Through Every Season
15 Year Journey with Infertility: Crystal Essex
(upbeat music) Hello, this is Ashley. Welcome to the Through Every Season podcast. Everyone is welcome here, and it's a safe space for you to explore your faith in God. We all go through different journeys in life. That includes highs, lows, and everything else in between. Grab a drink of the day, a snack, and take a seat. We'll help you walk through every season. (upbeat music) Well, welcome, Crystal. We have Crystal Essex on the podcast today. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day, which is at a different time of day for you than me to come on the podcast. I've never, I don't think I've ever met anybody that lives in Alaska, so you are on Alaskan time, and I'm on Easter in time, but wow, that was already a change on the podcast, to having the four-hour time difference, but welcome, Crystal. Do you wanna give a little bit of an intro? Sure, it's super awesome to be here, such a pleasure. I'm actually from West Virginia, so I'm pretty familiar with Eastern Time, so that was pretty easy to navigate with the time difference, but we are about four hours behind you guys. I grew up in West Virginia, just your typical small town girl. My hometown has about 200 people, more cattle head than a human head, four ways to stop sign, nothing to write home about, but it's home. Became a travel nurse, my husband was having really difficult time getting employment, was driving two to three hours one way to DC for job, and that's not ideal any time, especially not in the winter time. And so difficult time, he was in construction, got laid off a lot, when the seasons slowed down, just made more sense. So just to try to find some more stable income, I became a travel nurse and wound up in Alaska, found some incredible people, found an incredible church, and just never looked back. My husband and I lived in Fairbanks for about seven years, and we recently relocated to Sitka. So if you're familiar with the movie proposal, it's about Sitka, but it was not filmed here. But I get that question a lot. But yeah, we've been here since March, and we love it. We love Alaska, we love the community, and we love the weather, believe it or not, and super excited to be here. - Oh, wow. Yeah, Alaska is a place that I really would love, love to visit. I also will say I'm not very good at geography. I'm actually pretty terrible. I'm not even gonna try to hype myself up a little bit. And I didn't realize until, you know, like the Russia, like, Ukraine stuff started happening. I didn't realize like how close like Russia is to Alaska. And I'm sure that people would probably roll me their eyes. Be like, this girl is silly. How did she not know that? But me and a map, we're not really really friends. My really truly didn't realize how close it was to Russia. - I don't think you're alone in that. I didn't realize how close it was either. But they're from the closest point of Russia to the closest point of Alaska is 50 miles. So we're closer to Russia than we are the, what we call the lower 48, the continental United States. We're closer to Russia than we are to that. So it's pretty crazy. It was so funny. People think that it's this small island like off the coast of Hawaii. And actually, Alaska, the state of Alaska is the same size on the third of the entire United States. So from Fairbanks to Anchorage is like driving from West Virginia to Florida. And that's just a small piece of the state. So it's pretty incredible. - Oh my gosh, I need to get out to Alaska. That's on my list just because there's just so many like amazing things out there from like the nature and like the Northern Lights. And it's definitely on my list. And I'm originally from Indiana and I actually, I live in Ohio, which is like neighbors to West Virginia. - Yeah. - So there we go. So we're gonna move in to the drink of the day. Crystal, did you bring a drink of the day to share with everyone today? - Well, I am drinking a London fog. That's my go-to drink. So I love London fogs. I have a really nice, it's made by Instapot. Well, it's not Instapot, I guess it's made by Instant. But it foams up coffee, cream, or you can do cold foam or hot foam and so I take some Earl Grey tea and some vanilla and honey and my whipped almond milk and just make myself a nice little cozy cup of tea. - That sounds so good. Whenever I think of a London fog for some reason, I think like cozy coffee shop. So that's just gonna be your vibe today. It's just like cozy, I also have tea too. We didn't even plan that. Then I have it in my little, I'm working hard to support my dog. - Muck. (laughs) - I have, because we're at two different times of the day. It's almost seven o'clock here and it would be almost three o'clock your time. Caffeine and me, we're not gonna get together tonight. So I have chamomile tea with honey. So the chamomile is actually homegrown. We grow in our backyard, so it's chamomile. That is grown at the Sabula household with some local raw honey. And sometimes I get the ratio and it's like not very good where it's like too earthy. And you're like, eh, this is a little too earthy for me. But I actually, I got the ratio pretty good today. So drink of the days are cozy vibes today. - I didn't mention my cup. My friend, my friend Faith bought me this cup. This is my, this is what a published author looks like. - Oh, that is so cute. Oh my gosh. - That is so cute. And that's a perfect segue to kind of talk about the topic for today, which today we're going to talk about Crystal's journey with trying to conceive in her infertility journey as well as her book that she just published, 'cause she's a published author that was inspired by your and your husband's, husband's journey. And just to kind of jump, just jump right into it, 'cause I'm so excited to talk about this today. What did the start of your trying to conceive journey look like? - Growing up, I had some potential health problems. I was a sick kid. My parents took me to the doctor quite a bit and they couldn't really give us any answers. I didn't find out until my 30s that I have a congenital defect called septooptic dysplasia, which one of the side effects to that is, it messes with all of your pituitary hormones. And so it's not something that they typically find unless you're having really pronounced symptoms, which my symptoms have always been vague. So kind of forget I said all of that. And as a teenager, you know, I had delayed onset, puberty, puberty, about 13, but most women and family started around 10 or 11. So, you know, around 13 was a little abnormal in my family and my periods were very few and far between. I was underweight, I'm short stature. So when I was 13, you know, I'm four foot eight, so I'm very petite and I weighed probably 50 pounds. And so my, you know, my doctors were just like, well, she's got a low weight. It's probably not a problem. You need cholesterol, you need fat, you know, all this. And so did it really consider much more until I met my husband and we decided that we weren't going to take any preventative measures? I kind of already thought we were going to have problems because if you're not having a period often, and at this time I was about 85 pounds and my early 20s, you know, we got together about 22, we were about 22, 23 years old. So early 20s, very, very, very petite and just wasn't happening. I was on birth control to actually start having periods more frequently, the hormones wreaked havoc on my body. So I took, I was taken off the hormones. And so my husband was away for a period of time and I decided to go see a reproductive endocrine. Well, actually I decided to go see an OB and just say, hey, you know, my periods are irregular. It's never really been a problem. I don't have any answers, but I'm married and I want to have a baby. My husband and I want to start right away. She sent me to a reproductive endocrinologist, did a bunch of tests. All of my reproductive hormones were like non-existent. Like barely had any estradiol, estradiol, no progesterone, no FSH, follicle stimulating hormone, no luteinizing hormone. My cortisol was like zero, less than one. My human growth hormone was like non-existent. For a normal person, like a normal healthy adult, my range at that time should have been about 250 and it was 18. So they recommended going through a ton of just different medical interventions. It was about a year or two later. So at this point, my husband and I had been trying for about five years. For us, we didn't wait for marriage like we were in a relationship before marriage. So we'd already been having intercourse for five years and we're just not preventing. It's been five years. We're not pregnant. Nothing's happening and this is kind of where we are. So we decided to consider some infertility medications. Our provider at the time, our reproductive endocrinologist, wanted me to take human growth hormone. So I started taking the injections, started taking hydrocortal bone, thyroid replacement, the whole gamut of medications. My first month of simulated cycles, I was on menopure and novel the trigger shot. I did 10 days of stims, had two beautiful follicles. Everything looked promising. Did not, I ovulated, did not get pregnant. My second round, my human growth hormone was not budging. So my IGF-1 was not raising. And if your IGF-1 is not raising, your pituitary is just really overloaded. And so I did 28 days of trigger shots with menopure and novel and then the novel trigger. Every other day, blood work, every three or four day ultrasound. So we were thousands of dollars into this thing and I'm not producing anymore follicles. Like my ovaries just were like, no, we're done. Like we're not doing it. I had beautiful eggs. My AMH was beautiful, my egg quality was great. The issue really was, my pituitary was not talking to my ovaries to produce follicles. And then my uterine lining was barely existed. It was paper thin. I really had a lot of things going against me. The doctor at that time said, well, you just need to go straight to IVF. But it was the same medications and it was more money. Like I would have had to fly out of town. We would have had to go through this whole gamut of, you know, more testing, more money. You know, I can't even stay in my hometown. I have to go somewhere for a week. As women, like we're aware that this is an emotional thing. At some point, my husband and I just decided, you know, this is just not something that we can do. Around the 28 day mark of taking those hormones and trying to push my body to produce follicles, I started having stroke symptoms. The whole left side of my body went completely numb. I couldn't speak. I woke up in the middle of the night, felt, you know, I couldn't feel my feet. I couldn't feel my hands. I tried to wake my husband up. I couldn't produce words. I, it just felt like my tongue was fat in my mouth. And so my husband was really concerned. I was a nurse at that point, you know, I'm a nurse. And so I'm like, oh, no, man, like I'm having a stroke. And so I started breaking out. We went to the hospital, turns out I was like, my thyroid was just really out of whack and my cortisol was not existent. My body was just freaking out. Didn't really have a stroke. Just the symptoms and then mixed it very closely. So we decided that we weren't going to push ourselves to do the IDF at that time. And then a couple years later is when I moved to Alaska and started really digging deep into what do I really believe? Like what, what do I believe about my body? What do I believe about my experiences? - Honestly, I can only imagine how discouraging that journey so far was. Especially just with all of the different doctors appointments you have to go to and go and get into your labs. Like what you said, all of the money that's involved just to maybe have a baby when for most of the population they could have a baby. And I mean, up until delivery or depending on what your insurance is, I mean, it's free to get pregnant as in like they don't have to pay for an intervention to help with the process. Take and see. - Yeah. - Yeah, and it's, you know, it's not just the cost of the medications. Like it's gas, I had to drive an hour. I had to take time off work. If that was not, I was not getting paid for it. I, you know, I had to get blood work and your insurance only pays so much for that blood work, there's co-pays. And after a while, they're saying a cave and testing the same hormone so many times like we're not going to cover it. You know, there's medication, there's supplies, there's needle, there's sharps containers and alcohol prep pads. And if you're going on vacation, you have to buy some place to keep it cold. And there's just a lot that is not factored in. And I don't know how many thousands of dollars we spent for two months, like for two tries, two cycles, you know, like at that point, when we finally had our two cycles, I was 25, 26. - Mm-hmm. - And like people were already starting to have the conversation that like you're pushing your age. Like your age is, you're pushing the limits. And I'm thinking I'm 26, 27 years old. I think I was 26 when we got married. So I was 27 when I started the infertility treatments. There was a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure to make a decision right now. And if you don't make this decision right now, it's never going to happen. And I've seen women just like risk everything for this. Like this is something our bodies were designed to do. And it's not happening. And it's such an emotional process. It's hard to wrap your mind around not being able to get pregnant. And then now there's this like this countdown that society has created to say, okay, the pressure's on. And you're like, like I haven't already been feeling it. Okay, you know. - Oh yes. And I can't believe the people acted at 25 or 26. Like, oh well, menopause is around the corner. So you better hurry it up. I'm 29. I turned 30 in October. And I always had wanted to have a baby before I was 30. And I turned 30 this October. And spoiler alert, I'm not pregnant right now. I've kind of heard both ends of it. You know, some people are like, you have your whole 30s. You have your whole 30s. You know, it's okay. Just take a few years, just travel, you know, do the things. And then I have, I've heard from other people like, probably need to start getting on that. Or I know one time when I was working, I had somebody say, yeah, I wanted to have all my kids by the time that I was 21. So I wasn't an old mom. Oh my goodness. I was like, well then, well, I guess I'm old. Thank you. So yeah, there is just, there is a ton. There's just so much pressure. There's so much pressure on women when it comes to fertility. And in another podcast interview that you've recently done, and you kind of talked about it a little bit already, you referenced going to see a reproductive endocrinologist for all of our medical savvy friends out there. Can you kind of explain kind of the role of a reproductive endocrinologist and kind of how they differ from like your standard like OB provider? Yeah. So, you know, you have your OB provider and then you have an endocrinologist which works with the endocrine system. Our ovaries are part of your endocrine system. So your reproductive endocrinologist works really in tandem with your OB. So if someone is having issues with specifically infertility, but a lot of other things like PCOS endometriosis, even if it's not even related to fertility, but just having some problems with hormone regulation, a reproductive endocrinologist is a really good resource. General OB sticks to like ovaries, uterus, cervix, vagina, you know, but that birth process, you know, gynecology, but the rest of that, your thyroid, your pancreas, your adrenal plans, your parathyroid, your thyroid, your pituitary, that's kind of out of their realm of things. - In another podcast interview that you recently did, you kind of discussed that at one point, and you kind of already mentioned it at the beginning with your introduction that you and your husband weren't followers of Christ or you weren't Christian. Are you comfortable kind of sharing that journey and how it kind of intertwines with your trying to conceive journey? - So my, I grew up in a church. My grandparents were believers. My grandmother had end stage COPD and she always had like preaching on, I had a Bible, a picture Bible, and she, you know, she read the Bible in front of me. It was just something that was a normal part of life. My parents didn't go to church, but on the weekends, my granddad would come pick me up and I'd spend the weekends there and that just kind of what it was as a child. When I became a teenager, I, you know, grandma's house isn't really the cool anymore when, you know, we had dial-up internet back then. This was the early 90s, okay. But we had dial-up internet and, you know, I got a cell phone and there was no cell phone signal and they didn't have internet. And just so like kind of quit going to grandma's house on the weekends when I became a teenager. And then my husband had gone to church. Like if people invited him as a kid, because it's basically because someone invited his mom and he was too young to, to kind of say no, basically, too young to respectfully decline, I guess. But throughout our relationship together, we had never gone to church. We just wasn't a part of our lives and we were very heavy in alcohol. You know, we lived that pretty lifestyle. It wasn't a priority. And I don't mean that in a negative way, but like it just wasn't a priority in our life at that time. So I became a travel nurse. Right before I became a travel nurse, I felt very heavily that God told me that I needed to sleep. I was on a beach somewhere, my friend was a minister and he said, you know, I want you to go out and I want you to ask God to speak to you. I was really depressed. I was, it was a really difficult time. Not only was I depressed about infertility, but my husband and I weren't on the same page. We weren't on the same page with my finances. We were both really heavy in drugs and alcohol. It just, I was trying to get sober and he didn't really want to get sober. I wasn't sure if I needed to leave my husband and really didn't believe in divorce, didn't really want to get divorced, but didn't really see any other options. So I'm on this beach and God speaks to me with nature. I love nature. But I'm on this beach and my friend who was a minister, I said, I want you to ask God to speak to you. And so I'm out kicking the waves. It's dark, there's heat lightning and I'm just, you can't see anybody on this beach. You can only see the silhouettes of people and I'm just like, God doesn't speak to me. Like I don't hear him. I just felt like in my spirit that God said go. And at the time I didn't believe it was from the Lord. I thought I was running from my problems. I was running from my husband. I was running from my marriage. I was running from a, you know, abuse, like substance abuse. I was running from infertility. I was running from everything that was really weighing me down heavily. And I was like, okay, God, like I'm gonna challenge you and I really want you to speak to me. And I felt peace in my heart. And so I was like, okay, my words peace. So I go tell Travis, I'm like, hey, you know, I thank God and I meant to say peace, but I said, I think God's telling me I need to go. I don't know where. Like I don't know where I need to go, but I just need to go. So I went back home. I had a lot of confirmations on that trip. Like the word go was just everywhere. I'd walk by people and they would be in a conversation with somebody else and they'd be like, go, like go. So I was like, oh man, like this is kind of crazy. I was having a really difficult time. I quit my job. I gave my husband my bill book. And I said, these are the passwords. These are the checking accounts. This is the due days like you figured out. Like I'm trying to be sober or figure it out. I quit my job and had a really difficult three months. Very depressed, could not get off the couch. Every time I would go to walk outside the doors in my house, my heart would go to like 150, 200. Just did not know what to do. I'm on my knees, my hands and knees in my kitchen. We lived in a two bedroom mobile home. My mortgage was $365. I could not afford it. I was so far behind. I just felt like such a failure. Like I let my family down, I let my grandparents down. And so I remember my friend sent me a song and it was a Christian song. And I really didn't really relate to anything. Like anything Christian, I had bright red hair. I had piercings like snake bite piercings. Like I'm a tattoo girl. My husband did tattoos. I have tattoos everywhere. Like walk into a church and feel like, you know, straight up outcast like just wasn't interested. But she sent me a song and it brought me to my hands and knees and I cried out to God and I said, you know, if you're real, if you're more than the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus and more than just a story that my parents tell me to do better, I need you to show yourself to me. I need you to prove yourself to me. A couple weeks later, my husband totals our only vehicle and I have to find work. I can't drive anywhere. So I start looking into travel nursing and we end up in Alaska. And I'm working with this girl who keeps inviting me to church and I keep making every single excuse. Like I grew up in church so I know that a girl should not be in a bar on Saturday night and then be at church in the morning. Like there's something wrong with that. You know, I'm like, okay, I felt that conviction. And so I was like, okay, nope, can't go with you. I got this or that and finally my contract ended and we go back home for two weeks. So travel nurse, I did 13 week contracts. We go back home, I walk back into my trailer and I see the holes in the wall from my husband being angry and drunk and the holes that were meant for me. And I'm looking and remembering the nights that I stayed up late wondering if my husband was alive or whose bed my husband was in. And I was like, this is not my home. This is not my life. I escaped this life. Coming to Alaska was like a honeymoon phase for my husband and we were sober. And for the most part, my husband was still drinking but for the most part we had sober, had been sober. And so like, I was like, no, this is not my life. So I go back home to Alaska, I come back to Alaska. I start my six months stint. So I signed a contract for six months. And this lady is there. And she's all like praise Jesus and praise, you know, glory to God and all this stuff. And I'm just like, man, you're so confident in your walk with God. And she invited me to church. And I was like, I'm sorry, I know I need to be there. Like I'm going through some really difficult things. And I really do need a relationship with God. Like I wanna know the truth, but I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not gonna wake up in the morning. I didn't tell her that I was probably gonna be at the bar all night. But, you know, I'm just not a morning person, is what I said. It's difficult for me to get up to be at church at 10 o'clock. And she said, praise God, my church starts at 3 p.m. And so I walked in that church in all of my glory, you know, I'm wearing like, you know, I'm short girl. So like, you know, even a small at that time, you know, my bra was hanging out, I looked half naked. Everything was too big and got thong underwear poking out. You know, I'm just like, you know, my hair is like a hot mess express. But I walked into that church and I felt something I never felt before. And I felt genuine love from the moment that I walked in until the moment I sat down, I was greeted by so many people who were like, "We're so happy you're here." I've never been welcomed anywhere. No one's excited that I walk in a room like it. You know, I'm me, like, I'm carrying all this away in this baggage, you know. And, you know, I started seeing God's hand in my life and started reading the Bible. And in the Bible are stories of women who are experiencing infertility. It just drew me in, you know, the first in the book of Genesis, you learn about Sarah and you learn about how she was like in her 90s and she had a baby, you know. Like then you learn about Rebecca and Rachel and then Hannah and the shoot of my woman, Manella's life and all of these women, I could relate to them. Knowing that there's proof that the word of God is real and that I can stand on it, I found a lot of security in that and I could relate to these women in a way that I couldn't relate to women in a chat room. I can't relate to someone that's, you know, that's getting pregnant after a year of trying. It's been 15 years for me, but I look at these women and they're waiting 20 years and God comes through and I'm seeing God come through in my own life. My husband was an atheist. Like he did not believe in God. You know, I'm in these stories and I'm reading these women and I'm relating to them in a way that I can't relate to anyone else. And so I started writing notes. I started keeping notes and mostly just for encouragement, mostly just to encourage me that like God still hears prayers. God is faithful. Like if he's answering this prayer, he's gonna answer that. Like, you know, he's gonna move, he's gonna speak. Like he knows the desires of my heart. You know, there's a scripture, Matthew 21, 22 or 22, 21, one of the two, but it says in all things believing whatsoever you shall ask and pray you shall receive. And that's the word of God and I can stand on that. So if I'm praying about my fertility and I'm asking him to move in a mighty way, I have to trust that he hears me and that he is faithful. It's not in my timing though. Like if it's in my timing, it would have happened 15 years ago at the age of 20, you know, whatever time 23. So I found just encouragement and peace in those stories and those women's accounts of sharing their story. I started reading the Bible for the first time in 2017 and about May, 2017. I finished it for the first time November of 2017. So that's what, six months, I just like completely devoured it. And then I just couldn't wait to read it again. And so I would take notes and in my notes, I had them typed up in a Google document and I outlined them, started outlining them. I started researching like Jewish history and like ancient Israel things like what did barren women do? Like what was their culture? And I just had all of these notes. God did answer that prayer. You did end up getting pregnant and experiencing, you know, seeing that positive pregnancy test. And do you mind or no? Are you comfortable kind of sharing your first pregnancy as well as your first loss and what that was like for you and how God was there for you during that? - Absolutely. So, you know, I talked about having all of those notes. In 2022, I had a really difficult time because at this point, you know, 2017, 18, 19, 20, 20, it's been five years and I'm standing on the faith of God and I'm asking, I'm praying the same prayers over and over every day, you know, I'm believing, I'm trusting, I'm reading the word. And so like we're reading the word of God, we're in the word every day. And I'm like, okay God, like I really need you to speak to me. It's taking a long time. And at 2017, my husband and I worked together in 2008. So, you know, that's almost 10 years. And we're like, okay God, you're faithful. Like I need you to speak to me. So I met a ladies retreat and I took that whole week off of work and the ladies retreat started on Thursday and I just shut myself in a closet and I cried out to God. And I just, and I was like, God, I really just need you to speak to me. I need you to, I need you to speak to me at this retreat. So we're at this ladies retreat. So I'm just like kind of floored. Well, I go off to the side after the service and I'm praying by myself. And I was a youth chaperone at the time, a youth leader. So I see one of our youth girls going up to pray and she's praying, you know, she's crying. She's feeling the presence of God. She's really struggling with some things in her life. So I go over to pray for her. Behind me, this woman, never seen her before, can't tell you who it was. I had my back turn, never heard her voice. Don't know anything about this woman. No one else saw this. So they don't know, like there's, don't know who this was. She came up behind me and started praying. I thought she was praying for my youth, one of my youth girls. And so I'm like, praise God. Like let's pray, let's like for just young girl. And then she says, you heard what she said. You have heard the audible voice of God. God made you a promise and he will fulfill his promise. I thought I was going to die. And at the moment, I was just like, something within me was like, it just broke. Like something within me just broke. The next morning, a girl comes to me and says, I, you know, I don't know, just, I feel like when you were praying, God told me that you were gonna have a baby. And I was like, what? So my friend that was in that service, I was praying for her daughter's friend, said, while you were praying with cherish over there, God told me that he was gonna answer your prayer. That's four women. And then I get to church on Sunday. So this was on Friday. And it was at our church, the conference was at our church. So everybody, all the ladies there were there. And I go up and I'm telling this, one of my friends, you won't, you know, like she was like, how's ladies retreat for you, whatever. And I said, well, this is what happened. And she said, crystal, I did not wanna tell you because I thought it, I didn't wanna hurt your feelings. But God told me that he was gonna answer your prayer. Yeah, I did not wanna hurt your feelings. I don't wanna hurt you. So I didn't mention it to you, but God told me he was gonna give you a baby. And that was six women. So that was 2022, 2023 rolls around, we're in January, my church did a 30 day prayer and fasting, aligned with the world network of prayer. And God tells me the things that I spoke to you in 2022, I'm gonna perform, I'm gonna make happen in 2023. The theme for that month at the world network of prayer, which is beyond us, like they have no idea that a little church in Fairbanks is doing this prayer, prayer time, but they were also prayer and fasting. And the theme was open and the scripture was Matthew 21, 22. And all things believing, what's wherever you shall ask in prayer, I believe in you shall receive. And so I said, okay, God, I'm gonna challenge you and I'm gonna pray for an open womb. Two weeks later in February, I started getting nauseous. My nipples hurt so bad. I am so exhausted all day long, but when it's time to go to sleep, I just cannot go to bed. And I'm like, I'm insomnia all night. I'm having dreams of a blonde-haired little boy with blue eyes and he's my baby in the dream. And my husband and I always said, a boy opens the womb. In the Bible, every barren woman has had a son and we were gonna name our son Samuel. Our first son, we were gonna name Samuel because it means he answered. Like, Hannah's story really resonated with me. And she brought, you know, she gave her son to the service of the Lord. And so like, you know, our first son was gonna be Samuel. And I'm taking pregnancy tests and they're coming back negative. And we go to this minister's retreat and all of my friends are there and they're like, your skin looks beautiful. What are you doing different? I'm like, I'm washing it, I don't know, like nothing. You know, I'm washing it every day and putting some lotion on, that's about it. But they're like, wow, you're just, you just got this glow about you. Like something just looks different. I was so thirsty. So part of my condition with my pituitary, I just don't feel thirst. Like I don't drink because I'm thirsty. I drink because what I'm drinking tastes good. So for me to drink water is a chore, but I was craving water. It was so weird. I was craving cucumber lemon along water with peppermint patties. And that's just like a really weird combo. I was peeing a lot. Like my urine changed colors. I'm having all these symptoms and I'm thinking something is wrong. Like something is wrong with me. I'm having period cramps. And if I'm not pregnant, something's wrong. Like I don't ever have a period once or twice a year. At this point, it had been over a year since I'd had a period. So like don't have any idea when my period was due. The middle of March, my symptoms were so much more pronounced and people were actually like, be sure you're not pregnant. Like you're pregnant. You look pregnant. And I'm like, I'm just fat, okay? I'm bloated. Like leave me be. You know, like I'm not pregnant. Stop asking me, tell me that I look pregnant. Well, I'm at Costco and I'm picking up pizzas for our church group and this little boy is running around me and the dad says, "Judah, Judah." And in like my heart just broke into a million pizzas. And I was like, oh no, if I have a baby, I'm gonna have to name him Judah. That's just a beautiful name. So I get to our life group in Pat. She's my, I call her mom a Pat, my last the mom. She's just this lady that took me under her wing. She said, "You look pregnant." And I'm like, I'm telling you, I'm not pregnant. And so I told her about the story with Judah and she said, "Judah means praise." That was Wednesday, two days later, my symptoms are pronounced, my like my boobs hurt so bad. I just can't handle it. Like I can't even wear a bra. I'm just in so, I'm so uncomfortable. I'm so exhausted. I'm late for work every day. I have all this saliva. Just, you know, I'm not feeling like I'm gonna throw up but I don't really wanna eat anything. And I'm just really zapped and I'm sick and tired of it. If I'm not pregnant, I'm sick and tired of it. So I call an OB, they can't get me in for like a month and a half to do an ultrasound. So I go to urgent care and I'm like, I just need a blood test that tells me I'm not pregnant and I need you to send me an in for an ultrasound. Well, the blood test results weren't gonna be back for like a couple of days 'cause it was a weekend. And the lab was closed. So I go to Walmart and I buy a pregnancy test. I buy a couple of them and I go to my church, fully expecting it to be negative. And I see two pink lines. For the first time in my life, 37 years of age in fertility for 14 years, and I could not believe it. Despite the symptoms, I could not believe it. I was in shock. I called my husband and I said, I'm in the ladies bathroom, you need to come right now. My husband's a preacher at this time. Like he's a minister. He has to preach to the church in like 15 minutes. So I come out with the pregnancy test. It's covered in urine. Like, I'm like screaming hysterically. People are looking at us and I'm like, what does it say? And he's like, get that thing away from me. I can't do with this right now. Like, you know, not the romantic, like, babe, guess what? We're expecting like happy tears. Like, there was something traumatic in that for me. I, it was traumatic. Like, there was nothing beautiful about that crying. It was like, something died. Like, I can't even explain that. There was like, not even joy. It was just such pain. Like, could not even believe that this was real. And so, he tells me to go back to the, in the bathroom because the church is just like freaking out. Like, why are you screaming, you know? And so he goes and finds mom at Pat and says, go in the bathroom and tell my wife to calm down. And so she comes in, I pour into the stall. And I'm like, what does this say? And she's like, it says you're pregnant. Like, so we go for a blood test. The blood test, you know, the blood test that I had done did confirm that I was pregnant. Got my HCG levels. We told everybody, like God had told me this was gonna happen. The things that I spoke to you about in 2022 were gonna come to pass in. In 2023, you know, those six women confirmed that God was gonna answer my prayer. And so for us, it felt invincible. Like, finally had my first ultrasound. I was only measuring five weeks one day. But that was March 15th or something like that. A couple of days later, I was expecting to be much further along than that. Could not find a heartbeat. Like according to the measurements, it's too early to find a heartbeat anyway, but it couldn't find a heartbeat. And she said, well, you're probably just not far enough along yet if this is a viable pregnancy. And she kept saying, if, if this is a viable pregnancy, if this is a viable pregnancy. And I'm just thinking, man, like, you don't know my story. You don't know how long I've waited to get to this point. She kind of just kept saying, well, if this is a viable pregnancy, we'll see more growth. If this is a viable pregnancy, this and that. She never wants. And I, so the, the weird thing is I had started bleeding. I had, was getting some brown bleeding, brown spotty. But that with the ultrasound, I'm expecting to be much further along. You know, I had had symptoms for at least four weeks before that, like over a month, you know, before that. So, you know, you don't really get pregnant, you know, that you're not really pregnant until two weeks after, you know, conception happens and then you're four weeks. So like, how far along are we really like at least eight weeks, I'm assuming, but potentially further along. And, and here we're seeing it's five weeks and I'm spotting. And so I just really refuse to believe that this was going to happen. And I would go to prayer, I'd go to my prayer room and I'm like, God, you know, you spoke this to me. I'm, I'm standing on your promise. Like, I can't deny the things that you've done, the things that you've said, you spoke this to me. And so I just kept praying and kept praying, kept praying. So the, the, the spotting eventually turned to bright red blood. And then it started picking up over the course of about two weeks. And so I called my OB again and she did some blood work. I did another ultrasound, there wasn't really anything to see. My, my HCG levels had dropped. My HCG levels had dropped and I asked her, like, is there any way that they can drop and go back up? And she was like, nope, that never happens. So then I got on the web and I asked Dr. Google and of course there's pregnancy forearms of women who have had like a missed twin. And so I'm just believing that this is going to work. Like, God, you made me a promise. You're going to make good on that promise. You know, you, you spoke this to me. Like you did this, like, you know, I asked for this and you came through, I did miscarry. I ended up miscarrying. That put me in a deep state of grief. Like, there are no words to say. People would call me and I'm just like, I just want to scream. Like, I can't talk to you. Like, just listen, just be present with me. I have no words to say. One night I was sitting in my room and my friend called or texted me and said, you know, I just feel like someone's feeling deep emotional pain. And I was like, oh yeah, that's exactly how I feel. Deep emotional pain. At one point in my journey, you know, I'm sitting in my prayer room in my basement. I have this little basement corner that I had, that I just had like a mat in my Bible and I would go down there and pray because it was quiet. And I'm just sitting there and I'm thinking, God, like, I could get up right now and I could walk away. And I could choose to believe that you failed me. But your word says that you're faithful. And then the words of Job came to my mind and, you know, Job said, though he slayed me yet, well, I trust in him. And I remembered this old Jewish fable that someone had told me about the prophet Elijah. And the prophet Elijah, I mean, this is a fable. It's not really biblical, but there was a servant that wanted to follow the prophet Elijah. And he kept saying no because the ways of a prophet or a heart servant eventually talked and been to doing this and go to this house where there's, or the city where there's a bunch of rich men and they're building the city. And they asked for lodging and a place to stay and the city, the people of the city turned them away and say, no, you're not welcome here. So then in this story, again, this is not biblical. This is just a story, but in the story, the prophet goes and flaps his mantle and then the city's built up and everybody's happy and jumping around in the city, the work they were doing is done. So they go to the next city and there's this old woman with this son that, that's frail. And this old cow that's frail and the life of a prophet is hard and the ways of his God are different, difficult to understand, what we didn't see was the city that the people of the city were mining to build that city. There was a huge vein of gold in the area and had they dug deep and found that, it would have been even more rich and even more nasty and horrible people. But because the city was built in an instant, a miracle happened that city was built, now they're never gonna reach that gold 'cause the city's on top of it. And then he said, well, what about the lady? Like, what happened with the cow? Now that cow, that lady and her son's gonna die. And he said, what you didn't see was the death angel came and wrestled me all night. He wanted to take the life of the son and I convinced him to take the life of the cow still instead. And so that really resonated with me. Like, all I see is my 14 year at that time, it's 15 now, 14 year struggle with infertility. And now I have finally seen two peak lines. You know, I finally see a 37 at the time and I finally see it, I'm pregnant, I've already planned my baby shower, I planned my, I have everything on my list. I'm ready to send it out. Everybody that wants to hear a nose and now I'm miscarrying. And she goes into detail about the shulmite woman. And the woman was barren and the prophet wanted to do something good for her. And so the prophet tells the servant, like God's gonna give this lady a baby. And so he makes the lady a promise. And God fulfills that promise and she has a baby, but her son dies in her arms, her child dies. So she lays the child on the bed of the promise maker. And that's the way that she said it. She laid the child on the bed of the promise maker. And she went and told the prophet, like I didn't ask for this. You told me you were gonna do it. And in retrospect, like I did ask for it, but God still spoke to me. So she said there's no such thing as a dead promise when God is the one that speaks it. And so about a week after that, I was really feeling drawn, like, okay, God, I need to feel your presence. I need to get in the word. I need some answers. I need some encouragement. I need some comfort. Like I need you to be my comforter right now. It found that Bible study, the notes from those women, from the time that I got in the church and started reading the Bible until 2022 when those promises were spoken. Like I found all of the notes. And I was like, wow, like, I could read a book or I could write a book about this. And so what I didn't realize through that process was writing this book I had to force, like this book forced me to study those same things that I had studied years ago. It forced me to come to terms that God is still faithful even in this. And it taught me that I really could praise him even though I was having pain and I didn't understand. We, you know, obviously we don't know what my baby was. We didn't do any genetic testing. I didn't even realize that I had a miscarriage and had passed my baby. You know, I didn't realize that at the time what that was. So there wasn't anything that I could do to test for any kind of like disorders or gender or anything like, but I had a dream after my miscarriage, I started dreaming of a little girl. And I don't know what that means. I don't know that, you know, if we are going to have a little girl, whatever, but it just felt fitting that that was a boy. My husband and I really both really deeply feel it was a boy. So then we named him Jonathan Judah or yeah, Jonathan Judah. Jonathan was a name I has been wanting to consider cause it means gift of God and Judah means pray. So we have a little memorial box with, you know, rappers from peppermint patties and like my pregnancy test and my ultrasound and all of that that we have for him. But through that time, you know, right before the start of 2023, I was feeling really heavy in my spirit to study the word abide. And I didn't do it, I was busy. I had a really overbearing job and I just didn't really take the time to study. But after my miscarriage, when I was writing the book, I, and there's a whole chapter about abide and that book, I believe there's a chapter, my book has been edited so many times that I mentioned, I do mention it in my book, but I studied the word abide and it just literally means lingering in the presence of God, like dwelling in a place of refuge and safety. And, you know, I learned that we don't have to understand. God doesn't want us to understand. God wants us to lean on his understanding. And it's okay that I don't understand. I still don't understand. But there's something beautiful that happened in that process. This book was birthed out of that process. It was incredible healing journey for me. It reminded me of the promises and the things that God had done in my life. And it forced me to really, to really question like, what do I really believe about that promise? And it's God really faithful. And the people that I've read my book so far, even ladies who are not on an infertility journey, have said, like, you know, your book touched me in a way I wasn't expecting. And so if that's all that happens out of this journey, if God never, if this was it and this was the promise and that was it, I'm okay with that. I have a peace with that. I don't believe it because God has spoken things after that. And I really believe that God is gonna make do on his promise. I believe that we are gonna have a child. And, you know, and I have a peace about my journey now. I'm not focused on it. I'm able to kind of relax and allow God to take the lead. But with that being said, if all that happens is this book and if one person can find encouragement, it was worth it. - It is traumatic to have a miscarriage. And then something so good came out of it, which is beautiful. And I love how you talked about how there are just some things that we're just not meant to understand. - God understands, but we're not meant to understand a couple of weeks ago in my young adult group at church. We kind of talked about that. We kind of talked about how our society is so focused on the newest advanced technology. We have to find this. We have to discover that. We have to know more. It's all about like more, more, more, more and create, create, create and create. And in a lot of ways, that's great. Sure. We also live in a world where we think that we just have to know everything. We don't and we just can't possibly know everything. God does. And our minds just aren't capable of understanding some things. But when we go to heaven someday, you know, it's talked about how we're not gonna have transgressions anymore. We're not gonna have mental illness. We're not gonna have physical illness. We're not gonna have any of that. It's almost as if you're perfected or you're healed in a way that you couldn't be on earth and maybe we'll understand then. - Yeah. - So I just love that 'cause it kind of reminded me that we sometimes have terrible things that happen to us. Or we see other people go through terrible things and we may wonder, well, why me or why them? Or why would God allow that if he's a good God? It's just because we're simply not able to understand but he does and he has a plan. - Yeah, he does. You know, and I really studied about God's design for women. Like I studied a lot about infertility and in a biblical sense and in a medical sense 'cause I'm a nurse, you know, I wanna know all the details and it affects me. So, you know, I definitely learned all the details. But it's really interesting that one of the first canals that God made that gave, you know, Adam and Eve was be fruitful and multiply. You know, that was his plan. And I can't be angry at God for sin, entering the world, you know, that wasn't his plan. He, I mean, he provides us all and out of temptation. Yes, he gave free will. I don't, I can't force my husband to love me. If he loved me because I forced him to love me. Oh man, what kind of life is that? So like God's not gonna force us to love him and choose to be obedient as well. So yes, God did plant that tree, that forbidden tree that they were not supposed to touch in the garden, but he gave us the freedom of choice and the power to choose. And so sin, you know, our bodies, our ailments, our result of sin, it's a result of Adam and Eve not making the correct choice. And so I can't be angry at God. You know, God's plan was perfect. But, you know, people have asked me, I don't understand how there's so many babies in this world with women, you know, families that don't take care of them. It's not his fault and it relieves that pressure of any kind of bitterness in our heart towards him. And it helps us to find that joy. You know, we can have joy even in the pain. And we can have a blessed life, even though we're struggling. You know, Paul had his thorn in the flesh and who knows what that was, but, you know, there's something that we all struggle with. We're usually silent about it, but I'm trying to break that stigma, but we all struggle, there's things that we all struggle with. - What would be the one piece of advice that you would give to another woman out there who is currently struggling to get pregnant, trying to conceive or going through infertility? - I would say just strengthen your walk with God because you can't do this in your own strength. No one can, it's a difficult journey for all of us. And so really strengthen your walk with God, learn to lean and trust on him. The piece that I found in this journey was really surrendering everything. Surrendering every outcome, surrendering every expectation. Like we have this picture in our mind of what it's gonna be, what it's gonna look like, and it's almost never like what we expect it to be. Surrendering it doesn't mean that you're giving up. It doesn't mean that you're not still trying. It just relieves yourself of the weight to carry. - I just wanna thank you, Crystal, for coming on and being vulnerable, talking about such an important topic. Crystal, the name of your book and where people can purchase it. - Sure, so right now my book is available on paperback and Kindle on Amazon. I am trying to get it on other platforms like Barnes & Noble, Walmart, big retailers. But right now it's Amazon and it's called fruitful, standing on God's word through infertility and loss. And fruitful is in nice cursive letters. There's a picture of a little flower with the sun donning behind it. It's just really, it's a really beautiful picture. And I'm hoping also to start my own podcast. So if anybody knows-- - Yeah, yeah. - And ladies with infertility or if they have any stories that they wanna tell, then I have a social media page, a Facebook page. They can find me at my full name, Crystal Leistics. - I will definitely, I will link your book in your socials in the podcast description and on social media too. So people can have that and then they can follow you there. I know I follow you on Facebook. Again, just thank you so much for coming on. I know this helped me a lot. It was very healing. I was just blown away. So I was so excited to record this 'cause if I knew I needed to hear it, I know other people need to hear it. I mean, I think it's like what? It's either one in six or one in eight women struggle with infertility. And I feel like it's on the rise compared to even a decade ago. So it's just a topic that needs to be talked about more. People need more support. I love that we support mothers. I work in a job that I've supported mothers for the last seven years, but I think we also need to support the hopeful mothers too. Thank you and thank you, Crystal, for coming on the podcast. And as we always say, you're welcome to explore your faith here. Jesus always welcomes you home and so will I. Thanks for tuning in to the Through Every Season podcast. You can find new episodes on Spotify and Apple podcast on the second and fourth Friday each month. You can find us on Instagram and Facebook using the links in the podcast description. Do you want to come and tell your story or testimony? Fill out the jock form listed in the podcast description. We'll see you next time. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)