Finding peace week 3! <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 45: The Shit Show (Anonymously Unavailable with Jane Doe - Finding Peace Week 3)
I don't know how to get back down, so that's when my rebels like we don't have to be No, I don't want to talk to you or anything either. I mean I Hate you right now, but I definitely Shit bro, that just got me in the neglect what the fuck you know, okay narrative confirmed check the fuck I Care, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna bend your every motherfucking will. That's why I don't like to feel she had today I feel betrayed. Okay, that was stupid. All right moving on You Welcome to emotionally unavailable the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional Reliability and intimacy. I'm your host Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape this podcast is here to inspire Empower and entertain so get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together Hello everyone Welcome back to anonymously unavailable with Jane Doe We are in week three. Yes week three of finding peace and We discussed kind of just our core feelings and core beliefs and I thought it was a really good discussion I hope that you all are doing well, and just like putting out the things that you want to receive It is the beginning of a school year soon And it is a weird feeling to not be returning, but not a bad feeling that is for sure so I have a couple speaking gigs lined up that I'm very excited about and Getting more so Just putting it out there But I hope you guys are all doing well and thinking about everyone going through some shit and I hope you enjoy this episode I'm too too too to be cold in the summer. I don't know man. Oh, no At all times I need to be comfortable I'll give a fuck with that costs. I have the same I just have these two things Over and over yeah, I started doing it and I was like, okay Well, I'm not really lovable, and I think I'm probably gonna end up alone Yeah Yeah, my core beliefs go well. I'm too much. I'm not enough at the same exact time I can never be like perfect enough for anyone and so I'm gonna even if I'm not physically alone. I will always be alone to deal with shit is how I feel and Yeah, it's really the same things that pop up over and over that are no longer a surprise because we started this work You know on this show Okay, so core emotions, okay, do you want to start with anger? So I skipped ahead to the core emotions and well I get to two and then I'm like wait three What and then I read just that tiny little sentence it said the first core emotion is peace or joy and I'm like what For who like how do you get that one because these other ones? I'm pretty good Like wow that really that really gives me that Thank you because that I have this space for peace and joy and it really just inserted itself right never okay No Peace and joy peace and joy who gets that off the bat shit Okay, so then do you feel like a good place to pick up in terms of conversation is like Around 93 94 and any of those now where we start kind of doing it So I remember all of this stuff and then I was trying to think okay Where do I feel it and when do I feel it? I will tell you that I noticed a pattern though So maybe I'm gonna be really easy to fix because my stuff's all just the same like even when I'm like when I'm angry When I'm afraid when I'm sad. It's literally all just the same thing and it's literally just that core wound again I'm like what that's crazy. I never would have put all this stuff together and I will tell you I wish I had known this so long ago You're like why wish I would have known this yes You know sometimes I can be really hard on myself about the things I didn't know in the past But the thing that's been helping me with how much I can really shit talk myself around that is More of that self-compassion, but also like you were supposed to unwrap this at this time and you know because my story is a part of my kid's story and every kid has a story and My children are not unique in that they have had a mother who doesn't know shit about shit in terms of how to deal with my own Shit now I do but I'll tell you I've known for I started this work about seven years ago And only now am I starting to feel well, that's not true I went through a pretty good few years of relative stability I just shit hit the fan and I and I didn't have the right tools You know because I hadn't gotten that far in the growth and I hadn't had a mental health crisis like that in a bajillion years So that was really foreign. It was almost like I didn't even know how to feel it because I have not been that depressed since I was a teenager So I was like hey Well, what do we do with this? Do with it. I don't really even know how to well, okay, so we can go through all of them How do you feel this whatever and is it acceptable to feel it's like no? Like I actually only want you to be happy and I feel like I'm also projected that onto my kids Which maybe that was a wrong thing to do, but it's like I don't I it triggers me Well, it triggers you not just when they're angry when especially with our kids This is what I've noticed the most the reason remember We talked about this you brought it up about the youngest a few weeks ago Like why when why when he or John Doe tell me like whatever why? It doesn't even have to be about me and I can feel criticized the same shit We were bitching about our men for not even realizing we were doing it as well Anyway, so it really is like I know this is a triggering statement for people Not for you or me because we're understanding this now But it really is I can't handle the fact that I fucking failed you in this moment Because I'm responsible for you and your feelings at all times because I gave birth to you And I have to make it worth your shit on earth Like knowing that we have you know fucked our kids up a little bit. You know like it's our deepest shame Yeah, anytime they say anything that hits that where we're like I wasn't perfect and I was supposed to be perfect and I'm not perfect in this moment I don't even know what the fuck to say to you to make you feel better That's on us and the only reason I recognize this is because I started to ask myself the question Why can some people not handle hearing any quote unquote negative, you know, if it's not the fucking bright side It's the wrong side and I'm like, you know, I tend to I tend to like the dark side of things So I'm a saver here. How about that? But I do think I like my very first reaction to all these I'm recording if you could keep it down just a little bit And that's all right. Um, they're like, you know, if it's fighting us, I might do work because that's what they do You know, my my initial reaction to trying to understand anger is that like I get that more often than not I'm not actually angry. I'm blocking what's happening and and they can say oh, it's a core You know, the anger's not the core emotion blah blah, but I didn't understand how that looked for me For me. It looks like I am lashing out at you so fucking hard with my mouth and my body hurts from how tense I am from it But when I go all right girl, there's something else here What is that? Let's breathe for a second and I can release the anger and go oh, I feel Neglected or I feel imperfect or I feel betrayed. I mean god fucking I hate my judge right now because For some reason the betrayal wound for me here is a lot of shame that I even feel that Because people my entire life anytime I've tried to express it and green And I probably made it about them and not me because I didn't know what the feeling was I just knew it was weird and icky and embarrassing I really I've always felt embarrassed to be like you chose them over me, you know Um, that's a big one for me not feeling like you choose to hear my side or take my side I know that silly but see I have a hard time even saying it out loud because of how much shame I carry with even Feeling it let alone expressing it, but that's because I've been surrounded by people who said well, that's stupid And you know, you just shouldn't feel that way and I'm like, oh, okay. You probably right though I mean I'm pretty damn same but what because We can talk for 17 hours if we let ourselves was there one you've said that You felt like it kind of is all the same for you like each Leads back to the same wound. It leads back to the same wounds Let's let's touch on one touch on one that way the audience can hear kind of what we're doing here Okay, the other thing I would say too is that one of the things that he says in this book Is that anger is a feeling and losing your temper as a behavior? Right So when you know, I've had people tell me like the only emotion you have is anger Maybe I react to all the emotions with losing my temper Right, maybe it's not actually anger. It's not like how I process all of them Yes, like a few weeks. I was like girl. We're not angry people. Yeah, we're fucking wounded You know, we're not This is the only way we know how to deal with it because our royal has always kept us so fucking safe And our rebel both of them. They play together Our judge comes in just when we need it. Hey, you know, i'm gonna go ahead and remind you You're kind of a piece of shit and so uh, you probably shouldn't have thought that said that felt that any of that stuff and um You know, if you just want to go sit with your piece of shitness and right now that'll be okay Uh, I think that is such a fucking excellent distinction that people because I i'm so wounded in this area Because of all the shit my grandma had said about it But I mean even as a kid just tense at all times that I have Always related it to hormones because that's what my grandma did You know, she just assumed it was hormonal and shit some of it was let's not play But a lot of it is um or I don't have a fucking platform ever to be able to say I don't know why but that really hurts my feelings And I just want to like pause here again Especially as I was listening to my episode with jenny and just the last few you know I was editing my episode repeat that airs tomorrow like I I know how uncomfortable you and I both are with stuff like this But I am so grateful for you and like just Even texting you night before last sunday and whatever I was not at all upset that you rescheduled or anything and I felt like I had said that pretty well Before your response, you know, um, but my response to your response I was in a hurry and doing something so I was just like blah blah blah So I wasn't really careful with making sure you knew I wasn't upset with you or anything And I wanted to fix that but I was like, I can't I have to well I think part of me was putting A marble in your trust jar a little bit, but also I was like, I don't want to anticipate people's feelings So if she wants to know if I'm upset about this she has to ask because I'm not at all and I'm no longer gonna like Hey, just saying that you know, I do that so fucking much You have to like justify my existence in the world and I'm not I don't want to do that So I'm grateful for you because I you you you do Have so many trust marbles and especially like once I've started and I don't know what's healthy and what's not But like as I see the whole like I really do give the most of my shit to the people I'm closest to like You know, I've been triggered by you before and I've gotten snappy, you know, and the fact that We can really seriously just fucking move the fuck on from that and you know now Now it would require conversation because it would it would hurt me in a different way because I do have this Foundation with you um, but I would know like oh, this is my shit, but hey yo, buddy That really got me and I don't know why I'm sorry I mean I I'm not gonna apologize for not being able to be sweet and airy when I'm telling you I felt real let down I don't want to abuse the people that I'm the closest to I'm not saying that I should be able to but you know Sometimes if you're the closest and the safest person to me and that's the only place I feel safe to put it It's gonna happen Organically and I can't help it. So, you know feeling like I'm still worthy and deserving of love even though I fuck up is really nice So I just appreciate you so much. I said that way too long So what then what it really sounds to me? Okay. Well, let me just say this So this book this chapter is very much about how to experience each feeling which I do think we've already done Most of this, you know, because we had to learn how to even Understand or identify a feeling before we could experience it I think we're getting better at this some of the questions that the book asks growing up in my house the rules unspoken or otherwise My family had about fear because when a person feels fear It is best if they blank how acceptable is it to be afraid? How acceptable is it to show fear when in public how acceptable is it show fear in the privacy of your own home? So it really does just kind of get you down to those core beliefs of Your emotions and I would say for you and I both no emotion was ever acceptable to show Um, let's what were your distinctions between because even though we were never allowed to show anything Would you say that for you there was even more of an emphasis on in public? Oh for sure. Yeah, sure I mean we were told and I quote we were punk kids And like we didn't get to like no nobody cares what you think Nobody cares. So if you're gonna be a baby and go be a baby somewhere else Like man up if you're afraid You're a pussy like oh, you're scared. Like you're an idiot There's something we scared of go back to your room close the door, you know I'm scared grow up. Oh, you're mad like you don't get to be mad kids don't get to be mad I'd like so we experienced all of these big feelings that grown-ups had but we weren't Really allowed to do that and so you sort of like pulled inward and tried not to you know So you're trying to fix everybody else as the oldest kid I'm trying to fix everybody else. So like we don't all get in trouble And if anybody did anything then I also got in trouble for it because it was my job I was the girl right and so it's like, okay. So you're not only are you trying to manage your emotion, but like Everybody else's and nobody's allowed to have any Right. Yeah, I'm not and just looking at sadness and thinking about how I deal with sadness with my kids and How it was dealt with with me I can definitely see that most of my feelings were a trigger for her And she just did not it hit her in that space that said i'm not good enough You know like anytime I felt something i'm sure that's what she felt because she did I'm right out and turn it around and be like that's you know what i'm just gonna kill myself She said that a couple times When we were teenagers she did this thing that was very fucking traumatic and I don't know if i've told the story on here I've told a couple of friends. I'm sure I told you but uh this hurt me so fucking much But when we were teenagers, she was really struggling because you know teenagers and she was a bitch So, you know, we didn't feel comfortable. She didn't feel comfortable. Whatever Well, because the boys were driving her crazy She said to us Including me who was such a sweet little angel and it's oh it makes me so sad for me every time I think about this I'm so serious. She was like Okay, you're not grateful that I took you away from your parents who did this this this this this then I'll be drunk And this bitch went and bought a six pack. Okay, and she did not ever drink So she maybe even bought 12 it was a lot for like a 97 pound woman who doesn't drink. Okay, it's there gets Shit faced what I've learned about my grandma the two times I saw her drunk because she is a very angry drunk So it's probably where my grand my mom got it, but she was not nice because she lost her fucking mind and she Just sat there just shit faced on the couch just saying the meanest shit And it was so fucking traumatic. I was 15 years old and I was scared shitless because I was like I mean, are you gonna keep doing this like this is gonna be every day Like this has our life now for decisions that I didn't even make you know because you can't handle my brothers Specifically willy, but like are you fucking kidding me? And just the shit she was spouting was just about like, you know What pieces of shit we were and that we made her behave this way And that she's just gonna go ahead and use her She had a gun and we knew that and I think I think for good measures She went ahead and had it out too if I remember correctly Um, but I was just like cool. This is such a good place to be in right now that um You're saying all this stuff to us and we're kids and I remember thinking like I don't think this is right But like I also remember feeling very protective of her Like don't want anyone to know didn't want it to ruin my brothers Like I was trying to protect their relationship with her for her because I felt so indebted to her No wonder. I mean if we make a simple mistake, you know, she's just gonna go become an alcoholic She did shit like that a lot and just made it really obvious that we were very much responsible for her feelings And so that's why even when my kids like hurt me hurt me hurt me to the core like intentionally because they're mad And they say something real fucking mean I've never ever shared with them exactly how deep that hits because they are allowed to be humans, you know and and it's hard to Find that line of like especially now jake's not an adult yet rice and is but jake isn't and He's still learning shit and I would never want him as an adult to hurt Over the shit. He has said as a child. Not that he's really the one that says mean shit I mean he has It's more like just recently how mad he can get like he doesn't really say anything except for like you're not gonna do this Shit or whatever and I'm like I'm scared. You're a male who has a deep voice when you're angry And I don't want you to hit me. I will tell you until we had this conversation this very moment I never thought about it, but I 100 percent do that to my kids It makes me so sad when they're upset at me and I absolutely make it about me I don't think I'm really about it, but it I mean I for sure do that It feels like I don't know. It just makes me so nervous Everything takes me back to like you're gonna ditch me like you're gonna ditch me Even them they're all grown, you know, and I'm like oh just don't like Don't change your mind and like just ditch me like I just all in my heart feel that all the time So when they're mad at me or they're sad at me or like anything. I'm like, oh Right now like let's talk about it Because you're asking them to talk in an escalated place It just makes it so bad and I know that I do the same thing with john doe And he's like you have to just trust me and just give me a minute and I'm like, okay Well, when I give you a minute I'm ramped up and I'm gonna go to an 11 and that's fine. You go to sleep, but I'm not gonna sleep tonight I'm gonna sit here and think about all of the things we just talked about so like, okay It's fine. It can be your turn to have the thing, but it wrecks me Like I can't sit with other people's emotions Well, I think that if you Can I didn't know that though. Yeah, I think if you can pause and go what wound is this hitting What is my core belief around this wound? What's the truth? It can give you that assurance that you're needing because if you could if you could get better about when he Says, hey, I'm not leaving. I just need a minute because that's the reassurance He's supposed to offer and that's it if he's not ready to talk to about it That's okay in theory, but it's also not okay for you because you're left whatever But also know if you'd go ahead and gauge You're just saying every fucking thing that pops up in your brain. It's not It's not helpful. It's not useful. It does damage and that's what I keep Okay, I'm gonna try to explain this because I've been trying to think this through for the last three days I want to get to a place where I separate the trigger from the problem I want to deal with the trigger and understand that trigger doesn't really have anything to do with what we're actually talking about Because that's where my rebel will be like fuck him then blah blah blah, right? But that's about because I can't deal with the escalation So I'm like all ramped up and I don't know how to get back down So that's when my rebels like we don't have to be it, you know But but like what I've been thinking is I want to do the least amount of harm to myself and to the people I love in that moment And that's my driving force now. I want to do the least amount of harm to myself And to them I want us to walk away from this trigger Fairly unscathed because it's just a trigger. I don't have to Resolve a trigger. We have to resolve the actual issue But we can't even get to that if we're stuck in the middle of this thought spiral Bad behavior, you know, so it's about calming down to a place where we can be productive So you have to find a way to calm down to go to sleep rounding for us We need a very extensive cool box. That's what I'm learning That's why I continue to talk about visual reminders Because we have such a hard time when we're in the red. That's that we're running from a bear We're looking for safety. We're trying to escape a situation And this is something those boys of ours are never going to understand any of them our children are men Anything is that in that moment? We are flying To safety. We are running our asses off You'll see the physical signs of that on the app. I'm hot. I'm red I'm oftentimes sweaty. You can see my breathing is shallow and I'm like You know, I mean I am fucking inside of a trigger. So that's the part we have to address It's not whatever dumbass thing triggered us to be this way and that's where I've always I don't even know if I'm explaining this right But that's always been the confusing part for me when I was fighting for justice I'm like, it's not fair. The I'm the only one that way it's not fair that you're going to sleep And I'm just sitting here dying dying but That's happening because he's not triggered and I am because this is a wound of mine and they respond very differently when we trigger them Obviously and they are triggered all the time by us too. They just don't know how to say that You know what I mean? And they don't look short of breath and sweaty when they're fucking triggered You know, they're like you can tell with our men with Aquarius's boy If they get triggered, well, they're body letting you which imposter changes a little bit. I get a sigh Yeah, I mean, that's what that was exactly that That that's so funny because that's exactly what I was picturing is just like that You know that bravado You know, it all is just like you fucking bitch And then they're like, but I'm a stoic so I can control how I feel so i'm gonna model that for you Don't care. No, I don't want to talk to you or anything either. I mean I hate you right now, but I definitely don't know that you just You know what I mean And i'm like That's 100% a yeah Yeah, well, okay, honey. You just said over there then because it seems like you're upset But what do I know? I've been doing a lot. I'm sure you know better than me So we were with friends the other day Entirely came up and we had been playing by the like lake and she came up and she's like, yeah I found all these little seashells. I put them in blah blah blah Whatever she said in my mind. I was thinking you should probably go move those because but it up But I wasn't going to say that because I knew she was gonna argue and whatever and I was like, okay Well, that's cool. I'm sure you know better than I do about whether or not that's a good spot for them She walks off And he's like, is this is this how we parent now like i'm sure you know better and i'm like, well You know the alternative is a lot of arguing when I know i'm right and she knows she's right You know, like it doesn't matter and uh, you know if if she wanted to it could have triggered a little Maybe I should move those and if not then we'll just deal with the disappointment But I just thought it was better than being like instant criticized like that wasn't a good spot for them, you know So just kind of I said well, I really consider myself more of a shaman to these kids lately than like Because I don't I don't know shit about shit and i'm just really trying to dial in and Get the rest of this childhood thing done and uh, you know, they figure the rest out. I don't know I mean, I don't want to cause any more harm. I know that so For me, you know Anger's probably one of the only ones I don't like really experience in my chest It's more my back and shoulder hips even Um sadness. I definitely experienced through my chest most things I do loss in in Really examining these the last few days in my heart like loss and betrayal are ones that really hit me in my stomach Mm-hmm like i'll feel it there But I've I've had this new thought where I want to not be I don't want to absorb a trigger and like have that ripple effect like I just picture me in the center and then like a wave around me of One time that that trigger happened and then another wave of a time that trigger had put all memories popping up Not necessarily in my brain but in my body like I felt this way then I felt this way then I felt this way then And my brain is doing you're always going to be alone. You're all you know all that at the same time And it gets to where i'm just stuck in all of those ripples But what I would like to do is for a trigger to come in hit me and then bounce off Yeah, because I want to be able to say oh Shit bro. That just got me in the neglect. What what the fuck you know? Like I want to see that as an observer. This is what i've been trying to say But I feel like i'm actually starting to feel like that's possible now that there is a way to not let that trigger Take over and consume you but or to be consumed by it, but to just bounce it right back into the universe and be like oh shit Okay, that's an area. I didn't realize I had a wind in or I you know, but I think that my shame tells me I'm not allowed to have any feelings or express them because i'm stupid It's very embarrassing still to tell people that how I feel like I feel actual embarrassment even good shit telling you I'm so grateful for you That's hard for me. It's hard to be vulnerable in general. I think when you're afraid people are going to ditch you or flip you off Yeah, well, we've been this most your whole life. It's gonna be the other and but let's be real Let's stop right here and say that's a very rich. It's been confirmed Granted, that's because we've surrounded ourselves with the type of people who would do that so that we could confirm it and then stay really safe But can't tell you a lot of times that uh i've expressed a need a desire or a feeling even just recently saying it correctly Like hey, this isn't necessarily about you, but this is what this hit for me You can't help that I have this gaping wound that you hit but like you did and so My bad, but here it is not received. Well, I mean, you know It's why I had my meltdown sunday just so you know, I did that I did all the things you were supposed to do and I said here's my name And then I left to go for my walk and calm and whatever and when I came back nothing and I was like, oh Okay, so your expectation was about it. You cannot be bothered and then it was so ugly And it was just a meltdown just a terrible meltdown and it was like Just you know with him leaving You know and going back to school and just the way like it ended really well the last couple days We have really good conversations and so it's like, okay, and i'm going through this weird self actualization journey So everything is just on the surface. Yeah, you're very I was sad and I didn't really know how to be sad So I was trying to not be sad and it was like, okay, listen You're like the last thing I have and I need this for me And it was nothing it was like a two-minute thing and you literally couldn't be bothered to do it And I was so like I think maybe that's how you fill with the betrayal because I don't often ask for things Right, and when I do and I articulate why and then like you can't be bothered to do it. It is so hurtful It's like I gave you like you're fighting about this Thing it's not a thing and i'm like, but that's not really what we're no we're fighting because you betrayed me Yeah, like I feel so fucking betrayed and I think that the more comfortable We are with the fact that we do have feelings That we're going to get better at saying it and better I this is also a very consuming thought lately is that I sat here on this podcast and I said I'm not always going to respond correctly when you tell me how I made you feel But i'm asking for grace because i'm not going to i'm not going to tell you how I feel perfectly And i'm not going to receive how you feel perfectly And I think some of the grace because even in the instances Where I was like, okay narrative confirmed check Recently when I expressed my feelings and I didn't get the reaction that I had hoped for or whatever Afterwards, I was like, well, you can't really judge the very initial response because You are attacking whether that's your intention or not. I mean, you know, so i'm like, okay But I also wonder this is literally just a thought so I don't want you to feel like i'm saying anything about your response But i'm just wondering should that exist should that grace extend to that type of stuff too where These people aren't familiar with us expressing feelings. They also don't know what the fuck to do with us Like did they like it? They like it better than what we were doing But they don't fucking get it and they don't we don't get how important things are like I don't understand the way They don't they don't even know this language. So when i'm like like I feel stupid because i'll be like You know, I know that you don't know shit about winning But i'm gonna go ahead and say this hit my neglect food, my betrayal win, my whatever You know, because that's the only thing I know how to do that to make it about me and not you Right, you know, this is my shit Right, make it hit my shit and that's okay But like I need you to know not to do that again because my shit is gonna come back real shitty So like you don't want all that but yeah, I think oh it's so much easier because like even i'm Oh, my chest hurts picturing you in that situation So I want you to hear me say I fucking get it and I know how betrayed you felt and fucking neglected because you you expressed a need and you were dismissed it hit your neglect wound because What it confirmed to you is I will always be alone to deal with shit Just like it's confirmed to me every day, but like I told my boys the other day Hey, uh, because I'd had a conversation about our family management system, you know and During my exploration of all that I was like, oh I always thought this was just about i'm overwhelmed But when I stopped to hear what the thoughts were it was another thing you're fucking up Another thing you're fucking up another thing you're over and over like on a fucking loud speaker Like a little what's that thing? Well, you know, were you yelling to it rah rah? Felt like someone right there. It's been like another thing you're fucking a you know Something as small as jake walking in and going hey mom, um Have you had a chance to look at such and such and he's scared to ask me because he knows that i'm going to freak the fuck out You know and that's where the tension's been because he doesn't want to hurt me and he's very susceptible to my emotions and energy So it's tense, you know, but it had the last few days have been really good And uh, I made a take talk about this last night, but I finally finally finally finally fucking called His surgeon and I've been stressed because you know, Steven switched jobs And we had a lot laps and insurance whatever and I was really stressed about that. I also have no money none So that's pretty scary Uh, so I didn't want to deal with any of the you need to have the hardware removed from your arm Shit because it was too fucking much and I was like I failed my kid miserably and there's also a part of me That's like is it fair that I can't afford to pay for surgery Because I'm pursuing a dream, you know, like am I selfish like, you know that kind of stuff And I'm not really like I refuse to acknowledge that too much because fuck them a little bit You know, like yeah, I I deserve this So, you know, everyone can sacrifice because these kids have had more than what they need for a lot of years So whatever but the point is I called it took less than five minutes I gave them the insurance information. She's like, oh, yeah, like they have surgery. They'll just be like, all right You want a payment plan? Cool. Here you go and you can just pay every month and I was like Wow, I really avoided this for a lot like it was one of those things that was just stuck on a list That I was just praying another member of my family would deal with like I I at one time asked Jake to do it I couldn't fucking deal with it man And then I was like you can't ask the baby to do it, honey Like he's got a lot in his brain right now. He can't do it And so I did it and it's they're supposed to call me anytime now to give me Um a couple of different times and date options and we're getting it done because I was like I have to do it now So that he's all healed for wrestling season because he's gonna wrestle for the high school again this year And so I was like well, let's see you got to do it And yesterday was one of those days where I decided actually usually on monday I wake up early and I start like on some work But like I don't really like to do you you know I try to get that shit out of the way and then I was I've started to look at monday's differently Like I've always been like this about the gym like people who say never miss a monday I'm like no I don't want to start myself out on the week over extent monday's are rough you're tired You didn't get as much sleep because your sleep schedule's off like all this I want to start my week balanced So I kind of went with that yesterday and was like i'm gonna be chill And that allowed me the space to do the shit I need you because you know what though It never slows down if you don't slow it down There's always an abundance of shit to do and that's what i've noticed i'm like nope You have to carve out the time I went on a little walk yesterday that helped and Just trying to do little things that chill me out a little bit and kind of like keep me grounded But I told them hey, it's not about you, dude It's actually just my shame telling me i'm failing you which is a real big deal to me So you don't that's not about you. You're not annoying me. You're not irritating me You're not stressing me out It's just hitting some shame that i'm dealing with and that's not your fault So I think they were able to hope you know who knows what if they even read that message so actually You know, I have boys and they're real ADHD. So what you know what they take in. You just never know You just never fucking know that is so true. It's so true. Well, I will tell you even though it's weird and hard to You know, I one of the things jenny said was like when you have surgery and you would like or you like scraped yourself You have to clean it out and the comfortable What is this that is the perfect analogy because it does suck but you have to do it to make it feel properly And so even though I don't super enjoy this I do like the inside And it does change Like I will tell you see you were talking about I imagine me as like a superhero Like on one of those shows and Like somebody does something and i'm like can't be triggered by it. Like whoa, here's my that bothered me And i've done that a couple times in the last couple weeks And john doe is apologize like, oh, you know, I know that's a big deal for you I'm sorry. That's not how I intended it like, okay. We'll just make sure like because here's what I heard you say Okay, you know Yeah, I had the meltdown. He was like, i'm not leaving Because I love you, but i'm gonna go in this room and close the door and I don't want you to follow me Yeah, and you're like, it's like, okay. Okay. Okay. So like and I stay and did not follow him It's so hard. It's so hard. I wanted to just go in there and like because again Seeing as you like this is there's an injustice has occurred Upon me And I feel so misunderstood and I want to make you understand why i'm right Well, that's what I was gonna say too about like The reason that we this is something I just thought so maybe i'm wrong But I feel like the reason that we go okay So i'm going to lay it out beautifully and that's all it's going to take to get what I want Because we're still fucking controlled freaks. So we're we're expecting That we're going to do this and then you are going to do this because that's what you should do Right. And so then when they don't we're like the fuck Like what's happening? You do not have the right Who make your own decision? How could you not care about my feelings? And it really does feel that way so much like how can you not care after you not care? And they're like I care, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna bend your every motherfucking will be it. Yeah, you know I love that And I need that So I don't necessarily want it and I will tell you a little bit He's like you and where if I point things out, he feels like everything is a criticism And telling him he's not good enough. So if I'm like, oh, I want to go take a trip to whatever, whatever He hears that costs a whole bunch of money. Like can I afford that? Like I'm laying down If I say oh, look at this house. It's amazing He hears like I should be able to buy for this house and I'm trying to afford that and it makes me feel bad And I'm like, I didn't say any of I I don't even need you to buy me a house Like I can buy my own house. Where are you talking about 1942? Like why are you you know, and he's like, listen, you can tell me all day long that I shouldn't feel that way But it's how I feel and it feels like And telling me I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough like what? And so Part of it too is like I hear him saying that but I don't necessarily get it But then when I hear you say stuff, this sounds too so careful, but like well, I'm saying it in a more intelligent way Sense. Yeah, that's because I have a level of emotional intelligence that he doesn't have and we're speaking the same language You know, so like I know what to say to you and I know you know what to say to me Because we're speaking this common language, which is why I think vocabulary is important. But um, yeah I am dismissive So mean, but I'm like, well, you shouldn't feel that way. There's a judge. Yeah. I'm like, oh no Well, but you are dismissive For the same fucking reason you're doing the exact same thing You're just not identifying that what the words in your brain are yet and I had to dig down That was my the very first time I thought Okay, if all behaviors about me and I hate When charlie's crying like hate it. I mean it is the trigger of all triggers any kind of whining noise or crying I'm like why but really when anybody's like crying crying. I'm like very stony about it because I Feel powerless. Oh, I can't fix it and I don't know how to sit In someone else's feelings. Well, I do but I have to be intentional So now that I know that when that feeling starts to come up that whole blocking now. I'm tense. I'm bitchy I'm whatever. I'm dismissive. It's because there is a shadow there telling me That they don't have the right to feel the way they do Because that protects me from feeling like I'm failing them in some way and it's for me I don't well right now. I am struggling a little, you know Like I had to ask or I had to have Jake asks his dad for help with school clothes and even with that we're like having to shop at goodwill because I don't have any money and I I don't like asking brian for stuff. I have to but I don't want to and I kind of am tired of everyone being like well brian can do it But like brian's not a fucking wealth of money like his income is not keeping up with inflation very well I'll tell you that and he's literally paying for everything besides My student loan my car payment my credit cards like he You know because I've always paid for like a lot of the kids stuff because that's where I liked You know to spend my money or whatever. So I can't really like ask for that shit You know, I don't like to ask him for money and I have a hard time This is a lot of my wounding is around self-worth related to money and You know needing to fill a hole with things and whatever so much of my Spending was about self-sabotage or even just dopamine seeking. I'm bored and I don't know what to do So I'm like scrolling through team or whatever I don't do any next I'll have any money So but it's been hard because I don't want to ask him for shit But I have to because my account gets too low and then I'm like, I'm sorry I need money because I have all these automatic things that come out and I'll track them and whatever and um Of course I'm so triggered. It's just too much to look at right now man because I don't have any money So what are you gonna do? You know, he he is helping whenever like I was like, can we go by Charlie stuff? I don't mind asking him for Charlie stuff, but I do like he's I like there's got to be a breaking point where I can ask for too much You know and I always every time I ask I feel like that's gonna be the breaking point Like you're not independent enough You know, like I carry so much shame over the fact that I'm not financially independent like that I am reliant on my partner for money and I hate that from societal programming, but I mean Also, it's made me feel stuck at a lot of times, you know, like oh, all you have to stay married because you're reliant upon your partner for income I want to be married because that's the choice I'm making not because I feel like I have to you know And I mean in this very moment in most moments I don't feel like I have to but in those moments I feel very powerless because I can't just Pay my own way, you know, so anyway, I don't even do well when I'm stuck like it makes me behave badly That's what Most of my crazy shit happens in the moments of powerlessness And that's why I'm trying to separate the trigger from the actual problem right now. I'm triggered So that's the behavior. I need to control where I'm going to discuss what triggered it until I am grounded so I'm trying to build my toolbox for that like how to Come back down and you know, like I don't know how far you got in the episode But jenny's like you can call a friend or whatever and get to like a five and then a five Maybe you're able to say it to him, you know Work through it, but I'm like well Jenny, you know, I don't think you understand how often I'm in the red bank That would be a full-time job for any of my friends if I was just like, can you calm me down? Can you imagine how often I'd be like, yo, can you help me come so upset? That's why you got that dog You understand that I have actually done that before I'm like, well pet Here be come here Just let me pet you a little bit. Let me hold you and you know, your little dog doesn't love it Too bad. That's why you exist dog You're for me. This is probably why I'm spending all the time fantasizing about having a lap Because it's gonna. It's gonna. Love me so much. It's gonna be a constant What is wrong with me? I don't know man. I don't like being all feely but at the same time me and the shit goes away so much faster Like when I can just be like, oh, it hit this I feel this release and move on instead of Attacking and yes, we're I think about old me who would get into that and be in that for like days Oh, I'm willing to talk about it and just be snippy and quiet. I'm not saying anything like, okay Okay, this is a thing we do and he was like, okay. I know you're upset. Why are you upset? I don't want to talk about it. I'm not upset like I can tell you Yeah Mm-hmm. Nope Okay Walk on eggshells for a couple days and maybe you're gonna yell every now and again And then you're gonna tell me that somehow I have committed some trust pass against your heart Like could you just tell me what it is? Like I hate saying it out loud Because it's embarrassing right awful I mean, it literally took me years to be able to say like you hurt my feelings when you did this like huh That's what we've been waiting to fight about. This is it like uh-huh. Yeah I know it seems silly, but Just missing myself the whole time I was saying it, you know, like I mean, I know it's stupid But I was a little and I'm dumb but a little and then I've too much and a little but you know, I mean, that's how I felt. So anyway, it's over now Really sorry for the way I acted. It didn't make any time. Every time. It was happening to me too. I'm really sorry I didn't mean you scream at you like that, but Oh, I mean damn the rage the psycho Oh, it's huge and oh the hangover after, you know for days where you're like, that's why I don't like to feel shit. Cuz Yes But what I've learned is It's not the feeling that gets me there. It's the fucking lack of feeling It's the thinking that gets me there. So I'm like get out of your head getting your heart. What is it? What is it? And I'm like, oh, I feel betrayed. Okay, that was stupid. All right moving on I hope To feel less shame around my betrayal wound to be able to say it because it does pop up so much like I can't tell you how many times I've been like but You you didn't choose me like you chose them and you took their side and I don't get it And I didn't understand why it hurt me so bad I mean, I've said it so many times like you took their opinion over mine or you know Oh god one thing was when brian was first getting into like personal development and listening to a lot of the self-help shit It'd be shit. I said but he like would poo-poo away And then come to me with something that some dude had said and it was just magic and I was like I fucking said what the fuck You know like oh so upset so upset, but I'm like oh Because brian's in a space to hear when he's listening to a podcast I don't give a fuck what you're doing if I thought that I have needs to be expressed I'm just gonna be bop in there. Oh, you're right in the middle of a real Intense session of trying to find a lost whatever in your quick books. Let me tell you something I thought that I'm having I'm gonna go ahead and just get it all out. Let you know You know that I was thinking about something real on inconsequential to what you're doing with your stress right now But it's important to me. So I'm just gonna get it all out Well, I'm so surprised that he was not as receptive to this. Thanks I mean when you say it like that That's so funny Well, you know bryson's a jim and i rising and both my boys are water signs But bryson's a jim and i rising jake is a leo rising So he's fiery like me, right? But bryson's never had a thought he didn't express at some point like you know like he he doesn't do that secretive scorpio thing the way a lot of them do because of his jim and i rising he's like talky talky Spouting shit, you know, whatever and i'm like, I don't get what? Oh, he's just so emotional, but then here's jake over here holding everything in He's impulsive as fuck, but he doesn't tell you what he's thinking or feeling unless you're like really direct And he's in a mood to answer, you know So I didn't know he was so emotional because he didn't express it like until I found him crying alone one day and was like Well, that's so Oh my god. He has all this feeling that he just holds in at all times Yeah, ever so he's like just to cry it out kind of guy, but I was like Oh, I mean he was little. I think this was oh, I had heard his feelings real bad I was like the worst thing I'd ever said to him is the only time I've ever really been mean to him his whole life But he really just fucked up that day and that was that and I was an asshole and he cried really hard But he didn't do shit in front of me. He was very stony, you know very Fuck you bitch, you know what? I mean like you could that was his body language was like fuck you and he's like seven years old but like Then I I went to apologize and found him crying and was like You I don't like the way that feels So yeah, so much of my shit is about not being able to accept like I was telling you about my brothers You know like yes, this logical me I've worked a long time to build those boundaries healthy, you know to not rescue to not whatever But ultimately this baby inside of me feels responsible for her brothers So I'm ashamed that I can't take care of them and I'm ashamed that I my kids cry regardless like Even with a therapist mother They cry and they have situations that I can't fix and I don't know how to handle that like this version does But this person inside of me who feels responsible for everyone around me at all times And I'm sure just battling some of the narratives that I grew up with You know, I'm sure somewhere I feel Like again like they're an extension of me now I've quieted my politician really well since jennies taught me about that but it was it used to very much be like Oh my god, people are gonna know, you know, like Bryson Going through stuff. I just always have cared way too much about that shit I think we were taught to care about that and I think I tried to press that on my kids and Having a conversation with the littlest a couple days ago. Oh my gosh. I'm so tired Um, I was telling him like does that embarrass you and he was like why would it embarrass me? And I'm like I don't know it embarrasses me and he was like right, but that's not about me And I was like, oh, oh Okay, I mean you're right How are you so mature, you know, and he was like no and so he I called him this morning We were talking for a bit. I said, you know, I just want to revisit the other day We were talking about whatever whatever and he was like, yeah I was like, I'd like I love that for you like good for you But also like are you sure like because I took a lot of care to not do whatever whatever and he was like, what's not a little kid Stuff like now that I'm older and I'm you know can look at it like Subjectively like no you did the right thing whatever and you feel shame for that But I I don't and I don't think you did anything wrong And so you feel that but we don't feel like that and nobody's mad at you about it. Okay That's so interesting to me. I don't know Anyway Yeah, how like those things, you know, like there's still stuff that I do that I'm learning today You know, and then there's other stuff like okay. No, I did that one right. That's good. That's good Like we're figuring it out like because ultimately that's all we want to do is just break those So that they don't do that. We just we do the work. They need the cycle now Yeah, we just want to all we're trying to do and so it doesn't have to be perfect And so I think part of that too that was modeling Letting go of some of that shame Absolutely Gonna try to figure it out Well, I think all it's going to take is in the moments where any Uncomfortable feeling pops up that you actually stop and listen to what the narrative is And any if I mean god, it's so much easier said than done, but Anytime I don't know how much I'll be able to do in like an actual level 10 red situation Um, I haven't been in that since I've started thinking all this thank god So I haven't really had to utilize it, which is amazing I've gone like four or five days without that and that's great But um, I think as much as I can be an observer of my thoughts and feelings that's what my goal is because Man, if I can just understand in that moment like okay, you're just having a reaction Let's like like I don't need to get it to attend to justify the reaction I think and I think that's what I meant by is some of this manufactured Am I allowing myself and motivating myself to get even more escalated and dysregulated to justify Because I'm fighting for justice in that moment. I want you to fucking understand what the fuck I'm saying I also want you to understand you can't fucking keep doing this But none of that is being received and it's all lost in translation because I don't even understand what the fuck I'm doing in that moment So I think well, I think it's good that in Moments like this in the after when things are calm I've you know been able to come back and be like yo learned a thing and When I'm like that. This is a thought that I'm having so just knowing that there may be a way like Reassurance or you know, I thought him saying like you're not running from a bear would be helpful Um, you know, well, not that he's even tried it. I think he's really scared when I'm just regulated because he's like, oh my god Uh, I'm scared. I'm I say off so I can imagine that but I don't I'm trying to figure out how best To educate the people around me on what's happening so that they can respond differently too because is The more everyone around me understands. It's not fucking about you In that moment. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to anything you I want to protect myself That's all that's all i'm doing is protecting myself And it's not about you and if we could just chill the fuck out and let it pass for a minute Instead of responding or whatever because I know i'm trying to do that more like with Bryson being here, you know He's he does get very emotional and it bubbles up very quickly and he doesn't mean to say mean shit and whatever Sometimes but he does and I just am hearing that from a place that in this moment He's feeling this why I've always had such a hard time with it is because it just went straight back to that Well, you're a fucking failure. I mean you failed everything about parenting. That's why he feels that way, you know And that's not true. Uh, even he is saying now like, I mean you weren't the worst mom like You were really hard on yourself Like you did some mean shit, but like not like you think you have really made yourself out to be a bigger monster Than you actually are and i'm like, I mean, that's nice to hear but boy, I I don't know that that's charlie's experience though I mean she's had she's had the very fucking worst of me her whole life the Like the worst of the worst has come out of me I'm sure that it's related to postpartum depression and you know, whatever, but it is what it is So, I mean it's nice to hear though that like even that can be misperceived, you know, because I definitely paint myself But I think some of that I do paint myself even uglier than what I actually think sometimes just to make it clear I don't justify any of the shit i've done. It's not their fault They're fucking people who didn't ask to be put on this earth. I put them here So yes, I take a heavy responsibility for that and they have none. They have none They have no responsibility in my feelings now and in adult relationship I I get to dictate how I allow others to treat me and whatever and i'm trying so hard to put the boundaries up And I've just noticed so much like I really do have a very hard time placing boundaries with them because I don't want to hurt them But like, you know when Bryson's needing attention from me even though he's 21 He needs that but I don't have that to give all the time So like I have to place the boundaries, but it hurts me to do it and I didn't realize how much I don't like to make decisions If he's involved because I don't want to make the wrong one and hurt his feelings or you know Like deciding to go to our friend's house the other day I really wanted everyone to go because I knew that they were gonna have a really good time because That couple they've got all this, you know, they live on a lake They have all this fun shit, you know, like I knew it was going to be so good for all of us I was like seeking joy for myself, but also then but I knew that his Bryson didn't go He was going to be sad that he was home alone So I was like kind of doing a soft sell like I you know, if you're just not feeling very peopley today There's a way to be very separate from us like you can be in the water you can do this And I had seen that they handled that pretty well They don't need you to entertain them or you know the couple because they had people there the last time we were there And I was like, oh, I like this I don't feel like I have to be engaged in conversation with them the whole time I can actually like talk to my family, you know, it's hard for me social stuff It's so hard for me because I didn't have it modeled and because I have a lot of worthiness issues So I'm pretty much walking around like assuming that I'm going to be the weird one in the social situation, you know And then I make it weird. I'll be saying weird shit And I'm like, well, that's That's not what I mean. I'm sorry But we did all go and whatever but I I was like so stressed because I was like, I'm going Because this is what I want to do and I'm going to hold a lot of resentment to him if I don't go Because he doesn't want to go but in my soft sell work We all went everybody said they were very glad they went and I was glad but I've been doing stuff to like try to just Have more joy around us, you know, like we need I'm suing that as much as anything else and rest. I'm pursuing rest actively I've proven to myself I can do do do do all day. It's not making me a damn fucking dime So what's the fucking point? I'm gonna the whole point in living this type of lifestyle is To have a balance family and to only be doing work that is passion Driven. So I've just been like, yeah, no doing all the things isn't doing me a whole lot of good and sitting in the chair From 6 a.m. to 4 p.m. My biggest feeling, you know, like I don't it's not good for me So I'm like fuck all that. I'm I'm gonna really narrow my focus and only do this and I don't know It's scary, but whatever Listen, I think we just had this conversation the other day I think you have to figure out the things that make you happy And so, you know part of that is I like having a house So like there's some amount of like work. I have to do I get it. I don't want to So, but I set a hard boundary with the kids the other day I was like, okay I've got four more years that I'm willing to help you with school So get all the school you can done because I'm done in four years Like I want to pivot and do things that only I want to do and I haven't gotten to do that And I feel like I've been the exact mom that I want want to have for me And that's all I can do So Please enjoy the next four years and then don't bother me and I'll call you when it's time for you to come take care of me Basically, like I'm not going to support you Well, I'm like real heavy on the these are the types of support I'm willing to give It's yeah It's hard though because they're so used to coming to me for everything and I'm like And I have no money. So I don't know what to tell you about that And they are I feel like a little resentful I mean Bryson said that one day like well, you're the one who keeps saying you don't have a job And I'm like, well, um, I was proud of myself because that made me very angry But my response was you're right, but that's because the things I'm doing aren't earning an income yet But that is I mean, I'm not doing anything Yeah That felt that felt good But good for you for standing up for yourself in a way that wasn't ugly Yeah, because I was just like well I mean, that's about you like and that's the thing is that he says shit that in the moment He means but he doesn't ultimately and he feels guilty. So I'm like, well I could just relieve that guilt a little bit by being like that was a bitch ass thing to say but fair You know like you're feeling abandoned because I can't help you. So that's fair. Okay. I wish that you could do a little more of the work I'm doing but that's okay. You do you do? Oh, okay. I gotta go. Jake. He has a hair cut appointment. All right Okay. Well, if you have a great rest of your day, I'm excited. I'm about to go get some sunshine in my life I haven't been outdoors today. So good for you. Enjoy it. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you later Bye Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? Listen first and foremost Please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating On whichever platform that you are listening if you want to support the show Please rate like and share also like comment and share on any social media posts that you see For me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok Please follow the podcast Facebook Emotionally an available podcast You can shop my foot online store or schedule a one-on-one with me Emotionally unavailable podcast org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling astrology readings and tarot readings And self-polishing services and thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast All right. I hope you guys liked that episode Uh, not going to say anything else. So till next time. Let's all just keep swimming Hey buy ship from my online store for the love of god. All right. Bye I N D E P E and cook