Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles out religion, the apocalypse, the Reagan Library, and STD's
What's going on? It's Bill Bird. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 18th, 2011. Fuck! I almost said it perfectly. I was so focusing on saying 2011. Clearly, I fucked up April. Did you catch that? I say April, April 18th. Let me try that again. Bill. Bill Bird starts his podcast. Hey, too. Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Bird is the Monday morning podcast for April 18th, 2011. I can't say it without slowing down like some second grader trying to read out of his book, Greenfield USA. Did anybody else read that one? I was talking to somebody the other day. That's the last geography class I had in the United States of America was in second grade. I read a book called Greenfield USA. And I loved it. They talked about all the different goddamn states. You know, they talked about the hot land. And they'd show us a little picture of some farmer with the cow holding a bottle of milk. And I remember thinking, "Wow, I wish I lived on a farm." And I had a cow. You know, my little imagination running wild. Then they just cut it out. And now, look, look at Americans. You know, we can't find shit anymore. Somebody's telling me the other day that somebody, they were quizzing these college kids and kids were putting like Delaware, like where New Hampshire is. You know, that's like that to me, that is a fucking deal breaker. Like if I if I was dating a girl, right, hottest girl on the goddamn planet. And if she thought Delaware was where was where like New Hampshire was, you know, I would I would end that relationship within eight months because she's hot. I continue fucking her. And then hopefully I'd get tired of her. But in the back of my head, it would just be keeping this bitch doesn't know where the states are. Well, why was that matter? I mean, everybody has a talent. Everybody has their good side and their bad side. Why do women just defend every fucking woman out there? Is it because there's more of you than there are of us? Is that what it is? So you just got to be constantly spinning broad shit in a positive way as you guys just sit there fucking battling with each other. Huh? Is that what it is? I don't know. Why is my head so fucking itchy this week? Are you supposed to wash your hair every day? I hear different thing. You're not supposed to. Are you supposed to let your natural oils produce? Is that what it is? You know, walking around like some stinky European, you know, getting off your fucking awful Pee Wee Herman bicycle. What is it with Europe and those old bicycles? Is it because you guys have such small roads over there? Is that what it is that you guys can't progress in a bicycle kind of way? You know, is that why we win the Tour de France every year when we go over there and all those? You ever see the bikes that they ride? Even like the bikes that they ride in the Tour de France. The Italian bikes are terrible. Horrible bikes. I'm just trying to get them going. Just in case I have any Italian fucking listeners over there. Believe some more. Mangia. Mangia. You know bad I want to fucking go to Italy and just gain 900 pounds. Evidently you don't because they haven't fucked with their food over there. I've been reading more and more about food. Basically what we eat over here is the closest thing to straight up poison. I don't even think we're fat lazy fucks. I just think they're poisoning us. Like I guess the pasta over there in Italy is like, I don't know, it doesn't gluten free. Whatever the fuck that means. I don't know what gluten is, but evidently you don't want a lot of it in your pasta and there's shit over there. It's gluten free. I don't know if that means there's no gluten over there or the gluten they have is not oppressed like it is in this country. I don't know what it is, but all I know is those motherfuckers over there, you know, they just sit there, they just eat spaghetti all day. They have conversations with the shit hanging out of their mouth, you know, using their tie as a napkin. And everybody has a Ferrari. Isn't that what it is? Do you guys know what I did this week? You know, I did this fucking week. I actually went down and I finally decided I'm getting a second car. I decided to fuck it. I'm telling you that shit over there in Japan really fucked with me, you know, considering I live on a fault line. All right. I realize I need to live for today. And I also realize I need to be prepared in case some of that shit went down. So my first step in securing my perimeter is all them good old boys do down the south. Everybody makes fun of them. Hey, we're all just bunch two for rednecks, right? Those rednecks are the smartest motherfuckers on the planet as far as they are ready for when the shit goes down. They're ready. All right. They got trucks, they got guns, they know how to kill shit, skin it, gut it, cook it, eat it, fuck it. They not do all of that. They not ahead for the hails, man. They not to do that. They live in the middle of fucking nowhere. The great thing about living in the middle of fucking nowhere is you don't have that many games on your schedule. You know what I mean? You live in the city. Okay. You got a full schedule of potential zombies and whatever coming over the fucking goddamn rail trying to run up the stairs of your apartment. Okay. I don't care how many fucking bullets you got. You're going to run out and eventually they're going to overrun you. They're going to take your shit and fucking have sex with your dead body. Jesus bill. Really? Yeah. Really. That's how it goes down in the apocalypse. Those rednecks, they live in the middle of nowhere. They got a big field all around their house. They got like 12 kids so they can all look out every fucking window who's kidding who they can put four kids for their three windows, right? In each window on all sides of their little fucking out house. And there's no way to sneak up on them. You know, you got to crawl in your fucking elbows. You're not going to do it. You're going to leave them alone. They live in the middle of fucking nowhere. But when you live in the city, that's when you got to get worried, you know, unless you're lucky enough to live in a gated community, gated community. You know, why did I say that twice? Pick up the papers, pick up the papers, you know, the gated community. You know, either you're so famous or you've stolen so much from regular people that you feel the need to live behind a fucking wall. You know, have you guys noticed that on Google Maps that when you try to take the little guy and bring him down into a gated community, they won't let it do it. You know, why are they so fucking special? What did they do? You know, could you guys do me a favor? Can can you guys? My listeners, now you should not do this. You shouldn't do this. I'm not advocating doing this wink wink. But why don't you spray paint something on the wall outside a gated community that just makes those people not feel so goddamn comfortable? You know, I'm sick of them being cozy, smug, cunts just sitting in there thinking everything's going to be all right. Just do something. Don't do anything to any of them. Just spray paint something crazy. Like, hey, fuckers, you're next. Where's the bailout? I don't know what the fuck. Just write something that's vague that kind of includes all of them so they don't know who's the target. Just so they're a little bit nervous when they're in there, eating their gluten free pasta that they have flown in. You know? Oh, so anyway, so you know what I did? I went down to this. Oh, Jesus, what the fuck did I just do? Oh, I thought I just hit the race button. No. So anyway, so I went down to this place where they specialize in old mustangs. And I went down there and I was going to, I was going to order one and just say fuck it. This is the year I want. This is what I want on it. Tell me how much it fucking costs. And I'm going to book some road gigs and do the level of Catholic guilt, even though I don't even fucking, I don't even believe in that shit anymore. I don't believe in it. Okay. I don't know if you go somewhere when you die or any of that type of shit, but I know all this fucking religious stuff other than the basics, the ten commandments, which, you know, you really could have made one commandment. Just don't be a cunt, right? Isn't that what it's all about? Don't be a cunt. Don't take the Lord's name in vain. Don't disrespect your parents. Don't steal my shit. Don't fuck my wife. Don't want to fuck my wife. Don't be a cunt. What's wrong with you? Hey, look at me. Yeah, you, you're a cunt. Cut it out. That basically sums up the foundation of every religion. And then it turns into guys, right? Buddha. I like Buddha. That's a good one. You know, some happy fat fuck. Just sitting there all jolly. Can't even see his dick. Can he still happy? You know, there's something empowering about that Jesus I'm not into, you know, I, you know, and it's not even his fucking pot smoking, you know, goddamn hacky sack of vibe that he's putting out, you know, his goddamn robe made out of ganja. It's not even that. It's, it's, I hate the fucking martyr aspect of my religion. You know, I did it for you. I hate that shit. You know, somebody slaps you in the face, you turn the other cheek. Do it again. Will that make you feel better? The meek shall inherit the earth. It's just, it's just a blueprint for being a pussy. You know, fucking can't stand it. And then as Jewish religion, I don't know shit about it. I just know when you get really into it, you got to grow those curly Q Elvis sideburns. And then you got to wear that little, that little round thing on the back of your head, you know, and then wear the same shirt in the same pants every fucking day or the same style. You know, what are you fucking Albert Einstein? Are you over there working on theories of relativity? You're not, you're not. All right. Go get yourself an eyes out shirt. Add a little fucking color to your wardrobe. Can you, can you fucking have a little bit of fun? Um, what else? Oh, then the Muslim religion, I don't want to get down on my knees every day of four in the afternoon. I'm fucking old, my knees hurt. I don't want to do that shit. I got to carry a yoga man around everywhere I fucking go and try and figure out, you know, which way is southeast or whatever the hell I'm supposed to. I don't want to do that. I don't want to fucking do any of that. So I think that pretty much Oh, Scientology. That's the last one. You know, that one I would actually join, because it's just something funny about, you know, being a fly in the wall, hanging out with that level of weirdo. You know, I think they're the weirdest out of all of them. Scientology's just because the fucking religion, like all other religions were started. It seems way the fuck back in the day. So there's this vagueness that there's no proof that it's complete bullshit. You know, but L. Ron Hubbard has a quote. If you want to make, you want to become a millionaire, start a religion. He basically admits that he kind of just made all this shit up, said that he was the guy. He did it in like the 40s. You know, and they're all sitting around there waiting for a fucking spaceship to show up. I just want to go down there and have a really fucking intense conversation with Tom Cruise, you know, and just see if I can get him going. You know, what I would do is I would just say that was a little confused about a certain aspect of my life, just to watch him go into fucking motivational speaker mode, you know, laughing maniacally. You know, Scientology, they got in all religions, they have those giant cavernous buildings. So when somebody laughs maniacally, you get the fucking amazing acoustics, you know, the same acoustics that are like in Jimmy Page's stairwell when they recorded the drums for when the levy breaks, you know, good, those drums sound just imagine somebody laughing in that fucking stairwell. You know what, should I add some reverb here and give you a maniacal laugh? That'd be too much fucking work. Anyways, so this is what I did this week. So I went down there to go fucking see if I could get a Mustang and the place was closed. And then I'm driving back and I'm like, was that a sign? Was that a sign that I shouldn't have done it? And it's like, no, Bill, that's a sign that you're a dumb fuck. And you didn't check to see what their hours were. So whatever, whatever. So this is what I did this week. All right. I did a lot of shit this week, by the way. Let me let me let me remember before I tell you that fucking story. I did Kevin James podcast this week. And that is going to be, I say Kevin James, Kevin Smith. I did Kevin Smith. Oh, Jesus. Nah, it's going to be one of these fucking weeks, isn't it? I did Kevin Smith's podcast. It's going to be uploaded today. He does, I actually, he didn't show up. He was sick. So I actually sat in for him, which is really nerve wracking, because I, you know, remind me what I like, what the ice capades when I saw him in 1976 at the old Boston God, I saw him in the late 70s, actually, and Dorothy Hamill didn't show up. And we were all fucking upset. And they had some other chick, uh, substitute and everybody fucking booed. So I was worried that these, these comic book readings, sci fi fans were going to boo me and they didn't. Um, and, uh, fortunately, uh, Ralph Garman, his co host, fucking hilarious. He made me feel totally comfortable. I did the show with him and that, um, that podcast is going to be up today. All right. So you're getting two, two podcasts from me today. All right. You're probably going to be completely sick of me. Am I getting overexposed in the podcast world? I did Doug Benson's last week. I did, I did Kevin Smith's on Saturday at Ayres today. And on Wednesday, I'm going to do the Sklar brothers. I'm making the podcast rounds people. I think I am becoming a fucking go to guest in the podcasting world. You know, like back in the day, when somebody canceled, Oh fuck, we need a guest back in the day in the tonight show, who'd they go with? They, they, they'd bring in George Goble. They bring in Bert Reynolds and he do that fucking cannonball run laugh, right? That's what I'm becoming in the podcast world. I did Joe Rogan's like fucking three weeks ago. Who else am I doing? I think I'm doing Chris Porter's coming up. Uh, you know, I am just doing all kinds of free work here in the podcasting world people. That's what it's all about. Speaking of which, speaking of which, um, I actually on the Mm podcast page for the first time ever, we have installed a donation button. So if you want to stop listening to me cry like a cunt, if you like, you know, whatever, if you want to donate to the podcast, I'd really appreciate it. Uh, because this is a ton of work. I do appreciate the fact that I do get to communicate to you guys, but you know, if you want to fucking donate or whatever, uh, we're starting to take this thing to the next level. I came up with the new Monday morning podcast logo or actually the real thing is I paid somebody to do it. We got T shirts and shit like that. We got some merchandise coming. So, um, so that way the podcast can continue to be free. If you want to donate a buck, whatever you want to donate, five bucks, fucking six bucks, 350, whatever the fuck you want to donate, if you go to the Mm podcast page, Mmpodcast.com. It's on the right hand side, just under the Twitter, Facebook buttons, you'll see donate, just click on there, uh, and go right through PayPal, whatever. All right, donation only, just like a church. Can I guilt you guys? Huh? Can I guilt you like Jesus? And he said it on to you with go fuck with yourself. Um, and what else? I really got to get this shit out of the way. I have to make sure that I do treat my career like a business at some point here. So I do have to hype a couple of things here. All right. Uh, my, my web guy said, remind everyone to follow you on Twitter. He made a list, a list here because I blow this every week. All right, follow me on Twitter at Bill Burr. Uh, I believe that's my Twitter now. I know my fucking Twitter name. It's either at bill Burr or at bill Burr.com. I think it's just at Bill Burr, B-U-R-R, uh, I tweet, I talk about things. I Twitter. I don't tweet. That's the masculine way. Let's see homophobic way of tweeting you Twitter. What else do it also feel, also tell them to feel free to hit the share button when you post videos on your Facebook page. Oh yeah, I'm trying to get my Facebook page, uh, the fan page, trying to get those numbers up. We've had a 2,500 people since Tuesday. We're trying to keep that thing going. You know what people? I'm actually, for the first time in my career, I'm going to try to use the internet to my advantage. See up until this point, I really had no gameplay. It was like, I'm just going to go on here. I'm going to say a bunch of stupid shit for a fucking hour. And you know, if people like it, they fucking like it, man. And if they find it, they fucking find it. And I realized that, you know what, there's nine zillion podcasts out there. I need to, I got to advertise. I got a fucking, I got to do what the fuck I got to do here. I'm finally realizing that, you know, turning 43 in June, you know, at some point, I would like to, uh, feel that if, you know, I don't know what, if I was to lose my pancreas, I could still have enough money scrolled away that I could, I could afford oatmeal for breakfast for the rest of my life. Isn't that what everybody wants? Don't you guys have a, don't you have a number in your fucking head? What's your number? You know, you guys watch Breaking Bad? You guys watched that fucking show. Do you know, uh, Eisenberg, his Mr. White, his big number is 600 grand. If he can get 600 grand in cash, scrolled away into the bottom of his house, if he kicks the bucket, his family's going to be okay. See, so I don't have a family. I got my girl. All right. And I got my dog. All right. But I plan on fucking living. I don't have a terminal disease like Mr. White. Actually, he's in remission on that show. Sorry. I'm getting a little fucking Breaking Bad. I'm going a little geek here for that show. Um, excuse me. What would be my, I have no fucking idea what my figure would be? Definitely six. You need six figures. All right. Would you guys do that? You know, cause everybody wants a fucking house. It is, it is something for you. Everybody wants a house. All right. Oh wait, let me explain that shit real quick. Cause I don't even think I explained it on my, on my Facebook page, the fan page. We're going to start posting some, uh, some of the funny videos, the YouTube ones. And if you like them, only if you like them. If you think they're funny, just share them with the rest of your friends. And then hopefully they'll see that. And they'll be like, well, who the fuck is this redheaded character? And then they'll go onto my page. And if they like my comedy, then they fucking add me, you know? And then maybe I can catch up with some of the, these other comedians out there who are playing these gigantic venues with, with, uh, with fucking sparklers that come down at the end of their shows, right people? I want to sell out everybody. That, there's an assignment for you. This, we come up with a catch phrase for me. What is something that I can say, get her done. What can I dynamite? What can I say at the end of my jokes? Huh? Maybe I can just do that. Huh? At the everywhere with, would that be enough? And then I sell, huh, t-shirts at the end? Is that what I got to do? You know what, this really is people I know what you're thinking is, is Bill just going to give up all fucking integrity. You know what it is? Is I need a fucking vacation. I need a fucking vacation. It's coming up in June, first two weeks of June. I'm on vacation and I know what you think. And you're going to still do the podcast, man. Of course I'm going to, I'm not going to leave you hanging. I'm fucking, I'm going to, I want to go to the middle of nowhere. I want to get a cabin. That's what I want to do. Are there any rednecks listening to this shit? Anyone, can you recommend me some shit? Who's going to be the first podcast listener to take me hunting? All right? And you got to know, I don't know how to shoot anything, but I will fucking shoot something. I don't have a problem killing an animal. I don't. If I'm out there, there'll be enough mosquitoes that I'll be in enough of an ordinary mood. You know, I already told you I could shoot a fucking deer. As long as it didn't have any deer friends standing around or any little kids, doze, whatever it is, you know? I was a kid who if it was a really majestic looking one with a bunch of fucking, what do they call, a 12 pointer or something? I couldn't shoot that either. We just, it had to be a stupid looking deer just standing there fucking just, you know, you could just tell a bear is going to club it over the head soon, right? Isn't that how bears kill their fucking, their prey? They like pick up a stick, they start bashing it over the fucking head like Hannibal Lecter. Anyways, did I finish hyping everything? I think that's it. Oh, and this week, I'm also going to be at the PAPs Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. There's only a little, there's only a few tickets left for that one and the Detroit Show is sold out. So I want to thank both those blue collar towns that I'm finally making my way to. I got there without having to have a puppet or a catchphrase people. Very proud of that. But now I want to play, I want to play Tiger Stadium. So I need. I need a catchphrase everybody. Come on. And I'll try them out too. I'm not beyond it. I will try them out next week on the podcast. Come up with a fucking horrific one. Oh, wait a minute. Didn't what's his face already do this? Ricky Gervais. Didn't he do that? Didn't he do a show? Neither used to watch that show. He was an extra. Are you having a laugh? That's such a great fucking, that's the perfect. That's just, that's brilliant writing right there that day. I don't know if Ricky Gervais came up, but I don't know who came up with that, but that is just so fucking, that is, that's just perfect. Goddamn, that's just, am I even funny right now? I'm just sitting here just fucking, I'm just, you know, you know what I'm doing right now? I am, I'm sitting right now on my bed laying sideways on my bed, laying on my side with my head on my hand, you know, like I'm posing for Playgirl magazine, you know, like the, the Bert Rettles pose back in the 70s. Look at me. I think, I think, I think I'm getting, I think I'm getting a fucking ego. Got an extra 2,500 friends on my Facebook page. I'm telling people to follow me on Twitter. Look at me. I'm not even being funny this week. I'm just hyping shit. And we got the new lady, Bill Bird tank tops coming up. I can't fucking do that shit. All right, let's plow ahead here. Let's get into the podcast, shall we? I have so much shit to talk about. I'm already 25 fucking minutes into this thing. Let's try to blow through this quickly. My parents came to town this week. This weekend came out here to visit and, you know, the deal. You feel like you're an adult. You feel like you're a man. You're a guy's guy. You're driving down the street in your hybrid with your fucking arm hanging out the window and you made sure you put sunblock on so you didn't get cancer because you're a fucking fake, right? You think you got the world figured out, then all of a sudden your parents show up and immediately you turn into a kid again and you, you want their approval. So, you know, I don't have any kids. I don't have anything to show that I am living for anybody other than myself. I am living a selfish artist life. I play guitar. I play drums. I play hockey. I fucking tell jokes. I fucking do whatever the hell I want to do. I just sit around all day staring at my balls. It's great. It's fucking great. I don't know why the fuck you guys have a guy. I know how you chose love. I don't know why you ever got married. I don't know why you ever had kids and then you fucking change yourself to your cubicle. I don't know why you did it, but evidently it's worth it because everybody I know who has kids goes, dude, I'm telling you. Yeah, I fucking work all day. You know, every morning my boss comes in and slaps me in the face with his tie and calls me a bitch and I say, thank you, sir. I may have another and I fucking hate my job. Well, I tell you when I get home, when I get home and I just see my kid at Jasmine. Whatever they say, all that fucking horse shit. And the thing is, is I know it's true. I know it's true. I know when I have a kid, I'm not going to give a fuck how I look anymore. You know, I'm not going to moisturize. I'm going to be walking around an old clothes and old fucking gym shoes. That's my biggest fear. If I ever become a parent, I'll just become a parent. You know, and just dress like shit and drive that old car. I don't want to do it. Why? Why? If you become a parent, why? Jerry Seidfeld has porsches. What am I talking about? See, there's a smart fucking guy. You know, he made his dream come true. He made his half a fucking billion. He got a fleet of porsches. And then he went down to the gym. He picked out some check. I don't give a fuck if you're fucking engaged. Let's go, sweetie. I got half a billion dollars. Come over here. Come over here and ride my rich cock. All right. Then he starts pumping out the fucking kids late 40s, early 50s people. That's if you're in your early 20s, that's how you do it. That's how you do it. You make your million first, then you grab some bitch by your fucking hair. You drag her up the stairs and you say, listen woman, I know you want shiny shit. I can buy you shiny shit. All right. So make your decision. Go ahead and choose love. You get, you fall in and out of it during the relationship. You know, it's going to wear off and that way you're going to be. You're going to be sitting there in some fucking house, some drab ass fucking house. Cheerios in your hair. Bunch of little ones running around and then what? Oh, you can choose me. Shiny shit. You want a nice shiny kitchen counter with a shiny fridge? You know, I'm 50 years old. I've been working for 35 fucking years. I have no dependence. I can buy you the shiny shit you want. So why don't you come over here and ride my half a century old cock? You know, take my fucking dusty semen, fertilize you and then we'll have a couple of fucking kids, you know, and you can be the one who plays with them. And I'll just sit here in a fucking old sweater, rocking back and forth, going, I did it. I did it. Eating pot cookies, whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't give a shit. I have enough money for help. That's my game plan, people. As I sit here in a one-bedroom apartment, my early 40s and sweatpants and a fucking t-shirt. Still holding on to that dream, people. Anyways, the fuck was so my parents come to town. That's what the fuck I'm trying to tell us. That's what I'm really trying to talk about here. My parents come to town. And so I don't have any kids. I don't have anything to show them. I'm driving a fucking hybrid. Nothing I'm doing is really that impressive. So what do I do? I just start taking them out to restaurants. You know, that was the only card I had to play. Look at all the cool places. I know where to eat. That's all I have, people. You double my age. I'm 84. 42 years of living on this planet. That's all I can show my parents is places to eat. So I've been actually been doing really good with the hiking, taking my fucking awesome dog for hikes. And then I come home and I have a big bowl of fucking oatmeal. You know? And I have it the real way. I just have oatmeal, like a prisoner of war. Just slop it right in the bowl. Throw a little bit of raisins on it. That's the only fucking excitement I allow during my breakfast moment. You know? All you fucks out there trying to lose weight. What do you do? You make something healthy and then you fucking add your drugs to it. Don't you? Your sugar is your salt. Put a little milk in there. A little bit of cinnamon sugar. How many put a scoop of ice cream on top of it? What do you have for breakfast? I had oatmeal. I'm telling you, it's my metabolism. No, it isn't. You cheating, fuck. Stop putting up the food steroids into your healthy food. You got to sit there and you know what you got to do is you got to get that fucking, you got to get that desire, that craving out of your body. You know? Like you guys, if you watch my stand up specials, you guys realize that I have a sweet tooth. I hate that about myself. But you know what it was? I fucking just stopped eating them. And it took about a week. Every night I'd be driving home going, I want a piece of cake. What the fuck is, what is your birthday bill? What the fuck's wrong with me? I want a piece of cake. Like a pine ice cream. I just wanted it, right? Then after a fucking week, your body just gets that craving out of your system. Now I don't want it anymore. And you know what's funny is now that it's out of my system. I walked into this place the other day and they had to go in and get this this three bean salad, you know? Because I'm really, I'm trying to get the booze weight off, you know, because I quit booze and but I just kept eating like an idiot. I'm trying to make get my head back down to the size it should be, right? So I'm going in that order that and I'm sitting there, of course, right in the front. They got like, you know, seven different kinds of cakes and all this shit. And because I wasn't craving sugar, like it looked, it looked bizarre. It looked like clown food. All these bright colors and shit. Like, why would you even eat that shit? You know, a week before, or if I'd had some, some bad food, I would have fucking had my face pressed up against the glass trying to, you know, just want to eat half the cake. So whatever. So I've been doing great with my diet and all that type of shit that my parents come to town. And that's all I had. I was just like, you know, I just started taking them out. I fucking had, you know, a couple of cheeseburgers. I was eating a fucking Grand Slam breakfast last night at some fifties diner. Took them out to some French restaurant, eating beef, boring and y'all out of this stew pot that looks like the Jolly Green Giant made the shit. And I'm at that age couple of days eating bad again, like five fucking pounds. Now I got a big doughy white stomach again. It's killing me. So anyways, this is how fucking hilarious my parents are. They come out to visit me in Hollywood. All right. Where do you think they wanted to go? What tourist attraction? Go ahead. I'll give you a second to guess. What are you going to guess to go look at the Hollywood Walk of Fame, all those stars on the sidewalk, man's Chinese theater, Hollywood bowl, sunset strip, go down, look at the Paramount Studios, get that picture taken in front of the Hollywood sign. No, you know what they wanted to go? They wanted to go to the Ronald Reagan library. The Ronald Reagan presidential library. How fucking awesome is that? You know, you know the deal or whatever you live in a city for a while. If you live in St. Louis every time you come there, people want to go to the fucking arch. You don't want to go there. You don't give a fuck. They want to ride that little stupid elevator up to the top. You don't want to do it, but you got to do it. You live in New York, some douchebag wants to go to the top of the empire, state building. You don't want to do it. So my parents came out here and I'm thinking, I got to take them to the usual spots. And they said that they wanted to go to the Ronald Reagan presidential library. And I was like, that's in Hollywood? They're like, no, no, no, it's out west, west of LA. And I was like, you know what, I'll fucking do that. I'll do that in a second. And I went out to him and I had a great goddamn time. That's something you ought to do. You ought to go to a presidential library. It's fucking hilarious, especially if it's a president where you were alive when all the shit that happened went down. So then you can go into that library because the library is hilarious. I don't give a fuck who it is. They are going to make that guy look. This is like the third library. I've been to the JFK. I've been to the Richard Nixon. And I've been to the now the Ronald Reagan. None of these were my ideas. I'm a fucking moron. I don't want to go to these things. I'm just always with people who want to go to this shit. And what I've noticed with the libraries is they just make the person seem just like the greatest fucking person ever. Like evidently Ronald Reagan was the greatest guy ever, which amazes me because I thought it was Richard Nixon. And before that, I thought it was fucking JFK. They just, you know, they had one part of it. They had this whole, you know, that whole just say no to drugs thing that they came up with was a miserable failure. I remember it. I remember that people used to make fun. Just say no. Okay. Well, that solves the crack epidemic. When somebody asks you for drugs, just say no. Okay. Meanwhile, we're going to cut funding for anything that would help you get out of your financial fucking problem in the inner city. You know, and then the one viable commodity, the drugs, which you either sell and make money, or you take to fucking numb the pain of living in a goddamn war zone, just say no to that. Just just say you don't want to do it. And then continue going to an incredibly unsafe shitty school that we're not going to help to try to make anything better. So they but in the library, it was just an absolute smashing success. And they were showing her just say no and her hugging some inner city children. And the dress she wore. This is just a Nancy Reagan part. And then they actually, you know, was the best part. They had a, they had a just say no board game, which I was trying to take a picture of, but the fucking security kept looking at me. You weren't allowed to take pictures in the Ronald Reagan presidential library. And I just wanted to see like, you know, I just want, I want to, I got to look that up on the internet. I want to know what happens. How do you lose that game? Do you like slowly become a junkie as you play that game? And they're like, you know, at the end of the board game, is there one gated community nice neighborhood where you live with all the banker cuts? And then there's another one where you make the left turning, you're just in some fucking slum that they cut funding to. Is that basically it? So having gone to that, and then the Reagan thing was just like, you know, obviously I like the shit he did where he strengthened our military, you know, and then the Russians tried to strengthen their military, and then they fucking went bankrupt. That was a great fucking move. It ended up being the worst thing for this country, though, I think, because you need an adversary. You need one because if you don't, then you just become a greedy cunt because there's nobody stopping you from just fucking eating every piece of cake that's on the goddamn table. But anyways, so I haven't gone to the Reagan one. I now want to go to the Bill Clinton one because I want to see how they spin all that Monica Lewinsky. I finger fuck some fat whore in the White House. I just got to see because they got to address it because he got impeached. He's only only two presidents in history have ever gotten impeached. It's him and some other fucking guy. Forget the other guy. Everybody thinks it's fucking Nixon, but he did Nixon resigned before that shit happened. He pulled a manie Ramirez. I'm going to Spain. I'm out to see you. But I don't know, man. It was really it was as much as I'm making fun of Reagan and that type of shit. Like, you know, I don't buy into Democrats or Republicans. They all serve the same fucking guys. It doesn't make a difference, especially at this point. But it was just interesting to see. I'm still into the memorabilia. Like the creepiest part of the Reagan library is you fucking go through it. And remember when John Hinckley tried to kill him? They you walk into this one part, they go, this is the assassination part of the Ronald Reagan fucking library and you walk in there and there's three screens all showing the exact same thing and they go, it'll start in 10 seconds and they just show the raw footage of Reagan walking out. And this guy squeezing off six fucking shots. You know, Brady got shot in the head. Thank God it was a 22 or as he would have been dead. But a DC police officer and then a secret service officer all got shot and then Reagan took one that ricocheted off the car and caught him. So it's just the raw footage. There's no like, you know, like fucking Tom Brokaw going tonight, nightly news, Ronald Reagan was attempting to be there. It wasn't any of that. They just showed it like he was standing there. It was the creepiest shit ever. Just he's walking out waving and then it pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And then everybody just died. Get him out, get him out, get him out here, get him out here. And the car fucking dries away and you're like, Jesus Christ. So then you walk into the next room, which is like 10 feet away and there's no door. Okay. And now you're looking at the suit that Reagan wore when he got shot and there's a bullet right in the fucking the coat, the side of the coat. And then, you know, the fucking assassination, the attempt, the raw footage is playing every 10 seconds. So now you're looking at the suit and then all of a sudden you just hear, pop, pop, pop, pop, get him out here, get him out of here. And it just kept playing. Get him out of here, get him out. It just was like, dude, what the fuck? And that was the only part of the library I didn't like. It's like, I got it. Jesus Christ. And I had to leave. But the best part of the library, and I got pictures of this up on the mm podcast.com is they fucking had Air Force one, a 757, the entire fucking plane, they had it encased within the building and you could go and you could go on the fucking thing. And they had the place where the guys sat with the, you know, the nuclear devices turn your key. This is what blew my mind to when you got on the plane is, you know, now we're just starting to get to technology where us regular people can be on the internet and use phones and shit. They had that technology on Air Force one back in the day when fucking Reagan Carter, all those guys, you could, you could pick up a rotary phone and call the Kremlin, whoever the fuck you needed to talk to on a goddamn rotary phone. So that means that that technology is at least 35 years ahead of us that that that would be the only reason why I would ever want to be president. I just want to see what like Obama's cell phone looks like, the capabilities of it, you know, anybody was any of that fucking interesting. All right, let's let's move on here real quick, and then we start, I'm gonna get into the whole fucking questions for the week. Oh, coming up this next week, Tribeca Film Festival starts and me, Robert Kelly and Joe DeRosa have a movie that got selected, a short film called Cheat, and somebody sent me an email about it. It said, hey Bill, how you doing? So dude, just watch the trailer for Cheat. And man, I got to tell you, it looks quite good. It's really cool to see you, Bobby and Joe and even dumb Vos doing something serious like this. Is it going to make a run across theaters? What are the chances of it being on DVD sometime? This is the deal. It's just short film. So we'll probably try and put it in other film festivals, but we're currently writing a book, Me, Joe and Bobby, and that's based off of the movie, and the book will be out next year, the beginning part of next year, hopefully, and in the back of the book, the full movie will be available. So the the movie itself Cheat will come with the book, and I can't tell you what it's about because I don't want to ruin the fucking movie. So I'm glad you think that it looks cool. And anybody in the New York area, please go on to the Tribeca website that I don't have, of course, as always, I don't have any information. I'll have it next week, next week, by the way, I'm going to have Bobby and Joe DeRosa on my podcast. The first time ever, there's going to be three people on my podcast, two guests at the same time. I'll see how I handled that. I went out and I bought a third mic people. I'm ready to do it. So what else? What else did I want to talk about? Oh, how about the Bruins, huh? How about the Bruins digging themselves a fucking hole? I still have faith. I got a feeling the Bruins are going to go into Montreal tonight, they're going to kick this shit out of those fake fucking Parisian motherfuckers up there. You know what's annoying me? It's not even annoying me that we're losing to the Canadians because I don't know why people are picking the Bruins to win the cup. I just was still missing at least two major pieces to have a championship run. But what's killing me is they're making carry price look like he's Ken Dryden, and he isn't. He isn't. These are the first two playoff games this guy has ever fucking won in his entire career. All right. The last time we saw this guy in the playoffs, we beat him four games in a fucking row. What's going on now is the Canadians they're forwards in the defencemen that blocking shots. The Bruins just are playing the dumbest fucking hockey. Taking slap shots. There's nobody in front. Here you go, Kerry. Is there enough ice between me and you so you can get a nice beat on this puck? Fucking horrific. And I know a lot of Bruins fans have pissed a chart and didn't play a game to. They said he was dehydrated and everybody went, Oh, these fucking European players to such pussies drink some Gatorade. I think that they couldn't say that he was puking and shitting his brains out probably for 24 hours. I think he had what I had like a month ago. So hopefully he'll come back and he'll crunch another one of those pussy fucking Canadian players into the boards and then they can fucking make a goddamn federal case out of it. I don't know. The series is not over. There's no fucking way. There's no way it's over. I have faith. We got a fucking win. We got a win tonight. All right, that's it. And other than that, I've just been watching the, uh, these are my predictions. I think the lightning are going to be Pittsburgh. I think, uh, I think the Bruins are going to come back and beat the Canadians. That's my heart talking. Flyers will beat the savers. Who else? These are easy. Detroit's going to be Phoenix. Vancouver's going to beat Chicago. And, uh, wait, wait, wait, what round do you think San Jose is going to choke this year? Everybody? Do you think the Kings are going to come back and beat him? I have no fucking idea. All right. Let's plow ahead here. My finals are the obvious. I think it's, I think the Flyers. No, what about the Capitol? Do you think the Capitals have finally pushed through? I got a funny feeling the Rangers are going to beat the Capitals. I felt that even though they lost game one, I thought the Rangers were going to come back and steal game two, but when they didn't, they went up two games to none. I, that's when I was like, I guess the capitals are going to do it this year, but now that they won Game three, I don't know. I don't know. There's a lot of pressure on the capitals. A lot of fucking pressure on those fucking cuts in DC. All right. Let's plow ahead here. All right. Uh, very happy stay-at-home dad rights. Uh, dear Bill, after listening to one of your recent podcasts and also watching Let It Go, I felt compelled to write in. I have major issues with stay-at-home moms complaining about how hard it is. Oh, Jesus. Uh, perhaps this topic is played out, but I think my situation may bring a new light on the matter. I'm a stay-at-home dad. I'll spare you how it became a stay-at-home dad and just tell you that it's terrific. I love it. I do all of what you'd expect. Clean, do laundry, yard work, cook homework with the kids and pickups and drop-offs and have no problem with any of it. Dude, that sounds like a fucking vacation. Wouldn't it be hanging out with fucking kids? I know it sucks when they're babies, but once they become like just like little people, you know, and plus all the technology that they have to fucking in case your children, you know what I mean? Just like put up those little barricades and you can make those little rubber rooms so they can't hurt themselves and then you stick like the teletubbies on and that's like, you know, LSD for kids and they just sitting there tripping as you're in the other room, making yourself a little scotch. Um, anyways, yeah, there's no boss and every day is like fucking Saturday. You get to hang at your house, you get to sleep in your bone bed. I know the grass is always greener, but that sounds fucking awesome. Anyway, she says I'm a pretty organized person, so the house always looks good and I've always been a good cook. Now, I'm an even better one. My wife comes home to great meals in a clean house and at the end of her day needs only to eat, relax and hang out with their daughter. Another child is on the way this July. What does your wife do for a living that she can support you? You guys live in nice? That's even better. She's got some insane fucking job. One of the biggest problems with my situation is when she decides to reclaim one of the traditional female roles around the house. This happens periodically about once a month, usually less. It must be primitive genetic code that kicks in every so often. When it does, my world gets fucked. Suddenly, I'm told nothing is where it should be in the kitchen and need and I and we need to organize it or that pots aren't good enough or that shit is too high on the shelves. I'm like a foot taller than my wife. You know what happened with this reading here? I was just thinking how well I was reading. Now I'm in my fucking head and I'm screwing up. Let's try to regroup here, Bill. All right. Or worse, when she decides to go food shopping, come home with shit. We don't need or we've never eaten before because she felt we should try it. Or worse yet, when she decides to cook a meal. Her cooking isn't bad, but when she cooks, I don't get the night off. My job is to show her where everything is spices, dry goods, pots, etc. And also to reach shit, she can't. When she's done, I spend the next day reorganizing everything to my liking. Dude, you got to be like a broad there. You got to claim the kitchen. Now, don't go around moving things. I have everything where I need it. Just shoot, shoot, get out of here. I'll do this. That's what you got to do. Your problem is, is you're letting her in. See, women can shoot guys out of the kitchen because we don't, usually most guys don't want to be in there. And in the end, we always try to keep in a good mood. So maybe you'll blow us that night. You know, women, they don't have that kind of sex drive. You know, and plus they always have the option of banging someone at work if they want to, you know, with absolutely no game whatsoever, other than just fucking wearing some hoary shoes and hiking their skirt up. They don't even need an open in line. You know, their lives are so fucking easy other than fucking having to squeeze a kid out. That's the one thing I'll give you. Those nine months of hell. But you get paid back. You get to tee off 12 fucking 20 yards in front of me at the golf course. People hold doors for you. You don't have to pay for a movie. You show a little cleavage. You get free drinks all night. What the fuck are you broads bitching about? All right, plow ahead here. So anyways, he goes, I don't go to her office rearranging shit on occasion. On the occasions I dropped by. Oh, Jesus. So don't laugh at me when I tell you certain things go in certain areas of the fridge and why it's neat. I know I do it. I totally get it. I'm not giving you shit. He said, I used to complain out loud to her about it. Now I just grin and bear it on occasion. On the occasion, it happens. I figured it's better not to rock the boat, lest she wises up and sees how good I have it. Dude, you live in the fucking life. You know what you are, dude? You're basically retired and your wife is out there providing your pension. I think that's phenomenal. I think that is absolutely phenomenal. And I don't know why more women don't enjoy being stay-at-home moms. And I'm not trying to be a chauvinistic pig here. You know, okay, those first few years suck without a doubt. But then you got to understand once they go to school, all right, they start going to school at nine and they get off at three. You got six hours in the middle of the day to do whatever the fuck you want to do. And you know something? And that's one of those classic points that you bring up to women or stay-at-home moms and they freak the fuck out. And then they go, oh, you know, then they try to make those six hours difficult like all the fucking shit they have to do. It's like, what do you have to do? What exactly do you have to do? You got the kid dressed and you fed him. Now he's at fucking school. Someone else is watching the kid for the next six hours. What exactly is it that you have to fucking do? Laundry? Oh my God, that that's got to be so difficult to separate whites from the darks, stick it in a fucking machine and press a button and have it clean it for you. Where is the- you're just- if those six hours aren't enough for you, you're just creating work for yourself. You know? You can actually be sitting on the couch drinking a margarita as a machine washes the fucking clothes. It's not that big a fucking deal. It really isn't. Go out food shopping and you get to go out there in the day when there's no traffic and there's nobody around. You go to the post office. You just sort of putts around town, your little Mayberry town. That's a fucking dream. You know? I don't know. I just think that, you know, that just seems like a fucking awesome life. And then the kids come home and it gets loud or whatever. But then your kids, you love them. You make them fucking sandwiches. You know, and then what? I mean, how much longer do they go? You put them to bed by fucking eight. They get home at like, what, 330? I just don't understand what the big fucking deal is. I just don't get it. I really don't get it. Somebody please it. You don't understand if every fucking day. That's another thing too. And at the end of all of that bitching, it's like, well, you didn't have to be a mom. You know? It's very easy. There's condoms. There's the pill. There's a whole bunch of prophylactics, all different kinds that you can choose from. You fucking chose the job and now you're bitching about it. What is your fucking problem? Jesus Christ. You don't want to go food shopping? Just go buy a jar of peanut butter and a big giant jar of jelly. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. There you go. Bang. You can do that like three, four times a week. They don't give a fuck, big glass of milk, some cheese and crackers. You're overthinking it. Ladies, you're over fucking thinking. I don't think it's that fucking hard. I think you guys are full of shit. You know what it is? Just like how this guy said at the end of his email, where he's just sitting there grinning and burying it and he doesn't want to rock the boat, lest she wises up to see how good he has it. I think that that's why they'll stay at home moms. I'm not talking about working moms. I'm talking about stay at home moms. I think that that's why they complain that much. The only complaint, there are aspects I do understand. The fact that you guys sit there talking googoo gaga talk the whole fucking day and you just want to hang out with an adult at some point, that would drive me a little bad shit. But you know everything has, you know, it's ups and downs and I just don't see the fucking downside is being that that's steep with that job. I really don't. Anyways, sitting there making macaroni trees, you know, taking them to the fucking playground and pushing them on a swing. I mean, how difficult is that? That's difficult. That's harder than sitting in a cubicle, having somebody coming over and telling you what to do. Do you ever think what's great about being a stay at home mom is your your own fucking boss. Nobody's telling you what to do. Nobody's telling, don't even fucking tell me your kids are telling you what to do. Okay, get your goddamn kids in order. All right. That's what they invented sticks for. You know, slap them around a little bit. You put the fear of death in them and then they shut the fuck up. That's what my mom used to do. She had a paddle. My dad was a member of eternity. He saved the paddle and we were dicks. My mother would line all of us up and she beat the shit out of all of us and you just be standing there in line waiting for the fucking beaten to come, right? And then you'd always try to block it with your hand and fucking smash in knuckles. And then she'd send us all to bed. That was like her break. She'd do that once a day and like the afternoon. That was her afternoon break. She'd send us to bed and then we'd go upstairs crying. All sweaty and crying and shit and sticky from whatever the fuck we just spilled that caused her to kick the shit out of us. And then, you know, we'd be up there 10 minutes and then we'd just fall asleep. That was it. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. All right, ask Bill prom issues. Hey, Bill, I'm a senior in high school and have not been to any of my school functions. I've been there, sir. I've been there. I didn't go to, I went to my senior prom. I didn't go to any of the other ones. I was a fucking orange-haired freak in high school. And I didn't, I didn't even have the courage to ask anybody out. I just saw what was in the mirror and I was just like, I'm not going to do this to somebody else. Why would I put this on someone else? I have never been to a school dance and only a few football games in my high school career. Dude, did I write this in a drunken stupor? This sounds like my high school career. Next week is the prom for my school and I was wondering if I should go. I know people say I should go and it would always be a special moment in my life. But, uh, will it really is prom overrated? Dude, you know what, this is a fucking depressed individual, you know? Dude, you want to go and now you're going to sit there. You're, you know what it is, dude? You're too fucking smart for your own good and you're going to sit there and you're going to break down the prom, how fucking stupid it is and the dumb songs and the DJ and how you never, you know, it's senior year. You're never going to see these people again in your life anyways. Should I not go? Dude, you should definitely go. Get the balls up to ask somebody. It's a great exercise because someday you're going to see a girl that you're going to want to talk to and you want to have a couple at bets. All right? So just fucking ask someone to the prom. Go get dressed up. Take the pictures. Have a good time. Don't do what you're doing, dude. You're over analyzing life. You're going to start pulling back from the herd and you're going to end up like me. Some psycho babbling to himself and it takes you 20 years to get it right. Took me 20 years before I met Nia and I finally got it fucking right and I'm starting to function like a human being and thinking about having kids and having a dog. I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you. All right? It's, it's a part of growing up. It's a social thing. It's very important. I think it's very important to go to your proms and your social events because that's what life is about. There's a great documentary out there on HBO called His Way. I am really bad with names. It's about this really successful Hollywood producer and as I watched it like I saw life lessons that I learned only recently in life and I realized how backwards I had life when I was a loner because that's not what life is about. Life is about networking, hanging out with other people, laughing with other people and becoming successful in life is all about your ability to connect with other people. And so you got to start as young as possible, man. You're still young. I would definitely do that then, you know? And that's it, man. I would definitely, I would, oh, he asked me some, did you ever go to a prom and wasn't magical? No, it wasn't. It should have been, but it wasn't because I was a walled off psycho and I apologize to the woman that I went with. I was just like you. I was sitting there. Why don't I read the rest of us here? I was thinking about going, but then came to the conclusion, conclusion of going by myself would just be, oh, I was thinking of going by myself, but then came to the conclusion that going by myself would just be awkward. Yeah, dude, you don't want to do that. You're going to freak people out. People are going to feel bad for you and then the mean people are going to tease you and it's just going to suck. And then you're going to want to come back like Carrie and kill everybody. It's just, it's a bad road. She says, so if I don't go, what should I do? Dude, go. Just go. Definitely go. You want to go. I'm telling you. If you didn't want to go, you wouldn't be asking me. Just definitely go. Just ask somebody. I know there's some girls left as sooner rather than later. And you know what, dude? Aim high. Who gives a fuck if she says no? Fuck her. She probably just end up being some fatty at a reunion one day. This is now when you want to go in there. Just I'm telling you, dude, go there. Psych yourself up. Aim high. Ask a girl that you think is out of your league. You know, take it to the prom, make her fucking laugh and then see if you can, you know, a little something might happen. Who gives it? And if it doesn't, who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? Someday when you see a dream girl sit there and Apple Beast, you'll have the balls to go up to her because you fucking talk to that cunt in high school. All right. There's my advice. All right. Let's move on here. Number two, friend is going to be a dad trying to get him to kill it. Wow. Wow. Okay. Wow. We're already at an hour here. This is going to be a long podcast. A friend is going to be a dad dash trying to get him to kill it. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Bill, my friend's got himself into a shitty situation recently. Gee, I wonder what this is. I'm really interested to hear if you have any advice for him and what you have to say. I got a call from him about a month ago and said he was going to be a father. This is the last thing I expected to hear. He's 26 and pretty much just started getting laid. Oh, you fucking poor bastard. See, see this? This is another reason why you want to go to your prom because you don't want to be this guy. The guy who first gets laid at fucking 26 doesn't know anything. Just fucking dumps his load and the first fucking stupid waitress he finds. This is a very sad thing to happen to one of your best friends. It really is. What's sadder is the girl he knocked up. What's sadder is the girl he knocked up. Oh my God, this is depressing me. She's not someone you'd want to mother your child, let alone be attached to for the rest of your life. She's a nice enough girl, but a little off. She admittedly has some issues in her head and loves pills and weed a little too much. Oh my God. What did this kid do? Let alone, she is secretly married to someone. What? Dude, are you sure you didn't want to send this to Jerry Springer? I don't really know this story, but let's assume he is foreign and there is no love involved. Oh, an arranged marriage? Is that what you're saying? Anyway, when I got the call, my friend you spelled the word wrong. I guess, respectively, respectively was at the bar. And what word you're trying to say there? My friend was at the bar and yelling about how he wants to kill it. I take it year against abortion considering you're saying kill it or you're just trying to be funny. A day or so later when our buddies get the news, we all meet up with him to have a convention friend to have an abortion dinner. Oh, I see. You want one of your buddies. We're down there talking about it. They want to kill. All right. So you're just going to sit down with him. Okay. All right. Here we go. He now has given up and is going to have it. He said he tried talking to her a few times about getting an abortion and she won't have it. She wants to have the kid and every time he brings it up, she hangs up on him or won't answer his calls and will avoid him for days. So now, in defeat, he's going to have the poor kid. Well, you know, that's one of the things there. It's not the guy's choice, which is funny. When they sit there and they say, are you pro-choice? You know, that's not for the guy. The woman decides unless you're a really smooth talker. I really think about having the kid will make her feel some sort of self-worth and that's why she wants to have it so bad. My friend is a sweetheart and I have no doubt he'll be a good father, but his situation sucks. We keep telling him that he'll be attached to this girl forever and he really needs to talk to her and that we'll even talk to her and, of course, a bunch of us pushing her down a flight of stairs jokes followed. Oh God. Now he is going with her to get an ultrasound and stuff and won't even talk to us about it. I don't know how this stuff works, but she does, but she's about two months preggers and we think he has a month left to get rid of the thing. What can he do and what can we as friends do to help? You know what, guys, he's going to have the fucking thing. I would say leave him alone and just support him and tell him whatever he does, do not marry this woman. Okay. He fucked up. He got it pregnant. She wants to have it. He doesn't have a say in it and that's it. It's going down. It's going down. So you know, he fucked up. You know, that's life. You know, sometimes when you fuck up, you don't get a do over, which is basically what an abortion is. She's not going for the do over. She's like, nope, this is the game plan and we're sticking with it just like the Rangers. Even though people are breaking their fucking ankles, they're going to keep trying to block shots. All right. That's what she's doing. She wants to have the kids. So now he just has to go with it and this is what he has to do. Never move in with her. Never marry her. Don't do anything like that. She's going to be a single mother. He's going to be a baby daddy. And what he needs to do now is he needs to buy a fucking lifetime supply of condoms. He needs to go out and find the woman that he's supposed to knock up and marry. And in the meantime, support that kid. That's what he has to do because he busted and not in her and she's keeping it. So he's fucked. He's fucked when it comes to that. But his life is not over. He only has to deal with this bitch for 18 fucking years. He has to deal with his kid for life. I think what he should do is the kid should be the priority. He should come to some sort of Zen realization that he's not going to convince this woman not to be a fucking maniac. If she is a psycho, like you said, what I would do is I try to convince her not to smoke weed or take any pills during the fucking pregnancy. And that's it. I mean, his only other route is if maybe she wants to put it up for adoption, but it doesn't seem like she wants to do that. But he just needs to settle into the fact that he's having a fucking kid. But what you guys need to make sure is that this woman does not talk him into getting married and being legally. All he has to do is pay child support. If he gets married to her, now you're talking alimony and all that type of shit. And then when he wants to start his family with the fucking woman he wants to be with, that's going to be a fucking nightmare. So that's it. All right. So that's what I would do. I would just say, listen, just support him as a friend and say, dude, if you ever fucking bang another girl without a condom, I am going to disown you. I'm going to disown you because it's killing me watching you go through this shit. So just make sure you fuck the abortion. He's not doing it. They have in the kids. So now what you got to do is do not marry this woman. Do not marry her. And that's fucking it. That's it, man. That's a brutal, brutal, brutal fucking situation. There, but for the grace of God. Anyway, here we go. Let's read this guy from London. Guy from London. Look at this all the way across the fucking pond needs advice about girl with STD. Jesus Christ, you guys are fucking killing me this week. I'm a Londoner who just discovered your stand up podcast. I got to tell you, you're one of the best coming. Thank you, man. That's fucking awesome. You know, great. That is to hear from another country. You make me laugh from the pit of my stomach, which is a pretty special gift to give someone. So thank you. Thank you. All right. Let's see if I can help you out of your fucking problem here. Anyway, I'm writing you because I just joined a dating website. I don't know how you feel about online dating, but my opinion has always been that it's fucked up. Who needs to join a website to get laid, who isn't in some way a fucking lunatic, right? I think that's the way it was in the beginning, but now it's becoming this phenomenal way of avoiding a cover charge and having to buy somebody a drink and just going right towards the chick you want. Nino. What's going on? My girl just walked in fucking brutal questions this week. You want to hear that just the titles of these questions or just one in general? I guess it was just this one friend is going to be a dad trying to get him to kill it. What? Yeah. Okay. All right. No, I already answered it. She you know that that whole pro choice thing are you pro choice? The choice is really the woman's. You know, if she wants to vacuum it out, like the Hoover's getting turned on. And if what could you not say it like that? When a guy makes a joke like that, even though you've never had a kid, do you still feel a little quivering in there? No, I do not. No, you do not. What are the disgusting question? You look really good. Thank you. You do. You want to you want to help me with this one? Guy from London needs dating advice about girl with STD. Yeah. Okay. So anyways, so he always thought the online dating things were those online dating websites were just filled with a bunch of psychos because who can't just get laid. But at this point, I think it's normal now. Yeah. It's totally normal now to do online stuff. It's not like, I don't think there's a stigma attached to it anymore. Why do people do it? Well, I think there's an STD attached to it. Let me read the rest of this. So I had avoided it being more than capable of hooking up in real life. But my problem is that for about two years now, that's all I've been doing. Hooking up dating, meeting girls who never do that thing to me. Oh, nobody that he falls in love with. I feel like a husk. A 31 year old. I don't know what that means. This guy's from London. I guess that means like the old guy at the bar. 31 year old and I'm dead inside. Oh, I see he's dead inside because no girl can make me feel how I used to in the school playground with the first crushes. The thing that makes you want to make pancakes in the morning for a walk through the park or put on some Lionel fucking Richie. All they want to do is come home lately. All they want to do after I come lately is wash her off my dick and bounce her out. Yep. Yep. I've been there, which is no way to live. What? Yeah, I banged a lot of brads before I met you. And that was the thing. You were like, the second you did, you jumped up, you said, hang on a second. Let me get, let me, you act like you were getting something for her. And you went in and she figured it out when she heard the sink was on too long that you had your dick in the sink and you were washing it up. I used to take the hand fucking soap and just fucking act like I was jerking off with soap. And that's why I have the clean cock I have today. All right, plowing your head. The thing that makes you want to, which is no way to live. I'm actually a romantic guy. I cry at Disney movies out Jesus, dude. I don't want to read this shit. I fall. I want to fall in love again. It sounds like lyrics to a Lionel Richie song. It's 2011. People join these sites. So I made a profile. Anyways, this is a fucking long S email. Okay. So anyway, she's on this fucking website. Anyway, after two weeks, I'm probably thinking about shutting down the profile. The only notable exception so far being a divorcee who does yoga. She invites me to a bar. We have a drink. She complains of being tipsy and needing to drive. I asked what she wants to do. She corks up the bottle and takes me back to her place and literally takes a run at me. It was nuts too. Kind of seedy. Like she'd watched some porn after this, after the split with her husband decided that that was the way the world was now and decided to emulate it for real. So I'm banging a mature, granted pretty hot mature woman who's looking at me with this angry look on her face, that porn star fuck face thing that makes me feel uneasy already. While saying things like, "Do you like that? Huh? That dick is nice and warm with my pussy. Huh? Jesus Christ. Are you gonna? Are you gonna blow your nuts right inside this pussy?" Yeah. And she's saying it with the English accent too. That's fucking hilarious. And I'm just feeling a bit sad and signed side as I nod. Anyways, this is the thing. I meet this girl 26 beautiful and I mean beautiful. She looks like a little elf or something. That just made it creepy. An angel smoking and she's smart, funny, kooky but in a good hot way. Probably that danger is gonna break your heart way too but I'm gonna suck for that. Anyway, we go for a walk around the zoo not really giving a shit about the animals because we're too into each other. Like, hey look, an art vark. Oh, you have really pretty hair. It was great. I'm not a bad person after all. My heart is beating again for this girl. I feel happy. Where's the STD thing here? All right. So we leave the zoo, go to the bar for a kiss. It's amazing. Electricity. Then she goes, "I've got to tell you something." Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Here we go. You got to admit at that point you were worried that she had a dick, right? There's something I have to tell you. I have three nipples and I'm married to seven different men in Iraq which is the sentence you don't want to hear in a first date blah blah blah. So she anyways, oh no, I just looked ahead. Oh Jesus, brace yourself. I look at her and I say go on and she goes on to tell me that a few months ago she was seeing some guy who went down on her and it turns out she had a cold, he had a cold sore on his mouth and now she has herpes. Ugh. So she's got an incurable STD that can be passed on at any point. What do I do about that? Obviously, I get the hell out. I should be running as far from her pussy as I can, right? But I like her. I haven't liked anyone like this for a long time but I also never had a disease. I look at my shit in that way. So I'm in a dilemma. I like her but she's damaged. She's a bit of a skank in the past possibly but she did the right thing and laid that on the table for me. What should I do? I'm clouded right now. How much I'm attracted to her. I need you help Bill. Yeah, you get the fuck out. Get out. Get out. Yeah, you'll meet another girl too. You don't need to do that. Listen, she fucked up. You didn't fuck up. No, no, no. I'm saying my shit. She didn't fuck up. Someone gave her an STD. You don't know how she got the STD. That's just a story she told. Well, either way, like that should happen. It's not like A, it's on a death sentence and B, you shouldn't judge people because they have an STD. Let me ask you. Let me ask you questions. She takes all her meds. She is on top of it and makes sure that, you know, she doesn't have any breakouts. And if she does, she does what she needs to do and they use protection the entire time. And he goes to his doctor and consults about, listen, my girlfriend has this. I don't want to catch it. What can we do? Or he finds someone with a clean pussy that makes his heart go pitter patter. I don't I don't think it's right to be like, no, stay away from her because she has herpes because it's like people have STDs. It's not. Listen, if you want to find the right person in life, you got to be selfish. Okay. And I don't know anybody who has on the list when they think of this soulmate. Nobody has herpes. No, of course not. In an ideal world, you're both clean. Yeah, in an ideal world, you don't have sores on your genitalia. I know, but sometimes that shit happens. And like, no, no, this is what they need to do. They need to have a a herpes social network. And people can just meet each other on the herpes social network. And they can just pass it back and forth to each other. They don't have to worry about it. Yeah, and then they can they can go havesies on their herpes meds. And it's all good. No, no haves. Then it's all good. I don't think havesies. I'm preaching STD segregation. I'm reaching separate but equal social website. I think it should be tolerance. And I think he should talk to her about it. She probably knows everything that she needs to do in terms of medication. I think you're full of shit. I think if the guy had sores on his dick, you'd be like, you'd be like, girl, and you start rolling your head, like you were on a talk show, you need to get out that shit. No, I wouldn't. If you really like the guy or girl, then you should just talk about it. You know, what do they say like in Manhattan, like one in three people has an STD. Now, please don't quote me on that. I could be wrong. But something insane where like STDs are like through the roof. So obviously you should do everything in your power to protect yourself. But again, he's also just dating this girl. He doesn't have to sleep with her right away. Then there's no fucking point. There's no fucking point as a guy. Let me finish. There's no point in being with the woman unless you're going to bang. There's no fucking point. Well, I understand that, but they could have like an open conversation about they could go to the doctor together. They can like they can have a mature open line of communication about it. Look, I'm not sure if you actually if you feel like this girl is the one, then I mean, that's pretty powerful. The fact that she has herpes and you're still being like, you know, but I'm very easy, easy, easy, easy. And he's been careful. He's been careful. He kept his breastplate on. He fucking had his. He has condom on. Can catch an STD, especially through oral sex, because how many people are using condoms when they go down on a guy and how many people are using dental dams? Nobody. Can I, can I, can I, can I give some one night? It happens. So if you're going to be doing that kind of stuff, yes, one needs to be aware that that could happen. All right, I'm going to give some one night stand advice from a dirty filthy old man. All right, one night stand in seven years. So what, so what, I all about it. You don't have it anymore. You're done, baby. I got you. It's over. All right, wait a minute. This is what you do. One of the first things you want to do is you want a real man. So so you get out, you get out your George Michael cassette tape. No, this is the thing. Okay, certain things don't change. Certain things don't change. Okay. One night stand, you never, ever, ever repeat, ever go down on somebody. You don't do anything. Okay. I don't even kiss them. One night stand, you go in, you talk shit, you pull the fucking hair, you bend them over, and you put on a condom and you bang them. That's what it is. What am I trying to fucking be a gentleman? We're here to fuck. We are fucking, you do it just the way prostitutes do it. That's what prostitutes, you know, that there's no fucking kissing anything that you want to bang. You put a condom on and you just do the act. You don't fucking, you don't try to sit there and impress them. What do you mean? You put on garden, gardener gloves, your finger pop them a little bit. And this isn't helping this guy. Don't ever, don't ever, I'm trying to help other guys. Don't ever go down on a woman. You don't know, ever. You shouldn't do it ever and you should wait until you guys are in a serious relationship and then have her get tested and make sure that, that, that, that, let me finish that you're not going down on a goddamn sewer. Yeah, the same, same thing with the same thing with women. Guys, what guys stick their dicks, half of them joined frats, they had a fucking ox at some point or some sort of farm animal. You never, oral sex is for someone you, you're in love with. I didn't give a shit if you fucking into it. You just, you don't do it, okay? So you can avoid something like this. So this is what I would say. Listen, if you think this girl's the one, then but I was just trying to be funny that by all means, I guess, you know, do it, but you're also early early. You said it. You already said it. I don't need to say it again. People heard it. There's a rewind button. I'm, I'm an, I'm an hour. Well, go grab a, grab a mic. They're right there in the closet. Yeah, why don't when you walk in here, just come in with a mic and be prepared for the gig. Yeah, don't ever go down on somebody in a one night stand. I really need to make that into a bumper sticker. Last question. If you really likes, I said it, if you really like, sir, then definitely pursue it. But you know, also, do you want to deal with this shit? You also got to understand that you fall in and out of love with somebody in a relationship. And when you're falling out of love with them, when you're really getting mad, you're going to be thinking herpes shit. You fucking cold sore fucking motherfucker. You give me think crazy shit. Exactly. Just don't, I mean, if you're going to pursue her or whatever, don't be using that as in your back pocket to throw in her face. Because like I said, anyone can get an STD at any time. It doesn't mean you're a slut or you're a dirty guy that does a bunch of stuff irresponsibly. Sometimes shit happens. It's life. And other times you're you're other times medicaids, other times you're a filthy fucking whore, a man whore or a female whore. And what you do is you got to listen to you. When you got an STD, you're fucking damaged goods. So you got to come up with a fucking story. I, I, this girl one time told me she had herpes. She told me she had it on her knee. She said she was in a hot tub. She told me, she told me she was in a hot tub. Someone in there had it. She scraped her knee and she just got it on her knee. And as long as she didn't in this quadrants of nerves and as long she didn't stress it, wouldn't fucking move. And gradually she starts telling me more of the story and it magically moved up to her fucking Vijayjay. Yeah, she had fucking general herpes and she didn't fucking tell me. Fortunately, I wore a goddamn condom. And the second she told me the knee story, I was like, shoving off the buffalo, shoving off the buffalo. You know, everybody, if you're out there, that, you know, you, you run into shit. Okay, but that's why you, you always wear a fucking condom. Always, always. And yes, and guy, there's a lot of guys out there who can't fucking maintain a fucking erection because they're so used to raw dog and that if you put that on, it feels like they're wearing a winter coat. All right. This is what you got to do. Don't jerk off for a few days and then try it because then you just be psyched. Anything is even remotely touching you down there or rub one out with a condom. Just get used to it. It sucks, but I'm telling you this, it's got to be nothing worse than fucking waking up and having that shit. You know, of course, it's terrible. And you, and she probably feels really bad and embarrassed about it. So it's like, I don't know. And she could also be lying how she got it. She could be like him. She could have been a fucking whore going out banging everything. And that's how she got it. Yeah, and you're, and you're right. And people need to take responsibility. If you get herpes, you need to take like 50% of it. You're 100% right. But I'm just saying, I would just feel bad if someone was like, Oh, I have herpes and nobody, you know, wants to be with me even though I'm trying. I know you're right. I'm trying. I'm trying to be funny. I'm all trying to be funny. I'm almost trying to give this guy some good advice. So good advice, you know, you don't have to settle in life. But if you feel like this person's the one, then definitely pursue it. But don't be fucking just sitting there. You know, the worst way to go into a relationship is if you feel bad for somebody. I feel bad. I want to help them. It's fucking pathetic. You don't want to do that shit. You want someone who's your equal? Or if not, bet ain't fucking, I was telling this kid he wanted to go to a prom. I go fucking, definitely go to your prom and ask some girl that you think's out of your league. That's how you improve your life. You shoot hard. How the fuck did I end up with you? Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely out of here. Oh, I had low self-esteem that night and I was just like, ah, fuck it. Oh, no, I'm just joking. We are an hour and 23 minutes into this podcast. I have even talked about the YouTube videos. I got to quote, these are the best fucking YouTube videos that we've had in a while. Fat kid reviews thin mints. Fucking hilarious. Guy throws bike to stop thieves. These guys, these guys are stealing like a Vespa and this, this fucking Asian dude just takes his bicycle and throws it at him. It's fucking, it's Chuck Norris to the 10th power. And then for those guys who love to watch a baseball manager yell at an umpire, we have two Wally Backman videos of him just absolutely losing his shit. One of them, what's hilarious, like this guy hits a foul ball on the other team and they call it a home run and this guy, he just comes out. He's already cursing. What, what, what the fuck was that? That wasn't even close. It wasn't even close. And the umpire just goes, what are you talking about? And he just snapped. What the fuck do you mean? What am I talking about? It's awesome. And then the last one is a comedian who's drunk off his ass just talking shit. Ryan Mervis, check that one out. We're going to put a couple of these videos up on my Facebook page. If you want, the rest will be on the, the mm podcast.com. If you watch it on my Facebook page, please click the share button so other people see it and they get exposed to my comedy. I'd appreciate that. We have a new donation button to the podcast. If you guys would like to donate any sort of funds to the podcast, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it because I have a web guy now who I have to pay. I have overhead now. It would be nice. You guys could kick it some money there. I could give him a nice little fucking salary. Everything could get a little nicer here. Yadda yadda yadda. I'm also on Twitter. What is my Twitter name? @billburr. @billburr is my Twitter name. I wasn't sure. That's my handle. I wasn't sure if that was @billburr or @billburr.com. But my Twitter name is @billburr. And that's it. Go Bruins. They're going to kick the fucking habs ass tonight. I'm not being the tip. You know what? I didn't even read. I bet Dan Shaughnessy, that fucking god of misery. I bet now he's writing about hockey. That's the only story. He doesn't know shit about hockey. I bet if you didn't, if you didn't give him Lucheach, Chara or, or fucking Bobby or I don't think he could name Five Bruins. I don't, total. Raybork, Camnily, you take all of them out. That's it. That's a podcast for this week, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you guys had a good time. If anybody has an STD out there, I hope that wasn't too fucking harsh. I'm not blaming you. I'm not being a dick, okay? Yeah, be honest about it. Don't be a cunt. Because that's how you got it. Because someone else wasn't fucking, yeah, that's right. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. That's a podcast for this week. Everybody go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.