MCC Podcasts
Love - Stoking the Fire
We are really glad that you're here. We are in this series on love and it is really fun for us to do it And we've been in this in a little mini series this February on on marriage and the idea two weeks ago I gave a sermon on sort of the theological foundations of marriage It was called for reasons why God may have written marriage into your story And if you didn't get to see that I'd recommend that you go get that because it was foundational to all this and then man last week if you were here Ben and Katie uncorked right about here. Did you see that were you here for that sermon? Where are they by the way Mike no Mike she was she was out of control and So my wife's like what are we gonna do this week? And I'm like you're gonna sit there and be quiet is what you're gonna do Just kidding This is marriage we're talking about this this this month and you know what? We said if you're single this this month is still about reflecting on the beauty of what God has created in marriage We got married friends. We got people we can minister that are married some of us hope to be married if we're not married Some of us and we all can learn about a relationship with God Because marriage that's what's so beautiful about marriage is God said Here's one of the ways that you're gonna understand the beauty of what marriage is all about If you I mean what beauty of what what my relationship with you is about is if you get to see marriage and vice versa And so there's this we hope that there's something that that everybody gets out of this Marriage series and we got one more week next week art's gonna bring it and you invite and Brenda up front or no All right. Yeah, didn't even get the sentence out of my mouth. He's all no Yeah, then we can just say whatever we want and and it doesn't have to be true. So This week it's a fun week because it's Valentine's week Did you have a good Valentine's day? Did that work out for you pretty well? Hey, if you're married and you're a wife Was Valentine's Day raise your hand if it was above a six on a one to ten scale, okay? Ouch Some of you are this way if you're a guy and you're married was Valentine's Day above a six on a one to ten Pajanda if you're a guy and that was yeah, totally you're like, yeah, I nailed it. Yeah Costco roses and you're in and what do you need? Right Jonathan you were in Chicago, right? Did I hear that so your wife posts on Facebook? Did you see that? People who have romances on Facebook. It's always this was Jonathan's And posted about Jonathan's message to her on Valentine's day. They were separated over a distance because he was traveling for work And and and so let me see if I got this right and said Jonathan Said that I am a crop being married to me is a cross between a Romantic comedy and an action adventure film. Did I get that right? How is that a compliment? Did you like that and that he said that you thought it was a good thing Yeah, all right well done way to put that together I Think and I like this message on Valentine's Day because this morning we're gonna talk about stoking the fire We're gonna talk about stoking the fire sparks and flames and marriage because here's the deal when we talk about marriage And we joke about marriage and if you go and you you I mean if you google clean jokes about marriage and You see they're always about it's always rather demeaning the jokes about marriage are always about how hard it is and how lame it is and how boring it is and It's sort of we have this sort of common vernacular about about putting down marriage You know the jokes about the the older couples out well I told you I loved you when I married you if I changed my mind I'll let you know, you know that kind of stuff and And it's just one joke after another is about how kind of lame all of our marriages are And I think you know what that doesn't honor God. I want to talk about stoking the fire I want I think God is about the spark and I think God created that spark And if you don't know that you just got to look in the scriptures a little bit I want to this morning's scriptures from the song of songs song of Solomon or song of songs Have you read that lately somebody snuck into your Bible and put some spicy stuff Some of you may think no, that's about us and Jesus well, Jesus isn't in here But there's all kinds of body parts that are I mean this is I'm telling you this is about human love and It's a celebration of that because God said we would be one flesh and so there's some stuff in here You look at the be it very beginning of song of Solomon verse one chapter one verse one Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine Pleasion is the fragrance of your perfumes or of your cologne your name is like perfume poured out No wonder the young women love you take me away with you. Let us hurry Let the king bring me into his chambers. Come on now. Who snuck that into your Bible? PG-13 baby right here in God's word You know if you read this stuff in the in the if you read song of Solomon in like a modern paraphrase or translation I mean, it's like I mean, it's like hey, no wonder people think you're so hot quick come get me That's the that's the language that's in here and if your children are in here, it's not gonna get any worse than this So don't worry about it We're not talking about sex this morning, but this this this is this love this passion There's a fire with regard to that. That's the beginning of song of songs if you look at the end of song of songs Chapter 8 verse 14 come away She says my beloved and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the spice laden mountains She's like you're my stud. That's what she's saying in this thing And then in the middle in the middle He says in chapter 4 I've been I've been in this book all week. Can you tell that? And first gathering I said Linda goes that's does that explain some stuff to you? How how beautiful you are my darling? He says how beautiful your eyes behind your veil are dubs your hair Oh, man. This does it is like a flock of goats I mean I don't get the cultural references and some of the Hebrew I don't get all that stuff But in here is this you know how delightful is your love my bride? How much more pleasing is your love? then wine Let my beloved come into his garden and taste his choice fruits and Then in chapter 8 these words with regard to the spark and to flame Place me like a seal over your heart like a locket and Like a seal on your arm, or maybe that was like a signet ring For love is as strong as death. It's jealousy unyielding as the grave It burns like a blazing fire like a mighty flame Many waters cannot quench love rivers cannot sweep it away if one were to give all the wealth of one's house for love It would be utterly scorned One translator said you can't buy love you can't sell love It's worth everything. This is the picture that God's word gives us you guys of marital love man Whoa, it is it is not boring. It's not lame. It's not ho hum. It's not a joke It's passionate and it's on fire This reflects the intimacy that we said that marriage is a reflection of this relational God who has this relational component who gave man and a Woman the ability to have that dynamic he created them in his image and said you're deeply intimate And relational and this marital love is sort of the epitome of that thing and that friends is on fire that friends is Deep and rich and a spark so I want to talk this morning about how to keep that fire burning listen It does not honor God when we let our marriages Especially those of us who know Jesus as our Savior when we let our marriages become boring and old hat and Dying and lame it doesn't honor God because he created it to be a picture of intimacy and depth and passion and heart so how do we keep the spark anybody want it you were ready to go on that Right is today you want to do that? Who's go home? We want to go home? There's top 10 in my book we're gonna zoom through them because God's got one of them for you I think this is just like one that like you're gonna go like do that's for me and your spouse thinks all of them are for you So you'll get the elbow every point and And for you just maybe there's a spirits elbow in here. Here we go. Let's zoom through them ready number one How to keep the fire burning date and I don't mean just date I mean go talk and I don't mean just talk. I mean conversation Some people go man my my wife says my husband talks. I know that for sure, but we're talking about talking We're talking about conversation being known and knowing someone stirs the fire And when you're known by your spouse and when you know your spouse when you check in it It keeps that fire burning Studies show that marital satisfaction is directly proportional to the amount of time the couple spends alone Without the TV without the kids without the other people time alone and sexual satisfaction is directly proportional to the amount of time that Couple has spent alone. Why because there's interaction and there's communication and hearts are shared and we're heard That's why dating keeps the fires burning. You ready for a couple of suggestions one get alone Find out when that time is we can't the kids and the work and the money and the babysitting it You will not the spark will die if you do not spend time alone Having conversation with one another as adults. We can all testify to that those of us that have been married So get alone get a plan to do that and maybe you need a plan not just to get alone our plan is Wednesday nights We get along Wednesday nights our date night. It's a date night. I know people go. That's cute And you sort of it's not about being cute. It's about a plan and on and on your date night friends or on your date Or on your ten minutes when you I heard about a couple who when he was able to come home from work early enough That they put the kids in front of the video and they went in the other room and they just sat and debriefed They got ten minutes every day. That's a lot more than some of us get and it was a plan some of you need a plan You go man. I'm that couple we're that couple that after about 15 minutes We run out of things to say you know what I found a website Because I googled conversation starters for Christian marriage seriously how lame am I that's my Google search engine and it came up If you email me right now grow at MCC.co. I will get you that website But it is this awesome set of lists and this person got all these other resources all over the scriptures about how to talk about Awesome things and I thought this is gonna be as lame as googling Christian marriage date starters or whatever Conversation starters and when I looked at the list I was all that's awesome It was all these deep and great questions that stopped couples and said how are you thinking and how are you feeling and what's going on for you right now and it and so get a plan and bring an outline hello bring an outline guys and And just say we're gonna go have a date and we're gonna talk about these three questions this week and the next through the next week Etc date and have conversation number two verbally affirm your spouse. Here you go use your words Verbally affirm your spouse we all go why I think that stuff and I never get around to it And I have these fleeting thoughts about them and I never say stuff. There's power in words Jesus was the living word. This is the word of God that's been given to us Words have power and when we use our words There's power in them and so we need to make that a commitment to keep the fire burning to use our words and you know Song of songs has that all the way through the things they say to each other and I don't I don't get to deal with gazelles and towers And all that stuff, but that's a whole different culture But we can learn the power of using words to speak and to affirm our spouse and maybe you just need a checklist Maybe every day you need to say I'm gonna say something that will affirm those things Here's a couple of categories for you one affirm your love and commitment What was the last time and I say this to my wife dirt at the end of In the middle of all the romantic comedies. We've ever seen I say to her I will never do that to you I do and and I'm from divorce a family of divorce and Deeply wounded by that and I tell her all the time. I'm never leaving you. She's like, I know I'm like that's because I've told you that for 27 years a Firm your love and your commitment. That's maybe one category use those words. Do you think wow that doesn't need to be said? Yes, it does send an email from your desk. Just wanted you to know. I love you I'm gonna be with you forever Use your words and maybe another area attractiveness express how attractive they are to you. You think well, they know that well Use your words Well, I find this you know what today. I found you so attractive when super great We don't do that kind of stuff. We're not that intentional about it Maybe another one is appreciation. So maybe you do all three of those you do affirm your love you do attractiveness You do appreciation you start over a firm your love again What have you said to your spouse lately? It just says you know what this this rocks my planet when you do this I? Appreciate that so much those are the kinds of things that we do that just will keep the fire burning Number three and it's related be positive Be positive It's so easy to be negative about the things that are wrong in our lives If you ever found that when you finally do get a date You talk about how awful your life is for 20 minutes And then the other person talks about how awful your children are and then you talk about all you know It's all this negative stuff. Well, that's easy and there's all kinds of negative stuff But we want to be around people who are positive we want to be around people who talk about dreams and hopes and faith And what is good and what's good about each other? We got to keep that into our mix and the fire will keep burning and this includes the whole critical spirit thing I don't know what it is about human beings that we prone to be more critical than positive we're critical It's just easy to see the things that are difficult for us and that we're critical about and here's just the question When has that ever helped your relationship? That you're so insightful To talk about how awful a job they're doing at this or that or the other when's that ever helped? We want to be positive. There's lots of reasons to be positive friends. Not the least of which Jesus is Our Savior and he's led us into this thing and his adventure is always good So we just got to be careful about being positive by the way Don't you want to raise kids in a positive house? We're there full of joy and laughter and love and blessing and happiness as opposed to we're so good at figuring out What's wrong with everybody and everything? Maybe that's what we ought to give up for Lent is criticism see where that goes number four romance Do I need to tell you what this is about? Probably because it's not just about sex. This isn't about sex Romance is any action that tells the person you are so attractive to me. I can't wait to be with you I'm pursuing your heart and I'm giving you my heart and I'm giving you my thoughts I'm giving you my time and I'm giving you my attention and I'm giving you my money because Love compels me. That's what romance is whenever there's a sense in which love has compelled this action Even if it may be even a little bit unreasonable That's what romance feels like you can even ask your spouse. When do you feel like that? when do you feel like that when I When you think I'm just compelled to give you time and attention and gifts What does that look like for you? So you know how to romance your spouse? It's in the small things. It's in the flowers. I didn't tell you about my Valentine's Day I bought flowers at like 10 45 in the morning But I wasn't gonna do Valentine's Day Sunday a week ago. I took my wife to a great meal We escaped all the crowds. We had our little get together and I literally said in her presence later in the week There you go check that box. I'm done with Valentine's day. It didn't go over. Well, so Because well, how does that sound like I can't wait to be with you? I'm thinking about you. I'm pursuing your heart Here's my heart. It compels me. I'm like Checking the box four days early. I'm mr. Efficient. That's what it felt We had a great time and then I felt guilty. So I took her to lunch on Tuesday and Then we had date night on Wednesday I paid for it all week friends because it just it and then and then Thursday I bought flowers at 10 45 in the morning and then they died in my car all day long So at 5 o'clock 5 45 whatever was on Thursday, and I'm driving home And I'm looking at the flowers and I'm picking them up in their car They're literally like roll in my front seat, and I'm like come on you guys And so I didn't know what to do So I was gonna go home and just throw them in the garbage Outside because how do you walk in with that? How romantic is that? Here's flowers? Representative of my love they're all dead So I didn't know what to do how by the way how many of you guys or how many of you people would have just done the Pitch them in the garbage thing. How many of you would have done that? How many of you would have just Hope that the thought counted and brought the dead flowers into the house you understand it's a no win here right at all It's this my love compels me and I did I just said I love you I thought about it I had one minute today in the middle of my day in the midst of all my work, and I'm working very very hard honey and Here's your dead flowers And we we chopped them and put them in water put them in their fridge, and they perked up It was awesome my wife bringing life out of death like Jesus It's small stuff. It's big stuff. It's the presence. It's the gifts It's like what are you doing? I thought we weren't giving gifts. Yeah, but my love compelled me. I saw this I wanted to give it to you how we gonna pay for it. I don't know credit card 21% interest That's romance An action that says you're so attractive I'm pursuing you here's my heart and love compels me to do it Is that built into our life? Here's related number five physical get physical get physical sex is a gift from God and it's good And some Christians need to remember that because they have been raised or taught that Sex is is is dirty or wrong and they also spent a lot of their time trying to honor the Lord by being sexually pure and a lot of us have known the pain of Sexual sin in our lives and so we got a lot of hang-ups with sex a lot of us Christians do But we got to remember that getting physical is part of what God Created and gave us and it is the ultimate expression of this ultimate relationship of intimacy It's this beautiful picture and so we want to get physical if that friends if that sex is not good and it's not happening Then there's something wrong And I just want to tell you that and remind you that you go You know we live with it and we we're Christians and we you know We're not connecting on that level and and we you know what we the world makes such a big deal out of sex And we just you know, it's just not a big deal for us friends God created us to be physically connected and physically intimate So this might be the prompt that you need to say yeah I we can't live that way if you're not having sex you need to get some help as a Christian married couple Because it's part of a healthy expression of your life If you're not having sex It's because there's some other wounds and some other baggage and some other resentments and some other difficulties and some other habits and some other patterns that haven't been intervened with the Spirit of God and with some healing and care and And so I would just want to encourage you Sex is good and God made it, but it isn't it's more than sex too It's it's touching and holding hands and brushing by one another. Are you not a hugger? I know there's some people that aren't huggers You know this because when you hug them they go like this We get that I totally get that Learn to be We were made to touch and to be connected this way dr. Jim Burns and then and and uh has has popularized this idea of the 15-second kiss Have you heard of this? the 15-second kiss and He got it from this other psychologist who wrote a book called the 10-second kiss and her simple thing was like 92% of couples in trouble Developed greater marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction Based on implementing this one thing that every day they had a 10-second kiss and he's like 15 And this 15-second kiss is just that kind of closeness Does something deep and powerful in drawing and in keeping these fires burning? And I think it's because God created us for that kind of intimacy and he said you're gonna be one flesh When was the last time married couples you kissed for 15 seconds without stopping I mean, let's just 10 I mean, it's a long kiss First gathering arts like if I did that I'd be late for work. Yeah, well Well, if it leads to other things that'd be great so But there's this idea of just keeping the fires burning by getting physical because it's part of who we are and it's part of what God's created 6 pursue adventure. Listen to this Adventure is anything unknown or unseen and pursue that together as a married couple That will keep the fire burning because you see each other in fresh and unusual and unexpected ways It's different than what you are really normally do you bond because you're on the same team You become partners against some odds against some mountain against some challenge against some problem that you have in your life You you pursue adventure together. You become on the same team Almost anything works as adventure if it's new for you. It could it could be just the stuff you've got going in your life it could be figuring out how to live on a budget because you're giving to to Compassion International and our building fund and you're like, let's figure this out together How do we sacrifice and face this challenge together raising kids as an adventure? There's all kinds of adventures that go on no adventure is too small With Linda and I went on a bike ride yesterday 15 mile bike ride. Let's go on a bike ride He's like, okay, and then she whined the whole way All the way through is that not true is that not true? Yeah, you want and And so of course what happened was is that I realized that she was not in the place to To go on a 15 mile bike ride and she realized she wasn't in the place of going a 15 mile bike ride as much as she thought and And so we worked together to make it really fun I tried to find a way around the big hill that we had to go over to get back to our car And then we went out for coffees afterward. It was totally fun, and then she's all that was fun I'm like, why did you whine all the way through but there's an adventure that we pursued those are small adventures There's big adventures. We're still glowing. We're still glowing from our 25th anniversary two years ago in April where we had planned a trip to Italy We realized we couldn't afford it. So we bailed on it But two weeks before we it was our anniversary and we were gonna go to Denny's two weeks before our anniversary I just said I can't not do this and I had miles saved up on my credit card And we flew to Italy on a shoestring for six days. That's all we had because our love Compelled us and we said how are you gonna afford this? We don't know how we're gonna get our jet lag that fast We don't care. How are we gonna get away from all our stuff? It doesn't matter and we got on a plane and we went to Italy and we're still glowing from it When we take an adventure together we see one another as partners and we bond a new and fresh in different ways and the biggest adventure friends is not Italy and It's not bike rides. It's when we say we're gonna serve Jesus How do we give our lives for the glory of God together and get out there on a limb and we're partners together? So the world knows Christ more because we're together And in my sermon a couple weeks ago I said it's one of the reasons God wrote marriage into your story is for purpose For mission he said you together serve Jesus better than you were apart. So figure out how to do that That keeps our fire burning number seven fight for your spouse Fight for your spouse the battle This adventure we're in We're in a battle you guys one of the adventures that we're in a battle We're in a battle and it requires us to fight for one another to bring our strength to the table I mean we're fighting for daily battles for sure But we're also fighting for the bigger stuff for their growth and for their healing and for their ministry and for their heart and for our Marriage to stay intact. We're fighting that keeps the fire burning especially I don't know if this is just guy language man We fight the battle when I marry couples and this is where I think we fight the battle friends We fight the battle to give courage to our spouse and you give courage to their fears and you give courage to their dreams That's what we do for one another. That's what encouragement means. It's all through the scriptures. You encourage one another daily Because we're giving courage where courage is needed and I tell these young couples when I get me when I marry them You figure out what it is that's holding your spouse's heart back their fears And you speak courage into it as practically and as carefully as you can and you find out what their dreams are And I look at these young men and I go do you know her dreams? Do you know her dreams of life at its fullest as a married couple living in this world for Jesus? Do you know what her dreams are of who she can become and what God can do through your lives? Do you know her dreams? They go You make her dreams come true That's how we fight for one another we bring our sword to the battle And we give courage to our husband to our wife. That keeps the fire burning number eight. We receive gods I want you to receive God's view of your spouse receive God's view of your spouse super simple meaning Do you have God's perspective on who your spouse is do you know what God's perspective is of your spouse basically is two things your God is Delighted in who your spouse is Delighted beside himself giddy With who he has made them to be and what gifts they possess and what idiosyncrasies they have Delighted in the progress that they've made and where they've come from delighted in what they can become and what is tomorrow for them? Our God delights in your spouse He's not irritated at them. He hasn't lost his patience with them He loves who they are and who they can be and We need to ask the Spirit of God for that kind of view of our spouse I said there were two things that God God's view is one he delights in them too. He has grace for them He lets all of their sin go and does not hold it against them this is about forgiveness and Giving them freedom if we had God's delight and God's grace in just a Sliver of it This would keep our fires burning number nine Guard your heart Proverbs says you guard your heart for it is the well spring of life and if our hearts friends get distracted or broken or damaged or given away to other lovers of any kind our Heart dies and our spark goes out. We're gonna keep our spark alive. We're gonna keep our fires burning We guard our heart and preserve it for our spouse and our world is full of Opportunity for us to take that resentment and that undel with thing and give our heart away Whether it's to work or to hobbies or to the children or to pornography or to another lover that Temptations are out of control and so we have to guard our heart and put the smack down on it So it is devoted to one person And whatever it takes to do that we do it Whatever it takes to do that we do it and That then keeps the spark alive and allows us to keep the fire burning and the last thing Get in touch with your desperation What I mean by this get in touch with your desperation get in touch with your desperate need for Jesus I Mean it's it's obvious that when we talk like this about marriage and we talk about the ideal of marriage and we stop And we think about marriage and we compare ourselves to nine or ten criteria. We think this is hard and I'm far away from this and whenever I and I know that there are people who I Feel this way that you know It's like don't I don't want to hear about it I don't want to talk about it because it makes me sad and and Scares me that I'm far off the mark and I it makes me unhappy when I when I think about how how messed up We are or how we're missing it in this area. It's incredibly difficult and friends So the temptation is for us then to live in denial and to run away from this kind of consideration and hard topics But I'm telling you to keep the fire burning we get in touch with that desperation We face that stuff and here's why I think we face it because First we have to come to terms with the reality that our spouse will never make us happy and deeply fulfilled and give us Life at its fullest Our spouse will never do that and sometimes we have to face that desperation and go Jesus is my Savior Jesus brings life and I've been placing an inappropriate burden on my spouse to make me happy and fulfill me Wrong and when we get in touch of that desperation we go You're not the giver of life Jesus is you're my partner on this journey It's one reason why I think we get in touch with that desperation don't run from it It drives us back to the Lord as the giver of our life second I think the reason we get in touch with our desperation to keep our fire burning is that because even the best of times in Marriage require a capacity Well beyond mine Just to live in a home with somebody and try to love them and be selfless and give my heart to them and pursue these things Requires a capacity beyond what I have and it makes me say to God this job is too big God you come through and you rescue me you got to meet me here. I need a God sized Intervention and strength and discernment and direction So we have to get in touch with that desperation and we think we're just you know all that in a bag of chips for our spouse We're missing it But the biggest reason why I think we got to get in touch with our desperation Is because as Thoreau said the mass of men and women Live lives of quiet desperation We very quietly go on and look around the room at all the smiley faces and all the perfect couples and all the happy marriages and we think I've lost all that Or I'll never be able to have that and because of our baggage and our brokenness and our mistakes and our anger and our resentments and and Our lostness all the things that have built up. We just have lost hope And so we quietly live broken-hearted My friends, I don't want you to run from that I want you to Embrace your place of desperate need for God's intervention For God's healing for God's restoration for God's growing you for God meeting you for God's Sustaining you this is us crying out to God and saying all that I longed for we've missed the mark Oh my God you come and restore our dreams about our marriage Well, you meet us here God because we need you we're at the end of being able to do it ourselves That's why I think we get in touch with our desperation And when we get that reminder that we need healing and restoration and vision and intervention from God It calls us to get before him on our knees and beg him for it Come on God come through for me and as the Old Testament has taught the God who then answers by fire He's God The God who brings the spark back. That's a God who I want to serve. That's a God who is in our marriages And maybe this morning, that's what we do maybe this morning. That's your interaction with the Lord Is that you're gonna cry out to the Lord in our last little response time? God come and rescue me and Bring your restoration your healing and your power 'Cause I need your hope. May God continue to ignite the spark in all of us.