Llayine - the absolute cutest and sweetest- is back today! We love a girls girl!!! Enjoy! <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 28: Aftermath
I'm sorry I can't tell a short fucking story. It causes more stress for everyone if I don't eat, so. (upbeat music) - Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hey guys, today we're back with Laney. We had given each other challenges for chaotic neutrals or to at least seek joy for ourselves. The last time we talked, and I don't think either of us did a great job following through, but we are both Jim and I, so neither of us are surprised by that, I'm sure. And Jason, your word of the day, even though you'll never hear it, is kudos. Kudos refer to praise someone receives because of an act or achievement or to fame and renown that results from an act or achievement. Kudos to everyone who helped clean up the community garden. Kudos. Gonna keep this intro short, don't have a lot to say. So I hope that you all are doing very well and I hope that you are pursuing your own passions and joy and just yourself. And this is a time to be very introspective and to let go of anything or any one or any place that is no longer serving you to the level that you deserve to be served. So it doesn't have to be a horrible person place or thing that you need to release, but if it's not for you, then let it go. So it can go like be for someone else, okay? And make room for yourself, for the things that are meant for you. Love yourself and love each other, you know? So I hope that you enjoy this conversation between me and Laney, I know that we had a good time and I will just talk with you guys later. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally, I'm available ♪ - Did you do any chaotic neutrals since the last time we talked? - Oh shoot, I did have one in mind. - Well, before you beat yourself up too much, the only thing I did was pretty pain, we'll say. - Yeah? - Well, because I wanted, I had several different ideas, but I even recorded myself doing this because it was like the first time I had done something like that. But my business cards came in, so I took a stack of them with me to Walmart when we were buying all this stuff for Charlie's birthday, like for her party, so she was helping me. She saw me put them like in random spots, just like, wherever, you know, and so she was like here, you know, fixing it and whatever. That's the only thing. I'd be somewhere and be like, oh darn it, and think, oh, if I moved their thing like an inch or whatever. But then like, there wouldn't be an opportunity or something. And you know what? This just really sums me as a person up so beautifully, because I've put way too much thought into how to do a chaotic neutral. And I don't think it has to be that complicated, probably, but you know, that's how I like to live my life, so. - No, it's so funny that you say that you remember something that I didn't call it. It's my freshman year of college. Until my other lived in the dorm room, the first time I ever lived away from home, like it was a weird year for me. I was trying to find joy in literally any way to perform I could create it, so it was obviously miserable. Sister had just had a bachelor at party that I think September or something, and she had penis stickers left over that somehow I ended up with. I did not really want or need these penis stickers, but one day I was looking for me things and I still had them and I was, I started just putting them in random places. Like our dorm, the bathroom was connected to another girl's dorm. And so I would stick them behind the shampoo bottles so that when they went to grab it and use it, I would see it only then. Or even in random places that you wouldn't normally just see it, but next to the handrail, just behind it, so that you wouldn't put your hand on the rail, you would see it. - And you're like, now, okay, were they made to look as much like the real thing as possible, or were they like pink? Easy to see if once you see it, you know what I'm like, bright, or was it like it's made to look like a penis? - I mean, they were flush colors, but they have like cartoon eyes and like-- - Okay, even better. - Even better. - Yeah, it's literally right. - It was a whole archeotype. - Yeah, truly, truly. So that was a little random thing I did at 19 years old, and it's like a chaotic control. - Yes, and it gives me good ideas too. Like, well, you know, 'cause I only have like this one frame of reference for it, so I'm trying to like think of stuff. I love those people who have posted videos like forever ago, like probably when YouTube was first out, where they had like just barely moved something, you know, so many times, like they would record every day then moving it just like a slight bit, and then finally like how long it took for somebody to notice. I'm like, that's so mean, it would probably take me forever to notice. - No, I saw a video not telling her to go the girl that she was in someone's house, and she got left alone in a room for a while, for some reason, I don't remember the context, but they were someone that had like a table and shelving full of all kinds of little figurines, and she just turned them all backwards, and so I ended up walking in on her doing this. She was like, "I had one more." - Later! - Let me finish it! - That would be me. - Yeah, that's so funny. - I know, it's like probably honestly more of a chaotic bad, because then someone stuck this getting a message and they have to like turn it out. - Well, they have to look around. - It's not back to my, like it's super-- - Well, I think if it doesn't take that long and you're laughing, you know? - Yeah. - Did you do anything like just random to like be joyful? - I mean, what first comes to mind is something my husband has done at the chaotic control, and then I'll try to think a bit more about myself but yesterday I noticed this is actually more of a chaotic bad, also a noise me so badly, but it doesn't be that. So I will count it as a neutral, but he takes Q-tips sometimes. You know, I told you about the Apple stickers. He takes Q-tips sometimes and hides them in places, and yesterday I have like a living closet in the hallway. - Yeah. - And I like, just this week had a hat hanging on the doorknob and like right on the hat, like on the doorknob, he had like bent a Q-tip in half where it's like in a little V-shaker and it's sitting on top of like the hat. And it's like, it took me forever to see it because of how it's positioned. - There is no way this dude is not a Leo rising because Capricorns are not that fun. I'm sorry. - No, he's so random, I think. Like he seems like he's never serious. Like he's just so hilarious. Like he does the dumbest shit to you, and I think it's so crazy. - So annoying, but yeah. - I know it would irritate me too, probably, but like not. - I'm gonna make it up. - It seems really fun. Like, oh, he just randomly put stick. Well, I would get pissed if there was a stick or somewhere that I could not reach to get off. That would piss me off. But I would be like, okay, that's so cute. Couldn't get it off. - No, he does little stuff like that, like all the time. I think it's his life mission. - I think he's like a kid, we're too bored. - Well, that's a thing, man. Y'all keep moving and, you know, he probably makes friends really easily, especially with his job, but like, you know, y'all spend, actually, I'm making this up. I don't fucking know shit about what you do with your time, but my assessment of your time is that you guys probably spend the majority of like free time together. But. - Oh, we do, we do. I mean, we love every second of it. I mean, he annoys me. - Yeah, I know him, but like, ultimately, that we'd rather be together, so. - Oh, absolutely. But like, you know, it lends itself to a little trickery because what else you can do, you know, when you're-- - I always tell him, I always tell him, like, are you treating him or civically? Like, you're thinking-- - He doesn't have the death of your results. Everybody like puts dye in her shampoo and like, you know what I mean? - No, he does feel like that all the time. He always, he is, he is just a chaotic natural person. I'm kind of realizing as we talk. Like, he will have set like, certain things up side down or like, like, leave the jelly out in a place, like that is kind of obscure. 'Cause he knows that I'm like, a freak about, like, if it needs to be refrigerated, it has to stay in the refrigerator. He's like, what's gonna happen? I'm like, you're in botulism? - Oh, die. - Okay, is this just a male thing? Is that-- - Oh my God. - Corelli, when you finally listen to this episode, we have a new teammate. Because we talk about our husbands all the time because they don't believe in expiration dates. - Oh my God. - They eat shit that's not okay to eat when it's expired. Okay, and it's like, this is why you spend all your fucking time on the toilet. I'm sorry, but it's true. And also why that toilet time always comes when we're about to leave the house. Because you just had to eat the food that was left in the refrigerator. - You know, my friends, Shaq and Deb, you know, they're the besties I had on and they've been friends forever and they're roommates and they have great systems for things and they're the most OCD clean people. And so for me, that gives me joy when I'm in an OCD person's house. I mean, sort of, I was, you know, I get a little uncomfortable sometimes 'cause you're like worried you're gonna, you know, mess something up. But mostly just the aesthetic and the, you know, sponge wave at all or whatever. I'm like, oh, so clean and I didn't have to do it. So great. So they have this system for dinner and they, like one of them cooks and the other one does the dishes or something. And they, it freaks me out every time they do it when I'm there, but they throw their leftovers away or they give it to the dog. Like they're like, eh, we're done. And then my friend Jessica did that the other day too. Like there was leftover pizza and I was like, I mean, I didn't fucking know you meant it's gonna get thrown away if you don't want any more right now. I would have hoarded the shit, you know, like. (laughing) But I'm like, okay. - Still gonna apparently always just throw the dog on the right when I wanna actually like relax and take a long bath. That is the one time that I'm like, okay, you can have your private time anytime, but right now. - Well, and don't play. You do take your private time all the time. You know what I mean? - I mean, he's pretty good about it. Like he doesn't. - Oh, see, Brian, and he's not. - I don't think that he's like trying to hide out or anything like that. Like some people say, I know that some of why he does that right before we leave and stuff is like, just to make sure 'cause, you know, he doesn't wanna take care of his IBS, you know. He's lactose intolerant and just refuses to not eat lactose. And it's not just a little bit intolerant. And so I'm like, I don't understand that because if something caused my stomach to hurt that bad, it would be very rare that I ingested it. - Yeah. - 'Cause I've done that. - That way, because this is a man thing. This has gotta be it. What's with the expiration date thing though? I mean, I think, honestly, how old are Dylan's parents? - Late, niggies. - Okay. So just a little bit older than Brian. And his generation of men and older, I think it was probably influenced by A, the depression, but B, Brian's family, they are very, I wanna say like homesteaders, but the older generation probably was, but they very much grew their own food. You know what I mean? Like the grandparents did, they had this huge garden. And then if you, we need to start just like, everybody take one little piece of what's left over and throw it away on the sly when he doesn't know. And then that only leaves us enough to where he's not gonna 'cause he will, he will continue to eat it until it's gone. And that's because when he was being raised anytime, he didn't get to see his grandparents or other family like a ton because he mostly lived in Germany because of military, but with the garden, they would grow their own stuff. And then, you know, you just kind of have random stuff put out on the table because that was left over from three days ago. You know, like they ate the shit till it was gone. Okay, honey, it's not fucking the depression. And it's also not the 70s, okay? It's 2024 and food is just not to be left in the refrigerator for too long. And then be like, "Well, still gotta eat it." First of all, portion sizes are too big anyway. We do sneak stuff into the trash cans sometimes. Jake and Charlie, they got into this. We, our internet was out for like a week. And so I'll tell you what, bored children love each other more and they are more productive. And so he's like, come on, Charlie, let's clean up the refrigerator, which actually was like so helpful to me because the refrigerator being stocked full of shit that needed to be cleaned out was kind of paralyzing me to like not deep clean other parts of the kitchen. And to me, like a room's not clean unless I know within the last like four days, everything's been sterilized. - I'm not crazy about expiration dates. It feels reasonable, it smells reasonable and looks reasonable for him here. Like not too far fast. - I'm not going to point, honey. He goes well beyond what's reasonable. - To be honest with you, like I think this long man is, yeah, I think the reason he's the longest that anything should be like left in the refrigerator and anything in my opinion. - But also not huge on leftovers. - Yeah, I love that for you. - So I'm not, some things I am, but other things, most of the time I'm not going to eat leftovers, not for any reason other than things just have to sound good at the moment. Like when I'm stressed, this is a new thing over the last couple of years. I get, I don't know. I guess I've never been this tense in my life either. So that makes sense. But tension makes me lose my appetite now where I used to be a stress eater. And now it's an uncomfortable feeling to even think about food whenever I'm in that place. But Brian pretty much has to like force feed me in those moments because it causes more stress for everyone if I don't eat safe. - I never understood that. - Because my friends that were like, oh, I can't stress. I'd be like, well, that's usually when I consume my whole bag of chocolate chip cookie. - Maybe two year round, 'cause my mom was always that way too. Like if she was stressed or anything like cheap for the eat. I don't know, if I had to learn that from her, if it's natural, I don't know. - I honestly think it's like biophysical because I don't, I mean, I would love to, you know, like I want to feel better. And then, I mean, 'cause it'll be like hours. I'll be like, even like crying. 'Cause like I'm not feeling hunger pains because of how tight everything is. But I know I'm hungry. 'Cause my body feels it. Like I will have not eaten all day and it's like 6 p.m. And then me being a giant crazy ass and Brian will just be like, I made you this. And last night I was like, thank you. Even though it didn't look good, it didn't smell, it was good and it wasn't his fault that like it wasn't looking good or smelling good. I just didn't feel like eating. But I was like, okay, you're right, I do need to eat this. So I like had a couple pieces and I was like, okay, that's all I can do right now. Thank you for bringing me that. You know what, something just popped in my head that I want to, I kind of want to, I don't even know how to like talk about this. It's not serious at all, but we have this fight a lot. And I wonder if other couples have this fight where I want to preface what I'm about to say with, I am blown away with the changes that I have seen in Brian in our relationship just since I started this podcast. So he is hearing me, he's listening. I feel very seen by him for the first time in our entire relationship, which we've been together for 15 and a half years. So I want to say that, but a thing that we're having struggles getting past is, especially right now where I'm kind of like, I've been working my ass off to get caught up on all the things that are drowning me, right? So right now I'm still kind of in the go, go, go place. That means my brain is very, very full. And I don't really have a lot of room for anything, but it's worse now because of that. But this is something I struggle with really in everyday life. So Brian loves choice and variety in all things. And like he says, and he gets this from his mom because he will say in childhood, he never ate the same thing twice. Like she never made a recipe the same way twice, which is so opposite from me because the things that I've got over and over and over, I still look at the recipe. Like I'm not like the creative cook at all. So I'm like, what? She's just had cherries though. So you know, they can think on the fly a little better than I can, but that doesn't register to me like at all. 'Cause I'm like, oh no, I don't like change at all, but they love it, they thrive on it. At least they think they do. And so the fight that we have is he just did this to Charlie last night. I caught him fixing it really quickly though. So I was like, okay, 'cause I didn't say anything when I was hearing it. Like, hey Charlie, do you want some of these burn ins? And she was like, what's burn ins? And I said, you like them. And she said, okay, yeah, I'll take some burn ins. And then he's getting him out, but he has to say, oh, or I have pulled pork. That was very minor, but it's all the time and he'll start with two choices and then he just keeps on going. And now I'm, I cannot. I'm like, oh my God, that's way too much because he doesn't understand like yesterday. Okay, I'm sorry, I can't tell a short fucking story. Okay, yesterday, you know, Charlie, the things that we bought for her little sleepover party were these, have you seen in a little tent, like TP tent? You know, that whole setup, okay, we did that. It was all set up. I went to Arkansas overnight to see my brother in Jessica and came home really early yesterday so that I could work on the shit I'm behind on. I just, and Brian came in and one of the things that he's been doing to help me because I'm in so much pain all the time is like, if I'm working, he knows that no matter where I'm at, at this point working, I don't have a real comfortable space for my back. And so he'll come in, he'll rub my shoulders like where those really bad knots are just for a minute, just for support, whatever. I love that because it helps a lot because I am in constant pain. When he comes in, he goes, hey, do you want me to take that tent down? And I'm just sitting there kind of considering what he said because that caused about three things to enter my mind. And then he started like, he said one more thing, it wasn't even that much, but I'm like thinking, okay, I know what your next fucking question's gonna be. Like, okay, so then where do you want me to put stuff? You know, like I knew if I were to say yes, I was gonna get a lot more questions. And also when I'm doing something that I don't wanna do and I have to focus, I wish he wouldn't interrupt me at all. If you're gonna do something, like just do it. I did get very upset at his response whenever I was like, are you kidding? I mean, just like, please, just why are we doing this right now? I mean, I literally cried for like an hour afterwards 'cause I was so pissed 'cause I didn't wanna be doing what I was doing anyway. And I was very overwhelmed by it. Like, I had just sat down to start something that I have been so far behind on. And I was in such a good mood because I'd had to fix something to be able to even do it. And to fix something is the reason it got behind. So I was all like, yay, I don't wanna do it, but we're gonna get it done. And then here he is. And I was like, I'm trying so hard here, Jesus. I wanna be nice to my husband, but he just doesn't listen to me. First of all, it's just one thing you understand. And second, like, what the fuck, you know? - Yeah, so I am such an interesting mix of both you and Brian. I'm very overwhelmed with too many options. And I also like to ask him the question so that I fully understand and can execute something perfectly because that's how I have to do things in my mind, right? So for example, so like, just again, I am someone that like when I'm doing something, I feel like from an outside perspective, it should be very obvious. And to knowing me, like, you should know that I am focusing and I'm not gonna be able to even respond meaningfully because like I am in it, you know? - Right. - So I know that about myself, Dylan knows that about me. He's pretty good at respecting that, but he also isn't someone that asks a lot of questions. So it's not usually a problem. But yesterday he was wanting, like he streams on YouTube and he was wanting to start his stream. And I came in and I was like, hey, before you do that, do you have time for like a quick conversation about our trip to Oklahoma? He said, yeah, what's up? And I was like, okay, well, what dates were you thinking? And so we were talking about it. He's like, well, I'm thinking to fit. And we started talking more about it. And I was like, okay, well, to do that, we'll have to stay 15 'cause you have, okay, what about the seven? And I was like, well, we'll do that. And this, you know, I'm just trying to talk it out. And like, what are our priorities here? Like, how do we compromise? Like, I just wanna get a set plan right now quickly so that we can start planning. Well, that pissed him off because I was just going too far with it. Like, he's a guy already told you what I thought, like, you need to make a decision. I'm trying to do something. And I was like, okay, well, I couldn't, like, 'cause what ended up happening is he like, took his headphones off and he's like, screw it. I'm just not even gonna stream. Like, I'm just, I'm over it. I'm not doing it. And I was like, what? Like, it felt random to me. Like, I felt like it was going to fit. And I didn't understand. And, well, I'm sorry, sure. The conversation was triggering for a whole different reason. After an hour of talking about it, we figured out. But it annoys him when I asked too many questions because he feels almost like, yeah, almost slighted in a way. Not necessarily, like, with an agenda behind it or anything like that. More so, like, I've said what I've said and I met when I said, like, why don't you keep needing to question me about it? Like, kinda, yeah, it just depends on what it's about. Yesterday, it was literally about an opinion on a trip, very minor. But sometimes it's about other things that are deeper. And he's like, no, I love this. 'Cause this is, we have a lot. Yeah, he feels like I'm questioning his integrity for it. Yeah, like, something like that. And I'm like, I'm super, like, my questions have zero to do with you, except for the fact that you're not telling me enough. And I feel like I'm trying to make things better. Well, probably twofold, like me, like, we're one part. I'm always like, okay, I'm so sorry. But the only way I can know that I fully understand what you are saying is to repeat back to you. But in words that I understand from my brain, because if you say, yeah, that's right, then I feel like I conceptualized what you were saying correctly. But some people get, like, I say that 'cause even, like, with bosses or whoever, I would always have to just say that out loud. I can think of so many times that I'm just staying there like, nay, I'll start and get it, actually. Yeah, well, and what ended up happening yesterday and what we've kind of talked about before is, like, in the moment, for me, it comes down to communication, him telling me what he needs, which is not something I'm always good at asking. I found this out three years ago in therapy that, like, all of our conversations were really revolving around what I needed from him. When in reality, like, if he's getting what he needs, I'm usually gonna get what I need. And I still, like, I'm a wife that does everything for him that I possibly can. I care more about him than anything in the world. Like, how am I not giving him what he needs? But ultimately, it's because it wasn't asking that he wasn't sure how to tell me. - And you were assuming, yeah. - Yeah, I'm just assuming. So yesterday, I really came down to it and said, like, hey, in that moment, where, like, if you're wanting to do something, all you have to say to me is, "Hey, dude, "I do want to talk about this, "but can we table it for later, "so it can start mainstream?" - A little more in depth than I had planned on, so if you want to take that information that we just talked about and then come back when my stream's over. - Yeah, like, as soon as you recognize that this conversation's not doing what you want it to do or it's going in a way that you don't like, instead of just getting mad, I think, like, I don't care, you pick, you know, stuff like that, like, literally all you have to tell me is whatever you need to that moment. Like, okay, I'm gonna need it, I need space. Or, hey, this is not a problem. Let's just talk about it later. I'm not ready to decide right now. Sounds like they're more to talk about whatever. Really, any variety of phrases would do for me. As long as it's kind and direct, all day long, I'll take that, I have zero feelings about that and I will always respect that. So, like, I don't know though, for me though, sometimes I have to go through that experience of being triggered and being a dick before I understand what happened and not repeat it again. I feel like that happens all the time, actually, where I'm like, "Oh shit, I'm sorry," you know? - It's always gonna happen. Like, we're never gonna communicate properly. We're not even always gonna know what we need. Like, nine times out of 10, I don't, in the moment. It'll take me till tomorrow to figure out, "Oh, and not all that, I probably needed this." - But in my episode with Jenny Kempton, something that really, in editing and everything else that has stuck with me that I wanna do more with, is she's just kind of doing a conscious stream for like a second, where she's like, "If I am, you know, if I'm experiencing this wound, "maybe I need this or if this, than this, if this." She says a few things and I was like, "Damn, she just broke that down so simply." And I feel like that's part of what I need in my room on that little sticker thing I wanna print for decoration, is like, "Okay, if then, boom." You know, 'cause I'm getting really good at identifying when it triggers there, where it stems from all that, even in real time. I don't always know what to do in that moment though, because just to break it down, again, for people who don't understand PTSD, and especially CPTSD, if you are in a triggered state, you, your brain thinks that you are running from a bear. I mean, it literally is doing everything it fucking can to make you survive. So everybody listening, I would really love if you would take one second to picture yourself running from a bear and what your body might feel like in that moment, because I swear to God, it feels that way. My, I can't breathe, my heart is so fast, and it's something stupid, like, do you want me to put that TP up? You know what I mean? And I'm running from a bear. I'm sorry that I have that kind of brain. So after, 'cause he got really pissed at me, and not, I mean, thank God he's so calm, because I was like, "Really, you're a man?" Who I made a big scene out of it, anyway. Afterwards, I was like, "Okay." Actually, I don't even know if I apologize, sorry, Brian. I was like, "You can understand that possibly my brain "doesn't respond to things like yours does, right?" And I get that to you, this is how you live your life, and it's what makes you feel safe. He hasn't figured out yet, and I haven't said this to him, so you can see it on here. He hasn't figured out that his love of choice has much more to do with his love of control than it does his love of variety, so, you know. And so I love that he's trying to give me control, but that ain't the way to do it. And also, are there times that you just need to feel like someone else has it, you know? Like, you being charged because you being that makes me feel real fucking safe when I'm in the middle of a storm. With you just put that umbrella over me, you know? That's real good stuff. But this whole like, "Do you want me to hold the umbrella?" Or like 75 other options because he is smart, so he can come up with a lot of fucking options. Lots of choices to offer, and I can't, man, because I'm just, I flood really bad, and I don't know how to describe that to him, but you say one thing, and it's a word association. So, all the things that it makes pop up related to the content you're speaking about is not it. There's also a lot more content outside of what you're speaking about that pops up from word association. I can't even have a conversation without getting overwhelmed by my thought. And he was very kind at that point. I'm sure he was just glad I was done crying, but I was like, I need you to just hear that like, I don't want to make your life difficult, but I do want you to make some choices sometimes. You know, like, you can be in charge, and to be fair to him, yes, there have been times in the past when he's made decisions, an executive decision that I wasn't happy about. Before the burn-ins, the first question was, so do you want me to feed her, or blah, blah? And I was like, yeah, the amount of times I've been asked that question in 10 years since this child's been born, it's so confused. But like, oh no, man, if you think your kids hungry, maybe just feed the kid without asking me if I think you should feed the kid, you know? - Yeah, or maybe just say like, hey, did you have plans for dinner, or can I go ahead and make Charlie dinner now? - Right. - Like, I think the intent behind the language can be shown just on how you say it, which goes just a long way. I think there are a lot. I think a lot with Brian, sounds like his intentions are really good. It's really good. - It's really good. And like, the, you know, overall impact on you. And Dylan and I talk about that a lot. I talk about that with my students. I really talk about that with everyone. Because intent versus impact, I think is a huge line that a lot of people don't see or understand. Even ourselves in the moment, even people that do understand that like, we don't always recognize that you're kind of separating that or not seeing the connection. And I also, others, like, you run into someone and break their arm. Like, you didn't mean to run into them. You weren't looking. It was an accident. Your intentions weren't bad, but your impact is that they do it in a broken arm. 'Cause you're sorry to make their broken arms go away. No, but like, anytime we can organize our thoughts in a way that like is simplistic. - Yeah, we didn't have the same kind of brain as me, obviously, you know? And I don't know that it is that hard for him to understand. I think I probably trigger him too in those moments because he feels like, don't need him. I don't want him. I'm rejecting him. I think he thinks I'm insulting his intelligence. You know, all of those things. And I'm like, I'm sorry, but like, I didn't ask you to ask me the questions, can you know? Well, the first thing that he got upset about was me expressing a stress. He offered a solution without being asked for one. And I said, well, I don't know how I could do that. That was my tone. And he said, you're right, I'm stupid. And I said, well, no, I don't think that you're stupid. I just, I literally don't know how I could do that because X, Y, Z. And he's just staring at me. And he was like, mm-hmm, great, you're upset. That's fair, that's fair. That you're now upset because you entered a space where I was busy working and then started a conversation that my response has now, okay. Cool, we're in a fight and I didn't even start it. Great, love it, love this for me. That's the thing is, like, when I taught about accident versus on purpose, because, you know, I'm real guilty of saying this to my kids 'cause that's what was said to me, but, you know, well, just sorry, make my arm quit hurting, you know, or whatever, when they hurt you or do something like that, or break something in the, I'm sorry, Mom, are we gonna fix this glass or whatever? You know, like, because mostly I just want you to shut the fuck up and let me deal with this for a second before, like, whatever, but, you know, I gotta be awesome and just come out with the triggered response. Accident versus on purpose is like, hey, just because you didn't mean to doesn't mean that you didn't. So you have to acknowledge what caused the accident that you understand that's what caused it and what you're gonna do next time to try to minimize, you know, the opportunity for things like this to happen because, you know, we're not gonna be perfect, we're gonna fuck up. And then I teach them, and also they may in their hearts forgive you in that moment. They may not be mad, but, like, when someone's in pain, that may not be the time to get them to, like, say, let me reassure you that our relationship's gonna be okay. - The intention behind that is really, you're just trying to make sure the other person knows your intentions so that you can feel about it. - Right, exactly. - Whether you like to admit that or not. - Not getting yourself 'cause you don't want to take accountability for that. - Ultimately, sorry is a meaningful word, but, like you said, the equality truly has to have a little more to it to be meaningful. And so you maintain that relationship and the timing and place of that quality at all is important to yourself. - Yeah, because saying it while I'm, like, still upset or hurt or whatever, yeah, I do forgive you pretty much immediately, but I'm still hurt. So I have to deal with that before I can, like, be calm again. So just, you know, if you could just let me have that minute, that would be great. - Yeah, I think that this isn't really something that probably people talk about that much, but I think you can see that it's very, like, mutually beneficial to think of it in the way, you know, intent versus impact, because I, as the receiver of some bullshit in that scenario, now can be like, okay, you know, I did know, I know him well enough to know with the same fight over and over. I know what his intent is, I knew when it was happening, if that would stop a triggered response, that would be so good for me, but it doesn't. But now after when I was done crying, I, I mean, I knew the whole time, but I also couldn't help how big the feeling got. I hadn't eaten and I was exhausted. And so I cried and then I was like, okay, I feel calm enough to, like, have the conversation now. But it was never a question of whether or not I was gonna get over it. I mean, I know this man. I know that he just is trying to help me, you know, but you're not helping. Please drop in places and please, like, be in charge sometimes I don't want to be in charge anymore. And something that he, like, just understood yesterday was me saying, okay, but you know how, like, overwhelmed that you get, like, with work stuff? Imagine if you had to feel that and home stuff. No matter how I say it or what I say, I do the majority of the shit around this house. He would disagree with you, but in terms of cleaning, now, listen, I have not cooked a meal and I can't even tell you how long because, no, because it's a dishes thing. I'm not doing dishes anymore. I just, I'm like, and I don't have the emotional capacity to stay on a kid's ass about. I just don't care enough. I'm like, eat whatever Brian makes or what, you know, we just buy shit they can, you know, do stuff themselves, whatever. I just, I'm not there. I'm not, I'm not doing it. He will do that. He does one of that and he does, like, grocery shopping and shit like that 'cause he loves that. Don't let that man act like it's a job. He fucking loves going to the grocery store. Loves it. Extra bonus points if he gets to go to Aldi, okay? 'Cause that man loves Aldi. - Well, I think the thing with Brian is that, like, first of all, it sounds like you carried a lot of mental labor around. - Yep, I say mental load. That word, that phrase a lot and he gets so fucking irritated with me because he doesn't get it. And I'm like, well, I can't explain it to you because you don't have to juggle all the schedules. I was like, do you have it anywhere on a two list to make a kid's doctor's appointment? Or, you know, figure out surgery for Jake? Any of that. Is that anywhere on? And I have this whole fucking list that only has to do with home and kid. He doesn't have a single fucking item on a list. That has to do with home and kid. - Well, it feels unfair. I'm sure he has a lot of other things on his mind, but, like, I don't know if that's, and I don't know, Brian, but I don't know if that's within his capacity to think the way that you do. So it's one of those things where you have to be like, do I just let that go? Or do I continue to, like, communicate that to him that it's something that is important to me and that's happening in hopes that he changes something? Like, for me, that conversation, I'm already so tired of it. We've been married for six years. I'm already so tired of trying to describe my mental labor that I'm doing every single day, keeping track of, okay, you're out of jail or I need to get that next time I go to the store. Or, you know, like, you know, we even have a calendar, like my medical calendar on our fridge. It's got, it's like a paper one. So we got off and tweet, he's got a grocery list and like, I'm the only one that writes on it. I'm writing, you know, shampoo goes out on this day, trash needs to be taken out tomorrow. I heard this at the time at this time, you have a game this day, lead eggs. Like, I'm constantly keeping up with that in the hopes that I'll look at it and try to contribute in some capacity because you've talked before and you said that you would. And sometimes it does, but ultimately, it's really just for me. So, that's a hard part. - Well, and honestly, has been one of our biggest issues, but it's what made me start to really look within because, I mean, it is important to me and a need for consistency and reliability. Brian, in some ways, he's the most consistent person ever because he doesn't lose his temper. So, that's probably the number one, like safety for me and the most important. So, if he did lose his temper, that would probably change things significantly because he can't be consistent or reliable in any other way. I'm not gonna get into examples of that because I don't wanna be disrespectful, but, you know, lots of unreliability, which for somebody like me who has been let down a thousand fucking times by people and just has kind of a sensitivity and a wound about this. Yeah, not just kind of a sensitivity. I have a huge fucking wound here. And it's all related to parents and abandonment and rejection and loss and all the things. And I did question whether or not this was something that could be worked through. For me, the answer was yes, because so much of the cap, like the limit and why I've hit that and can't take anymore is because I'm in this career that's making me unhappy. So, like, all that was taking up a lot of space in my brain. So then, you know, normal motherhood and life shit was just a little bit too much. At that point, I do wish that he could have come up with a system or something else to have been more available and helpful and whatever, but also I know up until this podcast, very rarely did I explain things to him in a way that he could hear me or see me or hold me, you know, because it's either I'm talking too much or, you know, he can't do that. And I do know what he has the capacity for. And I try really hard to be respectful of that. I just don't necessarily feel like I always get that in return, you know, because you're doing the same shit. I've asked you not. This is very few things that I've been like, that sends me over the fucking edge. I need you to stop, you know. And yet it's frustrating. - I'm sorry, well, I guess bitch about her husband's long enough. I appreciate your time today. I'm just accepting shit. You know, I'm like, oh, okay. And that's what people don't understand. The depression this last bit really was not, I did struggle with some self-doubt and stuff. That was a really bad three weeks. But also in the midst of that was this overwhelm. It was too much. So I'm like, okay, we are almost done. - Good luck with that. I also have asked someone for help today. And I feel stupid for not asking earlier, but now they have a tendency back. So I'll see how stupid I had for lots of people. - It's all right. It's still early where they are. - So that's getting the nerve to ask for help. And then. - Well, I will say I did something good for myself a few days ago. I don't know if you can see it, but I bought a miniature, please. It's over here. - I do. - I've been jumping and, girl, I'm sore. - Oh, fun. Oh, I bet you're sore. - I just put my headphones on and I just danced. And honestly, my arms have sore, but I wanted them to be. 'Cause I don't feel like I do that for my arms. - Yeah. - And honestly, I like going to the gym sometimes, but I'm not really going all the time to be fun. It's anxiety. - Yeah. - And I don't like having to think about what I'm wearing and then going out into a place. I don't know. It's totally a new thing. - That's your thing, yes. - Ever made me feel that way. It is what went into some anxiety issue. But anyway, I love working on it at home. And even though I am on the third floor and my downstairs neighbor, I created God. She doesn't hear it. I put, obviously, I have the rug there and then I put the yoga mat under it to make sure we question it. All the force goes into the chair and believe cart, though. I don't hear any more. - Like into the middle? - Yeah. So I think I'm good. - You feel like, you know what I mean? 'Cause usually like it's the feeling on the floor or the ceiling or the wall that. - Yeah, we have a pretty creaky wood floor and I don't hear anything when I'm jumping on the trampoline. So I think it's okay. - Awesome. - I'm jumping for a four day street. - Backyard. I need to go jump on that with Charlie. - Dude, I saw a girl, I don't know if I told you this already. It's like I've been telling everyone. I saw a girl on TikTok to say that 10 minutes of jumping on trampoline is the equivalent to like 30 minutes of running. I don't know if that's like cardio wise or whatever. - I bet you it is. - That's what I did for me. - So it's up for me. She said that NASA says that. I have not checked up on that information. - I can do that. - I need to explore time. - Okay. - Honestly, there's parts of my body that are sorted that I did not foresee. Like my abs. - I'm moving up that long ago. - Yes, I wouldn't because you have to tighten and use your core. - If you're gonna protect your back, you know? - Yeah. - That's part of my issue is my lower back. But yes, we have this huge ass tumbling in the backyard and you just go use that. Okay, I'm writing this down. I'm going to jump at least once this week and I am going, I've been making myself like getting the pool for a second or well, you know, just like little things that I'm like, okay, what's something fun we can do? I took the girls to get snow cones the other day. I'm being more intentional about joy and I did something that really stressed me out to go to Arkansas when I scheduled myself to go and I knew it was just gonna be a night. I just wanted to see them. I had a nail appointment scheduled for four o'clock with, I mean, the person who does my nails, like we've become friends, but even still, she does this out of her house. So like, you know, and she's got a lot, she's very busy 'cause she's very good, first of all, but also she's got kids and she's like doing this from home mostly and, you know, her priority is her family. And so it can be tricky if it's kind of like, well, Suzanne, if you fucking miss your wax, like you're not getting in for another minute. So I'm not gonna get in there 'cause I was about to tell you a terrible story. Anyway, I have this nail appointment. I don't want to get to Arkansas that late. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was about to cancel on Arkansas and I'm like, man, I just don't, I gotta see people. I can't only do this, like, you know? So I just was like, honestly, and she was so sweet and understanding to me. And I was like, that was a great example of how you just need to utilize a little bit of problem-solving skills and then work through the problem. And then you're fine instead of thinking of all the ways that's overwhelming you, you know? - Yep. - So that was a big deal for me. I was proud of myself, look at you, Kevin. I was gonna ask what's a good thing you've done for yourself lately, so that's good. - Okay. - I appreciate your time today. - Thank you. - All right, have a good day. - Bye, bye, you too. - Bye. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ - Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? Listen. First and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like, and share. Also like, comment, and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook. Emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online, store, or schedule a one-on-one with me. Emotionally unavailablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings, and self-publishing services. And thank you so much for listening to the Emotionally unavailable podcast. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ I hope that you guys liked that episode with Laney. And I hope that it helped you. I'd love to hear from you. And like I said, I hope that you're pursuing yourself, having conversations about what you're feeling and what you need. And, you know, my thing with understanding that your friend or partner doesn't have the capacity to meet you where you are, I believe that that understanding should only go as far as you need it to go. Because, like I said, in the intro, it doesn't have to be horrible to not be for you. And I'm not saying that anything that we discussed was like a deal breaker or anything like that. But, you know, that's a struggle that Brian and I have had for years. But at the same time, well, my stress matters just as much as his does. And, you know, this goes for emotional conversations and emotional toll as well. I had watched this video. I don't remember where YouTube or something and came to him with the philosophy of it. And it was, hey, YouTube needs to be able to be honest. Sometimes one of you can only bring 20% and the other may only have 20% too. So what do you do when neither of you has anything to give? Or neither of you has the strength in that area to be able to complete those tasks? Well, they have to get done somehow, right? So in my opinion, it's not fair for me to get the majority of the household/child responsibilities just because he doesn't have the capacity in his brain. So I guess that's probably just me being triggered. And, like, I started talking and, you know, triggering my own ass. But, okay, thank you guys for listening. And until next time, let's all just keep swimming. (upbeat music) I am DEPE and cut.