(upbeat music) - You juggling the challenges of running a business while raising your little ones. Do you crave more ease in balancing your professional ambitions with the demands of parenthood? Well, sit tight, you're in the right place. I'm your host, Alison Caffrey, and I understand the growing pains that come with building a business while nurturing a growing household. Think of this as a soft spot to land when you feel like your ambitions are starting to become just a little overwhelming. Welcome to Growing Pains. Hey, welcome back to the Growing Pains podcast. I'm your host, Alison Caffrey. And today I sit down with Mama and business owner, Tanya Alvarez. Tanya and I met in a mastermind, and she was just so gracious to come on and chat with us on the show. And she has got y'all like a crazy amount of experience. She's done marathons, she's training for a century ride, which is 100 miles on a bike. I personally could never do that, but she is rocking it and has big goals, dreams, and aspirations. She shares a lot with us on the show. And her business is all around making entrepreneurs achieve their goals, right? So she is an accountability coach. She works with folks to achieve a lot of their wildest dreams, and she calls it, which I totally fumble in the episode, kind of like CrossFit for entrepreneurs. And so she's got huge fitness background. She's got a huge motivational and accountability background. And this mama also has two little kiddos at home, and they're actually the same ages as my kids. So she's got a two and a four year old. And so I know full well how crazy that is. I'm sure a lot of you do. And remember, if you're not currently in that season of life, but Tanya brings a, honestly, a grace and a positivity to a lot of the big challenges around staying accountable, achieving big goals and being able to balance all the things. We even dive in a little bit to how to regulate your nervous system as an early kind of toddler mom and running a business. And so this conversation was so fun. I cannot wait for you guys to hear it and I will see you inside. - Tanya, welcome to Growing Pains. I am so excited to have you here. - Thank you for having me, I'm stoked. - Yes, likewise. So we just got to know each other a little bit here before we press record. But for the mamas who are listening and wondering what exactly are you doing behind the scenes, tell me a little bit about your business and the family that you have at home. - Sure, I started my first business at 25, grew it over one million within the first year, eventually sold it, invested and started to others. And then during that whole process, I was like, why isn't there something like a crossfit for small business owners? And that's why I started owners up. And it's exactly what I needed because it's so important to have that accountability structure in the feedback loop. And then I have two little ones at home, I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old and I had less than 7% chance of having one. So I feel really happy to have it. I went through six rounds of IVF and I'm having my first child during COVID, March 25th, 2020 in New York City, where partners were not allowed the hospital. So I had my first experience on my own, and that was a whole unique experience. - Oh my goodness. We had ours on Frank in August of 2020. And I remember that when I was doing my appointments, my husband Steve could not come to any of them. And in the later weeks of the third trimester, they were going back and forth on whether or not partners were allowed to be in the delivery room. And I kept asking at all of my appointments and they were like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, but thankfully he was allowed 'cause we were a little bit later in the year. And so I think things might've lightened up a little bit, but holy cow. - But it only lasted one week, everyone protested 'cause can imagine, I had a C-section, but I can't imagine going through like vaginal birth on my own. - Mm-mm. - The C-section. - It's so quiet. - I can't believe it. So he wasn't allowed to be in the room with you. - Who dropped me off at the airport, you can't even enter the hospital. - Oh my gosh. - So what was that like? You were in the hospital on your own with a new little one, first time ever doing it. - Everybody terrified. Imagine all your nurses and doctors freaking terrified. - Yeah. - Oh my gosh. - And so like you had your own room and at that time, I was like, I wish I had somebody else to talk to because I was scared, they just fought the baby on me and I was like, whoa, what's going on? And the nurses, they were serving so many people and some of these nurses had first responders as significant others. So they were scared, worried, and to New York City. So it was an interesting time. I actually, after all this time, I think I finally processed it. And I'm still processing it. - It's funny, I was on a podcast and I'll have to connect you with the host about COVID moms. So moms that became moms during COVID. And I think that, and I don't know if this is your experience funny yet, but like when we became moms during COVID, it was such like an uncertain time for everybody. And like becoming a mom is also a really uncertain time. You've got the hormones going and you don't have any idea what you're doing, right? You're just kind of trying to get your footing and you're listening to all these different experts, whether it's your nurse in the hospital or your doctor or you're reading a book or whatever about it. And everything just felt so like unstable in life and then also in the world. - Did you experience like a huge shift in like your personality or in your home life? Like were there other like major changes that were going on in the wake of becoming a mom during COVID? - So beyond having that experience and then going to the pediatrician, your pediatrician looks like she works in a nuclear lab. She's like, oh, this is the baby's probably, but it's like, what the heck? And I couldn't go, my husband was terrified. And we lived at that time in a high rise in New York City in the 40th floor. And like, if you've ever been New York City, those elevators are small. So you're holding your breath during that whole time, hoping this baby that you barely had a chance to have and you're fortunate, nothing happens to 'cause we didn't know what's gonna happen. - Yeah. - But we moved in August to Minneapolis after 20 years. You would never get me out of New York City. I love New York City. I like in relationships before I got married, I was like, oh, you wouldn't wanna live in New York City? But there's not gonna work out. And during that time, it was such about like a zombie land and it felt so, you just, I can't even, I'm still processing it that we'd left in Minneapolis with no family and friends. My husband had an amazing opportunity. We're going cross country to a place where it's a beautiful place, but it's a very stoic culture. So it's like very European. So it's like, they're really good at making friends, but you have to get into the friend network. So it's like, oh my God, we're just coming. So I made it a game to make friends. So I felt like I shouldn't kindergarten again with a baby. Hi, my name is Tanya. I'm from New York. Can meet you? And I would follow up with people. So I went through a lot of changes in that one year. - Yeah, wow, that is a lot of changes. Honestly, what was the big deciding factor? You were like, we just gotta get out of the city and we gotta get somewhere that feels like a little calmer right now. I mean, what was that decision like? And I'm assuming you have family in New York. - Yeah, we do have family. It was a big change. - Oh my gosh. My husband worked in like the consulting and finance. And what we realized is if we continue the way we're going with this lifestyle, it wasn't gonna work out the way we wanted what we wanted to do. And so we wanted to kind of shift back and like, have it where his hours are a little different. He was still making as much. And when you leave out in New York City, I still love New York City and when I visit every year, it is a bubble you didn't even know you're in. It's like this, like, I felt like I was in FOMO, right? Like, I should be working more. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. Like, what about this restaurant? What about that? And now, and with kids, it's a whole nother level. - Totally. - Here, it's like, everyone's just kind of like more chill. There's playgrounds, more of like just living and being. So right now it's good change for us in this season. And I can run my company from anywhere. So we're always up for changes in moving. - How about, I remember, so my mother-in-law and father-in-law grew up in the city. They went to school in Manhattan and my father-in-law in Brooklyn. And I remember my mother-in-law telling me that when she first moved out of the city to the burbs, she couldn't sleep because there was like no constant, like, city noise behind. Was that true for you guys going to Minneapolis? - Yeah, they get, they tell us like, "Oh, you shouldn't live in this area. That's a city." And we're like, "What?" Like right now I live in a city, but I'm like, "Is this really a city?" So yeah, if there's not noise, I get a little freaked out. - That's too funny. Well, tell me about your inspiration to start owners up because I think this is a really interesting concept. So it's CrossFit for business owners, is that right? - Yeah, that's a fast room. - Amazing. - Yeah, so here I was training for the Boston Marathon and I was running one of my companies and I was like, I still, even though I've been a collegiate athlete, I still joined a team so I can train, have a coach because a marathon is just like a freaking business. - Absolutely. - And if you want to perform, you need check-ins, you need people getting your blind spot, you need other peers to be like, "Oh, you're going through this. Yep, can't go off this weekend because of this." And we just, just have motivation. And I realized that I didn't have it and I couldn't find it. There was tons of big groups out there, but it's not that intimacy of like, really that feedback loop that you needed. And so that's what I created. - That's fantastic. So why CrossFit? So it seems like you have your experience level and like tons of different types of like physical activities and fun, different sports. My parents have been like on the Boston Marathon circuit. They've run probably a dozen marathons like in their lifetime together. They would like travel and do it. It was like super fun. So I'm definitely no stranger to how challenging going through a marathon training is. My brother-in-law also just did an Ironman a couple of months ago, his very first one. And so like, it does, it takes a lot from you. Like, and you have to be in a position to be able to have not only a clear plan, but I think to your point, Tonya, like cool check-in points. And we'll talk about this in a second. But why CrossFit? - What do you think about CrossFit? It's that community. Like for me, people think, if I list like some of them, my achievements, like, you know, I've done half my or no, man, they're like, wow, you must be, I have such discipline, such willpower. No, I'm not just like normal. Like everybody else, the only thing is I press support structure in place. Sure, sure. I'm excited. It's like, I was finding the first century ride, right? It's happening in August. And I almost made a mistake, probably what a lot of entrepreneurs do. I was like, oh, I'll pretty sketch only on doing myself because now with like kids, it's really hard to navigate in. I don't know many people here who can go on a ride at like in the middle of the day 'cause I don't wanna do the weekends and nights. And so I almost did that mistake. And my husband's like, no, you gotta go ride. So he's like, go ride in this group on Saturday. And then I was like, okay, now. And he goes, I got the kids and I started riding. And I thought, I'm not alive. I felt guilty of leaving. And then I was riding and I was meeting all these people and it was just a whole 'nother thing. And now I'm like, okay, I'm on schedule and ready to go. But if you left it up to me, that might've been a bit harder, you know? And I probably would've done the century ride, but I might've not been able to walk for a month. I would just do like a mental willpower to get it done. - Yeah, totally. I talk about this all the time as it relates to my building operations behind the scenes of your company, the spoiler alert, lots of the listeners know, but I come from an operations background. And I talk about how like when you build some of these operating systems in your business, it's really often that folks try to do the proverbial, like run the marathon on day one, right? They build this big, beautiful thing. And then it becomes really cumbersome to maintain because they actually need the stamina to be able to perform at marathon speed when their business is actually down here. And so I think when we start to do this, like I love the idea of having a training plan. I love the idea of having accountability and check-ins and that kind of thing. What is so specifically important about accountability? Because I think that there are times, and even in my own personal life, my own personal business trajectory, even with my health goals. Like I've had health coaches in the past where like I've performed really, really well and then I've had health coaches or personal trainers where I haven't. And so what, like what is so specifically important about accountability and why does it really lead us to success and are there important components within accountability that need to exist that actually make somebody really successful? - So there's all great questions. And yes, I've had coaches where they are just not good. And it's the way that they handle your setbacks and your blind spots, right? So for example, if you didn't, let's say you needed to do, I'm just gonna make something up. If you needed to do a YouTube video and you had that planned and everything was ready to go, you didn't do it. I'm like, okay, well, why? And then we figure out, is it a gap analysis, the skill analysis, are you being perfectionism? And then we shift the mind, you do a little mindset, and then we get you back into action. Because I can give you all the consequences to cheer you on, but if you're stuck at that mindset thing or that issue, I'm not gonna be able to move you. - Yeah. - So that is super important. And then the accountability is, let's face it, we're all like, we're super motivated. We'd all be like super smart, healthy, living the life of our dreams. It just happens, life happens, and the people who need accountability the most are overachievers. 'Cause they take on everything, they do it all, and they have a hard time enforcing boundaries. - Does accountability for those types of people look different than someone who wants to get off the bench and do something for the first time? - Yes. So the overachievers need to kind of subtract and it's a little bit different because the subtraction's gonna be the hard thing. And say you know the things and enforcing that. And not getting into perfectionism and letting go. The people who need to get off the bench need just an encouragement. So the first thing we do is they need a consequence that is fun, but not shaming. 'Cause what happens with accountability is a lot of people shame. And then after the first, second shame, you're gone. You're kind of like, well, my confidence was okay now it feels like crap, you know? So the change, what we do is we have it where they sing in front of a group. You know, we make it a fun song, we all dance. So when the inner critic that's like, oh, I don't know if this is good enough, then the inner critic's like, well, I don't wanna sing. I'm just gonna submit this. And usually that 70% was awesome. 'Cause that 30% that you're gonna work on and wasn't gonna make that much of a difference, right? So people start getting into action and they start seeing like, they're like, oh, wow. This, I don't know, post I put up on LinkedIn actually performed, I think, and I was gonna work on a 30% more and then the momentum starts. And then you have the cheerleaders, you know, the people who are championing you, and then it's easier. Where the other ones, it's a mindset of changing that they have to work harder and do more. - Hmm. So what degree do you have to really care about the person who's holding you accountable? Because I wonder that really often, where in certain circumstances where I've either hired a business coach or a personal trainer or just stayed accountable for anybody in my life, whether that was paid unpaid, you know, family relationship, friend relationship, I feel like I really cared about what that person thought about me. And so then it would like help me show up for that person, right? And so like to what degree is that like a massive measure of success when you're holding somebody accountable? - You know, I haven't thought about that one. (laughing) I'm gonna be honest with you. I've got something starting to think about it. - I haven't thought about that. So I think that whoever I'm attracting likes a system and, you know, I'm living, I'm, I'm living what I'm telling other people to live, right? So to be part of the family and everything. So I'm assuming that they're showing up because of themselves. But my big thing is, even when I'm training other coaches is to get really, really clear on what's important to them and their why and why they're doing it. 'Cause I think that sometimes we say we want something but we really don't. Like, okay, you're gonna get in shape. Why? Well, one of the reasons for me, like after two C sections and sure, I could have said, oh, I want to get back to my athletic body. Like, okay, great. No, I want to freaking hold my kid up like this and do Superman and all these things. I'm gonna find back. That's a whole different and I want my kid, I want to be active with my kid. That's a bigger one. If anyone gets me to that, I'm up for it. It doesn't matter who the person is. But if you're telling me, oh, it's to look good, get skinnier, blah, blah, blah, totally different level, right? So it's getting more to like, really? Why are you doing this? Yeah, I appreciate that a lot. 'Cause I think there are probably some superficial reasons why people, why people think they're doing something. And then there might be a deeper reason that I think it's really cool that you're coaching like uncovers that. I'm excited to talk about just the environment in general. So you mentioned like health and achieving those goals with physical activity. You've mentioned family as well. Is that like a component of something that you do or is this like strictly with CrossFit? It's basically, we don't do any physical stuff. It's all business by the way. We do help out way. Okay, so okay. CrossFit for business owners, like the analogy, like you know how CrossFit you're going. It's with people, different goals, all of that. I am not finished. It just so happens, I'm injured. That you have a big background in fitness. Okay, so I just keep that analogy. I misunderstood. I did misunderstand. And I think that what I, that I want to know like, okay, so what is a typical kind of like well-rounded type of entrepreneur look like, you know, if they're achieving a, is it always a business goal or is it sometimes a personal goal that they're pursuing with you? It's always a business goal. And then we enforce it with a personal. So for example, one of our members came in. He was about 300,000 and he's like, I can't take on any more people. I just want my time back. I want my weekends here, two little ones. He goes, I just want my weekends. That's it. And I want to be present. And we're like, okay, well, you can have both. But he couldn't hear you can have both, right? He could just hear like, if I grow my company, I'm really going to be just like, maybe have a heart attack, you know, but it's an extreme. And so what we did is we helped him understand like, how he wanted to do everything by himself. We probably hadn't one other person on his team. Now he's on track to do one million. He's taking Friday's off during the summer. And it's really just getting him really focused on what his goal is and like subtracting other stuff. And just champion him and like, what's really important? And that feedback loop. Oh my God, I don't care, even if you're not owners of that feedback loop, it's so important. And most people don't have that sounding board, right? Like we have this challenge like, is this worth me pursuing or should like, you know, is this post really good? Or what about this lead magnet? You need that feedback loop because by yourself, it never works. - Yeah, it's so true. And honestly, entrepreneurship sometimes can be lonely, right, where you're working on something and you have a team that's supporting you. And sometimes your team comes back out of excitement and they're like, yeah, this looks great. But you need almost that like other leader who like understands your industry and can like actually kind of give you some helpful feedback or some food for a thought. And I love that incubation. So it feels like, I was actually on the phone with my coach earlier today. And I was asking her literally that question. I was like, what blind spots do you see for me moving forward in my leadership? Because we're growing our company and I have about 12 people on my team. And it's like super, super important to be able to like lead with that confidence and be able to really see, right? Like be self-critical, but also self-motivating. And it's so incredibly important to have that feedback loop. Did you like, why did you start this business? Did you start this out of need? Did you know, you have, you know, an experience earlier on and kind of your business ownership, you know, background where a coach particularly was super helpful for you? - So I was a little bit of an underdog, right? And I didn't even know it. At 25, I was growing an agency and I figured I had to figure everything out on my own. And I was used to working really hard and it was almost like a bat. Like I almost had a chip on the shoulder that I was gonna prove. And that was a little bit of my motivation. And then finally, even when I got over that $1 million mark, I looked around and it was mostly men. And when I looked at them, I was like, wow, they all have these small groups and communities. And I wouldn't do a race without a team. So why am I doing this all by myself, right? And then that sounds like we need this as entrepreneurs and no one's really trying to help the people under $1 million, right? And that's when people, there's so many entrepreneurs in that space and they're suffering. - Like the majority actually of entrepreneurs are have businesses in the six-figure year range. - So then when I figured out, I was like, wow, all these nuances, like even like raising kids, like, oh my God, trying to get kids to sleep. Like you can search on Google, like figure it all out on your own test things, but there's certain things that only a mom can tell you based on experience that you're just like, oh, and it just clicks, right? - Totally, yeah, totally. - 'Cause all the knowledge is out there. But it's the emotional roller coaster, like, I don't know. But we went, I was such an extreme. I was co-sleeping, and then I went all the way to sleep training. - That is an extreme. - So you're growing a company and then you're raising like two small kiddos. Like what was that like early, you know, period? Like, I mean, your kiddos are still young, just like mine. I mean, my house is at our chaos. We were saying this before when we hit record, like, it's just wild, like kids will be screaming, kids will be throwing stuff against the wall. So like, what was that process like for you? And how did you kind of find your bearings in early motherhood and business ownership? - I would say the beginning was a real big identity shift. And it was a hard one because I realized, oh, wow, I'm going to have to even like be more effective on my productivity, like be more efficient and also be more present. Like I did not want my kid to see me on the phone. And so we actually, we haven't, we were, when we told our kids, like, if you see mommy and daddy on the phone, say, no phones, please. And then my son added, I love you. And I was like, ah, you know, like that's like just, so like when he sees us anything on the phone, we try to just have it on our watch 'cause we were not going to text back somebody 'cause it's freaking hard, you know? So we just like move our phones and, but it's hard because you also want to take pictures and videos of your kids, but that's our rule. So if our kids see us with no, like on the phone and not taking pictures, they tell us that. And that's just a reminder to be present because kids are just going to model us later on in 10, when they're 10, 11, 12 on the phone. And that by the way is super hard to do. Not be on your phone because you start thinking about work and then you pick it up and there you are. - Yeah, we had a really coming to moment where we, it was last year when it was at 2023. Yeah, so in the beginning of 2023, we had a conversation. My husband and me, we do some annual planning every year. And we were like, what is the way that we can, 'cause we didn't have more time, right? Like nobody has more time, you don't just like go find it, like spare change in your drunk drawer or something. Like this doesn't work like that. And so we were like, how can we get more intentional time together, like he and I and then with the kids? And so we instituted the no phones before, after 6 p.m. rule. And I really, really like that rule. And I think it's a good one for anybody who has a challenging time like being off of their phone during the day, if it's even the six to six. So like the first, when you first wake up in the morning, like don't just look at your phone, like do some reading, do some journaling, do some stretching or something, a wellness activity, right? And then after 6 p.m. 'cause we usually eat dinner at six. So like from dinner on, like we don't, we don't have our phones. So like the whole bedtime and the whole craziness there, it was easy to adopt because both of those times are not within the window of time where we would usually be talking to a lot of people. And then we've like slowly taken those barriers like farther and farther in. So like there are some times, especially when I am at like a full day of, you know, thing going on with my team and, you know, I'm on Zoom meetings or I'm recording podcasts like this one. And I actually like don't pick up my phone until like two o'clock in the afternoon. Just do not pick it up. I forget that it exists and you know, it's good and bad because often it's mostly like when I'm with my kids. So my kids are at home, I work from home. So there's no like worry that somebody is going to call me, you know, from, you know, babysitting or daycare or any of that stuff. So that's really, really great. But for the most part, I do believe that creating those boundaries with the kids is so, so, so important because they really do like, like their sponges. They just observe every single thing that we do. So what other boundaries are you putting in place at home or like for you to like preserve that family time? Because I think for the moms listening, this is like super top of mind for them, whether they have teenagers or whether they have little kids, like the kids are always observing. - Oh, they so are like, I didn't realize, I would say a lot of please and thank you. And it's just natural for me. And my daughter, she's two years old, someone like Kather, the waiter, like said, gave put something, she goes, thank you and looked in the eye. And I was like, that's really good at you, you know? So small little things 'cause you're observing how you treat people. - Yeah. - And we try like, you know, we don't argue, we don't do a number of things. There's just, I guess you have to first figure out what are your values and then how do you want your kids? How do you want your family values? Like what does it mean to hold those values? Like for us, it's really important to be active. So after dinner, we always go for a walk or we do something, that's it. So we're not worrying about our kids later on being active 'cause that's just the natural being. Like we're always doing something and getting them moving. We don't watch TV and not always, there's always exceptions. Everyone needs exceptions, I think. It is, we just try to put rules and we're like, okay, well, there's sometimes where you do want to put them in front of a TV and then you have to think, well, why do you want them? Oh, because you didn't think of all the activities that they could do ahead of time. So we try to think of ways that, you know, chat GPT, what are activities that they can do? So mommy and daddy can do some things, but I will say that what we're still working on, my husband and I are having more personal time or having date, we do day dates instead of date nights. So we go lunches together and we're both learning how to kind of go on our own and then come back. So just at least one night when we're going out with a friend or just, you know, doing something. So we can start like building up our personal wellbeing. And I think that's been a, I wouldn't say that was an easy one for me. - Hmm, honestly, we're in a similar boat, Tonya. I, you know, we don't do the date night thing and you know what, to be totally fair, we never really did. Steve and I spend a lot of time together and we do it, like usually what we'll do is we'll have like a one o'clock-ish like afternoon coffee, like here and there at, like the kids go down for a nap, like in our kitchen, like at our island. And it's like really nice to be like home and with him. Like both of us are very much home bodies, but we've had conversations in the past about doing like day, date lunches or like going out for a cup of coffee and something, like a small bite to eat. And it's hard, right? It's hard to like carve out that time 'cause then we're like, well, do we really need it? Do we feel like we wanna spend the money? Do we feel like all of those things, right? That start to like a mess. And then we're like, we might as well just stay home. And so I feel like, yeah. For us, it feels like we also are on the precipice of a major change like that. And I'll keep everybody updated on how that goes. But I'll be honest, it is. It's really hard because sometimes then I think like, well, should we even do this? Like, does it make sense to hire a babysitter to like go to lunch or whatever else? And so it's probably really, really hard. And I'd imagine for you guys too, because you aren't in a place where you guys have a ton of friends and family or at least didn't, you know, for the early days. Has that been a little bit better now? - So we could have a babysitter. It's just, we just got my son Luke. He was sleeping in our bed. We got him finally to his bed. So that was a bit hard, you know? We were like, oh, okay, fine. You can just sleep in our bed. He would sleep in his bed and sleep in. And we weren't really good with our boundaries. And now we're like, okay, we need to get him to sleep through the night. So we can get brave him. He does have some race cars now. - Yeah, you gotta do it. - But another one is more about taking time for my nervous system. Like, I think we're talking about that before. I didn't realize how tap out like my nervous system was and how I'm like learning how to heal it. And I don't think a lot of people talk about that with motherhood. - What was your experience? Was it like overstimulation? - I guess my watch telling me that if I continue hearing this loud sound, I might be deaf. - Do you have a watch, do you have an Apple watch? - No, I have an Apple watch, but I don't know what, yeah, I don't know what you're referring to. - When the kids start screaming? - You've never got that word? - No. - Oh, your kids don't scream at that. - I don't wear my watch. I wear my watch when I work out, but I don't wear it like during the day, typically, so I'm not with the kids when I wear the watch. So our kids definitely scream, but honestly, I'm gonna wear it next time and see what happens because so what it tells you that you're gonna go deaf if you continue to play these loud sounds? - Yeah. - Oh my gosh. So then, okay, so you're honestly, I had a really similar experience. My watch didn't tell me anything, but it was like one day, so my husband's always playing music. It's an excellent thing inside of our home. Always, he's playing music, we joke. I joke with him that he should get a train and wear it around his neck, and the speaker should come with him everywhere 'cause he's always playing music. Anyway, so there was one particular night where he was playing music, a song had come on the playlist, and it was particularly loud, and then the kids were being super loud, banging trucks together or something, and I'm doing dishes. And I started to get this super tight feeling in my chest, and I was like, what is this? Am I about to have a heart attack? And so it started on the exterior out by my arms, and then it kind of came into the middle and went up into my throat, and I was like, oh my God, I was like, am I about to have a heart attack? And so I shot the water off and started getting some breaths, and then I realized I couldn't get a deep breath in. You know how that satiated, full breath? And I was like, oh my gosh, am I sensitive to really, really loud, auditory, heavy environments? And so that's when I started thinking, I was like, man, I really need to go and get some time, either outside or when I go, we have a little home gym and a shed outside of our house. And it's like, that's the time to go get the mind right, and then I can enter into some of these more chaotic environments. But my goodness, what was your experience? When that watch pinged, what did you do? - I think mine is, I grew up in sometimes food home scarcity, home when I was growing up. And so I've been defying a little bit of the odds on how I've been able to succeed. And one of the tactics I've been using is I pretty much kind of repressed situations growing up and just said, like, I'm just gonna thrive, I'm just gonna go through. So I never addressed all the things I've repressed. And then now with kids, and then sometimes of the screaming, and I'm just like, what is all these emotions, you know? Like when the kids are crying and certain things, like I was taught, like, you just don't cry, you kind of like reframe, move forward positive and be in action. Yeah, I grew up in a Hispanic household, and there was some heating involved, unfortunately, and I'm not hating my kids. So there's a lot of things where it's like, I was like, whoa, where's this coming from? I believe in this, but I guess, I don't know, the inner child feels something else, and there's a lot of tension, I need to live, yeah. And that's where I've been working through it, you know? Learning to, it's emotionally regulate. No one teaches anybody about emotional regulation, then we have to teach our kids how to emotionally regulate, and like you said before, they're watching us. That's exactly right. So if I'm kind of like, you don't breathe in and breathe out, and I'm like tens my whole body, they're like, what the heck, you look like, you're nervous. Oh yeah, we do a lot of breathing here. Lots of breathing in and breathing out, 'cause I need it, but I think like, a lot of the stuff I've read about nervous system regulation, as it relates to teaching kids, is a lot that, like the process of regulating is actually what they thrive in. So like, it's cool if you lose it. But the important part is that you have a process that you go through to take it back down, you show them how you're doing that, because there's really nothing wrong with having an adverse reaction to loud noises, or having, yeah, something come up for you, like that's just part of life. And I think that when we're taught that those types of things are bad, that's when we get into the repression and the avoidance and all that stuff. And I am like, buy no means an expert, but I have been clearly working on this as well. But even doing the breathing exercises, and I've been told that physical touch is really, really important. So like, if you can, that's like a way to know like if you have been regulated, because something that was true for me in the beginning is like, Steve, my husband, for example, would come over and be like, are you okay? And he'd like put his hand on my shoulder and I'd like jump back. And that's the sign of an emotionally deregulated person. - I didn't know that. - Is they don't want that physical touch. And if our kids are like really off the rails or like throwing a tantrum, it's often that they won't accept hugs from us, they won't, right? And so like our job is to get everybody into a position where the physical touch is actually like really co-regulating and calming. And so I use that as like our little litmus test internally to make sure that like everybody's good, right? Everybody's good. We all can hug. We can like put our arms around each other. It feels inviting and comfortable. - I had no clue about that one. You know, that makes sense. I know right now that my daughter's really good at, 'cause she's a second one. So she's really good at emotional regulation. Like let the emotions out then she'd be like, "Mom, mom, hug." And then I was like, "Okay." But my son is like, now just leave me alone. I was like, "Uh-oh." So I'm trying to change all those things 'cause I don't wanna continue a generation generation. You gotta just stop it. But it's a, to stop it, it takes a lot of work. I feel like I've joined every course or in program. I'm like, everything. - It's so tough. I think sometimes like we have a lot of pressure as parents. And I think the same is true for business owners, right? Like it's our thing. We wanna get it right. It's a piece of who we are. I think something that we were talking about earlier, which I'm curious if you've noticed too, Tanya, is like we were just talking about how the kids watch everything, right? And then they mirror a lot of our behavior. And the same is true with like our emotions and all the things, right? They really are seeing every single thing that we're doing. And they're almost like holding up a mirror. Like I see things that I want to improve in myself when Frank, my son, my older son. So he's four. When he like says something back to me, I'm like, "Oh man, I do say that a lot, don't I?" Maybe I should like reframe the way that goes. So do you feel like your little ones are just like little walking mirrors where they're like, "Oh mom, here's something else "I gotta change about myself." - Yeah, I tell people these are the best personal development ever. - Yes, they are. It's so true. - It's like immediately, I'm like, "Oh." And then when we do like right now, I'm really big into growth mindset. I've always been. And when my kids are like, I'm gonna keep trying and trying until again, I'm like, "Yes." But then when they've seen something that's negative, I'm like, "Oh God." And I'm like learning and trying to make sure I can make that change quickly. - Oh, that's too funny. Tanya, what are you excited about? What's coming down the pike for you in the business, the businesses that you've got and your family? - The big thing is kind of figuring out soon kindergarten and making sure that my day ends at three o'clock. It's being present. So that's all my big why. And then growing in a way where I feel like when you put constraints and things, you become more resourceful and creative. And so that allows me to be like, "Okay, how can I do this with the least effort and get the best results?" And then with my, yeah, that's my business. I guess my family, that's sizing to one. - That's amazing. A lot of us, I think, think that like business and family are like two separate things. But I think that if we think about like life just being this all encompassing thing of all the things that we are, like I love thinking about it in that really simple way because if you want to be available for your kiddos from three to five, like life might look a little bit different in some of the other hours. And so we get to kind of author our own situation, right? We get to like be the creator and be able to like find the times to do the important things that we need to do. And it almost even gives us permission. Like we were saying before we press record that I'm taking some time off in the summer. And that as a forcing function has helped me actually say no to more things than I've said yes to. And I even have this little saying internally at operations agency that I tell my assistant Kelsey, she's fantastic. And I'm like, a no is a yes to our goals. A no is a yes to our goals. And so like I love being able to say that because I am a recovering yes person. Like I love to do everything and the kind of person you were describing like taking on too many things and they need a lot of accountability. I was like, that's me. So it's so funny to like think about that in this season. But I think you're going to have a really cool opportunity ahead of you to kind of redefine what your kind of work situation looks like to be able to be home and accommodate being like present for the kids. And that's just such an exciting time. I really do look forward to hearing how that goes. - Yeah, and by the way, the way you're going about it, I think most business owners should take that time off. And I'm sure you cover it in your book. But on my first business, I went to travel around the world because I didn't travel much. And so I would book these tickets and to other countries where like I didn't have internet access, you know, like Machu Picchu, hiking and all of this stuff. And I had to be like, oh, my business does not like my team can handle it. And the best thing is that that empowers your team. And it also forces you to have really good systems in place and really see if the business can run without you. - Yeah, I love it. You're speaking my language. Where can folks follow along? Where can they hear about all the fun things that you're doing with owners up and, you know, everything that's going on behind the scenes with your fam? - Yeah, you can find me on Instagram. Tanya C. Alvarez and on LinkedIn, I post often. And then just DM me saying that you saw me in this podcast and then I'll send you how to get 20 hours back a week and then how to get right, put the right accountability groups so you can succeed. - That is so fantastic. Amazing resources. I'll make sure that everything is linked in the show notes. Tanya, anything you want to leave listeners with some inspiration for mamas who are just in the thick of it running businesses and growing families? - Find your group of people. And the best way to do is just look at them and say, "Hmm, are these values the ones I want?" And just even if it's three or five people, you don't have to do this alone. - That's so powerful. Find your people, everybody listening. This was such a fantastic conversation, Tanya. Thank you so much for joining me on Growing Pains. - Thank you for having me. - Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of Growing Pains. I know that you have so many things vying for your attention right now. So I am so grateful that you just spent the last hour or so with me. So I hear all the time from mompreneurs, Ali, Ali, what systems do I need to have in place in order to thrive in business and in parenthood? If you go over to allisoncafery.com/checklist, you can grab my kidproof business checklist and it will get you started in the right direction around making sure that you build a business that doesn't steal all of the time away from your family. If you loved today's episode, I would be so, so, so honored. If you would leave a review on the podcast, it helps us reach even more incredible mompreneurs just like you and give them the resources they need to be wildly successful in business and wildly present at home with their families. Thanks so much again and I'll see you next time. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
