Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about his sink, his temper, and early 90′s music.
today. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 11th, 2011. See that? Look at me. Two 11s and I blew right through it. No problems whatsoever. I think this is going to be a good podcast. All right. So here we are. It's another Monday. It's another Monday. Do you know where your dreams are? I am going out of my fucking mind this week, people, as opposed to the other weeks when I'm so relaxed and chilled and realizing what's important in life this week. Believe it or not, I'm a little off the Zen path. If you can believe it, I've been in my fucking apartment all goddamn day. And I realized today after being in my apartment, the entire fucking day because my girl had the car. All right. You know, it's how I'm living my life debt free. I could go out and get another one. You know, you think I'm not a big shot? You think I couldn't go out there and go get myself a fucking mercury monarch. Put some rims on that bitch. You think I can't live like that? I choose not to. Okay. Cause it's obnoxious. I don't flaunt my ability to get mercury's answer to the Ford Granada. Actually, I would go out on limits say the mercury was a little bit better. Cause as far as the lineage goes, the mercury, uh, back in the day anyways was, was a, a, uh, for a man who was making a little more money and wanted to stick with the Lincoln Ford product. Right? Did I lose all the lace on that one? Did I? Well, that's good. Anyway, so I've been in the fucking apartment all fucking day. And, uh, I don't know. I just realized I not only, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking. You know what? I could never work on a submarine. Have you ever seen those things about those sailors, sailors who, uh, they joined the Navy, right? A lot of people don't know like people who joined the Navy. They were already sailors. You already have to be a sailor before you go into the Navy. I don't know if you guys knew that you got to show up. Okay. You already have to have your little outfit on with the little hat, you know, it got to come in there dressed like Popeye have won at least one anchor tattoo. And then you got to do a little dance with a mop. And if you do it, you move on to the next round. Uh, what do you got to do? You got to do something else. Something with a pipe. I can't remember. You start smoking a pipe and then you eat a can of spinach and then you're in. That's how it works. I know a lot of you thinking like Bill, you know, technically we're still at war, uh, you know, why are you making front of that branch of the military? And I'll tell you why because that's the safest one to be in. I said this before and I'll say it again a long time ago, I said it on the uninformed show with Joe DeRosa, the, uh, teen idol sensation from the Opian Anthony program. I said it a long fucking time ago. There has not been any great naval battle footage since World War II. All right. So basically if you want to have, you know, the ability later on in your life when you're an old man and you're acting like a total douche and people are calling on it, calling you on it and you want to be able to be like, I was a veteran. I'm a veteran. If you want to be able to yell that and not have to worry about your safety, you join the Navy. I mean, that's the way to go. If you don't believe me, I, I am, I have a lot of listeners, I believe in the army in the Marines in the Air Force that would gladly send me emails to tell me to agree with me that that is, that's the coward's way out. I'm just fucking with you. All right. Before you fucking call Fox news and they can be, of course, absolutely. You know, only those people on TV with jowls. People have always questioned people's patriotism. Always seem to have jowls. Have you noticed that? Oh my gosh. Um, anyways, yeah, I've been in this fucking apartment all goddamn day long and I'm going absolutely nuts and I want to go out tonight. Okay. I want to fill the wind in what's left of my hair. I'm going to hang my head out the window like fucking ace Ventura and I'm going to drive my quiet hybrid down the street. Okay. This is the kind of life I live people. You know, you too could be in show business and live this sort of rock style lifestyle rock star life. I say rock style lifestyle. You know what, Bill? Why do you even bother? You know what? Fuck you. Why do you even listen? Why is it always on me? Um, this is what I did this week, people. I came home and I don't know what the fuck I was supposed to do, but I walked into my bathroom and I saw that I had a leaky faucet. Immediately I got excited because I was like, Oh my God. I was like, oh my God. There is a problem. All right. There's a problem and I know how to fix it. I know how to fix that motherfucker. All I do is I unscrew that little thing that the faucet handle pops right off and then right underneath it's that thing that looks like a fucking spot plug, right? Pull that thing out. There's a little washer. You take it out, you stick a new one in, bam. And you reverse the process. I've done it. I've done it like five times since I've been in this apartment and by five, I probably mean two, but we're going to say five. Reality was probably two, but I feel like I've done it like five times. So I walk in there, bring in my little toolbox like a thing. I bring in in that little red one, little fire engine red toolbox and I come walking in, you know, looking like the puppet that I look like and I open it up, right? Grab my Allen wrenches, unscrew that little faucet thing and here I am. Took the screw out. I did everything right. I put the towel right up down in the sink right over the drain mouth so I wouldn't lose it down there. I put the screw right where I knew it was going to be right in the little area where I brushed my teeth. Everything's going well so far. All systems go. So I unscrew the faucet thing, right? Everything's good and I go to take the handle off. Low and behold, it won't come off. Seems a little fussy. So I start jiggling it a little bit. I start tugging at it. I go, wait a minute, Bill. Wait a minute. Let's not break anything and turn this easy repair into something bigger. So what do I do? I go on to YouTube, already getting embarrassed, going, I already know how to fix this fucking thing. I was going to show off that I know how to do this. So my girl could be like, Oh my God, you're so funny and you're handy, right? And it would just fill up my ego. So I go on the fucking YouTube, how to fix the leaky faucet and every motherfucker on there, they're unscrewing a little screw. The handle pops right off and they're on to the job. So I'm like son of a bitch. Maybe there's some sort of gunk in there. So I start tugging at a little fucking harder. And in the back of my head, it keeps going. Don't do this. It's going to break. Don't do this. I start looking at it going dead. Did I take a wrench out? Was there something else I had to fucking unscrew? I just can't figure it out. And finally, what happens? I lose my temper and I go, I'm yanking this motherfucker off. Right? What happens? Snap the goddamn handle. Snap the fucking thing off. Like halfway down. Part of the threads are in there. It's this old vintage fucking faucet handle. So I had this simple goddamn job. Oh, halfway through, I called my fucking dad too to figure out how to do it. And I was already pissed, which is funny. Isn't that funny when you call somebody midway through a job? You know, he's just hanging out. He's just like, hello? Like, yeah, it's Bill. I'm trying to fix the fucking faucet. And he's just like, jeez, easy, easy. You know, you just hit the ground running, screaming at him. Oh, you know, what you want to do there, Bill, is you want to unscrew. And I'm like, I fucking did that already. I already did that. I tried to do it. And he goes, oh, then jiggle it. I jiggled it. You know, and I yelled at him so much, he started getting mad. He's like, well, fucking call a plumber. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking call a plumber of a goddamn leaky fucking faucet. He's like, well, I don't know what to tell you. I said, fine, I'll call you later. He goes, all right, goodbye. You know, so that was the upside of it. I got a little father son quality quality time in there. So what do I do? I say, fuck this. I got a goddamn screwdriver. I'm trying to for the whole time. I'm going, what step that I miss? What did I do? Did I just push this up here? Sorry about that. I'm like, what's step that I just fucking miss? So, as you know, as always, my temper does me in. And what do I do? I fucking yank this thing off. It snaps off. And now I still have a leaky faucet and I have half a goddamn handle. So of course, you know, the male ego, I can't say anything to my girl, right? I just fucking walk out, head down defeat. I look, you know, I look like, I look like fucking Peyton Manning in the third quarter of a playoff game. I got that Peyton face, you know, I ended my chin strap. And I'm already looking for somebody to throw under the bus to blame it on. Right? I start blaming my landlord because he likes everything all fucking old, rather than just, you know, putting the blame on my shoulders and being a fucking leader. So like I said, I walk out of there. That's the only thing I was missing was a Peyton Manning jersey as I walk out my stupid, sweaty forehead. And I just walk out and I wait for Nia to discover it. Right? And she comes in and she knows I've been flipping out. She heard me yell at my dad about a washer, you know, stupid, fucking another three minutes of my life. I'll never get back because of my dumb ass temper. And she goes in and immediately comes out. She's like, what, what happened to the thing? Was, was there, are you like, are you halfway through the job? Nope, it's done, sweetie. Still leaks. And now there's half a handle. Anything else you need me to go take care of? Here I am, the man about the house. So anyway, so I've gone on, I've gone on eBay. I've gone everywhere. I'm trying to find it's not a really unique faucet handle. It's just an older one. I'm out of respect for the guy who owns this place. I want to get a new one. Does anybody, any podcast listener in my Los Angeles, in the Los Angeles area know where I can find do they have old? Is there is there a Fred Sanford house out here that just will have a bunch of old faucet handles? That's what I need to know. I have pictures of my damaged faucet handle up on the the Mm podcast.com, the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast. And once again, it's www dot the Mm podcast.com. People seem to be having problems sometimes finding it. And anybody out there that knows how to fucking do it. If you can look at it and tell me where I went wrong, I even took a picture of the goddamn screw where I unscrewed it. What else would be holding it in? I don't understand it. Obviously you don't understand it, Bill. You fucking broke it. So I'm embarrassed. That's one of the first things I learned how to do in plumbing. And I was beyond excited. I probably talked about it three years ago on the podcast for those of you searching in the archives. I don't know what happened. This is a lot, but what kills me about that is that is a microcosm of my life. It's like there's an obstacle. I learn how to defeat it. And then I walk away and I completely forget everything that I've learned. And then fucking six months later, I'm in the same situation. I lose my temper and the thing blows up in my face. And, uh, you know, I'm 43 years old. So who's kidding? Who wouldn't you say I'm beyond the halfway point in my life? You got to think that. I mean, 86 years, you know, it's long enough for a curse, everybody. Um, I think I'm going to make it into my 90s. And I want to hear everybody talking about my temper and how it's causing high blood pressure. Go fuck yourself. I go for hikes. That's how I even it up. That's how I level it off. Speaking of curses, by the way, I saw something, uh, I'm submitting jokes to an award show. Um, the Espies trying to get some jokes on there. And, uh, so I've been reading all this sports stuff, you know, just everything, every fucking article I could, I could come up with. And evidently somebody on ESPN was announcing the, uh, Cleveland Indians Yankees game on a Saturday night. And they did the usual montage of Cleveland misery sports, which not even being a Cleveland fan. I could pretty much say that what they are. It's the Michael Jordan shot. I don't know who it's over. Some fucking white guy, of course. And he jumps up and he's doing the fist pump. It's the John Elway drive. It's the fumble. Was it Ernest Biner? I don't know who the fuck it was. Fumble and, uh, what's the last time the Indians won it? 1948. Is that what it is? That's pretty much it in a microcosm. And then I guess they added LeBron James leaving. So all these, uh, Cleveland fans, not a, you know, started giving this ESPN guy shit for trash in Cleveland and saying that ESPN has a bias against Cleveland and that it's a lazy journalism and all this type of shit. And, uh, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I got to tell you, there's only one way you're going to stop it. All right. This is coming from a fucking Boston fan where I had to watch that goddamn Buckner fucking replay a zillion goddamn times. I went to a Tampa Bay devil raise game and they chanted 1918 at me. Uh, they did it at the Philly stadium. All that type of shit. It was just, you know, the Bucky dead home run, the whole goddamn, yeah, basically you got to win a championship or they're never going to stop showing it. And, uh, and I hate to tell you what you already know, but you guys considering the white socks, you know, you'd think it was Chicago after Boston finally won something, you know, you would think that maybe it would be Chicago, but they, I was thinking they got the Bulls. They have the bears. They got the white socks and then the Blackhawks just want it. So it's kind of you guys, you know, this is off the top of my head. I think the last championship you won was 64. You won an NFL title. So you got to expect to get some shit. I feel for you. And you know, remember when I said that I was going to, uh, I retired as a sports fan. I retired like Jay Z as a sports fan after the Bruins won the Stanley Cup cause I've seen all four in my lifetime and, uh, and within the last seven years. So I'm done. It's never going to get any better. I'm walking away from the blackjack table. I'm up. I'm going back to my room. I might order a hooker. You know, get a little fucker. I can't say that. You know, whatever. It's my Catholic upbringing. Even though I still don't believe in this shit, I always stop short on a lot of the sex jokes, you know, Oh, geez. Um, yeah, I walked away. So I am now a fan of, of cities that need a championship and I root for your fucking teams. That's what I'm doing from here on out the rest of it. I don't give a shit. You know, unless it's like New York fans, you just never can be sympathetic to New York fans because they just feel, they just feel that they're successful just cause they don't even live in New York city. They just live near it. And that includes New Jersey. And they listen to that stupid song. If I can make it there, I'm going to make it anywhere. And they think, really? Let me ask you this. Why don't you look in the mirror and see your man tits pushing through your New York Jets jersey? Let me ask you a question. Are you really making it there? You know, I don't think you could make it in fucking Idaho. Why is it so hard to make it in New York? You got fucking everything there. It's fucking easy living. Go live in Idaho. You and your friends are just sitting there trying to make a pipe bomb out of a fucking potato or whatever the hell it is they do out there. You want to go live out there? They're tough New Yorker. You're a bunch of cunts. So actually, I have a new favorite baseball team. All right. So I'm always going to root for the Red Sox if they're in the playoffs. Go fuck yourself. I have to have that loyalty. But I'm actually paying more attention to the Pittsburgh Pirates because they were that was my favorite team when I was a kid. You know, we are family. Hey, hey, hey. Remember that shit? 1979. You remember that? I fucking love that team. And you know, I was still fucking devastated after the Bucky debt home run. That was a year later. That was a nice kick in the fucking 10 year old seeds. Welcome to being a Boston sports fan. You know, the Bucky debt home run. Fortunately, I was too young to remember that horseshit roughing the passer call. We played the Oakland Raiders, which is why I always laugh when I hear Raider fans crying about the tuck rules. That was payback was payback just like when we rescued France in fucking World War II. We weren't doing them a favor. That was payback when they fucking saved our asses from the goddamn cozy smug cunts over there in England. Um, anyways, you guys want to hear some fucking layers? This is a new topic that I want to introduce onto the podcast. Um, this is something that I noticed you, you haven't just been sitting at home, watching something by yourself. Okay. And you're watching something that isn't supposed to be funny and inadvertently it's fucking hilarious. And you just wish you could share it with other people. Well, with today's technology people, you can. Why is the bed sliding away from the fucking wall here? Hang on a second. This is my bed. I have no headboard on my bed. Do you understand that people? This is how you live a debt free lifestyle. Okay. I have fucking goddamn pillow jam pillow. Can never say that word. I say pay P L L O. I have white sheets that are gray. You know, by the way, overrated white socks, three washes. They're fucking gray. I don't give a fuck how much bleach you pour in there. You know, when you open the goddamn dryer door, it looks like a fucking overcast day and just depresses the shit out of you. All right. Underrated black socks. All right. Like Angus Young and fucking Michael Jordan. All right. So here we go. See, he's sitting alone. Here's the new topic. He's sitting alone, minding your own fucking business. You're watching something that's not supposed to be funny. And then out of nowhere, they just say something fucking hilarious. And you laugh your ass off and you're like, God damn it. I wish there was other people here. So they could have enjoyed that too. We could have had a nice laugh. Well, with today's technology, people you can, especially if you buy an Olympus LS 10 like I have, are they up to the LS 11 yet? How about you assholes fucking advertise on this podcast? Huh? There's my sales pitch. Um, anyways, I noticed this. I remember bringing this up a long time ago. I was watching one of those murder shows. I always watch the murder shows, the trials, the shit on serial killers, the jails. I watch all that shit. And I was watching one one time and it was about these two serial killers and that actually joined forces like Batman and Robin. And one of them had already committed murders and then he moved to another city. And that's where he meets the other serial killer and that Bill Curtis guy or something's doing the narration. And when he describes the one serial killer meeting his new friend, they go, he then moved on to wherever and he goes there. He met a sometimes transvestite. No, there he there. He met. Yeah. Sometimes transvestite and pyromaniac. I still remember where I was. I butchered the line. I was, I still remember where I was when I fucking heard that I was actually working the improv in Tempe, Arizona. And I was sitting in the hotel bed after doing two tremendous shows. Of course, not to pat myself on the back. But I always have a good time out there, right? And then I was watching it and Bill Curtis and I turned on the TV and I caught like two minutes before. And that's when Bill Curtis just went there. He met a sometimes transvestite and pyromaniac. And I burst it out laughing by myself and I was like, God damn it. I wish someone else could have enjoyed that. So with that set up people, here's the one that I saw today. I was watching this shit on Christ. They just closed the fucking window. What the hell's wrong with me? I was watching this show called Behind Mansion Walls. And it was all about these rich guys. It was basically about rich guys who were divorcing women and they didn't want to give him any money and then they would kill him. And then because they had so much money, it was kind of this 50 50 as to whether they got away with it or not, which was, you know, added to the tension of watching it, but was also really fucking disturbing because these guys could, you know, this one guy paid $13 million to his lawyer. And of course the guy gets them off. You got that kind of money. You can buy your way out of a problem. Just like the fucking New York Yankees. They're never going to suck again. I don't give a shit. How many Carl Pavano's they signed? They got enough money to walk away from it. And sadly, so to the Red Sox, I know we're part of the problem, but whatever. So I'm watching the show behind Mansion Walls. And the guy, you know, worth $13 million, you know, whatever, he pays his lawyer $13 million. And he fucking, where the hell is this goddamn clip? I don't know whatever. So it's part of that defense thing. Where the hell is it? Are you shitting me? Why do I do this? Oh, here it is. This, this is something. This, this was a person describing his ex-wife, some other rich person within the town that believed the rich guy was innocent. And this is, I don't know where this is a show about some poor woman who lost her life because this fucking asshole, you know, you're going through a divorce dude. Like, you know, why don't you spend 13 million on a divorce lawyer? I'm sure you'll be able to keep most of your goddamn money. You fucking moron. You know, I mean, God knows, you know, the history of this podcast that I am all about, you know, I'm always defending the guys, how bad guys get fucked over in, in, in fucking divorces Jesus Christ. Could I meander anymore through this? Why don't I just play the goddamn clip? So this, this lady, his next door neighbor is talking about the, uh, some girl who's going to testify against this guy who paid his lawyer $13 million. And it's a really serious show. And I'm on the edge of my seat going, fuck, is this guy going to get away with this shit? And this is what the lady said. Here it is. That's the way they edited it. Ah, Jesus, I'm trying to shut this fucking thing off. That's what she said. They thought that she was a whore. And then they cut to the fucking lady who's just called a whore in trial going, that is not true. And I fucking burst it out laughing. And I was like, God damn it, I want to share that with some people. And you know, it's funny halfway through that, I started losing confidence of whether it's even funny because I did such a bad job setting it up. Why the fuck did it? I'm the worst. I took the wrong one. That's why. That's why. What is that? Ah, I'm the worst. You know, you know what? I'm, you know what? I've had just about enough of my fucking unprofessional. I got to get somebody in here to help me out with this shit. You know, it's better. This podcast would be if I actually had somebody sitting here and I just had him play in the goddamn clip. I got to start fucking doing that shit. I really do. And this is not me asking for you guys to send me emails. I already have somebody that I'm going to use. Okay, I don't want people going, Oh, I live in New Hampshire, but I can fly out there if you paid for the ticket. I'm not into that. I appreciate, appreciate the help. All right. So I tried something new this week. I actually printed out some stuff rather than so I wouldn't have to text my way, not text my way through this sit here and. Jesus Christ, I can't even multitask here. I'm trying to explain what I'm doing as I'm setting this fucking thing up. Why don't I just get this podcast has just gone off the goddamn rails. This overhead light is making me sweat like this fat fuck I just saw in that man versus food. He's actually challenging other fatties to go out there and they went to Boston. And I got to tell you, man, I hate to say this being from Boston, but there are some ugly sons of bitches from Boston. It's just it. There's no happy medium. They're either good looking or fucking. This dude, he looked like a pelican. He had this giant fucking chin. I just, it was, ah, God in the skanks in the background cheering him on as he's eaten. It was a six pound burger. They were trying to eat. And you know, for those of you who suck at math, that's like 24 quarter pounders with cheese minus the bun. I guess the bun was gigantic. No, no, they had a bunch of little patties. So it was with, with, if you just ate one bun and then you ate 24 of those fucking patties and these fatties are fucking chopping their way through it. So anyways, I don't even why the fuck I went into that. Yeah, but why don't you make fun of fat people once again? Um, all right. Let's plow ahead here. Um, somebody actually sent me this, uh, this link here. It said, Bill, you may have more influence than you realize. Now I realize that I didn't have an influence on this, but this makes me happy. It says major grocery, grosser, getting rid of self checkout lanes. All those years, you guys seen my specials. I've been going off on those things saying how you're basically you're just working for free and putting a fellow American out of business. Uh, out of work, I should say, it says, uh, one of the nation's major grocery store chains is eliminating self checkout lanes and an effort to encourage more human contact with its customers. Isn't it hilarious when a corporation tries to lie, how they try and spin it? I'm going to go with eat. They didn't work. I'm going to go with the reason why they're doing it is because people were stealing too much food or the average human being was too fucking stupid to figure out how to do it. No matter how much they explained to it, explained it to them. So rather than just admitting defeat, they try to spit it in this positive way rather than just coming out. Yeah, you know, we tried to explain it to them, but you know, the amount of mouth breathers out there is just absolutely, it's catastrophic and it didn't make it cost effective. We just realized that we would be explaining these things until the end of time or they would come out and just be like, uh, we've ascertained that, uh, of the 24,000 carton of eggs that were on the shelf, uh, only 18,973 were paid for. So, um, we're going to go back to the, uh, human way of doing these things. If there's any questions, you can go fuck yourself because I'm walking away from the podium. Um, so this is basically how they spin it. One of the nations major, major grocery store chains is eliminating self-checkout lanes in an effort to encourage more human contact with its customers. Here, come Santa Claus here. Come Santa Claus. Albertsons, which operates 217 stores in seven western and southern states will eliminate all self-checkout lanes in the hundred stores that have them and will replace, replace them with standard or express lanes. A spokeswoman said, here comes some more bullshit from the Albertsons people. We just want the opportunity to talk to customers more. That's the driving motivation. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. You lying fucking talking head. You know what I think it is? I bet it was when you went through there. Please, you guys, by the way, present your theories. I bet when you went through there that people weren't using their little savey save cards, they weren't using something. They weren't getting enough information. It's one of those three. You know, we just wanted the opportunity to talk to the customers more. They want to fucking worm their way in there. This is what you do. So just go to that place, use their thing, and don't talk to the person behind the counter or talk to them, but stop short of giving them any sort of personal information. We have your phone number. No, no, you can't. They usually just say, can we have a phone number? So just give them one nine one, six, four, five, two, one, two, three, four, go fuck yourself. Privately held. Albertsons operates in Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, New Mexico, Texas, and Utah. The move does not affect stores operated by the grocery giant super value, which operates more than 450 Albertsons. You motherfucker, including Southern California, God damn it. Well, you know what? These are privately owned ones. So maybe that this could actually be a good thing. Maybe that's why they did. Maybe they actually wanted more human contact. You know, it would help if I actually read these halfway through. So let me change my bitching to see, yeah, see the big corporate guys, they don't give a fuck. They're still trying to fucking make you work for free, but these nice privately owned ones. Oh, good douchebag of the week me for not reading that whole fucking thing. All right. Well, that's a good thing, though. That's a good thing. I like it. I like that they're they're going back to human contact. So there you go. Maybe some people can get some goddamn jobs out there. All right. This podcast is completely off the rails here. Let's let's plow ahead here and let's go with some some advice for the week. Hey, Bill, I've been talking to this chick who I met on this random chatting site for about three months now. We talk almost all the time over instant messenger. She told me that she lives in New York, but she's originally from here, Los Angeles. I never video or voice chatted with her, but she sent me pictures of what she looked like. Oh, Jesus. The thing that bothers me is every time I bring up the subject of video chatting or voice chatting with her, she gets real pissy and changes the subject. On a side note, mostly the reason I want a video chat with her or voice chat with her is because I'm still on the fence on whether or not it's a dude. What? But the thing that makes me doubt that it is what? Okay. On the side note, mostly the, I'm on the fence and whether or not it's a dude, but the thing that makes me doubt that is that she always texts me in the morning to wake up and chat with her on IM. People, please write in complete sentences. Well, about two weeks ago, she agreed to video chat, but the thing is she usually gets home around three or four AM her time, which is 12 or one here that day. I was, oh, that day I was exhausted from work so I fell asleep. The thing I found odd was that she didn't even text me when she got home and she always does not saying I was, I force her to text me because I'm not some clingy cunt. When I asked her why she didn't text me, she said, because she didn't want to wake me, but she always seems to text me and wakes me with the text saying wake up or one or two at one or two AM. So I let that go. The next week, she says that she wants to voice chat with me. Then five minutes later, she says she has to go and that will voice chat when she gets home, which is around 12 AM here. I stayed up and not once did she sign on or on. So I called her, quits around three AM. Jesus Christ, dude. Why don't you just watch some porn jerk off and go to bed and fucking forget this, this goddamn what's behind door number four. Why are you doing this to yourself? I'm not even done with this and I already have a solution. Watch porn and jerk off and go talk to people in a bar. Anyways, let's get through this. Then when I asked her what happened and if she wanted to chat, she avoided the question and got pissed off. So I finally said, fuck this. I'm done and I blew her off. Do you think I should let this go and stop talking to this chick? I think I already answered this. Or do you think I'm just blowing this out of proportion? One last thing you should know is that me and this person talked for hours at a time and I'm really not sorry for this long message because I'm paying to go see you in Irvine during your Thursday show. So there you go. Hope you get back to me. Thanks. Yeah, dude. This like there was already like three major red flags in here. First of all, you're talking about distance, it seems. She lives in New York. You live in L.A. So that's not going to fucking work out. You got to stay up till all hours of the goddamn night waiting to talk to her. So that's not going to work out. And then she doesn't want to do the video chat. So most likely the photo she sent you was probably when she looked her best is what I'm guessing. And then you threw in there. It might be a dude. So I really don't think you need my advice here. All right. So I don't think you need a long distance relationship with some fat transvestite. There you go. There you are, sir. You dodged a bullet in nine years of therapy. All right, Bill. I'm a big fan of the podcast. All right. Here we go. My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for about eight months now and things are getting are pretty great. There's just one little hiccup that I was hoping you could help with. A few months back, I told my boyfriend that when we were first started dating, I also went on a date with another guy. It was just a concert and a little good night kissing. And then we went our separate ways. At the time, I was recently single and I was exploring my option but didn't feel much of a connection with the second guy. And he never really showed much of an interest back. So there wasn't much contact after the date. There wasn't much contact after the date. Okay, you've left that open ended. All right. We work at the same company but entirely different offices. So we do run into each other from time to time and have casual hallway chit chat. Oh my God. I swear to God, women, if you were a little bit bigger, you'd be the greatest major league fucking catchers of all time. The way you can frame your fucking bullshit and make it look better than it really is. That was clearly a ball outside and you just framed that into a nice little strike there, didn't you? There wasn't much contact after the date. There wasn't much interest. We had just started dating. We work at the same company but it's different offices. We do run into each other time to time for just a little chit chat. All right. Here we go. I told my boyfriend about this and he forgave me and said he understood and all was well until recently. Guy number two. Number two. How pathetic is that? The piece of shit. Number two asked me out again about two months ago and I politely declined and said I was seeing someone else now. He backed off and that was the end of that in an effort to be open and honest. I know I would have normally kept this to myself. I told my boyfriend about it. All right. As always, I haven't read this whole thing but why would you do that? Okay. You know, if you truly don't have feelings for that fucking guy, who gives a fuck? Don't say anything. Okay. You think your boyfriend hasn't gone out and the local whore at the bar who just got her tits done and wanted to show him to everybody like she got her nails did, right? Didn't pull her titty out. You know, he doesn't need to tell you that because he wants to keep going down there drinking with his friends. He doesn't give a fucking some shit. You know, you can keep to yourself. So anyways, she goes. I told my boyfriend about it. Now he keeps asking me to retell the date story and flat out tells me he thinks I'm lying. He thinks something more happened and he said from a man's perspective, there is just no way this guy goes on a date with me, gets a kiss and then leaves me alone. This something you're not telling me, he said. I've told my boyfriend that there just wasn't a connection. Conversation was a little awkward in force. The kiss wasn't great, et cetera, et cetera. But he's still very suspicious. I'm wondering if there is anything I can say to put his mind at ease. No, no, you fucked up. You fucked up by telling him that. Look at all the details. How openly you open ended, you've left this stuff where it's like, you know, I went on a date when we first started seeing each other, you know, because we weren't official. And then you say there wasn't much contact after the date. So that means there was some contact. I guess you're saying the contact was that you work at the same company, but it's different offices. So you run into each other from time to time. So it's casual hallway chitchat. Is that what it is? This is kind of vague. So anyways, he said, she says, I'm tempted to show him my own old phone bills to prove how many texts were sent back and forth to make him feel like an asshole. I think that's a good move. He shouldn't make him. You're like, what you should do is declare your own name. He's not the asshole in this. You are, um, or your naive, because you, you, first of all, you told him that you went on another date while you guys are first seen each other. He forgave you for all that shit, even though you made out with this guy at work. He looks the other fucking way. And then you come home with this, this shit like what, like, what did you think that you were going to, what, what did you think it was going to do other than make him feel insecure and jealous. And, uh, I know there's probably a lot of ladies listening right now and be like, well, that's the thing. See, guys, it's so fucking insecure. You can't even be honest. Shut up. So are you. Okay. If you fucking just started dating some dude and he gets all honest and goes, yeah, I also, you know, went on to date with some chick from work we made out, but it was kind of awkward and whatever. I run into her from time to time. Right. And then you, you say, find no biggie. And then a few months in this relationship, he brings up that she comes back into the picture and starts fucking, uh, you know, comes back in the picture and asked if, you know, if he'd like to go out on a, on a drink with her and have a drink with her, you know, on a drink with her, go out and have a date with her, you know, no, go out on a date or have a drink with her. God damn it. I'm fucked. Um, you'd have a problem with that, right? So anyways, uh, she said, I guess I'm mostly frustrated because he's accusing me of lying in this, about this innocent event. I should just play along, answer his question until he drops it. Oh, should I just play along? I've told him that the constant questioning bothers me and I don't like it being accused of lying, but I see it eating at him from time to time. So I feel like it's an issue. We'll keep coming up until something changes. Do you think over time he'll just let it go and eventually believe me? What should I do? All right. I, I just, okay. First and foremost, what I'm going to open the fucking window because I don't give a shit if you guys can hear the traffic. It's too goddamn hot. Hey, slow down his kids out here. Um, anyways, in the future, if some guy makes advances at you and you don't give a fuck, you honestly don't give a fuck, don't bring it up to your boyfriend because all you're doing is just going to make him jealous and you're going to make him feel insecure that this guy's out, he knows that this guy's out there trying to fuck his girlfriend. He doesn't need to hear about it. Why would you do that to him? All right. And at this point, you know, I would just say that what you've been telling me that if you truly believe this, all right, because part of me is thinking that you did this to make him feel jealous. So you could feel fucking attractive. And then he flipped out. And now it's got a little out of your, your control here. So now you want to hear, you know, you're looking for some sort of sympathy from somebody else. Part of me is thinking that, but you actually, I don't know if something about you kind of seem like a nice person. So I'm going to believe you here. So I would actually get your phone bills and show it to him. All right. And just say, I'm guilty of being too fucking honest. I'm sorry. And, uh, I think, I think it'll be all right. It might be all right. You know, I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I just don't know why women. I don't know why they do shit like that. They seem to do that. Ah, Jesus Christ bill. Why do you lump all women into everything? Are you ever going to get past your fucking issues? All right, let's move on to the next one. You know, I'm really just having enough with the whole me always trash and women. It's getting tired. I'm sick of doing it. So to balance out the podcast, you know what we're going to do? I'm going to bring in a special guest I'm going to bring in a fucking lady. The wonderful Nia as always putting up with me and my bullshit. Mm hmm. And I'll fuck you. Okay. What do you do? You can't even you can't even be nice for like a minute because I'm sitting there. I'm trying to open up. Yeah, say that I know that I'm a jerk. Yeah. And then you have to like I hate when I hate that. We hate when I hate when someone goes like when they're actually going like this and I was wrong. I shouldn't have done X, Y and Z numbers. Uh huh. Right. It just makes you want to do it again. That just means that I'm listening. You're so full of shit. Nia, please don't do this. I'm trying not to I'm trying to get over my issues that I have with women. And what you're doing is you're feeding right into it. Do I really? It doesn't take much. Do I? That's true. But do I really have to listen back to the way you went? Uh huh. How you just did that? At least that's the way I heard it. At least that's all right. I brought you in here because you done? Yeah, I'm done. Great. You know what? Just to make you feel better, I'm getting sick of me. My tired fucking views. Join the rest of us. Oh, fuck you. All right. Here we go. All right. Here we go. What is this now? This is the advice. Oh, okay. The advice. Okay. And this is from a woman here. And I really need your advice on this one because I just some some woman just wrote in and I actually I'm feeling bad already because I think she was kind of nice and I immediately just started trashing her which really had nothing to do with her. Really had to do with me and the issues that I have. Is this this letter or something? No, that was the previous one. Oh, okay. If you were listening to where I said a few seconds ago. Did you apologize? Huh? Did you apologize? Did you admit that you felt that maybe it had more to do with your issues and what she wrote? Yeah. And that was a very nice segue to coming in here. So are you are you happy now? I do the right thing? Yeah, that's great. Okay. All right. Here we go. So here's this lady. This lady writes in here. A bit of advice here. I need a bit of advice here. I feel guilty as I feel as though I am the friend. Jesus, let me start off. I feel as though I'm really having a rough time together, baby. I really haven't a rough time here. I feel as though I am the friend that breaks up romance. I feel guilty that I am the one who caused problems to the relationships of my guy's friends. I'm not sure what it is, but I think my friends talk to me more than they talk to their women and jealousy develops. Oh my God. Let me finish. Purely factual. I know I was better looking than them. Wait, but I wouldn't say I'm Megan Fox, either. I have been compared to Katy Perry. I guess she's pretty too, but whatever. I'm fucking serious. No, she really wrote that and I butchered it the way I read it. Now I'm in a situation that I don't know what to do with. Two of my friends, guys, seem to be flirting with me all the time, saying things that I see as a guy would only say to his girlfriend. I'm not really a flirty person. I'm a good listener, but talk a lot so conversations are never dull. Is it me or does that just say that she dresses like a fucking haughty and stares at towards sex? No, I'm reading the rest of this. Yeah, just read the rest, but because then I want to I want to unload. I want to unload. I want to unload. I need to unload. Okay. I was told twice after my friends broke their relationships off with their girlfriends that their girlfriends were jealous of me. But what do you expect? Of course, we're going to have our inside jokes and lots in common. I have strong friendships and have known my friends usually longer than they have known their girlfriends. I actually am pretty lucky when it comes to guys. I'm always treated like a princess, which I adore, of course, partially because I'm not a horny slut who chooses hot guys who are assholes just to fuck the downside. I'm not making this up. The downside of it all is I always feel bad about the whole. So be ad about the whole about the whole situation. So I never get into relationships myself. So I thought I would ask you for your viewpoint in addition to my girlfriends. What's your opinion? Should I draw myself back or go with the flow and then see what happens? P s, I know your answer is going to be rude and biased, but it's okay. I get a kick out of it. What does that mean? Go with her? What was it last sentence? I think she's talking about. She said back off, go with the flow. I think she's talking about, I can't tell if she's talking about letting herself go to get into a relationship or if she should back off her guy friends when they have when they have girlfriends. You know what? Okay, I have this to say to this girl. And I'm going to refer to this person as a girl because only a girl would be so blatantly narcissistic and manipulative and then have the balls to act like she doesn't understand why the other girls don't like her. Okay. You know, it's like, you know exactly what you're doing. What is she doing? You're being a manipulative little narcissist. It has to be the center of attention. And the other girls know that you're doing this. That's why they don't like you. So they're not jealous of you. They see exactly the kind of girl that you are. And let me guess, let me guess. You're the kind of girl that like, I don't really have like a lot of female friends because like girls are bitches and like, well, backstab you. So I just came out with guys and have like a beer or whatever because I don't care. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're what she's one of those girls. And the reason that is is because you are everything that most women hate but you're too dumb to realize that you are the one that's doing it. Let me guess. So you hang out with all these guys, your guy friends that are like confiding in you and being oh, so flirty with you. You're you're hanging around this guy. But I have a feeling that you suck out all the air out of a room anytime you're around. So whatever girl they're around immediately hates you because we hate women like you. And you're throwing around enough of a whiff of pussy to have them follow you around because in typical guy fashion, some of them are just too fucking stupid. And they're hanging on to this hope that you're actually going to fuck them. And you're doing this because you even though you're a narcissist, you have all this self loathing like you don't feel like you can get a good guy and I'm not buying the I'm really lucky with guys. They treat me like princess and I adore. So why aren't you in a relationship? Why don't you have a boyfriend? Why are you always hanging out with other people's boyfriends? Why don't you get your own man? Jesus Christ back the fuck up. I didn't get in a pause break on every talk show. All you needed to end that with you need to get a job. I can't stand girls like so let me get let me ask you this. Okay. This is the most ridiculous thing. I like how she casually throws out how she I'm no Megan Fox but I have been compared to Katy Perry. Bitch, please. All right. Nia everybody taking care of that topic. Let me let me just if I can just try to just if if she walks into a bar and okay she's already in the bar. This is what I'm picturing. She's already in the bar or she shows up like if the guys are like, oh me and my girlfriend are going down for a fucking brunch and we're going to watch the game. She comes down looks extra cute, extra fucking hot. Has it tits hanging out? Of course. And then deliberately does the inside jokes. Yep. To show that she's closer to them. She's that girl. Absolutely that girl. And I'm sure she's you know, I'm sure she's borrowed one of their t-shirts and wears them to one of these things. Yeah. Well, it's like, oh my God, I totally forgot this is your t-shirt. You left it over my hand that time. Yeah. Okay. That's what I thought. I see. See, we'll see. You know what? I can't even believe that the nerve that that email was even written. What's the thing? How you trashed her was basically the angle I was going to trash her but I don't have your insight as a female. But what was great about that was it just would have been back to back me trashing a female and would have come off like an asshole. That was great. You actually, I feel like I pulled a little sinister move there. I got you to do my dirty work. Oh, is that what you think? That was tremendous. You really, really, yeah. Yeah, it really got me going. My blood was pumping. I would say you fucking blew the pubes right off her little landing strip that you know she's accidentally showed with her loose fucking shorts. Anyways, overrated, underrated, overrated bottled water. Somebody didn't say why? Yeah, I think it's over. Well, you know that they just. Versus what? Bond water? I think they just scoop it out of some fucking pond, I think, and then they boil it and they stick it into a goddamn. Yeah, probably. And they leave it in a warehouse for like I've heard for like years. I've heard from people who didn't really investigate it. I overheard them talking about it that they do it. Probably true, but who cares? It's just fucking water. Everyone's. I'll tell you what the problem is because it ends up in the ocean. Like, like, I think what does the bottles? Yeah, even though you put them in the blue trash barrel, we're going to recycle, right? You know, you know, there's no money in recycling. Really? They haven't figured out how to do it. And I've seen so many of those investigative reporters. You know, those guys, the reporters who actually do their job and they give a shit and they follow them. They're driving like some 72 fucking caprice classic with like the fucking driver's side door doesn't close unless they tie it to the headrest. And they follow these fucking trucks and they bring it to the dump. They bring it to dump and that's some of that shit ends up in the ocean. It's yeah. So I don't know. And then they said underrated meatloaf. Oh, meatloaf is awesome. Yeah, I think meatloaf is the shit. It is. But you know what? If it's not made right, then it's really fucking terrible. Then it's like a brick. Yeah, meatloaf. Meatloaf is like the Malcolm Young of meats. It's just the shit. It's the shit. And it's just totally not appreciated. Oh, and everybody thinks that it's simple. Like people like people play guitar. I think what Malcolm Young does in AC DC is a simple thing to play something that simple with that much air in between it. You know, and get 80,000 people to absolutely lose their fucking minds. They think that it's simple. Meatloaf is the same fucking thing. What do you want? Everybody thinks I can make fucking meatloaf. Have you ever made meatloaf before? Oh, yeah. You have? Yeah, I have a recipe. You know, the best part of the recipe is the very end. You take a strip of bacon and you put it right on top. Oh geez. Yeah. Why don't you make it? I would love to make something. I actually believe it or not. I enjoy cooking, but you cook so well and you do it for me. You know, and I'm so busy, you know, fixing the leaky faucet. By the way, did you notice that the cold knob doesn't work now? What do you mean it doesn't? Yeah, it does. No, it doesn't. Go look. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. The broken side works. But the other side does it. No, what happened was I was taking a picture of it from my podcast to show people what it looked like. So I had to turn it on. So I just turned the water off underneath. Okay. All you do is turn it counterclockwise and I'll come back on. Okay. Do you remember when I fixed the faucet? I fixed the leaky faucet. I don't know what I did. And this time I couldn't do it. I let my temper get the best of me. Can you just tell my podcast listeners how I've at least compartmentalized my temple right? I don't lose my shit in the car anymore. That's true. That's gotten. Oh, that was such an effort for you to give me that. That was such an effort. It's gotten better. It's gotten a lot better. I used to be like, is there anything funnier than somebody in a Prius with a fucking royd rage? And the fact that I'm a red, road rage. So what I say, royd rage. Yeah, I'm a little fucking tired today. I've been I've been fucking up all the words. Yeah, the comedy moments. It's just gone. What else is overrated and underrated? Is that it bottled water and meatloaf mine? Well, that topic is just sort of gradually dying. I don't know why people I think we've pretty much got everything that's fucking over. Oh, here's one fat head of the week, bringing this one back. John Cougar melon camp that I bring him up before. What do you mean? I'm like, I talk to people all the time about fucking just, you know, I quit boozing because I was getting that big Ted Kennedy fucking fan head. Yeah. And John Cougar, I don't like John Cougar melon camp. He doesn't have cougar anymore. Oh, whatever. His head's big enough for three names. He has a giant fucking squash now. He was riding on this. He's riding on a Vespa with fucking Meg Ryan who got her face did. I don't know what she did. Did you see this on the street or something? No, I went to like, Oh my God, they're just like us dot com. I don't know where I saw it. So she was peeking up behind with her cat eyes that she has now. Yeah, she did. She looked like Madonna in a winter. So she's peeking around his giant fucking head. Maybe it was just the angle. No, this. No, she has those. She got the bed. She had the crush I had on her. Did you have a crush on Meg Ryan? I don't think that Meg Ryan is your type, but you have weird types and you talk about girls used to crush on when you were younger. It's I'm always surprised. So Meg Ryan, Mary Lou Rhetton. She had nice thighs. She was a little thicky. I remember my mom was just like, she's a little, she's a little bigger. It's like, I like that. All those other gymnasts that were running around look like little fucking poodles. Yeah, she had some meat on her bones. She did. She was real short. Yeah, she had a nice smile. That little Dorothy Hamill here. She's very perky as well. She was. I had some ideas about Mary Lou Rhetton. You want to hear my crushes when I was a kid? My crush is when I was a kid. Let's see here. First one I can remember was Kate Jackson when she was on the rookies on the rookies. Oh, okay. But she was on Charlie's Angels. Oh, one of the great fucking theme songs. Okay. Of all time. Farrah Fawcett, of course. Of course. Who else? Oh, Valerie Bertinelli on one day at a time. I had a lot of hackies. But she's beautiful. That I crossed the street when I started watching different strokes. And I liked a young Janet Jackson when she crossed the street. Yeah, what do you call it? Cross the tracks. When she played was it not Penny was good times. I didn't like she was a little fatty on that one. She was a baby and she was not fat. She needed to do some laps. She needed to run up and down those project stairs. That's baby fat. Anyways, listen to me. That should have got a laugh, but you weren't listening. You didn't hear that. Oh, projects it from good times. They lived in the projects. Well, it's in the projects. Yes. I hope it's been funny. Yeah, it was. You weren't listening. You were too busy thinking about what you were going to say. And if you can do the radio thing, you have to listen to the other person. So how are you doing? I mean, how am I doing it? I've heard everything you've said. I mean, when you were on that rant trash in that woman, you think I didn't have jokes to add to it? I was like, she's, she's just let it go. I was on a tear fish on. Let her fucking wear herself out. And I'll reel her back into the boat. That's what I did. So no, when she played Charmaine, when she played Charmaine. Uh huh. Who else? Of course, Tonya Cataine and the fucking Whitesnake video. Oh, that poor woman. Uh huh. Yeah. Uh huh. I like Blair for a minute. But then I ended up like in Joe, the more facts of life. Yeah, the one that was in the right in the motorcycle. I was like brunettes. I was never like into the blunt. Joe was hotter than Blair. We have an slumber party. How the fuck did we start talking about this? I think Joe was harder than Blair, even though it was presented the other way. I just got. She was sexier. He was tired sex in the city on the laser disc. And I have to tell you, I am beyond excited. Um, I really, I was laser disc good. I bet it was fucking phenomenal. Was that another one that was out for like two years and then no one cared anymore. No one has laser discs. Yeah. Like guys like Steven Spielberg, people who are already who already made it own that shit. You know, he has all that stuff. Probably played like 20 grand for it too when he got it or he got it for free because of course he had it for free. What movie? What movie was he doing? Hook hook was a big hit. Um, all right. So here's the YouTube videos for the week. You'd love this one. This kid. You know, you know, those little pageant pageant, uh, girls, you know that I'm going to bay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where's my baby? Yeah. There's somebody who actually got her talking about getting hairspray in her mouth and they slowed it down so she sounds like a dude. Oh, yeah, I saw that fucking hilarious. These are all going to be up on the M.M. podcast, by the way. And if you want to go on the M.M. podcast and make a donation and, uh, to help keep us running here with our unbelievable overhead, um, actually be giving us money towards the new studio that I hopefully I'll be getting soon. Yes. Absolutely. Um, just click on the donation button right on the M.M. podcast.com. It's right underneath the Facebook Twitter and all those, uh, buttons right on the right hand side of the page. And, uh, let's see here. Uh, so you know, you know that they have those little kids that the, you know, the parents get them into those, uh, beauty contents, which is really fucking creepy. Like, why would you do that after that? It is. It's weird. Joan, Joan, Joan, Bonet, uh, the floor, whatever, some sort of hockey name. Um, right, poor baby. Um, anyways, uh, so there's a boy who competes in these things. Oh, yeah, they have the boy. They're like little gentleman pageants or whatever. Well, he refers to himself as a diva. Oh boy. And I want, yeah. And I want OG. And I want you to watch this because I can't figure out if this kid needs a father figure and to be rescued from his mother. His mother is either absolutely crazy or the greatest fucking mom in history because she's either figured out that this kid is gay already and she's like, you know what? She's totally gay. Let's just gay it up. And she totally accepted them. Yeah, which is beyond, beyond fucking horrible. That's probably exactly what it is. Yes. But with a little stage mom thrown in, of course. Yeah, I mean, both. Because she has another kid and it's a little girl. And she's also in that pageant thing. And I found that parents who enter their kids into those pageant things, they're a little fucking nuts. Yeah, there's something a little fucking wrong with putting your kid in that kabuki makeup and dressing her up like a little fucking, uh, who was it? Harlot? Yeah. No, it's going to go with, uh, he's a girl who rode trigger back in the day with Roy Rogers. What? Who is there? Oh, that's, that's classic Hollywood way back in the day. Is that from your generation? No, no, that's from way back way back. Who the fuck was, who was Roy Rogers? The chicken guy, right? No. Is he a cowboy? Yeah, forget it. Right. Hollywood. Hollywood cowboy. Owned the California angels. Okay. Has the famous horse, doesn't there, Roy Rogers? Maybe it is. Well, if it is, then fuck him, he's sold out. All right, we're going on to the next one. It's got to make money. Um, Sean Connery, that classic clip. I remember this when I was a kid, when he went on Barbara Walters, and he talked about, uh, how we thought it wasn't a bad thing to open hand slap your woman. That's right. Yeah. When she won't let it go. Mm hmm. And, um, I'm connery. You know, as much as I could never do that to you. I got to tell you, there are moments where I wish that we could rewind society a few years, you know, we could just, what if I could just snap my fingers and I was dressed like Robert Fulton, and I took off a glove and just slapped you across the face and then snap my finger right back into the Prius. And there was not a goddamn thing you could do about it because when I hit you, it was 1850. Um, oh, hairspray in the mouth. Oh, here's one for drummers out there, buddy rich. Watch this video. Now everybody, as far as I've known, I've always given credit to Tommy Lee for being the first guy to do the, the drum set moving, flipping around. Yes. This is buddy rich from back in the day going all the way upside down, playing. Um, and here's something. This is something I wouldn't watch because this is really hippie man. Hey, man. Hey, man. This is fish video, video called you enjoy myself. Fish the band? Yes. With the pH. Oh, they're music, but people love them. Well, this is actually really interesting like this because I actually saw them perform this song. Oh, you did. Are they good live? They seem like they'd be a good live man, right? Like, that's their thing. If you can get past their annoying fans, they're fucking a mate in the way, and the way they dance that hippie dancing, where, you know, you just sort of like, like, you got to get high with them. That's the, that's the thing. You get high. Everyone dances in the circle together, and it's a big communal thing. No, it's cool. Like, anyways, so this, this is called you enjoy myself. For those of you who are into like harder kind of music, if you're a musician, you'll definitely have to appreciate this. I imagine most people won't be able to get through the 11 minutes of it, but I actually saw them perform this song live and they jump on the little fucking trampolines. And I was blown away by them as musicians, but I found their fans. I can't blame 100% on them because just for the record, the spin doctors were also playing. And this is, and this is like right at that, you know, the spin doctors were cool for about 30, 35 minutes. They came to the Boston Garden. Oh God, this is a fucking story. They came to the Boston Garden. And it was this goes for the WBCN. I don't know. I don't know what, but it was right when all the alternative music came in. So fish headline, it was the spin doctors. And I'm going to leave this open ended. And if you guys want to hear this story, because I'm not because I don't name names on this podcast, but if you'd like to hear this story, I would say ask Robert Kelly to tell the story. He has a podcast, basically a sketch group. For some reason, they decided it would be a good idea to have to have a concert. Yes, they had the main stage. And they had a small stage. And on the main stage was a huge band, fish, spin doctors, and whoever the fuck else was there. And then they would have like these little acoustic sets. And out of nowhere, they had this sketch group go on that Bobby Kelly may or may not know the rest of the story. It was it was not the right environment. And it was amazing because one of the things that I remembered when they were doing their sketches, I think that people didn't realize that they were a sketch comedy group. I think that they thought that they were actually a group that was advocating recycling, and that they were trying to collect empty water bottles, some of them partially full, because when they were doing their jokes, people were donating their plastic bottles. And you know what I did? I stood there and watched it. All right. You probably participated, you jerk. No, I didn't. I felt horrible for him. I felt fucking horrible for him because I just go ahead now. And if you like my fucking red beard, just suck my dick now. And I don't have any more. That fucking song is so fucking bad. And just when you think you can't get any worse than he goes. He should have been shot with a crossbow. Okay, I shouldn't say that. He's a fellow redhead too. And he looked eerily like that other guy who was on the US soccer team at that time. But what was that other song? Something about a bitch. What's this fucking? I've been a whole lot easier. No, been a whole lot easier since the bitch been gone. Little miss little miss little miss can't be wrong. Did they sing that song? Yes. Little miss little miss can't be wrong. And that song I'm a bitch. I'm gonna end with this. This is one of my old jokes. One of my original jokes that are pointing at me because you just reminded me of something. That song, that song, I'm a bitch. I'm all that. And all the women love that song. That was one of my first decent jokes I had because that song came out. All the women used to go nuts saying that song. And I said, I love when that song comes on because you can watch all the loser chicks trying to pretend they have control of their life. And then they would always groan. And I would plow through the groan and be like, I go, it's kind of like when that song I the tiger comes on and every guy in the bar starts throwing fucking punches like there's something something. So I kind of brought it around. And I actually have to piss and the women off would get them back on my side. And I remember thinking like, oh, that's kind of a cool little trick. Piss them off, make some pay attention. And then you give them the punchline. You make it seem like, Oh, I'm going over here. But now I'm on on on this side of the stage. Wow. That's so Machiavellian. Isn't it? Isn't that interesting? Have you been reading The Art of War? You know something? I don't need to be belittled on my own fucking podcast. Right? Yes, you do. No, you don't. You know what? That's a classic female fucking thing. Now I'm going to end trash and women. This is what you guys do. You love us. You're supporters. But the second you see us feeling good about ourselves. I don't know. I think subcon. Let me finish my ignorance. You start seeing us feel good about ourselves. You get a little insecure like, Oh my God, he's going to feel good about himself. And what is he going to do? Is he going to leave me and think he can do better? Let me fucking reel him in a little bit here. So you had to bring me down right there. I was telling you a story about, yes, you did. No, I didn't. You didn't. All right, we'll leave it with that. Okay. Well, that was my paranoia. All right. Hour in 10 minutes. I think that's a that's a good place to stop. Hour in 10 minutes. Hour in 10 minutes. Guys, please help me fix this sink. If you know any place out here that has vintage stuff where I can buy it. You've really done it this time with that whole thing. Oh, I haven't. It's very easy. And everyone I'm going to love about it is everybody's going to come and help me out. But they're going to help me out in an internet way, which is they're going to be calling me a fucking moron the entire time they help me. Yeah, they'll be like, they'll be like this subject would be, hey, dipshit. All right, fuck face. Next time you do this, if you can fucking figure it out, moron, you're the ultimate name caller. So they feel like they have to like get in there so they can be like you once again, once again, bringing me down, rather than, rather than laughing, you immediately. I am laughing. I'm not taking. Oh, please, why are you taking this? Do you have something to do you have something to hide? Do you have something to hide? Are you going to be selling some sort of Nia merchandise? No, I do not. No, I don't side with them at all. I hate those people that write them like that. I think it's very annoying. But I just feel like they're trying to like be like you and they're trying to emulate you. That's what I was trying to say. Do you ever think that there's just a bunch of me's out there? These people will be doing it. Go on YouTube. Look what people right under the videos. I can't look at YouTube comments. People are out of their fucking mind. Listen, you've got to keep your face near the microphone. If you start doing stuff like this, on the podcast, yeah, you do that. I'm not. No, no, you were talking and you started looking down at your foot. You went like that. Oh, I'm trying to, I'm trying to give you some sort of Mike's skills because I think you're, you're, you add a lot to the podcast and I would like to offer you a contract to be on here to work free as I do to be on here more often. Well, bring you in, you know, something when I feel like, like, you know, when I feel like I curse too much on stage when I'm really feeling that like I literally have a taste in my mouth. Like, okay, I need to clean it up a little bit. And like today when I was trash and women to the levels, just like Jesus Christ, I got to get, I got to get knee in here to try to balance this out. And why I love you is you're fucking, I passed the baton right to you and you took it across the finish line. Thank you, sweetie. You're fucking destroyed that lady. Yeah. All right, that's the podcast. That was sort of a feel good ending. All right, go fuck yourselves. Don't make it nice. Go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast for this week. I'll be talking to you guys next week. Where am I going to be this week? Oh, I'm gonna be up in San Jose at the improv. And you got pick your microphone up. You just really killed that right there. You set your microphone down and it rolls and you can hear it. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, you get that it's on. Let me turn it off. Anyways, I'm gonna be at the the improv in San Jose. You should definitely come out to these shows because these are gonna be monster shows because I have not done an hour of stand up in a while and I am fucking chomping at the bit to do it. And I feel like unloading some brand new fucking thoughts up there. So please come down to the scary downtown San Jose area. Somebody got shot right out in front of that place last time. I really shouldn't be bringing that up. And now you shouldn't. Yeah. I keep it real, son. I'm sure it was all dealt with and everything's fine. It was. They swept it right out. The garden hose sprayed the blood off and we did the second show. The people have been arrested. Everyone's okay. Everything's okay. Yeah. So please come out to that. Next week, I'm going to be down in Irvine, Orange County, the plastic surgery capital of the world. Oh, you're gonna bring it. Are you gonna bring it to them again? Are you gonna tell them about themselves like it did last time? I'm gonna fucking rent a Dodge Challenger. I'm gonna beat on that driving to and from and because the highways out here suck. And then after that, I'm at the Montreal Comedy Festival. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. And that's it. Why aren't I going to that? I love Montreal. Oh, you know, this. Can I come? Yeah. Why don't you go on that that Star Trek website? Get yourself a cheap ticket. All right. The one Captain Kirk talks about. Oh, a price line. Why aren't you on that one? I don't know because you usually come to the the I don't know Miami. I don't know. I don't want to talk about the ones you usually go to. You usually don't go to the go to that one. Do I bring you to that one? Why did you make it awkward? I didn't make it awkward. I was fine. I don't think you're going to that one. Oh, yeah. No, you're not going to that one. I love Montreal. Montreal. All right. All right. That's the podcast for this week. I'll talk to you guys next week. And like I said, if you guys, if you're watching anything, I'd really like to get some audio clips on this thing. If you see something on TV that strikes you as funny, send them in for God's sakes. All right. Talk to you next week.