Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Orangutans, the story of Easter, and the Canadiens
What's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 25th, 2011. How the fuck are you? Yeah. Well, that's good. Uh, I'm in a good mood here. I just did the levels this week. Let me know how you guys have, uh, if this is too loud because some truckers, some truckers, some truckers wrote me in. Hey man, I'm down across this fucking country bringing bacon and beard, all these fat fucks out here. And well, my, well, my, when my Rick gets a rumbling, I can't hear your podcast. They are, come on, good buddy. Can you turn it up for me? You got your ears on with that whole fucking phenomenon on back in the 70s. You guys old enough to remember that shit when having a CB and being a fucking redneck trucker was actually in for half a second. And I'm not talking about that Ashton Kutcher horse shit. When he walked around with this fucking greasy trucker hat, right? Before he started banging that fucking hot mom up there and Wyoming with their big fake fucking tits. I'm not talking about that. His trucker hat that actually said Von Dutch on it. Do you guys even know what the fuck that was? I didn't till I moved out to LA and realized that that was the guy who did all the custom paint on the hot rods. Isn't that what the fuck it was? I'm talking about before that, talking about when, when there was shows on TV with guys who hung out with monkeys. And it was, Clint Eastwood was making movies with monkeys. Like that was like, those were like the vampire movies of the late 70s. He had any which way but loose. Any which way you can. Why the fuck am I doing a trilogy with an orangutan? I think was the last one that he did. And they even had a TV show. It's my voice cracks. They even had a TV show called BJ in the bear. And the bear was had a hat on. Like Paul Bear Bryant, who was the old coach of the fucking Alabama Crimson Tide. And I didn't get that. You know, cause what, what were they saying about him? You know, they're calling him a monkey. Is that racist? They call a white man a monkey? Oh Jesus. Um, this is the podcast for this week, ladies and gentlemen. So this is, this is going to be the levels I adjusted the base. Somebody said the, the base was too fucking low. Like I have all these buttons on these, on these goddamn thing. I don't even know how to work it. So I just realized that there's a high, a mid and a low range. So gradually, eventually this podcast will become professional. Look at me. I'm pacing around. I'm pacing around my old fucking bedroom. That's what I'm doing here on Easter fucking Easter Sunday. Did you guys, uh, do you guys go to church? Holy, holy, holy eat this fucking wafer. It's the body of a guy who came out of womb. That was never fucked. Is that what you guys did? You gave you a little colored eggs for the fucking weed smokers, man. Um, I'm fucking tired. I'm just, I'm trying to go on energy this week, people. I just, that was just, you know, I was like, you know, remember back in the day when you get into a fight with somebody and you knew you were going to lose. So you just had that first spastic eight seconds of the fight. We were like, just swinging before you just started punching in the head and you started crying. Then the girl you had a crush on. That's the first person when you looked up. That's the one you always saw the dirt in the side of your face and the fucking pebbles stuck in your skin. And she just, you know, you know what killed you? She didn't look away. She was walking away, but she was making eye contact and she didn't know what she was thinking because she was so young, but it was just her inner DNA was clicking in already. That was just letting her know was just giving her innocent little stay away from that. You know, when she gets older, it gets more sophisticated with, you cannot breed with that. When you're young, it's just sort of, he looks icky. Um, anyways, the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about truckers. Let's let's work our way back here. B.J. and McKay, B.J. McKay and his best friend, Bear. Is there any truckers listening to this shit? And that's why you became a trucker? You know, you were flunking math. You sucked in English class history, didn't interest you. And then one day there was a show that will let you know that your dream or someday driving a truck with a chimpanzee could come true. You're like, dude, that's what the fuck I'm going to do. Did speaking it did. Um, I mentioned this week that I was going to have a couple of guests on the Monday morning podcast, not one guest, not two guests, but two guests. Sorry, it's got to be three, right? You always got to say, not this, not this, but this, which is a hard thing to do when the numbers two, but I plowed through it. I'm going to have two guests and I was thinking of doing it on this podcast. And I was like, you know what? Well, why don't I do two podcasts this week? Why don't I overindulge like all the kids running around with their fucking candy? Not really learning the story of Jesus. Isn't this story? This is the day about the conquering of life over death, right? I read a little bit. Everybody was thinking Jesus was dead. They were like, I can't believe it. He was the number one draft pick, dude. We was supposed to get the championship. But what does he do? He fucking shits the bed on Friday. Where is he? Where the fuck is he last? I heard he was in a cave hide behind a rock. He's fucking dead. His career is over. It's it. We need to, we need to go to another motivational speaker. And then what happens? All of a sudden, some nosy prick walked in, right? Started rolling the rock back, probably the original Geraldo Rivera, you know, with some just fucking amazing medieval mustache. And he came walking in there and Jesus was just laying there, right? I can overuse this reference for the 500th time and two weeks laying there like fucking Bert Reynolds with that leaf over his cock. Why do I talk about that so much? Do I have a crush on Bert Reynolds? Odie, you were fucking queer. Sorry, I didn't adjust him like that. Um, no, it's just fucking it's just hilarious to me. I love the 70s. I love what you could get away with. You know, so anyways, so Jesus is laying there, right? And his playgirl fucking spread his hippie hair laying down, you know, and then let me see if I can remember this from church. And then these like, there was like at least three guys came walking in and they were the guys who hung out with them and his last supper, right before Judas betrayed him. Do you know Jesus? Nah, dude, I don't know that mother fucker. What do you think he's going to say? You just nailed him to a fucking piece of wood. Give a fuck who it is up on that. I don't know that guy. Yeah, good for you. Way to go. Jesus. Let's get the fuck out of here. I really think, I think Judas gets a bad rap. Look, I think you should always stick by your friends, but Jesus Christ, what the fuck he's supposed to do in them? It's over. You know, do you realize the nerve damage you're going to get if somebody drives the nails? I've heard different things through the hands or through the forearms, you know, in between the radius and all another fucking nerve damage you're going to get at that point, right? You're not coming back from that. You can't continue being a carpenter. But wait a minute. He's a son of God. Why didn't he just just, you know, hover off that thing and make and just go heal. And then he was better. Why didn't he do that? You know, why didn't do that? Because then he couldn't guilt you for your entire life. Look at me. Look what I did. Happy Easter, everybody. Anyways, they fucking, so, yeah, so the guy dies, right? He dies and he's like, oh God, what do we do? Then it started raining really bad. And then Steve Corel put a bunch of animals on a boat, right? He saved them. No, wait, then those three guys who find them in the cave would have been dead because they weren't on the boat. All right, let's back up. Let's back up to 12 as that. No, no, BS before Steve, before Steve Corel B's BSC. All right. What the fuck am I three fucking guys walk into the damn cave and then they go, Hey, are you sleeping? Are you awake in Jesus? Now I'm up. You're like, you're not Jesus. We saw you. You died. And they go, it is me. And then, and then they didn't believe it was him. And then they were in trouble. You know, then they were sitting next to Judas at the fucking bench outside the principal's office waiting to go in and see God. Why did you say he didn't know my son? You know my son, you've been over my house. What is your story, Judas? Why did you deny him? Hey, listen, man, you know, I didn't want any trouble. The guy was, you know, I was coming to get you. You know, Judas is basically that fucking guy. Yeah, was it Bobby and Saturday night fever? Remember that shit when he drove away and he didn't fight? That's who Judas is. Is he built? Yeah, I think he is. According to my version, my new version of the Old Testament is it the Old Testament or the new, the new one, whatever. So these fucking guys walk in and then basically how they figure out it's Jesus is he takes one of their hands and he puts it in the wound on the side of him and then they go, Oh, yeah, it is you. It was weird because I hung out with you and I know what your face looks like, but unless I stuck my hand inside your fucking chest cavity, I wasn't really convinced. Wait a minute. Yeah. Yeah. Feel that liver. Tell me that's not Jesus. That's him. It's fucking him. So, uh, yeah, that's the history of the Jesus part of it. Dude, it is hot as fucking this room. I'm in my old apartment. I have to have the doors closed. Oh, so anyway, yeah, so I decided I was going to do two podcasts this week. I'm going to do the regular one. The regular one where I ramble and I piss off fucking Jesus freaks and talk to truckers. What are you guys doing your trucks? You got the Confederate flags. Do you go yee hah when you change lanes? You know, you like, you like when, when liberals do shit like that? That's one thing I've noticed about liberals there as fucked up to the left as the people all the way on the right, you know, there is intolerant, you know, am I preaching? Jesus is a taught in here. This isn't me. I don't preach. Do I? Oh Jesus. Um, I'm just trying to get my bearings here, people. The fuck was I talking? Oh, then you got the Easter buddy. All right. And according to Wikipedia, the Easter buddy came from Germany. You know, so all you people out there think Germans are the most evil motherfuckers on the planet just cause they started two world wars and tried to wipe an entire group of people off the face of the earth by sticking them in ovens, you know? Yeah. All right. You got them. They're a little evil there, but you know what? They got a soft side. They got a soft side. His name is Peter Cottontail, right? Here comes Peter Cottontail. I've been down the buddy trail. Hippity, Hippity, fuck you motherfucker, right? One of the few Easter songs I ever do. He's got jelly beans for Bobby, colored eggs for sister Sue. Um, so anyways, I guess they brought that tradition over here and people have always asked the sign feldian question. Why do they have eggs come out of a rabbit? Because evidently, uh, there was a sign of fertility, I guess, according to Wikipedia. Basically birds, you know, they lay a bunch of eggs. Very fertile. And, uh, bunny rabbits when they, uh, when they get fucking knocked up. All right. When some fucking hair starts pulling the back of their ears as he's fucking Jack Hammer and in the back of that little rabbit pussy, what comes out, right? Like fucking 48 rabbits every goddamn time. That's why snakes are so fat. They're just, they're just not, there's, there's just plenty of rabbits to feast on. Right? I don't fucking know. People like Lance at this shit right before I started the podcast. So basically they combine the two of those. I don't know why the whole fucking thing is weird and it has to do with life, I guess. And Jesus coming back from the dead, coming back to life and the eggs. The lie. I don't fucking know. It makes no goddamn sense to me. I mean, you know what it is? I think the story of those guys walking into the cave and somebody getting nailed to a goddamn cross and then somebody having to stick their hand in the side of a human being like they're reaching into a giant wallet was just too creepy to say to kids. So you got to come up with this shit, right? You know, it was pre-TV. What do you do? Just give them a basket full of fucking colored eggs and some candy. You know, when I was a kid, I thought those Cadbury eggs were chocolate fucking eggs. Remember that fucking rabbit was sitting there? I thought that that and I thought they were disgusting and I have a sweet tooth and I never got them because when they broke them open, it looked like a fucking egg yolk inside of it. And I was like, there's no way that's, that's, I don't want to chocolate covered egg. Let's get on with the podcast for this week. I have a couple announcements. So what I was, what I was trying to say, I don't even know if I've said it at this point, this is why I never do podcasts when I travel, but I had, I had a quick trip. Came in from Detroit. So rather than just do the one podcast and have Bobby, Bobby, Bobby Kelly, my old roommate, we're going to tell stories about how we used to live together and we almost beat the shit out of each other. And that time he threw the racket ball when I had the Conan O'Brien audition and it ricocheted off the wall, went into the bathroom and hit me in the mouth and cut my fucking lip right before I had to go down and showcase for the Conan people as he was riding on this bootleg stairmaster that he fucking took off the sidewalk because he grew up in a fucking junkyard. All right, that's one of the stories we'll be telling. And then we're also going to be lucky enough to have the teen idol sensation from the Opie and Anthony program, Joe DeRosa, everybody, Joe DeRosa is also going to be on the Monday morning podcast, the special edition, the limit, the Shelby GT 500 edition of this mother fucking podcast. Oh, speaking of which last week we added a donation button, bunch of people donated. I really appreciate it. You know, I'm able to fucking pay my Web guy a few more fucking dollars. And eventually, you know, I'm going to be able to hire somebody to help me with this mixer. So it sounds okay. I'm going to have a whole little fucking radio station. I'm taking this thing to the next level, people. But some of you guys were actually having difficulty finding the, uh, the podcast donation button. If you just go on the MMP.com, the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast, if you just go on there, um, if you look under the icons on the right, you'll see the Twitter, Facebook, uh, and something else over there. Those icons, you know, right underneath that, you'll see donate and there's a big donate button. You just click on that. Whatever you want to give people have been given like 10, 20 bucks. The average has been about 20 bucks. I've had a couple of ridiculous, uh, donations from people. And, um, I tried to write back as many as you can as I could to say, thanks. I'm going to write back some more today after I do this. I really appreciate you guys kicking in and all the, uh, positive feedback I got. I really appreciate you guys kicking in for this thing. Um, and I'm going to take the money and reinvest into this fucking thing. And I realized I got myself a little radio show here. I'm kind of excited, kind of excited about this. And I want to take it to another level. Um, and speaking of another level, um, the Tribeca Film Festival has begun and cheat the film that we did. Um, our film cheat, as I should say, uh, debuted last night. And, uh, they put us on at the end of eight different films and evidently I wasn't there. Joe DeRosa, fresh off his fucking cover shoot of Teen Beat magazine, uh, was there. And once he got done signing autographs for all the kids, he went in and evidently, according to him, I got a text. He said the film fucking killed. And, uh, I can't even tell you last time I was that excited. I was like really nervous. Um, and I got to give him kudos because I wouldn't have had the balls to sit there. Just the, the unbelievable lack of power that you'd have in that situation. Like as a comedian, I'm standing, it's live. If it's not funny, I can do something about it in the moment. Even if I'm doing like the podcast, I can feel when it's not funny, I'll make, I can do something, but film is done and you just sit in there. And if it's not working, you can't stop it. You can't improv. You can't feed the crowd. You just sit in there. It's done. Um, but evidently he sat there and, uh, I guess it fucking killed and, uh, we're hoping all the other screens are going to go that way. Pretty much all the shows are sold out. So I want to thank everybody. Once again, it's a big love fest here. I want to thank everybody for, uh, for coming out and supporting the film. I hope you guys enjoy it. Those of you who get tickets, those who aren't going to be able to see it, we will definitely figure out a way to get it out there to you guys. Uh, so you will be able to see it. And, uh, and with that, you want to hear something to some of the media exports fan, I am though, however, despite the fact that I got off stage sold out show at the Royal Oak Theater, Royal Oak Michigan. I want to thank everyone who came out for that fucking thing. I get off stage. All right. And I am well aware that the Bruins and the Canadians are in double overtime. Now last week, if you remember, the Bruins lost the first to all the Montreal fans are walking away from their MP, fucking three players right now. Aren't you? Where you going? Where you get over here, get over here. Come back, sit down, sit down and take it a little bit. All right. You motherfuckers, you sent me a lot of your snooty little French Canadian fucking emails talking about how Boston Bruins were done because we lost the first two at home, didn't you? Look at me. Come on, Jacques. Up here. I'm up here. Yeah. You sent me a bunch of fucking emails saying that we were finished. All right. And what did I say? I said last week, ask not. No, I said last week that we weren't finished. And I said that we were going to fucking kill them in game three. We didn't kill them, but we beat them. All right. For those of you aren't hockey fans. We beat them in their fucking building. They could have gone up three. Oh, now it's two one. Ah, no big deal. Just went game four. They're up three one. They got another home game. No way the Bruins are going to win again at in their fucking building. This is the fucking Montreal Canadians. Right? I saw a video on YouTube that was hyping this series. And when all they showed was the Canadians kicking the shit out of the Bruins, even like modern day footage, then winning fights, everything. And the in the in the in the the narrator goes took to close it out and said pretty much own the Bruins forever. Right? Oh, did that get my blood going? It's like they haven't owned the Bruins since pre 1988. Okay. Up to 1987, they fucking owned our asses. We couldn't beat them, but since then they've been a non factor. We've met them 10 times in the playoffs. We've beaten them six times. The last time we played them, we beat them four games in a fucking row. The last two in their building. I don't get it. They're not in the way of us or anybody else winning a cup. They're not who they used to be. They dominated a six team league. That it's that's it. It's over. And then the hangover of the expansion six until everybody got on their fucking feet and then they added the Edmonton Oilers in the seventies were over. They haven't dominated since. All right. Enough already with that bullshit. So anyways, all they got to do is win game four. What happens to fucking Bruins win it in overtime. Now it's two two. We're going back to Boston. All right. Last night double overtime fucking game. I'm on stage missing every fucking second of it. Having the time of my life though, having a great time. All these people showed up in fucking Detroit. Absolutely beautiful fucking town that just needs a coat of paint and evidently some windows. And they really need like Detroit looks like a hurricane came and everybody boarded up their fucking windows and they never bothered to take it off. That's what really looks like. It's sad because they have these beautiful brick houses. There's a few cities that I go to and it makes me sad how beautiful they are and they've just been run down Detroit, Cleveland, upper Darby when I went there in the last couple weeks ago did tower theater and Philly. It's just it's just it's awful. It's like you're looking at like 200 seasons of this old house. You could just have never ending of people coming in and fixing up these awesome houses and making them great again. But anyways, so I get off stage. This is how much of a fucking psycho sports fan am. I know that our film is debuting at the Tribeca Film Festival. It's the first film I've ever done like this where I was involved at this level. Okay, and I open I look at my phone and I get a text from Joe DeRosa, right? And it says the film fucking killed with like 20 exclamation points behind it. So I'm totally psyched. Now, wouldn't you think that that would be my first phone call to find it at now? The first thing I'm doing is I'm looking for texts from fellow Bruins fans and I'm not getting anything that's letting me know what happened. I got a couple of texts saying, can you fucking believe this? Because it was this unbelievable game. And but nothing saying whether they want to loss and my fucking heart sunk. And it reminded me of the time I was watching work in the improv in DC and the fucking Patriots were playing the Colts in the AFC Championship game and we were up like 20 to nothing or something at the half. And I got a bunch of calls from Pat's fans going to Peyton Manning's choking again. Can you fucking believe this? And when all these Pat's fans were already calling me. And when I got off stage, when the show was over 90 fucking minutes later after I sold DVDs, probably about two hours later, I got off and I had no texts and no messages and I was like, Oh, called up, found out the fucking Colts actually came back to win. So I get off stage. And all I have is people reacting to the overtime. And then I don't get any fucking texts. So I assumed the worst that the Canadians won. And I called up somebody and I said, what happened? I fucking squint and cut made this call before I found out about the film. And what did I find out? What did I find out the fucking Bruins wanted? Now we're up three games to two. Okay. Against this team that's pretty much owned as forever. Give me a fucking break. You guys owned us. And I fucking own the fact that you owned us, but you have not owned us since 1988. You have not stand the fuck down. It's been a whole different era since then. Enough already. How you know what it is? It's just lazy sports journalism. You just dusting off that same fucking stupid story. Enough already. You ought to be a shandy yourself. Whoever wrote that piece. All right, two thumbs down from this Bruins fan. So that's the deal, dude. It's fucking three to two. And now we're going up to Montreal with once again with an opportunity to close out the series in fucking Montreal. And not to mention, I also twittered. I don't tweet. I Twitter. I said a few days ago, what did I say? I'm going to be that guy. Dude, I called it this week. I fucking said this game. This series is going seven and Tim Thomas is going to be the difference. Gary Price is not there yet. I'm telling you, we're going to beat these motherfuckers. You hear me, Montreal? We're going to fucking beat you sons of bitches. All right. And then what? Then what? Then we're going to be going on 25 years, a quarter of a century of you guys not owning us. Are you still going to dust that fucking story off? It's over. It's over. You guys are over. And this fucking series is over because we're closing it out in games. I'm fucking with you. You know what I really think is going to happen? I think I don't think that the Montreal fans are going to allow their team to lose this series in their building. You know, this is the one thing I got to give. I got to give up a couple of things to the fucking Canadians. Aside from having one of the best uniforms in sports, despite the fact that when I look at it, it makes me fucking rage. I got to admit, it's a great fucking uniform. Number two, your fans are fucking ridiculous. They're just awesome fans. You're obnoxious, you're snooty, whatever. But I mean, the way that you guys push your team, that's why I think you guys are going to win game six because of that shit. And also, I really hope that Suban is going to be a fucking free agent and we can sign him because I think that guy's the shit and he's going to be a star. Other than that, go fuck yourselves. Go eat a fucking croissant or whatever and get ready to start golfing people because this series is fucking over. I'm fucking with you. I never talked shit like this and I'm not confident that it's over. This thing changed on a dime and it can change back again. When the fuck am I going to get a job on one of these sports channels and put on a sport coat and sit there with my little pen tapping it, waiting to chime in as the straight lace guy. You know, we've always got the straight lace guy going up and months real. The blue block a rooze or up. What are you going to say about that, Bill? And I'm the fucking moron who wears like a short sleeve shirt under a blazer. Well, I'm going to tell you if I'm carrying price, I got to be thinking. All right. I know what people are saying. Way too much sports talk. Well, why don't you go fucking read a book then? What do you want me to get back to my amazing talks about history? I don't know shit. All right. You listen to me. Hear me? It's in that fucking beard. All right. I have another announcement to make this week. Seattle, the anti social network tour, the brilliant comedian comedic fucking brainchild, whatever, whatever. What is that expression? Whatever the, the, the, the line up. God damn it. I'm trying to hype this. What is the fucking word? Ah, gives a shit. I'm too stupid. Look, Jim Norton came up with this great idea. He said, you know what? I got a showdown in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I do it every year. What if I brought down a couple of pals, a couple of buddies brought down David tell Jim Brewer and myself. We had a great time. People showed up. We had to add shows. We like, Holy shit, this could be something. So now we're adding cities. The next city that we are adding is Seattle. I am officially announcing Seattle. And I am officially announcing it without the fucking date. Of course, I am the fucking worst. I had everything laid out. There it is. There it is. I got it. Right? No, I don't. Here's a new button I hit. There's the fucking Easter egg shit. Is this it? Oh, you such a dumb fuck. Oh, here we go. All right. Seattle should be announced on Monday, April 25th check. I am doing that. It goes on sale Friday, April 29th at www.tickets.com. The show is on July 1st at the beautiful, the lovely Paramount Theatre in Seattle, Washington. You can go to anti-socialcomedy.com and Facebook.com/anti-socialcomedy. We'll have direct ticket links and all other show information. And I am going to announce this. Please make sure you announce this first thing Monday. Well, I think the Monday morning podcast is the first perfect vehicle. So there you go, people. Seattle, Washington, July 1st. Tickets go on sale next Friday, April 29th. Go to tickets.com, anti-socialcomedy.com or Facebook.com/anti-socialcomedy. Come on out and check out three amazing fucking comedians and myself mopping up. Not even mopping up. I'm coming out of the gate. Anyways, what was I just going to say about Seattle? Do I have anything else to hype about that? Oh, I know. We got that same tour. If you like that line up and you live in different parts of the country, that's a West Coast date. If you want a Midwest date, June 15th, we're at the Chicago Theatre in Chicago, Illinois, one of the most underrated cities in this goddamn country. And if you live on the East Coast, May 13th, we're going to be at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. I can't wait to do that gig because fans of stand up comedy. I might be a little wrong on a couple of these specials, but I know Eddie Murphy taped delirious there. I believe Martin Lawrence taped a special there and Chris Rock did. I don't know which Chris Rock one. So I think it's fitting that four white guys are now going to come in and hold hands and do one giant show. All right, to take that venue back. No, I'm kidding. The fuck was that all about? I think that was one for the truckers. All right, let's plow ahead with the podcast here. People, enough with the announcements, enough with the bullshit. Let's get to Jesus Christ bill. Why don't I have this fucking laid out? Oh, I know. Last week I asked you guys. I said, can you guys help me out? You know, by giving me a little bit of feedback on last week's podcast to help me keep the fucking ball in the air here for an hour. And here's something last week we were talking about STDs. Somebody wrote in and was talking about how they met this wonderful lady. Okay, then he goes to the zoo and they're not looking at the ostriches. They're not looking at the gorillas. They're fucking looking into each other's eyes and they're just totally connecting. You like juggling? I like juggling, right? Totally headed off. Then it finds out, she finds out the dude finds out she's got herpes. What do I do? Wow, that just remind me that old Sesame Street song. No left turn, no right turn bomb. What do you do? Remember that one? Every once in a while an old Sesame Street song pops into my head. And you know what I was thinking of the one the other day? Do you remember Bob? So called what man? Remember him from the from Sesame Street? Bob was one of the whitest guys ever. And they sang a song. I think it was teaching you about your fucking the shit on your face. And everybody's singing. I got I got a nose. I got a mouth. I got I got two ears. I got two eyes. They're singing this little ditty. I remember Susan the black girl on there, right? She sang about the ears right before Bob. And she totally sasses it up, which made Bob sound even whiter. I forget how the whole song went. But Susan the black chick went first. And then Bob, who made fucking John Denver look like a fucking chick. He was in the God damn crypts. So she sings about the ears. And then he comes on the song. Basically, the only thing I remember is she goes, I got two ears to help me. And he goes, I've got two eyes and they're both the same size. And I remember being like five or six years old, thinking there was something wrong with Bob that he shouldn't have sung it that way. Can anybody send me a link to that? I've got two eyes. Oh, Bob, what happened? What happened to you, huh? Did you grow up in the 50s? Isolated? Did you have a bomb shelter? Did you put your fucking white head between your white knees out there in the white cul-de-sac? Is that what happened? Then you found out you had a love of music, but you couldn't sing rock and roll. So everybody called you a queer. And then what happened? You got into sock puppets. The next thing you know, you meet a guy named Jim Henson. He makes a pass at you. He grabs your ass. You start, you shove your face into his beard. You guys are making out, right? Oh, disgusting. Oh, that's good. Is nobody with the beard safe on this podcast? First Jesus and now Jim Henson. You know, it's funny. Jim Henson's bird, uh, bird. His fucking beard kind of looks like one of those Easter eggbasket fucking things, right? You know, you guys can go fuck yourself right now. I know it's off the rails. I know this whole thing is just gone. I just went down an alley that has no exit. I'm in here sweating. I shouldn't be sweating while doing this. You know, it's funny. I'm in my old bedroom, right? Back in the day when I was a single man, when I used to bring back the broods. Oh God, the nightmares I used to be. You know, so you don't really fuck me up with Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, like if I met Dr. Drew, I've done a show a couple of times, right? His love line thing. If I did his show 10 fucking years ago, I swear to God there, there's a good eight or nine girls I never would have hooked up with. Just it's, it's fucking unreal. You got to listen to that guy's show. I realize the reason why like probably a third of the women that I fucking hooked up was I was damaged and I was going out hooking up with other damaged people. And that was the connection. And then we had this fucking crazy, ah, I'm not even going to get into it. You got to listen to his show. He's fucking unreal. They sit there and they people call in that the girls have those little mousey voices, you know, those voices that turn guys on, those creepy little girl voices today. Yeah, I got you. Um, me, my boyfriend. And he just immediately goes, what happened to you when you were five? And you find out they got molested when they were five. And then there was some sort of fucking like, I don't know what you call it. They just stopped growing mentally and they kept talking that way. It just fucking blows my mind. I remember back in the day when a girl came up talking like that. I got you, lover. You like this girl's easy. Right? Talking like pebbles on the goddamn Flintstones. What happened in your deck take? So it is an easy one to fucking knock out of the park. I didn't realize it. And I feel like some sort of fucking pervert. Jesus, that wasn't funny at all. Was it? What was on my chest? I had to get it off. All right. So let's plow ahead. So last week, this person was sitting there talking about, you know, so he met some lady and she had the fucking, uh, you know, she's got the blisters on a thing there. Right? And she, of course, tells an innocent story of it was one guy and he went down on me and he had a cold sore and that was it. That's when somebody has an STD, that's always how they tell the story. They never say, listen, I was an absolute fucking whore. And I was fucking everything that moved. And I really have no idea when I got it, where I got it, or who I gave it to. All I know is I got it. And if you want some of it, I got it. I got it right. Fucking here. No one says that man or woman. There was just go. I was on my way to Bible study and somebody said, would you like a drink? I didn't know what was in it. Oh, God, I feel so foolish. I feel like you're judging me and you're like, no, no, I'm not judging you. Right? No one was getting banged in a fucking jacuzzi. No one got it that way, did they? Right? No one went down to, what is that, freak Nick or what do they call that? Heatonism? Where everybody goes down to that fucking, like, Haiti and fucks. You know, before the earthquake, I guess they got to move it now. I don't want to fuck. I'm talking about Jamaica. Is that where you go? It's just fucking crazy. You know, or they go down to Brazil. He says, like, I went to Brazil and banged a bunch of whores and I don't even know what I have. I got, I got south of the border fucking gonorrhea. You know, no one says that. No one says that there was a mariachi band and I was banging this girl on the dirt outside some fucking bar in Tijuana. And that's how I got syphilis. No one says that. It's always an innocent fucking story. And they always look down and they, of course, because there's shame involved. But no one will own up to it. No one will just say, listen, you know, I banged a lot of broads and I went in raw. All right. No vest, no fucking rubber, no nothing. I stuck it in there. I moved it around. I got all up in that disease. And now it's on my dick and I just thought you should know. I had my time. I had a good fucking time. And now I'm paying for it. All right. You want to help me limp across the fucking finish line of life with my blistered cock? Is that what you want to do? If you're up for it, I'm just trying to be upfront. What did you order? By the way, did you, did you start with a, did you get the muscles? No one says that shit. Jesus, Bill, we got it. So last week I was talking about saying, you know what? They had a fucking website for people with STD. So they don't got to go through this shit and lo and behold, they got one. They got a fucking site here, people. Let me see what we got here. Somebody, they got, dude, they pretty much got a fucking website for everything. And I remember there was a guy a few weeks ago, this fucking dude over there, he fucking called me up. He fucking sent me an email and he was telling me that they, uh, 10 most bizarre dating websites. Oh, I know what I was going to say. I can't read and think at the same time. How fucked up is that? Or think about something else. I can't multitask. This guy sent me this email and he was saying that, uh, Jesus, what the fuck was it? What the fuck was my point? See, now my brain is looking at this shit. My brain, it works in a straight line and just shit gets erased immediately. What the fuck did he say? This is unbelievable. Is this, is this how Reagan started? All right, fuck it. I don't know what the fuck he said. Oh, I remember what I got it. Now he was talking about how, uh, he didn't want to do the online dating thing because he thought it was like this host stigma and that type of shit. And he felt like a loser or kind of guy can't go out and get laid on his own and go meet a girl. Fuck that. If I was a young dude, and my goddamn prime, as opposed to a fucking approaching the end of his middle age, which I gotta be because he multiplied 42 times two is 84, right? You think I'm making 85? I got news for you. I am. I'm making 101. I'm going to see the 70s again. Two thousand 70. I'm checking out. Um, I'm calling it right here. That's my prediction. Nostradamus on my own fucking life. Did he ever do that with himself? That arrogant prick? Dude, Nostradamus is so fucking overrated. It's ridiculous. In the future, bad shit's going to happen. Really? There's going to be a guy with a beard saying something to a bald guy. Oh my god, dude. That's Saddam. That's Gorbachev. No, you know what that is? That's like when you get your horoscope red. When you say a bunch of vague shit, believers, believers, dumb people, kind of people who sit in a pulpit, you know, and just listen to another human being, tell stories about three headed fucking dogs. You know, the whole thing's a dog and pony show. Why are those ceiling so high? They're trying to intimidate you. Why are you sitting on a piece of wood? Huh? They can't have sofas. They don't want you to loungen. They want you sitting upright, all nervous. Like what? What's going to happen to me? Just tell me what I need to do. You know, then they walk up those stairs made out of marble. Right? Stand up there when they preach. Was that so they can see? You can see them? No. So you'll be a little bit higher and fucking talk down to you as you sit on your fucking wooden bench with no cushion. Sit up straight. I'm channeling a higher power right now. All right? Anyway, so this fucking guy writes me and he says, he says it's a stigma. Dude, they got a website for fucking everything. If I was in my prime, if I could do it over, I would be all over the fucking internet. So they have a website. Okay, first of all, they have a website for people with STDs, which I think is a great thing. You know, let's keep it in house. No awkward conversation. Huh? Fucking, you know, and then you can be honest about how you got it. Where'd you get yours? I got mine and fucking chili. Where'd you get yours? Dude, I was in the combat zone getting blown on a flight of stairs, right? I got one fucking, I don't know. She fucking bit my ball bag. I was into it. Never, definitely. She had rabies on one of her incisuses. All right, so they got all these different fucking websites here. 10 most bizarre dating websites. I feel like I should have Anton Fig here right now to do a little drum roll. They have a website for lookalikes. People who look like each other, which I think is awesome. You know, a couple of narcissists just get together and they don't have a day, you know, neither one of them has a problem with the other person saying I need a little me time. They're gonna have me time together just looking at each other, how they look alike. This one basically says look alike dating website because that's what we're all looking for, right? The founder of findyourfacemate.com says she says that she was inspired to build a website after people kept telling her that she and her ex-husband look a lot alike. It's really not a compliment. Then they have, they have a website for ugly people. I swear to God. Britain's first dating agency. Who would have guessed Britain would have a dating website for ugly people? You know, it's not that people in Britain are fucking ugly. It's that they, the country is the size of Michigan. And you know, Americans are good looking people because we got everybody. Everybody's fucking everybody. We're mulching it over. You got fresh soil over here. God damn English people. They've been fucking in the same soil for years. God damn teeth are all fucked up. You want to see the worst of them? Look at the royal family. Is there one good looking person? Fergie? Fergie could scare a fucking pug. She could. She looks like a, I don't know what. You know, if a poodle fucked Helen Keller, that's what, that's fucking me. That's what you get. You get Fergie and look at fucking, look at Prince Charles. Jesus Christ. You know why his wife was 20 years younger than him? Because that's how much further along he had to be intellectually to talk a pretty, fucking pretty woman into bed. Even with the God damn castle. Prince William. I mean, they just knocked their teeth at just horrific. Harry with those beady little eyes. You know, he looks like a, like one of the guys in Dillinger's gang from fucking, he looked like, they have so just been fucking each other for so goddamn long. Like, if you have a look at pictures of people like from 50 years ago, you know, that probably doesn't work in England. They probably look exactly the fucking same because God knows you guys are still fucking trying to empty that keg of DNA over there, right? But over here in America, people look different because we had all these different ethnicities came in and then everybody, like, people look really ethnic. Like, if you look at pictures of Americans in like the 20s, Italian people looked Italian, French people looked French. You could tell what country people were from. And then by the 60s, right, after World War II, everybody came back and just started fucking banging away. Okay. The greatest generation, basically from their balls came the deuce generation known as the baby boomers, the whining, crying, patting yourself on the back, country is most selfish, self-righteous generation we've ever fucking had. They take credit for all the good shit and completely ignore that they're all a bunch of banker cunts now driving fucking convertible BMWs right through the 80s, right, right into AIG, all those fucking people. They all claim they were at Woodstock and they protested the fucking war. Fuck all of them. All right. This is a lot of generalities here. So anyways, but if you notice those people, they look different. You know, I can't remember what my fucking point was. I know a point was it's fitting that England started ugly people dot com. What is it called? It's called the ugly the ugly bug ball dot com, a dating website. You know, it's funny. The last time I said English people were ugly, you know, who they sent over is one of their good looking people was that chick from the from the Spice Girls, you know, who in this country would just be the real spot, the real housewife of Orange County with that awful facelift. She looks like a good looking mouse. That's the best thing I'll give her. All right. They got a sea captain website for sea captains for women who like guys who fucking wear that Ted Knight fucking I have a yacht hat. They got that. Let me just blow through these. They got a dead a dating website for a mother's single son. Mothers playing matchmakers for their children is probably as old as humanity itself. Ladies, you can't tell me that's not an that's not a major red flag. Okay, if there's some mother like the kids got some sort of fucked up relationship that his mother's picking out the pussy that he's going to bang for the rest of his fucking life. Do you think you're ever going to be dressed nice enough? Do you think the house is ever going to be neat enough? Do you think your s'mores are ever going to taste as good as the wrinkled cunt that this guy came out of? I don't think they are. So stay away from that website. That's my advice for the ladies this week. Website number five. Are you okay? This one is for superheroes and super villain villains. Are you lonely looking for a special someone? Are you looking? Are you also okay with tights wearing crime fighters? These fucking comic book people, they're a bunch of freaks. I think that that's what you start off doing when you start off dressing up like a superhero. Eventually you get into that porn where you want to fuck a mascot. Dating website for beautiful people. That's a great one. I think that's great. I think beautiful people should fuck each other and just make more beautiful people. Give the rest of us something to jerk off to or maybe something to claim if you go out and make your million. Wouldn't that be great? Dating website for pot smokers. Tired of smoking weed alone? Try joining 420 dating and pack that bowl for two. Of course they have some super hot chick with a flat stomach like she smokes weed. She's not smoking weed. She's doing coke. That's how she keeps the fucking weight off. You can't have a stomach that flat when you fucking eat a whole bag of jacks. Dating website for women behind bars. Dating website for married people. Oh, Jesus. Every 22nd someone, somebody new joins Ashley Madison's looking to have a discrete affair. Life is short, having a fair. With a trademark greeting like that on the homepage, you can't say that the Ashley Madison agency are shy when it comes to the fact that they're dating websites catered specifically to married people with the roving eye. There's even the option to quickly visit a fake home renovation website at any moment by pressing a panic button. Wow. Wow. And then number 10, the drumroll from Anton Fig is a dating website for people with STDs. It's a picture of two happy people that they're psyched that they both have. I think I'm out of funny STDs. Connect with singles who share your STD. That's the slogan from STD match.net. Whether you're living with herpes, HPV or anything else. Notice how they take two scary one, one kind of mainstream one and then or anything else. There's something there's someone there for you. So there you go. There you go, people. I think I just helped to make a love connection for a lot of you guys out there. Those are all the people. You know, there's somebody for people who smoke weed. How about you? You should have an alcoholics one. If you're sick of somebody fucking ragging on you to put down the goddamn bottle. Not for straight up alcoholics because if you're straight up alcoholic, right, you want to end the problem. But just for somebody with somebody who fucking nags you all the time, right? You don't give a fuck that you have a beer belly. All right. You live for sports and you live for whatever seasonal ale Sam Adams puts out. All right. And you want a giant glass and you want to just suck down like fucking 20 of them. And you just want to be able to do that without somebody judging you. That'd be a great website. That really would. I would enjoy that one. Goddamn it. I miss beer. I really fucking miss that shit. People. I'm coming up on 200 days. You know, vanity wise. I'm loving it. You know, I'm in shape again. And, uh, by Jesus, I was out and fucking, uh, Milwaukee. And I was working the PAPs theater. And, uh, this theater was from like, uh, the mid 1800s. Like, like Duke Ellington's band, the original band played there. Liberace, who's from Wisconsin, he played there. All these amazing, amazing fucking entertainers had played there. And I'm sitting there doing my show and it went phenomenal. By the way, I'm going to tell you right now, Milwaukee and Detroit are now in the rotation without a doubt. I was blown away by how many people showed up. I was really nervous when my guy booked both of those cities. I didn't know how many people were going to show up. I've never done stand up in Milwaukee. And I hadn't done the Royal Oak theater in seven years. Last time I did there, I was on the rich bitch tour, uh, with, uh, the Chappelle Show tour with Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings. I was the first guy out of the gate. Nobody knew who I was. Everybody thought I was a writer on Chappelle Show, which I wasn't and, uh, or they thought I was from the Detroit metro area. I was just some local white guy that they put on there and they went, you know, but anyways, a ton of people fucking showed up and basically I forgot my point. Oh, I remember I was in Milwaukee and they had some beer that was some local beer and I noticed there was a bunch of people from Milwaukee sucking them down and they were all saying how good they are. And that's one of the things I like to do is, uh, check out the local breweries and now, man, that was a fucking rough one to not be able to do that. At some point, I'm going to end this street though, like when Brett Favre finally decided, all right, fuck it. Well, I guess he really didn't. Somebody threw him on the ground like a rag doll and he said, I can't do it. Oh, no, that's how his career ended. Like Cal Ripken, Cal Ripken took himself out of the lineup. I'm going to do that at some point. Um, but anyways, let's plow ahead here. Let's get, let's get to some of the questions and some of the comments from last week's podcast. Somebody, some lady wrote in, I was talking about always wear a condom and you can't believe the information this lady sends in without anything else. She goes, I'm a nurse and you can actually still get herpes using a condom just an FYI. That's it. No telling you how you can get herpes by using, how can you get her? How can you get herpes using a condom? If you take a condom, you unroll that motherfucker all the way down the shaft of your cock, get it all the way down to the base and it doesn't break and you never dip your dick in past where the fucking condom is. She never rides you and nothing drips down on you and nothing. How does it, does it eat through the rubber? Okay. You're teasing me here, lady. You got me. I'm on the hook. I'm signed up for the sequel for the love of God. Tell me how the fuck you can get herpes wearing a goddamn condom. That's frightening. They didn't say that in health class. That sounds like some shit. I never took a health class. Who am I kidding? You know what's staggering is I don't know anything about the vagina. I don't know anything about it. Somebody said cervix the other day and they kept talking about their cervix and I don't even know what it was. And evidently that's like the swinging saloon door that the baby comes out of. I don't know what ovaries are. I aren't there like two of them and that's they spit out a couple of eggs. I don't know anything about them. There's a tube in there. The eggs come down the tube or one egg comes down the tube and if you don't knock it up then it kind of just withers up and then just the bloody mess once a month. Isn't that how it works? I don't, I don't know. Yeah. Like if you're ever in an elevator and we're stuck and you start having a kid, you're in trouble because I don't know anything. I don't know anything when it, well, about anything when it comes to that shit. I never took a fucking health class. And for some reason, the amount of stuff that fascinates me, the reproductive aspects of a vagina don't fascinate me. I was just more interested in the, the clitoris and what do I have to do on the inside to try to make the same reaction happen? Other than that, I was good with the other stuff. It's kind of like me with cars. You know, I can change the oil, change an air filter. I can take up the radiator out and replace the pumps, but you know, you start getting in with the pistons and I don't know shit. I don't know anything about it. Taking that to somebody else. Hey, Doc, she's, she's holding over her stomach here. I'll be in the waiting room. I would tell you guys that I have no plans if I ever have a kid to be in the fucking delivery room. I'm not going to go in there and get yelled at. You know, having some woman break my fucking finger as I'm standing there doing what? What am I doing except adding to the heat in the room just by my body temperature. And now I can't do anything. Stand in their dress like, like a fucking surgeon. Like I know, I don't know anything. Goddamn pussy guys, man. Just getting talked into one fucking thing after another. Back in the day you stood out in the waiting room where you belonged. Yeah, let's bring somebody else in here. Somebody else in here who has germs, you know, to breathe on the goddamn kid. I don't want to see it when it comes out when it's not ready yet. Hose it off, slap it around, make sure everything's fine, then bring it out. Hey, how you doing this sport? Pat it on its soft head, hand out some cigars and then go up there and wipe the sweat off my wife's brow. That's why I wanted to do it old school. Evidently, if you do that, you're the worst first person on the planet. I can't wait for that to swing back kind of like with like eggs. You know, when I was a kid, eggs were healthy. Then all of a sudden, everybody said, all you got to eat is the white stuff. You eat the yolk. And then all of a sudden that you gives your heart attack and then a fucking swung back again. Oh wait, the yolk's okay. That's what I'm hoping for. It's going to swing back again. That's when I'll have a kid when I could stand out smoking a fucking cigar, you know, just sitting there with a fucking cigar in my mouth and the duck comes out. What do you have? What? Oh, there's a girl. Everybody smoke it out, smoke it out. Tell me. Tell me. Tell I want to do it. I know there's a lot of women like you should never be a parent. Whatever, probably shouldn't. Okay, Bill, you should come back and check out the Clinton Museum here in Little Rock. Oh yeah, last week I talked about the Reagan Library and how we had a great time. Said Arkansas sucks. Our only bragging rights are Clinton and Walmart and the Razorbacks SEC football. What are you talking about? So the Clinton Museum has to be decked out to overcompensate. Oh, I see. Whenever you come down, I'll tell you some more old redneck sayings my friends can take you out hunting. There's a funny bone down here to that can be your ticket. So that can be your ticket. Little typo there. You know, a lot of people are going to take me up on that hunting thing. I just got to figure out who's not a psycho. I mean, that was pretty well written, but you're also from Arkansas. I guess that's going to be par for the course, right? I don't want to go hunting in Rhode Island. I want the real deal. Arkansas is a good state. I wonder what I want to shoot. I want to shoot a varmint. Let me start small. I don't want to shoot like a badger or a Wolverine. How about a raccoon? Shoot it right in its belly. Possum, something fucking ugly. Number three. Hey, Bill, as a woman, I fucking hate to hear bitches. Oh, wait a minute. I'm supposed to be doing my catchphrases this week. People gave me some catchphrase. Let me try out a couple of these catchphrases. You guys tell me if you like them or not. Where the fuck are they? All right. Instead of saying get her done, you could say got a Prius. Comically insane. That's a catchphrase. Ginger and loving it. Securing my perimeter. You know what? That could be the name of a special in the late 80s if I was already a dad and I was talking about having a man cave. If I could have come out with that before Tim Allen came out with that pegboard and did tool time, I think I think I could have made a zillion. I don't read. No research necessary. Some of these are actually doable. Oh, if I finished a joke after every joke, I could go ginger. How would you guys like that? He's a fucking horrific. These are all end your career. Catchphrases. You just got Bill burned. All right. I'm going to puke if I read any more of these. All right. Let's plow ahead here. Bill is a woman. I fucking hate to hear bitches complain about being stay at home. A stay at home mom. Are you kidding me? It would be the greatest gig ever. I get to garden, cook, go shopping, watch Netflix all day. But mostly, I can't believe this is written by a woman, but mostly not have to get up and work at 7 a.m. every fucking day and work with a bunch of bitches that I can't stand. Even the goddamn gym has a babysitter to watch your spawn while you work out. Great point. Then you go meet your girlfriends for three martini lunch, then run by whole foods, foods in the liquor store and go home and fix a gin and tonic while you get dinner ready and then give your man some hot, steamy sex when he gets home. Is it that hard to push a baby carriage around and then let that thing suck on your tip every once in a while? No, it can't be. I am not a mom, but I have a dog. That's hilarious. I was going to say this sounds like a guy. I can't believe a woman wrote this. I just completely agree with you on this subject. Quit whining and learn how to keep your legs shut if you can't handle it. Anyways, I love the podcast. Thanks for doing it. Come to Louisiana soon, please. I'm planning on it in the fall for an LSU game. So there you go, ladies. That's coming from one of your own. A sellout, you might say. All right, let's get to advice here and then I got to wrap this shit up really quickly. Wait, can you please keep trap? Oh, by the way, you guys, why don't you guys vote on your catchphrase and I'll say it once next week when I do the whatever funny joke. You want me to say, got a Prius like get her done? Got a Prius. Do you like that? Do you want me to say ginger and loving it? Securing my perimeter? Or what was the last one? Ah, ginger. Vote on the mmpodcast.com. I could have sold those a lot better. I know it. I always promise my web guy that I'm going to sell this shit better and I just, you know what it is, this podcast is stream of consciousness. So if I try and plan shit, it ends up not being funny. Let's get to the advice here. But please go there and please go to the mmpodcast.com. Check out the YouTube videos for the week. If you want to email me questions, please send it at something, something. I can't even know what the hell it is. What is the email? It's on the mmpodcast.com. What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ. Why do I try? Why do I, my web guy right now is just throwing his hands up in the fucking air. And that's what he's saying. Why do I try to help this guy? This is pointless. Thank God for the donation button. Anyways, advice for the week. I haven't read any of these. Whatever. I flew today. People go fuck yourselves. I haven't read any of these. So let me, let me blow through this. Hit by advice. You know what I should have done? I should have got a joke book and just read bad jokes and then then try it out the fucking catchphrases. That's what I should have done. God damn it. All right. Advice. Bill, since you've given great advice and relationships in the past, I'm wondering if you can do it for me. I've been with this girl, this lady of mine for years, and we're planning on getting married. Oh, Jesus. We're both only 20 years old. I'm a college drop out since I'm certainly a more blue color individual. She is going to college to work with children. We both work full time jobs, mind being the night shift in a warehouse selecting orders to go to individual stores, stressful and physically challenging. Here's being, her is being a phone answering day job from eight to five, working with customers in a graphic design shop, boring and easy. Okay. He's defined his job is stressful and physically challenging, and her job is boring and easy. Never underestimate how tedious a boring job can be. I'd rather do your job walking around, breaking balls. Look at his fucking shirt, dude, fucking queer, dried by on the fucking forklift, right? You guys start a softball league. You have a great time, rather than sitting there, having your ass fall asleep in a cubicle, listening to people bitch because they can't figure out how to work their set it and forget it. Grass is always green, or my friend. Why don't I shut my fucking pie hole and read the rest of this? All right. Since we started dating, she seemed to do everything to keep me interested. Make me breakfast in the mornings on some on some days, go to concerts with me when she didn't necessarily like the music. The whole works, but I've noticed that she without she's without question, just been lacking in the care department. She just sits and watches TV every night and eats and complains about gaining weight. I come home in the morning to do dirty dishes, to do the dirty dishes that piled up in the sink from her having friends over while I'm at work for the night and get yelled at for not cleaning them. Well, when I saw them sitting there, but I had no part in making them dirty. Dude, what the fuck you can't have that? She leaves clothes laying around every room in the house, and that's not even how she is with me. She has seemed to develop some kind of self-righteousness where everything that she... Yeah, dude, I really got to prove for these people. So many spelling mistakes. She has seemed to develop some kind of self-righteousness where everything that she says throughout the day should be my main concern, and I should go out of my way to make her life easier. I do her college homework. I take care of the $2,000 dog I bought for her. I work on her car when she nearly runs the damn wheels off the thing, and I do chores for her family she volunteers me for. Dude, she has your balls and a little... You know that little engagement ring, your butter? If you bother, yet your balls are in there too. The next part is the icing on the cake. She goes as far as to dictate what time I have to go to bed and wake up in the morning evening since I work at night. What I can and can't spend money on, who I can hang out with, what days I can see friends and require me to call her every time I arrive at work and text her in the middle of the night when I get off work and request her, and I request her to do nothing outside of what she does on her day-to-day routine. To sum all that up, I feel like she's forcing me into a cookie mold guy when I actually let her make her own decisions like some strange thing called an adult. All right, I'm going to stop right here, dude, because this is just going to be more fucking misery. All right, this is this is what I've said this before on the podcast. You have to, I don't give a fuck how good the woman is that you're with. You really have to be careful because all this shit you see on TV where women are just constantly, there's all this fucking information out there about how guys are assholes to women. There's just reams of it and there needs to be because guys are assholes to women. So women, I think, are more aware or at least they should be more aware because they got all these fucking goddamn shows with either from one to four twats sitting around bitching about guys and all this shit that we do. But there's no show on TV where you have four guys just sitting around a coffee table, drinking some hot cocoa with some pillows and wearing sweaters and their favorite shoes talking about not losing yourself in a relationship. That's what you've done here. All this shit that she's doing is your fault. Okay, and what's great about being a guy is you can blame the victim, which is why we're better problem solvers. All right, this is your fault. This is all on you. You don't like any of this shit. You have to sit down and talk to her. Okay, you, you, you're not required to call her. You can go to bed when you fucking want to go to bed and you can just sit there and tell it. You did those dishes. You clean it up. Okay. Now here's the point. This is the key with this is what you got to do. You can't be mean. There's no reason to be mean here. There's no reason to yell. There's no reason to be angry. Okay. All three of those things is what she wants you to do because she knows she's going to know she's fucking wrong. If you, if you, if you made the dishes dirty and every day you're telling me to clean them up, you treat me like I'm fucking Alice on the goddamn Brady bunch. Everybody knows that that's fucking wrong. So what women do when they're fucking wrong is they try to make the argument about something else. All right. So she's going to do that anyways. So, but you're going to make it easy if you're angry and you yell at her and you call her fucking names. So what you got to do is you got to, you got to keep, keep your fucking cool. That's what you got to do. Keep your fucking cool and say, listen, I worked all night. I don't think it's fair that you tell me to come home and I have to do these dishes when you made these dishes dirty yourself. I don't think it's fair to me to come home in the morning and have a sink full of dirty dishes that not only you, and your friends made dirty. That's unacceptable to me that you want me to wash those. That's unacceptable. I'm not doing it. You have to wash those. I'll wash my dirty dishes. I'm not doing that. All right. And then, then let her flip out. Let her pout, let her slam the fucking cabinets. Let her not fuck you. Just don't back down. Rub one out. Who gives a fuck? It's just an urge. You've already banged her. You're not missing anything. Who gives a fuck? But don't get angry. All right. And then just do do to her what she did to you. Just just reclaim that territory. You're not doing that. You're not doing that anymore. All right. Start with the fucking dishes and then start with this. I'm not in, you know, you can actually tag that argument and just say now that we're on the topic of discussing things, I'm going to go to bed when I want to go to bed. I just, it makes me feel like a child when you're telling me when to go to bed. I know when to go to bed. All right. Now that I've aired two complaints, how about you give me a couple of you got anything you want to say to me and just stay cool. Then when she hits you with some shit, if you don't like it, tell her, you know, I was going to say to go fuck herself. You know, I don't know what, whatever. You know what? Fuck that last advice. Just go with the dishes thing first. It's unacceptable. That's it. If you bring up something else, then you then it looks like you have all this resentful shit and then she'll try and spin it like, well, if you're feeling all this, why don't you fucking say anything? Cuz you're a cunt. That's what's going to happen. And then you're going to lose the argument. And the next thing you know, to make up for it, you're not going to be getting any pussy from her and you're going to be doing a whole sink full of fucking dishes that you didn't dirty. All right. Moving on. But sir, you have all the power there. Just keep your fucking cool. All right. Next one. And then I got to wrap this up. This podcast is getting way too fucking long lately subject. Who's dick do I have to suck to be a stay at home mom bill? Jesus, here's another one. Bill, I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. I love her to death. We have a fundamental problem. I'm a sports nut. I watch every single bills game and almost every saber's game. I played high school hockey, college hockey. And now that I'm in the real world, a beer league hockey twice a week, my girlfriend who has a good family life with both parents grew up with an older brother that played hockey with an with an entire family that is just as ridiculous of sports fantasies I am. She is a super girly girl that never got into it. And since she was dragged to all of her brothers hockey games and hated it, she now absolutely hates sports and any kinds of sports viewing activity. All right, that's understandable. This is causing an unbelievable amount of friction lately. Now that the honeymoon stage of our relationship is over, she used to come, used to come along to my hockey games, come with me to my Super Bowl parties and group outings at sports bars on Sundays during the football game. Now she absolutely refuses to do anything related to sports whatsoever. I wouldn't really care that much, but I hang out with a ton of other couples, and I'm always alone now whenever I want to watch a game. Bill, you're a sports fan. It's a lot more fun to watch a game with other Buffalo fans than to watch it alone. God, my brain's tired. I'm sorry, guys. Who is there to hear all that shit you spew at the TV when you're watching it alone? Nobody. In my, Nia hates sports. She likes going to basketball games. She likes going to football games and looking at the field, and then she's not into it. So I know, all right, dude, I already know where you're going with this. I love this girl. He says, I want to work with it. We are perfect fit. Every other I've talked to her about the sports thing is really becoming increasingly a big deal, but she would not budge on this whole sports vendetta. What does a sports fan do when he finds himself in this situation? All right, well, this is what you got to do. This is a great thing. Okay, when you're in a relationship, you do have to have areas that you're into, and the other person isn't so you can get the fuck away from each other. Absence makes the heart fonder. All right, so what I would do right now is you're basically doing to her what her family already did, which is you're not as bad, but you're trying to force her into this shit. She doesn't want to do it. She wants to have her own life, so let her have her own life. All right, and you do your fucking sports thing. All right, and she does her thing. You do your thing. And then when there's a big game coming up, you got to do something that's going to make it fun for her. Either agree to do some other activity with her if she comes to the sports thing, or you can fucking turn it into like a date night thing as gay as that sounds. You just have it built around rather than some awful fucking romantic comedy movie. You have it built around the saber's game. You got to do something to make it fun for her. But right now, you know what she needs to do? She needs the detox from sports. You just don't force it on her, and just find some other activity that you guys like doing going to the gym or some other shit looking at the fucking ducks. I don't know what. Find something you guys can do together, and then you watch your sports and she goes and goes to her needlepoint fucking class, whatever the hell she wants to do. Maybe that's what you do. I can tell you right now, all your buddies whose broads are going to them with the fucking games eventually are going to be envious of the fact that you can go to a goddamn sports bar by yourself and they don't have their ball and chain because eventually most of their relationships are going to suck and they're going to want to get a divorce and they're just going to be miserable, you know, and then they won't communicate and they'll gradually keep getting fatter and fatter because they're just going to be drowning themselves in appetizers and beers. That's basically what's going to happen. So you actually have a decent situation. I'm a total sports nut. Nia hates sports. She doesn't give a fuck. So when she watches reality TV, I go out and do stand up. And when I watch sports, she goes out, works out, or goes out and fucking goes hangs with her friends or goes in the other room. That's it. And I watch it with my dog. And it's worked out. So there you go. And I think that's it. I think that's the podcast for this week. I got a couple of YouTube videos how they make the ice rink. They got a couple of good videos like this. This will send you to some links how to make a backyard ice rink, which is something I've always dreamed of doing. You know, back in the day when I thought I was going to be a dad and have four fucking kids, you know, three boys and a girl, I wouldn't, I wouldn't let the girl play hockey though. You know what I mean? I wouldn't let them do that. You know, I just wouldn't. It's just to, you know, if I had a girl, I'd send her like to how to make grilled cheese sandwich like class, you know, I really want to bring back the America that I've read about, you know, the chauvinistic. I'm fucking with you guys. Here's another one. Eating fish alive. I don't even know what this one is. Eating fish alive. Is this something from about Asia? Okay, there is a fish on a plate and it looks like it's waving like, please, please pull me back in the water and this chopsticks. What a surprise. Those little dishes that you put the thing, that is the fucking worst thing I've ever seen. Stab it with the fucking stick, you asshole. They're just eating the ginger around it. You know what? What is with the continent of Asia when it comes to animals? You know, I know we do cruel shit in this country, but they just fucking go above and beyond. Do you guys ever see that movie, The Cove? I never had the balls to watch it. It's basically about Japanese people clubbing dolphins to death. Not all of them, but just some people. I'm not saying that Asia is a bad place. You know, look at us with our guns. There's a lot of shit that we do that's probably fucking stupid, but how do you do that? The fucking thing is just sitting there moving its fin. I don't know. By the way, somebody sent me an email that went above and beyond. This is some extra time here on the podcast. This one is beyond my advice, by the way. This guy basically sent me an email. He said, I was good friends with this female. We've known each other since my freshman year at the University of blah, blah, blah in the year 2000. We keep in contact. She's like my kid's sister. I thought this was going to be like, she's like my kid's sister, but he really had like a crush on her. But it isn't. It takes a total left turn. He says, we all keep in contact. My whole crew of college friends, we all keep in contact and we meet as much as possible. The girl who's my kid's sister, she went to the Peace Corps in 2008 and she got a boyfriend who left the Peace Corps early to be with her. This guy says, I don't like this guy to put it seriously. He's done nothing to warn any antagonism, but he's just never set well with me. I've kept it to myself because they love each other and he has never set a foot wrong with me or even my friends. In fact, he is overly attentive to her. I have never seen my kid's sister friend there so attached to her boyfriend. Last holiday, we all got together and some of us noticed a mark changed in my girlfriend. I'm trying not to name her name. Let's just call her Lisa. Lisa's demeanor. She's usually very bright, bubbly and vivacious girl, a type of girl who wasn't the prettiest in the room but could catch any man's attention with her charm and personality. Now she has an insecure negative mopey introverted attitude. She marked it down. She tried to say it was her graduate school stress, but she was this way for an entire week. This past Sunday, another friend in the group will call her Susie and I were arranging plans in late May to go to mobe. I don't know what the fuck that is and they stated that Lisa and her boyfriend might not go. Then the bomb came. She let it slip that the real reason her boyfriend left the Peace Corps was because he was a teacher and beat up a six year old kid in school. He didn't leave the Peace Corps because of Lisa. He left because he was asked to leave. Lisa specifically told the rest not to mention it because of how I, oh to me, because how I would react since the incident was a misunderstanding. I lived with an abusive father and she knew the story would put him in a bad light and I realized immediately why I didn't like this, why this douche didn't sit well with me. You reminded me of my father. So it goes on to continue. It gets really dark here where basically they think that this guy thinks that she's being physically abused or whatever. Dude, this is a Dr. Drew question. All right. This is my advice. Call Dr. Drew. Call Loveline. He will know exactly what the fuck to do if not to send you in the right direction. The name of the show is Loveline. You can find it. The guy is super famous. I don't have the link here. But yeah, guys, don't ask me questions like that because that is, I'll ask the silly ones. I like sports and she doesn't like, but that is above and beyond this podcast and my ability to answer questions like that. I feel fucking horrific. I mean, I say a lot of fucking horrific shit about women on here, but I'm obviously just fucking around. This is all comedy and stuff. I have no idea how I would approach that. All I can tell you is that I've known somebody that was in a situation like that and it's hard when they're in the denial and protecting the douche of a fucking boyfriend and they won't fucking own up to it. It's kind of an impossible situation until they finally admit that they got a fucking problem. So I don't know, it's above and beyond me. What a fucked up way to end the podcast, but I wanted to at least try to send this guy in the right direction because that was just a creepy fucking email. So yeah, so don't send me the creepy emails, everybody. Flattered that someone would think that I could possibly know what the fuck to do there. Calling the love line for the serious ones, the silly stupid ones, you know? I love it, but a clam stinks, you know? Those are the ones for me. So that's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it. We're going to have another podcast this week. I'm going to put it up possibly Tuesday or Wednesday. I'll announce it on the MM podcast this week where I actually, I'll put it up on Wednesday. Let's have it defined Wednesday. We'll be a special edition of the Monday Morning podcast. And I'll have special guests, Robert Kelly and Joe DeRosa. And we're going to be talking about a film in the Tribeca Film Festival, the film called Cheat. We're going to talk about how we all know each other. We're going to tell old stories. We're going to break each other balls, probably trash each other. And it might hurt our friendships, but it's going to be hilarious to you guys. I hope you enjoy it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. And I actually know I'll talk to you on Wednesday. See you.