- Ashley's background as a school counselor and expertise
- Distinction between parenting coach and parent coach
- The importance of empowering parent-child relationships
- Parental strategies to prepare for adolescence and middle school challenges
- Effective ways to manage and model technology use for our children
- Specific issues with technology, such as social media, video games, and pornography
- Ashley's services including upcoming tech workshop, 1:1 coaching, and strategy sessions
Capture Your Confidence
Confident Parenting with Ashley Osinski
Feeling overwhelmed as a parent? Today's episode features the incredible Ashley Osinski, a certified parent coach and former school counselor with 13 years of experience. Ashley shared her unique approach, which focuses on the whole parent rather than just parenting strategies. We uncover the secrets to building a strong, confident relationship with your kids from navigating middle school challenges to creating healthy tech habits at home. This episode is packed with insights and practical tips that every parent needs to hear to start building a more connected and intentional family life! Today we cover:
[MUSIC PLAYING] Women in the 21st century are facing a crisis, a confidence crisis. Recent studies have shown that women's confidence actually decreases with experience. And 67% of women say they need more support in being confident. We're committed to changing this, one conversation at a time. Because when women show up to their lives with confidence, everything is better. Organizations run more smoothly, families experience more harmony, more things get done. And this isn't just some you can do at cheerleading session. This is a confidence intervention. We're your hosts, Stephanie Hannah and Whitney Abraham, two successful mothers and entrepreneurs that are here to help you understand what you need to do to capture your confidence. [MUSIC PLAYING] She's back. The 30 Annual State of Women Conference will be held on October 10. And it's the conference for ambitious women looking to dial up their impact, scale back their stress, and create the connections that will fuel their next bold move. The State of Women Conference is an all-day personal and professional development program with a focus and confidence to equip and elevate women who are called for more. This is for you. If you know the value of getting in the room with like-minded women for a day of growth and connection. If you're interested in sponsorship, you can email Whitney at WhitneyAbraham.com. And if you'd like to join us live, you can visit the link in the show notes to purchase your ticket. Welcome back to the capture confidence podcast. We have a very special guest, a board member here, to join us and talk a little bit about her journey in building her own business and her confidence in parenting as a parent coach. Welcome, Ashley Osinski. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, so what in the world is a parent coach? And how did you get into this arena? Yeah, so I'm a certified parent coach. So I did a year-long graduate level program with 100 hours of coaching practice. And really, the goal is there's a big distinction between parenting coach and parent coach. So parenting coaches, we're looking at your strategies, everything about how you're showing up to parent. But parent coaches, we're looking at you as an individual and everything that makes you a parent. So not just what are you saying, what strategies are you implementing, but how are you living out your day to day? How are you following your values? Are you living kind of that dream life and feeling that joy in motherhood and connection with your kids? So I felt like parent coach, I loved 'cause it looked at you as a whole person instead of just this very small sliver of parenting. So parent coach, it's kind of a new thing. I feel like I'm seeing it definitely grow, but I became involved in it. I've been a school counselor for 13 years, so working with middle school students. And I've worked with over 1,000 students over that time and I've worked with so many parents, alongside especially moms, that I realized so much of what the kids were telling me and parents is that really parents are what drive the change. So a lot of things that our kids are facing, yes, there's some stuff school day to day that we can deal with as like a school counselor, but a lot of it is that relationship between parent and child. And I really wanted to work to just empower that relationship and help parents give them the tools to just show up as the way they want to and I don't have the best connection with their kids possible. - I love that because, I mean, even me as a parent, if there's a trouble or something that my kid is having, the first place I want to look is externally, right? Well, what can the school do? What can they do? Who's fault is this? - Right. - Oh, it's mine. And the reality is even even aside from fault, like the reality is if I just work on my relationship with my kid, a lot of times these quote unquote problems tend to resolve themselves. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I love that approach. - So with more than a decade of experience in working with middle school kiddos, what are some of the things that you feel like parents can be working on earlier to stave off some of that drama that enters into our wake when it comes to middle school time? - Yeah. Well, one thing I will say is that I think middle school gets a really bad reputation. It's actually a really fun time. We know that middle school adolescents is that second largest time in growth. So zero to three is the first time and then middle school adolescents is the second. And I think it feels so much harder because when our kids are really little, they're either like a lot cuter or like they're a lot easier to navigate than when they have stronger opinions in middle school, but they still need us just as much as they do as when they're little, even though they push us away. So one thing is know that your kids still needs you, even if they're giving you the biggest attitude possible. But I think there is so much we can do to prevent some things that we see in middle school. So that's where again, that parent coach, it starts with us because it's parents because so much of it is our environment, right? So if I say something different to my kids, that might impact them that day, but if I change the environment, how things are going, that's gonna impact me, our whole family and my child for the long term. So a lot of things I like to focus on are technology. Honestly, I wanted to fight focus on technology, but we have to talk about technology. So that's a big thing that we can start really when they're like three or four, and that will help a lot as they get into middle school. Also just the routines that we have in our home. And as parents, we're constantly modeling what it means to be mentally healthy and our relationships. And so I think having our kids grow up in a home where we're having open conversations, where we're practicing what we preach, where we're telling them what our values are, that's gonna help so much in middle school because they start to look very externally in middle school, wanna look at friends and everything, but if they've been guided throughout their whole life with this strong force of like, these are the values my family has. Here's how we treat one another. Here's how I take care of myself in hard times. They're gonna navigate middle school so much easier than I have no idea where to go or what to do. What's an example of a way that you show that or demonstrate values to a kid at a younger age before they're in middle school? - Yeah, great question. I think a lot of it is one, it's your small actions that you take every single day, right? So for instance, I focus on family and connection. So a big piece of that is just showing up. That's actually what sparked a lot of my change in career was I felt like I couldn't live in my values because of how much I was showing up at school and I wasn't going to show up for my own family that way. So some of that is these little actions that we take, but also just being really honest with our kids and saying like growth is another one of my values. And so I tell my kids when I make mistakes or when I'm growing or what my goals are. And so I think them just seeing that and hearing that is powerful too. - One of the things that I had to come to terms with when I became a mother was the fact that I didn't know what it looked like to do a lot of these adult things because my parents hid a lot of the decision making and a lot of the hardship from me. So when I became an adult and I had to figure out how to do it, everything felt super hard. And one of the things that we work on in our house is just like articulating when we have a hard time with something or if we screw up apologize, right? Which I, my husband and I joke all the time, like when's the last time your parents ever said I'm sorry to you? And it's like crickets. Like we both just kind of like dissolve in the laughter because our parents just didn't say they were sorry, right? And so I just think it's really something that our entire generation is like trying to unravel this ball of yarn of just like how can I show up in a way that equips them to be better adults because the way that we learn to be adults is just entering into the world of adulthood with literally none of the skills. - Yeah, and unless we're intentional about it, we repeat how we were raised, right? And so for me, a big piece, again, of why I even went into education and then I became a mom and that's when I decided to switch things up to was my parents divorced when I was in third grade and my mom was a stay-at-home mom. She was the party mom, she's involved in everything at school all around and when my parents got divorced, she made the choice to leave. And so she lived nearby, but we never saw her. We saw her maybe like once a year until I was like a junior in high school. - Wait, so she went from like all in mom to not at all mom? - Yes. - Oh, Jesus word. - Yeah, so it was a really big change and I have a brother who's four years older than I am. And so it was just my dad and the two of us and my dad, he was running his own business. He's an engineer. So he had his own business in Columbus and he was busy and so we were, it was just a lot. And so my dad is the one who kind of taught me everything and had to be both mom and dad. But growing up I had teachers who would like take me under my wing, like I had one teacher who she was actually a coach of mine and she taught me like how to do makeup and she took me shopping for clothes, like all these things. And so that's kind of what sparked my interest in education was I wanted to do that same thing. And then when I started working with kids and then I had my own kids, I was like, oh, I need to learn. Like I want to make sure that I'm not putting a situation where I'm not showing up as a great mom 'cause I think my mom, she was a stay-at-home mom. Like we said, like all in, but I don't think she took care of herself at all. I don't think she was mentally healthy. - Otherwise she probably wouldn't have pulled out so hard. - Right. And so it's, I felt like not that I can go back and change any of that. But I do think so much starts with us as parents. And so if we're in a good place, then we're going to show up a lot better for our kids. And even if she could have come around a little bit more, who knows what could have changed? But I think just taking care of us instead of always as moms, we'd give, give, give, give, give. And then I think we're like, I'm exhausted, I don't know who I am anymore, what I want to do. And I never want moms to feel in that position 'cause we're also not showing up for our kids when we're in that head space. So how can we kind of take control back of our own lives of ourselves and really show up for our families? So that's also what sparked education ended up then turning into more of the parent side. - Okay, so you've mentioned kind of career shift a couple of times here, so can you like walk us through what that looks like? - Yes, yeah. So I graduated, I went to OU, so high university. So my undergrad was in middle childhood education and I was teaching fifth graders and I love fifth graders. And then I was teaching and I just felt like I wanted to stop talking about curriculum and just get to know the kids. And so that's when I found school counseling. So I actually did my school in clinical mental health counseling at the same time, also at OU. And then I ended up interning in UA at Jones Middle School and it worked out, it was the same three counselors for 16 years and one was retiring and I was able to get a job and I stayed there for 13 years and actually I started wearing that my husband, so he was an eighth grade math teacher there as well. And so he was there for 11 years and then he also kind of sparked some of my desire for more in career because he made the choice to switch to law school. So he was a teacher for 11 years and one day he's like, I think I want to try law, I'm like, okay. So he went to law school and got his MBA, then he was an attorney for a couple of years. And when he was an attorney, that's also when we got our third child. So we had three kids in under four years, so it was kind of crazy. And his dad was really like our person in terms of our village of helping us and he unexpectedly passed away when our youngest was two months old. So it was like, John was working at a law firm, he was also grieving, we had three young kids. And so it turned out to be like putting everything in a perspective of what's really important. And so he ended up shifting and using more as MBA and going to like a financial analyst role. And so through all that and he loves what he's doing right now, but it also made me think, well, there's other options then. I don't have to just like stay in this one career for 23 more years at the time. Like I can do something else too. So when Leo was like six months old, I started the parent coaching program and then I just fell in love with it. I loved helping moms, I loved connecting with other moms and it would be from everything. It would be like understanding systems in your house to make you feel like one parent said, I don't feel like I'm a victim in my house anymore. I feel like I have control of it too. Talking about your child's behavior and how you can interact with them. And so it was just, I felt like we could connect on so many things and make such positive growth that I just fell in love with it and knew that that's what I wanted to do. So then I ended up, I went back to Jones and I still loved it, but I just felt like I wanted to give this a try to see what it could be. And so the board helped me with that too. 'Cause I remember Whitney talking in the first call of like, you just got to take action. That's how you build confidence. I'm like, all right, I got to take action. - We got Rip Band-A. - Yes. - Okay. - When you're doing it though, you are doing it. And I think it's really interesting to hear you talk about both your husband's career journey and yours because your career projection makes sense. And I think watching your husband makes such different moves probably made you feel more safe and being like, well, yeah, I mean, this is the next right step. Like yours is linear and his is all over. And I love that his is all over because that gives you even more, like if he can do that, I can do this, right? - Yeah. - Which I think is beautiful to have a partner that values that, models that too. And that probably is a part of your family value system. Right? - Yeah. - Growth and goals for it. - For sure. And it's funny because my dad is old school, right? So you started a job and you stay there until you retire. - You die there. - And I remember me like, I want to go on my own. And he's like, what? Leave this stable job and study paycheck. And so it was harder honestly to get him to kind of understand it than my husband. So I've been really fortunate that John and I've been this team and really supportive of each other. 'Cause I think also when we can be the best version of ourselves, then we can be the best couple and then we can be the best parents to our kids. - Was it hard working full time with young children? - Yes. Yeah. I mean, I think that's just a real, right? Like were you also craving flexibility, right? And some of that as well. - Yeah, for sure. And I think, so John's job is he has to be in the office every day from, he's there from like 8.30 to 5.30. And then I was in a school. So I had to be there from eight to four. And which that's not maybe like that long of a day, but I felt like shuttling like three kids around and then both of us having to be somewhere full days and then pick everybody up. I mean, it just felt like our schedule was all over the place and all of our time with our kids was just rushed. Like hurry up, get out the door. Hurry up, go to bed. Like that's all the day was. And I just remember looking at them and thinking, is this what we want for our family? Is just rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. And then we just go to work. So we really had to sit for a long time and think, like what's worth it? Is this okay to take this gamble? And like see could it work? 'Cause it's also not the traditional model to go out on your own and start something. And I think that was also the other thing with the board was you all showed me that there were other options. And the people are being successful doing it. So it gave me the confidence to be like, okay, this is a possibility. Like I can do this. - So talk to me about the tactical behind the scenes part of like you decide that you're leaving the career and you're building the business. Like what was the, what were the steps that you were taking behind the scenes to like get yourself to a place where you're like, yep, I'm pulling the plug and I'm doing it. - There was a lot of, so my husband is a very, I mean math teacher, financial, very numbers. - We know what was looking at numbers. - A lot of logical guys. - So that was, it wasn't just like I feel percent. He's gonna like show me the data. So there were some spreadsheets that needed to be creative. Like it was very much I had to tap into his mindset a little bit of like, how can I have this conversation with him where it feels like it's not just my needs but also together as a couple. So, I mean, he was all on board, especially once I started sharing like, let's look at how many days, first of all, I've had to take off work to be home 'cause the kids don't have school 'cause their schedules don't align with ours. Or if they're sick, I'm the one that has to be home, which I love that, but it just felt so hard to be like, I'm the one being pulled in the million directions. I don't think I'm doing a good job as a counselor and I don't think I'm doing a job as a mom because I'm just pulled everywhere. And what we talked about was again, kind of with his dad, like nothing's really guaranteed. Why should I continue working for 23 more years when who knows what's gonna happen in two years or five years? Let me like take this chance. And so a big piece of it was getting all the data down and then saying, all right, let's take a chance for this amount of years. And the good thing is I have my teaching license, I have my counseling license and I'm a certified parent coach. So I have things I can fall back on if for some reason, it doesn't, it doesn't work out, but I'm gonna believe that it is for a workout, so. - Of course it is. - Yeah. - She has all the skills and all the tools and all the confidence that she needs to blow off. - Right, yeah. - I know, okay, so tell us ways, like how do you work with people and like, what if I, I mean, heck, I think I could benefit from a parent coach if you're listening to you, right? Like, so how do people work with you? - Yeah, so my biggest way right now is one on one. So I am also starting to do some workshops. I have a free workshop coming up on technology and tech use, not just for our kids, but also for us as adults 'cause we're all in it together. - Love it. - So that is a big focus of mine is creating mentally healthy families. And so that's where that workshop is gonna focus on this tech use to help create mentally healthy families. So that's a free workshop on July 23rd. - Yes. - And also one on one, I do single strategy session. So that is like, if you just have something going on, you're like, I just need to vent about it, get a quick session in, then that's perfect 'cause it's a one hour session. And then in two weeks, we do another followup, 30 minute session just to see how are things going. And in those two weeks, we also communicate. So a lot of conversation happening in between. So not just like, here's what to do when we never talk again. So that's a great way. And then also I do three and six months packages. So if you want more of that full coaching process, then that would be those steps. - I love that, yeah. - So there's like a running joke about how crazy I am with technology and my kids. So, and I had to really work at this, but if you text me between the hours of four and eight, like best wishes, I'm not responding. Because my phone is literally plugged in in the kitchen and I don't have it on me. And the crew knows, but anytime it's like pants on fire, like I really communicate that with my clients, like, listen, I'm not paying attention. But I have a lot of conversations with other parents who are fascinated that I just plug my phone in the kitchen and then I literally don't have it around me during the time period that the kids are around. And it's revolutionized, like the way that I model tech, because my kids do love technology. They are obsessed, if you let them, they would watch it all day. And so it's been a really helpful tool for me to like walk the walk and model the behavior. But like, I get a lot of pushback from adults, even who are unwilling to send those kinds of boundaries. So I'm really glad you're doing a class on this. - Yeah, 'cause I just read an article actually talking about a study that showed that how parents use tech use is actually a big predictor of how kids are gonna use their own technology. And so really that modeling is what it comes down to, especially from a young age. But I think so much of it too is on us as parents. I mean, our kids are seeing how we're using it. I hear from middle school kids all the time, like my parents are just on their phones all the time. They don't talk to me or whatever. And so I think it's, we have to have our phones, right? For business or to communicate. I think there's a few big things. One is being more transparent. Like when we grew up, if your parents were on the phone, they literally picked up the phone or they looked in a cookbook or they looked in a magazine. And so you knew what they were doing. And so a big piece is being transparent about like, here's how I'm using my phone. Like my husband doesn't have social media, but he's on it. And you wouldn't know what he's saying, he's reading about sports. So just saying, "Oh, I'm reading less sports article." Can be helpful to kids. You're like, "Oh, that's how you're using that right now." And you're not just taking your attention for no reason. - Even in your relationship with your partner, like I'm assuming that if you see your husband's on the phone and you're doing something that's productive to the family, and you're like, your mind makes an assumption about what they're doing. - Yes. - And so if you told me that you were actually ordering more toilet paper right now, I would be like, "Thank you." Instead of looking at you, like, "I'm doing the dishes." So like not just with children, actually with part two, is that the killer strategy? - Yes. - Yes. - And I think it's, I love that you put your phone away because also a big thing is those bids for connection, right? Like when our kids are really little, they will come up to you and literally either start acting out or like smack the phone away or tell you like get off your phone 'cause they're little and they want your attention. And as they get older, they don't do that as much. They might ask you a question, see if you're listening, but if you're not, they just kind of move on. And so I think it's really important to his parents. Again, not that we can be on 100% of the time, but just being mindful of those bids for connection 'cause ultimately that's, we all value our relationship with our kids and we're all trying the best we can. So just how can we be present a little bit more? - Yeah, and I do find that especially in the technology space, just a little pivot makes such a big difference, right? Like you could put it away for 30 minutes. Like it doesn't have to be four hours, like whatever it is, like the benefit it just multiplies fear, it's very immediate. And that's exactly how I started. It was like one hour a day. And the whole goal was like during that hour, if I'm not locking eyes with them and doing something with them, what a wasted opportunity, right? Like I'm using, I'm choosing actively that I'm not gonna have my phone and instead, I'm doing this one thing. And so that one hour went to two and then two to three, right? And to the point where it was fine for me to be like, my day ends up from four to eight in family time. And if it gives me peace of mind as a business owner to check in at eight just before I shut down for the night so that I don't miss anything big, fine, right? But that took me a really long time to be able to do. - Yeah. - And I think to a lot of people will say, just don't use tech. And so that's not what I'm telling people 'cause it's also not helpful. But I think there is, you know, there's three areas and focusing on one is parent tech use. So how are we using it? And there is boundaries around tech use. There's actually a lot of ways where, if we put certain things in place about like where we don't allow technology or how long we let certain screens or Wi-Fi, I mean, that can make a huge difference. And the last thing is gender and tech use. So what we've seen is that girls are impacted very differently than boys. But also I do feel like, I mean, I've taught rocks for a long time. And I love working with girls and all the work that's going into girls. And I also feel at the same time we've kind of forgotten our boys a little bit in some of this. And so I think it's important to see that boys are being impacted. What's the data tell us about like boys versus girls in tech? Girls are much more impacted through social media. And I see that every single day. I'm talking to girls about every day. Boys, what we're seeing is more of the video games and their inability to really be attentive because this is so much more exciting than like real life. So making sure that we're thinking about tech use like in terms of the video games or can we turn the Wi-Fi off? A lot of it is like kids communicating with everybody instead of maybe just like somebody they actually know in real life. So video games is the big thing. And then the other thing that's really been a big thing is such that boys is porn. Like the second they get Wi-Fi, they're finding it 'cause it's just so easy and it's really having a big impact on kids. So no one wants to talk about that kind of stuff. But it's so important. What's starting to happen is it's really shaping so much about boys are viewing relationships and everything growing up. So we have to kind of bring them back into the connection in the real world too. - I will be attending your class in the morning. - Right, no. We're gonna put everything in the show notes. This episode will air before that. So we'll put everything in the show notes so people can find you and learn more of this super useful information, right? - Thank you for joining us. And also for allowing us to be like lawyers behind the scenes of what you're up to and what you're building over the last six months with the board. It's been really fun to watch what you're doing. - Thank you so much. - Thank you. All right, we'll talk to you guys soon. Thank you for listening to the Capture Your Confidence podcast. If you've loved it, do the thing you do. Share it with a girlfriend, subscribe, rate, leave a review if you would be willing to do that. We are so happy to be able to support you on your journey to confidence and we will not stop until every single woman that we come in contact with knows her own power and she walks firmly in it. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]