- When I did Jay Leno, in the year 2000, - Right. - No one called me the next day. Not even my parents, right? That's my boy. (upbeat music) - I remember the date it happened and where it was. - You remember it, December 8th, 1983 in Sacramento. (upbeat music) - You guys, you look so good, Ozentic. (laughing) I mean, it's so good to see you, buddy. - Good to see you. - Thanks for having me on. - Thanks for being had. - Okay, thank you, welcome. Wow. - So I have to say, Bill, the first time I met you, you don't remember. May I say it? - Was it on Mad TV? - No. I was never on the show when you did the show. - What year did we turn around? - The last eight. (laughing) Not the first seven. - Wow, it was on for 15 years? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So I must have been on the first seven. - Yeah, yeah. - Okay. - So I remember they used to also do me. - Who did that? - They did a version of Politically Incorrect. - Who's that Michael McDonald? - I don't remember. - Okay. So I met you. They used to have the Maui Film Festival. - Yes. - What? - I remember I got the Maverick Award. - Right, and I briefly met you. I think you were high. - Of course. - Yeah, yeah, you were high. But you were so kind to me. - Really? - Yeah, it was really quick. - Oh, good. - And so, and then I ran to do one more time at the Commissure Super Suite. But this is my only third encounter with you. I'm a huge fan. - Thank you. - I'm a fan. - I'm a fan. - You're a fan. (laughing) - I love you so much. (laughing) - Politically incorrect and ridiculous. All that stuff, man. - So, you know, I was a little nervous coming up, I'm fine, no. (laughing) - I'm totally fine. I'm not like fine. - It's so funny. All the people who come here and they say, you know, for a guy who has a reputation of being such a hard ass, everybody comes on here. I met you. You were so nice. (laughing) - How did I get to be known? I guess because I do a debate show when I have to sign. I'm saying things to Ted Cruz or some money that's not particularly nice. Or people from the left, too. - Yeah, but when we see you, we're like, oh, that's who he is. I mean, obviously you have a personal life and you're just a kind human being. - I'm the exact same person, like, on real time. It's just that I'm doing a different thing with different kinds of people. But if they were sitting here, I would be no different. Well, of course, I actually am higher here. But that doesn't really affect me that much. I mean, I've been smoking so long. I can only get so high. - Yeah, yeah. People sometimes say to me, oh, Bill, I got the stuff for you. It's going to kick your ass. I'm like, I would blow you if it could. (laughing) I know you all think you can kick my ass. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And you don't. But I appreciate the effort. - Yeah. - But isn't there a strand or something new that comes out and you're like, oh, this is even heavier now. - No, it's not COVID. I mean, it doesn't mutate it to you. I mean, what they can do. - But they engineer stronger. - Well, what they do is just pack it. - Yeah, I mean, I may have explained this before, so forgive me of the people who listen every word, but like pot moves from the belief that can be strong, but only so strong. If you then crush it down further, you get hash. That's what hash is. - That's what hash is. - Yeah, squeezed it. - Yeah. - And then you find out. - That's right. I squeezed it. You get hash oil. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then something called keef. - Oh, yeah, I've heard of keef, yeah. - That's the strongest inversion. - So I guess if you just did pure keef or something, you would be like crazy. - Okay, okay, okay, okay. - But you know, I mean, let's keep it. - What is that? - That's ice. - Okay. - I'm making a drink. - You're a tong. - No, Bobby, you. - I'm in a tongs here, no? - Those are tongs. - Okay. - Tongs, also you're relative. (both laughing) - I love it, I love it. - The tongs. (both laughing) And by the way, you're the earliest guest. I've never, is this like Asian time? Is that a thing? - I live right next to you. - You do? - I mean, not next to you, but I live in like eight minutes away. - Really? - Yeah, like I live on the hill side of Studio City almost. - Well, I'm gonna have to speak to someone about that. (both laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, great. - Yeah, I bought a house from Joe Galen, I don't know if you know him. - Joe Galen, no. - He's a producer anyway, listen, move on. (both laughing) I also wanna say this, dude, and I wanna see something that happened today, okay? - Bill, if you don't mind. - Yes. - I was at Floyd's barber shop. - In Raybury? - No, they say, I think that's, it's a chain. - Oh, of course. - Yeah, it's a chain barber. - I never knew that dude. - That's hysterical. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Floyd's barber. - Yes. - And then to explain to the young kids where that comes from. - Right, which is interesting that you say that because I was getting a haircut and on the TV, Timothy Chalamet's ad came on for the Bob Dylan movie night. - Yeah. - And I made a comment like, oh shit. Chalamet kind of looks like Bob Dylan, you know what I mean? And the dude next to me goes, who's Bob Dylan? And then I stood up and I went around the fucking barber shop and I asked every single person, do you guys know who Bob Dylan, no one who the fucking Bob Dylan is? So I don't know what I'm getting to emotional about. - No. - I'll lean back. - No, no. - I think I'm getting too much. Let me call a little comment something. - No, we, Robbie, be yourself. If you're passionate about something, then fucking bleed. - Thank you, Bill. - What I want to say is that God's greener, I mean, are we out of touch? Maybe I'm out of touch? - No, no, no, no. That's just the nature of the world. I mean, nothing lasts. - What is that? - We got to make a reel of every single person on this show ask me what it is. And me always saying, I'm roofing myself. - Yeah. - It's, I can't explain it. - It's just, it's just to make soda. It's non-chemical diet soda. - Okay. - You know, 'cause I'm such a health nut. It's like smoking a giant pot-stilking thing. So, you know, for the Chiron for your age. I always say, when people say you look great, they should have a Chiron for your age. - How old are you? - 68. - Chiron. - How old are you? - I'm like 52, man. Am I like 52? - Well, my penis gets half hard. No, it doesn't get full. I might have to get on like something, you know. - Wow, that's-- - I think it's maybe it's 'cause I'm jaded. I don't know. - No, that's a lot of very personal information. - I'm sorry about that. - No, no. That's why we're-- - Well, let's talk about doing that. - Oh yeah. See, that interests me because I've certainly heard other stories like that. I mean, I probably told this before, but Leno told me once he was in Vegas and they were taking down a big picture of Elvis for something. And he said to the guy, "What are you taking it down?" Isn't he one of the big attractions in this shower that goes like a, you know, people who imitate other people's show. And the guy said, "Yeah, the kids don't know who he is anymore." I mean, nothing, I mean, this is, did you ever see like footage from like an excavation where they find, you know, civilizations that are buried in the sand? And it's like, you realize that, wow, not that much time goes by, they don't need to forget what these people, but it's buried. Like, I always think, how does it, how does like the whole city gets buried? And it must just be like a little film of sand every year. - Yeah, that's what happens. - Right. - What the fuck? - Obviously. - Okay. - You know, the sandstormers out on door and what the fuck are you talking about? - Right. - I'm just saying, it's amazingly quick how things recede in like, like you think, oh, it's only a couple of thousand years ago. They can't tell you what people were doing. Not really, we have like these clues and like everything from the Stone Age, that's not really what the Stone Age was about. It's just that Stone is the only thing that got lasted. They made most of this shit out of wood. - Yeah. - But it's gone. - It's gone. - So we don't really know what they were doing. - Exactly. (laughs) - So what are you saying? - What I'm saying is, in that large context. - Yes. - It's not that weird that kids would not know who Bob Dylan is. - You know, I'm glad you said that because now it makes me feel better about myself because it's like, now I don't have to worry about what people think of me and whatnot. I'm gonna die soon and all, you know what I mean, remnants of Bobby Lee will disappear and I can just be free. - Well, some of that is true. (laughs) - At a certain point, all remnants of all of us will disappear. But why do you think you're gonna die soon? - I mean, I have probably another 30 years left, right? - You think that's soon? (laughs) - Well, I mean, I have no idea. You see like, you know. - First of all. - Yeah. - I mean, oh my God. - 30 years, it's, especially with AI now, it is really impossible to predict what three years from now will be like, level of 30. You couldn't even- - Oh, you're saying singularity is gonna happen and they're gonna have to know what robots? - Well, things like that. I mean, we are moving to an era of, I mean- - Scary out. - The change has been exponential. But, you know, when you get to that topper reaches of the exponential curve, you're just going at a dizzying pace and the change. And I mean, it could all be gone by Christmas. I mean, really, I mean, the fucking robot robots could take over, but- - New fears, man, what the fuck? - Well, yeah, yeah. But can I go back to the Bob Dylan thing? - Absolutely. - When these kids have these arguments like, well, dude, that's not my generation. Yeah, when I went to high school, Mozart wasn't my generation, but I know who he is. - I've done lots of shit on this. I think it's in my book. Oh, damn, I didn't bring my book for you. I wanted to bring my book. I'll get it later. - Okay. - So I'm back on that now number 10 on the, been on 10 weeks of the best seller chart. What this comedian said will shock you, available from Simon & Schuster. - What does it say in your book, though? - It's this phenomenon that you're talking about. There's a piece about it where when you say to kids, something from the past, they go, "I wasn't born yet." Like, yeah, I know, but things happened before you were born in a spoiled fucking entitled brat. It's just so indicative of how they're raised wrong, raised wrong, and now I'm doing it. My parents, who blow smoke up their ass and make them feel like way more special than they deserve to feel. Like, it just doesn't matter if I wasn't around for it. And there was an episode on real time about, oh, and 10 years ago, Megan McCain, you know who that is, was on-- - Yes, Tom's McCain's daughter. - Right, she was on the view for years. And she was on-- - I love her. - She's very nice, I like her too. But she was on with Paul Bagala, and he just devastated her with, she said something about, like, I didn't know, I wasn't around the same line about, I forget what we were talking about, but something from the, I don't know, maybe the 70s or something, I wasn't around. And he said, "Yeah, I wasn't around "for the French Revolution, but I know about it." - Yeah, wow. - Do you think laugh? - I believe she'd be in "Cry." (laughing) She didn't cry, but she-- - No, she's a tough girl, but I think she wanted it. I mean, it was just, and of course, especially back then, the crowd was, was like, rapidly woke liberal. I used to fucking fight with them every week. And so they, of course, relish, because they're all about just who's on the right team. So she's on the wrong team, Paul's on the right team, he gets a shot in, and it's like, you know, let's go fucking to get the Wizard of Oz, and we just kill the witch of the Easter, whatever. - But can I ask you another question? Maybe kids are more, some kids are more curious, like when I was in high school-- - True. - We had no internet, did this make a late 80s? - No, no, no. - Bill, late 80s. Where do we get movies? We had to go to Blockbuster. I ride my bike to Blockbuster, right? - I remember this. - And there was a little section called Criterion Collection, right? - Criterion. - Did I not say that? - Meaning, it's a collection of movies, is that the right thing? - Yeah, it's a word. - It doesn't, oh wait, okay, so it's up there. - There was a collection of films, I don't know who Criterion is, but they buy, like really, I guess they get the rights of really cool movies. - Sounds like a pretentious film company. - Exactly. - But then they had all the Kurosawa films, right? So I would go there and I'd go, I mean, obviously there's no internet or anything, so I don't know who Kurosawa is, but obviously, you know, seven some, right? I just had this curiosity, right? And I was like, you know, I could watch Gremlins, but I'm like, you know what, let me check this out. And I liked it. My point is, maybe some kids aren't curious and wanna like learn things. Maybe people just learn things that are shoved down their throat. - Now Kurosawa is one of the most important directors that you need to pretend you care about. I've always said-- - Wait, wait, you don't like Rosara? I have no idea. I've never seen the movies, I should. Maybe I'll get to it. I certainly know-- - Bill, I don't want to yell at you. - Okay. - Sorry, sorry, I know it's your show, but what the fuck, man? No, this is annoying. (laughing) It's always annoying. - All right, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. - When people go, oh, I can't believe you don't know this or you're not into this. I had this just in dinner the other night. You know, like, they were saying to me, they were bringing up, I sent a friend of mine, something from, I know she's a big fan of Patty Smith. - Oh. - Okay, that's not my kind of music. I recognize she's a great artist, whatever she is. I don't know, I'm sure a million years ago I gave it a try. I was like, this is not pop music, which is great for some people. And so then there was like, you don't like, no, I don't. And then it went to Leonard Cohen, you don't, not what I've heard. Again, I sampled it, it didn't make me want to go deeper. You know, Tom waits. I mean, all these kind of like, and it's like, how can you not? I'm like, well, apparently the thing I cannot get into is what like 98% of people cannot get into. You know, when I listen to music, I just want to hear what I want to hear, what makes me happy. Carisawa, will I watch him someday? Yeah, I probably will. It hasn't happened. - Okay, Bill. - That's it. - I apologize. - No, no. I'm just telling you. - No, no, no, no, no. - Because I could do it. - You're right, you're right. - Because I could do it to you about things. And I'd be like, you're not into... - What do they do one? - No, no, but it kind of reminds me of... - Oh my God. - Of the way, like... - I'm sorry. - No, listen. - Okay, I'm sorry. - It just reminds me of the way people politically do the same thing. Like, you know, I can't believe that you don't love, or I can't believe you don't hate Donald Trump. Like, I happen to, but I get it why other people don't, and why they find the threat more coming from the left. I don't agree with them. I'd like to talk them out of it. But I wouldn't be there going like, what? You don't see Trump's in the ass. It's like saying to a... - I already apologize. - It's not saying... - Let's go with the Carisawa thing, man. - It's like saying to a gay man. - What? You don't like pussy? - No, that's not the same thing. - What? - No, no, no. That's not the same thing. - What? - That's not the same thing. - Pussy's the boss. - No, no, no, no. - No, that's not the same thing. - How can you not like pussy? - No, that's not... - It's like they just don't. - You have to accept people. - Okay, Bill, let me just say this, okay, all right? But what I'm saying is that, yeah, I like pussy, okay? But I've tried dick. - Oh, really? - Yes. So what I'm saying, I don't like... - I didn't mean to say it, though, really. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And guess what, Bill? - Wait. - Don't like it. - Oh, you don't? - Don't like the dick, but I'll try it. And that's what I'm asking you. - Did you try watching the first song? - I mean, just the fact that you would try it separates you from me by a lot. That doesn't mean either one of us is better. You're probably better because you're more adventurous. But like, even just, you know, the idea of... I just try something that never appealed to me. - Okay. - But... - Can we just all... - But how old were you and why did you wanna try it? - Oh my God, here we go. All right, let's go. - Oh, it's interesting. - Why was it middle school? - Oh, that young? Middle school? - Yeah. - Wow, I didn't even... - 8th grade, maybe 8th grade. - I hadn't even seen a vagina yet. - Oh, yeah. I had seen it put through, you know, hustler and stuff, whatever. - Oh. - But anyway... - Was it your first sexual experience gay? - Yeah. - Oh, I see. So you started gay and then went... - I'm not gay. - No, but you started gay. - But you said the first sexual experience. - And, you know... - So it was just like a camp thing. - Yeah. (laughing) And when I say camp, like campy. - Well, not you, okay, I'll just tell you. - No, you were away at camp. - So I know, here's what happened. So as a kid, you know, I had a real violent upbringing. Okay? Anyway, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do, start weeping? (laughing) - I don't, my dad was like, this rage of alcoholic, alcoholic, right? So then when I was like 10 or 11, I started drinking and doing drugs at that young. - He wasn't one of those Japanese soldiers that was in the cave. - No, no. - I know, I'm just... (laughing) Give me some poetic license on the agent, Joe. I'm just saying, he wasn't one of the ones in the cave at the end of the war, and they didn't tell him the war was on. - Oh yeah, yeah. - You know those guys. - You're Jimo or whatever. - Who? - You're Ojima, what's up? - Ewo Jima. - Did I just say that? - You said Ejo. - Ewo Jima. - Ewo Jima. - Yes, it was in Ireland, one of the big battles of the Pacific. - Was there a guy in the cave there? - After the war, they found a number of Japanese soldiers and Ewo Jima and also Guam, who were, they did not know the war had ended, and of course the Japanese fought to the last man to say the least. - Sure. - So, you know, was it a lot of them? No, but I mean, it was quite a bit after the war ended. - Well, to answer your question, no, my dad wasn't one of those. - And boy, was that salesman. (laughing) - I'm upset when he knocked on that cave. - Oh yeah, yeah. - So anyway, so yeah, my dad wasn't, but he was a regi-holic. I, you know, then I started using early, right? And then-- - Using Dirk. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Drinking. - Drinking. - Oh, drinking. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This wasn't available, like, just at a store. - Did they call it using back then? - You mean drugs, you mean? - Well, I never heard the term. And when we were, you were the drink, or-- - You used drugs, I never heard it for liquor. Anyway-- - Yeah, I did drugs, too. You know, I did meth early. - Meth? - Yeah, yeah. I was like a wild kid. - I sold meth. - All right, so the-- (laughing) - Part of it-- - And so that, like, in seventh, eighth-- - I would be here. - I would put on high parties, I would get drunk, and I don't know, this one guy just goes, "Hey, just suck." And I just did it. - For drugs? - No. (laughing) Like, we're behind a bush or something, and I tried it. - Right. - So you were the sucky? - Yeah, I think you sucked mine, too, a little bit. I'm not gonna do, like, a one-way, you know, come on. - Is that what gay guys do? - What? - They switch off like that? - Well, I mean, if I'm getting sucked, like with a woman, you know, I mean, if I'm going down, I'm gonna go, I don't know why I'm talking about this. - Yeah, yeah. - And afterwards, and then I will go, "You wanna?" - Right. - You know, it's a two-way. - I mean, I say, "Right," like, that's something I wouldn't do. - Let's not talk about that. - No, I don't know why I'm even gonna dick. Oh, yeah, like, Kurosawa, let's go back to Kurosawa. - Was he gay? (laughing) - No, no. - You sucked his dick. That's why you're so mad, huh? - Yeah, I love old Japanese. - That's why you're so mad, I don't know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So listen, so you've never seen Kurosawa and find-- - No, but you were-- - You're what, I was a two-- - Okay, wait, wait, wait, are they really great? Is that why you got upset? - What? - The Kurosawa films. - Are they really great? - I think he was the greatest director of all time. - Yeah, that's like Seven Samurai. - Seven Samurai, high and low. You did Rashomon, Hidden Fortress. I mean, the list goes on. - Godzilla? - No, no. Although Godzilla might as well was great use here. - No, I can't watch any movie where animals get hurt. (laughing) - Oh, that's right, that's right, that's right. - No, really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have dogs? - Yes, of course. - How many? - Two. - Let's go to cats. I believe cats only make sense as pets in a world where dogs do not exist. - Interesting. - Other than that-- - I have three cats. (laughing) - Okay, so let's go back to your gay. - I'm not gay. - I know, I'm kidding, yeah. - No, like, but you first tried the dick. And so that was the-- - That was the why we really got-- - Was that the first and last time you ever did dick? - Yeah, man. - It was the first and last time? - Maybe a couple more times. (laughing) - A couple more times. - Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. Hey, summer's in full swing and it seems like everybody is off work or checked out, but why just accept that our business also needs to go on vacation? Radioactive Media has been partnering with Club Random since the beginning and they believe so much in the power of audio marketing, they put their money where their mouths are by using it themselves right here, right now. You'll be hooked once you experience the power of audio marketing utilizing the strength of text messaging which can generate an ROI as high as seven to one. Radioactive Media has an exclusive deal to promote your product or service on Club Random with me and save up to 50%. And if you lock that in now, we'll even throw in a copy of my "New York Times" best-selling book, "What This Comedian Said Will Shock You?" Go to Radioactive Media.com or text the word random to 511-511. Discover how audio marketing and surpass your current strategies with new and innovative ways that sound better. Go to Radioactive Media.com or text random to 511-511. Text random to 511-511 today to save up to 50%. Terms, conditions, message and data rates may apply. Hey, I'll be at the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Center and Atlanta on September 7th, September 8th, the Riverside and Milwaukee, Wisconsin and September 28th, the Orpheum Theater in Memphis, Tennessee. September 29th, the TAF Theater in Cincinnati, Ohio. And November 1st and 2nd of the David Copperfield at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Hey, it's Kaylee Cuoco for Priceline. Ready to go to your happy place for a happy price? Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels. So whether it's Cousin Kevin's Kazoo Concert in Kansas City, go Kevin or Becky's Bachelor at Bash in Bermuda. You never have to miss a trip ever again. So download the Priceline app today. Your stavings are waiting. ♪ Go to your happy place for a happy price ♪ ♪ Got your happy price, Priceline ♪ My point is is that I'll try something once. It's the point. Well, apparently it was more than one. Yeah, I'll say 50, yeah, five times. Okay, five times. Okay, but that was all before I was 16. No play in the year of strapping heterosexual men. What? Yeah. (laughing) That's right. Are you currently, have you ever been married? No. No, me neither. I know. (laughing) No children, right? Not to my own. Yeah, me neither. Yeah. I think, you know, I call it the David Spade path. And, you know, I looked at him and I do what he does pretty much. Well, I think my path is even better than Dave's. What's yours? Well, he got somebody pregnant and-- That's right. And had to like deal with that. It was, I feel like if we're gonna name this after anybody, I should get the title because I think I've done it better. Are you like, pull out can or something? What? You pull out good or? Do I pull out good? (laughing) No, it's not rocket science to prevent pregnancy. Okay, let's move on. Yeah, yeah. And, I mean, it depends on what, some people are into sex for various reasons. I mean, and a lot of it includes like, not really the sex itself. Whereas I've always been like, I'm really into it for the sex. It's just like with the drugs. Like, my drug of choice is drugs. Like, I like drugs. Like, no, I don't do any heavy drugs anymore, I'm too old. But I did all along the way. I did whatever my body would tolerate. Exactly. You know, I drank heavy for years and then my body wouldn't tolerate it and I throttled back. That's all you can do. Yeah. You know, your body will tell you what you can take. Well, I'm sober. I mean, did you ever think like, you know, I mean, I do the traditional 12-step group thing, you know what I mean? Yeah, sure I do. I mean, I've read about it. Yeah, do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. Have you ever thought about taking that path or not? Of course not, because I'm not addicted to things. That's all what I'm saying. I'm just telling you, I'm being honest. What? Why are you so jumpy about everything? Just talk to me. No, I'm just telling you. There are people who are addictive personalities. I am not. I am a situational user. I use it when I want to. The only thing that I ever got addicted to was fucking cigarettes, which was stupid because it's the worst drug in the world because it didn't do anything for you. Yeah. Except make you want to do more cigarettes. Cocaine has the same thing, just makes you want to do more. But at least there were moments on it. I mean, I did finish my novel on it. I don't think it would have happened without the cocaine. It didn't make me smarter. It just made me stay at the desk. It was really great for that. But, you know, cigarettes, just... Yeah, how long did you smoke? Well, 'cause I had a beautiful while. And then I just went back and it's fucking terrible. 20 stupid years, although it was a bell curve. I started with just a few, worked up to a pack a day, and then the last eight years was always trying to quit. So, you know, but look, once done is done, hopefully AI will fix that, too. I'm really counting on AI, Bobby. I found that 'cause when I relapsed the last time, I smoked a lot of weed. I felt like it did a lot of damage. 'Cause when you smoke weed and you smoke cigarettes at the same time, it's really bad. Well, it's the cigarette. I mean, I was just talked to a doctor who said, "Yeah, it's not health food." But what we see isn't really a lot of cancer from cigarette smoke. It's bronchitis and stuff like that. So, you know, and I try to be circumspect. I'll tell you what is not a good sign. I have a little device in my office and it's to tell you the air quality. And it has pictures of two men, but they're human, I mean, I assume this is for all humans. And one is the air quality inside the house. One is air quality outside. And like if they're green and gives you a number, green's good, air quality good, oh, maybe not so good outside, but it's better inside. And then yellow is, you know, whenever I light up a joint in the office, the fucking head is red. And it has to look in a space like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm guessing that's not great, a great sign. Do you mind if I dip? No, please. Oh, I haven't seen one of those in ever. So now that's chewing tobacco. This is a pout. A pouch, yeah, it's a pouch filled with chewing tobacco. Wow, yeah, I don't think I've ever seen anybody do that. But then again, I didn't grow up in Kentucky. Yeah. Now that's such a ball player or hick thing to do. I'm so surprised you're doing it. Yeah, I mean, you're neither. I did a movie once and I can't tell you who did, but after that, I really admire, started doing it. And I'm like, let me try one. And then he just, I just, I've been hooked since. What does it do for you? It gives you a buzz. It does? Yeah, and I don't need to smoke a cigarette. What kind of buzz? Like a coffee buzz or? You know how, when you used to wake up in the morning and you'd do a first cigarette? Vaguely. Yeah, and you would get a kind of a light buzz. It's like that. It also calms and nerves. I feel so good right now. Thank you so much for having me. Oh yeah. Oh good, me too. Namaste, dude. I love doing this podcast once a week because it's a great excuse to fucking get high, which I probably would do anyway. But, you know, I get to do it with somebody like you when love to talk to you. And also Bill, I love your show, but I just would never be able to do politically and incorrect because I just don't know much. Well, then, so I hasn't been on since 2002. I mean, I mean, real time with Bill Marr, my bad. It's all right. You definitely couldn't do politically and correct. I feel like I'm going to have to have time. If she will grow right now, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She was on Whitney and she didn't know who I was, right? She was here last week. I know, and I found out she didn't know who you were either. Right. I don't know. Anybody else? But she's the loves Dylan. It's so weird. (laughing) Love Dylan. Yeah. She loves my Bill, yeah. It's incredible Dylan for your freak. He's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." Like, that was all the bootleg stuff. It's amazing. Wow, wow. No, she didn't know what he had. I would have spit in here. I'll clean it out later. Oh, you got one, sure. Absolutely. You guys spit in here? Yeah. All right, I'll clean it out later. Yeah. No, this is perfect. We've really gotten the request for a spittoon here on the podcast, but in the future, you know what? I have a fucking spittoon. It's really... This is great. No, no, no. Oh, my God, man. I've never used this. Yeah, yeah. You know what it is? Yeah, yeah. It's for champagne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you fucking spit in it? I can spit in it. Absolutely. All right. Doesn't it look good for... Yeah, it looks great. Exactly. You don't want to spit in a little thing like that. You're...there you go, Bobby. See? This is a friendly show. This is a friendly show. Thank you so much. A friendly podcast. We want people to be happy. Let me ask you something, Bill. Yeah. May I ask you a question? No, we're so formal here. Bill, so, you know, I'm coming out in a movie. I have a couple scenes of that. You're coming out? In a movie. I mean, in a movie. I mean, a fucking movie coming out. Yeah, I thought it was the dick thing. No, no, no, no. Can we look over the dick thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on my thing. But... That's all you say. No, go ahead. Okay. No, I'm just fucking with you. I know, I love you. So, you know, you're doing promo for this movie. And then you kind of think to yourself, it's like... I just feel like... Because that was my dream, right? As a young guy coming to LA, I was like, "I'm going to do movies. Right." And TV and like... When you have, you've got your dream. But then you kind of realize that it's kind of like not relevant anymore almost. It's like, I feel like what I'm doing with my two podcasts, you know what I mean? And going on the road, I mean, it's just, it's kind of reinvented, you know what I mean? Me. And it's also easier to do. It's up my wheelhouse. You know what I mean? I have muscles for that. And I just feel like when I'm promoting other things now, it just doesn't seem as relevant. Or it's almost as like, it's a dead, you know what I mean? Platform, almost. I get... I get your feeling on this. Yeah. First I have the "Hawk" tool, girls. Now I just got the tool, a guy. So interesting. Yeah, yeah. This show. I get the feeling of that. I think you're exaggerating. It's not dead. I feel similar about this podcast. Like, if you had told me 10 years ago, podcast, I'm like, "What the fuck? I've got a show on HBO. Why would I want to do a fucking podcast?" It became a phenomenon. And it became a venue where I can do something I could never do on political... Now you've got me going on real time. Because we're not going to talk about your dick on real time. It's just, but this is also me. You know, talking about your dick. We do it often. And so it is great. And it's just more available to people. I mean, real time does great, always has, but it will always be a niche. Because not that many people know what the fuck is going on. So they're just like not going to watch the show. We're speaking in Chinese to them. But this anybody can, this is available to everybody. Yeah, yeah. Everybody knows about your dick. Yeah, thank you. It's something everyone can relate to. Because they've all sucked it. I'm talking about the guys. Anyway. I regret it. So did you ever get close to getting married? Well, it's interesting that you asked that because, you know, one of my podcasts, Tiger Valley, you know, I started it with my girlfriend of ten years. Ten years. That we broke up. And we're still doing the podcast together still. Oh, like Sonny and Cher. Like Sonny and Cher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's going okay. It's going okay. But it's like, um... Weird. I don't think it's weird. No, I think that people's response to it is weird. Which is? I think they followed the podcast because of the... It was like a sitcom and they were together. And now that we're not, you know what I mean, they want that. And if it's not going to happen, then it's going to move on. It's weird, you know what I mean? Well, people's investment in characters is weird. Yeah, yeah. I mean, soap stars have talked over the years tales of fans. Like if they're on the show, their character in the show has a baby. And the fans send them baby presents and things for it. It's like, no, I didn't really have a baby. Yeah, yeah. You fucking nut. Yeah. And that's, it's just, yeah, it is weird. Also, people don't... People have a problem with... And I don't know if you're like this, but with women that have dated, I don't really have a problem with them if we break up. I mean, in fact, a lot of them are still in my life. Exactly. I mean... You like that? I don't know. Of course. I mean, I said it on the show recently, I'm going to say it again. A sex life is like a dog. You love it when you first get it. It gives you so much pleasure, but it's not meant to live forever. And at a certain point, it's going to die. Yeah. And it's going to break your heart. Yeah. But unlike the dog, it's still around. And you can have... And the love is not gone. Yes. So you just have to accept that the one facet does die. Now, people handle different ways. People stay married, of course. And God bless them. I mean, it's just a different way of handling it. And the relationship moves into kind of more of a friendship or whatever. I've heard lots of married couples talk about, "I'll have to ask my roommate," meaning their husband or wife. It's sort of like a winking, funny way of saying. Yeah. Maybe there's a little bitterness behind it like he doesn't fuck me anymore. Yeah. And it's like, if that's the way you want to handle it, I get it, sometimes people have kids, you want to... That's fine. It's not the way I would handle it. And don't blame me for the way the world is created. I didn't make this thing where people just get bored of each other, especially with the fucking. Yeah. I didn't make that up. I didn't give that to mankind. Yeah. I'm just dealing with it. The only way I think is sanely to deal with it. And you're not going to know how that is. I'm not going to tell you. I do have a formula, but I'm not going to give it. Do you tell me, like, off camera? Absolutely. Okay, good. I want to know. Absolutely. After this, you're going to tell me. But is there a way to keep it alive is the question. Yes. To keep the sex and the sex appeal. Well, the problem is that sex is in opposition to security. And in a way, lust is in opposition to love. Wow. And especially in a man's mind, which is sort of fucked up. I mean, over time, you love someone more, but you lust for them less. How do you change this balance so the one keeps going up and the other one keeps going down? The women would say, "No, the more I love them, the more I want to fuck them sometimes." Yeah, that's more a women's thing because they're deeper and better. What do you want me to say? We're different. Yeah. You know, again, I didn't bequeath this. This is just what I'm playing the hand that I'm dealt. So that's the tension between security and excitement. And I think there is a way, but again, you know, fuck the public for making fun of me all these years. When I am, I'm not going to give you my formula. Okay. I can't wait. I'm going to know, guys. I'll do the show. It's going to be great. Yeah. So I mean, but we love each other. We're like family and I don't know when I'm going to end it. And it's not three sims, by the way, for those guessing. That does not work. It never works. It never works. It's fun, though. It's great. It's what you try when you're like, you know, late 20s, 30s. Yeah. You just have just enough in the world to be dangerous and you think you're going to be James Bond. And, you know, first of all, it's just, one person is always going to be a little jealous. Oh. And it's just always good. It's just never as cool as it should be. Unless, you know, maybe there are some people who can pull it off. I think they're faking. I think there are women who like love the guy and trying to make the guy love them so much that they pretend that they love this, but they really don't. And I never want anyone that's ruling one. No one can ever, do not ever fake anything with me because it's insults my intelligence. It makes me very angry. Well, I recently fake orgasm. Have you done that? No, but I remember Gilbert telling me a joke about that, which bladda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda ended with and spit on her back. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to go through the whole thing. But I did a whole thing where I was like, it was in the dark. And I go, oh, I'm going to go. And then I pulled away and I went to the other side of the room. But why are you? I went to the other side of the room. And then I quickly went to the bathroom as if I was swatching some stuff off. Why did you feel the need to fake or fake when it was like, it was never going to happen? It was never going to happen. I smelled something. You what? Smelled? Smelled? Smelled? Yeah. I smelled something. Smelled what? I don't know what. And it made you not want to come? I don't know what that is. I don't like it. But what was it, ass? No, it was even abs. It was like curdled blood, maybe. Curdled blood? What? Who are you fucking Dracula? What the fuck? What do you mean? I don't know. It smelled blood like something. Is she having a period? I don't know. It was in the dark. Why were you in the dark? Well, there was a little dim light, but you know what I mean? Right. Emission. Anyway. But yeah, but I pulled out in a work. And the acting was great. I would have wanted to ask her now. I did the whole thing. You know what I mean? The body trembled at the whole thing. That's interesting because you don't usually hear about men faking in orgasm. I mean, they make sex robots now that they say are so realistic that they can fake an orgasm, just like a real woman. Have you ever thought about... Doing that? A sex robot? Oh, a sex robot? No. No, I think that would... I would try. I would try once. But... But let's go. But can we go about to... Yeah. You don't think that... No, anywhere. You don't think that the television movies are dead. Right. No, I don't think they're dead. They're certainly not dead. Let me tell you, I can prove it with money, which is the bottom line for everything. Even commercial broadcast TV, which you'd think is the most inachronistic and it is. Like still people sitting there waiting through commercials for fucking headache medicine and fucking beans. Yeah. They every year have the up fronts in the spring where the networks sell their shitty shows to advertisers. And they kick in like nine billion dollars. Yeah. That's not dead. That's not what it used to be. Yeah. But there's still a lot of people watching Tim Allen. That's true. I mean, I've gotten a lot. I used to do... I did like 15 episodes of Magnum PI. Wow. Yeah. The one in Hawaii, of course. Yeah, yeah. I say, of course, because you're Asian. Yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying about television and movies, Bill, is that do you remember a day when they would... Bill is my dad. Call me Mr. Mark. Yeah, yeah. When they said, when you did like Carson, right, as a stand up. Yeah. And then you were an overnight, you know what I mean, household name. No, I wasn't. That's so wrong. It would do way more than it did if you did an late night experience now. Can I disabuse you? Oh, my God. What? I mean, you have to admit. Just let me just finish. Oh, God. This is how I talk. Okay. This is about something I actually know firsthand. Okay. So there's no reason to argue. Okay. Because I lived it. Okay, let's go. Like, I always say to people, you can argue with anything except me. Okay, go ahead. Like, I know me. Like, that's why I would never go to a psychiatrist. Like, really? I've been living with me all these years and you just met me and you're good. Okay. I lived it. I did 30 tonight shows. Was not anything close to a household name. It just wasn't like that. That was the 80s. That error that you're talking about was more like the 60s. Maybe the 70s. David Brenner was maybe the last guy who became a household name. A household name just from stand up on late night shows. Oh. Then that went away and you had to have the sitcom. And even after that, Roseanne, Freddie Prins, Robin Williams, all got sitcoms from the late night shows. Right. But the late night show itself did not make you a star. There you go. Mass is something. Yes, please. Right. But it still puts you on the map when it comes to maybe-- You were legitimate. You were legitimate. Right. You could do-- When I did J. Leno in the year 2000, no one called me the next day. Not even my parents. That's my point. It had a bigger bite to it if you did it with Carson in the 80s. Yes. Yes. Okay. But still not a star maker. Sure. But I think that the same thing has happened to maybe television in the film. It just doesn't have the same impact. Right. Well, certainly where you're talking about. The late-- the comic will come on at the end of the late night talk show. Yeah. That is nothing. What came along and blew everything out of the water was the Netflix special. Oh. That made legitimate comic stars. Yeah, Ali Wong. Yeah. Yeah. Me. Yeah. You named me one. Shane Gilles. Shane Gilles. It's a bastion, Madison. Madison. Madison. Madison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a number of them. Oh. Chris Di Stefano. Chris Stefano. Yeah. Shane was here. Same thing. Like you do a Netflix special. A lot of people see it. A lot of people see it. Yeah. I want to ask you another question. Yes. Are you-- and don't get angry. I'm never angry. And I'm so calm right now then. Look at me now. I'm so numb. I'm so numb. I stay there. And I come bad of it all. It's just spitting. It helps you. It helps you. What do you do club spots again or no? Club spots. Tonight I have two shows at the improv. Oh, God. You would never do that again. I'm on the road all the time. But I do the theaters and the cities. No, I know. You're a big draw. No, I'm not a giant draw. I'm stopping at the end of this year. Stand up entirely. Yeah, I may go back to it. But certainly 2025, I will not be on the right. I just want to see. It's like, I'm just better than ever. And I sell half the tickets to guys who I don't think are half as good as me. Wow. And that's not why I'm quitting. But it's like, you know, and I understand there's certain reasons for that. I'm sort of like typecast as a political comic, even though everyone can enjoy my show and laugh at it. And a lot of it is not political. But I get it. And when you're 70 almost, a lot of people just want to see people there generation. I get it. And they just think, oh, it's going to be too smart for me or something. Right. And for some people, that's true. But you have to be a pretty big idiot for my show to be too. Anyway, yeah, it'll be an interesting change. And I think, especially when you get into the years, I'm in. It's important to like, like, keep putting yourself out of your comfort station. Try out new things or stop doing things. See, you know, you can only. And here's my fear right now, I'm having a really difficult time trying new stuff. Because, you know, a lot of times when I perform, you know, they're pretty much all there to see me, they're generally always packed. Yeah. And I'm feeling like this pressure to kill. Right. And so, and I'm. Sure. And now I'm like, I didn't try that because it's a longer pin than I want to eat it. Right. I get it. So how do you still push through or? Well, first of all, I never go to the clubs anymore. I do try out new stuff, but I do it in my regular shows. And after doing it 40 years, like, I'm almost never wrong. I don't remember the last time I, like, tried out a new bit. And it just got nothing. It's like, I just been doing it too long. I can tell if it's going to work or not. Now, do I keep everything in the act after one or two times? No, because, but it didn't die. It just didn't get as great as, you know, it's like, okay, they like it. They don't love it. Goodbye. Right. I'm only going to put what they look. But it doesn't like upset the show. It doesn't look weird in the show. Right. It just looks like a joke that wasn't a 10. It was a five. And it's fine. But like, when was the last, I did something. Oh, I did a whole thing about being about to be 69. A whole routine, which I'd never done before. I did it this weekend in Boston and then Connecticut. It killed. I just knew it would. Yeah. You know, it was the first time you tried it. Ever. Wow. It's, you know, 40 years. Yeah. It's a long time, dude. Yeah. I got it. I think I have, I'm stuck. And I got to figure it out because it's like, tonight, like, I know I'm going to kill. No, you haven't figured out. You've analyzed exactly what it is. And I get it. You don't want to disappoint your fans. Yes. When I go up on stage, I mean, as, and again, going on for a long time. Have you asked me what mostly do I want to be tonight? I would say they're hero. Yes. I want to be their hero. Well, yeah, they don't want to see the hero, like, fumpering and doing things that may not, you know, work. Yeah. And so, well, first of all, you know, if you do a set of, I don't know how long you're doing a half hour. Yeah. Okay. If you do a half hour, three bits, if you do one every 10 minutes and it doesn't work, you're fine. Right. You're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what you have to, you just have to be disciplined about it and just slip it in. Yeah. That's it. I'm slipping in tonight. Or you could use the method that a lot of comics we did, I did it. Lots of comics did it in their first five years, maybe even more. Strong openings, strong ending and put the shit in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you have plenty of great shit. I mean, I'm sure you do a killer half hour. Yeah. So just, you know, they probably, they judge you so much more just by how you end. It's amazing. It's funny because I feel like my growth spurt in comedy was. I can see it. It was higher when earlier on in my career. When I had, I just, you know, I mean, there was no name to me and so I can just experiment. You mean, and I'll try this and that. And as I get older and the more famous I become, it just, I just get bogged down with like, you know, I mean, what people expect. You know what I mean? And it's just like, I just feel like it. I'm in a point where it's like, I either have to change or I have to get out because it's driving me crazy. Wow. That's heavy. It's pretty heavy. Yeah. Yeah. Like I can't even, like I won stage killing it. I don't even want to be up there anymore. You know what I mean? And it's not why I did comedy. Yeah. And I'm stuck. I mean, it's, it's crazy. It's funny. I only do two days in a row ever. Like I do Friday and, or usually not Friday because I take real time on Friday. Saturday morning goes to a place like went to Boston this past weekend. Did the show Saturday? Wilburk Theatre? No. The Fenway Park. Oh, wow. I had a bucket list night. I've always wanted to see Fenway Park on all the baseball side. Right. And the MGM Theatre is connected to... We just played it. Oh. The Fenway. Yeah. It's a great theatre. So I, you know, I used to be a minority owner of the New York Mets. Wow. So I have connections among the owners in baseball. Yeah. And I said, I'm going to be a Fenway. So they were super nice. I said, my show was going on mostly when the game is going on. Oh. But it was the Yankees. I got there, went to the owners box. They had me in super nice, John Henry and Tom Warner. Yeah. And they, I saw the first inning, went in my show, ran back over, and saw the end of a super exciting nine to seven game. But they were like, they were behind. They tied it up. And of course, Fenway was going nuts. And I don't give a shit about the fucking Yankees. I'm a nuts guy. So, I mean, I was thrilled just for the fans. It was amazing. But anyway, the point is I was... So I fly to the first city, do the second city, and then fly home. And so I'm only ever gone over one night because I'm just a real baby about being on the road. But it's amazing. Even just those two nights. The first night, I'm frustrated because I haven't done my act probably in two weeks. I'm not on the road every weekend. So it's not quite in my head enough. So like some things, I'm not hitting as great as I could if it was like really fresh in my mind. So I'm like, oh, I got about 80% out of that joke and I feel bad. They laugh, but I know that it could have been better. - The second night, because I just did it the night before, I'm a little bored with it. (laughing) - Oh, really? - Yeah. - Wow. - Some things, it's like, no, oh yeah, I remember exactly how to do that. So I'm just, I feel like a hack. If I go, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. They laugh a lot. And if I go duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. They don't, you know, it's like, that's stupid, but yeah. I mean, you know, you get into ruts and how you say a joke sometimes. Because it works. - Yeah, yeah. But you haven't probably have dealt with hecklers in a long time now. - Not hecklers, I wouldn't define them as that. - Yeah. - Because hecklers are antagonistic. I get lots of people who are just too enthusiastic and they think they're helping or they just wanna say something. - Right. - You know, and they just, they don't get it that, you know, comedy's timing. And the fact that you just yelled out when you did, you deprived the entire audience here. Like a few thousand people of that punchline. And there's no going back. - There's no going back, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I cannot go back. So they were about to have this. I mean, what, this is what they're paying for, to have their gut exercised by laughter. And you took that one away from you. Just one part, you took that one. - I get so mad when they do that though. Especially it's one of your favorite jokes. - Right, but again, it's probably the same thing 'cause they like you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know. - But you just still, there's a little bit of a business. - It's terrible. And then you have to like yell at them. And it's like, I said at the other night, I said, "I just hate it when my own fans are assholes." Because they did it again. - Yeah, yeah. - Like they did it twice. I was like, "I just told you. "You deprived these people and you did it again. "You're my fan and you're an asshole. "That's so hard for me to compute." You know, it just bugs me. - What does it last to be did a weekend at a club probably for thousands of years? - A club? - Yeah, yeah. - Hundreds of hundreds of years. - I don't know. It certainly wasn't in this century. (laughing) - It's what it wasn't. - I know. - I mean, politically incorrect went on in '93. - Yeah, yeah. - So I was doing, I certainly was doing theaters by the end of the century. - Wow. - But... - Wow. - What? - Because you, you, you forgot what it was like Friday night, second show at a club. - Man, I've been forgotten at all. It's like a million years old. I couldn't forget that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Of course, I did it so many times. - Yeah. - I did three shows. - Wow. - There were three shows. When comedy was really peaking in the '80s, it was like Lee Thing, they could sell three shows. Saturday night, you could probably sell five, but of course. So there was 739, 30, and 1130. Now I hated doing two. Three, I mean, you don't even know what you're saying after the... - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And of course you have to do the show in exact order because the last thing you want to do. - Repeat jokes. - Right. This is the greatest fear I ever had. I did it once, my whole life, once. And it was enough. I hated, I didn't want to have it happen even then, but it did, and if people don't know what we're talking about, like in the second show, you're not aware sometimes if you don't do it in an exact order of what you said in which show. So you say the joke you already said in this show, thinking, you hadn't said it. Oh my God. And of course, the people just look at you like you fucking fraud. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah. You fucking fraud. - I had an opener at Phoenix Live and she was new at comedy. And she was all in stage. And you know, in the green room, you see the screen and you're watching her. And she... - So what was it? - It's some local MC that they hired, right? - Oh, okay. - I forgot her name and she said, she was going into the same joke the second time, halfway during the joke, she goes, have I said this joke already? And the whole audience goes, yeah. And then she birthed into tears on stage. - I wanted to. (laughing) - I remember the date it happened and where it was. - No, you remember it. - Yeah, it was searing. It was just horrible. I don't remember the joke, but I remember it was December 8th, 1983 in Sacramento. - Wow. - Yeah. - Wow, you remember. - I do. It was just seared in my mind. So three shows, I mean, you just, and by the way, even when you do that, you're trepidatious when you get to the, for some reason, the end of your show, because that's the last thing you said in the last show was that last routine. And half of your mind is telling you, fuck, I think I said this in this show. And the other half of your mind is going, no, no. I know it seems that way, but you didn't. Just stick to it. So you can't really concentrate on making it great performance. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wow. - You're just like sticking your toe in the water. Did I say this? I think it's horrible. So I haven't done two shows in this, again, in this century. I will, there is no amount of money that could get me to do two shows. - Wow, wow, you're so lucky. - Yeah, I have. - Have you ever had, 'cause I've had, I've been booed off the stage before. Have you ever had that? - Oh, I opened for rockax and had things thrown at me. - Wow. - I mean, they're booing when you walk out. They don't want to see you. They want to see me. They want to see the band. - Yeah. - The worst is like, you know, I've been doing these shows called The Great Outdoors in Canada. And it's all, it's during the day, it's thousands of people, but they're out on picnic benches eating, you know. And it's hard man. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? It's like to get, like the lab, 'cause it's outside, so the lab's just a thing. - Well, first of all, outside. Nightmare. - I tap out over. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Outside is just horrible. - Nightmare. - And I've done it even recently. The last show I did in Hawaii. I did Hawaii for 12 years on a New Year's show. And the last year, for some reason they changed the venue and Honolulu when it was outside. I couldn't do anything about it. - You used to look at the Hawaii theater? - Maybe. I don't remember. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - We used to, one show in Maui, and that was on the 30th and on the 31st, it was always Honolulu. - Yeah. - It was magical, that 12 year run. But the last year, it was one of the reasons I was like, okay, I'm out. This is-- - You can't do it. - Well, you know, I mean, everything comes to an end. But outside, it's just, well, I just hate it outside. - It's a nightmare. - Well, people have to know the acoustics are so important for comedy. When you're in a rat scalar, when you're in a closed environment with hard wood or this kind of thing. It's great because the laughs bounce off and it sounds awesome. And if you're outside, the laughs just go up into the atmosphere. - To dissipate, yeah. - Even a Vegas showroom, very often the ceilings are high, the furniture is plush. It's terrible for comedy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's like, you think you're bombing. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, and-- - You're not, right. You're not, Sugura told me, 'cause I just did it with Winnipeg, with Tom Sugura last Friday, and he said, as I was like, dude, I hate outside. He's like, just play to one table. So I just looked at one table that really liked me. - Wow. - You know what I mean? And I kept looking at them and like referring to them, you know what I mean? And it seemed to help, man. But it was like, you know, 'cause sometimes I did a show once outside where in two minutes, I got booed off a stage. It wasn't a rock, it was a comedy show. Leslie Jones-- - Why didn't they like you right away? - 'Cause it was more, it wasn't my audience. It was more, I don't even know how to say this, it was more-- - White people. - More black people. More black people. - White or black people. - Yeah, more black people. It was more black people. And Leslie Jones-- - Black people are like you. - No, they love me. I love black people. But Leslie Jones had hopped off the stage, had a dry hump, this white guy, and they're like, you're destroying. And I was back there and I was like, oh shit, this is gonna be tough, right? And as soon as I went up there, it just, they just, as soon as I opened my mouth, and I did two, three minutes, I got off stage, I was gonna do 20 minutes. It was so, I burst into tears about six. - I mean, audiences can just be, like, it's almost like the way a mob becomes something different than the individual does something worse, because they don't feel, they feel no individual responsibility for it. I mean, I've certainly seen it in the Catskills with Jewish audiences. - You used to play the Catskills? - Well, we all did. When we first came up. - Wow. - There was something called the Raleigh Showcase. - Wow. - I did it, Seinfeld did it. We all did it. It was at one in the morning. That was horrible. But I did, I played New Year's Day, I think New Year's Night. New Year's Eve at Gro singers, which was the archetypal Catskills in 1984. I opened, before I was 28, I opened for Roberta Flack, who at the time was one of the biggest recording stars. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - The first time I ever saw your face was a huge hit. And what's the other one, Killing Me Softly, which isn't that Roberta Flack? - Yeah, that's right. - I mean, those are classics. So, okay, the show is 20 minutes late. The audience, 20 minutes, which is not a really long time. But again, this is the Catskills, Jewish audience, very demanding. - Yeah, yeah. - Mrs. Grossinger Eddiss, the matron of the hotel walks out and is booed unmercifully because the show's 20 minutes late. - Yeah, yeah. - I go out, I'm the opening champ. - Wow. - Okay, so I do okay. - Yeah. - Do you remember? - You said, are you nervous or no? - Yeah, I have 28 years like I did three carsons or whatever. And I was, you know, look, I'm working Grossinger. To me, this was like big. - Yeah. - This was not the clubs. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm not the clubs anymore. I'm, you know, I'm opening for somebody, but it's still, that was the next step on the ladder. - Yeah. - That was big. I mean, Roberta Flack was huge. - Yeah. - I'm working with a huge star. That's not working with, you know, Peter Shmoog in it, that the comedy battle. Okay, so, so I do okay. Roberta Flack walks out there and before she is finished with the first song, half the audience gets up and leaves. - Wow. - They're just like, this is not for us. This is not our kind of music. - You see upperwood killing me softly? - I don't remember it. I don't think it-- - Open with that. - I think it didn't matter. This is 1994, we're talking about elderly Jews. - Right. - We're talking about, and I'm not saying that they were racist, but it just wasn't their thing. And, but instead of being polite and at least waiting, you know, for the show, I don't know, half, not even the first song, just like, no, I'm just saying audiences of all stripes. - Wow. - Ethnicities, they can all be just horrible. Their view collectively is like, you're there for us, and if you're not doing the job, I'm sorry. - Wow. - You know, we're paying you or whatever it is. And whatever their rationalization is, they're not there for yours. - Was she visibly upset? - I don't remember, I guess she went on with their show, I'm sure she got paid. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I do, I don't remember what happened after, I think I was gone by then. - I don't know, I do remember being brought into the prayer circle with the Roberta Flack band and her before the show. There was like, we're doing that. And I'm like, what, okay, all right, sure, okay, sure, whatever, you know, I mean, you know, bring the atheist me into the prayer circle. Sure, I'm down, whatever. I mean, I acquitted myself that night, but she, that was, yeah. So I'm just saying, I don't know what I'm saying, I'm saying, if it doesn't feel right to keep doing stand up, I'd be the last one to tell you to keep doing it 'cause I'm also not doing it after this year. - Yeah, no, I'm gonna keep doing it. I just have to figure it out because, you know, I gotta take some risks here because it's either that or I'm out, you know what I mean? Because it's-- - Aren't there places you can go where they dealt with, specifically for the experimental? What's that place on-- - Typewriter? - No, Largo? - Largo. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Isn't that something like that? - Yeah, I mean, that's a little too alternative for me. - Too alternative. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Right. - You know, I don't know if you, I mean, I don't, did you guys back have like club comics and alternative comics back in the day? - Well, I mean, alternative to me sounds like a fancy way of saying not that funny, but I could be wrong. - No, there's so many funny alternatives. - I mean, that's a great guy. - But how do you define alternative? I mean, to me, it's such a pretentious term. I'm like, oh, I'm alternative. Like, are they laughing or are they not? - Yeah, I think it's the approach of like, in terms of like, you know, I rely on switches and getting a laugh every 15 seconds and those kind of things. - Let me put it this way. - Okay. - If you're getting laughs, it can't be that alternative. - Alternative. - Right. - Because the-- - It's a label. - But like, show me an alternative joke versus a real one or an old school one. - Yeah, I can't really. - Oh, right. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - If I'm telling you, the audience isn't that hip. If you're making them laugh, it's not really alternative. It's just working or it's not. I don't think there are many ways to do it. - I think it's, I think, I'm gonna say this. - Their jokes are smarter. - Yeah, I guess-- - And, you know what I mean? And it's more Ivy League. And it's more like, you've been more of a club. Is that club and I'm more, you know-- - Well, I sure don't think of Ivy League as smarter. - Okay. - I think there are, these are the assholes and I went to an Ivy League college. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Who are protesting for Hamas. - Yeah. - There are morons, there are A-hysterical America. - Yeah. - I mean A-hysterical. - Yeah. - America hating hysterical. - Yeah. - That's who they are. They're not smart. - Yeah. - I've always been about like just meat and potatoes. - When I talk about sex, I'm gonna say-- - Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're funny. You're a funny comedian. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Don't apologize for it. - But you have to admit that there is a section of comedy. They're a little bit more arrogant. They look down on you and it's like-- - Are they the most successful? - Some of them are very successful. - Like who? Who's alternative? - I can't hear anyone on their name 'cause I wanna start a war. You know what I mean? My whole career has been me starting wars. I'm not starting anymore wars. - And I'm not doing largo. I don't need to. - Yeah, I get paid when I do it. - Yeah, and what I've been doing is doing Bobbie Lee's new joke night. I'll do that. - You know what, I do the most, if you really wanna talk about what's alternative, I do the most alternative comedy out there by my definition, and I think some people would agree with me because I do a show that yes, has a lot of political stuff in it. Certainly most of it is about stuff that are issues and not just trivia. I do a lot of personal stuff at the end, stuff about sex that isn't political at all, but a lot of it, and I play to a ideologically mixed audience. In other words, it's not just a bunch of fucking liberals. There are conservatives in the audience, and I go after both sides. I let them know for sure that I think the right is much more dangerous, but I don't hold my tongue for the left. That's alternative. I don't think a lot of people are doing that or could. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's well received by a lot of people who really feel the same way. We're just the normies in the middle. We're tired of the assholes on both sides of the extremes. That's, to me, the most alternative kind of comedy you could do. Now, that sounds self-aggrandizing, but prove me wrong. - I'm glad you said that because there is, politically, I mean, I have my views that I don't express, and I think they're just such fear there, too, that it's like I'm so afraid to say anything because of just the trolls. - It's not your thing. Don't. You're great at your thing. - I know, but I do have opinions. - Yeah, but I have opinions about things I don't express. - Oh, you do. - No, not really. (laughing) - Oh, okay, do you have stuff that you lock in a fucking box? - No, just the thing about the sex and everything. - With that thing. You'll tell me later. - Just a secret, just between us. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - So what is the greatest... What movie should I start with? The Seven Samurai? - Mmm. - No, really. - Would you ever see the Magnificent Seven? - Yes, of course. - Well, that was based on Seven Samurai. - Not that I know. - Right, so, I mean, let me start with that. - The original or the Magnificent Seven? - Magnificent Seven. - Really? - Yeah, you're not a Star Wars fan. - Hate it. - I know you know. I've heard you say it. - Yeah. - Why? - Why not? I mean, you know why? - Why? - Because I'm an alternative movie watcher. (laughs) - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's just not my thing. - Yeah, yeah. - And you know. - Like, if you saw Art of Detail Walk in here, you'd be offended? - I'm not offended. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There he is right there. There he is right there, isn't that, aren't you? Oh, no, that's a space meter. No, I just, look. To the credit of George Lucas and the people who work on that movie. - Yeah. - I always give props to success. Obviously, it is successful beyond almost anyone's ability to compete. - Yeah. - So good for you. - But in 1977, when that movie came out, what were you fucking doing? - I was. - You were like, fuck Star Wars? - I'm not, I still am not fuck Star Wars. I'm just like, just leave me alone and I'm not interested in it. - But you never saw it. - The first one. - I tried. - You saw the first 15 minutes? I'm getting more aggressive again. - Like, you said the first 15 minutes. - Like, look, I love to try things, not dick sucking. - But, I mean, you know, within reason. - Yeah, yeah. - I do, I will try anything. Any music, any, and I will, I am absolutely putting on my list now. I've got to see Kurosawa and I want to see the original. - Yeah. - But I tried a couple of times. I found it to be just wooden and obvious and not sophisticated. And it just wasn't for me. I found nothing to recommend it. And then in later years, like when they made sequels, I sometimes would be in the kitchen where I watched some of my TV while I'm making food and there was some Star Wars stuff. I see, okay, let me try them. Maybe I was wrong. No, just same, same reaction. Like, what is this? You know, they're in the desert and there's lots of billowy flowing clothes and they're just having this dialogue that isn't not interesting. - Like in every morning. - It just did not, you know, something-- - So if I asked you, you knew who Legolas is, would you know who that is? - No, never heard about it. - You never heard of Legolas. - No, but to the credit of Star Wars and again, it's success. I know that, oh, I wouldn't want that either. Or to teach you, I know that. - Yeah. - What did R2D do look like? - I don't know, but I-- - What does he look like? - I don't know. But I know his sexual harassment lawyer. - Yeah. - R-D, R-D, me too? - That's good. That's clip bad. That's really funny. - Clip bad. (laughing) No, but I know that there's the Star Wars bar. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I know Jabba Wock, you know. - Jabba, yeah, yeah. - You know something like that. - Jabba the Hutt. - Jabba the Hutt, yeah, yeah. - Jabba the Hutt, yeah. - I know that. I mean, when things get into my conscious, by the way, I have a term for that mind rape, is when something gets in my mind that I didn't ask for. - Right. - That's mind rape. I mean, they are so successful. They have mind raped me about the answer. I know who Princess Leia is, or you know that she's the character. - Yeah. - I know Han Solo. - Yes. - I was-- - Good. - Very good. It's working. - It's working. - Yeah. - But I don't really, but I don't follow them or care about-- - So you never saw any Lord of the Rings movie? - No. - Yeah. - It's also-- - You look fantasy. - Do not. - Yeah. - I mean, what do you watch then? - Right. - Ken Burns documentaries all day. I mean-- - Like really, there's nothing between Ken Burns and Lord of the Rings? - Yeah. - No, this-- - What does Bill Maher watch? I'm curious. - Oh, there's a million things. I mean, you know, generally, first of all, I have TVs in four different rooms. - Yeah. - So it really depends on what room I'm in. - Mm-hmm. - I watch stuff that I really just watch. I'm not doing anything else. - Okay. - But I have TVs in my office, in the bathroom, and in the kitchen. And in those places, I'm doing something else, like I'm in the bathtub, I'm making food, I'm in my office unpacking my briefcase. It doesn't have to be like, in those rooms, I usually watch some of the horror. I watch movies like I had seen in years. I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I like this one." I recently watched one I had seen years ago, and I remember not liking it too much. It was called The Box. Just for example. - Okay. - Okay, it was with Cameron Diaz. - Okay. - And James Morrison, I like them. I think it's a horror movie. It's certainly a horrible movie. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would kill myself if I had to watch it, just sitting in bed. But it just, I'd sort of like, I was in the kitchen. I was like, "Oh yeah, I remember this. It's about this couple." And they get a box from a unknown person. And it says, "If you push this button, you'll become rich." - Oh, right. - But you'll kill this anonymous person somewhere else. - Right. - And I just thought, "Oh yeah, I remember that part of it. It couldn't have been that bad after that." - It was. - I was right all those years ago. It was just-- - So I called you Bill, and I go, "Hey Bill, what's up? It's me, Bob." Right? And I go, "Hey, let's go watch Long Legs. Would you go do a movie there and watch Long Legs?" - What's Long Legs? - It's a horror movie that just came out with Nick Cage. - No, I don't want a horror movie. - Okay. Any movie. Is there any movie that I could call you and go, "What's up, Bill? Let's check out Avengers Million." - Not Avengers. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I don't watch movies for children. Okay, I'm gonna-- - But when's the last time, Bill? - I went to a movie. - A movie theater. - In the theater? - Yeah. - I think the last movie I went to was Bridge of Spies. - Oh. - Tom Hanks. - Yeah. - And Steven Spielberg directed an adult movie about something but also that was very entertaining. That's-- - Can I plug a movie that I'm in? - Please, you're here to absolutely-- - No, I have two podcasts. - Yes, we know that-- - Very belly bad friends. Check that out. - They're very, very successful. - And then I'm in a movie called Borderlands coming out August 9th. - Borderlands. - Yes. - You know, this is between North and South Korea. (laughing) - No, no. I play Kim Jong Un and Il. It's a, this flashbacks. No, I, no, it's a, it's a, like a, you know, you all, like you're not gonna see it. It's based on a video game called Borderlands. - Mm. - And it's got, why are you leaning? - Why not? - Okay, good. It's your show. (laughing) It's a little aggressive. - It's your shit. - Yeah? - Okay. Anyway, um, it's got me, Kevin Hart, Jack Black. - Wow. - Kate Blanchard. - That's a lot of-- - Jimmy Lee Curtis. - That's a lot of funny people. Kate Blanchard is a riot. - Yeah. - Kate Blanchard. - That's an A-lister. - I love her. - It's a list, A-lister. - Nice person. - A-lister. - Yeah, A-lister. - And we shot it during-- - Who else did you say after her? - What? - Kate Blanchard and who? - Jimmy Lee Curtis. - Jimmy Lee Curtis. - Sweetheart. - Are there A-lister? - Yeah, A-lister. And, um, it's based on a video game and it comes out in a couple of weeks, I think. - Well, I mean-- - I'm not gonna watch it, but I'm in a-- - I had two sins. (laughing) - You know, once you say based on a video game, you've got me hooked. - Oh my God, Bill, seriously. I mean, you don't play Warzone? - I've never played a video game. I never even-- - Dude, Bill Maher playing Warzone. - You'd be so good, I think. - Warzone. - Yeah. - Why do I wanna be in a Warzone? - It's great. So what do you do? - Yeah. - Hear me out. - I'm listening. - All right, so get an Xbox? - No. - Yes. I'll buy it for you. - Okay. - If I sent you a Xbox, would you play Warzone? - No. - Please. - We'll play with yours one day. - That's how it works. You play from your house and I will link up from my house and we'll talk on the thing. Just hear me out. Can you just hear me out? - I'm hearing. - All right. - Just bring this item. - So does it your soldier? You and I will be dropped into like, you know what I mean? A country or a piece of land and we fight against other people. It's happening in real time and we get to come back and forth like, Bill get on the hill. Snipe, snipe. - You know, it sounds awful. - It's so fun. - It sounds awful and unhealthy. I mean, why do I wanna be sniping people in my fantasies? That's sick. - Okay, okay, okay. - I don't wanna be in a Warzone. - Okay, well then let's play Stardew Valley. - What's that? - Can I pitch it to you? - Sure. - All right. So we're farmers. - We're farmers, are you? - Okay, we're farmers. - Okay. - And I'm planting. So, you know, there's four seasons, where you have spring, summer, fall and winter and you can only plant certain things in certain areas but you can visit my farm. We can also get married to it. I know we don't have to suck each other's dicks but like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I knew it was always gonna come back to that. - Yeah, you don't have to do, there's no mechanism that you can do that. I'm just saying that we can be married to have kids in the game. So we have a farmhouse. - We can, I guess two men, we can have kids. - Yeah, we can adopt them in the game. - Oh, that's right, men can get pregnant now. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So anyway, we start a farm, right? And then, I mean, there's adventures as soon we can go to the mines and mine for like copper and stuff like that to build stuff. - Yeah, I think I'd rather be a sniper than working the farm. - Oh yeah, let's go back to war zone. - Yeah. - Okay, I live in reality, I like my reality and I'm gonna stay in reality. - You never heard of escapism? - Yeah, there is escapism. - How about this then, Bill, check it out. I mean, we'll go to an escape room. Would you do that with me? - What happens there? - We're in a room and there's puzzles we have to solve to get out of the room. It's a real place that we go. - I do crossword puzzles. - Okay, I know, but that's not the same, man. - Oh, I know. - Okay. - It's what I like. - Okay. - You haven't even tried any of these things. How do you know you're not gonna like it? You made a decision before you even tried. - Yeah, you're right. I mean, that's kind of true. - If I send an Xbox, will he get it? - Yeah, it's like, I don't talk to the wall. - Okay, sorry. - It's like, it's like, you know, asking me if I wanna like chew something and spit in a bucket. Sometimes you just know, you don't. You know, you know, see, the difference between our generation and our-- - Epinata, I never liked epinata. - Our generation is showing. These are like things of your generation that you-- - I can't, what are you talking about? - It is. - It's insane. I'm 52 years old. - I understand that's a different generation. You're 16 years different. - Yeah. - You're into video games and that kind of stuff. They're alien to me. Another indication of our different generations is this. When you get a little older, you're approaching it. You'll understand that the most important attributes in any other human beings, I think, I think a lot of people my age come to this are, well, comfort, you like your comfort, but more than that, above all, acceptance. You just have to accept people for what they are. You can't-- - I know. - You can't nag them, you can't just try to browbeat them into being who they're not. You can suggest things if they spark to it great, but the hard sell on, you're not like me-- - I didn't do that. - Well, I'm just saying. - I literally didn't do that. - I was just saying, maybe come on that way to me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, what I'm saying about Epinata, I've never had Epinata. - How can you not like pussy? How can you not be-- - I love pussy. - How can you, no, I'm just saying that my analogy to me-- - What I'm saying is that there was a time I'd never had an Epinata, I refuse to do it. I don't like the name of it, right? And then I tried it and I loved it, that's my point. - I understand. - Okay? So what I'm, all I'm asking you to do is maybe create a username, logon, get a gamer tag, and let's play one day, maybe six hours of war zone. (laughing) It will stream it, it'll get millions of views. - Oh, I see. - Great, stream it. - Yeah. You know what we should do? We should, what's the, what's the sport, the esports, where they watch other people playing video games? - I've seen that, I've done that. - What is that called? - Esports. - Esports, right? So you're watching other people do something virtual. - Yeah. - Right. And you don't see why your generation is fucked up. - What the fuck now? - That's so fucked up. When you're watching a soccer match, we're watching two people play soccer. - They're actually playing soccer. - They're actually playing. - Yeah, they're watching video games. - They're actually playing a video game. - You're watching people type, basically. - No, that's not the same, no. - I get it. - No, no, you don't get it. - I don't want to get it. - No, can I just? - How about this? - Okay. - One on one basketball. - I'm five, two, man. I'm not gonna play basketball. You think I'm y'all ming? (laughing) I've never made a basket of my life. I don't get, I don't got how many tries. I don't know how to do that. Ping pong. - But you could learn, see? You could get good. There have been short basketball. - That's a good, short basketball. - But see, it's the same thing. - No, it's not, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. - And I wouldn't, and I wouldn't. - I've tried basketball. That's the thing. You haven't tried war zone. - That's true. - You're right. It's like, I'm willing to go, okay, this is a ball. That's a basket. And I'm trying. - Okay. - Under it. Were you leaving now? - Yes. - Why are you leaving now? - Because they told me you have to get to a set at the comedy store. - Yeah, just give me three more minutes to convince you here. (laughing) - Just give me, all right. I'm just saying, I want you to be willing to like, 'cause you know, you're 68 years old. - All right. - All right. - Oh, no, they're good. Okay, so I will pay for your Xbox. I'll even pay for the internet, whatever it costs. - I'll do it. - All right, great. - That's the easiest way out. - What do we learn today? - We learned why I'm not married. (laughing) - Because you feel like you're very good. - Nagged like that, I be out so fast. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I remember way back in the day, being in a couple of relationships where it was just like that, where they go at you until you just go, "Yes." And then they keep going, "Yeah, I agree." - Okay. - Done. All right. (laughing) It still goes on. - Yeah. - So that's what I'm saying to you. - Because everyone listening right now, all right. - I cannot wait till we play. - On the comments or direct message and make them play the game, I'll give them the console anyway. All right, Black, I'd ever see them. - No. (laughing) - Okay. - Club. (upbeat music) - All right, Bob, are you gonna get to the comedy store? - Improv. - The improv. - Yeah. - That was my club. - I do both buzz. [MUSIC PLAYING]
