Spirit in Action

Wellness Shack of Eau Claire Benefit

The Wellness Shack is a consumer-run non-profit organization for adults with mental illness, working to educate the public about mental illness and to eliminate some of the misperceptions and stigma with mental illness through self-education, socialization, and accepting yourself. The October 12th, 2007 benefit featured music performed by Poppy Moelter & Troy Jackson, and poetry written by Savannah Rhae & Nora Bates.

Broadcast on:: 02 Dec 2007
Audio Format:: other

[music] Let us sing this song for the healing of the world That we may hear as one With every voice, with every song We will move this world along And our lives will feel the echo of our healing [music] Welcome to Spirit in Action. My name is Mark helps me. Each week, I'll be bringing you stories of people living lives Of fruitful service, of peace, community, compassion, Creative action, and progressive efforts. I'll be tracing the spiritual roots that support and nourish them in their service Hoping to inspire and encourage you to sink deep roots and produce sacred fruit in your own life. [music] This week for Spirit in Action, we're going to visit a combination benefit and publicity event Held for the wellness shack in Eau Claire. The wellness shack is a consumer run, non-profit organization for adults with mental illness. The consumer run part of that means that the wellness shack is largely volunteer staffed And runs on a positive sort of peer pressure where peers help each other toward wellness. The organization works to educate the public about mental illness And to eliminate some of the misperceptions and stigma with mental illness Through self-education, socialization, and accepting oneself. The benefit was held October 12, 2007 Because the second week in October was Mental Health Awareness Week, nationally. It was hosted by the Unitarian Universalist Congregation in Eau Claire And featured music performed by Poppy Multer and Troy Jackson. Poetry around the theme of mental illness and wellness by Savannah Ray and Nora Bates And they were thrown in tidbits about the work of the wellness shack and general information about mental illness. The benefit provided a personal look at the impact of mental illness And the healing and wellness that is possible With the combined strength of compassionate neighbors and divine blessings. The benefit also provided some wonderful music and poetic artistry with a deep meaning. I'm Mark Helpsmeet from Northern Spirit Radio And we're happy to take you to stay for spirit and action To the event provided by the wellness shack on October 12, 2007. Hello out there. Hello. How is everyone tonight? Good deal. Well, I think we'll get the fun going. I thought I would share a little bit of information about why we're here tonight. My name is Mickey Peterson. I am a volunteer down at the wellness shack. The purpose of this concert tonight is really to celebrate mental health and mental recovery. The wellness shack wanted to put on a celebration through song and poetry in the arts. And behind me I do have the wellness shack poster And I'd encourage you all to pick up a brochure outlining some of the details and missions of the wellness shack. And really bottom line what the wellness shack is. It's a peer recovery center for any of us who suffer from any form of mental illness. And what we enjoy doing is supporting each other through communication, through activity, through artwork, through gatherings, education. We have different topics. So seriously, I seriously encourage you to stop over. Pick up a brochure. If you're interested in stopping by, give a call ahead. Make sure we're there. We're generally there from one to eight beginning November. Find out more about us. And we're always looking for volunteers too. With that being said, just a couple of notes. One, I'd like to share just a piece of information as it pertains to mental illness awareness week. Mental illness awareness week was set up in 1990 by the Surgeon General realizing the fact that there needs to be awareness for mental illness. Because so many people are afraid to go and get help. So spread the word, it should not be stigmatized. We are healthy. We are recovering. And so tonight is fully a night of celebration. So please join us for music, for poetry readings. And also if you're getting a little hungry or like a little something to drink, we do have food and beverages downstairs. Oh, before I turn it over to our musicians this evening, I'm going to turn it over to Nora who's going to introduce our fun group. Thank you. [applause] Hi, this is great. I can't see you so I'm not as scared. [laughter] I just wanted to say that I met Poppy over at my church. She was doing something called soul dance, soul movement. And what that was was listening to music and just moving with your body any way it comes about. And I found that very scary at first. But then as I went on doing that, it became part of my recovery of being able to fit into my body and move. Kind of how I'm not doing it now. But anyway, it was a great experience and I'm just so excited that Poppy is here. And then she says Troy Jackson is going to join her and he's great. I've met him through my church too and he's the tree man. [laughter] You have trees that you saw, right? Yeah. And I just want to say thank you for all of you coming and let's welcome Poppy and Troy. [applause] I'm assuming that there's people out there, it's really hard to see you. I'm thinking we need somebody standing right here with their hand position about here. Sorry if it's shining off. Yeah, if you get too blinded, we have sunglasses. Anyway, it's a real pleasure to be here and be a part of this celebration. I'll perhaps say a little bit more at some point during one of the sets here tonight about some of my own journey through performance anxiety. Most of the song music that you'll hear tonight is original work that I've written over a number of years. And do have a CD, it's back there on the table if you're interested in purchasing one. We'll be doing 20 minute or so sets and then they have other information and some of the poetry reading and other such to share. Okay, this first song is called "Healing Days." [music] I recall you're telling what the doctor had to say, though your eyes were strong. I could sense the fear when you looked away, and there's a feel like that in all of us you see. Man, I used to run so hard from the dark shadows chasing me. This is so few places to let out a primal scream, to let the tears flow, while the heart breaks free again. Some lean to an mountain with a brook, where love sees beyond this crazy sound in love. [music] Will my body bend? Will my mind expand? Will my heart embrace it? Can I use my pain? Can I find my power? Can I recognize the gifted? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Have you been this way? Have you shed your skin? Have you been inside out? Did they do it? Will it be okay? Will they understand the changes? How are these healing days? I want them to understand these healing days. I do. [music] Poor Aunt Sadie, no one knew what they should do. Her lad was dancing, and strange things were leaking through. No one realized they stole her healing day. When they clamped a little and threw the key away. [music] Will my body bend? Will my heart expand? Will my heart embrace it? Can I use my pain? Can I find my power? Can I recognize the gifted? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Have you been this way? Have you shed your skin? Have you found some naked? Did they turn away? Will it be okay? Will they understand the changes? How are these healing days? I want them to understand these healing ways. I do. Uh-huh. They say true healing is, and death to somehow mode itself. That reveals to us, deeper truth to something else. Well, if it's true, I think I'll stick around. Try to build a bridge between heaven and ground. [music] Will my body bend? Will my heart expand? Will my heart embrace it? Can I use my pain? Can I find my power? Can I recognize the gifted? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Have you found this way? Have you shed your skin? Have you found upside down? Did they turn away? Will it be okay? Will they understand the changes? How are we going to love these healing days? I want them to understand these healing days. I do. [music] Have you been inside? Have you felt so naked? Really wanna understand? Are we gonna live? Are we gonna make it? I really wanna understand. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna live and be alive. You know I wanna revel in these healing days. I wanna revel in these days. I wanna revel in these healing days. Won't you revel with me now in these healing days with all these healing ways? Thank you. [applause] I do, in large part to my performance anxiety. Even though I had begun writing songs and banging around on my guitar in a closed room in my house for years, it wasn't until I kind of found bravery enough to get in front of an open mic at an event called White Pine that still happens four times a year around the equinoxes and the solstices over at the Creamery in Downsville. You know it was a very safe place because it was a very small crowd and very forgiving and you know you had all the whole spectrum in terms of talent. And it really wasn't until people started asking me if I was gonna, if I had recorded anything and that prompted me to actually look into a recording project because it was secure inside the recording studio and then I realized, oh now I have all these CDs. I guess I better get past this enough to go out and start performing. So this song was kind of born of that White Pine opportunity and experience and it's called White Pine. So many years gone by, just like a whispering like a whole lifetime. I had to tuck it all away, half a breach of my mind. My heart had not found it's true or worse. And I had to make my way to my own White Pine. Oh, White Pine, yeah. White Pine, you help me fight. Music in my passions. I sent songs out on the wind in four directions. So many midnight melodies. Did they reach you as the light won't breeze upon your limbs? White Pine. Oh, White Pine. White Pine. White Pine. Yeah, the years have thinned our needles. Made our bounds are right across the road. Our strength and beauty dream long against a book and you know our roots. You know our roots stronger than ever. I've moved among the trees. Mighty oak and vending we know. And I've learned a lot of things, most about my own soul. My heart had not found it's true or worse. As my path circles around again. Long side, White Pine. Oh, long side, White Pine. Yeah, long side, White Pine. Needles growing thinner, miles a lot of color. Oh, yeah. Oh, and you know our roots, roots stronger than ever. Yeah, you know our roots. I've moved stronger than ever. I've moved stronger than ever. The roots are stronger than ever. Stronger than ever ever. Yeah, stronger than ever. White Pine. White Pine. Thank you. Is this a good stopping point? Yeah, okay. Yeah, we'll get a little poetry and maybe some other info and then we'll be back testing some more. Thanks. That was singer-songwriter Poppy Multer who was performing her songs accompanied by Troy Jackson as a benefit for the Wellness Shack, a non-profit Eau Claire-based organization advocating for adults with mental illness. They do peer support, run a number of workshops and activities and provide a safe place for those with mental illness, a very substantial percentage of our population to heal, grow and learn. I'm Mark Helps me to learn Spirit Radio bringing you a spirit in action visit to the Wellness Shack fundraiser. In addition to the music provided by Poppy Multer and Troy Jackson, we'll hear from some of those active with the Wellness Shack and there will be some poetry around mental health and mental illness theme. And we'll shortly hear from Savannah Rae, some of her poetry. Savannah, by the way, has been my guest before on my Song of the Soul program. But for the moment, let's go back to the benefit concert for the Wellness Shack held during Mental Health Awareness Week at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation in Eau Claire. As we continue with our entertainment here this evening, wanted to sprinkle it in, of course, with some poetry and also some information as it pertains to mental health. And as I had stated previously is that this week is Mental Health Awareness Week, and as I stated, the government kind of set up this week as far as embracing and celebrating mental illness. And back in 1999, the Surgeon General had stated in this new language that persons with mental illness due to the stigma that had been there previously. They recognized, trying to incorporate language into that legislature, saying that people should go and get assistance just like any other condition, whether it's a heart condition, diabetes, whatever. So, trying to remove that stigma and celebrate mental health. And again, at the Wellness Shack, we celebrate mental health. So, please feel free to stop down and join us. I'm going to sprinkle in just a couple of statistics. For example, myself, about two years back, I was diagnosed with major depression. Wanted to let you know that really 22% of Americans annually have been diagnosed with some sort of mental illness. One in four of the United States has a challenge here or there. And when we look at depression at 16% of the population. So with that being said, it is what it is. I am going to introduce Becky, just briefly, and then she's going to come up and talk about herself, too. And then Nora's going to come up and do a little poetry, okay? Becky is going to be coming up. She's been in the Eau Claire area for 22 years, and she's been down at the Wellness Shack with us since 2006. She enjoys music and gardening, and she is on the board down at the Wellness Shack, and she's a major contributor. So, I'm going to bring Becky up, and she's going to talk a little bit more about herself and what the Wellness Shack means to her. Thank you. I started coming down to the Wellness Shack. December of 2006, Tammy had invited me to the Christmas party, and I just started hanging around. It seemed like every day when her and I were talking, she didn't bite me to things down there. And so it became part of my life, and I'm so nervous, I might cry. So that's how I started, and it's really hard to talk up here. And... Here we go. Yeah, okay. All right, you're doing great. And so, then I got elected to the board, which was not in the making. I did not plan back. And Poppy's music is really beautiful. I almost started crying with her first song, so when she's talking about anxiety. And I have challenges with that and sleep and things like that, but I was not diagnosed with a mental illness, but I have a lot of fears. And one of them is speaking, and my fiance is in back there, and he says the next thing is death. I feel like I'm dying of death. All right, you did great. Thanks, Becky. Thank you. Becky did a great job. And through my mixed up mind on occasion, I get a little bit lost. I was incorrect. It's not Nora coming up next. It'll be Sarah. I'm really messed up. I got to look at my itinerary. Savannah, come on up. Tell us a little bit about yourself and do some more. Well, I will tell you a little bit about myself. I used to live with Nora, and now I live with Sarah, so it's not surprising you got this mixed up. This is really bizarre, not being able to see you. I just see heads. I've heard people say that before. This is my first time actually reading my poetry in public, and I want to tell you why I decided to do this. Back in April, I was diagnosed with cancer. It's really been a spiritual journey moving through this process of recovery. And one of the things that I've come to realize in this process is that this is not my life. This is God's life. And I'm not sure if I have cancer right now, and I'm not sure I have a mental illness, or if I'm mentally healthy, or if I'm just wildly creative. The truth is, it doesn't matter, because there's this energy inside of me that I call God that is expressing itself. And today I went to hear Bernie Siegel talk, and he said, "Don't try to not die. Live." And so that's why I'm here today, because my poetry is an expression of who I am, and the poems that I've picked out today show a little bit of the journey that I've taken from denying mental illness to loving and accepting it as a part of my wholeness and my holiness. This is one of the first poems I ever wrote, and one of the things I like to do is I like to go to coffee shops and wait until I hear something interesting that someone says, and then I just start writing about it. So this is exactly how it came out the day in the coffee shop, and if I recall, there's three voices here. It starts out with, he hears voices in his head, and he's totally serious about it. Don't we all? I mean, you do, right? You know what I mean, huh? Who said that? I did. Who are you? Where are you? Just who are you talking to? I mean, your head dumbass, the one holding the cigarette. Okay, I'm out of here. You're totally losing it. No, no, you've totally lost it this time. Okay, bye. I'm in control. I'm in total control. I am not crazy. What's up with this affirmation stuff? Could it stop? I'm not crazy. I'm not. Whatever you say. Yeah, that's right. Whatever I say, I'm totally in control. Yeah, right. I don't hear voices in my head, but I know some people, well, other than the committee that's going on, but I know some people do. And one of the things that I appreciate about the Wellness Shack is I participated in a class, a peer-to-peer class, where I found out that regardless of people's diagnosis, they're more like me than not like me. And I'm so grateful for the Wellness Shack. This doesn't have a name. It's Four Lines. I like to hide things from myself. Jack springs from her box. And then I remember where I hid my fear. This one's called Mindful. Now, for a while, I thought that I was bipolar, and maybe I am, or maybe I'm wildly creative. I went to a psychiatrist to get the proper diagnosis because I really wanted to know whether I was bipolar or not. All I came away with him saying from that, he didn't change my diagnosis, but he did say that I appeared to be of above average intelligence. Now, whether or not I am, I don't know. But one of the reasons why I thought that I may be bipolar is because I have these experiences of what's called mania. In these experiences, there's a rhythm that goes on in my head, and it's always there. So some of my poems have this rhythm, and this one does, and it's called Mindful. That's M-I-N-D, capital F-U-L-L, mindful. What's next? What's next? I can't stand it. What's next? What is this inside of me, driving me, dividing me? What about now? Who cares? What's next? What's next? Mind my ear, and I don't even know it. What's next? What's next? Oh! Crash! How did I get this bump on my head? Thank you. Who ever did that little chuckle? And this one's called Growing Pain. I dig into the soil of my soul, and I groan. I feel the drone of the heartbeat of the Earthmother beating, beating, beating, spiraling downward, taking me deeper into myself, into the world under this one, into the world, this one. But I don't know that it's all right here, that I'm all right here, so I dig a hole into the soil as I groan. My soul releasing into holiness, into the whole of the abyss, ever deepening, ever expanding, ever deepening. Now, this poem I wrote when I started realizing that I could have both a relationship and be myself. I fell in love with this man named Kevin, and his email name was Bluesbender, so I wrote this poem for him. Blues of midnight, of baby of sky, bending my greens of acid, my yellows of rays, mixing and matching a wack-a-doo bouquet, twirling this girl off her feet with a whirl, you danced as you pranced, you colored my world. This is how you bend me, shape me, touch me. This is how you hold me, stretch me, love me. This is how the blues swelled to meet yellow. This is how Bluesbender became my lover. Thanks, I really like that one too. And I have two more poems here. One of the things that I learned to do really well because of my depression is to become a people pleaser. I always wanted to cover it up, and I thought that if I was good enough at pleasing people that I could. So this first poem is about Penelope, the people pleaser, and the second one is called the death of a persona. Penelope the people pleaser won the Sunshine Award when she was in senior high. Isn't that sweet? Death of a persona. I'm tired of being so damn competent. I'm talking about a part of me that likes it when you say, "I'm surprised you feel cranky." Well, let me tell you something. If you believe that I have transcended into a static state of bliss, that I have risen above crankiness or any other human experience, then you should smell my farts. They stink. Come to think of it, so does this job. Consider this my notice. I'm done being super competent, people pleasing, over vigilant, craze care-taking rescuer. I'm throwing away my tenies and I'm taking my cape to the cleaners. In fact, I think I'll leave it there. I'm exhausted and I quit. [applause] And this last poem, I just realized that I wrote on the day I was driving over to Marshfield on the same day that I met with my surgeon. It was a Friday in the following Monday I had surgery. I was riding over. I was really sick. I was jaunteous. I was shades of green and yellow that you've only seen in bruises. And my friend Steven was driving me over. I just came to for a moment. I said, "Where's my journal? I want to write this down." And this is a relationship now that I have with depression. And for any of you out there that are struggling with this or any other diagnosis or just the human condition, I hope that you too can come to this place. I hold on to depression as if it's a baby doll rocking it ever so gently and calling her sweetheart. Thank you. [applause] Thank you, Savannah. That was beautiful. And Becky, thank you too. That was wonderful also. So I'm going to turn it back over to Poppy and Troy and we'll listen to a little bit of music. Thank you so much. [applause] I have to give a plug for Bischoff guitars. I don't have to. I want to. This is a Bischoff guitar. Gertie Bischoff is a local luthier. And he did some custom inlay work for me. I relate to a hawk as my power animal, and so there's a hawk up here on the peg head. And then I'll have other sort of transformational animals around my sound hole here. And then along the fretboard he put in feathers, like they're drifting down from the hawk. So I did mention that I had performance anxiety. I said had. [laughs] Okay. Truly, it was actually after I started doing some more public performing that I was just noticing how much it was kind of jumping in there on occasion and kind of with the growing intensity. So I actually worked with a psychotherapist in the area with a technique called EMDR, which is, it uses, it basically helps to integrate experiences between the hemispheres of the brain to kind of level out so that we're not just stuck in the emotional place of it. So that really has helped me a lot. It's amazing the myriad of other resources that there are out there to address some of the mental health issues. And I suspect that the Wellness Shack continues to accumulate some of the techniques, modalities, resources that you can steer people. So I just really applaud those efforts because there is so much available that people don't know about and it can really make a huge difference. So we're going to start out with a song called Waters Changing. One of the other things that I do, I'm a massage therapist by day. And one of the things that I'm also involved in is called Integrative Breath Work. It's really kind of extended meditation to music tracks. Anyway, I really wrote this song, Waters Changing, as almost a song that would be given to someone who is coming out of that kind of deeper inner journey experience. So it was like this. ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, you are back and you are well ♪ ♪ From those vast landscapes with sound and breath ♪ ♪ Resently with every sound ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, in this space ♪ ♪ Surrounding your dreams ♪ ♪ With all you save as you die for peruse ♪ ♪ So deep and unseen ♪ ♪ All the waters changing ♪ ♪ Heart's rearranging on their own ♪ ♪ All the waters changing ♪ ♪ Heart's rearranging on their own ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ You could start lighting your hair ♪ ♪ Tell us, where did you travel, what did you do and see ♪ ♪ On your journey in vain ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, in what grist I ♪ ♪ Well, you can rest assured that a shiny pearl will emerge over time ♪ ♪ All the waters changing ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, in the heart is rearranging ♪ ♪ On its own ♪ ♪ Yeah, the waters changing ♪ ♪ Heart's rearranging on their own ♪ ♪ Na na na na na ♪ ♪ Whoever told you you were not put in love ♪ ♪ ♪ Who wrongly said you'd be left behind ♪ ♪ Only simply did not know the truth ♪ ♪ When we see your soul lying ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ That star lighting your hair ♪ ♪ Tell me, where did you travel, what did you do and see ♪ ♪ On your journey in vain ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, and you've changed ♪ ♪ I can see that in your eyes ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, you swam with your shadows so you could be ♪ ♪ More real and alive ♪ ♪ All the waters changing ♪ ♪ Heart's rearranging on their own ♪ ♪ Yeah, the waters changing us ♪ ♪ Rearranging on their own ♪ ♪ Yeah, the waters changing us ♪ ♪ Rearranging on their own ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ [applause] Thank you. We will be back and do another short set for you after they have some other entertainment and information. That was Poppy Multer and Troy Jackson performing at the October 12th benefit for the Wellness Clinic. They actually did a few 20-minute sets, and I captured for you only three of the songs they performed. I'm Mark Helpsmeet of Northern Spirit Radio. That's northernspiritradio.org on the web, and this is Spirit in Action. Next up at the fundraiser is some poetry by Nora Bates and some inspiration for all of us. Just a couple of things before we turn it over to Nora. 9.6% of our population manages some sort of anxiety, including me. At the Wellness Shack, we certainly welcome people to visit, but we also welcome donations to put towards our printing, put towards our craft materials, put towards a number of things. So there's a number of donation jars around the building here tonight, so we'd really welcome your contribution. Thank you in advance for your contributions. Before I bring Nora up, I'm just going to speak just a little bit about her. Nora has been at the Wellness Shack from its beginnings in 2004, so has quite the history. She enjoys journaling poetry, crafts, and helping others find their inner beauty and creative brains. So with that being said, I'm going to turn it over to Nora. Thank you. [Applause] Everyone has one. Some are buried deep, deep. We are searching, want to share, want to destroy, want to fix or change and work others. It's hidden deep. Mine is hidden deep and sheltered, coming out, opening vulnerability to expose with grace. It's like a beautiful crystal wall, the kind that snows. Look, don't touch. I hear a whisper to me. Shh. Isn't it beautiful? Come here. Look this way. She crouches to her knees and looks up from below. Shh. It's beautiful. She crosses to the other side and stands with her head tilted to the right. It's shiny. Shh. Look, don't touch. She faces away. Ben's over and looks upside down through her knees. The snow. It's settled. She showed it to me from the distance. Today she brought me the closest I've ever been. I was honored. I had chills. I was filled with emotion. I felt tears of humbling, of sadness and slate anger. Feelings of calm and clarity. Shh. Look, don't touch. So I'm going to share my look, don't touch. I wrote this about 20 years ago when I, well, 15 years ago when I first started dealing with my mental illness. Whatever you want to call it. Yeah. Whatever. My creativity. And I work in parts. I have different little people inside me and instead of me trying to explain it to you, I thought I'd just share how I was introduced to all of them. I met Maverick when I was house-sitting for a friend. I was watching Top Gun for the bazillionth time. During the scene where Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards fly upside down over the fighter, Tom's character Maverick takes a pull-right of the opposition. Mid-flight, flying however miles per hour, screaming inches apart, metal from metal, dangerous, yet in control or not. Sometimes I crack myself up. I heard a squeal of delight in my head. I would think everyone has basic chatter in their head at times. What to do? What not to do? This was definitely different than Jiminy Cricket sitting on my shoulder. Well, the chatter began to become clearer, and Maverick introduced herself. Hi, I'm Maverick, and I'm the driver of this plane. Okay. I just sat there and listened. Unafraid but feeling a bit peculiar. Yeah, I like to go fast and right in the sky with my smoke back there. I like doing loop-dee-loops too. It makes my tummy jiggle, just like jello. Maverick had on blue jeans with holes in the knees and grass stains. Her tennis shoes were worn and scruffy. She wore a leather red-baron hat with a flap swaying to the side of her head, wild straight brown hair protruding from the hat. Big brown goggles rested above her eyes on the forehead of the hat. She wore a red scarf tied loosely around her neck. I don't remember what shirt she wore, but I'm sure it would have been something like a t-shirt the red drinks bright and get a life. Monks rule. That's monkeys. Maverick's pink shave cheeks were smeared with chocolate as well as her sticky fingers that rested on the steering wheel of her plane that she and only she flew. Next to her seat was a box of chocolate bars, empty wrappers, and an assortment of soda, the kind of sugar. Yeah, I drive this plane and we have fun. Gets kind of bumpy sometimes, but I drive good, so la-la-la. My baby is in the back, don't you go by her. She's locked in a seat belt, so she's safe. I feed her milk. Yeah, I take care of her good. Change her diapers, burp her, make her laugh. Sometimes she don't stop crying, so I turn the music up loud. She's pretty good, though, really. Now, behind her is the cave, and don't you go back there. Nope, stay out of there and don't open that door. Do you hear me? Okay. I spent the next few hours sitting quietly on the couch, surfing the television stations. I still felt peculiar. I'm being good, ain't I? I can sit quiet if I want. I'm not a brad all the time. I'm hungry. Her eyes were sparkling deep blue, wide-eyed, exploring her surroundings. What do you got here to eat? I walked to the kitchen and began exploring the cupboards, the drawers, the refrigerator, freezer, all the while saying, "I'm not snooping. I'm just looking for something to eat. I'm not snooping. I'm just looking for something to eat." I wonder who was looking for food, who was flying my plane, and was this snooping or not? I decided to call it exploring. Somehow I, we, decided on a toasted bagel with simply fruit jam and tea with lots of sugar. I spent the next week and a half overdosing an MTV and the B-52s dancing around like a madman until I dropped immediately on the couch, listening to the delight, squeals, and spontaneity of this maverick thing who has presented itself to me. I realized, however, this was not my first encounter with maverick, but she, for whatever reason, decided to introduce herself at this time in my life. And without a say in the matter, I was going to go on one hell of an airplane ride. So that's how I was introduced to all the little chatter in my head. And she talks about the baby, and Poppy had mentioned abuse, and then she talked about behind the cave in the airplane. And that's what I've been dealing with. Still, I've been working with that, and I was in the hospital in July, getting to know this part, and learning to love it, and listening to her instead of saying, "Oh, you're crazy, or shut the voice up," or whatever. This is what she, I wrote. I've heard all that I'm not stupid, evil, smart-ass. I just don't know who I am. Where is hope? I am passion. I am determination. I am courage. I am grace. I am desire. Girl, misled. Gently guide. Don't touch, for I have no skin. The bruises are deep, but the blood is dried, and I need someone to hold me. Baby, I need a little more you. Passion. Determination. Courage. Grace. Desire. Namaste. Do you see the Christ within? Then who am I? Am I ego? Am I the devil? That is absolute nonsense. I am passion. I am determination. I am courage. I am grace. I am desire. Girl, misled. Are you alive? I don't hear anybody. I don't see anybody. Okay. Anybody who knows me, knows that I love to knit. And I made this blanket for my mom, but she died before I could give it to her. Knitting is just so meditative for me, so I just wrote this journal entry one night, and I want to share that with you. September 5th, 2007. 11.47 p.m. I wonder why knitting has been so important to me in the last three years. Picking up those sticks were like walking for the first time. I found knitting to be a metaphor for my life. Prilling with a slip, slip knit over my slip, slip, slippery life. I thought recently the majority of my adult life has been learning to walk with my alter eagles, little people, whatever you want to call them. I'm an official long label that I have forgot at first but have grown to accept because it's a way I can kind of make sense of myself. Slip, slip. Sometimes I fall over that label and take the meds to counteract the fast pace in my head. They do work because I don't know any other way to slow it down. I love myself the best way I know how, but some of the parts insist to hate herself to the point of death, but I try to knit a straight row so she trusts me to help her, find herself, to find myself. I don't understand it, so I don't expect anyone else to. But I do know that like my knitting, I can weave beautiful patterns with those complex personalities. So late at night, during the day, with family, with friends, I meditated a fleet knit to call my mind addiction to thinking versus addiction to knitting. This is how beautiful my mind thinks. It's so easy to tear out mistakes, something I struggle to tell the parts that they aren't to mistakes. I reassure myself that my new therapist is not there to erase me as a mistake. I reassure the parts that the meds are not to kill them. I've come to the conclusion, I need to accept the parts as me, as John Nash, in a beautiful nut mind, accepted his hallucinations as a part of his reality. It's just when I get suicidal, when she gets suicidal, that I need to be concerned. So I knit to weave my love towards her, to show her how beautiful she is. But look at my fat gut, she says. "No one will love me. They don't know you," I tell her. And we're working on it. God is with us in the right time and right person. Ooh, slip, slip. I dropped a stitch. I slow down and ladder up, picking it up, that lost stitch. Sometimes I feel sad and reassure myself that that's what others feel too. Sometimes I feel happy and remind myself that others feel that way too. For me, that label can get me in trouble if I'm too much of anything and may need another pill to comb me off. But I trust my doctor, which has taken me many years of understanding misunderstandings, to reach a circular point of entargia, a combination of greens and reds and oranges of laughter through tears, another beautiful piece of entwined fibers. Tonight I can't sleep. I'm keeping track of what I've eaten and I've done a fairly good job today. I forgot my AM meds for the first time in a long time. That's not why I'm awake. Why does everything have to revolve around this so-called illness? A hint of anger to pearl around the edge with a bulky flare of soft melabrigo? My busy mind at 12.18 AM, a new day. Dark at this time of a new day. Dark like I feel now. But that's okay because charcoal tweed with flecks of purple make a beautiful cable stitch scarf. It's all good. I think I'll admit for a while. Good night and peace. Number 6, 2007, 12.30 AM. [applause] And then I just want to end with one more journal entry that I wrote. September 15th, 2007, I have this insomnia thing going on. At 12 AM, this is the upside of the downside of mental illness. Like insomnia, lying awake at night staring out the window at the full moon spilling out of the sky. Experiencing a chemical imbalance trip, a free-floating zen, others would pay for psychedelic drugs to get the same effect. Watching a free horror show on TV where skeletons ooze out the screen and lose people talk to you. And it doesn't cost $8 for a movie ticket. Developing a sharp sense of humor to get through the sharp times. Like squeezing your butt cheeks together to get to the nurse bathroom and laughing when you don't make it after scowling and disgust. Side effects of medication or an appreciation of the process of elimination. [laughter] You know, poop. Being able to communicate with animals, like ducks. Helping them save the water from pollution. Delusional, yep, having a sense of humor. Creativity oozing out my ears from making cards to knitting to writing and drawing. Perfection, enough to get 100% on a graduate-level statistics exam. And I still can't believe I did that. Tears, pain, and laughter to get closer to my family. Creative problem solving to help bush get dust through these tough times. [laughter] Lower inhibitions to tell my doctors what I really think. A closer relationship to God, now that I'm not God, or fully God, delusion and grandiosity. A deep sense of empathy for others. A new car on a manic thing. Next is learning to budget on a fixed income. Trust in God that there is enough to go around and I am taken care of without guilt. Humility. Getting to know myself, my limits, my boundaries, my talents. So I can help myself, so I can help others. Having obtainable dreams, just like anyone else. Thank you. [applause] That was Nora Bates sharing some of her poetry at the October 12 benefit for the Wellness Clinic. An Eau Claire-based organization for adults with mental illness. Working to reduce the stigma of the label and provide mutual support and, of course, wellness for participants. Nora, by the way, was recently my guest for Song of the Soul. So consider listening to that program online at northernspiritradio.org. Just search for Nora. The theme music for this program is Turning of the World, performed by Sarah Thompson. This Spirit in Action program is an effort of Northern Spirit Radio. You can listen to our programs and find links and information about us and our guests on our website, northernspiritradio.org. Thank you for listening. I am your host, Mark Helpsmeet, and I welcome your comments and stories of those leading lives of spiritual fruit. May you find deep roots to support you and grow steadily toward the light. This is Spirit in Action. With every voice, with every song, we will move this world alone. With every voice, with every song, we will move this world alone. And our lives will feel the echo of our healing.