The guys discuss when infidelity can turn deadly if you refuse to look up, how a slow friend is not to be used as a speed bump when running from a bear, and why an overworked robot who’s never invited to happy hour should be denied access to stairwells.
That Checks Out
Olympic Mustaches and “Hillbilly-Walking”
The guys discuss when infidelity can turn deadly if you refuse to look up, how a slow friend is not to be used as a speed bump when running from a bear, and why an overworked robot who’s never invited to happy hour should be denied access to stairwells.
- Duration:
- 57m
- Broadcast on:
- 29 Jul 2024
- Audio Format:
- mp3
- Wow. - Hey, I did it. - Well, did you see that? - Like, clock's not running, so I can start. - I did it, yeah we can't, we gotta wait. - We gotta wait, blue numbers are zero. - Hello everybody, welcome to That Check's Out, with Damon and Ted. I'm Ted, that makes him, Damon and I apologize in advance. Damon, how was your week? - Apologize for who, for the clock not running? - No, for you. - Oh, okay, I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha. - Hey, my week was good, so get that. - So the opinions of David Proccio are not the opinions of that Check's Out, that'll see. - For all you have. - Okay, you don't have to do that too. - No, I do. - Wow, legally probably does. - Let's come back, move. - Yeah, tell him he doesn't have to do that. - Right up the gate, let's come back. All right, hey, I went, we had a work party and for some big accomplishment. - Yeah. - And we went to a place that had horse dancing. - Okay. - Horse dancing. - Horse dancing. - No money, that's pony in the corners. - What's that? - That were you dancing with the horses? - Well, I thought so, but none of 'em would, I couldn't cut in. - Yeah, they put Damon in the corner. - Yeah, nobody puts Damon in the corner. But anyway, these ponies come in and they're like doing all this dance. They have to crank the music way high, right? And then they come in and they're doing all that. It was very cool. So I took Nicole and Chuck and Miss, right? Now, behind a curtain, I'm eating different than everybody else right now in my family. And this was authentic Mexican food, right? Really good looking stuff. I probably got eight plates of tacos for my family. I ate zero, I believe Chuck threw down 10 by himself. 10, they put two per plate. - You're gonna have to do the math on that. - Yeah, yeah. - 'Cause I got eight plates, Chuck ate 10. That wasn't math. - Chuck ate 10 tacos, there's two tacos per plate. Anyway, so then what was funny is it's like, you know how your kids, they're at a certain age where it's like, hey, this is cool, but it's not, when do we go, right? - Yeah. - And I'm like, we're just kind of hanging bonded. So my daughter, she didn't really come out of her shell. And I'm like, okay. So I go up and I get her a sprite, right? And she loves kidding cocktails. ♪ Prokio, teeny zone, prokio ♪ - She wouldn't come out. - Daughter in a half shell, not coming out, not coming out. Even if there was pizza, she wasn't coming out. - Not even for chicken tenders. - So it's funny, so I go up, I go up and I get her a sprite. I go, hey, how about a sprite? And their cola was royal crown. Not a cocor, I go take cocor pep, she's like, we have RC. - Is RC okay? - Like that's a, that's a hard pass. - That's a stretch, that's a stretch. Well, I gave it to Chuck, it didn't really matter. I got one of each 'cause I didn't know which one she wanted. So fast forward, I'm sitting there, my phone dings. I'm sitting two people over from my daughter. Yeah, my phone dings, hey fam, how about you go grab me some more sprite and some more tacos? (laughs) And it says, I gang, that's what it says. 'Cause we like to send each other stupid stuff, right? I look down and I look up and I'm like, and she's smiling, I'm like, well, she's smiling, here we go. So I go up and I get her a sprite, I get kitty cocktail. 'Cause we were joking about how she likes those. I come back to the table, I said at times, 'cause what's this? Kitty cocktail. She's like, oh, okay. 'Cause I didn't really want one. So-- - I asked for a sprite fam. - Yeah, so I give her the sprite and the kitty cocktail. Guess which one disappears first? Not the sprite. Okay. - I'm gonna assume this yearly people live 'cause I call it. - So then later on, I ended up giving her two more of those. You know, I was like, you might be trying-- - You're trying to get in your spot or drunk? - Yeah, you might be driving. But what I was saying is it was very cool to watch these horses. They come out in these like Jane Fonda leg bands, like leg warmers, they're orange, right? And the guys riding 'em, and he's kind of just like holding on because they're bouncing and bouncing and bouncing. And then this dude comes through with one of them lassos, you know what I'm talking about? - Yeah. - And he starts jumping through the lasso and doing everything. And I look when he takes his hat off, dude, he's older than me and you. I'm like-- - Yeah, they don't teach those skills anymore. - Yeah, but I'm looking at that going, there's no way, if we train for the next five years, there's no way we could do that. - It falls. - You think so? - Yeah. - Five years? - Sure. - Five years. - Yeah. - Are you willing to make a commitment? - Am I going to do it? - Are you willing to buy a lasso? Are you willing to make a commitment? - No. - I have spurs. Those are purchase on me. - I'm offended off the top that you have the opinion that we are no longer physically capable of doing stuff. - Well, not lassoing. What are you gonna lasso? - Why not? - You can't, you're not gonna jump through a lasso. - You're not. - You might be able to do it, who? - All right, let's-- - Okay, but you're not gonna-- - I guess Damon's buying a lasso. - I'll buy a lasso, okay? So five years, what's today? I don't know 'cause it's July 15th. - July 15th? - 2024 in the year of our Lord. - Okay, so 2029, you better be ready. By the way, you're not gonna be younger five years from now. - I'm practicing about June, 2029. - 2029, yeah. So that was pretty much my fun week. I do have a debt to me too, can I give that? - Yeah, please. - Okay, I listen to a lot of podcasts, especially this time of year. Fantasy football's my thing, so I like to listen to it. They have one guy, I'm gonna give his name 'cause I can't stand him. Lawrence Jackson's his name, okay? And I know his voice when he's on a podcast, I just know who he is, okay? I don't like witty ads, I don't like how he sounds, I don't like how he hesitates when he talks. He'll be like, so I'm gonna tell you. And I'm like, I don't have time for this. I wanna listen about what wide receivers should I draft? - Watch here, every now and then I get recommended a guy on YouTube just like, hello, everybody. - Yeah. - What? - Yeah, today we are in Joliet. - Yeah, just get to the point, sir. Why don't you talk like that? This paused voice inflection, I literally wanna reach in the phone and be like, can I get a hold of him, okay? So then this morning, he's on a different podcast, he's never been on before, and I'm like, oh, of course, now he's gonna be a guest on here occasionally. That's awesome, you know? So skip, but before I could skip, I heard his voice. He's like, yeah, I used to be, when I was in college, I was either gonna play football, which he was like a backup DB or something. He goes, or I was real good at handball, which is now an Olympic sport. They start talking about Olympic handball during my fantasy football podcast. - I am for that because I can't stand your fantasy football podcast. - Okay, well, you're, no, you're not for it, you're against me, okay, there's a difference. - No, I think the whole thing is ridiculous, but-- - I think you and your lasso need to figure out, you're gonna have to figure some out. - I think that, oh no, they talked about something like sport related, but wasn't specific to your exact same thing, oh no. - Yeah, it's not that check cell where we could talk about anything. This is fantasy football, bro. - Probably a little louder. (laughing) - I could, my mic is really up today. And don't I sound loud? I sound pretty loud, I think. I'm loud in my own ears. - So anyway, he is dead to me and any podcast that has him on is dead to me. So we will never, I guarantee we will never have him on. Now I'm looking at your face, you're like, I'm gonna invite this guy on his podcast. - I'll find that guy. - No, 'cause I don't care what the subject matter is, if he talks like that, he's out. - Yeah, oh, I don't care if he's talking about the thing that's most interesting to me in the world. - Right. - Can't do it. - Right. - Yeah, no, it-- - 'Cause I will start screaming in his face to speed it up, chaps. - That's the whole thing. I think if you played him at one and a half time speed, you still wouldn't be in a normal conversation. - Awful. - And it's just, like he paused at the most scenario, do you like, did I lose signal? Oh, there's his voice again. And you're like, what are we doing, you know? So anyway, that was my week. Horse dancing and a dead to me guy on a fancy football horse. - Dancing. - Horse dancing. - And-- - All asshole guy. - Which guy? - A guy. - Hey, you could be Ted Lasso. - That's true. - Isn't that, that's a show, right? That's a show, you could be Ted Lasso. - Wait, hold on. - You want to hear about that? - What, don't tell me you're wearing. You wearing a socks? He's wearing a socks. - I'm Ted Lasso. - Ted Lasso, he has to wear a socks to say Ted Lasso, I am that guy. - Yes, by the way, for a guy who tells me he's gonna be able to learn his lasso and he's still, he had to hold his foot up on the table. - So I'm just telling my foot on the table I had to pull it out from under the chair. - All right, then I'll give you that. But still, I feel like there was a grunt. - Okay, well they're somewhere. - We'll kick the chair out of the way, you ready? - Yeah. - All right, that's a Ted I know right there. That's a Ted I know. - That's a B. - That's two, that's two. - S&F comedy, if we had video. (laughing) - You know I'm doing that 5K with fellow comedian, Matt Drufke, September, and I was like, "Hey, Drufke is stretching." And then I put my leg up on that wall, that. - Oh yeah, all the way top? - And he's like, "Well, not like that." And I did it with the other leg. Well, you better get on it. - Right. - And he's like, "I've been running like two miles." I'm like, "Oh, I guess I should practice that part of it." - Okay, so listen, my stretching is very impressive. - That's not, the stretching I can just do without any preamble, that's what I've been doing. - You gotta warm up to street like, "I gotta warm up to stretch." Okay, here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna stretch phenomenally. I gotta warm up first. What do you do to warm up to stretch? So I'll be-- - Can you stretch to warm up to stretch? - You're right though, the running part. - It's the running part that's gonna get me. - So it's kind of, in a 5K, as impressive as you stretch, it's really all about the 5K, the running, right, isn't it? - Yeah. (clearing throat) - The most important part of the 5K is the running. What about you then? How was your week? - Well, this morning, I was woken up by an earthquake. - Oh, I heard about that. - Which was not something I've had in my 2020. - Was it a 24-bingo card? - No. - No. - That was free space. - All the other things that have happened, that was not-- - That was not it. - Did not see that coming. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And I woke up and I was like, "Wow, this storm is incredible." 'Cause I fell asleep to it, you know, like the storm was going all the time. - Oh, you're thinking it's thunder or something? - I just felt like the whole room shaking, and I was like, "What is happening? Are we in a tornado?" And then I was like, "Eh." And I just went back to sleep. - Was that like three o'clock in the morning? - Yeah, it's like between two and three, somewhere. - Okay, 'cause yeah, I know at one point in time, Lilo climbed in bed, and I mean, just was like, "No, I'm not." We were like, "No." And she's like, "No, you don't understand. I'm not having no, I'm up here now. I live here now." - This thing down here that I'm sleeping on is moving. - Yeah, yeah, this thing up here. - It's not post to move. - Yeah, we're good. I'm up here now. - When did this happen? - This morning, 238, I think was the-- - Oh, was it? - Yeah, it was out west by decal, but-- - Wasn't it like a 3.4? - 3.4, but I'm close enough where I was like, yeah, what's this, what are we doing? - I see, I don't think it woke me up, but it woke her up, 'cause she's laying on a floor. - Yeah, and dogs are like-- - Yeah, in tune to that stuff. - Right, right. - And then Friday, I was asked to do something to work. No, let me roll back here. Roll back. - Gotcha. - At work, are you one of the people that just does whatever they have to do to get the thing done? - Oh yeah, that's-- - So you'll say yes to make a right for the customer. Is that your thing? - Absolutely. - You would not have said yes to this. (laughing) - The customer's not always right? - No, there wasn't the customer's thing. I was asked to make a last minute delivery to the south side of Chicago. - Ooh, late on Friday afternoon. - Okay. - And it wasn't, it was one of the things where it wasn't right off the expressway. It was a lot of surface streets going on. So I looked at it and I went, yeah, all right, I guess I'll do it. Well, you don't have to. Right, but if you, if I, first of all, I don't do it, you're gonna find someone else. So then I'm gonna look like a chomp in the thing. Also, you're asking me to do it, it's 'cause you want me to do it for whatever reason. So, you're trustworthy. - But yeah, the Friday night. - That's a strange Friday night. - Well, driving on that. - Well, this thing, I left work three hours early and got home at the exact same time. - Oh, nice. - 'Cause long it took to get into the city and then back out. - What about the like grub? Could you get some good grub doing that or no? - You just went home. - I just went home. - 'Cause I'd say 'cause that it opens up your possibility. - Yeah, you get up there, right? - But this place was well in the residential area. - Oh, I got you. - So by the time I was, I was heading out, I'm like, I saw a lot of places, I'm like, I just went home. - Yeah, I just went home. - Wilson out. - Yeah, I'm out. - Yeah, so I was just like, and then, we don't want to drive in the city. The people that weren't volunteering. - And I do? - Right, yeah. - How come I do? - Well, they're like, well, we knew you went up there on Tuesday. Like, that was for a thing that paid me to go there. - Right. - And do commodity. - Yeah. (laughing) - I was kind of funny and I was funny now when I say no. I'm not gonna do this. - It wasn't, yeah. - No humor, huh? - Yeah, it wasn't, you know, drive to a residential area in the heart of the city. - Right, yeah. I was actually somewhere cool and people came to see me. That was when you watched a guy pooping a cup. - Yeah, that's true. - I mean, you can't do that in a regular area. - I did not see a man pooping a cup. So actually, he blows a bucket of cup if you call. - He blows a bucket. - Right, that's right. He pooped in his hand. He blows a bucket of it to the cup. That's what you were saying. - He won a bun chocolate bar? - Nice. - Everyone in the audience gets one. - Everyone. Everyone. (laughing) - Everyone. - We also got a crisp $100 bill. - That's what was in there. - Number six, right? - Number six was a bike. - Number six was a Schwinn and $100 bill. - $100 bill. - Which back then? - $100 bill. - It could have been a million. - You were a kid. - Yeah, I remember one of our friends back in the day. It must've been the show I was on. He won a GI Joe bridge layer. - Oh yeah? - Yeah, remember that toy where the tank would come out and put a bridge down and then drive away? - Yeah. - What a wonderful, what a wonderful toy for kids. - That's a thing to win though. - Well, yeah, you don't want to have to buy that. - Yeah, oh yeah. - You want that to be a freebie. - But if also if someone is paying like a large television studio is paying for your toy, shoot a little higher. - How about the aircraft carrier? - How about the aircraft carrier? - Yeah, maybe not that much. Maybe the Sky Striker. - Or the even headquarters. - Or the helicopter. - But it's something cool. - Yeah, something impressive. - But literally a tank with no weapons and just puts a bridge on. - All right guys, you can cross this eight foot ravine. - We don't know if you have any GI Joe guys, but we're going to give you this. This comes with no guys. Okay, we're going to give you a toy that comes with no guys. And hopefully when you go home, you're going to be like, I have so many GI Joe guys. - Which by the way, any kid our age really kind of did it anyway. - I also love that because, you know, they'd have to give them the first one. If you'd miss it, they let them you let you go again. - Oh yeah, yeah. You just have to drop it. Just reach over, let go. Reach over. Look and let you. - And kids are just be like, I just toss it and you're like, all right, you're an idiot. - Unless you drop it from over your head, it's not going to bounce out. - Right. - Okay, just reach over and drop it. Okay, even number two. You know what? You're getting number two. - You should get number two. - Number three, you have a bit of a toss. - Number three, you gotta toss and you gotta make sure the bounce stays in the bucket. - Correct. - That's the trick. - But if you're standing directly over essentially a garbage can and can't let go of a ping pong ball, so it stays in the bottom. - But you know how we trained for this when we were kids and younger people won't know this. We trained for this at McDonald's birthday parties with the five gallon water jug and the straws. You just have to remember you just had to drop the straw in which by the way, the straw never falls straight. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. But you had a much smaller hole and you still had to get it in there. So now when you go to Bosel Buckets, you can't reach over and drop a ping pong. You ever been to a birthday party? - Right. - You ever been to McDonald's? - And most of these kids, they're barely taller than the bucket. - Correct. - Yeah. - It's not like they're throwing it down from where we are where it would bounce. - Right. - It'd be like, yeah, no, you can touch the edge of the bucket, they're okay with that. Hey Jordan, post up and don't that. Okay, you're fine, you're fine. Drive the lane, you're good. So, but yeah, the kids that never got the first one and they had to walk off, I felt like, first off you're like, what a pathetic loser. Okay, second off, you're like, you were on TV. You told your friends, you get a picture and a free bun, everyone gets one. - Yes. - Right. - Everybody in the audience, well, we all got one. - Yeah, I can't believe we sent Bozo out to do this. It was just a cookie. We shouldn't even have said Bozo out here. I don't even understand. - Cookie buckets. - Yeah, Bozo wasted his time. So, also like go have his Marlboro's and his, you know. - Oh yeah, yeah, he's smokin' out there. His old style. - I love doing that now. You watch the shots of like people that are wearing like mini mouse costumes and stuff. Like they're not at Disney, but they're somewhere. And it's like a Hispanic guy, he's got the head up, halfway, he's smokin', he got the hands off. You know, you're like, okay, that's definitely-- - Well, you sent that video of people that were in sitcoms back when we were kids. - Oh yeah, I did. - And there were ages between like, you know, 46 and, you know, 55. - It's gross. - And it all looked like, we thought they were 100. We were kids. - Yeah. - We can't get the kids nowadays to think they were old, but we don't look that old. - No. - And I'm sorry, you can put this up against anyone. None of us look that old. - Correct. - I do not look as old as Sanford. - No. - Or Archie Bunker or whatever. - Right, Archie Bunker. - I put, and someone else shared it, and I put it under yours, and another person who shared it independently. Like, these are the best anti-smoking PSAs ever. - They absolutely are. - 'Cause all the smoking they did and secondhand smoke, it just literally like petrified people. - You look like leather. - Yeah. - That's one thing I will say. I'm old, but I have pretty nice skin. All right. - All right, well, that's been our show. - Where can they find us then? - No, they can't, 'cause I'm shuttin' it all down. - Hey, that was it. Everyone's done. - Can I give a PSA about anti-smoking? - No, no, no. This one's actually better. National Park Service says, "Never push a slower friend down when escaping a bear." - Really? - Never, okay. So it says-- - Are you just saying that because you presume to be the slowest friend in almost every group? - First off, I'm not gonna stretch. You're gonna waste time stretching. I'm Bolton, okay? - I'm riding my lasso. - I am Michael Bolton. - I am-- - I am lassoing the fastest friend, and they're gonna pull me up. - That's what it is. - That's what it is. Like, damn he got cute with that lasso. Oh my God. He said he wasn't even gonna start till 2029. They don't even know what's going on. - There's bears involved, it's different now. So anyway, yeah, no, the headline actually says, National Park Service says, "Never push a slower friend down when escaping a bear." So here it is. Officials with the National Park Services are using a little humor while sharing a few bear safety tips. - Oh, they think they're being cute. - Right. If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down. Even if you feel the friendship has run its course. First off, you're a goner, okay? You, not only that, I'm probably gonna keep a bottle of sweet baby race just to pour on you when you hit the crown just to make sure I have more time. Okay, 'cause I'm not gonna stretch, odds are I'm gonna pull something while I'm running away. All right, he's gonna get you mid-stretch and probably start with your Ted Lasso socks, which are now just coated in sweet baby race, okay? But it says officials say that in the spring, when the snow begins to melt, parks are on the country, many bears are expected to become more active. Okay, now you don't have to be a scientist to know this, okay? - Back off, man, I'm a scientist. - Yeah, but it says according to the park service, seeing a bear in the wild is a special treat for any visitor. It depends on how you see them, okay? If I see you from like, what is that? From the great outdoors, the bear dump, okay? And I'm in my car, you know what? That's a pretty cool experience. If I see you just off the walking trail, that I've decided I'm going to partake in some wilderness, that is not a very cool encounter. So it says, while it's an exciting moment, it is important to remember that bears in national parks are wild and can be dangerous. - No. - Okay. - How many people think that they actually act like yogi and they just want your picked up asking? - Well, I mean, there aren't really dumb people out there. - I know. - We read about them almost every week here. That checks out. - But it does say, officials said bears behavior can be unpredictable sometimes, and although rare, attacks on humans have occurred. Although rare, it's probably rare, but you know what it is? It's the guy that has to take the selfie and doesn't want to use the selfie stick. Don't put your arm around the bear, okay? - No, get right up in there on the bear. - Yeah, get right up in there. Get right up in there. He's a cuddler. Definitely a cuddler. So it says, follow some basic guidelines to help you to help lessen the threat of danger. The park shared, your safety can depend on your ability to calm the bear. You want to know what my first thought is? How do I keep this guy calm? That's not my first thought. Okay, my first thought is, am I wearing pants right now? Because I'm about to crap, okay? So maybe, maybe, just maybe he'll stop and play with that. - You're like, where is my Chipotle cup? I'm about to pose a bucket. I'm going to button, I'll get this thing from a distance. I'm winning a bike. - From a distance. - I'm winning a bike. So it says, keep your distance and not surprising the bears are some of the most important things they can do. I'm going to be honest with you, okay? If I ever can't keep my distance from a bear, first off, I'm already dead, okay? Second off, my whole goal is not to be to scare him. - Why not? (laughs) - I said go for it. Ted hits him with the lasso and then runs. I'm like, how'd you scare him from over there? I don't know, but I'm out. I already stretched. - I'm out. - Yeah. I learned how to stretch and lasso at the same time. So you are now a goner. But it says, how they need to make a special effort to be noticed if they're in an area with known bear activity, such as berry bushes. Let me tell you where I'm not hiding, okay? - Where food is? - Yeah, or like berry bushes. - I hear a bear coming. Let me get in a berry bush. - Can we get low down? - Yeah, let me get right here, where they're probably going to stop and sniff anyway. Let's do this right here. So it says, here are the tips. Identify yourself by talking calmly. So the bear knows you are human and not a prey animal. You think the bear watches and that flexes like, that's human. Like, you know, we have like cocaine bear. They have like a white trash man. You know what I mean? Like that's me. They're looking like that guy, he's in a shirt that's too small. - Yeah. - He's wearing cargo shorts and new balance. He's not a threat to you. - I mean, he's probably, you know, singing as a bear, boys, bear, boys, all right. - What you gonna do when they come home? - He comes up, he's like, what a cool dance. I'm like, you heard this song? - You heard that song? - Are you serious? You have YouTube? - Yeah. - I wish other people had. - But it says, stay calm and remember, most bears do not want to attack. They usually want to be left alone. Then why are you there? But if your whole goal is to see a bear and you get too close, I'd say you don't already screwed up. Now's not the time to be like, dude, it's cool. I'm a person. Let me talk calmly to you. I'm not here to scare you. I'm not here to scare you. - Yeah, I'm not here. I'm not here to scare you, you know? - Maybe you talk to them in there. - Hey, everybody. - So get this one. - I'm not here to scare you. - I would just hear you. - I would just hear you. - If you talk like that, we are best friends. I don't care if you meet my face off. - Dude, you know what I would do? I would bring a speaker. - Yeah. - You throw him a Bluetooth speaker and you're like, look, Dave is not going anywhere. - And I just throw him a radio. - Yeah. - Two into 88.7 and I'd have Mr. Microphone. - Hey, everybody. - Shh. - Hey, everybody. - And it starts phase now as you're running farther away. Why do you sound winded? You're not even moving, Bear. Why do you sound winded? - Is that a lasso? - Yeah. - But it says, here's the next one. Pick up small children immediately. Do not make any loud noises or screams. What? If I see a bear. - Am I picking up a child to run with it or just to throw it down like later? - You pick up the child, you go, ah! You throw the child at the bear. Okay, like I've done two things I'm not supposed to do, but I'm still gonna live. - Okay. - Are those my countermeasures? - Yeah. - Like my chaff? - Yeah. I see, I see you're no screaming. - I'm out of flares, I'm out of flares. - Those are children, Ted. - And I raised you one airborne child. Which by the way, if I grab a child, it's not gonna be mine. You know what I mean? I'll be like, look at that family. All right, you're a kid, all right? Well, I'm like, kids get to the car. What are you doing with that little kid? I'm gonna throw him at the bear. Okay, he's not one of us. So it says, "Hi, can traveling groups. "Groups of people are usually noisier and smelier "than a single person." Is it smell what attracts them? I mean, is that what? - Yeah, I mean, you would think that would be-- - Do you just wanna, like, you wanna track what somebody that has this righteous B.O.? You're like, dude, you're ripe. You walk next to me. - Yeah. - You walk next to me. - Guess who's going first? - Yeah. - Actually going last. - Yeah, slightly downhill from me. That's where I want you, okay? It says, "Make yourselves look as large as possible. "I got that cover." Okay? It's like, I can't get any bigger. You see me eating? Why is he eating a whole bowl of cereal? He's trying to bulk up. The bear is right there. So I can't believe he's stopping for a bowl of golden grams right now. You know what I mean? You're like, "Every time I eat milk, "I said again, 'cause the dogs." - Anything that bears their nose blind to, you just smell like that. And they're just eating like, you know, you're like the Tyrannosaurus rex ingredient. Okay, don't move, Jared, don't move. So here's what I get into. Do not allow the bear access to your food. I'd be like, these are my golden grams. I'm working with a spoon as I'm eating. I'm trying to get bigger. Just relax, hold on a second. But it says, "Getting your food only occurs "in the bear to make the situation worse." I don't understand how that happens. If I had a picnic basket, and I was running from a bear, and I dropped the picnic basket, the odds are the bear's not gonna follow me. - Right. He's gonna go low, go hanging fruit. - That's what I'm saying, okay? He's like, "Look, I can stop right now and have a meal, "or I can chase this guy for, I don't know, "about other six feet til he collapses, "'cause he didn't stretch first, "and we know he's old and fat." You know what I mean? - He didn't even roll his own legs. - He didn't even tie his new balance. He's gonna trip over to him laces. It's just a matter of time. What he's probably going is, let me have, this is my appetizer, right here in the picnic basket. And I'm gonna get that guy in a second, you know? But it says, "Do not drop your pack "because they can provide protection to your back." I'm not gonna leave with my back. - Am I wearing a kelvar? - Yeah, I don't understand. - Kelvar. - Yeah, what do I wear? Am I wearing a force field? You know? Do not run. But if the bear follows, stop and hold your ground. Like dogs, they will chase fleeing animals. I'd rather be chased by a dog. - I have never like stood my ground on a dog and he's like, "Oh, we stopping." - Wait a minute, is this a challenge? - She's stopping now? - Yeah. - I mean, they might for a second be like. - Yeah. Like that ramp up thing and be like, "Oh, it's a back on." - Yeah, still going. Yes. You know, I would get the one bear that starts cracking his knuckles. Oh, it's go time. I'm like, "Damn it!" - You just take a stick. - I can't believe I stood my ground. - And draw a little line in the dirt. - Yeah. - I read online. - Yeah. - We just hold him ground. - Don't cross. Don't you cross the line. They're like, "Are you back up a step?" No, don't cross this line. Yeah. And then what I do is I do that all the way to the cliff 'cause I sit in the cartoons, it works. I get all the way to the cliff. I don't cross this line. Then you're, "Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo." - You don't look down. You're just floating off there. He looks down and you just walk back on it. - That's how it works. - That's how it works, bro. - Says, "Do not climb a tree 'cause both grizzlies and black bears can climb trees. There is no chance of me climbing a tree to get away from it." - Well, yeah, for sure. They didn't know it was you. But also again, if you're throwing your pack or you're picking a basket or whatever or a child the other way, climb whatever you want. They're going after that. - Right. - It's got to be a big child. It's got to be able to sustain them long enough for you to get to your club. - And here's the last one. This one I know, be especially cautious if you see a female with cubs. Never place yourself between them and never attempt to approach them. - Oh, you don't start doing like shell game with them? But it duped you. (laughing) - In your big basket? - Yes. - This kid's under, I got three pickling baskets. Your kid is in one of these. Can you guess which one it is? You know? So, but yeah, anyway, this is my PSA. Okay, first off, me and you together, you're gone. I'm telling you right now. I will push you, trip you, punch you. Doesn't matter. - What am I up, Bob? - Push him, twist him, trip him. Doesn't matter. So, but it says more bare safety tips can be found online from the National Park Service. Okay? Where I'm sure they don't use humor. Now, we'll call it a PSA and a fun fact. - All right, we're doubling up. - Yeah, so now we're going to fun fact number two, okay? In response to her husband's infidelity, a woman from Prague decided to end her life by jumping from her third story balcony. Now, by chance, she happened to land on her spouse below, who was returning home. She survived, he died from the impact. - Now, I question if this was really her taking her life. - Right. - Or if it was. - Yeah. - You know, if I make this look good enough. - Yeah, here I come scumbag. - Yeah. - How does that get him back? Like, you're cheating on your spouse. - Yeah, I'll show you, I'll die. - Well, yeah, well, yeah. You're like, oh, I hope that she doesn't decide to kill herself. - Yeah, oh, so that just freed up more time. - Cool, 'cause I was thinking about seeing another chick too. And now I got more time. I really like to not, I like stop lying, 'cause my conscience is really getting to me. Oh, what's that? Now all of a sudden it's getting shady. You know, you're like, it's not even a cloudy day. What are we doing, you know? So, but yeah, you don't, this is intentional, okay? You don't accidentally jump off a building and time it. Now if you fall on like other people, hot dog carts. - That's one thing. - Yeah, hot dog cart, you know. - Whatever they have in carts in Prague. - Right, right. - Oh yeah, what do they have in carts in Prague? - I don't know. - I don't know, I don't know. They think they have hot dog. - Schnitzel. - Schnitzel? - Venus. - Yeah, Venus Schnitzel, yeah, in Prague. But anyway, so he died from the impact she survived. I find this far-fetched. - Little sus, yeah. - Yeah, but it is, it's on a weird fact thing. So I said, you know what, I'm gonna take it. Here's the deal, if I read it on the internet, it's true. Okay, I don't, I really care. I don't do any research. - But if you're, if your husband or wife, depending on which one it is, comes home at 506 every day. Or between, you know, 505 and 510 every day. - Yeah. - And you jump at that exact time into their exact path. Either you wanted them to see it, or you're like, I hope I land here. - Yeah. - Right. - Also, if you're at the third floor, you're not, or a third story, you're not gonna look out and be like, oh, I don't know if I see him or not. - Yeah. - You're gonna see the person you're jumping on. - The only thing you're playing is the wind. - Yeah. - Okay. - You're gonna make sure that you jump slightly to the left, to the right, 'cause you gotta land on him. So, again, she couldn't have been unscathed. - Yeah. - Oh, I'm sure, yeah. I'm sure she didn't, like, you know, 18, just dust herself off after the car flips nine times. - Which said, the other guys, aim for the bushes. - Aim for the bushes. - Aim for the bushes. - All right. - But not the, not the Barry bushes. - Not the Barry bushes, 'cause that's, Barry will find you. - That's very, very fine. - He will find you. All right, here's, this one's pretty cool. I think I fit in this category. During the 1972 Summer Olympics, American swimmer and nine-time Olympic champion, Mark Spitz, jokingly told a Russian swim coach that his mustache deflects the water away from his mouth, allowing him to swim faster and better. By the next year, all of the men on the Russian swim team had grown my stashes. - Well, that's, that's pretty awesome. - I wonder if you learned that from the British, 'cause they, they didn't tell the excess powers that they had radar. And they're like, how are they shooting us down? And the word got out that they were eating carrots, 'cause it was good for their vision. - Yeah. - So then everyone started eating carrots, even though it was all BS. - Really? - To the point now, even now to this day, there's still some people that are like, oh yeah, carrots, the beta carrot team, really good for your vision. So it's not, it's 'cause the British were trying to hide the radar system they had. - Really? - Yeah. - So it's a very similar-- - It's a fun fact, that's a fun fact. - That's a fun fact. - You think Spitz learned that in school. - That's cool. - You should do these more. (all laughing) - Just off the cup. Ted, you need to talk more during fun facts, 'cause apparently you can add something. - Apparently you just bring fun facts to the table. - Yeah. - But you think Spitz learned that in school and he's like, hey, watch me. Watch me turn my mustache into a carrot. - Yeah, you ever seen a Russian mustache? You must see a ton of them. - Yeah, watch this. - Don't you, I'll bet you a dollar and get all the brushes from a mustache. - Well, it went from that to the reality, they started wearing those like, shark suits. - Oh yeah. - The shark skin is suits and finally the year after that the Olympics were like, no. - Yeah. - No. We were literally starting the clock and you guys are touching the tape. Like you guys got it, it's not fair. - Yeah. - 'Cause it was, mostly it's 'cause some countries could afford those. - Right. - And other countries were barely likely to find a pool to swim in. - Yeah. - And we're like literally wearing like, you know, superhero outfits. (all laughing) The Olympics were like, like the mustache thing? - Hilarious. - Yeah. (all laughing) - We're in high tech, like, you know, swimsuits? - No. - Yeah. - Not a dog. - When you got a think, mustache is gonna slow you down. That's actually, that's a-- - That's a drag, yeah. - That's a break. - That's where they wear the caps and the things and the-- - It's damn well, I'm all fanker. Okay, that's really what it is, okay? It's a mouth anchor, all right? - Yeah, you're scooping up all the stuff that's in there. - You're like, all the plankton? - Yeah. (all laughing) - I almost said that. - So anyway, here's my next fun fact. I can't, I don't remember it anymore because you threw in so much, so much great news. I don't even know. - I apologize. - So it says the term and concept of J walking was introduced in the 1920s by the auto industry as part of the propaganda campaign to claim the roads for cars and shift the blame and accidents to cars from cars to pedestrians. At the time, J was a slur with similar meaning to Redneck or Hillbilly, okay? So what you're saying is, is that all these cars, this is probably gonna happen again because now you're gonna get these cars to drive themselves. You're gonna be like, hold on. We don't have people in the crosswalk. You're not supposed to be in the middle of the road. You know what I mean? - This, this is probably on the same time to that one guy got the first ticket for going eight miles an hour. - Right? - They're like, oh, we got these people out of the road. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Now cars drive at, you know, ungodly speeds and people are like, I'll make it. - Yeah, I got to, it's like the worst game of fun. - I mean, that's how you tell tourists from the locals when you're in a big city, the people that are like waiting for the little white man. - Oh, yeah. - Or they're visiting. - The orange hand has stopped going. - Marim. - Yeah, they're visiting. - Marim. - If you look and you see a car, oh, that's about blocking out of town. I'll be good. - Yeah. - And you see like six people go across and like, oh, those people live here. - They live here. - The rest of us are like, I'm not gonna risk it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I don't know anybody here and nobody owes me a favor in this town. So I'm gonna stay right here until it says to go. But it's kind of funny if, what if they would have called it like a hillbilly walking? - Yeah. - You know what I mean? - Redneck walking. - Redneck walking. - It's like over there. - Redneck trekking, I think is what it called it. - Trekking. - Yeah. Hey, we'd be trekking across that intersection. - We'd be trekking. - Yeah. - So, which by the way, remember if you remember weeks back, a dead to me is people that go and make the 90 degree. It's like, just cut across, okay? You're fine. The lights there, jump in that thing. I don't care where you jump in it. Just jump in. - Max should be able to attest to this. In Japan, they have a lot of intersections where at one point they stop all the traffic and they just let the X go. So you can go from corner to corner. - No way. - If you're really here and you want to get over there, you don't have to go, you don't have to make the L. You just angle it straight across. - Oh, that's the shortest distance. That's great. - So they had cars, cars, cars. - You don't have to wait twice. - And then they open it up. They open it up like they shut down both lanes and you can go X but you can also do the side piece. If that's all you need. - Yeah. - But the whole, they just literally turn the whole thing into one big crosswalk and the masses go that way and the masses go this way and then they get out in the car starting it. - You know who else had a side piece? The guy was wife laying on him. That guy had a side piece too. - So if he had a different crosswalk, you would imagine that. - That's what it is. She hit him in the crosswalk. They're like, oh, you were totally redneck. - The best thing about it, that's not a story if she doesn't land on him. - Oh, for sure. Right, yeah. - That's not even like no one would know about it. It's just like, yeah. - Yeah, unless she survived it was like, oh my God. You know, I mean, she's a superhero. - Yeah. - All right, here's my last one. And I'm gonna say this one because I think this one also affects me. The trees don't touch each other because of the phenomena I know it asks, crown shyness. - Phenomena. - Phenomena. - Phenomena. Phenomena. - No, bad bad bad bad bad. - But it's the trees don't touch because it's called crown shyness. This is a guy thing. - Oh, it's like when you put an extra space in the urinal. - Yeah. Yeah, it's the guy urinal. - You got to tell you about the one at work. It has like a little, the urinal like Matt has a little, no, a soccer goal and a soccer ball. - No way. - Yeah, so you can try to pee your way into a goal. - Get out of here. - I've never seen anyone use it. - Really? - Yeah. - I mean, I have to have someone right next to me. - I mean, like, not physically like watch the stream music. I've never seen a dude standing out. - I was going to say, kids for you. - I've never seen anyone do that. - I've never seen anyone do that. Then I just picture you in a folding chair just waiting, taking notes like, uh-huh. Okay, yep, no, no goal. No goal. - Oh, hey, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh, hey. - You're red card guys. - Oh, hey, oh, hey. - What's that doing? He's watching a soccer match. He's watching the football. - A lot of crown shyness in the bathroom. A lot of crown shyness. All right. I thought it's kind of weird, but when you think about it, trees don't, they don't overlap. - Yeah. - You know, when you look up, they're never touching. One can be lower than the other one, and the branches can be over it, and I get it. But I mean, that one usually then grows to an angle, right? 'Cause they don't, they always pull towards the sun. - Yeah, they mean they try to get to the light, sure. - Yeah, so if something's in the way, they'll half of it'll grow, you know? All right, so, you know how you play that there goes my hero? - Yeah. - Actually, have it there goes my hero. ♪ There goes my hero ♪ ♪ I'm gonna give you a- ♪ - Yeah, you really like that, what do we have? - I direct roll your hero. - This one ties in with our Russian swim team. Alabama woman, 108, stays young by flirting with men with mustaches. - All right. - Okay? - Yeah. - Now she's 108, she saw those guys. - Yeah. - Okay, she was there. - Right. - Okay, and she was an adult, okay? She wasn't there as like a child. She was there as an adult. - Yeah, she got really excited at the 76 Olympic. (laughing) - I wasn't a communist before, but look at those mustaches. - Drop my wall. - How much? - How much for a commie ride? (laughing) - What is it? Drop my wall? It's like we did the 90s, yeah, just drop my wall. So it says, "How in Denmark turned 108 on Sunday?" Okay? She was celebrated with a party Monday thrown by her friends and caregivers. That's awful cocky thinking she's gonna make it 'til Monday. I mean that Sunday. But it was by her friends and caregivers. I got news for you. These friends. - These are all caregivers. - Yeah, and these are new friends, okay? Her original friends. - Yeah, original friends. We've gone twice over. - Yes, I was gonna say. She's watched their great grandchildren pass away, okay? So anyway, it says, "In her assisted living "in Birmingham, Alabama." Denmark said she doesn't feel any older than she did when she was 107, right? - Yeah. - Okay? - Well, yeah, I mean, once you probably hit that age, that all feels the same. It's your petrified, okay? I don't think there's any more like, okay. Ooh, I feel older. - But it's only like this woman slirted with mustachioed men. - Correct. - It's always weird stuff. I drink three doctor peppers. - Yeah. - And I smoke a cartener. - And I have three Susie Qs. Do you even make those anymore? - Right, I've kept 'em. - I've kept 'em. - I'm born a lifetime supply in 1983. - And I tell you what, the Susie Q factory's really pissed. - I'm still alive. - I asked 'em for 'em upfront. - Yeah. - In 1983, I still want one. - When Hostess went out, I was like, "Oh, no." (laughing) So I asked for a lot upfront. I probably the reason why they went out. What were we talking about again? Where's my doctor pepper? - But it's always some weird, like it's ever running or just eating beets or, you know, it's always something that was like, doctor like, "Don't do that." - So what's funny is, you got one sentence I had 'cause I just read this. She says, she stays feeling youthful by drinking wine, eating dessert, and flirting with men with mustaches. - There it is. Everything that they would tell you not to do. - Yeah. - Okay. Besides the mustache guy, you want to flow with them, you know, whatever. Flirt with them. It is what it is. But it says, "The centenarian said she still feels healthy and strong." And this is a quote, "Well, I feel all right." She said, "I'll be here when I'm 110." Let's take a cocky. All right? - That's where she says that, you know. All of a sudden, it's mandated every man mustaches. - Yeah. Don't knock on wood. Okay. But it says, the US Census Bureau estimated there were 101,000 people over the age of 100 living in the country as of January. - Yeah. I mean, some people have put out the opinion that the person who lives, you know, quote unquote, never has already been born. - Really? - They think that, like medical advancements, okay, so they have to be 100 and something happens. And like, okay, now they double that lifespan. Like, okay, by the time that person gets to 100, now they've doubled it again. And now they get, it's a whackout theory. It's out there. - Right. - But they're speculating that we are on the cusp of-- - A pushing that limit. - So that's probably because it says, and that number's expected to quadruple to 422,000 by 25,000. - I wish them well. I won't be there. I hope they make it well. - Yeah, I was going to say, there's not enough cryogenic freezing to save me for anything. - Did you, like the original people that got cryogenically frozen, like they accidentally turned a mush. - Did they really? - Yeah. It didn't quite go. It didn't pan out. And I don't think they're going to be like, oh, we better. - What kind of money do they spend on that? - We better re-freeze this. (laughing) - What if we can come up with a taco meat? - What if we can kind of up with a cure for gush? Can we come up with a cure for that? - No. - It's freezer burn. They're shaking the ice out of your bag. They're like, okay, hold on, listen. - Ah, did this though on re-freeze? - He'll be okay. - Do we lose power over the weekend? (laughing) - We had all that money from them. We didn't think about buying a generator. (laughing) - They got a pull starter craftsman. It's good for like 32,000. - We've got to, he's gotten a Honda. - Yeah. - And forever. - How many BTUs is that? I wonder if we're in my air conditioner. How many people we got in here? - They're sitting around in the pool deck they used to buy it with all the money. You know, and they got like all these stuff powered up and all of a sudden they hear, ooh. - Did you plug in the second DJ booth? (laughing) We said both booths cannot be plugged in the same time. - Come on guys. - Come on guys. - We have just gooshed humans. (laughing) - Gooshed. (laughing) - You've been gooshed. - So anyway, so this woman. - Yeah, so. - I wish they would have said what kind of dessert. - Yeah, I know that would have been. - I'm a particular to pecan. It's mostly just sugar and nuts. - Well you figure she's in Alabama. So she's something like that. - It's probably. - It's at her, it's rhubarb pie. - Or it's buttermilk pie. Banana pudding. - Yeah. - There's fruit banana pudding. - Yeah. - Actually those are herbs, but whatever. Go on. (laughing) - So anyway, Helen Denmark. 100 Nate, she says she'll live to be 110. I got to be honest with you. I got a better chance of her living to be 110 than you learn how to last her. - Well, okay. I'm just telling you right now. - I don't know about that. - I would say this. All those people that live past 99. Once you get up past 100. It's all the years that, you know what I mean? Like it's not like if you could somehow stretch out, you know, 20 to 40. Like that level of presumed bodily health. - Yeah. - That'd be pretty cool. But suddenly like, you know, people are like, I don't know. She probably pees in the bag for all I know. - Oh yeah, for sure. - Yeah, for sure. - I mean, she's living in assisted living. So like, at least at the very least, someone's picking her up and putting her on the can. - Right. - That's why I assume, that's what I translate, assisted living to me. - That's, that's your assisted living? - Yeah. - Okay, listen. - I gotta get put on the can. - Does someone have to put you on the can? - Yeah, then you're an assisted living. - Your assisted living. - That's how it works. - That's how it works. - So you wanna eat your Susie Q while you're on the can? You know what, do? - Do you have a tube coming from your, I don't know, cooter? - Then yeah. - You actually are assisted living. - Well, all right. So if you're gonna go to that room. (laughing) - I wasn't gonna go there, we're gonna go there. - Yeah. - Yes. - God, what was it? You know, the guy that played, what? - Talked to me, dude. - No, I can't think of his name now, that sucks. - Because I said. - Yeah, I know he was in the movie Marty, but no one's gonna remember that. - Erm. - Erm, he's organizing, that's his name. - Okay, yeah. - He was famous. - Mikael's Navy. - Yeah. - And then he was in the remake, all right. They asked him, he was in his 80s or not. I think he was in the 90s. He's like, he's on a talk show. Morning talk show, he was like, "How do you stay healthy? How have you been living this long? What's your secret?" Turns to the guy, I think he's whispering, has a laugh mic on. - Oh no. - Totally mic'd up and he's like, I self-intertain a lot, but he didn't say self-intertain. - No way. - Yeah, it was like, good morning to America. - Today's show, whatever. - Wow. - Yeah, yeah. - At that age? - Yeah. - Wow, gotta clean the pipes. - Yeah. - I mean, it is what it is, I gotta understand, but wow. - Yeah, he castorates. - But there's an age you get where you can just say that stuff. - I know, it is just great. And you're just like, and the whole place just went. - Yeah. - But very few can say it, I'm good morning to America. - Okay, now let's see. (laughing) He follows just the ship many times a day. - Right. - Right, he's found him of youth. - Yeah. - And he's just smiling on him and grinning, and he's just keeping a secret between him and the guy and the couch. No, no, no. - No, you and like seven million people just heard that. - Yeah. - And now it's seven million and 14, 'cause we just set it on the podcast. - Oh yeah, hey. - So breaking news, we should have set spoiler alert. - Meaning me, meaning me, this guy that died. - Yeah. - He stayed alive really long. - We should have set spoiler alert by playing a song by the Divinals. - By the way, I just liked that the word "cooter" unleashed that for everything. I just feel like I totally, I unleashed that beast. So that was-- - I mean, we do talk about how we watched the television show from 1979 to 1984, anything was 85. - Oh yeah, yeah. - We're one of the main characters. - His name was Cooter. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Has many shops, he's at least three, I believe, still in operation. - Yeah. - We're from the highway. You can see a giant sign that says "cooters." - Oh yeah. - Now, you gotta wonder if they ever put that next to a hooters. - Right. - What kind of clients are you gonna pride a big year? - Right, right. Or next to a, what's the one when you travel down south to lion's den? - Yeah. - You're like, "What are we going into here?" - This is not what I expected. - Yeah, this is totally different. - I went into hooters and it was wings. - Yeah. - I came into cooters and it was a lot of orange cars. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Both had a covered church. - You, people-- - I don't understand. - Yeah, I don't understand. - Yeah, it was a lot of orange shorts. And now it's orange cars. - Yeah. - It's orange, it is what it is. - But-- - The hooters, cooters are tooters, anywhere in this place. - There was a place called tooters. - I think that would be the butts, right? I mean, that would cover everything. - It would have to be. - Yeah, that would have to be. So that would, you know what that would be? That would be a place too, like I'll pack like, we play cornhole. You know what I mean? They'd be like, "This is what we do." It's like, "Oh, we came up with a name." - How? - How specific? That would be so great. - We came up with, we can call it, let's see if we can call it bags. Some people are like, "Oh, we'll go with that." We want to be able to tell our wives probably that we are getting paid to cornhole. - That's right, that's right. Well, that, and you know, slang for beanbag, I mean, that's a thing too, I get it, but it's not nowhere near as specific, okay? It's cornhole. So, and then you have to keep corn. - Well, I get it with horseshoes, they used horseshoes. - Right, it's an actual, it's specific. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's not something. - You show me where you used a hole of corn. - Correct. - Or a cornhole, like where did you do? - No, I guess they do put corn in the beanbag. - Oh, it means, yeah. - That's probably what they did. The beanbags can sometimes be. - All right, here's what we do, we invent a name, we're gonna put corn in bags and throw it in a hole. - Cornhole! (laughing) - Yes. - This is a Mitch Hedberg, I'm going on break, yeah. So, I'll go, I'm named it in five seconds. - Make it a witch. - Which you're getting here, 'cause I want to clock out. (laughing) - Hey, I got a strange story, all right? We gotta do this, you're gonna hit the button? You're gonna give it to my colleague? - Oh, yeah, sorry. - A strange story. - I've already been thinking about clockin' out. - Okay, this title is kind of shady, so we're gonna see what happens. - Also, the button is equidistant between us, but go ahead, sure, that's what. - I'm reading. - Okay. - Okay, I have to focus. - We both knew I will fall out of this chair. - Yeah, I have to focus. - I can't do two things at one time. - I'm reading. - Korean office robot seemingly commits suicide due to overwork. So, he ended his own robot self, due to overwork. A robot! - Please pray for Mojo. (laughing) ♪ He's a robot, he's now dead. ♪ - You know what's great? Imagine if he jumped off the roof out of that lady's husband. You're like, no. - He jumped off the roof. Oh, he jumped off the roof above her, saw her, threw her down. (laughing) - That's right. - I don't have any kids, I'll throw you. - I don't have any kids. I must throw this lady. - I guess. - 'Cause I'm a robot. - You really like that song though, yeah. - It's stuck in my head. - So it says, "Even with the ongoing push for automation, in all industries worldwide, South Korea has gone particularly gung-ho about robots. The Asian country has the highest rate of robot adoption in the world with one industrial robot for every 10 human employees." That is a huge number. - Yeah. - That's huge. As such, it's not surprising that the Goomy City Council decided they needed a robot too. Although South Korea is renowned for producing some of the most advanced technologically globally, or yeah, advanced technology. Oh, globally. The Council decided to acquire its robot from abroad. So they imported. You have to have the technology to do this. And you're like, you know what? Why don't we get one from somewhere else? You know what I mean? That's, I hate to say. - Well, it's like, yeah, we're not even using homegrown stuff. - We're importing your replacements of imports. - Yeah, yeah. So like, you see, we were gonna send the workout, instead we brought the work in. It's a robot. So the company turned to bare robotics, which primarily manufactures robotic waiters for restaurants, which I've seen some of those. And those are cool. - Hey, everybody. We make those robots that bring drinks to your table. - So we might as well make something for the city council, right? But it says, "Had to be capable of carrying papers." Okay? So I don't think that if you could carry my hors d'oeuvres, okay, or my appetizers to my table, I don't think you could carry papers, right? Isn't that the same? - Yeah, you're basically, I need a flat surface that moves. - Yeah, I need, you need the little step layer that grandma keeps next to her fridge to get on top with wheels on it. That's what it is. It's got three different shelves on it, and the screen tells you, this is for your table, take it. You know, that's what it is. - Yeah, I basically need a bookshelf that moves. - But it says, frankly, it was pretty impressive. It certainly could deliver documents, but it was also able to scan them. Oh, so this is a special robot. The robot featured an interface that allowed users to interact with it. So you have people that are running the robot that are interacting with it, that is a robot there, boss. - It's even better, they got three people in a room, like actually working the robot. - And the robot's taking the job of one person. - Well, yeah, they've hired three people to run this robot. - Yeah, yeah. - At a much higher cost. So it said, the supervisor could answer a simple question for the visitors, like, where do I go to file for D-274-5B? And this was used to advertise the city council services. So they're like, they're so proud of this robot. They're like, look, can you believe we got this robot? And they're like, we make better ones here in the country. You have one that can deliver papers, okay? Look, if I order one tons, it'll bring it to my table. That's what this robot's for, you know? - Yeah, they probably work at the company that invented that Spider-Man robot at Disney. - Yeah. - That can swing around and actually like do web stuff, like Spider-Man. - Yeah. - And they're like, hey guys, look at this robot we brought in. It's a TV tray. - Yeah. - That can tell you where to find, you know, zero dash four hyphen. - Yeah. - Now, actually if that works, it doesn't give me attitude. I say put that in all those government bills. - Oh, correct, yeah. It'll show up. - It'll work. - Do you have the form? What form? The form that you need for being this line. - Well, how do I find that? When you get to the front and I tell you. - Yeah. - You know what you do? You do that. And then they just print out what you need right there. That's what happens. - Well, can I get that form from you? No, you got to go three lines down. Do I need to form in that line? You'll find out. - Your robot has crossed arms. I don't even want to walk up and talk to it. It looks like it's piss on us. - The robots just be like, that's not how we do it, Tabra. We just print like this. - What I was going to say is the robot's got a way, got a carrying wig on it. So you're like, I do not even want to talk to this robot. - I'd like to speak to, I am the manager. - (laughing) - Editor, editor, editor. - Uh oh, yeah. - Oh no. - Number five alive, you know? 'Cause that's what I picture is like Johnny Five. - Yeah. - So it says that the K-A-R-3-N is down. - And I don't see this being true. Human employees at the city council certainly took a shine to their mechanical colleague. I don't see how. - I, for one, welcome our new robot over the Lords. - The bot even has its own security pass, just like everybody else. In quotes, it was officially part of the mayor's office. One of us, it worked diligently. - What if it is Johnny Five, who just murdered someone and sold their pass? - Yeah. (laughing) - Hey everybody, they just invited me to work for you guys. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Why do you have Dylan's pass? - First off. - First off, Dylan doesn't sound like a name from this country. - Don't worry about it. (laughing) - That's just what I was gonna say. People are like, I don't know the Dylan. It's like the age, okay. Look, you're going any. - I don't like the stereotype. - Yeah, okay. - I like where you're going there. - Okay. - I like where you're going there. Because I'm gonna tell you right now, you're going any city council in Asia. I don't think you're gonna be like, I'm here to talk to Dylan. - I am looking for Dylan. (laughing) - Johnny Five just rolls up. - Dylan alive. - I am Dylan. (laughing) - Is that a hard one? - I apologize, I didn't know you spelled it here. - It's not a hard why, I'm sorry. - Sorry, Dylan. - Sorry, Dylan. But it says, yeah, one of the robots most impressive features was using the council's buildings elevators. You're excited about this thing going, hey, it knows when the door opens, it goes in that elevator. - Yeah, it's a floor that moves. If you use the stairs, come talk to me. If he goes down the fireman pole, maybe we can have a conversation. He just gets on the moving floor that goes up and come on now. - So it says, this is how they're excited there. - And knew how to call an elevator, wait for it to arrive, and then write it to another floor to complete its tasks. - I bet a Roomba could do that. (laughing) - Right, right. And it'll work around the clock. - It's not going to be like, I don't do that. - The only way, like, and the Roomba can do that. It just does this for like 10 minutes, so the door opens up. (laughing) - Right, where's your Roomba? It's waiting to get on the elevator. - It's just pounding the elevator door. - It'll be fine. - And then once it's in there, it's going to clean the whole floor until the door opens up again. - That's correct. - It's going to make its way right out. - Elevators are going to be clean as hell. - I'm going to tell you that right now. - Except for the corners. - Because I can tell you what the elevator can't do. Press buttons when it gets to the elevator. - These are the dirtiest elevator corners I've ever seen. - Right. - It's just the floor is that much cleaner in comparison. - So this allowed the bot to bypass the stairs, because it wasn't able to climb or descend. A bit of ominous foreshadowing and hindsight. Oh, so I'm telling you, this guy threw himself down the steps. - Okay. - Yeah. Although it seemed to work happily all day long, something dark was brewing in the robot supervisor's artificial mind. Listen, when you start talking about stuff like this, that makes me say we can't have these things. - Yeah. - Okay. Because I'm going to tell you right now, I feel like I could punch you in the face and get away. I'm not going to punch a robot, okay? Perhaps I'll work in no play. - Well, I will tell you- - Well, you can if you just go in the middle of the stairs. - Yeah, I will tell you right now, I'm a proccio. I can make that robot rage quit anything, all right? I promise you right now, I'd like to punch that robot, that robot will end itself. - Like if you would have come back to the table and thrown a sprite and some tacos. - Yes. - I'd be like, hey fam, here you go. - Yeah. - Boom, just turn it on your face. I think rage quit would have happened. - Yeah. - Oh, for sure. - Oh yeah, I'm totally down. - Or sat across from them and just slowly eaten the tacos and the sprite. - Yeah. Oh yeah, good idea getting these tacos. - We said go get some tacos and a sprite, you didn't say for who. - Great idea fam. - Fam. - Yeah, great idea. But it says perhaps all work in no play was making it a dull bot. The robot punched in at 9 a.m. every day and punched out at six every single day. Dude, I work more hours in this robot, okay? And guess what? The robot's probably in the air conditioning. - Probably. - I'm not, okay? - Robot doesn't need a gallon of ice tea to survive though. - Yeah. By the way, I'm so glad I brought that to that. - We're saving eight nickels. - Yeah, oh, it says granted. Those are standard working hours in South Korean office and play. But at least the bots, human colleagues, could go home to their families and grab a drink with friends after work. - The robot's just up against the glass window. - Yeah. - Just watching the relief. Just like as claws up against the window, like robot want love to. (laughing) - Oh, it doesn't make sense. - Oh, it just looks out. Dylan will get revenge. - Yeah. - Thailand mad. - Yeah. - So it says where did the bot go? - Nowhere. - State always in the office. It appears the stress finally broke something in the robot. Around 4 p.m. on June 26th, the city council's human workers noticed something that was off about their robotic friend. And boy, he saw the robot and said it was circling in one spot as if something was there near a six and a half foot tall staircase. - I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Just over and over. - So it says, and that was the last time anyone would see the robot alive. (laughing) - Soon afterwards, the bot stepped over the top of the stairwell with no legs to walk on. It tumbled down the staircase. By the time it hit the bottom, the robot supervisor was dead. - As his terminator light is going out, robot is free. (laughing) - And all seriousness, which I don't know how there's any seriousness after we just said. - Where's the seriousness at this point? - It's highly unlikely the robot consciously committed suicide. He's correct. Yet the incident has sparked a discussion about the robot over work and whether machines belong in every workplace. Listen, if you're building cars and you have robot arms that put doors on it, this is meant, that's fine. - Have you seen the one where they have one like that? It's hydraulic and it was an art installation. It's in the middle of this big enclosure and the guy pops his hydraulic line and the robot is programmed to scoop up liquid and put it in itself for the hydraulic line. But he can't do it fast enough. - So you're literally watching the robot bleed out as he's trying to scoop it in and scoop it in. And then finally, I think the robot realizes where he's at and just goes, "Boom." And it's like, yeah, it's like, well, thanks a lot, guy. - Yeah. - It's funny when the blow guy's hand off and turned him into Robert cop, but this is sad. We can't be watching this. - Yeah, that's not. - I would not buy this for a dollar. - That's a great reference. - Thank you. - I hope people get that. - I really do. - I really do. - I think there's a handful of will. - Please respond. - After all, the robot may have been very, very well then overworked. It's only computer and perhaps it was trying to process one too many things at once, resulting in a system error that killed it. - Yeah, I bet it was some jerk like you in the office. It was like, hey, where are you going tonight? We're gonna go hang out. (laughing) Hey, you wanna get some drinks later? - Oh, you wanna drive? - Huh? - Huh? - Huh? - You just see me riding it? - Yeah. - What is he doing? He stays on the robot for eight seconds. We're gonna buy him a beer tonight. - We're gonna take the tops off some T85 calculator. Do you wanna come in? (laughing) - You could bring those to work. No, we can't, we're gonna leave it home. (laughing) - Your mother was a snow blower. (laughing) Also a great reference, just say it. But it says whether that's what happened, the council's still trying to figure it out. This is, oh my goodness, this is a quote. Pieces have been collected. It will be analyzed by bare robotics. - Hey everybody, this went wrong. - Yeah, do you think-- - Let's figure this out. - Do you think though, that this was like a plant? Because it's came from another country. They could just put it in there and be like, "How does this stuff work?" They just, like the whole time, they're watching through the robot's eyes. - Also, yeah, they're like, we need to get inside. What if we jump off these stairs and they take part of us inside, like in the deep side for experimentation? - Yeah, you see his eye wake up and roll around. - It's a great movie. We should do it, this is a good movie. - Are we trying this down, Mac? - Yeah. - Mac, you taking notes? - No. - What? - Wait, what? - Huh? - No. - All right. - There you go. - So here, yeah. - We found it, found it. That's what we know what he's doing. But it says for now, the council has iced all future plans to acquire more robots, at least for now. At first, they want to know what really drove the robot supervisor to suicide. And if introducing another such machine is safe. Listen, I don't think when you interview the new machine, you go, you know what happened to your predecessor? - Yeah. - Okay, he threw himself off the stairs. Okay, have you now or at any time, at any urge to throw yourself off of, let's say, stairs? (both laughing) You know what's weird? They just have ramps and slides now. - Stairs are gone. - Yeah, it's just shoots and no letters. - Yeah, it's just shoots. - Shoots and elevators. I don't think that's a real thing. It is, it is. 'Cause we're losing robot. These things are expensive. Okay, there's no warranty when they kill themselves. - And then it just like turns into like a robot, like, waterside orgy after work every night. - Why is it always wet at the bottom? - What are we doing? (both laughing) - Why are these shoots always so slick? - There's hydraulic fluid all over this hallway. What were we doing in here? - Who lubed these shoots? (both laughing) - It's robot cooters, sir. - Robot cooters. - Where can they find us, dad? Hey, to say it. - You can find us, cooters. - And that checks out, dad. All the socials at checks out, W-D-T. This episode is recorded for you at Audio High Podcasting Studio. Our wonderful audio producer and owner, proprietor of audio. High podcasting studio, Brian. This episode has been executively produced. I don't even know if that's the word anymore. - Maybe. - I think they went back to you and Ted Wilson. We'll catch you next time. - Help somebody get that reference. That's a good reference. I'll buy that for a dollar. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (gentle music) [BLANK_AUDIO]