The Johnny Salami Podcast
Mike Recine
Think I took a shit my neighbor's lawn Well I saw you baddie And I think you baddie Why did you leave me here? Goodbye If you're not Oh, well I've hurt him Oh baby, it's not a lie And I think of you and Brian And I tell you what to call I bring back my lawn Yeah, I'm more of a cold brew guy Really? Where'd you go? That Arabic place on the story of all of us Oh really? It was not good? Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good I was like right off the bus stop kind of Right off the train station Fuck it Did they understand you when you ordered? I think so I said this one Yeah, some of them do It's almost like you're speaking Fucking Latin, dude It's crazy You can't have to respect it What is that place? It's open like 24/7 It's like Paris Boner or some shit like that Paris baguette? Yeah Paris Boner It's supposed to be like a fucking restaurant Or something like a fancy Is it supposed to be fancy? Or is it like the McDonald's? I don't know, there's one across the street From my house actually And I'm not, I don't love it Yeah Their pastries are kind of whatever I'm a little bit of a fan I'm kind of a pastry bitch Yeah Yeah You ever let them know? I'm a little Pasty boy Yeah Yeah Yeah You ever let them know? I'm not a big fan of their sweet treats I went over there and got a slice of cake last year And I said this is not up to my standards Yeah They're open like 24/7, right? I think they're open pretty late Yeah, I don't know why You ever go there late in the night? Someone's like I should Someone's like I need a chocolate croissant Right now But nothing's open late anymore Yeah, that's true man You know? No diners or anything There's no diners Well hop closes at 10pm You have to Google like New York City 24 hour spots Yeah, and then it's just like a bunch of like Asian massage parlors Yeah Right It just comes up with like rub maps And you're like, are there any snacks back then? Sometimes they got good stuff Yeah One of my buddies from my hometown He had never used rub maps before dude Okay So he looks up rub maps and he finds like he sees all of them What is that app that tells you? Yeah, where like the Asians are at I miss my window on that I can't do it now Oh, so you had to go out and like venture off and just kind of figure it out? No, I've never really like That seems like a thing a lot of guys do I never really did it Yeah, it's not a proud moment Sure But you gotta do it at least once Right My buddy's wicked gullible though, dude, so yeah It's not proud when you're getting a hand job from one who came here in a box Yeah, that's right You're just like funding human trafficking You're making me self-conscious I'm like, I guess This guy's got some kind of nerd Yeah, no dude You're definitely better off not going Yeah If you, I don't know how you would feel afterwards Right You know, that would be tough if you like committed suicide Because they kind of have to offer it to you, right? Yeah Yeah But dude, my buddy, yeah He saw like, so you go on rub maps.com And it's just like a list of Asian massage parlors But sometimes there's like false advertisements You know, so like he clicked on one It was like, fuck my little Asian pussy or whatever And he clicks on it, finds the address And he ends up going to the address It was just someone's house, dude And then what happened? Dude, it was right next to a McDonald's on the main road Yeah He pulled in the driveway It was like one of the psychic reading houses That you see in the suburbs Just like, where you're like, does anyone go there? He said it was like the widest family Someone knocking on the door at 10 p.m. At a little house You're like, can you read my palm? Well dude, the people who live there are probably so sick of it There's probably just dudes coming there all the time Right, right Yeah You gotta turn the TV off Yeah It was like, dinnertime Why it was come during dinnertime Yeah, what would you... You know, he was trying to get japped off He like, show him the ad, like they're a telemarketer You're like, is there like a secret password or something? Yeah, yeah And there's a Japanese family that lives next door And they're like, you have a wrong house Yeah, dude, Japanese is like... You ever watched like World War II docs or anything? Yeah, a little bit, not recently But I watched Ken Burns the War That was good Really? Yeah, Ken Burns is like a fucking effect No joke, it's like an editing effect We like zoom in on someone Right You think it was named after him? Yeah, was he the first one to do that? I don't know, you think that's... That's a good... Because that's easy, because you just take the picture and then you just zoom in on it Yeah, but who is Ken Burns, though? I don't even know who that is Oh, he does a bunch of documentaries about American history They're all like, yeah, seven parts It's funny, because he did the war, which is about World War II That's probably like a five-part documentary And then he does the Civil War, he did prohibition But then he'll do other ones on like candy, you know? Does he spice it up a little bit? I think so, yeah He'll make stuff that you don't expect Yeah, yeah I got more minor stuff in American history So you're like emotionally invested? Yeah, you're sitting down for the whole thing Yeah, it's like Ken Burns chairs Yeah, and then you, yeah I was watching, I want to start crying You ever watched Tom Hanks? Like his World War II shit? No It's fucking hilarious, dude, it's like He has like this thing that's the Pacific? Yeah And like, there's like six different scenes where dudes will go take a shit And they won't say like the magic word And they'll just die What did they use to call them? Fucking yellow monkeys or something like that? Yeah, I think so It's been a while since I went to community college, but Yeah, you know, I haven't been to a It's a documentary Well, I didn't know what that was initially, but Yeah, these dudes, like They called them yellow monkeys But yeah, these dudes are just like go take a shit There was like, I swear to God, there was like three different scenes They were American soldiers Is it fiction or a documentary? It's like a documentary Oh, no, it's fiction, well, I mean, it's not fiction, but it's like It's a documentary, but they have like Dramatic scenes and shit Okay, you know, like reenactments Yeah, it's kind of like So yeah, I don't know what you're talking about at all So it would show like the American soldiers Okay, right, they like leave their families Like it's all emotional and stuff And then they'll just be like huddled up Wait, let me try to piece together what you just told me, okay? So there's a Tom Hanks World War II movie And it's like a series It's like a series I'm gonna relate to brothers, but like yeah, yeah, yeah And then so they go to take a shit But they don't say the magic word And then what the yellow monkeys So you know what, so wait, they're not saying the magic word when they shit I guess when you would take a shit Yeah, you would have to say the magic word Mm-hmm Okay And like these dudes would go To take like massive shit Yeah, okay, and they would be shitting Yeah Okay The American soldiers The American soldiers Yeah And then the other American soldiers would hear shit in the woods And just start fucking blindfiring Oh, okay Oh, wow Okay So these dudes would just pass away taking a shit Yeah Now what was now, but saying the magic So you got to say the magic word before you shit So they would give you a chance But then doesn't that reveal yourself to the enemy? No, I guess like if they heard something they would kind of like give you a chance To say the magic word Who the fuck is it? And then if you didn't know the magic word Yeah Okay You just get shot up dude Wow Yeah I don't know how accurate that was Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Wow You should watch it man You should teach a class there (laughter) I don't know, this is like a history podcast Yeah, like today we're going to talk about yellow monkeys Yeah (laughter) And then where did the yellow monkeys come in? (laughter) I just thought that was so fucking funny dude Mm-hmm Cause it's like dude a match Go on a wall But do you have to say the magic word the whole time you're shitting? I think just once And they're like alright, alright, good world Banana banana banana (laughter) Just making shit up And now if you said the magic word the Japanese guys wouldn't shoot you? No, the American soldiers wouldn't shoot you They wouldn't shoot, okay So the American soldiers like if they heard shit in the woods Oh I see, I see You know, yeah I don't remember what the magic word was though Cause a lot of those dudes passed away Right Which kind of fucked up man Cause it's like how do you tell the family, you know Right You'd be like Jeff was a fucking great soldier (laughter) He really just made one mistake (laughter) Like you forgot to say raspberry (laughter) We'd pull it 'em up (laughter) Could have happened to anybody Yeah Cause I don't think they would like disclose that That would definitely Mm-hmm I mean if I was the parents I would want full disclosure Yeah, they would like some crazy Japanese guy killed him Yeah, I would want to know exactly what went down I would not, yeah Yeah, I want like all the details You're like did he die honorably? He can't say like He had his pants around his ankles (laughter) Now if somebody dies taking a shit you have to wipe their ass Before you send their body home to their family Especially, yeah You just leave the skid mark Yeah (laughter) I mean if you and I were at war together I think I would wipe your ass before you set your body home Dude I think I would just want the skid mark to stay Mm-hmm Yeah Cause every year you buy Yeah, people will be like oh that makes sense Yeah Like he went out how he would want to Yeah, he folded up and give it to my son (laughter) Your dad's last Hang on hanging on the wall Yeah That'll be fucking sick I realized recently that I don't know how to wipe my son's ass He's three and he just started pooping on the toilet Yeah And it's like you can't, it's hard to get behind where the poop is Yeah When he's sitting on the toilet Is that a normal age to start taking dumps on the toilet? Yeah I just started like two weeks ago You did, yeah Yeah Where you doing before that? You just diapers Yeah Okay Yeah I used to take mean shits when I was younger Have you thought about ever wearing a diaper? Is there any situation where you're like let's go, let's do a diaper Think about it everyday man Yeah I just feel like it would be so much easier So much easier Yeah I just pee a lot though So I just feel like I would need like, I would need to be sponsored by like a, like a diaper company or something Like Huggies or some shit Yeah Yeah Yeah But I don't know if they got anything going Yeah yeah yeah Yeah you don't want some teenagers to pull your pants down on this train And you're wearing like women's adult diapers in their pink Yeah It'd be the worst day of your life I think about that a lot though and like you ever think about like men's thongs? Yeah No No but they should It's so much, I mean there's a whole world I'm missing out Yeah, these are just theories man, I don't think anyone would ever Okay Apply them but you never thought about that like in the hot summer What? We're in like a men's thong? No What is the benefit of? I just feel like you get a little more air down there Yeah but girls only do it to be, to be worse Apparently Yeah Why do girls do it? Is it to get more air? I don't even know Have to ask one Yeah Go back to that coffee place dude Yeah Yeah That'd be fun if you have to wear a hijab but you have like the sluddiest The sluddiest underwear Yeah like a G string Yeah yeah yeah Like terrorist quotes on it With terrorist quotes? Yeah There was a dude uh What would be the terrorist quote? I don't know dude, maybe uh I can't, I'll get killed if I say it right? Yeah If you say their name in vain, what's that dude's name? They draw them down in Texas right? Yeah Yeah Well it's funny was they had like a drama Muhammad contest in Texas And then they were like yeah we're gonna, cause it's freedom And then someone came in and shot it But I think that guy was a fed Because he had a text on his phone and somebody's texting him like Go ahead and tear up Texas Oh man But it's funny it's like God you can't even have a drama Muhammad contest anymore Without some Can't even have a little bit of fun man Yeah That would be crazy Excuse me If you had like a G string that said like Muhammad lives here Like right on the pussy Yeah Someone fucking Someone fucking nukes your house You get a G string, there's a picture of Muhammad Like a south park? Yeah Someone blows up your garage like two in the afternoon Like what the fuck? Uh Yeah we had a kid who uh Who lived across the way for me when I was younger He was uh he was Hispanic Yeah They were playing soccer one day dude And I kicked the ball in the corner And you went to go get it and you fell over dude Yeah And his pants fell down Yeah He was wearing a woman's thaw He was Yeah That's not good That's really good You swear to God? Yep, me and my friend were like Do we gotta go? Like we gotta go home And then what happened? Just never talk to him again You never talk to him again Yeah But if I could go back I would have definitely been like Hey listen man like It's not a bad idea honestly Yeah Cause he was fucking tearing it up At soccer? Yeah Could have been Why? Yeah Yeah Those guys they're good Yeah I saw a youtube comment when somebody said Soccer is a poor person's country Cause you can give it a ball to a kid And they'll kick it around for hours Yeah But I'm sure some of those guys are really good Dude you know what I want to get on the grass with them? You seem like a well culture dude though Like I get maybe I don't know Yeah You can like put the pieces together a little bit I think so Yeah I'm still working on it a little bit You know Like I don't mean to be offensive but like Really? Even the neighbors upstairs Yeah I was referring to them as My Spanish neighbors Uh huh They're like What's wrong? Did they hear you do it? They're Hispanic but I just Hispanic yeah Cause people will come on the podcast And they'll be like Can we do like two o'clock? And I'm like I'll try but I have Spanish neighbors Uh huh You know what I mean? And they don't let you podcast? Well they vacuum a lot Do they? Yeah Okay I don't know if that's offensive or not But someone told me it is How is it? Yeah how is that? I think they just vacuum for too long You know and they'll play like gasoline and stuff While they're doing it Yeah yeah yeah Right Right Yeah They have like a quince and yera every day Yeah Yeah I heard the difference between, you know the difference between Hispanic and Latino? So Hispanic, I mean who cares? But Spanish is like Spanish speaking countries And Latino is like Latin America I watched a YouTube video on that years ago Yeah and Latin, I guess it's good that I know Latin America is what like Peru and shit? Yeah I hope that's right dude Everything like below Mexico I think Yeah It's just like a bunch of islands right? No it's like Central American and stuff And then a big continent But there are some, yeah there are some islands Yeah Fuck man Those white guys are kind of like coming back in comedy a little bit I feel like White guys? Yeah What about like Puerto Ricans? I've always seen many Puerto Ricans lately Puerto Ricans standups? Just in general Yeah I haven't, that doesn't mean they're not there Thanks You don't see it You think they're like hibernating or something? Maybe they're hibernating Yeah Although it is summer Mmhmm Yeah I just feel like you used to see Puerto Rican dudes all the time and you just be like yeah don't fuck with that guy Mmhmm It's immediately like the first Mmhmm Yeah I wish I hadn't seen him that often though I think it's yeah I think it's been a while They're cracking down or something They're cracking down Yeah The Latina women are so beautiful though They are crazy man Yeah they are You Italian? Yeah What are Italian women like? They're pretty attractive There's like very nurturing and shit Yeah yeah if they're your mother Yeah They'll give you a lot of love That's pretty cool Dude I heard around you They'll change your diaper until you're at 30? Yeah Dude are you uh Are you from here? From New York? I'm from Jersey Really? Yeah Cause I heard a rat like where I am right now I heard it used to be like Predominantly Italians and then the Greeks kind of came in Mmhmm Do you guys have like a beef? Um well we leave as soon as like a minority shows up We go to the suburbs We're like oh my gosh What the hell's happening? What happened to the neighborhood You guys don't even put up a fight We don't put up a fight No fucking cowards Fuck man I don't even know that dude Yeah we all go out to like Long Island or Jersey or whatever But my family was always in Jersey but Yeah I think they Italians leave pretty quick Cause we want to be the top of I mean We're like the bottom of white people So we want to be like the top of The food chain? Brown people Yeah So that's why we're the most racist Cause we go what's happening? This used to be a neighborhood Full of white people like us Yeah you guys got your own thing going Yeah I went to Long Island for the first time a few weeks ago Okay How was that? Was it like Governor's? Where from? Rhode Island? Okay I went to a like Governor's Comedy Club though Yeah I've never seen people like that in my life Right Just like their own breed of People It's like it's wild Yeah and it's like It's fun to perform there But they're also kind of weirdly sensitive about stuff Yeah Like if you do like an abortion joke They go "Hold on a second" Hey you can't talk like that Yeah You can't talk about Jesus like that I feel like they got like their own like kind of accent right? Yeah maybe Yeah I don't spend a lot of time in Long Island but I know I know what you mean when you're like Yeah this is like different It's like a culture shock dude I was like "Yeah Yeah who are these people?" Yeah You know And there's comics that kind of just play in Long Island They'll just play Long Island or just play Jersey They perform out there Yeah they have like a lot They have like a back room dude and it's literally just like These like six year old dudes with like a fucking skull caps on Yeah Yeah And you go "What are you gonna?" What are you gonna like? What are you gonna not like? It's a crapshoot, you never know Yeah Yeah What did I say? Oh I said I made a joke about like 9/11 one time I got some people up in But I was up in Pelham in the Bronx And they got very upset Really Yeah they were like "That was tasteless" In the Bronx? Yeah but it's like above kind of like near I don't know where Pelham is But it's like working class kind of white There's probably a lot of firefighters It's like a rich area It's like more it's like white working class kind of Yeah So they probably knew people You think if you told that in like the central Bronx Like in the hood If you told like a hardcore 9/11 joke I don't feel like they'd fuck with that Yeah I don't know I mean there's only one way to find out Yeah yeah Yeah Just tell everyone you're like jerking off to like 9/11 highlight tapes and shit Yeah yeah yeah I think they would like that Yeah 9/11 had that This guy's crazy Yeah 9/11 jokes have been around for so long man They just keep going Yeah That's how we used to make each other laugh during like a lunch Yeah There's 9/11 jokes and stuff Yeah you know I mean we all you know we'd live through it Yeah I mean I was like 5 You were? Yeah Okay I took a shit on my neighbor's lawn During 9/11 What? I was like I was 5 Uh huh Yeah it was naked and I just took a shit Oh but he wasn't like Muslim or anything Was I don't know You never know what those guys mean But you weren't doing it as like for a bit No his whole family was watching it on TV And they were like crying and stuff Yeah But they had like this big window out front I just ran over Yeah Took a massive shit Okay And I just can't even imagine like what they were going through Why didn't you shit in your own ass? I was 5 I didn't I think it was like my first time without diapers When you were 5? Yep Wow Took a while man That's a long yeah That's why I asked I was like his 3 Cause your son's probably crushing it Yeah I think so He's doing well Has he shit his pants yet? Uh no Really? No he pissed himself one time on the street But it's just like whatever It's fine It's whatever Cause I was walking the dog And the dog started peeing And then he started peeing Wow Yeah He's going to have like a telepathic relationship Or something Yeah It'd be fucking sick They're like Stewie and Brian From Family Guy Watch Family Guy Yeah It's hilarious He's fucking sick dude Yeah it's sick Yeah man So he's not even in school yet Uh he goes to preschool That's 3? Yeah He's in the Brooklyn preschool of science Yeah It's pretty sick man I guess they teach him about like science That's wild They teach him about uh hormones Cause dude I didn't even go to preschool Tells like 5 I think Really? Yeah Okay So what were you doing between 2 and 5? You're just wearing diapers Just living Just living yeah Shit on people's lawns and shit Uh huh You know? Yeah Schools are different around here though Mmhmm Yeah They're like locked up and stuff Yeah Where I'm from You could fucking drive Those people have driven through schools Like where I'm from Through the building? Yeah Okay Cause they're big Is that true? Yeah There's a high school near me uh near my hometown Lincoln High School Mmhmm This dude uh like drove through the building He made it like half way half way in And I think that's when the car shut down Okay But his intent was to like make it all the way through Yeah So Yeah But like here that wouldn't work Cause they got it like all like locked up Fenced Yeah Yeah Maybe you can drive like your Honda Fit through a school You and your you and your uh husband Wouldn't uh Cause it's just New York and we're liberal Was uh when you drive your e-bike through a school I mean I got the membership dude I got the city bike Oh yeah You like it? No It's a little pricey right? Very pricey dude Yeah You gotta pay like the annual membership and then you gotta pay every time you use it Yeah yeah yeah It's like what the fuck is this dude? And the regular city bikes are trash Yeah it's like dude I'm not trying to have a fucking heart attack That's how I feel every time I ride the city Good I thought it was just me I thought it was the vaccine or something It might be Messing with me yeah Yeah You get uh Johnson and Johnson No I got uh yeah Yeah I feel that way something I'm not like a conspiracy guy or anything but Uh huh You ever feel a little off and you're like it's the vaccine No I like like yeah I do feel off all the time and I have I've been having some problems My memories a little messed up and I uh I can't get my wife pregnant Um and and I haven't been like I've been like maybe it's having COVID like four times But now I'm like yeah maybe it is the vaccine It's a vaccine man Yeah Dude I feel good to say that Because other guys believe that so that's how you can make friends Yes That's the cure man Yeah He's letting it out Yeah you know Yeah On like a playground Right to the other fathers You're like I bet it's the vaccine that's fucking up my dick Hey Stan Stan Levine Did you get the vaccine uh before after? I had it um after I had it Damn Yeah Which doesn't make sense Yeah it doesn't but everybody was saying to get it Yeah who no I just fucking got it dude I just got it yeah I was like I hope this fucking murders me dude You know Yeah they were like you might you know They were like wait around for like 20 minutes I just dipped I was like let's fucking Yeah You know You got on a city bike Yeah You got on an e-bike and just try to drive their mental Some people will die out there on those on those electric ones I know cause you can get like you can get up to like 15 20 miles an hour Yeah Yeah a friend of mine uh passed away On an electric city bike Jesus man I think it was a yeah I think it was an e-bike I don't know if it was a city bike or not but uh Was that the kid from Brooklyn? Yeah Kenny The comedian? Yeah Damn dude Yeah they uh I saw some kids I still don't wear a helmet too when I... Yeah Yeah That's the way to go though man You think that's the way to go though like or do you think you should start carrying around a helmet? I don't want to be a vegetable for weeks Yeah Yeah You ever ridden like a motorcycle or anything? No Yeah I mean either I think about trying sometimes Like if I wanted to go out just hop on one not knowing how to work it Yeah I mean how hard could it be? I'm sure you get the hang of it it's like a jet ski you know I mean you figure it out Yeah dude Yeah So do you hop on the manual city bikes or the electric ones? Sometimes but usually I'll take an electric one Yeah I saw a fat kid fall on one of those Okay In front of a bunch of hot chicks outside of NYU Oh yeah Any straight face just got up and rode away Okay I mean if that happened to me dude I fucking literally kill myself And you tell the girls that you're going on to kill yourself (laughter) I know you ladies saw that I'm gonna kill myself (laughter) Yeah I would immediately walk down I'm humiliated Yeah That's crazy man to just keep a straight face and just walk that off The stuff that happened Getting humiliated in front of girls is the fucking worst When I was in middle school I would sit down at my seat And this kid would like punch me in the arm before class Yeah And there were these three girls that sat in front of us And then and I remember one of the girls being like Andrew how hard you hit him he looks like he's gonna cry (laughter) And I really like every once in a while I just think about that kid And how bad I want to kill him If you could go back do you think you'd throw hands? He was like bigger than me but I think I would like bring a belt to school And like wrap it around his neck Oh shit After class started Yeah I'd get up and I'd take the belt and I'd sneak up behind him Sneak up behind him like look at your coos (laughter) Yeah Would you say anything like would you whisper in his ear? Yeah what should I say? I don't know I haven't talked about it I'm gay (laughter) Hey buddy (laughter) I'm gay (laughter) He's like so confused (laughter) He's turning blue but he's also doesn't know what's happening (laughter) (laughter) And I wouldn't kill him obviously but I would just let him think that I was You gotta let him think you're, you gotta make your enemies think you're crazy I think Yeah If I, that's a good boy at all, dude there was like a, there's a Puerto Rican kid one of my Spanish classes You got, you don't seem like a guy who got bullied All the time Bad Yeah He's actually like emotionally but physically dude like in middle school this kid, dude this kid smacked me in the face once Brutal isn't it? Yeah this kid go birdo dude Go birdo? Yeah I think he was Puerto Rican He could have been Puerto Rican That's funny This kid fucked me and his name was Diego He fucked you? No he fucked me (laughter) Yeah (laughter) No he didn't fuck me (laughter) The interview's over (laughter) Look at that laddie That would have been sick dude if a dude named Diego fucked you Why? That should be a sick story Yeah He just casually (laughter) Alright he fucked me (laughter) Yeah this kid in Spanish class dude straight up man just smacked me in the face And I didn't do any class I didn't do anything dude Yeah There was like a few girls around They were like wow Oh my god They were like kind of wet Like yo birdo I'm so wet (laughter) One of them was your girlfriend (laughter) Just flash flood warnings man Yeah From go birdo obviously but Yeah If I could go back I would just throw like the hardest haymaker Probably miss I probably fucking punched the next one You probably miss but at least see they say when you go to prison Yeah Right (laughter) So if you ever find yourself in prison And they try to fuck with you You have to at least fight back They like they might kick your ass Yeah But they'll know that like you're not good You're gonna fight back a little bit so they'll find somebody who's like gay They're than you to bully Take their cookies Take their sweets or whatever Yeah They know if you don't fight back They can just keep fucking with you They can keep fucking with you So you have to Yeah So I think that's good You have to just fight back a little bit That would have been cool if I like Got up and like knocked out the kid next to me (laughter) Just like send a message Yeah yeah You hit the teacher But I think about that because Yeah like middle school boys or so Ruthless Ruthless But they're all just little like They're all just little queers Yeah they're not having to impress everybody They're not actually gonna do anything No They're just in it for like the You know Just the What is that called? Like dopamine or whatever Yeah the dopamine rush Yeah But they'll say shit that like really hurts Like they're way of getting a boner Yeah Cause a lot of them are like closeted homosexuals Right Right (laughter) But I feel like a lot of the online comments Got to be like Middle school kids You think that's like their porn hub? Yeah Just to fuck with grown men stand up clips When I do stand up my wife Yeah Some dudes like type and Wally jerks off He's like you fucking pussy Yeah yeah Yeah I can see that for sure The internet's great You read comments On the internet You know every once in a while I'll see one Yeah But Yeah I just hope I can give my kid the tools to You know I just don't want my kid to get fucked with By a dude named Diego By a dude named Diego Especially like to get fucked with by a Puerto Rican It's like dude at least like get their respect Yeah yeah yeah right Right right Hopefully you can be friends with a few of them Yeah That was like a dream because Because they're not They're going to be Yeah You're not going to beat them Honestly I'm going to be honest with you dude If I punched that kid in the face I think he would have killed my whole family Yeah (laughter) He was like 14 His uncle would have dropped him off at your house Yeah There would have been a dry buy for sure Yeah I'm not even joking like he would have killed my whole family Right Just dakes are just different for them Yeah I would have seen like a Honda Odyssey roll up Like end of watch You ever seen end of watch? The police movie I saw the beginning Jake Gyllenhaal dude Yeah yeah Dude you only saw the beginning? Yeah Dude Watch that tonight Okay You'll fucking cry dude Really? Bold my eyes out man Yeah There's a dry buy in there It's not like compaganda as they say No it's one of the most emotional things I've ever seen in my life Okay Besides from like Planet Earth 2 dude Planet Earth is good Yeah I've been saying that Then come back to that Yeah Yeah there's a dry buy in the movie though I think it's like the MS-13's or something They're like a grey Honda Odyssey Which is a really nice van Yeah it is It's a really, it's a quality panty Dude It's like brand new It's like not a dry buy vehicle Uh huh But yeah man Dude Like guys like do you have kids? Yeah Like yeah I got thousands of them Yeah Yeah Yeah Dude I can't even... I remember the beginning of that movie It's like Jake Gyllenhaal's partner right? He fights the guy in his house He's like let's throw hands And if I... Yeah If you beat me I won't take you in And they're like fuck yeah I respect this guy Yeah But they're on a gang Right A black gang I think it's like the bloods or the crips Right I think it's I think they're wearing red I don't know the gang's work I think the bloods and the crips Have like rivals Like uh Is MS-13 probably like all Mexicans right? I think so Yeah Yeah Front it out there It's gotta be yeah Cause it's like a South American gang Right Yeah Now would the MS-13 do they bother you If you're just normal If you're just like a regular I don't know I think they have like initiation Yeah So you could just be like Fill in your car with gas And just fucking get blown up Or some shit Okay You would have to Get into the gang Yeah That's like their initiation Right It's like frat hazing I guess Okay That's what they say I don't know if that still happens Anymore Right But that would suck to be that guy Yeah Just get machete at like a fucking Costco Yeah You're just loading Like a Big pack of water into your car Going like a fantasy football draft Dude Yeah Yeah Your wife is like Can you get me lemon Just get out of the day Yeah You just hear gasoline in the background Fucking hada What the fuck You just Before you die you're just really confused Yeah Yeah Like Why don't you just piece it Yeah You think like kids are going to come out of the van and just Work out With no shirts and machete Straight up swords Yeah You're like I got the Costco membership Like a week ago too Yeah You're like fuck man I thought they had good deals Yeah But let's Let me ask you this If a 13 year old hacked you to death Right It is gang initiation But after that he went on to live Like a great life Like he got pussy right away Yeah You know he got to have sex with a 20, a 21 year old or whatever And then he like was in the gang He became like a higher up in the Gang And then he went and turned his life Around like wrote a book But it all, but he never could have Done that Without you If he didn't machete you to death Yeah That'd be worth it for sure That'd be worth it Just being like another dimension or Some shit Yeah I really do think there's just like Other dimensions Okay I think there's like a you and me Like in another dimension right now Maybe you're like a lesbian or something And I'm like I will get like fucking J.D. by writer Okay You know what I'm saying? Yeah What's J.D. by writer? It's like a car rental company It is? It's like a it's a car place They sell cars but it's finance only Okay You can't pay cash Like you go there and be like I'll buy this for five grand cash right now And they'd be like nah What is like rent a center for cars? It's kind of like fucking You know when you go down like a Like a highway and there's that sign That's like we finance everybody Yeah It's like that Okay But it's just like a funny fucking name Yeah J.D. by writer Yeah The fuck? Because they probably go like Oh it's just X amount of dollars per month Yeah And then you pay them for like 50 years Yeah you're paying more in interest And they get $200,000 out of you Yeah Yeah Most people kill themselves Before they pay off the car loan So it's like Is it true? (laughter) That's their motto (laughter) If you can't pay off our loan Just kill yourself Yeah Are you like an old school guy though? Like do you do online shopping Or do you go inside of I don't know I don't really like to do online shopping at all Okay How do you feel about that? I've mixed feelings man You're like a pretty old school guy at heart Uh-huh And I try to do good you know Like I tried going into Best Buy the other day Yeah And dude I hope someone fucking nukes that place It sucks It's the fucking worst What would you go to? The one in fucking Long Island City? Yeah Somebody literally If somebody blew that up tomorrow Yeah I wouldn't feel anything Yeah It's bad right? It's dude it's the worst Well you can order like You can order Um You do Best Buy dot com And you can That's what I did Oh you went to pick it up? I just wanted to pick it up You didn't even browse the store? Nope I was just like Hey man I ordered this online Like where can I pick it up? And he like ripped a vape And then he pointed at like a washer dryer set Okay I'm like dude you gotta fucking Forgetting the front But he like sent me to like the fucking Like the back desk or whatever And they were like yeah we don't have it Go to the front desk One to the front desk They were like yeah we don't have it Go to customer service Yeah Customer service is like we don't have it I was like dude I was just at the front desk Yeah And then he was like alright I think we have it But they're having a tough time right now They're competing with like Amazon And all the cause sometimes I I'll go to bestbuy.com and I'll go Let me give these guys some Let me give these boys my business They kind of need it Yeah It's like they were struggling I feel like they used to be the OG back in the day Maybe it was just retarded or something but No I would go there with my cousin We would like hit them all And then we'd go to best buy Yeah when he got his license And then like walk around best buy And look at the DVDs And their customer service was like on point right? Yeah I remember those days What are they cutting corners? Yeah I mean they're telling people you know We got to raise the minimum wage but it's like Do we got to cut it down? You know? Yeah Yeah we got to get like 6-10 You think that's why they're not working hard Because how much to get paid Do you think they're just like fucking dipshits? Yeah it could be I think like I don't know you go to In-N-Out Burger Everybody there gets paid pretty well And that seems to run Well Yeah I've never been Yeah it's good Is it only on the west coast? It's only on the west coast But I went there I got a burger and fries I was in California a few weeks ago Yeah And it was like I paid less than $9 for a burger and fries And everybody working there Is making like 20 bucks an hour And the managers make like Yeah the managers make like 6 figures You got a large burger and fries? I got like a regular size Okay Yeah I think a single burger But less it was like less than 9 bucks Damn I wonder what they're doing I think they're just paying there Well they believe in God Number one That's the number one yeah Yeah That is the number one Human trafficking for sure They're probably in some human trafficking They're probably out of their profiting off it Yeah for sure Yeah But yeah I think when you get paid like shit You're like You don't care about your job Yeah I mean I used to get paid like shit and I still You did I put an effort in Cause like my boss was like I'll fucking murder you Yeah And I was like alright man Maybe that's what it is Yeah Like the boss is like they don't have as much authority now Because if your boss is like Yo I'm gonna fucking murder you dude You're like holy shit Mm-hmm You know That's true Yeah Yeah they want you scared I had like an Italian boss who owned like a pizza shop I would deliver pizzas Uh-huh And this guy I called him the Antichrist Yeah In the back room I was sweeping up stuff And he was like what the fuck are you doing man Like you're missing all this shit and I was like Dude you paid me $6 a fucking hour Yeah So we started going at it and I called him the Antichrist Uh-huh And he ended up giving me a raise Nice Yeah Seven bucks an hour dude Great Yeah And then he started like 2000 What was it like 20 years ago? That's good money 20 years ago No this was in college man This was like five years ago Six years ago Okay But yeah then he started respecting me dude and he started doing like funny shit Yeah And I was like damn Maybe that's all it is dude It's just like He would get away with Yeah Like he would make like He would take like Fucking 50 pounds of dough Like slap it on the table in front of his wife And like he would make a pussy Okay And then he would start fucking it Okay In front of his wife Okay And like the whole staff Did she think it was funny? No Yeah But it's like remembering the movie Ted when he goes and gets the job at the grocery store And he's like everyone fucks your wife and the guy's like No one's ever talked to me that way It's like a reverse Yeah Some chicks like that too I think To be disrespected Yeah Yeah well they're messed up Yeah dude I think they call it a like hate fucking Uh huh Yeah Yeah I tried that once and it really worked out well It's weird it's a weird it's hard Yeah Yeah You ever do that like with your wife or anything You know I saw this video there's this like I watch a lot of these like sales guys Yeah You know And I just kind of like hearing what they have to say I kind of like the motivation stuff even though it's probably all horse shit Yeah I like That kind of thing I kind of like what they're selling I like business guys because I've never like knew how to make money Yeah So I like you ever watched like Patrick Bette David Sometimes but afterwards I just feel kind of like Gay You feel gay? Okay You know Yeah Cause he just makes me feel like such a man Right You know Oh and you're like a man made me feel like Just feel like something I would listen to before like a fucking boy's night or something Uh huh You know Yeah Yeah Just like uh And you're like I should be listening to guys we fucked here Yeah I like to listen to a hard hardcore right shit and then listen to hardcore left shit Okay now what's the hardcore left shit that you yeah that you listen to Um What's a good one So I'll listen to like ever this is every once in a while I'll listen to like fucking Alex Jones okay and then I'll put on like Seeing like uh what's that the view? The view? Okay And then I'll just cry laughing Okay Cause they're just completely campuses Yeah It's just so funny to me Yeah Yeah This is like once a month or something I'll just be like kind of bored And it's like yeah I'm just like let's see what's going on Right You know Yeah And it's crazy dude Okay Like an hour of Alex Jones And then go to the view Right Listen to that for like an hour Dude Fucking Aneurysm Yeah It's like It's like um Jumping into the pool after you go in a hot tub Yeah Yeah Yeah You do that once a month dude You're gonna be feeling dangerous Yeah Yeah But this guy Brad Lea that I was listening to he was like He was like yeah you can't he's like you can't serve your wife Cause that's feminine He's like a sales guy Yeah He's like it's feminine to like pay attention to your wife He's like what your wife wants is for you to focus on your life's mission And that's what makes her attracted to you Yeah Cause they don't want it they don't want you to be like what's going on They want you to like take care of yourself You know so that's why I'm here doing this podcast Yeah Cause this is all part of my life's mission Yeah You know to take two trains and a bus to a guy's house in Queens And talk about D.A. Talk about Puerto Ricans Talk about Puerto Ricans Yeah This is what's important in life you know But I did think that was like really interesting Cause sometimes you get too caught up and like is my wife okay And sometimes what you really want you to do is like go to Whole Foods and steal a bunch of groceries Yeah literally dude Yeah It's crazy man like we live in like a time where it's like I don't really pay too much attention to it but it's like Everyone's reading these like theoretical novels about like intimacy and anal and shit Right right right And then they just at the end of the day you just come back to like biology you know Uh huh Like every woman like women go to fucking hair school You know get a job at fucking I just super cuts Okay And then they're like you know what I'm just going to focus on raising my seven kids Right right And they're like that's what I wanted the whole time Yeah It just takes time you know Yeah it's like our grandfather's kind of had it figured out Yeah And then I'll have my kid during the day because Every once in a while like I'll just I'll have him and I'm like this is terrible Yeah I should be like in an office right now Making cold calls I should be doing I should be selling copiers door to door To provide for my family I should be selling solar panels dude I should be selling solar panels or whatever whatever it is But it does like those guys are fucking relentless dude Right Pretty much almost 90% of dudes pretty much just sell like life insurance Yeah And they'll call people and be like hey is so and so there Yeah and they'll be like no no he's dead Yeah And they'll be like all right well what about you like you want some fucking life insurance Yeah yeah yeah And they're like oh he just passed like a week ago and they're like I don't give a fuck you know what I mean Yeah Yeah I bought life insurance from one of those guys really years ago yeah What a company Northwestern Mutual Oh some of that My boy works there Yeah It's actually a good company man Is it? Yeah That that part that thing is but why am I buying life insurance at when I'm 29? Because if you pass away then Yeah but who do I need to leave money to? I don't have it's like at the time I didn't have kids or anything They sell it to you like it's an investment But it's not a good idea I don't know for a fact but I think either gives the insurance company would just take it Or those guys get big they get big commissions Well it would probably go to like probate or some shit What's that? Like probate court Okay so they would decide like which one of your family members gets it Right So whoever fucking wins dude I don't know how that shit works but Yeah But what am I gonna do die and then like leave money to my sister? She's got her own Yeah She's got a job I think about the locks I'm like yo I don't want to fucking leave my money to anyone Yeah Right You could have it like you could have it and like You know like in a state or something just have it transferred to like a fucking good cause Yeah You know like razors or something Like brazors yeah That would be funny to like just give your life insurance money to like They would be fucking amped Or just like your favorite porn star Yeah She's like thank you for all these years A current one or like an older one It's just like whatever one you spank to the most Just be like yeah Send her a letter and like feathered pen Yeah but then she like opens it up and it's a check for like $14,000 or whatever you're worth And she just puts it in a pile Yeah for mother It's like not the nerve Yeah Well dude I think live insurance is just like a dollar a month Or some shit No it's like I was paying like 125 a month Is it because you're the older when you started? I was younger when I started but it was like it's called whole life insurance so it's like You put money in and after a certain amount of years you can cash in the policy Yeah So the policy has like a value but it doesn't recoup the cash value for like a few years Because the cost of the money But it doesn't recoup the cash value for like a few years Because those guys get their commissions and everything So I think what they're doing is they're taking your money and investing it And then they give you like a little sliver of it Because if you just put that money in the stock market over the course of however many decades It would be like ten times as much as what they're going to pay you out Yeah I mean I'm like borderline retarded but I think they get paid by life insurance They get paid off like the residual value They don't even have to do anything But yeah man I don't That's why they'll call you and they'll be like do you know anybody else who needs retirement planning? You got family, you got friends Because they just have to make one sale and then they're good This guy should be killed For sure yeah I don't mind life insurance guys because most of them are like chill dudes Who just are trying to make it out there The dudes I really want to crucify You work with your hands or something Yeah it's like dude go make a fucking go do floors you fucking pussy Right yeah Yeah But the dudes I hate are the solar panel salesman You ever come across these guys? Not really Dude they're the fucking worst They're just sending fucking anyone out there Oh yeah Like dude I was driving home Pulling in my mom's driveway And this dude was pissing on my mom's like fence Okay So he sees my car pulling and he fucking runs behind a wall Takes the vest that he's wearing off Yeah yeah And then tries to sell me solar panels Okay As I'm walking in dude And I was just like I was so upset dude Yeah He literally at the end of his sales pitch was like dude are you okay? He's asking you that? You're so pissed I just like I wanted a mother's fence Yeah I wanted to say something man but I was like in my head I was like this dudes Basically got sent out into a random neighborhood He's trying to sell solar panels Right I mean he really does have nowhere to piss Yeah Like it's a nice fence but it's like I kind of felt for him I was like I kind of get it Yeah And I also hung up Why do you think it's vest off? Because he thought I wouldn't notice It was him It was like a yellow vest And he thought if he took it off I'd be like oh Right Who's that guy? Yeah Who the fuck are you? Turns his hat around Yeah Yeah He puts like glasses with the nose on it Yeah Yeah But you got to respect it man Like the fuck in You got to respect the hustle Yeah I did something similar to that when I was in college We just would go around to neighborhoods and knock on doors and like I'd be like you want a free estimate on your windows We'll send a guy out and then they would send out a salesman to like Cleaning windows or just like window install? To replace the windows Windows residing Yeah But I felt like such a big shot Yeah Doing it Yeah Damn It was cool Yeah For like a college kid I did Yeah Yeah I remember at a college dude I worked at a bank That was two miles away from my house Okay And I would have to like I would literally be in the branch And I would know like a lot of the people that came in And I would have to like try to sell them on investments Yeah So I would just be walking up to people and be like Hey like how much money do you have? Yeah People would just like threaten to kill me and shit I lived like literally two miles down the road It was the worst shot I've ever had in my life Yeah And this guy which looked at me all day He was like oh yeah That guy's withdrawing money Like go see how much money he has (laughing) It's fucking crazy dude Yeah You know But Do we get phone calls man? Okay If you don't mind No See what we got Most of these people are mentally challenged So I just want to let you know that Okay (sighing) What up j-dog, big fan I was just wondering How much bush is too much bush And what is your preferred bush? Thank you Thank you It's a pretty solid question Mm-hmm Yeah, why don't you go first? Do you think I should go first? Well I don't know I think As much as it grows is fine Really? Yeah You think it stops growing? Oh, maybe you think it doesn't? I'm not sure Do you think it doesn't stop growing? I mean I like to joke about it Mm-hmm You know like I always say like I want to marry a woman With like a full bush Who like doesn't pay her taxes But I've only been with one woman With a bush Yeah Yeah Yeah a finger banger behind a shed in college Okay That was it And it was one of the best experience in my life So Yeah Yeah 'Cause of the bush? I think so, yeah Yeah And the fact that it was behind a shed Yeah That's right I think that's right That's probably some of the best The best memories you made 'Cause a young man I really should be teaching class, dude Yeah Yeah I mean Yeah I haven't had too much experience with it I would probably say like Yeah I had a Saturn when I was in high school A Saturn? Yeah A car? Yeah Yeah you know what they are They're like these little ones Yeah They're little ones But it was a four door So I would like Yeah I think I got my dick sucked a couple times In the back seat of the Saturn Yeah It's really small It's like really small back there By a woman with a full bush? Um No I don't think she had a full, you know 'Cause I would have been uh Yeah man I'm gonna be honest Actually one of my first girlfriends She had a full bush Mm-hmm She uh I still, I feel bad to this day man Why? She uh She had like a pool party? Yeah She invited like me and my, me and my boys To go Yeah She had like her girlfriends there And uh We ended up riding our little huffy bikes up to her house She had like a nice in-ground pool in the back And uh I walk out there And she's on a beach chair just laying like this Okay Okay I remember, I remember looking at her and being like Dude is someone eating out my girlfriend right now? Uh-huh Oh 'cause uh Really? He thought it was like a guy's head I thought it was a head Oh Yeah It looked like Osama bin Laden's beard dude Wow, crazy Wow And dude, no joke, I looked at it Realized what I was dealing with And I just dipped I rode my huffy home And uh I broke up with her on AIM You did? I remember I was listening to her You tell her why? That was the reason though? I didn't tell her why but she found out 'cause I told everyone Yeah And everyone also saw it Everyone saw it Yeah And she never did, she never shaved it man There was pool parties after that Okay And uh It was like a protest Yeah, she would not quit She never gave in Okay And back then that didn't sound great But Now I'm like hard as a rock Thinking about it Yeah Like I'm thinking about reaching back out To her Yeah Being like is it still She didn't compromise who she was No Yeah And what if she shaved it after all these Years That would be sick dude if she didn't shave It Yeah After all these, it's just like Six feet long Yeah It just kept growing [laughter] And she's still not hiding it Just like corn braids Yeah Like six feet of corn braids Yeah Yeah You imagine that? Yeah They try to tell her to shave it at the community pool And it goes to the Supreme Court She's in like the Guinness Book Yeah [laughter] Uh Yeah She's like I had a moment where my middle school Boyfriend broke up with me And I said no I never gave up Yeah Alright let's see what else we have dude Yo Johnny Uh Currently sitting on the pot at work right now Pushing out some Chinese food from last night A quick question for your brother What's your favorite war crimes? Thanks bro Bye [laughter] That's a good question Yeah Yeah Um what are the war crimes? I guess there's like certain weapons that you can't use Well that would be like Uh Yeah You go ahead Well so you're not allowed to use like chemical weapons right in war But not after like World War II maybe Yeah So you're not allowed to like gas you can drop bombs on people but you can't gas them Yeah like mustard gas and shit Yeah Yeah I didn't know that but Yeah So that would be your favorite dude Um Well I'm trying to think of the other ones I mean it's not rape I'll tell you that How's it going? Um Because that's a war crime right like Is it? Like kill like mass occurring civilians I think that's just like a misdemeanor What? Rape Oh ok Ok Um No Johnny I don't even know What's your favorite? I thought a war crime was like treason Treason? Yeah [laughter] No I think a war crime is like something that an army does on a civilian population Ok Yeah You could technically So I guess I'm yeah Technically you could do it then What? Treason like you could commit treason Mhm You know Maybe Does that make sense? Well you could like desert I guess deserting but that's not really like join the jihad Um Just like make a lot of them make a bunch of them gay [laughter] You teach them how to be gay [laughter] Dude have you heard of that? I guess that's my favorite war crime teaching the Taliban how to be gay [laughter] [laughter] Dude what do you think a Taliban would do if it was like movie night and you put on like a gay porno? Ok [laughter] Like on a projector Yeah [laughter] Or just the movie in and out with Kevin Costner [laughter] Or if it's like a gay movie My best friend's wedding Yeah Yeah Like broke back mountain Yeah Because that's like slowly progressing So they would probably see most like Right You know that would really throw them off a little bit They'd be like I love American culture It is nice [laughter] Yeah What was it gonna say? Yeah Yeah I guess gassing is made my favorite because it's like There's something kind of hypocritical about it you know Yeah I think mine is just like straight up like famine Famine? Yeah that's bad That's a bad one [laughter] I mean has a nuke ever gone off? Um Yeah We used one Oh yeah I guess Oh like by accident? [laughter] Like intentionally or have they all just been in like open fields? Yeah we dropped two on Japan Yes Pearl Harbor No they did that to us And then we We um one We had the last laugh What was the nuke that they uh I think it was a documentary on it they like set it off in an open field In like New Mexico I think something like that They just didn't care about the people who lived over there They just didn't care yeah And then they just had like six dicks for the rest of their life Yeah Yeah Yeah And the documentary is called Six Dicks [laughter] The story of [laughter] [laughter] Yeah I think mine I'm trying to thank I just don't know I don't think I could decide on like a favorite war crime dude Yeah That is a good question I just I need a list of the war crimes Yeah, you know We would need like a producer to pull up like a list of like Like bombing a hospital is a war crime Yeah Bombs are kind of cool but it's like It's just not good enough You know what I mean? Yeah I'm thinking about like AIDS, AIDS and shit And then sometimes people will be like Well not wearing a uniform is a war crime Yeah But come on Yeah Sometimes you don't have them Or you do not fight the war because you don't have matching shirts Yeah You know you think PTSD is a war crime Um No Honestly man I'll just take it back to the Pacific Dude like shooting shooting innocent soldiers while they're taking a shit Mm-hmm It's my favorite war crime Mm-hmm Yeah Dude I um [clears throat] Yeah Blown shit up just not exciting enough It happens too often Right Um I mean nukes just hasn't happened enough Yeah Disease is just like Probably the best option nowadays It's just spread like a flesh eating disease Cause I think like inflicting a famine is probably a war crime If you intentionally Yeah I wonder if like cyber warfare is like a war crime Cyber warfare? Yeah What if you hack their Gmail or something? Yeah [laughter] You hack their eBay account Cause that's like what war is going to be in like 20 years It's just like You think with computers I think that's what's going on right now Yeah China's just like looking at our nuts and shit Mm-hmm You know what I mean? Mm-hmm No joke dude I don't know if you've experienced this China's gonna hack our Instagram and look at all the DMs Yeah Imagine being like a gullible guy though Like an older guy who doesn't really like understand Like the internet and stuff Yeah And like looking at a porno And then you get that error that's like Your phone is contaminated Yeah And then like bringing your phone to your cell [laughter] And yourself Yeah Or you bring your phone to Apple You're like yeah I just have this error on my phone Yeah Yeah But dude honestly There's been like moments where I'll think about something You're like these single women want to fuck me [laughter] We had a problem Have I kept them that way? Tell them no You're like 75 Yeah Have you ever like thought about something though? Just in your head And then it pops up on your phone Yeah Really? Yeah Because that's happened to be a few times recently Yeah It's fucking creepy man I don't know what that's about But nothing crazy It's like I'm like I need a new pair of headphones And they go you want to buy some headphones? It's not like You know Really? Yeah it's not like here's some gay porn [laughter] [laughter] Because recently it happened to me I was thinking something Looked at my phone Yeah And I just saw Helen Keller's tits, dude Oh yeah? Yeah And that's what you're thinking about Yep That's what I've been thinking about For like a year now Mm-hmm And you manifested it Yeah I think they're reading my mind Doing my calling line Uh-huh Was it actually her tits? It was Helen Keller Yeah I mean I don't think they have any pictures of her tits Oh okay That would be sick Yeah To jerk off that Yeah [laughter] It'd be like easy to get to Yeah I mean dude I would jerk off to Helen Keller videos Just in general Mm-hmm You know what I mean? Yeah Just her drinking water Just for making sounds Yeah Have you ever seen those? No They're fucking hilarious They're video? I think they're fake I don't think they're real Yeah yeah yeah I don't even think Helen Keller was a real person Okay I think she was like a government conspiracy Like Interesting Yeah 'Cause what did she do? Fucking who fucking knows She was just [laughter] She was just real fucked up She fucking made sounds No man it's kind of weird because it'll be like It'll be like Oh Helen Keller was the most disabled bitch that ever lived Yeah That's what you learned But then there's all these like quotes from Helen Keller I guess she learned how to like read and write And write books But what did she What did she have to like? Yeah What is the quote? So what was she? Was she like Yeah Just like a bunch of sounds Then it'll just be like the magic of persevering or whatever Yeah It's just like 16 E's in a row Yeah [laughter] Helen Keller [laughter] She's like Forts I bet there's like a really inspiring story there We just refuse to Yeah To learn it Yeah we're just dudes We're not gonna fucking Yeah But Mullen has a joke about Like women's history month And he's like They always teach you Like Amelia Earhart He's like Yeah The woman who was so bad at flying They never found her And the woman who was so disabled Everyone was like Damn [laughter] They do have videos Of Helen Keller Of Helen Keller Really? It's crazy, dude Videos? Yeah I think they're fake They're in black and white Because she was around in like In like the 1800s right? Yeah I think like the year one or something Should we Google the year one? Yeah Should we Google that? Helen Keller Let's just look up a video of her speaking This could be like just like Someone on Shutter Island though That's the thing She died at night So okay I thought she was from like the 18 Yeah we're gonna watch this video This is literally the funniest video I've ever seen in my life Okay It's not like there's something I'll go along You don't see the movie It's not like there's something Okay She does not hear the rest of her head She's behind that She hears about it She does not hear the rest of the head She's behind that She hears about it [laughter] They're calling her the most disabled bitch in America [unintelligible] She knows her only woman else [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible] So there is video I thought she was like Well she was born in 1880 Yeah, I mean this could literally just be Someone in like an insane asylum Right, right, right I just want to hear her speak [unintelligible] Oh, here we go [unintelligible] Come on Helen [unintelligible] [unintelligible] Fucking say something [unintelligible] Oh, she speaks What, that's funny to you, you sick fuck? [unintelligible] You understand that? No [laughter] Dude, that was straight up fucking Latin [laughter] You're right I don't think that video is real Dude, that was way too clear of a video Okay It's probably real honestly, but Yeah Yeah, I guess she existed, I don't know man That would be funny, dude, to just take like a fucking Rosetta Stone class though Like in Latin That's it You know what I mean? Why? Because it would just be like so meaningless But like you could implement it like at your son's like fucking career fair or something [laughter] Yeah [laughter] Just learn some language nobody speaks Yeah, they're like this is Mike Yeah You just start spewing out Latin [laughter] All right dude, we'll wrap this up man Um Yeah dude, thank you for coming bro Oh yeah, I didn't even fucking, I'm sorry I didn't even publicize your special dude Oh that's all right, I got a special on YouTube It's called "I'm Normal" if you want to check it out Yeah man, it was really good dude, I watched it Thanks It's hilarious dude Thanks Check that out and then you have anything coming up? Yeah, I got some dates coming up, I'm doing a show here in Astoria, New York on the July 19th And then I got Providence, I got San Jose, I got Chicago And I got Rochester, and you can get tickets at microscenecomedy.com If you like live comedy Fuck yeah dude Yeah man, it was nice to meet you bro Yeah, you too And then uh Yeah, I'll put this out on the patreon early for everyone listening Thank you guys for the support And I'll see you guys Bye everybody Thank you [BLANK_AUDIO]