Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-11
Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles sports, ghetto sheratons, Upper Darby Philly, and choking women.
I'm going to tell you why right now because I tried to do the podcast last night. I just can't do it on the days I travel. You know, flew across this country once again from Philly all the way out here. And I'm like, all right, I took an early flight, 7.30 in the morning. I land 10.30 L.A. time. Somehow I'll take a little old man nap in the afternoon. You know the old man take a nap, you know what I mean? Will you lie in the fetal position with your hands in the prayer, prayer pose between your fucking milk white thighs if you meet, sitting there in your BBDs in a t-shirt and black dress socks on, faced in towards the cushion? That's an old man nap. And then somewhere through it, you roll over on your back, start breathing out your fucking mouth in and I'll just, you know, that's what old people doing, they old guys do it right in the fucking living room so no one can watch TV just dominating the house. You know old man balls just hanging out the side of your tidy whiteies? That was the plan. That's what I was going to do. Then you always end up getting cold too. I never understood that. If I lie on the couch awake and I'm not moving, I never get cold. But the second you fall asleep, you get a, you get a, you don't, you don't, chilly. Why? Didn't you get chilly when you're sleeping? Um, Jesus, I hate myself this week, I'm not even gonna, I'm not even gonna fucking get into this shit. How fucking unfunny I was last night on the podcast. I try to record this thing for like 20 goddamn minutes. To the point, I have to put up one of the outtakes at the end of this. I've never done that. I want to put up an outtake of me just quitting on a story. Um, I'll put that up at the end. But before, before I get into the rest of the podcast, ladies and gentlemen, um, I got a couple of things I have to hype, um, like tonight, for all you people in Los Angeles, I'm going to be doing a benefit for, uh, all the victims of the earthquake slash tsunami, um, over there in Japan. I'm going to be doing it at the Catalina Jazz Club, um, tonight, um, it's at 6725 sunset boulevard, just east of Highland. All right, I'm going to have the link and everything up on the mmpodcast.com, the show starts at eight PM, uh, it's called cabaret cares, songs for Japan. So it's actually comedy and, uh, and some music. So there'll be some Broadway stars down there, um, Daisy Egan's, the one who actually put it together. For those of you who are into Broadway, uh, she won a Tony award when she was 11. All right, sang at Carnegie Hall and killed it at 11. All right, but we got, got the fucking award from, uh, who's that, that chick there that I said that women should still be dressed in like, uh, breakfast at Tiffany's. What the hell's her name there? Uh, the one who looks like a little fucking, uh, not a rat, not a hamster. That's a cute little fucking big brown-eyed rodent. That's what she looks like to me. She looks like, oh God, I wish I could have gone on a date with her and said that to her. You know, right as she's starting to like me and then just look across her and trying to say some peppy lapu, like romantic shit, you know, come here, my little brown-eyed rodent. Uh, fuck, you ever notice how fucking racist that is? Peppy lapu. I never know. Did I talk about that on the podcast? Well, I don't care if I did. Got a wing an hour every week. You're not going to fucking repeat yourself sitting in your goddamn cubicle. How many times you told that fucking joke, huh, two guys welcome to a bar, you know, just waiting for a new employee so you can hit him with your same old fucking stories. How dare you? How dare you question me? You motherfucker and your goddamn cubicle, huh, what are you doing? Ah, you hating yourself right now because you ate the whole cinnabon, because you lied to yourself. I'm going to cut it in half and I'm not going to do it. What happened? You cut it in half and you saw that sugary goodness, huh? Just fucking coming down and then the fucking baker jizz that's on top, just dripping down this side and what do you, you went down on it. You went down on it like some whore just got off a bus in a strange city. That's what you did. Now you had your sugar rush. You're like, yeah, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to make it through the whole day. Cinnabon, the poor man's 12 hour energy. Hey, can somebody please explain that commercial to me when those guys take that five hour energy, whatever the fuck it is, they take it and the guy goes, yeah, all right, I'm ready and then he sits down, puts his feet up on the table and reads the newspaper. I thought it's supposed to make you go work. What's the deal, oh God, am I going to suck on this one too? You know what, fuck you guys, every once in a while, I have a bad set, I think I'm going to bomb this week. So anyways, getting back to what I was talking about. So I had planned on taking a nap, an old man fucking nap, by the way, stripped it right down in my underwear, and sleeping on the couch like a fucking, the old man that I am, but the masters, the masters was on and I had to watch it because Rory McIntyre from Ireland looked like he was going to win the damn thing, you know, plus I'm always rooting for Tiger, you know, because I have issues with women. I have such issues with women that I actually think that at their women meetings where they trash guys, they actually have like a little counter on how many tournaments it's been since Tiger actually won, and they're trying to sit there, you know, as they fucking braid their hairy muffs, just sitting there, they braid their hairy muffs, right, and they're just sitting there going, you know why he hasn't won, because every good man, he's a strong woman. I know they're saying that shit, so I'm fucking rooting for Tiger, even though I had a bet with Keith Robinson, every year we bet the masters, and every year he picks Tiger and then I pick a white guy, you know, it's sort of fun with racism, and I send him Texas like white power, and this is a white man's game, and you're not taking over this one, we'll give you a football, we'll give you a basketball, you know, black people actually took over baseball there for a minute, then they just stopped giving a shit, you know, it's too boring, I don't know what it was. I like that when they do those things on sports shows. We have to get more African Americans out of the day of a baseball. They don't like it, you know, what the fuck, why are you going to force a fucking sport that, well, you know what it is, it's because baseball sucks since they left, I actually know the Latinos saved it. What am I, a Def Jam comic, what's with all the race shit this week, Bill? You ever see a white person playing baseball, shit, my fuck, got his jersey all snug up on his nuts and shit, did you guys see, what's his face, Manny Ramirez tested positive again? Ah, it sucks, then he just, steady fucking skiddaddled. Yeah, I'm retired, I'm going to go to spade with my dad. I didn't like how palpable Bond was giving him shit, I thought that was a country move. I get it, you obviously didn't like the guy when he fucking played on your team, but you don't have to be a cunt and throw the guy under the bus, saying all the shit that these guys are already going to say, it's kind of like this, this asshole here in the, uh, one of the, one of those guys in the New York Post, you know, those guys, uh, are you, are you one of those guys on around the horn? That show that just makes absolutely no sense, I don't understand that show, I don't understand how the points work, I don't understand why that guy who sounds like somebody imitating somebody stupid, you know, hosts the show is, is always clicking, why he's in charge of the scoring, I, I don't understand it. I don't, I don't get it. It's always like four guys talking at once and, uh, I like Wally, is that his name? I don't get, I don't get that fucking show, I think this guy's one of those guys on that show, so anyways, if you, if you watch the, uh, the Masters, which I've watched for the last three years, I went to it last year, two years ago, I watched Kenny Perry, I'm watching this guy, just, you know, it looks like a regular guy, I'm like, oh great, he's going to win the Masters, and then I watched just the fucking wheels come off, the entire last day, and the guy completely chokes, and I got to tell you something, golf is the worst game to choke in. You know, if you're a goaltender in the NHL, and you let up a bad goal, I mean, how long does that take? You know, what, fucking a split second? You let up another bad one, people boo, yeah, I mean what, you have a bad period, they take you out of fucking game. It's maybe a half hour of your life, and that's a long fucking time. You miss the big shot, call a fucking timeout, like Chris Weber or whatever, right? It's fucking over, it's done, you walk off the court, that's it, I guess he gets shit for it still. Bill Buckner ball rolls through his fucking legs and the, and the Mets win it, all right, how long did that take? Dude, you choke in golf, I guess I'm talking about the game itself, I'm not talking about the amount of shit that you get afterwards, because that's usually lifelong, because I heard that Bill Buckner had to move to like Idaho with some shit. What I'm saying is going through the agony of the choke is anywhere from a split second up to about, I don't know, 20, 25 minutes, but in golf, it's hours, hours and hours. It's like three hours watching this kid just all over the fucking course, and you know what, he's 21 years old, I thought he handled it tremendously, he handled it tremendously. One point he kind of laughed and shook his head that one hole when he was standing in between a couple of houses, I've never seen houses on a golf course before in my life, that's how bad his shot was, it ricocheted off a tree. His ball landed in like a kiddie pool. I'm telling you folks, it was off the golf course, Jesus, I suck this week. So this douche fucking writes, his shirt was stained in the front, everybody's shirt was stained, you're playing fucking golf in the sun, fucking fat fuck, you've got damn sure it was probably stained when you typed this, listen to what this guy said, it was stained in the front, untucked in the back, a little boy lost, Rory McElroy trudged up the final holes at Augusta National on Sunday afternoon as if looking for somewhere to cry. His swagger had shriveled up into a stoop, his boyish smile became nod lips, and I want to ask some, anybody else watch it to anybody see at any point where he was going to cry, I thought he held his composure, granted, he played fucking horrific, he definitely maybe started to panic or whatever, I'm not a golfer, I don't know what the fuck happens, but he didn't look like he was going to cry, I hate these fucking sports race, you know what I mean? He would have a word count, so he got to throw in another agitives in there, he's 21 fucking years old, and then what happens is when something like this happens in sports, then these fat fuck sport writers who sucked in gym class, you know they did, you know, they were the kids who got like the bloody nose and playing dodge ball, then they just start turning up the fucking pressure, you know, that's what sucks about choking those because now everyone's going to be sitting there going like, you know, you had that collapse at the master's, that he had time to reflect, but even at the end I thought he'd said it well, he said, what's going on, what are you thinking about right now? And he just said, listen, it's too early, it's too early to reflect, I want to just happen, talk to me in a couple days, I thought it was really fucking mature, whatever, so I support the guy, I hope he fucking wins his goddamn thing again, but fuck, I lost 50 bucks, because Tiger ended up having a higher score than Rory, I just picked the top white guy, I started watching the second day, so then I bet with Keith, and now I owe that son of a bitch 50 bucks, you know what kills me, is he's just going to blow it on another itchy sweater, alright, let's get into the podcast here for this week, what the hell am I here, but I have to think, oh, another thing I have to hype, another thing I have to hype this week is people have been asking me, I have a date at the punch line in San Francisco on Monday, May 9th, and people are asking me when the tickets go on sale, they go on sale this Friday, April 15th, alright, that's the deal, go to the punch line in San Francisco website, which of course I don't have that fucking information, but you can Google it, right, anyway, let's talk about my weekend, I had two awesome shows, had two awesome shows, I did one at the record theater in Towson, Maryland, and then the next one I did was at the tower, the tower theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, legendary venue, I might add, okay, and you know, I'm all about the history, David Bowie recorded a live album there, first time Bruce Springsteen got a check for five grand, was standing on, right after we stood on that stage and performed, average white band record their live album, the fuck is it called, cut the cake, pick up the pieces, I can see you pussy lips, whatever the fuck it's called, dad, I was all recorded there, so I got to go down there and become part of that fucking history, and it was awesome, man, I want to thank everybody who showed up, both to the Maryland gig and to the one out in Philly, Maryland gig was amazing and then Philly just completely took it to a whole nother level, it was just an awesome, awesome crowd, and she had some lady, some lady came up to me at the end of the show, and I had run out of DVDs, I didn't bring enough, and she was all bummed out, she goes, you know, my son was supposed to come tonight, but he's on house arrest, so I got honest, that's too bad, I ran out of DVDs, she's like, that's all he wanted, he just wanted to meet you and get a DVD, so now my liberal side, I'm starting to feel bad, and I go, all right, well, you know, maybe send me an email, maybe I can send one out to him or whatever, right, and she goes, oh my god, I would really appreciate that, and I went, wait a minute, wait a minute, what did he do, you know, I don't want to send it out to some fucking pedophile, some attempted racist, some guy who's stealing music online, I'm fucking with you, so I guess it turned out some 18 year old kid punched his 11 year old brother, so her son, fuckhead that he is, no kid, her son, 18 years old, went over and beat the shit out of the 18 year old because he beat up his fucking 11 year old brother, and because we live in such a pussy time, because that other kid basically got his ass kicked for doing what he did, this kid ends up on house arrest, and you, can you believe that? Kind of a fucking country, do we live in? We're the 18 year old older brother of an 11 year old who got beat up by an 18 year old, can't then go over and kick the shit out of that 18 year old without sitting in his own fucking house missing a comedy show, you know, so now I have to mail him a fucking DVD, that's another goddamn branch off a tree in the rainforest, and what did that fucking kid learn, the other kid, what did he learn? That is, because he's probably gonna have a lawsuit, right, that is profitable, his way of earning income is to walk around and beat up 11 year olds who have older brothers, oh I tell you the hypocrisy, so anyways, I was sitting out there and I did this gig out there in Upper Darby, Philadelphia, doesn't that sound nice, Upper Darby, Upper Class, Upper, we're up on a hill, we're looking down on the poor people, that's not what Philly is like in Upper Darby, it was one of the most horrific neighborhoods I've ever driven through, I've never been like, you know, I don't mind driving through the projects during the day, because the people I see at them like, all right, these are just fucking hardworking people coming home from their jobs, it's when the sun goes down, you know, basically anyway you're at, when the sun goes down, that's when the fucking assholes come out, both in the inner city and out in the suburbs, you know, there's no serial killer walking around the suburbs out in the broad daylight, he comes out at night, this is one of the few neighborhoods during the fucking day, you, I can't even explain, like, I don't know, go Google some pictures, Upper Darby and Philly, it's unbelievable that Americans have to fucking live this way, I actually, my opening joke was after driving through that neighborhood, I was like, what the fuck is New Orleans bitching about, you know what it looked like, these fucking houses, they look like, you know, the end of all in the family, when they're going down that horrific street of houses and queens, that's what it looked like, it looked like, except they were all rusted out and swear to God, I thought they had like 10 roofs or something, so anyway, it's long story short, I have a 730 AM flight the next fucking day, oh by the way, the reason why I got lost going over there is because I was using my smartphone and I'm using the little map thing and I swear to God that fucking thing, I'm going back to maps, the Rand McNally, you know what I liked about the Rand McNally at no point when I was looking at it, did it shut off, did it go black, the screen went black and then I had to scroll my thumb down it while I'm still trying to continue to drive, the whole fucking thing was horrific, I'm just, I'm completely, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we have enough technology, what do you guys think, am I crazy, like that 3D TV, let me ask you guys, are you really, are you guys really going to go out and buy those fucking things and then there's going to be the tipping point where more people have them than don't have them, so then eventually I'm not going to be able to see shit on my regular fucking TV, it's 3D TV is it, is it not fucking clear enough with the HD TV, is it not clear enough that I can see the fucking cartilage inside the nose of the fucking newscaster, I mean, they kept saying that when I was watching the masters of hilarious they go, the masters of them 3D, like I really need to be sitting there bending back, like I'm watching the matrix as the golf ball goes flying over my fucking head, you know, your living room, outside, life is in 3D, go for a fucking walk, it's a total scam, think about, let me just want to tell you guys this, all right, just think about this shit, think about all this shit on 3D, all right, do you want to watch this, do you need to watch two and a half men in 3D, like wow, I feel like I'm sitting on the couch with them, do you need to watch the news in 3D, I'm going to tell you right now, sports in 3D is going to suck, it's going to suck, I'm going to tell you right now, it's going to, I already think with the HD TV, it's all, it's getting to the point where it's so clear, it's like HD is like clearer than real life, I don't know, it's like, it's like a fucking acid trip, I remember one time I was watching this baseball game with this other comedian and we were sitting there watching the game when HD TV first came out, we weren't even watching the game, he was pointing at somebody and like the third row, going look at that guy's shirt, look how fucking orange his shirt is, and it was, it was literally an orange that did not exist in real life, so what happened, everybody bought those fucking 3D, but the flat screen TVs, you know, now old people with their little square TV from the greatest generation, they got to go out and buy a flat screen TV, they're breaking their fucking hip as they try to put it up on top of their old fashioned radio, where they used to listen to FD in his fireside chats, right, they finally get the fucking thing up there, the bankers took their entire retirement, and now you're constantly going to go out and buy 3D TVs, it's going to fall down on their fucking old heads and that's going to be it, please people, please don't buy those 3D TVs, it's a fucking scam, what's going to happen with your old flat screen TV, what are you going to do with that, just going to throw it out, it's going to end up in the ocean, I'm talking about this weekend, were you going to be able to walk to Europe on old flat screen fucking TVs, you don't need it, is what I'm trying to tell you, I can't remember the last time I fucking prayed that a technology was going to bomb the way I have with those 3D fucking TVs, all right, and I don't want to hear any of you fucking consenting me emails, talking about the Discovery Channel and how the fucking do from the goddamn rainforest frog is going to drip off right into your fucking lap, and if you smoke some weed man, how cool that's going to be, and then all the frat boys who go, what about porno, what about porno and 3D, what about fucking a real girl, what about that, you know, all right, I'm going to give you porno, I will give you porno, because you know what's going to be great, I can't wait for that fucking sex suit to come up, you know they're working on that like a full body sex suit, there's actually scientists working on that, having mature conversations, you know, like not snickering at all, talking about these these fucking, as they develop in like these sex suits, and basically what it's going to be, do you remember that that little onesie that Arthur Fonzarelli used to wear when he'd be in his garage, working on some fucking 1940s, rusted out hunk of shit, remember that, the thing that he would wear, it's kind of dirty version of like those jumpsuits that the caddies wear, at the masters, you know, of course Brittany would wear one roll it up and have her titties hanging out of it, and talk, you know, saying like oops did I just touch your dick again, whatever the fuck she used to sing about, right, hey do you know in Rolling Stone they had the top 100 artists of all time, and Madonna was like 50 something, and I was going to get upset, but I was just like you know what, how many pop stars can last fucking 30 years, but then I thought there was justice because they had like other famous artists writing like you know, like Questlove would write the one for Prince, you too would write the one for like you know fucking Rolling Stones or whatever, but I thought it was really fitting that Britney Spears wrote the one for Madonna, although it should have been Lady Gaga, she's doing her fucking songs, right, like fucking word for word, she's doing a mashup without what without Madonna's lyrics over the top, is that what the fuck she's doing anyway, let me get back to what the fuck I was talking about here, which I can't even remember, the fuck is wrong with my brain this week, what the fuck was I just talking about, oh Jesus Christ, you know, so you know what, I'm fucking Rory, whatever the fuck his name is right, McElroy right now, okay, I had this whole fucking thing one, it's the final days of the masters, and I'm just limping my way through 18 holes of this fucking podcast, this podcast right now is in between those two little bungalows, just like Rory was on the fucking 13th of the 15th fucking hole, whatever the hell it was, what happened to old fat tits Phil Mickelson, I wanted him to win another one, I'll tell you, it killed me that I wasn't there at the masters, if you ever get a fucking chance you got to go, I went last year, I've been to a Super Bowl and it's never really bugged me that I didn't go to another one, it bugged me for the first couple years, but once the game was over and I still had two grand in my pocket and I didn't have to go to an airport and stand in line and do that horseshit again and fly home and it's never bugged me, but this one seriously bugged me that I wasn't there, you got to go, once in your life, you got to go down to Augusta, but I got to tell you, it's one of the shittiest fucking, it's not even in a shitty neighborhood, it's just like, you know, when they show that, when you drive up and you look at the Georgia Pines, whatever the fuck they are, when you drive up to the clubhouse, first of all, as a spectator, you're not allowed to drive up there and you never see it, you're not allowed to walk around that side of it, that's just for the players and the members, but right outside of that, like a half a mile away is like a fucking waffle house, a Denny's, a JC Penney's, just like, just that shit, McDonald's Ace Hardware store, the way they shoot that thing is, they shoot the masters the same way they shoot like Elvis's house, like when you look at Elvis's house, it looks like it's just, like it's in Savannah, Georgia or something, and then you go to Elvis's house and I swear, there's like an I-hop, like right next door, and I was like, yeah, that makes sense, that's why he was so fat, he could just walk down his driveway, I'm gonna go get some pigs and blanket, man, and he just go over there, you know, was Elvis the first fat cokehead, you know, they talk about that, like most people do coke, they're not a, they fucking lose weight or some shit, you know, I don't know, you know something, he got fat too before we really had all the preservatives in there, he was just fat on some, what the fuck was he eating, peanut butter and fucking banana fried sandwiches on his fucking jet, splitting his jumpsuits, oh another jumpsuit, bringing it back around again, that's exactly what those, those caddies got those jumpsuits, they, all in the missing is the cake, and they could come down on one knee, that's what they should do, come down on one knee, holding out the cape, is somebody fucking putts for the masters, that would add some excitement, wouldn't it, all right, let's get back to Philly, so anyway, so I got a 7.30am flight, all right, so I'm thinking, all right, that means I got to get up at fucking 5.30, return the rent a car and all that horseshit, why don't I stay at a hotel right next to the airport? So my travel agent gives me the whole list of options of where I can stay, so I'm like, yeah fine, fuck it, all right, I'd check them out, and one of them is the Sheridan, Sheridan, respected name, a very quality hotel, I say I'm going to stay there, and the price reflected that it was a quality hotel, it cost me like, oh you know, 180 bucks or something like that, it was a lot of fucking money, so 199, something like that, you know, for Philly that's a lot of fucking money, considering I was right outside Upper Derby, so anyways, here's my travel tip for you, do not ever stay at the fucking Sheridan, at the Philadelphia International Airport, it is a beyond ghetto Sheridan, and it's so fucking ghetto that I knew it was a fucked up Sheridan before I even went into it, I pulled up and it looked fine, I got out of my car, it looked fine, and as I walked into the place, as I was walking in, these four chicks were coming out, and they just look like horrors from a reality show, awful tattoos on their feet, titties up and push together, these cheap-ass looking stripper shoes, and I went out, no, oh no, not a bad hotel, please God, please, I started praying to the travel gods, please, please don't let this be a bad hotel, you know, I'm like, what, you know, at first I was like, all right, what are these like call girls, did they just get done servicing some fucking married business guy on the road, is that what they did, but it was like 12 noon, it's like, no, no, no call girls are up at 12 noon, all right, they already wiped fucking washed off, the vaginas hosed them down at like eight in the morning, and now they just fell asleep face down in a fucking pile of glitter, and they're not going to wake up again till like five in the afternoon, that's how it works, and they wake up, they fucking, you know, I don't know what they do, you know, they put some fucking vitamin E on the on the ligature marks around their neck from the night before, you know, you know, it's fucked up about ligature, nobody ever uses that statement unless somebody got choked to death, you know, ligature, no one does never any ligature marks, because you know why, because these girls who are into that type of shit, if they survive the encounter, they fucking they wear that little, that little ascot the next day around their neck, you know, the hoary one, a choker, that's what they wear to cover it up, you ever have a girl want you to do that, want you to choke her, I mean, one time I was with this girl, right, and she, she all this type of shit, she wanted me to slap her in the face and all this, all this crazy shit that, that all these fucking women shows, they never address, they never address the amount of fucking women that like that, they like it rough, it's fucking insane, unless I just keep picking the same kinds of fucking women, but it's ridiculous, the amount of fucking bras that I've gone out with, you know, fucking women's lip, fucking blah, blah, blah, my career comes first, if we get married, I'm not taking your last name, yada, yada, fucking yada, right, then you get them and, you know, the fucking all pro women, this pro women that, and I'm making my own money, and fucking, you know, in a couple other fucking lyrics from some stupid Beyonce song, right, all that fucking horse shit, you're gonna respect me, eyeball to eyeball, the image is a woman on TV, all that fucking horse shit, and then you get them back to your place and lo and behold, they have a rape fantasy, you know, am I the only guy, am I the only fucking guy, so anyway, so I was seeing this fucking broad, right, and she's going to fucking college, she's getting her MBA and all that type of shit, so this is the first girl she ever asked me, she told me that she wanted me to choke her, and I was like, no, I'm not doing that, and she's like, why not, and I said, well, because I'm not fucking gonna call the cops, like, how am I gonna talk my way out of that if you fucking pass out, and I got my fingerprints around you, god damn neck, and your naked body, I mean, that just sounds like one of those fucking things from me, even if you come around, I'm gonna have some sort of fucking assault charge, and then you're gonna feel guilty because everybody's gonna know because the cops are there, so then you're just gonna be like, yeah, I didn't want them to do it, so you can somehow skip away with your fucking integrity, I'm not doing it. Of course I did, of course I did eventually, but there's a technique, I can't exactly, you gotta be, you gotta make sure you're up a little higher and underneath, and you gotta do it, and then not be doing it, do it, and then not do it, don't just fucking grab it, like, you don't grab that neck like fucking David Tyree in the helmet catch, you don't wanna, you don't wanna do that, 'cause you gotta, you gotta choke 'em out, you know, unless you're really good at CP, ah, I fucked it, I ended up talking about that shit, that's not really, you know something, I'm gonna talk about that in my act, Jesus, that'll bring the psychos out, I'm gonna talk about that in my act, you just heard a fucking preview of a joke, I really want to bring that up, the amount of fucking women, they got that thing, right, they're all independent and that type of thing, then you get them in the bedroom, it's not like you want them, they want you to kick the shit out of them, but they got that fucking line, they wanna feel the man's power, but still feel like safe, overpower me, but like, do it in like, a nice way, but not nice, but nice, do you know what I mean, I know exactly what you mean, you filthy fucking whore, ah, all right, I have to get off, I gotta get off this subject, this is just gonna get too freaky to be talking about this by myself, ah, this is the choke 'em out podcast everybody, so anyway, so I see these fucking, just these, these, these whores, father didn't stick around, you know, George Foreman, grill eatin', fuckin', just, just never had a chance, four girls just comin' out, just never had a fuckin' chance, and you know, just dressed like fuckin' truck stock fuckin' whores, and the sad thing is, is they think they look good, and they don't even realize the vibe that they're puttin' out, they don't know any better, they don't fuckin' know any better, all right, there was a rusted out car in their front yard, the day they were born, and they never had a fuckin' chance, you know, the only fuckin' male voice that was in their household when they was growin' up was the Billy Bass that the, their fuckin' dad left behind, you know what I mean, just, they just never had a fuckin' chance, so that was my first red flag, and I was goin' out, god, maybe, maybe they used some sky miles, is that how they got in here, and I just walked in, the second I walked in, I just, I just tell them, the caliber of human being that was in there, straight across the board here, all right, the caliber of white person, the caliber of black person, the caliber of fuckin' male, female, you just can tell, you know what I mean, saw some black dude, you know, when they get their hair braided, but they don't have enough money to fuckin' get it braided enough, so they got all those little hairs stickin' out of it, you know, so you can't see the scalp in between the braids, you know, it's not lookin' fuckin' right, it's just not lookin' right, the fuckin' white dude with the cheap Anderson little suit, the fuckin' creased up brown loafers, with this gold-lamay horseshit on the front of it, you know, shoes look like they cost 11 bucks, and I'm just goin' out, oh no, oh god, at least let the fuckin' room be clean, you know, so I check in, the lady behind the counter, she was nice enough, you know, I don't know how she ended up at this fuckin' Sheridan, maybe she stepped out of line at the big stockholders' meeting, this is there, Sheridan, Siberia, so then I go up to my room, and it's weird, it had like one of the, it almost looked like a little house, you come walkin' in, there's a door, and right next to it, there's this big window for some stupid fuckin' reason, if I wanna overlook half the elevators in the fuckin' poor excuse for a pool that they had, so the blinds were down, all right, so I open it up, and it's just sweet, I'm like, nice, it was a nice room, it wasn't bad at all, so I'm in there for like five fuckin' minutes, and I hear this knock on the door, right, guy fuckin' knocks on the door, it was covered in foam, so that's what it sounded like, and I open the door, and there's a guy standing there with this giant coffee table, and he goes, and he's trying to walk in with this giant coffee table, I'm like, whoa, whoa, you got the wrong room, I didn't order a table, he goes, no, no, this table is, your room's missing a table, I'm like, it is, they go, yeah, yeah, the last people who were here broke the other table, I was like, Jesus Christ, what, they have like a party or something, and he went, yeah, I thought he was gonna say no, he went like, yeah, and I go, well, did they fuckin' fumigate the place, now I think everything's been jizzed on, I'm, you know, I'm laying in fuckin' angel dust and cocaine and shit, you know, he keeps gettin' worse, then I'm sitting there for another couple minutes, and then I just hear this lady tellin' this story, right? That is him, it's him, Santa, and this motherfucker, this motherfucker tryna tell me that I motherfucker can't come over here, I said motherfucker, you know motherfucker with a motherfucker baby, and I'm like, is that it, is it at least a guest, is it at least a guest, and I fuckin' open the blinds to my window, and she's one of the people cleaning the rooms, just cursing up a fuckin' storm, loud as fuckin' hell, like all bro people, are the loudest fuckin' people, because they live near the freeways, they live near the subway, they used to shout and over shit, so she's out there, this motherfucker tryna tell me what time it is baby, right, and just screamin', and me, you know how much I curse, okay, I was offended, and you know how much I curse, I was just like Jesus Christ, can you please, I might have kids someday, can you please stop cursing like that, but I didn't say shit, because I, I mean at that point I knew what was gonna happen, I would have been like, I would have been like, excuse me, could you be favorite, could you just not, motherfucker, why don't you mod your business, ain't nobody talkin' to you baby, right, I didn't want to go through that whole fuckin' thing and her screamin' at me, plus she was so fuckin' big, she probably could've just choked slam me, and we would've had to have a new fuckin' table in my room, third fuckin' table that week, and I'm a conservationist, is that the right word, so I'm like alright, fuck it, whatever, so I don't say shit, so then I go out to go do my show, and of course I'm using my stupid smartphone, I get lost, I'm drivin' through Upper Darby, and it's just like, you know, a fuckin' the white guy drivin' through there lookin' down at his phone up, yeah, can't see him, can't see him the same where I am, you know, I didn't everything but roll down the window, excuse me, hustlers, could you just stop hustlin' for a second, I could just wondering if you could direct me in the direction of this theater that I'm performing in tonight, you know, horrific, so uh, I was so fuckin' mad, I really got to get my temper together, I was so fuckin' mad, I could feel myself when my scream, every time I had to go to make a turn, I'm lookin' down at my map and the fuckin' phone would go black, you know, to save the battery, and it was always when I needed to make a decision that I would miss a turn, and I got to the point, I was squeezing my phone, and I knew what I was gonna take it, and I was just gonna smash it down on the uh, whatever you call that, the fuckin' thing that you did, not a gear shifter, I guess it is gear, the thing you put it in gear, it's not a stick shift, you know what the fuck I'm saying, I was just gonna smash the screen on that, and I knew that that, I had my tempering control enough that I knew I couldn't do that shit, so what I did was I just started screaming over and over again, fuck you at my phone, I was yelling fuck you at my, in my car yelling fuck you with a phone, blowing, that's why my voice is all scratchy right now, not because I had, I screamed for two shows, is because I was screaming at my cell phone, so anyways, I finally ended up getting there, I end up doing the show, it's fuckin' phenomenal, and whenever, whenever I, I, I do a show at a place like that, um, you know, there's always some guys been working the theater for like 20, 30 years, and I always walk up to the guy and go, you don't have to say any names, just tell me some stories, and this guy was telling stories about, you know, hanging out with Motley Crue, back during the hair metal days and going out to strip clubs, and he said he was there when guns and roses came through on the appetite for destruction tour, he said afterwards, he was standing in their tour bus and they're looking out their windshield at a sea of groupies, and at one point, one member, I'm not gonna name names, looked out and said what's up with those two, and the guy said, oh, that, that's actually, believe it or not, though those aren't sisters, that's a mother and a daughter, and I guess they were really hot, and the dude was like, oh yeah, bring them on the bus, do it in my next life, I want to be a fucking musician, just to have the opportunity to have that level of groupie, oh, just fuckin' unreal, so anyway, so I, I dropped you up at Darwin, he was just unbelievably depressing, that people have to live that way, fellow Americans have to live that way, and that we're always sitting here, fuckin' acting like we give a shit about other countries and we need to help out, we don't, all right, well, we, I mean, you give a shit, or I give a shit, but our government doesn't, we're wormin' our way in there to help them out, air quotes, so we can take their natural resources, all right, that's how it is, that's what the fuck is really goin' on, if you ever wondered why, all right, they don't give a fuck about Upper Darby, New Orleans, or whatever fuckin', all those blue-collar towns that are failin' out there in Ohio, they don't give a shit about 'em 'cause they already own 'em, so if there's any oil to be had, they can just go in and suck it out of the ground, that make any fuckin' sense, so anyway, so I go back to my ghetto ass fuckin' Sheridan, all right, I come walkin' in there and at this point it's one in the morning, now if it was one in the morning and I was at a nice hotel, that'd be the usual thing, there would be some people hanging down at the bar, you know, drinking, getting ready to cheat on their spouses, dress nicely though, all right, but because it was a ghetto fuckin' Sheridan, I went down there and most of the people in the lobby were children running around, screaming, like one in the morning, kids just running around, I felt like I was in fuckin' Atlantic City, you know, those gamblers, to generate gamblers, they don't fuckin' handle their kids, right, right, so just to see a fuckin' children, I mean, I was waitin' for fuckin', you know, the only thing was missing was somebody there, you know, gathering them, like you could, you could've had a children's choir, that's how many fuckin' kids were there, so I go up the elevator and I get out, get out of the elevator and I walk back up to my little, you know, I told you, the front of the room looked like a house, and there's a door, and then there's the window, and as I'm lookin', I'm at the doors, I'm looking down to take out my hotel key, I look down and on the windowsill is a three-quarter eatin' chicken wing, sitting on the fuckin' windowsill, I got pictures to prove it, they're all gonna be up on the mm pod, mmpodcast.com, whatever the fuck it is, is that the name of the website, I don't know the name of the fuckin' website, the hell's wrong with me, yeah, the mm podcast.com, if you go up there, I'll have all these pictures, the pictures of the tower theater and all that, I didn't take any pictures when I was driving through Upper Darby for obvious fuckin' reasons, I didn't want to be, you know, I just, I would not want to be taking pictures down there because people either think you're a cop or you're just documenting their level of poverty, which would be fuckin' annoying to me if I was in that situation. So anyways, with that, that was my, oh, and then the next morning I woke up and I dropped my car off at budget, it was fuckin' hilarious, one of these hilarious racial moments here, is I go to get on the bus, the bus driver's black, five white guys get on it, he asks us where we're going, I got US Air, this guy says this, blah, blah, blah, blah, so we're driving in that and he's listening to this preacher because it's Sunday morning and the guy, you know, he's talking about, you know, people need to be into Jesus and blah, blah, blah, all this, you know, regular Jesus shit, right? But then all of a sudden he starts talking about Obama and around, he just starts kind of trashin' white people, just goin', we should be givin', thanks to Jesus, that a strong black man is president and is not afraid to stand up to the white supremacist that we run in this country and he's got it cranked and I'm sittin' there, fuckin', and all I did was just 'cause I wanted to have the laugh, I just turned around and looked at all the other four white guys and then everybody's just sort of sitting down looking at their wingtips like, really, what exactly is the call here, or can we say something, you know, excuse me, we're not all white supremacists, you know, like, what exactly is the proper response to that because I thought it was, I don't know, I actually thought it was fuckin' hilarious, I wish I could remember what the guy was sayin'. Ah, Jesus, now I'm fuckin' bombin' again on this fuckin' podcast. All right, let's get through the rest of the, what do I gotta do, do I gotta do some, oh, hey, wait a minute, fuckin' NHL playoffs are coming up everybody, are you excited, are you like me, do you like watching hockey, Bruins, Canadians, once again, we're playin' those fuckin' cons up there with all their championships, do you know the more I read about the history of the NHL, the less impressed with the Montreal Canadiens I am? I mean, I used to kind of give 'em shit 'cause I'm like, dude, you dominated a 16 league and they didn't even dominate the 16 league, it's like them and Toronto, Montreal and Toronto basically had the same amount of cups right through the early 60s. Montreal was ahead, but not by much. And then I found out later that the Canadian teams had, but no, I couldn't give them shit 'cause the Bruins were there too, so it's like, well, why didn't you guys do it? And I found out one of the main fuckin' reasons is the way the league was set up, any French-born Canadian player, the Canadian teams had first dibs on those guys. That's why they got all the fuckin' great guys. So it was like Toronto and Montreal were just like the Yankees and Red Sox fuckin' buying up everything. I don't respect them. I don't respect those championships. What do you think about that Montreal? And then what happened, all of a sudden you didn't have first fuckin' choice, right? And now look, now you don't go on a run anymore. You won it '93, you won it '86, and that's it. And don't even talk to me about the '70s, okay? I don't even fuckin' hear it because that was still the fallout of the old system. And you had to give those expansion six teams a chance to get on their feet. And once they did, that was the end of you guys. So I'm not fuckin' impressed. So fuck you and all your fuckin' cups. Here come the Bruins, and you know what? Keep your fuckin' head up or we're gonna slam you into that turnbuckle, whatever the fuck they call it again. That son of a bitch up there fakin' his fuck. Oh, I gotta concuss the worst concussion ever. Three days later, he's at the movies. He's at the movies. All right, I'm just fuckin' with you. Okay, Bruins Canadian is gonna be an awesome series, and Carrie Price is playing great, so it should be phenomenal. I don't think the Bruins are gonna win the Stanley Cup. I just don't think we have enough guys. And I just think that despite the fact that we have two great gold tenders, I just think that there's a lot of gold tenders playing great. Carrie Price is playing great. Hendrik Lundquist is playing tremendous. Who else? Who else is playing good out there? Oh, you got what's his face up there? But I can't ever remember the fuckin' names. Who plays goalie up there? In Buffalo. Is it Bill Murray? Is that what it is now? We call him Bill Murray. Bill Murray, and then you got fuckin' Roberta Luongo and his cousin, Theo Fleury's third cousin who plays out there in fucking Pittsburgh. I'm the worst. I can, whenever I have to remember a name, I can't remember a fuckin' name. So whatever. I think it's gonna be, I think it's gonna be great. I just don't see it. I think I will be really happy if we can actually make it to the Eastern Conference finals. You know? That's my thing. Just, you know what? Hey, I'm beaten down as a fan. As long as we don't go up three games to none and then lose four in a row again, I'm gonna consider this year a victory. But I do not on any level want to lose to the hated fuckin' habs. And I'm fucking with you a bunch of cups, but not really. Okay, let's get on to advice this week everybody. All right, hey Bill, I always feel like you give great good advice. Well, thank you. So I thought maybe you could give me some in this situation. I was in a local shop a few weeks ago and there was a little hottie working there. I had seen her there once before. Both times she really caught my attention. I had the urge to ask her out while I was there, but I was too busy being a fag. And I did not say anything to her other than some idle nonsense about sunglasses I was looking at. That's the worst. The little bit we did talk though, she seemed really cool and really nice. My advice is how can slash should I ask her out without looking like coming off like a creeper or douchebag. I'm a good looking guy, have a great career as an attorney, but when it comes to ladies, I can be shy sometimes. Seeing is that, you know, that's a very strong thing that you're able to admit that, but every guy just went, "Oh, what's the matter to you, fucking fag? Go up and say something to her." That's how guys handle. We just beat it out of each other. We said what I'm trying to work on. He said, "Everyone's in a while you see a girl that blows you away, and this time I want to do something about it." All right. All right, dude, this is what you got to do. You got to get, you got to work on your self-esteem. You know you're a good looking guy and you have a great career. Believe it or not, that's game set and match. Do you know the amount of fucking not even good looking guys who have a shit job and they're just scumbags, but they're assholes who are out there fucking crushing it every goddamn weekend because you just have the balls to walk up and talk to these women, you know? This is what you got to do. You actually know what you got to do. You said you can be shy sometimes, but you're saying you're working on it. So there you go. Just keep going. Look, dude, if you're a good looking guy and you're a fucking attorney, he actually said something here. I'm hoping to see you with Caroline's in May. If my dickhead friends can get this shit together, if they can't, maybe with your stellar advice, I can even bring this hottie to the show. Why don't you just do that? Go in there, make a laugh, joke around with her or anything and just fucking lay it on the line. Listen, I'm really attracted to you. I think you're beautiful. I ever the fuck you want to say it and just say, you know, I think it's always good if you have somewhere that you're going. Just say I'm going to this comedy show. I love, you know, I'm really into this stand up comedian and I have an extra ticket which you like to go to. Women like going to stuff, you know, gives them excuse to get dressed up. It gives them excuse to not feel fucking guilty when they're blowing you later because they actually went to some sort of ball or some shit, you know? Ah, God, even with advice, I'm off of this week, but the essence of it is there. All right, you already talked to her. Just go in there again. You're not going to come off like a creep. I actually think that it's easier to pick somebody up and get that number, at least back in the day. I have no game left anymore because I've been in a relationship too long, but I always found that it was easier for me to get a girl's phone number on the at the fucking gym. Jim's a little bit harder, but like I used to do it on, I used to get it on the subway. Oddly enough, I had a better chance there than I did in some meat market bar because I was never good when females had their guards up. When they knew what play I was running, some guys can do that. They're like the old Packers like everybody knew the Packers sweep was coming and they forest Greg still fucking ran over you. And some guys are like that. Even when women know they got their their fucking guard up and they know what the fuck they're doing, they can still plow through it. They run over. The guys just run right over those girls like Forest Greg. Next thing you know, they're laying on their backs with their legs up in the air and they get the dick. I was never that guy. I snuck up on you. I waited for something stupid to happen that I could comment on. And then I get the girl laughing and then when her fucking defenses were down, I'd wrestle her cell phone out from her fingers. No, whatever. I'd somehow get a number. So what I would do is I would just go in there and I'll just keep re-explaining this 20 fucking times. Dude, get tickets to my show. Right? Look at me. I'm making a little money out of this advice. So now you got you got somewhere that you're going to take her. Take her out, you know, a little dinner. You can see a comedy show. She's already fucking laughing halfway through my act. You do the old, you're laughing your ass off. Don't try to put your arm around a shoulder. That's old school, right? You put it right on a fucking thigh. You know, and then you sort of start creeping up there with your fingers, you know, like you're sort of thinking about something going pinky ring middle index. You just sort of work your way up like an inchworm. The next thing, you know, if your fingers are nimble enough, you know, you stretch out your pinky and it's kind of rubbing right on a clip there. And then you're getting made fun of me because you guys are fucking walking out during my closing bit to go bang at the fucking W around the corner. Dude, it's right there. It's a layup. It's a fucking layup. All right. Next one. Hey, Bill, huge fan of the podcast and all your stand up and have made all my friends big fans of yours as well. I really enjoy the relationship, advice, blah, blah, blah. All right. People actually are starting to address the fact that I've never been married. Why am I taking your fucking advice? Here's my situation. I'm 29, recently graduated from medical school after a good number of years honing my boning skills in the free market. I'm ready to calm down and have a serious girlfriend. Ironically, the girl that I'm dating and wanting to get serious with was actually my college girlfriend. And first love, we dated throughout college but broke up before attending different medical schools. During our years together, I cheated a lot. But to my knowledge, never got caught. A big part of the reason I was so promissory was besides being your typical piece of shit cocky asshole guy full of testosterone was because she was very sexually inhibited. No blowjobs. The routine conventional positions sex about once every other day and that just wasn't cutting it for me. Now, in every other category, she was amazing, fun to hang out with but still ladylike, caring, respectable, educated, fashionable, and extremely beautiful. So like I said before, we broke up for about five years and are back dating again. And this sex is exactly the same. Now, while I'm grateful that some guy didn't completely smutter out during our breakup, I did expect some sort of sexual maturation. Blowjobs remain few and far between and pretty subpar even for a black chick. This guy's black, by the way, before you think this is something fucked up. What makes it even more difficult this time around is after banging my fair share of broads in our off season, my sexual prowess has grown significantly. It's hard because I really want to be faithful this time around and take the relationship more seriously, but I fear I'm not going to be sexually satisfied. My greatest fear is ending up like one of my father's friends who I always hear complaining about how shitty their sexualities have become after marriage. How I should have had all my fun now and blah, blah, blah, stereotypical castrated, merry man background noise. Fuck that extra sad shit. I'm not getting married unless I know my wife is going to be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. How do you like that old African American mantra? My question is, how serious should I take this problem? Should I be patient and hope that I can liberate her sexually or should I bail and keep searching for a godfaring dinner cooking super freak? If you don't mind asking, oh, if you don't mind asking Nia as well, I'd like to hear what the sister has to say. Oh, shit. I should have read that to her. By the way, I'm also black. So when you get to, is it racist, racist, racist? No, I'm allowed to say sisters. All right. You know what? I really wish I read that part of what I had her in here, but she's not around today. What should you do? All right. Number one, don't cheat on her. What you should do is you should communicate this to her. Obviously, not the way you just said it to me. Well, Jesus, this is this is tough. I'd have to ask you some questions. Let me ask you this. Do you feel she has the potential? That's that's what that would be. My number one thing is, all right, this is how I would do it. All right, fuck this. All right. Now I'm back on track. This is what I would do. First thing I would do is I would see if she has the potential. All right. If she's a good kisser, she has a good touch. If when you're banging her, you don't feel like you're fucking riding in a god in the back of a delivery truck. The rhythm's there. She has, she has the basic tools. All right. Because some people, they just don't. They're not blessed with the touch. They're not good kissers. You know, and a lot of females, not a lot, but you know, enough are. That's another thing they never bring up. They always talk about how guys don't know shit in bed and you just blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's a lot of women out there who they don't know shit either. Not saying that bad or whatever, but in some of them just, I just never gonna be good. So if you feel she has the potential, then then there's hope. So what you have to do is you have to basically what I used to tell my friends, we used to joke around, just say you got to tap into her inner whore. All right. And there's a couple of ways to do it. One of them, and it's very delicate, dude. It's like one of those fucking action movies where you're sitting there trying to clip the right fucking wire as it's, you know, eight seconds left. There's a couple ways you go about it. One of the ways is, well, first of all, there's a couple rules. One, as she's trying to open up with you sexually or whatever, don't ever judge anything that she wants to do or try and don't ever make fun of anything that she said in bed. If she says some dumb shit, which she's probably going to say, because you sound like you're way more experienced. If she's trying to talk dirty for the first fucking time, and she says some dumb shit, do not laugh. Simply turn her around in doggy style, and then you get your laugh out. All right. You got to do the quiet, but don't ever do that. That is like someone is never more vulnerable than in that, especially a female. You can't, you can't do that. And then what I would do is I would just basically figure out what she's into. Try to figure out what some of her fantasies are. All right. So that's how I would start it. Find out what some of her fantasies are, and you start getting her down that road. And then as you're going down that road, and you're not judging her, and you're not making fun of anything, you're just supportive as she goes down that fucking road, then she'll gain confidence, and then hopefully that'll happen. And one of the ways to kind of lead her down the road is try to tell us some of the shit that you're into that you've never done with her. Now don't go all the way down to the road, you know, you're five years of fucking horrific shit you did. Just always be a couple of paces out in front of whatever sexual shit that she admitted that she wanted to do. So that way, her shit doesn't seem as freaky because it's a couple of steps behind you, but you don't completely freak her the fuck out by, you know, talking about some German porn shit. All right. So that's what that's what I would do. All right. And that's what I have been doing throughout the years. Nia, look who just walked in. Somebody actually asked your advice because you were working out. Do you want to do this? Okay. All right. You know what? Do I have, I don't have my other microphone. So we actually have to be over here. Let me ask you this shit real quickly. I'll give you the basic overview. All right. There was a guy, right? He sees this girl. They like each other. The high, the college sweethearts. Everything about her was great. They have fun to, she's Nia's a little under the weather here. All right. Her fucking allergies are kicking up. Let me hear your voice. Say hello. Hello. Okay. And you worked out. What a fucking trooper. All right. Real quick. So everything hanging out. They laughed each other's jokes. The whole shit was perfect. But then they went to different medical schools. All right. So they broke up for a while and during the, you know, the five years, and I guess this guy cheated a lot when he was with her. And now five years have gone by, he got his freak out. If you saw the look of disgust on her face, he did all this shit. So now he's back together with her. All right. And he was kind of hoping, like, as his sex was kind of lame, like when he was with her. Missionary position, very like, if you like, if you were going to make like a, like a high school video on how to have sex, the male takes out his penis, what aroused, like they were having that kind of sex and no blowjobs whatsoever. So now he's gotten back together with her. He wants to be serious. He's gotten all his hopefully all his bullshit out. And now he's back with her. And the sex is basically the same. Now there's a couple of blowjobs. So he's wondering how does he get her to tap into her in her whore? Should he pursue? Should he pursue this relationship? Like, okay, how does a guy do that? Like, like, I said basically how I do it. Oh, she's already just saying, give me the mic. All right, go ahead. Well, first of all, just because you enjoy sex in different ways, doesn't make you a whore. So she doesn't have to tap into her in her whore, just more freedom sexually. Has he tried to talk? You don't need to clarify it. Okay, I'm not saying she's a whore. We understand this, okay? Well, I felt the need to clarify. Has he, had he, did he try to put your fist in the air for women right now? Okay, did he try to talk to her about this before? And she just ignored it? I don't think he's talked to her about it yet. So, you know, that's the first step is that he's got to talk to her. That's what I said. Look at that. Why don't we switch it up a little bit? And I wonder why she didn't give him blowjobs. Maybe she just doesn't like giving blowjobs. Maybe she doesn't know how, but it could be fun to explore together. So he should, yeah, he should ask her about it, just say. Okay, so it's basically what I said. You know, it's the worst is when women say they can't do it because they have TMJ. And it's like what? That doesn't mean they don't like to do it. Some people don't like to do it, you know? It's not, it's not that great for the other person, but it's like some people don't like it. Some guys don't like to go down on girls. Some girls don't like to go down on guys. It's just a preference thing. Okay. All right. So you basically said what I said. I thought you were going to come in here with some sort of, yeah, does that make you feel bad? No, but I just yeah, I thought I would be coming at it in a different, more rational, sensitive way. But you said the same thing, huh? Yeah, but not as sensitively. I said all the horseshit, you know? All right. That's, I don't know what I thought that was going to continue. Oh, I don't mean it like that. I just said in a mean way, come here, come over here, get a hug, get a hug. I'm coming towards the end of the, uh, the podcast. All right. All right. There you go. Now get out of here because you've been, you've been, you've been more than helpful. All right. She just gave me the finger. Now, you know what it is? Nia. Whenever you're on the podcast and then the podcast segment ends, I don't know how to smoothly transition you out of here because we don't go to commercial. Why don't I just go, ladies and gentlemen? Nia. Nia, everybody. Thank you so much, Nia. See you next time. See you next time. You were great. And now what the fuck just happened to my, I hate computers. It just signed me off and I was on a nice little fucking role here. And now I can't, I can't get back into my, my, my fucking, how is this easier people? I want, I want people to, now I have to go into my fucking, my stupid Apple works. All right. Here I am. Fucking. All right. I'm going to read one more of these and that's going to be the podcast for this week. All right. Hey, Bill, I need an outside perspective. My wife left me a year and a half ago to go blow college guys and spend her newly raised salary on clothes and purses. Not kidding. That's what she did. After nine years and two kids, I found out that she had two short affairs after each kid was born, then left me with our five month old baby. And two year old, I had been raising without her anyways. Jesus. Oh, Jesus. A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. She didn't have her, her half of daycare. Sorry people. Every once in a while, I go back to my bad reading habits. Let me just take a breath here, step back, focus. All right. A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. Okay. So after she's gone out, she left him with two kids to go blow college guys and spend all her money she just got on her newly higher salary. A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. She didn't have her half of daycare, Bill for a few months, even though she doubles my income. So I told her she could pay me back. Now the cunt gets her tax return and tells me to fuck off. She's not repaying me. She's going to get a card to replace the one she totaled in a DUI. Jesus, where'd you meet this winner? I'm pissed off and can't blast her in the jaw. So what do I do? I'm thinking of hiring a crackhead to spray paint deadbeat on her fucking car. From one asshole to another, thanks, Bill, the podcast and all three CDs have helped me through a lot of tough shit by laughing off the retarded shit that this cunt does. All right, dude. Yeah, you picked a winner here. This is like, this is one of these ones that you should ask Dr. Drew about who's amazing. And he would hit his half court shot and tell you exactly what's going on. There's something going on with her where she has affairs right after she has kids. I don't know what that is, but that's triggering something inside of her. I don't know if she gets freaked out with the level of responsibility. And she wants to, I don't know, do a bunch of get, go sew her oats in a female fucking way. They don't like, I don't know. You know, sometimes women have babies and then they have that postpartum depression. She has some sort of postpartum like, you know, hedonism that she just goes out and just turns into fuckfest 2011. So what you have there, dude, you have damage goods. There's no way you can ever fucking trust her again. You got two kids, so don't do anything to her. All right. This is like in sports where when somebody comes up and slashes you, the ref never sees it. But when you retaliate, you always end up getting the fucking five-minute major. This is what's going to happen. She's going to do all this dumb shit. You're going to hire people to do stuff. I know you're not going to literally do that, but you're going to try to exact some sort of revenge. And I don't know, the decent person always seems to get caught. So I would avoid doing that. This is how you get your revenge is I would just focus on being a great dad for those two kids in all honesty. I know that's a ton of work and it's easy for me to say when I don't have any kids. And I never ever badmouth their mother to them. Never do that. You know, have a buddy of yours where you can just vent and just talk about what a cunt she is as you're punching the bar, but never do it in front of your kids because that's still their mother. Eventually, they'll figure out what an irresponsible horse she is. And that's going to be your great payback is in that moment, not only are they going to realize what an irresponsible whore their mother is, is they're going to realize what a great dad they have. And which is obviously going to be priceless. And in the meantime, I would ask myself is if this lady, if this is the kind of per debut met a girl like this a number of times, is this just bad luck or do like every woman, every woman that you've dated is like this. Because if that is the case, there's something about these kinds of women that you're attracted to. And as I would use that analogy, you keep fishing in the same poison pond. I think because you got two kids, you want to go out and go meet a winner, go out, do that shit. We're going to meet a decent girl. Go out, go take a cooking class. I just gave Nia for a birthday. Fucking almost a goddamn year ago. She finally got around to it. A couple of gourmet cooking classes. And she went there and it's kind of like a little scene. You know, people bring wine in your cooking. There's all that fucking people are tasting shit. All the senses are going that pussy's getting wet in the room. You go in there, you fucking knock a couple out or whatever. Join a softball league. I don't know what all those a lot of boozing with softball. You know, probably going to get some bloated whore there. You might want to stay away from that. Maybe that's where you go to vent about what a fucking whore your wife is. But dude, you know what? You're a great fucking guy. You're doing the right thing. You're sticking with your kids and you're even supporting her even though she's making more fucking money. She's a loser. All right. She's a fucking loser and she's out of your life and your kids will be 18 one day and then this bitch will be out of your life. So who gives a fuck? All right. In the meantime, yeah, focus on being a good dad. Get yourself in great shape. I don't know, find some fucking way to do something social. Go meet a great woman. I can't say there's plenty of great women out there. It's just like guys, they're out there. Go find one and just ask them during the day. Just be like, by the way, are you an irresponsible whore? Because I really just got out of a relationship with an irresponsible whore and I'm not trying to do that. And talk about cheating. Ask if they've ever cheated on somebody. Here's another great question to ask. Ask if their parents are still together. That's a great one to ask. The parents are still together. If they get along with their parents, they come from a strong background. That's a good one to ask. That's a good place to start off. And that's it. I'm done trying to be Dr. Bill here for the week. Hour and six minute podcast. Once again, I'm going to be down at the Catalina Jazz Club doing a benefit for all those people out there in Japan, fellow human beings who also live on a fault line just like I do. So hopefully somebody out there will do a fucking comedy show for when LA falls into the fucking ocean. So I'm paying it forward. All right. So come on down. All the proceeds will go out to help the victims of that. This Catalina Jazz Club down on Sunset Boulevard. I just tweeted about it at billbird.com. I think that's it. We got all the YouTube videos. They didn't get a chance to describe the YouTube videos this week, but they're fucking hilarious. Some guy has a potato gun that he shoots a bunch of pubes onto a passed out guy. That's one of them. And it just goes from there. It just goes from there. So go to the M.M. podcast to watch all that. If you want to see the pictures of the tower theater and me working with Joe DeRosa, the Teen Idol sensation from the OP and Anthony program. I have all of those and I have a picture of that fucking chicken wing sitting on my window sill just in case you think I was making it up. My fucker. That's it. Everybody have a great week. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week. Oh, wait. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. I almost forgot. I almost forgot. I told you that I was going to bring in the the outtake from my failed attempt at the podcast last week. This is like a special track. Remember that back in the day when you'd buy like a CD and they'd say there'd be like 15 songs, but it would say 16 tracks and they would just let the tape run and run and run and then you'd find the that little gem at the end. I think this is this is the podcast version because I already signed off. All right, just to set this up. This was me last night after getting like four hours sleep flying across this country and then watching the masters and I'm trying to tell that Sheridan story and up until this point it just had not been funny and I think I met the part of the story where the guy was bringing the new table to replace the broken table in and I was trying to explain it in a funny way. It wasn't funny and I just I just fucking tapped out and this is the clip. Hope you enjoyed. I'll talk to you next week. I was like Jesus Christ. Then I heard an argument between a man and a woman as I was walking back downstairs and later on that night when I came back from my gig there was a fucking half eaten chicken wink sitting on the window sill of my room. I got a picture of it. You know, I actually you know something when I I knew something was up when I went to check into my room there was a knock at my door five seconds later and the guy goes oh hey he's got this big table. I'm like dude you got the wrong room. I didn't order a table. He said no no no. He said this this table belongs in your room. He goes somebody broke it here last night and I was like Jesus what was there a party here or something. He was like yeah. I go well did you fumigate the place or is it just all jizz and coke residue in here and he just laughed. Shook his head and left and that's when my ass knew I was in a ghetto ass motherfucking Sheridan baby. This podcast sucks. [BLANK_AUDIO]