LIVIN OUR CRAZY LIFE
HOW TO SAY NO, NOT PEOPLE PLEASE, & SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Live In Our Crazy Life podcast. I'm Olivia. And I'm Meghan. Today we're going to talk about how to say no, the big fat and oh, because people are out here still people pleasing, pushing their boundaries and allowing disrespect from people. And that's just not something we're going to be doing anymore. So let's talk about it. I think the biggest problem that people have when it comes to saying no or standing up for themselves is when it comes to an authority figure such as like a manager or your parents or also the conflict that comes with it. And I think that's a big problem. Definitely. I think people are afraid, they think they're going to let someone down by saying no or they're going to disappoint them, but that's not even a real thing. But that shouldn't be on your conscious like it's not your responsibility or your fault if it's disappointing, if they're feeling disappointed by you saying no to something. Because that's a boundary. That's something in yourself people, you need to be able to set boundaries when something is going to make you upset or you don't want to do something. You should be able to say no without a problem. And that person shouldn't ask questions about that. If you say no, like age old time, no means no, you should not be asking questions. You should not push people past the boundaries. It's a sign of respect. You don't push people past that. All the time in life people ask you to do things that you don't want to do. And when you say yes and people please, even though it's something that makes you uncomfortable or it doesn't fit in your schedule or just for whatever reason you don't want to. And each time you say yes, you are making yourself more uncomfortable and you shouldn't be doing that. There's a fine line between saying yes and doing the right thing, but also getting walked over. The more you say yes and yes and yes, and it could be to like anything, the more someone will walk over you. They think they can just keep abusing that because you haven't said no. And that makes you uncomfortable then. You need to have those boundaries. For example, we both work in the nightlife industry and a lot of people think that they can say certain things to us and disrespect us or make sexist remarks, disgusting comments. And we always used to just laugh that off. We used to think that it was, oh, this is your job, this is what you're getting paid for, this is what you're, this is, this is what you signed up for. But there's a fine line between, this is my job, yes. My job is actually to serve you your alcohol and have fun, dance with your job and watch over you. But my job is not to take disrespect. And I have learned that like this coming here. That's a really big thing. I used to just laugh it off and take it as exactly part of the job. But it is not part of the job to take that disrespect. And telling someone, no, I'm not serving you anymore or, you know, that comment actually made me really uncomfortable. That's not something you should be saying to a woman. We're touching. They used to like get your hands off me. Also another problem, I'll be at work and there will be people that I work with that think that they can talk to you a certain way. And for me, I used to let people walk over me. I used to just like take it and not say anything back and just be like, okay, and move on. But as I am like, you know, growing, I guess, I don't take people's disrespect anymore. Like last week and I was working and this girl that I work with yelled at me. And number one, you have no right to yell at me in the first place. Number two, you don't even do your job adequately to be telling me what to do. And there was like cups on the bar tables and she's like, are you going to pick up those cups and clean them up? Like, look at the floor. Jesus Christ, it can't be like this. And she like was yelling at me and I looked at her and I was like, excuse me? No, you have no authority to speak to anyone ever like that because number one, doesn't matter how long you've been working there, it doesn't matter what kind of authority position you're in. And that's something that we might have been more afraid to speak up about earlier is because this is hypothetically someone with more authority that was speaking that way and that's something that maybe you would push under the rug before, but absolutely not anymore. No. And just like little comments that people just like to make, I get it like working at a bar, you step up on each other's toes and you know, you get under each other's skin sometimes, but there's again a fine line and I have boundaries. You don't speak to me a certain way and I don't take disrespect. And that's exactly it, we don't give disrespect to other people, we would never do that to you. Has no one ever taught you the golden rule? You treat people how you want to be treated. You don't, we would never do that to you. So I would never expect for you to do that to me, but they do. That's where the boundaries come in. No, not anymore, exactly. And also a big thing is that it's okay to create new boundaries. So for example, if someone has treated you away in the past and you used to let that go or used to be okay with that and now you're not okay with that. It is so okay to then tell someone actually, I don't like when you do that, don't do that again or it's okay to change up your boundaries for what you allow. It's okay to change. That's another thing, like people think that they can't create new rules or boundaries or limits for themselves because I didn't have these before or I don't want people to think that I'm changing, that's something that you should be doing that. Self growth, come on, self growth, that's the whole point of life. It's no, because people expect you to stay the same. No, I've gone in comments before like, oh, Olivia, like you're not, you know, like you're not the same. Like you're not the same Olivia. You're not the same. Oh, no, I'm not taking people's shit anymore because that gets you nowhere in life. It's not even like a selfish thing or like, I'm not kind. I'm a very kind person, but the moment that you disrespect me, you're, it's done. You also need to be put in your place, like certain people, there's someone that I know that continuously goes around disrespecting all the people that they work with and people in their personal life and no one has ever stood up to her or said anything. It's a gross attribute because now nobody wants to be around her, no one wants to work with her. And now people are starting to talk about it, but this has always been an issue. No one has said anything before and the way you treat other people and the way you conduct yourself in a professional or personal environment makes all the difference. Nobody wants to be around that because it's, it's tiring. It's so tiring to be around someone all the time that's just negative and spews hate all the time. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself and sometimes, if people want to take it as selfish for you to have boundaries set up for yourself and for you to have respect for yourself, then let them because you're only going to hurt yourself if you don't set boundaries. How to set boundaries and to know what is tolerable and not tolerable in your life, what do you think? I think when someone asks me to do something, I'm all for helping out. I'm all for being kind and going out of my way for people. That's again, like you said, a fine line. I'm all for doing that, but when it's something that I actually can't do or maybe I don't need to explain myself, but I just don't want to do it. That's another thing. You don't always have to explain yourself. No, you don't have to explain why you don't want to go in for work. You don't have to tell your boss, "Oh, I'm taking off this day, this day because I'm doing none of your business." I go to work to make money so that I can live my life. I don't go to work. Work is not my life. It's not your business why I'm taking off this day to this day. I'll tell you very briefly, and then that's it. But should be no questions asked, no. There should be no questions asked. I don't need to give you a detailed itinerary of my trip that I'm taking. That's crazy. No. I'm a GMI, a lot of people that are in our work lives, they always want to pry and ask you these questions. I don't know if it's just because they want to make conversation or something, but you also don't need to tell people what's happening in your life or give people all these juicy details about your life. That's a big thing. People ask you so many questions. They don't even care. They're just asking because they have nothing else to talk about. Then they just make a nosy. They're nosy. That's another thing for me. That's a big boundary at my workplace. I don't talk about my personal life ever. It creates so much drama in the workplace, and that's stuff that you should be clocking in at the door. You hang it up at the door, and you go into work. You go to work, and we clock in, we work our shift, we make our money, and we clock out, go home, and then we can live our own life. I find when you do live your life in a people-pleasing cycle and not having boundaries, you become almost hateful or just more negative towards yourself because you're allowing people to push past these things that your comfort level. Although I'm all for pushing comfort, not that type of comfort, if they're completely different. But that's a different comfort. That's exactly. That's exactly. That's exactly. You should never get to a point. No, that's actually true. I've actually seen it with you and myself this past year. We have started to say no to a lot of things, and also just have so much more respect for ourselves where we're able to stand up for ourselves and not people please. Life has been looking a lot more positive since you've started saying no to people. Since you've started putting up boundaries, since you started standing up for yourself and working for yourself. People hate to see you doing well, and people hate to see you setting boundaries and changing. They take that as if it's against them. I don't know why people take things that have nothing to do with them, so personal. I don't know where that comes from. I think people need to mind their own business more, and they need to set boundaries in their own life. If you're offended by somebody telling you no or somebody who doesn't want to do something for you, you need to respect that, and if you don't, you need to take a long hard look in the mirror at why that offends you. That's not trying to be selfish or disrespectful in any way. I'm all for being kind and going out of my way for people, but when it starts to make you uncomfortable is when the line is drawn, and that needs to be taken up with yourself. I'd be wrong, but I actually think that when you learn to not be a people pleaser and you learn all of these things, you become very powerful, and that's why people, I think it's like a secret actually, like in life. I think that once you discover how to say no, that's when people hate you. People, I don't know, I've really seen it this past year that since I've changed so much and have just become, I'm not taking people's bullshit anymore, and I have seen a lot of people start switching ways. People have been acting really weird this year, and people get upset because they're not able to do it for themselves, because it's not really an easy thing to just say no to people. It can be when you work on it, it's a skill really, but it's a difficult thing, and when people aren't able to do it for themselves and they see other people doing it, they get upset with themselves and that turns into jealousy and envy on you. So I think to answer the big question how to say no is, I think that it comes with taking a lot. I think that the more you take it and the more, I think you have to hit a realization point. You come to a point where it's like, no, not anymore, and let these people walk over. It's really a mind thing. It is a skill. You really have to actually be like, you might lose people in your life, but you have to be okay with that, and you just have to learn, you really do just have to learn how to start saying no. Little things, just little by little, and you can't be scared of what people are going to think because it's only going to better you. Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. At the end of the day you really do only have yourself and you can call it selfish, but if you're not putting yourself first, nobody's putting you first. No, you need to put yourself first. And the only people you're going to hurt or offend or lose from your life are people who weren't meant to be there in the first place. Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or someone who doesn't respect your no is not someone you want in your life at the end of the day. So yeah, I think the big way that you learn to say no is by getting to a point where you take exactly so much shit from people that you get so fed up with yourself and with pushing your level of what you allow and what you're comfortable with to where you just don't allow that anymore. And exactly, it just switches off in your head and you go, absolutely not. I actually don't have to take this. I'm not entitled to do anything for anyone. I'm not entitled to, you know, take that type of behavior from people. So I'm not going to anymore. Yeah, for sure. I think that people pleasing to stop doing that is really ties in with yourself, like self-worth and having like self-love with that comes self-respect. And if you don't have any of that, then you almost are going to be a people pleaser because you're not happy with yourself. You have nothing to stand on. You don't have any firm sense of self that you can back up on. See, but with us, we don't like I am out of people pleaser for you like, I don't do things. No, because like, you know what I think it is? I think it's because we've already been in each other's lives for so long. We've already actually let each other down. We've already gone through all of that where it's firm and knowing that nothing we do is going to change our relationship with each other. I think it's secure. I think what it is is that when you have relationships with other people that you're maybe not as close with or that you're not 100% certain on where it stands, you're more inclined to people please for them because you're afraid to let them down or you're afraid to, it's not even let them down, but they might leave because they're not impressed with you or they're, you know what I mean? They don't like you enough and that's like your own insecurity. Yeah. It's like if somebody, if it's like a new friendship or a new relationship, it's like, oh, I don't want to say no because I don't want to let them down or I, and actually I've seen this a lot. Like people really push their boundaries when it comes to like new people in their life because you want them to like you. Definitely. I think that happens a lot with men too is that if someone is pressuring you to do something that maybe you don't feel comfortable to do or you're not ready to do necessarily, I think a lot of people push past their boundary because they want that guy to stay interested in them or they want, they think they think that that's what's going to keep them interested or that that guy wants this or that, but that's, that's pushing your own battery, making your own limits uncomfortable by doing those things that you're not comfortable with, that you think somebody else expects of you or you think that's going to make that person like you or want you more, you are just disrespecting yourself and you, you're not getting anything out of that. They will never know the real you and that inner turmoil when you go home at night and you have to sit by yourself on your couch and look at yourself and think that you did something you were not comfortable with or same thing with family life or friends or in the workplace, you have to sit with that in yourself and that turmoil is something that is what will make you get to the point where you now need change, you can't do that forever. Yeah. You have to really ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth going against everything that I believe in just to make people happy? And the answers to that should be no because they never will be happy. So you can't make other people happy, you can't make people like you. Doing these things doesn't make people like you or respect you at all. To not be a people pleaser is like a whole new way of life. It's a whole new lifestyle and that journey can become very lonely. You lose a lot of people but then you get to know who your real friends are and the real people around you. When you're being a people pleaser, you're living for a made up version of yourself. You're not living for that person that you're trying to people please because ultimately they don't care. They're living their own life. They don't actually care about what you're doing. You think they do, they don't care if you say no or if you aren't available or whatever it is. They don't care. You're not living for yourself because if you were living for yourself, you'd be putting yourself first. It should be what do I want to do, not what can I do to make other people comfortable, what can I do for you all the time before yourself. You need to take a look at yourself and not in a selfish way but in a I am the only one who has my own back and I need to look out for myself type of way. Definitely a work in progress but once you figure out yourself and you're secure within yourself and you know your self worth, it just comes to you and you learn how to say no and I guess we can do an episode on that because it's a whole different thing learning how to love yourself properly and actually take care of yourself but once I learned that like and was able to actually like myself, I really learned how to say no to a lot of people and a lot of things and there's a lot of things that I don't take anymore. Learn how to be secure with yourself, know your worth. My last little bit is that people pleasing gets you nowhere so why do it? Ultimately at the end of the day, you know you need to sit down and have a little talk with yourself and think about some things that you do now in your life that make you uncomfortable and things that you don't want to be doing anymore and then stick with those. It's okay to say no, it's not being a problem or creating conflict, it's sticking to your own morals, your code, your values and that's something that's really, really important. We will see you guys next Wednesday. Thank you for watching. Have a great day. Bye. Bye, bye.
This week we talk about the importance of saying no, but more specifically HOW TO say no. Why people pleasing serves you no purpose and finally setting boundaries.