For You From Eve
242: The 'Let Them' Theory: How to Stop Chasing and Be Patient For What is Meant to Be Yours
(upbeat music) Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of For You from Eve. Welcome or welcome back to my show in case you're new here. My name is Olivia Eve. I started this podcast about three years ago. We talk all about self-love, faith, wellness, kind of just the journey of becoming a better version of your yesterday self. And I have been a little bit MIA. I didn't upload an episode recently and I honestly was just feeling a little bit in a funk. I wanna be super transparent with all of my listeners and super honest with you guys because whenever I'm kind of not in the right headspace or not in the right mindset and I record an episode and I edit it and I upload it, you guys are very aware that I'm not in the right headspace when I do so and I will get messages kind of just being like, live, we could tell you we're off today. We could tell that you weren't feeling in your best mood. Like take the break when you need to take it and I love my community for that reason and I love my group for that reason because I feel like it's the best part about having a platform is having a supporting community behind it. And so I wanna just show my gratitude towards everybody who does support and listen to my show. You guys mean so much to me. Definitely make sure you follow me on all my socials, TikTok, Instagram, rate this show, follow this show, share this show, all those amazing things. It helps me out, which helps the show out as well so that I can produce better content for you guys. I'm very excited for today's episode because we're gonna be talking about the let them theory and I'm in my 20s. I just turned 24 about two weeks ago and I have felt very kind of, I feel like I'm in this transitional season of my life and I think being in your 20s, that's really what it's about. I feel like you're always transitioning into a new season or a new era of your life. And so you might be entering school, you might be graduating school or entering your first corporate job starting your first own business venture, getting into your first relationship, getting engaged, losing friends, making friends, finding a new hobby, expanding your family, whatever it is, I feel like your 20s are a period of so many different life changes and then your 30s are kind of more into settling into those life changes or growing out of those life changes. And so I feel like I'm in a stage right now where there's so many things changing around me and I think also in your 20s, you realize how important who you surround yourself with is and so I think that you go through a lot of things in life and when you're at your lowest point in life, you look around as to who's around me when I'm at this little point, who's around me when I'm at this high point and you pay more attention to who has your best intentions of heart and who's really there for you and things are good and when things are bad. And in today's episode, I wanna talk about kind of the phrase of you can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you and I feel like when I first heard that quote and when I first heard or when I first read the quote that says you can't change people around you but you can change people around you, it took me a second to look back and be like, what does that mean? And then I was like, you know what? I know exactly what that means, you know? You can't, the people that are surrounding you right now, the people that you fill your days with, the people that you speak to, the people that you are with every day or that you see every week or that you go to these events with, you can't change those people. You can't change who those people are. You can't change how those people view you. You can't change those people's hearts, their minds, their intentions, you can't change them unless they want to change for you, right? Let's say you're in a relationship with somebody and there's habits that they want to work on but they love you so much that they want to change those habits, that's them on their own will changing. But if you're friends with somebody that doesn't really value you and they don't really treat you how you want to be treated and how you feel you deserve to be treated, they're not going to change their actions based off of you because they don't want to. It's very different if they want to but when they don't want to, you can't change that. What you do have the power to change is who you're surround yourself with. You have the power to walk away from the people that you can't change and you have the power to walk into something more welcoming, more loving, more supportive. And so when I read that quote, if you can't change people around you but you can change people around you, it really is an eye-opening thing of, it reminds you of how much power you have. It reminds you of how much control you have. It reminds you of the fact that you control your life. You control the people around you. You control the things that can have, you can control the things that can happen to you but you can change how you react to it. And that's why when we talk about the let them theory, it really is just letting people do what they want to do, whether it's to you, whether it's for you, whether it's about you, let them because you are allowed to change the way that you are affected by it. When you allow people to do whatever it is that they want to do, it begins to create more emotional peace within you and it ends up affecting the relationship with yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is going to affect the relationships around you. If you have a very secure, loving, confident relationship in yourself, then when people around you are talking negatively on you or talking badly about you or have a strong opinion on you, it's not going to affect you. And the reason it's not going to affect you is because you are so secure and confident in the person that you are, that when people try to tear that down, when people try to change that perspective you have on yourself, it won't matter because your mind is already made up. So people are gonna lie to you, people are gonna betray you, people are going to hurt you and you can't control that, but you can control the minds that you have about it. Rather than thinking things, why is this happening to me? Think to yourself, why is this happening for me? This person that I had in my life, right? Let's say you're like, I had this really good friend in my life and they lied to me, they betrayed me, they hurt me, they talk badly on my name. Instead of thinking to yourself, why is this happening to me? Why did I have to lose this person? How could this happen to me? Instead, switch the narrative and say, what is this doing for me? What is this teaching me? What is the goodness in this? Because I promise you that there is goodness in it. That could have been God's last resort, God's final straw to taking you away from this person, to say, I didn't want this person in your life. It's God saying, I didn't want this person in your life. I'm going to do what I have to do for you to finally realize why they shouldn't be in your life because down the line, they are going to hurt you and do more bad for you than they're going to do good. So if I have them do this, if you see them the way I see them, right? Because we always have to remind ourselves, God, here's conversations we didn't. So if we can't understand why God is constantly trying to take this person away from our life, it's time to take a step back and say, maybe I need to trust God, maybe this person isn't actually meant to be in my life and I need to just think to myself, what is this doing for me? What is the positive of this? What is the positive of me losing these people or this person in my life? Because I promise you that there is one, whether you could see it right now or you can't, there is a reason as to why that is happening for you. You have to start believing that the bad things that you go through, the things that hurt you are there to help you grow. You do not grow in your comfort zone. You do not grow when you feel the same emotion every single day of your life. You grow when you're put in situations that you don't know how to control. You grow when you're put in an environment you've never been in before. You grow when you're surrounded by people you've never met. Those are the moments you grow because you are being forced out of your comfort zone. Your comfort zone will kill you. If you try to stay with the same people, the same job, the same life, the same hobbies, the same routine, every single day for your whole entire life, you will never grow. You will never flourish. You will never become a better version of yourself. You will be stuck at the version of yourself that you are at. You will not change and life will change around you. Life will evolve around you. The world around you will change but you will not change with it. We're in our 20s, we've all been in situations where we trusted somebody and they betrayed our trust or they hurt us whether it's a boyfriend, whether it's a girlfriend, whether it's a family member, no matter what it is, we've all been in situations where someone did something we never thought that they would do. And I think that that could be a very hurtful thing when someone does something to you that you would have never done to them. And I completely understand that. I think that a lot of the time when things go wrong for us and when things happen to us, we think to ourselves, how could that person do that? Because, and it hurts us more when we would never do that. If you find out one of your friends is gossiping about you but you also gossip about that friend, you might be a little pissed off but you're gonna be like, well, I do the same thing. So like, I can't really get mad at that, right? It's like, you're gonna get mad. You're gonna be a little bit pissed off but you're also gonna be like, well, I also gossip and talk shit about this person. So why, I can't really get that mad. However, if you only talk highly of somebody and you've only ever shown somebody love and loyalty and then you find out they talk bad about you, then you're gonna be pissed off. Then you're gonna get upset. Then you're gonna think, okay, now I have more of a reason to be annoyed because it's something that you would have never done to them. Something else we're so guilty of doing as humans is we try to make shift the people in front of us sometimes. We have a boyfriend or we have a best friend and we wanna try to change them so that they're better curated for us. And I've noticed this in a lot of people and this is a lot to do also with just like dating potential, right? It's like, you start seeing somebody start going on dates with somebody and you think to yourself, well, I hate how he does this, how he does that and how he does this, I hate all of that but if he did this, this and this, he would be perfect. So let me completely romanticize him and fantasize him and fall in love with this version of him that I created in my mind that doesn't actually exist. It only creates, it's only real in your head, right? So it doesn't actually exist. This person that you've created in your mind is not real. And so we try to make shift people and we try to change people and we try to kinda like, it's like build a bear workshop. Like we try to build a man, right? It's like we meet somebody, we're attracted to them. So we're like, okay, let me try to change all these features, all these features that I don't like about them so that they actually are worthy of being my boyfriend. And then when that person doesn't live up to those expectations, we get disappointed and we get upset and we get hurt and heartbroken but it's like that person never promised you the things you wanted them to promise you. You have to stop trying to change the people in front of you and you simply just have to let them do what they want. And that's what I mean when I say the let them theory. Let them treat you how they wanna treat you. Let them show you who they are. And I'm telling you right now when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time. I'm a big believer in second chances. It's very unfortunate sometimes because it puts me in worse situations. However, I'm a big believer in second chances and in forgiveness this way. This is how I've kind of shifted my mindset. If somebody does me wrong or if somebody hurts me, I don't hold grudges. I'm not petty, I'm not stubborn. I don't hold grudges on people. I might hold a grudge in the sense of, let's say I ask somebody, hey, let's go to the mall and they say no thanks, I hate them all. And then they post that they're at the mall that day, just like silly example. They post they're at the mall that day. I'm like, okay, well that person just lied to me and made it very obvious they don't wanna see me. I'll probably never ask them to go to the mall again, but that doesn't mean I won't ask them to go get lunch. That doesn't mean I won't ask them to go do this or go do that. So I don't necessarily hold a grudge with the person and with my relationship with the person, but I might hold a grudge and let me not ask them to go to the mall again because of what they did the first time, you know? So that's kind of how I hold grudges, I guess. I wouldn't even call that a grudge. I just think it's like, okay, clearly they didn't show up for me in this way, so I'm not gonna ask them to show up for me that way again. But the way that I've kind of shifted my perspective, right, is I don't like to hold a grudge, but just for my own peace of mind, I forgive people and I like to be on good terms with people because I don't ever wanna be in situations where I have to avoid somebody in the room, right? I don't ever wanna be in a situation where I walk into a room and I have to avoid someone or I have to ignore somebody or I have to give looks to somebody, I never wanna be in that situation. Someone does me wrong or when someone hurts me, I don't necessarily like to confront the situation anymore 'cause I just think it's a waste of energy. I feel like I'm at a point where I let people come to me. Like I said, let them let them let them if they wanna come to me, if they wanna hurt me, if they wanna confront me, let them and I'll just be there to receive it and I can decide how much energy it takes up for me. I can decide how much power it has over me. I can decide how much I care, but I've tried, I've stopped trying to change people's perspective on me. I'm at a point in my life where I forgive and I move on for my own sanity, for my own peace of mind, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you step all over me. That doesn't mean you're going to affect my emotions or affect my mood or affect my perspective on anything. You will not affect me whatsoever. And I'm telling you that right now, I might forgive you and I might still talk to you when I see you and I might still hang out with you when you're around. That does not mean I trust you. That does not mean that I support you and everything that you do, I might wish the best for you, but that doesn't mean I need to be around when it happens and I've done that kind of for my own peace of mind as well and kind of just for myself. It's like, I don't need to be best friends with people. I don't need to be around people who don't want to be around me and I definitely don't need to be around people who do not view me and the way I want to be viewed. I don't like, if somebody has a perception of me that I know isn't true. For example, if somebody says live is not caring at all, she has no heart and me myself knows that I'm very caring and knows that I have a big heart. I'm not going to allow that person into my life because if they don't know me, they shouldn't have the power to know me if that's the way that they view me. If that makes sense, I feel like it's kind of making sense. It's kind of not really sure how I'm trying to explain it is when I just let people think what they want to think, they can think whatever they think of me, but if they don't view me in a positive light and they don't view me for who I am, why would I want to be friends with that person? If that person thinks I ever had malicious intent with them, why would I want to be surrounded by them? Why would I want them in my circle? Because over time, that might start to affect the perception you have of yourself. If somebody is constantly saying negative things about you and constantly feeding negative energy towards you, it might start to affect you. It might start to make you feel like, okay, I'm maybe I am a selfish person, maybe I am this, and then you start to have negative things about yourself because that's who you're surrounding yourself with. So you can let people do whatever they want to do, but that doesn't mean that they have to be in your circle. Being nice does not mean including people in everything and letting people into everything. Being nice just means being forgiving and being civil and wishing the best for somebody, but not needing them around all the time. It is not your responsibility to change the way people feel about you. It is not your responsibility to make sure everybody around you is happy. You have to focus on yourself. You have to stop trying to change the people around you and change how the people around you treat you. If you are being treated with disrespect, leave the situation, leave the person that's disrespecting you. You can confront it, you can deal with it, you can forgive them and you can walk away. If you are being spoken about in a negative way by somebody, leave them out of your life. Why do you want those people in your life? And sometimes I have to listen to my own advice, right? You can't change people around you, but you can change people around you. So if the people around you are not the people you want to be around, change the scene, change the environment that you're in. It's like, we have such a, I guess, attachment to people that we have great memories with, that we've built a strong connection with, et cetera. And it's like, back I look at myself and I'm like, sometimes I'm like, why do I have such a strong attachment to this person? Why do I want this person back in my life? It's like, you'll miss this person, but then you'll think of something that they did to you and you're like, why, why, why, why, why, why do I want this person back in my life? So the let them theory isn't necessarily put yourself in situations where people can do whatever they want to you, right? Don't flirt with sin. I always say don't flirt with temptation. Don't flirt with sin. Take yourself out of those situations. You don't have to be in those situations. However, I also just think that when it comes to becoming the best version of yourself and growing the relationship with yourself, you have to focus on who's around you when you're doing that. You have to focus on who are you surrounded by when those situations arise? Who is supporting you when you're down? Who is there for you and everybody else's against you? Those are the people you have to pay attention to. And I think that it's very hard because letting people do what they want, letting people go and removing people from your life, it's a very difficult thing. You're grieving people. You're grieving friendships. You're grieving relationships. You're grieving the relationship, who you were with this person. You're grieving a part of yourself when you lose a friend and when you lose a boyfriend, you are grieving that version of you, the person that you were with them. It's really a strong loss. I wanna read this little chapter. I have this book called The Pivot Year by Brianna Wies. It's 365 days to become the person you truly wanna be. And day 102, I wanna read because I relate it to everything I'm talking about right now and just letting people go and going through change and grieving that loss. So you are meant to change. You are meant to change your mind. You are meant to change your perception. You are meant to change what you think you want within this world. You are meant to evolve and you are meant to adapt. You are meant to grow. You are meant to shuttle layers. You are meant to let go. The body is designed to digest and metabolize and renew itself, sell by sell and thought by thought. Trust the process. Realize that we don't ever really have to let go. We just have to accept what's already gone. We don't have to grieve what we think the world took, but to remember that whatever beauty we grew within our lives is still within us. And wherever we go and whatever we do next, we will grow it there too. Everything that's truly meant for you will be waiting for you on the other side because everything that's truly meant for you is still within you. It always has been. And I feel like it's such a good reminder of just, it's such a good reminder of just realizing what's meant for you is already yours. It might not be for you. Yeah, God might be saying, not yet. Wait, it's already yours, but just wait. You might, this person and you have the other names written next to each other, but wait. You have more growing to do. You have more self love to do. You have more on your journey. Wait for the things that are meant for you. And when you remind yourself that the things that are meant for you are already yours and they are coming in time, you will let people out of your life. You will be okay with losing friends. You will be okay with losing relationships or potential partners because you know that what's meant for you is just on the other end. It's on the other end of this grief, of this heartbreak, of this loss. It's still there. You just have to wait a little bit longer to get it. But once you remind yourself that it's there and that it exists and that it's yours and that it will fully be yours one day, it will be so much easier for you to follow the Let Them Theory. It will be so much easier for you to handle pain and betrayal and hurt and heartbreak because you know that there is something on the other side even if it takes a little bit longer for you to receive it. That is how I'm going to end today's episode. I want all of you to know that we all go through these things including me, we lose friends, we lose potential partners, we go through heartbreak, we go through hurt and we always come out of it. I am the happiest person I've ever been in my life right now because of who I've healed myself into becoming through Jesus and just through my own love and through my own life and the love that I had for myself was so strong that I wanted to heal the brokenness inside of me. And I think that self-love journey and the self-growth journey never ends. It's an ongoing journey just for your whole entire life because there's always room to grow. You clicked onto this episode. I'm so proud of you that you want to start the self-love journey of yours. I hope you all enjoyed this episode. Make sure you all follow my socials link down below. Everything is at for you from Eve. I've been super active on my Instagram and on my TikTok. So definitely make sure you guys follow that. I want to thank all of you for your love and support. You mean the absolute world to me and I will talk to you guys next week. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)