Expectation vs. Need <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 42: Great Expectations (Anonymously Unavailable with Jane Doe - Episode 9- Finding Peace Week 2)
Sometimes I fucking will like someone on TikTok that doesn't have like a lot of followers, but I love their content. I'm like, we've been on a podcast and they'll like not respond or whatever. I'm like, yeah, crap, we fucked yourself. Nobody can do it, bitch. You've got to do it yourself. My brain's hateful as fuck to me and everybody else. So like- [Music] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hey dudes, I'm on a walk with Brian and Charlie because our fucking power is out. So this is your intro. Enjoy anonymously unavailable with Jane Jo, week two of Finding Peace. [Music] Oh, pretty. Thank you. I'm a little hot, but I'm also dying of digestion. Ooh, and okay. This has been just the craziest little, like, why are you? Okay, obviously. Okay, then I can tell you what I wrote, like, because I only did the parts that felt super relevant to me because, you know, we've been doing a lot of this shit for a while. So a brush up on core beliefs was good, but I don't think you and I need to go as deep as somebody starting from square one. So I will invite you, that's what the preachers say, to turn to page 68. I had a speaker say that. Am I quite fucking saying it or I'm shutting the book? So these core beliefs, I did like this and Ginny and I actually went through a little bit of this when she was helping me discuss expectations. That episode will air Monday, so it's going to go along beautifully with this. Okay, so they have obviously broken down core beliefs into two categories. The I am not and the I am. I did not really check any of these because, yeah, even past that, you know what I mean? Just for the audience, I'll just say a couple of real big ones that I know for other people are I'm not rich enough and I'm not smart enough or I am unappreciated or I am flawed and broken and or even ugly bat, whatever. Those are, you know, beliefs that some people don't know, they're walking around with. I will say in a more shadow period of my life, I did not realize that I felt flawed and broken. I definitely felt fat. I definitely felt not good enough at anything. Beautiful enough, gifted enough, rich enough, perfect enough, smart enough, you know, any of that. And in the episode, you'll hear me say, some people say this and some people say this, so it's just so great how you can be too much, not too much, all at the same time. Poor Jenny really had a time with me that I'm going to need some her flowers. I was lost. Okay, so then the next page, I did fill out a lot of this because it was easy for me because this is the work I've been doing. So I can just, you know, so I said take the oh, this part I wanted to highlight for the audience because I liked this. When we use an I am message, we generally include an unspoken consequence to our deficits. For example, I'm not smart enough. That's why I didn't get admitted to the program or I'm not skinny enough for my husband. That's why he looks at porn. So what I said was I am too needy, clingy, sensitive, and mean, and that is why I have so much difficulty in relationships. I'm not patient and that's why I'm so mean. I am a failure and that is why I can't keep my house clean or my to-do list caught up. I am fundamentally unlovable and that is why people don't defend me, protect me, or care about me when I'm struggling. Can you identify maybe one I am and one I'm not? I am. Yeah, okay, so let's think about this. I think I have kind of maybe a little bit the same. I am a little bit of a control freak. Okay, yeah. And the consequences of that. I think why what is happening negatively because you're a little bit of a control freak? I think I push other people away and I think that I'm a control freak because I don't trust people to care about me, take care of me, take care of my space, whatever, right? I try to control that and I think it actually makes people never, it affirms my narrative. Sure, but I'm not going to say that. Just because there's actually a whole section on trust coming up and so in that type of thing, I would encourage you to go a little deeper because that's the shit we know because we've done the work. Okay, where were the deficits in your soul before? What were the negative things? You know, the shit your mom made you feel about yourself? Well, so that's the other thing I was going to say. So I'm kind of that same thing where it's like under, you know, just fundamentally on the wall, right? You're such a fucker. Yeah, everything about you's wrong. I really don't know why because I think I'm fabulous. But that's why everybody does trust me true. And if she doesn't know me, no one else is going to. I'm just kind of a thing I heard a lot when I was growing up was basically like, you're not worth the trouble. Like, you know what I mean? Like, this is it, you know, and so it's like, you need to go kind of thing. Yeah, like, this isn't worth. Like, I don't care. Like, you aren't worth this trouble. Like, no, we should be not heard. Get the fuck out of here. Go white women and sisters asses. Like, and my thing was I was like, just like, go somewhere else. Like, so I literally spent so much time not at my house because they really put me there. Yeah, they don't need me there. And just hanging out at school playground all the time. I mean, just like anything, really. And before I was old enough to do that, I was every weekend. Yeah, I remember the first time I didn't go to my grandma's on the weekend. It was in fifth grade. And it was like, I'd never, I had never been at my house on a weekend before. It was fifth grade. Yeah, every. Every Friday night, I think I didn't move back in with my mom and stepped out until I was, it was time to start school. I lived with my grandma and my grandma and my mom's two sisters really kind of just bounced me around and took care of me. Is this your mom's mom? I didn't know this. Yeah. I don't know that. Wow. Yeah. So then when school started, I kind of had to move into the garden. But then as soon as like school was out on Friday, and my stepdad got off work, they literally drove me to my grandma's house and I came back Sunday night every single time. I didn't spend any time that I didn't have to at my house, which was fine with me because I loved my grandma so much. So sweet and precious to me. I mean, yeah, then after that, so it's like very much like, you know, I always felt a little bit like just a thing that my mom used to get favor from other people. Like she would get asked to give her money or my grandma, you know what I mean? Well, because I was saying that because when you first started talking, what I pictured was, yeah, your mom had you so you could tend the farm. It's like she just didn't, you really were of no use to her after a certain point because she could no longer get the things she used to be able to leverage you to get. Right, right. And then as soon as like that's gone, then it was like, okay, like, okay, you know, because I got all these other kids to figure out where to throw me. I just don't know. Right. So I think that's where like, so I always a little bit, I always a little bit feel like too much. I was never the kid that was going to like, tell you you weren't being nice or like, I'm just happy you're letting me be here, you know. Yeah. And so you feel unworthy at your core. Yeah. Okay. Which it's so interesting. It's so interesting because like it, you know, we've done all this stuff and John Doe was saying just a couple nights ago, like laughing at me about saying something and he was like, where is this unending well of just like, self like, just like, you know, you are just like full of optimism. And you think you are the greatest thing ever. And I'm like, I really do. I really do. I don't know what nobody has ever told me that. But I just do, I just believe that's what happens when you learn to get your worth and value from inside and not outside. And I feel that too. I really do. I, I, this version of me, I say at every podcast now, badass bitch. That's what I am. And I believe that. I think I'm gifted, talented, hot, smart. What do you want to say? You know what I mean? And I used to be afraid to say shit like that because I know what the wounded people react. I know how they react when they hear that it triggers the fuck out of them. And that's okay, guys. Be triggered. I mean, I feel you. I used to be that way when, when Jane Doe would be like, we're hot. And I'd be like, well, you're weird. Why you always say that? Like, that's the only thing you care about is how hot you are. But love that. Because I felt ugly. You know, now I'm like, we're so hot. You know, I'm not very hot today. I'm not gonna lie about it. But you know, that's fine. I haven't brushed my teeth in three days. What else? What's okay? What else? That's where my thing is that at the core. I think that. Yeah. And that's the distinction. And this is what I'm about to say about that. So this is what's interesting is, it says now review each of these statements and identify how true you feel they are using a liquor scale. Zero means you feel it's completely false. Seven means you feel it's absolutely true. And yes, I used the word feel here. What I'm asking you to examine is how much your heart believes it to be true. There are times when your logical mind will indicate that something is not true. But because of the tattoo on your heart, your heart believes it anyway. For the rating, we are examining just how much your heart believes it to be true. We are not evaluating the logic of it just yet. And I fucking loved that. Because how many times have I said sister, logical me knows I'm being nice and I can't get out of the fucking spiral because irrational ass bitch has rained herself in and I don't know what to do. So for me, if I were to be very honest with myself, my heart, I would rate I did encompass a lot on that first one because it all is the same thing to me and I didn't need to, for me, I don't need to write I am so many times. But for needy clingy zero, my heart really doesn't even believe that anymore. But I do know it was a belief I had to work through sensitive and mean sensitive to maybe mean, high. I don't even know, like, okay, seven is the highest that they want us to say. I would say higher for mean. It is a, that's my biggest struggle. Because that's the biggest takeaway from my grandma, I think. I'm gonna have to say four or five for that. I'm not patient. And that's why I'm so mean. Four or five. I'm a failure. That's why I can't keep my house clean and my to do list caught up. My heart probably struggles with this one. It's one I've been working on. You know, it's just that perfectionist wound. So two or three. It's the none of these are overwhelming except for mean anymore because this is the work I've been doing. Fundamentally unlovable one or two. You know, that's all the left out like I'm I'm mostly over most of these mean is something probably I'm gonna have to work on because I'm still fucking becoming dysregulated and act like a bitch. So you know, yeah, I got to deal with that shame every time I do it. So what about you? Well, so I will tell you another one for me definitely is going to be the needy thing too. I am needy and I'm one of those people that has to check and like are you upset about something like I know you're not supposed to do that. I know I know all the things. If we get in a fight and you walk away, I'm like a toddler and I think it's done like I am still very needy to my core. And so part of that like I mean in logical like yeah, I got it, but we're not talking about logical. So I feel like a three or four. And I have any reason to feel that way except for, you know, well, I think that the reason you still feel that way is because you have a avoidant partner. So you're not the we're not seeing this modeled, but needing reassurance isn't the same as being needy. And and we're going to get to that and later chapters. I only know that because I just did this book and mostly the whole chart with Ginny when she was giving me free therapy the other day. And so you're going to understand that better at some point. But I do just feel the need to say to you like it's okay to need assurance from anyone. The part where it's like you've maybe stepped over an unhealthy territory is if they offer the reassurance that you need, like you thought you needed it, they gave it to you and then it's still not enough. But like, I think you're past that. I think if if John is like, no, baby, we're good, you know, it's just the things that he knows you need. This shores you in the way that he knows you need. You're fine. And it's okay that you need to ask that. Honey, we went through some real shit. We're going to need assurance from the people who love us our whole fucking lives. The only thing that would be wrong is if you need it and you don't ask for it and expect it and you don't get it. And then you punish, you know. And I know we've done plenty of that too. But okay, what about fundamentally unlovable? I think, again, like logically, like yeah, nothing zero, but like, I mean, sometimes I get pretty like, I got that shame spiral with myself too, because I act out and do stuff. And then I'm like, oh, I probably still give it a one or two leaves me. Yep. I got you. I'm much better. I'm much better. Yeah. Even like five years ago, if you would have like done a scale, I think we've done so much work. But but it's still there a little bit. Maybe just kind of maybe kind of going to be and you got to be in the shadow. It's going to be, you know, it's it's that's why it's so important to learn how to identify these. So they become more of a conscious thought and not an autopilot thought so that when they pop up, we can go, Oh, wow, that's interesting. And look at it very practically and whatever. Now, that's not going to come for a little bit because we're still in the middle of some shit here. We're not done with the big part of things. And so, you know, I'm I'm probably encouraging both of us with that statement. But I think I think we're exactly where we're supposed to be. Honestly, I mean, I was really proud of myself. I was making bereavement calls. One went very long, put me behind schedule. I was supposed to meet with you. And then Bryson has just moved home and does not he hasn't lived here for three years. So he doesn't see the day to day to day. He doesn't understand mom working from home. So I don't know what he thinks I'm doing in my bedroom, but like I'm on the phone for hours and he's knocking on my fucking door repeatedly. I finally opened the door and I see Charlie and I was like, Hey, you know, like visual, you know, like, Hey, you got whoever knew and that got to quit. I shut the door again. It's time for them to get ready to leave for this little trip they're taking. And he's like, Hey, where did you put my clothes when because I surprised him the other day and like finished getting his room unpacked because, you know, it had been a rough couple of days and I'll try to be sweet. And I guess I put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket with the intention of cleaning them. And then, you know, my dog is really old. So I've made little like pallets around the house for him so that wherever he is, he can find a soft place to sleep that and Charlie had made a fort with a bunch of blankets. So all of a sudden, all this shit plus the never ending fucking towels. Okay, all this shit gets piled in my laundry room. Oh, I started bawling because I was like, I'm so tired of this. Like, I can't do this all by myself. And I keep saying it to no end, like the fuck. So I just started washing blankets, starting with the shit that was taken up all the room. Well, Jake cleaned his room. So what did he do? All of his dirty clothes got put in there too. So all of Bryson's are on the very bottom of the pile. He hasn't mentioned a thing about it until today. He's upset because he doesn't have a clean shirt that he wanted to wear. So I'm like deep breathing bitch. I'm not playing. And I was like, okay. And so I just cried in my laundry room for a minute because he was upset. He wasn't being mean, but I could tell he was upset and I just didn't have space for it today. You know, I'm like, okay, let him be upset. No worries, whatever. Well, I go out and I'm, oh, I upset him because I found the fucking clothes after I said, did you look in the dirty clothes? Yeah, I don't see him anywhere. And I said, well, that's a big ass pile. You have to dig. He did not look through the damn pile. So I go in there, immediately find his clothes, right? Only to find that more and more shit's been put in the laundry room. So, you know, I'm crying now. And I'm like, he gave me a little bit of attitude. And I was like, okay, bye bye. And that's what I said. The exactly has said it because I was like, no, we're not doing this. I'm not going to let myself get escalated over this bullshit. So I was trying to give him a minute to be chill. And then I was just going to sweep it under the rug because it's not that serious. But I'm trying to give him like some cash for the trip and whatever. And he's doing the, I can tell he's upset thing. Short answers, mopey kind of voice, whatever. And it pissed me off because I don't have space for him today. I'm very busy. So like, I'm pissed that I'm even having to deal with this because y'all can't just do shit for yourself. I'm trying to be nice. He's not having it. So we finally just like it says, look, I'm not trying to be mean, but I have to express the feeling and I was like, okay. And he's like, I know this probably isn't fair, but it was my assumption that because you took the clothes out of my room that you were going to wash them. And I said, and he's like, and I would have washed them if I had known that, blah, blah, blah, and whatever. But in my heart, I was like, okay. And I go, well, I can understand that makes sense. And I did intend to wash them when I put them in there. And then this and this happened. And he's like, well, that that makes sense. And then he goes, okay, well, I mean, that's fine, mom. No worries, whatever. But I'm upset now, like, because you've now like, the whole time I've been saying, stay present, stay present, stay, don't start the shit where you're like, nobody fucking cares about me, blah, blah, blah, you know, because that's what I do. And I mean, you know, it's easy to get there when you have fucking no help. Okay. And then he goes, do you need to go do your recording? And I was like, no, I had to cancel it. I just started crying. And I was like, I have my own overwhelm and my own shit today. So, and I just started crying, I stopped talking because I didn't want to be mean. And he was like, it's okay, everything's fine. Bob, I'm like, yeah, you it's fine. Now that you got what you needed, you know, like started this, I was working. I did do a good job. I feel comparatively, but it's still really hard for me. So I don't feel great about it. Although everything was fine by the time he left, we recovered, whatever they left, but just feeling that I'm going to lose my shit all the time. I just, I am sick of myself, too. I don't want to be a person who reacts so strongly, but I recorded with this fucking cool ass dude from TikTok last night. Did I tell you about him? No, I mean, you told me there was a TikTok guy, but we've been like, you know, commenting, liking, trying to help each other's accounts or whatever. He reached out and was like, I can be on your podcast. You know, I was like, I'd love that, you know, because sometimes I fucking will like someone on TikTok that doesn't have like a lot of followers, but I love their content. I'm like, we've been on a podcast and they'll like, not respond or whatever. I'm like, okay, we fucked yourself. But we were talking last night and, well, he's an Aquarius like the men that we love. And so it was so good. I can't wait for you to hear it, but he said he asked himself, what, why am I attracting this problem? Like, what, what am I needing to fucking learn? I am bringing this to myself to learn something. So why? And I'm like, okay, that is annoying question, but I like it. So I'm trying to take, you know, responsibility and accountability, like, okay, says understand that the shit's never going to stop. It's always going to be something. And I have got to set a system up. This is where I think we pull from our earth sign energy, you know, like you're a fucking cap rising. I have a stellium in Virgo, which is why I'm a perfectionist, but I'm pulling that energy like the fight that I discuss on Jenny's episode after talking with her and settling down late that night, I was like, okay, if we were to not apply emotion or morality here, what's the solution? I'm like, we just need a better fucking family communication system. Like, let's do this. I proposed the idea of Brian is like, fucking love it. Oh my God. Thank you. You know what I mean? Like we're, we just need to like figure out some systems. And so I've been trying to give Brian tools for how to help. Like, if people are in close proximity, when I'm starting to escalate, you can help by reminding me to go take space. You can help by reminding me this. And I think I am going to go ahead and just put visual reminders around my areas that I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, my car, maybe the kitchen, whatever, you know, because that's where I'm struggling, is remembering how the fuck to back out of the spiral once it starts, because logical me will war with emotional me all mother fucking day. And that's when I finally just use the rebel and say, fuck it, fuck everyone, life, fuck everything, you know what I mean? So the next part emotional me be logical me every time every day. You only have so much bandwidth, honey, we only get so much self control and all of that. So, you know, it gets used up by having to use our fucking, you know, sweet voice with other people. And you know, when it comes to our people, we're taking our shit out on them because we don't have any bandwidth left and they need shit that we can't give them. And I'm so the next part was on trust. The second genre is about the beliefs you have developed about trusting others to help jumpstart your thinking. Here's a list of generalities about others followed by the statement. And therefore, I if one of them I, one of the items in this list fits you check it off and fill in the blanks. So I checked off people cannot be trusted and therefore I cannot be vulnerable. People are unreliable. People are unreliable and therefore I can't trust them to do what they say they will do. Others persecute and therefore I defend myself. Others are undependable and therefore I only have myself. Yeah, I am all of those. I would also add that I cannot trust others to meet my needs. Therefore, I am like 100% self-reliant. And that but also I'm pretty much always going to be that way. Just a little tiny bit of guarding around. Yeah, I mean, I think that's going to be like your big area because of your core wounds and core beliefs. Well, I guess now that I'm thinking about it, I would also say, you know, because I don't like to ask for help because then I'm too much. So that's not really on here, but I don't trust others to meet me, you know what I mean? Like, I'm operating under the ascension. I'm always too much or not enough. So and then it says think about your wound and consider what trust beliefs you have. Write down some of the beliefs that you have based on the wounds you carry. I just wrote down everyone will let me down. Everyone will leave and I only have myself. I think I think that people are generally good and I don't think they mean to let me down. But I also think that like, I'm never going to be anybody's first priority. So I have to be my like, I have to prioritize like my safety. Right. Yeah. And I'm never going to be able to all the way trust somebody. Well, but okay, we're about to get to this. Let me see if that's next so that I don't rush us. That would be my goal. Yep. The next two because I don't think they're that relevant for us. I don't want to waste time on them. I want to skip to page 79. So this is why you're always going to feel that way. The evidence I use to confirm my negative core beliefs are and for us, we set ourselves up for these beliefs by surrounding ourselves with emotionally unavailable people and people with the same wounds as us and we reflect back to them and they reflect back to us. So the struggles that we have in our lives really were invited. If you think about it, in terms of our interpersonal relationships, we did that to ourselves. We engaged in the relationships that we have, both intimate and friend friendships and any dissatisfaction in those are really related to the dissatisfaction in ourselves. And so I just said, I set myself up for failure with everyone. I ask the most unreliable people in my life for help because usually it's they're the people I feel is safest to ask the help for, but I do know not like I can ask my brother for help because I don't mind asking him because I can pay him. You know what I mean? But is my brother reliable? Not even a little bit. And I know that when I ask and yet I'm fucking disappointed every time he fucking, you know, is inconsistent and unreliable. And I didn't fill out anything about the real truth about my negative core beliefs because I already know that. I know that I have intentionally set up my life because I took on people as projects. I tried to save everyone else in order to garner worth and value, but also to ignore the shit inside myself, have expectations without communication and therefore set both of us up for failure. I have lots of evidence because I made sure to confirm all the narratives that were created. So all my narratives are confirmed every time a miscommunication happens. Someone acts like a human, you know, it just is what it is. But I, my hope, I don't want, sorry, my unrealistic expectations. Goddamn, I'm always placing such high expectations for myself. I don't know what to do differently in terms of just the next piece, like harm reduction, right? So I don't want to continue to respond emotionally to things that aren't warranted for the emotion. If somebody does an actual shitty thing to me, that warrants emotional responses. Brian being a human is not emotional. He is not making a decision to fuck me over. He's being a human. And I, that's why I was like, what if we just, okay, what if I just gave him a little bit of forgiveness and grace for that? What would that look like? Okay, it looks like understanding he's a fucking human and we just need a better system, which need to create a system together that he feels will work too. He needs the buy-in, he needs the, you know, communication, he needs to be able to say what he's feeling. And, you know, he was listening to me edit this morning for a little bit, Jenny's episode. And he said, he heard me talking to her about that story. And he said, would, would it be okay when you have time if I kind of tell you what was going on, like, with me when you called me about that? And I was like, yeah, I'm only editing right now because I can't sleep. So what's up? You know, tell me. And he explained everything. And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm sorry. You know, like, I, I only cared about what was going on. And it was valid. I needed that. I needed it real big. So I had to be selfish that day, but can't then hate somebody and feel like they don't love you because you interrupted a pretty big, you know, I called him at the exact wrong time. It's always what always happened for me. But you know, it is what it is. And shit. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if I have the big emotional response to that intentionally to confirm the narrative. I wonder if it's almost manufactured. I wonder if I set him up for it. Now that one, I really don't believe I did because I was doing everything. He's like, one of the things he said was, you only got, I only got about three sentences from you. And I said, I'm going to pause right there because you've trained me to give you as little information as possible, only the most relevant facts, because you get hung up on little details and you can't move past them. So I only gave you the most relevant facts for reasons like fair. You're right. You're right. I mean, it was such a beautiful discussion that we would never have been able to have two months ago, because I would have fucking reacted immediately, shut him down, seeing the pain on his face and then repair from that, but never deal with the issue. So I would say everything I do in life confirms those core beliefs. I think one of the things it's talking about here too is like, okay, the real truth about that. And I think one of the counters to that is a little bit what you just said, like, okay, I had this scenario, I have this belief. Here's the real truth. The real truth is another thing, Brian's there a whole bunch. Brian's not there at the right time. Yeah, you often for somebody, you, Brian, but he is there a lot of the time. And he does, like, it doesn't mean very best every time he does. And he often meets your needs. Yeah. You're often like, Oh, fucking, thank God, Brian was here. Remembering that because you are reactive and you're feeling from a place of like, and I will tell you the other morning, like talking about progress when I was like, so upset because John Doe was leaving and I had to put that furniture together. And I was like, pull. But even then my brain was like, but you just bring this on him at six 30 and you have no idea what I scheduled like, he may not even be able to be here if he wanted to, you know what I mean? Yeah, like the thing that he's like, eh, I'm gonna go do, I'm gonna drink beer like the people on whatever. None of these things, he's not flipping me off for any of those things. And like, that's one of the things that I've tried to work on is giving him the benefit of the doubt. And so maybe that's a thing too, is like, okay, I'm feeling this feeling. If you can also like find a way to get out of your feelings for a second and say like, okay, counter it with the truth. What's the truth? It is true. What's really true? Like that guy picked up when I called, listened to what I said, told me why he couldn't meet my need, reaffirmed that he loved me. You know what I mean? Whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, okay, well, that's really all I could ask of him. So he must care how I feel. He must, if he wanted to, you know, if he could do this, if he could do this, he would. And something that is just like, Brian is not capable of doing some of the things that maybe you want him to do. Right. Well, the problem has been, like, the example that I used with Jenny is like, you know, him forgetting to pick Charlie up from school a couple of times. Which is a big deal. It is a big deal. And so that's, you know, I do feel very reactive and defensive when people make something like that to me, because I'm like, what do you do then when your partner can't even remember to pick up your fucking school? No, I'm not minimizing those things. I'm saying like, they are a big, but there are some things. It's like I said, we just needed a better communication system. And up till now, he has been very resistant to the fact that there might be a technology we could use. Like he's like, my brain doesn't work like that. That's all he ever said in response. I'm like, okay, well, you don't go find a wife that can accommodate your brain because I'm not going to do it anymore. Because I do deserve for my needs to be met. But, Jenny, there is a difference between needs and expectations. And the expectation really is just a bubble you created out of your core belief. Oh my gosh. I do expect him to fill all my wounds up with his love. And you know, not you know, but the wounded version of me. And I was telling him the other day, like this progression that I've had, because to your point, I've done this logical work for a while of blah, blah, blah. I know. But the tattoo on my heart did not fucking allow any of that penetrates. I didn't have these other set of skills. But so used to, I really believe, you know, that you complete me line and Jerry Maguire fucked our entire generation and I'm not kidding. I really thought that it was normal, okay, healthy expectation for your partner to fill every fucking needs you have, and all your wounding is going to be fixed from them, blah, blah, blah. Well, then I realized, okay, I learned, you know, that's not, that's not good. And then I was like, I wall sees my friends for that too. Nobody can do it, bitch. You got to do it yourself. Your friends are there to listen sometimes when you're in the dark or to do a favor for you or what they're not there to prove their fucking undying love for you. They're not there to fix you. They're not there to fill you up from all the things you're lacking from your stupid fucking childhood. That's not what friends are for. And I'm like, okay. Now, that's not to say that my recent frustrations with vulnerability, not being received as well as I would like it. I mean, that's fair. And that's fine. But I do, it's like you said, you just got to counter it with the truth. But see, I don't remember that in the moment, but I did earlier, when I was upset at Bryce, the I'm alone started coming. I was like, stop it, bitch, we don't have time for this today. And so I was like, okay, what's the truth? The truth is I'm overwhelmed. The truth is I'm overwhelmed. The truth is I'm overwhelmed. That's all I just kept saying. And I was like, I'm just overwhelmed. This is going to pass in about 20 minutes, because they're going to leave. And then I'm going to figure the rest of my day out and it's going to be fine. So like, I just slowly was coming out of it. I made an active choice to be out of my room and around them as they were gathering things to help me come out of it, because I'm in my brain. And my brain's hateful as fuck to me and everybody else. So like, it can start. And you know, when hormones are arrived, it doesn't stop. So I was just proud of myself, because I was able to stop. I thought of you too. Because I think that like this part of it, and actually like, I'm going to go through. Yeah, next week, I'm going to go through and I'm going to write all my stuff. And I will too. I would love to talk about like what like some of the tools to kind of feel like, well, I mean, in week three is probably more comprehensive. We can decide if we want to just review the things that we wrote. That chapter, if we can even peek at chapter three, then we'll make that decision then. But if not, no worries, because this is, I don't want to skip everything, because this is a very cool, oriented chapter. And I would like to create even visual reminders of these tools for us. So I think that's a good, a good thing to really review these. So we will start at like page 79 and do all of those. Yeah, those few pages in real detail next week. Yeah, because even listening to your talk was if I'm like, Oh, yeah, me too. No, that's good. Like, I don't know that I even have the words and examples to even think about all of the, I got to think through like, I am jacked up in the following ways. And it's usually like, what are all the things, you know, that make me like, oh, like, no, it's easier if you go back and look at your core wounds and connect to you and then just go through. Okay, that's what I had to do because I'm like, you know, like, I was like, Oh, where does that wound come from? And also because I just did this thing with Jenny where she's like, okay, so what is that? Okay, so what's the core belief attached to that? Okay, so what's the truth about that? She walked me through it. So it was a little easier for me. Because I just had to say these things out loud to her, like, whatever day last week, that I went and recorded with her. And also, you know, in case nobody told you, I'm really proud of you. Well, it's not fun. It's not fun to like dig. I spent a lot of time and drink a lot of alcohol and have a lot of fun. I still like to purposely be like, Hey, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to touch the fire. I'm going to touch the fire. Like, I'm going to burn a damn self so that when it's in, you know, but I love you. I'll be soon. Bye. Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? 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