In Episode 12 of the 1life podcast, host Behka White discusses the topic of grief, highlighting its connection to love and the challenges of supporting those who are grieving. Drawing from her experience as the bereaved and as a hospice chaplain, Behka shares personal insights and offers practical tips for providing support to bereaved individuals.
Additionally, the episode touches on the spiritual dimension of grief, acknowledging the power of prayer and the comfort it can provide. Behka concludes by reminding listeners that grief is a universal experience and that approaching it with empathy and compassion can make a significant difference in the lives of those who are suffering.
The 1Life Podcast with Behka White
Episode 12 - The Beauty of Grief
In Episode 12 of the 1life podcast, host Behka White discusses the topic of grief, highlighting its connection to love and the challenges of supporting those who are grieving. Drawing from her experience as the bereaved and as a hospice chaplain, Behka shares personal insights and offers practical tips for providing support to bereaved individuals.Additionally, the episode touches on the spiritual dimension of grief, acknowledging the power of prayer and the comfort it can provide. Behka concludes by reminding listeners that grief is a universal experience and that approaching it with empathy and compassion can make a significant difference in the lives of those who are suffering.
- Duration:
- 6m
- Broadcast on:
- 23 Jul 2024
- Audio Format:
- aac
Welcome to the One Life podcast with Becca White. I am your host and this is episode 12, The Beauty of Grief. It has been said that grief is the price we pay for love. Today I witnessed the grief of a man who recently lost his wife of 58 years and I feel the need to speak to grief. I work as a hospice chaplain, which means that I provide spiritual and emotional care for a patient who has received a life-limiting diagnosis and their family. I love hospice work. I am honored to enter someone's sacred space as they prepare for death. Following the death, I offer bereavement care for the family. I love bereavement work. Tears are sacred expressions of love that I get to witness. Today, I had a bereavement visit for the husband of one of my sweet patients who passed away a couple months ago. Seeing this dear man in English brought back so many memories of my own losses. I remember several months after my son Jacob passed away. I receive a standardized mailer about the behaviors of grief from the children's hospital where Jacob spent a lot of his time. I don't remember anything it said except for the part that has burned into my memory, which is this. "You may be feeling like you are going crazy. Don't worry, you are not going crazy." This was a lifeline to me because so much of the time I felt crazy. I walked in circles. I talked in circles. I could not remember anything. I could not make the simplest of decisions and I could not get myself to move. In fact, the only reason I got out of bed during this dark time was to care for my three small children. Their needs kept me moving in normal patterns even though there was nothing normal about my new normal. Grief was like a sticky darkness that settled inside of my brain and my body and I could barely see anything else. When I visited with my friend today, he expressed some of his concerns with his memory. He's been having extreme fatigue and also his decision making. When I shared with him that these are all normal symptoms of grief and that there was nothing wrong with him, his relief was visible. He had concerns about losing his right to make decisions for himself. With his mind more at ease, I asked him to share a few of his favorite memories of his wife. He then shared some tender experiences throughout their lives and at her passing. They had created a beautiful life for themselves. I am speaking to grief today because as a culture, I don't think we do a very good job of supporting the bereaved. In our culture, most people live full lives and die from symptoms of old age or they go to the hospital and die at the hospital very often. Death can be taboo and people don't know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. So today, I'd like to offer a few practical tips that you can use to support those who are grieving. Number one is to show up. You are the most important ingredient here. You can bring food, a gift, a card, etc. and leave it if no one answers the door. But you on the doorstep with a hug is human connection. Showing up can also be a text or a phone call. They will not answer if they are not ready and that's okay. They know you called. It is the human connection here that matters. Number two, what to say. Here's some things to say. I am so sorry for your loss. I am here. I love you. Here are some things not to say. I know how you feel. It's better for them to be free of their suffering. They are with God. No. God needed them. These are not helpful statements. The grieving get to say any of these things and more if they wish. They get a free pass. You and I can do better than that. Number three, offer your specific service of love. For example, I am free tomorrow and would love to come pick up your laundry or tomorrow's mowing day and I'll be mowing your lawn too. Or I would love to bring you dinner on Tuesday. Do you have any food allergies? Do not say, let me know if you need anything. Here's why. They do not know what they need but if they figure it out, they will not remember who to call. Number four, listen. Ask questions that give them permission to talk. Do not be uncomfortable with tears or displays of emotion. This is an indication that you are a safe place. Take a deep breath. It is okay. It is healthy. Number five, invite them. Invite them for a walk. Invite them to a yoga class. Invite them to lunch. They can decline and probably will decline until they are ready. But they will be ready at some point. Also remember that grief has no timeline, meaning that we can't hurry through it. And also it comes and goes in waves, meaning that everything will be fine one moment and then not the next. And it will also return in the most surprising times. But over time, the good moments out number the bad ones and then the good days become more prevalent than the bad ones. Number six, pray for them. Prayers really do make a difference. After Jacob passed, we literally survived those few days and weeks on the wings of angels. We felt the tangible strength and support of people's prayers. Conversely, after the funeral, when everyone returned to their normal lives, the prayers ended. And so did the amazing spiritual strength and support, which brings me to my last tip. Seven, timing. The loneliest time is a week or two after the funeral when trying to navigate the new normal without the loved one. This is a great time to offer additional support. For all of you out there who have lost someone you love, I am so sorry for your loss. The people around you love you and are doing the best they can. When seen through the lens of love, the things people do and say can be appreciated for their intent. As a reminder, grief is the price we pay for love. And that is what makes grief beautiful. We will all experience it at some point in our lives. I'm wishing you all peace and comfort today and always. We only get one life. Let's make it our best.