Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 7-4-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about UFC 132, Vegas, Whore Clothing lines,
Hey, let's go. You like when I sniffle before I start the podcast? I thought I could sneak that in a little before I started. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 4th, 2011. My country, tears of the sweet land of it. How does that song in? Let freedom, is it ring or rain? I think rain's a little more hostile. You know, let it rain. Or does that mean like, like it's raining men or love rain down on me like freedom? I don't fucking know. I don't pretend to know. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. If you're new to this podcast, welcome. I do one of these every Monday because I know most of you hate your fucking jobs, you know, and you probably fuck something. You didn't want to fuck this weekend, right? You probably lit off some fucking fire crackers. You know, somebody messed up their hand or somebody's going to considering this is really one of the number one fuckhead holidays of the year. You know, I know it's supposed to be about the troops. I know it's supposed to be about celebrating this siding of the declaration of independence. But what does it become? Hasn't it really become all about watching your drunk uncle, Sally, right? And whatever dumb shit he's going to do. You're going to fucking eat too much. You're going to play horseshoes. You're going to do that shit. How many are really going to go to a parade? You're going to go to a parade? Well, good for you. I'm a fucking judge the rest of us. Well, you know, something the levels are really fucked up here, aren't they? One of these days, I'm going to get a I'm going to get some sort of a technician to help me out with this shit. But I don't know, I'm just afraid that it's going to compromise the podcast because the I think the thing that that just just drives whatever funny, whatever, ha ha he that is on this thing is the fact that I do these things by myself. And I don't want to compromise the integrity or it is not the one. I'm actually standing right now. T-shirt, boxers and white socks. Just to give you a visual legs pasty as ever matching the torso. Just in case you thought I was a cyborg because they're always made from mismatching parts. I don't know if you know that. I'm actually doing this from the Palms Casino out in Las Vegas. I'm in my room right now. I have the curtains drawn. I have the air conditioning off, you know, because I don't want I don't want to compromise the integrity of the podcast podcast podcast. The podcast this week, there's going to be a lot of that everybody. We're going to be talking about integrity this week, evidently. I don't know why. But actually, just to let you know what kind of a recession we're in here in the States, for those of you who listen to this religiously overseas, you know, as you sit there having your bangers in mash, you know, as you weigh your little bowler cap, still trying to solve the mystery of Jack the Ripper. I signed it. I checked into the hotel here. And when I came into my hotel room, the air conditioning was off and it was hot as hell in here. Now, as the environment, the semi-environmentalist that I am, you know, don't ever forget that I'm a Gemini. Okay, I drive a Prius. I want to challenge her. All right. You never know which way I'm going to go. You know, I know when the Catholic guilt is going to fucking kick in and I'll be like, all right, I'm going to be a douche and I'm going to get a Prius. Or if I'm going to say, fuck it and buy some gas guzzling car that I really want. But anyways, I came walking in and, you know, that was that was a major sign that they are not doing well out here. And I got to tell you as I look out the fucking window here, if I can just peek behind the drapes. Um, it was a major mistake to build anything out here. Just the amount of energy that it takes to try to pretend that you don't live in a fucking desert. You know, and I know all you guys are going to send me a little fucking emails about the history of Vegas and Bugsy Seagal. And the reason why they came out here was because of their fucking gambling and gambling wasn't ever I don't give a shit. All right, I'm just saying, you know, hindsight being 20, 20, my using that, uh, it's already getting so fucking hot in here. I can't cross my legs as I lay down in the bed because they're going to be sweaty up against one another, you know, this is just, this is hell on earth. I think this is, uh, if you want to know what global warming is going to bring to your city in a few years, come out to Las Vegas first weekend in July. And, uh, I'll tell you, there are some fucking hoars out in this city. Whoo, does it make me excited? All walking around with their short skirts and their thick little thighs and their fucking asses jacked up with their little hoary shoes from the Kardashian line? You know, you got to love those skanks. You know, those skanks that just have no fucking talent, but they got big brown eyes and they draw some fucking eyeliner around them so they can fucking look like some scared squirrel as they give head over a cell phone cam. All right. And then all, then all of a sudden they become famous. Then they become famous. You know, the whole world sending the message out there that it's okay to be a whore. And then they get, they get all these deals and then they come out with their line of clothing. Do they come out with something elegant? Do they come out with something tasteful? Do they come out with something that's even remotely respectful? Of course not. They come out with horror. Okay. You go with what you know with. You got to go with your gut. Okay. And what these women know is they know as in titties, got them, where the fuck they're at, aside from having big brown eyes that you draw eyeliner around, then you look up like, yeah, do you want me to do it? Right? So now you got all these other fucking who was out here. What happened? What happened here? Some reason my fucking you guys still hearing this? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We got a problem here. We got a problem with the channel. Ah, fuck. How come I can't hear in this ear? And the other side isn't going up. Ah, Jesus Christ. I was on a nice roll. Hang on a second. I got to fix this. Hang on. Is this what it is? Is this fucking thing coming out again? Oh, Christ. Is my fucking machine crapping out? Why? Because it's so goddamn hot in here. You guys want to listen to this? You want to listen to a guy who doesn't have a fucking producer? Try and solve why it's coming in clearly in the left channel and not the right channel. Ladies and gentlemen, please don't panic. The Monday morning podcast will be back after a short break. Okay, test test. I'm back. I saw what happened. I saw it. I figured it out. I figured it out. My fucking my elbow hit some button here. All right. We're back. So anyways, I'm talking about horror wear. All right. This is what they know. This is what they do. And then these, these other, these other ladies, I don't know what their fucking problem is, but God bless them for not figuring it out. They are so enamored with celebrity that they forget that these horrors are whores. So then they go out and they buy their fucking clothing and they dress the way they dress. And then you got me a filthy middle aged man walking around with the fucking semi, you know, but I'm harmless. I'm harmless. You know, I'm at that age. Not only do they not give a fuck about me, it's like they, they look away as fast as if they, when they look at me like they're looking at like a lamp or something, just a complete inanimate object. It's so fucking sad to get to this goddamn age. We're like, God, I'm that guy. Even though I kept myself in shape, I'm still an old balding jackass, right? No one gives a fuck anymore. That's why they have that great saying that youth is wasted on the young. You know why? Cause you don't know, you don't know, you don't know any better. You're so busy freaking out. Is that a, is that a pimple? Whatever the fucking is you're doing? You don't realize you're in the prime of your life. And even if you do, you can't appreciate it because you haven't been where I'm at. You know, and I haven't been with somebody older than me that and some other guy sitting there listening to this on a toilet with his balls in the fucking water. You know, but God bless this skanky, hoary fucking generation. It's unbelievable. I walked by the Playboy club. I mean, what the fuck do you expect? Right? And everybody standing out there with their, all the guys with their Ed Hardy, affliction, bedazzled fucking shirts. Absolutely horrific. You know what I mean? No one full well that they watch. They all watch the Jersey shores. If it's like a drama, you know, they watch it, you know, compile, think it's like compelling. Why does it keep making that fucking noise? You know what? As people, I forgot my windscreen this this week. I don't have the windscreen. And even though there's no wind in here, I think I'm popping on the mic. So because I got the levels turned up so fucking high because every goddamn week you can't bitch to me, you know, turn it up. It's not loud enough. Why don't you fucking turn up your, your, your device that you listen to this thing on? God damn it if I had the name of a, of a device that would have sounded right. So anyways, oh, there's a drink of water for you. This weekend, I am doing dates on the anti social network tour. We did the Paramount theater up in Seattle. And I want to thank BJ for promoting it and putting us on his radio show. And I got to tell you, we just did the Paramount theater two nights ago and it was one of the best crowds, if not the best crowd that we've had on this tour. It was unbelievable how it was funny. We were backstage going, Oh God, this crowd is fucking rowdy. This crowd is drunk. We thought all of that. And then we just kind of realized like, no, it's actually been sunny for three days in a row in Seattle. And these people are absolutely fucking euphoric. And that's basically what was going on up there. They were just, it was just a fucking amazing, amazing crowd. And I want to thank everybody who came out to that show because, you know, we came into Vegas a day early. And everybody on the tour, we're still talking about how great that fucking show was. So tonight, Vegas. All right, with your bedazzled shirts and your hoary fucking shoes, you guys got to somehow beat out the crowd that came out to the Paramount. I'll tell you, actually, I'm actually, I'm taking a fashion risk tonight everybody. I'm risking myself in a fashion way. I don't know what I was thinking. I brought a fucking pull over V neck sweater to wear in in Las Vegas in the middle of July. I don't know what I was thinking. So I don't know. I've also worn the fucking thing like nine times. It seems like every other weekend, I'm always breaking this thing out. I'm sick of it. So what do I do? I go down to the gift shop because I got to buy some batteries to make sure I could do this podcast. And I see this shirt, this blue checkered fucking shirt hanging on the wall. I was like, God damn it. That's a good looking shirt. It's a little busy, but it's going to look good on stage. I'm going to look like a fancy man. As Jim Norton says, I'm going to look like a headliner. I think I'm going to buy that. Let me try it on. I like it. It's blue. It's bringing out my eyes. Maybe a couple of those little fucking hoars will give me a little look. See, when I'm up there, then halfway through buying it, I just realized that I am buying a shirt at the fucking gift shop in the casino where the show was tonight. So the odds of somebody in the crowd having the exact same shirt that I have is pretty fucking high. It's pretty fucking high. But if you saw the level of degenerate that walks around the average casino nowadays, because the mob isn't out here. Mob's not out here. Right. The illegal mob. Now they have the legal mob. The fucking corporations are out here, which is why bottled water is like nine zillion dollars now because, you know, back in the day, the mob just took the gambling. You got out here a cheap ticket. They threw a stake down your fucking throw a couple of fig newtons. You felt like you got something. And then you go to the tables and they clean you out. But you're still left going, well, you know, I still had a four dollar stake because most people are too fucking stupid to realize that they dropped three grand at the table that they already paid for the stake. But now that these corporate cunts are out here, it's not enough. It's not enough just to get the gambling, these stupid cunts. They got out. They got a fucking they got to vacuum your pockets out everywhere you go. Jim cost money, the internet cost money. Goddamn, you can't you can't get an eight dollar stake out here. Whatever the hell used to be able to get you can't do it. I know this is old material. I know I've talked about this before in the podcast, but I think it's so vital to what this podcast is all about that I'm going to say it again. Okay, that's why I'm saying it, not because I remembered halfway through that I've already discussed this shit on the podcast has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fact that I think it's so goddamn important to keep rehashing the old shit on this fucking thing. Yeah, that's what it looks like. I feel like when I walk through a casino, like when I go downstairs to get breakfast in the morning, I feel like I'm on a college campus. You know, you see like the frat boy kind of guys. And then you see the the sorority girls with their ankle tattoo or maybe the shoulder one. They pretty much all stay away from the tramp step now. That's really usually chicks from my generation. But anyways, we came in a day early. Let me tell you about my little Vegas trip here came in a day early. And Jim Norton is a huge UFC fan. And I didn't even realize that there was a fight this weekend. So, you know, Joe Rogan, a fellow comedian, he actually hooked us up with these awesome tickets. And I went down and I watched the watch the was it UFC 32, 132, I'm sorry, with Uriah Faber fighting some guy Cruz. I don't know the fucking names. There's only so many sports I can pay attention to, but I got to tell you something. You got to go to one of these UFC things. And just especially if you're actually in the performing arts on any level, you know, and as much as you think it's badass to be in a band, or it's badass to be a comedian, or maybe it'd be a fucking, I don't know, a fucking professional football player. There is nothing more badass than when Bruce buffer does your goddamn intro. And you come in not wearing a shirt to just fucking throw down with another fucking human being. It's it was just I never felt like such a bitch in my life. I just remember just going like I do I really think that I'm some sort of badass to when stand up comedy. And not to mention, if you're a fan of the UFC, this is another reason why you have to come out and see one of the live events is is badass as Bruce buffer sounds. For those of you who don't watch, he does all the announce all the intros for the fighters is badass as that guy sounds on TV. There's nothing like seeing that guy live. He is unfucking believable. He was so good. I was sitting there Doug Benson. He was actually there not the name drop a bunch of comics, but we just started laughing. He was so good. And we just laughing at like the intros. Like the average intro that you get it like a college gig. You could be eating it. He's been a comedy central and David Letterman. His name is Bill Burr. And here he is. That's what you'll get at like a college. Well, you go to a comedy club. It's a little more professional. They'll be like, Hey, good evening, everybody. Welcome to the punchline in Atlanta. How's everybody doing tonight? Oh, come on. You guys can do better than that. It's Friday night. I said, oh, everybody. That's that's the best we get. Dude, Bruce buffer. I don't even want to try and imitate. I'm gonna embarrass myself, but he's just like, he just comes out. He has this sounding, you know, ladies and gentlemen, it is time. And everybody's just like, what the fuck are you just fucking looking at the ring fighting? He just fucking real. He just goes right through their credits. He's fucking pointing at him in every fucking thing that they've done in his career. He's like enunciating. He's getting his body into it. The fucking fight is a bouncing foot on either foot. I got amped up. I'm not even fighting. I'm sitting out in the fucking crowd for half a second. I thought I knew how to fight. It was unbelievable. I thought I had a belt in something. Was fucking it was the shit. And then like every fight I saw was great. The second I walked in, I saw like, I think I saw six fights, five of them either ended in knockout or TKO. And I'm so bad with the names. What's his face? Was it Vanderlei Silva? He got knocked out by this dude with red hair and in 2027 fucking seconds. And after the dude with the red hair and knocked him out or dyed red hair, you know? He's a spy in my world. He fucking knocks this guy out. And if you see the look on his face when he was flexing after he did it, one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen in my life. Once again, you just look at the guy and as every guy always thinks every guy has a nightmare of could I survive in prison, that guy does not have that nightmare. That dude, unrapeable. That's the highest level belt that you can get in martial arts. Oh, speaking of which, somebody knocked out somebody. I don't know what the fuck I can't remember. They started to blend together. And at the end of the fight after he won, he got his blue belt. He said, yeah, I just got my blue belt and whatever discipline. And I was laughing, going like, you know, something like that's legitimately earning a blue belt as opposed to the blue belt that you get as a fucking accountant rolling around on some mat in a goddamn strip mall. This guy fucking just fought on pay per view and got a blue belt, not even a black belt. I don't know. It was unbelievable. It was just an amazing thing. And I want to thank Joe Rogan once again for totally hooking, hooking me up. I'll thank him from Jim Norton, Club Soda Kenny and everybody else who came out. It was awesome, man. It was awesome. And then seeing Rogan come in, he's so fucking ridiculously good at it. Ask all the questions. You know, you want to hear the answers to and it was great. The only other fighter I had ever been to, I went to a Miguel Cotto fight at Madison Square Garden. And it was a non-title thing. And I didn't know a lot of the guys underneath. And Michael Buffer wasn't doing the announcements. So, you know, they just had one of those old guys. My name is Joe. Welcome to World Famous Madison Square Garden. Back in the day, amazing fights used to happen here. But tonight, you will not see those. I mean, non-titled event. It was awesome, man. It was so I highly recommend it. And if you haven't gotten the pay per view, definitely check it out. Even though I kind of ruined what a couple, I told, you know, I guess it gave the results of a few of them. I really am a dope. Well, fuck you, the air condition is not on here. So anyways, how far into this podcast, damn, I owe 20 minutes, 20 minutes as I sit here eating a little beef jerky people. Remember last week when I told you, when I told you that overrated was working out, underrated eating, right? I'm really starting to look at all this, this, this weightlifting and all that shit, or jumping on the elliptical for a goddamn hour. Yeah, that's great for your joints. It's great for your midsection. You know, for that day, for that week, if you do it, but you pay for it later on in life, you're doing the exact same repetitious movement, exact same movement for an hour, just wearing out your joints, you know? And then you look at guys like fucking James Brown and Prince, who had to fucking get hip replacements from dancing, you're doing the same thing, except you're not making millions of dollars. And there's no hot chick named Catstander behind you is going to suck your dick. So what I'm trying to say people is eat a banana ass from granola and spare your joints. So then you can, you can have in your golden years, you can walk around like in that movie, cocoon, doing like cannonballs and shit. All right, you know something, this is something I'm never going to do on the podcast again, is each spicy fucking beef jerky. Jesus Christ. I love how they try to act like this shit is healthy. 97% fat free. This looks like roadkill. 29 grams of protein like any of these numbers mean anything to me. 8 grams total carbs. So what's the rest of this shit? If it's 21 grams of protein and 8 grams of carbs, according to my math, that's up to 29 grams of something. So that leaves another 70%. Let's look on the back people. 12%. Oh, 33% sodium. Oh, there we go. Oh, okay. Okay. Fat free, but tons of salt. Do you have a goddamn stroke halfway through this? All right, I'm done eating and drinking because I know how fucking obnoxious that is and I actually hate that. So let's plow ahead with the podcast, everybody, shall we? So my fabulous web person wrote me, Bill, not a lot of good advice emails this week. Someone sent, let's see here. Says Bill, last week people, oh, you asked people to support them and whatever they wanted to do. Remember when I talked about that last week? Did you guys miss last week's episode when I was talking about divorce when you get these ladies? And they know they don't have shit to do with their husband's success. They just want the money. So the only thing they come up with is like, I supported him. I supported him. I was like Elvis, you know, when you shake your hips, I think you're really good at that. So evidently that's entitled to millions. So I was trying to say how easy it is to support somebody. You know, I mean, I could see if you were financially supporting them, then I understand that. But if you're just supporting them, like what? Mental support. And then they always, I love how they always act like, you know, I put my career on hold because if I didn't, I would have been Elvis. No, you wouldn't have. You would have had a fucking job in a cubicle. All right. You saw that your husband was going to be a star. Okay. Then you took him for granted. Start eating pecan pie every night at two in the morning. You got a little flabby and he had a wandering eye. That's right. It's all your fault. All right. So I'm supposed to support people. Jesus Christ, it's getting hot in here. Bill, I would like, I just wanted to ask if you could give me your support. I'm hoping to make a DVD porn with me getting head from three trashy broads and then mailing that DVD to all the feminists in the world with a card that says, you know, it's okay to be blown by a few chicks every once in a while. They love it. Any support you could give me would be gratefully appreciated. Oh, absolutely. All this comes from Melbourne, Australia. Well, let me tell you something. I think that you can do it. I think that there are enough whores on that giant, that giant island, a giant, that's giant and island people. Come on. Let me get back to the support here. Okay. Listen, you worked hard for your dick. It's not easy to just be born with one of those things, you know, and you did it. So I think that, you know, when God gives you a gift that you should go out there and you should share it with other people, and God damn it, you should document it. You should make a video and I think you can do it. I just, you know, buy your go down a radio shack, get yourself a camera, find three women who dad didn't stick around. And I think you, I think you should do it. There you go. Now when you sell it for a zillion dollars, I'm going to bitch and say that it was all because of me, not because you had the skill to talk three twats into doing that, which I don't know how you do that. I know how you do it till one. You just gain that trust. You just gain one of them's trust. Then they always say the dumb shit too. You're not going to show this to anybody, are you? Well, yeah, I am. Why else would I be filming it? There's no point of me filming that when I'm going to watch it myself. Yeah, there's that thing that I already experienced my filming myself right now talking to you. I don't need to relive this you dumb bitch. I'm fucking here with you. Of course, I'm going to show it to people. That's not what you say, do you? You say, no, I'm not going to. This is just for my records. It's kind of like when you call up a corporation and they say, you know, just to let you know, we're recording this to ensure quality assurance. There you go. That's what you should say. You get the three girls back there and just say, listen, just to let you know, I'm recording this just to assure quality, quality performance. If you'd like to lick my balls first, press one. All right. Sorry. It's a hecky joke. All right, Bill, you're not crazy. Oh, here's a long ass fucking re-email about oil companies. Everybody who sits there who just fucking believes that's because cars are heavier now and there's standards of safety and, you know, which I totally agree with once you guys showed me how much cars weigh. So I definitely think that that does serve an element of the equation. But what I don't understand is why you people on that side are completely ignoring the absolute heinous behavior of major corporations. Do you know I was watching one the other day about this coal company and I know you're going to say that this is a conspiracy despite the fact that was watching it on the news was I guess when you mine for coal, they have all this coal ash, like that's the waste. There's always some sort of waste, right? So they got to get rid of it. Do they now if they do it the right way, it's going to cost them a zillion dollars. So what do they do? They basically get some sellout scientists to say that the shit is not toxic and it's actually good for the fucking environment and they convince these fucking morons to take I don't know how many fuck like a billion cubic tons of it and put it underneath this brand new golf course that they're building. Okay and all they had and but then they had to be they put it underneath and then those supposed to be like 18 inches of dirt on top of that and then some sort of wall around it so it wouldn't seep into the drinking water. You know, isn't it enough for these cunts the fact that they're going to be able to put it underneath the goddamn golf course? Isn't it enough that they're lying that it's fucking toxic? No, these douchebags they don't even lay down the dirt or put the fucking wall up. They're out on the golf course and you can see it in between the grass. The guy reaches down and it's so evidently they're having all these fucking health problems. It's gone into the drinking water and these poor fucking bastards got to go to some, you know, some parking lot to get their drinking water to their showering water, their bathing water, all of that. Okay. This is just one in a zillion of the heinous things that they've done and you guys 100% and I'd have to look up how much coal makes. Of course, you know, I don't fucking read but I know they're not making as much as oil companies so there's not as much money as at stake. These guys will do something like that but you don't think on any fucking level that a $350 billion industry is pulling back the reins on the gas mileage despite the fact that if they even went up three miles per gallon on every car out there, it would cost them hundreds of millions of dollars. Do you think that they were actually trying to fucking do that? You know, when you look at the airlines, remember when the airlines were bitching that the price of fuel was through the roofs and then they had to start charging for luggage, checked luggage, they started charging for that and then all of a sudden we start paying it and then all of a sudden it drops down to a dollar something a gallon. Did they ever stop charging us for us? Fuck no. Fuck no. They kept it. They kept it and then it starts going back up again and then what do they do? They make it even more fucking expensive for your bags but for some fucking reason, these people, they just don't believe that they would ever fuck with the gas mileage. So this guy writes me this long ass email. I'm going to try to get through this as quickly as I can. All right. He says, "Bill, you're not crazy. Fuck everyone that says you are." They're delusional and naive. I think they're like me. I think that they just read shit on their side. They go to armwright.com. So I'm no better than they are but I appreciate you taking my side. So anyways, this guy actually read a book. So I'm just going to quote him and then declare victory in this argument until someone else writes something for the other side and then maybe I'll believe them. He says there's this book from the 90s called America Who Really Pays Taxes, written by two investigative reporters, Donald Barlet and James Steele. If you want to look it up, Pulitzer Prize winning reporters for the Philadelphia Inquirer. In the book, they tell the story of the great oil strike in the city of Hasa in Saudi Arabia by standard oil company. Yeah, dude, I'm not going to fucking read all this. First of all, there's so many words in here that I can't even fucking pronounce. It's really going to destroy your point. But for the comedy sake of the podcast, you guys want me to give it a shot? All right. I'll give it a shot. All right. Tells the great oil strike in the city of Hasa in Saudi Arabia by standard oil, the standard oil company of California, Chevron and the Texas company, Texaco. The oil field in Hasa is one of the most prolific oil fields ever discovered. Standard oil, which is Exxon now jumped in to get some of the oil and so did mobile oil once the huge oil fields were discovered. No problem with that. No problem with that so far. These American oil companies formed a consortium called the Arabian American Oil Company or Armaco. I don't know. Armaco drilled wells, laid pipelines, built storage tanks, and even built maritime terminals on the coast to load the crude oil to move around the world. No problem with that. Armaco also catered to every whim of the king of Saudi Arabia. They built roads, schools, hospitals, air-conditioned palaces, whatever the fuck the king wanted in order to get access to the oil. Makes sense. It's on their property. You got to pay him something. However, when World War II hit, impacting the oil trade in the king's purse, Armaco arranged for the king to receive wartime assistance from the United States State Department under Roosevelt's Lendalese program. This program was meant for Great Britain in the war against Germany to provide the British citizens with food, money, and arms. Remember that? Well, they were fucking bombing civilians over there in Germany. I mean, Germans were bombing the English. So we were supposed to help them out. So I guess Roosevelt comes up with his Lendalese program to get these poor English people, some food, money, and arms as they sit there getting bombed day and fucking night. So anyways, the way Armaco got around the fact to basically get these funds, that these programs funds were meant for nations, warring against Germany, is that the State Department got Roosevelt to indicate to our government officials and the people that the defense of Saudi Arabia is vital to the defense of the United States. So then they just I guess tapped into that money. The royal family in Saudi Arabia got rich off of this oil field in Haza. After the war, the royal family saw their royalties and oil raised from 3 million in 1939 to 40 million in the late fucking 40s. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, I'm not reading all this fucking shit up. So basically, I don't know that that's the type of shit, right? So we come up with something. You have regular people who are starving, who are getting bombed, whose kids are getting killed. So we want to do something about it. We're going to send money over there and it gets siphoned off by the oil companies to keep paying off this cunt over there in Saudi Arabia. And what ends up fucking happening everybody, huh? Saudi Arabia, from what I've heard, is taking a lot of that oil money and it actually supports terrorism. They just funnel it through the mosques. And I don't think that the big guys give a fuck. You know, I just don't think that they give a shit. And I realize that every kind of energy, there's going to be the waste, just like with the coal and all that type of stuff. But to get coal or to get solar power, that type of shit, we don't have to go over to the Middle East. You know, I would love it if we could just somehow come up with some sort of alternative energy. And then over in Saudi Arabia, all those other places, they would all go broke and there would be no funding for terrorists. I know I'm oversimplifying this, but what the fuck? Ah, Jesus, I probably came off sounding even dumb. I even that even sounded dumb to me. That's all you have to do to solve the Middle East problems everybody. You know what came down to was just too fucking hot to read all of that shit. All right, let's plow it. Let's get to some advice here this week. Bill, hey, Bill, I thought I'd ask you for your opinion on my situation, seeing as though you're like the Oprah for men. No, I'm not fucking giving away. Wait a minute. I don't give away any free shit. I give away a free podcast, but I'm not going to be everybody gets a brand new car. I don't do that shit. But I am. I've never been married and I also have a weird relationship with the dog. Maybe I am like her. Um, I have weight problems. All right. Hey, Bill, I thought I'd ask you for your opinion on my situation, seeing as though you're the Oprah for men. But, uh, but on here, it's useful advice, unlike the unshooted food that spills out of that woman's mouth. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oprah's clean. What are you talking about? She has money to be clean. What do you guys think she eats when she's being fat? What do you think? Do you think it's stereotypical? Do you think she just gets soul food? You know, goes back to her old hood and hugs people, you know, that she grew up with and like, we're so proud of you. We're still broke. Could you help us out? Uh, no, I only build schools in third world countries. It's a lot cheaper. See ya. Um, so anyway, so I've been seeing this girl for a while now, uh, but I want to get past that just friends phase for something more serious. Uh, she says she's ready for something more serious, which is great, but I told her not until she stops flirting with this other guy. She says he's just a friend, but I said bullshit based on some of the conversation I've seen between them. And anytime I try and talk about, about it with her, she gets her tits in a, in a tangle. I doubt knocking the whole bottom row of his teeth out is going to make the situation better, no matter how good it might feel. So I'm wondering how should I give this girl? How should I give this? What? How long should I give this girl to get her act together? I want to be with her, but I can only put up with this bullshit so much. Uh, yeah. Um, dude, fuck this girl. See the red flag that just banger. Just fucking banger. This is the classic girl. You want to bang this girl? Stop giving a fuck that she's talking to this other guy. And then all of a sudden when she's blowing you, don't think she's blowing you because she likes you. That's her own fucked up issue. All right. You don't want to get her. You don't want to get a relationship with some like this. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but she's not ready to get in a relationship. She's still playing the field. Uh, that's the best I could say about her. The worst I could say about her is she's one of these cuts that's going to always be doing that because she gets off on the fact that you're going to be getting upset that she sort of fucking unbuttoned her shirt a little more as the waiter came over to your table. You know, and then what are you going to do? You can't hit her. So you're going to end up punching this other fucking guy in the mouth for what? For doing what? Doing what a guy does tries to bang some hotty. He's behaving how he's supposed to be behaving. He doesn't have a relationship with you. You know, the problem is, is the whore in the middle. Don't get yourself involved in that. She wants to go blow him. Let him let him deal with her because I'll tell you the second she's playing the same game with him. I guarantee it. The second she starts fucking blowing him, she's going to start looking at somebody else. All right. So this is what you do, my friend. Just say, Hey, how are you? How's it going? This is how you mind fucking chick like that. All right. When I say don't try to fuck her anymore. I don't mean go to work or whoever you see in this girl and act like a douche around her start blowing her off and that type of stuff because then you're showing that you care. You care so much that you're spending all this energy not paying attention to her and giving her these bad vibes. Just when you see her, just be like, Hey, how are you? Give her a big hug or whatever. How's it going? And what are you doing this weekend? I'm hanging out with some friends and blah, blah, blah. You know, this weekend isn't good. You know, just get on it. Just give that air that you're getting on with your fucking life and I guarantee you got a great chance of her panties hitting the fucking floor. And then when you bang her, don't be a moron. Don't think that this girl likes you. She doesn't. All right. You don't need that shit. Honestly. You know what I mean? Think about that. This is this is going to be the mother of your kids. And someday your kids going to be like, yeah, how did you eat mommy? Well, you know, she was kind of, you know, fucking, I think given this other guy a hand job on the side, so I was sort of dancing for her attention and like, you know, that country shit she did tonight when I took you all off for pizza, you know, still taking her old titties out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually, when I really think about it, I saw that red flag waving in front of my face 23 years ago when I met her. Yeah, fuck this girl. You got to have some self esteem here. You know, I'm sure she's hot, because that's the only reason why you'd put up with this type of behavior. But come on, man, you don't need that. One of the hardest things out there is to try as a guy is to try to find a good woman. And one of the hardest things for them is to try and find a good guy. And so you got to start off on the right foot. You know what I mean? It's I'm just going to keep saying the same fucking thing over and over again. But this is what she's doing on the way in. And she's making you audition for her pussy. Go fuck yourself. Okay. Go fuck yourself either. You want to come out with me? Well, you don't, but you seem like you're interested in that guy over there. So you don't go suck his dick. I'll be over here my cubicle waiting for a decent respectable woman. That's worthy of my attention to come along. All right, so run along the fucking little booty shorts. That's it. There you go. There's your fucking advice. All right, I hope you take it. All right, overrated and underrated for this week. Underrated bill. How much better underrated? How much better looking people are in rich areas versus poor areas? I moved from a rich suburb of Chicago. I didn't have much money though to a small town that doesn't have doesn't have that much money in the middle of nowhere. When I used to work out at the gym in the rich neighborhood, the moms at the gym were hotter looking than some of the 20 somethings I find going out to the bars in this this small town. The moms would have flat stomachs be tanned and some even had huge fake boobs and wearing tight clothes exposing everything. Jesus Christ dude. You want the set of a real housewife show? Well, down here, if there's a good looking girl at the bar, she has kids and is engaged and just gets loaded for the night like the great parent she is sarcasm. Bill, why is that people with money look so much better than people without money? Jesus Christ, you need me to explain that? All right, government checks. They don't give those out so you can get fucking fake titties. Yeah, because yeah, if you got money, you can look good. You know, usually have health insurance. You can keep your teeth clean. If they need to be straightened, you can get them straightened. You can better cut a meat. You live in high on the hog. People are down there eating fucking piggy or sandwiches. You know, sticking a fucking goddamn goat's foot in the stew to give it some flavor. Right? These other guys, they're eating flank steaks and cube steaks. These fucking rich people though, they're eating like Kobe beef veal. They go into the spa, they're getting treatments. Come on, man. I have to explain this to you. Well, let me ask you this. What happened to you? What happened? Did you have a falling out with your rich parents that you moved out of your rich area and went to a poor area? You know, are you just in your college years and like around your dorm area? There's, you know, are you going to Columbia? Is that what it is? Columbia's like in the middle of Harlem, isn't it? It always amazes me. There was an Ivy League school and then like you'd walk off campus and like old dirty bastard, an unknown old dirty bastard would be standing there, you know? The pants hanging off his ass with some shit, you know? I always find that fucking fascinating. It is hot as hell in this fucking goddamn room here. I gotta wrap this up. I gotta go on. It's only 43 minutes. I can't wrap it up. People can't wrap it up. It's the 4th of July. Huh? You guys getting hammered? Is that what you're doing? You got me playing on your fucking boom box? But a bud like it. All right. Here we go. Here's some YouTube videos for the week. I already sent one out. There's this one. Actually, I Twittered this. Are you people following me on Twitter? Are you? I'm on the Twitter everybody I gave in. I always said I wouldn't do it. But then again, I said I wouldn't be on Facebook either. And then again, I also said that cars don't weigh as much as cars weighed back in the 70s. So I really don't think I have any goddamn credibility at this point, which I have to tell you, it's really freeing. I'm on Twitter now. And I Twitter all the fucking time. I'm not really, but just get on it. Okay. I actually recommended this YouTube video. It's the AC DC made a documentary about the show they did down in Argentina. And the fans down in Argentina are so fucking insane. I'm actually embarrassed to call myself a fan of AC DC. There's people in nuts. Like the amount of people that had like Angus, this guy had like a fucking Angus young tattoo. It went from his goddamn shoulder down to his elbow. And there was like three of four guys with tattoos like that. Another guy all the way across his back, he had AC DC written. Their classic logo. I mean, it was so big you could have hung this guy off the upper deck as like a banner. That's how big AC DC was written on across his back. And like the passion that these people had for their music and they go out there and they know every word to every single song. They played like doggy dog. Second song first side off the Let There Be Rock album. A lot of people don't know that song unless you're hardcore. The whole stadium knew the song. And it's not one of those concerts where the lead singers, you know, it's got to, you know, get everybody to clap their hands. They were already doing it. The whole place. It's like fucking 80,000 people in unison. In unison just going absolutely fucking apeshit. And then in the end, when they walk out, they, I guess they wrote some AC DC song, some song about how much they love AC DC. And they all walk out singing it. This original song that they came up with about how much they love AC DC. Like, you know, like when they when they go to those soccer games, which is one of the coolest fucking things I think about international soccer, which is why the American version just sucks is they have all these songs and they're singing during the games. And it just, it sounds like it's weird. It sounds like it's from another time. It gives you like goosebumps. If you're a true sports fan, they kind of came up with like, it's almost like a soccer fight song about like AC DC. And they walk out singing it. And I got like chills watching it. And then just thinking that I thought I was fucking going nuts when I saw them at the forum a couple years ago on their tour. And I realized that they probably were standing up there going, ah, the fucking states. People are so goddamn lame. Look at them standing there, one hand in his pocket, only one hand doing the devil horns. Really? I didn't realize what was out there. And I actually ran into somebody, not the name drop here. I'm not even gonna say the name. Somebody came out to our show up in Seattle. And I was talking to him about, I was talking to him about the, that documentary. And he goes, Oh yeah, he goes pretty much rock fans around the globe are better than the ones in, in America in the United States. Evidently, we're like really spoiled and we don't give a fuck and we're very fickle. We're like, you know, over in Europe, like why, when Y and T puts out a new album, they'll actually buy it and know the words and be like totally fucking into it. But then again, they also love David Hasselhoff. So I don't, I don't really know how to, how to frame that. All I can tell you is that I've been to some great concerts, but I have never seen anything like what I saw during this documentary down in Argentina. Like the next time ACDC tours, I think I will fly down to Argentina if I got the money to go down there and see a fucking show. And with my luck, I'll just end up getting kidnapped. And I'll be on that fucking show arrested abroad, you know, talking about how I had to stick my iPod up my ass or some fucking thing and turn it into a key and get myself out of a bamboo cage. You ever watched that arrested abroad? That'll make you never want to go outside of this country. Or at the very least, as a white guy, it just makes you want to go to places where there's other white guys running shit, which brings me to my European tour, everybody. I got all the links up. I got them all up. I am starting October 16th. All right. I'm doing my own little fucking rock star tour right through London, England. And I'm going all the way through Scandinavia. I am going to the, the, the fucking, the fountain of youth, ground zero of fucking white people where it all started. All the evil and all the good stuff we've done. We've come up with a lot of good stuff, haven't we? Choo-choo trains and aeroplanes on oil companies and the cash system in India, slavery kind of capital. I actually slavery is, I guess everybody did that. Didn't they? Didn't everybody do that? I think white people, I just to stick up for white people here as a Caucasian, I don't think that we're the most evil people on the planet. I just think we're the best at it. You know, we're like the Michael Jordan's of evil. If you actually know what, I'll tell you something. If I actually got back into reading, like I always joke on this podcast that I don't read, I just, I go through periods of reading. And when I do read, I voraciously read and I get fascinated. Like I read a book about Winston Churchill and Gandhi, like I'll read shit like that because I find it fascinating. And then also it really helps my stand up back with like just references that you can pull out of nowhere. Like I kind of stumbled across something now, but I think I'm getting lazier with the internet now because so many questions can be semi answered by going to a Wikipedia or just doing a Google search. So I don't read as much as I wish I did. But I was somehow looking up something, classic internet thing, you know, I you're reading about sailing and the next thing, you know, you know, two clicks of a mouse and you're reading about war crimes in World War II. And the fuck was I looking? Human experimentation is what I somehow got into. And it had to do with just how many governments have been guilty of that. Of infecting their people with something just to see how they reacted to it. The only thing I got out of it was, you know, if you're ever going to go and get yourself get the what do they call it? The anecdote or whatever you go out and you get your shot so you don't get it. What the fuck is that called again? Why do I keep thinking venom? My brain is junk. What do you call it? The the anti something or other? I don't know. All I know is whenever they when they have like the the fuck is it? You go out and get a polio shot. So you don't get polio. And then there's a little bit of polio in it. The vaccination. There we go. Do you know what it's like people to be as dumb as I am when you basically play the $50,000 pyramid with yourself? Where you're both asking the fucking you're giving the clues to yourself and trying to guess the answer? It's fucking unreal. I literally have that's how I have to remember shit. Now I have to walk my way through it. I just I just have to start brainstorming and throwing shanty body a serum vaccination that let's go with America in 1980s for 200. So anyways, I ended up coming across this. I read a book a long time ago called The Rape of Nan King just reading some of the shit that the Japanese did to the Chinese and they had this other fucking thing. I forget what the I had a number to it. It was just some sort of camp that they had where they just did experiments on like Koreans Chinese and then some prisoners of war and they infected them with stuff and they just did all this fucking horrific stuff. I don't know why I read about it. I don't know why I do it. It's a we I find it fascinating like I was watching a thing about this serial killer big-head something or other from Burbank, California just watching all this shit that this guy did and I got to tell you something about it. Is anybody else done that? I've done this sort of done this as a joke on stage. You ever watch this shit on serial killers and they start talking about maybe like the top five characteristics of the serial killer and you have like the first three out of four you can relate to and it just sort of creeps you out like I was watching this guy's childhood and the amount of overlap I swear to God there's a fork in the road where you either decide to become a comedian or a fucking serial killer. You know obviously I never tortured animals or shit like that but just like isolated a loner violent thoughts and we just write down the fucking list. I had them all. This is really gonna come back to bite me in the ass of ever go to court. Jesus Christ what the fuck was that? Sorry I can't laugh into the mic here. Anyways I was watching how this douchebag's mom treated him as a kid and there was so many parallels to the mistakes I made with my dog. I can't even explain it like he just fucking they she knew he was a psycho so then rather than getting him help she would lock him in the basement and let him sleep down there at night by himself as he's alone with his thoughts. It's not like I did stuff like that with my dog but it was just more like every step that she did thinking she was helping the problem she was just making it worse which is what I did with my pit bull before I actually got educated and was able to turn it around and by the way people I know I haven't talked about Cleo in a while. She is like 90% there. She does everything but just roll over on her you know showing her stomach when someone comes in the house now. It's awesome. I got her to the point I can walk down the street you know occasionally she'll you know she'll bark but the second I give her the look she just immediately stops sits down and faces the opposite direction of the person or thing that she barked at. Then I swear to God all of it has to do with me. It has nothing to do with her. It has to do with all the training this guy gave me on how to handle myself how to handle the dog. I'm confident now I'm relaxed and the fucking dog is chilled totally chilled out so the last thing I have to do is just deal with like when company comes over if it's somebody she hasn't met before she'll bark for like you know it takes me about maybe 20 seconds 25 seconds to calm her down and then that's it she just lays down and she's totally cool and I can actually have people come over watch the game now. Dude I got to a point June of last year where I was afraid to take her outside and I was walking down the stairs afraid and not realizing that the dog was picking up those vibes like I'm walking down the stairs going oh fuck oh fuck and the dog's like oh fuck what oh fuck what you know not realizing I was feeding into it like when people would come up to her I would I would stand between them and the dog which is another bad thing to do everything I did was wrong I would stand between me and the dog I mean the person and my dog I would stand right in between and that's literally like you know when you're in a bar with your douche friend and he starts you know looking at some guy and you start holding him back now that you're holding him back and he knows is like he starts screaming over at the other guy literally that's exactly how the dog would act um so this guy told me he goes yeah you don't want to block the dog or else they'll do that so once you have the information then it becomes this long journey of having the fucking confidence in the belief in your own ability that if the dog were to lunge you could actually do something so the problem is is then you go through that period where you're not standing between you're not blocking the dog but you're nervous because you're not blocking the dog and then the dog picks up on it and then you know goes to lunge at the person and they they fucking think they're gonna die but fortunately he showed me with the leash how to do shit but I don't know so anyway so I'm watching this shit on this this serial killer and every fucking move this lady made it just was reminding me of it now she's sticking them down to the basement that's not what you want to do look at me acting like I can cure a fucking serial killer is it is it this hot in the goddamn room all right we got some more YouTube videos let's go through here young Jimmy Page on TV I've seen this one before if you want to see Jimmy Page in the late 50s I believe when he's like 16 years old or 15 years old deleted scene from it might get loud I was gonna say I saw that Jimmy Page thing on in that that thing that movie it might get loud most deaf live in Paris there's something else here says dog I really have to start being better about the podcast about watching these things because I don't know I get fucking busy here I was just you know it is like this podcast is all about when I feel like I'm feeling like I'm gonna be funny and then I just fucking jump into it and I do it I just fly by the seat in my pants and I gotta start doing a little more prep here all right here's one for you we're gonna bring back a topic despite the fact that I dropped this topic because people told me that Daniel Tosh does something like this on Tosh. Point oh this person actually asked a great this is I'm bringing back is it racist racist racist racist I'm bringing this topic back by the way I worked I worked with Daniel Tosh on Wednesday this past week down to Wiltern Theatre for the the Greg Geraldo benefit and Jesus Christ that guy is a fucking beast absolutely fucking hilarious uh he might have had the set of the night and then everybody down there was uh was a headliner in their own right and I want to thank everybody who came down but Daniel Tosh was fucking hilarious um I don't know you guys think that I say some mean shit and I'm able to get away with it you got to see that guy man it's it's just it's every time I see him and he always has like new jokes and shit you definitely if you get a chance definitely check that guy out and uh and with that I evidently I want to do one of the bits from his show um is it racist all right Bill I love the podcast consistently hilarious turn on some friends and brothers to it I really appreciate that anybody who listens to this please tell your friends about it um anyways here's my is it racist thing and elderly white neighbor neighbor lady came over and asked my wife if she wanted this leftover rice obviously from takeout and she said maybe you can use it to make some fried rice or something my wife who is korean oh jesus was cordial but later said it kind of pissed her off here's the kicker she did end up making fried rice out of it is it is this racist uh thanks um oh man this is one of these ones that it it it's not racist it's it walks the line of unnecessary slash offensive you know what I mean it's you know she answered the question by actually turning it into fried rice and I gotta be honest with you I've never understood the food thing why the food thing is racist I could see if you say people are dumb you know all those classic clan things where they say certain people aren't fucking human they you know fucking your part whatever like that but the food thing I never got I never understood it um I don't get why if you say what I think it's it's always just the way you say it like look at french people are called frogs because eat frog legs the Germans were called the crowds sour crowd right there's always like something about food that people flip out about yeah I gotta tell you it's really fucking weird to have extra rice and just be like you know what I bet the Korean lady across the street would like it I think that might be an example of a white person trying to be I'm assuming the person's white trying to be like uh they think they're doing a good thing like oh we have extra rice let's give it what what about the Korean lady let's show that we know something about her culture so I just think it's uh it's it's really bizarre um but I don't think that they for it to be racist like I always said it it has to be like your intent like if they did it because that they were trying to be like here you go you're rice eating son of a bitch then yeah that that is uh then it would be racist but if they're just doing the classic you know white person just not knowing you know what I mean like we have the reputation for doing shit like that like we were trying but we just don't know and then the great thing is how other races act like they know everything about white people which they don't despite how many episodes of family ties you know like I actually saw that there was this website there was something I look it up it's called what white people do and I believe it was written by some black girl and she's basically making fun of white people but if you if you look at it she's really making fun of hipsters in Brooklyn she's making fun of the white people around her and she's she's basically lumping all white people like this is what they do this is what they do they're really into taking uh what did she say what the fuck was it uh taking time off to find themselves or some shit like that and uh you know I don't know my friends we grew up yeah we didn't take time off to find ourselves we we were uh you know we were drunks took time off we didn't take time off to find ourselves we flunked out of college that's what we did that was our or we fucked up we found ourselves in high school by doing so bad in high school that we didn't go to college you know um anyways I ain't what the fuck I'm doing here let's plow head so I wouldn't say it was racist I think it's it's just it's ignorant that would just be ignorant they they think that they're doing this great thing you know and their defense would probably be something equally as ignorant like well what they eat it all the time um so yeah I wouldn't say that it's racist but yeah people listen to the podcast it's probably not a good thing even if you're respecting the fact that there's people starving around the world um you know I could see if you always bring over extra food no you know something that's fucked up what you guys can't afford rice the more I'm looking at this who the fuck would do that you're gonna eat my leftover rice like what are we fucking animals over here but the thing is she did it you know what I don't know I don't know that could go either way I think that was one of those ones I'd have to be there I'd have to know a little bit a little bit about that the lady across the street and I'd have to hear how she said it but I would have given anything to listen to your wife going like you believe those sons of bitches coming over here give me this goddamn rice you know as she's taking out the fucking uh what how what what the fuck you make fried rice in um did you laugh when she actually cooked it up that's one of those weird things you got to watch out you get to watch when you laugh um all right here we go oh last week by the way when I was talking about that Chris Brown thing when they were trying to get him in trouble there for uh saying y'all to get you y'all n-words a gay and they didn't give a shit that he said the n-word the gay group there uh some black guy wrote in I wish I saved it and he said like bill for the love of god I'm a black guy you can say the n-word in that context it wouldn't bother me so he basically gave me the green light to say it which was weird to me you know telling me you know like a third base coach go ahead steal home I don't give a fuck you know so I just wrote him back n-word please what are you gonna do when I say it and then I get in fucking trouble you gonna be there and be like I'm the black guy that said it was okay I gave him one free n-word um all right hey plus not to mention you know you know I'm with Nia I don't think I want to you know she hears it out of context just hears me yell that out in the other fucking room I don't really want to have that fight you know as I come off like uh bill did you have a change of heart are you watching Mississippi burning what's going on in there okay hey bill love the podcast um oh here's some advice I'm going to end on this uh love the podcast anyways I recently lost oh this is really interesting I recently lost 63 pounds and I got to say I'm looking pretty good good for you good for you congratulations uh she said right after my divorce a few years ago I started hanging out with the co-worker and had a big crush on him but he always flirted with the skinny girls he moved out of town and just recently came back now that I'm in shape he's calling me and texting and flirting I can't blame him for not wanting to be with me when I was fat but now I feel like telling him he shouldn't have been so shallow I feel like uh I'll be demeaning myself if I hook up with him now what do you think um all right obviously you have you you you I understand your concerns but you got to put yourself in his position here all right let me ask you this now that you're divorced and you're you're looking to get another guy you know hopefully better than your first guy when you picture this guy is he 63 pounds overweight be honest with yourself you know if you had to think of your dream guy you know what I mean at some point you have to take responsibility of the fact that you were 63 pounds overweight and god bless you you went out and you did something about it so I don't know this guy so I'm not gonna I'm not gonna give this the green light because for all I know this guy's a douche but I would just say try to have an honest moment with yourself and think how much of this is this other guy you think that he's shallow and how much of this is that you're afraid that you're gonna put this weight back on again that despite the fact that you did it and you showed how strong you are as a person you took this 63 pounds off there's that thing in the back of your head where you're kind of nervous that you know what if uh what if I dealt what if I put it back on again this is what I say you do all right I would read up on nutrition that's that's what you should do I don't know how you lost the 63 pounds but I can tell you right now if you did like the fucking South Beach diet or all these fat diets eventually you know you're gonna want to have a sandwich and it's all about you know I got a buddy of mine takes off weight puts it back on takes it off puts it back on and he's always doing those kinds of kinds of diets you know I'm not gonna name his name okay but he says stuff like dude you know man I'm on the fucking cookie diet dude my dude I eat nothing but cookies dude you know he does that type of shit and all you got to do you got to read up on nutrition if you read up on nutrition then you know how to have a balanced diet and uh and you'll be able to keep the weight off and you know I'm telling you and this is something that I finally fucking learned you know and it's not like I learned it I always knew it I always knew you got to eat right and have a balanced diet but who fuck wants to do that it's like this morning I went down I got a breakfast I knew what I should have done I should have ordered the steel cut oatmeal what did I do yeah let me get the three eggs scrambled with some cheddar cheese uh fucking weak toast and uh let me get some bacon too of course it comes with the potatoes fire all that down my fucking mouth right down to my goddamn throat right stupid move stupid move I should have had the steel cut fucking oatmeal and then just gone for a walk that's what I should have done and I didn't so I'm telling you so now I got to go to the gym and beat the shit out of my joints and ligaments and all that type of stuff when really if I just had a fucking bowl of oatmeal so what I would do is just realize the fact that you're a fucking you know you're good looking now you drop the 63 pounds just read up on nutrition and just get totally fucking into that then you won't have to worry about that shit and you maybe maybe you can tell this guy to go fuck himself but I got to tell you if you're good looking people are going to be attracted to you so you're always going to be dealing with that but um I don't know why don't I just keep saying the same fucking thing over and over again um all right I think that might that's the podcast for this week what are we up to here look at that right in the oh hour and ten minutes Jesus Christ these things are getting too fucking long um and with that that's the podcast for this week everybody uh just to let you know I added some new dates um I'm going to try to run through them real quickly where I'm going to be at I don't have the exact dates just go to billbird.com go to the mm podcast.com uh the official fan page to watch all the uh all the youtube videos get involved in the discussions of the podcast blah blah blah blah um this month I'm going to be at the San Jose improv I'm going to be at the improv in Irvine California and I'm going to be doing the Montreal comedy festival with Bobby Kelly and Joe DeRosa and we're going to be showing our short film cheat up there if you guys want to come out and check it out I have all the links right up on my home page and uh in August I'm at the zenys in Nashville the stress factory in New Jersey that's the last two weekends in August and uh what September I'm at the Wiltern Theatre in Boston Massachusetts and then I got my European tour in October and uh that's it billbird.com that is the podcast for this week I hope I made you guys laugh stick it out in the jobs you hate have a good week go fuck yourselves and I will talk to you next week