Ask Pastor John
When Love Wanes, the Marriage Covenant Remains
(upbeat music) Well, from dating last time to talking about marriage today, marriage is a beautiful institution designed by God to point the world to Christ and to His bride. One wedding at a time, marriage exists for us because God decreed that Christ would purchase His bride, the church. And because of sin, that church, that fallen bride must be redeemed from her ugly sin and be made beautiful in holiness. It's an amazing drama played out in history and in our lives. And it's a drama played out in harmonious marriages and one played out even in hard marriages too. Painful marriages are no less reflective of God's plan. And so we have several episodes now on marriage challenges which you can see gathered of all those APJ episodes and summarize them into one digest in the APJ book, one whole section just on this topic of hard marriages on pages 197 to 221. And today, Pastor John joins us over the phone for a question from a perplexed father who wrote us anonymously. Pastor John, hello, I write to you because my adult son wants to get a divorce from his wife. They've been married for two years and have a one year old son and a newborn baby girl of only 10 days old. I am totally perplexed by the timing. I don't understand why he feels unhappy but he claims he is, quote, no longer in love with his wife anymore. What would you say to someone who has, quote, fallen out of love with our spouse and why that's no grounds for divorce? - Well, what I would say to them face to face would depend partly on their demeanor but I don't have him face to face. And so I'm just gonna say what I think he probably needs to hear whether I would say it exactly like this. I don't know, but here we go. We would be naive, I think, to suppose that people, young or old, our own children or those of others will act on the basis of reason and biblical truth when it comes to justifying divorce. I would guess that 95 cases out of 100 people do what they want to do and then find reasons to do it, especially those who claim to believe the Bible, find biblical reasons to do it. They just know what they're gonna do. They wanna do it to do it. So we should be realistic as we talk to people and we should pray. I think that's the greatest realism, pray and fast that God would do what our biblical arguments and reasonings by themselves could never do. But having said that, I totally believe in speaking the truth in love because it's God's way. It's God's design that people should know the truth and the truth would set them free. And that context is free from sin, like leaving your wife. So I would hang my thoughts on three words, joy, significance and ownership. I would try to make those three words as compelling and win some as I can, but also as forceful as Jesus and the apostles did for the sake of staying married. So let me say a word about what I mean by joy, significance and ownership. Joy, I would say to this young man who wants a divorce because he's not in love. Oh, what joy lies ahead for those who do not break their covenant even when their hearts are broken. And here's what I mean. I believe that most couples who stay married for 50 or 60 years fall in and out of love numerous times. And I say that would not the slightest hit of trying to be funny. It is in my judgment almost ludicrous to think that we experience as being in love for the entire 60 years what we felt at the beginning of that relationship. That's just utterly crazy. It is not Eve and immature to think that staying married is mainly about staying in love. In a relationship between two sinners forced to live as close as married couples live. It is naive to think that every season will be one of warmth and sweetness and sexual romance. That's just contrary to almost the entire history of the world and contrary to every make up a fallen human nature. Staying married is not first about staying in love. It's about covenant keeping, promise keeping, being a man and woman of your word. A man and woman who keep the vows to be committed for better or for worse. A man and a woman of character. That's what it's about. This covenant keeping relates to being in love the way gardening in the fall relates to roses in the spring. This is why I said a minute ago, oh what joy lies ahead for those who do not break their covenant even when their hearts are broken. The modern world of self-centeredness and self-exaltation and self-expression have taken the normal 50 year process of falling in and out of love and turned it into a 50 year process of multiple divorces and remarriages. That pattern has not and will not bear the fruit of joy. It leaves a trail of misery in the soul and misery along the generations. Marriage is the hardest relationship to stay in and the one that promises glorious, unique, durable joys for those who have the character to keep their covenant. So that's what I mean by joy. Here's what I mean by significance. God offers to husbands and wives the highest possible significance for their marriage relationship by showing them what its greatest and most glorious meaning is. Namely, the replication in the world of the covenant relationship between Christ and His bride, the church. That's what the highest meaning of marriage is. There is no higher, more glorious, more significant, conception of marriage than the one that Paul portrays in Ephesians 5, a parable of the greatest, strongest, deepest, sweetest, richest relationship in the universe, the blood-bought union between Christ, the Son of God and His bride, the church. That's the meaning, that's the significance of marriage. And I would just say to this young man that you are acting or about to act on one of the lowest views of marriage. Not one of the highest, one of the lowest views of marriage if you divorce because you don't feel love anymore. There is nothing noble, nothing great, nothing beautiful, nothing high, nothing truly significant about such a motive. What does it say about Christ, the model of a man's commitment in marriage? What does it say if he forsakes his wife because he doesn't feel like staying anymore? What does it say about Christ? That's the issue. Marriage is an act of worship. It's a display of the price and the preciousness of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His church. Covenant-keeping in marriage glorifies Christ and the blood He shed to possess a bride forever. We cannot even conceive of a greater significance of marriage than the one God has given. And lastly, the word ownership, what do I mean by ownership? What I mean by ownership is that the union between a man and a woman isn't theirs to break. They didn't create it, they can't break it. It's not theirs. Jesus said, "What, therefore, God has joined together, let not man separate." It's another sign of the man-centeredness and contemporary self-centeredness of Christianity that a young couple would have the mindset that they created the union called marriage and therefore they can break it. They didn't create it, they can't break it. God made it, God breaks it with death. Or, as I think Paul would say, you are free to break your marriage covenant when Christ breaks His covenant with His bride. So for the sake of maximum long-term joy and for the sake of the deepest and highest significance and for the sake of the maker and owner of your union, keep your covenant. Oh, what joy lies ahead beyond anything you can presently imagine for those who keep their covenant, even when their hearts are broken. - Yeah, what does it say about Christ, the model of a man's commitment in marriage? What does it say if he forsakes his wife because he doesn't feel like staying anymore? Think best John for your willingness to address these hard questions in what we see in the grace of the gospel to unlovable sinners like us, like me. Hard marriages do not fail to reflect the grace of Christ's love for His twisted bride. It's an amazing point and for more here, for a digest of "ABJ" episodes on hard marriages, see the "ABJ" book on pages 197 to 221, so much to untangle in the complexities of marital strife. It's required dozens of episodes and I've attempted to keep all of them straight for you. And thanks for joining us today. Have a question to ask Pastor John, find a link to email us and find our complete episode archive at askpesterjohn.com. Every episode with audio and full transcripts available for you all the time. We turn our attention to work next time and hear from a Christian man who leads a construction crew. Can my construction company help build a casino? Or are some projects off limits for a Christian contractor? Topic that touches all sorts of secular business decisions. That's up next, I'm Tony Ranky, we'll see you on Thursday. [BLANK_AUDIO]