The Johnny Salami Podcast
Derek Drescher
I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Why did you leave me here? Goodbye, if you're not. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, well, I'm hurting. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] You good? [MUSIC PLAYING] It's just weird, dude. It's like a different-- these chairs are like a different vibe, dude. I fuck with these chairs. Wow, these are actually really comfy, dude. I feel like I need like a kid on my lap. Really? Give him a dollar, be like, get out of here. It's a little creepy, dude. Yeah. Fuck you, dude. Shout out Bed Bath and Beyond. Have you ever been? Yeah, a couple-- only like twice. You can't take it. There's too many fucking broads in there. Why, dude, why would that be a bad thing? Because, dude, I mean, how old are you? Are you 27, 28? 28. 28, yeah, when you get-- I guess when you get a little older, you're just like, yeah. Really? Yeah. I feel like that's all I'm going to look forward to. I mean, I'll probably be alone, though, dude. So it'll be like-- No, you won't be alone. It'll probably be a part of the schedule. You'll get about to go to Bed Bath and Beyond. Yeah. Dude, I used to do that all the time. When I live with my mom, dude, I was just getting no pussy. And I would go to Target, dude. Bed Bath and Beyond. Dude, if you had those places late at night, holy shit, dude. What about Walmart? I go there now. You get the fucking-- them dub goblins. Yeah. Yeah. Like at midnight, dude. Oh, god. It's going to come out, dude. I can only imagine what's there. It checks with the fucking flappy arms. Oh, man. After like 11 at Walmart, dude, you'll see people where you're like, there's no way. That's a person. That's a person. That's a person. Yeah. They look like them fucking creatures from like-- what was that movie with the fucking-- the devil who talks. The exorcist? No, no, no. Hell, boy. OK. Yeah. There's like all these goblins. And they reminded me of a Walmart. The scene reminded me of a Walmart. Like walking through this like goblin town center. And I was like, yeah, it's like Walmart. Yeah, it's fucking crazy, dude. I go there all the time at like 11. Because I don't want to go when people are there. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's even crazier when it's like busy. Packed? Yeah. I got a Saturday. Yeah. That's when you steal. You steal? I think we used to steal from Walmart when we were fishing. We were like 13 years old. Because you could just-- I saw-- I was with the dude ones who walked in, stole like a saltwater fishing pole and just walked right out. Like he just walked right by-- It was like 500 bucks, right? It was probably like 25 bucks. Oh, that's-- It probably broke the second he cast it out. Damn, I thought saltwater poles were expensive. No, dude. I bought like three from Walmart before and they all just snapped. Yeah. Unless you get one of those ugly sticks. They call them ugly sticks, dude. They're like fishing poles. And you can like literally fucking bend them like this. I mean, it fits the people that-- it's like-- It's the Walmart brand? Yeah. Yeah, dude. I saw ugly socks, ugly sticks. Yeah. But dude, yeah, pretty much every pull I ever got from Walmart like broke. Yeah. I would just like have a fish on the line that's like half a pound and it's like-- Yeah, dude. I got a couple of shotguns from Walmart. I went to shoot people and they jammed. Wow. No, I'm joking. [LAUGHTER] I feel like you ever used to roll around in minivans and stuff? What? Like a Honda Odyssey or something. Oh, like hop out and like rob people? Just do like a few drive-bys. I never did a drive-by. I never shot at anybody like that. But I mean, there were times when we-- there was a couple times we had a van. Was it like a nice van, though? You think like a nice-- It's like an Astro van, big boxy one. OK. Tall ceiling in the back. Like spacious? Like you were kind. Yeah. Yeah. Like you could have a bed back there. Yeah, because I've been thinking like all these movies do where there's drive-bys. It's always like a nice, spacious caravan, you know? They pull up and they like hit the button, because it's like, and it's like, shh, shh, shh. And like, yo. You get to time it perfectly. Yeah. Yeah, open it while it's driving. But with the sensors now, I don't think that would happen, dude. I think it would fuck you up. Like, yo, man, open the door, get it ready. It won't let me. I got to put it in park. Yeah. Yeah. All those sensors would probably fuck it up. But the windows rolled down now in the vents. So that big window in the back of the van, back in the day, those didn't open. If you got lucky, you had one that had like a little clip you could unhook, and it would open the window like that much. Those open now, the ones in the back. Dude, straight up roll all the way down, dude. That's fucking sick, dude. We're living in fucking wild times, dude. Honestly, dude, I wouldn't even mind having a minivan. Right now? Yeah. I'd fuck with that. I'd roll with you right now if you had a minivan and a minivan. Do you like bang-busts episodes? Yeah, dude, fucking pick up fucking some checks from Greenwich Village Comedy Club. I feel like if I ever did a drive-by, dude, I just I wouldn't put the window down. You would just shoot through the window? I would shoot through the walls. [LAUGHTER] Why? I just think I'd be fucking badass, dude. It would. They called that a wall bang. No joke. The word you hear this? Call of duty. Get out of here. Yeah. I believe it then. You can get mad XP from that, dude. Vex. Experience points? Dude, I haven't played Call of Duty in fucking years. I used to play regularly. Bro, you should hop on. Modern Warfare? Yeah. That was my shit. That's like 20 years. That's all I play. 20 years ago. What number of modern warfare are they on now? Well, dude, they just redid the-- you remember Modern Warfare 2? Modern Warfare 2. It's basically like what everyone my age grew up on. Right. I did the original Modern Warfare, which was like the English dude with the cigar. I forget what his name was. Bro, they literally just keep making stuff that used to be OG, you know what I mean? Yeah. So all the old games, they're just remaking and making better. Dude, college football is back now. Are people going crazy about college football right now? You can recruit kids and shit. From high school? Yeah, I had to fucking delete the game. Well, I was like, it's too much, dude. For real? You can legitimately recruit kids who don't even exist. And do you lose yourself in the game? Yeah, dude, I could recruit a special needs kid to make him like 6, 8, like 250. But I'm looking for a deaf kid. Yeah. You can just make him however you want. No, you can't have a deaf kid on the squad, dude. I mean, maybe he'd play better because there's no distractions. I mean, where would he play, though? Because you can't hear the huff, huff, huff. Probably just the line or something. All he has to do is wash the ball. He would never be off-sides, dude. True. Because you can't hear. Maybe he'd throw him like a nickel back set. Yeah. Yeah, having room. Having room? Yeah. I mean, dude, I grew up with a Guatemalan kid. His name was Joey. And he found out that he actually started playing football before me. And he told me he went to a practice. First practice, dude, he didn't even know what to do. Well, he probably thought it was soccer. I would imagine. I'd go out a mile. Yeah, he's used to. Like, we're used to playing soccer in the backyard and shit. Yeah. You know, he didn't like beans and shit afterwards, dude. But he told me that he showed up at this fucking football practice. And he said they put him on the O line. And he just started tackling people. And they loved it, right? No, dude. Now they were mad? No, I guess he got put on the bench, dude. Damn. Because that's fucked up. Well, bro, there's no really Spaniards who ever made it in the fucking, in the big league. True. Just Tony Gonzalez. That's not even racist, dude. That's like, just facts. Yeah. It's like one. Tony Gonzalez is the biggest Mexican I've ever seen in my life. He's Mexican. Mate, I don't know. He's like Canadian. He's something. Yeah. His last name's Gonzalez. He doesn't sound Hispanic at all, though. Now I got to look it up. He's got like his own fucking like dress shirts and shit, too. Or is that Michael Strand? I think Michael Strand probably has a clothing line. He's got a clothing line at JCPenney. He's doing shows with Kelly Ripka and shit. Who the fuck is that? Whatever. One banging. So the chick that he does a show with. So Regis Philman used to have a show with her, but before it was-- so it's like it was Regis and Kelly before that. It was Regis and some other chick, Kathy. Kathy Lee. Was it the morning show, though? Dude, Kathy Lee Gifford. Her husband was Frank Gifford, who was a running back for the New York Giants. He was like 30 years older than her. He cheated on her. Really? She quit the show. They brought in Kelly. So now it's Regis and Kelly. And this is like the morning show, right? Something like that. And then Regis got soup. Like he got-- I think the gay took him over completely. And then they brought in Strayhand. So now it's Michael and Kelly. You think they get after it? Like fuck? Yeah. Kelly and Michael? Yeah. I want to be surprised. Because like, dude, that's like a feel-good vibe. You know what I mean? They're talking about the weather and shit. Yeah. Talking about-- talking about the weather. Dude, Strayhand-- He does like skinny white bitches. Really? Yeah, his wife was a skinny white bitch. Is he divorced? Yeah, dude. She took him. Oh, she didn't sign the preenup? She got him good. Fuck, man. Yeah. I feel like he's-- because he's like a heartfelt guy. I feel like he's pretty easy to get. You know what I mean? What do you mean? I know it's Michael. It just seems like a really like heartfelt guy. You think so, Strayhand? He's just like one of those nice guys. You just like don't want to piss off. You ever hear somebody-- people were asking him if he was ever going to get his gap fixed? Yeah, you got emotional, didn't he? Yeah, he was like, nah. Yeah. And he was like, he can't be perfect. Really? Dude, I heard when he was a rookie in the NFL, they tried fucking with him like the vets. And he just fucking beat the fuck out of him. Yeah, I want to be surprised about that. He was a-- he's-- That's like unheard of, though, dude. For a rookie to do that? Yeah, I know. They usually bitch up. Yeah. Baseball, too. I wonder if he just fucking jerked him off, dude, or something. Suck him off? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] I feel like that sometimes we're fucking-- you don't talk about comedy on this podcast, right? Dude, comedy kind of makes my dick soft, man. Dude, it's so gay. It's so gay, dude. It's the fucking worst. It's the worst thing about me. I get so upset talking about it, you know? Fuck it. Because usually you're talking about comedy with like bitter comics. Yeah. And I don't want to be like a bitter comic, you know what I mean? No, I don't think you will be. I mean, dude, it could have happened. You're too-- I feel like I'm pretty calm, but-- No, you're a calm guy, for sure, but I think-- I'm just around too many people that are like, you ever hear somebody say this, you're like, dude, if I don't fucking make it, bro, and I'm just like, dude, can we just fucking not do this right now? I hate that, you know? I hate that. Yeah. I made it already. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think we both made it, dude. Yeah. We're here, here and here. So-- It is gay. But I feel like even though like, rookies like young people get-- you know, they get the fucking-- Dude, that's weird, like, because like, you're older than me. Yeah. But like, we've hung out before. Yeah. But like, the first interaction with an older comic is always like, it's very weird. It's kind of creepy, right? Yeah. Creepy as fuck. Well, no, I mean, I think older comics kind of hate younger comics, too. Oh, for sure. They're like, oh, look at this fucking loser. Well, because they see themselves in them. Yeah. But then once you hang out with them once, you're like, all right, it's fine, you know? Yeah. But I think I was molding comics from just like, dude, I don't even know what to say right now. Yeah. Because you can't just like scream fucking vagina right away, you know what I mean? I would be cool that if you did that. Really? Yeah, dude. If we were on the road and we were just in like, fucking Arlington, Virginia, and you were just like-- I used to do that, dude. When I would meet people, I would just try to be like, upfront with them, like from the jump. Dude. It's never once ended well. Just being yourself? Yeah. Dude, I used to do floors in college. That's fucking-- it was just me and this other dude. He finished floors? Like, hardwood floors? I finished on them, yeah. You were doing pile and shit like that? This guy would just lay down floors, and then he would call me up, and I would show up and just jerk off. And they'd put a glaze on him? He'd just throw me 100 bucks, dude. He was like-- No, this dude would literally pick me up in a van, dude. Just take me to-- [LAUGHTER] No, he would take me to these job sites. He's like wicked nice houses. Like, this dude was legit. Like, he was a good floorsman. Right. A floorsman? I think-- is that what they call him? It's hilarious. Yeah. But, dude, bro, we were literally no joke. We go to this job site, and it's like pretty much like a mansion. Like, it's a wicked nice fucking house. And it's like a new construction, and the owners are still there, dude. So this guy's talking to the owners in front of me, and I'm just being polite or whatever. And the owners leave, and I just see like a mallet on the countertop. Yeah. And this is my first time ever working with this guy. And I just go, dude, imagine if I just took that mallet and just started swinging at all the cabinets? [LAUGHTER] What did he say? And he just, like, straight face. Doesn't laugh. He goes, um, he's like, dude, that's why you'll never own a business. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Because you think like that. Yeah. Dude, I thought that was going to crush. You have a business now, though. I know, dude. What'd you call him? Yeah. Be like, hey. But dude, same guy, right? So he let you keep working for him after that? Dude. Yeah. And he picked me up the next time. And I think he definitely got the wrong vibe for me. Because he would pick me up. I would have to drive to his house, and then we'd just get in the van and go to the job. So it's like, dude, it's like 7.30 in the morning, bro. I'm in his van early in the morning. We're on the way to a job site. Drinking coffee. I'm drinking a coffee, dude. It's just completely silent, dude. He merges onto the highway and just starts dropping the end bomb. He does? Like, hard R. Really? Like, no context whatsoever. He's like, move over it. And I did the same thing he did to me, dude. I just, straight face, was like-- That's why. No, because it was, dude, it was hands down. Like, the most awkward situation I've ever been in. That's why you'll never have a black friend. Second time meeting him. It's just end bombs. Just hard R, just end bombs on the highway. What you think would kind of be a little bit funny, but when you see it in real time, you're like, all right, I got to-- I mean, construction sites, I get it. Construction guys. No, we were on the highway. I know. But you're on your way to the job. Yeah, I mean, dude, it's like 7.30 in the morning. Like, you got a coffee. Like, you can't be doing that, man. Yeah. Yeah. Wait till the coffee hits. I get that that's how he warms up, but like, I can't be. Dude, that is insane. Yeah. It's, dude, it's so crazy, like, seeing a racist person. You know what I mean? Not like seeing them, but like-- Like seeing them in action, in action, in action. It's crazy, bro. I know. I consider myself, like, old school and shit like that, but like, real racism is a wild thing. Yeah, like, you make fun of, like, Puerto Ricans and shit, which is fine. Yeah. But like, hard R, dude, that's where I'm like, all right, I got to go home, dude. You know what I mean? My pod yesterday, I told them, I was like, you guys got to take all that out. Because you were dropping hard R's. I was dropping hard. No, I just-- [LAUGHTER] Fucking-- so you-- did you work a lot of construction jobs? Yeah. Dude, I had a construction job one time. I was roofing. Yeah. I did roofing. We did roofing and concrete, right? And the guy that owned the business was, like, really bad on heroin. Really? Yeah, like, the boss, the owner. He was your boss, yeah. He was my boss, yeah. And I hadn't done heroin yet at this point. But whenever we'd go to meet with him at his office, which was also his house in the morning, like, he would be like-- he'd be like-- he'd have, like, the worksheet in his hand. And he would just be like-- Yeah. And we'd be like, Bobby, Bobby. And then he'd perk up and go, oh, my, I. And we'd be like, yeah, dude, it's more than your eye. You got problems, right? And he'd tell us where to go. And we'd go, whatever, if we had to go do a piece of sidewalk, we'd do a piece of sidewalk, we had to go do a roof. So dude, we'd go do this job. And a dude, he explained-- what he explained to us was, like, way more than what we actually had to do. Like, we get there, we're like, look, we're like, oh, no, it's not that much work, right? We bang it out, and we're just chilling up there, right? We're just-- we're having, like, fucking sodas. It's like, are you ever see Shawshank Redemption? Yeah, but it's chilling, yeah. There's chilling drinking beers up on the roof like that's us. We're like that. And dude, all of a sudden, he just shows up on the-- he's just on the roof. Yeah. He's like, what are you guys doing? And we're like, oh, we're done. And he's like, oh, how long have you been done for? And we're like, oh, we just stopped. Yeah. We just stopped. And he's like, yeah. This is like supposed to take another couple hours. And we're like, yeah, we're going to clean up. I guess we could get out of here early. And dude, he takes a fucking, a full bucket of roofing nails and throws it off the roof. What? And he goes, go pick that up. I should-- that should be-- that should take up the rest of your day. Wow, what a dick, dude. Dude, this guy did things like this all the time. Like, he was a horrible-- Just the meanest heroin addict. He was a mean heroin addict, dude. Oh, man. I didn't know they had those. Yeah, no. A lot of times, I hope he needs to give you a crazy mood swing. Yeah. So dude, he used to like physically hit the foreman. Like, he would be like, come on, Rick, you fucking pussy. And he's like, hit him. Wow. And dude, we're doing a hot tar roof in the Bronx. You know what hot tar is? Yeah. It's like a kettle with the tar. You're going to let you inhale it, too. You get-- yeah, you inhale it, you get high. Makes the day go by quicker. And then they pump it up to the roof. And then you dip a mop in it and you like swing the mop. Oh, man. To get the tar on the roof. And then they lay like a gravel over it. And he's up there. He's high, bro. He's high. He's being a dick all day. He's like kicking our shit over, like drinking our waters. And it's like hot. And dude, he's like-- And he starts like nodding out again. And he's like, on the edge of the roof, right? He's just like nodding out like that. And Rick, the foreman goes, he goes, Derek, I'll give you $1,000 if you push him right now. I was like, what? He's like, dude, no one will know. He's on heroin. Just go push him. No one's going to know. No one's going to know. I didn't do it, though. I didn't do it. But dude-- $1,000 for murder, dude. For murder. It was crazy. What figure would you have done that at? Probably straight cash. 50k. It's all cash. I mean, dude-- Because you probably gave you some trauma, too, right? What, from him asking me to kill him? Like, when he was throwing the nails and shit, like, did you go to bed at night, like thinking about that? I do that. That was the most insane thing I'd ever been a part of. I mean, there's thousands of roofing nails in those buckets. Yeah. Have you ever seen them before? Yeah. It's just like a five-gallon bucket of roofing nails. It's such a tough job, though, dude. Yeah. And then to go down-- and dude, they had the parking lot like roped off. And I'm just walking around there with the magnet on wheels for hours, just picking up these fucking roofing nails. Bro, I literally-- they wouldn't let me-- so I worked with my friend who I played football with. His dad owned the company. And it was just us three. And he would bring me the job and shit. And I used to get mad because-- I wouldn't get mad, but I would get up sex. He would just tell me to, like, pick shit up. And I'd just be like, dude, can I do something? No, can I be like-- Oh, you're a golfer. Yeah, I was like his bitch, dude. Yeah, yeah. So I didn't know how to do anything else. And he was just like-- I remember one day, he was like, let me do something, dude. We had to take down a fucking ceiling, dude. And he hands me the saw. Like the saws on? He hands me a saws on. He's like, all right, I want you to cut this line. Like, if he's like, follow the line. Yeah. But it was on the ceiling. And you did a swastika. Dude, he didn't give me goggles. So I'm like, in the fuck-- Oh, no, dude. Dude, she rock insulation just all up in your eyeballs. Dude, like, pour some sugar on his plane. That's why you look like that right now, still. Yeah. You're still affected by it. Dude, I fucking went up there and I was fucking missing the line, dude. And like, all the shit's going in my eyes. I made it like four feet, and I was like, fuck this dude. [LAUGHTER] Dude, I've had some shitty jobs. I used to do-- I used to place brick on the high rises. Like, motorized scaffolding. You'd be up like 50 stories. You're not scared of heights or anything? I was on drugs while I was doing it, so-- Really? Yeah, it was good. I do, but it was bad. Like, I used to be a Ukrainian guy. I was my partner on the scaffold. Little like, casual yard about you. Like, dude, I was just on-- Yeah, I was just shooting dope. Like, dude, if I was high and I had to go, like, at least, like, 10 feet, I'd fucking shit my pants down. Nah, I'm just good shit. Dude, that same guy-- we were doing work on my mom's house. And he was like, yeah, I'm going to go dip. I'm going to go to another job site. He was like, I want you to take down all the siding on your house. And dude, I literally called my buddy, because I'm scared of heights. Yeah. I'm like, bro, I'll give you $40 to take this off. And you're like, all right, I'll be there. You paid your buddy. Yeah, who didn't know, like, correlation to the job at all. Just some random dude who wasn't scared of heights. Dude, I'd be-- so when you're on the motorized scaffolding, it's like there's a motor on each side, and you need to work in conjunction with the other guy. So he'd be like, all right, there was this Ukrainian, dude. I forget what the-- I think I'm like, I'm Drew Skierst and shit like that. He'd be like, OK, Dedic, we're going down. And then I'd be like, all right. And I'd hit the button to go down, and I'd nod out while we were doing it. So dude, he'd be like, Dedic, Dedic, I'd wake up, and we'd be like this. Like, fucking 40 floors up. You were on heroin? I'm on heroin. And you want to know the wildest thing about that job, dude, is that I was the only one on the crew that English was their first language. So whenever there was an issue, or we needed to talk to somebody in the building, or people who lived in the building, because while we're up there working, dude, we're working with cement. We're putting bricks in. And we tell people, keep your windows closed. Shit could fall in, something could happen. And these idiots would open their windows. Well, we would close their windows, and then we would screw them shut. And they would bug the fuck out. So then I'd have to go talk to them. And I'd be like, listen, man, we're almost done. Oh, my eye. And in your head, you weren't nervous at all. You were just like, fuck this. I didn't care, dude. I care about nothing. Damn, dude. Yeah. It's kind of sick, honestly. It was, yeah, it was pretty freeing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Those guys were kind of scary, though, dude. Construction guys just like, they got nothing to lose, man. You know? Yeah, dude. Whenever I always make way, like when I'm in the subway, I see like a union guy. Yeah. You know, he's got this fucking hard hat on. He's got his fucking number on. You know, dirt on the face. I fucking pay in proper respect. Yeah. God, his way. Give him my seat. I feel like a lot of them are kind of dicks, though. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And I feel like they have every right to be. You think so? Yeah, dude. The city is full of fucking flames, bro. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how to feel about it, man. The way you did it is good. You came out here to fucking this other planet that you live in. Took me fucking three hours to get here. Yeah, it's nice out here, though, dude, isn't it? Yeah, it's fucked. But like, just where I live, like in Greenwich Village, dude, this should I just hear walking down the street on like these people just-- Oh, you don't live in Brooklyn anymore? No, I moved. Really? Yeah. Why? I don't know, brother. You moved from Brooklyn to Greenwich Village? Yeah. That's like where the pair is-- East New York, which is still one of the worst neighborhoods in the city, to the East Village, and then from the East Village into Greenwich Village. Shit, dude. You even sleep at night? I could sleep. Yeah. I could sleep, but it is-- it's wild. Yeah. You ever be over there in Greenwich Village? Not much anymore, dude. No. The West Forest stop is right there. It's just hundreds of people with-- Yeah, it's fucking crazy, dude. With untreated mental health issues, dude. That whole strip is just insane. I would feel like they want to bother you if you walk through. I used to walk through all the time, dude. I remember I saw Tate Winston there once, and he walked right by me, dude. He didn't even notice me. Because you were one. [LAUGHTER] Dude, I remember. So Tate's like-- It was a funny-- he saw you at the club's dude. I just seem to do to look just like you, bro. It's fucking wild. Well, no, he was like so zoned out, because he knows how crazy people are around there. Insane. But, dude, it was one of the first weeks I moved here. And I've known Tate for like a while, dude. So I'm like standing on the block. And I see him walking by, and I'm like, I'm going to wait until he gets closer. He's like legit two feet in front of me. And I scream vagina at the top of my lungs, dude. And he didn't even flinch, dude. Not so everyone around me was just looking at me like, dude, what the fuck? You know what I mean? But honestly, no one even looked at me. But that's how crazy it is, because it's just like no one-- you could fucking stick a finger up your ass and just start jerking off. Like no one's going to-- No one's going to battle an eye. Yeah, I was going to flinch, yeah. Dude, like it's just walking down the street the other day. Someone's this butt naked laying in the road. Really? The car is backed up all the way to Sixth Avenue. Yeah. And they're like trying to go around them. I'm like, run that motherfucker over. Yeah, dude, I don't-- I can barely-- I mean, I don't mind it out here, man. Oh, out here is great. The only reason I don't mind it here is because I've been in Manhattan. And I'm like, dude, this is fucking insane. It's like, how can people live here? It's an insane asylum. I wouldn't have made it at all. Did I tell you somebody's shit on my door? Really? Did I tell you about this? On your doorstep or your door? So they literally, like, cocked over shit on the door and then the shit slid down. Wow. Yeah. Did you do something to him? I didn't catch him. Oh, this is all like-- I just saw the pile of shit and I saw the evidence of how he-- So you didn't see them do it, though? No. Someone definitely took a hit of crack. Yeah. Like a good-ass hit of crack and had to go. And they just fucking dropped their trowel and fucking-- I must have felt good, though. Oh, I probably did. Felt fucking-- probably great. Yeah. Yeah. I saw a woman do that in the park. Dude, she was like with her kid and like another woman. And there's public bathrooms. Is she just a regular person? Yeah. There's public bathrooms in the park. What park? A story at park. Dude, we're balling out. I'm just shooting around by myself. I used to go there late at night. Just kind of like getting my feels a little bit. Right. Put up a few jumpers. Yeah, yeah. And you can, like, watch the sunset. Yeah. So it's like pretty nice, dude. Yeah. So I'm like, what is this? It is a nice park. That's where Jared Waters does his show, right? Up in that park, right? Training day or some shit? I think it's a movie, right? It is a movie, yeah. Yeah, dude, I'm just shooting around. Dude, having a beautiful moment. And I just see this woman bent over just shitting in front of like a cargo port. Did you inspect what it looked like or no? I mean, it was impossible not to look. She was shitting right behind the hoop. Like ripping. And there was a small child next to her watching and another woman. And after they left, did you, like, inspect her now? Dude, everyone at the court was like, holy shit. It was more than-- It was just like an attractive woman, too. This was like an older Greek woman, like, pretty good looking. Wow. So like, imagine, dude, like, you don't even know girls poop. And then you see that, dude. You know what I mean? That's fucking crazy, bro. That's like every guy's dream. I think that's what every guy was thinking there. I mean, did she clean up after herself, at least? No, just left it. Just right up behind the hoop. Yeah, all of us were just hard, dude. [LAUGHTER] It was crazy, though. It was like one of the craziest things you've ever seen. Have you ever shit outside? No. Never. I mean, I still do, like, routinely. But it's because they won't let me go inside, dude. I used to have to-- when you're on the dope, sometimes you got to go. You go on your lawn? You go on the street in between cars or ever. Like, when you're on the dope and then, like, you-- when you're on heroin and you start to get sick, like-- you get, like, impacted while you're doing it, because the opiates suck the moisture out of your feces. OK. So, like, your bowel movements aren't regular. They get cut down on, like, once a week. But, like, when you start to withdraw a little bit, like, it loosens everything up. Yeah. And then, dude, you just got a 10-day turd. Fuck, man. Ready to wreck shop, bro. Yeah, dude. Just fuck. Do you even feel it? Hell, yeah. Really? Hell, yeah. But heroin made you kind of numb, though. No, but you're not on it. You need more. Oh, OK. Yeah, you're like-- when you're withdrawn. So it's when you're off it. So, dude, one time-- one time I was, like, right on the verge of withdrawing, we scored. But I was, like, I got-- like, this thing was common. Just plugging. I was, like, I got to fucking get this thing out of me. Like, I haven't shit in 12 days. This is bad, right? So I'm, like, we score, and I'm, like, fucking-- all right, I'm going to do this. So I, like, I fucking-- I juice my works up. I get it ready to go, right? And I go sit on the bowl. And, like, I start to, like, let this thing come out. Like, so, dude, once it starts to make its way out, like, once I got, like, a little more than a turtlehead pop, and I fucking shoot up. Yeah. I shoot up. Because, like, I could push without the pain, right? Dude, this thing came out of me. Like, you know how, like, a whale breaches the water? Yeah. Like, this thing was breaching. It was breaching a good four or five inches. OK. And all the way down the hole, and it was two different colors. It was dark brown and light brown. Oh, shit. And there was a ball at the end of it. Wow. Yeah. So it was, like, the shape of a dick. It's kind of, yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. Dude, shit and dicks, dude. I have-- I took a picture of it. You still have it on your phone? I still have it on my phone. Fuck yeah, dude. I'll show it to you before I leave. Sure, dude. Do you want to see it? No, not right. Dude, this thing will blow your mind. Yeah. And this was in-- this is in public. No, no, I shit in the bathroom. I'm in my buddy's place, yeah. But, bro, I was literally in there fighting for my life. Yeah. For about 35 minutes. Yeah. It was a steamer, dude. Yeah, I walked out. I was butt naked. Took my shirt off, took my pants completely off. Yeah. I was like, I have a buddy, dude. He was just, like, on a walk with his dog. He lives in, like, a suburban neighborhood. And he just took a shit in his neighbor's lawn. I'm like, dude, what the fuck? Like, no, doesn't live in the city. He lives in, like, the suburbs. I was just, like, yeah, I'm just going to-- Damn, did he, did he, like, wipe afterwards? No. Dude, you want all the crazy thing about that shit? What? I wiped nothing. Really? You were in the-- you had the opportunity to wipe. I wiped, yeah. There was a roll toilet paper. There was nothing there. Nothing. Oh, so you did wipe and there was nothing there? Yeah. Wow. That's how dry it was. Dude, I've had that experience before, too. And I'm just, like, damn, dude, you're fucking hallucinating right now. They call out, like, the phantom. Yeah. Or the-- or the ghost shit or something. Phantom of the opera, dude. Yeah. Dude, actually, it's kind of cool when you take a fucking mean one and there is nothing there. Yeah, if you're eating wicked healthy, dude, you can definitely accomplish that. Yeah. I want dude wipes to sponsor us. I fuck with dude wipes. I've used them once, man. It was pretty glorious. Yeah. Because, like, dude, you'll wipe your ass, dude, after shit, and, like, and then you'll do the dude wipes. And then you'll fart and you'll be, like, wow, dude, like-- I'm not, like, burning my fucking eyebrows off. You know what I mean? Like, dude, I fucking farted last night when I went to take out my dog. And I farted as I was opening the door. Yeah. And, dude, when I was outside, dude, and I could smell it, I was like, dude, if anyone smelled that right now. They'd be done with you. They would kill themselves. Like, so it was like, as soon as it came out of your ass, you smell fit. That's how, dude, I farted one time so bad in the work truck. Yeah. And the dude I was working with smelted before I did. The fart wasn't even all the way out of my ass yet. Yeah. And he was like, oh, oh. Bro, you know those farts that smell like burnt hot dogs? Yeah. It was like one of those. It's just so hot. It feels like it's, like, melting the fucking earth, dude. You can imagine what your stomach's going through. Dude, I can't even imagine, dude. That's-- Because I've been eating, like, fucking sandwiches, dude. Yeah, sandwiches make you fucking-- Like, I've been eating, like, an American hero at lunch. And then I'll put salt and vinegar chips in this sandwich with mayonnaise, dude. Dude, I imagine. And then I'll drink, like, three coffees. Ooh. Damn, brother. Damn coffee farts, bro. Oh, my God. It's crazy. The other day, I was hosting, like, back-to-back shows, right? Yeah. And I had to fart for a while. And, like, there's just all people around and the fucking-- Yeah. You know, all the bathrooms are packed with, like, fucking audience members. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I got to fucking let this thing out. Like, I was just building up. And I went in the kitchen. And I just fucking-- It's the worst place to get a rip. People are working in there. Dude, someone was like, yo, what the fuck is that, dude? Who fucking did that? Yeah. I was like, yeah, that's nasty, bro. Whatever it did, that's disgusting. Oh, dude, one time-- no, go ahead, sorry. No, I was like, the food was ruined. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, why would you do that in the kitchen? I don't care, bro. They disrespect you? Yeah, I felt disrespected, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I'm working a shift here. Can you use the fucking bathroom? Oh, man. It's insane. One time I worked at-- I used to work at Bank of America, dude. We'd have, like, 30-minute lunches. And I was-- You worked at Bank of America? Yeah, right out of college. What did you do? Dude, they just-- it was right out of college. And you had to pass these, like, tests and shit. It was for a call center job. So I'm at, like, Bank of America headquarters, dude. And I'm at lunch. You only have 30 minutes, so you got to eat quick, or whatever. So I'm sitting with this chick, and then another dude who's, like, retarded, just like me. And we're sitting down eating. And this dude-- I've never talked to this chick before. I've talked to the guy before. And we're just eating, dude. And this guy just goes, bro, it smells like fucking pussy. And I'm, like, dude. I'm, like, dude, there's a chick right there. That was guy who was severely autistic. She was wearing a dress, too. Yeah. I'm, like, dude, come on. Did he smell her post for real? Dude, so I just keep eating. I kind of ignore him a little bit, like, a few minutes pass. And he starts to get, like, irritated. He's, like, bro. And then you're, like, you don't want dude, you're right. Bro, he's, like, dude, it smells, like, fucking pussy, dude. What's she doing? And she's, like, blushing and shit. I'm, like, dude, this is the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever been in my life. Her pH was off. And, dude, then, like, I realized, like, she was eating, like, hadic. Oh, the whole time. But, dude, she was wearing a dress. So, he thought it was just wafting out of her. He kept telling me, dude, I'm, like, bro, like, this is, this is uncomfortable. Dude, autistic dudes are wild, bro. I used to work in my buddy's pizzeria. I don't think he was autistic, but he was definitely-- So, I worked there. I would, like, do deliveries, help answer phones. He was, like, doing me a favor. Like, I just got out of jail. And he had this autistic kid who would also do deliveries. And both of those two brothers, they were both fucking jacked guineas, like, fucking Jersey Shore Waps, right? Vinny and Carmine. Like, and Carmine, he'd have, like, hot girlfriends, right? Yeah. And the girls would always come and they'd hang out, like, eat pizza or whatever. It was, like, the place to be for some people. And Carmine's girls there, and the autistic kid is back in the back smoking cigarette. And she's, like, hey, do you have an extra cigarette? And he's, like, oh, yeah, sure, here, here you go. He goes, you know what they say about girls who smoke, right? And she goes, no, what? He goes, they also suck dick. Says that to her, dude. And she just runs and fucking tells fucking Carmine. And Carmine comes out, just fucking ready to fucking beat the shit out of this autistic kid. And I'm like, oh, Carmine, fucking. He don't know no better. [LAUGHTER] Leave him be, dude. It was fucking wild. Plus, Carmine was, like, the scariest, like, juice head wap I'd ever seen. His dude, he was fucking jacked. I mean, it was insane. And he had a lazy eye. And it was just, yeah. So his hair would be all slicked back. And he'd come out there with a lazy eye. Aren't you kind of surprised? Do you haven't gotten, like, fall yet for saying something like that, though? I don't really-- At least back in the day, because, dude, I feel like I could have gotten my ass kicked, like, many times. Yeah, I didn't really get down like that. Like, if we were boys, and we were chilling, and we were saying stuff, like, call me on. I mean, it's happened to me a few times. But I remember, dude, like, one of the first times I ever did, like, a comedy show. It was in Rhode Island, like, by the beaches. And that's where they-- that's where all, like, the fishing docks aren't shit. So they have a show at this, like, location. I think it's called, like, The Wheelhouse. Yeah. So I get out of my mom's Honda Accord, and it just smells, like, straight up fucking fish. Like, dude at fucking Burns, or, oh, dude at Burns, or eyebrows off. You were like, hello, ladies. Yeah, I was like, the king is here, baby. So I show up to the show, and they're like, all right, green rooms in the back, and I see these comics, and they're all with their girlfriends. And I just walk in. I'm like, yo, it smells like fucking pussy. [LAUGHTER] And none of them laughed, dude. This one guy was like, dude, I don't know what type of pussy you're getting. Oh, what a dick. That guy's a dick, bro. Yeah, so I was like, oh, these guys are fucking dicks. That's hilarious. See, that I want to get mad at. And then they all-- they all bombed, dude. I fucking crushed it. And you crushed it. So it shows you where they're heading around. I have a fucking sense of humor. Fuck in. And dude, everyone knows it's fucking fish. You're having a goof. Yeah, I mean, dude, if somebody walks into a green room and says it smells like pussy, that's fucking funny. Me, if my girl-- if I was there, my girls would literally both would have died laughing. Yeah, I yelled at two. Yo, what's up, boys? Smells like fucking pussy. That's great. Yeah, that's like the best thing you can say. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I've never met any of them in my life. Now it was the first time, yeah. First time, yeah. Where are they now, dude? They should have followed me, dude. I've had, dude, yeah. Wasn't another crazy fucking job I had. Dude, you know what I used to do? Like, when we'd work at, like, real fucking nice places in, like, Bergen County, Jersey, where everybody's rich. Is it nice over there? It's beautiful, really. It's like up there with, like, Beverly Hills and all that. I think I went to Walmart over there. Actually, you know, I went to Chicago's. Is that what it's called? Yeah, Chicago's. I know Chicago's. Sure is nice, dude. Chicago's was? The Walmart there, yeah. Bro, they had fucking-- all the clothing was, like, hung up. They had, like, they had models there. Thrown on the floor? Like, you know how you see, like, an Abercrombie model with, like, a fucking quarter chub and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, like, that. But Walmart-- Yeah, out of here. --is place Fox, dude. Yeah, they were taking it seriously, man. Yeah, it was just, like, some dude in, like, a fucking, you know, fruit of the loom shirt. There's no Walmart's in Bergen County. It's the caucus, yeah. It's caucus, yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. This-- Bergen County would be, like, it's all just sex with avenues. Really? Yeah, it's just rich like that. Damn. So, like, these people would have, like, ornamental metal all over their houses, like copper. And a lot of times we would do work in the people. They'd be, like, all these people are not going to be back here for three months. They're, like, living in Italy right now. And then I would just rip all the copper off of their house. Like, I'd go back in the evening, yeah. Shit. And just tear it all apart. Dude, there was a point in time where I was working construction. And, like, we were painting a house, like, a really wealthy person's house. And my boss was, like, yeah, like, I need you to paint, like, the front of the house, like, this green color. And, dude, I fucking took the green paint, and I painted the garage door green. And, like, I remember on the ride home, he, like, he just, like, solemnly was, like, dude, yeah, we're not going to need you for this job, man. Fired, bro. He was, like, trying to, like, hold it in. Like, dude, he was so mad when you were just, like, yeah, man, like, we're good. Like, we don't need you for this. Yeah. It was done. Never worked with him again. It was just that job. Just that job. Took, like, fucking three weeks, dude. I guess the lady was crying and shit. And then the storm came, dude, and, like, washed all the pain away. [LAUGHS] Oh, my god. Yeah. Dude, you've had some fucking wild ones, bro. Yeah. You've got some life experience. Well, dude, construction's, like, hilarious, though. It is a funny fucking thing. Because someone's giving you, like, an initial deposit, and they're, like, all right, I'm trusting you with this. And, dude, and the thing with construction is, like, a guy'll come. He'll do, like, an estimate, like, bid it. But, like, yeah, we'll be out here, like, four months. Yeah. And he's there for, like, two years. Two years, yeah, dude. It always goes that way. Yeah, and he's like, oh, you know, I didn't know it was going to be like this when we opened the wall up. Yeah, they always have, like, a fucking excuse. Is this people living with, like, plastic and drop cloths, like, throughout their house for, like, years? Just pissed. Just upset. Yeah. Tommy, you said this was going to only be four months? And they'll, like, blatantly fuck you over, too. Yeah. They'll get to, like, know your family, dude. They'll buy you fucking Portuguese pizza and shit. And then, like, next thing you know, your fucking roof is, like, flying off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, dude. This fucking Portuguese family, they moved down the road when I was younger. And they, like, the dude, like, owned his own construction company, which was just, like, him and his fucking dad, who's, like, 90. They were doing, like, bricks. His dad would, like, just sit on the roof and smoke, like, Marlboro Reds. All day. And we were, like, he's going to pass away, like, any day now. Still alive now. Bro, they did a roof. No joke. The first storm, all the shingles fucking flew off. Get out of here. Yeah. Fucking literally, dude, put a hole in our kitchen ceiling. That's why you need Mexicans, dude. They don't-- they fucking hand nail everything. They don't fucking round. They don't fuck around, dude. 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