Marnie Screams into the Void
105: PTSD
July 22nd, 2024. 105 days left. PTSD. First, a follow-up about yesterday's post. Seconds after hearing Biden had stepped down, I shifted gears to write about that. Every day I write these posts first thing. I don't have time to be precious, overthink, or edit for hours. I write, post, record the audio, usually in one take, and post. Hours after posting yesterday my instinct was to edit, change, or completely pull my post. I decided not to do that. One of the reasons behind my decision to post every day for 125 days was to journal the chaos of our election cycle. In leaving my post alone there is a record of how I felt in that moment. I felt very differently, very soon after that. When I react in the moment to the next big news my reaction is usually fear, anxiety, panic, and dread. This is why. 105 days until the election and it's a different game. Yesterday I panicked, not about Biden stepping down or Harris stepping up. I assumed the worst. Things would slip further into disarray. Democrats would throw Harris under the bus, anything and everything spells, doom, doom, doom. Within hours seeing the Harris endorsements followed by I'm with her and but nobody likes her posts, I was energized. Something new. We'll have to weed through the misogyny and the racism. No more is Biden too old to run. Now Donald can be the old white guy with clear signs of dementia. Why did I panic? PTSD. Trump is nominee round one. Build the wall. Mexicans are rapists. Watch people we love thought we could trust, cheer, and line up to join his cult. Non-stop abuse of Hillary Clinton. Watch him sworn in and be the worst president in US history. A worldwide plague over one million American deaths over seven million worldwide. Being told it isn't real, we're exaggerating, we're lying while the bodies pile up. Record unemployment, supply chain issues, no toilet paper, no paper towels except for the ones Donald throws at Puerto Ricans. George Floyd's murder by racist cop widespread protests while the threat of dying of COVID still looms and our president says maybe we can just shoot them in the legs. But there are very fine people on both sides and by both sides he means covert Nazis and overt Nazis. An excruciating election where it's actually close. Biden wins. Trump won't accept it. A violent deadly insurrection plays out on live TV while Trump gets mad at ketchup and plans to let his VP hang. Literally. Gallo's humor takes on new meaning. He says the crackers in maggot hats are actually BLM and Antifa. Twice impeached but he's still there. Moscow Mitch says he can be convicted in a court of law. Spoiler alert. Nah. Abusing poll workers lying about voter fraud, slandering dominion, ruining the lives of Shea Moss and Ruby Freeman. Giuliani. Just what the fuck is going on there? Bannon, Miller, Jones, Carlson, endless Nazi assholes screaming in sell white replacement theory. Obama can't appoint a Supreme Court justice in March of his last term. Trump is allowed to push one through in October while the ink is still fresh on RBG's death certificate. Barrett is a trad wife and Kavanaugh as a rapist but we have to live under their fake religion and the lie that Roe was settled law. Thomas and Alito take massive bribes. Their wives are in bed with insurrectionists but so what. Roe v. Wade is overturned. Women bleed out in ERs. Red States have gynecological deserts. Women get infections. Sepsis lose their fertility. Die. They're coming for IVF. What? Maggots oust the speaker of the house. Grind the government to a halt. Can't find a replacement. Finally settle on a bowl of rancid mayonnaise who not only wants to impose his religion on us but thinks he's Moses when he's actually a sadistic monster. 91 felony counts reduced and reduced guilty of sexual assault. Guilty of business fraud. 34 felony accounts including election interference yet they can't stop referencing hush money and porn star because it sounds more salacious but let's remember election interference. We would never have had Mangolini as prez if he hadn't colluded with Russia to slander Clinton. He only won by cheating then claimed it was cheating when he lost. Oh did I forget Hunter Biden's laptop? How could I? But her emails. He tried to force Zelensky to take down Hunter tried to force Ravensburger to find 11,000 votes for him. Abuse for Fannie Willis, Alvin Bragg, LaTisha James, Tanya Chuckin. Oh what do they have in common? Alien Cannon auditioning for Scotus dismisses the classified Doc's case. He stole piles of classified documents and put them by his toilet and God only knows how bad that threat is to our national security. Book bans dishing out transphobic hate fear of drag queens the calm stocked act sure whatever gun violence bump stocks okay we're used to it. The debate treating this Breitan Hitler like he's a legit nominee polls. Oh yeah and corrupt Scotus gave him full immunity to do whatever the fuck he wants and his lawyers say he can only be convicted by Congress and the Senate even though McConnell said he can only be convicted by the criminal justice system and so that is a circle of fuck you to the American people. He got grazed by a bullet and we're supposed to condemn the violence when he has screamed for our blood for nearly a decade longer if you count his role in the Central Park five and the lifetime commitment to racism rape culture xenophobia and misogyny all while being puppeted by the heritage a.k.a. Gilead Foundation admitting to his plan to be a dictator pretending he doesn't know what Project 2025 is but writing the melted crayon version of it with his agenda 47 and selecting a VP that wants to eliminate no fault divorce because women should stay in violent marriages should we check on his wife. They're putting panting liners on their ears and telling us we are the crazy ones. There's no way this is all of it but this is why I and most Americans have PTSD so forgive me for the days I overreact watching loved ones support him embrace fascism or refuse to see it gaslight us with both sides rhetoric and it's not that bad burying their heads in the sand and only lifting them out long enough to tell us how unhinged we are for worrying. They even gaslight us about our PTSD calling it Trump derangement syndrome. The people who criticize women for going back to their abusers are telling us we have to go back to our abuser. No we will not go. We will not go.