We get to know Producer Charlie, talk about our neighbours and advise our loyal patrons.
Boys Gone Wild
Boys Gone Wild | Episode 234: Bad Neighbours
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Well, I'm drinking, you're normally drinking. - I'm not always drinking. - You're normally drinking? - On a podcast. - Yeah. - I've actually, I don't even know about other than last, other than the last day. - But you know, I thought I'd get on it 'cause this is, we're batch cooking. - Yeah. - And I'm drinking like a, there's a new beer that's got like a, a bottle like a perfume bottle. - You're a little fancy pants. - No, I, yeah. - You're a fancy pants. - Yeah. - You're a, you're a, a piggy wiggy. - Yeah. - You're a trough. - I'm a trough boy, but at least like, you know, I know that all beer is beer fundamentally, whereas you're still learning that. - Yeah. - All beer is beer. - All beer is beer. Put anything in a bottle, start the taste like piss eventually. - Yeah. I guess there's, the people who truly love alcohol, weirdly don't care as much about the taste. - Sure. (laughing) I feel like that's a thinly-belled attack on meat. (laughing) Go on, watch just like the feeling. - Yeah, actually feel bubbly. - Yeah, there's a couple of, there's a comedian who knows an alcoholic, and he drink, he, I saw him order half vodka, half pineapple juice, and a pint. - What? Why is he, but that's, there's no need for that. - What would you mean? - He, but his other options are available. - He's trying to get so much alcohol into him. He just wants to have half a pint of vodka. How do I, how do I stop this taste like vodka to a pint? - Oh, in a pint. - Yeah. - Oh God. I guess pineapple is one of the strongest flavors to overpower it. - Those people who really love alcohol, people who are like. - They don't order that, you're not allowed to order that, are you? - No, they think so. - Half, yeah, well I don't understand that if that was a drink at like, at the end of an afters, or like you've watched it. - At the end of an afters. - Yeah, when there's no alcohol left. - Yeah, I guess so. - And like, you get in the dregs and you have like vodka and Ribena. - Yeah. - Beer and punch. - So, when we got Charlie on our producer, it seemed like we'd have a pretty normal producer, but even spending the last two days of them, it seems like we would-- - Today, today's been eye opening. I'm slowly coming round to the opinion that Charlie's clinically insane. He's been shouting at me for the last 15 minutes about different pub and spa suggestions around London. He seems to know an awful lot about these places. - And he has a lot to say about them. - He's got a lot to say about them. - Yeah. - But also, he was about to tell us this story before we came on air and we thought what better way to introduce you to Charlie than if he tells this story live to you guys. - Brilliant. Well done. - Well, that was funny, wasn't it? Don't, I'm not, just 'cause you were in the hat, and you've had a fucking beer. Don't block genuinely strong presenting. Please, Charlie, take it away. Ignore him. He's gonna get red-faced and puffy 'cause he's had a couple of beers. Sorry, Charlie. - This is the story is thus. I had my worst ever moment in therapy the other day I have therapy. Tuesdays at noon. - That's right. - I mean, that sounds sarcastic. I meant that positively. - We don't think he's mental because he's going to therapy. - We're just going to do a therapy. Are you sick or something? - This is a mental and physical health podcast we have to remember. - Please, yeah. - So I had my, I've got this new lady. I've only ever had men therapists and now I've got a woman. We're quite new to each other. She's, we're still getting to know each other and she's still getting to know me. So it's not fully safe yet. This is like a month in and like, I normally go in person and I thought I had a normal session and I left. I then had a Zoom session the following week with her. - Yeah. - And she opened the, she opened the call and then it was silent for a bit and she said, do you notice I became quite disconnected in our last session? I was like, no. And then she told me that I had really loose pants on and basically she could see my bollocks throughout the session. - What did you say to this? - The first thing I said was, did I become a wreck? - Now that is an option. (laughing) That's where we decided we'd leave that story and bring it on to the podcast. So she went, your shorts were quite loose. - Well, she was trying to, yeah, she was trying to make you finish it off and you finish it off by making it weird. She was like, your pants were quite loose. - In your mind, in your mind, in your mind. - In your mind, in that moment, it's fine to show your therapist your dick as long as it's not hard. - I thought maybe she was telling me because like, I'd like, she thought I was trying to. - Is that something that you were? - You were, you thought she was coming on to you? - No, I thought that she thought that I was coming on to her and then I was doing some weird flashing thing. And then, I just- - We have to wait to come on to someone. You're not coming on to them with your words, but you're just peeing, this is getting- - Talking about your anxiety. - Talking about your anxiety. You're just slowly opening your shorts to your naked bollocks. - Yeah, but that's what I mean. I was just, I felt about six years old 'cause I'm just, they're like, "Oh, I'm feeling so anxious." - So how was this resolved? - I mean, that's already embarrassing, but I like how you just made it worse off the bat, just straight away. - I think it's on her. And I'll tell you why. - Yeah. - If I was a therapist and my patients, balls became noticeable. I think I'd go, "I'm gonna stop you there for a second. "I can see your balls." - Would you say that? - Maybe not in that way, but I'd be like, - Can you not know what he's talking about? - Let me stop you there. - Yeah, so my dad, it was just- - Let me stop you there. - I could see you chuffed her. Can we get that sorted, please? Chuffed her, ignore it. I came up with it on the spot. I feel like it's on the therapist to say, "Stop talking for a moment. "I could see your testicles." I think it's weird that she kept it going for the whole session and then brings it up on the next session. - But then also, having spent more time with you now, it is quite hard once you start talking. Does it stop? - That's true. I can't imagine what he's like in therapy. - I can imagine he was talking about a new puppy I've been to, and she's been trying to tell him. - She's trying to get her to talk about it. I was like, "Excuse me, right?" Sorry, Charlie, can I just- - And then the kind of point is, honestly, in centuries, I'm illegal. (laughing) - So how was it resolved or- - Well, I think the point she was making, which I actually respect is that I'm so busy thinking that I don't even notice I've got, I can't, I'm not feeling in my body. I can't even tell that I have my balls out. - Right. - I think- - That's a therapist right there. - That's her trying to make silver linings out of her just a situation. She doesn't want to see your balls while she's at work, and now she's trying to say, "How can I spin this into being productive?" - Every ball has a productive therapist. - I don't know if it is an emotional issue. You have any- I think you just have your balls out. I don't think it at all reflects. - Do you think it reflects on your mental wellbeing that you can't tell when you have your balls out? - It just made me feel about like, it made me feel very small and like a little boy. - Well, I can see how that's embarrassing. - And now I'm only wearing trousers. I've had two sessions since that. - How loose were your pants? - I don't think- - I know what I was wearing. - That's what I'm asking. - I didn't ask, do you know what you were wearing? Were you aware of what you were wearing? - I was wearing. I've got this pair of gray pants I've had them for years. And like they are very loose, but I'm quite fond of them. And I was wearing shorts a lot, which are quite loose as well alongside that. So I would have just been there like. - Yeah. - Yeah, like feet up right. - I do a lot of writhing, I do a lot of kind of like- - writhing in agony. - I've writhing around. (laughing) - Showing your bollocks. - Now, do you just gonna do irreparable harm to your issue? - Can you come back to the therapist? - No, I think I can come back. - Maybe she's seen as much as she needs to be. - She seemed worse than me. - Yeah. Well, you're opening yourself up emotionally. Why not pop a testy out? - Yeah. - Yeah, I think it kind of like, that's why I felt so small, because I'm just there trying to talk about like, I'm so like self, too self aware, blah, blah, blah, blah, but then I've literally got my nuts out. - You can't close out, yeah. - That's my on. - Was I erect? - No. - Did I become erect as well? There's something about the verb which- - Did I become erect? - Did I become erect? - Was it? - Yeah, God. So it was like your last session, you haven't been back. - I have been back twice. - And it's all been fine. - It's been fine. I apologize actually, in person. I was like, I just want to say sorry for last week. - Yeah, exposing. - Is she really embarrassed about it? - She was just felt bad for me. It was just quite humiliating. Why did she feel the need to bring it up just in case you did it again? - Because like in a public environment, that's flashing, that's like sexual assault. That's literally what she said. She was like, by the way, I know this wasn't what you were doing. But if you're not careful, and you just have your balls out. - Yeah, in a less kind- - What? - Like the heart or in the church or something. - 'Cause my approach was something embarrassing like that. I would try and avoid bringing up wherever possible. If you did it again, I'd bring it up. But if I assume it's never gonna happen. - It's a fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, situation. - Exactly. I couldn't put it better myself. If yeah, that's what I'm here for. Please continue. - If that happens to me, I'll be like, I'm not gonna bring that up. 'Cause he doesn't need to know ignorance and bliss. - Yeah. - If it doesn't happen again. - I think it's more of a damning indictment of you, because she thinks that you're a person who's gonna outwardly show their balls in public on a regular basis. - Yeah, I don't know what the lesson there was, 'cause I feel you already knew that. - I've learned my lesson. - I guess it's been more terrible. - Has this happened before? - That's a yes. - No, it hasn't happened before, but there's a video. - It's happening right now. - There's a video. - You guys can't see what's going on. - It doesn't have any pants on there. - It's just starkers. - There's a video where basically, this beat got into our room, my room. And I had these pants and they had a big hole in them, and you could just see my balls. - I love if you talk about Paul McCartney, I'm not an actual woman. - George Harrison was in my room one day, and just had my balls out. There's actually a video with my balls out. - Yeah. - Of the sketches we did. - Yeah. - Raw. - No, 'cause we somehow missed it in the edit, and we only found out in the comments. Back in the day, I mean, we're still sort of doing it. We would do anything for money, and we made a lot of very weird sketches for up and coming brands that never took off, and sketches that will never see the light of day. So this was for an Estonian company called Watify, and literally, you're just pretending that you really see the vision stuff, 'cause we're just kind of desperate for money. And one of the sketches is a pretty good sketch, actually. - Yeah. - The idea of the app is that you get to choose the ending, and a scientist comes out of a portal while I'm on the sofa eating Chris, and says, "Do you wanna go to the future or the past?" - I'm the scientist. - He's the scientist. - I don't, it was there a big reveal that you were waiting for? (laughs) - If you pit the future, I immediately get teleported to the future, and there's an alien stabbing me. - It's like the past. - At the past. - There's a medieval soldier stabbing me. But when it came through the portal, he's wearing, I guess, 'cause we're being lazy at the time, it was just, what was the last thing? - Well, I have these shorts. - Yeah. - Oh, no, I wasn't even wearing shorts, because I was just wearing a lab coat, and thought, fuck it, I don't need to wear trousers at this, because-- - It takes a lot, you have to pay more for us to wear trousers at the pictures. - Yeah, there's a premium, it's a hidden extra. So then I thought it was fine that we could just do it in pants, but I do quite a deep squat in order to get into this character, and there's balls incredibly visible. - So they just hung down. - Well, what is the app still going? - Yeah, we can have a look at it. - Look up, what iffy? - What iffy? - Yeah, what iffy. Oh, we can show you that. - And then the comment said, "Bros balls literally out." - Well, really? - Oh my God, literally balls out. - I feel like it's not the first time it's happened. - Well, I was thinking about with shorts, I think at school, our balls would always be popping out, because the shorts were kind of very loose at the... I'm just not wearing those sorts of shorts around lots of people, like I used to. - What kind of shorts? - The sports shorts at school. - Sports shorts at school, easy for some to say. - We mean that often, I'd see my friends balls and they'd suddenly see mine. I've seen your balls through shorts over a time at school three times. - You held up four? - No, I didn't. - Okay. - And then you've seen my balls, I think, around the same amount of times. It happened. It's an occupational hazard. - I would agree, but I've always been, I've never been one for a loose fitting boxer. - Well, I've seen your balls pop out. 'Cause you're changing in the same room as each other. - Yeah, but that's not every state of undress. - Agreed. - Yeah. - But it's not from sitting and then accidentally popping them out. Do you know what I mean? - No, it was out of your shorts. - Really? - Yeah. - Interesting. I've always thought I went straight to the tight boxer rather than the loose one. - You probably do, but there's occasional slips, you know? - Is there? - Not in a tight boxer. - Even the greatest can, you know? - It's true. - And this is every day, some days you might not want a tight boxer. - It's true. I won't be feeling particularly fruity in the day. So, it happens to the best of us. So, I've just moved into a new part of my land, not very far from where we were before. And this area, I guess, I guess there's more kind of like 27-year-old pretentious people like us who live in this area. - What, here? - Yeah. - This is like-- - Is it? - Yeah, this high stroke. Much more than before. - Oh, the high street, yeah. - Before it was mainly Bangladeshis, right? - Yeah. - And I remember thinking at the time, it'd probably be nice to like, connect with the community you live with, or like have people more like you just to like, 'cause you'd walk into shops where you were before. - Yeah. - And then it'd all be, it'd be like eight Bangladeshi guys having the time of their life. - Yeah, they were all walking in fun. - You walk in and they go quiet. - And they go quiet. - Yeah. - It's a nightmare. I went to go try and buy a light bulb. - Yeah. - And they're loving it. (laughs) - Yeah, so I could cigarettes out the window and then it's like, "Oh, white boy's here." - Yeah, and then they scatter, and they're like, "Oh, I guess we'll turn on to work." - Yeah, so you always just felt like you're bumming everyone out. - That's true. - So in this area, there's just a lot more, you know, people like me, and I thought that'd be a good thing. But down below us, I now have our neighbors who sit out and talk. So I'm hearing basically the 10 conversations we'd all have with our friends. - How are they younger? Is it a? - Similar age, right? - Right. - And also they're all going to the end of the fringe. So it's like, I didn't realize that I actually preferred my Bangladeshi neighbors. - Right. - I preferred it when I got to understand what they're saying. We don't speak to each other. Now I'm just hearing how ridiculous all of our conversations are. I heard them outside speaking for half an hour, what they prefer, white wine or rosé. There's a half an hour conversation. I'm just hearing just on loop. - Oh dear. - It's like the worst podcast you've ever heard. - Yeah. - You know? And so like, I definitely feel, yeah, I miss my old neighbors. - Are they loud in the evening? Is that what, are they party kids? - It also reminds me of, this is what my conversations sound like, to other people. - I give yourself a bit more credit. - I don't know. - White wine and rosé? I guess actually that's a bit you, isn't it? You're a fancy pants. - Yeah, yeah. - White wine or rosé? - Yeah. - Rosé, probably. - Yeah. - No, no, no. White wine, there's more of a, there's more of an art to white wine, about what actually tastes better. There's a huge, it's a more sophisticated thing to drink. Rosé's rosé. - What do you prefer? - You're a fancy pants. Why can't you just enjoy something for how you enjoy it? - If I can only drink one for the rest of my life, it'd be white wine. - White wine gives me acid reflux. It's very acidic. - Have you got any neighbors? - I have got neighbors. - Yeah. - They are Indian. - Okay, that's good. - Yeah, no, there's a group of, I think it's very easy when you've turned this age to slip into old man annoyed, annoyed old man, you know. - It was shouting at the, "Shut up, you f*ckers!" - What, 27? - 27, yeah, because I've now living in a nice place. - Yeah. - Where it's like, you know. - It's all that pod, I think. - The sides are just clean all the time. - Yeah. - You know what I mean, it's all that pod money. - I can't afford where I'm living. It's a disaster. - Please subscribe. - It's been really tough. No, it's just like, you know, there's all, we've got a dishwasher. - Yeah, that's nice. - There's like a, you know, we've got, we've got too many cloths. - Are you saying, because you've got a dishwasher, now you're going to be more aggressive to people with-- - Well, I'll tell you why, you know. I've made my house a home. - Sure. - And then you've got these kids who go down every day playing football. You know, they're kicking the ball against the wall and I'm like, this isn't the home I subscribe for. - It's true. - I'm paying this money in dishwashing and clothing. - I'm in a lot of debt. - I'm in a lot of the drug. - I can't afford to live here. Can you stop kicking the ball against? And especially because I'm on the first four balconies. So it's a real easy to lean out and go, shut up, you've happened. - Have you toned shut up? - In honestly never, Adam is far more annoyed by it. As is Elle. - How else are they playing football though? - Every day. They get home from school and have a kick about. - Sure. - And, you know, I'm actually far more into the wholesome family scene. I'm like, do you think? - Yeah. - You know, I'm the fun old man. - Hey, we were all young once. - Is it lots of shouts of man on? - No, there's like two of them. - Okay. - It's basically a... - Fwack. - Pang. - Yeah. - It's the noise of the ball being things. - Well, one of the balls did hit our pole and I was like, well, that's a warning. - That is, yeah. - It's a form we once shame on you. - Yeah. - Form we twice shame on me situation again. It is endlessly applicable. - But, no, well, they're out there with their dad as well. And I'm like, remember that. - Dad's. - Remember playing football with your father? - No, my dad would never play with me. - No. - Did your dad play with you? (laughing) No, did you have an active play dad? - Yeah. - Yeah, I didn't have to play dad. We used to, I broke his rib once. (laughing) - What, 'cause he played with you too much? - Play too hard. - Well, you tend to stop playing with me. - It's so hard. My father's gonna find me. - Oh, you can. - No, I used to, when I was getting into rugby, he used to stand on the end of the sofa and he'd let me rugby tackle him. I'd like run from the other end of the house to there and rugby tackle him. - That's good stuff. That's what you want. - Yeah, that's a father, isn't it? - Yeah, my dad, I remember one memory. We were in holiday in France and the water there's probably like 25 degrees. - Sure. - So it's quite warm. - Yeah, yeah. - And we were playing in the sim. We begged Dad to come out and play. 'Cause he never plays. - In the sea. - Yeah, right. - In the scene from France. - I thought you said sim. - It's going poorly. Everything's going a bit wrong. - The sim. - He's playing sim cards nowadays. Shut up kids. Go on, what was it? You're playing in the sea. Who, you and your sister? - Yeah, and then Dad, he hates Eddie cold water. He's like the cold. - Right. - And he put Dittis toe in and he said this is two. This is too cold for me. And eventually we would just screw you so much. He then got a short, wet suit. - What did he bring out? What did he have to do? - He had a red red red. - Cold. - And then he came and played with us 15 minutes. - Interesting. - And then it was too cold. And then he got out. - Yeah, well now you say that. When we went to Jamaica with Pete. - Yeah. - Didn't get in the sea. - No. - I remember we were on the beach. He kept playing us with Pina coladas. I think that was to make us forget that he didn't get in the sea. - I think if the sea isn't a warm bath temperature, we won't get in. - Yeah, that's why. - He just hates Eddie. - Well, he hates a level of uncut or just comfort. He's a man of luxury pleasure. And to be honest, the guy knows what he wants. - Yeah. I imagine he lives quite a similar life to like Ricky Gervais. - Yeah. - Do you know that approach? - Yeah, like I'll do enough exercise so I can drink enough beer. - Yeah. Or like just anything that's a tall or any sort of discomfort. I finished doing that 30 years ago. Should we do some questions? - Let's do secure a days. Let's let's. - I've got a voice note locked in there. - Let's not the schlop off. - This is from. - Ratman. - Ratman. - Whose handle is? Ratshit. Scrapman. - Why? - So Ratman's his actual name. - Why does everyone who answers a Q and A called Ratman for us? - We had three Q and As yesterday. - Yeah, but they're all from like, you know, Blonky tips four. - And long time, listen, our first time call up. I've got a question to do with my work. I'm currently essentially being paid to sit in a room all day and do nothing. And I know that doesn't sound real, but it is I'm getting paid fairly well for it. But I need to know how to waste my time. I cannot get through the day. I need to get through it. And also bonus question, what is your favorite moment from Brainiac that isn't John Tikka with walking on Custards? Thank you, boys. - Thank you, Ratman. Great question. - Great question. - Good voice notes in, actually. - That is a good question. We'll address the Brainiac on first, because it's... - Off the bat, let's go Brainiac. - Off the bat, let's go straight to Brainiac. - Oh, unfortunately. - Great knowledge of the canon, bringing up John Tikka, walking on Custards. - Yeah. - You know, bonus points for that. - Every real podcast fan knows that I did a Kendrick Lamar where he makes to John Tikka walking on Custards. Let me try and remember it. Tikka, why are you only taking in the two or three steps? It's time to take it up a notch. First you get a swimming pool full of custard, then you walk on it. Pool full of custard, then you walk on it. That's as far as I've got. - Hold up. No, John. - John, how up? - Custard. - John. - Tikka? - No, there's more. There's more in it. I did a whole thing. - Favorite Brainiac moment. - Unfortunately, I can't remember any other than John Tikka. - Yeah, I remember John Tikka moments. I think one that came to mind was someone, a guy dressed as a samurai, snorting wasabi, and a guy dressed as a classic Englishman, snorting mustard, and then one other racially into it. - It's kind of the, it's very odd racial profile. - Yeah, it's just sort of like, they both seem like they're kind of the same thing. - For science. - Yeah, sort of. - Well, the things that make you go, hmm, would be, because having revisited things that make you go, hmm, none of them actually make you go, hmm. - Yeah, sadly, to disappoint you, but I can't remember anything. - One of the things that make you go, hmm, I've originally found was, here's one for you. You do things that make you go, hmm. - Things that make you go, hmm. - Here's one for you. Why are pub car parks always filled with cars? That was it. Why are pub car parks always filled with cars? They're not allowed to drink and drive, right? - Ever heard of a designated driver? Ever heard of people going to the pub? Just to not drink? It doesn't make you go, hmm, at all. It's crazy. - So let's deal with his actual question. So, as a lot of people do, as you've been in this situation as well, being in jobs where you can sort of get lost in the bowels of a company and not do lots of work, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's quite a common occurrence, I feel, in the modern one. I feel back in the 1400s, there was less slacking for a paycheck. - When you're down the mine, it's not-- - The 1400s, come on. - When you're weaving cloth. (laughing) - When you're weaving or you're working at the tavern. - Well, you know-- - Okay, it's more tall in the fields, right? - Yeah. - It's more important that you actually get some productivity out of it. - Yes, but it's more like, if you don't, if you don't, if you don't, you'll die. - Yeah. - Right. - You're handing out. - You're only worth what you create. - Sure, exactly. - There's no, like, dossing on the job and they're collecting your paycheck. - No, if I don't make corn, I wouldn't be able to eat corn nor my family. All we have to eat is corn. - Yeah, very fair. I feel like you might have gone back a bit too far in history to help Ratboy with his question here. It's probably, it's the introduction of remote work, isn't it, particularly? - Ratman. - I'm so sorry. - That is so patronised. - It's so patronised. - It's almost because of Ratman. - Well, one clearly. - Once he knows how to spend his free time, he'll become a Ratman. At the moment, you're sounding a bit like a Ratboy. (laughing) Frankly, so I think it's, you know, remote working is probably a big thing with us, but people can hide in the office as well. I'm annoyed he didn't say what his job was. Do you know what I mean? I wanna know what it is. - You can imagine what it is. - It's probably not, like, not to mine. - Yeah, it was nondescript. I mean, I did part-time work for six months and I did nothing as well. - Was it at the office? - Yeah. - And you constantly bring it up. - Yeah, so, I mean, I've been in the situation and I have one task to do and it normally is something technical, but they wouldn't know how long it would take. So I'd make it take way longer than it should. - But that's, yeah. - And then I'd watch TV. - Right, in the office. - I'd have my own office. Well, not my own office. I'd be unsupervised in a room. - Yeah. - So I'd just be watching television. - Your own office. (laughing) - I'd have a corner office. - I'd have a corner office. That was the big bar. What was your one tasker to complete? Change the printer paper. - It was, it'd be like, make a pitch deck for new, like, ideas for new names. It was like, basically, I was brought in, is like a, you're vaguely crazy. - A czar. - So it's just like, something that you could maybe help with is just some ideas. - Yeah. - And so, yeah. - Okay, well, I think, yeah, maybe you can hide in the office, but it's obviously easy to hide at home. It's also astonishing that in the world of work, it's like no one, everyone can finish what they need to be done, what needs to be done in a very quick amount of time. - Yeah. - Like, most people I know can and do often finish work at like, one PM, two PM if they're working for Mo. - Do you feel like in the '80s if you didn't, if you finished all the work you need to be done, they'd give you more work? - Why don't you keep bringing it back to historical scientific, it's on trying to help rat boy, man. Yeah, would they have more-- - Well, if you finished all your work, then the boss would give you more work. And has that maybe shifted? - Well, I think there's an art to looking busy whilst, taking as long as you can with a task, in order that you don't get any more tasks. But-- - I think, use the opportunity, because I guess the trap that you can fall into, which a lot of people do, is that I'm actually gonna pay pretty well, I actually don't do much, but then you could spend years doing that and being in a pretty good situation, but then it doesn't mean you're necessarily winning in the same way you think, because you're becoming bored. - Yeah. - And it's like, you're not actually tricking the system as much as you think, so use the opportunity to sort of trick the system as much as possible. Get into painting. - Get into painting. - Well, I don't know, use the time-- - To do something that connects with your species being, you know, something that you're unalienating. - It's a very serious answer. What we're doing is serious answers. No, agreed, agreed, that's the way to do it. Get a hobby, you freak. Go on a run. - You don't know rat man. - I don't, rat man. That's a go on any hobbies other than rats. Go on a run, yeah, get a hobby. I mean, have you got a passion? If you've got a passion, now's a great time to pursue it. You've got a lot of, you know, it's a blessing to have that much free time during your working hours that you don't have to spend on traditional work. You can do it on something else. Work towards another goal if you've got any hobbies or ideas. But yeah, don't take it too seriously. I would, as someone who's worked from home in isolation for like four years, don't do it for too long because sometimes you can end up not leaving the house for three days and only realize that when you leave the house and then when you're surprised by sunlight, you should probably consider a change. That's what I'd say. As in often, often, as in today is an example of that. The first conversation I have is live on this podcast. It's sometimes I shot myself with my voice because I was like, oh, that's how I'm, that's how I sound so long, yeah. Yeah, like when sometimes I'll answer the door and I'll be like, oh, because I haven't spoken in two days. It's not a good way to live. I think that's the kind of this hidden, the hidden cost of remote working is, it seems like a good idea. Oh, it's a DOS. Oh, you could do whatever you want. But it's eroding your soul slowly. Exactly. And if even people like Ratman are feeling the issues, what about, you know, people like... Well, if it was like a fable, maybe it's more of a Faustian bargain. Sure. The devil gives you a chance. Do you want to get paid a shit ton and do nothing? That sounds bloody brilliant. Well, I've got the job for you. If you've got no interest, like sitting in the dark room all day for money. Yeah, and then you realise at the end, you know, maybe I wanted to work. Yeah. I've got another question here from Ed Armstrong. This is seven seconds long in this voice note, so... You've not looked at any of these before, have you? No. We're doing these live on air. To be honest, they've all been good so far. They have all been good. So, Ed, a lot of pressure. Seven seconds. That's... That's... Much time to get a good question. Well, the question, I want to know what's the worst smell you've ever smelled. Thank you. Good question. I think it's very boy's gone wild. Yeah. What's the worst smell you've ever smelled? What's the worst smell I've ever smelled? I think, well, so you've got... Obviously, you've got, like, the manure sort of festival toilet. Yeah, that's probably the one that comes to mind. But then you've also, I think, the ones that maybe upset me the most are, like, sort of cheesier... The smell of the tea that was brewing when your dad left. No, not that, actually. It was very fragrant, jasmine tea. Yeah. So, you've got this kind of perverse relationship with it. Yeah. Oh, it'd probably be... I think anything that's cheesy or, like, gone-off milk, those sort of smells, I don't know. Cheesy. Yeah. Like a badge, a bad cheese. Do you like the smell of your own feet? Do you like the smell of your own armpit? Do you like the smell of your own farts? Because I do. I think everyone... I feel like everyone does. I think everyone does. No, let's just be honest. I think there's a human's... The honesty box does. It's a biological thing that you need. Why? Because... Because you have to... You've got to put up with it. Well, it's more... You've constantly got to be smelling yourself and checking on things, because it's part of... It's part of a check on other things, yeah. Because it's part of self-sufficiency. So... So, you can't be fucking grimmed out by your own stuff. So, the smell of healthy sweat, you're like, "My body's working." Yeah. Right. Or, then, it's like it needs to be changed, but this shouldn't be putting me off. Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird popping the hood on your own car. You can't be like, "Oh, bloody hell!" Oh, no, it's disastrous. Yeah, it's checking your oil, isn't it? A good whiff. Sorry, I don't have a good answer to that. Do you know the worst amount you ever smelled, Charlie? Erm... I think, for me... There's testicles after a therapy session. Well, everyone can smell those. For me, I'd say, erm, when you have, like, a plaster. Ooh. Oh, yeah. That meant the smell... The sense of the smell of flesh underneath the plaster. Well, the only smell I've hated of myself was when I got my arm cast off after breaking my arm after, like, six months. So, that was... Yeah. That was pretty bad. How did you break your arm? I brought my arm because my friend pushed me off a trampoline. We used to play this game where there was... We had a trampoline. He had a trampoline. There's netting going around this trampoline. You didn't both share the trampoline. No, we did. It was like a... Like a timeshare situation. I was 12 years old, but we went halves of the trampoline together, much to our parents' sugar in. But he kept it at his house for the weekends, and I had it on the weekdays. Yeah. We lived 50 miles apart. It was a disaster. The neither of us could drive. So, we had to rent it. You had to rent it a lot. As the mode of transport. Yeah. Which is actually one of the worst modes of transport. Yeah, he won... You've got to bounce slightly there. Along the M5 is the disaster. So, he was... I went to his house and we played this game where we... It had netting around it. And we put all of the sofa cushions on the trampoline. And as lovely, foolish lads, we would bump into each other with the cushions and go, "Ha-ha! You've fallen into the net, you've fallen." And then one fateful evening, I was standing by where the door was. It was where the zip was. And we hadn't zipped it up. So, he ran into me, charged and I went flying, did like a flip, landed half of what I was... I was blacked out for a bit, apparently. And then... You got blacked up for it. Blacked up? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, did I not mention? So, during the game, we would think, "How can we get into this more of a character-based thing here?" Let's do... Yeah, let's see one from the Patreon. Okay. What in both of your opinions is the best Alec Baldwin film, not including "Rust". I've got an immediate answer. I've got one as well. It's called "It's Complicated". He's brilliant in that. He's brilliant. The whole film's fantastic. It's great. It's great film. Him and Meryl Streep, John Krasinski's in it, is a 10 out of 10 film, hilarious. In the genre of divorce film, which is... It's up there. You've got "Squid in the Whale", "Crow vs. Kramer". It's complicated. It's quite a rare genre. Marriage story. Yeah. But no, it's light. It's rom-com-y. It's fun. It's excellent. Steve Martin's in it. It's really good. We believe the divorce film genre is always middle-class. It feels... Yeah. Because only middle-class people get divorced. Yeah, I guess so. That's mine. I'd actually thoroughly recommend my girlfriend show it to me. And I was in "Ammon Barre". Yeah, it's great. It's really good. I think my favourite is Glenn-Garry Glenn Ross. Have you seen Glenn-Garry Glenn Ross? Do you know what it is? Say it again? Glenn-Garry. Yeah. Every time. It's actually really tough to say. Yeah. You say. I'm not... Glenn-Garry Glenn Ross. Glenn-Garry. I said Glenn-Garry. Keep saying it. Glenn-Garry Glenn-Garry. Glenn-Garry Glenn-Garry Glenn-Garry. Do red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Glenn-Garry. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. You were doing it so slow. Do it quicker. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Red-lory yellow lory. Try and do it too quick. So Glenn-Garry Glenn Ross is a David Mamet play. One of his best plays. He has an incredible cast and it's been made into a great film. Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Alec Baldwin, Kevin Spacey, Mae Reston-Pice. Mae Reston-Pice. My favorite of his actual actor. Yeah. And Glenn. Glenn. Glenn. Right. So hold on. Let's keep that search where it is, Charlie. What did you say the name of it was? Glenn-Garry Glenn Ross. Charlie said dead. Glenn-Garry. Charlie said dead Mary and Ross. It's not even close. I mean, dead Mary and Ross. Dead Mary and Ross. Well, dead Mary and Ross. Never heard of it. I got the name wrong. Glenn-Garry. Oh, Glenn-Garry. This is the fucking disaster. Glenn-Garry Glenn. Brilliant film if you like just pure masculine acting. It's all men. Oh man. So that might wash it tonight. Yeah, it's great. What's it about? Men being men, it's about a state agent trying to close a deal. But it's like sexiest state agent. Hot. And then because their branch hasn't got enough leads through, they basically have, till the end of the night, the top three people to get the most leads keep their job. The bottom two leads. Oh, I like it. And Alec Baldwin is the guy who comes from head office. Yeah. And he only has a monologue. That's all he has. Oh. Absolutely tells it. So he comes down and basically explains to all of these other guys why he has a nice watch, then why he drives a nicer car, and why they don't mean shit. Fine. I'm into that. And whoever closes the most also gets the Glenn-Garry leads, which are the best. The Glenn-Garry leads. The Glenn-Garry leads. Okay. You come into it into it. Although that's too good. So it's not right now. It's called in film, to honest. It's just a cameo. But it's probably his best performance I've seen in anything. Yeah. Okay. If you're in a Persian movie, what would you end up doing? You can't leave. I would start doing... Where would we leave? Well, in the purge film, I would start doing white collar crime on the purge day. Yeah. Kind of like... I'll be just doing a lot of fraud. I don't see... Yeah. I don't see the theft. How do you like, quite like... Littering. Yeah. Too honest. Too honest. Too in the purge. I don't really have any interest in murdering innocent people. That's actually not... No. That's really... I've never been inclined to. It doesn't feel like I need to get that out of my system. And if the law wasn't there, I would just be murdered. But misrepresented as the shareholders. But I could definitely see myself just fucking tossing. Yeah. Travis Brackett. Like, you just... It sounds like that character really just doesn't know what the purge is all about. And it's like, what? We could toss our Chris rappers everywhere. You go out into the street, tossing chock em up. It's getting murdered. It's brilliant. It's not even a samurai sword. Murdered immediately. On a motorist, I could just charge your army. Yeah. I think... Yeah. I guess too much of the purge is focused around the maniacs, and it's not focused around the people who... You know, normal people who... The crimes you'd want to commit, you're not allowed to. Yeah. What are the kind of crimes you want to do? I guess smoke a massive bifter in the street. There it is. That's our answer. We smoke a massive bifter in the street next. How do you have a brat summer if you're living in the context of all in which you live and what came before you? I don't really understand brat summer. This is more... I know it's Charlie XCX. So, I would go into the brat summer stuff on the TikTok. 'Cause I guess my TikTok maybe skews a bit more gay than yours potentially. Like it's the... Maybe. Yeah. I've got a lot of golf content. Yeah, sport content really ruins a man's algorithm. Yeah. The baby's got such a better algorithm. They immediately think I'm an idiot. Yeah. Because you have to watch to the end of all these videos. If the sport you enjoy in a video comes on. Yeah. I can't finish it. I have to finish it. You have to finish it. And therefore, they just keep giving you more. I know there's one more. But then I hear the thickest man in the world. Yeah. Pop five Premier League defenders. And I'm like... You're an idiot. I have to say what you have to say. Top 10 closest Chippings in the Masters. Yes, please. Yeah. What's number one going to be? So, brat summer, as I've said on this podcast and on my Instagram stories, I'm kind of like the bisexuals are killing at the moment. The queer community and the girls are killing it with Prat summer. And with their pop stars, with Chapel Rhone, with Charlie XCX. And I guess not so pretty carpenter. She's not coming out this bye bye. I bet she is for trendiness. But it feels like culturally that they're very powerful at the moment. Right. And I'm respect to get from a far because it does look like fun. Yeah. They're killing it. But what is the best? But then I'm like enjoying it in the way that like, I guess like an old man seeing kids on their bicycle is going, isn't that nice? Mm. It's like, I'm not getting involved. I would be slightly fearful of the old man who enjoys kids on the bicycles. What are you saying? If I walk past an old man. What? Because I'm a paedophile. No. No. I just think it's odd. I think maybe enjoy like the ducks in the pond. But also you don't stand on the street corner. No. Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no, no. So, to clear up that is definitely what a paedophile has. What's it saying? I have my hands behind my back. I don't know what it means. Because I'm just like... So, is far away from your penis as possible? I guess so. Yeah. Because I guess that's like, that shows that you're enjoying it. If it's if he had his hands on his lap. Yeah, that's what a paedophile would do. I'm leaning back. I'm not hunched forward. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. Yeah. I don't... How do you have a brat summer if you're living in the context of all in which you live and we... I don't really understand the question. It's saying it's a pretty bleak world. How does one have a... Well, that's partly what the whole point of brat summer is in my head. Well, it's in brat summer cancelled. Who cancelled it? Charlie XCX because she endorsed Kamala Harris apparently. Oh, okay. Apparently... Well, I might be on brat summer. That's not very brat. In the way that, I don't know, EDM and Avich and stuff came out of the 2008 financial crash as a sort of like... Yeah. As a sort of like escapism. Yeah. The bleakness of the economy. Yeah. I think brat summer is an attempt to sort of redo that with the bleakness here. And it's what we need from culture is escapism because things are bleak. So, I'd say actually because things are bleak is exactly why you show a brat summer. Right. Though, if you're going to be woken annoying and problematic, Charlie XCX and that whole crew, they're very wealthy women. And a lot of the brat summer thing is kind of like... What is a... Because I get... Look, I understood Chet Hanks' white girl summer. Yeah. Well, brat summer is actually... A white boy summer. It's... I mean, I'm not the person to explain it, but if I was going to have a go, it would be... Which you've been doing for the last ten minutes and have done. Brat summer would be sort of like being unapologetically kind of spoiled and trashy. Okay. So, it's making trashy... It's making juicy tracksuits. Yeah, but it's making trashyness glamorous. Gotcha. Okay. Juicy tracksuits. Juicy tracksuits. Juicy tracksuits. Okay. And it's being iconic and it's slaying. Yeah. Okay. I can fuck with that. Yeah. There you go. So, how'd you do it in this world? Right in it. Postman Jeff. For AK? Me? Giving your time again. Giving your time again. Would you still get clotted betwixt the eyes and the name of confronting litter bugs in the park? Well, as you said before, you've had zero toners policy on littering. I have zero toners policy on littering. That hasn't changed if anything has become stronger. Next question. Rory Smith, how will your relationship with Java and subsequently the dynamic of the podcast changed now? You no longer live together and have a producer. Charlie, you're in the question. You know what? I don't think you'll change that much because we live 15 minutes apart. Yeah. I think there's actually... But maybe I'll drive a wedge between you two. Yeah. Charlie's a bigger problem than actually not living together. Charlie's already becoming a problem. We're still doing the podcast once a week. We're still in the sketches. Yeah. So, I'm going to have that much difference. Yeah. I think it's nice. I think it gives us a respite as well. Yeah. It also means that problems you can have with each other will be fundamentally all to do with work. Yeah. Rather than leaving a fork out. Yeah. That fundamentally is ideal. It's good. We were mixing business and pleasure. What was pleasure? Living in a house? Leaving forks out. Well, essentially, we were friends, housemates, and colleagues, which I think you should only have two of those. Yeah, exactly. Three is a lot. Yeah. It's a too many cook situation. And it's a form we once shame on you, form we twice shame on you. We do a lot of mantras. There's a deep philosophy to this show. I think our biggest mantra is too many cooks. That's the one that comes up the most because I firmly believe too many cooks for the bra. I want that on my gravestone. How'd you go? Born 1997, died 2025. Loving husband. Loving father. You did a lot. I did a lot in this year. Yeah. And they're just under too many cooks for the bra. Right. Lewis mate piece, who is the little person? Little person. That's the whatever the correct term is, who looks identical to me. Charlie has to see him. Charlie has to see him. Charlie has to see him. It's very funny, but true, and it's been pointed out more and more. Now that I'm on the film as the internet podcast, and it's kind of a wider audience and a crueler audience, everyone is bringing up that I had the face of a little person on a tall man's body. Is it true? Of course, he does loads of stuff. Do you see that? It is crazy how much I like it. It looks exactly like me. It looks exactly like me. He looks exactly like me. He looks exactly like me. I reckon. He was younger then. I reckon I would be able to open his face ID on his phone. That is. Oh, that's something we need to try. Lewis. My eyes. Cheek bones. Nose. The place we need. Would you get Lewis on the pod? Yeah. You can go on the Patreon. Do that. There you go. That's a ratio build. Yeah. It's scary how much do you look like. No, it's cheap bones. Anyways, hair. This guy. What's his question? A tad crude. Would you rather catch your co-host putting the brand new second edition dance in Drobabi up their arse or be able to fly? I'd be able to fly. Yeah, I'd be able to fly. On to Maxwell Bertin. This is a whistle stop talk. Which theatre of World War II would you do the best slash prefer to serve in? China, Taiwan, Russia, Ukraine, Middle East, et cetera. It's World War III. Is it? Yeah. World War III. Okay, that's better. Yeah. But in World War II theatre question we could do a whole pod on that. Yeah. That's a great, that's right. That's right. That's true. Or assemble a celebrity cabinet to say Britain. Well, okay. I feel that these are two big questions. You can't be or what we can choose. Let's do the first one. Okay. Well, so Russia, Ukraine, that sort of, there's like a purity to that. There's a classicness. That's white on white violence. It's vintage red. Yeah. It's white on white violence. It's a big muddy field. It's a trench. There are trenches being made. Yeah. And everyone looks like each other. It's like... It's ancestral. It's like quickly draw a battle. Yeah. You don't have time to do a distinguishing of features. Yeah. There's a no man's land. No man's land. Yeah. Yeah. It's much more down to basic. Right. Now what's China and Taiwan? Taiwan. I have watched videos on... It's quite hard to invade Taiwan, right, because it's a very rocky island. So even though China's very powerful, it still would be an incredibly hard island to capture. Yeah. And imagine incredibly complicated and bloodthirsty to actually do... Yeah. You've got to really want it. Yeah. So I don't know what it would look like, but a very rocky island that really doesn't want to be taken... Yeah. It would be very bloody. So I... I probably wouldn't want to do that. And it would be more... It would be exciting and tactically more interesting, but I guess we're talking... I don't think you want interesting tactics. We're not going to be in charge. We're going to tend to... Yeah, it depends what role we're doing. We're the first in. We're on the first wave. We're the ones that... What the fuck? It doesn't really matter whether we die or not. But then Rush Ukraine, there's a... It's... Yeah. It's not about it. At least we've done it before. It's not gone well for us. Well, when do we fight in the Middle East? Say that again? When do we fight in the Middle East? Afghanistan. Oh, sorry. We mean the centuries of fighting. Sorry, sorry. The Anglo-Afghan War. I thought you meant person. One, two. I thought you meant personly. So you were saying personally, from your personal experience of Rush Ukraine, previously, you were saying... You do the best in. Yeah. And then you said, "Well, we've done Middle East before." Oh, right. Yeah. So we want a bit of variance. Yeah. No, Middle East... I think it's Rush Ukraine. It's... You know, it's good old white on white violence. We would do best in Rush Ukraine, because it's the closest to D.A.V. Yes. Do you know what I mean? It's the most familiar terrain possible, I guess. Yeah. A big reason why... We could... The West keeps losing in country like Afghanistan is because they don't have local knowledge. We could navigate the contour line, set up a map and make some beans. We've grown up on similar territory. We might even be able to cultivate some vegetables, but in the Middle East, what do you grow in sand? What do we... What do we do? We're not versed in their culture enough. What is interesting about militaries in general is that everyone has like slightly different khaki camouflage. Yeah. Which makes me laugh, because everyone's hiding from different things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or trying to blend in with different things. And I feel the benefit of Rush Ukraine is that our khaki for here would be pretty similar to their khaki. So it's actually we have to do the least outfit changes. Exactly. The answer is Rush Ukraine. Yeah. Jake, what are your top three favourite things? Beans, maths and girls. Maths. I don't know, I just said the first five things against my head. What are your top three favourite things? I... I like going to the cinema with my friends. She's fucking loser. Um... I like... I like milkshakes. Yeah. I like those Lebanese biscuits. They're good. That's a good one. Lebanese biscuits. Let's get a joint one. Lebanese biscuits. What did you say? Beans. Leaving these biscuits for heaters, old El Paso for heaters. The old El Paso for heaters. Yeah. 100%. And I like Google Earth. Yeah. Google Earth. Right. Nick Kaywood. I've just moved to London from up north. I hope... Wondering. Not necessarily. Yeah. Wonder what would be the thing you like most about living here and what you hate the most. Good question. Like the girls hate the boys. Oh, no. Come on. This is a fair question that you can answer. What do you... So what I hate most about London probably is how early it is. How early it is. How expensive it is, sure, but that's kind of with every great... Where else have you lived where it doesn't shut this early? London, for a global city, for all of the shit you have to put up with, one of the benefits should be a very late city. If you'd go to Tokyo, if you'd go to Paris is late at New York, open way, way later, if you're going to have all the shit we have, you should be like, "Okay. It's really expensive. I live in a box flat, but at least I can go out." One, I'd love to be able to do my groceries late. That's something that Matt was telling me you could do in Tokyo. That's such a weird desire. No, but I guess partly because I'm gigging in stuff, but just having the freedom in like a big city to sort of, I don't know, just shop whenever, I think that's something that is weird how... Really? Because I'm so cool. So it's probably the biggest area of nightlife in London. Yeah. They have really strict residential laws which are, they're completely slaved to people in that area. Don't live there. Do you know what I mean? So that's why everything's shut. I agree. On Friday night, I get to shop it, shutting last all is about 11/30. I agree with the pubs. You're talking about Tesco. No, it doesn't... You don't want to go to the small thing. You don't want to go to the small thing. One of the small things. 24 hours. I agree, but I feel like the question is more centered around the UK, do you know what I mean? No, it's not. I just moved from London from up north. You know what I mean? Like... He's not asking what do you hate most in the UK? I have never experienced a place, neither of you, living anywhere where it stays open really late. That's just by how it is. I mean, it's probably in the UK, but if anywhere it's not going to be like that, it should be London, clear. Yeah. I feel there's no reason why London should shop. I would like it to be... There's the most drinking places in London. I would like it to be... I would like it to stay open a certain later, of course, but I've never lived anywhere in the UK where it does. So in terms of compared to the north and like around the UK, no, I agree. But for instance, I'd think it would be as soon as... So no no, Liverpool is open later. Is it? Yeah. So there's areas and there's better drinking towns. There are places there open until four is easy to find. Giuseppe's. No, and there's loads of... But most places I go, there's a place you could just look up and you can find a place in Liverpool. No, for... Globally, if people have been to a lot of cities around the world, one thing they'll always bring about London is how early it should be. No, I agree. And also for a city, this is a boring fact, it has the most places to drink of any city in the world. There's more bars and pubs than anywhere else and everything shuts so early, which feels like a waste. Yeah. You'd think London is a great place to drink, but if you can't drink easily past 12 without going to a club, that sucks. Yeah, no, I agree. I agree. You've got a Spain everywhere is open until four and it's just more... I just think it's a UK-centred question because then that's like, why didn't you move to Spain? He's moving from there. So that's why I hate most. It's too expensive. That's what I hate the most. It's ridiculously expensive. So I can't afford to live here. I don't think anyone can really afford to live here. Sure. Because the problem with London is there's so much to do, but you can't do any of it. So you're looking through a really bad... Yeah. You're looking through a bad... That would be nice. It's like looking through an Argos catalogue when you were younger, but your mum wasn't going to let you get anything. What I like most about London, and I guess I'm applying this to like, why would you live here more than anywhere else? Yeah. Why wouldn't you live here about everyone else? I think even compared to other global cities, I think the diversity of things to do is pretty unmatched. Yeah. And because of even the way the cities built, every area of London, you can have such different experiences across so many different fields. Yeah, there's definitely true. There's an array of things to do, and all just within a stone's throw. Yeah. It's not... I don't find... If you treat it right, you can avoid it being repetitive, and I feel... Yeah. There's a lot of them in cities. They've got a great culture, but you're all doing the same thing all the time. What, eating tapas in Spain? Sitting outside of Cafe in France. Well, that will do us. That will do, Donke. That will do, Donke. I'll do, Nicky. We'll see you in London when you come. Yeah. We're going to go on to... We'll do another episode. I think the next episode will probably do more questions. We've got a lot more questions. We've got a lot more questions. Thank you so much for listening, guys. Namaste. Peace with you. Any closing thoughts, Andrew? Without the majesty of ourselves, we cannot begin to understand the greater world around us. See you next week, boys. Bye. Bye. the next time. (upbeat music)