MK040 Sermons
Divorce - Part 2 (Audio)
Two weeks ago, after finishing the teaching on the subject of divorce, after the first service, I had a very unusual experience, sometimes never happened to me in 20 plus years of speaking. I walked away after that service and walked down the hallway and I had this overwhelming sense that I wasn't finished with this topic and that was a little, seemed a little unusual to me, but I went ahead and spoke the second service and then had conversations with individuals after the second service and in those conversations they confirmed what the spirit had been prompting me that I was not done with this subject. And if you were not here with us last week or two weeks ago, I'd encourage you to go to our website, ccchappell.org and listen to the entire message, along with an interview that I did with Matt and Esther West and as they did a great job just sharing their heart and their story of really being at the edge of their relationship, wondering if it would survive and watching God do something very remarkable in their relationship. And what I recognize is the end of that message is I recognize there's a lot of questions that are still to be spoken into about this issue and many different opinions around this subject and in my notes I had those questions there to be presented but I knew because of time that I wasn't able to do that. And so what I want to do today is I want to speak to the current challenges which marriage is faced which the Bible does not specifically address and offer some practical wisdom on these issues. The Bible is clear on some things but there's a whole host of issues that we face in our current culture that the Bible doesn't speak to directly and so we have to use biblical principles to guide us in knowing how to navigate through them. It was very sobering after the first service when I wept with someone whose marriage was struggling. I was given a big hug by someone who was happily remarried and I was thanked by someone who said I was a person with a heart and heart and I'm living with the result of this in my life even though I've repented and God is at work working in my life. Two weeks ago I used this statement what God has made one should not be undone and we looked at the passage in Matthew chapter 5 the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus is speaking and he talks about the subject of divorce but he only speaks to it very very briefly and we then went to Matthew 19 where Jesus spoken it in greater depth and he's confronted by the Pharisees and they were basically looking for how much room could we stretch the limits to meaning what are the allowable reasons for a person to get divorced. Give us the whole list because that's what we'll follow is the list and Jesus didn't even answer their questions. He took him all the way back to Genesis chapter 2 verse 24 and in Genesis 2 24 it says this that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh and in that passage there's three things that happen the first is that a man and a woman leave their parents and then not only do they leave their parents but they cleave to their spouse that's the second thing it talks about uniting as one as a couple as a new entity and then the third is becoming one flesh it speaks of a uniting and body soul and spirit and I used the peanut butter and jelly sandwich to illustrate that that when you put that peanut butter and jelly sandwich together and then you pull them apart you've got jelly mixed with the peanut butter and peanut butter mixed with the jelly and you really can't separate those two things from each other and it really pictures what God's intent was for marriage and that's what God has made one should not be undone. So the question begs to be asked what does God think about divorce? Well Malachi chapter 2 is very clear because in that passage God says I hate divorce. You say what is it about divorce that brings such a visceral response from God? Hate is a very very strong word and the reason I think for that is because all throughout the Bible God uses the picture of marriage to show this amazing kind of relationship between God and his people. You see in the Old Testament God chose the people of Israel. He chose Abraham and all Abraham's descendants to be his people the Jewish people. He could have picked anyone but he selected them really parallels the dynamic in terms of marriage context in which one is selected by another and then all throughout the Old Testament God had this relationship with the people of Israel and he was their God and they were his people and God longed to provide for them and meet their needs and do what was best for them and then the prophets later in the Old Testament the prophets were people who spoke for God and the prophets said to the people of Israel why have you turned your back on God and why have you played the role of a harlot or a prostitute literally they ran away from their lover God and they engaged in intimate relationships with all kinds of other gods doing all kinds of horrific acts. This was such a vivid picture that God even took a whole book in the Old Testament the book of Hosea and one of his prophets was actually lived this experience where his wife ran away from him and was a prostitute involved with other men and God said I want you to go bring her back and he did as a picture for the people of Israel of how much he longed to have that intimate devoted relationship with his people and then in the New Testament in Paul's writings a little bit later he describes the church the body of people who follow Jesus as the bride of Christ and Christ is pictured as the bridegroom as one who's willing to come and give himself up give his life up for his bride as pictured on the cross. And so you see all throughout the Bible God has this picture of marriage that he began in Genesis chapter two and then he uses as an illustration of not only his relationship with his people the Jews and then the relationship that Jesus has with his body the church. We talked last week about why divorce happens. Does it happen because people can't get along because someone's cheating because someone got abandoned addictions they're drunkard they're an addict no that's not why divorce happens divorce happens because of the hardness of people's hearts initially that hardness is towards their spouse they drift away they become preoccupied with other things and ultimately that hardness is towards God. So the question to be asked is because does God do allow divorce for any reason. Well last week we looked at one of the reasons and we're going to look at a second one this week but the one we looked at last week is from the book of Matthew Matthew chapter five verses 31 and 32 is where Jesus talks about it in the Sermon on the Mount and listen to what Jesus says in Matthew chapter five verse 31 and 32 he says this has been said anyone who divorces his wife must give a certificate of divorce and we talked about that last week. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for sexual immorality makes her the victim of adultery and who marries a divorced woman commits adultery and for a long time I really didn't understand what is Jesus talking about here and why if someone divorced their spouse and then got remarried why were they committing adultery and I think the reason is connected all the way back to Genesis 2 when it talks about becoming one flesh and that uniting of the body, soul and spirit and that marital unfaithfulness essentially adultery or sex with someone other than your spouse whether that's a same sex relationship or a another man or another woman it violates the one flesh commitment that God talks about in marriage. In 1 Corinthians chapter 6 Paul talks about this and he talks about when you're joined with another person sexually there's a bond that's created with that person. Our culture doesn't believe that our culture just says well that was just a one night stand or that was just a fling or it was a mistake it really didn't mean anything and God says no there's something intimate there's something spiritual that happens when a man and woman come together in sexual intimacy and when that bond is broken by another person being introduced in that type of an intimate relationship then something is severed and God says when that happens divorce is permitted. So you're saying if my husband or my spouse you know drifts away from me and gets involved with someone else and I have to divorce them no that's not what Jesus is suggesting remember divorce is permitted because of hardness of the heart because of repeated ongoing offenses in which there's not a willingness to turn away from their sinfulness and turn back towards the other person. So if that person acknowledges their sinfulness, repents, demonstrates a change of life over an extended period of time can that marriage be restored absolutely and that's what God longs to see happen. There's a second passage that talks about this subject and that passage is in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 and if you want to turn there in your Bibles we're going to look at that 1 Corinthians chapter 7 and let's begin with verse 10 Paul's speaking and he's given instructions to people who are married and people who are single and he says to the married I give this command not I but the Lord a wife must not separate from her husband but if she does she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled and a husband is not to divorce his wife. So Paul's saying here he's saying he's saying it's not God's desire that you separate but if you do there's two options one is to stay unmarried two be reconciled back to your spouse. He goes on to the next verse to talk about this second exception if you will. He says to the rest I say I not the Lord if a man has a wife who's not a believer and she's willing to live with him don't divorce him and if a woman has a husband who's not a believer who's willing to live with her she must not divorce him. The unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife and the unbelieving wife sanctified through her believing husband. You say what is Paul talking about well he's writing to the people of Corinth and the city of Corinth was a city that was more sexually promiscuous than anything we can really wrap our minds around it was like the red light district of Amsterdam or the worst place you can imagine where sex and sexual immorality just ran rampant sex was so rampant in that culture that they actually had prostitutes in the temples places of worship and they believed and taught that if you had sex with that prostitute it was a good thing in that place of worship that's how distorted and skewed and debased their view of sexuality was and so in the midst of this culture there's men and there's women that are placing their faith in Jesus and they're they're choosing to follow Jesus and they're realizing that's not the way that's not the lifestyle that God wants from me they're stepping away from that that lifestyle and they're like now what do I do about my marriage do I stay marriage and Paul says if your spouse wants to stay with you absolutely absolutely and he explains why in verse 14 he says because the unbelieving husband has been sanctified or set apart by the believing wife and vice versa say how does that work well what happens is if a spouse if one partner in a relationship becomes a Christ follower the other partner has a has a example of Jesus in front of them all the time morning, noon and night whenever they're together it's very very different than someone who doesn't believe in God and doesn't have a personal relationship with God they might have a co-worker that they cross paths with periodically that's a person of faith or they might have a family member that they kind of tolerated family gatherings or or this is very very different very very different and he said when you have a spouse that plays their faith in Christ their presence sets you apart as being someone who is uniquely exposed to the truth of the gospel in ways that others do not he goes on in verse 15 to say this but if the unbelieving spouse leaves let it be sell and then he says this the brother or sister is not called is not bound in such circumstances God has called us to live peace here I believe because where Paul gives is the other exception because the reality is that when you choose Jesus you don't know how your spouse is going to respond you don't know if they're going to say that's not the person I signed up to marry and so I'm done with you you don't know if they're going to say I'm not into this God stuff and this religious stuff and you want to go to church and now you want to go to a small group and now you want to give some of our money to the church I already give a little bit to the charities we support I don't want to give any more to the church and then you want to take time to go and serve at the church and I'm not into all of that I'm out of here and Paul seems to indicate that that is a risk that may happen but he says if that happens you need to let them go and he says in verse 17 these persons should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them just as God has called you and I believe they'll let them go violates the cleave part of the marriage the cleave part of that covenant from Genesis chapter 2 the cleaving is when they come apart from their own families and they come together and become one a new family unit a couple and when one partner says I don't want to be a part of that they violate and they sever that covenant relationship that's tied to the cleaving part and so the second reason that I believe God gives is for the abandonment by an unbelieving spouse and these two situations I believe God permits divorce and ultimately remarriage I don't ever believe it's God's first choice but because of the hardness of your spouse's heart God may permit it before I'm moving to talking about some additional questions that are not specifically addressed in the Bible I want to speak to those who are sitting here this morning because there are people who are sitting where you are sitting five and ten years ago serving faithfully participating in a small group and today they're divorced where the way it happens is there's cracks in the foundation things that they excuse away things as they say that's just the way that they are and things that friends and small group leaders and people come up to you and talk to you about and confront your spouse about and they just blow them off but my challenge to you is not to ignore them to talk to a friend one of our pastors who spend time with a counselor get some help right away and be prepared for maybe the hardest couple years in your marriage but if you're willing to stick with it and you're willing to rely upon God and you want to put your confidence in him and you're willing to have your heart turned so that your greatest desire is that you would pursue him regardless of where your spouse whether or not your spouse comes back to you God will do some remarkable things in your life so that there's only two reasons that God allows divorce what about things like abuse verbal and physical abuse abusive and addictive behaviors alcohol drugs pornography gambling well a couple of thoughts on that if it's physical risk and your life is your safety is being threatened you need to get out immediately but as far as what steps you should take after that again the Bible does not speak to this directly but I think the Bible gives us principles and those principles come from Matthew 18 Matthew 18 is a passage that says what should I do if I confront someone about something that's obvious in their life that I've seen happen repeatedly and they're not willing to do anything about it the Bible says that we should confront them initially specifically about what the sin is if they reject it we should go to them with two or three trusted individuals preferably someone that's an elder or pastor confront them again and if they're a member of the church and they're unwilling to address them to bring the members to confront them as well often their behaviors foolish and someone says you have to blind side a fool you can't talk to a fool in their file you can't try to discuss it with them you have to confront them and you may have to leave for a time and pray that God will get their attention and these are the kinds of steps that should be taken with the supportive pastors and elders in your life say John is that going to bring them back I don't know if that will bring them back I can't offer you that guarantee and that's why there's a huge risk of doing it but what I can tell you is that God will take them one of two directions because when there's a when there when a husband and wife are adjust to one another and they learn to live in relationship things don't really change a lot but when one spouse begins to change and move off to the left the other spouse is going to follow them off to the left or the other spouse is going to actually go to the right you see relationships only stay static they only stay the same if both people stay the same but if one person's moving if one person's going if one person's changing the other person's either going to follow them and God's going to move in their heart and they're going to be drawn to the changes in the transformation that they see in that person's life or they're going to reject it and their hearts are going to come hardened and they're going to move further and further away I often say to people in this situation pray that God humbles them and brings them to their knees or takes them far far away that hopefully someday in some way he could bring them back God does not appear to give any allowance to pursue divorce in these situations I believe what God is calling you to do is to wait and accept God's plan in spite of how difficult this might be see waiting is one of the hardest things for our culture to do our culture says you're not happy you don't have what you want they're not giving you what you want just unload them and go get another one and God never says that all throughout the Psalms he says wait on the Lord wait not only other person because if you're waiting for the other person to change you could be waiting a long long time but if you're waiting for God to do something that's a very different approach if your spouse is trapped in one of these sins I would encourage you to take the steps that I mentioned above and pray for repentance and reconciliation ask God to deepen your love for your spouse and turn them back to God establish supportive relationships that will walk with you and call you to love God daily and seek counseling to look at your part that's contributed to this current situation and ask God how you should love your spouse well in this difficult season you're in you say what if I ask my spouse to leave as I confront these issues in his life and I don't want to divorce but they leave and then after two years they just divorce me then what do I do I don't believe a divorce paper a piece of paper ends a relationship because I believe you have until that person would choose to remarry to pray that God will turn and bring their heart back even after the divorce is finalized you can still pray for God to work in their heart and to restore their marriage but if they do choose to remarry I believe then that God releases you from that marriage covenant because they've effectively ended that they no longer have no longer are cleaving to you no longer are engaged in a one in a one-flesh relationship they now have chosen to end that and effectively your marriage has ended not when the divorce papers are signed but when that spouse engages and involved in remarrying again so what if I'm happily remarried and the divorce happened to me in earlier time in my life it's got angry with me because it says God hates divorce no God always extends grace when we deal with sin in our lives and we seek forgiveness so does God expect me to leave my current spouse with whom I'm very happy and go back into a hard and painful situation I don't believe God expects that at all Deuteronomy 24 validates that but I do want to challenge those of you that are remarried to do something very difficult because for many of you when you think back to that previous marriage it's filled with a lot of heartache maybe a certain amount of shame things that you're responsible for sadness pain and it's adoring your life that you want to keep bolted shut and you don't want to enter but I want to suggest to you that you are not able to experience all that God wants for you in your current marriage until you have walked back and opened that door and entered the mess of your past and allow God to transform and redeem that you say John why do I have to do that I think you need to walk back into that door and you need to say was there something that was on me that contributed to the end of our marriage you need to own that you may need to seek forgiveness from God about the things that he reveals to you and then you may need to seek forgiveness as God exposes your sin from an ex-spouse potentially children because in-laws because what God longs for you is for you to move forward in the relationship you are in in freedom and hope and joy and peace not in bondage to those memories of your past and those things that you're past that if anybody mentions if anybody suggests if anybody says what about so-and-so you're like I don't want to go there and instead be able to say that was a very difficult season in my life but God has done some remarkable things as a result and since that time in my life I don't know about you but I would think that would be a kind of response you would want to be able to offer and you want to be able to look back on that season in your life is not a mistake not an oops not an eye should have never done that but wow that God allowed that to happen and look what he has done in my life as a result of that experience another question that often comes up as if I get a divorce for reason the bible appears to allow what suggestions would you make regarding entering another relationship a few years ago I heard this recommendation and the more I thought about it and sat with it and recommended to others the more it's resonated deeply for me and my first recommendation for you as I just said would be to work through personal issues that led to the dissolution of your previous marriage but second of all I would challenge you to be willing to learn to live without a spouse and have God meet your needs so why is that important too often people enter marriage because of something that they hope that other person will do for them they discover very early on a person does not and it doesn't matter whether you're married or single what God wants more than anything is for you to recognize that the only way you will live a life of peace and joy and contentment and hope in this world is for Jesus to be all that you need as a spouse a wonderful thing an amazing gift and do they bring joy and life to your world in ways that no one else could absolutely and also bring disappointment and heartache and struggle no question so my challenge to you would be for you if your relationship ends from the time those divorce papers are signed that for two years you do not enter another relationship and you simply do personal work in your life build relationships with other men and other women that are not relationships of an intimate nature just friendships and we're going to let God meet the needs in your heart and your life develop your own uniqueness as a man or woman without a spouse to be able to potentially offer this to a future spouse so John would you marry would you remarry divorce individuals and I would on two situations number one if they're divorced reason God's permits and they've waited for that two-year time window number two if the doors has occurred the spouse the former spouse ex-spouse has remarried which I believe frees you from the covenant of marriage and again you've waited for that two-year window so what does divorce mean here at CCC is it like the scarlet D that it you know everybody knows and now I'm not I don't fit in anywhere and I can't do anything and in most cases the answer that would be no you can be a member many areas you can serve there's some areas of ministry in any area of leadership where we want to have a conversation with you and talk with you about where you're at in your journey not because of a desire to exclude you but a desire to challenge you and to and to and to make sure that you've not ignored things from the past but you walk through them and that you're free to love well and to serve well and to give well in your current relationships lastly I want to speak to the value of singleness because you know as much as God talks about marriage all throughout the Bible you know what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7 he said if I had my choice my choice would be that no one would marry say why would Paul say that Paul said because when you're married you now have the distraction of all these other responsibilities in your life and you cannot solely focus on what God wants you to do with your life not bad responsibilities just responsibilities and so Paul reminds us that there are seasons in our lives where we don't have those additional responsibilities instead of dreading them and wishing I was in a different place and trying to find someone find them me and find a woman what God says I believe is he says I want you to be content where you are do the personal work necessary in your life and allow Jesus to meet the needs in your life and be open to that relationship what God might bring that your way the church is often celebrated marriage and I think rightly so but I think it has dangerously celebrated to the extent that it has pushed young adults young men young women sometimes divorced men and women into relationships feeling like they are not successful or complete or fit in unless they are at that place in life and nowhere does God indicate that at all I had this thought it may be better to wait and wonder what God's plan is for you than to rush and regret you say that again it may be better to wait and wonder what God's plan is than for you to rush and regret so when divorce occurs the reason is the hardness of heart God's desire is that repentance and reconciliation would take place and that's always his longing the pain of divorce is something that grieves the heart of God and in spite of this loss in some situations God does extend grace and offer a second chance to pursue a committed marriage relationship no matter what your experience has been God wants you to know that he offers that to you today and so I want to end with a challenge to each group if you're single the choice to get married will be one of the biggest decisions of your life and my challenge for you whether whether you're single because you've never been married or you're single because you've been divorced is to deal with the issues in your life right now what are the things that are struggles that just kind of nag at you that you wonder why that is you wish that would be different and you can't seem to bring about that change I guarantee you that when you are married the things that look only an inch tall now will be 10 feet high and seem insurmountable when your spouse highlights them to you in your life and I would challenge you to only date someone who you would consider to marry if you've had to go through the painful experience of divorce again my challenges do work necessary to deal with the issues in your own life things that you may have contributed to that happening don't ignore that seek to bring closure and and healing to those seasons of your life and then live ask God to help you to live in a place of contentment so that you can serve him and live for him in the season that he has you in to those who are married Paul says marriage is a mystery and I think we would all agree with that marriage like nothing else forces me to face the truth about myself and challenge me more than anything in my life that's an incredible gift and at times an overwhelming struggle and if you're struggling this morning in your marriage my challenge to you is don't stay in this struggle alone God's desire is for you to allow him to do work in you through this struggle and as you listen to this song it reminds you what God wants to do in your life God I pray for everyone who's here this morning and as we've tackled this difficult subject again I realize this has connection to every person sitting here because everyone in the room is either single or married and I doubt there's a person in this room that doesn't desire to have meaningful fulfilling relationships and what I pray for each one of us this morning that we would find the fulfillment of the deepest needs of our heart first in you and then when you bless us by bringing others into our lives in the context of a marriage relationship word that we would allow that somehow as we try to live it out to give others a glimpse of how much you love us by the way we love our spouse or this can be incredibly challenging and amazingly rewarding experience different people are at different places in their journey this morning help them to be honest and realistic about where they're at if they need help and support that they would pursue that and not ignore the issues there and God I pray that this church would be a place where people can come and they can discover the healing that comes through a relationship with Jesus that can restore things that were one time broken and sometimes make them brand new help us to do that God because we can't do this on our own