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Tonight, due to illness, and thanks to the kind heart of David “Doc Blue” Wendt, we have the pleasure of presenting a holiday tale featuring the familiar cast of the Doc’s FlashCast favourite.
The Skinner Co. Network
FPGE14 - Doc Azrael Presents... Do Not Open Until Krampusnacht
[Music] Welcome to Flashpulp, guest episode 14. Doc Asriel presents, "Do Not Open Until Grumpus Knocked." This episode is brought to you by Doc_Blue on Twitter. We appreciate the holiday cheer, Doc. [Music] Flashpulp is an experiment in broadcasting fresh pulp stories in the modern age. Three to ten minutes of fiction brought to you Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. Tonight, due to illness and thanks to the kind heart of David Doc_Blue went, we have the pleasure of presenting a holiday tale featuring the familiar cast of the Doc's Flashcast favorite. Doc Asriel presents, "Do Not Open Until Crumpus Knocked." [Music] Doris Corley set down the package she was examining when she heard her husband pull into the driveway. Grabbing the sprig of mistletoe, she had set aside earlier the young woman rose to greet him by the door. As usual, Ronald was late for dinner, but this particular evening he looked more haggard than normal. The man halfheartedly returned his wife's holiday greeting before pushing his way inside and settling heavily into his chair. The policeman looked bewildered by the array of boxes scattered about the living room. Let's all this, hon. We were going to decorate tonight, remember? We wanted to have everything in place before St. Nicholas Day. Ronald sighed deeply, "Was that tonight?" He struggled to his feet and reached for a string of lights, "We'll have to work fast. I've got to get back downtown." Doris put her hand on her husband's arm, "Why, what's happened?" The young detective dropped the lights and absolutely placed his hand on her stomach. It looks like someone is trying to start a gang war. Someone has taken the children of some of the most powerful crime families in the district. Ronald's chest heaved as he took a deep breath, and naturally they're all blaming each other. He roamed about the small living room and continued talking. But honestly, the increased tensions aren't the worst part of it, not for me. It's that none of the evidence makes any sense. Ronald examined a red cloak that Doris had left draped over a chair. The young woman took her husband by the hand and guided him to the kitchen table. She prepared a plate of food for him while he related the rest of the tale. There was no sign of footprints at any other crime scenes. Well, not shoe prints. We did find what looked like oversized hoof prints. One of my men claimed they were goat hooves, but they're way too big. And where would you find goats here in the district? And even if they were somehow goat prints, they come in pairs, and they start and stop abruptly as if the perp leapt into the walled compounds and out again. Ronald paused to shovel some meatloaf into his mouth. This was incredible honey, as always. And that's the other thing. All these kids had bodyguards, of course. But the guards were all found strangled. All except for one who was clearly delirious from lack of oxygen, or worse. And he claims he was attacked by a goat man who used a long tongue to strangle him. I mean, really, a prehensile tongue long enough to strangle one of these no necks? My best guess is that it's a hired assassin, a real pro. Using a whip, probably wearing a gas mask. Probably using some sort of narcotic gas, the first responders reported an odd scent at the crime scenes. Ronald gulped down the rest of his meal in thoughtful silence. Then after standing and seen his wife on the cheek, he headed for the door. Don't wait up, D. It's gonna be a late one. He looked once more at the decoration boxes strewn around the room. We'll put all this up over the weekend, I promise. Doris Corley watched out the curtain with front window until her husband's car had pulled out of the driveway and disappeared around the corner. She then returned to the gift rent package she had been examining when he arrived. Looking at the gift card once more, she removed a carefully and tucked it into her pocket. Then the mother to be tore open the package to reveal a quiver of arrows. Doris slid one of the weapons out to examine it. It does not cold iron this time, but instead ornately carved. Carefully inscribed on the shaft were the words "benung numene" and there was an ancient Latin cross on the arrowhead. Replacing the arrow in its sheath, she noticed a piece of paper tucked among the querrals. Unfolding the parchment revealed an ornately drawn map with a location clearly marked with an eye circumscribed by an air triangle. She laid her hand upon her stomach and spoke to her unborn child. Looks like we're going hunting tonight. Several hours later, Detective Ronald Corley found himself at an abandoned sawmill with a squad of officers. An anonymous tip had correctly indicated that they would find the kidnapped children at this location along with their incapacitated abductor. Questioning the children had been largely pointless. Although happily indicated the elderly man whom the police had found bound near piled newspaper clippings as their kidnapper, their stories about their rescue were useless. The vigilante who had saved them was either tall or short, fat or really skinny or in black. No, I think it was green and had arrived either on a motorcycle or flying reindeer. Ronald wasn't happy, but he had to attribute the deception to their upbringing. And their families learning to keep a secret was important as learning to walk. After releasing the children to their families, Corley went through the newspaper clippings and books they had found on the scene. According to the clippings, the kidnapper had been heavily involved with the families of the victims nearly 40 years earlier. The kidnapper and their grandfathers had pulled off a major bank heist, but his partners had rented him out and gotten off scap-free. So it's revenge then. That at least made sense to the young officer. He then thumbed through some of the old books about a cult lore that had also been found on the scene when one of the other policemen approached him. Detective Corley, we've been all over this place with a fine-toothed comb and the only thing we found was this. Corley took the small card that was offered to him and turned it over. He read the inscription aloud. Do not open until Crump is knocked. Flashpulp is presented by flashpulp.com and is released under the Canadian Creative Commons Attribution Non-commercial 2.5 License. Text and audio commentaries can be sent to skier@skinner.fm or the voicemail line at 206-338-2792. But be aware that they may appear in a future flashcast. We'd also like to thank the Free Sound Project found at freesound.org. For a full listing of effects used during the show, as well as credits for the users who provided them, please check this episode's notes at flashpulp.com. And thanks to you for listening. If you enjoyed the show, please tell your friends. [Music]