Laynie and I discuss emotional reactivity <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 31: Reactive
I just don't want to anymore, but I also don't want to be a little bitch. The reason I don't say anything is because if I do, I'm getting fired. So I'm gonna sit over here. Dude, my... I'm... I'm not having a good time today. [music] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Yo, I'm in Humidity Hail, okay? I'm not in Oklahoma and I'm done with humidity already, and also I'm sitting in a car because I have zero privacy, and, you know, it's hot in this car. So there you go. Today's episode is with Laney Pants again. I love this conversation about reactivity and teasing. So this was a conversation I had before my last conversation with Ginny Kempting. So hearing this episode back really put some things in perspective for me, and that was cool. So anyway, okay, for real, I gotta go. Outro going to be real short to say, okay, enjoy. [music] Dude, I'm not having a good time today. What do none of us are? You know, there's so much fucking happening in the world and our lives, and we're just hanging on. Oh my god. One of the things I want to do is a little rapid fire question thing, and you are just going to answer the first answer that like pops off top of your head kind of thing. Okay, let's set a timer, see if we can do it in two minutes. Okay. I bet we can. Okay. Do you find it easy to express your feelings to others? Sometimes. Are you open to receiving feedback and criticism from others? Yes. Do you tend to avoid discussing emotional topics with others? Not really. Okay. Are you comfortable with showing vulnerability to others? Sometimes. Do you have a strong support system of friends and family? Yeah, mostly. Okay. Do you have a hard time connecting with others on an emotional level? No. Are you able to empathize with others and understand their emotions? Definitely, yes. Do you often feel overwhelmed by your emotions? Yeah. Are you able to set boundaries with others in order to protect your emotional well-being? Ooh, that is really tough for me. Um, getting better at it. Working on it, okay. Do you tend to suppress or ignore your emotions? Not really, maybe sometimes. Okay. Do you have a tendency to rely on others for emotional validation? Yeah, sometimes. Okay. Are you able to forgive others and move past emotional conflicts? Eventually. Okay. Do you prioritize self-care and emotional well-being in your daily life? I'd like to think so. I try. Okay, perfect. Let's see how long that took us. Oh, a minute and a half. Ooh, look at us. I was trying to not explain any of my answers. Well, I was going to ask you, was it hard? Because for me, I was like, ooh, this is going to be tricky. I want to explain, but that's the point you can't. Yeah, I kind of figured since you set a timer that you didn't want me to. So I was like, okay, I'm just going to guess. Right, yes. Because I think it kind of makes you a little differently when you're not able to explain it. You know, like your knee-jerk reaction kind of tells you where in theory, where you, you know, still have areas to work on or whatever. Yeah, I think it creates less of an opportunity for you to be wishy-washy, which is probably better. I wonder if wishy-washy is like a characteristic of, of, you know, a description of people because I could maybe call myself that. But what I'm learning too, I was just thinking about my friend Jessica. And I don't know why I was making my bed and it made me take it her. And I was like, you know what's funny is how many times in our life we've been told like, yeah, uh-huh, you're really excited about that right now. And in about five minutes, you're not going to give shit about it anymore. So why do I have to sit and listen to all this excitement when you're going to be over it? You know, like no one's saying those words, but those are the impressions you're left with. And I'm like, it's so unfair because we just, you know, we get hyper fixate. It's not our fault. Dude, heavily, heavily. All right. Are you ready? Give me set the timer. I'll set the timer. Okay, two minutes and here we go. Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with your romantic partner? Working on it. Are you able to express your emotions through non-verbal cues, such as body language or facial expressions? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know how I feel with my body language, yes. Do you find it easy to provide emotional support to friends and loved ones? Very. Are you able to recognize and process your own emotions in a healthy way? I think so. Do you tend to avoid conflict in order to maintain emotional harmony? Sometimes, but I mean, it doesn't fucking maintain emotional harmony, but that's the intent. Are you able to be present and attentive in conversations with others, even when discussing emotional topics? Not great at it, not always. Do you feel secure in your relationships and trust that others will be there for you emotionally? Not at all. Are you able to effectively communicate your emotional needs and boundaries to others? I think now I am, yeah. Do you tend to bottle up your emotions rather than expressing them? Uh-huh. Are you able to validate and acknowledge the emotions of others even if you don't agree with them? I think I'm really good at that, so yes. Do you prioritize emotional intimacy in your relationships? I'm trying to now. Are you able to regulate your emotions and avoid reacting impulsively in emotional situations? Not at all. Do you seek out opportunities for personal growth and emotional development? I think so. Do you have a tendency to overanalyze or ruminate on past emotional experiences? Every last one of them, honey. Are you able to let go of past emotional wounds and move forward in a healthy way? Not a lot of them, huh? Just depends. That was the last one. Well, that's funny because one of the things I really wanted to talk to you about today was emotional reactivity, but that last question, what was it again? Are you able to let go of past emotional wounds and move forward in a healthy way? Okay, so I'll ask you this because you're also a Gemini and I don't know which part of my personality I get this from, but I feel like it's Gemini. I remember everything that anyone has ever said to me that hurt me. Okay, when I say emotional wounds that I can't get past, that's pretty much it. Like I, you know, I can process with the best of them and I can sit with something. I mean, I'm getting pretty good at all of that, but you know, now that I'm saying this out loud, I guess I would say I've had growth in this area whenever I'm approaching the memory from a different perspective or angle, you know, but I have told Brian before, like, well, honey, it's unfortunate for you because that version of you said some real shitty stuff to this very untamed, unhealed version of me. If anyone wants to tell me how to make that girl forget that shit and not hold it against you for the rest of our lives, I'm open to suggestions. But, you know, like once I started saying that, it did lose its power. And I think for us specifically, that's what I'm learning and actually I just feel more and more confirmation of that just like saying the words to you right now. I just think we have to talk. We have to say shit to people because the second it's out of our brain, it loses power significantly. I mean, like, I can go from 90 to 20, you know, like, okay, now this is a more manageable feeling. And I just, yes, I tried to keep the peace with everyone for so long and started so many wars within myself. And it's cute because it's not like I can hold shit in real well. So it was just this futile attempt of warring within myself. And so when it came out, we're on a battle ground now. So there's no healthy communication happening. I'm just telling you how you fucking fucked up, you know? So that's, I'm glad to hear it's not just me because sometimes it feels that way, especially when your partner is not good at understanding nuance. And so I, you know, I used to kind of take on the things he said, but that leads me into the conversation that I wanted to talk about, not like, I'm not having this conversation with you for any specific reason, but this is what's really like weighing on me right now. So, you know, my whole goal and desire in life is to have significantly less emotional reactivity to others. And I, and what I've noticed is in terms of myself, I'm able now because of you and Jenny Kempton, you know, identifying negative self-talk related to either anger or like self-doubt, any of that stuff, you know, giving shame a name and my anger a name and whatever and each of them being their own personalities and understanding that it's all just old messaging and programming. And I get to decide how much meaning is assigned to any of the random thoughts and feelings that pop up, right? And I have PMS right now, I've been very open about PMDD. Yesterday, all of a sudden was like, cool, the heavy feelings back, I'm so happy. I need you to stop real quick because I have literally been experiencing the exact same thing this week. And I just went to the doctor last week, the lady doctor, to talk about these symptoms. And she, that was the first time I heard of PMDD. I'd heard of PMS. Really? Yeah, sorry to interrupt. No, that's fine. I heard about it, some random commercial. I worked at my first hospice job, the first time I heard about it. So 2009-10, and I was like, click. I mean, I remember my grandma having a bottle of pamperin. It's like, my doll, do you know pamperin? Yeah. And literally holding it in her hand and begging me to take it when I was like 14. Because my PMS has always affected me. I mean, she was, she had it in her hand and said, Missy, please, just, you'll feel so much better. But, you know, I'm the kind of person that if you do that, I'm going to be like, I don't fucking need that. I'll know I need that. But if you just said it and don't say a word, anyway, grandma, back up. Yeah, no, PMDD is real. And it is a dark cloud, you know? Are you, have you been working out at all? Yes, actually, I feel like my hormones have gotten so much more balanced since I've been, like, losing weight, exercising, eating better, like less caffeine and less sugar really helps me. Or at least, like I told you, like having fiber before the sugar, I've been trying. Right. It's not one size fits all. Not one thing. No, absolutely. Like, right. Those things do affect that for sure. And I actually just watched the video that said people like us really need to stop with the caffeine. Like, we really have to limit that. And I'm like, oh, as I drink the most caffeinated energy drink I can find. Uh, the idea of being able to do that pretty overwhelming because I live. But I, I did use to consume a lot more. And oftentimes I don't finish the energy drink or even coffee anymore. Hell, I don't even drink a whole thing of water anymore. I guess I'm just having problems consuming liquid. But, um, yeah, PMDD for me, it's very well controlled with diet and exercise. But if I'm a depressed person, it's real fucking hard to motivate myself to fuck an exercise. I do want to also say I am on antidepressants. So that is also going to be able to have that energy again. And that's the thing is they say that like Prozac and maybe they've come up with one other one. I think that's an SSRI. That's the only thing they've ever been able to like treat PMDD with. So I was like, I'm, I don't know if I've gone into detail about this because I don't, I don't know, I don't want to like fear monger when this is just an irrational fear of mine. I wanted to take the Prozac. I'm still not like opposed to taking the Prozac. My problem is is that my particular medical anxiety, which I don't have a lot of, but I have a little bit of when I picture myself and I think that this is just from working in hospice. Because I've only ever seen the worst case scenario of health stuff, right? So when I picture myself taking any kind of antidepressant because you have to take it daily, I picture literally almost a little creature damaging my internal organs. And I can't, I can't let it go. It's been years. Every single time the feeling doesn't go away, the thoughts don't go away. And I'm like, okay, not this year. Maybe next time. I'm not, it's for me, it's like, well, why even go through the whole thing? And probably some of that is I don't want to go fuck and talk to my doctor about being depressed. Because we hate having that conversation. Yeah, it's really embarrassing for some reason. I go back to, I really enjoyed that episode that you had with what you said, Jenny Kimpton. Is it Dr. Kim? No, she's at LMSW. Okay, okay. Well, regardless, I really enjoyed that episode that you did with her. Like that was, I think my favorite so far. I remember working with her again today. Oh, I'm excited. I just enjoyed her input in her perspective. But anyway, giving the shame and name. Like, I feel like now looking back, you know, in retrospect, of course. Like, I can do that. But in the moment, going to the doctor and them asking me, like, do you have no thoughts of ending your life? Things like that. No, I don't want to know. Also, if we also know what happens if you put yes on that form. Well, right. And luckily, I did not really, I did not want to end my life. I just felt that like, overwhelming dread. Yeah, the black cloud. That's all it is. Yeah. And I really, I knew what was causing it. The mood was hard. I missed my friends and the people that I corrected with in Los Angeles. Like, I just, I felt just overwhelmingly sad and there was nothing. I had never experienced that in a way that I was never able to fix it before on my own. And like, that was when I knew I needed to talk to someone because I could not let any of that go. I felt it daily. Like, I did not like my job. I just needed something to like, give me a little bit of me back. Like, I did not like a person anymore. It was so weird. No, I know that numb feeling. I went through an entire year of that. And then I missed it when the next year was full on reactivity to all stimuli. I mean, all of it all the time, but I know I've been much less physically active for the last year. And so I just, I know that's the only thing that really helps me better than anything I've ever done. I mean, it'll pretty much keep every symptom at bay if I'm regularly lifting weights. Not like heavy, but like, you know, as heavy as you can, and doing some form of walking or whatever. So I know that, but like, do you feel like any of depression or anything else puts you in a more emotionally reactive place to people or no? I'm not figuring that out because I don't necessarily know why or when it's going to occur. Like, it is very situational for me because like, I grew up in a very reactive family. Oh, you did, okay. Extremely reactive. And like, if they were to hear this, they would agree with me. Like, it is, it's a known aspect. Yeah, but yeah. There have been things flying through my household before, for sure. Yeah, I mean, I'm not working. It's fucking kicking trash every one day. And she's just looking at me like, okay. Well, it's really, it's us kids more than almost even more than my parents. But anyway, it's, it's obviously we're grown now. It's different, but. No, but you know what though, those experiences with siblings help to shape your capacity for things. So. Well, and so I was the youngest watching everyone else grow up and have all these reactive issues. And so I actually grew up to not be very reactive whatsoever. But because of me trying to be the opposite of that, I was. You were being people-free. Yeah. Yeah, I was holding everything in. And when I got older and I decided to stop holding everything in, Ivan became reactive because like, I did not know where the middle ground was. And so like. Well, would it be fair to say though, that because I feel like that's where I was for a lot of years where the only time I ever said anything is when it flew out of my mouth. Like I held everything in as much as possible. There are things though that like, if you piss me off enough, it's coming out. You know what I mean? So I would just like, oh shit. But I never really apologized for those incidences. It was just like sweeping out of the direction. Because it, you know, usually it wasn't very nice. I mean, I was just real bitchy. You know, it just came out and I'd be like, but it felt like a different person almost. Like, I mean, I just, I did not have control over that. I still don't. I mean, if I, if it's just a verbal vomit coming from that triggered place, then I don't know where the accountability marker should be. But for me, I, I doesn't feel like I have control in that moment. And I just, you know, in this thought of giving the emotions and the thoughts that are created from those emotions, a name, it gives it less power. First of all, because I, I don't listen to anyone if I don't want to. So if these are outside influences, it's much easier for me to like fuck off. And I, and you know, so much a part of me moving into this next like phase in my life is embodying every ounce of my power. And every time I allow that triggered response, I'm giving away power that I want. And I guess I'm probably struggling with what is my motivation here. And is, is my motivation to be less reactive actually about just trying to get that last bit of control or I just wanted like, you know, not treat people badly and not get myself in a place where I'm running from a bear because you said something like, okay, this, I've mentioned this. And it feels, this is something I like feel really vulnerable talking about because probably just like, just my grandma, you know, it's all related to the teasing in my family or whatever, less reactive to this in that like, I'm not necessarily saying things back now where I used to. So I'm trying to like really detach in this particular moment. This is like the only thing I can really like work on reactivity with right now. But it's a big one because it happens a lot. I'm struggling to say it because I don't want, I'm trying not to give specific examples because I haven't told like, I don't ever tell people how bad they're pissing me the fuck off when they do this. And so I don't want to be passive aggressive and say that on a podcast when I have never had that discussion with someone. So it feels passive aggressive, but at the same time, this is the conversation. So I'm like, do you know what you mean? And they point out shit because they're just trying to help you grow. They just love you so much. They just want to help you grow unsolicited every mother fucking time. Okay. One really good example is, so I turned shit around because I'm going to have to record that presentation for the symposium and they want, they have kind of specific weirdness about your background. And I don't want to deal with all that. So I moved it. But remember, you used to be able to see my bed in my background. Well, that was a real source of contention for me because my room was full of laundry because I was so fucking behind of laundry and nobody was helping me at all. And our washer had broken. That's a whole thing. So I was so fucking behind. That was one of the things that was literally making me suicidal because I was like, I can't live like this. Well, if you hit me hard enough, like, I know that if I respond, I'm going to hurt you. So I'm, I can't, you know. So it's just shit like that, just little like teasing things that, but here's the deal is that I don't believe that there are innocent motivations behind that. I've done it myself. So I fucking know what the motivation is. You know what I mean? I catch myself doing it and I'm like, yeah, well, this is exactly how I know that you're making fun of me because that's what this is. That's what teasing is. So I'm really struggling with this because I think the reason I'm struggling is because I never fucking tell people why I'm bringing this up specifically. I'm a little nervous because I'm going on a trip and it's my bestie and her family and they're my family, you know, like this is my chosen family and we are going and I'm very excited. But we're all staying in houses together for each part of the trip and that's not really who I am as a person. I need a lot of space even from my own family. If we could all just agree now to say what we're feeling and what we need so that this doesn't turn into a thing where we all hate each other by the end and never want to talk to each other again because I've done trips with this family before and I'm thinking of the times where I really personalized a lot of things and held it in and it did just like I held a bunch of shit for a long like dumb shit that I knew was me and like you know just being afraid to say how I was feeling or whatever and I don't feel that way anymore. I'm afraid of myself. That's what it is. I'm afraid of my reaction to people. I don't want to hurt people and I've learned talking about shit isn't good for me. I mean it's good to get a thought out but talking about shit that was irrational to begin with just it just makes the fire bigger inside of me and I'm more pissed and like I got myself fucking worked up in a tizzy the other day. I don't even remember what what and I'm not gonna try because I remember being real mad afterwards being like well even yesterday I was I woke up and felt it right but I started making bereavement calls but talking about it pissed me the fuck off like I was in a perfect mood because I had done these bereavement calls and I'm making best friends with all these old men it's crazy but anyway um I was happy and then I started talking about whatever in text someone asked a question innocently and I was like blah blah some you know martyr type statement I'm sure I was you know having a pity party that I then started down a spiral for so I was like okay pull yourself up did it again so those those are the two things that really go hand in hand for me is emotional reactivity and the fucking teasing and so yeah what are your thoughts? Yeah so I what I'm hearing you say is tell me if I'm wrong but yeah it feels like an attack on your character almost or like just who you are some kind of aspect of you you take that ship personally yeah but it doesn't matter what they say that's the part that bothers me and I'm like is it the fact that they're teasing and no matter what it is that's going to obviously you know triggers are when you have memories of an emotional response and this emotional response feels the same and you don't have to remember the time it happened so I know that that is part of it I do but from your perspective and everything that you've heard me say and whatever and and I feel safe no matter how you answer this question so just know that do you think that it's possible that I struggle just with like when people tease or make fun the way I feel they are making fun right I know logically that's not their intent I do know that um I'm at least not their conscious intent you know like I know I know subconsciously there's some motivators there but you know consciously for some of the teasing though like I'll make fun of a Virgo's personality all day because they're very particular or Sagittarius or you know what I mean so in some ways when I compare like that I'm like they're just doing that they're just poking fire from the personality traits you know and that's fine that this person who's sitting right here knows that and gets that and thinks it's hilarious but in that moment I'm so fucking mad I want to hit people and so I just wonder do you think that it's like an insecurity in what's like it like a perfectionist thing like it bothers me that they're not seeing me as perfect in that moment or something dude yes first okay I'll link you a yes a blanket yes and then I'll kind of tell you how I relate if that's helpful yeah because I just had this conversation with my sister yesterday after the job interview right she's like well how did it go and I'm like well they were looking at their watches 30 minutes in and I was worried about this or I was worried about that and you know this joke didn't quite land how I thought it was going to and then I told you I fell on the stairs so all of this stuff she's like well did they I was like I don't know I don't really know how it felt good but also not I don't know she's like well did they give you an indication that something was negative or wrong or like was there anything that they said or did that is making you feel this way and I was like not really I think it's the absence of anxiety I think it's the absence of their undying love and affection that's bothering me because I need someone to like and I'm not I don't do well and I don't have that like reassurance validation validation right so like for me it is absolutely an insecurity issue and I think it is absolutely tied to my perfectionism because especially as it pertains to my career which is much passed since I was the right age of 18 years old right and I've dedicated my life to this so doing any part of it well enough to meet my standards or someone else's I'm wigging out so if I don't get an indication during the interview that they don't love at least something about me I start thinking okay what could I have done better like I had a hard time sleeping last night I was anxious and I'm going to continue to be anxious until I hear back from them and part of that is that I want the job but admittedly the other part of that is I want them to like me and I still want them to confuse you and even if they don't choose me I at least want to know that like they like me but someone with like more qualifications experience or whatever yeah yeah like and I love it really wanted you but we lost an allocation you know like something right someone rejecting you someone with three masters degree and a award came in and he just you were gonna take that but like I need that learners I don't know I'm sorry about that literally like and I I'm not proud of this whatsoever it's taken me so long to be able to like verbally admit this it's always been you know in my mind but I'm starting to realize you know as I've been trying to transition out of my people pleasing ways for many years now this is I think one of the bigger steps I'm trying to take is like letting go of that aspect of it of trying like having to impress everyone yeah having to make everyone laugh you know like yes I know you know so it's that is still I still something I struggle with even though I really feel like I don't on an everyday basis so anyway I'll just say like it's it's an ego thing for me like I it is for me too obviously I'm about I don't want you to see me not being perfect right and like at the end of the day what is it fucking matter like our only job here is to literally enjoy life like no for real and thank you for saying that I need those reminders sometimes you know like I make things so fucking serious when they don't need to be in like someone someone earlier today responded negatively to a message and you know for a second I let it hit me in a bad place and then 10 minutes later I'm like okay this is what I'm talking about though I knew when I knew when I engaged in that conversation who I was speaking to what their issues are and how they were going to respond you know what I mean so they're not responding to me they're responding to their own triggers and you know 10 minutes later I can handle that but I want to get better at being detached from myself if that makes I want to be a little more romanticized I want to you know I want to be able to step outside myself and observe myself in conversations it I don't know if that's like a healthy desire or what just really don't want to feel so out of control of my own fucking mouth all the time where you know I'm it I almost hate this more now because I'm I've been working so hard on this for so long on regulating in those moments that now my subconscious can tell me things in that moment it's like my autopilot's reverted some for regulating in that it's like stop stop you don't want to do this you know where that wasn't even a thought before but if that could make the word a shut up but more importantly if I could shut down at that point and go quit like I feel in those moments like I'm very buzzy and like there's actual electricity flowing through my body at a real fast rate and I'm real pissed so you know like it's not a good feeling for me either so I go and I try to do the things but like yesterday when I was so upset I was like okay we we've learned this lesson what do we do we need to feel instead of think what are we feeling and I was like well my feelings are hurt I know I can get to but I cried for like five minutes and I did what Jenny said it wasn't shame but I still said why are you here because I was feeling angry I thought I knew I was tense and I was you know super reactive to everything and I was like okay I don't I don't like the way I feel physically right now and if this is the way I'm feeling then there's something underneath it so what is it and then I identified it and I said oh okay why are you here then oh you're trying to protect me from this fear which overall the fear is that I don't think I'm afraid of looking stupid in front of people um about this whole life change because I think I think I'm past all that I just I don't care like whether I failed or not like I don't know that I care about people's opinions of what I'm doing that's where I'm having trouble because some of the shit that I was thinking yesterday I really feel like is just like I'm afraid of this failing and so I've got to now start placing blame on anyone in my life that may be part of the reason that you know I haven't made money for many of this and so I was like okay so you're trying to just protect me from fear thank you I'm gonna honor you for that but I'm gonna feel the fear and the sadness for like five minutes and then I'm gonna release it and then you know what I did feel so much better now I've got upset again I had a call Teresa and I fucking cried to her probably only like you know I've only ever done that a couple times because I just didn't do that you know but I was like Melissa's a crier now we cried to people so I mean not that I haven't always like cried to myself about everything but I was like I eat I'm gonna cry I'm just gonna do that and then by the end of the conversation I was like okay better I'm gonna go get this work done you know like whatever but I'm just struggling because I feel like that's the last barrier in my relationships is a I'm I do have a lot of shame associated to the way I feel internally when somebody teases me because all I hear is you're too sensitive and me me me man the shitty way my grandma always said that you know and it does make me gaslight myself in question whether or not I'm allowed to feel that way or if I'm you know a cry baby or whatever you know I guess to that I would say we we know we know what you what you actually mean when you do that so yeah there's some validity to me being hurt by that and I just kind of do you think that some of the reason that some people are so like teasy like that is because they you know are emotionally unavailable to themselves and they don't know what's actually motivating them and whatever yeah so actually there was of course a video I saw online I saw and it was like a continuing thread between people where they're talking about did you and your partner both grow up in a teasing household did one of you grow up in a teasing household and one of you not and how does it affect your relationship now like do you get on each other's nerves do you get your feelings hurt easily like or do you have like a fun relationship where you can tease each other consistently and it never goes too far and you're both comfortable with it and it's fun for you like right that's a thinking about like between my husband and I like I do think that those kind of group and teasing households but they were different and for me words really everything means so much to me I feel everything so deeply and I it's you know obviously rooted in goodness I have a big heart I love everyone I truly do yeah like I want everyone to love me but it's because I love everyone else and I'm just yeah you're like let's just love each other yeah I want you to know what this feels like it's good yeah and it used to be you know kind of sheltered and how do you say it naivety yeah rose colored glasses yeah I used to be not and then I kind of got jaded for a little bit and I was like no not everyone I don't love everyone and I was like run I know I can love everyone but not give all of myself to everyone so anyway love myself too yeah so we've come full circle but because everything means so much to me and everyone means so much to me especially the people that I choose to be in my life not just acquaintances but the people I love in the world everything does mean a lot to me and I do take things very seriously probably more than I should and does that create a very like emotional reaction sometimes to things that truly cut deep or truly pissing off yeah and have I gotten better about that through therapy and through organizing my thoughts and feelings and kind of trying to prevent myself from getting to that point yes it's gotten better but that is something I had to teach myself I did not learn that in my household like yeah you know like I said very very reactionary family even a couple of them still to this day god love them god bless their hearts but um very reactionary it is not something we were taught it is something I had to teach myself and learn through trial and error sadly but right I will say Dylan my husband is not very reactionary the key is like it takes a lot to like brand new yeah it's great because I need that in my life like I never had that that's probably the biggest thing that really drew me to him is like yes consistent chill person like just calm fun when they want to be does he get pissed off can he be a little sensitive sometimes for sure but like he's he shows it in a different way like we're able to communicate pretty effectively 90 percent of the time because since then I've slowly learned like how to reach him and he's learned how to learn learning there's like way that you hear things I mean I would say just like language like learning nuance among each other and like oh when you say that that means something different than what I'm saying when I say that but I'm so glad that we both identified in ourselves that like that calm is what we need more than anything else after like a lifetime of chaos and that is our saving grace is that like literally he's never yelled at me not once he's never really even made his voice in a way that I feel physically unsafe thankfully he doesn't have a deep voice because it wouldn't take very much at all at that point I mean he doesn't he doesn't not but you know what I'm saying like it's not like that because it doesn't take much for that to make me feel very scared inside and I'll recognize it and whatever but I will not engage in a conflict when I'm feeling that way I will become completely submissive yeah I can't do that you know it is so weird and like tone and like inflection it all plays a huge part and it's so weird how like I've become sensitive to that I it's like so that's a whole nother conversation but I do think just to kind of answer your original version like I do think that how things affect us are up to us of course but it's also okay to like recognize that someone said something without thinking and they should have chosen their words differently like especially if they know who is it now though if you personally what would you do if you had a reaction kind of strong one internally to some teasing that they just hit you right in the wrong place how how do you how do you typically respond to that now well it's actually something that I had done I didn't ever I had like literally never confronted anyone with anything like that like my whole life and just this year I kind of lost a friend because of it but I'm okay with it because she's a douchebag dude yeah so you would just send group texts that were super insensitive and I'm not even gonna get into what they were about but like heavy topics like like abortion and things like that she would just like randomly send us a message about her opinions on very heavy topics in the middle of the day on like a Tuesday yeah you know basically the equivalent of a trauma dump I mean if you're bringing up sensitive topics like that out of the blue I mean that has no regard for the emotional capacity of that person 100 percent it was and there was one week where one of our friends that was in the group had lost someone close to them and then the person that texted us in this group she texted us something that I felt like was really insensitive during that time like she knew what had happened and so I was just tired of this constant random dialogue it was bothering me and so I sent a text I didn't call her privately like I probably would have given the respect to someone else that way I normally would give someone the respect of calling or talking privately but I went ahead and just shot off a message in the group text and I was basically I was just I honestly just treated her like a colleague I decided to just detach a little bit from my emotions and I had had enough time to process it and I just kind of talked like in a professional way and I was still respectful which made me feel like I was being true to myself so I could feel about it after the conversation right because if I was a jerk I would have felt like I need to apologize and maybe yeah I just want to say what you need to say and be done yeah I would have lost like validity in what I said how I would have felt you know it would still be valid but I would have felt guilty you know yes I do and know exactly so I feel like I did myself justice I told her like hey the things you've been texting feel really inappropriate and I still love you I want to be your friend but like how you approach conversations with us needs to change it's just not okay and like your opinion on these things is different than mine and I'm willing to accept that I would love to have more conversations with you about it if you want to but to be honest you don't seem very open because you're just like you're like text the text version of shouting at us yeah throw an opinion out there like you're make it a Facebook post and it's like your time you're like period and you can't tell me anything different yeah and I don't I don't like that kind of attitude I'm just totally both minded and get up if you're gonna be like and so they're right like it just does not align with who I am and like again I'm willing to allow people in my life that are different than me in fact I welcome that I love that I don't want a bunch of people that are exactly the same as me to be in my life that feels like wrong to me I want us to have differences I want to stop things out but if you're just going to be like so set in your ways and not willing to listen to anyone else's opinion and be just like straight up disrespectful with your like tone and your timing you're just not okay so I addressed that with her in like that kind of way I was very direct very honest and still very loving I felt like and she totally blew up on me was so rude and so immature to be honest that I was just like okay it's totally the balls on your court you know how I feel how you pursue things from here forward with me and with everyone else in this group is up to you I left it there because what I have really told myself is other people's feelings unless they communicate them to me or none of my business other people's thoughts unless they can't try and just sit around anticipate and shit yeah or none it's none of my business and so like I think that's helped my perspective when people come at me in a way that I don't like is I have to think about the fact that like did they tell me how they're feeling or am I just drawing that inference from what they said and is that correct or fair so like my conversation with my sister yesterday like her asking me like okay did those right no like did they say or do anything that makes you feel this way or is it just kind of you having anxiety like she asked me the perfect question I was like okay you're probably right I'm probably here yeah I'm making my own feelings out of my thoughts about what they were thinking about me which honestly makes me rude because I'm assuming that they're rude right judgmental you know so for me a lot of assumptions yeah yeah so for me a lot of the time and how I ended up how I end up handling it in the moment things like that is I feel like okay they're pissing me off but I still have to do right by myself right now like how I respond is going to show who I really am and ultimately right that's what I want people to know and that's who I want this person to learn that I am so like how do I address this in a way that allows me the space to be me but also communicate my feelings in a way that is not rude but gets my point across so usually my first strategy is to ask a question let me ask this then what do you do if somebody's just for instance water signs real notorious for being pretty blunt with their communication okay cancer scorpio pices so two children that are water signs and they're real blunt real good at it and blunt doesn't bother me anymore it did use to but it doesn't bother me but it's you know people just throw phrases out there really flippantly and one that really gets me is well then quit whining about it and I'm like well I fucking wasn't now I'm not gonna whine I'm gonna fucking punch you bitch like it makes me so fucking mad dude we were just having a conversation like I'm just telling you blah blah blah like what the fuck I so if I don't know what to say yet I ask the question well what makes you feel like I'm complaining did I give you the impression that I'm whining or do you feel like maybe I'm just explaining like I I usually just ask them a question what if I said and I need your honest opinion okay yeah because I'll be this is this is a legitimate concern of mine so what if I said to the person who said that to me am I whining or am I making an assertion you know what I mean with because in the particular scenario that I'm thinking of with this person that said that to me it was a heightened emotional state that everybody was in when it happened but I was like stressing about trying to get to somewhere important in the middle of a crisis yeah and I don't remember what the thing I was stressing about was but it was probably stupid but a person involved offered a couple of solutions that I didn't ask for first of all and then most of the dialogue was probably me just talking to myself as I'm running around like you know what I mean getting shit to go to this thing and they said when I like rebutted the suggestions that I didn't ask for they're like well they're quite whining about it and I'm like mmm well I couldn't respond because I would have been very disrespectful and unkind so I can't I in those times I can't even open my mouth because what I want to say like the logical words aren't going to come out but I feel like but when I practice something like saying it out loud to myself writing it in a future self journal prompt it will come out and I'll be able to do that so that's why I'm like is that an appropriate response like am I whining or am I making an assertion am I whining or am I just stressed like am I not allowed to be stressed you know what I mean and it's hard to be honest I think sometimes it's okay to to behave a little bit confrontationally in those moments because they sure the fuck didn't mind saying quite whining you know yeah so yeah and it's not the confrontation I'm afraid of it's it's the reactivity I want to have a confrontation in in a respectfully kind way I don't want to have a confrontation where I'm custom you up one side and down another I will I have done it you know I want to yeah because at the end you end up feeling like you could it's a goal yes I don't ever want because I'm also rational enough to know like this is just me experiencing my environment it doesn't mean it's real you know like doesn't mean that that's actually meant or felt or whatever this is just my experience and my response to my environment and I don't want anyone to feel like a piece of shit over some interaction with me you know like you know if you're a piece of shit maybe you should feel like a piece of shit sometimes but most you know everyone I know not a piece of shit so like I don't want them to feel that you know yeah it's hard so I didn't realize you're asking about like a quick job because I feel like that's totally different than like a conversation right like it's something to respond to that yeah those are harder make them understand what they've just done so that we're at least on neutral ground now like I feel like it's a proton neutron thing does that make sense like they do this yeah and but if we can just get to equal playing ground because I've just told you hey uh you're fucking up a little bit right now you know what I mean but it's not equal and it started to not be equal the moment they were shitty to you because you are up here and they're down here to become equal you'll have to step down and you shouldn't do that right you're so right and that is not the way I viewed them here and me down here no yeah you're right I get into power yeah that doesn't give me authority over me or anything else but it must put me in that spot since it reminds me so much of not just my grandma but every woman in my family because it was predominantly women you know sitting there and just you know telling me what a fucking idiot I was or whatever else you know it's just I I am sensitive I don't think that's anything to make fun of so um maybe I'm too sensitive for you and that's fine go you don't have to be in my life but you know I'm no longer going to let people define my character based off their experiences of their environment you're not too much of anything first of all and if you were I fully have faith that you would fix that because of who you are yourself aware if you were really too much of anything for yourself then you would adjust something but to be too much of something for anyone else really wouldn't matter if you were that's right to play with yourself yeah getting the what to say back to that for quick jabs maybe this one's kind of funny but like did you mean to say that that one's a good one oh I like that oh my god I love that actually did you mean to say that okay yes or like are you okay like putting it back on them like wow you really just stepped outside yourself for a second because I know you're not talking to me that way right but see I want to actually feel that Laney I want to be I want to embody that feeling you know the feeling that you feel right now saying those words because you're picturing whatever because that's what I mean when I say I want to be able to step outside myself watch myself watch them as this whole other person and respond as this person because well I guess I'm asking for like my soul to separate and respond as my soul person instead of this fucking person who's been through a lifetime of hell you know but I don't want to respond as the person who's been through a lifetime of hell anymore because I caused myself and others a great deal of harm sometimes and I just don't want to anymore but I also don't want to be a little bitch who just sits and lets people say shit to me you know I'm like I want to stand up for myself but I want to do it right no me too and that's like why I've come up with these little ways because like for me it's not something I can just like jump into and be comfortable all of a sudden because I'll be reacting not emotional like I won't be appropriate that's what I used to try to tell people I remember even you know the place that we worked at together I remember telling someone one time it may have even been you like no the reason I don't say anything is because if I do I'm getting fired if we've gotten to that point too like it's taking work on both of our ends so that I don't get to that point if I'm like do that genuinely what it took for me is talking to him while we're actually calm and not fighting because that's when we actually hear each other like that hurts me so bad every time I do that because when you see the pain that you cause on someone else's face reflected back at you I handle that I see myself as a child reflected back at me and it is the worst pain imaginable that's what fueled every suicidal thought though granted you know now that I'm thinking about this in retrospect it was not my fault I told him I needed help like I need help I need help physically with shit around the house I need help emotionally like you know when you tell your spouse that you're very intent on killing yourself and you're just trying to decide when a lot of different things should have happened then what did happen the problem with Ryan is that he's really really good at shutting down his responses to things it's like oh that hurts too much I can't and so I'm quite sure that hearing your wife say you know she's very sure she's going to kill herself probably he didn't know what to do with that but you know me I wouldn't leave her alone different choices than he did so I'm not gonna like feel guilty anymore actually because I did ask for help that I didn't get so I really thought about that until you just said that several times then they think you're this is just something you say when you're upset yeah honestly there was a point at which I did that too where I was like um it feels like you're not hearing me and I'm gonna say it a different way you know you know what just I'm gonna tell you this because you just turned 30 right yeah okay as a 44 year old I'm gonna tell you you are meant to behave like an airhead okay like I'm being serious the joy is it lies in that laning the joy lies in that when you become more secure in exactly who you are and you really don't give a fuck anymore about impressions and whatever and you're not all worried about how you're coming across that is the true piece when you because now that I'm not like all worried about coming across as obviously that I spent a very large majority of my life being very spooled and measured with every response that I ever gave um making sure because I found in my family the smarter you sounded the more they left you alone because it that's they respected you then and I loved the feeling and the affirmation that I got you know I remember my fucking aunt all the sudden saw me as a human being because I understood current events and I was like 16 you know and I remember where we were the conversation all of it and I remember that feeling and I held on to that and I thought oh that's all I have to do is be smart oh okay I got this shit you know like I maybe can't do algebra but I can have a conversation I mean my god so I think getting to that place where you can fully just be like sometimes I'm an airhead and you know like you being like honey you fucking don't know how to spell my name I'm like oh a year ago oh my god I might have avoided you the rest of my life dude that's what I was afraid of because like I didn't know how you would respond to that so you know I was like you get really pleased with it don't care and I was gonna let it go but I don't know how much longer this is gonna go before it's awkward so I just need to tell her okay I'm gonna hang up because we'll talk for three more hours if I don't I love you bye okay bye bye hey hey hey what do you say listen first and foremost please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening if you want to support the show please rate like and share also like comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok please follow the podcast Facebook emotionally unavailable podcast you can shop my foot online store or schedule a one-on-one with me emotionally unavailable podcast.org I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling astrology readings and tarot readings and self-publishing services and thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast and my goodness I thought I was recording and I wasn't so I hope you enjoyed the episode with Laney Pants and that is all for today these episodes this week might be a little wonky because mom is out of town so I'm just doing my best all right until next time let's all just keep swimming R N D E P E and Cut.