Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 5-2-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about mother's day, Bruins/Habs, and mooches.
What's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 2nd, 2011. How the hell are you? This is a landmark week for me in my career and in this podcast because for the first time ever, I'm actually, I have an advertiser. No bullshit. I have an advertiser, like a real live radio show on this podcast. And I know what you guys are thinking. You're probably like, Oh, geez, he's got advertising. So what does that mean, Bill? Does that mean you're not going to use the word content anymore? No, it does not. Does that mean you're going to tone it down? No, it doesn't. All it means is that it continues to be fucking free for you cheap motherfuckers. Nah, I'm kidding. Not cheap. Just financially challenged motherfuckers. You're still motherfuckers. You're still fuckers of mothers. But anyway, so this week, for the first time ever, I do have going to have some advertising and I'm actually working on some t-shirts and that type of thing. I'm trying to take this thing to the next level. Maybe you have a merch page, whatever the hell I got to do. I appreciate everybody who's gone on to the M.M. podcast page and clicked on the donation button. I appreciate it. I really appreciate it. So with that, this week, my one and only advertiser, the first ever legend is one of these legendary moments in the podcast. Like when I switched from yapping on my phone as I drove down the street and I actually got a mix. This is the first advertiser. You're probably thinking, hey, Bill, what are you going to do? Are you going to advertise some booze? Are you going to advertise some weed? No, I'm not. I'm actually going to give a lot of guys out there a little bit of a heads up. Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday. Isn't it? I don't know. I didn't look it up. I think it is. See, this is what happens every mother's day, right? Who doesn't love that mother? Cereal killers, right? Cereal killers don't love their mothers. Everybody else, you love your mother, right? But as much as you try every year, what happens? Mother's Day sneaks up on you and all of a sudden Saturday night, you're out drinking a couple of beers, a couple of fucking pale whales and all of a sudden somebody mentions it, you know, the waitress with their fucking cleavage hanging out. She'll mention, oh, yeah, tomorrow, you know, you're trying to pick her up. What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we should hang out. Go play fucking horseshoes or something, you know? My brother's got a cottage up in New Hampshire, dude. She come up there and then she's like, I can't, I'm spending time with my mother's tomorrow because it's Mother's Day. And then what do you do? You go, oh, fuck it's Mother's Day. So what do you do? You run down to CVS, you know, any port in a storm, you run down to the local drug store and you go and you try to find a fucking Mother's Day car. But by the time you get down there, there's only two left, right? What do you got? There's the fucking one that has like a fart joke on it. And then the one that's so affectionate, it's borderline incestuous, right? So now what do you do? Now you got a shitty car. The fucking envelopes are all creased up. They're laying all over the fucking place. And your mother can see it. When you hand it to her, she can see it. It's not a good car. It's just like, you motherfucker, I carried you around in my fucking home for nine months. I raised you a brad-ass the entire fucking life. And this is what you do. You get me the goddamn leftover car that nobody wanted at CVS. You can even go to Walmart and get me a shacket to go along with it. All right. Well, I have the solution. This is a classic thing for guys. My sponsor this week is proflowers.com. All right. So all you got to do is you want me to read their copy rather than tell my silly little story. Hey, everybody. Mother's Day is around the corner. Proflowers always has great specials for radio listeners. Exclamation point at proflowers.com. You will find huge selections of gorgeous, gorgeous Mother's Day bouquet starting as low as 1999. Plus you'll get a free vase with every any floral purchase. Isn't that great? You get a free vase. You know, just lay it in a lap like she just ran the fucking Kentucky Derby. You know, at that rate, you can get flowers for all the moms in your life. Your mother, your grandmother, you assist his mother. Not to make any sense. Your girlfriend's mother, anybody, any broad in your life, you want to send flowers? This is the website you go to. All right. If you want to call them up and you can get this shit out of the way so you can watch the games, the playoff hockey, and the NBA, all that. Call 800 proflowers and mention the Monday morning podcast, Bill Burr, say my name so then I get credit or better yet, as they say, go to proflowers.com. Click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner. That's a big thing. When you go to the website, there's a microphone, right? When you go to proflowers, and you just, the upper right-hand corner says, "Here about us on radio or TV." Just click right there. Then you type in the password, which is my last name, B-U-R-R. Pick out some flowers, bang, zoom. They fucking send it right to your house. You hand it to your mother. You take out a ukulele, you get down a one knee, you sing her a song, and you're done. The next thing you know, you guys are both drinking booze. Right? There you go. See, wasn't that painless? Told you a little funny story. I read the copy. I got it out of the way. So seriously, guys, if you want to order those things, you know, if you want to do it, go to proflowers.com. There's a microphone right in the corner. You click on that. You type in the password, "Burr, B-U-R-R," and I'll actually get the goddamn credit. All right. There you go. And with that, let's get on with the podcast. All right. That was like old school. The host of the show was doing it, like in the 1950s. You know, this is the crest toothpaste hour. Hello, folks. Are your teeth falling out of your head? Did you not notice, because you've been in a mine for the last 20 years, and you don't belong to a union? Thank God for crest. It's got fluoride soon to be in your drinking water. So you're a lot more or less a day, lackadaisical, however you say the fucking word, and you're less likely to question authority. I am in New York City people. You're probably like, "Why Bill? Why are you in New York City? I'll tell you why." Me and Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly, you heard last week, we our film debuted in the prestigious Tribeca Film Festival, and I went to two of the screenings. I'm going to another screening tonight, and I got to tell you something. That is the most nervous I've ever fucking been. I'd have to go back to the first time I did Letterman, or maybe the first time I even did Stand Up. Just the feeling of what if this goes bad, and I have absolutely no control if it does. Fortunately, it went well, and I've got to tell you something. I don't say this too often. I was really proud of it. I knew we didn't pull any punches, but when I saw it, watching it with the crowd was a whole different vibe. Plus watching it up against some of the other movies. I was really nervous because their movies were great, and some were really serious, and I was just going, "Oh my God, how the hell is ours going to hold up against?" Unfortunately, it did, and we've had a great festival, and tonight is the last night. I've never been more tempted to booze since I quit booze and then this goddamn week, but I got 200 days coming up. I didn't want to fuck that up. Then once I go over 200 days, that's it. I'm just going to fucking, I think I'm just going to pull myself out, like Cal Ripken. I'm just going to say all right to hell with this shit. Fuck it. What more do I need to prove? It's not like I have a drinking problem. I just have a huge head problem. Do you guys know that that's really the real reason why I quit? Not because I was getting drunk coming home, blaming my day on Nia, slapping around on a kitchen table, and then later taking out a fucking frozen box of peas and putting it on the side of her fucking left titty because I gave her a fucking uppercut, right? That's not why. It's because I already have a giant head, a pumpkin head, as some of the people on the internet have said, which always makes me giggle. That's why I quit drinking. I just got sick. There's something like, look, who's kidding though? You hit middle age and I don't give a fuck. You just don't look as good, but there's no reason to help it along. You know what I mean? It's pure vanity. That's why I fucking stopped. And, you know, the deal, you know, in the broads, they fucking hit middle age. They've squeezed out a couple of fucking kids. Now they resent the fuck anybody who has free time, you know, because they made a decision to take a hot one right between the fucking legs. You know, that was your choice. I want one. I want to have a kid that's so cute. Then they have one, and then there are a bunch of fucking, it's Mother's Day this week, everybody. Let's not lose sight of that. This is gonna go bad. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Mothers are just, they're fucking pains in the end. Another reason to go to pro-flowers is give them a bouquet and shove it in their face. All right, already we got it. You regretted your decision and I'm a fucking reminder of it. So anyways, I'm already picturing pro-flowers people listening to it. That's just such, that's, you know, is this groundbreaking way of selling flowers? Because it seems weird to me. Anyway, I'm talking about how people age, right? So what do women do? Okay, then they have a couple of kids, and they're so fucking goddamn busy. All right, that not only do they not have time to do a sit up, they don't even have time to fucking wash their hair anymore. So they all go out and get that Wayne Gretzky haircut that he had when he got married, you know, all short on the side, like Adolf Hitler, and then they poof it up on top. You know, the Katie Lang, they get that haircut, and they're like, oh my God, I love it. I love it. It's so easy to deal with, right? Not knowing that when their husband bends them over, they feel like they're fucking a dude, you know, a dude with tits, right? That's what you feel like. So that's how they age, you know, and then what happens with guys, guys age like John Travolta and Alec Baldwin. It's very rare that a celebrity will actually just continue to fucking eat and booze and do what regular people do and just allow themselves to age the way regular people do, you know, that shit, you know, that deal where you, uh, I don't know, eat like a pig all summer, and then it comes the winter time when you take out your button-down shirt, and you got a t-shirt on underneath it because you don't want to sweat your way through it because you're such a fat fucking booze bag at that point. And then you just, you don't even notice, and all of a sudden for some reason, it used to be you can only see a t-shirt up top near your neck. Now you can see it in between like each button because the fucking fabric of your button-down is stretched so goddamn far. That's why, that's why I quit booze, and I had, you know, every year I buy like four or five button-down shirts, and those are my, I'm gonna headline for an hour doing comedy shirts, right? And they usually last me a year, but I had this one, I didn't even notice, you know, because you, you know, you put on a couple pounds a week, you don't fucking notice. All of a sudden I was taking pictures and the button that was right, you know, between my man tits, what, the fabric was just, it looked like the shirt was going to explode. So that's basically why I, that's why I quit the booze. So I recommend it, I recommend going off the sauce for a minute. So now what I want to experiment with as far as my boozeing, and I want to know if as anybody tried this, I'm going to drink one day a month, and when I do, it's, it's going to be fucking epic. I'm going to get it all out of it, all out of the way in one day, beer and whiskey, all at the same time, giant chalices of fucking booze, and then I'm going to hate myself for like a day or two, and then I'm just going to get on with my month. Has anybody been able to do that? Because I tried doing that last time, and then it became twice a month, three times a month, and next thing you know, I'm doing a fucking keg stand and my face is turning red, and I'm just like, what am I doing? You know, but I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I just have a job where I can booze. You know, what's the worst that happens? I show up hungover, and I bitch about how I'm a fucking loser, and then everybody laughs because they feel better about their lives. Like he's doing worse than us. This guy's awesome. So let me know, if you guys out there, do you have any sort of uh, do you have any sort of, I don't know, like, has anybody been able to do that? Like just say, I only drink Saturdays, or I drink one Thursday a month. Has anybody been able to stick with that? I don't know. That's my thing. I'm afraid to go back to it because I was really, I was looking like, well, I don't look like a Baldwin, but my torso did, you know, I had the Baldwin torso, I had the John Travolta torso. You know, a Ted Kennedy body. That's where the fuck I was. You know who said that shit, by the way, Bill Maher is in Rolling Stone this past week, and I read it, and he said how, you know, he just sticks to weed, and they say he not like alcohol, and he basically, I'm paraphrasing here. He said he loves it. He said, but as a guy, after a while, you just have to stop drinking, or you end up looking like Ted Kennedy, and it's fucking true. Especially as a white dude, you get that WC fields nose? Hey, my little chickadee. You don't want to look like that. All right, you get the yellow eyes, you get that fucking jaundice. Oh god, but I miss it. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So anyways, I was talking about my, can I say anyways, any more fucking times on this podcast? Another thing that went on this week is we had the second anti-social comedy network show that we did up at Foxwoods in a 4,000 seat theater, and we actually sold the thing out. I was absolutely blown away by not only the amount of people showed up, but how great the crowd was. Everybody was talking about it. For those of you who are on the outside, the anti-social network tours put together by Jim Norton, little Jimmy from the wonderful Opie and Anthony radio program. He put together this tour. It's me, Jim Brewer, David Tal, and obviously Jim Norton. We've been selling a ton of tickets, and it's been great. Everybody does 20 minutes. We come out, we hit you with our best stuff, and we kicked the shit out of that crowd, and they were just a great crowd. They laughed. You could bring them up. You could bring them down. They were just a phenomenal crowd, and then we just do a little question and answering afterwards. Like five minutes, and then we whore ourselves out afterwards taking pictures, signing shit, and everybody goes back to gambling. It was just this amazing theater. I was actually talking to Brewer because I had this fucking upper deck, and we immediately started talking about playing Whiffle Ball, and about whether or not we could hit the upper deck from the stage, man. It was just close enough where it was a nice fucking poke. Jesus, that would have been a great time, except the people who run the theater would have thought it was obnoxious. Look at these guys. They get to tell jokes and play Whiffle Ball. What the fuck? What next? They can drink every night. But I want to thank everybody who came down there, and if that tour interests you, we've been selling a ton of tickets down there in Washington, DC. We're playing there on May 13th. So get your fucking asses down there. All right? Look at it. It's a goddamn recession. You get four comics for the fucking price of one. I am just horing myself out on this podcast. Proflowers.com. Now I'm hyping the tour. Before I've even brought you an hour's worth of comedy, how fucking dare I? Look at me. I'm becoming a corporate cunt. Everything. What will you guys do if I just totally fucking sell out on this podcast? I stopped saying cunt. I actually build a cubicle around my bed. I changed the name of the podcast. This is brought to you by the Halliburton Monday morning podcast that we do every day now because the higher ups are making us eight. You know Halliburton actually changed their fucking name. That was a weird way of saying um. I was working down in Houston, Texas and that's where they have at least their United States headquarters and they used to have this giant sign as you went to George Bush International. Go fuck yourself. I love the Illuminati airport down there and they had this giant sign down there that would say Halliburton and they had such a bad public image that they actually made the sign a lot smaller and they kept making it smaller and then now they've just finally changed their names to like you know grandma's cupcakes or something like that. Something just completely pedestrian. You know it's funny. I don't even know what they do. Isn't that typical? Isn't that just typical of some whiny fucking cunt? I have no idea what they even do. What do they do? What are they? As far as I know this is my layman's uh understanding of what they do is basically they say to the Pentagon, well you guys blow it up and then we'll rebuild it. We'll get our contractors in there you know and we'll build a little strip mall. We'll stick a Starbucks in there and wait everybody's gonna want to be American. Everybody's gonna want you know how fucking fat I feel right now. I just went to a steakhouse and there was these fucking real housewives chicks sitting up at the bar. These four white ladies you know just dress like horse. I'll tell you right now if you're a mom and you still dress like you're out there trying to get fucked you're just a terrible mother you know and they should really they should repossess your fucking kids. This is just gonna all be about mothers this week as I try to get you to buy flowers. You know what are you doing with your tight fucking jeans? You know you're fucking goddamn hip hugger jeans. Goddamn c-section scar just above your bedazzled belts. For fuck's sakes put some clothes on. You're a mother. It's over. You know do you know I worked with someone recently right and and they were fucking you know they mentioned that they had a kid so I'm always asking about kids because I'm seriously thinking about having one. You know sticking them in the corner next to a vase you know. Just adding it to like my possessions. I'll have my guitars. I've got a couple of guitars. What else do I have? I don't know a lot of shit. I've got a desk. I'll stick them between the guitars and the desk. Just have them under there. I'm like you know when you have like those cakes that they have on the glass at diners. I'll just have a fucking baby in there. Every once in a while it usually I'll lift the lid up. I'll just fucking put it back over. Give it a bottle. Knock it off. Hey knock it off. Is it awake? And I'll just just tap on the glass. That's really creepy. No I've been thinking about having a kid right so I ran into this mother after a show and she was talking about her son and she looked young. All right. She was like 30 31 years old and I go uh go how old is your son? She goes 11 and then she mentioned she had a daughter. How was your daughter? She goes 13. So I do the mask. She had him in 18 and 20 and I was just like Jesus Christ. I get you started young huh. She winks at me. She goes yeah got it out of the way. She goes now it's me time. I'm just thinking in my head. What do you mean me time? They're 11 and 13. The fuck are you? You know that's why I really think it's a good thing that I haven't had kids yet because I'm a selfish cunt and I'm really into doing shit for myself and there's just a lot of people out there. I don't know. I think they just have kids and then they that I know they stick them in front of the TV. Watch a little Teletubby you know and they're just bad parents and then every once in a while you see a great fucking parent who's really involved with this kid like this YouTube video that somebody sent me this week. This guy sent me a YouTube video of his seven year old son as a drummer. This kid is this shit. Not only can he play because I've seen kids play before but he actually sings along with the song and he has a look of passion on his face. It's fucking awesome. You can watch all these videos by the way on the mm podcast.com. The only thing I will say to this to the dad is you got to get that kid some sort of you got to get him earplugs. You got to get him those those Vic first earphones that you just put. It looks like the kids got to use a weed whacker. Just have them wear those. It'll seem weird for the first couple of days but I'm telling you that kids ears are going to be fucking junk if you let them play without earplugs. Take it from me. I suffer from tonitis or tetanus however the fuck you say it and that's that ringing in the ear. But you know there's nothing better than when you actually see good parents and I get I get nervous that I'm not going to be a good dad and whenever I see you know. Whenever I see a bunch of fucking women who are mothers just dressed like they're out there looking to get banged. It's just like there's no way you're a good mom. You can't be a good mom. You're dressed too nicely. You know moms look. They wear comfortable clothes. They have that fucking look on their face like Jesus Christ. What did I do with my life? That's a mom. You're not sitting down there with Ed Hardy panties on and then going oh yeah my my daughter just graduated the seventh grade. Really the fuck are you doing? What are you out here riding on the back of the Harley with your goddamn ass crack showing? You're not a mom right there. You ought to get a warning. You know if you should get a warning dress like a mom get the fuck out of here. Sitting here drinking your goddamn booze in the middle of the day. How are you with your bra strap showing? The fuck is wrong with you lady. Am I wrong thinking that? Am I just being selfish because you know when I become a dad I still want to have a cool car. I don't want to have that fucking van. I want to have a car that's cool and my kids aren't allowed in it. And when they ask me why I'm going to say because at your age you're still a fucking animal. Look at you. You got Cheerios all over your face. You got ice cream on your fingers. I don't even remember you have an ice cream. What is that shit? You think you're going to get my dodge fucking challenge? I'm just going to have one nice car that's going to be for me and Nia when we go out and we get a sitter, right? That's that's the uh let's pretend we don't have responsibility car and we'll go out and have a dinner and come back in a couple hours and then we'll just have some shit fucking van. A shit van with those fucking NASCAR formula one seat belts that crisscross in front of you both for safety and also so those little bastards can't get up. You know I still think I'm going to be a good dad despite the horrific shit I'm saying right now. Somebody sent me a great. Oh by the way my my special is still showing, still streaming on Netflix by the way. I want you guys opinion. I'm thinking the next time I do a special I'm sending my special directly to Netflix because I think when I send it to channels where they have commercials and they censor it you're not getting the full on ignorant bill berg experience are you? You know it just you know if you really want to see the level of moron that I am you have to have the uncensored version so I'm thinking that that's the future. I'm loving it because people who watch Netflix are they're just it they seem like they're getting the real special to me which means they either absolutely love it or they think I'm the dumbest person on the planet. With that let's get into advice for this week this podcast is going to be a little shorter than the recently I've been doing like an hour and 20 I think they're too fucking long so I'm going to try to do about an hour come right in and about an hour you know that's just long enough for your commute. Oh before I read the advice did I tell you guys I'm working I'm trying to work on my temper now that I got the booze under control and now I'm going to work on my temper see this is me slowly giving into the fact that I'm going to get married at some point I can't even say that I'm going to get married then I'm going to get married at some point I'm going to have kids all right the first thing I had to do is I had to stop drinking like I was pledging a frat that was the first fucking thing I had to do you know although when I have kids I'm going to be really tempted at the end of my long workday doing absolutely nothing as a comedian you know not to just pour that scotch with the one fucking ice cube in it I don't want to do that in front of kids maybe I'll have a shit out back and that's what I'll do all my booze and right and then eventually you know I'll think that I'm fooling everybody and then I'll have a bottle in the back of the fucking half bathroom in the basement you know in the back of the toilet and then everybody I know I'm boozeing and then eventually when they have the intervention I'll be out there in that shed Bill thinks he's doing a documentary and I'm going to be fucking sitting there walking this is why I do most of my drinking and I'll be all noble about it I never do it in front of my kids you know my my kids being everything could be you know eventually I'm going to stop right and then I come walking in there my whole disappointed family is going to be sitting there next to a bandsaw and I'm a stubborn Irish motherfucker I'm not going to rehab go fuck yourselves you go to rehab oh we're all walking out god more booze money for me um I don't know what the hell I'm talking about right now have you guys been watching the playoff hockey congratulations to everybody's team who moved on the San Jose shots the Detroit Red Wings the Nashville Predators who would have thought who would have fucking thought who the hell are they playing out there kings are out ducks are out oh Vancouver Vancouver and then over in the east who won geez I don't know who won series last week uh Tampa Bay lightning Washington capitals Philadelphia flyers and I think that's it I think that's the uh those are oh wait a minute oh Jesus I almost forgot the Boston Bruins beat the fucking fucking fucking Montreal Canadians oh was that enjoyable what a tremendous series round of applause for playoff hockey it went seven games like you knew it was gonna and I thought it was a tremendous series although I was a little disappointed with certain members of the Montreal Canadians with that bitch level of hockey the fucking hammer lick Jesus Christ I thought he was in some fucking slapstick movie what was he doing out there any time you went move what fucking skate the wind of you skating by the guy would just fall down how funny was it when what's his face the Bruins announced I can never remember his name John whatever when he fucking he goes hammer let goes down like he was shot get up I'm not a fan of that over the top sort of fucking announcing but that was so fucking called for when he said that it was fucking ridiculous but uh but it was just a it was a phenomenal series and I knew it was going seven seven games and I was hoping we were gonna win I'm not even gonna talk shit you know I'm not even gonna talk shit whenever you play the Canadians they're fans even if that team sucks they take them to the next level it was a fucking awesome series and uh that fucking Suban guy man is the shit that guy's a star and I love the way he plays the game I even love that annoying shit he does I love it he's a gamer he's just trying to knock you off your fucking game by being a cunt I love it and he can play the game and that fucking goal that he scored to send it into overtime was yeah there was just a fucking laser beam but I gotta tell you there is some sort of unwritten NHL rule that if the Montreal Canadians are down by a goal in a deciding game I don't give a fuck whether you committed a penalty or not you're gonna be short a man they just I mean how many fucking years in a row can they do that for that team it's ridiculous wasn't it enough that for all those fucking decades they got first shot at every French born Canadian player wasn't that enough that they got they had their own draft pool in a six team league this so fucking overrated with their goddamn history and I love that when Bruins fans talk to him now all Canadian fans have his their history what's what's the historical playoff series record yeah that's right go back a quarter of a fucking century since the last time you dominated us you fucking French cunts you got nothing you haven't dominated us since 1987 it's over it's fucking over now if you want to trash us for not winning a cup I don't have a dog in that fight we're fucking horrific it's pathetic we haven't won in one in almost 40 years you're a hundred percent in the right but if you're gonna try and sit there and act like you're in the way you're not go do your fucking homework there Frenchie all right we've played you guys 11 times since 1988 we've beaten you seven fucking times you have four and seven against us we'd beat you in a seven game series we'd beat you all three overtime games and last time we played you we swept you one the last two games at home so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about and Dan Shaughnessy you lazy motherfucker if you're not going to watch hockey stop writing about it you know that son of a bitch when we won in game 7 he still figured out a way to shoehorn in the curse of the babe horseshit that he always writes about there's nothing funnier than watching Dan Shaughnessy write about hockey he knows nothing about it he started bringing up Johnny Pesky you know Ted Williams bucky dent he the man can only write one fucking story if there's not a ghost a goblin or a specter in it he doesn't add a right the fucking article you know it's fucking ridiculous why why don't you address the real problems Dan Shaughnessy like how the Bruins resented free agency not only didn't didn't play the game they fucking resented it they didn't want to fucking pay anybody why don't why don't you talk about that well the Canadians drafting first pick of every French born Canadian player why don't you bring shit up like that as opposed to sounding like you're pitching a show to go on after ghost hunters oh somebody get that guy a hot comb and a fucking book on god damn hockey all right let's plow ahead here um advice advice for the week oh wait i promise these guys i was gonna read now that i've said cunt 20 times i promised that i was gonna read this thing three times during the podcast so we're at the halfway point everybody open yourself up a beer go sharpen a fucking pencil at your cubicle or whatever the hell it is you do there once again people mother's day is this sunday all right don't be a douche just go to proflowers.com click on the microphone in the upper right hand corner when you type in the code uh right b-u-r-r so i get credit on my podcast and just order some flowers you get a vase you get the whole damn thing and then all you got to do is take her out to the eye hop you know you get her some pancakes what does she like eggs Benedict you know just do something like that i have you fucking broad do it but this is the thing look if you're a lazy bastard and you want to look like a good shit this year you could bang it all out you go right to proflowers buy some for your mother buy some for your girlfriend's mother and buy some for your grandmother all right then everybody in your life with the vagina can shut the fuck up for a clock seriously you know what i mean guys we don't like to shop i should really stick to the cop here mother's day is right around the corner everybody in proflowers has mother's day bouquets starting at 1999 visit proflowers.com click on the mic click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in my password b-u-r-r get her a bouquet of flowers get her a goddamn vase hand it to her tell you lover she's only going to be around for so goddamn long you know it i know it you should be doing this every damn year every fucking year all right you go there you take her out the denny's you know pour a pour a bowl of cornflakes at that point if you got the fucking flowers and the vase don't be a cheap bastard on this one you got to get the vase too like i said don't lay it in a lap like she just rode a fucking horse okay you get a vase you know women love shit all right and vase is it's just another thing oh my god he got a vase with it he really does love me all right that's the commercial at the half hour see look at this look at this i'm getting the information in i'm keeping it funny i'm still saying cunt this is phenomenal all right uh advice for this week dearest bill my entire life i've jumped from one long relationship to another oh jeez at the right age of 30 i've started to see a pattern good for you there you go that's right you've seen a pattern now see people this is how you improve your life rather than blaming others it's like being a comedian how many times can you bomb and say in this crowd sucks at some point you got to look at yourself you got to you got to go to the mirror and look at you a fucking booze bag freckled face like me a few months ago and say listen i got to lay off the booze i got i got i got to work on my act here um so this is what this guy's doing exactly you keep pulling fish out of the same poison pond and you're getting tired of it good for you sir here's the pattern he goes i start when i start dating a woman she's dalled up she's in great shape she's fun to be around she's always willing to go the extra mile by doing little things to show you she cares and she's willing to explore enjoy and share my interests all right starting off a little myopic she dresses nice and likes to do the shit i do all right after a few months one year or to one year she dolls up about 50% of the time she's still in good shape she's fun to be around she's a willing she's willing to explore and share my interests one year on little by little things start to disappear she dolls up 10% of the time she's an average to punchy shape she's fun about half the time and she's only willing to share interests that are that are already developed oh so she doesn't want to do any new things each girl seems to stray further and further away from their month one personalities at different rates yet it it seems to always stray away into the negative zone oh it never gets better i again find myself in a new relationship things okay so he gets out of that one one year in he goes i think i can find myself in a new relationship things are fantastic i'm living the dream yet i find myself terrified oh so i guess he's in a new relationship when will she stop dolling up when will she stop being easy going when will that little pouch start to grow above her belt i'm jaded and scared bill does the month one girl ever stick around am i doing something to turn these perfect girls into comfortable couch potatoes i don't want to see another one transform what do i do i know it's human nature to get comfortable sooner or later to be able to function as a normal human being it's impossible to keep that one month girl around but can't they just stay in the one month a year category do they have to go beyond the one year oh as far and he said okay am i ready to get bill burned people like that one i forget what the other one was it was uh wait i got it here at the top of the page uh uh ginger or odd ginger snap um those are my catch phrases everybody um all right let's plow ahead here uh what am i up to oh by the way i'm probably gonna forget this so if my web guy is listening please remind me to put up the youtube videos of that red-headed kid there's some poor bastard this kid i don't know how old he is he's like 12 13 years old and he makes these videos and he's just he doesn't know any better he lives in the middle of nowhere he's just making a total ass of himself so every time he and he's a redhead you know he's already in an awkward age and he's a redhead and he's a redhead male so you know that's just a fucking hail storm i live through it it's not a pretty sight snore sanose sharks go up to nothing sorry i got the game on in the background um so anyways yeah that's that's not a fun time it's not a fun time for fucking anybody unless you know you're just one of the popular kids so this kid keeps making these videos so what happened was was people started trashing them because that's what happens you know you put yourself out there you basically the second you get on a stage or you film yourself you've you basically you put yourself on a Duncan stool and given the world a bunch of baseballs that's basically what you've done this kid didn't realize it so they start fucking trashing them and rather than ignoring it he's been responding to it and he's yelling into the camera this is a message for all you haters out there i can make as many videos as i want but i'm going to continue making videos so fuck you he's doing that and he has faces all fucking freckled and read he looks like a young malachi from children of the corn he sings songs um actually i got a name and name here uh Aziz from uh parks and recreation was down uh i got to give him i got to give him credit uh Aziz and sorry he he hooked me up with these videos he goes you got to check these out because i was telling him you got to watch that guy at the del taco who gets knocked out three fucking times in this battle royal um so whatever see we you got i'm hyping that video and i hope that i remember uh to tell my web guy about it if not i hope he's listening to this podcast and they put it up because it's fucking hilarious so anyway so let's get back to this guy um he basically asked me how do i keep how does somebody stay in the one month thing well let me ask you this sir how do you do over the year do you put on any weight what do you do you know this is the thing about relationships that i learned is that they're fucking work and it's what you're discovering is that what happens is you meet somebody and yeah it's exciting it's new it's like uh i don't know you go on vacation so you never been to Miami you go to Miami Beach it's going to be fucking exciting all right you got another vacation you go to Miami Beach again it's still exciting but it's not crazy you keep fucking doing the same thing it's just natural that you start taking things for granted and it works on both sides um what i would do is if you want your girl to stay in shape is i would keep myself in shape and uh if you're into a girl that stays in shape and there's nothing wrong with that by the way there's always on those women shows that that's superficial and blah blah blah guys should look beyond and fuck you you're lazy and you want to eat ice cream and you still want to get the same amount of love like you like you have an hour glass figure you know that's just women pimping guys okay if you want a woman who's in shape why don't you fucking date someone who likes to work out that's what i would do who's into that type of shit who considers that type of thing important that's what i would do and then you kept saying shit like she's willing to explore enjoy and share my interest well that's all well and good as long as you're willing to do it with her and also i would say that you know you know it's a great thing to do in a relationship is to have interest outside of the other person and the two you fuck off for for an hour or two every day you know like i can tell you if i'm in a relationship all right and i join a gym i don't want my i don't i don't want my girl joining the same fucking gym i don't i want two hours by myself who's kidding who 20 minutes in the treadmill and be i'll lift weights tomorrow whatever say like an hour to myself i listen to my music you know i'm looking at the the fucking ass and titties of other girls right that's legal you know they're walking around in this sports bras i could do that you know listen to my acdc fucking get pumped lie to myself like dude and to the summer i'm putting up 225 kid fucking two plates on both sides dude i can lie to myself you know but i i definitely think uh look i would just say you know the next time you're you're tell tell your girl that's that's your fear said you know look i just keep being in these relationships and everything just sort of winds down everybody you know people are in good shape i wouldn't you know i don't know it's kind of a tough thing to say to be like are you gonna become a fatty in a year um i don't do you ever thought about just being single and just tagging a bunch of chicks who are in shape and every night will be exciting and new come aboard i'm expecting you so ride my single fucking goddamn cock every evidently the way you can get herpes while still wearing a condom is is i guess that the uh the part of your dick that's behind the vaginal line there basically the part you know you put a condom on you roll it down you always have it at fucking three quarters mass don't you even if you stretch it all the way down it doesn't fucking cover your whole dick there's always going to be the goddamn uh you know eighth of an inch of shaft you know unless you got a huge fucking dick and you bought the wrong condoms and half your dick's hanging out hanging out right and the condoms on top of your head and your dick looks like fucking Arnold from Happy Days remember that hat he used to wear or Big Al um i guess that's how you can get it i don't fucking know i don't want to hear about SDDs it just makes me happy i'm in a fucking relationship you know um anyways let's plow ahead here next next question here next fucking question uh bill big fan of your comedy podcast listen to it every Tuesday on the way home while i'm stuck in traffic anyway here's my deal i move to us you know what i just realized i forgot to tell you guys how i'm working on my temper i decided to break it up into chunks rather than just trying not to lose my shit i just realized i gotta i just got to attack it in chunks so this is how i'm trying to do it i'm just working on my temper in the car that's it and i've been meaning to get a post it and i'm just gonna draw a smiley face on it and just stick it on the dashboard that's what i'm trying to do and i did it this morning i was able to do it i was returning a rental car and uh you know it's sunday morning i get up i jump in the car forward fusion great fucking car too man getting this car and i uh this should be no traffic i should just shoot right up get the car back by 930 so i don't have to pay for the extra day and what happens there's always construction and i got to admit it took me a while to lose my shit but when the fucking douche cut into my lane uh that was it i just fucking without even thinking just just just pushing down on the horn and when i stopped i was like oh fuck i lost my temper i got i got i got to stop and then somebody else did something i fucking laid on the horn twice so so i failed you know the fuck that's off sides dude the officiating has just sucked in the NHL this whole fucking place how bad were the fucking calls first game uh on both sides by the way on both sides at least that first period is what i really watched um of the uh broons flyers by the way which is by the time i uh you listen to this podcast let's do it on tuesday that series is going to be one one going back to boston i think this is going to be a great series uh and i think it's going to be one of those series where i don't know it's weird the broons are weird they're just on their game right now but when they're not on their game they they just i don't know it's like they're playing the fucking ice out in the ice capades so i i don't know i'm nervous about that happening and i also what the flyers did to us last year but the thing is is the flyers have no fucking gold tending as of right now so uh and Tim Thomas is just fucking ridiculous so i think we're going to win the series i actually think we might take it six games if we win game two we win it in six if they win game two uh this fucker's going seven that's my prediction everybody for those of you want don't watch hockey you probably don't give a shit do you all right bill big fan of your comedy podcast let's do it every tuesday and the way to work anyway here's my deal i moved to austin texas about three fucking years ago because of a job i had just broken up with a long time on again off again girlfriend and was finally done with the relationship i made the decision to be single for a while and enjoy the single life and austin worked out well but i soon met a lady she turned out to be the girl for me and i was soon shopping for rings so we're getting married in the fall congratulations and i moved in about six months ago you see my girl is a real hard worker as am i um jesus crisis is fucking long settle in everybody no one has ever given us anything and like and we both worked hard to earn what we have and because of our hard work we both have successful careers careers boston accent just came out this successful career is so she's buster asked through college got a job and bought a house on her own impressive because she was only 24 at the time god damn it i wish i lived in texas and could buy a house at 24 middle of fucking nowhere anyways and since then we have worked hard to make it a home together all sounds good right yeah it sounds great well there is a catch oh jesus here we go she has this friend who she's known since childhood and they grew up together this sounds like a fucking romantic comedy they are like sisters blah blah blah she let her friend move into the house before we met oh no and was barely charging the girl rent at all she also had her sister move in but as soon as we decided to live together her sister moved out like a normal fucking person anyway so this friend of hers is still living in the house even six months after we got engaged and moved in together not only did she stay she also had her loser boyfriend move in while living there and while living there she bought a cat and a dog well i mean what the fuck dude how can we not say anything oh well here's the next sentence i had a million talks with my girl about it and how it's wildly inappropriate to have these people and animals living in our house when we're trying to start a family but she feels responsible for the well-being of her friend and doesn't want to throw her out on her ass oh no holy shit dude how big is this house anyways eventually i talked my girl into sitting down with her friend and her boyfriend and kindly tell them it's time to start looking for another place to live they agreed and everything was all good so three months later the friend still doesn't have a job and her boyfriend is only working part time as far as i can tell they haven't started looking for jobs or a place to live i've heard her complaining to my girl about not wanting to sign a lease on a dump because she's planning on getting a job and will be able to afford a nicer place soon yeah she's stringing you along it's bullshit she's the laziest bitch i ever met sounds like a dude the way you describe it and i already hate her i'm coming home every workday i'm coming home from work every day and her boyfriend her and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch playing video games oh my god i also recently found out that my girl is not charging her friend and he rented all and the boyfriend only pays 200 a month which is nothing compared to what he could be making with the fuck what we could be making with the roommate and he's a fucking loser as well 30 years old and never had a full-time job in his life he brags about not having any debt all the time but it's because he's a loser and he's been living off his girlfriend's student loans and my girl's kindness for the past two years do i have to read the rest of this let me blow through the last two paragraphs immersively and this thing people try to keep these shorter i suck at reading here um i would be constantly bitching about these people to my girl but it kills her to to know that i'm not happy she spends a lot of time trying to make my life better and i can i really can't stand to see her sad or frustrated she's stuck in a tight spot yeah dude the same thing she's doing with you that she hates to see you not happy and she wants to keep you happy she's doing that with her friends she has to make a stand here so he says so to make a point i've been leaving my stuff out in the kitchen in the living room and not cleaning up after myself and in front of everybody i tell my girlfriend to leave it that she should that they should have to clean it up because we're doing them a favor for letting them live there i've pretty much been a cocksucker openly to them every day for the last three months but they haven't gotten a hint yeah they have their fucking deadbeats they're just ignoring it so anyways but me behaving like that makes my girlfriend uncomfortable too so i backed off a bit so the latest is that they finally are starting to pick up on the fact we want them out and are making provisions to move out but i've recently found out that they're planning on moving in with my girl's mom just down the street her mom's thinks of their friends as a daughter or a good family friend and is allowing this this pisses me off because i know they're just going to mooch off her mom just like they did my girl so now i know i'm planning on having another talk no don't do that don't do that so now i am planning another talk with them about starting their own life separate from my girl or family but i know they wouldn't get the message unless i came out and became a complete dick which would totally kill my girlfriend what should i do this is what you do all right um let them move into your my girlfriend's mom's house let them fucking do it get it out of your house all right eventually they're what they will wear out there welcome at your mom's house and then they're gone it's it's but the thing is right now is if you if you tell her mom that they're fucking deadbeats and that type of shit if you'll either come off like a dick or she'll say well then to hell with that they're not moving in and then they'll be like well we can't move out of your place and now you're stuck with them all right you have the things that wouldn't leave in your fucking house and they're leaving let them leave let them go down to your sister's mom's house this is probably where your your yeah i mean your girlfriend's mom's house this is probably where she learned that fucking behavior from you know so that's her house right now what it is is you personally hate these motherfuckers and you want them to live in the shithole that they so rightfully deserve to live in so what you're doing right now is you're letting your personal hatred of them get in the way of your ultimate goal which is to get them the fuck out of the house which is happening okay if her mother wants to take them in let her do it and eventually she will discover that they're fucking mooches now i know what you're thinking like what kind of a fucking future son-in-law am i if i don't give her the heads up and i'm telling you just judging by the way your future bride is this is just how they are they're giving people who get taken advantage of by mooches and the same way your fiance is learning this lesson your mother's going to learn the lesson so these people are actually great that they came into your life because they hopefully you'll be able to use them as an example all throughout your marriage whatever their fucking names are you're going to be like well look we're going to end up another situation like Kathy and michael fuckface remember that when they sat on the goddamn couch playing atari for three fucking years um yeah dude listen you don't want to fight both those fights you'll end up like america you're going to have two wars going on at once you're going to go bankrupt don't do that shit all right arrak is your house let them go to fucking afghanistan don't fucking worry about it a vice versa we're into afghanistan first i don't know how to fucking say it i don't read i don't give a shit douchebag of the week by the way is hammer lick from fucking the Canadians that guy's an all-star man he knows better than that flopping around out there like he's on fucking i love lucy or something doing a good caribou net show doing a goddamn sketch get up all right last one i'm gonna read here everybody coming up on an hour keeping this one nice and tight hey bill i love you stand up comedy and your podcasts are freaking hilarious thank you very much i love what you're doing and i hope you keep doing it but thank you i'm a junior in high school and i really have a problem with my mom's boyfriend uh yeah i would think so for the obvious reason but we're not going to get into that because you're too young to talk about it i don't know what to do because my mom used to be really cool and she would really listen to me when her boyfriend wasn't around now when he comes over she makes she makes me cook my own dinner which isn't that bad to do but the fact that she ignores me and listens to him more than she does to me is what really gets to me this guy can be a real asshole to me and my mom oh jesus christ and the thing is that they fight all the time and yet they're still together after five years you can tell a douche bag when you see one and this guy really takes the trophy of number one douche bag in the country all right you know what fuck that douche bag of the week is the dude dating this kid's mom he even yells at my mom sometimes and i felt the urge to confront him one time and my mom is the one who gets mad at me for trying to defend her i feel like this guy has changed my mom from a nice cool mom to one of those reality show moms who don't really give a shit about their kids yeah see this is why you got to be careful who you're letting to your life this guy has kids and he treats them way worse than he treats my mom i feel really bad for his kids for having such a bad father figure in their lives yeah this guy's horrific he's never he's never gotten violent with my mom i think but i think my mom has gotten dependent on him for some fucked up reason yeah because he's probably doing that he's working on a self-esteem he probably criticizes the shit out of her and he's turned a nice positive great mom into a negative person who's not paying attention to her kid yeah she's got a dumped this guy and i'm pretty sure it's taken a toll on what my mom is like as a person i have no idea what my mom sees in him because they have practically nothing in common and he's a total asshole to her and to me what i really need is advice on how i can handle this situation what i can do to make this situation better for me and my mom besides choking this guy in the middle of the night i would really appreciate some sound advice from you even though you don't have kids i would also like to know if you were doing any gigs or any shows around southern california because i really like to see in person thanks bill all right this is what you got to do all right this is very tricky one of the hardest things to do is when somebody you love is dating an asshole to approach them and say hey i think the person you're dating is an asshole because they're going to get unbelievably defensive all right so i would leave that part out of it what i would do is when that douche bag isn't around i would basically tell your mom what you told me minus the bad shit about him just say listen you know i just feel like you know you're not listening to me as much as you used to tell your lover tell us she's the greatest mom and just just tell her that you felt like you used to be closer and that you're feeling like you're not as close as you used to be and that you know you realize that you're her time with their boyfriend is important but i'd like to have uh whatever schedule some hang time with you guys and you know what when you guys are out there having a good time maybe she can you know slowly turn into that person she used to be and then eventually kind of trick her into talking about that guy and let her be the first one this is this is down the road let her once you guys you know have you a hang day you know and i'll tell you right now if if that guy gets in the way what she probably will try to because he sounds like an insecure douche bag that if you guys are actually hanging out you know there's a lot of like little Mussolini's running around the world they just don't have the fucking charisma and the right cataclysmic moment in history to take power so what they do is rather than ruining countries they just ruin families everyone that they come in contact with so this that's what this cunt is like and he'll probably try and take that time away from you guys because he'll be convinced isn't the back of his head i bet he knows he's a fucking asshole um or he's a paranoid psycho and he thinks everybody's talking about him anyways which of course you attract what you fear in life so i think uh just keep it about you and her tell her how great she is mother's day is coming up it's perfect and just say listen you know i'm getting older these next few years are going to fly by you know i'd like to take advantage of this time let's spend time together you know just you and me like we used to just one day a week i respect your time with your boyfriend but you know one day a week i'm your son for christ's sake we can do this and like i said during that time um that douche won't be around it'll be just the two of you i bet the old her comes out a little bit if you do it once a week it's like therapy and like i said eventually you let you let her bring it up let her bring up with that that guy's an asshole you know he's kind of been a dick you know what i mean you just kind of sit there like yeah yeah i do know what you mean and just respectfully call the guy an asshole and as far as choking that guy in the middle of the night uh don't do that now don't do that wait till you like high school years you know wait till you hit your growth spurt you know you start filling out you start throwing the weights around that's when you do it you know take a nice karate class go with the submission hold that's what i would do you know you choke them out they just go to sleep you know there's no concussion there's nothing like he just he just takes a little nap i'm not advocating violence wink wink um all right youtube videos a week that's going to be the podcast for this week uh here's the youtube videos for this week um i already hyped that amazing seven-year-old drummer fucking awesome uh these are all going to be on the mm podcast dot com the official fan page of the monday morning podcast if you'd like to donate all right uh to the podcast is a donate button right on the right hand side of the home page right underneath the facebook twitter and all those logos you just click on donate whatever you want to give me i don't give a fuck one dollar one thousand i don't give a shit i'll fucking take any of it um and anyways all these youtube videos will be up there next one greatest dance number ever filmed according to fredestare who was considered the greatest dancer of that time but uh he was a phenomenal dancer but he was also a white dude so he had an advantage like the Montreal Canadians getting first pick of every french born Canadian fucking player um that's what white people were in hollywood back then um but during this time you know and this is this i think this is really cool that fredestare said this shows you what a cool guy this was this guy was that he gave uh he gave a shout out to the uh jesus christ where the fuck's the video now what did i do oh christ what did i do that's not the right one that's not the right one there's a fucking hang on a second the hell did i do here all right greatest the nicolas brothers hope i'm saying that right you got to watch this video even if you don't like all those fucking so you think you can dance so you think you can do a split and have your twat stick to the floor you know well be the judge of that if you don't like those fucking shows you got to watch these guys these guys are unbelievable it's called the greatest dance number ever filmed in the beginning you're probably not gonna like it cap calloway's in there scat singing i fucking hate scat singing i i just don't like it i don't think it's a talent scuba that be my boo alama dooba that be shut your fucking face learn how to play the trumpeter shut the fuck up i can't stand it but at once he's done and he does his little fucking head bopping i never liked that fucking guy i used to like him and one time i read miles davis autobiography and he trashed cab calloway saying that when uh he's he ratted somebody out for fucking having drugs on him you know which was basically the jazz musician version of those fucking assholes who ratted out actors for being potentially members of the communist party in the fifties to joe macarti so fuck him but once he's out of it all right with his stupid conch when he gets the fuck out of the goddamn video watch these two guys it's unfucking believable man just the the level of talent that these guys have isn't saying all right and then you know last week i hyped those videos about the the new planet the apes move in coming movie coming out um people send in some smart chimp videos these things are fucking awesome uh one is of a chimp uh they they stick a peanut in the bottom of this giant graduated cylinder and i gotta be honest with you i couldn't figure out how to get this fucking thing out of there and this chimp figures it out i think we're actually going to facilitate them taking over the planet if we keep keep teaching them this shit at the very least being smarter than half the people in shop class uh then there's another video another smart chimp trying to get them to work together human beings are so fucking stupid the scientists out there trying to get chimps trying to get them to help move like move a heavy piece this heavy rock to get them to learn how to pull all in the same direction teach them that fucking skill you know so right there they can get me a bomb shelter back in the day if you if you had oh my god the the fucking chimpanzees are gonna rip my my god damn nuts off in my face off he could go into your bomb shelter and close that fucking metal you they're gonna teach him how to open it up and then there's a last one steve vi acoustic i know you're here and this is uh i totally respect steve i um he's one of those guys who he was a hired gun during the hair metal days and he survived he carved out his own niche he never stopped creating and he goes around he sells out theaters he's making his money i told you guys that uh my favorite behind the music of all time was vanilla ice because he's still had his money just seeing all those broke i mean most of the guys a lot of guys still had their money motley crew still had their money i like that one um arrow smiths was great because they still had their money i just hated seeing the guy i hate i hate seeing people fail i hate it you know unless it's the canadians the Yankees the jets are the Lakers dude if anybody can tell me how the Lakers aren't gonna win the championship this year with the fucking old ass Celtics trading away Kendrick Perkins and the spurs losing to the the fucking grizzlies it's over there is no fucking way the Lakers aren't going to win the championship score to trade red wings i'm trying to jinx the Lakers by saying that because other than that i don't think there's anything stopping them um so anyways what the fuck was i just talking about i totally lost my frame of thought my train of thought or my frame of reference or in my world my frame of thought i'm a fucking moron um what the fuck was i talking about that it's gone people it's gone forever that's how my brain works all right in the end of the podcast let's uh let's hype my dates what do i got here coming up oh by the way i told you guys i was doing david letterman um that is not going to be happening because believe it or not guess who got called back for another episode of glee speaking at dancing see what you guys don't realize is when i sing on the podcast i'm just fucking around i actually have a wonderful voice and i am a triple threat i can deliver the jokes i can sing the songs and i can fucking i can do a little shim shim i can dance um yeah that bringing me back to glee and i'm actually doing a singing and dance number with that androgynous kid who hangs out with that fucking angry blonde chick we're going to be singing uh i want a new drug but we're doing the club version so it's going to be really really sexy um i'm going to be one of those uh v-neck t-shirts that shows man cleavage it's going to be awesome so look for that so i won't be doing letterman because of that and also i'm going to be at the anti-social comedy tour february i'm february may 13th and uh in washington dc go to anti-socialcomedy.com for all your tickets and all the links like i said these tickets are selling very fast i don't know how long we're gonna be doing this tour or how long we're uh i don't know that's hilarious i basically said what i wanted to say i wanted to say how long this tour is gonna last or how long we're gonna be doing this tour and i got right to the second one and my brain just shuts off because it works in a straight line yeah i don't know how long we're gonna be doing this tour and how long this lineup is gonna last and uh i gotta tell you it's been a long fucking time since i've been on a show where i just stand and i watch the entire show i'm a comedian nothing makes me fucking laugh and i am working with three fucking beasts on this and uh it's worth every goddamn cent i guarantee you so make sure you get your ass down there um and other than that i'm gonna be doing carolines comedy club may 19th through the 22nd and uh and then the chicago theater with another anti-social network tour we added seattle last week and we're also doing las vegas all those dates are up on anti-socialcomity.com and that's it and one last plug i gotta do mother's day coming up guys come on do it for your mother go to proflowers.com click on the uh the microphone in the upper right hand corner uh when it asks you for the code type in burr b-u-r-r and uh in shop awake they'll deliver them right to your house it's perfect you know don't get yourself into that situation where you are that's fucking off-sides thank you jesus christ take your fucking whistle out so anyways go to proflowers proflowers proflowers.com click on the microphone in the upper right hand corner type in burr is the code get your mother some flowers get your girlfriend's mother some flowers get your grandmother's from flowers for once be a swell guy you know it's gonna be all set then you write something nice in the card you're all set you don't even have to leave your fucking house how great is that you know if you're one of these people are you scared of the internet are you like me you know if that's what you like then you can just call uh there's a 1-800 number where the fuck is it 1-800 proflowers and mention the monday morning podcast in my name bill burr order the fucking flowers and that's it that's the ah jesus hour and eleven minutes i still went over all right but i also did ten minutes of commercials um that's it that's it for this week thank you to everybody who came out and saw our film uh cheat um we're gonna be uh i think we're gonna be doing a film festival in chicago i will have more information about that next week or in the upcoming weeks um we shall be in more film festivals and podcast listeners will get a chance to check out the film we're currently writing a book and when that comes out in the beginning of next year the full short of the film cheat will be available in the back of the book and we're gonna do a little tour hopefully me bobby and joe will be selling the books signing them taking pictures smiling and waving in 2012 trying to sell as many books as we can before old jesus comes back and tells us what a bunch of cuts we are all right that's it that's the podcast for this week uh go fuck yourselves don't take any shit i'll talk to you next week