Meet Pete! https://www.instagram.com/bluecollarspiritualist/ https://linktr.ee/Peacefulpathways33
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 44: Spirit, Do Yo Thang
Yeah, I mean, people always think I'm like a big weed head, but... I would say that there might be something there about how you define worth for yourself is all. I mean, I guess, yeah, if that... yeah. I'm like, all right. But I wasn't ever feeling shit. I was doing a lot to not feel. [music] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. [music] Today's episode is with Pete. He is a medium. His handle is blue-collar spiritualist on TikTok and his website is blue-collarspiritualist.com and he does a lot of different medium stuff and teaches mediumship and is also just a cool dude. So I hope that you enjoy this episode with him. And he also has a podcast called "Birtual Graffiti" and I will put links to everything in the episode notes. So wherever you listen, if you look at the description, it'll all be there. Thank you. Enjoy. [music] Can you see me? It's just blank. You don't see me? No. What the hell? Oh, there you go. Okay, I was right. What the fuck? I see you fine. Do you want, I'm like, is it okay to say, like, Pete? Or you want to just be called the blue-collar spiritualist or what? Yeah, I just, you know, okay. Hi, Pete. How are you? Okay. All right. I do have a question to start off with. It's an easy one. Don't be nervous. Well, for the audience, and I'm sure I'll give a thorough explanation of this in the intro as long as this doesn't turn into a three-hour recording. But I met Pete on TikTok because Pete's grown a brand too. So, okay, so your whole thing is blue-collar spiritualist. Is that what you consider yourself a spiritualist or like a medium? You know, like what, what, you just say spiritualist and what does that mean? No, I mean, I just, I've been doing mediumship for like 20 years. Okay, uh-huh. Well, I kind of just got into it by proxy and it was started in. Yeah, there's a great documentary called Nobody Dies in Lilydale. The religion started. It's on HBO. I think it's actually free on YouTube if you, if you look it up. Nobody dies in Lilyville? Lilydale, D-A-L-E. And it was a religion started by the Fox sisters who were these two girls who started communicating with spirit in their house. This spirit was like trapped in their house. Wow. And through that people started coming to them to connect to spirit and then they started a church. And now there's churches all over the country. There's like different locations. So is that? I think you could look it up. You know, there might be like one or two. I just am curious about this now because I, I mean, like I've said, since I've deconstructed from Christianity, like that I am a spiritual person. I've always been spiritual, even when I was a Christian, I was just very scared of most of it because of how I was raised, you know. Okay, so when, wait, I actually wrote down questions. Nope. Okay, I can get to that one next. Okay. Well, then so did you start because, you know, we've had a small discussion about me connecting with energies or whatever the fuck you want to say. I am working towards being able to, I have this deep desire to be able to connect with past people, you know, like to be able to give that to people. I'm sure I'm projecting because everyone in my life is dead. So, you know, I'm like, Oh, if I could help somebody in that way. And I finally worked up the nerve to go see a medium and it was amazing. But did you start out with like that type of connection to spirit in terms of like dead people or did it start with like a different level of knowing. Well, I think I've always had it, but I think it's, I think everybody has it. It's not a gift or it's not special. I say that too. Yeah, it's a, I mean, anybody can learn how to do it. I've, I teach classes. I have online classes too, where I teach people how to do it. Basically, you don't have to have any prior experiences. It's, it's basically kind of working with your imagination is kind of a very similar. Yeah, putting it, but I had experiences when I was a kid and then I kind of blocked it. And then, because I had, I was scared of it. And then I was raised Catholic. Okay. By, you know, Italian Catholic, which is pretty much like the same thing. So, but then my grandma died in my twenties and I started having experiences with her. And that kind of opened me back up and she kind of pushed me to do it. Did those experiences scare you? No, not really. I mean, what did you do with it or whatever? Well, it was my grandma. So I kind of trusted my grandma. I didn't think. There are people who are like, like my grandma, the person who was very heavily teaching me to like, no tarot, no horoscope, nothing as a child. We were pretty sure my mom was hanging out around after she died and it freaked the fuck out of my. Like, she was like, no, no, we have a very dark sense of humor. So my siblings and I made some very dark jokes around that time. But we were, I mean, obviously cool with it. But, you know, even when my dad died when I was 15. So even when I had like very distinct signs that he was around and trying to get my attention. I was like, you best stop that shit. That's kind of fucking scary. So I trust my dad, but like, I'm scared of that world at that age, you know, I just feel like Italians kind of have also like a little bit of woo woo with them. Yeah. Like the Irish Catholics are more like, you know, don't talk about it. Like, I feel like there was always like a subtle energy of like woo woo, even though like they were Catholic. Yeah. There's always that opening for, you know, a different realm. We just don't dabble with it too much. Kind of. Well, my one grandma was always like, she was very Catholic, but she always felt very like spiritual to me, not necessarily like just, you know, but she was very, like, I have, you know, she gave left me a lot of her stuff. She like sent money to the Vatican and like, oh, God, she was like, yeah, so like she was like, I know about purgatory. You ain't get to me in purgatory motherfuckers. Yeah, but so it's, it's, you know, I don't know. I think it was a lot of societal programming to like scary movies. I remember watching scary movies as a kid like being obsessed with that type of stuff. Yes. I probably were sensitive to it as well, you know. Well, I was too, and I couldn't watch after a certain age. I've never watched movies like the poltergeist, exorcist, any of that. Some of that is because, you know, I had real fucked up parents. So they really just didn't see any problem with an age being too little to watch that shit. And I was very little. And so it was traumatic, but also something about spirits. I felt that shit. And I was like, I'm pretty sure they're going to kill me because that's the messaging I've received. So we're gonna just block that shit. You know, I've just been kind of just in the last couple of years have I really opened myself up to it and I've actually paid for a couple of courses and I will probably pay for yours as well because it was very well priced. It's funny that you said, this is something we all have because I've said that too. You know, that's why I do tarot. I told you because it gives me something tangible. I'm just now learning what shit means when it pops in my brain, you know, like, at first I was like, just really struggling because it was just an insecurity, you know, but now I'm just like, I don't know this is what I think is that accurate and usually it is so I just go with whatever, you know, pops up. I find that I'm being sent people who have the same shit as me. So it's very easy because I like feel them immediately and I'm like, okay, here's the thing, you know, and it's like so fast and easy like I know exactly what everything's saying. It's really like energetic, but your whole thing on TikTok that I've seen is connecting with past loved ones, right? Yeah. So, well, I was interested in a video that I just saw of yours this morning. You know, the algorithm is probably because we've been DMing it's funneling me now all of your videos, whereas before I really, I followed you for a little bit now and I really didn't see you pop up that much. I only get on TikTok on my for you. I never go to the people I'm following anything because, you know, I just let the algorithm take me where it wants to go. But the one that I was like, oh, okay, we got to talk about this tonight was you talking about it's all like felt through your nervous system. Oh, well, that might be why I had such a trouble for a while because my nervous system's been so fucked up for so long. That's been the work I've been having to do because I get dysregulated real fast. Was that work you had to do? Like, are you, you seem very chill, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a history of not chill that you learned to overcome, but what do I know? Uh, I think I've always kind of been like this. It's my nature. Well, you're an Aquarius. Yeah, I mean, people always think I'm like a big weed head, but I'm not, I just, when you're a kid, like, I was had kind of, I guess, rough childhood, you know, lower middle class, old school Italian dad, tough guy, didn't really show emotion. You know, I think we all need it, you know, like there's so much overstimulation, even just from like social media, you know, all the electronic pollution, our food, like everything affects our nervous system. So I think learning to kind of regulate is one thing, knowing when you need space is a big thing. Just taking care of your physical body. Like, I think a lot of problems start from not taking care of your physical body. You know, I think the basis of who we are is cave men and women. Like, we need, we need to be physically active. I think half the people who have anxiety issues nowadays is just from lack of physical activity. You know, like we're just chasing animals for food, you know, and even the women hunted berries and, you know, you're sitting on a debt at a desk for 10 hours. Like, why wouldn't you have anxiety, your body? It's your body's way of saying, like, you need to be active or you're going to not survive. Yeah, there's a fuzzy feeling for a reason. Maybe you got to mace. Yeah, but just like being outside sunlight, all these things that you're, you know, you're a circadian rhythm, sleeping enough, getting enough rest, you know, how many people nowadays sleep a good eight hours. Right. Right. And it's all kind of correlated because, like, if you're not getting the physical activity, you're not going to easily fall asleep. You know, if you're not eating the right things, your body's going to feel like shit, you're not going to want to be active. You know, so it's kind of all related. The way I teach aspects of my mediumship is kind of learning to be more aware of your nervous system. And learning, you know, clear sentence is basically, you know, clear sentence is the ability to feel spirit. And you feel spirit through your nervous system. They basically push their energy into your nervous system and that allows you to be aware of them. So, like, if you're not, if your nervous system is overwhelmed or not healthy, you're not going to be as sensitive, or you're not going to be as aware. You're going to be kind of, you're going to have, like, static, or you're going to have, like, interruptions, you're not going to be able to be able to absorb information as easily. Um, question, really, I kind of lost. So you got, you got there, but I do wonder with your childhood. Well, two part question does. Do you feel for yourself that you have to be, you have to have a certain level of emotional availability to yourself and others as well to be good at this. And then my other question, just so I don't forget, and I might have already forgotten it. If so, what was your road to becoming emotionally available because you're saying a lot of shit that that indicates to me that you have a certain level of emotional availability, but you were raised by emotional idiots like I was, it sounds like. So how did you get from there to here? And is that an important component of the work? Um, I don't, first, I don't think it's necessarily necessary, like, it's not, it's not what people think it is for the most part. Okay. I would say that's the first thing. You know, most people think it's some dramatic experience just from, like, societal and cultural, you know, movies, stuff like that. It can be, but it really is like a, it's a practical process like you don't have to necessarily be emotionally available and also like, you know, you could see variations of how people read. Some people, you know, like some people go deep, some people, you know, are very like I've worked with mediums who are very professionally, evidential, and are focused on being, you know, very clear, concise, and like evidential and structured so people. Like, that's what they feel is important, where the earth signs. Well, I mean, it does. I think it, it's really just like what feels right to you. Right, just authenticity. Well, yeah, and like, to me, like, I'd rather have somebody, if I'm reading for somebody, I want somebody to have like a deep experience. Where like, maybe I'm wrong about something, or I could even be off, but if somebody gets like the real feeling or awareness that there is spirit or their loved one is with them. Right. That's, that's really all that matters. You know, like my intention really is always for somebody to feel better. Yeah. And if that means they feel better by me being a shitty medium, like, I don't care. Do you feel like you're a shitty medium? No, no, I don't, I don't, I think, no, I think I'm pretty good, actually. I think you are too, but no, but I'm saying, like, I don't really care. Yeah, because that's who you are. No, like, I don't have, you know, like, I want you to, I want you to feel better. That's my intention. Whenever I do it, yeah, however I get there. But I'm going the same way. Yeah. So, um, oh, in terms of like growing up to, like, I think people who, uh, you know, I feel like my parents were in both some ways, like emotionally codependent. So I think people who grow and grow up in those type of environments are naturally more empathic because they're so used to dealing with. Yeah, so like, you're going to be, you're going to notice little tweaks. You're going to notice things where you're used to walking on eggshells in an environment. You're going to naturally be more sensitive to like, oh, this feels different, you know, or like, yeah, but that's just your nervous system alerting you to a possible danger. I'm saying that about myself too. Like, that's why that and the fact that I could trauma dump with the best of them. I was shocked to learn that I was so emotionally unavailable and actually just the thought of it at first pissed me off because I think wet. And then just like learning more and more about how fucking actually emotionally unavailable I was has been really a shock because the magnitude of it was much bigger than I even thought. Like, I was like, Oh, fuck, I've really, really surrounded myself on purpose with people who are going to confirm my shitty ass narratives, you know, but, but I don't think that I think a lot of people, first of all, can confuse hyper vigilance with empathy or being an empath. And I do think there's a fine distinction there. Like, yes, being hyper vigilant protects you from danger. You notice every minute shift in somebody's body, facial expression, breath, even how they're walking. Those are all things you have to notice about everybody around you to keep yourself safe when you're used to any type of danger as a child. But I know people who say I'm an empath because I can sense that shit. And I'm like, well, you don't seem all that in tune with yourself. So I'm going to guess that's probably just hyper vigilance. So I'm probably just talking to myself there. But I do think for the audience, I just really wanted to make that distinction because I know this is a struggle for people to understand the difference. And, yeah, I think a lot of people and I'm probably guilty of this is like, I think a lot of people kind of actually create like their own internal codependency with being using the word empath. It's like you take on, you kind of blame others emotions for like yourself. It's like you're kind of trying to be an observer. Like you don't want to process your own emotions. Yeah. You say, oh, it's the empath like, you know, and I'm definitely guilty of that and definitely, you know, and like there's a lot of shadow with being the empath because it's like, there's a lot of like victim consciousness where like people blame. They're called a victim because they're so overwhelmed by like their empathic energies influencer. Right. But like you always have the final say, you know, it's all. Yeah. You can, you can walk away from that just like a toxic friend. That's what I'm saying. So they, they, they blame it, you know, like a codependent relationship. I've heard that and that's an excellent point because, I mean, I think whether we're talking about spirit energy or the energy of just people in our lives, or that you just interact with. I think what I've learned in term, I've been studying this program called finding peace. It's not spiritual. It's very counseling based, but the big reason that I got into this is because they identified what they call the shadows of shame. So it's like all those voices that pop in your head that either talk shit to you about you to you about the person involved in the conflict with you to you. Like one is a judgment of yourself. One's a judgment of others. One is like the, the guy that's just like, I don't know why keep trying bitch, you know, like, just give up. So they have different names for those things, which was really powerful for me because I just thought I was crazy because I had all these conflicting voices in my head that sounded like me, but you know, they were just mean. It was narratives that I had heard and internalized and carried on for 44 fucking years because I didn't know what was happening. So, you know what Pete, I'd be a fucking liar if I even acted like I knew where the I was going with that. I told you you'd have so much fun with me. Why was I saying that, who knows, but I definitely know lots and lots of people who use the empath thing as an excuse. Oh, I kind of don't want to say this. I don't want you in trouble for saying, but I'm a set. They use it as an excuse to be a fucking bitch. You know what I mean? Like, Oh, if I don't, I'll just get to wrapped up and to blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, so you got to be mean because you can't control your own depth of emotion. What the fuck, do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I mean, I just, I don't know, I don't, I try not to get myself wrapped up in other people's stories. Well, honey, I'm talking about people being mean to me with that as their excuse. Yeah, you don't have that. You know, I'm not real surprised you're very tall man and I don't, I doubt you're not interacting with, you know, very many people who are like mean to you but you're all so lots of also a loner. So I like try to. Yeah, I keep my space. You know, well, I was okay. I guess that probably answers this one question that popped up earlier when you were talking but, you know, you were like, you got to know when you need space and when you need this and whatever. Was that a hard thing for you to learn what you need when I feel like I always fell back on being alone. You know, like I feel more comfortable alone, you know, like I don't want to, sometimes I definitely struggle with like, I feel like responsible for other people's emotions, you know, especially with kids and stuff like that. Like you're, it's hard to not feel responsible for them, but, but you're not, you know, I'm not responsible for their happiness. They have to have their own happiness, you know. You know, your own kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well I feel like my, you know, my mom was kind of her father died when she was a kid so that kind of, and she still hasn't dealt with that really. So I feel like, okay, is your mom an air sign or a Sagittarius. She'll Leo. Ah, okay. Yeah, you're usually more emotionally available though. I'm not even dealt with their shit if they don't deal with their shit, they're not because they're false pride and ego. Yeah, she definitely, I don't know, she wasn't a bad mom but she put like a lot of my her like emotional responsibility on me. Like her kids weren't really tended to, but you had to do a lot of the emotional attendance. Yeah, because my father wasn't like available. Yeah, so she would go, you know, she would rely on us to be like verified or taken care of and stuff like that. And I didn't really realize it till I was like in my 20s, you know, because I lived under their house. So it was kind of hard to see through it because that's just like how it was, you know? Yeah, but I mean, I don't know, like I've done work with her, I've done work on myself with her. And I realized that she's really just a kid. She stuck in the timeframe when her father died, like when she lost like her innocent view of reality. And I don't think she's ever realized that or kind of processed that so it's like from the outside perspective, not me judging her as a son from like somebody on the outside. It's kind of sad. Yeah. And it's like she never really, you know, healed from that. So it's like, how can I really judge her? Mm hmm. And I think that's great. You know, my husband's an Aquarius. And he's the oldest of five raised in a Mormon household. So he is a lot like you, loner, his big three are all air signs. So he doesn't come out of his head. Unless you have time to. So I was like, well, maybe there's a couple things. Yes, all three are air signs, but you've spent your entire life disassociated as you're coping. So you wonder you have a terrible memory. You're always somewhere else. That's just the way he goes. And he's so like loving and granted his mom didn't beat shit out of him like my mom did. So, you know, great, you can be kind to your mom, I guess. But I mean, I love my mom too, but I have zero problem talking shit about her too. I hold space for both of those thoughts because she was a real shit parent, but I think to, to your point about loner being the default. I do think it can get so tricky as an over thinker myself. I don't know if you're an over thinker, but I am. And so it can get really hard in the loner stage because I'm just left with the shit narratives that I've created. So I find that I'm also a Gemini, so I can't process shit without talking it out with somebody. And that was tough when, you know, I didn't want to be vulnerable with anyone, not even my husband. So, I mean, like I was like crying openly to him about something yesterday. And afterwards, I just thought, wow, that's real growth because I definitely remember like halting conversations the second I even got teary eyed because, you know, that was a weakness or whatever. I don't remember, but yeah, I mean, I'm more of like, I don't like using this word, but like production, you know, like I like to. I'll just do things, you know, like that's how I process things. Yeah, you're not emotionally available. I think I am. I think I am. Well, you seem very empathetic. I'm serious. Like when you, your videos on TikTok come across like you're really connecting with the person. That's what's crazy to me is I'm like, just off a fucking comment because I'm like feeling the connection between you and that person. And then I want to go find the person so bad. I don't let myself do that because I could go down a rabbit hole so fast. But every time I see one of your little videos I'm like, damn, they're just connecting. And you do have to have like empathy for people to get there. I really believe that. Yeah. See, like, I don't, you know what? The funny thing is, I don't, I don't, I hate the word empathy because I don't think that's what you need. I think you need. That's the biggest prop. That's a big problem with. I don't want to say that's a big problem, but like the whole new age. Yeah. Like the new age thing is empathy, but it's really like you don't want empathy. You want compassion. I like that. Yeah. Because compassion, empathy is like you're taking somebody's shit off. Yeah, because you have to. If that that's literally what empathy is, is putting yourself in their position. Yeah, but you don't want to do that. You want to be compassionate. You want to be, you want to be able to feel like what they're feeling without taking it on. You want to have, you know, love for that person without having to take on whatever they're going through. No, and I think that's a phenomenal point, even outside of mediumship. Like as a therapist, as a friend, as a sibling, as a spouse, I guess I hadn't recognized that I've made the distinction now. But like I find myself saying, I feel so much more compassionate towards people because I have, I didn't realize that I still felt responsible for everybody's feelings because in my brain, I could think I'm not responsible for your feelings. And think that I meant that. But this old wounded version of me who's never dealt really with all of those feelings. Well, they were still there. I was just telling her to shut up basically. I was dismissing her like everybody else did. So I just have this new understanding of I'm mean to you. I'm thinking of my little brother. I was mean to him in our adult lives because I didn't like the choices he made, but it really wasn't like I'm judging the choices you made. It was like, how the fuck could you do this after all the promises and right. But what I really felt whenever I really dug down was, I was pissed at myself because I didn't save him. It's a very irrational thought. Like, it is what it is, but that's not this version of me who feels that. That's the person who grew up with him and, you know, had to beat the shit out of him to get him to go to school because we didn't have any parents making us go to school. You know, it's, it's, I'm responsible. And then plus the theology that I was taught. I am my brother's keeper was said to me all the fucking time because my grandma wanted to manipulate me into doing things that she no longer had the energy to do. So I have a schizophrenic brother too. It was just nonstop like throwing Bible verses at me to take care of them so that she could know they were safe, but didn't have to do it And so now unraveling all of that, just in the last month, I have felt so much fucking compassion for him and like, okay, maybe if you actually help, like, not like financially and stuff like that, but like, be there for him. Like, be what you want from everyone that you're not getting. You know, listen, be sweet. Like, there was just always that barrier. I couldn't let myself feel real like love for him. I'm serious. Like, I'm not really touchy with most people. He's a Leo. So he's very like, come hug me. You know, I'm always like, so he's side hugged me our whole lives because he knows that I really fucking hate it. I don't want him to hug me specifically him. I don't know what the fucking problem was but I was like, get the fuck off me breath. And now I'm like, can't wait to see him again, because we can hug whenever you leave. We don't live that far from each other, but we just have different lives and so we don't get to see each other that much but I'm like, I'm going to ask and he's going to love it. He's going to be so happy. So I get your point. There is a huge difference between empathy and compassion. Yeah, I mean, and I just think like everything you're experiencing is a reflection of yourself. So it's like, you know, you don't want to get wrapped up into other people's stories because a lot of people are kind of living their own story and that, you know, it's not, you know, it doesn't always resonate with you. So it's like when you get wrapped up in the empathy of like taking other people's stories on you kind of start to forget your own story and you start living other people's like programs and, you know, you don't want to do that. You want to be your own person. You want to be your authentic version of yourself. And I think the first people we always kind of take on are our parents. You know, there, there are real like first God, you know, right. Yeah, that is a really good way to put that, because damn, they can't really fuck you up. Oh yeah, like what, you know, I've also tried like deconstructing religion, deconstructing evil like where all these ideas come from and like, you know, who's your first version of authority is really your parents and your body. You know, I mean, what tells you what you can and can't do. Yeah, your parents and your body. And, well, you think about it too is like, if the essence of who we are as God or spirit, like our first level of limitation is like our physical body. So it's like, that's where we, there's, there's like this, I forget what it was, but it was like, you know, what is God lack, and that's limitation. So that's why we come into this world is to experience limitation. No thanks. It's been a rough year but things are much better now. Oh, you're not as into astrology as me so I won't bother you with fucking astrology bullshit but yeah I don't know I think I think that too much of us is wrapped up in the narratives that were created in our young lives, and I, I have just come to this place where I'm like, everything really is a mirror, like everyone in my life is me, and it's kind of fucking crazy. Do you know what I mean by that like, like even, you know, you DM in me and I'm like, what's your fucking sign. You say queries and I'm like, I don't know why that just makes so much sense to me because this is who's like being very magnetized to me right now, and we all kind of have the same shit it's bizarre. And like I started thinking about how this mirror effect really applies in a lot of different ways for me and the first thing I did was okay, what are the things that drive me the very most fucking insane by my husband right well. He's, he's very untidy, and that drives me crazy, and he's also flighty, you know what I mean like best intentions best dude but like he, he, he don't forget. He's not going to remember your birthday or the anniversary and he's also going to buy you a room but for your tenure wedding anniversary and you know that's just who he is but I was like okay. Why then because I'm like if, if I believe that everything I hate about him is actually something I hate in myself, then what the fuck is this clean thing and I'm like, oh, because I'm actually not clean either that's why. I also came to Calamity and every fucking sense of the word like everywhere I go I'm dropping all my shit and I'm you know hey guys sorry you know I'm usually rushing in. That's not who I've always been but as I've like let go of some perfectionism and stuff it's like who I was and then somewhere along the way I was like I have to be perfect and polished and whatever and I spent a lot of time driving after that goal. And then when dad's like I don't really want to do all that so I'm gonna go ahead and get my arm tapped to you know so like I just started allowing a little bit of chaos which is, you know we're raining that back in a little bit. But I was like okay I do hate that I can't keep the house perfect by myself and I'm blaming him when I'm really mad at myself because I can't do all of this and I want to be perfect and I want my fucking house to look perfect at all times. For a lot of reasons I was really fucking crazy about it but I was like oh shit that's probably true about everything then why do I hate this why do I hate this why do I hate this. The problem is knowing that shit doesn't necessarily translate to not getting my feelings hurt I'm working on that but just recently though I've been like okay. I want to assign morality to shit that doesn't involve morality like being a person who forgets everything. So I was like okay if we were to back up and think about this systematically instead of emotionally and when I say we I mean me we we need an assistant or so you know like we just need to figure out how to make we got a leverage technology to help us out because like you know I'm not making shit for many of the shit I'm doing yet so I'm like working on my money but like we can we can use a family app because I told you my oldest son just moved back home. It creates a little bit more chaos because I was like we got to have a laundry schedule because I'm actually trying to set myself up for success in that when these my two boys are older and then I have a younger daughter. I always come to me just whenever it's convenient for them but not for me then I'm like snappy and my 17 year old I'm just feeling a lot of like withdrawn and tension from him because it's been tense couple months around here but I'm like if you could ever just like send a text. And then when you get a chance that instead of just like barging in my room, I left it in on today's episode but he just like came in my room while I was recording like everybody knows what I'm recording and he's like Jake, you know so it's like all the time and I get upset and I'm trying so hard to like stay regulated but I got a lot of shit going on and I'm like did you need to come in my room I was fucking recording to mess with the dog with the fuck. I was like okay let's just take fucking emotion out of this like this is you're not letting me down you're doing human shit and I'm doing human shit and I gotta quit like okay let's just get a system for this and we gotta figure out how a system can work for your brain and that's just like I'm trying to get there and it'll be just fine so I really am trying to approach more things with less emotion because there doesn't have to be emotion it doesn't I get to decide and I think this is probably the first time I'm saying this out loud, but I do get to decide how much I want to allow in or out in terms of emotion how long I want to stay there and what meaning I want to assign to the things that and I just I think it was just like last night that I was like you know what we just need to start using keep or something and get a family group chat going and just have a strategy to attack this instead of me having expectations that are quite literally never gonna fucking get met and then I'm overwhelmed at all times because of the mental overload. And that's the only reason I ever started using edibles because I couldn't sleep because I had a running to do list. I'm not I'm not sad I started using them but yeah yeah I mean I don't like I think you just have to I don't know be authentic to how you feel. I don't know if you feel like feeling if you don't feel like feeling just be you you know. Yes, unfortunately becoming emotionally available to myself meant a lot of feeling a lot of really big feelings I didn't always know where to put and you know I have a very extensive history of trauma and a real fucked up nervous system and that and it's just it's a daily practice that that I'm working on but I think that was such an aquarius thing for you to say. What is what is emotionally available like what if you're not an emotionally available person like maybe you're that's who you are. And if that's who you want to be and that's who you're okay with being then that's fine. I personally want deeper relationships. I want to I I'm fine with surface and I find with just below surface but they're never going to be my inner circle. The people that I have the closest to me I want us to be able to because it's not just about feeling it's about understanding why you're fucking reacting the way you are so like for me there's a lot of the understanding had to be like, okay, especially with CPTS D like, oh, okay, it's not just a flashback is not just, oh, I'm all of a sudden back in the sit I can watch it happen and it's like no my body just remembers being there and this situation is having me feel in my body the same way that now I have to connect and go, Oh, this is just triggering my rejection wound or my abandonment wound or my loss wound or whatever. I have to know those things first. And that's I mean we're talking intensive work when you've had the life I've had, you know, so for me, it all goes together. But if I'm certainly not saying that people have to be more emotionally available. If they want to be close with me, they do. That's all. I mean, and I'm not, I'm not pushing that even on my inner circle. Most of them don't even listen to this fucking podcast. But are we surprised? No, because I have surrounded myself with emotionally unavailable people. Because I take on people as projects, not anymore, but that's what I did. Like either I didn't feel judged by them, which was a really important thing. And, or it was somebody that I was like, Oh, my God, I can save you. I'm here, let mama save you, you know, so I didn't want those types of relationships anymore. I want reciprocity. Yeah, I mean, I don't feel like I have any fake relationships. But maybe you go, maybe, well, you're an Aquarius. So you don't have to talk like feelings to feel a deep connection with people. As long as you're talking about things that you are passionate about, like spirit, or whatever with the person, it can feel really fulfilling for you. And me too. But I've always been a person who was the most fulfilled by interpersonal conversations around not necessarily feelings, but psychology and, you know, all that. I mean, that's always been my area of interest. I can talk that tarot and, you know, spirit shit all fucking day with anyone and I, and I will feel very fulfilled by that. But those conversations, those aren't the people I can call when I'm in a really fucking dark place. You know, that's when I was like, Oh, man, I have nobody when I went through a very bad time in October and like made a plan, all of that. And I was like, I have nobody to talk to about this like, I just, I mean, you can talk about it, but I didn't feel like I was going to be able to get help from like the help I really needed, not even like drive me to a mental hospital because I would have just lied and not gone. But nobody could meet me in the dark. And it's because I never really showed that part of me to people. It came off as anger. I was agitated at all times. So nobody knew that that meant I was fucking drowning. Yeah. I mean, like, I don't know. Like, I, first off, I don't really have that many close friends. So, you know, my wife, and maybe like two other people. Yeah. You know, but I think also though, like, you know, there's, there's, there's a real power in facing that darkness by yourself. I have to agree with you. I mean, I'm glad after being on the other side of that that I had to figure shit out by myself. And I don't know that I would do it any differently in the future, but I would know that I could if I wanted to. I would call my inner circle five people. And, but like, what are you in that dark space? Like, what is having somebody that you have a deep relationship? Going to do. Listen to me care that I'm struggling. Yeah. Like, nobody wanted to hear it. But like, why, why do you, like, why do you feel like you need somebody to care for you? Like, care for my feelings, care about me? What? Yeah, anything. All that. Well, baby, I think it's because I'm a fucking human. And that's what we need is connection with people. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I feel like they're maybe I just always was kind of raised to think like, you know, you just, you always have yourself. Like, I don't know. Like, I don't. And I mean, that's probably why I don't, I definitely have an issue with, like, asking people for help or stuff like that, just because it doesn't. Well, because you've never learned how to. I mean, if in childhood, you were having to tend to your own needs all the time you learned that you had you yourself and you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, probably the only person I really ever could probably feel comfortable asking for help was my brother. Mm hmm. And that's probably because that's where we, you know, that's as a kid, you know, that's who helped you. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, I, like, I definitely have a hard time asking people for help. I did. I'm, I, well, okay, I'm very cognizant of it now and trying really hard, but I still have a very hard time. I mostly, but I want the help. I really do. Because I'm mad at myself that I can't do it by myself. So I really don't want to tell you that I can't do it by myself. But also, you know, that's a vulnerability in a weak spot. And now you have ammunition, you know, because that's the world I grew up in is use all of that against you. Like, you don't want to be vulnerable. I don't know. Like, I feel like that plays to being authentic though. Like, if you're really being authentic, you're going to just be who you are regardless. And if you're who you are regardless, it's going to feel like you're being vulnerable. Oh, for sure. I didn't even realize how much of a fear I had. the phone was someone one day and this person was able to just like see me like just fucking spouting shit that like was very spot on and I was like okay I've never experienced this feeling in my entire life because I've made damn sure to not show anyone the real me ever. So for you to see me feels like I'm about to throw up. It was really transformative actually because that's the only way I was ever gonna know that that was a fear of mine was to experience it in such a fucking strong way that I had a visceral reaction to it. I was like okay apparently I don't want you to see me so I don't like this feeling I'm gonna get off the phone now but it was so fucking crazy because like we're not even talking face to face but like my heart was beating so fast and like I was just getting super dysregulated because I was like people can't see me but I think too I've always been a person I'm gonna blame Pluto for this I've always been a person who does not want blind spots. Now it's embarrassing how many blind spots I had to myself considering I really didn't think I had any you know but all the shadow work I've been doing I was real fucked up but not that I actually judged myself but I'm I was a little embarrassed to like what all I didn't know I was doing and for what motivation and like somebody was calling me manipulative one time somebody doesn't like me but imagine that I was like what no I'm not fucking manipulative I told my husband that you know I was like the look on his face was like and I'm like what I mean so then I'm like I'm gonna journal or something I didn't know this about myself but it was just shit like that all the time I'm like fuck I am manipulative I hate that about myself and you know just different shadows that have popped up I mean I am though not even the same person that I was in April so I mean I've just learned a lot about myself but it's because I'm very fucking committed to not continuing really toxic cycles you know but I guess that's why it's important to me because that's who I've literally always been I'm sure part of it was a survival skill I mean you'd have to listen to a few episodes to to really I mean I sent you the most traumatic story I've told on the podcast but there's a lot there you know so yeah I'm just yeah I mean you're just trying to survive yeah and I don't I don't want my kids to have to survive me you know like I want to be able to repair this before it's too late and not that I've ever beat them or anything but I'm a fucking toxic ass bitch if I'm not real intentional sorry yeah it's hard to kind of sometimes it's just hard to see yourself you know you don't you don't really realize you know what you do you know half of it's like like we said your programming and you just shut down and yeah it's it's hard to see yourself from an observing perspective but I think just you know doing your work your daily work I don't even know I just kind of feel like I've always just been overly analytical of like every thought I have yeah you know I was to yeah I was to I just wasn't asking the right questions and as much as I could preach that thoughts thoughts and feelings are not fact I unless I'm saying it out loud I can't hear the absurdity of some of the shit I can conjure up you know yeah well I think like realizing you create your reality and you know like the most annoying question I always ask myself is like why did you attract this oh I love that you know like why did you attract this experience my podcast partner yeah my podcast partner Ruby would always get mad because I'd just be like that's like the she's like you're gonna ask why did I attract yes like can you fucking validate me first mother fucker yeah well she's a cancer so she yeah like she's got feelings yeah so I always attract those type of people because I'm like the total opposite so it's like you know she has like the broadest spectrum of emotions I want to look and see again what your north note is in now it's in cancer you fucker yeah yeah I attract a lot of tourists is because not because of my what's it called north note but because of my fucking chiron wound oh yeah I'm a tourist chiron to I saw my wife's a tourist my dad's a tourist I knew your wife had to be an earth sign to be okay with being with a loner yeah my wife's a tourist my dad's a tourist my daughter's a tourist and my two cousins who I grew up with very close to were tourists you really attracted a lot of mother figures yeah I guess I got a lot of healing to do you know yeah you're only 41 yeah so I mean I don't know I feel like I feel like I still don't understand their lesson to me to be honest but balance yeah balance I don't know my dad because they have to learn that lesson too cancers are so whatever and then tourists I have probably received my deepest friend wounds from tourists is but to me it's just a very practical I thought and that was the energy like as soon as you start talking about the type of person you are like then your wife she's not like all emotional either because she's like okay so we got to get this and this and then I need a nap because I'm a tourist um you know I mean just real real kind of like honestly I've been trying to channel like my Virgo energy into the strategy session you know that's I literally was like what would a Virgo do like they would just set up a system like they're not gonna cry about this they're gonna be like oh what we're doing isn't working okay this doesn't mean that you don't love me you think I'm a piece of shit you wish I could do all this without you and that I'm too needy oh okay well I guess we could have skipped all that well we're here here now but you know a Virgo would just be like okay this technology sucks let's get a new piece of technology like it's not a serious Melissa it's funny I feel like like I know the signs and stuff like that I know some astrology but it's always like I always focus on how they feel to me right and I would say Virgo's like my least favorite I have Virgo Mars Saturn and Jupiter if I'm not mistaken but I probably am but I do know I have a stellium in Virgo you know that's where my little misperfection of shit comes from and but the thing that I hate about Virgos the very most is how they can't show love without fucking criticism yeah see I to me they always felt fake well you know I don't I don't want to say that word because I have very close Virgo friends who would hear me say that and that is not the word I would use but I would say that they struggle a lot with identity because of their criticism of themselves they hate themselves they find themselves to be very fundamentally unlovable so they mask a lot and they have to act a lot more confident than they actually are yeah like is fine too but I'm I'm I'm just checking my own issues obviously but they just yeah I have more issues with tourists than I do Virgo because my Virgo people love the shit out of me they just don't show me that in the way I want them to but like oh no well let me clarify now my my last few tourist friends is because I'm working through my kyron window but I'm so proud so my last three tourists friends have been so fucking amazing dude like yeah the most loving supportive people like so I'm proud of myself but can I ask you a question yes it's personal okay it's not it's not it's not it's not scary it's just personal okay so when I was doing your astrology which I can't fucking send you the PDF on Instagram I don't know how to get to you know they say that your kyron wound happened like whatever degree it is that you got your wound around that time so I've been like fact checking with people as much as possible like mine's at 16 degrees and my dad died four months before I turned 16 and four is like a really big number in my life so yours is 22 I just wondered if something happened around that time that you could identify not really I was probably gradual that's when I met my wife around your kyron wounds in torus no I'm just saying like that's no I know that's so funny to me that's actually I think that my age when I met my wife I was graduating like college probably around them wow there's something there then that's weird did you go through a crisis of self-worth when you were done with college not really I was always kind of like now kind of thing no I was always very driven like because I always looked at my life like I would say like I was always trying to save my mom that was probably like my hero's journey so like I was always kind of driven like I always like my parents never owned a home or anything so like I was I always hit the ground running like I wanted to get a good job I wanted to save money for a home buy my own home you know like I bought my home you know like so I was always and if I say like didn't really know what I was doing I was still doing right yeah yeah but well that's where I would say there's a possible shadow for you because I'm like stopping myself because I'm like well this is fucking unsolicited you didn't ask for my fucking opinion shit we're just talking yeah I would I would say that there might be something there about how you define worth for yourself is all oh yeah I'm no I mean like I definitely chased money because I thought like I was you know kind of raised poor I know he's like my mom was always like focused on how we didn't have it that bad right obviously we were lower middle class but like we always had food on the table I mean we had a roof over our head we met my parents never knew all the newest latest best yeah but I think like the focus was like I grew up in a nicer neighborhood so I think we were always you know poorer than everybody else right so but like the focus was always on like how much we don't have right from my mom's perspective so I think like I always thought like money was the answer like oh I if I'm rich if I can be my mom everything she's ever wanted that yeah yeah I hear that so like I think you know my 20s to my 30s I was always like just chasing money you know like I would you know I do underground tunnels which was you know a very dangerous job and like but I made a lot of money and I kind of just like went suffered through things that I really probably didn't want to suffer and did that all in the name of money you know so I kind of realized now that I mean obviously you still need money to survive but like I it's not it's not my focus really anymore I feel like my focus has probably shifted more towards money but not in the way that it used to be and so much of my perfectionism like of my house was like that equates to value like if my house can look aesthetically pleasing and whatever then my value increased but I don't know I think there's just I guess it just depends on what like you're almost like philosophy on things is but I used to want the like I drive Alexis which I very clearly only bought because it's a fucking status symbol right it's a cheap status symbol compared to other ones but you know whatever because I was very like focused on appearance how I'm perceived and which is why I was such a people pleaser I've done jobs that like I knew weren't going to pay that much you know like I mean so it's not like I was like oh I have to make the most money it was like well how can I do these jobs that don't pay money but still be rich because this is just not working I need to be rich so it was like shit like that whereas now I do want wealth and prosperity be prosperity but because I believe I fucking deserve that and whatever but I also said I would choose bankruptcy over the life I was living so I quit and I'm doing this stuff on faith that it's going to provide an income I was like hey honey here's the thing I'm there's not going to be a backup I can't have a boss like I no longer have a single ounce of respect for anyone who would call themselves an authority because there's certainly not an authority to me I'm gonna get fired or catch a case and I just I don't want to do it anymore so just know never gonna have another like job and he was like word and I was like thank God you're in Aquarius he's so calm about everything he's like that's what you need but would be sad if I wasn't able to pursue this passion because I'm not these aren't the things that I chose to do because I want money you know like I'm I just believe that the things I'm doing are worthy of prosperity but that's not why I'm doing them I but I also think it's okay if I want to monetize my gifts you know yeah yeah so yes I want the my passions to become my income and I want prosperity and I'm not afraid to say that I do want it and I fucking deserve it but I've learned like I'm so much happier already just being out of that toxic bullshit so there isn't a monetary you know equivalent to that so I'm less money driven but you know I need a certain amount of security and it's a little scary when you're not getting a paycheck yeah yeah I can I mean that's kind of why I've kept my job because I you know I feel responsible for like my family and you know it's very hard because if there's a real part of me that just the thing is is like I've always attracted jobs where like for the last like five years ever since I kind of made peace with certain aspects of myself like there was definitely a programming of you have to suffer to be successful and I think I I think I've learned that from my father because he was like blue collar tough guy who like I don't think really cared for his job and like did it anyway and kind of I felt like held like some anger towards us because he was you know like yeah he wouldn't be doing it if he wasn't supporting his family yeah so so I kind of had we actually had almost like a fist fight I had a real confrontation with him and I love my dad even though I may be talking a lot of shit I love my dad I appreciate my dad he made me who I you know he made me he taught me how to be a man in a certain ways and stuff like that but we had this real confrontation one time I used to write them letters that was like a trick that I figured out I would write them letters and I burn them and it would it would like do the energy work for me like he would just like start talking to me about something I didn't know where like something 20 years ago you know but one time we just had this like real confrontation he swung at me and miss and I was like I will kick your fucking asshole you know like it was like a real confrontation but like he's you know 70 now he's like a old chubby Italian guy and I'm like you know in good shape big guy and like I was just like I will fuck like I think it was like the first time I really had like a real strong confrontation with him because he was very you know he used kind of fear when we were kids and it kind of was in the back of my head so I never really like pushed him to the point you know like but after that like my job shifted where I got like these really easy jobs out of nowhere like and I'm in positions where I don't really answer to anybody and I kind of like just do my own thing and kind of make good money so it's almost like the universe made it harder for me to just like walk away from because it's like like my last job I literally had nobody answer I showed up like signed in made a lot of money and would just like drive around check on a couple things and like go home and you know like that was my thing you know so it was like it's like harder when it's in that position to like walk away even though like the anarchist in me just doesn't want to be like tied to anything you know like you know oh you have to be here from here to then like no I don't want to be here from you know like I want to be here for like an hour place to I'm like now I yeah you know what I'm 44 I'll do it the fuck I want yeah no like time time is like my biggest thing you know because like you don't have time to like be creative if you're tired from like the draining day you know like if you're working eight hour day and you have a family and you have hobbies and you have things you like to do it's like how much time do you have to like devote to just being creative like you know I like art I do paintings and I you know like I like writing and I like learning things so it's like it's how much time does the average person get to dedicate to just being creative right and being creative from like a restful state yeah like like like I do a podcast something like me and my wife might do a podcast tonight and it's like we put the kids to bed it's like nine thirty like how how much energy do you have like right so it's that's the part that sucks that you have to kind of figure it out I guess right well I mean truthfully that's the pursuit I'm on is to be able to live that life and get paid for it yeah just passion you know well I think that's why we're drawn to each other I'm serious that we can I have asked the universe to send me people that are on the same path and are pursuing themselves and pursuing their passions and I understand there's room for all of us to fucking win and we're stronger together yes happen to be the first male sent to me yeah I mean like I do the videos on TikTok like I'm doing them at four thirty in the morning before I go to you know work it's like one you know so it's like I'm like man I'll be like shit I should probably probably post on TikTok and say that shit man I'm like I only ever do it if like I feel so fucking stirred up to do it you know like I'll be like all right all right all right all right like cuz the song will get me or I watch somebody else I'm like okay I could do that you know not liking a copy thing but you know when they're like do this trend or whatever and so sometimes it's the whole reason I ever even was like fuck it we're we're gonna get on TikTok was you know that honest a guy who did that song of course not your algorithms probably just like spiritual people and stoics no it's mostly it's food and like woodworking that's basically it more it's more and more food cuz I feel like that's the thing I actually watch you know like I want to know how to make yeah yeah yeah I love cooking so it's like I and those are the things I send the people you know like cooking oh yeah like if I want to make something for dinner I'll like send it to my wife so I have it like save something like that and then you know that's what I'm loving about that whole road to 10k challenge that people were doing is I was trying to be sweet so I would watch their videos and the algorithm just doesn't know what the fuck to do with me now so it's like wait what I'm seeing so much different shit that I'm like oh this is so fun they're following a trend they're not actually being like like you're here to bring your message your authentic version of whatever you're feeling or like whatever is your artistic interpretation of things right you know like when people are just like oh this video is for you 555 it's like okay like that's not that's not like really from your heart like what do you you know like what do you really have to say well I don't want to hate on them but it's like and then I see like those videos where it's like oh 555 the angels need to talk to you and then that person has like 30,000 likes and I'm like the fuck is that like all right does it hurt your feelings it doesn't necessarily hurt my feelings it's just like I don't know I feel like it's kind of cheesy a little bit you know like I don't know listen I have to disagree there's a couple of them that are so sweet yeah there's this young girl I don't even know oh she's so young I was like trying so hard to be her bestie and she's just she's not feeling it Pete yeah in it and she's like it's like guidance by Sarah or something she's so adorable and she's like kind and like has integrity and she's just like the girl next door you know she's so precious that I'm like I just want to mother you why won't you let me mother you and I just she does not have a dis genuine bone in her body she did but I will not believe that about Sarah and there's a couple more now some of them I questioned their morality a bit but you know what this is what I think I do believe they have a gift and I think they're trying to find their way and you know what sometimes the way is you get in the middle of something a little sticky like that and you got to work your way out of it you know but I think it starts from good intention I really do think that but you know a little bit of monetization on something and it's easy to get a little hungry and greedy you know yeah yeah no for sure but I mean it is what it is they're doing their thing and I'm doing mine you know yeah I but see I could totally see myself doing fucking videos that I could totally see myself doing that like just for the collective you know just there's someone might need to hear what you have to say no it's true I mean it's true because even like that though even when I do messages you know how many people try to like like it's for a specific person a lot of times people like try to claim that it's theirs and that's fine I mean if somebody gets for you know what they need it yeah relief or like happiness from like hearing something I don't care but it's I'm always trying to connect directly to whoever I'm working with you know like I try to you know have a specific connection yeah is that why you go off the comments I just started doing that actually I've had a friend her name's Jessa Reed she's like a reader well it's a long story but she kind of is like a reader but she feels like a podcast and stuff like that and she was the one who was like I you know I used to have like another account and it was like peaceful pathways was like the name or something and she was just like why are you not selling yourself as like a blue collar man who does medium ship like that's special like there's not many people like that right and I was like holy shit like I've never even thought of that I kind of always actually kind of hid that fact that like I'm a because I like when I was first kind of getting into stuff like I was like oh you know like you want to be the new age person like oh I'm peaceful or whatever yeah like and I you know people people always said oh you're a peaceful person so I just you're not peaceful but you're not know but I mean it's like I'm not the like you know linen pants guy like you know so like and she was just like you should be like blue collar something and I was like holy shit that makes like total sense and I can't believe I never fucking thought of that you know so then I started to put that in and like you know people really liked it and like you know I used to like post videos of me at work and like stuff like that and then like I'm doing these messages and people always comment like oh I've never seen a man do this or like whatever and I'm like why does it have to be a woman like how to well you know a lot of men aren't into the woo woo shit okay P oh it's true I mean even when I take classes it's I would say it's you know or teach classes it's like in 75 25 usually you know yeah cuz see my husband's very patient and tolerant but he believes none of what I believe and he's like that's so great sweetie that's so good for you baby but mmm he's still warming no he's just nothing you know like he's like I think if I were to psycho analyze him a bit I think that it's actually like how hurt he was to feel betrayed by his faith and kind of in his deconstruction realizing that so much of his core was shame related to the teachings you know and so think that that really just betrayed him and so he decided that to believe that that wasn't real nothing could be real so I think like I'll be like can I do a reading for you I'm gonna be like sure and he's very like interactive like if I'm like huh have you blah blah blah blah like very sweet to me about it but he just does not he doesn't believe that even just like energies he just does he's like I mean I guess yeah if that yeah I'm like alright well thanks for listening isn't that hard no no because he's so kind about it that like if you were making fun of me that'd be a deal breaker I mean but he doesn't he never makes fun of me he's so sweet like he's a people pleaser so you know hey sometimes his lack of boundaries really works in my favor we'll just say that yeah I appreciate your time today was it was it scary no good okay thanks for having me you're gonna record with your wife yeah probably I'm thinking about it I'm putting it off for like two days so my partner has been kind of busy so I've been doing like guests or solo or just you know random stuff well you know if you need a guest I'd be happy to be a guest for sure it's definitely I'll definitely have you on I just you know it's whatever my schedule has been crazy because of like work clients I've been really actually TikTok's been getting me a lot of clients lately but I've been trying to like I've been I used to do it a lot and I had like 20,000 I think I told you and I like deleted it and then I've been doing it again like actually you know trying to stay consistent like try to do at least like one message a day yeah and I began a lot of clients from it that's awesome yeah so see how it goes I feel just overwhelming need to say I'm proud of you thank you yeah no I mean it's just sometimes it's a lot though because it's like you know I have three kids I have three kids they play sports you know they're young they need my attention they need you yeah plus I did a two store extension on my house so I'm like finishing I'm trying to finish that up I did a lot of the work myself and you know just life summer you know so it's so hard I'm chained to the chair like all day because I have no help with any of this shit so I'm like doing all the you know trying to fucking market myself and shit or you know signing up to be a speaker somewhere you know shit like that and I'm like this is what I'm talking about like you're not worried that she's not having a good summer but I am you know no yeah vision of mental labor sometimes but I hate that I mean I think tiktok is the fastest way to grow so if anyone to see my shit on tiktok and I don't know what to do on tiktok that's my thing is I'm like I really I think doing whatever is like you like fully you know like I don't know like I think a lot of times I I used to write a lot and I think a lot of times now like if something comes to me I'll put it somewhere on social media if it's tiktok or I've been trying to get into like threads a little bit sometimes I'll post stuff on Instagram you know I kind of switch it up but tiktok to me has like the most audience you know so like if you start talking in videos yeah and sometimes like people get pissed off you know like I always like a lot of people get really sensitive when you talk about like victim consciousness and like that you attract your life because then people are like oh really triggered yeah yeah like you think that this is an energetic like level that you have to be at to like a frequency to what I don't think everybody understands that so I remember I would say you know a lot I would say a lot less people understand it than you think right so I think you have to like I know for myself I was triggered by a medium and I was like okay I'll let you so I'm not going to get pissed but like don't fucking say that shit to me you know but as I started kind of like well there's probably some truth to that let me see you know when really working through that it is an evolution to get there but you have to want to I think well you have to you have to understand that all right look at my life say the first 20 years of my life I had a lot of upheaval and all that you know and it's not that there's fault but I'm saying like you have to realize that is back what you put out but it's close of you everything everything you see in your life is because of you and a lot of people don't want to hear that well I'll reframe that in a way that's more palatable yeah but I like saying it where it's not because then it it makes people it's very boring yeah but I don't want to trigger people on my podcast because you know us CPTS Diers we get enough of that bullshit and I can feel still how people hurt if they don't understand what we mean by that you know what I mean yeah but you got to look at it as like they're choosing to feel hurt well listen mr stoic I'm just talking I'm not saying it's I'm not saying it's easy I'm not saying it's easy I'm not trust me like it's it's gonna wake up anybody you know because I think it has to be like a little bit of a wake up call you know like it that you know like the spiritual journey isn't easy like it's not comfortable it's very uncomfortable like there was times where I thought I was fucking losing my mind you know or like I was trying or whatever yes I was asking my son that like do you think I'm scared to burn it yeah so I mean like I don't know like I think those uncomfortable feeling like you don't look at yourself when you're happy all the time it's you need those you need those uncomfortable feelings yeah you need those uncomfortable feelings to kind of motivate you you know like anger is a motivator you know it's it's fire it's that you know it's not it's gonna wake you up you know so like if you get if somebody's like oh you're this because of yourself you're like what you know it kind of like it makes you really think like you're not gonna think like that if you're not in that space so like what is it about you that you feel like you have to like soften the blow well because I mean most of my podcast is not about spiritual it's about emotional and spirit not really but I mean I think it's the same thing in a way no well I can see how you and I would say that but I think that we are operating on a different system than the people that I'm talking about yeah well because I think like what is really emotion anyway though like to me like I look at emotion is like for me is like my guidance system you know it's like you like if I'm not happy it's because I'm doing something that doesn't resonate with me it's not it's not who I am authentically right like I don't look at like emotion like what that's a level of understanding that people who are still like low deep in their hurt I mean I think I'm talking from like a trauma point of view and you're just talking in general terms yeah but like what what makes you move out of feeling emotion from a perspective of like trauma and feeling emotion in a perspective of like a guidance system you know like what I think like maybe it's an air sign thing or like an Aquarius that I'm an air sign yeah I know I see like I feel like I always use my emotion as like like I worked through it like that was always my goal of like working through it where like I think a lot of people's goal was to not feel it no but like process it like as fast I think I process it as like why am I feeling this you know like I don't I don't sit in it though right you know I actually you know I actually I think that's a very Aquarius trait yeah but I also think like the Scorpio moon thing like why the intensity so there's like there's a conflict with that because I feel like I try to have intense feelings you know but I don't know that you know how to experience feelings yeah if you've spent your whole life processing them then you're not feeling that yeah I mean I'm not disagreeing with you because that's what this whole podcast is about is getting people to understand that yeah no I mean like I try to like I don't I don't it's like I when I talk to my cancer partner it's like you know she likes to like she'll just like sit in it yeah we're we're like back to like something I said earlier is like production like it doesn't feel productive yeah same way yeah he's like what you can control that and I mean his understanding of my trauma now has given him a different perspective but I did the same thing just in a different way I was always overthinking about things and trying very hard to not overthink but I wasn't ever feeling shit I was doing a lot to not feel so now I say it's important to experience it whether it's one minute or five depending on what it is I'm not saying stay in a place for a long time but I am saying let it come in accept it understand it feel it and then release it I don't want to be like bound by my feelings but I've learned now that everything is more harmonious if I'm not spending my whole life in a very masculine energy to try to block feeling to keep myself safe yeah I don't like I don't feel like I ever tried to like block how I'm feeling I feel like I skipped like sitting in it and went right to why am I feeling this yeah but that's just overthinking that's that's what that's what intellectualization of feelings is it's not experiencing the feeling it's thinking about the feeling and and you are a person who very much needs control it of yourself at all times and that means your thoughts your feelings I mean I think that's probably why you're so physically active you want to control your fucking heart rate you know what I mean like yeah some of that is your Scorpio moon and you're right it does make your aquarium much more intense but I think to your point there's space for both in my world emotion and the more metaphysical experiences of life I think for me they're very symbiotic and synergetic like I need both because that's what feeds me is to connect with people on an emotional level and a spiritual level yeah yeah I mean I don't know like I try like when I've been trying this for like the last two years like when I feel something I try to like sit in it as much as I can or I even try to like hold on to it uh-huh well I think where the struggle is it's probably identifying what the actual feeling is because at least that's what my struggle was because I mean I've literally never let myself feel I was always just happy or sad or angry you know angry a lot so I had to learn like I had to get like you know I think the holistic psychologist is whatever like sent me down the the new you know new way whatever shit and I was like oh fuck just learning about trauma was like oh my god there's I'm not just a bad person like I need to fix some shit no worries but the further I've gotten the more I'm like okay this there's a lot here to unpack but I like all of this you know yeah yeah I don't know I'm gonna I want to experience like the broader spectrum and I want to like try to feel that more and because I feel like it would make me even more compassionate because I you know maybe don't connect on that level yeah that's that's been my experience is that learning to identify how wounded I really am and that that's not a weakness to say you know that these are things that happen to me as a child I mean you know like it is what it is and it affected me the way it did and I can hate myself for that or I can learn how to get better and I just I man you really want to check out that finding peace book that that I was talking about learning just about the shadows of shame and being able to identify that I mean like I'm not sitting around like it's it happens and you know I can identify him and whatever but it also gives a lot of really good shit about wounds and like which ones like it will give a checklist there's other like graphics because you know our brains process shit differently and like I didn't realize like I've had so much fucking loss I was in and out of foster care and all kinds of shit and then actual like deaths you know so I didn't realize that while I did a lot of work surrounding like the deaths that happened I didn't address any of the other losses and damn there was a lot of them or even that I I finally could identify like oh this dumbass thing I felt betrayed by that because that gave me that same feeling as when this happened as a kid or the neglect wound you know if I have to deal with a problem on my own I hate that shit and it just it's very sad to me and I'm like overwhelmed with that feeling like I was when I was a kid like man I gotta figure everything out on my own all the time you know yeah so learning which of those wounds was popping up when and what was triggering them super powerful for me because I'm like okay that's that's how I can detach from the emotion now because this isn't happening in real time this version of me is a fucking badass you know like I know my worth I know my value I know my strengths I know my weaknesses when that insecure ass bitch is out that's not me that's this wounded version of me and I can detach from that now because I'm like oh just like I was telling you about you know the whole systematic approach to our fucking scheduling nightmares you know I didn't have to make it that serious but I didn't understand what I was doing it seemed very real to me that he was just a fucking cocksucker who didn't care that it bothered me you know what I mean like yeah like you just don't give a fuck but he does give a lot of fucks about me and it was not personal he's a fucking airhead you know that's who he is and it's not that serious so I mean I can detach from that now because that wounded person doesn't need fulfillment in that area anymore because I can look at her and say hey we got this you know man has no ill intent ever ever so we can be a dick or we can understand that and operate from that place but you have to have a level of awareness to even know you're in the middle of that to even have that conversation with yourself you know a lot of shit happened to me all the time that I just really wasn't aware of you know yeah well I mean this is what you should just talk about like you could feel the energy of you like kind of being who you are and like kind of teaching from your experience and I think like people want to hear like your authentic version of whatever you experience yeah you know and then like what you kind of learn from that experience well that's what that's what I've done on the podcast for sure so I need to just do more of it on TikTok yeah but like TikTok is where you're gonna grow because that's where people are gonna see you more like people don't know about your podcast yet right I don't know is it am I overthinking it I don't know like you know it's like what you want to do like what you want to put out there oh that's so terrifying I would just do it who cares I know I got to get over it yeah so but uh it was fun conversation thanks for your time thank you for coming on thank you for messaging yeah no it's all good all right we'll have a good night you too take care hey what do you say listen first and foremost please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five star rating on whichever platform that you are listening if you want to support the show please rate like and share also like comment and share on any social media post that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok please follow the podcast Facebook emotionally unavailable podcast you can shop my foot online store or schedule a one-on-one with me emotionally unavailable podcast dot org I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling astrology reading and tarot readings and self-publishing services and thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast all right I know that was kind of long but I really liked our conversation didn't want to cut too much so again I will put all of his information in the show notes so I hope he gets some bookings out of this all right until next time let's all just keep swimming emotionally unavailable I and D E P E and cut