Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the NHL Finals, The Goodbye Girl, gas prices in the 70′s
[inaudible] Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, June 12th, 2011. How's it going? I got fuzz in the damn microphone. Um, yeah, why, why do I keep doing these by myself? I have the star spangled banners in my fucking head because the NBA finals and the NHL finals have, have never been on the same night. And I've been watching all of them. So that's all I've been hearing every fucking night, Oh, say can you see? And then when you watch the fucking NHL finals, you also get, Oh, can I do? Glorious and free, maple syrup and hockey and some fucking caribou. The Alaskan pipeline and fucking people who think they're from France, um, just every fucking night and, uh, you know, starting to fuck with me. Can you guys tell that I have absolutely nothing prepared for this week? Nothing funny to say. Um, I don't, I got nothing, it's a minute 23 and, and I'm ready to pull the fucking plug because I got too much shit to do. I'm actually recording this on a Sunday afternoon, a beautiful, beautiful Sunday, sunny Sunday afternoon. Did you go to church bill? Oh, Jesus, uh, no, I did not, although when I was out in the forest, I got to tell you when I, last week, when I thought I was going to get eaten by a bear, I did pray to a higher power. And I know what a lot of people right now, a lot of you, Jesus freaks out there, a lot of you people who are into the old J star are probably like, yeah, see, see, you believe, you believe, um, I believe in higher power. Yes, absolutely. But I don't believe in the, in, in, uh, the stories. I don't think he's ever talked to anybody. That's, I think that's what I believe. You know, like today I was in the car and my girl was bugging me and I said to her, you know what? You're really making me want to slap you in the face. You notice she's hell bent on fucking painting the goddamn apartment. I don't know why. All right. And I have to do a benefit tonight and then I have to go fucking go straight to the airport and take a red eye to Chicago coming in a day early because I got some friends out there and they've got some ice time somewhere and you know, why not? I'll fucking come in a day early, play a little hockey, continue my Peter Pan lifestyle. So of course she's just like, I want to paint the living room. We have to get this done. We got to get drop cloths. We got to get some paint. Yada fucking Yada, right? So where does she go? I go, all right. Where, where are we going? Where are we going? And she's like, we have to go to Home Depot, all right, which I fucking hate Home Depot. I can't stand it, all right, with their 900 foot ceilings and their two employees that they have there. And you finally run into one and it's like, you know, first of all, you go in the fucking place and that same feeling I had when I walked into the forest where I was like all alone and I didn't know what the fuck was going to happen. That's what you feel like when you go into these, these super stores as they call them. And then you walk in there when you finally fucking find somebody, you know, oh, that's not my department. I just do window shades, you know, back in the day when you walked into a hardware store, the fucking person knew the whole goddamn store. First of all, because it was only the size of, I don't know, I don't know, of store. And I know all you guys out there who get on your knees and slurp the corporate cock are going to tell me, well, you didn't have as many selections. Go fuck yourself. All right. Swallow the load and kill yourself because though the old school hardware stores, they were better. You walk in, there was some grumpy guy there and you'd be like, yeah, I need a fucking widget at a fucking shower curtain rink and he'd look up, you know, from some shit he was whittling on. He'd tell you exactly where the fuck it was and he continued whittling as he cornered his eye. He looked at you. As you went in the wrong direction, down, up, on the bottom, there we are on the bottom. You're one of those guys. Now you got all those douche bags out there, right? People work at Home Depot, basically people who couldn't get a job at the Apple store. You know, they couldn't get one of those genius T-shirts and now they get an orange apron and then they just stand around, you know, looking at their nails. I don't know what. So anyways, we get down to this fucking place and as we're driving there, all right, evidently whatever paint she wants to get, I wasn't involved in this fucking decision, you know. Um, whatever the brand is, we're on our way over there, which I really don't have time to do. She goes, oh my God, I hope they have, you know, Eddie Rabinowitz's eggshell fucking robin egg white, whatever the fuck she was talking about. And immediately my head, I'm like, why didn't you call ahead? Why didn't you call ahead? So what do you think happened, everybody? What do you think happened when we went into the fucking monstrosity that is Home Depot with their 40,000 fucking different selections? Guess what they didn't have the Eddie Rabinowitz robin egg fucking blue goddamn coffee cream, whatever the fuck it was called. They didn't have it. So immediately I get pissed. So she looks for a silver lining, well, I think I dropped cloth. Um, so then we go to get out of this, some shit I didn't have fucking time to do anyways. And she wants me to stop McDonald to go get a fucking lemonade frozen frisbee or whatever the fuck drink they have there. And I'm like, no, I'm not doing it. I don't have time. So of course she starts pouting. So what do I do? I give in like a fake. I give in, you know, and I was sitting there in the goddamn fucking line. And you know, McDonald's is hilarious now, evidently they're trying to go healthy. I think the biggest loser is really starting to fuck with these fast food places because all these fatties are finally realizing, Oh, really? I can't have three 7,000 calorie triple double cheeseburgers with bacon on it. Evidently that's the reason why I have this slab of shit that's covering my knees at this point. Forget about my genitalia. I think the biggest loser. I think that they've actually had an effect because I went there and you could actually get like a walled off salad or some shit. Some salad with like an apple in them, which was hilarious because you know it sucks. It's still somehow. And then they had like some low fat yogurt with it. As long as McDonald's is doing it, it's somehow still going to come out to about 9,000 calories. So what the fuck was my point here? It's talking about slapping her in the face. Oh, that's why I said I'm a slapping the face. Ah, Jesus Christ, I was going somewhere with this. The fuck was I talking about? How did I get into this? It's talking about going in the woods. Ah, Jesus. You know what, I don't even fucking remember. I'm such a long winded jackass. What the fuck was I talking about? There's something about slapping her in the face and then I didn't do that, and that tied into some other shit that I can't fucking remember. Ah, fuck, what do I try? Oh, it's talking about church, right? Why I don't believe? Oh, that's right. That's right. Church. There we go. We're back on track, everybody. We're back on track. So I said, I'm going to, I really feel like slapping you in the face. This is when we were on the way of the McDonald's, and she goes, you know, obviously looking at him, looking at me like, don't do that. So I go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to slap Jesus instead because she's into rosaries, you know, and she has it hanging from the fucking rearview mirror of our stupid Prius. So I'm going to, I'm going to slap Jesus anyway. So he's sitting there on the cross, of course, always in that moment. Look what I did for you, right? So I just fucking slap him right on the cross and he flies back and forth. So she starts giving me shit. Don't slap Jesus, right? And yeah, that's what I just kind of said, you know, do you really think that this happened that God, you know, took out his giant fucking higher being dick came into this fucking Petri dish, the size of a jacuzzi, right? And then took out some sort of syringe and artificially inseminated, uh, what's her face there? Jennifer was it? Was that his mom's name? All right. Do you really think that happened? It didn't. It didn't happen. Am I saying there's not a higher power? No. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying all these fucking stories that they're telling you are them that made up. This guy did, you know, we came out of a womb that was never in banged and then he died for you. And the only way to get into heaven is if you do what we say and give us some money. I mean, how fucking dumb are you if you go into that shit? I can't help you. I can't fucking help you. But if you want to talk about a higher power, I definitely believe in that ship, but none of us know what it is. I don't believe. I don't, I don't fucking know. I don't know where you go. I don't know what happens, but, uh, neither does anybody else cause you read it in a book. What happens when you die? Who wrote it? Who exactly wrote it? How dumb do I sound right now to all you Jesus freaks? You all rolling your eyes as you write with your feathered pen to punish yourself for some bullshit that you did. Here's something for you. I don't believe in ghosts either. All right. We're just going to go right down the line of shit that I don't believe in. I don't believe in Jesus and I don't believe in ghosts. But I got to admit this, some sort of paranormal shit been going on in my fucking apartment lately. All right. We went on vacation. We came back and all our forks are missing except for two of them. You know, and on two different occasions I've been playing guitar. I get up out of my little fucking play pen area slash office and I walk in to talk to Nia and then I come back and my settings are different on my fucking amp. So I think considering that the ghost stole my forks and is fucking with my amps, there's only one logical conclusion that this spirit died at a scorpion's concert. That's what happened. All right. And only heavy metal fans got that. Remember that? That song there's no one like you and the guy had the forks in his eyes. Remember that shit? I think that that's what's going on. So I'm going to be on the next season of ghost hunters and I'm going to sit in there with some douchebag with the video camera yelling at the ghost. You have exactly four minutes to show yourself. Have you ever seen that? Have I talked about that? I'll ridiculous that fucking show ghost hunters is those fucking idiots sit around yelling at the guy. They always for somehow, first of all, they always know the ghost name and they'll just be sitting there yelling at the ghost like threatening like threatening this spirit that evidently is is hanging out in a kitchen for all eternity. You know, Maggie, we know you're here. All right. We're getting sick of this. You've got four minutes to show yourself we're packing up all our equipment. All right. What do you think Maggie's thinking? Well, do it. I don't give a fuck. This is the most entertaining shit ever sitting here frustrating you guys. I'll flicking in the air. My little ghost fingers on the way up. You guys believe in ghost. Do you believe in that shit? I was actually watching some fucking channel. I can't remember the names of anything. It's called like Paiola or something. Pirelli. That's a tire. They have all these fucking unplugged sets by these bands. That's my computer making all that noise. And I was watching one, you know, when you get to be old like me, you just lose touch with modern music. But there's bands that you just you keep hearing that fall out boy and I'll fuck you while you young people. Oh my God. That's like 2000, whatever. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying they blend in. So one of them was my morning jacket. All right. Now when I grew up, no one would name a band my morning jacket. All right. Name it something that had to do with Satan or else I wasn't going to listen to it. So whenever I heard my morning jacket, that just sounded like, you know, it was going to be like that Jack Johnson's kind of stuff, you know, that shit that like women and hippies like. So I never listened to it, you know, I just thought it was going to be more like that fall out boy like that whining crying. Remember like the last 10 years that emo shit where where was that song that I made fun of that one week? We will be victorious. Does that sound like you're going to win anything? That sounds like you already lost and you're walking home crying to your mom and you just talking shit because you're too fucking embarrassed knowing you lost. So I assumed that they were kind of like that and I don't know man. I watched if they're unplugged that they were fucking unbelievable and I want to download some of their shit. All right legally. So let me know how's the latest album because there was somebody else who was on like leaky Lee was on before it and I watched her shit and I loved it and then I listened to it on iTunes and I was like, ah, the unplugged shit sounded way better. Sure shit was like singing through all this distortion stuff I have, which I can't stand after a while, you know, it's like bitch just sing the goddamn song, okay, stop sounding like you're fucking, I'm listening to it three floors above you. You know, if you're going to do some shit like that, do it the way Jimmy Page did it and I felt like I was on acid, you know, how he used to do that shit and he would have it, back in the day you would listen to albums on headphones and bands knew it and they knew you were on drugs and they used to try to enhance the experience. That's how great rock used to be. Okay, that's how into drugs they were. They knew you were on drugs. So they would make album and they were on drugs and they would make albums that would make being on drugs feel better and they used to do shit where they would, they would whatever they'd have some sort of, some sort of effect going on and they would, they would make it go from the left side to the right side, just your speakers, but when you had headphones on it felt like it passed through your goddamn head. It's tremendous. I don't know, I don't know what the fuck they do. They yell into a bull horn throughout the whole fucking concert into a microphone like that. That's the best you can do. Who does that shit? You know, does that all the time? Is that guy Scott Weiland? Is that his name? The guy from STP, velvet revolver. He's big into that, singing through the fucking bull horn as he walks around in his Nazi super model outfit. Anyway, this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. Are you a new listener? I hope you are. I hope we continue to grow this podcast. I do one of these every goddamn week and people send me questions. They ask for advice. They send me lists of underrated overrated. We talk about YouTube fucking videos that we like. I curse a lot because I don't read them not intelligent. All right, speaking of YouTube videos, which I keep forgetting to talk about. I got a bunch at this point. Here's one you got to watch. These are all, by the way, all of these can be viewed exclusively at the mmpodcast.com. First off, I did another tour of, you know, those videos I make where I do like the tours of Los Angeles and show you different parts of LA. Actually, I did one in New York City and we just put that up. So we'll have that on the mm podcast page and do you remember when I was sick a few weeks ago and I felt like shit and all that? This video was shot the day that I was getting sick. Notice when I'm on the subway, when I'm walking down there, look at the flop sweat on my giant forehead as I'm starting to get sick. We got that. And here's a video that has since blown up, which pisses me off because I've been meaning to talk about this one for a month. There's one a video called fan escapes. I don't know if I talked, I don't think I talked about this one yet. It's basically some kid in an Astros game. He jumps out of the stands, runs across right field, gives a great head fake to a security guard, breaks his ankles. He goes up and over the wall, he just and just fucking amazing. He basically climbs up the stadium and runs out the back of it. And as far as I know, he got away and I would love a lot of Europeans to watch this who think every American's a fat fuck. You should see this guy. This guy does like, but a good four, five pull ups and climbs up out of a stadium from basically center field. It's amazing. So definitely check that one out. There's another good one out there that was watching called basically how to talk to cops. And this one's funny because the people who actually are doing it are actually complete dirtbags, but they know their rights probably because they've been getting arrested their entire life. And it's really fascinating. I saw this video a long time ago about how many rights you give up when the cops pull you over simply because you don't, you don't know the law and they just ask you questions. Like in this video, the guy goes, because the guy was videotaping the cop, he comes over, he goes, what are you videotaping me for? He goes, can I see that camera, please? Now most people, 90% of people would be like, yes, officer, here you go. Because you're, you don't want to get arrested. This guy was like, no. And the cop goes, why can't I have the camera? He goes, ah, because it's mine and you need a search warrant. And he just started rattling off this shit and the cops just like, ah, fuck. He knows the real, I don't know if he knows, he's a search warrant, but you know, he needs probable cause. I'm videotaping. It's illegal. It's not illegal to videotape and he just, he stonewalls the guy and he goes, and I'm on my property. You're actually on my property. Get off my property, please. And every time he says the shit, you're like, oh my God, he comes to beat down, but it never fucking happens. But who's kidding? No. The only reason why it goes down like this is because there's witnesses. There's too many people standing around because if this guy tried this shit in the middle of nowhere with the cop, the video camera would be up his ass and he would also be facing some sort of charges of assaulting the police officer because the police officer sprained one of his fingers when he shoved the camera up his ass. At least that's been my experience. What are the YouTube videos? Let me make sure I read all of these. Let me show you all of these before I move on to the next topics here. Ah, for Christ's sake. Where the fuck are the other YouTube videos? Oh, this is a good one. I think we actually did this one a long time ago. Boyfriend, fuck you. You have to do that shit when you hit on a girlfriend. She let you hit on a girlfriend. You hit on some girl and she lets you do it for 10 minutes and then brings up her boyfriend. This guy does the reaction that you want to do. It's called Boyfriend, fuck you. And then we got some music ones here, Crossroads Festival, Steve Winwood, Eric Clapton, Steve Jordan, my favorite drummer and Derek Trucks. Um, what else do we got here? Mark Knopler. I haven't even looked at these. I've been so goddamn busy. We've got some music ones this week. And what the fuck was the other one? Oh, I know what I wanted to talk about. You guys, do you have a guilty pleasure movie that you watch that you would be unbelievably embarrassed that other people would know that any time you see it, you definitely watch it. This is mine. It's actually called the Goodbye Girl, which is arguably one of the gayest fucking movies of all time. All right. But what I love about it, the reason why I like it is because it's Richard Dreyfus' first big role and I'm a big Richard Dreyfus fan and I just love it because you see a guy seizing the opportunity that he's got this role and he just, he just goes all out. It's a total fucking chick flick or whatever, but I don't know. He's always funny to me in the amount of shit that he has to do in the movie that I would be embarrassed to do when he pulls it off is why I always end up watching the movie. But and I never watch it from beginning to end. I always catch it at some point plus I'm a sucker for any movie that's shot in New York and I get to see what New York used to look like. So that's another reason why I love watching that movie and it's just a great movie on a lot of different levels. There's another level where the only people of color in that movie play muggers like you really see what the fuck Spike Lee is complaining about when you fucking see. It's like it's so like how white they make New York is unbelievable. It's just wall to wall fuck everybody's white. And then at one point the lady gets a grocery stolen. So Richard Dreyfus runs after this carload of people and out of the car jumps like two Puerto Ricans and a black guy and they get fucking Afros and knives. All of a sudden it turns into death wish this chick flick for like half a second. It's completely unnecessary in the plot of the movie other than to just remind white people to be racist. But that's not what I wanted to talk about in that movie. What really interests me in that movie is I mentioned a zillion times as I drive a Toyota Prius and when I drive it properly and I'm not slamming on the brakes and stomping on the gas I can get 41 miles per gallon. Okay, which is supposed to be good because a lot of shit gets 2325. Now I've maintained for a while now that cars in the 70s used to get like 33 35 miles of fucking gallon and that's goddamn almost you know 35 40 years ago in this movie. This chick flick the goodbye girl the chick that Dreyfus is falling for. She's actually you guys ever go to a car show? You know where they show all the whatever this year they coming up in October they'll start having the car show and they have all the 2012 models that are coming out and speaking of models they have these broad standing next to them at least they did back in the day unless they consider it too sexist they'd have good looking women standing there talking about the car. Anyways her character does that in this movie and it's like it's like 76 1977 something like that and she's standing in front of this Subaru talking about the car and says it gets 39 miles per gallon. All right see this is why I don't believe in shit. I don't believe in fucking anything. This is why everybody thinks oh you're paranoid you're a fucking conspiracy. That's it fucking right there 39 miles per gallon of this fucking all-wheel drive super all those things back there were all yeah four-wheel drive Subaru got 39 miles per gallon. That was their claim okay that's 19 fucking 76 or 77 you're telling me in 35 years the best we've been able to do is get me an extra two miles per gallon on a fucking hybrid. It's complete bullshit. I think there's plenty of fucking oil and it's at the whole things horseshit. You know what time I was riding in a cab in New York City and this Pakistani dude was driving it you know surprise surprise and I was talking to him about I always like I love talking to people who don't live here you know or who initially didn't live here and now live here just getting their whole viewpoint on shit whether I agree with it or not it's just interesting to me. So I was talking to him this is the first time the gas prices were going through the fucking roof and he says to me he goes do you know a Toyota Camry in this country gets like whatever the fuck it was at the time 23 25 miles per gallon he goes do you know in my country it gets like 38 39 miles per gallon or like 40 something ridiculous he goes do you know why that is and I said no and he goes because we can't afford a car that gets 23 25 miles per gallon because I guess where they live whatever the fucking gas prices are whatever their fucking economy is they can't afford a car that gets that amount of miles so they just adjust the goddamn engine it's what I'm saying people is it's all bullshit I don't know where I'm going with this stuff and I don't know who to complain to what about all those grease monkeys out there you sit there and you watch these fucking shows on TV where they they do like a build they'll have some car you know like we're a day today when you're not gonna believe what we're gonna do we got a 1972 fucking GMC Willy's garbage truck and we're gonna combine that with the 1975 Porsche 911 it's all gonna look fucking sweet and they somehow do it the fucking car runs and it fucking got like nine wheels and it goes flying down the street and it's got a fish tank in the back right why don't they use that talent to fuck with the engine and get it to get it to make like you know like a hundred miles per gallon or any of my podcast listeners out there do you know how to do that shit is it that fucking hard isn't it just a couple of twists of the screwdriver on a carburetor do they have carburetors anymore Christ I don't what the fuck I'm talking about let's let's plow ahead everybody he's getting into conspiracy theory oh gee all right let's go with advice here you know like always somebody sent me one and I can't remember with a fuck I put it but some lady came over here from England and she lives just north of New York City and she loves living here she loves the excess of America is what she said but her husband she said is driving him nuts because he's an environmentalist and he is taking the environmentalist stance to the point that he won't flush the toilet when he just takes a piss so she goes walking into the loo as she calls it and he's got his fucking piss in there and she's like well what do I do about this this is what you do lady you got to tell just put a fucking brick or a stone in the back of your toilet so you won't use as much water and tell the dude to flush the goddamn toilet okay just tell him to flush the toilet I'm all for trying to conserve but flush the fucking toilet alright and furthermore I don't like your attitude though because she did the classic where you know he's doing all this other stuff too for the environment like it's gonna matter I hate people who got that defeatist attitude that's not gonna fucking matter you know like when you vote for a Ron Paul and they tell you that you wasted your vote by voting for somebody who's actually being honest whether you agree with them or not like that's a wasted vote oh really waste it's a wasted vote to vote for that guy to try and encourage more people like that who don't give a fuck to run for office don't eat he's not gonna win so that that's why you vote you vote because you want to vote for a winner ah Jesus that's depressing speaking of fucking depressing the fucking Stanley Cup finals this year I can anybody figure it out I think this has been one of the most torturous finals for fans on both sides God knows those can not cuts wouldn't admit to it because now they're up three games to two but you can't tell me during game three and four you weren't like what the fuck happened in my team why are they playing like a bunch of pussies and allowing themselves to be pushed all over the ice that's what's happened every home game the visiting team just gets smashed in the mouth and does nothing about it it's fucking driving me nuts alright I'm getting sick of you fucking can not fans talking shit like your team is fucking superior you've won three one goal games the twins what have they done shit they haven't done shit what is Ryan Kessler done shit he's done nothing what about that fucking that goddamn luongo with his sad basset hound eyes behind his goalie mask you bunch of punks I actually liked your fucking team until we played you guys in the amount of shit you guys have been talking I actually used to like your fucking team I would have rooted for the if the Bruins weren't it I would have rooted for the Canucks because they never won one but their fans are such cunts oh with their stupid hankies that they have during the goddamn game the only people who should do that are Pittsburgh stealer fans they came up with it it was the terrible towel anyone else does it it's fucking gay and I can't wait for the Bruins win game six and game seven so you fucking pussies are crying in your goddamn hankies Jesus Christ this is the thing though I actually think they're a great team and they got a tremendous amount of talent on there but those motherfuckers are the cheapest sons of bitches I've ever seen in my life I don't mind the hits I don't mind that shit you know it happens alright but the fucking the diving and the flopping hey I asked us the other day I was on TSN which is the ESPN up in Canada I called in and I asked this can some hockey fan please explain to me alright and one of the games last game actually game five alright they're at it lining up for a face off and Burroughs is right next to Luciche so what he does is he puts his leg in front of Luciche's stick and then just does a pratfall and acts like he trips okay now I would think that either he get two minutes for diving or they would call Luciche for tripping because they didn't realize that you know that they got faked out but for some reason Luciche got two minutes for tripping and Burroughs got two minutes for embellishment or something stupid like that I don't get that it's like he either fucking tripped the guy or he didn't what does that penalty mean like okay he tripped you buddy he didn't trip you that bad I don't know I've had it the fucking goddamn twins Jesus Christ did flopping all over the fucking ice that's how you want to win a cup Vancouver that's how you want to do it by pretending you got hurt fucking shameless just a shameless fucking hockey team I got no I have absolutely no fucking respect for my cup lost all fucking respect for that goddamn team and I can't believe it there's no reason for them to be doing that shit they got enough weapons they sorta have a good goaltender and they're a great physical team why do you gotta play like fags you know why is that what you guys do out there in Vancouver is that what you do when you're not going out on a fucking whale watch and listening to your Euro trash music with your awful tight clothes that you wear up there I've been to Vancouver for about 20 minutes beautiful scenery if you're not looking at the people I can't wait to play Tampa or Vancouver just for the fan that actually takes this shit seriously anyways plowing ahead plowing ahead speaking of speaking of what the fuck was I talking about okay and all that type of stuff a certain comedian got into a bunch of trouble for a bunch of stuff he said during a during a stand-up performance and people got offended and this really bugged me I was watching a news program I was watching a program that involved the news and this dude came on and the comedian apologized and they asked him what he thought he go and the guy was just like well you know I think the apology was good but I don't think it's enough I think he should donate some money to the fucking blah blah blah blah and it just it just killed the whole fucking thing for me it killed the outrage I should really just look at the guy at that it's like really at the end of it all you want to do is just get some fucking money out of the guy you know I don't understand that I really don't you know somebody does something and then they apologize that should be enough you got it's not enough you got to take the money out of his fucking wallet you know so if that's the case then you really don't give a shit about the apology you just wanted so you just using as an as an excuse to get some fucking money right that make any fucking sad I don't know I'm basically judging the entire topic because of that one douche I saw on TV all right let's plow ahead here before I have to fucking apologize to somebody people of Vancouver do you think that is his apology that he made fun of your white belts and white shoes your herb tarlick Euro trash way of fucking dressing at your dance clubs the fact that he apologized was that enough I don't think it's quite enough I think he should make a donation to the Vancouver mountainous region and I go fuck yourself all right dear bill I am from Kansas City and there's currently radio commercials in which a law officer a law a law office offers their services exclusively for women going through a divorce of course they do there's a ton of money involved there they talk about how they review all of the husband's finances and ensure the woman will receive the maximum amount the law will allow and then he writes in capital letters what the fuck are there any law offices that offer services exclusively for men I doubt it if there were I would imagine there would be a huge protest from feminists all across the US I know you've addressed this hundreds of times over but why is it okay to completely fuck a man over this commercial insinuates the man is already in the wrong this is absolute bullshit dude yet preach on these guys speaking the gospel here anyways wanted to share this with you as this is just another example of man bashing commercials that just pissed me off all right let's let's let's review this yeah okay first of all you can't get mad at the lawyers because they're just going where the money is and as you as you as you say that if if it was the opposite way that there would be feminist groups protesting all right that therein lies the fucking problem until men actually get together and start protesting that type of shit which I would absolutely love to be a part of on any fucking level I would love to see that happen but what guys we don't do that shit once we get you get punched in the face yeah fuck you you get up and you walk away like you can't do that like well yeah there should be guys protesting it I think that would be fucking hilarious that's absolutely terrifying that's one of nine million reasons why I never got fucking married that is just unfucking believable you know I'll tell you what kills me is most women who would watch that they always say the same thing when you like you'll say to them I can you believe that shit when they always say that same yep that's right that's right yeah that's what you get that's what you get a big stupid face what the fuck have you ever done that that's my my whole my whole thing with that it's just I don't know you get married you just better pray to God it fucking works out there's a guy that's all you have and the amount of power it's not it's not a balanced relationship because of the way that the divorce laws are it's the second you know it's like when you're single you have an unbelievable amount of power as a guy even if you're in a relationship because she can't get to you legally that's it it's fucking over you have your shit and that's it and you're a guy and you can earn a fucking living that's it you don't have to worry about shit then the second you get married you lose all power because at any point she can just divorce you and fucking take you for everything you're worth everything you work for it's it's just it's fucking over look at Tiger Woods Tiger Woods gave his wife a quarter of a billion dollars she was a nanny fucking nanny worth what nine figures for what she he had a prenup where she was only going to get five million dollars only five million dollars who here wouldn't kill for five million dollars I quit my podcast for a fucking 200 grand you know you find out your husband some dog going around cheating or whatever that's that happens to women and the guys a broke ass son of a bitch and they're left with nothing so it's not like women always make out but here's a situation we find out your husband's a dog the marriage is over oh but I get five million dollars but that's not enough for the cunt cuz she knows he has a billion and she wants to get as much as that as she can I swear to fucking God I can't do these topics because it makes you see red because they're not entitled to it it's bullshit all right if you marry the greatest golfer of a fucking generation who's won 14 titles okay and you haven't even won a game of tiddly winks on a professional level you're not entitled to that money you're not you are legally but you're not you didn't fucking earn it you cunt all right there you go bill get to the core of the hatred all right number two bill really the fucking nor Norwegians get you for multiple gigs and London gets one night you know how you know they hate wait a minute do what are you talking about the Norwegians okay you're talking about the whole Scandinavian area I'm in a different country every night I'm in I'm in England one night then Finland then Norway Norway then Denmark and then Sweden all right that's totally equal what are you bitching about not to mention I already played London and I the place was three quarters full I don't think I need to do a week of dates there in front of nine nine people per show all right Bill really the fucking Norwegians get you get you for multiple gigs and London gets one night and I can't even I don't know what he says here you know they hate Merrick you over in Sweden too right what is that M-E-R-I-C-U-H I'll have to look that up I don't know what that is are you trying to fill some sort of urge to pal around with people who are whiter than yourself well then look no further than London sir they are so white they eat their pizza with forks and knives what you think because you've been here before you can just do London in a night and peace out I use some sort of Anglo expert now I'm just fucking around glad you're given London at least one night look forward to seeing you figures I discover your comedy after I move out to Los Angeles well I'm out here in Los Angeles sir if you'd like to see me I'm doing a benefit for Greg Geraldo's wife and family at the Wiltern Theatre what the hell is the fucking date jeez is there Bill how do you not know where the fuck you're gonna be oh you know what I know what the fuck it is it's June 29th at the Wiltern Theatre all right not only can you see me sir you can see a bunch of other comics doing their fucking thing all right Jeff Ross is gonna be out there slappy white we're gonna have a bunch of big names all right what oh I guess the email wasn't done here by the way that email you read from that guy who claimed to be French at a bunch of condescending misinformation in it write that guy back and tell him he's a prick just like all the rest of the French Parisians are otherwise France is full of garlic eating pseudo mustache having dickheads granted their women are clean shaven though too bad the majority of them look like dudes regardless now why do you think he's saying all that shit people do you know why that is it's because his country is next to France nobody likes the country there next to right although I do like Canada except for Canadian Montreal Canadian fans and even Vancouver cannot fans with your hankies okay in your prat falls hey wait when they all those prat falls that they do do they play like Benny Hill music at the beginning of the show of whenever Vancouver has a home game when they show the highlights they go we we make a day day day da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da and then you show everybody flopping around on the fucking ice laughing because they're cheating you got a hell of a team and you might win the cup but Jesus Christ how about next year how about next year you make some sort of vow that you're going to have some sort of fucking code of honor something Jesus this whole fucking series which one of the sendings was it was it that fucking flopped onto his back and the ref didn't even call it and when he got up someone on the Bruins were going was going are you okay y'all right everything okay ah Jesus what a bunch of pussies ah alright overrated underrated for this week underrated jerking off on the clock everyone should do this once in their lifetime you might as well be getting blown by what by your boss's wife ah that's fucking hilarious yeah but where do you do it and then the odds are getting caught that's uh that's part of the excitement fucking weirdo jerking off at work where exactly oh jerking off on the clock oh I see so what you know what I'm going home for lunch then you go back and you jerk off oh but on lunch you're not on the clock sir could you please are or could you please elaborate and let me know where exactly it is that you jerk off at work any of my listeners any you guys you ever jerk off at work has is this what the podcast is this what it really has come down to anybody else ever rub one out at fucking work and when you do where do you go obviously the bathroom wow I mean you're really risking your fucking career there if you get caught rubbing one out I'm trying to think of a job that you could have where you could get caught rubbing one out at work and people would laugh it off obviously a comedian you know if you were rubbing one out in the green one as long as you sold the room out you know that's the amazing thing about show business I was thinking about this shit the other day that if you say you killed somebody you committed murder but it was judge a crime of passion you know you lost your shit and you fucking killed somebody so it you go in a jail for at least 15 years okay so 15 years 17 years you get out where you gonna get a goddamn job okay other than just continuing to be a criminal you know selling drugs or some shit you know there's only two places that you I think that you can get a job you can become like a car salesman because they don't give a fuck you know or you can get into show business it's fucking amazing you can cut you can walk right out of prison if anybody is in prison listening to this shit you know if you have these privileges you can get out of prison you know after doing 17 years and then they hand you your fucking Zeke have a reaches that you wore when you walked into prison back in fucking 1993 with your goatee and I can't believe Kurt Cobain just killed himself t-shirt right within a week you could sign up right first fucking day you go out sign up for an open mic you could write five minutes material and you could be on stage telling jokes within a fucking week and not only could you be not only would you be accepted when other comedians found out that you murdered somebody their reaction wouldn't be like holy fuck you're a piece of shit they would just be like dude dude you should talk about that on stage that that could be your hook man you go up in your orange jumpsuit alright you let people know that you killed somebody and then first of all no one's gonna fucking hackle you and then you can intimidate the crowd that if they don't laugh at your jokes you're gonna go you fucking do it again you know I was actually talking to somebody about that the other day about you know that's that's a conversation that guys have a lot about do you think you could survive if you went to prison and I was talking to Keith Robinson about this shit and I was telling him that I would go into prison and I would immediately join the Aryan nation immediately I would I would have a big pen out if I smuggled it in I would now would be drawing the swastika between my eyes not because I believe in that shit I just don't want to get raped so I would be drawing that in on the bus ride into the prison and I told Keith you know no offense that if I did see him in prison I would have to call him the N word I just would just you know not out of some racist shit I just I would not want I just don't want to get raped and I have to bond with the fucking the psycho uh the psycho fucking uh what do you call them what do you call those guys the white supremacists and I'd have to sit there listening to their awful music remember that from American history X remember that fatty was in the van singing the white man marches. Oh what I'd be counting down the fucking days Jesus Christ but you'd have to do it you'd have to do it you'd have to become a full on fucking Aryan maniac but what are your what are your options you know I mean I'm all for you know not being racist 100% all about it I think it's ignorant and all that type of shit but I draw the line at getting fucked in the ass all right fuck that fuck that noise son I'll say some shit that'll make fucking Charles Manson blush oh well maybe that's a guy I'd knock out come walking up to him with his vampire fingernails and just fucking slap the beard right off his face maybe that would prevent it I don't know if anybody's ever been to prison what exactly someone like me right before I commit to going in there and just shaving my head and acting like I'm part of the Aryan nation because that's the only way I see you know getting out of it if anybody who's been listening to this shit has been to prison how does a Ron Howard Ralph mouth looking jackass like myself who hasn't had a fist fight since junior high outside of his family how do you survive how do you do it and that's the only option I could think I got to go in there I gotta hang oh Jesus then I'd have to get a bunch of awful tattoos oh Jesus Christ that would I've I'd probably just kill myself that's what I was joking about but then I wouldn't have the nerve to do it and then I'd get raped and then I'd be thinking as I was getting raped going fuck I should have done it earlier because now I got to kill myself it's fucking unreal so anyways whenever you see these fucking people when they they I remember a long time ago there was some like some kid in New York City it was this classic case where he he killed his girlfriend and he said that they were having rough sex and it got out of control right which is complete horseshit and he killed her right but that's what he said so anyways he ended up doing all of his time because he kept getting busted for shit so when he was getting in prison so like they were talking about they were talking about him getting out I remember he was getting out they're like so and so is getting out of prison the you know the famous case blah blah blah blah and evidently he was quite a busy man when he was in prison and they start giving him shit going like he got busted on numerous occasions for selling drugs he got into a couple of altercations with the guards and other inmates and they're talking about him like he should have been there coloring it's like no he was doing what he had to do so he didn't become somebody's girlfriend I hate when people do that when they talk about people not behaving nicely in prison as if that's a place where that is an option I saw a guy one time he was saying that on one of those prison shows he was talking about how whenever they're coming into your cell they give you the option where you put your you put your back to the door and then they reach it and they handcuff you and he's saying you can't do that he goes your options are basically you back up like a bitch to the door and then all the other inmates look at you like you're a bitch or you fight him so what what are you supposed to do you got you so you basically have to take a beat down from these fucking officers who are dressed like Robocop so that they don't rape you because you're bad it's just it's fucking horrific it's absolutely horrific and the fact that I've blown off jury duty for the last fucking 16 months speaking of being racist that's one that people always say like to get out of jury duty like they always just go in there you just go in there and you just say a bunch of racist shit I love when people like they think that that's how you do it it's like you know yeah or you could just ignore it when it comes in the mail you just don't respond to it you could always do that as opposed to going down to the courthouse and just saying racist shit you know you're you're overthinking it all right where the hell am I um overrated American football even the name is inaccurate Mexicans don't play it Brazilians don't Argentine teens don't come Canadians don't play it much no they do play it they have a whole league you cunt you just too dumb to name another country how about Venezuela dumb fuck and here's the crucial bit nor does the rest of the world this is a game where the Super Bowl is played only by American teams yet they call themselves world champs dude this is one of the oldest arguments I've ever heard even the World Cup events of hockey rugby and rock paper scissors yes that's a real event invite competitors from more than two nations it's one of these few sports who's all American heroes from Joe Montana to Walter Payton were a bunch of guys who only played against their compatriots well you know what if you pussies want to put together a team and try and join the NFL I mean they play a game in London every year trying to get you guys interested in it you're not interested in the fucking game and I guarantee whatever fucking team you put together will kick the shit out of you just like we have in basketball our fucking sport you cunt the fuck do you get off talking about it football is you know what football is football is the correction to soccer see Americans were smart enough to realize how goddamn boring your your fucking sport is and you want to talk about a bunch of people diving I actually I'm gonna take it back I'm gonna actually apologize to the Vancouver Canucks for suggesting that they were diving on an insane level okay professional soccer players take it to an entirely different level all right every time somebody comes up and barely touches you you act like you just got thrown out of a fucking car and you sit there with you scarves singing songs because you're so goddamn bored waiting for a fucking goal to be scored what would happen if you actually pick the goddamn ball up and ran with it it'd be exciting like rugby rugby is exciting as opposed to soccer or football whatever the fuck you call it and I know what you're saying like yeah but in rugby they're not pussies they don't wear helmets yeah they don't hit each other's heart either I've watched it I've watched both I think they're both awesome sports to watch both of them make me cringe but the American game is way faster and way more fucking violent it just is alright our football players are actually dying in their 50s and donating their brains to science and they're finding that they have this guys have died in their 40s that that whenever the fuck they have on their brain they don't see in the average they see it basically with people who die of Alzheimer's in their 80s ok people get paralyzed playing our game alright if you don't like our game you know what it is the rest of world you know I this is what I think it is this is what I think your big fucking problem with America is is that you just like a lot of our shit you like our music you like our clothes you like a lot of our culture and it kills you that we don't pay attention to your shit you want our fucking approval on some goddamn level don't roll you fucking eyes at me you do the fuck are you doing listening to this podcast this is an American podcast sir what is your fucking other than our foreign policy which I totally fucking understand what is it you know because all the shit I just said about soccer I actually really enjoy the premier league I really enjoy that and I just think it's cool that you go there and you sing songs and you drink fucking beer with your red fat faces I think that's a good thing you know I actually I respect the fucking game here you come over here talking about fucking how to fuck is American football overrated you never even said why it was overrated it is American footballs United States is in the Americas you dumb fuck what are we supposed to call it Asian football you know what you're a goddamn dummy aren't ya are you on the dole is that what you guys call welfare over there what is it Mexican's don't play a Brazilian's don't play it our teachers don't yeah yeah they don't they don't what because they don't play it we shouldn't play it and it shouldn't be called American football even though we're in America explain yourself sir I'm tired of that whole fucking thing oh then he goes well let me digress it's a great game if you love commercial breaks what about your fucking game your game needs a commercial break you know what you know what fucking soccer needs needs a god damn it needs like a half time show that's being played the entire time if you get bored one nil we're into the penalty time and everybody sitting there whistling in the crowd you did something bad here you got a yellow card we took out the red card Jesus bunch of guys running around shorts anyways advice hey Bill love the podcast most guys would probably write in and how and ask how to get their girlfriend to do anal well I've got a question that's a little more practical um a girl that I'm seeing absolutely loves anal oh Jesus yeah that you know something that's disgusting all right I'm just gonna say that right off the bat that it's just fucking gross that's something that for some reason became a big thing in porn for a while and uh you know all I'm gonna say is this I'm gonna try to keep it clean here yeah you participate in that act long enough you're gonna realize why at some point some day one time you're gonna realize why you should never stick your pee pee in there all right without getting gross okay she insists on it every time we have sex yeah the other day after we got back from a road trip that involved way too much gas station food up here we go here we go she was having an abnormal amount of gas all right I'm gonna pause here and give you guys a chance to just kind of walk away from your little recording devices so you don't have to listen to the rest of this here we go well she eventually got up off the couch ran to the bathroom and yelled I just shit my pants she was really cool about it well Jesus I mean I mean how cool can you be about it other than just being honest but she's concerned about the effects of constantly having things shoved up her ass yeah well she should be she just turned 30 and has only started doing anal on a consistent spaces for the last few years uh I was wondering if you could what why are you bringing my girl into this get her to invite some of her friends over and then rambling randomly ask her friends which ones do anal on a consistent basis and whether or not they have problems shitting themselves thanks for the help uh yeah she didn't I don't know she didn't shit herself because of the sex she happened she shared herself because you ate at a gas station I think uh but I can't tell you that I you know you're yeah you I don't know you know I don't know yes I don't want to tell you I don't know where they go I'm not a doctor I'm not into doing that to uh female and uh you know it's a uh it's a very soft membrane in there you're dealing with you're dealing with a bunch of issues there buddy a bunch of fucking issues there's no reason to do it um what I would tell her is like yeah uh that's why you shit yourself uh so you can get out of having to do that to her uh you don't want to do that to the person you love do you that's the mother of your kids someday uh god yeah you know what when with that I think it's about time and this fucking podcast let's go with one more of these hey hello Bill I'm 18 years old I've been with my girlfriend for three years and honestly I'm tired of fucking her uh the relationship is fine me and her get along great but I feel like the excitement and the lust is gone this is uh becoming a problem is making it really difficult not to cheat I'm guessing at some point you've had the same problem I just want to know is this going to happen with every long-term relationship I feel like I'm living the life of middle-aged married man and already but I don't want to end it as me and her get along fine also I just also just to add we've recently tried basically every sexually and we've everything sexually and we've easily had sex more than 500 times so there's no way to really spice things up anymore thanks uh yes I really think you would blow up over here in England if you got your specials on TV over here you seem to tap into the British humor the podcast is great yeah dude you know what if anybody knows anybody over there on TV I would love to get my specials on over there I think I have to do local TV over there I should probably try and do that do a local TV show over there that's a great fucking idea um what the hell was your question um sir there is no way to spice it up after you've banged her 500 times you just better hope that you love her in the end sexual happened uh less frequent and uh it's just how it is it's just how it is but then you know if you really love this girl and you dump her you're gonna you're gonna be sad and be thinking about her as you're banging this new girl who you're gonna be excited about fucking probably about 40 times and then you're gonna be right back to it so uh that's why they say it's not to be all end all um I don't know what to tell you you know I don't know why don't you go down the costume store and dress up like a fucking milkman why don't you start with that I don't know what to tell you I don't know what to tell you dude yeah it's fucking brutal it happens it happens to everybody uh sorry I don't know fucking downer there uh anyways let's let's go up let's go up here I'm gonna be at the Chicago theater with one of the antisocial network tour dates with Jim Brewer David Telling the wonderfully talented Jimmy Norton um June 15th Wednesday June 15th I'm gonna be out there at the Chicago theater there's still some tickets left very few please get off your ass come on down come on see the show you're getting four for the price of one and as far as I'm concerned for the best goddamn comics you're gonna see out today all right look at me talking a little bit of shit and uh later on this month I'm gonna be at the Wiltern theater for the Greg Giraldo benefit here in Los Angeles please please please uh buy some tickets uh all the proceeds go to his uh his widow and his his wonderful kids and it would mean a lot for me if you guys can make some time to come down to the show um I don't have to line up in front of me maybe I'll read that next week but it's just basically a who's who and really just let you know how well Greg was loved and respected by all other comics um so please come down to the Wiltern theater in uh Los Angeles on June 29th that's it that's the podcast for this week I hope you guys all have a great week and I hope next week when I uh this is what I'm hoping the Dallas Mavericks win the NBA championship and the Bruins are the Bruins are fucking uh actually have won the cup that would be amazing and I still think that they can do it all right that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week