In which Annie shares part of her story again, and reflects on nourishment and solitude... While eating McDonalds in her car.
Into the Void
Tyger, Tyger
Hello, this is Annie Kai. Welcome to another episode of Into the Void. Mmm, I'll help her turn not to be eating. I'm eating McDonald's and my car recording in the episode. I'm watching people drive by on this main road up in the Berkshires. I don't know what it was. I mean, I'm part of my driving and doing this. So I don't know where to begin because it's been a really long time since I did a real episode. I think that this show got a little gummed up because I started a YouTube video version of it. But despite being a comedian and performer, I really actually don't love appearing on camera and so I actually prefer the modality of just taping my voice and doing episodes this way. So that's what I'm going to do. I just finished doing like a poetry reading thing in Great Barrington. It was really fun and cool. I'm really happy I did it. That's a really nice people. Awesome. I'm just going to park fucking right next to me. That's not exactly true. I met people that were really nice but I didn't like talk to them and like, because I was too anxious and I was just like it was like a little bit too much for me. It got a little overwhelming at a certain point because I'm actually just kind of extremely shy. I guess I'd be some so... Oh, I'm just I'm struggling. Struggling a little bit but I think maybe I'm gonna be able to chill out now because I smoke some weed and I think if I focus on my breathing and the fact that there's a puppy dog sitting on top of me, maybe I'll be able to just calm down and get out of survival mode. I've been in this panicked survival mode for so long and I haven't been able to relax and I don't know. It's just been a really long time and I think it's very hard to get out of survival mode when you're so isolated which I kind of am and that's because of my family and it's a lot to take in from me. Just the events of the past several years I'm very like it's I'm just trying to chill out kind of thing like I'm not gonna get upset about the election or politics. I'm just I just can't I don't have the you know the capacity at the moment. I just need to rest and let my body rest a little bit. I have to be kind to myself and the puppy. I think that's where I'm at today. I have done some good edits on the book potentially. I'm excited to look at it when I've got the time and have some ideas for doing a little bit more around the house here which is could really use it and that's about it. I think I'm gonna just make this another super short episode so that I at least get it on air so to speak instead of streaming I guess would be the appropriate thing to say. So I'm gonna leave it there thanks to anybody who tuned in for this little pick me up and I'm just pick me up as in I guess it's good for me it makes me feel better to make me feel more grounded when I do these when I take these episodes so I should remember that and I'm looking at the window at the beautiful beautiful green forest and ferns and plant life outside my window and it's so beautiful and I feel so lucky and fortunate to have this beautiful home and I'm so grateful and so whatever force in the universe provided it and I know that like there's a lot of paradoxical things about my story and if I could trade all the money for like a normal life I would I just want people to hear that because I don't think people appreciate it like when their life is like relatively normal they weren't you know they weren't abused growing up by their dad sexually or like shared with other men and lost for two decades in the sake system and like misdiagnosed, mismedicated, unnecessary surgeries and like you know a life of you know I don't even know how many times have been assaulted or raped but this last time was you know abandoned by my larger family like it's oh there was a I've been through a lot and I'm coming out on the other side of it but you know I'm not the same person I'm not the same person I was and of course I'm not and I've missed most of my life in a sense at 45 and I don't have a career I don't have a family of children of my own so like when you look at somebody and you think oh that person's attractive and they've got money like what's her problem or what's his problem like maybe there is a real problem I think it's really hard for some folks to like back their head around it that it's not like not necessarily what it looks like from the outside and everybody's got stuff you know and money solves money problems if you know what I mean you know and it's it's not that it's not worth not it's it's nice it's I'm appreciative I feel so fortunate but on its own it's not enough to create a happy fulfilling life it's just not it takes a whole other kind of work to do that and I'm doing my best but I feel like I'm struggling sometimes against an impossible task which is kind of what my new tattoo means and is of it's of the geometric problem squaring the circle which I think if you do a Google search you'll see is an impossible mathematical problem that was solved in the late 1800s I believe and the metaphorical meaning of the symbol is sort of to tempt the impossible and that's what my life feels like sometimes but I don't want to think of it as a fool's errand I want to think of it as as a heroic task that's how I want to think of it anyway thank you for listening anybody who tuned in I'm sending you some love and I think I'll take us out with the because whenever I look out my window at the forest and the greenery I think of the tiger poem by William Blake I believe let's see and okay the tiger so I thought I'd read it this is this is William Blake's the tiger T-Y-G-E-R tiger tiger burning bright in the forests of the night what immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry in what distant deeps or skies burnt the fire of thine eyes on what wins dare he aspire what the hand dare sees the fire and what shoulder and what art could twist the sinews of thy heart and when thy heart began to beat what dread hand and what dread feet what the hammer what the chain in what furnace was thy brain what the anvil what the grasp dare its deadly terrors clasp when the stars threw down their spears and watered heaven with their tears did he smile his work to see did he who made the lamb make thee tiger tiger burning bright in the forests of the night what immortal hand or eye dare frame thy fearful symmetry so good night and sending love out there this has been Annie Kay with another episode of Into the Void