Join me in my convo with Guin. Guin is a world changer; mine has certainly been changed. <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 35: Breaking Chains
How can we don't exist to make others feel comfortable? I can't tell her what a piece of shit she is for not needing some societal standard. She gets to give you consent, not me. They love themselves. If we're talking, telling them they're not fucking enough. I mean, I didn't beat my own ass, you know. I didn't abandon myself or anything. It can't be this bad because something's just wrong. I just have to figure out what's going on. Be fucking one with the good energy. That's all I want. This is the only fucking life we get, man. I just don't have room for doubt because this is what I'm here for. Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hi, guys. Today's guest is my friend Gwen. Gwen is someone that I worked with at my last school. Gwen is in a poly relationship, which I would not, like, point out as a point of fact, except for that, I can, Jamie, I love you. But I am not even making fun, but I know that if you listen and you don't quite understand, you're going to be like, wait, someone's going to need to explain this to me. I don't know what we're doing here. So anyway, Eric is the original spouse, and then Randy and Jordan came later. So I think it's rad. So I'm just trying to, you know, make things clear. Gwen is a fucking badass, and you're going to hear that story, and just, I hope, I hope, okay, so we're in listening to this as I was editing. It's funny because we talked for an hour and 40 minutes, and I don't know that we really, like, made a point. We made a lot of different points, and I love that. I let these conversations unfold organically, and I love that. So, you know, I hope that you'll hear Gwen's story and just feel less alone, and, you know, you'll hear me say some weird shit, like always. So one of the things that we touch on in this episode is, like, body image and a brief segment on how that, like, how you impact your child's body image. So if that's a sensitive topic, know that that is brought up. And, you know, I went off on a little tangent, so... And I want you to know that the world needs you, man, and just because you haven't opened your gift yet doesn't mean that you don't have any. Whatever your gift is, it's meaningful and it's powerful, it's divine, and you were meant to share it with the world, and we need it, okay? The world is crazy right now, crazy. And I think everyone's kind of looking for something to hold on to, and for me, I'm holding on to myself and the belief that I am a part of a divine plan on my life, and, you know, I cried today just because of how happy I felt. It felt good to feel happy, and, you know, there's never a shortage of bullshit. Bryson's car got hit right after we got home from vacation. We're dealing with that, dealing with other shit. But, man, I feel so good today, and I'm going to take that win, and I am loving myself more every single day in a way that I've never known, and it's crazy because even right now, while I'm talking, I'm just, like, visualizing this version of myself. I guess standing up to my parents and my grandma and everyone in my life to this point who has betrayed me or neglected me or used me, and I think I think of the way Gwen describes her husband, Eric, defending her, and... This is making me emotional, but I've wanted for someone to defend me my whole life, somebody to take my side, and I think that's where that, you know, needing to be special and chosen that's not just the only thing that causes that wound to open up so big, but it's one of the big components of that wound for me that I've never had anyone care about me. I'm inserting a quick content warning here in the editing process about me talking about physical abuse. I tell the story that was in my book about what happened to me at Bob's house if you've read the book, but just know this is a very heavy story and you may want to just skip the rest of this intro, but if you do choose to stay for the intro and it makes you emotional to hear this story, I would like you to please not tell me how sad it made you because I'm giving you a warning that it can make you sad, but when people say things like that, it just hits that space of I'm too much and for how many times I told my story as a child and got that pity look and nobody wants to be pitied and nobody wants to know how sad their story is. Okay, I'm a fucking badass, don't forget that. My grandma only got us out of the house, I wrote about this in my book, but there was a man who, and I'm not crying because this happened to me, I'm crying about the lack of love in my life, the kind that I really craved. I, my stupid mom, we were doing okay for a little bit over in this house, a little duplex that backed up to the elementary school that we were going to, Northmore Elementary, hello and I don't know how we ended up living with this man who I think was my mom's pimp and one night he really liked to check, he would do bed checks and see if you peed in the bed and if you did, he would get you out of bed, so he woke me up and made me go take a bath and he tried to stand in the room when I was about to get undressed and by this point I had been sexually abused a couple times and I was just not here for it anymore, like I'm old enough to defend myself bitch, even though I was seven and I said no I can undress myself, thank you, I didn't say thank you, I said no I can undress myself and I looked at him like I will fuck you up and I mean I remember being very scared but anyway I took my bath and the only thing I was allowed to put on afterwards was panties he took me to the garage and beat me for a while because of my attitude you know because he didn't get to do what he had actually intended on doing when he took me in that bathroom and I let him beat me with no defense of myself, I mean I'm seven, whatever, until he opened up the attic doors and said okay well you're spending the night up there and so I started to beg him like please don't make me go up there and I said if you won't make me go up there I promise I'll let you beat me for like however long you want and I guess I don't know why but he listened and he didn't make me go up there but he did literally throw me outside and it was so cold and I was standing there in my panties and in the dark and I knew he was about to like come and jump out at me and I was like stealing myself because I was not going to give him that opportunity to show him any amount of fear because by this point I was fucking over people you know like just I had already seen some pretty bad shit and experienced some pretty bad shit and I hated this dude so I wasn't letting him win and so I said or I just stood there and waited for what I knew was to come and he did it he jumped out tried to scare me and I didn't I don't remember now my memory's done really weird shit in the last few years but I don't remember now if I just like gave him a look that communicated like fuck off that didn't scare me or if I actually said like that wasn't scary I doubt I said that but anyway so he hurt me more out in the backyard and I of course said I wouldn't tell but I woke my mother up the second I could tell her what happened and she confronted him knew he was lying did nothing I think what hurts me worse because she was fucked up on drugs what hurts me worse is the only reason my grandma did shit to get us out of there is because of what was happening to other people in the house that I'm not going to get into because they're not my stories to tell so uh yeah okay that got very deep sorry but those are those are the feelings that I've had forever and I think feeling myself heal those things on my own I think that's really what's bringing this feeling of joy and peace you know and I do believe that we have like all of us have this opportunity to heal ourselves and to forgive and I am learning to forgive in a way that I didn't know I was going to be able to so I'm so grateful for that and I want that for everybody you just have to hold on because we only get this one life guys this is it this is the only chance we get I mean even if you believe in reincarnation which I kind of do but uh I'm not going to know about that you know like this this body that I'm in right now this is the only chance I get to live in this body and I can't help it I fucking when I die I do want to be remembered not just as a person who survived a bunch of shit because I don't give a fuck about being strong anymore I don't care that I am strong I don't want to be strong I don't think it's fair that I had to be strong what I care about is showing others how to live their best fucking life how to pull that dark out of you and release it and call your fucking energy back because you're the only one who gets to do that and you are the only one who gets to choose where that energy goes and you know who ought to get your energy first you okay well I do believe that that's probably enough for today because the episode itself is long thank you as always for listening fucking love you guys dude I'm so uh it's a good day I hope if you're not having a good day I really hope something that you heard today in any of the things that I or Gwen say I mean I just I'm here okay and I'm holding you and if there's something that I can do you know if I have the energy or time or resources energy and time are pretty low right now but if I can I'm going to help you so the most important part is for you to begin to help yourself and let go let go of that royal who gives you permission to blame everybody else now listen baby I know there are people who deserve your blame but they're not the reason that right now you aren't making the choice to heal okay I mean that with every ounce of love in my body so I love you and thank you for listening and I hope that you just hear my heart and I hope you feel connected because I certainly do and I can't wait to see where this thing goes because I already know we're gonna we're gonna change the world guys all right enjoy what's up girl hey I'm shoving shit in my mouth real quick ah you're good now that I've swallowed all my Doritos and I mean I'm not gonna lie do you have a little tiny piece talking like I can't do it I was gonna say if you need drinks of water Randy brought me some water because I came in frantically okay so I feel like on a scale from one to five that I personally would call you at least a four on the emotionally available scale what do you think I think probably like between three and four yeah because I try I try pretty hard but we really do what is your bubble with emotional like which part is your struggle which part of sharing hmm I feel guilty but I think it's like that's still something that I'm working through is like I feel guilty for having the emotions that I have oh yeah me too because that was like the primary thing that I was taught to feel and I was actually talking to one of my friends this morning and I was like you know it's really interesting because like I cry a lot more now than I do but I used to like hate myself anytime I'd cry and I realized it's because I felt like I was losing agency within my body because I couldn't control that reaction right would you would you have called yourself avoidant like it like a like a in relationships even yeah kind of okay because I was just especially more like five years ago yeah okay then I can't even picture you like that but people don't know that about me either if I don't tell them so yeah because we're both so open about our trauma and so I think that that's why I thought I was emotionally available I thought I was a real emotional person that I felt that it literally was such a fucking surprise to me to be like well what's what's emotionally available that right I mean I'm supposed to be able to talk about this to someone else yeah and I told myself about it yeah but something I said on an intro to one of the earlier podcast was that dismissive avoidance to main like premises or whatever is that they have to be able to control every emotion or lack thereof make sure they feel nothing because that to them is a strength and a good thing yeah the other thing was well shit who knows but I was like oh my god first of all that's so fucking Brian before the podcast and me yeah if you listen to this coming up Friday's episode I talk about what a psycho I was to him on our vacation and I like actually was like crying my ass off while like talking about the shame I feel about it and I'm first especially with friend I don't fucking cry in front of people I just don't not even favor like I liked having people around because I knew damn well it would make me stay and check in labor you know what I mean I remember telling my friend Jamie because she was in the in the room with Charlie and I said uh yeah no I don't really like to be vulnerable in front of people and she's like well I mean if that like if you don't want me to be there I was like oh no no I meant that as a good thing like it's gonna help me yes you're gonna help me keep accountability for not being emotional yep it's been very weird to cry so much and for a while I was it was deep and achy and whatever and it was because I was so fucking lost and I said a billion times but if I don't go psycho I'm just gonna cry you know like because I have to get it out one way or another and if I'm not in a place to be able to cry then you won't get some verbal abuse I'm gonna get a little bit grumpy really fast it's just I started to realize after this vacation like okay I have a very parental view of intimate relationships and I am very much he is my parents to me and not in an authoritative way not in a way he's the only one that can hit some of these wounds the way they're hit you know and no fucking unintentionally you know but I also think that's because before all the education that I've received in trauma and I just didn't understand him I had all these unreasonable expectations and some of them were reasonable and none of them were met and so the whole underlying unreliable, undependable kind of thing that's a real for me to where I've been like okay all the emotional shit's getting a lot better but if that doesn't get better like that's kind of the most important part for me because I'm gonna be able to depend on you and you know for somebody who didn't ever depend on anyone not even his parents and so he's never been let down a day in his life because he just decided he was gonna be let down by everybody so you know yeah it's who he is you know like he goes and he doesn't think about including me and shit because he's independent you know yeah I don't think it personally anymore I really don't because I get it now I get this is the way you fucking operate and these are the things you did to keep yourself safe and his tea is different than my tea but it's there and he was wounded you know yeah I do love his perspective on things he does not hold any sort of anger or whatever he's just like you know it is what it is and they were doing their best and they didn't know he's the oldest you know yeah anyway I have a question for you it occurred to me that I don't really know shit about your story I know that you've lost your mother I don't know how much you want to share about anything but I would love to hear more about your background so I grew up in the same house my whole life my parents were married they were high school sweethearts but both of my parents have like kind of really messed like they had a lot of trauma you know when you think about it like my dad's mom was 19 when she had him in the early 60s and yeah and his dad was an alcoholic and abusive and then so you know she's like I'm gonna be independent I'm gonna get out of here someone like that again and then when she left that guy she started dating the guy who I grew up with as my grandpa but they left my dad here and he was still like he hadn't finished high school so my dad still has never finished high school my mom was adopted by her mom and dad but she was adopted and then her first adopted dad like dipped out and then so my grandpa had to fight for her for like 10 years to be able to adopt her but because yeah but because of that my mom had like this concept that nobody wanted her except for my dad so like she had it deeply ingrained in her you know and so I was kind of raised because I'm oldest and I just have one day and have it all yep yep and so it was very different my dad until I had my period basically treated me like his son yes let's work on the cars let's do the fence stuff and all of that is stuff that like was the norm for me and then my parents always like they were very not emotionally available and they were not supportive of each other like especially when I look back and think about things my mom would say or my dad would say it's like they were perfect for each other in the ways that they were not perfect for each other like they're super fucking toxic people who could match that level of tons yes I remember growing up and my mom being like well I just want to make a good home because we both came from broken homes and I'm like you know what a great home is you know and sometimes a good home is a broken home yes the good home is one then to live in one yes and it's like it wouldn't it be better to have two happy homes than one that makes me not want to be alive yeah I know but you know because you're just being not right for honey because you had it so much better than maybe it I know and so my parents my mom was like she just smoked and drank a little bit of my dad's an addict so oh really what's his thing yeah um he's had problems with like pills but also alcohol when I was really little he smoked like six packs a day like I'm not even kidding yeah well does he have some like serious mental illness shit in his family um because that sounds very like skitsoid and that's what I was about to say I'm pretty sure um we found it later on the medications he's on or to treats schizophrenia but he never like told my mom my mom would pick up the prescriptions and I remember like going over there one day as an adult and being like you know that these are for this right and she didn't believe me but it's something that I had started suspecting around the time like my grandma passed away so so my dad was like super devoted to my grandma whenever my grandma passed away let's see it was in I was about 12 so he was about 42 okay mm-hmm and so I had stopped drinking as much because he my grandma had cancer for five years so mm-hmm and like he was super dedicated to my grandma to the point that he stopped working didn't take care of himself at all yeah well he would drive down to Texas and donate blood for my grandma for like he'd be gone for two or three months so my mom worked at the school as a cafeteria worker so that was like when I was in middle school that all that was going on he was going back and forth you said he was donating blood for how long um on and off for about like he'd go down there and stay in Texas for about three months at a time but it was like um one to two times a year that he would do it and like towards the end it started being like he'd be down there for a month come back for a couple weeks be down there for a month come back for you know a couple weeks and he was just going back and forth because she was doing chemo and she was just so sick and he really thought that that's what you know that was the right thing that he was supposed to be doing is like taking care of his mom because he's talking to a dependent his buck yes and he wanted to please her so bad you know like yeah he was in her lab yep and so when my grandma passed away the guy who was like his dad it was like the guy who was like an older person that kind of guided him once my grandma left him here yeah um we called him grandpa Johnny but he was an older black man and he lived with us most of my younger life until i was about seven or eight he moved out and uh we'd still go visit him all the time but he passed away within a month of my grandma oh that's awful uh-huh so my dad started drinking again smoking again and then he started like back into pills really bad and my mom had no idea about the pills she had no no clue because we talked about it actually once i was an adult and i was like did you know about this and she was like no i'm like uh y'all were very dysfunctional but my dad yeah yeah so it was pretty rough my dad once i once i was a girl decided to kind of like i don't really want much to do with you because you're really your mom yeah so he got really upset i was actually talking to Jordan about it the other day when i was in sixth grade it was before my grandma had passed away we were going to like a holiday party and my mom was taking too long to get ready and it's something that would make my dad flip out and he like started cussing and calling her names and i was like dad you said you shouldn't we should never let somebody talk to us like that so why are you talking about my mom that way he's like get out of the car and so from that point on when we went back after christmas my dad basically ostracized me after that he made me start going to work with my mom he was just a fucking dismissive avoidant wow dispensations for me sorry that's too much mm-hmm and so i started going to work with my mom i would go there at 6 30 you know just sit in the cafeteria for three hours until school started uh so god we didn't have to deal with me uh yeah so that was you know i'm just so surprised you have bad self-esteem honey right it's great it's a lot better now than it used to be i used to really not like myself my mom has basically been depressed like my whole life the reason why that she's gone she had been diagnosed about eight years ago with an aneurysm in her abdomen and they found it because she'd got hurt at work and they didn't x-ray and they could see that it was enlarged because she also had a lot of plaque built up so she she worked in at that point she worked in a special education classroom because my junior year of high school she injured her shoulder and she went on like working's comp which that was a huge thing because there my mom not have a job when my dad doesn't ever keep one so she got injured at work um a student in a wheelchair had pushed her into a it was like an electronical chair yeah into a bookshelf and so she had to go get x-rays done of her abdomen to make sure nothing was broken and when they found it that's the only reason they found it so i was actually pregnant with vivi whenever that whole thing happened and vivi is eight now so i had to take my mom told those doctors and vatsa and she was supposed to be going to get it checked regularly but i think she was so scared of it that she didn't go and right around the time she was passing away mind you my dad's been telling me he's going to die since i was like 11 because his his grandpa died at 42 his dad died at 52 yeah by that 61 so he he's been convinced that he was going to die since i was a kid he's been telling me like when i die this is how you get all the information this is how you'll get the money like all that stuff that's what he's been telling me so my dad had like a big surgery right before um he had to have some fusion done in his neck so like they had to like cut both sides um and my mom was taking care of him to try to get like the recovery stuff done and then insurance came out on their house because they were having like some problems and we're like if you don't take care of these things we're going to cut you off of the house insurance so my dad had just had the surgery he didn't do anything and my mom has that problem and my mom's like just super stressed out and she kind of stopped talking to me around that time and like she was just stressed yeah because she was so stressed out so she hadn't really talked to me for about a month we live five walks apart by the way uh-huh so i get a call from my mom's best friend and i was like a year before i graduated with my degree and i'm going in to do one of my first clinicals at Roosevelt and i'm like why is she calling me i don't understand and then i get a text message this is my mom's best friend not my sister or my dad it says it's not going to be long and i'm like oh i don't i don't know what that means like are you saying and then my dad texts me well your mom's dead okay wait you didn't even know your mom was in the hospital they no they weren't trying to call me it was my mom's friend and then i didn't have my sister's number because we hadn't talked to each other so i didn't realize that that's who was trying to call me so no clue i really didn't how long prior like from the stroke to her calling you um her best friend actually tried to call me right away but i was in like working with the students at the time there was like no yeah that was like right when it started happening but my sister was there to pick up my mom um she had a stroke but she didn't have like a band or anything that said she had the aneurysm and they did CPR oh okay so you know that's kind of what happened you can already fucking things that didn't have to happen my god yeah and my dad's like super money motivated he's like super greedy about stuff like that oh i know yeah they took my mom's ashes from from even though i paid for everything um so that's the thing they knew that though they went and picked it up from the funeral home that was mother and then what they do they they just let them because we had old wind there and sat in even though i was the one who gave the money and everything and signed all the paperwork they were like well you're next to kin here you go so that's not even true in the state of her quaoma your next up kin is not your spouse four reasons like that your children are your next up kin so i mean please remember that yeah so yeah it's like a whole thing he tried to file her retirement benefits without including us um and they were so they were still married oh yeah they made it so actually no actually when i was 18 my dad left oh cute uh-huh so my dad left he went down to Texas didn't tell us where he was going i read some brand really yeah yeah yeah so his his sister lived there that's how we found out where he was going his sister called my mom and was like hey do you know how far he is and we're like we didn't even know where he was going we just thought he was going out i thought he was going to get milk yeah so we had had bought door locks to re-change the like front door and i was working really late at night so we went ahead and changed them while he was out of town put a key for him in the mailbox and he thought that we were trying to kick him out so he went ate shit and then he left like got a burner phone didn't talk to my mom for about six months um until he crashed his car because he was drunk and it was in her name so they called her of course and then you know she lied to the insurance for him because she thought that's the right thing to do so like during all this eric who's my kid's dad he and i were about to get her own apartment because i was 18 you know we were planning on moving in july and my dad left on like june i'm gonna get her wrong i didn't know that yeah we have we've been together um eric and i have been friends since i was in sixth grade and he was in eighth grade so we've known each other for a long time yeah he's pretty good most of the time so my dad left like june 20th to go out and july first was when we were supposed to move out so then my mom's like i don't know how i'm gonna pay everything i know how i'm gonna take care of your sister and so she kind of guilted me into staying so that we would pay like we paid half of all the bills for a while glad during that time so my oldest he's 14 now who my my best friend at the time it's not the same person anymore because there's a whole thing with that her mom and my mom were friends and my mom had told her that she was about to kick me out so that my dad can move back in and if you live there yep because uh uh yeah it was like a whole thing so like i'm so sorry because i don't usually a get this emotionally invested in other people's lives now i'm emotionally available and so you know it's hard to stop but i don't like your dad very much dude i'm sorry i really don't no he's not great oh it gets better like it's worse because i'm sorry i'm fucking sure for two almost three years after my dad moved back in if i was there or if i was coming by he would leave the house and literally drive around the block until i left and is this because he still believed you had tried to change the locks and not give him yes he thinks it's all my fault he's blaming me for everything like my whole life he's blamed me for all of the problems i'm not surprised to hear this and also i mean my grandma was the same way like yeah she could not i mean nothing was her fault and now i understand what that is because i do it too so now i know why but yeah so it does give me compassion but at the same that's this me the person responding or reacting i should say is not this me and the educated it is the person who's been hurt deeply by dumb shit you know yes i have to be very careful not to let myself go into that other state uh-huh well and that's the thing is it's so easy you know like i don't know if you've heard any of you know the episodes i've done with jane doe but that was one of the first things was like oh you just have to stay really present then you're being triggered yes that's what that is that hurt and that whatever when someone's telling you that you've hurt them you're just being triggered you're going off into a memory you have to maybe stay right there and hear everything and so the same thing when communicating and that was actually one of the only things that i heard school counselors receive like a decent tidbit of information about was in the retelling of a story you know and how bad the trauma is depending on how fast they disassociate into a memory and that you it's very indicative of sexual abuse if you mention anything about family and you see their eyes shift yeah association and they're there and good because people need to know that and once i started to realize how much trauma i had and the things i needed to do to recover from that i was like oh that that checks out actually because i do that too i guess i did not realize that your parents were together in that whole time yeah boy howdy you know let's pause i'm so serious right now i want people to hear what they're doing to their kids when they stay married in a past relationship and i'm please hear me when i say i'm not talking about you can't get out of an abusive relationship okay i'm not i'm not talking about that i get that this isn't me shaming anyone this is for i'm not going to label it um the people i'm thinking you know who would never get a divorce and blah blah divorces the devil blah blah blah blah let me tell you what you know what's the devil abuse and you know use uh your child and i mean listen i'm talking about myself too you know because i'm a dick and brine should have left me a long-ass time ago but like your child is suffering every fucking time you act like that with each other you know and i don't feel as like i don't it's the same i'm causing the same trauma but i'm i'm i'm at least saying hey i'm fucking trying man like i'm i'm doing my best and this is where this comes from and now that i can be emotionally available i can say this is the wound yes this is how you hit it and i'm so sorry that wasn't you my child reacting to you and you know i'm i'm able to explain all of those things so i mean i i don't want to act like i'm better than anyone but i'm not staying in a marriage for stupid shit you know what i mean it's not like that though we would be fine probably if i wasn't like such a fucking reactive ass you know like i need i just need to get better that but we're not like both dealing with that and you know whatever now that he's understanding me not even an issue he's just like okay which is like uh you're triggered now let's do let me step away for a second yeah i mean the vacation was different because we were trapped in a car for a lot of hours and i know you know people have to understand that if you don't fucking get sleep and you have an issue with your nervous system like i do you don't get to control it that's not it yeah i needed space from every fucking person in my family not because i was mad at them yeah but every last thing was killing me man i was so fucking agitated and you know and i know like when i'm really agitated all the time like that i have to say there's a feeling here i'm not acknowledging and i'm probably in this fucking moment talking to you for the first time acknowledging what happened and i was very tired yes and i know i can't do a schedule because if you give me a schedule i'm going to make sure we stick to it because that's where the fuck am and i can't help it so i'm like just be cool right it was a really tricky feeling to betray myself in that way and um i was already on edge about that i know who i am i i mean i've done real psycho shit to people off no sleep and i don't want to be that person you know and so i was really upset like real pissed immediately i was it triggered my neglect wound bone and out on a plan for me is you have to fucking mean what you say and say what you mean with me i i'll prefer some fucking emotional unavailability from you if that means that the words that come out of your fucking mouth are true you know what i'm saying and i'm pretty but don't say you're going to do something and then just flat not do it and that's that's when i say unreliable and undependable about ryan that's what i'm talking about and it is one of my biggest triggers but everything doesn't know what it feels like to sit and wait for somebody to fucking come see you when they said they were going to see you you know what i mean yes doesn't know what it feels like for your mom to say she's going to quit doing this bullshit and then never change you know yes that's the thing is i'm like hey you're not bad you're not bad at all in fact you're fucking wonderful but you might just be bad for me because uh i don't know if it's something i can fix or not but it's kind of something i'm not willing to at this you know so anyway i can't i don't even know what's called it like i'm i'm basically girl interrupted you know just like in the middle of a floor just crying my ass off i'm about to be daisy up in this bitch like fuck all y'all i mean i did flip out because also all of my belongings got soaking wet oh my god that's awful uh again because ryan didn't listen to me but yeah it was all of those things that day it was just hitting it over and over and over and over that same fucking wound that same one yes and also that space where my grandma just murdered me with the comparison between me and josh you know like uh just me and everyone like she acted like i was the literal worst person first and i'm like i'm so fucking nice man what the fuck like why are you doing this dude yes yes i wish to god i had actually said it like i wish i knew everything i know now because i would not have hatred for her because i would just say hey you're a bitch straight up this is go get your shit together this is fucked up you know like what if if i oh huh i would never now uh uh no but i mean i know how to go to that to get to hear but what if so it was all that so this unreliable wound and so i think too that's what i'm hearing when you talk and i'm like uh huh and i fucking argue this is just the fuck these people yeah my that's yeah my dad was pretty pretty rough uh so after that point like he came back he wouldn't see me wouldn't talk to me anything he didn't talk to me again until my grandma passed away my mom's mom that was the last grandparent that i had because my grandpa passed away mom my parents were split up so my mom's dad passed away my parents could have gone while your mom lost her dad yeah well also my dad was like well it's about time and like finally and like all kinds of terrible things so like mom now that you think i found her dad yeah like now we don't have to deal with him anymore but my grandpa hated my dad from this time that's his baby and you're being mean to her yeah exactly like i remember being a kid and if we were gone for more than 30 minutes my dad would call and be like where are you your dad's a narcissist yes he definitely is and then eric and i because i'm like why is he trying to talk to me now he hasn't tried to talk to me all this time eric and i figured out it's probably because he's like he thought never work through something yeah either that or because there's no more grandparents who's dying next my parents oh you know but no yeah he probably did think we were getting something but my grandma was like actually schizophrenic and bipolar and she lived in a home most of my life far away well that makes it checks out for your dad then if there was like oh no that was your that's my mom's adopted mom yeah oh my gosh you're poor mom yeah so yeah she was raised by uh her mom with your name my mom yeah and Nancy yeah so that was my mom her her parents were a mess they got divorced when she was like she had just married my dad when her parents got divorced so her brother and her kind of weren't close after that because her brother was like don't be with him he's terrible and you know my mom didn't listen well and that's what abusive men do too is isolate you from your family yeah and well everyone thought my dad was so nice too like it's always like you know they're farmers yeah yeah so Vlad was about four when my dad actually started talking to me so the first birthday party that my dad ever came to it was when we first bought our house so in 2015 eric's mom and stuck dad walked in and i'm like realizing oh y'all've never been in the same place at the same time and i was like i need to introduce you because i'm like trying to be the perfect fucking host is you know mom and that dad to your dad yeah okay yeah so this is eric's mom biological mom and stepdad because he's got some bullshit too and they walk in and his stepdad makes this weird face and that's what makes me go oh i need to introduce y'all and i go this is my dad and my dad goes hey David and David goes hey Cole and i was like oh fuck you know my dad from the bar you didn't even know i was his kid because my dad's bar and persona doesn't have children or a wife so my dad party with eric stepdad and mom as a character version of himself a character version of himself yep oh shit yeah so we found that out when Vlad was five so that was that was interesting you were like it's you know what honey that's fine not a surprise at all that this doesn't need to be awkward it's okay yeah i i was like six degrees of separation this is this is yeah yeah you know it's like y'all just knew each other this whole time well that would be a real tough thing to learn yeah yeah it was really interesting so after that everything was this being pretty normal my dad would only show up for like 10 to 15 minutes at the very beginning of something and then leave and be like make sure you'd get your mom home like he would even come back and pick her up even though we lived five blocks apart holy shit i actually bought a bigger car so i could pick up my mom and fit her in the power with us to go do stuff because my mom would go to do everything because she didn't want to miss stuff with the kids you know yeah my dad didn't care about it but he didn't want we were kids either came back around when your grandmother passed yeah for me and so i was about let's see 22 or 23 at that point okay okay your mom was still alive yeah my mom was still alive okay and so then what fucking happened to where he now is not telling you that your mother had a stroke at work well he already had like some kind of oppositions to me once i started dating more than just eric oh he was like yeah was he super like religious it's so weird because like he studied a lot of different bibles when i was young and he had them always there but he wasn't really religious until after he came back probably schizophrenia yeah yes and i really i really do think because the medication combination he was on and a lot of the symptoms he has i really feel like that's what it is is that he probably has even even just skits so typical and skits away can can exhibit with some of those things and just from having a schizophrenic brother i can i mean when you said six packs a day i'm like no nobody does that if they're schizophrenic nobody yeah well then the other thing about that is my dad's dad died because he got throat cancer from drinking and smoking so i mean he probably had something similar i mean hey well first of all you know they're learning more and more that you can fuck up your DNA enough with that shit that you pass that shit down yes the trauma that passes through crazy you know i mean now it makes so much sense about like my pregnancy with jake and my pregnancy with charlie but you know so there's that factor but then also just when you ingest enough toxins which any of those things are if you're confused at a high rate it's gonna fuck your brain up i mean i understand and you know a therapist told someone i know and i was like yeah that's true that makes that makes sense she was like they were talking about you know schizophrenia of being in the jeans or whatever and she was like well sure meth can make people schizophrenic but like how many people are in the world abusing the fuck out of meth and not schizophrenic so like yeah the genetics matter you know yes i think about that a lot um my kids are starting to think about it more well like thinking about it too even when my dad wasn't smoking or drinking he still was doing addictive behaviors because oh absolutely i mean that that dude's got it makes me sad too you know i mean when you think about the things that had to have happened to him i'm thinking chronic physical possible sexual abuse by two yeah because you don't get to that without it you know and it's easy to think you said he was born in 62 61 yeah 61 my mom was born in 62 but it hurts me to think about i don't know if you've listened to the episodes that i've had with jenny kimpton but we talk about people who identify as sex addicts i'm gonna say this i might cut it but i i kind of don't believe in that i know i don't believe there's a thing that is sex addiction i guess it's very it's very easy to think that what i'm saying that you're just used to using sex to regulate yes and i get it that's what all abuse of anything is but i i i am not saying sex addiction isn't a thing because i'm saying that doesn't give the accountability i'm not judging the person i mean shit i have thought that about myself you know so not that i was a sex addict because i was like that i don't know i just don't think so but you know definitely i was like oh i have to completely use sex to regulate yeah i mean that's not the only thing i use sex for but like there was a time when i didn't garner any worth outside of whether or not you wanted to fuck me when i was in my 20s you know i read a lot of cosmos because i was determined see this is how this is how i knew i had a problem all i thought about was sex before i decided to lose my virginity i was trying to wait for jesus you know like i was trying so hard yeah i was trying so hard to save myself but like i was wanting to fuck it like you know 12 so i waited a long time i mean truth be told actually shit listen i want people to know this because shame dies in safe spaces okay so i mean i was sexually abused a few times at a very young age so i'm quite sure that drove all of this piece um but i think i was like fucking eight years old and there was a girl close the street and a girl down the street they were both a year younger than me uh it made me feel like such a pedophile but i bitch i would fucking trick them into playing a little like hump each other getting like you know me being the humper you know i was caught two times by my grandmother now one time was a sleepover and we were all super into it you know we were into the shit so that was fine i don't have any shame ever that one but you know forcing girls oh it's not funny but it's the only thing i can do to like live with myself so oh she was livid you know what i mean why are you fucking doing this you know and i'm like i literally was like i'm eight years old because i was molested yeah i said that shit this is like are you fucking kidding me like what do you think i'm gonna make the dolls hump in front of the social worker doesn't mean i haven't tried to say the words anyway yep yes uh i mean i was wanting to fuck my whole life okay and it didn't uh kissing scenes on lifetime i was like i was like you know but masturbation wasn't even oh it was okay if the boys did in fact we just make lots of jokes about it totally normal whatever one fucking time this bitch walks in my room i wasn't really even doing anything my hands were just down my pants i turned my blanket and she said missy shame on you uh you're like what i was like oh i knew i was a whore you're like hey straight oh my god you're so horrible but i mean 18 happened and i was like okay well now i drink and smoke we're gonna fuck yeah no then i lost my virginity and you know uh but prior to that right before i was reading cosmo i mean that's like teenager porn bro yeah because i was determined that when i did fuck i was gonna be the best okay i asked my friends about shit like that and they're like no i didn't i didn't really like oh you didn't get all your self-worth over how good you were in bed that's weird hmm yeah i was just talking to my friend today about how like that's like a big old confidence boost whenever people are like hey and you're like hey yep i talked about that well it was like oh it was a thing like i know i'm amazing this weird energy shift that's it's it's just spiritual you know what i mean it's like it's really not ego it's just like i attract yes that's real too when i started like not seeking and like starting to attract things there was a lot of things that i did not want to attract in my dreams uh but i see i've always well probably because i was seeking you know back in the nizzy but it hurt my damn feelings that the only people that would hit on me were like the you know what the fuck you heard a chance that is insulting you know like and whenever i met brian and told him about that he was like well i mean that's it's a numbers game with those guys because that wasn't about you they're just they have to get a hundred no's to get a yes i'm like okay thank you for that that makes me feel a little bit better well the fucking tick-tock dms oh my god like please stop a lot of them are bots but some of oh my god this dude i wish i could quickly pull this up i was sending the shit to lily and danielle because i was fucking dying but the first message he sends is one of fuck i just swiped and deleted no big and then he comes back like six hours later after he's stalked all of my videos and said he says i've been hurt too that's why i you know said that i was avoiding or some shit i'm dying he's like consistent for probably 48 hours every four to six hours sending like a hay beautiful and i'm like wow this is kind of scary like because it was actually i mean you could tell it was a real person because that's one of the people that has gotten the bots you know but like i'm like oh my god there are creepy people out there dude there are there are a lot of creepy people out there and there's people that do shady stuff too oh my god for real but you know what i someone who did i i would probably take talk you know i'd be living on take talk someone i take talk was like i recall my energy to anyone that has it that i don't want to have like and sometimes when i get in my feelings about some shit i got a bit oh what i'm like i'm like i'm recalling my energy like when i do like i feel it come back you know like i feel it inches and it feels like you go down yeah it's like you have all those threads out at everything now i'll just come back yeah i feel whole person you know yeah well what's your relationship with your dad like now um so i haven't actually talked to him in about either a year or maybe it might be almost two years now whenever he found out i changed my name because he found out i changed my name because he tried to like take the money and it was right around when i was starting to work for okay cps and stuff too your mom's money yeah the money from like her retirement because if you work for okay cps you get like eighteen thousand dollars of retirement no matter what um so that death benefit was going to be getting paid out and my dad was trying to get all the money well he tried to claim everything and then like uh we had to redo the paperwork because of my name change but when we had to redo the paperwork they sent all three of us a thing with like the explanation of everything that had happened so far so it basically said on this date Chris that's my dad's real name contacted us and tried to get this money we have to do this blah blah blah and so it was like a whole thing and he out of nowhere we all have it yeah i could see every single interaction that he tried to do before so like out of nowhere one day he just messaged me and it was like right at the beginning of it was the first class of the semester that i student taught so yeah it's been about two years he messaged me and he said like some off the wall stuff and then he didn't talk to me until like around when the money came in which looked like three months after that and he was like well i hear that your life's a whole mess and you changed your name to get rid of me because my middle name used to have it was Christine and i changed it um i changed my entire name in 2021 yeah yeah a little bit before my mom passed away so i changed my name in august my court date was august 26th and my mom passed away in november of that year so that's how my dad found out that my mom wouldn't let me tell him which was a common theme like growing up like we weren't allowed to tell our dad stuff we got to keep it a secret it's like one of our big things now is if there's an adult that's telling our kids to keep a secret they're not a safe adult and the kids know even if the parents in the house do that that they need to come but none of us do that because that's all of our rule you know but that was something that i realized got me in a lot of trouble like in situations i couldn't get out of because i didn't have anybody to help me you know right yeah because you need to process this but you if i can't tell dad i can't tell anyone yeah exactly so it's like i don't have anyone to talk to but uh i have had a best friend since i was in first grade so michael and i have been best for instance we were really young so he's kind of like my brother his dad actually passed away three weeks before my mom so it's already in a real rough spot when my mom passed away too so that was not fun well and that was so traumatic too yeah it was a really traumatic economy that you experienced my god that's next level yeah i mean i would say it's similar to how i lost my dad but yeah i don't know if i've ever told you but i used to be about 400 pounds i've ever talked about okay you haven't really talked a lot about it but you you did tell me once yeah well i i had really bad depression in like ptsd and i have pmdd also which obviously i have ptsd with all the things but i was one of the big things that i've tried to do as a parent is like make sure my kids get experiences out in the world because growing up poor that's not something that we've really got to do so we try to pick something different or something new that we can go do and i planned a whole trip to go out to corpus christy and we took the kids and we went to the u_s_s_ lexington museum uh-huh it's like an old uh navy ship you can go in and stuff and we had walked around the whole talk and i was just so tired and i didn't think i'd be able to like make it up and down but really narrow stairways and i was like eric just take the kids like it'll be fine don't worry about it and he sat down next to me and he was like you're going to be devastated if you don't do this you are never going to forgive yourself if you miss doing this with the kids because i know you and i know how important this was to you he said so we can go as slow as you need but i'm not going to let you sit up here by yourself hi my god and so he did and after that i started working towards like healing my relationship with food and like making sure i didn't eat because like i was always kind of bigger and i got bullied a lot for that but i was really really bullied by my parents about it even though they were both bigger people too because that's what we do the things we hate in ourselves we project on to others and people don't know it you know like your parents were the age of my parents and it was not just allowed it was encouraged to give your child an eating disorder yes i mean the shame if your kid was fat that was worst thing you could be yes and that's crazy to me you know thinking about it oh my god well that's the thing is that i made a commitment when i had charlie that i would never talk about my body disparagingly mm-hmm i don't talk about bodies at all in front of or to her at all yeah Bryson didn't get that kind of childhood for me because i didn't understand this and so you know he's i'm constantly having to be like you know because he's like having calories and shit and i'm like people who are fooling themselves when they say i'm just teaching them nutritional facts no your kid doesn't need to know how many calories are in anything you can disagree with me all day long because it's impossible to not imprint on your child that something is wrong if you aren't perfect if you are non-stop talking shit about yourself yeah or other people because of their bodies now i mean and i've talked about this a lot lately but it's uh it's been tricky because this he likes the crop tops and shit you know yeah so i'm always like that's fine uh and it's very difficult for me just so you know but i'm like okay that's fine um but you know that you can't like wear that out yeah like i'm like you know like school's got a dress code and stuff that violates the dress code thing yeah i don't know what i'm going to do when the dress code doesn't matter i mean i'm i do know what i'm going to do but it's not going to be easy i don't like it at all but i have to keep reminding myself that we are the one sexualizing so i do not matter what my daughter growing up thinking there's a fucking thing wrong with having a body no matter what it looks like or ever for one fucking second think her body is here for anyone else's pleasure yeah not by sight not by feel nothing that is y'all and i'm i'm people you know act like i'm some like left-wing extremist over some of the shit that i you know i'm teaching her like with uh if you don't want to say thank you to a stranger who calls you pretty you look at them like they're fucking stupid all day i don't give a fuck yeah for the compliment if you feel safe to say thank you say it if you don't you fucking do whatever you want we're gonna be fucking because we don't exist to make others feel comfortable no that's not my fucking purpose and if if i want her to listen to her intuition about who is and isn't safe for her then i have to give her the opportunity to use it i can't tell her what a piece of shit she is for not needing some societal standard old people i'm so sorry that you can't get with the times but the thing she gets to give you consent not me yeah yes i don't give a fuck who that offends yes this is her body and she gets to do whatever the fuck she wants with it it's not mine her hair is her hair everything about her she owns yes i'm not i just how can they love themselves it's working on telling them they're not fucking enough yeah or like oh yeah yeah yeah i'm like man what a sad waste of life that we've given our children to in part any kind of like dumb ass standard about what the fuck you look like yeah that that we've wasted any amount of time i mean i really haven't because i mean i've been pretty free thinking about that for you know their whole childhood i mean i fucked about another waste of trust but you know i mean i did hold them to other stupid ass standards like you know well people can't know you know when what's going on whoo i was just talking to Lamy i think mmm might have been jando we have a thing i don't know if you had this probably because your mom you know was emotionally unavailable but we have a thing where we're like oh my god i think they're talking about me like not really anymore we're not like that but that was one of the like paranoia's and the things we cared a lot about like people can't know don't oh my god you can't tell anyone they're not you know yeah that's what i fucking love learning about the shadows of shame because now i can identify what each of those things are and i'm like okay that's just my politician you know my politician shows up to that they keep me safe because dhs isn't going to come and take me away you know don't know things and thank you um i'm a grown up now and so i don't need your ass right now thank you you know like this now that i can identify it it's so great because i'm like i'm not crazy this is normal and uh it's not me man because this person sitting here doesn't give a fuck about any of that shit and i don't want my fucking kids to and i'm referring that Bryson's the only one who got it because he's the oldest but i my repair with him is to i have to give a lot in this weird like mold because he has to want to receive it and so i feel like the last little blockages are about to go you know like i i think i mean i am fine but you know i i did not traumatize myself so but when i realized i mean fucking gary vaynerjack of all people gary v you know that is uh uh uh fucking motivational speaker or some shit okay he i saw some TED talk he did or something that was like dah fucking kids yourself you want your kids to go to college and do that because you want to be able to say your kid did that that's all that's the only fucking reason yes i was like um that's actually true shit you know and so that was kind of like my beginning into i mean very little able to like start to disseminate between like what's normal or healthy or whatever more appropriate and what's just the bullshit you were taught you know and and i'm like oh no i mean like we were laughing one day like saying we we guilted and shamed intentionally because we were like well i guess that's all you do because i mean it worked for us and we're real motivated and yeah um are you motivated or are you trying real hard to get loved but yeah you can answer that i guess i guess i have the benefit of the fact that i love to learn this type of stuff right like this is my passion so it's easy for me to take in and digest all of this information every single day and the people that don't hear me i know that there's a part of them that would love to understand but they can't like sit through the shit i have to sit through to learn this you know and and they don't understand too because they haven't learned to identify their trauma yeah they're still in that i'm not going to blame my parents for my decisions you know what i mean and i'm like oh my i'm not blaming anyone for choices i've made but you know what i will tell you my triggers aren't a choice yeah they're not and i will blame them for those i sure the fuck will yeah because they're the ones who created them in me yeah i mean i didn't beat my own ass you know i mean i didn't abandon myself or anything so i'm gonna guess there really isn't any accountability for me to take in that you know yeah like i was a child what was it i was to do when did you realize like the shit you grew up wasn't normal and also that probably the way you dealt with things wasn't normal and you and you started to shift so actually i started realizing around like probably junior year like this campy normal um because a lot of the things i was experiencing um i started doing college when i was still in high school too um but i had a teacher who she had a daughter that was a year older than me and she was my biology teacher miss haney she was the teacher that i trusted and so i would like go and talk to her about things it was like one of the nights my dad had like flipped out took my doors off the door handle like in like one of the things he would scream is i never wanted you your mom used you to trap me because you know you got a you got to be there for for that offspring you made that whole thing so i kind of talked to her and when i was a senior so she she was my teacher basically i had her freshman year sophomore year junior year so senior year i only had piano and choir like advanced choir because i was doing like classes at no triple c but we did like an open house night like they do you know at the schools and i thought that with me so that he could see like some of his old teachers and it was a chance for me to go up and be like hey i'm still here i just i'm never here at the school and she was like you're breaking out of the cycle and i was like what do you need and she was like i know eric eric's a good person for you and everyone i've seen you date before this has not been a good person for you and so that kind of made me like step back and think about it and then my mom did not like that i was dating eric because she wanted me to like go back with the guy that i was dating before who acted just like my dad so she actually got really upset with me when i started dating eric mm-hmm but eric has always been like you're not going to mess with him because he he has his own traumas but it's kind of like he doesn't care if he hurts other people's feelings as long as mine are safe yeah so yeah so that was like he would say stuff to my mom and says you're not be like oh shit okay well thank you i had to feel so fucking good to finally have someone be on your side dude yes yes i can't even imagine what that would feel like yeah like because i was doing the college and stuff and eric had his own apartment at that point we didn't have internet at home so he like got internet at his house or at his apartment so i could come and do my homework and not have to be at the library because you know there's only a limited amount of time yeah laptop and when my when my family finally got internet we only had one computer and my dad would change my password so that i could eat it you know he he would write riddles for me to try to figure out what my password was and if i could figure it out so eric started letting me take his laptop home my dad has always been like pretty respectful to eric even though my mom like doesn't really like him but i think it's because he knows from my mom telling him like eric won't let you say anything yeah like eric will tell you get out of my house go so it's sweet i love that yeah so he's been like he went let his own family push me around either like he's like nope i chose to be your husband i have to make sure that your needs are met first so he's always tried to be you know and we were really young when we got together so we didn't really understand a lot of the emotional stuff so we've had conflicts and stuff like we almost broke up in 2017 which is how i like ended up dating rainy in jordan but like we all work together now we all live together and it's you know we've all kind of figured it out for ourselves so now i have three people who are always on my side you know that must be nice yeah do you go to therapy or what um i actually i did a lot of introspection and i thought a lot from all about self-healing yeah yeah no it was like trying to figure out and then a lot of it was actually like trying to figure out why are my parents so fucked up uh is this going to be something that i have to deal with because they're real fucked up how fucked up am i gonna i don't want to do this yeah yes and so like i'm not feeling like i didn't think i'd make it to 30 you know and so that's one of the things like there were a lot of times where i was like oh if i just die it'll be fine i'm like i'm really glad i made it to here you know like me too so grateful because i've i've done a lot of things you know and yeah that's why people people don't know you just hold on there does come a day it gets better and you you will always remember what those days felt like yes so grateful for this new life and i know in my darkest days it would be very hard for me to hear that but it did help to tell myself because i knew there was going to be light at some point it can't be this bad because something's just wrong i just have to figure out what's going on you know i got to figure out what peace is missing and i feel like more and more and more coming together yeah and you know i'm starting that book group about finding peace and did i already talk to you about the whole like lost thing like i told you about the foster parent huh oh okay i must have been Suzanne i was talking to you earlier uh we've started like kind of browsing through the front of the book just happened to catch this he does um a checklist for each core wound and i happened to see the lost wound and i was like damn uh yeah i've lost a lot of stuff not just dead parents and shit you know like i've lost so much that i have never been allowed to grieve you know and this was literally just yesterday and this is what i'm talking about it's every day something shifts in my brain and i'm like okay i love it bring it on i i'm down i want everyone looks your father you know like i i want i want to be fucking one with the good energy that's all i want you know and i don't want to stand in my own motherfucking way anymore i just yes i want to go onward and upward and i want to take every fucking person who wants to go with me because this is the only fucking life we get man and i just spent a whole fucking seven years of my fucking life not happy yeah because i had so much fucking ego that i would not quit that fucking job the first year that first day i knew i made a giant mistake but i was like well i got into out everybody so i mean right you're like i gotta keep doing this and then i switched schools all the time because i was just like i mean surely it's gonna get better right no it fucking didn't but worse and worse because i wasn't supposed to be there anymore you know this and now i'm like uh uh i just don't have room for doubt because this is what i'm here for i know that i i see it i know what's coming and i know we are so fucking strong together and and i it's sad to me how many women are out there just dying on the inside because we're still allowing the voices all around us to fucking drown us yeah that's the thing that's why i went off on the tangent about charlie and the the children is because outside this house no shortage of bullshit no shortage of somebody wanting to make you feel like shit because they feel like shit and they want help and they want love and they don't know how to fucking ask for it you know okay if i can help somebody change their paradigm to where their kid is not that asshole to my fucking kid hey why that's where i'm at that's the road i'm on so i i just don't understand this lack of desire for growth yeah you know sometimes i'm like well jinsey um boundaries are good yes boundaries are good time boundaries are very good there's a difference between a time boundary and um laken out on somebody you know yes yes there are and that's annoying to me but other than that these muck fuckers they're my people you know they're they're gonna annihilate all of these old bastards yes and that's the thing is i'm not making allowances for that's how they were raised or they're just old i don't give a fuck no i don't fucking care be a good person they're saying you can orbit a different space and not mine because i don't fucking make allowances for assholes so no get the fuck out don't care it's sad because i mean it doesn't have to keep happening you know like i got i got on this road of understanding trauma from fucking instagram i happen to see somebody's post who i like fucking couldn't get enough of you know and i was like wait what i'm not i'm not just a terrible person i i don't know fuck yeah jami tell me more about how i might just be nice right i might just have trauma in the right circumstances yeah exactly so i don't know i i just want to take a second to really just appreciate how much love and care that you have given me because i have really needed it so very happy to be so much happier but you know during very very unhappy times you were very safe in the time that i really did not feel safe so i really appreciate that and i know that you are so safe for so many people and the world is just so lucky to have you oh thank you yeah okay i've kept you an hour and 41 minutes you know i want to finish my chips yeah all right love you love you i'll talk to you again bye hey hey what do you say listen first and foremost please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening if you want to support the show please rate like and share also like comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on instagram or facebook or tick-tock please follow the podcast facebook emotionally and available podcast you can shop my foot online store or schedule a one-on-one with me emotionally unavailable podcast.org i'm offering what i'm calling non-traditional counseling astrology readings and tarot readings and self-publishing services and thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast all right i hope you liked that episode with gwen i know i did and i'm going to keep this short except to say this is probably something i'm going to do for a lot of the closings now i'm kind of like just a collective like intuition about somebody who's in the audience and i just feel like there's somebody looking for answers really on you're on some sort of journey of self discovery and you're getting a lot of conflicting messages and i think you may be headed in the wrong direction and i think that i think that this is like leo energy okay like false pride is keeping you going on this path kind of like how you heard me say i should have quit teaching like that first week false pride kept me on that path and i had started my journey of enlightenment then and i mean i again i know there's a divine path on my life so i'm okay with the decisions i've made but i think it's important to know why i've made them and so i think now it's time for you to to get out of your own way you don't understand that you're the only person that has you in chains and you're almost there man pull yourself out you got this and if i can help let me okay all right dudes i guess that's it so till next time let's all just keep swimming I-N-D-E-P-E and CUT.