Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 6-6-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the Bruins, Arguing strategies and bear mace.
No. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for June 6th, 2011. How the hell are you? How was your day going? Are you on vacation like I am? Yes, sir. I am on vacation. But before I get to talking about what a great, fun-ass fucking time I've been having for the last few days, I need to address the Boston Bruins for half a second. All right. Do you know what the Bruins need? Okay. They need Larry Bird or someone of his ilk. God knows there's not a lot of them to walk into that fucking locker room. Okay. And he needs to give that speech that he gave way back in the day when we were getting fucking our asses kicked by the Lakers and Larry Bird, what's fucking went on TV or whatever he's getting interviewed and he's sitting there with his fucking pasty torso and his little prepubescent fucking mustache, you know, cleft pallet upper lip, whatever he's covering up. I don't know. Every man's got some secrets. But he said he sat there after getting his ass kicked by the fucking Lakers, the Celtics. He said we played like a bunch of damn sissies out there. We played like a bunch of sissies. He just kept saying it. We played like a bunch of sissies. But what happened the next game? What happens the next day? Oh, fucking Kurt Rambus comes down the damn court and he gets fucking clothes lined by Kevin McHale. And I believe Larry Bird. I can't remember. I don't have the highlight in front of me. I'm on vacation. I don't have time to do that shit. And that turned the whole series around. All right. Now I was watching that game fucking two and the people commentating. They're all great. They're all great. Millbury. I like all those guys. But they kept saying, I'll tell you Boston fans got to be mad. What the fuck's his name? Burrows. I didn't know the guys goddamn name. I never heard him. Didn't get suspended. Because in the first game, he bit Patrice Bergeron's finger. Okay. And they just kept going. I'll tell you Boston fans. I'll tell you, they got to be upset right now. They really got to be upset. You know, they got to be upset that this guy didn't get suspended. And you know what happens? I guarantee you on Boston Sports radio, there's a bunch of Bruins fans going, you know, I'm upset because fuckface wasn't suspended. They literally tell you what to think. That fucking guy, he shouldn't have got suspended. What he did was not suspendable. It was just sort of bizarre. It was something like a six year old or like a toddler would do. That's why, that's why there was no huge response. After he did, you know, if you fucking slam someone face first into the board, you take a cheap shot, the whole team's pile on you trying to kick the shit out. You bite somebody, people just standing around like, dude, what the fuck? That's what Patrice Bergeron was doing. He's skating off the ice. He looks at a friend of his friend of his, a teammate because he fucking bit me. I don't think it was suspendable. Maybe you would make the guy wear a dress for the first period of the of game two. Maybe that. All right. But that does not address the issues that the Bruins have right now. The, the fucking issue is that they're playing, they're playing soft. They're making Vancouver look like this tough physical team. And I totally respect Vancouver. They are a beast of a team with goalscorers. Snipes. Okay. Luongo. I would give, you know, I'll give him eight out of 10 stars because that guy can't get rattled. All right. But they're not a physical team. When I look down, they're bench. There's nobody there that looks intimidating. It's a bunch of red bearded douchebags like me. Every other guy in their team looks like me. I'm not intimidating, but the way the Bruins are playing, I don't get it. Chara is getting pushed all over the fucking ice. I'm getting sick of it. So I'm hoping that that's what is going on right now. And in game three, we come out, we stop playing like a bunch of goddamn sissies and we hit these goalscorers. That's all they are. They're a team of goalscorers. There's nobody tough on their team. Stop getting pushed around. Did you see what happened when you check fucking what's his face there? God dammit, I'm so bad with the names. The fuck is his name? The guy from, uh, Livonia, Michigan. And he used to play angry and now he doesn't get angry anymore. And now he's having a career year fucking. Ah, he's not one of the sendees. He's fucking. I can never remember names. I'm the worst that fucking guy. He got hit. And all of a sudden he gets up slowly, skates off the ice. That's what you do. That's what you do to goalscorers. You slam him into the boards legally. That's what you do. You don't just stand there, give up the blue line. Oh, wow. Look at him. They're so good at passing. I'm getting sick of it. All right. You're making the, we're making Vancouver look like they're the fucking fliers. They're not. All right. This is exactly what we did against Montreal. We made Carrie Price look like the second coming of fucking Patrick Waugh, because we kept taking slap shots from the fucking red line with nobody in front, right? It is goddamn pancreas. Another save by Carrie Price. Well, hey, the bro it's gotta be fucking little shut up. And what do we do? We went down O two. Do we have it in us again? I don't fucking know. I don't, but I would like if we would actually return a couple of checks every once in a while. They've actually been two great fucking games and I'd be way more excited about it if if we weren't down O two, you know, all these fucking douchebag conuck fans who haven't said shit to me all year. My Twitter's blowing up after they win games, by the way, no, no shit talk before the game. You know, then they give me a bunch of shit. You know, walking around with their Chefs puffed out because they want a one to nothing game. It's fucking annoying. Then they're giving me shit because I'm not texting during the finals. I'm sorry. My team hasn't been there in 20 years. I don't want to come up with clever shit during the fucking game. All right. Okay. Enough of that shit. So anyways, I'm on vacation. And, you know, a lot of people when they go on vacation. Nia, could you not put away the plates so loudly, please? I don't know if you guys can hear that. That's very disturbing. I'm taking I'm taping the podcast right now. Hey, how nice is it to be in like a house? Huh? It's very nice. Thank you. You know what? Sometimes I call a rover and she wants to talk. Other times she doesn't. I think she's annoyed with me. Even on vacation, I can only get like six hours sleep because halfway through like the night all of a sudden my brain's like, how come you didn't sign up for crab soccer in seventh grade? And then I got to walk around and think about that shit. What's crab soccer? I don't know. Vacation in New England. Someone will explain it to you. Um, just reminded me of a fucked up story. We used to have this Jim coach. This guy was the shit. And you know, he drank a little bit. And he gambled a little bit. And it was the 80s. So you didn't really hide it. He come in with his red nose. And I remember we would play. It was fucking awesome. We would play football. And we had gym class on Mondays. So there was always Monday night football. So basically what he would do. Whoever was playing Monday night football, let's say it was the Browns versus the Lions. He'd divide up the gym class and he'd go, you guys are the Browns and you guys are the Lions. And whoever wins, I'm going to bet this on the game and he'd flash this big water cache. And we thought he was filthy stinking rich. So anyways, we're playing crabs and, uh, just kid scores a goal. Right? And this guy used to like the guy was the shit. He used to like announce the games as you were playing him. He'd be like, Oh shit, like a bird defense. He's all over the place. And it just gets you amped up. The guy was the greatest gym teacher slash human being ever. So anyways, this kid scores a goal. All right. Then he scores another goal and he's like, he's flipping out. Holy shit. And then he yells, if you score another goal, I'm going to buy you an Atari, which in our world is seventh graders cost like $9,000,000. So needless to say, the kid scores the fucking goal. And he starts flipping out because the gym coach is just hyping him up. Just kept screaming over and over again. I'm going to buy you an Atari. I'm going to buy you an Atari and we're all going nuts. He's going to buy him an Atari next week. Hey, dude. He buy you the Atari. Nah, not yet, not yet, but he's got a week after that. He ever gets you get that Atari and I hasn't got it to me. Yeah, he never got it for him. You know, typical gambler. He's all great. He's all great. He builds you all up and then right when you need him, he fucking walks away from you, but the best goddamn gym coach I ever had. Um, was that even remotely interesting? Well, you know what? I don't give a shit because I'm on vacation. Technically, I'm not even supposed to be doing this. I'm supposed to be on vacation. What did you guys do? You called me back to the office. Now I'm shuffling around looking for those papers I forgot. My wife and kids are out in the car. I said to God, he just can't leave his job for more than three days. Um, anyway, so you probably wondered where I'm at. I'm actually at, uh, I don't know. I travel all the fucking time. Okay. Travel all the time. And I'm always going to airports and you guys know how I feel about that. And I always get on a plane and I'm always sitting next to some fatty, right? And they always look at me a little, you know, making me smaller every year. No, no, sir. No. Well, maybe a little bit, but in general, you keep getting fatter and I know it's a disease. Anyways, yeah, there's always some fatty spilling into my goddamn seat. Okay. Or I get the aisle and then there's some fucking douche with a weak bladder and every time I start to nod off with my heavy head and it starts to fuck it. You know, I just start nodding off and as my heavy heads going forward, I start having dreams about being slapped in the back of the neck. Oh, that's how I should have done that joke. And I didn't realize it's actually just the weight of my head. See what I did. I front and loaded that one with the punchline. You guys just learned a little something for all you people who send me emails about how to do stand up comedy. Here's rule number one. Don't put the punchline before the setup. Oh geez. Anyways, so I decided I don't want to go to the goddamn airport, but I'd like to get away from my apartment. So after years of living out here and everybody telling me how great Big Bear Mountain or Big Bear Summit or Big Bear fucking Polo grounds in Lake. Whatever the fuck you call this place. I decided to come up here, rented a little fucking cabin slash house and I feel like I'm in New Hampshire right now. It's awesome. It's fucking cold out. The water is freezing. I went on a hike yesterday. I felt like I was going to get hypothermia. This ladies and gentlemen is the vacation of a redhead, you know, and fellow redheads out there. Freckled face fuckers, gingers, whatever the hell you want to call us. Stop trying to be like regular people. You know, everybody wants to go someplace warm, right? They go down to the Caribbean and then you show up just blistering in the goddamn sun. Why are you doing that to yourself? You know, and then people just sitting there going, you can't get any color at all. No, I mean, I'm like white, but you're just wow. Look at your legs. I'm sorry. Those are just you just standing there like a fucking freak. Don't do that to yourself. That's not the vacation of a redhead. A redhead goes from mild climate to severely cold climate. That's, that's how I feel. My next vacation is going to be in the Yukon territories, you know, and I'm going to get some snow shoes and get one of those Eskimo jackets, right? And I'm going to walk across the tundra, my little red nose. So anyways, we're up here and a big bear fucking lake and I decided I want to go. I wanted to go on this hike two days ago. And, you know, Nia is the exact opposite of me. She can sleep until the cows come home. She's a relaxed beautiful person. I am a psycho path who's totally wound up. So I'm up at like five in the morning and I want to go on a hike. She doesn't want to go. So I say fuck it. I'm going, right? It was more like night in the morning, right? Which is five in the morning when you're on vacation. So I walk into the goddamn woods. And this isn't like hiking in LA. This is the real deal. Like they have bears. They have mountain lions. And, and I'm by myself. And I wasn't really thinking as I go hiking in LA by myself all the fucking time. So I wasn't thinking about anything, but I got to tell you the second I got into the forest. This isn't the woods. This is the forest. This overwhelming feeling of being watched. Just fucking came over me, you know? This is what it's like walking in a forest. Okay? At first you recognize the animals when you first get in. You're like, Oh, yeah, look at the pile of ants. Oh, that's a squirrel. Hey, look at the little chipmunk, right? And you get about a quarter mile in and then that's the first time you see something movie like, dude, what the fuck was that? Is that a dog? That little dog with a fat tail. And then you get this feeling. You're like, wow, that thing was running around like it's nervous. That means somebody, something else is bigger that eats that. And then there's something bigger than that that eats that in, you know, the deal. And I started here and Bill Curtis's voice in my head. You know, his girlfriend didn't get up. So he decided to go hiking alone around 7 30 that evening when Bill didn't return, Nia started getting worried. And that's when they use horrific words like remains, you know, they find my torn jacket, one of my legs just laying on the fucking path. That's what I started. So I, I overrode my ego. And I said, fuck this. And I turned back around. And I immediately was like, I'm going to get a knife. If I'm going to go and hit by myself, I at least need a knife, I'm going to get one of those big fucking Daniel Boone stab a grizzly bear right in the fucking throat, right? So I go to the fish and tackle place down there, or whatever the hell it is, the sporting good place. And I said, yeah, listen, I'm going on a hike. I want a knife just getting freaked out that I'm going to get eaten by a mountain lion. And the guy's like, nah, you don't want a knife. You don't want to get you want a knife, you're going to you got to get in close with a knife. And I was thinking about that. How hard a grizzly bear can, you know, that bionic bitch slap that they have, where your fucking head spins around and you break your neck, just imagine me still being able to hold on to the knife. You know, the average NFL running back, if he gets stuck by Ray Lewis fumbles the football, I'm going to be able to hang on to this knife, taking a fucking bitch slap from a grizzly bear, it's going to fall on the ground. And then it's going to rip my face off. And then I'm going to be on Oprah talking about how I feel blessed that it ripped my face off. Because now I know what's important in life, right? Isn't what isn't that what they always do? After somebody gets their face ripped off, or they get burnt to a crisp and then they just sit there, you know, I realize what's important in life is actually the best thing that ever happened to me. I took everything for granted. It's just like, well, it's amazing that that that's how they feel because I would not feel that way. I would fucking be like, not I would be lying to everybody in the hospital that I felt great. And I felt blessed. And I would then climb onto the top of the hospital and I would just roll off. You hear what I'm saying people? I would not do well with that challenge. You know, the all the religious people say that that the Lord only challenges those that he feels are strong enough. I'll tell you right now, that's why I still have a face because he knows I'm a big fag. Anyway, so the guy goes, listen, you don't you don't want a knife. What you want is some pepper spray. I go pepper spray. He goes, no, he goes, this is this is this is like bare pepper spray. And I'm looking, I got the package right here. It says grizzly tough pepper spray. And there's a picture of a bear counter assault, bear deterrent. See, so they're already given in with this product that you're going to get assaulted. It's not assault preventer. It's counter assault. Because basically the goddamn bear is going to be coming at you so fast, you know, and those things can't stop on a dime. They're like a giant SUV. They're going to hit him with that fucking pepper spray. And it's going to do a barrel roll right over you. And if you're lucky, it's going to keep fucking going. So anyways, he says this shit is actually strong enough to blind a fucking human being. But evidently not a bear, which doesn't make sense to me. Because like I said, as much as I can understand that a bear can bitch slap me down off a fucking mountain, you know, an eyeballs and eyeball, right? You poke a bear in the eye. He's going to do that little fucking, you know, that little dance. You know, the I got poked in the eye dance. Even a bear is going to do that. So anyway, I got this shit, cost me 50 bucks, right? So I got this shit. And then I went on a hike yesterday with Nia up to what was it? Bertha summit, Bertha peak. Nia. Yeah, Bertha peak, which was like a two and a half hour goddamn hike, at least for us. I know some douche from Big Bear is going to write in to actually I can do it in 45 minutes. Can you? Well, go ahead. They have fucking Tonto. Have a good time. So I buy this shit, right? And what do I do? I forget it like an asshole. So then I just, you know, I said, ah, fuck it. There's two of us, you know, Nia is a lot more curvier than I am. She'll probably look like a better cut of meat. I'll be fine. What? Come here, Nia, come over here. Let's talk about the hike real quick. And then I'll dismiss you coming into the studio. Dude, I'll tell you, this is how much this is how much of a of a fucking redhead I am. Is that not only do I want to come up here to this freezing cold lake, we actually have a jacuzzi here and Nia convinced me to get into this shit two nights ago. And even that was too hot for me. It wasn't even that hot. Oh, I can't handle it. I can't fucking breathe. I can't, I hate that. I hate having a hot shower. I hate all that. I hate the sun. I don't like heat in general. I like being up here where it's fucking cold. Okay. I like how you just said that like, like I'm acting like you were challenging me. It's okay. It's okay to like cold things. You know what I don't like about this place? I don't like how every cabin you ever rent had like it's like whenever you go into the bathroom, there's no heat whatsoever. You know, now that I've bitched about how I like, you know, hate the heat. But I don't like that. You go in there, right to relieve yourself and like your shirt is, your shirt is blowing in the breeze and every one of these fucking cabins, it's always like a story. Dude, my grandfather built it back in the twenties. This isn't even a cabin. What is it? This is a full on house. This is a house. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. Look, it's got wood on the ceilings. It's got a moose head above us. This is a cabin. It's got a sled hanging from the ceiling. It's got two fireplaces. Yeah, within sight of each other. This is a cabin, but it's a house. It's on grounds. There's a backyard. Look, I'm not saying there's dirt floors in the remains of Abe Lincoln in the corner. All right. But if we went to look at this goddamn thing, would you call this thing a house? Like if you were looking for a house, would you be like, it seems like a cabin. I see what you're saying, but Jesus, trying to get a woman to agree with you. You want to hear something that this guy wrote in? This guy wrote in and wrote in all the way from Afghanistan. Let me see. If I can find this here, it's overrated, underrated. This is a classic here, right? Overrated. All right, brother, I got one for you. Overrated, trying to have a logical argument with a woman you're dating. Now, just wait. Do I need to be here for this? Yeah, yeah, because you need to balance it out so this doesn't come off as totally misogynistic. All right. What? You don't have to be here? No, go ahead. All right. Just come on. Be fun. Have fun. All right. Overrated. Trying to have a logical argument with a woman you're dating. It never ceases to amaze me. Every time I overhear some retard complaining about some chick that won't listen, won't listen to him and argues with them all the time. Any veteran dude who's been with the chick over 48 hours knows that they don't stay on topic and they don't think logically. They aren't trying to fix shit. It's an emotional thing with them. So why anyone thinks they can talk to a chick in that mindset is beyond me. The way I see it, most guys go one of two roots when presented with an angry bitch. This guy seems enlightened, right? Yeah, exactly. Why should I listen to anything this fucking asshole has to say? Don't let him make you mad. He's throwing you off your game. Anyways, either they choose the path of least resistance saying, yeah, over and over again and nodding and gazing into oblivion. A lot of guys do that. Those are the hen pet guys. All right. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Fine. Yeah. Yeah. Because they know whatever they say won't make a difference or they pander to their petty weak emotions and sensitivities by talking slowly at adult whisper trying to calm and appease them. Both methods have their benefits. However, I'd like to offer a third avenue if I may. I've been faithfully married seven years now and it works so far. Not that I'm an expert, but here you go. Here's his third one. All right. First, like any competitive dude, you beat them at their own game. When they come at you saying something like, why is this talk on the ground? And I told you to put it blah, blah, blah, and that bitchy whiny I want to fight voice, wagging their finger and cocking their head sideways. Are you this guy in a reality show? Or is this I was wife reacts? Anyways, you just reply in your loudest tone, whatever the fuck the last thing that pissed you off was. And as you say it, you keep eye contact and walk straight up to him. So basically, if you said, why is it? Why are these socks on the ground? I'm supposed to my loudest voice go and not break eye contact walk right up to you and be like, why did you do the dishes last night? And what is that supposed to do? Oh, wait, he's not done yet. This is the beginning. This is the first quarter. Okay, let the game plan unfold here. All right, what the hell am I? I lost my place. Usually, this will startle them. As they come back, no, come on, yeah, you got to listen. As they come back, this is like they tell you what to do when approaching a bear or something like that. Okay, make a lot of noise. Just let me finish. Let me finish, Neil. I'm here. I'm here. All right. As they come back with what? As they come back with, what does that have to do with whatever we're arguing about? You just pull down your pants and start jacking your dick while they stand there with that dumb, confused look on their face. Neil, come on, you got to be back here for the reactions. All right. And while they try it, no, this is obviously joking. Maybe this is forward thinking. Let me, let me finish here. This is a new strategy. And while they try to regain whatever thought they had in that scanner brain skill, you just keep going to town, not saying a word. If they talk to you till completion, you just say, thank you. That's about what that argument was worth. And you walk away. As you leave, pick up the sock or whatever and toss it in the hamper. There you go. That's, that's his thing. Well, at least he still puts it away. Yeah. Yes, everybody's happy. No, he's joking. This is obviously somebody who's pandering to your over the top, completely ridiculous, misogynistic statements you say on a weekly basis on this fucking podcast. And he's trying to impress you by coming up with, I've seen this time. Why don't you do it a dishes? Wait a minute. Let me wait a second. I got up. No, this is just some copycat fan. I'm supposed to take this seriously. Like this is a real thing. I don't know. I'm not given this. Next. Anyways. So he said, Bill, your way with dealing with women is pretty good. But it's passive aggressive. I don't even know what he's talking about. And I know how you feel about that shit about being passive aggressive. Even if you're doing it to maintain the high road for your future breakup. Why does it matter? If the, what does it matter if the relationship is over? I don't know what he thinks my strategy is. Anyways, he said, you might as well say, fuck it and go out in a blaze of glory. Granted, I know about losing your cool and shit like that. But in the end, it just builds up and leads to a bigger blow up. You end up staring at the ceiling or yelling as you drive in the car thinking, damn, I should have come back with this or that. No, fuck that. No matter how witty or snappier comeback is, it wouldn't have made any difference because that bitch isn't going to listen. The only thing you wouldn't know that this guy is happily married. The only thing you don't sound happily married letting it. You're letting this guy get to you. He's totally winning right now. You're getting mad. He said to pull out his dick and jack it till completely. That's what I'm saying. This is bullshit. Obviously. But why am I listening to this? Just trying to be funny. Yeah, that's exactly. And you know what you're doing? You're being a fun sponge. You just suck it all the fucking that totally isn't really you're taking it seriously. Like that lady on NPR lady who I talked to the other day to hype this gig. And I was talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and she just goes, I don't think that situation is funny at all. Right. So of course that doesn't really that doesn't think it's funny at all. Well, it doesn't divert me. So I just plow into my fucking material. And it's just dead silence. And the other two comics are laughing. So she goes, I don't find that funny at all. I go, well, you know, I always all my jokes. I usually end up losing half the crap. So am I being wait a minute. She goes, I always end I always end up losing half the crowd. And this is the NPR egghead response. She goes, actually, I'm a third of the crowd. But it was I was hyping a benefit. Yeah. So I didn't say anything. I wanted to be like, Oh, to shake. She did the math. Oh, she ended the interview. When we when we ended the interview, she goes, Okay, and that's I'm so and so and this has been had to build a birdhouse with the special comedy edition, whatever the stupid NPR story was. Then she and she goes, Okay, guys, thanks a lot. She goes, yeah, that wasn't as funny as I thought what's going to be. She actually said that to us. Yeah, totally cool. So you're saying I'm being the NPR lady right now? Yeah, because you're actually thinking that this guy is gonna like is happily married for seven years and he goes up and he screams in his wife's face while like she's a grizzly bear and then takes his dick out and jacks it occasionally to completion. See, you know what it is? What is what it really is is that I annoy the shit out of you. And my views about women are so fucking annoying to you that the second this guy started talking, you you weren't yelling at him. You were yelling at me. I'll fucking yell at you too. So get it off your chest. Um, I'll tell you what's on my chest right now. What is your god damn problem? You woke this great guy fucking rented out a cabin by the lake. It's a house. It's a house. I'll go with that really with these shag rugs. Do you tell them how amazing our meal was last night? No, no, no, no, don't don't get off topic here. Oh, I want to know. What is your god damn problem with me? Nothing. I just want to sleep long. Are you coming there? You're like, whoa, what's going on? It's like in your fucking nose in my ear. I want to sleep. Well, because it's the Monday morning podcast, I have to do it Monday morning. I realize that. Or else the title doesn't make any sense. My Monday morning listeners, by the way, not yours, your selfish cons, my morning. Go ahead. So that's what I was saying. I know you wanted to be on the podcast. So I was saying, you know, it's going to get a little loud out there. Yeah. All right, fine. Yeah. Yeah. One of these days, the day you realize that you don't have a leg to stand on in this relationship, we're going to get along so much better. That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it does. How great was the cowboy steakhouse down the street? Oh, delicious. Yeah. The fucking ribs. Yes. I'm going to hype it. You know what? I don't have any advertising this week, but I'm going to fucking hype this place. It's called the cowboy steakhouse. The cowboy steakhouse on I forget the street. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's a big bear lake. Yeah, big bear lake. You can't miss it. It's one of three restaurants up here. So we come walking in, right? Immediately, you know, you know, they got like the country music. Just a girl, boy. Never meaning no harm, but made a bite of blue. They got all those country fucking songs played. So Nia obviously gets nervous. Places like that. Yeah, I get a little concerned that you get nervous. You know, it's going to be like, and everyone's going to stop and look at me. What tarnation she doing in here? Yeah, even though we're in California. Yeah, but no, but no, but that's the thing, though, is the second you get outside the cities is it gets very, it can get very making Georgia quickly. And sometimes it doesn't. Like up here, it doesn't. These people are all cool. Yeah, everybody is very cool. But we went in there and you were like, you were asking me if you thought, you know, if this is a second, I smelled that food. I was like, this, this is going to be good. Mm hmm. That was delicious. Yeah, I saw that big fat guy eating the ribs. I was like, yeah, how fat was that guy? He was pretty fat. He had a whole thing to himself. We split it. He's one of those guys. He's one of those guys who's so fatty with shorts all year round. His pants are too constricting. Dude, I don't get cold. Why would you? You fucking walrus. Look at you. Your biggest prop, Mike, that's he's the only guy up here to get attacked by a polar bear. Thank you. All right. So anyways, so this guy actually asked me what my strategy is with women. Well, I'm going to tell you this. I actually, I'm doing a giant chunk of material on this. I disagree with you. Women argue, stay on topic if they're right. All right. If they're wrong, that's when they do all the diversionary tactics and they try to make it about something else. And if you're not going for it, if you don't fall for their diversionary tactics, then their last ditch effort is trying to just to try to make you mad like what you did to me yesterday when he kept saying I was acting like a baby because you knew I was right. You said it once. You're acting like a baby. I said it once. You said it more than once. No, I did not. No, then you came in the bedroom and you said, why are you acting like a baby? You're throwing a temper tantrum. Yeah, I said, you're supposed to slam the door. I didn't. I walked away, calm and cool. Then why did I hear the door closed? Because it's a fucking solid object. Because it's a door. Doors make noise when you open and close. I didn't slam it. Wow. What happened to slamming the door? You didn't slam the door. I didn't slam the door. Whatever. And then you said that's not, that's that wouldn't work in a debating class. We're not in a debating class. We're on your on my podcast. Silly little lo-fi podcast. All right. All right. You know what? You don't have to be here. I don't, I don't need to take that on my vacation. How fucked up was that hike? We went on yesterday. We went on to first. Oh my god. That hike was ridiculous. Yeah. And you know what? You were great for the first 90%. That last 10%. I don't want to go. And you started doing that toddler thing where you're making your arms go limp and your head was going back. I was, I was frustrated. I admit. Yeah. It was a long, tiring, difficult hike. Beautiful. But you know, and you know what? I realized that if we're ever in a plane crash and we survived, I'm going to have to be the guy that makes something happen. What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about that last 10% of the hike when you tapped out. You tapped out. Yeah. But I kept going. I just stopped quiet. Why? Because I kept urging you on. Like a fucking team leader. Wow. I didn't expect to go on some like ridiculous hike. I told you, we should do like a little moderate. There was nothing ridiculous about it. Oh, please. My feet were killing me by the end of it. Yeah. I wear those old, you watch the middle eight, all middle age white guys wear the new, the gray new balance with the inserts. And we got to get you one of those, one of those things that people put on their foot and they look like a foot. And it's supposed to be really good for your feet. Yeah. What are those sneakers with their feet, sock things? They're creepy. You look like I was going to say a primate. We're all fucking primes. You look like a fucking ape. Yeah. All you need is your big toe to be bad. And somebody with hammer toes gets one of those. Oh, no, no, reverse hammer toes with a fucking the big toe sticking out. They're gonna look like a goddamn chimp. Anyways, let me plow ahead with the podcast. All right. Because your eggs are done, I just heard them. I'm making bacon. All right. I know I'm arguing for arguments. Yeah, you're arguing for arguments. All right, I'm tapping out. All right. All right. I'll see you. I'll see you on the other side of the cabin. See that people? That's how you handle them. Right there. Right. Is it walking away? You talk shit about it. So getting back to that guy, my strategy, yeah, is you don't, you don't lose your cool. You stay on target, right? Like that dude in Star Wars, you stay on target. And when they're saying over the top mean shit, you don't respond to it because that's just them. You ever see a goat get choked to death by a python? Anybody else watch those fucked up YouTube videos? You know, they're stunned at first. They fight and then there's that middle part like, dude, what the fuck? What is this? And then the very end, when they only have a little bit of air left, they fucking kicking their legs like a maniac before they die. That's the female version. That's the goat version getting killed by a python, Jesus Christ of women when they start saying that mean shit. That's that last little kick of the legs before it's over. So I don't respond to that shit anymore. Actually, I do a little bit, but I've got myself to the point where I know that it's happening. And then that's what I did yesterday. She started doing that shit and I just took my plate of food and I walked in the other room and I'm telling you, but the big thing is, is if you're wrong, you have to admit it because that gives you credibility in the future. So there you go, sir. And that was an absolutely fucking hilarious email and it made it even funnier with Nia sitting here taking it seriously. That's ridiculous. He wouldn't do that. I'm calling bullshit. He didn't jerk off till he came like his wife. I got to tell you though, that would be, that would be fucking hilarious to do that. I mean, I could stand there and rub my dick, but it would just be so funny to me. I don't think I could get a heart on. I got to be honest with you. Oh, that's disgusting. All right, evidently, I've been going off on the French lately. So some American born person who went over to France, which I don't know if I'm buying. I think they just want to hear my opinions on what French people are really like, you know, and I'm from America. So you can trust me. Like that shit I always talk about on the whenever there's some sort of political debate. The Obama is a moron and I'm a Democrat. All right, here we go. Hello, Mr. Burr. I enjoy your podcast very much. And I'm also a fan of your stand up. However, I don't mind you poking fun at the French people too much. I don't give a fuck with your mind or not, you condescending cunt. Even though I am French, I just wanted to inform you about the stereotypes. That's funny. How come you don't inform me about other stereotypes that I do on this podcast? Oh, because it came around to you. Now you give a shit. Okay, mainly the stereotypes about the French or assholes who hate America. Okay. Okay. Okay. And this person's going to debunk all these. Okay. Or give me more information. All right. Number one, Europeans generally hate Americans because and I was born and raised here so I can say this, ma'am or mister, whoever wrote this shit, you could say it anyways. All right. Stop trying to get some sort of credibility by saying you're from here. I don't give a fuck where you're from. All I know is you live in France. So you got information and just just give it to me. All right. All right. Europeans generally hate Americans because Americans go to different countries and behave rudely. They expect things to be like in the US, such as portion size and the ability for everyone to speak English. Whenever I go to France and see American tourists, I get so embarrassed because they are obnoxious and expect everyone to suck their superior American cock. All right. Let's stop right there. First of all, when Europeans come to America, you guys act like assholes too. Yeah. And Nea just goes and you don't tip. You don't give a fuck about our customs with tipping. You don't fucking tip. And then all you do is you come to America and you trash it. And I got to be honest with you. When I go to other countries, I'm not a rude prick. And I would never go to another country and then tell people who live there why their country sucks. That's what Europeans do. Okay. And you kind of beat me to the punch here where you say, because they expect everyone to suck their superior American cock. I was going to say, well, you sound a little insecure. And she says, or he says Europeans also have inferiority issues. Another reason they don't like Americans. I don't know how many times I've been told by Swedes, the English Germans and so on, that America sucks and is making the world a worse place. This makes me extremely patriotic and want to defend the US. But I had to dress from the French. Dude, I actually feel leagues. I got to agree with you on that one. That makes me want to defend it. And it's really funny if the English or the Germans ever talk about a country making the world a worse place. Okay. Because you guys passed the baton to us. We're standing on the shoulders of your work of evil. Swedes, I don't know anything about you weren't in any of my American history classes. The only first Swede I saw was on the Muppet show. Remember that? Borgie Borgie, or Gee, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borg, Borg, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie. But I addressed it was French. Number two, the French are not assholes. Parisians are assholes. Oh Jesus Christ, dude, I wasn't born yesterday. Really, you have all your assholes quarantined just in Paris. There's not one asshole up near the beaches of Normandy, huh? Or down in Nice, you're telling me I go to Cannes Film Festival. There's not going to be some local asshole. There is going to be a cunt, the French Riviera. Come on. Okay, evidently, all the asshole French people are just in Paris. So many Americans go to France and only stay in Paris and then assume that all of France is like Paris. This is so ignorant. It infuriates me. Well, you know, it's the fucking jewel of your country. Those are the smartest people you got. And when they're rude cunts, they are your ambassadors. Who goes to fucking Paris to go to see a farm? I mean, goes to France to go see a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Let me ask you this, sir, or ma'am, if you lived in France and you came to America, where would you go? Would you go to Nebraska? God knows you wouldn't find any intelligence out there. Fuck you, buddy. You tried growing some corn. That is like going to New York City and assuming that all Americans are like New Yorkers. Paris is like New York, full of unfriendly people who want you to get out of their way. Big cities are like that. Small towns are populated by nicer people, a trait common in all countries. Well, I'll definitely say they're much polite or I will agree with that in smaller towns, but they also tend to be a little more fearful and a lot more racist and a lot more easier to sway into putting Saran wrap around their outhouse because they believe that they're going to be the next victims of a terrorist attack. Like logically, that works in their mind that the terrorist attack is going to be world trade center one to the Pentagon and then your outhouse in the middle of fucking nowhere. Like that's the next logical military strategic target. Jesus Christ. Is this podcast even funny anymore? Sometimes sometimes I just lose myself in the sentences. Number three, French women shave. The only women in France who don't shave are the elderly Middle Eastern immigrants. Last time I went to France, I told my aunts that Americans don't think they shave and they were very upset by this. When I went to camp, all the girls shaved at the beach. I went to the beach. They were all shaved. In fact, the French say Scandinavians don't shave. See stereotypes about people in different lands exist everywhere. Wow. I think I learned something. Why the need to put down the women of foreign countries? Because it's funny because that's what guys do. We break balls and we say you're women are ugly. They're hairy. Their vagina is a horizontal and they're not good lays and we got bigger dicks and we can fucking better. It's basic shit talk. Page one, chapter one. I'm talking shit about another country and I don't know. I find all of this to be very condescending. As you're sitting there saying, stereotypes exist everywhere and I love how the French are getting offended by what we think of them while they think we're all illiterate fat fucks going to a to a Carl's Jr. I mean, it goes both ways. And I'll tell you why we think that French women don't shave is because there was a pop song over here a long time ago called 99 Red Balloons. 99 Red Balloons. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And in the end of the video, she puts her arms up and had a hairy fucking armpit and that was it. And she was from Germany, but it didn't matter to us all. No European women shaved. That was it. It was over. And plus, when you look at your continent and realize that it's basically for the most part, the meat of it, all right, the countries that we give a shit about is actually smaller than our entire country, like your countries are the size of states over there. So we figure if they're not shaven in Germany, why wouldn't why would they shave in fucking France? I mean, if people in Massachusetts are drunk morons, do you think that in Rhode Island, they're reading? I don't know. Does that make any sense? I just feel like I'm coming off dumber and dumber with each fucking podcast. And you know what? There's something freeing about it. Number four, older French men smelt, not all the French. Back in the day, and I mean way back, people didn't wear deodorant. My grandmother does and all the other women. You know what, I'm realizing? I think a lot of the French stereotypes came around World War I and World War II. You guys haven't needed us to come over there and fight a fucking battle. I'm joking. I understand that World War II was our payback for you guys helping us out in the Revolutionary War. I understand that, right? Was it the Revolutionary War, the French and Indian war? I can't fucking remember. I have no idea. I don't even remember anymore. They just all, I hated that part of history. Any sort of powdered wigs, anything pre-cowboys and Indians I just could give a fuck about. And even then, that was very sketchy. I liked reading about the younger brothers, Jesse and Frank James, Cole Younger. I liked reading about that shit. And I liked reading about adventures at sea, you know, pirate ships and that type of stuff, you know. But anything with powdered wigs, other American presidents with the big bushy beards and no mustaches, it absolutely put me to sleep so I can't remember. So there's a stereotype for you. Not only do we not know about other countries, we don't even know about our own. Number five, French girls are slutty. Well, I'll give you that one, but the French on a whole aren't as puritanical as Americans. Yeah, we're just all into getting STDs and see sex as a private means of pleasure that one shouldn't be too ashamed of. I think it's healthier than keep your legs closed because sex is evil, you whore view. I definitely think, yeah, we take it too far in this country. But last I saw the first AIDS patient caught it in France. Oh, I pulled that one out of my ass, no pun intended, right? Nia's looking at me that that's not true. The first guy who got it was, was over in France, was a flight attendant. Patient number one, ground zero. Isn't that right, Nia? Oh, Jesus, you know something someday when I run for office, I think that's the one that's going to come back to haunt me. Anyways, you know, I was just fucking with you. They have Frenchy or former American person, whatever. Yeah, I don't give a shit. One of my dreams is to go to Paris. And I think that's going to be happening later on this year. Why you ask? Well, I'll tell you why. If you go to billboard.com, you'll notice that all of a sudden, Mr. Fancy Pants here has a run of dates throughout Scandinavia. And in October, go to billboard.com, B-U-R-R. Go to the left hand, in the left hand corner, you'll see all my dates and scroll down to October. I am doing Helsinki, Oslo, Copenhagen, and Stockholm, Sweden. So I always get confused. Oslo is Finland. Helsinki is Norway. Stockholm, Sweden. I've been there. Copenhagen, Denmark. How fucking awesome is that? So I'm tossing a one night in London before that. And at the end of that, I think I'm going to go to Paris. Why the fuck not, right? That is, if the American dollar doesn't collapse in August, and we're all in worker camps. Speaking of that shit, have you guys seen this stuff about all the suicides at the apple plant? You know that really cunty commercial where they go, you know, if you don't have an iPhone, then you don't have the iPhone. And I wanted to get an iPhone until I saw those goddamn commercials. And they kept like, it's the most bizarre advertising. It makes me angry at the iPhone. I never had any anger towards the iPhone of the people who had one. I never gave a shit. I was like, that phone's the shit. I heard it drops calls. I'll wait until it's on Verizon. And then right when it gets on Verizon, and I'm all ready to jump on board, they come up with this nah nah nah fucking cunty shit going, you know, if you had an iPhone right now, you could be looking at the inside of your fucking throat and diagnosing your fucking throat cancer before it even happens. You know, but if you don't have the iPhone, you don't have the iPhone. It's like, well, fuck you. I'm sticking with the droid. So anyways, now I read, they just had the 10th suicide at the apple plant. Now, who's kidding who? We all know that everything that we're wearing, everything that we're using is made by some four year old making six cents an hour somewhere. Well, evidently, these people have had enough. They've had 10 suicides at the apple plant. Here we go. And the same day that Apple Dell Hewlett Packard promised to look into working conditions at China's Foxconn plant, a 10th worker committed suicide. The death of a 19 year old male worker. It's too bad. He was like one year away from getting his fucking severance pay. Or is a shit. I fucked it up. What the hell do you get it when you do 20 years on the force? Oh, God, I'm sorry, everybody. I'm on my fucking vacation mode. What the hell? I get my pension. What is that when you work 20 years on the force? And he's only 19. You get it? Because he's been working since he was two. Oh, Jesus. The death of a 19 year old male worker also came just after the company's billionaire founder. Took the media on tour of the sprawling complex in response to accusations from labor groups that workers toiled in sweatshop like conditions. Oh, hilarious. So then the billionaire shows up. They clean the place up, stick in a water bubbler and go, see, it's great. And I know what a lot of you fucking heartless cunts are going to say. You're going to say, well, sweatshop labor is necessary. Do you want to pay $8,000 for a laptop? Well, here's my rebuttal. You know what? If the cunt at the top didn't have to make a billion dollars a year, you know, kind of like when they were talking to the oil companies and they go, you're projected to make 350 billion. How about you just make 340 billion? Do you have to make that much money? That's the thing. The people at the top are taking way too much fucking money. There's no fucking way that the only reasonable way to make a laptop is to give people such shitty wages that suicide is a better fucking option. And you do it at the fucking plant to make some sort of political statement. There's just no fucking way. How about the people at the top? You mean, once you got a hundred million dollars, do you ever need to get another paycheck? I don't understand that. I don't understand that. And I'm not saying that the people at the top shouldn't be filthy, stink and rich because they came up with it. But you shouldn't be paying people. There shouldn't be sweatshops, everybody. That's all I'm saying. And what sucks is that we actually came up with unions in this country because of sweatshop like conditions. And but what ended up happening was the people in the unions took advantage of it. And with their strength, they became a bunch of sloppy douchebags to the point that there's a lot of people who actually have negative views about unions. That's how bad it is in this country. And they're actually excited that they're going to do away with unions. A lot of people want to do away with fucking unions rather than reform them. But to do away with them is we're going to end up like these poor bastards in fucking China, you know, sewing shit together and going, you know what? I think I'd rather jump out a fucking window than make another goddamn iPhone. So anyways, it says the company has bought psychiatrists and Buddhist monks to the factory to the factory complex to support workers and now plans now plays soothing music along production lines. Why don't you just fucking pay them? It plans to install 10 foot tall fences to stop workers jumping from buildings and may give workers a 20 percent pay raise. This is how tight these fucking rich cuts are. Let's play soothing music and put a fence up. We'll try we'll try that first rather than just giving them more money. What is it? What is it? 20 percent pay raise when you make it eight cents an hour? In any ways, Foxconn representatives maintain that the increase would not be in response to the suicides but is being considered because business has been good. Give me a fucking break. Do you hear that, Nia? The 10th suicide at one of those apple plants, the sweatshops, they're killing themselves over there. So they decided to put up a 10 foot wall so they can't jump and they're playing soothing music and they're considering giving them a 20 percent pay raise. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, exactly. All right, let's let's move on here. A lot of interesting great emails, by the way. This week, people sent me some really interesting stuff here and shit that I can actually help people out on here if I could just get to the goddamn thing. People put your feet up. Here's a little fucking commercial here. God damn you, you fucking whore. Where the hell is it? All right, you know, some days I just really fucking hate myself and this is one of these fucking moments. This guy sent me this great email asking if maybe it was under advice. Here it is. Here it is. This was a professional podcast. I would have fucking edited this part out. All right, advice. Bill, this is going to sound a little gay but I'm gay so fuck you. One of the great sentences ever written on this podcast. All right, I'm a 22, 28 year old guy whose hair is thinning. Oh, geez. I always told myself that I wouldn't be one of those guys who was obsessed over this and I just shave it off when it comes to it but in recent years, I've gotten lots of compliments on my hair and I don't really ever hear any compliments about anything else regarding my appearance or my amazing personality. I kind of hate to be just another dude with a shaved head walking around getting fatter. I'm considering taking medication for hair growth but the side effects include everything from impotence to making the early stages of prostate cancer to masking the early stages of prostate cancer should it develop. What would you do? Do you risk impotence and potential cancer in order to keep the only thing about yourself that receives compliments from others? I've noticed you shaved your head in the past but well, I don't want to look like that. No, I'm just fucking with you. Hey, maybe I should just work out and get ripped. Then it wouldn't matter, right? Well, the thing about going to the gym is fuck that. Thoughts? All right. Well, coming from another balding fucking male. I said the exact same things you said. When I used to watch those commercials and then watching these people dump and shit on their head, they'd be like, dude, just shave your fucking head. People make funnier for a week and then they used to it and then they eventually see pictures with you with hair and they go, dude, you look weird with hair. I like you better without it. Then I started losing my hair and I freaked the fuck out. I couldn't fucking believe it. I was like that guy in the 48 hours, Gans. When he finally gets shot, I got shot. I can't believe I got hit. Remember that? I was that guy. I went out and I got the Rogaine in that shit. I dumped that shit on my head and I felt my heart rate increase. It has different effects on other people. I know another guy took it. He said, dude, I was taking a piss and chunks of something was in my urine. I don't know. I couldn't do it. I think I did it for a couple of months. At one point, I just saw myself in the mirror dumping that shit on my head. I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Fuck this. I can't do this shit. I said, fuck it and I stopped using it. I just shaved my head and I said, fuck it. Having a shaved head is fucking awesome. What ended up happening was I booked that movie date night. They go, we want you to grow your hair out a little bit. I grew it out. Then I started booking other shit. By the way, I've been joking around. I got to set the record straight here because people are really starting to believe that I'm on Glee. Yeah, I got to tell them because they're like, people are like Twittering that I'm on Glee and they're going to miss the show. I'm actually, I'm not on Glee. I actually I booked two episodes of my favorite show on fucking TV, Breaking Bad. The only reason why I said that was because they're super top secret about their scripts. They don't want anybody to know anything and I wasn't even sure if it was okay to say you even booked a role on it. I didn't know, I didn't know if they were that top secret about it. So I just started joking around saying I was on Glee and then I did the show a couple times of that and they're like, no, no, it's fine. But I was so far down the road with that lie. So I just kept saying so I am not on Glee and shame on you people actually believe that I was flying to New Mexico to do an episode of Glee and that we were doing the Peewee Herman Mexican hat dance. Really? Really? You really fell for that one? But anyways, yeah, so so I grew my hair back out and but I'm still not using anything and I'm starting to get the friar tuck thing in the back of my head. And but you know, once you shave your head, you don't give a shit about going bald. You just kind of keep it short. And I if I was you fucking gay dude, you got to do it. Shave your head because you're trying to attract other guys and guys were superficial assholes and we were 100% about looks. I think if you shave your head that says a lot about you. You got confidence. You're not trying to hide anything and you deal with you deal with with the shit in your life. You don't try to hide it and stick some magic goop on top of your head. Not to mention. I think they're going to cure it one day. You know, when when I'm in my 80s and you're in like your 70s or some shit, they're going to cure it. We'll just pop a pill, you know, have a full head of jet black fucking hair, you know, and we won't have the fucking ass cancer, right? So that's what I would say. Shave your head, right, and go to the gym and get shredded. All right, as far as your attitude towards the gym, if you don't want to go to the gym and you're just going to become a fat fuck, it's not going to matter. I don't even think you're going to live long enough to even go bald. All right, so go to the shave your head, go to the fucking gym. I'm telling you, having a shaved head is the shit. And I really want to fucking do it again. And I will in the future at some point, I'm just going to be when I have to. Nature's gradually doing it for me. So dude, you should try. If you never had a shaved head, it's fucking awesome. It's awesome. You just wake up. You're ready to go. You're fucking ready to go. And who gives a fuck? Right? Think about it. Don't you think if you were going to be Brad Pitt and what had happened by now? What are you really worried about? Are you worried that you're ranking on the world? People magazine's 50 most beautiful people is now in jeopardy, that you're not going to make it. Have you ever made it before? You know, actually I shouldn't make these jokes with you because you kind of seem like you have low self-esteem. All right, you know what your problem is, dude? I think that you're a little shy and you're sitting around eating cupcakes and feathering your fucking hair. All right, you need to start eating more protein and some vegetables. Go to the fucking gym and shave your head. Bam, gavel hits a fucking next case. Next case, that's it. It's over. All right, moving on. I asked people last week about coaching, talking about crazy stories with coaches and that type of thing. And I had a crazy coach and I can't even fucking tell you the shit this guy did just because people I know from my childhood listen to this thing. So I really have to fucking watch it sometimes. So all right, here's one. I don't know. I don't know what I did with the email. I'm going to paraphrase. I just remember it. This guy said he he was playing on a baseball team. He was like in the fifth grade, I think, and he was the kid who played right field. He wasn't good or whatever. So they're playing the game that's before the game that's before the game for the championship. So I guess they're in the fucking semis and there's a guy on second and they're down by a run and they're getting down to the final inning. And he's coming up to bat and he sucks. So he's already nervous. And he said his coach went up, grabbed him by the arm and looked him in the face and said, Hey, if you don't get a hit, I'm going to punch you right in the face. And he said at first he laughed because he thought the coach was joking, trying to break the tension. And then he realized that the dude was serious. And he just sort of walked up to the plate and he was standing up there, shitting his pants. And he looked back to his coach and his coach is staring right at him like I'm going to punch you in the fucking face. If you don't get a fucking hit. So this kid throws the bat out there and he somehow slaps a fucking Derek Jeter's opposite field single drives in the run. Said at the end of the inning, he went back to the bench. He said the coach never sent anything to him, never addressed it again. And he says he's hated that son of a bitch from to this day. So he said, his question was, what is this guy? Is he is he a good motivator? Is he a horrific human being? I mean, this is the thing. It's because you got a hit. I think that's a weird one that that one is that guy is both right and wrong. He's wrong for taking the game so seriously and injecting that sort of reality into your childhood, which I think kids should get a dose of reality in their childhood. But I think it should come from the parents or at least the parents should be supporting another adult. Like say you fuck up in school when your parents go there, old school parents would go to school and whatever the teacher said you were doing the the parent would then look at look at the kid and be like, yeah, why the fuck are you doing that? But something like this, I don't know. He did motivate you. He did let you know what the real world is like. He basically gave you in a nutshell. Yeah, in life, you know, when when when society needs you to produce, if you don't produce, it kicks you in the balls and you don't get the position. You don't get a fucking raise or whatever the fuck it is. I'm trying to say, I goddamn it. I can't talk this fucking week. You know what I'm saying? Here's another story from coaching. Bill loved the podcast, but I am coach. I'm a coach. I coach a team ages nine to 10. I'm the assistant for a AU travel team. Is that nine to 10th grade? They're traveling. There's got to be that. The travel team's coach and my son are on my nine 10 team. That's got to be nine to 10 years old and they travel and they beat them ease. I didn't know they let American kids do that. Both are very good players and are two of the four best players on my team. I have three slots for the all-star team. Oh Jesus. Oh God. So you're the coach. You got two kids on your team and they're two out of the four best players on my team. I have three slots for the all-star team. All right. So two slots are taken and now it's down to my son and the travels coach's son. Well, why did you give away those first two slots? Well, I guess if those kids were better than than your son and your buddy's kid. Okay. So his son is hitting 600, plays third, third base shortstop and second and has pitched five good innings in six games. He has only fielded about six balls, but that's not his fault. My son is hitting 612. Hey, you know what? Podcast listeners, I want you guys to vote for this like this is the MLB. All right. So the first guy's kids hitting 600. He's played third short and second. He's pitched five good innings in six games and he's fielded only about six balls, but that's not his fault because he can't control who hits it to him. His son is hitting 612, has caught every has caught every inning except the three innings he pitched. He's thrown out eight people in six games and in four of the five games we won. The other team's catcher sucked and we just stole our way around the bases even without pass balls. We have not, we have not had a player thrown out stealing. Well, this has to do with the rest of your team. The game we lost, their pitcher shut us down. In short, in the six games, he is hands down. The best patch catcher I've seen. The travel coach's son has a little higher level fielding, but I feel my son had a bigger impact on our team. Batting is a push. Oh, because he's 600. He's 612. Who do I pick for the all star team? Oh, fuck. All right, dude. If you weren't related to your kid, you got to, you got to, you got to pick your kid. He's, he's batting 12 points higher and he's gunning down the other team's runners. You know, so after the pitcher fucks up, he's correcting the pitcher's fuck up while not fucking up himself and hitting 612. But it's your son. Ah, Jesus. Well, I mean, you can give it to your son. I think he's worthy of it, but you know, you're going to jeopardize your friendship with the other person. If you're fine with that, I give it to your kid. But you know, if you want to teach your kid a little bit of something about being humble and about handling a position of power properly, I'd give it to the friend. I think that that's what I do, but I would sit down and I would, I would have a talk with your son and try to explain that the position of power that you're in and how it would look. Ah, Jesus Christ. This sounds like a McDonald's commercial. Doesn't it back in the day when they'd sing some sad song and the kid wouldn't get it at first and then you're buying some french fries in a fucking vanilla shake? You know, it's times like these. I'm glad I'm not a parent, dude. Wow. That's a, that's a tough one. That is a tough one. All right. Well, I got time for one last one here. Hey, Bill, I'm a 27 year old graphic web designer and I've been unemployed for a few months now. The job I had a few months back was a web development job at a company I thought was awesome before I worked there, but turned out to be a really shady place that had a really bad history of having high turnover with their employees. In any case, I've been living back with my parents now for two years because I lost a job back then and had just enough money saved up to live out the 13 month lease that I had signed on my previous apartment. Ever since I've been struggling to find work like I'm sure a lot of people are. However, almost all of my friends have jobs or have been able to find jobs fairly easy easily when they didn't have one. I attribute this mainly to the fact that they are most that they mostly have jobs, not careers like I've been trying to build over the last half a decade or so. But with it being so hard to find a job, I'm wondering if I should take up a new career. I love graphic and web design and I'm damn good at it too. I've even been looking for jobs out in California area because Florida sucks and I'm not a fan of 100 degree weather with tons of humidity, but it's been more difficult to find work out there because most places won't even consider me since I'm not living out there yet. I have no money to just up and move without any concrete and employment on the line. What should I do? All right. Yeah, dude, you're getting your stories right now. Every successful man has his stories about sleeping on a futon, eating fucking Eggo waffles. Those are the years you're in. So what I would do is I would get a job, get a fucking job, anything you got to do, get a fucking job, get some money coming in and then save up your money. Okay, during the day, that's your day job. Just like I had. I had a day job working in a warehouse and at nights, I did comedy for free. At night, you come home, you do your graphic designing for free. Okay, get a job where you meet other people. Maybe the company needs some sort of graphic designing. You can offer up your services, you know, and then you can add that to your resume. And then there's other people maybe have side businesses. I'd get a business card. I'd put that up all around town, cheap graphic designing, just happy to be here. Graphic and web designing. That's what I would do. I'd get that business going. And while I kept working my day job, and eventually you will have enough fucking money. Your graphic design will be making enough fucking money where you can either move out to California or fuck California, run your own goddamn business. All right. I'd say, what's your problem is, is you're being too damn picky. All right, you got to do whatever you got to do. Fake it till you make it right now. And I'm basing that on the fact that you stuck with looking for a career rather than a job. That's a good thing. Sometimes I can shoot you in the foot and also how you want to leave Florida because you don't like the weather. All right. Right now is not the time to be a diva. Deal with the fucking humidity. Bust your fucking ass. All right. Don't get into a relationship with some woman. You don't need it right now. What you need to do is to rub one out in the morning, go to that fucking job. No. And as you're at the job, try to network with people. If you're fucking, I'm just going to say everything that I just said. Just do all that shit. Bust your fucking ass and you'll get there and you have all these great stories. All right. Then you get a good looking broad at the end of it because God knows they like money. All right. That's the, that's the podcast of this week. Everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. I got another couple days up here. I'm going to enjoy my fucking vacation going to go jet skiing. I'm going to have some stories about that. And I'm going to bring my bear mace on another hike today. Hope you guys all have a good week. And let's go Bruins. I'm looking for them to turn it around. No disrespect to the Vancouver Canucks. They got a beast of a fucking team. I just don't think there's anybody tough on your team, which is evident when you're going around biting people's fingers like fucking a goddamn toddler who just got his fucking toy taken away from them. All right. That's a podcast for this week. I'll talk to you later. Go fuck yourselves.