Part 1 of 1
Read the full text, and the show notes, at http://flashpulp.com
Tonight, Mulligan Smith, PI, discusses an odd series of incidents in a local Walmart.
The Skinner Co. Network
FP306 - Mulligan Smith in Customs and Customers, Part 1 of 1
Some days, gloomy, my hours are slumberless Dearest, the shadows I live with find nonetheless Little white flowers will never awaken you Not where the bright coach is all I'm taking you Angels have no fire ever returning you Or they're the angry of fires that'll join in you Welcome to FlashPulp, episode 306 This evening we present Mulligan Smith in Customs and Customers Part 1 of 1 This week's episodes are brought to you by the Hollywood Outsider Yes, we know there's a million podcasts out there But there's only one Hollywood Outsider Every week, your hoes, Aaron, Brian, Justin and Scott Put their own spin on the latest in movie and TV news New and upcoming releases Topics that are on ours or our listeners minds And hell, we even throw in some trivia Where you can win a cavalcade of imaginary prizes Most importantly, we have fun doing it So come take a listen, Hollywood Outsider is available on iTunes, Zoom, Stitcher Radio, or at vhollywoodoutsider.com FlashPulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age Three to ten minutes of fiction Brought to you Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings Tonight, Mulligan Smith, P.I. discusses an odd series of incidents in a local Walmart Mulligan Smith in Customs and Customers Written by J.R.D. Skinner Art and narration by Opoponax An audio produced by Jessica May While Mark Mike was saying, "Oh yeah, I knew a matchbook pro back in the day" Burned down an entire fried chicken chain in nearly 60s The truth is, without the internet, people talk to each other less back then Especially insurance companies So what? Huh, yeah, I guess we got those You'd have to go check with electronics Have a nice day Mulligan knew it had been a long day for Mike The news had run through the old man network that loited on mall benches and in McDonald's youths, and eventually reached the P.I.'s father, who then passed it on to his son Even now, hours after the incident, the ex-con's face was unusually drawn He perked up, however, at the sight of Smith lingering in the parking lot Peeling off his smock, an action Mulligan knew he referred to as "going undercover" Mike threw a hand sign to his manager that obviously meant, "I'm taking a minute" Then strolled past the line of chopped keyball dispensing change collectors and through the automatic doors You wouldn't believe what a dog crap and huckleberry hash this morning's turned out to be, he said as a hello Smith shot him a questioning look, as if he hadn't already heard the tale The ability to sincerely raise an eyebrow was, Mulligan felt, an essential tool of the business Look, I'm as much a feminist as the next guy, but this morning was a test on my well-heeled social inclinations, you know what I'm fuckin' sayin'? Unwilling to interrupt, Smith simply shrugged The aging greeter continued his tale A bunch of goddamn college freshmen came in here, well, three of them, and they recorded a video on their phones, like it's the fuckin' zoo Assholes wore dress like they've found their clothes at a saloon hand, but they all think that Jeff Goldblum wandered into Jurassic Park Things were busy though, every Saturday is a rocker full of chickens, really I didn't have time to go yak and hire ups over some like tourists That is at least an elderly couple with maybe ten teeth between 'em and trodden by He'd been wound up about some remark they'd been made with on his shoes, but Jeff found kinda funny considering his dental situation We can't have hassle in the customers, and he didn't take much listening to figure out the problem with the trio with donkey fondless I wonder what way from my post for a while, if we're gonna go have a look and see what kind of woods you need to use to scare the shit out of trust fund, kid And I find them still recording in the infant section Now there's this lady, she's got five runs, don't ring on her finger And she looked like she was makin' her work on less than I do alone Not that every woman was a quiet domestic when I was a brad, but Well, things are different now, you'd never see a lady like that then I mean, she wasn't likely a shameless tailor, but she carried herself like she was worth more than the sweatpants she was wearing She didn't look like she'd come up from the best places, but you could tell she'd learned something of fear and courage, but we're not to take shit Now you see, the second youngest is starter plans the slum and cameras Tuckin' behind the rack of baby carriers and peekin' at them And all of the while, the clueless rich kids are keepin' an educational wildlife commentary goin' Talkin' like the kid was a rare baboon Nothin' clever either, stuff about how they could smell a shit down wind How the baby and the stroller might be his, that sorta thing If it was 76, I'd probably broke one of their knees, let the other two go through the trouble of having to drag 'em off and explain what happened But hell, if it were 96, I'd have probably walked away without sayin' anything So what does time count? Mike took a moment to clear his throat and wet the pavement Mama caught on to the irony and wasn't pleased She considered the situation, way to surround us, and said, "You talk to my wounds like that again, you'll be leavin' up muncha' harem guards" Heh, I don't even think they knew what she meant Just started in on the laziest sorta name callin', you know? White trash welfare queen, honestly that par hasn't changed much since I was young Anyhow, as I mentioned, I'm as big a feminist as the next guy I know she could have handled her herself, clearly bein' a modern woman and all But god damn, sometimes the guys just gotta get a bit chivalrous I turn to the pillow beside me and grab the intercom phone "Security," I say, "we have three pedophiles in the kids section" The tourists realize I'm standin' right at 'em as I'm talkin', and they start runnin' for the doors They got their phones out of panic on their face Yeah, they look guilty enough to hang At that point, there's this cowboy in jeans and leather boots who's comin' down the aisle from the electronics He looks at me, looks at them, and puttin' two and two together figures he's gonna play TJ Hooker He knocked over a rock at discount shirts doin' it But he managed to grab the slowest We ain't supposed to touch the customers for legal reasons But we can't stop them from tackling each other The guy in front turns back, thinkin' maybe he'll help his friend And even that seconder hesitation is enough that they're swarmed by managers, maintenance guys, and the lost prevention team Eventually they went home, but not without doin' a bit of sad, sad crying in front of some uniforms For my part, I said I must've misunderstood the situation and played dumb Just like every other time I talked to someone totin' a badge Before that though, you know what happens? I'm standing next to the mom, Bonnie And we're watchin' the guy in his vintage band shirt rollin' around with the crime fightin' goth brooks I'm busy cookin' up the lies all I need to tell so is not to lose my job And she turns around and asks me what I'm doin' Saturday Says her sister owes her a favor And she makes a mean chicken pop pie If I'd like to come over She didn't say like she was extending a Sunday dinner invite to a grandpa on neither Well she's younger than me by twenty-five years but Hell I don't know She is a modern woman Flashpulp is presented by flashpulp.com It is released under the Canadian Creative Commons attribution non-commercial 2.5 license Text and audio commentaries can be sent to scare@skinner.fm or the voicemail line at 206-338-2792 But be aware that they may appear in a future flash cast We'd also like to thank the Freesound Project, found at freesound.org For a full listing of effects used during the show As well as credits for the users who provided them Please check this episode's notes at flashpulp.com And thanks to you for listening If you enjoyed the show, please tell your friends [Music] [Music] [Music]