Hello, hello, hello! Today's talk with Jane is a wonderful discussion on subconscious motives for behavior. I have learned and grown so much this past week and I hope you have the same experience.
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 30: Release (Anonymously Unavailable with Jane Doe Episode 6)
Yeah, I'm motivated. Yeah, girl. I guess so, because this is the only way you can get an ounce of love. We're fine. They're probably going to be fine. So I know I didn't back to you. So my grandma wouldn't have even if she had the money and and I'm going to say the reason we are so tense is because we are so intense and the reason we are so intense, not just because you're caprising in a sad something. We're never going to heal if we don't get to a place where we understand that. And I don't know. I think this is the part where we don't give them that power anymore. Welcome to emotionally unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hey guys, welcome back for anonymously unavailable with Jane Doe. Today is not a Reddit episode. We actually had a serious convo. I'm sorry if you hear fireworks in the background. We were busy, so we just got to record today and blah, blah, I don't know. I'm so tired and hope you all are doing well. I am deliriously happy seeing so many things come together for me, for others, and oh gosh, it's good. It's good stuff. So anyway, one of the things that we've decided to do, we've purchased the Shadows of Shame, and we are going to get a group of gals together to do a book group about it once a week, and we are going to record it for podcast episode. And that way, other people can benefit from it as well. So I'm, if you want to like follow along, I would say have the book at your house by the 14th. Sometimes the week of the 15th, we would be recording our first episode, I think. So anyways, I'm excited about that. I'm excited about this conversation today with Jane Doe. It was amazing. And I hope you all are well. So enjoy. Hi. Okay, so do you want to talk about the thing that you brought up earlier, or is it now? Okay, what were the, so okay, just for clarification, you had said that you read something I shared on my Instagram story that was what was the premise of the meme or whatever. So it basically is talking about if somebody says these things to you, they're not valid, they're these things like you're too sensitive. Oh, that one. Oh, there's no way that you haven't said every one of those things. Oh, no, I do. I kind of believe some of those things. Well, I don't know. I'm like, this is ridiculous. I do think people are testing this. I'm sorry. At some point, like there should be a little consolation on your side too. Well, okay. I mean, I don't disagree with you, but I would say based off all of the recent conversations that we would, that we've had, if I step back and look at that without any of my emotion either, that's not really how I view it because I don't have any emotion either. So I guess my question for you would be, because remember all of it's about us. None of this has shit to do with anyone else. So we're looking at us. What's the feeling when someone gets upset? Like when they tell you that you've hurt their feelings and you know, you didn't mean to or whatever, what's the feeling though? Everything manifests as anger. Like it makes me mad. I feel misunderstood. Get what I'm trying. Like I feel very misunderstood. You do feel misunderstood, but if you were to broaden the scope, just to smidge, and I feel like misunderstood is valid. Yes. That's my number one feeling that was always there. It was like, you just don't, you get me, but you don't even know. Yeah. And so, okay. But I was thinking about this earlier because you had mentioned this as a topic. And I'm like, okay, but we got to examine why we care, right? Like, why, why? Because whenever I, when that's my response of a automatically, I want to shut you down. Well, first we're going to go to the shadows of shame that we've been learning about. And the royal is the judge that judges everyone around you. Very self-righteous, you know what I mean? Like, why would you do that? The judge is judging ourselves like, you knew better. And then there's also the politician. I'm naming the ones that have been the most relevant to me. The politician is like, oh, you can't let anybody know you did that, right? You know that, right? You know, those are the three that I feel like are the most present in my life and yours, okay? The royal and the judge specifically, but you and I have utilized the royal to cope with our entire lives because we can only accept so much responsibility and accountability, right? But we did accept, we do accept a lot. So, we're at max capacity at all times for what we are willing to take on as like, a saying, I'm responsible here or whatever. There's only so much of that you can do, especially when sorry, but you're fucking emotionally stupid like we are, you know, like, capacity much lower than what it's expected to be of the average, we'll say. I would say that what I'm hearing from you is a shadow of shame. I would say your royal is out to be self-righteous against these people. Why are you so sensitive? Like, you shouldn't be so what is the royal there to do? What is it? How does it help you? What does it protect you from? I don't know. I'll give you examples of my, okay, so for my biggest royals and I was just talking, you probably didn't make it to the second half of the episode yet, but I asked Jenny at the very end of the episode, okay, but noticed in myself that I too don't like to take accountability, you know, I will, but there are some things I don't want to and in my mind, if I can make it your fault, I'm going to and I can't tell you how many things. So my royal will be like, you know, like, if I'm feeling, I was feeling sad the other day and I didn't want to. My judge was telling me that like, I was, you know, doing this to myself, you know, whatever, and my impotent was telling me, girl, I told you, I told you not to even try because there's no point in any of this shit, you know, and then my royals over here, like, you know what, no, because if you, if those people had just, you wouldn't be feeling this way. And then my judge said, you know, that's not healthy. We should not have those types of thoughts about others, okay? I'm being dead serious. Since she pointed it out, the thoughts are slowing now and it's so nice because I feel so much less crazy. It's actually been a very transformative experience just in the last couple of days. But if you make those thoughts, something outside of you, and you just look at it and you go, what is that? Well, we've got these labels now that make it really easy. My royal in that sadness, it was protecting me from being a brat. Do you know, like, if I can blame other people with my royal, then I don't have to be a brat for having expectations of people that weren't met. And if you can have a royal that says, well, those people are just too fucking sensitive, dude, that protects you from not being good enough and not being able to meet everybody's needs. And from whatever horrible shit that created that exact same feeling that you're trying desperately not to feel that's not anger. That's a fucking trigger and a trigger takes you right back. You may not be present in the memory, but your fucking body is and it feels the exact same way every time you encounter something that triggers that specific feeling. And you and I have spent our entire lives trying not to address those things because it's very painful. Wow. That, you know what? That's probably pretty true. I struggle with that in general, especially when it comes to the kids. Like, I feel like I try so hard and that actually does make sense. That's why when you used that specific one as a sample, I knew that's why I started thinking about it. And I started thinking because this, that's one of the reasons that I was asking her was I thought a lot about the interactions that Bryson and I have had, especially around 17 or 18. But when he says things like, you should have made me join stuff. You should have, of course, what's in my conscious forefront of my brain is to come right back with bitch. All the reasons why that's not a fair thing for him to say. And just, you know, all this disrespectful shit that I want to say back to him, right? But the wound he's hitting is that fucking lost wound. It's the rejection wound. It is the, what is that feeling? It's just, it's like, this was the only thing I ever cared about being good at and you're just telling me that it was, I did no good. Like, I'm hearing I was the literal worst. I did everything wrong. You know what I mean? So, our royal in that moment is very much protecting us from feeling like fucking failures, you know? That's a play because we shouldn't feel like failures anyway. I mean, I guess that's the other thing too. So, if that's true, then what do you do to fix that? Okay, so first of all, you're cognizant of it. So, that one, you know what? Honey, here's the great thing. You're not even gonna have to try it. Once you start having these conversations, it's nuts. You are putting it into your brain right now that you're going to be more intentional. I'm not saying it's not going to happen, but they're going to slow down. You're going to notice this in your everyday life and traffic in nothing. It's how many times your different shadows of shame jump out to fucking protect you all day, every day. You're going to start to see it because you've seen the yellow cardinal, you know? This is it and it's crazy because that is truly neuroplasticity. I mean, it's a beautiful thing, but yesterday I was like, oh, I'm not crazy. Like, it slowed because I was always trying to get people to understand. No, no, no, you don't understand. I'm saying this in a conversation with you at the same time, I hear this voice telling me what a piece of shit I am for doing this. And Jenny's like, I've got your judge, honey. And if you listen to the Finding Peace podcast, which we're doing, you know, we're going to start the Finding Peace workbook. It's not very much. And I got it on Amazon. It's coming Friday, but day it was cool because I listened to Jenny's episode where he went through her shadows with her. Oh, really? Yeah, they did it on the podcast. And he asks her things like, where is the judge? What does it look like? And something that made me cry yesterday is that Jenny has been kind of like, oh, well, she's so sweet. She's so fucking sweet. So she like doesn't come right out and correct you. She like will be like, well, you know, like some sweet way of saying it, right? So I noted that she's like, well, we don't want to say it's our grandma. That's not how she said it. But you know, I was like, and I was kind of triggered by it. I felt defensive like I didn't ever say anything to her or anyone else about it. But I was like, well, I mean, if I want to think it's my grandma, whatever. But in her way, they say, make it younger or older if you need to or a different gender. The understanding is that like, also that person had their own shadows of shame that we're talking to you and to start understanding, not because we need to like invite these people in our lives or whatever. But healing truly is understanding at the core of all that had nothing to do with us. We're never going to heal if we don't get to a place where we understand that. And I was like, okay, this was the biggest gift that anybody could ever give me because I can finally feel the slightest amount of softness towards my fucking grandma again. She was a human. Like, she's a bitch. But man, like, she was going through it too. Shit. And it really doesn't matter how much of it's your fault. You know, it really doesn't because you don't know what's your fault. You don't fucking know. And some of my problems are my fault. You know, like, it's just what it is. And likes a series of choices. And sometimes you don't make great ones. And I sure hate if every fucking one of mine were met with told you, you know, like, I mean, as a kid, they were, but I know why because that's what she got, you know, and so that it was a gift. And I was like, oh, and also because it's none of this is a person, a whatever. This is a lifetime of shit that we've gathered, you know, and we don't have to demonize anyone anymore. We don't have to villainize them. They aren't exactly what we know they were. And they hurt us really bad. But I don't know, I think this is the part where we don't give them that power anymore. We take it back. I was gonna say, yeah, I mean, at some point you have to just be like, okay, I can't care about that. I'm gonna figure out how to know it. I literally don't have room for this anymore. You know, I don't have room for the hatred that I have felt for this woman for so many years since I've allowed myself to, you know, but it's not even that many compared to how long I spent trying to, you know, make her love me or whatever. But I don't know. This is just a new way of thinking for me. And I'm just looking at every single interaction I have now. And I'm like, oh, God. No wonder they call this finding peace because damn, I feel so much peace. And I met who I want to give the first scholarship to for the master class, the finding piece master class. But yeah, I think that this, that's why I'm so excited for this group, dude. We're gonna get to know these shadows and how the hell they've been affecting our lives all day, every day. So the way that the royal tried to protect me yesterday, because it hit, I was home. And I think Jake was home, but he was asleep. Me and Charlie were up and Kendall did some. Oh, I had left him outside a little bit longer than I should have because I forgot. And because he usually barks like right away. So I didn't think about, I went and got him and he was kind of hot and I couldn't get him to drink water. And you know, he's not doing well. So I was feeling like my panic was starting to rise because I can't get him to do anything I want and whatever. And Charlie was like not leaving my side. So I was trying to not like be need to her, but I just, she was in my bubble and I couldn't handle it. It hit that, I don't know how I would label this, but it hit the space where I have felt so alone in crisis so many fucking times and left to hold the bag is how I feel. You know, like I'm the only one, you know, that can name so many fucking times off the top of my head, but I have no one. I'm just here on a fucking island and nobody fucking cares, you know. And it wasn't Brian's fault that he happened to be at work when that happened. And I did pick up my phone to start to send a shitty ass text like I do every single time in a crisis like that when I'm scared because I don't know what else to do when it, I go angry, right? That's not anger. That's not anger. That's a trigger. I'm a scared person starting to look for the bear because I know it's around the corner. And that's not anger. That's fear. And we call ourselves angry all the time. And I'm like, no, anger is when someone for real makes you mad, but or anger is that injustice, true injustice. You know, there's several things that can make you mad. But most of our shit, it ain't mad, man. It's fear or, you know, rejection, abandonment, loss, it's all the stuff. So I stopped myself and I was like, oh, you're lying to yourself. So clear sign if my back hurts in the upper back because I'm just, you know, scrunched up. I'm not feeling I'm thinking. And I know it sounds so stupid to have to look to a physical cue like that to realize, but I'm getting much better at being like, oh, okay, I'm thinking a lot. That's why I'm tense. I got to feel what am I feeling? And I was like, yeah, we both know this is not his fault. So what's going on? And I'm like, okay, I'm scared and I'm tired of feeling so scared and alone in crisis. Like, why can't this ever happen when someone else is around, you know, and when can I be taken care of? And it's just hitting that, you know, neglect. That's what it is. It's going to hurt. And so I was like, okay. So instead I said, Kindle is not doing very well. I feel very scared right now. Blah, blah, blah, like whatever else I said. Then his dumbass wanted to try to make me feel better with some, you know, fucking prophetic shit. And I was like, buddy, not going to be mean to you. I did. I wasn't mean, but I was like, not helpful. But thank you. Sorry. I'm just saying whatever pops my mind. I know you aren't. That's fine. Plus him. I'm excited for this book group, dude. I am too, actually, because as you're talking about this, I'm like, Oh, I can already hear the same. I feel that same way when I get really overwhelmed. I get really mad that I have to do it by myself. And I think I have lots of things where it's like, if somebody else isn't held accountable like that, if they mess up and then they just get whatever it makes me so mad. Like I'm so mad. And in real life, if you boil it down, everybody should get that extra, you know what I mean? But that's not how I feel. Well, yeah, I don't get that until it makes me mad. Yeah, it's hitting you in a really sore spot. And I didn't realize I had so many wounds, but damn it. I mean, I'm a fucking, I need a wing back over here. My God, I don't even know sometimes like, how do you feel better? You know, like that there's a lot of hope there when you're like, Oh, I'm normal, first of all. But like, I'm going to pause right here, Jane Doe. And I'm going to say the reason we are so tense is because we are so intense. And the reason we are so intense, not just because you're a cap rising and a sad son, thank you, is because we're fucking badass bitches who have fucking shown ourselves that we can do whatever the fuck we want to do in this life. Okay. All those shadows of shame and every dumb stupid fucking mean ass thing we've ever done to somebody to protect ourselves got us to this moment right here. And I am so fucking proud of both of us for what badasses we are. So I'm going to think every single shadow I have, because you know what? It's clearly done a very good job protecting my ass. And it worked a little. Yeah, it did it did exactly what it was supposed to do. That's the reason we all have the same shadows. Now, here, some are going to jump up more than others for, you know, depending on their wounding and how deep this particular one is and whatever. But I'm so happy because this tied together that whole thought that I had just been having, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. We're all the same. Like, I used to think it was categorized, kind of like, Oh, no, we're all the same. Every mother fucking one of us, we're all the same. We're all the same. And this, just like, okay, I feel so secure in that knowledge because I can now view any interaction as, you know, I'm not playing like, I'm not going to flip out and whatever, you know, I'm going to get triggered sometimes and still have trouble telling people how I feel when I know I'm going to disappoint them. I'm excited. This group, I feel like I'm going to start asking some people, you know, that I know. But if you can think of someone that you think would want you, I would love it. Like, if you think, you know, you know, who I'm thinking. So, getting of those gals would want to join. Yeah, I'd love it. I mean, what, 13, maybe? Okay. I mean, I would want them to be able to commit to once a week, like, at least, you know, 85% of the time that that is going to change the world. I know it's changing me already. So, I'm like, so excited. And I mean, I forgive myself, you know, I mean, I'm, I recognize that now and I'm going, this is like, it's crazy to think in two years with intentional work on this area, how much less I'm going to be reacting to people because it's not going to be them talking to me. I'm going to understand that and it was funny because I was just saying to Laney that same day that I want to be like so badly, I envisioned myself being able to step outside of myself to view interactions between myself and others and to just understand that these are just two people talking from their wound. She, we both kind of laughed at like, you know, that thought, but I really felt that yesterday when I started being like, what is this protecting you from? You know, what are you here for? I know, okay, fine. My bad, it's not his fault, you know, like, and I thought I got to see my brother Josh yesterday too. And I was thinking about him before he came over. And just all of the irritation I have felt with him our whole lives, you know, and I was like, my royal is real mean about him. And if this is about me and not him, what is this about? Because of course, you know what I'm talking about. So I was like, oh, I bet you I take responsibility for this. Otherwise, I wouldn't give a fuck, right? Like, if I saw somebody else's brother, not meet an expectation of societies or mine or whatever, whatever, why do I have expectations for my brother? You know, I mean, well, some of this stuff is that he really hits some of my wounding with his inconsistency, you know, like, I really do need reliability and consistency. And, you know, well, we're different. So he doesn't, to him, words don't mean as much as they do to me. So when he says, oh, yeah, I'll do that, whatever, he doesn't, he, it's not going to get committed to his memory because it's never going to mean as much as it does to me. That's just how I am. And there's just been so many times where I felt so let down. And I'm like, yeah, but you know, it's not really his fault that you're putting that much anything on him that he can let you down to that magnitude. But again, I was looking for confirmation that I'm fundamentally unlovable. So, you know, I mean, even with my own brother, but when I started to think about the royal coming out at him, I started to feel a lot of compassion, you know, like it makes me feel really emotional because I'm like, people are just doing their best, you know, we're all doing our best. So I don't know, shout out the shame. I think it's good work. And I want to be able to get scholarships to people. I don't know. Who is it by? Troy Love. I linked it, I think on my website on the people pursuing passion. He wrote the book, and then I think he did the masterclass afterwards. I was like, Oh, you know, I'm going to buy that for myself. I'm like, Oh, man, this is life changing shit. All right, I will be here Monday, one minute here. Mine, I believe is coming Sun tomorrow. Mine's coming tomorrow because I ordered it a couple days ago. Yeah. Hopefully my life is getting better soon. Oh, it is. I feel like it is. Just barely. Yeah, I kind of thought so because you weren't really. I mean, barely. That was a disaster. It was so funny. I came home today. Sweet little John Doe was like, okay, you're kind of you. I'm just like, I know. And he was like, I can see just like so much difference. I feel like such a way. Having too much to do. Yes. If I know what I'm doing is a lot, but this one thing that I was just doing, I didn't know how to do. And I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it. And I just cannot like sleep. Couldn't you know what I mean? Like, absolutely. Right. Am I going to be able to do this? Like, well, that's why it got so emotional because it's really triggering all that. It was triggering. I'm like, hey, I said get everything. This is like, I'm going to really lovingly encourage you next time I'm being dead serious right now to like handle that in a way that you don't usually and and reach out and let's do something like this. I know it's hard in the moment. I don't want to either. I made myself cultural. He said it cried out the other day. I didn't like it, but I had to. I had to get it out. I don't always know. Like, I'm so good at it that I have had it for me. Absolutely. And then when I get on the other side of it, I'm like, oh, no, I totally know what you mean. Because the only reason I recognized it is because I've been doing that thing where if I notice I'm very tense, then I know I'm thinking instead of feeling. And I was very agitated. And instead of just blaming that on PMDD, like usual, I was like, okay, but we could just try to figure it out real quick. And then I started to figure it out. I was like, okay, what's this feeling? And I'm like, I feel disappointed again and I feel abandoned and I feel rejected. And so I just started to go from there and I'm like, okay, and I cried a little bit. I mean, I just cry all the time now because that's the I've held it all in for so long and just quote unquote got mad, you know, and I made everything then. I think I might have even subconsciously maybe some of the behavior was to put the focus on that for both of us involved in the confrontation on my behavior in that moment instead of either of us digging back down, because boy, there for a minute, I remember I cried on the phone with someone because I was like, this is very tricky for me. And I'm really sorry, but I want you to see me, but like feeling like you're staring at me right now. We were just on the phone, but they said something that it felt like they were really looking at me. I felt naked in a crowd, you know, and I was like, Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't like this feeling. So that's why that reaction happened. I don't like for people to be able to see shit. I don't want them to see. I don't even want to see this shit. And I didn't realize I've been spending my whole life trying to stay blind because, well, that's how you survive. I mean, my God, a five year old can't process that. So what do they do? They say, Oh, my hierarchy of needs says, I got to figure out how the fuck I'm gonna go get some tuna out this can when I don't know how to use a can opener, you know, like, I got to figure that out. And you know, all the other dumb shit I did, like burned down a house, but you know, Oh my gosh. Well, I'm excited about this. I have a book on the way. I sent a text to see if anybody wants to join us. And yeah, I'm excited too. I actually like even just talking about that, I'm like, Oh, okay. I send a thing to all of the kids the other day that I had seen. And it was basically like, you know, these things, whatever, whatever. And I was like, I'm sorry that I did not like I sort of actively said the opposite of this to you because some of the things I thought were important, maybe I don't think are important. Now, Mike, I shouldn't have put that. That's a lot of heavy expectation. And I shouldn't have done that. Anyway, sorry to you. I know. I mean, that's what you do. But that's that's all we can do, dude. I mean, with any sort of an awareness or intent, but you just try to get them to that level, you know. And that's what motivated us. Right. So we thought that's literally why I was like, Oh, okay, you just use guilt and shame. I'm being dead serious. I did intentionally that part I did because I didn't realize what guilt and shame actually feel like because I had been, you know, denying that shit my whole life. But I literally was like, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do all that because that part worked. I mean, that really motivated me. I mean, damn, I'm over here. Yeah, I'm motivated. Yeah, girl. I guess so because this is the only way you can get an ounce of love is to do this. Terrible. It's terrible. It is what it is. I'm amazed at us though. You know, we just we made it. It's okay. We're fine. They're probably gonna be fine. So I'll be fine. I saw a little graphic the other day and it was like dirty muddy water and it was like, you know, just basically like family drama, like all of the things and then dump it into the next generation and then dump into the next generation. And it's just a growth that, you know, and then it's our generation where we are that they're pouring the clear water and it's like, you know, it takes some time when I'm murky and by that time you poured a little bit into the next, but it's like, okay, but you didn't get the mud. You didn't get the mud. At least we're trying a little bit, but we also have to get you all to like do some work with us because now we've gone for a long like, I thought you guilt and shame. Uh oh, I don't want that to be your knee, your reaction when you're in a situation. Like, I had a thing. I was telling them the other day, um, when we were in Mexico, when I don't, this is a weird thing, when I, when there's a language barrier, my brain automatically, I do Japanese customs because I was in Japan and that was the first time I ever really felt a language barrier. And so it's like, oh, that's what I learned. Like, so that's my reaction. And so I'm always worried about the stuff that I teach them. Like, I need them to also unlearn it with me because if I did that, then that's also their knee jerk reaction. And it's not a principle, right? Right. So it can't just be like me doing all the stuff. I want to also model to them, like how to do that. Absolutely. I don't know how to do that, but I think that would be an interesting thing too. It's like, you know, kids of like semi woke parents. No, for real, that would be a very good opportunity. I wish to God, I could get one of my kids to talk on here, but I can't. But my thing with that is they noticed starkly the first time you do it because when Bryson texts me and said, okay, mom, for sure, I'm moving home. And I said, whatever you need, I mean, everything in him was like, okay, you know what I'm like, all right, we're good because I was like, really, I wanted that's the impact I wanted him to feel of like, hey, I'm not hurt anymore. You know, like, I know I didn't back to you up, but you, you are always welcome home. Come home. This is your fucking home. You're always welcome here. But I guess with all the other messaging and whatever, that's the way he internalized and perceived what I have said. And it's fair. I mean, I wasn't asked. Our interactions even since then have been so much lighter. You know, that's our kids are so accustomed to us just fucking telling them new shit we've learned. So that's the great, you know, I mean, they're going to hear that. And then they're going to they're going to witness us really utilizing it. And then they start to ask this for advice. And they learn that they can trust us and that we're safe for them. And we can teach them how to be safe for others and safe for themselves, you know, I would love to. I mean, hey, truth is, the fact that we knew that paying for their therapy, even at times when it was a struggle to pay for it, we knew it was important. We paid for it. We paid for it. Whatever. You know what I mean? Like, you know, my grandma wouldn't have even if she had the money and I'll remind you that she said, I know you talk about me the whole time you're here. Some shit like that. And I was like, wow, I've actually never even brought you up because like, I didn't even allow myself to talk about her because I knew she was a fucking freak who didn't want me to talk about her. You know, is that a thing that you have struggled with ever? Because I find I don't want anyone knowing anything that happens inside of my house. Yeah, I struggled with it a little bit because it was like, feels a little bit like you're being judged and you don't get to have a side. But I saw what a difference it made. And so, I just like, it's okay. Yeah. It was just like, I find myself wanting to say like, don't tell anyone that to Charlie a lot. You know what I mean? If I never do, I never do say it, but I find myself thinking it a lot. I know I never do that, but I think because I lived so like, shamefully, I didn't ever want people at my house. And you know, I think I tried to be the opposite of that for the kids growing up. So I felt I was always kind of okay with all of that stuff. And I was pretty hard on them about stuff. You know, there are other people that are like, Oh, we let our kids do this and we do whatever. Like, no, not me. This was like an authoritarian regime. So yeah. Yeah. So it was like, my mom was so different around other people. And you know what I mean? It's everybody was like, Oh, she's so cool. And it was like, so I have always tried intentionally to be nicer when it's just them, like the opposite, you know? And so like, I don't know. Maybe somebody would tell them the cool mom. Probably not. I was the mom that made them follow the rules. The kids all knew like how it was going down. Don't get caught doing stuff at my house. I'm going to tell all your moms like, yeah. I mean, honestly, you were raising three boys. And so if you hadn't had that type of hold on them at that time, they can happen when you're single mom with three. For sure. And also, I mean, that oldest baby put us through all sorts of, you know, and also it was just me by myself. So yeah, I was very much like, no, this is how it's going down. Stopping. I found an essay. I made him right the first time I caught him so I can plot. Oh my God. I remember that. I made him write that, um, research paper. Yes. I am very medical journal about the effects of marijuana use on a teenage brain. I was punished while I was grounded and that little smarty pants, it's very well written. But I was looking for something the other day and it popped up in my G melod. I tried to be creative and, you know, like get them to do what I wanted them to do. And he just did whatever. I mean, exactly. He was a good kid. He just did dumb stuff. And I didn't have any. Like, it's hard when you have to be the mom and the dad. Well, period, the end, you were scared. I mean, that strike the heart of our fear. I mean, they are our greatest source of joy, but our greatest source of pain because we feel responsible and accountable for every move they make. Now that they're grown, it, uh, it's more of a subconscious thing, but it's still there. And that's where it goes to is that I don't even know what wound that hits, but it's like, oh, I fucked up. I fucked up. Oh no. And you know, it's just what shadow is it? The judge. I mean, it's just the judge fucking telling you what a piece of shit you are, you know, but it's stopping you from feeling like you're afraid that they're going to die of amorphine overdose or whatever it is, you know, you can tame yourself in a way that doesn't feel bad or scary or whatever, you know. So that's what you ever watched that stupid show on Netflix, Big Mouth. Uh-oh. Well, it's incredibly inappropriate, raunchy, terrible. Uh, during like the lockdown, we've found it and binge watched the season. It sounds stupid, just terrible. Uh, but in it, there's a thing called the Shane Monster. And these are all kids, they're teenagers going through puberty and it just follows them and it's disgusting, but they have the Shane Monster. And it's so funny, as you're talking about this, I remember that was like the scariest character in all of them. So they have these hormone monsters telling them to do dirty things or whatever. And they're like, oh, yeah, I don't know. And then the crazy like Shane Monster and just like, oh, and it just like makes all the kids feel terrible, whatever. But it, but it's true. I mean, it's exactly shame for normal human stuff, man. Yeah, I'm excited to read it. Me too. I'm so serious. I was really excited to see that they really like suggest doing it in a group. Because that's kind of what I had hoped for anyway, because I've been doing a lot of work books on my own. I'm sometimes tired of that. Let's talk about the social capital. Yeah. Okay. Well, um, these fireworks are just getting louder. So no real point in talking to you if it's gonna, you know, cover the audio. All right. Okay. We'll do it pretty. Bye. Hey, what do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like, and share. Also like, comment, and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook, emotionally and available podcast. You can shop my foot online, store, or schedule a one on one with me, emotionally unavailable podcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings, and self-publishing services. And thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast. All right. I hope you enjoyed this episode with Jane Doe, and I'm so excited for this book club, so I will be making more announcements about that later. All right, guys, that is it for me today. So until next time, let's all just keep swimming. - Hi, N-D-E-P-E, and cook.