My lovely cousin, Diana, is back and spittin truth like she do. Enjoy! <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 37: What I Say
And I don't want to wake up in a masculine energy ready to fight the war of emotions with everyone I interact with. Yeah, and if I can fix all the things I hate about myself and you without realizing any of it. But you know, if I can do all that, someone's gonna love me and I might just love myself. And there was all little fucking earth signs, I'm sure they don't get us. I must hate me, baby. Years ago, I'd have been like, "Oh, cry baby, let's go to the hospital." [MUSIC] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. [MUSIC] Hey guys, I hope you like today's episode. It is with fan favorite, my cousin Diana. Gonna keep the intro short because the episode is long, so enjoy. [MUSIC] It is a reboot. Exactly, exactly, and you know what, I think this was supposed to happen. I really do, 'cause that line right there, you know, just need a little reboot. That's what I mean, hold on, let me click this light off behind my head, 'cause I promise you, I don't have a halo. [LAUGH] Yes, you do, my love, Angel, you do. Don't you believe in that for a minute? Um, how the fuck are you doing today, my love? Full moon, baby, full moon, just kicking my motherfucking ass. How about you? I mean, more physically than emotionally, I'm doing okay, but like, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I had the best sleep last night, I've had years. Oh, that's a good sign, I told you it's coming. No, we did this meditation last night. It was called Activating Your Green DNA, which is like connecting with mother earth. God, the roots of who you are. Yeah. It was amazing, and the lady was like, now, don't be alarmed if you seem a little more connected to nature. And if you think trees are like, trying to communicate with you? Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, my word, girl, today I went to band practice. There is this beautiful, gorgeous park on the way with these huge, laurel oaks. Um, jealous, you felt it. See, I've only read about this, it's not an experience I've had yet, yeah. It was amazing, you were like totally believe you. And can I ask you one question, when you were doing the meditation, did they have you like outside, like grounding during? Well, we were not or what? No, we were not, but there is a link where you can go outside and sit on a tree's roots and do that meditation. And there are some people who actually go to the big redwoods and the big steel trees and sit inside of the tree while they're doing it. I bet they do, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I'm jealous, man, because that's, you know, as we move forward, especially with the calf energy, I'm really, I'm looking for some more ways to ground and connect with, with that, I believe all spirituality is connected through nature and earth and whatever. So we like to pull like, I mean, you know, I'm only going to get as woo-woo with people as they're comfortable with, but whenever I say I don't want to call what I want to do in private practice therapy, because if you're open to healing mind, body, and spirit, which you really probably shouldn't come see me if you're not, but, you know, I'm talking about doing weird shit like that, because here's the thing, Diana and everyone else, if you keep doing the same shit, you're complacent shit, you're comfortable shit, you're gonna get the same comfortable place. You always got it. That's results, yep. And I'm here for the radical. I am, and I get it. I get it now, like, I'm doing cults. I get why they are so easily susceptible to, like, the wrong type of strong influence, because I guess you and I probably both didn't realize how much we've been looking for a fucking path that felt so real and authentic to us for so long. But I guess the word I'm hearing is acceptance. I feel accepted by that path. I feel embraced by that path, not like in a weird cult leader way who, you know, of course I love somewhere really long. Yeah, I mean, truly, I'm the fucking leader of this cult. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, I don't have anyone in my cult yet, but, you know, in my mind, I'm just out there, one with the tree, you know, I'm, I'm culting with the forest. I mean, I don't know, like, if you're one with the tree, you're one with all the trees, because all the trees are connected. If you're one with all the trees, you're all connected to the rivers, and then the rivers are connected to the plants, and the plants are connected to the sun, and I fucking love the sun. You know, it's just all of it, and everything just feels so real. And that stuff, that's the stuff I care about. I'm not interested in anything else other than real. I guess the other stuff is so boring now. I am not a materialistic person, but... You worry about financial security, though, right? Well, of course, I mean, everyone is concerned, you know, about, you know, am I going to eat next week? But I'm talking about as far as fashion and stuff that I am. I would just believe in being clean and neat, and presenting yourself on the outside as who you are on the inside. I'm very simple, and I'm trying my damnedest right now to stay really clear on who I am and what I want. Mm-hmm, walking in your own light. Yes, trying to keep away from things I don't want, because I know that that draws those things to me like a freaking magnet. So I'm trying to stay with clarity. Yes, trying to stay really clear about who I know I am, and what I know my truth is. But I keep getting picked up and tripped up, and I keep running into this freaking wall, and it's a brick wall, and it's got this big insignia painted on it, and it says self-worth, and it gets me every time. I know that's where my work is. I'm working with the therapist around it, with spiritual counselor around it, and this didn't happen, you know, in a week with my family or your family. This is a lifetime of crap. Yeah, and the worst part is that we even got better enough to have real conversations about this with them. I mean, I think you had kind of started your past before at least your dad, but you said he had memory care issues, so like, you didn't really get to do anything. You know, that's the part I think about sometimes, but I also know that it took them, like, my people dying for me to even get to this place. But, I mean, honestly, if my mom had not died, she would have destroyed me more than she did, because I was never going to stop hoping, you know, and she was never going to get better long-term, never, because unless she survived to this point, now, my mama, and I believe 100%, she is on my spirit team. Like, I get way too many signs of it, and I just get way too many signs and affirmations of it. So I'm like, all right, what's up, mama? Okay, you know, and that version of her is the version that I connected with as a child, and I think that's the reason that I was able to -- I saw the light inside of her, and I knew -- The possibility. -- it's right to this place, where we've got all this fucking information at our fingertips. Oh, I know. I know she would have -- she cared so much about being better, that I know that she would have taken in this information. The problem is, so many of my views conflict with her religious beliefs that she taught me, so that she probably wouldn't have gotten past, I don't know. I think she would, but you know how big our family is, and they're like, don't do this, and don't do that. Southern Bath is bullshit, but they did. That was part of why Transcendence was losing them. I wouldn't be the same person, but I remember when my mom was in the hospital and was in a coma. We were outside kind of chilling, and I started to pray, and I was like, all right, if she's gonna go and do anything different, you can take her, because I was pregnant with Bryson, and it was already just a little too much. You know, like how you're fucking dying while I'm pregnant. Thank you, Mother. That's so sweet of you. And I know every bit of it was meant to be in that order, because if she had gotten out of prison, like she was supposed to before I had that baby, she had fucked my life up in so many ways, and I was trying to do better, and I wouldn't have been able to do better with her. I've been able to do better with her being on my spirit team. You know, like -- It's good that you recognize that, though. You know? Yeah, and it's weird how I've been able to -- But I think that's because she was sorry here, too. And she was able to say it sometimes, at least. And I know -- Me too was there, too. Right, yeah. I just couldn't go through with the actual -- Yeah, she was just a little fuck up. That's fine. I mean, she had -- I get that a little fucked up in my life. Me, too. And you know what, I want to be a little more of a fuck up, if I'm being honest. I want to lean into my chaos a little bit more, because I should have always been a little more okay with that chaos. But then -- Well, you know, Steven, my ex-husband, he's a laborer. But I don't know how -- Well, he has this ability to be very self-disciplined. Like, he can work every day, set schedule, sit-to-schedule, sit-to-work out routine. Whatever he wants, he can do not. Yeah, and see, I couldn't at that time. And so, honestly, he finished raising me. I mean, if I'm being serious, like -- because I went straight from home to him pretty much. And he's the one who taught me about Oregon. I mean, Gremel was very timely, and I mean, which I'm just no surprise, because she was a Gemini. But, you know, probably because, you know, her mother. Well, she was a product of her environment, too. And that was a totally different world. So you have to -- you have to -- that environment within that. So, yeah, I think it's called a Pergot Cut-Off really, really early. And she -- she's -- You know what, Diana, I would not be surprised if she had more than one air sign in her big three, because here's what I know about her. She disassociated her entire fucking childhood, because she's only got good memories. And when I got old enough -- and you and I have discussed this -- but when I got old enough to start being like, "Your daddy can't be that good. He cannot be the daddy. You're telling me he was, because none of this shit's making sense." And it just got to where I was like, "Oh." And I've said this on recent episodes. The more I discover about myself, the more compassion and forgiveness that I am finding for her. And I'm so happy because I didn't want to feel this way, you know? And I think because I went so long after, you know, being raised by a narcissist, being too afraid to talk about her at all, unless I'm glorifying a light on her, that I have to like -- that's kind of how I do. I do -- you know, I'm a Gemini. So I'm going to do one thing, and I'm a rapid shift all the way 180s. I'll be like, "Fuck you. Oh, hi, I love you." And I hate that about myself, because I'll be like, "That person's toxic. They're out." And then the other side of me is like, "But you know, they blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I don't think so. I think what it is is that attachment. I think it's attachment -- I mean, yes, codependent, but I think it's an anxious attachment or fearful type attachment where you can get to things -- Oh, I just made a disaster. Let me correct. Yes. And it's like, "Oh, and it's -- I'm learning to follow my intuition, no matter what." And clear. You can only hear, you're the only person standing in your way so many times before you're like, "Well, I mean, you're probably wrong. Let me figure that one out." But I want to say this because this is what I was saying. I've forgotten. And it's very rare that a thought pops back up. So I'm going to reverse a little bit. So I lived with Stephen. He was very regimented. That's what he needed to feel safe. You know, structure routine organization. Well, I did too. So that's not something I knew about myself. It's not something I even recognized. But that I guarantee you that's what made me fall in love with him and stay with him for so long because it was so fucking consistent. And I need that so much. But he was five years older than me, too. And I was a baby, you know, and I was really fun. And you know what? He kind of didn't like that about me. He's a very typical Libra male in that they love it. They love my sunshine. They fucking love it. They're magnetized to it. They're so drawn by my light and they get there as fast as they can to try to squash it as quickly as possible. What? Yes, Libra males, I don't know what the fucking problem is, but that is how it always is. They are so attracted to me and everything about me. And then once they get close, it's some sort of threat or something to their safety. I don't know what exactly it is. But well, I think what it is actually is I think Libra more so than Aquarius for me, I think is such a mirror and I'm very threatening to people who aren't willing to look within. It's a toxic combination. I mean, yeah, we're air signs and blah, blah, blah. But the Libra females in my life love this shit out of me and they lift me up. They love my light in a way that feels very accepting. But my light burns the Libra males for some reason. I don't know why, but they do. They've always every last one of them, but they just want to squash me like a bug. And I'm like, I'm glad I recognize it now. But I can't even play pickleball without some fucking mail coming doing some shit. You know, like, I'm like, are you a fucking Libra? I just already fucking know you're a Libra because you want to flirt at the same time that you want to talk some mad shit to me. Get the fuck out of here. I'm playing pickleball, bitch. You know what I mean? I'm really excited about what's to come because, you know, I'm going to ask you this. I'm waiting to have Jenny Kimpton back on to talk about this because well, she don't know this, but she's going to be giving me some therapy for free. But this is the question. This is the one thing. Know how I said, like, I feel like I've worked on the things I'm supposed to. Because listen, I told you I'm expecting Jubilee after tomorrow and I'm serious. Tomorrow is now I'm doing all four of my originals at the same time. And it's going to be beautiful. Let me ask you this. This is the part I got stuck on. It was the only question I wasn't able to answer. And it was, well, I can answer it, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do is the thing. How do you respond when people don't meet your expectations? I know I respond. How do you respond? And I mean the kind of not meeting your expectations that breaks you. Now, there are a lot of factors that go along with that. I know, and that's why we're both so fucked up. Because this is an area we both need to work on. So I'm asking you to ask yourself and answer me. It depends on who it is. Well, okay, I'm talking about very close. Yes, let's start with intimate partner, the person that you are sharing a life with. Let's start there. So here's my question. Because not just with your like wife, but like your very closest people. Because that's where I pushed all of my friends away my entire life. Because the very first time they gave me confirmation that everyone in my life is going to fuck me over or whatever. You know, that was the perception. I pushed them away emotionally and I never tried to connect. Not anymore, but this is where I was. Now, I definitely, if you said you were going to do something and you didn't, you know, a shit like that, if you let me down in any way, I was like, new you would, new you fucking would and I pushed you away. That's what I did with everyone my whole life. So I'm like, well, that's one way that I deal with people not meeting my expectations. And the other is ultimately if I unravel all the bullshit response or reaction that I have to it, I feel like it happened because of course, like you're not meeting my expectations. Who would I'm unworthy? I'm not a good person or I think I think it really brings up the grandma. You're a bad person, mean person kind of shit because I'm like, yeah, that's that's probably fair like because I mean, so, you know, why would you? Why would you be there for me or whatever? You know, those are my things. That's the only thing I can really answer that question with at this stage. Waiting to get therapy from Jenny so she can tell me how I'm posted. You know, what are we supposed to do? I don't know, shit, I mean, and I think through the question, like for somebody else right now, because I look at everything from me first. So therapy, whatever, if I'm giving you therapy, it's only because that's the experience I've had and I know how to navigate and you may do it differently and that's okay and I know that. But I don't know that I personally, I think lots of therapists are wonderful without experiencing something for me personally. That's another reason I don't want to do traditional therapy. I want you and me both in that moment to feel synergetic. I want this to be an energy exchange and I want to walk away change too because I gave you something like from me, you know, that's the type of therapy I want to do and I am okay with that not taking off anytime soon. If that's not the type of therapy that I get to do because that's what I meant for, you know? Anyway, how do you feel like what's your struggles in expectations? I have a very recent example. Okay, let's hear it. So I was never really good at asking for what I needed and what I wanted. In the last few years, I've been learning these different things and learning. How to ask? And so I started asking and asking and asking and I waited and I waited two and a half years and I loved and I loved and I loved and I gave all I had was completely loyal. I was loving, tender, supportive. I gave all I could no matter that I didn't get what I wanted, what I asked for. And I don't mean like, I didn't get what I wanted, little child. I mean, I was begging and I waited a long time. I always honored the commitment I made. Always. But that's how I handle and the reason is I always said I wouldn't want my wife or my brother or my sister or my daddy or my mom or my preacher or minister or anyone else in my life. Right. To have to endure anything from me that I wouldn't want to endure from them. Good for you. Because that's the golden rule, right? That's what I want for in every religion. That's not how I handle it. That's all the same. It has nothing that the golden rule actually has nothing to do with religion. It is everything about equality. Right. Yeah. Well, and so when relationships are equal, expectations are usually an issue. That's a good. Not usually an issue. So are we talking about equality and the social justice thing of you and I are equal mates in this and we both contribute to the ins and outs and what's happening or not happening in our relationship? Or are we really talking about my expectations of someone else? Now, yes, I expected my father to feed me and put clothes on me until it was time for me to move away and take care of myself. And there were times he failed miserably at that. I expected my mother to wash my laundry too. I expected my mother to take care of me like I was a child. And instead, I was the child taking care of my mother. And you know well all about that because it happened with you. It was a plague in our family. Now, younger, I would complain, but now I know that all that crappy, crazy shit assisted me being this squishy, soft, loving person I am right now. Because I refuse to give in. I refuse to let them make me the same way they were. Yeah, I mean, I can see that now. I know the last time that we talked for the podcast that I was talking about how enamored I am with the fact that you can be soft. And I'm learning how to be soft. Yeah, I mean, I'm trying really hard, but I'm also again balanced. You can't be soft with everyone, you know? But you there are time for both energies. There are choice. Yes, you can choose. That's I want it. I want it to be more of a cognitive decision instead of a reaction. Yes. I don't want to wake up in a masculine energy ready to fight the war of emotions with everyone I interact with. Right. And interspaces from a place of openness and receptiveness, you know, like I'm like, what, how can we change each other? Because what if we impacted others lives and I'm able to just accept that whenever you're open, you're open, and I could give you space to be soft and squishy. And whenever you're waking up and you're more, then I could be like, okay, I'll give you a little time to get your growl on this morning. Yeah, you know, we can wonder. Having relationships like that doesn't have the presence to do that, right? Well, yeah, but the people in my life got to have that presence, you know, like, that's not my current reality. I mean, I think Brian is, you know, but you have to understand that I have quite literally surrounded myself with emotionally available unavailable people my whole life, because I needed to be able to fix them as my only like way. That was your outlet. Yeah, I mean, that's what I've done my whole life as people as projects. This is how I'm worthy. But you want to fix all these other people. Yeah, and if I can fix all the things I hate about myself and you without realizing any of it, but you know, if I can do all that, someone's going to love me and I might just love myself, you know, you might be good enough to love yourself. Yeah, I might not feel so sure. Yeah, exactly. So I think when you said that, I was like, ah, and I feel like I've dealt with that the very most this last six months specifically. So I feel the most worthy I have ever felt in my whole life. That's beautiful. Every day that grows, you know, because I'm confirming the good shit now. I used to confirm to myself all the bad shit. I don't let the shadows of shame tell me what a piece of shit I am when I do a human thing anymore. And that's why Jenny Kimpton's changed my life. I keep texting her and telling her that. You two have been the favorite guest on the podcast, just so you know, I get messages about you two all the time. So that's the best. So when you texted me, I was like, divine intervention. Well, I mean, you help me out. I help you out, right? Well, thank God, because I was like, uh, I mean, I could do a solo episode. I wasn't going to stress about it, but I just don't feel good today. So I was not going to go beg anyone either. I was just like, I'm going to throw it out there. Whoever responds is fine. I got a text from Brooks saying, you should find some random girl on Facebook. I'm like, yeah, it would be funny. It'd be hilarious. You know how many people say no, all the fucking time. And I'm not in the mood for a no today. So I'm just going to send it out. And if nobody responds, that's fine. I'm going to sing karaoke's night anyway. So I'm so happy about that. But yeah, the self worth shit, uh, you know, baby, you know, here's what I think. I think you had, because you're 50, like, okay, we're closing out a cycle. What is it? And I'm like, okay. Oh, wow, this is divine intervention. We were supposed to do this. Okay. Oh, I just got this crazy. Oh, okay. In a good way, but it was very mind. That's beautiful. The cycle I'm closing out is self worth because I garnered every ounce of my worth from men if they were attracted to me, but particularly if they wanted to fuck me. Not, you know, not having people want to fuck me was a real big deal. And I was regulating with sex at the time too. Any time of this, any type of dysregulation led me straight to a man's bed because I thought I was just 20, but you know, I, that's how I respond to stimulation is. Yeah, any, any sort of thing that gets my heart rate elevated, even a medication. We're going to be doing dirty shit, you know, I mean, that's who I am as a person, but I didn't understand all that addicted to sex. Do you think? No, because I don't believe in that, but, um, I was just using it. Like abusing it, like any other numbing substance. Any other set, right. Yeah, I was, um, but, you know, it made me feel so much worse afterwards when they kicked me out of bed like an asshole, you know, like, uh, it got to where? I mean, maybe I need to learn how to have a really good job with women instead of falling madly in love with them and kissing them around like a queen or some kind of yada. Listen, I think everybody's got to do a little bit of casual at some point so that you can learn how fast your little brain goes. First of all, let me remind you that there's some science involved in this. When you have an orgasm, you release oxytocin and it makes you fucking love that person. And then you're like, oh, right. So, um, I would say, what if you start out with villains for someone before you ever have even do anything like that? What is that? Different. That's different. Yeah. I mean, I didn't have feelings for most of those people prior to, because I've told you I had a real good time during the divorce crazies, but almost every one of them, I felt something strong after and stayed friends with tons of those people. Yeah, that's what I do. I collect people, you know, um, but, uh, well, I can't let people go easily. I'm doing better. I'm not great because I'm like, it's that anxious attachment thing where I'm like, that could have been a mistake. Like, I can't let them go for sure because like, we're probably supposed to be in each other's lives for some reason. But what we do is we just fast track. It's limerence, Diana. I mean, you get to a place where you're obsessed with them and you need to talk all day every day, not just because that's how we connect because worthiness issues where we're not worthy if they're not responding to you or whatever, you know? And so, you know, the end of this cycle is the end of a crew. It's not, it's the end of that part of my career and I'm moving into a new phase. Like I feel like almost like a new Saturn phase, you know? But well, actually Pluto is finally moving for me. It's been, you know, 10 past per minute. But so I think part of, well, I'm just putting this together too. So I garnered my self-worth from school. That was the first time in college when I started to get straight A's. I was like, oh my God, I'm smart. I'm being so serious because it did not feel smarter. It's almost your stupid all our lives. Yeah, and I mean, I kind of became stupid because I had trauma brain. So I couldn't focus on stupid elementary bullshit, you know? And the teachers were mean as fuck about it. I mean, in some ways, that's why I do believe public education and I don't want to get into this too much. But I do believe public education swung a little too far in where they're not holding people accountable for their actions. But I am so fucking thankful to work with so many people who understand that kids who got their ass beat on the way to school probably not going to learn much that day. Yeah, they probably ain't going to get real far that day. Yeah, and so I do love that so, so much. And that's why I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to let kids know, hey, you know what? You need to sleep, fucking sleep all day. Don't give fuck. You want me to serve your lunch in this classroom? All right. Yeah. What do you mean, man? That's why, like, I stuck to educating them, but they got some life education with me. I know that. Yeah, yeah. Then I didn't have school anymore. I lost my fucking mind because I didn't know who the hell I was outside of Melissa, the student and Melissa, the mother and Melissa, the wife. I didn't have any Melissa as the center of that identity. It was all of those things as the center of my identity. And Melissa, the granddaughter, Melissa, the sister, Melissa only exists to serve others. You know, like, that's the only thing I had. And so then I found men because, you know, not only fucked one person up to that point. So then I was like, oh, Jesus, let's go. Had a good time. Don't regret a damn bit of it. And then I moved into a career. One that I've been so fucking proud of and impactful as fuck. I know that. I do know because I started hospice, right? You know, like, I started applying for jobs at the end of 2008. And got my first hospice job, started it February of 2009. And oh, I did get so much value and worth from that position because I was so fucking good at it. You know, and as people started to see this part of me that I wasn't showing just in the office, you know, like, they go with me or whatever. And I remember my friend Joe, the chaplain, she was telling someone because people have a hard time understanding that I can shift from being very soft and right there with you. And whatever you need. I can be present when I need you. No more. Like, I don't have to be loud all the time. I feel like a baby. Well, I'm like, I mean, I was like, I'm so confused because, oh, y'all aren't air signs, just, you know, being crazy. Okay, whatever. And there was all little fucking earth signs. I'm sure they don't get us. And so they just think we're looning for real. Yeah, well, yeah, they really do. And I, she said to someone in the office one time, she's like, I was just telling Brian the story the other day because I didn't really tell people shit like this because I never wanted anyone to think I was bragging about myself ever because God, yeah, talk good about yourself. I mean, that's right. No, bottle strike you dead for being proud. False pride, thought pride comes before the fall. Heard it every day of my life. It comes before the fall. I said before destruction and a honky spirit before fall. And I'm like, hey, grandma, once you go to your Leo ass grandson and your Leo ass daughter because they got more pride than me. I promise. Anyway, yeah. Well, model. Exactly. She was like, oh, Melissa, she walks in that room and she brings an energy like no other, like she sits there and she makes everyone feel better. Even you as the like hospice person, you're like, okay, I can do this, you know, whatever. And I was like, oh, wow. And at that time, I didn't allow people words to penetrate me because it was too scary. You know, I didn't know that, but I just thought I was uncomfortable with company. But I took that because I was like, I am good at that. And no one ever pointed out real shit like that. You know what I mean? Like, and Joe is a person who can see people and we've lost touch. But she gave me something in that moment, you know, that I'm probably just now even realizing just telling you the story because you hear it differently, you know. But so hospice gave me a steam that even school didn't give me because like, I'm over here changing dying people's lives. And I'm helping their family when they die. Like that's a big fucking deal to me, you know, because I still remember the faces of the nurses that were in the room when my mom died. So I want to be that for people or I did. I don't want to be in that anymore. But, you know, so I got a steam and I got worth and I got whatever. And all of a sudden I'm like, I don't make as much money anymore. And I didn't work, you know, at that job, what am I good at? And, you know, I'm constantly being reaffirmed that I'm like, not a nice person because I was triggered all the fucking time and didn't know it. So that's the world that those people got of me a lot in my personal life. And I don't know shit about shit, so I'm just whatever. And watching particularly the last two years, but I mean, I've been working on this for at least seven now, but yeah, that's been the cycle that I'm closing out is the self-worth thing. And I truly do feel I think that shadows of shame thing with the finding piece. I think that was really the last most biggest important school for me for that part because I'm just realizing anything that tells me that I'm not worthy is a liar. And that's just old messaging and programming. And I can choose what to do with that. And I am making very good choices with it. So it's helped me tremendously and that but this expectations thing is the one thing because I've been trying to balance like my needs with others. I don't want to be a person who only takes obviously, but you know, I've given enough. So I'm going to take my fair fucking share. I'm going to tell you that. But well, because and listen, I'm telling everyone this because I'm saying it more for myself because the more I say it, the more I'm going to do it, I'm not being quiet about anything. And I'm not going to make sure that when I tell you how I feel, that I say it as sweetly as possible. I'm just not. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to say it. However, I have to in the most authentic way at the time. And if I owe an apology afterwards, I'll give it because I'm never going to be to hurt others or disrespect them. But that's going to happen organically sometimes, right? And I'll apologize. I guess for me, I'm wondering, I always use the word allowed, but I've got to quit that. But I don't it's there for a reason. And so that's a piece I'm still working. What I wanted to say was what are we allowed to expect from others? But what is a healthy expectation? What is a healthy level of expectation? What's a healthy response when your expectations aren't met? Because it's one thing, it's one thing when it's just a little, you know, trivial thing, like you didn't take out the trash, even though you did that, that was your job in the house. Quite another to be a pensive or neglectful. Right. Never do the things that you're going to do or whatever. Grinch, partner, the things that trigger me, the worst, never taking my side. You know, me feeling like you don't have my back and consistency reliability. I mean, Brian is never going to be, in some ways, he's the most consistent person ever, because his heart doesn't change and his actions don't change. But that can be a problem because like he's got all three of his big. I mean, flexibility is important. Flexibility is important to me. Right. So, okay. This is a very typical struggle between Gemini's and Libra. So let's pretend we're in a relationship really quickly. Okay. Now, you are a much better communicator via text than most of the Libra's I know. But it's usually a time constraint because you really want to like communicate. You know, so you're like, oh, I'll get to that when I can. They're usually very slow responders in my world. But I mean, well, yeah, but they're usually me and say, you know, how that goes. But that's actually one of my complaints is that I messaged people often. And I'm usually the ones like doing all the messaging and I get these little yes, no answers. And I just sent you a fucking two-page text. And it's sure. Language, but baby, that's your Gemini rising. That's not your Libra. That's your Gemini rising. That's why. Well, the Libra part of me is saying, where's the balance in that? Where's this fair? But they didn't ask for it, right? They didn't ask us to send them all that shit. So, okay, this is so good. This is so good. I think we're getting somewhere. Okay. So that's the point, right? So in some ways, I've learned to manage expectations in like, hey, if I want a friendship with this person, and I know this is who they are, I have to decide, do I want to say- Do I tolerate that? Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? You know what's helped me getting to a place where I don't feel like they're slow responding because it's me. And that is helpful. Yeah. When I finally got to where I'm like, like, someone sent me a screenshot, someone who I was having communication issues with sent me a screenshot of something. And I noticed they had 73 unread texts. Could not be me because the notification alone would kill me. No. Yeah. I had to take notifications for Facebook off my phone. It drove me mad. Well, that's a lot of the reason I will stay in D&D whenever I'm really busy, because it won't show you a single fucking notification. Because if I see a notification, I need to clear it. And that's what people don't understand when they're texting me and invading my life whenever I've set a boundary. Do you know what I mean? Like that's where I'm getting is like, if someone sets a boundary that's different, then you see them on their phone with other people all the time, but then they're not responding to you. Well, then my question becomes then why the fuck am I big in person for that type of attention, friend or whatever? And I know why it's limerence. I need you to love me so that I cannot feel unworthy. You know, like if I can make you see me differently than you're clearly seeing me now, I'm worthy. And I could just quit that bullshit. Because well, it's so hard on you to constantly feel like a piece of shit because the wrong people are treating you wrong. Well, that's duh. You know, I just wondered like if you weren't texting me back, like most of the time, I can, I believe, I mean, you know, I'm still blind to shit. But I really think I'm doing okay with that, like not personalizing it. It can hurt my feelings without it making me feel unworthy of it. You know, like, damn, I wish, wish they'd text me or whatever, you know, most of the time it's not an issue, but there are times. But then, you know, when you get into the big shit, which that one was a big because words, words, I don't even message my sisters anymore. Because they're those shitty ass textures. I messaged them like nine or 10 times for a couple of months. And then they will finally message me back. But are they more? Well, if you call them, will they answer? Oh, that's different. Because like my friend Teresa, shitty ass texture, shitty. But I know if I call her, she gonna pick up. I'm the opposite because of lots of things. I keep note, I keep my phone on silent ever since I had Charlie, because I just, it's something that I've noticed agitates me. So I don't, I don't like the noises. So I'm always on my phone. So I'll see a text that I'm going to realize, because I don't even look at my call log unless I'm going to call someone. And it's so rare that I do. Yeah. Yeah. So I would never, this is to me, it's a thing of respect. If I've been messaging you for two fucking months, and I've looked out for you in every kind of way, every kind of way, the least you could do is answer a text message and say you're alive. I get the disrespect thing because I know how much that was harped on us as children. But is it as much about respect as it is about rejection? Oh, it's a whole lot about rejection. Yeah. I've been rejected so much in every area of my life lately, that I am completely raw in that area. I have been so neglected lately that I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm almost like, I'm scared to even have anyone else in my life because there'll just be one more person that will fucking let me down. No, I was saying that to Jane Doe on the episode for Brian this past Friday, I'm sad and hopeless about relationships in general thinking like I've got two people that I can connect with like this on every plane and also the same communication patterns, the same whatever. And it's so free to say, I feel hurt, which is different than you hurt me. But like I feel hurt. It doesn't make sense. I took them on as projects like everybody else. I want these women. If you're a young woman orbiting in my life, you are not going to be, I'm going to empower you in some kind of way. That's exactly right. Because I'm giving you everything I fucking wish I had at your age, you know, I'm like, girls, you're going to fuck this world up, go out there, be bold, you know, and I'm teaching them. No, they're fucking fierce and badass. And oh, I learned from them too. Because I'm like, yes, you feel so fucking empowered to just go speak your truth. Where I'm like, well, baby, why would you say that? What? Anyway, bitch, I'm no longer accommodating people. Because those are the thoughts I've been telling myself for years. All I've been doing this self health shit for is to learn to accommodate everyone around me. And I'm not doing any more. I'm not doing any more. If I am upset, I'm going to tell you I'm upset. I'm not saying you're an asshole. Earth signs love to fucking pick at you. But yeah, breaking is a tourist. I don't know how you fucking did it because, I mean, I guess because you're a tourist moon, but tourists and Libra probably one of the worst because Libra's are so tender and like more than the other air signs, you're a little more connected with that. We usually aren't. And you are tender. And I think it's because Libra's have that. It was really good at crushing me. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure she was. She probably squashed the shit out of you. You called me around all this. I was taking it because I loved her. And I was kept thinking, I'm going to love her so good one day. And she's going to see how loyal and loving and kind and tender. And then I give her everything and I treat her like a queen. And she's just going to open her heart and share with me and stop hiding and stop being unemotional. Yeah, emotionally unavailable. You know, that's what most people are walking around in as a default state and I get it. But if if I believe that my core purpose on this earth is to shake shit up, I'm going to start shaking shit up. I mean Pluto. Exactly. Thank you for saying that. I've never even thought of that. I was talking to Jake about the exact same thing the other day. He's taught me more than anyone else in my entire life because he's the reason that I had to challenge everything I grew up with because I was not breaking him the way she broke Willie. I wasn't going to do it. And I saw too much resemblance. And now I see Willie in a totally different light too. Oh, I wish he hadn't gotten schizophrenia because God, we'd be changing the world together. But he's different, you know, and he's always been different. And I wasn't going to let it was hard for me. It just got where I shut down and tell me when anything about our life with him because I didn't want judgment and I didn't want people to talk about us and blah, blah, blah, all the shit that I grew up to believe was important. But I wasn't going to let break him either. No one was breaking my baby. It challenged me even with teachers because, you know, as a people pleaser, I needed their teachers to like me because if they didn't like me, they weren't going to like my kids. And that's teachers are human. So when someone's telling you that you're a dick because they're kids behavior, you're going to respond like a dick to the kid. That's just, I'm sorry. But that's how it is. So I didn't want any of that shit happening. But with Jenny, you know, I could not just sit there and let them talk to me the way they were talking to me about the child. That is mine. His third grade, no, his second grade teacher told me she'd never wanted to spank another child that wasn't hers as badly as she wanted to spank him. That's cute that you thought that was appropriate to say to me, I wish I had been a different person because I would have just, you know, gotten real confrontational with her right then. I tattled on her instead. But, you know, like, that was the beginning of, no matter what, I defend you no matter what, you know, like, what no matter who's saying, no matter if you, the thing that they're accusing you of, I'm going to defend your ass. And even when you are the thing, you're going to at least know that, listen, there's been times that I've said to this boy, hey, I'm gonna have to act a different way when we're there, okay? But you know what that is, like, I, because they will not take us seriously, if I don't go in there and present a certain way, and sometimes we got to do things so that we can, you know, get things the way them to beat, you know, and he was like, word, got you. So I mean, something like I ever went in there and, like, talk shit or whatever, but I didn't always go in their guns blazing either if I knew that wasn't going to get us anywhere. But especially his little high school experience, that's been so fun. And, you know, not all that sad that we're wrapping that chapter up in our lives. Because, like, he didn't understand that my entire life revolved around waiting for that day's email text or phone call every day. But all that to say, I understood when all that started, why grandma couldn't take it. And with her limited knowledge of anything emotional, of course, this was her response. And I guess I'm starting to forgive her for fucking willy up because she was fucked up and she didn't need it either. She really just shouldn't have taken us is the thing she should have had some boundaries and understood that just because we're family doesn't mean you have the energy resources or time to take care of us. And you could have just let us know. They didn't know that. No, 40 years ago. Yeah, exactly. And so their parents didn't teach them that. No, they taught them that thicker than water and you take care of us and I'm gonna give you all this energy right now when you're a kid because you're supposed to take care of me when I'm old. Bitch, they meant that shit. They meant that shit. What? People who think it's their responsibility is to take care of their elderly parents. Hey, baby, if they're being toxic as fuck to you, even then you don't have to. You really don't. You really don't. And I won't. I would not. That's the hard part is like nobody in my life has like, you know, been an orphan since they were 22. So I start to get real agitated with them dealing with their parental units because I'm like, just fucking cut them off. Then I don't know what to tell you like. This is not an area that I have like because people like you're so lucky, but I'm like, Oh, I'm lucky that I'm not dealing with parents. I'm lucky they died by the time I was 22. Do you want to listen to yourself really quick and make your face here? But yeah, no, that is all the shit that we learned. And I'm, I'm so thankful because you know what, now that I think about it, Jake was putting my life to shake shit up because I wouldn't have changed in that way. I was forced to learn how to care less about what people thought because I was like, well, me caring about that isn't going to interfere with him getting what he fucking needs. You know, and he's a different child. He really is, but he's so fucking great too. My expectations for the kids changed because of him, you know, I mean, I was growing and I was learning and whatever, but well, I mean, they're intelligent when we get new information, our expectations change everywhere across the board. That's a good point. That is a good point. And I was questioning this expectations thing too, because I'm like, well, I do feel like I'm getting to a very healthy place with my expectations. And I'm just, you know, it's okay to know what you want. And I think, I think, yes, is we were never allowed to have a voice and say what we wanted. And then we hear something like, how do you do when people don't meet your expectations? Well, I don't know, I was never allowed to express to anyone. You didn't meet my expectations and tell them. Right. Yeah, because I was, that was driven from doing that. I shut down because you're not allowed to tell anyone how you feel, because you're not worthy of having a feeling, let alone expressing it. So I just generally shut down the inside the resentment, the level of resentment that I grew for everyone around me. Well, because I was also loving in the way that I was begging to be loved. Everyone, my friends, whoever I was in a relationship with, like begging with my love for them to love me back that way. And I think all of this, this cycle closing and moving into this next phase of my life where I really do feel my own sunlight. And like how just six months ago, I identified more with the moon. And now I feel so connected to the sun, you know, and, and I do want to be a light on myself first. And I want, I want to radiate so much light on myself from within myself that that light gives you your vitamin D, but I don't want to give it all away because I don't know how to give it to myself. So I think honestly expectations, I think I had to place different expectations on myself. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to earn a fucking thing. Like, we're either in this or we're not. And if we're not, that's okay. But I'm going to move on because I'm not going to, and I'm talking friends, Brian, whoever the fuck it is. Like, if that's the case, if we get to a place where consistently, I believe wholeheartedly that I'm doing it right, you know, I'm expressing it or whatever. And it's not being met. And I think it's different too, especially like with Brian, Brian maybe doesn't know all the things that we know, but he really wants to care. And he really wants to understand me. So, you know, so much of that, I feel less fire attached to, you know, like, I'm getting fucking softer with him. And it's kind of scary, but it's kind of nice to, you know, like, I just keep saying I'm just, I'm ready. Like, I don't, strong isn't a compliment to me anymore, because I was forced to be strong. I wouldn't have survived. I mean, quite literally, I've been left in houses by myself without an adult for two weeks. I mean, you know, like, you got to be strong to be a fucking feral cat. So yeah, I was strong. I want to be fucking housebroken. I want to be put in someone's house and spend, and you know, like how those spades domesticate me. I want to, I'm taming me. Yeah, I'm going to cook for you, or domesticate me, but don't tame me. Let me be wild where I need to stay wild. Yes. But that's what I was talking about when we first started this is I want joy. I want, I want a little more chaos, and not the kind that I create from boredom. But you know, even with Josh, I just thought about this, because I've kind of hated him our whole lives. And mostly because grandma kept saying when we were kids, he's fucking hate him, but I'm like, well, I do now because I keep getting in trouble for him. And I keep being told a shit person I am for him. So yeah, I really hate him now. And that just never went away. I just resented the fucking shit out of him our entire lives. And I don't even remember which thing happened recently that made me, oh, the shadows have changed. When I started to recognize that it was this certain shadow just being a dick because I felt, ultimately, I felt like I failed him and that I was responsible for some of the bad choices that he's made mostly because I mean, I know we traumatized the fuck out of him. We were really mean. And you know, as a kid, I mean, I have to forgive myself. I was a kid in survival mode, but I also had a grandma who was a narcissist, pitting us against each other. So I mean, you know, we did. Yeah, I mean, I did what I was supposed to do in that environment. So, but knowing how badly it affected him, it hurts to think about sometimes. And I just feel like we failed him. You know, we as siblings failed him or whatever. So I can't really be around it too much when he's not like in a real good place because triggers the fuck out of me. But it's I now know it's just because it makes me feel lost and it makes me feel rejection and neglect and abandonment and imperfect and like a failure because I didn't fix him, you know. And I'm like, okay, so once I identified that, I'm feeling so much more compassionate and just like excited to him and connect with him and accept him for his limitations. But I feel like you and I both, you tell me if you disagree with this, but I feel like you and I both kind of both started our self health, self growth journeys to learn to accommodate everyone else in our lives. And I don't know that we thought we were doing that. But I believed I was the only one wrong. In all my relationships, I was like, well, they're all bad. It's got to all be me, right? I mean, I'm the common denominator. Now, what else can I do to help, right? How can I fix this mess? I mean, yeah, it's got it. It's, you know, what? I'm sure it's my fault. I don't know how yet, but I know it is. And I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna do whatever I can. And so I was like, let me think. Well, that's what they've taught us. It's always our fault. Were you told that correctly? Can you think of a time that those words actually said to you? Actually, I can think of many times insistent on she was a really heavy blamer. Look at this mess. Look what you haven't done. This wouldn't be like this if you weren't here. Oh, really? This, yeah. And it was to get me to do more because she knew how to get me to do more was to criticize what I had already done. And I would work harder to get what I never got approval. Okay. Okay. And the ad used to do this crazy thing where, no matter what I did, it was never, I never approved myself to. Yeah. It was, it was an entire life all the way up to the year before he died. Really? The year before he died, I went up to take care of his house, and I was, I repaired the floor, the sub floor had rottened out in a couple places. I replaced the floor in a carpet, a linoleum in the living room. And I just do, I went, I took off work. I took my vacation for two weeks. And I used all my vacation time and then took two more weeks off to be abused. He was enough himself that he could still say the same old things he said when I was young. Really? You're a wannabe. You've always been a wannabe. And that's all you'll ever be. The fuck? No matter what you do, just remember, I know the truth about you. I know where you really came from. Oh, they're all narcissists pieces shit then. Okay. Okay. That makes sense. So it was that constant battering. That is battering too. Where you just never, even when you give everything you have and you're exhausted to the core of your bone, the marrow inside your bones is exhausted. Yes, I know feeling feel you raise your head up and muster one more ounce of strength at the possibility that there might be just one tiny ray of hope that they will love you. Yeah. They you want to be loved. And it never happened. One of the most horrible things about my parents dying is that the hope that one day they would accept me and love me would never happen. So I grieved. I think I grieved that harder than I actually grieved their death. I've done a ton of work and I do. I still have work to do. Of course I have work to do. I still have as long as I'm alive, that will be work to do. There will be people to love. There will be vibrations to elevate. God. Yes. There will always be a space for us a time to work. But do you know what else there will always be? There will always be time for us to have fun and laugh with one another. If we make that time, yeah. For us to play music and sing karaoke and dance our asses off. That's right. Always be time for us to find a way to have a little peace, a little harmony, and maybe a whole lot when we want. Yeah. We can make time for a walk in nature, hang out with the trees to go to a circle and have a meditation with women instead of turning on the news and cussing at the tv. All right. And not feeling embarrassed to talk about that. This is one of the things I'm working on it because the only blockages I know about any of my creativity and what I'm afraid to share with the world has to do with spiritual shit. Okay. Like that's that's the only I'm learning. I'm getting to a place where I don't give a fuck. I'm not quite there. I am being very open about my tarot stuff. But I mean, you know, I don't even talk to my own family about some of the woo-woo shit because I get it and it is a little out there sometimes. It is. It is. It is. And I get that. And five years ago, I had been like, okay, baby, let's go to the hospital. But you know, like now, I just I'm not going to be afraid if the motivation behind not talking about something is I'm afraid they're going to judge me. I'm just going to get louder about it. I should have followed my intuition a long time ago about so many things. But I was taught as a child that, you know, I'm stupid and can't be trusted and make bad choices. So that wonder why we can't trust ourselves and to make decisions when we're adults, that's why we don't cut people out of the way. We're like, it's not me. And you and I both started our fucking healing journeys to be able to tolerate our parents better, not to learn how to fucking cut them out of our lives, which is really what we should have done. Like we should have learned where our boundaries were. And like, if you can't be in my life in this capacity, you're killing me and I don't need you in my life. I should have done that in that way. And but actually I think if if I knew this then what no now what I knew then I think a couple I mean we did have a major blow up one time because she wanted me to do something for Willy that I didn't want to do and I was learning boundaries. And I said, Hey, you're not gonna tell me I'm a piece of shit to deal with your own guilt. You want it done but you don't have energy to take care of it. I don't either. And that doesn't mean either of us a piece of shit. Okay, we have a fucking mentally a family member. We can't be his everything. Okay, that's okay. She was living but I think she thought about it afterwards. Now that bitch was never gonna tell me she thought about it because you know I was wrong about everything and I'm too good and she made sure I remembered where I came from too. Don't you worry. Yeah, I never the fuck I came from. I sure do and never never once acted like I was born with a silver spoon shoved up my ass. In fact, I was telling Jane the other day my whole brand has been built on the fact that had a real fucked up childhood and overcame it. What can we do with what we've got? This is what I have to get out of it. And some of those ingredients aren't the best but if I mix them together they make something a little different than if they were to stand alone. Right, like you don't have the right color but you mix these two and now you do. Yes, now you do and that's life. It is. That's life. Notations though. You know what I mean? Like that the way you just spoke of that is a different expectation for life. So maybe it's not maybe what I should be questioning is not my expectations for people but my expectations for myself and life. What would you expect from yourself and this world? You have to expect even from yourself. I mean, that's my point. What if I just said expect to be human and and enjoy and you know, like quit. So my Virgo placements really do. They draw out that perfectionist wound. You know, the sectionist was early the only way I got praise ever. If I didn't know exactly, you know, that's how you that every day that I made my bed because that's something I did every day when I was married before and was a stay at home mom made my bed every day. Why do you think I did that? Because the women in my family said you should and you're not worth shit if you don't, right? So every day I would want to half-ass that job and I would hear grandma pew and grandma both telling me if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. What did you do? Run your life, assholes, like fuck all this shit with us and what the fuck were you doing? But see, that's why our parents said that type of stuff to us because it was the light that threatened them. They saw that we didn't break in a way that they did and they we irritated their spirits. You know what I mean? Like that's the only way to say that because you know this, you know this, but hurt people hurt people. And when they see something in you that they don't feel like they can access within themselves, they have to tear you down. And I guess they just didn't have that thing that says this is my baby and I should not do that. But I guess I probably have repeated so many of those things too if I haven't examined how it affected me because it doesn't matter who it is, child or not, you're going to do the dumb shit you do if you're not examining your motivations and impact, you know? How do like, this is something I don't, and maybe it's the thing where survivors like protect the person that remember what that's called it. But a couple of my siblings, I mean, like, oh, like you're bad. You know, wrong. Yeah. I'm wrong for having the feelings I have. And I don't even care about that. No, I know. I feel worship them because I'm thinking I know the truth. Yeah. Did they have it as badly? I know Billy did, but your sisters, did they have it as badly as you do as you did? No, not on that. Yeah. Right. So, but I mean, almost slipped in a freaking car forever. But you don't think they never remember that. I know. But you know, to them, your parents, see, this is why they were nicer to them too. Some of it's they, you know, you were taking care of everyone also. But, you know, oldest children, they get the brunt of the shit. And but some of why they're able to see those experiences differently than you is because your parents mania at times fueled their mania. So they're like, let's go on an adventure. I'm not going to tell you that I just robbed the fuck out of this house. And we are on the run from the law. What you're going to think is we're on an adventure. And these kids are like lack of responsibility adventure. Fuck yeah. I can't think of anyone I would have rather have this time with today. Honestly, like I'm so grateful for you because physically I've been in a really rough spot because I don't know why this is making me cry, but I cry a lot now, but just cry. You don't have to push. Just let it just cry. I, you know, when I was really depressed, I knew things were wrong physically. And I was hoping that I would just die in my sleep or something. I was purposely not taking care of it. When I knew that there was a problem, and now the problems really showing itself. And I don't know exactly what's wrong because I haven't gone to the doctor yet. But yesterday we were at a water park and I took Charlie and her friend. And it was really scary because I'm having a real heat intolerance. I was in shade. I know this about myself, but the walk from the parking lot up was long because we had a park far away in the sun. My heart hurting from the sun like already because that was the part that it was exposed. And I knew something was around. I mean, it just doesn't happen. What was starting to happen. And it was so scary because I was sitting in the shade and there was these guys. And they just thought I was fucked up. So first the guy, the one guy comes up and I was starting to feel really bad. And he's like, it's your turn. And I was like, what? And he's like, you need to get in the water. I said, I'm good. Thanks. And I'm like having to like dig deep to be ignorant. I'm no. And I think Ryan thought I was overreacting just a little bit because I had to call him and be like, kind of like, yeah. But I'm not stupid. And I knew my ear was popping. Like it's so many things were happening. And I was like, something wrong. And so I'm like, stay coherent, stay coherent, stay coherent. And then he got a friend and came back. And I was like, and I'm up against a little pole trying to figure out what's happening. And I'm like, very close to losing consciousness. And so I made myself stand up, which wasn't good. My heart rate skyrocketed. I didn't know what else to do at this time. And so I was like, Oh, fuck. And this guy's turning on the hey, baby, blah, blah, blah, right? And I'm like, Oh my God, I hate men. So I was like, I'm good. Thanks. And just given every ounce of bitch that I have, right? Well, I didn't actually call Brian. Thankfully, I had texted him on the way out of my driveway. And his fucking phone was messed up yesterday. So all he got from me was, yeah, we'd come to Whitewater. We're going, I'd love it for you to come. And he wasn't receiving any of my messages. And I was sending him messages like I feel threatened. And then physically something's wrong. I'm about to have to go to the medic. At a certain point, I thought I was going to like, Oh, I really thought I was dying. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna be taken out of here by ambulance, because this is not good. I was losing vision, like I was starting to get really black and whatever. And I was kind of like drifting off. And I'd be like, you know, so it was really scary. And Brian, I called Bryson because I was receiving Brian's messages that were saying like, I don't know what's going on with my phone. If you're trying to text me blah, blah, blah. And so I called Bryson and I was like, Hey, is Brian there? And he's like, I don't know what's going on. And I was like, I'm really scared. Something's wrong. But see, because I got bored 15 minutes before everything started, I walked to this little gift shop and I got some little candy and I got a body armor. You know, like it's got all her lights and vitamins and shit. And I drank just a little bit of that on the phone with Bryson. And I said, Brian's here. I saw him walk up. He didn't know where I would see. And so I got off. And then like a little bit more of the body armor and I started to feel like I could see I was I could think I wasn't slurring my words anymore. And I was like, okay, good. We're not gonna die. That's good. So we got there and he helped me cool off because part of it is I was wearing a trucker hat and it was holding all the heat in. Yeah, I sweated all that stuff that helped. But anytime I stood up, syncope, I mean, my heart rate would be and then I'd just almost go out. And I was like, oh, fuck, I really fucked myself. So I'm still feeling physically ick today after that. Even though I came home, cooled down, whatever. And I know like I might have to now deal with all this shit and figure out like whatever happened. And I think it's just like a thyroid thing and maybe an autoimmune thing together that I'm just gonna have to get on a regimen for I also know I was prediabetic the last time. And I really fucked my endocrine system up, you know, like. And I mean, I was trying to really women, I didn't care, you know. So now I'm like, cool, I get to deal with all the consequences of my actions. But I mean, it's fine. I'm 44. Like you've got to deal with your health shit no matter what, you know, you're a little fortunate that I'm about to not have health insurance in two weeks. But that's fine to one of our old hospice medical directors opened up this thing called primary health care. They're probably going near you. It's, uh, they practice medicine the way they used to, like house calls, whatever. They don't really make house calls. They call there instead of the little black bag. They've got the little black phone. Like you can talk to them anytime, day or night, if you need to. Well, yeah. And you just pay a monthly fee. No insurance. You pay a monthly fee and you go anything you need. Like they'll see you. You don't have to pay like anything when you go because you're paying your monthly fee. Their medicine are so cheap. Their lab fees are so cheap. Primary health partners. And I can't wait because Dr. Rickner is going to be on here soon. But it is a beautiful thing. Their labs are so cheap, so fast, so efficient. Like they use the same lab company that I use when I'm paying with insurance. But it's so much faster. Yeah, and cheaper. It's cheaper to not use your insurance. And that's why they're like, they were so fucking tired of dealing with insurance. And that's why I'm not going to deal with insurance with private practice. And I am going to find some sort of affordable way with maybe WhatsApp or something. Like if you can't afford 50 or $100 95 to be with me, then maybe I can do like a $30 WhatsApp for 20 minutes, you know, something something I don't know, or maybe a 15 minute session for 25, you know, like you want to be affordable, but I also. You got to survive. I'm giving a lot of myself in those things. And I'm worth I fucking love primary health partner. And they're they're all good people. Like they're they're they're so good. And all you have to do is be willing to open your heart, open your mind at the top. Mm hmm. And whatever is for you, receive it. And if it's not for you, let it fall to the wayside. Yeah, and you know what? You're everything else in life. I'm not even cutting any of this out. These are beliefs that I've not really been very public with. And so I because I don't want to offend anybody that doesn't believe the way I do, but I will tell you, you sure the fuck don't care when you offend me, you know? Yeah, I have that issue. I had someone right on my Facebook page recently. Honey, if you don't mind me asking what I burn them burn them. Mm hmm. I've just deleted the comment. Yeah. I just I don't even deserve an answer. Exactly. I'm like, I can't I don't have time for that. And I had another person sent me a message that was wondering, um, you know, you're you're doing this now and you're doing this. So how can you blah, blah, blah, blah? I was like, goodbye. I'm so proud of you. Do you know what I did? I, um, I'm gonna keep this in too. I had a friend that I felt like at that point that we were close, you know, we were sharing as much as I share with people. I mean, now I share everything. Sorry, guys, I cry all the time. You know, I've felt close with her as close as I feel to people and we were running buddies and, um, I started to be very triggered by some of her religious beliefs because it was an area of, of child rearing that, I take very very. And, um, I felt that she was providing her son some very toxic information about grief and loss. I was triggered. So, you know, I didn't like, I didn't, I didn't, I wasn't awful or, but I said what I wanted to say where usually I would run when I felt that way because I didn't want to hire anyone. And, you know, I don't want to take up space. That's one of the, you know, wherever I can put in, you know, that's fine. Well, I noticed that our communication kind of stopped after that like a lot. And I was like, that's fine because I can't hear that. I can't hear you say shit like that without being incredibly mad. And, um, you know, I have a belief that you're destroying your child with this information. And I didn't say that to you. So I thought I did pretty well. Well, so long story short, in January, we had a quick conversation about we belonged to the same gym. Um, and, you know, she just had to make sure that she made better the fact that, you know, I still hadn't been even though I joined the gym and whatever. Oh, well, it's the first six fucking episodes of my podcast. No response. I have, I have like on Instagram stories when you respond, it sends them a DM, right? So I've done that several times over since January. Well, you know, more that I was doing all the time, but like what the podcast started in April. So I've been sending her shit where I stopped because I was like, well, she's not responding. So that to me says that, like she doesn't care. Fine. And they were fucking day. I unfollowed her after all this time because I used to be, I couldn't even unfollow people who walked about. Okay. Couldn't unfriend or unfollow scared me. So I was, oh, I was brave. I was so scared. And I was like, unfollow. Well, I think I fucked it up. She's private. So I think I fucked it up and accidentally requested her again. So she knew I unfollowed her. Oh, I don't give a fuck. This bitch sent me a fucking text message with a screenshot of the Instagram post I'd made that day of my flyer advertising myself as a therapist. So excited for you. Blah, blah, blah. Did notice that you had a typo in your name. Blah, blah, blah. I was so fucking, I was like, I couldn't even be mad. Honestly, I was just so like overwhelmed for a second. He sounds like all these months. And so I'm like, so this tells me you don't see podcasting as a worthy like endeavor. You don't see any of the shit I've been doing as a worthy endeavor, but becoming a private practice therapist hits your little spot that says, worthy, blah, blah, blah. I don't give a fuck if you accept me. You're not going to come to me with some fucking bullshit ass. You spelled something wrong. How about if you cared about me, it would just be, I'm proud of you for doing this. Fuck you, bitch. So I responded to her. And I said, I said, Hey, I'm sorry. I said, thank you. I appreciate that. And I have to tell you though, I just unfollowed you today because, you know, I've sent you these things. You didn't respond. I've done this. You didn't respond. And so now to read. Nope, nope, nope. I actually deleted anything that said you I received no response. I blah, blah, blah, right? And I said, so now for me to receive a message to let me know that I've made a clerical error in a post is really hitting some rejection and loss and perfectionist wounds. And I just needed to do that. And she responded like, you know, typically emotionally unavailable person. And she's like, well, I certainly didn't intend for her feelings. And then she's like, you know, I love to see the pictures of your family and blah, blah. I'm like, what does that even mean? What is that? Oh, but you don't want to know about any of the shit I'm doing? Why? So anyway, I didn't respond. And I'm like, however you want to do that, from now on, I don't give a fuck. I don't need people like you in my life. I just don't. The only people that I want in my life. Now granted, I do take current telling me shit like that that I need to correct mistakes a little too seriously. I do. That's probably my Virgo shit telling me, oh, you're not perfect. You got to be perfect, you know, and I'm learning to work on that. I really am because I noticed I do have a very like because several people that was their first response when I sent them the book that I wrote in three hours. I have three small little errors in it. I forgot, rotation mark any small errors in a book you wrote in three hours. That's pretty damn good. Yeah, am I upset about it? Nope. Was I upset that that was the first thing they pointed out? But I'm, but that is because I'm learning to check my intention when I'm sending that shit, you know, like, and I was like, but baby, this one, this one, you didn't, you didn't do this for praise. You did this to hell. So it's okay, you know, you, and I am wanting to, I want those kids to learn that loss, all loss matters. And it's okay to feel like someone died just because they died in your life. It hurts when you lose people. And so that's what I wanted to write about. And so I was like, okay, we don't care about three small errors. I don't know why they care about three small errors, but they do. And that's, that's them. That's not about me, man. And so I do have to get better about that. But I'll accept that shit from people who are also like, thank you, this message is going to help the kids so much. I'll accept you need to make corrections, even though I didn't, I did not, because I didn't want to hold up the publishing process. So when I got that notification on the same exact day that said, Hey, here's your proof. I was like three errors or not. Yep. That's the version we're printing right there. I think I've grown a voice in the last couple years. I have to agree with you. It feels good to have a voice. Yeah. Well, you left a relationship. That right there tells me you found your voice. Yeah. Let me go. Let me go in the other room and shake myself and mold me and chisel away the places you don't like. And then I'll come back and I'll be acceptable. Oh, I'm telling you right now, the only reason I ever started on a self healing journey was one, I didn't want to be a psycho anymore. I don't like how reactive I am. But two was to be able to learn to cope with living with Brian because we're very different. And some of that in my growth, I've learned that I had real healthy, unhealthy expectations for him as a man, as a spouse, as a human. I put, I put his role as a spouse above, far above his role as a human. And I was just looking to him to fill all the shit that my parents didn't give me. You know, so I didn't know any of that. I just thought he was hurting my damn feelings and I needed to learn how to deal with it. You know, thank God I did learn how like what road I needed to be on and all that with him. But I mean, yeah, for a while, I was just trying to accommodate everyone else. Like I was like, Oh, you're, I mean, listen, I'm crazy. I know I am so sensitive. I cannot believe I hurt my feelings when you said something shitty to me friend. I'm so fucking sensitive. Let me go work on that real quick. I mean, that's the shit I've done my whole life was you're right. I internalized all that messaging and I believed it. Now I'm like, we have to internalize it because if we didn't learn to respond and react the way we were supposed to, it could cost us so much. I was talking to Bryson about this and I was like, no, my grandma was a fucking narcissist. And he's like, yeah, did she like make you tend to her emotional needs and stuff? I was like, Bryson, she had no friends because she hated everyone. I was the only person she did. She downloaded all of her shit onto me, me, every family problem. I knew every problem in your family. I was back to my mom because dad would stay gone so long and she would get scared because she was mentally ill herself. Right. She would have me up now. I'm supposed to go to school the next morning. Stay up with her until dad got home from closing the bars down half drunk because she was scared and we would play Monopoly or whatever she wanted to do. If she was in a good mood, now she, which most of the time wasn't in a good mood, I got here every horrible evil thing story over and over and over until the same ones, right? Yes. I love you so big. I love you. I'm so grateful for you and for this conversation. This has been exactly what I needed today and I feel so much better even physically. I'm glad I'm glad you got to talk and open your heart and turn the pages and just flip through and read a line here there and just discover. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. You too. And I'm going to, you know, find joy tonight. So I hope that you do that as well. Maybe since I am. I'm about to go practice for my music tomorrow. Okay. Well, we'll practice one more time. I'm excited. Are you getting a recording for that? I love you. I'll send you. I love you. Okay. Great. I'm so excited. Big love. Bye. Hey, hey, hey. What do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like and share. Also like, comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook, emotionally and available podcast. You can shop my foot online store or schedule a one-on-one with me emotionally and the available podcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings and tarot readings and self-polishing services. And thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast. All right. How'd you like that episode? I know I loved our conversation, so I hope you did too. And until next time, let's all just keep swimming.