KBKabaret Week Ninety Five Podcast Show Notes
54:03
A Kallaballo of Variety in Parlor City
Upstate New York: Leatherstocking Region
Show contains original skits, observations, music, and even recipes
Producer, Host, and Head Writer: Bree Harvey
Actors: Bree Harvey, Kate Murray, Judy McMahon, Charles Berman, John Carey, and John Montgomery. Special Guest Actor: Dawn Gould
Music by Bree Harvey
Granny Ada
Written by Bree Harvey
Episode: On Line Dating
Starring Judy McMahon and Bree Harvey
Beulah Dehsams: Parlor City’s Chef Extraordinaire
Beulah’s Exercise Saturation Regimen
Starring Judy McMahon, Dawn Gould, and Bree Harvey
Camping Wife Swap
By John Montgomery
Starring John Montgomery, Kate Murray, John Carey, and Bree Harvey
I Dream About You
Song and Lyrics by Bree Harvey
Meeting Dad
Written by John Montgomery
Starring John Montgomery, John Carey, Kate Murray, and Bree Harvey
Dorothy at Costco
Written by John Carey
Starring Kate Murray and Bree Harvey
Mysterious Black Eye
Written by John Montgomery
Starring John Montgomery, Kate Murray, John Carey, Charles Berman, and Bree Harvey
Passing Of Our Fears
Song and Lyrics by Bree Harvey
Ballpark Food
Written by John Montgomery
Starring by John Montgomery, Kate Murray, John Carey, and Bree Harvey
Damn It To Good
Song and Lyrics by Bree Harvey
911 EMT
Written John Carey
Starring Kate Murray and Bree Harvey
Locked Out
Written by Bree Harvey
Starring Kate Murray, John Montgomery, and John Carey
Online Fever
Music and Lyrics by Bree Harvey
Sound Engineer and Announcer: Charles Berman
Assistant Sound Engineer: Valentine- Terrell- Monfeuga
Original Music Written By Bree Harvey
Arraigned by Cristina Dinella and Dave Rice of Basement Studios
Produced by BHH Productions L. L. C.
©2017 All rights reserved.
The post KBKabaret Week Ninety Five Podcast appeared first on KB Kabaret.
[ Music ] >> BHH Productions presents KB Cabaret, an original variety show. With your host, Bree Harvey. [ Applause ] >> Hi folks, welcome to KB Cabaret. My name is Bree Harvey, head writer and producer of this show. KB Cabaret is a callibou of original skits, songs, poetry and short stories. What's callibou you ask magic from a child's creative imagination? I was five when I coined that word, and it's been around my family ever since. The settings originate from my hometown, Parler City. And the stories originate from people who are-- >> Names, characters, places and incidents, either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. >> Thank you Bonnie, that folks obviously was my lawyer. Story, my friends, the Parler City players. Judy McMahon, Bonnie DeParras, Charles Berman, John Kerry, John Montgomery and myself. Bree Harvey. >> Welcome to our town. Welcome to Parler City, where our friends come. How am I to play? When neighbors don't leave, they stay and chat a while. Welcome to our time to KB Cabaret. >> This week, a special best-of episode of KB Cabaret, featuring music from the show's producer, Bree Harvey. >> Welcome to our time to KB Cabaret. >> You heard them on the show. >> You've tapped your toes to their music. Now come to see them live, as BHH Productions presents the first annual music and comedy festival of August 13th at Traditions on the Glen Johnson City. >> You like food? >> We got food. >> Like to shop? >> We got vendors. >> Like music? >> Oh yeah. >> Come see Burns and Christie. >> Hey, Mavis. >> ♪ When I heard your violin play something stirred ♪ >> Next, check in. >> Andrew B. Mavis. >> Peaches and crime. >> ♪ You're not the bill like getting higher ♪ >> ♪ And the young are getting older ♪ >> ♪ It's a good little company ♪ >> Red Feral. >> ♪ A feather folded in two pockets that you draw ♪ >> ♪ The picklers ♪ >> ♪ Milkweed ♪ >> ♪ Well I got a hotel room ♪ >> ♪ And a hotel lobby ♪ >> ♪ And a plank town parable ♪ >> ♪ Just in a twist and sense ♪ >> ♪ 2 a.m. ♪ >> ♪ So I slipped out of bed ♪ >> ♪ Live on stage ♪ >> This summer. >> Sunday, August 13th from 1 to 6th at Traditions of the Glen. >> Plus, see amazing comedy featuring our KB Cabaret players live. >> With special guest Tom Anselot and the Queen Bee Comedians. >> Tickets on sale, now. >> Just go to kbcabaret.com. >> That's KBK-A-B-A-R-E-T.com. >> Save the date for the sensation of the summer. >> Music and comedy festival. Sunday, August 13th at Traditions at the Glen in Johnson City, New York. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Mornings are a special time for me. My rituals are simple. A good cup of coffee, soft classical music, and a little daily feature in our local newspaper called, Advice with Granny Atta. ♪ ♪ >> Dear Granny Atta, what do you think about online dating? For the last three weeks, I have been online with this wonderful man from Rhode Island, who's working for one of the many oil rigs in Saudi Arabia. He told me he has a 13-year-old daughter with him, and she loves it there. Granny Atta, I never met such a kind, romantic, loving man as Sebastian. He's also such a wonderful father. He has sent me roses and poetry. I'm swept away. My dilemma is this. His little girl lost her passport, and his money is tied up in investment funds overseas. He's desperate. He's asking me to wire him $10,000 so he can pay for his daughter's papers and airfare back to the country. What is the most secure way for me to send these funds to my darling, Sebastian, and his poor little girl? I'm in love and lost in space. >> Dear Lost, how delightful. You seem head over heels for this virtual Romeo. He seems like a real gem. My best advice is for you to keep your funds in your pocket. That is the safest, most secure route you can take. This is a scam, dear. No man would ask you to send him $10,000 for anything in three months. You've never met him or held him or had him. Drop him and fast. Otherwise, you will be asking for money from your family to bail you out of the poor house. Thank you for writing, honey, and have a nice day. [music] >> Am I here, Biola, during the show? Come on in. >> Ladies and gentlemen, parlor city chef extraordinaire, Biola de Champs. >> Thank you, dear. >> My Biola, you look all sporty this morning. Ready to go to the gym? >> Well, you are right, dear. I am ready to train, and I brought my life coach Bernadette Bowes along. Would you like to meet her? She's right outside. >> Why, of course, Biola. The more the merrier I always say. >> Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Bernadette Bowes. >> Oh, well, that's very nice of you. >> Bernadette is helping to get in shape for the summer. She has mapped out exercises I must adhere to. >> Our bodies must be in constant movement. Mother Nature made us mobile, not sedentary. >> I appreciate that. You look perfectly mobile and in shape. >> Well, I exercise three hours a day, that includes cardio, toning, and planks. >> And Bernadette here has told me I must keep saturated. >> That's right. Drinking at least ten, eight ounce classes of water a day is most important for our metabolism and additional health benefits. >> Well, Biola is kind of an expert in keeping saturated. Really, I'm impressed. >> Well, dear, I especially am tickled by the protein shake that Bernadette has recommended for me to make. >> This is a specially formulated protein shake that is made up of all sorts of super fruits and super greens, creating super energy and super nutrition. >> That's right. >> And I added some additional super fruits to boost the flavor to make it even more super. There's some plums, pears, and peaches right inside to give this protein shake extra shake up. Here, I brought 20 ounce shakes for the both of you. >> Thank you. Thank you, Biola. >> Cheers. >> Mmm. >> This is yummy. >> Oh, my. Mmm, Biola. May I talk to you privately for a moment? >> Why, of course, dear. >> What's on your mind, dear? >> Did you add distilled fermented fruit to the shake? >> Why, whatever, do you mean, dear? >> Is this moonshine? >> Oh, how did you guess, dear? >> Because it's super strong. >> Well, Bernadette is enjoying hers. >> Don't you think we ought to tell her? >> Oh, no, dear, don't. She's been having a bad time with her boyfriend lately. Let her enjoy herself a little. Besides, she's working me to the bone. I need some rest. >> I don't know. I still think we should tell her. >> Look, dear, how happy she is. >> Mmm, ah, Biola. Do you have any more of this super protein mixture? It's so super. >> Oh, you can have breeze. >> I don't think that's really a good idea. >> Don't you like me? >> No, it's not. >> Then give it to me. I want it. >> Here, dear, enjoy. >> Biola, no Bernadette slowed down. I have to tell you, in good conscience, you're drinking moonshine. >> Killjoy. >> Mmm, you're right. No, you're wrong. This thing is pure sunshine. Woo-hoo. I'm running, running, I'm running on pure sunshine. Let's do some blanks. And she's out. >> Good job, Biola. >> Oh, boys. Would you kindly take Miss Bernadette Bose home? >> Oh, Biola. Poor Miss Bose. >> Oh, never you mind your pretty little head. She'll be just fine after her power nap. Well, doodles, I got to run. Have to keep the body moving. Cheers. >> Bye. >> Well, folks, to be fair, I shall be posting a real protein shake recipe on Biola's link. Just go to kbcabaret.com. That's K-B-K-A-B-A-R-E-T.C-O-M. And scroll down to Biola's recipe bar. ♪♪ >> Good morning, Bob. It's 6 a.m., the sun is shining, and Mother Nature is beautiful. Come on, get up. It's a fantastic day in the woods. >> I hate the woods. I hate camping. I want to be back home in my bed. >> Bob, we've been through this a thousand times. I only ask you to come with me for one camping trip a year. You knew that when we got married. It's your husbandly duty. >> Hey, I'm here, aren't I? I just spent a sleepless night tossing and turning in this lumpy sleeping bag in a stuffy tent getting eaten by giant insects. I hate camping. >> It doesn't do either of us any good for you to lie there and complain. Get up. >> What's for breakfast? >> Grilled trout. >> Really? Well, that sounds good. Where'd you get the trout? >> You and I are going fishing right now to catch them. >> What? >> No. You know I hate fishing. >> I can't stand baiting that hook. It's disgusting. >> Speaking of disgusting, you smell pretty bad. >> That's because I haven't had a shower in three days. I hate camping. I want to go home to my shower and my TV and my couch. And I'm not going fishing. >> Hello? Anyone awake over there? >> That's another thing I hate about camping. Total strangers wanting to be your best friends. >> It's just one man from the next campsite. >> Yes, we're awake. Come on over. >> Hey, I'm not even out of the sack yet. I don't want some bozo sticking his nose in here. Good morning campers. I'm Ted. It's a great day to be alive and in the woods. >> No, it's not. Get out of here. >> Don't listen to him, Ted. I'm Carol. And the grumpy old man over there in the sleeping bag is Bob. >> Well, hello, Bob. How are you? Say, you're smelling pretty foul. Haven't you been bathing in the river? That's how we campers stay fresh and fragrant. I'm not a camper. Now, get out of my tent. I'm trying to sleep. Now, now, now, you'll never become a camper with that attitude. I'll see you later. I'm going down to the river with my fishing pole and catch me some breakfast. >> You're a fisherman? Well, I'm going with you, Ted. >> Great. You know, Bob, you ought to go see my wife in the next tent. She's a camping hater, too. She's been snarling at me for three days. You know, you two kind of deserve each other. Bye, honey. Don't let the snakes and mosquitoes bite. A camping hater, eh? It would be so nice to talk to someone who understands the reality of this worldwide camping menace. I think I will over and check this lady out. Hello? Anybody home? Who the hell is that? Ted! There's an intruder in here. Oh, it smells terrible. Calm down. I'm Bob from the next campsite, and I just met Ted. I hate camping as much as you do. Seriously? Are you sure? Because I really hate camping. No showers, no TV, and no toilets? No electricity, no sleep, and no air conditioning. And don't you just hate the way the smoke from the campfire is always blowing directly in your face? Come on in, Bob. You're my kind of guy. I'm Alice. Wow. This tent is just as repulsive as the one I'm in. Nauseating, isn't it? You have anything to eat in here? Yeah, I'm stuck in some M&Ms. You want some? Oh, I'd love some. I'm so sick of hot dogs and s'mores. Bob, I cannot believe what kind of spirits we are. You didn't smell so bad. I'd invite you right into my sleeping bag. Alice, why don't we escape from here? Let's go somewhere where no camping lovers can ever find us. Someplace with running water and filet mignon and champagne. I'm in, and the first thing we'll do is get you a shower. And after that, the possibilities are endless. Let's go. Honey, come and see the trout we caught. Breakfast is coming right up. Alice? Bob? Well, where'd they go? Who cares? We have breakfast in a beautiful sunny day. Then we both love camping. I just wish we had some air freshener. It smells like a camping hater slept here. What you heard was a little bit of my song called "I Dream About You." I read this for a young woman who needed an upbeat pop song. Yes, I take orders once in a while. It's a typical cute teen story. Girl fantasizes about a boy. Boy fantasizes about a girl. And they realize they don't have to fantasize because the crush is mutual. So here you go. I dream about you. ♪ ♪ There's sighted class of classroom ♪ ♪ You're the boy I've seen ♪ ♪ And always knew you were there ♪ ♪ And if you know, I was alive ♪ ♪ There I was sitting next to you ♪ ♪ All that feeling came of danger ♪ ♪ Been pounding from my heart ♪ ♪ Wishing my dreams upon you ♪ ♪ That you looked up at me ♪ ♪ And I was trembling to finally see my dreams come true ♪ ♪ I dreamed about you ♪ ♪ I dreamed about you ♪ ♪ You beat me my heart forever ♪ ♪ You came out of bed for my fantasy ♪ ♪ I dreamed about you loving me ♪ ♪ Now you say you saw me walking through hundred times before ♪ ♪ And I never knew who she said I know ♪ ♪ But beat me with a smile ♪ ♪ Now I was sitting next to you ♪ ♪ All that feeling came of danger ♪ ♪ Been pounding from my heart ♪ ♪ Wishing my dreams upon you ♪ ♪ That you looked up at me ♪ ♪ And I was trembling to finally see my dreams come true ♪ ♪ You dreamed about me ♪ ♪ You dreamed about me ♪ ♪ I beat me your heart forever ♪ ♪ I've come out of bed from your fantasy ♪ ♪ Now our dreams have finally come true ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Now you say you saw me walking through hundred times before ♪ ♪ And I never knew who she said I know ♪ ♪ But beat me with a smile ♪ ♪ And I was sitting next to you ♪ ♪ All that feeling came of danger ♪ ♪ Were pounding from my heart ♪ ♪ Wishing my dreams upon you ♪ ♪ Then you looked up at me ♪ ♪ And I was trembling to finally see my dreams come true ♪ ♪ You dreamed about me ♪ ♪ I dreamed about you ♪ ♪ We've been in our hearts forever ♪ ♪ You've come out of bed from my fantasy ♪ ♪ Now our dreams have finally come true ♪ ♪ Our dreams have finally ♪ ♪ Our dreams have finally come true ♪ Jane, I don't see why we have to make such a big deal about me meeting your parents. I'm 44 years old for God's sake, so I'm too old for this. No, you're not. My father is very old-fashioned. And if we're going to be together, we'll need his approval. Why do I feel like I'm 15 again? Oh, Mr. Burns, I'm Richard Garfield from Janie School. Can she come out and play? Cut it out, Richie. Come on. Maybe you'll like my dad. And maybe the pigs will fly tonight. Quiet. Here we are. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. This is Richie. Well, hello, Richie. Welcome to our home. What are your intentions with my daughter, young man? Dad, you just met Richie. Give him a minute. Well, that last guy you brought over here didn't work out so well. That was 25 years ago? Now there's no use crying over spilled milk. Richie, why don't you find something on TV while Jane and I get dinner ready? Good idea. There's a Yankee game on. Very short with a bitch. Found it on the ground of these shorts. I counted by croats. Set some throws at him. He got him. What are you watching on my TV, son? The Yankee game. Is that football? No, baseball. See Yankees. I don't know anything about baseball. Oh, what sports do you follow? None of them. Damn waste of time. I told the guy who delivers the paper to pull the sports section right out of it before he drops it off here. Got me a 25 cent discount. Yeah, that's a great idea. Sorry, I don't know your first name. My first name is Mr. Mr. Burns. Oh, yes, sir. Mr. Burns. How long's this game going to last? It's only the second inning, so it'll be about another two hours or so. Well, that's too bad because Lawrence Wilk starts in 15 minutes. Oh, Lawrence Wilk. Oh, that's a good one. Did I say something funny? Well, yeah, Lawrence Wilk. Oh, you're serious about that. You actually watched Lawrence Wilk. Hasn't he been dead for like ten years? Watch it, son. Lawrence will live forever. He's the king of champagne music. Champagne? You like champagne? Of course not. I'm a tea-toler just like my daddy was before me. Alcohol is the devil's cocktail. Right, well, couldn't you just DVR Lawrence Wilk for this week and watch it later? DVR? Too high tech for me. VCR? Real to real tape recorder? Better get it. Change the channel. I don't want to miss the bubble machine at the start of the show. How's it going in here? Great. Your dad was just telling me about the lovely Lenin sisters. Thank you, boys. It was a real tall tapper. You know, Jane, maybe your ex wasn't so bad after all. Suppose you could get him back before it's too late. Everyone in the dining room. Dinner's ready. Maybe I can catch the end of the game after dinner and Lawrence Wilk are all done. He had seven o'clock. Hey, somebody just blew it up a cow. Alan, that gun, it's still in the hard closet, right? Dad! Dorothy in Costco. As Dorothy is about to leave Oz to go home, she stands at the end of the yellow brick road while her new friend, Betsy Bobbin, begs her to take her with her. Betsy Bobbin, are you sure you want to leave Oz and come back to Kansas with me? Oh, yes, Dorothy. Your world's so, so wonderful. Please take me with you. It is wonderful and it's fun and it's beautiful and you're going to love Auntie M as much as I do. Now take my hand and close your eyes. I'm going to click my heels together three times and we'll both go to where my heart desires most home. I can't wait. Dorothy, this is so exciting. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Uh-oh. What do you mean? Uh-oh. This isn't Kansas. Where are we? This is such a strange place. I don't know. Let's have a look around. You go that way and I'll check over there. Okay, meet back here in ten minutes. Dorothy! Dorothy! Where are you? Dorothy! Over here. Over where? In the video room. What's a video room? I don't know. That's what it says over the door. Come to the back corner. There's a big sign out front that says Costco. I thought we were a detective. It's just about to tell this rich guy that he discovered his wife is sleeping with the pee pod delivery man. While he was investigating the disappearance of the rich guy's daughter who has believed to have been kidnapped by the evil twin brother of the pool boy while she was on vacation in Al Capulco. The music alone on this thing makes me want to cry. What? I said, I hate you. I just don't understand. What is this thing? I think it's called television. In the 50% off, that's got to be a good thing, right? Dorothy, do you have any idea? Popcorn's ready. Want some? No, I don't. What's popcorn? Package says it's a snack. I found it on a shelf in aisle 47. Smells good. Here, try some. This is good. Wait, come on. You have to get out of here. Watch what happens when I call the lever on the side of this chair. Now, that's what I call comfort. Dorothy, Dorothy, you have to go now. You go here, take the shoes. What about home? Total, on TM. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll catch up with you guys later. Your nuts. Nuts is leaving before I can find that stuff that'll make my teeth wider. I'll be right back. They have stuff here that makes your teeth wider? That's what the handsome man on television just said. Oh, my. What else did he say? Well, there's this thing called a crack. Sunday morning at home. Oh, man. I feel terrible. I never had a hangover this bad before. Harry, you get no sympathy from me. You have no one to blame but yourself. You don't know when you've had enough and it's not just a hangover you have. What are you talking about? Look at yourself in the mirror. Oh, I can hardly stand up. Ah! Oh, what happened? How did I get that black eye? You don't remember? I don't remember anything after the second Manhattan on the rocks. You got sick. Oh, I do sort of remember that. But what about the black eye? You banged your face against the toilet seat. Oh, I'm such an idiot. That's the first intelligent thing you've said all day. How am I going to explain this black eye to the guys at work? I can't tell them I banged my face on the toilet seat. Just tell them you're an idiot. They'll believe that. Monday morning at work. Hey, good morning, Harry. How was your... whoa, man, you look terrible. How'd you get that black eye? Shh, don't yell so loud, Vinnie. See, here's the thing. I got in a fight at a bar. What? A fight? What bar? Well, you know that bar out on Route 46, the rattlesnake saloon? Yeah, to dive. I wouldn't get within 10 miles of that place. And you got in a fight there? Yeah, I was there Saturday night and... Well, you know, this dude was giving me a hard time. So we got in a fight. A fight? At the rattlesnake. Are you crazy? No. Well, yeah, I am sort of crazy. He thought he was really tough and I had to show him I was tougher. Damn, you're a monster. Well, what happened to the other guy? Um, well, I don't quite remember, but... I think I broke his nose. Well, let's go over there tonight and get that guy. No, no, no, no. I just want to forget the whole thing. It's not that important. Hey, nobody gives my bestie a black eye. I'll pick you up at eight. Oh, no! Monday night at the rattlesnake saloon. Okay, Harry, you just keep quiet and look pathetic. I'm going to pretend that I'm your attorney. Maybe we can get a quick payoff. Come on, Vinnie. I don't want to do this. Let's get out of here. Shut up and let me handle this. Uh, excuse me. I want to speak to what was in charge of this place. That's me. Well, my client was assaulted in your establishment Saturday night. Do you know anything about that? What? There weren't any fights here Saturday night. Uh, Harry? Oh, well, right. You see, um, the actual fight? The actual fight itself took place out in the parking lot. Yeah, that's probably why you didn't. Nobody saw it. Oh, well, you know what? Actually, I did hear something about that. Tony hit some guy in the face out there. Was that you? Yes, it was. That was me. Look at my eye. Tony did that. Uh-huh. Now we're getting somewhere. Where can we find this Tony? She usually comes in around nine. She? She? Oh, there goes our payoff, Harry. What's the story, huh? What really happened? Well, the honest truth. It was a toilet seat. You mean Tony hit you with a toilet seat? Yes, she did. Here comes Tony now. Uh-oh. Hey, honey. Come on over here. We want to talk to you. Nobody calls me, honey. Oh, oh, man. Hey, Vinny. Now we have a match set of black eyes. Okay, guys. How about if I give you 50 bucks and we'll call even? We'll take it. We have a 35 at the corner of Maple and done more. Some guy decided to climb the tree and won't come down. He's pretending to throw a rope up onto the branch above to lift himself higher. He's a mime. Trying to say something, but nothing's coming out. They used to speak a little mime in my younger day. Oh, I see. That explains everything. What did he say? Don't miss the music and comedy festival August 13th at Traditions at the Glen & Johnson City New York. C.K.B. Cabaret Live as they celebrate their 100th show along with a whole gaggle of guest comedians. Not to mention a star-rated lineup of musical acts and a special appearance by Sketch Comedy Group Moose Pie. All topped off by stand-up comedy headliner Tom Anselone. Can you believe it? A music and comedy festival right in our own backyard. You said all that? Yes. Now let's get out of here so we can get ready for the comedy festival. But what about the mime? Yeah, he'll be fine as soon as that fierce windstorm is over. Now he's trapped in a box. What do we do? Nothing. Music and Comedy Festival August 13th at Traditions at the Glen & Johnson City New York. See you there. Debbie, isn't it great to be out here at the ballpark? There's no place I'd rather be. You're right, Jeff. This is paradise in the sunshine. Go, parlour city polka. Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs. Get your red hot hot dogs here. Honey, let's get a couple of hot dogs. It just seemed to taste better here at the ballpark. You bet. Hey, hot dogs over here. How many do you want? We'll have two, one with mustard and onions and one with ketchup and relish. Coming right up. Here you go. That'll be $15. Excuse me, ma'am. Would you mind passing this money over to him and then passing the hot dogs back to us? I can't reach out to the aisle. Okay, sure. I don't really like eating at the ballpark. I'd rather concentrate on the game. Oh, we love the food here. It's all part of the baseball experience. Go, polka. Ice cream, get your ice cream here. Two ice cream cones over here. Here you go. That'll be $8. Can you help us out again? Well, okay. One more time. Hey, you just dripped chocolate ice cream on my blows. That'll never come out. Oh, sorry. Well, you shouldn't wear such good clothes to the game. Spaghetti, get your spaghetti and meatballs over here. Spaghetti and a baseball game? It's delicious. Two orders of spaghetti and meatballs, please. Two spaghetti and meatballs coming right up. That'll be $27.50, sir. Well, I'm not passing that over. It'll make a mess. Okay, I'll just reach over you and grab it myself. Oh, love, oh. You clumsy fool! Your spaghetti and meatballs are in my lap. Oh, would you mind if we just ate it from there? We'd hate to have it go to waste. We can get you an extra fork, too. Get away from me. You people are pigs. Well, there's no reason to be so snippy about it. You should enjoy the aroma of all this good food. Oysters, Rockefeller! Get your oysters, Rockefeller, over here. We'll have two orders of the oysters, Rockefeller. Ma'am, can we get one for you to make up for all the trouble? No, keep that disgusting stuff away from me. Two orders of oysters, Rockefeller, come it up. That'll be $52, even, sir. This woman is no longer cooperating with us. Why don't you just toss those oysters to us one at a time? Sure, sounds like fun. Ready? Here comes the first one. Oh, that hit me in the head. Me team a little higher next time. Want to see my curveball oyster pitch? Stop this. Right now. This is a shocking display of bad manners. Come on. How was it a fun? Enough of your idea fun for one day. I've had enough of your idea fun for one day. This is supposed to be a baseball game, not a restaurant. I'm going home. Poor woman. She must be hungry. Get your chateau brian with wild mushrooms, risotto, and roasted asparagus here. Hey, how much is that? If you have to ask, you can't afford it, sir. Ready for round two, honey? Oh, I just love baseball. The next song that you're going to be hearing was a fun song to create. I just used the first sentence that I unfortunately said to my mother. She didn't want to believe for some reason that I was okay. More than okay. So I just yelled it out. This inspired me to write the song in lyrics. Sorry. I know you don't say these things to your mother, but damn it, I'm good. [music] Damn it, I'm fine. I'm good. I finally understood, don't you see? I'm me. Damn it, I'm good. Damn it, I'm strong. I'm proud. I finally found my spine. I am free. From being a game and I'm good. There were some trouble times ahead. I've been down to tears of shift. And by my pride was buried low. That's when I said, oh, then I know I'd fight. I'm good. I finally understood, don't you see? I'm me. Damn it, I'm good. [music] Damn it, I'm dry. I'm fine. Making mistakes are fun. I have love to see. Damn it, I'm good. I'm a child. I'm good. I finally know my word. I have peace. I'm strong, give it a boo. There were some trouble times ahead. I've been down to tears of shift. And by my pride was buried low. That's when I said, oh, then I'm a child. I finally know my word. I have peace. I'm strong, give it a boo. There were some trouble times ahead. I'm fine. I'm good. I finally understood, don't you see? I'm me. Damn it, I'm good. [music] 9-1-1, what's your emergency? I need to speak with your EMT. I'm sorry, but there are no EMTs here. What's your emergency? No emergency. I just need to speak with your EMT. I just told you, ma'am, there are no EMTs here. Do you have an emergency? Well, I just told you that I don't. All I want to do is speak with the EMT that came to my house earlier today. Ma'am, this is an emergency call center. Staffed only with qualified medical operators. If you have no emergency, then you need to hang up immediately. Okay, but when he gets back, tell him to call me. Should I leave you my number, or does it just pop up on your screen? No, ma'am. On all accounts, you need to hang up now, or I will dispatch the police. Do you know where he's going next? Maybe I can meet him there. Hang on. Let me grab a pen. That's it. I'm dispatching an officer to your location. Please remain where you are. But what about the EMT? Where do you keep them? We don't keep them anywhere, ma'am. They belong to various emergency squads throughout the surrounding communities. And we dispatch them as necessary. Oh. You sound disappointed. I am. Why? What makes you think we have EMTs here? Well, first off, I leave with my mother, and she's getting up there in years. Well, earlier today, she took a nasty little fall in the garden. I told her I was going to get the weeds, but she wouldn't listen. She's like that, you know, has to be done right this minute. And it's not like she didn't know where the edge of the fountain was, because she's the one who had to put in. So she's bending over, something the doctor told her she shouldn't do, and starts pulling the weeds. And for some reason, stops paying attention, backs into the wall, and plop, over she went. Probably serves her right, but we weren't sure if she had broken anything, so just to be safe, we called 911. You guys. Uh-huh. And you sent over the EMT. Uh-huh. A really cute EMT. Uh-huh. He was so adorable and handsome, and he got my mom on her feet in no time. You know, I think we had a few moments while he was here. But he left before I had a chance to get his phone number, and I just thought... That you would call us to get it. So you'll do it. No. Oh, come on. That's not how it works. Well, how does it work? Oh, for God's sake. Wait a minute. There's someone at the door. Ma'am. I think it's a police officer. Ma'am, as soon as the officer... Ooh, he's cute. Ma'am. Wait, you do that at EMT? Ma'am. I'm not making the same mistake twice. Well, hello, handsome. Come in. Honey, we're late. I know. I'm just finishing up. I'll be right out. Come on already. Okay, okay, okay. Honey, you're not funny. What are you talking about? Stop fooling around. I can't open the door. What do you mean you can't open the door? Aren't you holding the door? No. Well, that's just great. Then the lock is jammed. Let me try. What am I gonna do? I've a speech to give in half an hour. I know, I know. Try soap. Soap? Yeah, on the lock. Okay, I'll use the liquid soap. Is it working? Wait. Well? No, the lock's not budging. What are you doing? Banging on the lock with my shoe. I heard something. I think I heard the lock move. No. What you heard was the heel breaking off of my shoe. I hate my life. Let me get a screwdriver. How can drinking of vodka and orange juice help us now? No, a real screwdriver that unscrews screws. Well, the screws are in here, not out there. Oh. Wait, I have an idea. What? I'm going to climb out the window. Are you nuts? We're three flights up. Let me call a locksmith. It's the weekend. If you can find a locksmith at all during the weekend, they'll charge us time and a half. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. What happened? Did you open the window? No, I didn't open the window. It's a painted shot. But I think I threw out my back. I can't stand up straight. That's it. Stand back. I'm breaking down the door. No, that's a terrible idea. Don't. I've seen how they do it in the movies. I'm going to do it. Ow. Ow. Oh, I think I broke my shoulder. Oh. Oh. My god, I told you that was a terrible idea. Oh. What's going on in here? I can hear you guys all the way downstairs. I can't even hear my wars of combat game. Your mother's stuck in the bathroom. Oh, my god. Now I've got to run into my stocking. Is that all? All you have to do is jiggle the knob. See? No sweat. I'm going back now to my game later. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? My whole life flashed before my eyes. And he just comes in here in jiggles. I think I'm about to bath out from the bane. Drive me to the hospital. Okay, I'll take you. But I have to go to the bathroom first. No! The next song you're going to be hearing is called "Online Fever." Now, "Online Fever" is definitely not my typical song. I'm actually hard rockin' it here. The words to this song made the melody. It's about internet dating, addiction, and being catfished. All serious subjects. The people I am dedicating this to know who they are. (music) Let's start with drugs, long walks, both drugs. Well you want, don't you want empty, hon? 1 a.m. bad time on the line. But last time, one more try, don't you cry. I pray, baby, why not stand? (music) Wake up, baby, that a romance. (music) (music) (music) (music) Oh, that's what's next. We checked you, friend. No wait this time, all alone. We am on the phone. No one's home. (music) I pray, baby, why not stand? (music) Wake up, baby, that a romance. (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) You heard them on the show. You've tapped your toes to their music. Now come to see them live. As VHH Productions presents, the first annual music and comedy festival of August 13th at Traditions on the Glen Johnson City. You like food? We got food. You like to shop? We got vendors. You like music? Oh, yeah. Come see Burns and Christie. (music) Hey, Mavis. (music) Next chicken. (music) Andrew Bemis. (music) Peaches and crime. (music) Red Farrow. (music) The Pickler's. (music) Milkweed. (music) And Clank Town Parable. (music) Live on stage. This summer. Sunday, August 13th from 1 to 6th at Traditions of the Glen. Plus, see amazing comedy featuring our KB Cabaret Players live. With special guest Tom Anselode and the Queen Bee Comedians. Tickets on sale now. Just go to KBcabaret.com. That's KBKA-B-A-R-E-T.com. Save the date for the sensation of the summer. Music and comedy festival. Sunday, August 13th at Traditions at the Glen in Johnson City, New York. (music) (music) Well folks, that's all for today's show. I'd like to thank all of our guests for being on KB Cabaret. I am always awed with the amazing talent out there. Thank you to my hard-working crew, co-workers, M, actors John Kerry, John Montgomery, actors, Junivin Mann and Bonnie DeFarras. My amazing sound engineer and actor, newlywed, Charles Berman. His assistant, Valentine Winfuega. My music engineer, David Rice of Basement Studios, who makes me sound better than I am. And a special shout out to Christina Del Nella, who plays one mean piano. And now works the musical theater in New York City. Of course, a special thank you to you, dear KB Cabaret audience, for stopping by and listening to our show. We certainly couldn't do this without you. If any of you have a hankering to write or sing for our show, contact me, re-harvey through the show submission page. Let me see what you've got. The sponsors, you want your name heard by over 150,000 listening audience members all over the country, and as far as Australia? Hello, mates. Then KB Cabaret is the place to be. Just give me a shout out on KB Cabaret.com. That's KBK, A-B-A-R-E-T.com. I'm Bri Harvey, head writer and producer of KB Cabaret. See you next week on the radio. ♪ ♪ Thank you for coming ♪ ♪ Coming to stay a while ♪ ♪ Thank you for coming ♪ ♪ To spend some time ♪ ♪ We love to have you ♪ ♪ And share our policy ♪ ♪ Come back again now to KB Cabaret ♪
