Bill rambles out the Rose Bowl, Bankers, and TCU.
Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-11
>> Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 3rd, 2011. Did you guys have a nice New Year's? Hope you had a nice holiday seriously before I say cunt for the first time on a podcast this year. Officially, that one wasn't official. That was just me stating it, like in a court of law, as in I asked the defendant where he was coming from. And he told me, quote, to go fuck myself, see? Now that lawyer is not saying, is saying the F word, but it's not, that example made no goddamn sense whatsoever. Anyways, I hope you guys all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and all that. Now that you're back at work, you know, this is a weird week, this is another weird week. Last week was the weird depressing week, unless you're a college student or something, or a kid, you're living at home or some shit. Then it's great, because you got time off from school, everything's awesome, you go in sledding, right? You make an ice balls, you're throwing them at the fat kid down the street, right? The ice ball fucking snowball, right? Put a nice chunk of ice in there, you pack it with some pottery stuff, and you say, hey, fatty! You want to have a snowball fight, right? You can't, oh my God, they're finally including me! Jesus, it's been so rough since July when they laughed at my man tits, down at the town pool, and he thinks he's included, right? I love all the mean fucks who are laughing at this right now, and then what do you do? Bring him over, right? He throws a couple of fucking Colorado snowballs, none of that powdery shit at you, and then you fucking set him up, like Pat Patterson, when he took out the fucking brass knuckles, when he beat Ted DiBiase for the Intercontinental Championship in 1980, but you knew that? Maybe it was '81, I don't fucking remember, right? You fucking nailed that fatty right in the side of his head. He goes down, he cries, half his face goes numb, he gets bell palsy from laying in that half-frozen puddle, and all your friends laugh, you don't even help him up, and he's laying there in his dirty orange fucking puffy coat, that he just got for Christmas. And where does he go? He goes back inside, and sits down and plays fucking video games until he's 36, and that's the first time he discovers Craig's list, you know, with the quivering voice, and trembling fingers he picks up the old rotary phone. I don't know why I'm going with this, I think initially I was going to make fun, the kids don't even do this shit anymore, because they're too busy being inside playing video games, and then it just sort of spun off to a vignette of my childhood. You know what's funny is that whole thing never really happened, I was on both sides of that snowball. Jesus, that was pathetic. You know, I think it's important in life to remember that at some point you were on the wrong side of an ice snowball. Am I really just going to do the mock gay voice to just get out of every difficult comedy moment? I think I'm going to, I've been doing it for the first three years of this podcast. People, do you understand that I am basically about a year and a half away from being five years into this podcast, and actually getting to do a reunion show with myself? You know, thicker head of hair, five pounds lighter, just as much as a douche, just as much of a douche. That's something in 2011, I would like to have more sentences that make sense. Do you guys make any new year's resolutions? Well, I can't hear them, so shut up. Are you an idiot? You're going to sit there and rattle them off? Look at that goddamn cubicle, you're really going to sit in that fucking thing for another year. Are you? That's right, look down and shame at your belt buckle. That snazzy little belt buckle that you bought that you thought would set off your suit. You know, make people see at the gas station, stand in there thinking that you actually have some sort of a fucking desk where you can look across at somebody else, where you wield a little bit of power. This actually creeped me out, I don't want to make somebody do something crazy. It's okay, cubicle is just a stepping stone to a cubicle that's even larger. And then one day being the final three people to get the corner office, and then you realize that you've been replaced by a fucking robot. Speaking of which, I've got to find this email that somebody sent me. If I was organized, I would have heard it, but no. In the meantime, my goals this year is I'm finally going to rehab the fucking torn abdomen muscle that I fucked up in a pirate's game. I'm going on three fucking years, three years ago. I tried to show that I could go into the pipe position at 40 years of age. Okay. God damn it, I did it, but I didn't stretch. And I think I talked to you guys about this right after I did it. God damn it, I've been doing the podcast long enough. Go back to like July of 2008. Somewhere in there, I went to a pirates game when I was working the Pittsburgh improv. And I wanted to show off what great shape I was in. Three years later, still dealing with two and a half years later, still dealing with that. What the hell is it? Oh, they are watching. Yes, so anyways, let me, let me, before I get into the conspiracy theory, which I took a break from in 2010 because I wanted to actually enjoy my life. Yeah, I want to rehab it. Anybody can give me some WebMD free advice. Come on, there's got to be a personal trainer out there. I know when you tear an abdomen muscle, you're supposed to arrest it. And then after you rest it from one to four weeks. And cord, according to my stomach hurts, and I don't know why.com. He's supposed to rest it for one to four weeks. And then begin doing some sort of rehab, which. You know, I don't know how to do it. I found just sitting there in the plank position helps for you yoga people out there. It's sort of like the push up position, but you're on your forearms. That seemed to have helped it, but I, I don't know, I fucked it up the other day. And it's really frustrating. It's frustrating. So anyways, yeah, I want to rehab that. I want to eat better this year. And I want to continue to not drink for as long as I can. I'm going for a hundred days. I'm going for 100 days. In fact, listen to this, fuckos. I went to, I went to the Rose Bowl this year, and I did not drink. I did not drink. And I know there's a lot of you who are disappointed that I didn't drink because you want me to fill up your life with the hilarious story of me making an ass of myself once again to kick off a new year. Well, god damn it, I didn't. But I stood around and I watched enough other people fucking do it. And I still have plenty of stories. And I got the brain cells to remember them. It's a fucking awesome game. It was Wisconsin versus TCU. And I was like most people like who the fuck is TCU? And then you look in the program, let me go grab the Rose Bowl program. Hang on one second. Because you guys just sit tight, just relax as I walk across the road and drive to find the Rose Bowl program. Oh, here it is. Look at this. I found it. I really need to get in with an assistant on this podcast. All right, I'm back. So here's the Rose Bowl program. And basically the Rose Bowl this year, if you were going to turn it into an awful, you're going to turn it into an awful made for TV movie. This was like, I guess it was a story about respect. All right, in that, you know, people barely respect Wisconsin because they never go to the Rose Bowl. I can't remember the last time they won the big 10 championship, but they finally won it. They won it, and they beat the likes of, let's see who they beat. All right, let's go through their whole fucking season here really quickly. Stop rolling your eyes. You fucking commie non-sports fan cunt. All right, start off the year they beat UNLV. These are the cupcake games early in the end. And they beat San Jose State, Arizona State. There's a Pac-10 team, Austin P. Is that somebody's name? Do they play like one guy? Then they beat Michigan State. Then they beat Minnesota. They beat Ohio State, right? Big 10, Iowa, Purdue. You've heard of these teams, Indiana, Michigan. One of those teams they actually lost to, but I went by too quickly. Northwestern, you know, they played some fucking teams. TCU, on the other hand, didn't play shit. So, okay, she's down there outside of Dallas, Texas. Texas, Christian, oh geez, it's university. And you wonder why no one gives a fuck about the Mountain West program. I want you to write me and tell me just exactly, okay, Oregon State, that's Pac-10. That's Tennessee Tech. This is their undefeated season. They beat Oregon State, Tennessee Tech, Baylor, SMU, Colorado State, Wyoming, BYU, Air Force, UNLV, Utah, San Diego State, New Mexico. That was their undefeated season. And they're sitting there, scratching the top of their fucking heads, wondering why people are questioning their record. All right? So, here's the deal. I'm sitting there going, all right, I like this. Big 10, even though the Big 10 isn't what it used to be, considering they went, oh, and I'm live on fucking New Year's Day, who doesn't like an underdog? So, I'm going, well, fuck it, man. I'm going to roof a TCU, even though they have Christian, oh geez, in the middle of their fucking name, which you know what that means. They automatically think they're better than everybody else, and Jesus loves us best despite the fact that they're preaching that everybody needs to be more understanding like Jesus. Somehow they miss the irony of the fact that they feel like they're the chosen ones, like all stupid fucking religions do, right? Jewish people think they are the chosen ones. Christians think they are the chosen ones. Muslim thinks that, you know what, you guys are all a bunch of douchebags, all right? None of you matter. That's why there's so many of us. If we were special, there'd only be like nine of us. Once there's seven billion of anything, I mean, we're not special anymore. Okay? Do you understand that? We're like socks. You know? Actually, some poor people can't afford socks. The socks are still important to some people, you know? I don't want the fuck I'm saying. So TCU, they got a fucking bay and they're bonnet about how nobody's respecting them. So I'm sitting there. This is before I talk to anybody from TCU. I just saw, all right, you know, purple and black, those are decent colors, man. I like those. Wisconsin, I'm looking at all these fatties from Wisconsin, you know, walking around. Just horrible, horrible shape. I think when, you know, when Europeans look in America and they think of the fat fucks, you know, I don't know. I think they send away for a Wisconsin University brochure every year. I don't know what because Jesus Christ, those were some healthy fucking people, all right? Evidently, the recession has not hit Wisconsin yet because those people have plenty of money for extra food. So anyway, so I'm sitting there and we start to walk into the game, right? Me and three of my buddies were all going, I don't name names on this fucking thing. We go to walk into this goddamn thing and I start looking around. After a wonderful tailgate, we really did it up this year. Plenty of booze, which I did not partake in. I brought a 12 pack of water. Go ahead. Email me. Call me a fag. I don't give a fuck. I feel great. You fucking cunt. Look at, I'm still defensive about it. You know, at least I'm one of those, those, I'm not a preachy sober person. I'm not going like, you know, why do you do that? What are you, what are you running from? I know why you're doing it because it's fucking fun and I'd still be doing it if my head didn't get three times the size of its usual enormous size, you know? My head, when I'm not boozeing, looks like one of the moons of Jupiter, okay? I don't need to continue adding to it, you know, and then have it be like Pluto and then scientists can fucking debate on whether or not it's a fucking planet, all right? Fucking, fucking, fucking. There you go. See, I needed the help there. The F word for me is, is my, my, what are those things? The HGH of my fucking comedy, all right, and I will continue to use it and I don't give a shit because they're not banned in my industry. Anyways, so what was I saying? Okay, so we had a great tailgate. We show up, came in the back way this, this, this year, all right? We parked right along the fence. We were right near the clubhouse on the golf course and then you can, I could literally see one of the lights, you know, that lights up the stadium. So we were right there. There was no way we were getting lost this year. I actually brought a frying pan, brought some eggs. We had burgers, hot dogs, steak. We had shit to throw in the omelets, cheese, everything you want. We had a spatula, we brought tongs, we had napkins, we had a fucking garbage bag. We had a grill, bag of charcoal, four bags of fucking icicle. We had everything. We had fucking corn chips, we had salsa. We had two bottles of mustard, whole jar of fucking pickles, ketchup. We had everything. We had, we had, we had real forks and steak knives for the steaks. We had everything except for a fucking table. God, next year is going to be the per every year. Two bottles of crown royal, a case of fucking beer. We were ready to go. We even had orange juice for the fucking eggs. We were ready to go and we forgot a goddamn table. It's one of the ways we start the day off with one of the best fucking omelets you ever got to have, New Year's Day sitting on a golf course on a sunny day. Knowing the rest of the goddamn country snowed in, screaming at some ticket agent that they got to get back to Albuquerque before they yak. You know, shit's the bed, right? We forgot a goddamn table, which isn't bad when you eat an omelet. But when you're eating a fucking steak, that's an inch and a half thick that's been cooked at best rare. It's supposed to be medium rare, okay? It was just medium rare. What happens is you got it on a paper plate and as you use pressure to cut into that, it creases in the middle and you see this puddle of grease. It just starts coming. It comes close to your balls and then goes away, just like the tide coming in. And you're sitting there going, you know, I really should just drip the rest of this grease down into the grass, kill a couple of ladybugs and then continue on with the eating process. But it tastes so fucking good. You go, you know what? I think I can do it one more time. And then you do it. And what happens? It fucking rolls right off onto your jeans. And you haven't noticed, I don't give a fuck what you spill, where you spill it. You could have your arms outstretched. If you spill any sort of liquid, it not only does it land in your crotch, it lands right at the head of your dick. So it always looks like you pissed your pants. So that's what I look like. I had grease on the front of my pants. I mean, while I'm sitting here watching all these Wisconsin fans walking around and they got these candy striped fucking overalls. They look like Richard Simmons shorts. If you fucking mugged them and cleaned out his closet of early 80's fucking gayest running shorts ever and you somehow turned them into overalls, you know, be one thing of women we're wearing them, that'd be kind of hot, right? But there was a bunch of guys wearing them too. They all look like a jugglers convention is the best way to put it. So I'm sitting there going, man, I like the big 10. I want a roof for Wisconsin. Then every once in a while because it seemed to be like 80%, 75%, maybe 70 at the smallest Wisconsin fans and then TCU. So, you know, who doesn't like an underdog? So I start walking towards the stadium, right? And I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to go for TCU. Fuck this. I'm Mountain West, whatever the fucking, I don't even know what conference they're from. Huh? I hope these guys win. And I start going up to the stadium and one of my buddies, Elbows, me, and he turns around and he points to these TCU fans and this guy is wearing brown loafers, these light purple like corduroy dockers with the TCU emblem and then like a V-neck sweater and like these Raybond fucking risky business sunglasses on and he, I, like if you, if you were casting a movie, do you guys see Facebook, that Facebook, social network, do you know how like the Harvard guys were, this is what this guy looked like and I was like, oh my, are you serious? Is this guy an anomaly or is this really what TCU was all about? My buddy literally goes to me, he goes, that's it, I'm rooting for Wisconsin, you know? I look at this fucking guy and I, and I was sitting there going, you know what? I think he's right. Nah, nah, nah, maybe it's just this one fucking guy and then I see another guy. He has on a purple fucking blazer with gold buttons, a white shirt, some pleated slugs and loafers to the game and all of a sudden I started looking at these, that's not all of them but a good 15% of them are dressed this way, looking like those rich kids who fucking, you know, air quote accidentally kill their date, you know? And then they say it was consensual because she wanted rough sex too and their daddy has enough fucking money to get them out of it. That's what they started looking like. So I'm like, holy shit, fuck this, I'm rooting for Wisconsin. Now we're in the crush to get in the game and I look in front of me and there's this pasty fat fuck Wisconsin fan in front of me with the Wisconsin hat turned around and I don't know if it was dry skin or eczema. He had a perfect band of it going around the back of his, you know, his hairline at the back of his head and the flakes of it were on the back of his sweatshirt. I know. I hope you're not eating. Okay. So I'm looking at him going, oh, horrified, absolutely horrified. And then I'm turning around. I'm looking at these fucking slack and sport coat wearing douchebags. And at that point, I didn't know who I was for. I was actually hoping that during the flyover, one of the jets would go in the crowd and they could just start all over again. It was, it was horrific. This group of fans I've seen in three years, granted I was sober this time and I could actually remember this. So I go into the stadium, right? And lo and behold, I'm in the TCU section, right? And I'm like, okay, I don't know if I like this. And I just, and I'll just start here, start here. Take say you, this girl like three rows back, take say you, come on frogs, come on frogs. And I go, frogs, they had the fucking, I didn't know what they were. You got to give it to Wisconsin badger is a badass fucking animal. TCU horn frogs, okay? And, and their mascot, look, I don't, it looks like something out of like that, that Star Wars bar scene, you know, and again, let's go from, come on, take say you, take say you, and I'm looking at the girls and they, they, they have their jeans. Tucked into their cowboy boots, like they're in that band, Great White, you know, and then on top, they have like these dime store, dolly part and cowboy hats on. And I was like, oh my God, I fucking hate these people. And at that point, and I was sitting right in the middle of them. And I immediately just became a Wisconsin fan. Now, in defense of TCU, I think if I was hanging in the Wisconsin section, I would root, I would have rooted for TCU. I would have rooted for TCU. You know, in the middle of me just screaming that, TACU, come on frogs. I can't tell if Nia just laughed or the guy downstairs yelled at me, oh, that's a dog. Okay, my fault, or it's Mel Blank. Could anybody imitate a dog barking better than that guy? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So then I just sat there and just was rooting for Wisconsin. And I just wanted, and I, and I, and I just, another thing too that is really fucking annoying about TCU fans, okay, is no matter what's going on during the game, they have a reason to fucking put their hands in the air so you can't see the fucking game. Anytime it was third down, they had this gay little thing where, you know, you make the "I'm okay" sign, they would do that, signifying third down, and then they would just sort of shake their hands like, "Uhu, just in case you don't know what down it is." And everybody. So it's like third down, and anybody who watches football knows third down is a really important fucking down. As a fan who paid a fuckload for the ticket, you want to see what happened, and these fucking idiots are so busy going, "Tootaloo, you couldn't see anything." Then not to mention, there's fat whore in front of me who, from the size of her, should have been a Wisconsin fan, but then again, I've been to Houston, Texas, okay? Those people like their barbecue too. These are the people that really make America look bad. It's the fucking middle of the country. You goddamn people. I don't know what your problem is. It's because you're landlocked, don't they have swimming pools where you people could do a couple of laps? People on the coast are in shape, all right, Seattle, all the way down to San Diego. These motherfuckers are in shape. Go ahead. Yeah, San Diego, go right up the coast, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland, Oregon, they're in shape, Seattle, they're in shape. Vancouver, I even leave the country in their fucking in shape. You start getting out there in Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin, huh? The fucking people are horrific. Other than Florida. Florida doesn't count. All right. Florida is, I don't know what it is. It's a ball bag. Everybody says it looks like a dick to me. It looks like a fucking 56 year old scrotum. Just hanging there after the dick got loped off. Anyways, so they handed out, like them doing that third down thing wasn't enough. They handed out these fucking little purple like rags, okay? First of all, stealing from the Pittsburgh Steelers, that's the terrible towel. They steal that. And on them, it said fear the frog, which they stole from Maryland. Fear the turtle, right? The first school to actually admit that they have a bad name, a bad mascot fucking name. So then what they would just fucking fat whore in front of me. I swear to God, every goddamn play, okay? Her fucking team would be, we had end zone seats, was in the other end zone at Wisconsin's 10 yard line, trying to drive in for a score, okay? They're 90 yards away if you're standing on the goal line. Forget about being 40, 50 fucking rows up in the goddamn stand. And she would be sitting there as she's talking to a friend too. That's what killed me. Classic brought it again. She's sitting there shooting the shit, you know, she probably went there for the tournament of fucking roses. And she just kept it. And finally, I tapped her on her fleshy shoulder. And she immediately took it as I was saying, put it down. I said, can you just wave it, can you wave it more in your, like in front of you? Which this is the funniest thing ever. She does. And immediately realizes that when she does it, she can't see the fucking game. Welcome to my world, you fat whore. That's what I've been dealing with for the last three fucking quarters. So then what she did was she then switched it into her left hand, okay? Because not only is she a fat whore, she's a dumb fat whore, okay? In the first moment, when I tapped her, she was like, oh, this guy must be a Wisconsin fan, you know, because he's telling me to put it down. Then she realizes, oh, it's in his way. Then she waves it in front of her face and realizes, oh, now I can't see. And you would think at that point, light would dawn on her fucking fat head. And she'd be like, oh, I get it. If I wave this thing, people behind me can't see the fucking game. Not this fat whore, not this one. She fucking puts it in the left hand and starts waving like that. Like that's the solution. Like she doesn't notice that there's another fucking 80,000 fans to her fucking left. It was the worst. And it's times like those where I just, times like those were made for Taster's Choice. Grab that coffee, just brew up a nice hot pot and you just dump it right over a fucking head. That's what I would have liked in a perfect world. And as she screamed from these scalding burns, she would collapse afterwards or maybe pass out. Either way, she would be out of my way. And I got to tell you, that would be the equivalent of three normal Americans who live on the coasts, who live near the ocean. Hey, you know what? I just realized that's how I'm going to make my million dollars, my multi million dollar so I can parachute out of this goddamn business. I've been trying to come up with some bullshit that I could sell for 1995 late at night. I think I just did. You know, I'm going to sell, I'm going to sell ocean water and little salt shakers for 1995. That's what I'm going to do. And I'm just going to go, you know, have you ever noticed how, you know, people who live on the coasts of this country are in shape? You know, and I'll just show a bunch of good looking people running down the street with their knees nice and high, like the Wisconsin fucking marching band, which was the shit. Just running down the fucking street, you know, high stepping it. And then the white version of high stepping, which is basically, we ring our knees up to our waist as opposed to the scrambling black version where you basically, you know, you couldn't do it in a domed stadium because you would break your fucking toes, whatever black people were trying, we're trying anyways. So yeah, I would sell that and I would just say, and then you get, you know, are you tired of being fat in the middle of the country and just so somebody has sent a bun taken a bite out of it. And then just looking at the camera, like, you know, throwing their arms up like, yeah, I am sick of being a fat fuck. You know, you know, they have sent a buns on the east coast, wired on the west coast, why aren't they fat? Fucks. And I'll just, I just spin it. It's because they live near the ocean and it they're smelling that salt water in the air. And I'll just make up a bunch of shit. I'll pay off some fucking people in the FDA. It doesn't seem like a hard thing to do considering half the drugs that could approve nowadays. Just say it's because of smelling salt water air that you're able to eat cinnabun and shed off those fucking pounds. And I'll sell it like little bottles of fucking cologne to every fatty in the fucking Midwest. And I'll make my money and then I'm going to move to Denmark. And I'm going to pay 90% taxes, yet have free health insurance and, you know, in a little Vespa. I'm going to go around those little fucking those little streets out there. I'm trying to put together a Scandinavian tour, by the way, this year. I'm really looking forward to that. So there you go. You know, something like you, I also lost interest halfway through that. So that was a rose bowl for me this year. I didn't drink. I had a, I had a fucking awesome time. I remember the game, congratulations to Tacey, you let's go frogs. Congratulations to you, horribly, horribly dressed human beings. Horribly dressed, trash, white trash is the only way to describe what I saw it there. You guys really looked like you never left the greater Dallas area. You know, I'm going to go out on limb here and I'm going to say I'm never going to get an opportunity to perform at that school. And if I ever get an offer, I'm going to be really suspect of it, thinking that they actually listened to this podcast. Oh my God, the dime store fucking, oh every, the women, women all dressed like that dolly part movie, best little whorehouse in Texas, except they were serious. They put out my best hat for this one. I saw a guy, I actually took a picture of him, or did I zoom into him? I have some video, I got to give it to my web guy, of this guy, he was dressed in a suit with a big black stetson, looking like fucking JRU-ing stand-in. You know, if it was the early 80s, he would have looked good, you know, but it's fucking 2011, dude, it's time to let that go. You're fucking oil man slash coke dealer. Look from fucking 1981, 30 years later you're still rocking that look like dead serious, dead serious. These are the kind of people that think that you can cure homosexuals, you know, and you know, like when those country singers need a hit, so they just write a song about how great America is, and the fans are too dumb to see through the fact that they're just trying to make money, you know, I like America, and if you don't like it, the fuck out, because it's the best goddamn nation, even though the schools are going down the shitter, and just ignoring everything, speaking of which, I got a great underrated overrated here at this week that somebody sent in, you know, you guys know I'm a moron, so I couldn't put it any better than this guy. This guy says overrated, the new year on TV, every fucking year all these celebrities come on and say how amazing the new year is. How is it, how is it any more amazing than the last? The population is still rising, and people are just getting more fucking stupid and fat, you know, for comedic purposes, you sort of said more fat and stupid, more fucking fat and stupid, see the alliteration, more fucking stupid and fat, you know, that's just like, you know, after you've gone down the roller coaster, you've gone down tucking the big drop, you get those little ones that don't even scare you, those little bunny hills, but if you say more fucking fat and stupid, fucking fat, you get two of those in a row, that's like, that's like going right down the big one. Anyways, I'll help you out here, the population is still rising and people are getting more fucking fat and stupid, the banks are still stealing our money, our money spelled A-R-E, our money and the politicians still lie. I don't see how it is anything more than depressing and pathetic, love just special. Thank you. Yeah, I agree with you, 100% agree with you. To the point, it's so fucking depressing that I just got a dog a couple years ago because no one else seems to give a shit and in that the line of that, he has some conspiracy theory for you, somebody said, Bill, he wrote, they are watching and I got trashed for talking about conspiracy theory. I've been trashed for talking about those automated checkout lines in the grocery store and saying that I'm paranoid and I'm afraid of technology and all this technology is just going to help my life and make my life more easier and why don't you trust these big fucking corporations, basically. It's the shit that people will give me. The same way people gave me shit for trashing the jets, saying that the jets haven't done anything so I don't know why they're fucking Super Bowl favorites. What because the coach said they're going to win every fucking game. This is the best way I can sum up, Rex Ryan. Rex Ryan is the tequila tequila of NFL head coaches. He's for nothing in particular. He's never won anything yet everybody knows who he is and is hanging on his words like he has something to fucking say. What? Because he dropped 9,000 F bombs on HBO, he's famous for that. He wore a wig and a press conference and we found out he has a foot fetish. Oh yeah, toss him right in there with Chuck Knoll. That's fucking ridiculous. By the way, speaking of that, the Steelers finally look like the Steelers. I thought that they were going to look like when Roethlisberger came back. That is a scary ass team. I know they were just playing the Browns but when Palamalu is playing, it's an entirely different team. All you jet fans out there who are excited that you beat that team, I'm telling you, that's a different fucking team. I'm not even excited that the Patriots beat him because I just don't think that the Steelers are now starting to click and they remind me of a certain giant team from a few years ago that no one was really paying attention to and all of a sudden got hot in December and lo and behold beat the 18 and 0 Patriots. Oh, and speaking of that, my season long bet with Paul Verzi, I want it. I'm psyched. I won it. I basically rattled off six victories in a row against the spread and put Paul Verzi out of his misery. You know, the poor bastard the entire year really felt like he was going to beat me just because I never really gambled because I did it like fucking in 1989. That's the one and only time I did it. I had season tickets to the Patriots. We made the playoffs the year before and all of a sudden we were 5 and 11 and I was like, fuck this, I'm getting some of my money back from, you know, shelling out 250 bucks for season tickets. That's what you could get back in the day before ESPN overhyped every sport and people who don't even like sports are going to games now. So yeah, I want to get some of my money back and I remember the Buffalo Bills right before they became the Buffalo Bills. They had all those guys, they were a year away from going to their first Super Bowl, you know, four in a row, winning four AFC championships in a row, one of the most underrated accomplishments ever, you know, basically because they got, because they lost four Super Bowls in a row. So I mean, what do you expect? But anyways, I decided to bet the fucking Buffalo Bills that year. This is off a memory. This is what gambling does. And I remember that was the one fucking week the goddamn Patriots showed up and won the game. So I couldn't even enjoy it. And I lost like 50 bucks, which when you're only making 125 a week is a tremendous blow. So I never bet again. I never gambled against the spread for like until this year. And Paul Versi, who, you know, has been doing it for years going, dude, I called it. I did this. I did that. You got beat by a goddamn nerd. Just breaking your balls, Paul, because I know you're listening, I know you're listening. All right. So there you go. I almost went 500 for the year against the spread, which from what I've been told is pretty goddamn decent. So yeah, I'm patting myself on the back. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So I have to get in trash for all, you know, talking shit about all these corporations and actually having audacity to think that bankers were all trying to team up and have one world bank, you know, to become the loan sharks for not every, not only individual, but actual countries, okay, which is something that I was thinking about when I was at the Rose Bowl stone sober and I was sitting there on the golf course and I was looking at these houses up on up on the ridge of this hill that actually looked down on the Rose Bowl, the granddaddy of them all, these people have a house that looks down on it and I was actually envisioning that those were all bankers up there. And while the game was going on and 104,000 people are 96,000 who ever showed up for that game, we're sitting there going fucking crazy, one of those piece of shit bankers up there could put his hand on his son's shoulder and be like, see all those people down there? They owe all of us money. They all owe me money, son. I'm getting a piece of all of their fucking paychecks and they don't even know it. They don't even know that their daddy is looking down on him right now. Now had I been drinking, that thought would have probably caused me to, you know, entertain the thought of climbing up that hill and throwing a rock through one of the windows, which of course I wouldn't have done because even my drunkest, I am aware that I don't want to go to jail and get raped. And secondly, I'm not going to go all the way up that fucking hill. But what I would have done is I probably would have yelled at that kid with the light purple slacks. I would have commented really loud about that dude's fucking eczema flaking off into the back of his goddamn sweatshirt. So anyway, this guy sends me this email and he says, "Build the vase in this blog when I say they are watching our big business, not the Illuminati, but they are just as evil as any bank or secret society. They don't even need your signature." Listen to this shit. They don't even need your signature for these information, gathering, traderware programs to monitor everything from where the device is to what your heart rate is. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to on Mondays. Also I like your Christmas tree. You should turn it into a walking stick now that the holidays are over. You guys are so dumb. You guys are buying shrubs. Do you realize that? Look out your window and look at trees. You can see the trunk, you dumb fucks. It's like, you know, your morons. Look at a shrub. Can you see that you can't? You're buying shrubs that are pruned into the shape of Christmas tree. I had the information from an actual fucking guy last week, all right? I bought a Christmas tree. You bought a Christmas shrub. So go fuck yourselves. But I like this guy because he sends me this. What is traderware? That's the question I had. A digital camera may embed metadata into photographs with cameras serial number or your location. Your printer may be incorporating a secret code on every page at prints which could be used to identify the printer and potentially the person who used it. Now the fucking morons, the sheep out there would be like, yeah, that's in case you threaten the president. They're just doing it for the good of all people. If Apple puts a particularly creepy patent, I guess Apple's applying for this, is it recently applied for the use for? You can look forward to a day when your iPhone may record your voice. Take a picture of your location, record your heartbeat, and send that information back to the mothership. This is traderware, devices that act behind your back and portray your privacy. This is what the moron sheep are going to be to say, well, if you ain't doing nothing wrong, what's the problem? That's the philosophy. That was the philosophy behind why they can record your phone calls now. If you ain't doing nothing, we're tasting you. Come on frogs. You ain't doing nothing wrong. Do you realize how fucking dumb that mindset is? So basically, as long as you do what the people in power tell you what to do, you won't have a problem. Do you understand how dangerous that is? Do you understand how fucking stupid it is to have that level of faith in the people who rule you? You know what I mean? You haven't noticed how much power can fuck somebody over? Like for some reason, we only seem to focus on when celebrities get famous and then they wig out and start becoming these fucking mini tyrants. For some reason, people don't feel they just have like this because they wave the flag and they play those songs that make you choked up, that they never feel like that they'll have any sort of ulterior motive for this. This is the type of technology that allows a small group of people to take over the world. Everything that's sociopaths have been trying to do since the beginning of time and they were never able to do it because at some point your army would be stretched too thin, right? The Germans, the fucking Roman Empire, all that shit at some point, the fucking Japanese, all of them. Everybody who's ever tried to fucking do it at some point, it gets stretched too thin. So America, what we've done is we've done, we're putting this base here to protect you thing, that brilliant thing. That's how we got our world empire. So we just have a base, then also we have these insane weapons where we can nuke everybody. So we were able to kind of do it that way, but the problem is, is when you really get into sociopathic thought and just like those people who are so into power that it makes their dick-hard is they want to know, they want to be able to see everybody, know what they're thinking and know what they're doing at all times because not only they psychos, but with that level of power becomes this unbelievable level of paranoia. Like those people with those houses sitting on the ridge looking down into the Rose Bowl, there's a fear, like we sit there looking up and go look at they got the fucking world. There is a fear of when you attain that level of wealth of losing all of it. And you begin on this, this quest to quiet your mind. You want, you want to get a level of wealth and control in your life that you are guaranteed that it will never go away in your lifetime or your kid's lifetime or your kid's kids. So basically everybody that you know and love will be okay and you will be okay. You get into that psychotic fucking mindset and you give those kinds of people this level of fucking technology and you're going to have a problem. I think that's unbelievable that this shit is, and so they have this, this website here, the EFF Electronic Frontier Foundation that is trying to fight these things being put into the tech, you know, the cameras, the cell phones and all that shit. The fact that there's a tracking device in your cell phone, like how come we didn't get to vote on that? How come we don't get to vote on that type of stuff? I don't want people knowing where the fuck I am in all goddamn times, okay? And I don't need you to show me, oh we cut this fucking child molester with that. So because of that now everybody has to be like give me a fucking break. They always have like, you know, there's a handful of good examples for that level of fucking control and then there's a zillion bad ones. So I am 100% against this shit and there's always been evil people in the fucking world. There's always going to be evil fucking people in the world and when you get, when you have this kind of technology, you're going to stop, they're going to stop small evil, like individual, you know, a fucking serial rapist, which you definitely want to stop, all right? But the price we're going to pay is you're going to allow a Stalin or a Hitler pollpot, whoever the fuck you want to do, you're going to, with that level of technology, someone like that could get in power and run the fucking world. So you know, I don't know, and I totally 100% believe that, you could roll all your fucking eyes all you want, I honestly believe that. And I also believe that the reason why there's so many of us right now and that the people at the top are not fucking concerned about it is because we're all expendable. And when the waters rise up, the temperatures goes up and everything, they're not going to be the ones who are drowning. You can guarantee that they're using our taxpayer money to build some sort of something to make sure that they're okay. And I think that their bailout plan, because they know they can't stop people from fucking because it feels too goddamn good. And dicks and pussies are readily available to anyone. It's like air, you know? So I think what they're going to gradually do is phase this out with robots and automated shit, which is why I refuse to use it. Now how fucking crazy do I sound right now? Has there been anything funny in the last fucking five? This is shit that I truly believe, you know, corporations own like the DNA of a grizzly bear. They don't give a fuck that they're cutting down its habitat. They're like, I will fucking grow another one in a petri dish. We're trying to take over everything and then wipe out. I think they're going to try to wipe out the poor in the middle class. Keep a couple of us, like a small handful of us, you know, the way that pandas are only in like zoos at this point or some shit. I don't know. Maybe I picked the wrong fucking animal, but that's the direction I think it's going. All right. That's a crazy rant, which was based mainly in gut feelings and a couple of emails. But I truly believe that. And I browse through enough, enough history. Hey, Cleo. What's up, baby? Come here. As my dog. Here's a nice break. Come here. Come here, stupid. What's going on? How are you? All right. All right. Don't lick the microphone. Get out of here. Good fucking dog, Cleo, huh? You know what I like about having a pit bull? You don't have to apply for a license to get one. That's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful goddamn thing. And I like that people are afraid of my dog. I really enjoy that. Cleo. Do you realize people are afraid of you? If you weren't so fucking nervous all the time, if you actually had the mental of... Hey, I'm talking to you. Cleo. Hey. Cleo, do. Yeah. Tails wagon sign. I know she's listening. You actually had the ability to comprehend what you were looking at when you looked into a mirror and saw how fucking strong you are. You know, if you had the ability to do that rather than look into a mirror and think it's another dog, start growling at that. All right. Let's get out of this fucking conspiracy theory. So anyways, that whole fucking... That whole email and reading up on that stuff makes me look at a notebook and a pen, a lot better light. It's a lot cheaper. It won't crash. You know, no one can steal your password. You know. And people are going to say, "Well then someone can also look at your notebook very easily and there's no password and read it." The fucking goddamn CIA can turn on your computer. Do you realize they have the ability to do that? They can turn... Even when it's off, they can turn it on and look at everything. Do you realize that? If you ain't doing anything wrong, they say, "You come out frogs." That's what you have a safe for, stick it in a fucking safe. Anyways, douchebag of the week might be me after that rant to a lot of people. It wasn't even a rant, it was just sort of a quiet me-entering. douchebag of the week, Bill, I nominate douchebag of the week to be all these schmucks that are in those fucking commercials for companies that can reduce your tax debt. You get these people who are all smiles saying they saved 10 grand. I owe 13,000 in taxes, and now thanks to fuck it if fuck, I only owe 3,000. Now of course, we can all bitch that we pay too much taxes, but to have those assholes smile at the camera and say they got out of paying taxes, that really pisses me off. The rest of us pay 100% of our taxes, and where am I? And we got to sit here and watch you smile at the camera and tell us that you got out of it. Fuck you. Probably turn around right after that commercial and film another one for a lawyer that got them out of paying child support. Fuckin' deadbeats. All right, sir. That advertising worked great because you bought it hook, line, and sinker. Do you honestly think that there's people out there that owe 13,000 in taxes and then because of this fucking group of people that now they only owe 3 grand, and that the federal reserve, the goddamn devil itself, just said, "Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Would you just knock off 85% of your tax debt? We'll just be happy with that." Now I'm not saying that people don't negotiate with deadbeats. They always do. All right, but what basically what that little business is doing, they're not trying to help people out. What they're doing is they realize that when you have a broke ass son of a bitch, at some point the federal reserve, the bankers do have to, the government, they have to tap out and be like, "All right, let's see what we can at least get from this son of a bitch." That's where they step in, and what they do is they negotiate it down for you to a more reasonable sum. But then you owe them money. I haven't even looked into it but I can guarantee you what they do is they just, they take on your debt. They buy your debt from the government and then, you know, and rather than you being enslaved to the government, you're enslaved to them. And you probably, "Yeah, you only owe, yeah, now I only owe three grand at 75% interest to this conglomerate that helped me out. Thank you." What that commercial really should be is that idiot standing there with one of those chains around his neck and the government handing the leash of the chain over to whatever that fucking group is. I'm really sounding dumb at this point. I think I'm basically right. Like you know those people when they consolidate your debt and they make it seem like they go like, "You know, I had $800 a month in credit card bills. Now I only have 125. Thank you, consolidate, debtor, person." Yeah, they just buy all your debt from the credit card companies and they just make your credit card payment lower. But you don't, you still owe the money. So now what you're actually doing is you're paying less a month on the same debt that you owe at a higher interest rate, thus prolonging your indentured servitude. That's basically it. That's for someone who kind of went to college. That's basically what they're doing. They're not, they're helping you out in that you now have a smaller payment. And then what your dumb ass is going to do is you're then going to go out and get some, you're going to go get some more credit card debt and you're going to spend your entire life in debt and you're going to die one day and then they're going to go after your kids. Wow, I'm really fucking hanging by my fingernails on this one, but I think that's basically what they do. Hey, I know I got some people in banking, isn't that what goes on? The only way you get out of paying your debt, I believe, is if you just declare bankruptcy and you tap out. Now, those people annoy the shit out of me because then they just get punished for seven years, but credit card companies never lose. What they then do is they pass it on to guys like myself who actually pay as bill. Those are the people you should get, sorry, you should be more mad at people who declare bankruptcy if you're going to get mad at an individual. But if you really want to get mad at people who don't pay their taxes, you really should look at the fucking ultra rich, you should look at corporations and even then I can't get mad at them because the Federal Reserve is a bunch of crooks. So how do you steal from crooks? I would steal from them if I had enough fucking money to do it on a level where I wasn't going to get caught. I decide if you notice that there's no pictures on the wall in my apartment behind my skimpy little Christmas tree, that's how you stay out of debt legally. That's how you do it. All you people making fun of me because I drive a Prius, I don't give a fuck. It's paid for. Everything is fucking paid for. I have month to month fucking expenses. I am not an indentured servant to anybody. Granted, I only have one television. I don't have air conditioning in my apartment. I have a fucking fan. But anytime I want to take a day off, or take two, three days off in a row, I can do it. To me, that's fucking priceless. I'll tell you what else is priceless, is how easy it was to dispose of my Christmas tree. There's another thing people fuck up, lazy sons of bitches. You go out and you buy your fat shrubs that they cut into with the shape of a Christmas tree. You know, look at my Christmas tree, you talk about how you love it so much and how great it is. You just throw it out in the fucking street. Let somebody else clean it up. Those people annoy me more, sir, than the fucking deadbeats you're talking about. You should see what I did, okay? Not only was my Christmas tree the best Christmas tree I ever had, all right? It was an actual goddamn tree and way less needles, way less needles on the floor. It was lighter, it was way easier to cut up and put into the green plastic bin so they can recycle it naturally, hopefully you don't throw it in the fucking ocean. I should actually take a picture of how much I was able to reduce that thing. I put it in one of those big containers, it took up like the bottom third. That was it. It'll give you guys an opportunity to trash it even more. All right, let's get off my fucking soap boxes. I'm going to be very preachy in the first week of 2011. All right, Bill, 3D. Hey, Bill, what's up, good buddy? It's definitely coming from the south. Tasting you, come on frogs. First off, let me say I've been a fan for years and have all of your stand up on iTunes. Thank you very much, sir, and they have been played hundreds of times on my iPod. You are the shit. Anytime I bitch about doing a free podcast, which I don't do that much anymore, I'm not talking about you. I just discovered the podcast last month, and that's pretty much all I've been listening to for about three weeks, LOL. Anyway, I'd like to... We having a fucking earthquake drill? What is that? Oh, it's my fucking... It's my cell phone. Where is it? See, this is why you shouldn't play drums because you can hear it, but you don't know where it's coming from. What the hell is it? Oh, it's behind the fucking TV. Anyways, let me get back to this shit. This podcast started off with such a promise. Anyways, I'd like to hear your take on 3D movies. Personally, I fucking hate them. It was okay at first, but now every goddamn movie is in 3D. I'm sick of it. I don't need Seth Rogan's fat ass in 3D. That's not a shot at Seth. I actually like him. But you get what I'm saying. I pay $3 more for a fucking ticket and glasses that I can never use again because I have to pay $3 extra every time instead of taking one of the other 20 pairs I already have. Oh, and to top it off, 90% of the movie is not even in 3D. In your words, it's going to be ridiculous. I want to start a ban on 3D movies for another 10 to 20 years. Anyway, that's my little rant. Yeah, 3D movies are totally fucking overrated and Nia said the funniest thing ever. She goes, "I'm so sick of them acting like this is new technology." You know, movies in 3D, they've had them since the 1950s. Granted, the technology, the Avatar shit is much better now, but they initially came up with 3D because of television as far as I remember from something I watched on Turner Classic movies, the people in the movie industry were terrified when television came out. Because they were like, "Oh, they got the movies at home now, they're not going to come out and see us." I mean, just imagine that. How much you would have gone to the movies and how magical they must have been. Did I just say magical? Wow. Thank God there's no other comedian around here. Let's go back to a magical time. This is the one time using the effeminate hacky gay man voice, it's not uncalled for. This is when I should have used it for comedic effect rather than using it as a crutch for the first 10 minutes of this podcast. So let me continue. Let's go back to a magical time, a time before television, whatever. I can't even, I lost my train of fucking thought, but you know what I mean? You just imagine if you had no fucking TV, all right? You had that radio that was the size of your goddamn ice box and you just sat there sitting around it in wonderment, you know? And now you could actually finally go see what the hell you were hearing, you know? The sad thing is they didn't realize that radio was actually better, which I'm telling you. Get serious satellite radio and listen to those old radio plays, especially the dragnet ones. They are the shit. I was staying in my car when I had errands to do listening to, listen to them catch the bad guy. They're the shit. The movie people were so afraid that TV was going to, was just going to make people never go to movie theaters again, that they came out with the 3D technology and they have brought it back, you know, they brought it, you know, people still continue to see movies. I will always continue to see movies. They're awesome. But they brought it back this time around and I'm guessing it's because of the internet and everybody watching everything for fucking free. So sir, if you've ever stole music, if you've ever watched a movie for free, you're kind of the reason why they're doing these 3D movies because they really are making like, what's what is that? Seth Rogen? Green Lantern? Is that what it is? One of those fringe superheroes? I already don't like, I don't like that movie and I love Seth Rogen, but I don't like that movie. I don't like, I don't want to watch a bumbling superhero. Like, "Ugh, what is this gun, huh? Did I just almost shoot my foot off?" I want you to be the shit, all right? Why won't Hollywood show me a guy that makes me want to be that guy? Like they used to back in the day. I'm so sick of every, they're even making superheroes like nerdy and unsure of themselves. Spider-Man was never nerdy and unsure of himself. He had a fucking smoking hot, tits and ass, raven-haired fucking beauty that he was banging every night. He wasn't afraid of shit. They used to pretend to be nerds. That was their alter ego where they sat there, you know, Clark and, "Ooh, hey, are you?" Like the white guy on all those death jam bits, Peter Parker, you know, walking around with this stupid, you know, getting yelled at by Jameson, where he could have just shot some fucking cobwebs right into his goddamn mouth, now that they got, they got to make him every man. I'm sick of it. I've had enough of this. It's a goddamn disease in this business, all right? And I don't know. He started off great with those Judd Apatow movies. I loved 40-year-old Virgin. Those were all great. And then Holly was just like, "Oh, let's just do that and only that forever. I'm sick of it. Enough already. I want a superhero who's the shit. I want to see, you know, what happened to those guys? Everybody's a fucking nerd now." You know what? I think this is the beginning of the end of the nerd. I think the nerd has had its run on TV and on cinema. I mean, they have so explored the nerd on that show, The Office, that half the people on there, they're playing borderline retarded. You know, there's like two characters on The Office who sit around with their mouths hanging open when they're not even talking. And that's just, I can't fucking watch it. I'm sick of it. You know? There needs to be more. They got to swing it back to fucking Animal House, Caddy Shack. You know, how funny was Chevy Chase and Caddy Shack? Guy was the shit. He had $100,000 checks laying around. He's banging all these hot brads and he was still fucking funny. I don't understand what do they think. I saw the trailer for, is it Green Hornet, Green Lantern? I don't know what the, Green Lantern, that sounds really wrong to me now. If you guys know anything about me, I can never get the fucking names right. Green Hornet? Is that what it is? Okay. And I've gone on YouTube a long time ago, just because I was interested in the car. I believe it's a Chrysler Imperial. And he was the shit and Bruce Lee was his sidekick. That's how much of the shit that guy was. Bruce Lee was his Robin. All right? And you fast forward it 45 fucking years. Now, the Asian dude is looking at Green Lantern and as far as I can tell, Seth Rogen is basically going to be like the white cop on fucking Sanfernan son. What's going off? How does this gun work? Wow, that was a big explosion. You know, he's like the, that, that mousy black girl in police academy. You know, is he going to have the don't move dirt bag move at the end of the movie when he finally grows in to being a superhero? Let me guess. He has to save the Asian. So you have a little bit of fucking wax on wax off there. Is that what the fuck's going on? You know what? Fuck that movie. Not fuck Seth Rogen. I love Seth Rogen, but fuck that movie. I'm not going to go see it. I don't want to see, you know, Seth Rogen, he finally, he gets himself in shit. People still call him a fat ass. He isn't. He got himself in shape. He gets to play a superhero. He earned it and he still has to play this wishy washy, unsure of himself. You know, ah, the fuck that movie. Anyways, you know what I saw that I liked? I saw, I told you the fighter was great and then I saw Jesus Christ, the fuck. Keep on to say dead wood. The fuck is the name of that movie? True grit. Great fucking movie. Great movie and it was actually, I thought, way too short. Absolutely love that movie. Highly recommend that. I'm going to go see black swan because Nia has been raving about that. I got to check that one out and, okay, we're well over an hour here, but I'm enjoying myself. I got nothing better to do. I'm rested coming off the holiday break here. Let's look here. The responses to Vegas sucks. I remember last week that kid was saying how Vegas is overrated and I was telling him when he was missing the boat and I wanted people to chime in with some of their Vegas stories. Well, here we go. Vegas sucks. Hey, Bill, me and my two best friends went to Vegas last summer. We planned the trip for a couple of months, but one of my friends had to let his wife, had to lie to his wife and told her he was going to work, to work a convention, go to a work convention in Reno. Sorry. I have dyslexia people. It was basically like that guy in the hangover. By the way, this is going out to everybody who thinks Vegas sucks. He was going to a work convention in Reno. It was basically like that guy in the hangover, the one who lies to his bitchy wife. Anyway, so he lied to her, but trust me, she's one of those stay-at-home moms with one kid and thinks it's the hardest fucking job in the world. One of those twats, so I totally understand why he would lie and how he feels, and how he feels. Okay, just in my defense, this is written in all capitals with no punctuation, so I can't tell where it ends. Now, anyways, so we drive out to Vegas and proceed to have a fucking blast. I throw down and win big on Blackjack about $5,600, so I'm ecstatic and fucking in the best move ever, walking around with my drink and my money, singing Frank Sinatra and all that shit. It was great. So as I'm walking around the planet Hollywood, I meet a couple of ladies and just like your last podcast where your friend just walked up and said, "Hey, suck my dick." It was basically, it basically went down like that. These girls were hot, drunk, and horny, so long story short, I meet up with my friends and go back to the hotel room. Yes, see, these aren't even hookers. We get tipsy and bang the fuck out of these girls. Now, my friend hadn't had sex, he said, for almost six months. So not only does this free my friend's mind and body, which are built up with resentment of his job, his bitchy wife, et cetera, it fucking starts to scare him, and he starts getting paranoid like flipping out, going, "Fuck." She knows. She's going to know. "Dude, why didn't you write this better so I could read it?" You asshole. He's going, "Fuck." She knows. She knows. She's going to know. I lost all my money. She's going to know. I fucked some slut and just freaking out doing all that shit you do when you cheat on your bitch wife who doesn't fuck you anyways. So what he proceeds to do in a state of panic and fear is take a knife and make a couple of cuts under his eyes and scratches his face and tells me to punch him. I'm just like laughing like, "What the fuck, man?" He then bangs his head into the wall and continues scratching the fuck out of his face. He tells me he's trying to make it look like he got beat up and robbed and he made up this whole lie about he got jumped outside the casino because he didn't want to go home to his wife with no money and banging some sluts on his mind and he really fucked up his face pretty good. It did look like he got the shit kicked out of him. So anyways, don't ever write in all capitals people. What the hell am I? So anyways, cut to the next day when we leave and the whole way home, we're giving him shit about it and making fun of him because it's just fucking ridiculous. Exactly. Why don't you tell your fucking wife to go to hell? So we get home, I help him get his bag and we walk up the door and as we're walking up his wife pops open the door with this fucking evil heinous look and there's this awkward silence for like five to six seconds. Well, we're just fucking standing there frozen and then he said, "Hi honey." She fucking looks at his face and without even caring what happened to his face or anything, she says, "You fucked some dumb whore, didn't you?" You know why because the idiot, you guys should have backed him. There was five to six seconds of silence there which made no sense. You guys weren't fucked up at all. He should have called when he was in Reno and said, "I got jumped, I got mugged, I'm coming home." I went outside to have a smoke or whatever the fuck he did, where somehow you weren't around your friends. You guys fucked up. He basically fucked up his face and you guys just laughed at him and then you just stood there like audience members waiting to see if his wife could figure out what she basically did. But anyways, see sir, this happens in Vegas. Like you think to hang over in his exaggeration chair, it's exaggeration with the tigers and that type of shit, but it's not overrated. I'll give you another one here. Bill, I work for a small business in Portland, Oregon and once a year my boss flies all of us out to Vegas. Just about everything, the flight, the hotel and the food. We just have to pay for whatever we gamble and anything else we do. In other words, get hookers. I've been on two of these trips so far. The first time nothing special happens. Just saw the touristy shit, lost a bunch of money to the slot machines and flew home with a severe hangover. The next year we flew out. I was determined to find some of the seedier corners of Vegas and I came out a winner. On the second night there, me and one of my coworkers set out to visit some of the older off the strip casinos, hoping to save some money and see some shit. He wanted to stop by the Hard Rock Hotel first so he went there. Is that considered old at this point? Gammeled a bit and went out front to catch a cab to another casino. After about half an hour of standing in a ridiculous line of meatheads and future date rape victims, we got in a cab driven by a Hispanic dude who will remain nameless. The guy I was with spoke Spanish, so they talked to each other for about 15 minutes and I didn't understand a word of it. That my coworker looked at me and said, massage and happy ending is $120. Apparently, the cab driver knew a place that gave full service massage and got a cut for bringing new customers in. See, sir? You got to talk to the cab drivers too. Don't just go take me to the fucking mirage because that's all there do to start talking to them. You've been out here. What is there to do out here? He'll be like, well, what do you want to get into? Gee, I don't know. Kind of have stiff neck if you know what I mean and then you're in. So anyways, so we drove about 20 minutes off the strip while I was getting suspicious, thinking we were about to have our kidney stolen. Eventually, we pulled up to this little Asian massage parlor. We went inside and all over the walls. There were signs saying services includes massage only. Sexual services are illegal in the city of Las Vegas. The lady at the counters sent each of us into our separate rooms and told us to take her clothes off. I went in and did so and sat on a massage table for about 10 minutes with a towel around my waist before a little Asian lady came in and brought me across the hall into another room. There was a plastic table in this room as well with one of those blow up pool, blow up pool bed floating things on it. I would have got freaked out by that. She laid me down on this and took out a towel and spent the next 15 minutes giving me a full body sponge bath. Then we went back into the other room and over the next hour gave me a massage like I was an ex-South East Asian prostitute, like only an ex-South East Asian prostitute could. After this, after this was done, she asked me if I wanted more services. Of course I said, of course I said yes. This was done. God damn it, I was doing so well with this one. She asked for another $100 and ended up talking her down to $60. Oh, you tight bastard. I never can talk or hook her down. That's Jesus Christ. She put lotion on her hands and started jerking me off once it blew, she wiped me off with a hot towel. It was fucking great. For an $180 I got a full sponge bath, a great massage, a couple of little Asian hands on my dick, all of this because the right cab picked us up. There you go, sir. So you can have a good time. You can have a good time in Vegas. All right. You went out there. You did what I did. You just looked at what you saw. You got to talk. You got to ask around. And with that, is that the podcast for this week? I really have to, I got to do one more advice thing here though. All right, Bill, I'm going crazy with some family shit. My mom is, my mom has this drunk for a boyfriend, oh Jesus. And he's just fucking crazy. Just before New Year's, New Year's Eve, like three days before he gets drunk at his mother's house and comes back over to our house fucked up talking some shit, like some motherfucker off of one flu over the cuckoo's nest or some, or some shit like that and snaps because my mom is asleep and he wants someone to talk to. He then jets outsides, cuts the dish with the fucking axe, oh, he cut your, your cable? Your satellite dish? Now I can't watch my fucking Giants play, all my blue jackets play. This pisses off my mother. She calls and says she's done with him for three whole fucking days. I'm thinking 2011 is going to be sweet. No more crazy as shit going down below and behold, he comes back on the first. Looks like a sad little puppy asked my mother for forgiveness and she does. Now I can't account for 20 fucking times he has done some crazy shit said sorry and she forgave him. So I was sick of it and says, this look, mom, this guy has to go. She cussed me out and said, I should go laugh because she couldn't and then laugh because she could have such no, oh, I laughed, you forgot to write I, I laughed because she could have such a notion to kick me out over a drunk. I am only 18. I stay at home. Should I stay at home and finish school or just leave for some big city and rough it? Or could I make my mother see? He is no good. All right. No, do not leave finish school. All right. And number two, I don't know how to put this, you can't, you can't make your mother not like this guy. You can't make her have some sort of self esteem. You can't make that guy not be a drunk. You're really powerless at that. All you can do is tell your mother, just say it in a nice way, totally avoid an argument and do not lose your temper. Just say, look, because I'm, I'm having a feeling that you didn't come up to your mother and say, look, you know, you deserve better than this guy. You deserve a guy who treats you better than this. You deserve a guy who has, has the, you know, the common decency not to come over and be shit faced and freak out her and her son. You just have to say it in like a nice way and say your peace. And after that, it's on her. All right. If she chooses misery, then there's nothing you can do about it. But don't alter your life and make your life fucking horrible because of the choice that she made. Finish school, get some sort of a game plan, try to figure out what you want to do in life and just start gravitating towards that direction. Find positive motive, motivated people to hang out with, stay away from drinking in drugs. It's a fast track to being a loser, like you're at a crucial moment in your fucking life. All right, the worst thing you could do is not finish school and then just go rough it out in a city, man. That would be an awful thing to do. So finish school, you know, try to get into college and just hang around with good positive people who came from good positive families. So I can tell you and just try to go down that route, even though you've seen what not to do in life. And I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be fucking hard because I hung out with a bunch of, you know, I grew up around crazy, cynical, negative people. And I went out the world and I gravitated towards those people until, you know, it took me 20 years to figure out, oh, there's other kinds of people out there. So I don't know, I was too fucking tired to answer that goddamn question. I did send you an email. So I hope you can pace that together, I'm really tapping out. See, this is why I can never be Dr. Phil, because an hour and 20 minutes in, I'm fucking tired. Finish school, all right. And figure out what you want to do and just, or the direction you want to go in and just stay in that fucking direction and don't, don't, don't, don't start drinking and don't start doing the drugs. Don't have pride and be like, well, I'll show my mother. I'm going to move out and then that'll hurt her. And then she'll realize that she actually loves me and that she shouldn't have done that. And then when she calls up for forgiveness, I'll tell her to go fuck herself, you know, and I'll continue living with this fucking transvestite or whatever the hell you're going to live at 18 years of age with no high school or college education, because that's, that's the life you're going to be choosing over the next five fucking years. You don't want to do that, all right. That's it. Good luck and I don't want the fuck to tell you. That really sucked. All right. I, you know what? I'm not going to go this long. You know what it is? This podcast kind of went off the rails because ever since that phone has been ringing, I'm taping another podcast today with somebody who I think you guys are going to find is a very interesting guest and the whole time I've been panicking like, did he call me? And I've been trying to wrap up this podcast, but I've been trying to get everything in. And now I'm continuing even further by talking about why it's going on so long. So that's it. That's the podcast for this year. I mean, for this week, happy new year, hope you guys have a great year. And that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. [BLANK_AUDIO]