Relationship & Marriage Advice Podcast
5 Common Reactions To Infidelity That Hinder Healing - Affair Recovery Support
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- Duration:
- 37m
- Broadcast on:
- 09 Aug 2024
- Audio Format:
- mp3
Friends, isn't it fascinating how relationships bring us immense joy, but also profound heartache? There are dance of emotions, yet how often do we truly, deeply, consciously invest in the relationship we have with ourselves and loved ones. That investment, that time and that energy is the most powerful gift we could ever bestow upon yourself and those you love. As life didn't give us a manual on handling emotions and communication challenges, we also weren't taught the art of building romantic ties or how to deeply love and value ourselves. But I'm here to share more life affirming, relationship enhancing, wisdom with you all. And now you can also find this transformational content pouring onto Facebook, YouTube and Instagram, diving into the show notes to connect with all the magic, history of growth, love and endless learning. Hi, this is Nick of the Beer and today I'm going to be talking to you about the five common reactions to infidelity and how they can hinder your healing. Experiencing cheating can be an incredibly painful and destabilising event. People respond in various ways, often driven by such intense emotions. However, there are some common reactions that can end up being self-defeating and hinder healing and personal growth. So today we're going to dive into the top five reactions to infidelity, why they occur and how they can hold you back. Number one is seeking revenge. When infidelity is discovered, the initial response might be an intense desire for revenge to make them feel the hurt you're feeling. You may feel that they deserve to be punished and this can manifest as making the cheating partner go and tell their parents what they've done or other family members or friends. So bringing shame and guilt to their behaviour. It could also involve doing things to make the other person jealous. It could also involve publicly posting about them, telling stories about them and for some seeking revenge is seeking out an affair to even the score. While the urge for revenge is understandable, it ultimately leads to more pain. Pain payback keeps you locked in a cycle of anger and bitterness, preventing you from moving on. It also doesn't address the root cause of your pain and often leads to further complications and regrets. Instead of healing, you may end up deepening your wounds and potentially causing harm to others. Then the trust needs to be built on both sides, both ways in the relationship rather than just one, which can cause more challenges for happiness in the individual and the relationship. Emily and Mark had been married for 10 years when Emily discovered Mark's affair. Her and enraged Emily decided to get back at Mark by messaging her ex and engaging in sexing. She started off flirting with him at first and then opened up about what her husband had done. Her ex started telling her that she didn't deserve it, that she was beautiful and that he could send a few pictures to take her mind off things. So then they started back and forth sending sexual pictures and engaging in sexing chats late into the evenings. And it kind of spiralled out of hand. Initially, Emily said that she felt a sense of empowerment and vindication. However, the brief satisfaction quickly faded and she was left with feelings of guilt and disgust at herself that she had done the same, the very things she was so distraught about she was doing too. It also got more complicated because her ex kept wanting to meet up, he kept filling her head with confusing messages about her husband and whether she should stay or leave, causing her confusion and overwhelm. Emily and Mark's relationship deteriorated further as when Mark found out he felt even more justified in his actions, his reactions and their communication broke down completely. Seeking revenge ultimately deepened the emotional wounds for both of them and created new problems that made reconciliation even more difficult. It hurt both of their self-esteem so it also caused them individual pain. Of course, it's natural to feel the urge to make your partner face consequences for their cheating. Many fear that if their partner isn't punished enough that they might cheat again, leading them to continually hurt their partner as a way of protection. However, this approach doesn't bring safety, doesn't bring peace that those who've been cheated on seek. I have experienced working with thousands of cheaters to help them change their patterns and I can see that if a cheater really does love their partner, really does care for them, really does want the relationship to work, believes in their relationship, believes in their love, believes in their partner, then seeing you in a lot of pain and hurt, seeing you suffering is often a strong punishment enough to make them really wake up and focus on the actions that they need to rebuild trust in the relationship, actions to make the relationships stronger and for them to change their ways and view things in a different way. Of course, there are thousands of individuals out there who are stuck in a cycle of low self-esteem and self-sabotage leading them to repeatedly cheat. Sometimes serial cheaters cheat because they really have a need for validation and attention. They need to prove that they can get a woman or a man's approval. They need to be desired by a more than one person. Sometimes it's self-sabotage where a person doesn't believe that they deserve what they have and they do destructive behaviours or habits to ruin positive things in their life and these people need help to change their subconscious patterns. I talk about subconscious pattern rewiring in my affair recovery master class. You may want to go and check that out. If you do, all you need to do is go to my website, nicholabear.com, click on the GIFs and you will see about seven different GIFs, some are for relationships, there's two for affair recovery, one's the affair recovery pack, one's the affair recovery master class. They're all free so you may want to go and find them out. I'll also put the link in the show notes. When it comes to revenge, in my experience, helping thousands of individuals and couples to recover after an affair, it only has more drama and toxicity to an already strained relationship. That being said, it's important that you don't blame yourself for having the feeling to want to hurt your partner, to punish them, to get revenge, to show them what it feels like, to cheat on them. It's normal. It's normal to want your partner to know and feel what you're going through. However, acting on it causes damage to you, as we've mentioned, and to the relationship. It's okay to have the feelings, the thoughts, don't act on them. Perhaps to help you, you might find it useful to share with a therapist or with a friend or with your partner, getting your thoughts out of your head. Sometimes people will find writing them out beneficial, you just want to get them from stop going round and round and round your mind, so that's why sharing them in some way can really lessen the urge and make sure that it stays as feelings and thoughts and doesn't come out in actions. The second reaction I'm going to talk about is self-recrimination, self-bashing, negative self-talk, blaming yourself. After discovering your partner's infidelity, you might have blamed yourself for being too trusting, too naive, too stupid, or believe you're somehow responsible for why they cheated, telling yourself that you aren't good enough and that you've caused it in some way or form. People also blame themselves for deciding to stay or give their partner another chance, believing that they are weak or are full or not self-loving for wanting to still make the relationship work. This can lead to self-destructive behaviours such as neglecting self-care, not looking after yourself, substance abuse, and also need to anxiety and depression, feeling low, feeling unworthy, feeling responsible, blaming yourself, creates a real low-buy energy and this low-vive energy can be draining. Not taking care of yourself could be not sleeping, not eating, overeating and doing anything else that may be harmful to you. Self-bashing only compounds the pain of infidelity, it makes things worse. If you're going to add guilt and shame to your already challenging emotions, it just makes things worse. It also erodes your self-esteem, which has already taken a beating and can lead, as I mentioned, to a really low or anxious energy. Blaming yourself for someone else's choices presents you also from recognising your intrinsic worth and moving forward positively, healing requires self-compassion and a balanced perspective on the events that transpired. After discovering her husband's infidelity, Sarah I worked with, spiralled into self-blame. She convinced herself that she wasn't attractive enough or successful enough, which led her husband to cheat, that's what she told herself. If only I was more, young looking. If only I had a better wardrobe, if only I was thinner, if only I had kept working in the corporate world, she used to believe. Sarah had given up work to look after their children, and since she had, after some time, she started to see herself as dull, boring and too fat. These were her words. So you can imagine the pain of telling herself that, how she felt, thinking that about herself. And when she found out about her husband's affair, she felt broken. It just compounded all of these hidden feelings and brought them to the surface and made them stronger. Her husband had an affair with a co-worker, and she just felt inadequate. At the beginning, she lost motivation to take care of her appearance completely. She lost motivation to eat properly. She stopped engaging with people, fearing that people would probably think the same as she did. That her husband, Hasan, was justified to cheat because she was such a mess. That's how she saw herself as a mess. Alcohol was her only relief. She turned to alcohol to numb her pain. Sarah's self-harming behaviour led her to decline in her physical and mental health. She found herself feeling more lost and alone. Her friends and family grew concerned and tried to reach out, but Sarah just pushed them away, believing that she didn't really deserve their support and that she should just get over it and she should have just expected it. It wasn't until Sarah hit rock bottom and found my podcast that she began to understand that she'd gone through trauma, discovering her husband's cheating. And that her husband's actions were not her fault. With professional help, she started rebuilding herself esteem and reclaiming her life. Only then could she see clearly what was best for her. Her judgement was just so clouded with not feeling good enough that she couldn't escape beyond that. And I do actually have coming up a three part series on not feeling good enough and where it comes from and how it affects us and what to do because so many of us struggle with some aspect of ourselves where we feel that we're not good enough and sometimes it can be a number of areas where we feel we're not good enough and that's low self-esteem and it's not going to allow you to really enjoy and thrive in life if you feel like that and we have that sense. So the third reaction is over-analyzing everything. After discovering infidelity, you might become obsessed with finding out every detail of the affair. You might replay conversations and scrutinise social media interactions or constantly question your partner about the betrayal. But understanding the facts can initially seem like a way to regain control over-analyzing. Going over and over and over the same things keeps you stuck in a state of hyper-vigilance which is where you're hyper alert looking out for problems and issues and being hyper-aware of people's behaviours, their body language, their expressions, their tone of voice. You're just on a state of alert really which is so draining to be in that hyper-vigilant hyper-aware state, so tiring and anxious keeps people stuck in anxiety. Which of course if you're so consumed by taking in every bit of information around you, you're going to lose your focus on things that are important like your healing and other things that you need to focus on and therefore because you're not focusing on moving forward, you're not focusing on your healing, you're focusing on everything that's going around you, it gets people stuck. Continually questioning and replaying events can also strain any attempts at reconciliation and create a hostile environment if you're of course you choose to stay together. Now at the beginning, and I really need to make this distinction, at the beginning questioning and needing to know the details of what has happened is both natural and normal and is crucial for most people in their recovery. Most people need to know exactly what happened, when it happened, how it happened, most people need to have everything, all the pieces of the puzzle in front of them, put it together and then they can say right, now I can start to move on and this is how our mind works for most people they need to understand it, to process it and if there's too many gaps or too many unknowns or your partner keeps saying to you, I don't know, I don't know why I did it, I don't know when it happened or when how long. It just creates more stress and more anxiety. So yes, you do need to have the information, you do need to know what's happened, when happened, everything I've just mentioned and then you need to be able to move on. You then need to be able to say right okay, I know everything now and my husband or wife or girlfriend boyfriend has told me to the best of their ability, why they've done it. You can either be satisfied with that or you can say to them that just go and do a process to help you get to the root cause of why this happens, what you needed, what's missing, to really have a deeper look at themselves, you may need that or you may feel satisfied by the answers. But if you're not getting the answers of no wonder you can't meet peace, you do need the answers to be at peace but once you've got the answers, unfortunately sometimes people get stuck over going over and over the same thing. So they keep asking the same questions, they keep repeating themselves, they keep checking the phones, they keep checking everything for a long period of time and they're not really accepting and working towards healing when they're doing that. When you don't let go, this is where you get stuck unfortunately, doubting and double checking everything doesn't give peace. It really again drains a person's energy, drains the relationship. John discovered that his wife Lisa had an affair, unable to accept it, he couldn't accept it, he kept asking himself how could she do this, why could she do this, how did she do this to me and John became very obsessed with knowing every single detail. He interrogated Lisa daily, checked her phone and emails constantly and even followed her to meetings and put a GPS tracker in her car to ensure that she wasn't meeting the other man. He also did a deep archive into her past before the affair, trawling through social media and any other information he could find. He became very obsessed with looking at every single thing she'd said, done in the past, which dated way before the affair. John's relentless questioning and distress created a toxic environment in the home, Lisa felt suffocated and began to withdraw emotionally, feeling that no amount of explanation would ever satisfy John. Months and months passed, both hoping it would just get better by itself, but it didn't. The children also felt that strain, noticing the constant tension at home. John couldn't let go, his mind was analysing everything she said and did. Even though Lisa loved John and wanted it to work, she was considering divorce. As five months had passed and he was not letting her have any peace. As a last-itch attempt, Lisa decided to do the affair recovery program, where I was able to help John break the negative thought loops and stuck images of the affair that he had. He had images of text messages and made-up images and he couldn't stop thinking in the same way. He didn't want to be like this, he just wanted it to stop, but he didn't know how to control himself, he didn't know how to control that anxiety. So when we did the subconscious reprogramming, he was able to switch his mind, he was able to not entertain the thoughts. The thoughts may still come up, giving him the suggestion to check her phone or doubt what she's saying and we managed to just allow him to observe the thoughts and push them away and then think about the future, because he was just tired and sick also of thinking about the same things. He was able to, after control his thoughts better and get away from the how and the why questions to what actions he could take for himself, the relationship, the children, the family, the future, to be better and stronger. The full free action is total withdrawal, it's understandable with the pain of betrayal to want to hide yourself away, to create distance between yourself and others. You might withdraw completely from your partner, friends and family. This withdrawal can be both emotional and physical, leading to isolation. Total withdrawal can lead to loneliness of course if it's for a long period of time or even a short period of time, it can lead people to feel alone in the world, that they don't belong, that no one cares and it can also lead to depression. Isolation, obviously, cuts you off from support systems that can really help you heal, so it's so important to not isolate completely. Isolation also prevents you from processing your emotions in a healthy way, expressing them with other people, carrying on daily life, getting that balance, and when people isolate they can just get stuck in that state of hurt. Opening up to trusted friends or a therapist can definitely provide that necessary support and perspective during the difficult time, getting someone else's perspective or just letting them listen can be really helpful. People mistakenly think sometimes that if they move out or move away from their partner that they will get the answers as to whether to stay or leave their relationship. And this is rarely the case, often what happens is people go into an over-analyzing mode and this is where they list out the pros and cons of staying and leaving their relationship. The pros and cons of their partner or a new partner potentially that they're just trying to make up and you can't work anything out using your mind alone, you just get stuck in that analysis, paralysis where you're like, right, these are the pros and the cons. How can you write down loving relationship and compare that to something that you don't know? How can you put a value or a weight on love? You see, these pros and cons list, they just send people into more confusion. The only way to know if a relationship can work if you want to see if it can work is to take action and if you're really unsure, you really don't know, then what can help is connecting your heart, your gut and your mind because all three need to be working together to enable you to make sound decisions for you and when you're just trying to write down these lists or you're just going away to think and think and think, you're not going to get the real answer because it's just all coming from the head which is normally a lot of fear and anxiety and though self-esteem, as I've mentioned, which is natural after effect of being cheated on, I also recommend that you don't make any emotional decisions for at least three months. As your mind, your heart and your gut will likely be just going back and forth, you'll be confused between which one's speaking to you and so the best gift you can give yourself is to take the pressure off needing to know. You don't need to know now whether you're going to stay or leave if it's happened recently. You don't need to know, even if it's happened a while ago and you're still not sure, you don't need to know if you want to take action and get some help to find out, that's a great step, if you want to wait for time. Just don't wait for too long, sometimes people will wait six months, a year and when you're not fully engaged in a relationship, when you're sitting on the fence, you'll become an observer of your relationship and so again you're not really going to feel or know whether a relationship is going to work because you're not putting your heart into it, you're not taking actions, you're not feeling it because you're not allowing yourself to feel it because you're sat as an observer, you're sat on the fence, you're away from a relationship. So going away to think about a relationship isn't a good strategy to know what's right for you, Ben was one of those people who unfortunately who left it a long time, he was absolutely devastated when he found out that his partner Alex had been unfaithful. Instead of confronting Alex or seeking support, Ben withdrew completely, he stopped talking to Alex, avoided friends and family and isolated himself in his room for weeks, playing video games and just watching TV. Ben's isolation led to depression, he stopped eating properly, lost a significant amount of weight and his work performance suffered, his friends and family became increasingly worried but felt helpless as Ben refused to open up. It was only when Alex gave Ben an ultimatum to get help that he agreed that he wasn't coping. Ben's hurt was linked to previous trauma and betrayal that he had experienced much earlier and through the right help and steps, Ben was able to get back to an either better version of himself, he doesn't know if his relationship with Alex is going to last long term but he's willing to put in the effort to engage and see. Most importantly he feels optimistic about himself and his future either way, he feels good in himself, he cleared that betrayal and trauma that happened before this and so he was getting a lot more enjoyment and fulfilment out of life and this had a great impact on their relationship. Healthy communication is also a really good way to release emotions, expressing your feelings constructively to help you and reaction five is getting stuck in your past or your emotions. You might find yourself constantly reliving the moment of discovery or the time period of the infidelity or feeling stuck in your response, your emotions to it and able to move beyond the initial shock or pain and this can manifest in ongoing anger, sadness, resentment or self pity. Being stuck in the past events prevents you from living fully in the present and planning for the future, it keeps your emotional wounds fresh and inhibits your ability to experience joy and fulfilment. Letting go of the past is essential for healing and building a future that is not defined by this betrayal, yet it can be so hard to do, it's so easy to say, let go isn't it? Yes, it's so hard in reality and often people worry that if they let go then it might be more likely to happen again, if they don't remind their partner of what they've done, remind themselves of what's happened to them, perhaps they won't be as protected if they stop thinking about it. We can sometimes feel that if we hold onto the resentment, if we hold on it's going to protect us from not having those experiences in the future, which is not true, it's no protection and holding onto the past, reminding ourselves of what's happened to us, reminding ourselves of what our partner did just brings us so down. Often it's an unconscious choice though for most people, they really want to let it go, they know that it makes sense to let it go, they're aware that they're not letting it go, they know that they're going to be happier if they let it go, but their mind doesn't help them and that's because they get stuck in the same negative thought loops, the same way of thinking each day it's on repeat and they go round and round and the same energy, the same thoughts had a lady that came to me to do my breakthrough program to clear this and she had been suffering for like two and a half years, she couldn't let it go, her mind couldn't let it go, she would go over things that her husband has said, things that he'd done and just replay everything and she could just send herself into a right negative spin for anything from 15 minutes to a few hours to a whole day, sometimes days when she allowed that she just was going indulging in those thoughts. Now whilst I can't do my breakthrough program with you obviously on this podcast episode now and help you change your specific thought patterns and get you out of that, what I can do is I can give some tips on how to release pent up emotions and some things that you can do practically, consciously, if we can't do the unconscious here, that being said, with my affair recovery pack there is an unconscious meditation, an unconscious changing meditation that can help you to calm, help you be more at peace and help you to focus on the present and the future, so that can help as well. Let me give you some tips to release some pent up emotions that you may be feeling. I know I've said this a lot throughout this podcast but there's a whole range of emotions that you're going to be having from fear, anger, sadness, hurt, regret, guilt, resentment, disappointment, pain and these feelings are all valid and normal responses to betrayal. However, holding onto these emotions for too long can cause you significant harm to your body and mind and what we're going to do now is I'm going to go through how the different emotions can impact you and what you can do to release them, allowing you to let go of the fear that you're going to be cheated on again, to feel more safe, to feel that you can trust again, that you can thrive, that you deserve love, whatever it is that you're that's that's obviously suffering with you, if everybody is, it's different. So fear, fear can lead to stress, weakening your immune system, it can also make people more susceptible to poor sleep and anxiety. So with the fears, it's important to confront your fears by talking about them, journaling your fears can also help clarify and alleviate them and working through them, writing down okay, what's the worst that can happen or what's my worst fears and then saying, right, okay, if that happened, how would I deal with it? That can be a really good exercise. Anger, of course we want to get rid of anger because it affects our heart rate, affects our blood pressure and it can lead to ulcers and stomach problems as well. So to release anger, I highly recommend the best way for me personally is physical activity. Sometimes I will jump up and down and do jumping jacks just to get that energy out of me. Sometimes I will punch a pillow, scream into a pillow, just go, ah, let it out. People find boxing really helpful, swimming really helpful, just something that engages your whole body, rowing machines also, something that does your, engages your whole body and if you put an intention with it like, right, I'm just letting it go, I'm letting the anger out, do that for like 10 minutes, five minutes and you can often feel better, just really just getting out physically, moving the energy basically. If you keep anger in, if you repress it, it can burn inside you, you can have like a heavy chest to heavy heart and also sadness and hurt can lead to that heavy chest, heavy heart, you can feel it, you can feel the heart broken, you can feel the heaviness around your heart and long-term sadness can lead to depression, so we want to get rid of that. Also, we want to release it, we want to change it, you know, give that attention, give yourself that love and attention, allow yourself to cry, that's a great way to release, expressing the sadness is great and if you've got that heaviness in your chest, what I do is I just put my hands there and I breathe into it and I imagine like my hands, giving that area love, this may sound a bit weird, but it really helps me and it helps a lot of my clients to try as well, just give that area some love if you can and then just ask it, you know, what is it feeling, does it have any message, does it have anything it wants to tell you or if it could talk, what would it say and then you can just journal or you can share that with someone or just be aware of it yourself, I do believe that our body gives us signals, has messages for us and we can learn from them and then there's regret and guilt, regret is repeated resentment, repeated anger against yourself, you're telling yourself if only I'd done this, if only I did that or I should have done this or I should have done that and that's really painful because what you're really saying to yourself is, you're bad, you're wrong, you didn't do this right, you didn't do that right, you're just criticising yourself which leads to even more low self esteem and your self esteem has already suffered enough so that's just going to make you feel worse and then there's guilt, to blame yourself these emotions can cause chronic stress and anxiety so to help you release them, the most important thing out of everything that I've shared today is to have that self love and self compassion, to be kind to yourself, I like to say to people, especially at the beginning, treat yourself like you've got the flu, like you've got Covid, like really look after yourself, take time off, slow down, like a really bad flu, you know, you wouldn't expect yourself to work hard, you wouldn't expect yourself to be the best if you've got children with your children or with your other family members, you'd say no to some things I can't because I'm not well and so this is what you need to do, really be kind to yourself, really be loving to yourself and always remind yourself that you're not responsible for your partner's actions, it's their choice to cheat, that's not in your control, their decision making process, whether it was conscious or unconscious, is not in your control, some people find it helpful to write letters of forgiveness to themselves, they find that that's healing, saying okay it's not my fault and also reminding yourself that okay this isn't my fault, however it is my responsibility to help myself and therefore I'm going to help myself and then write a lovely list, long list of the things that you can do to help yourself, what can you do to put a smile on your face each day, how can you learn from this, how can you grow from this, what can you learn about yourself from this, what can you learn about your partner from this, how can you make your relationship stronger if you decide to stay or how can you get some relationship tools and tips for your future relationships, then there's the emotion of resentment, so harbouring resentment can lead to bitterness and an inability to trust others, it can also cause chronic stress and tension, hyper tension, some people have like a really like neck ache and muscle ache and jaw ache and shoulder ache because they're just carrying that like stress and anger because resentment is a mild form of anger, so to release this you can do mindfulness, meditation relaxation, breathing exercises, as I mentioned earlier like in my affair recovery pack there's a guided meditation there to help people feel calm and confident, there's millions of other meditations out there that you can try and lots of different apps most of them are free so find something that you like, it doesn't have to be for a long time if you feel like I've got ADHD so my head goes all over the place so I definitely need to have a guided meditation and for me unless it's a hypnotherapy track I can't do more than sort of ten minutes, five ten minutes, if it's a hypnotherapy one or a deep one then I can be out for a long time or I can listen to them when I go to sleep and then I'm more in that relax mode so just giving it a go, if it works for you great, if it doesn't then sometimes you can do walking meditations just going for a walk in nature, something else that's just relaxing and then there's the emotion of disappointment and persistent disappointment really can erode your outlook on life when you just feel disappointed it can lead to feelings of helplessness which then can lead to depression because depression is really not being able to see a way out you've got these problems but you can't see how you can get past them and that's when if you're starting to feel depressed it's really important to reach out, to find some solutions, to create a plan to get you out of where you are, that's why sometimes when people start doing a relationship program or doing something in their relationship even if it's just an agreement between you and your partner and what you're going to do, a plan can make people get out of that disappointment, can give hope and free themselves from depression so I'd say focus on setting yourself some new goals, find new sources of joy, engage in activities that you love, surround yourself with important people, see that there's more than just the affair that's happened, there's more than just your relationship so that you can move past the disappointment. So I want to thank you for joining me today, understanding these common reactions to infidelity, I hope can really help you if you're falling into some of these self-defeating patterns, healing from infidelity is complex, please be kind and gentle with yourself, it requires self-compassion, actions and often external support and it's important to address these reactions and work towards health-acoping mechanisms if you recognise these. I hope that you found some of this useful today, if you did I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review, whether you're listening, whether that's Apple podcast or YouTube or Spotify or some other podcast platforms, reviews really are the best way to support the show so I'd be really grateful for that. Until next time, take amazing care of yourself and each other. Dear listeners, today I celebrate you, you're a male of few who actively nurture their love journey, it's an act of courage, an act of self-love and if today's episode resonated with you, be a beacon for others, subscribe, rate and review. Let's break this love and wisdom far and wide. Creating more? Discover the free resources at nikalabir.com. You can also find the links to helpful gifts in the show notes. Do also join our relationship and wellness Facebook group. It's a haven where we uplift, support and journey together towards richer, deeper love stories. Remember, you have the power to craft the love story you deserve. Thank you for being with me today and until next time, keep shining and loving with all your heart. (gentle music) You