(upbeat music) This podcast is brought to you by Free Buddhist Audio, the Dharma for Your Life. Our work is funded entirely by donations from our generous listeners. If you would like to help us keep this free, make a contribution at freebuddhistaudio.com/donate. Thank you, and happy listening. - Good morning, everyone, and I'm Kamala Citi, and I have to say, I'm very happy this morning to introduce my good friend, very good friend, Vajrasara, who I think, I'm not surprised, has been asked to talk to her this morning about empathy and crying in. And I have to say, when I was asked to do it, I thought the first thing that caves mind was, I'm one of Vajrasara's good friends, but Vajrasara's got many, many friends, so I think she's very well-placed to talk about empathy. And those of us who are good friends, Vajrasara's very, she's very active in her empathy, so it's not a kind of, not necessarily a passive empathy, it's very kind of a dynamic, energetic, it's a kind of doing empathy. So Vajrasara is a sort of friend that rings you up several times a year, and she's been thinking about you, and she's considered some plan that you might like to. Have you got some plan or some idea that she thinks you might be interested in, you know, do I want to work, or do I want to live with her? Do I want to go on this retreat or that retreat, or this holiday or that? So she's very, and that's not just me, she's got lots and lots of people that she does this with, and lots of, perhaps not so much good friends, but a whole lot of a kind of mandala of people that she takes into account. So I was thinking in her kind of empathy, it's very active caring, you know, she's really got people in mind, so yeah. And Vajrasara is also spending time with Vajrasara is always very rich and abundant. So it's always fun, it's always lots of love, and it's always interesting and meaningful. So I think we're in for a good morning, so Vajrasara. Thanks a lot, no pressure then. Good morning. So my talk is called The Power of Empathy, or Exploring Empathy, The Art of Listening, and The Mysterious White Lady Kwan Yin, The Goddess of Compassion. So nice, short, punchy title. So I was thinking that empathy implies an understanding of what matters deeply in life. You could say it's the heart's expression of selflessness, to reach out with interest and openness to other people beyond ourselves. So it might feel counterintuitive to move towards someone or something that is, or perhaps that we're fearful of, or scared of, or that we reactively dislike. But actually, it's going with the grain. It's going with the grain of our minds, as opposed to it, because love actually is the natural human state. Underneath our habits of grasping and rejecting, our greed, hatred and delusion, actually empathy is the natural human state. Love is the natural human state. Because it implies an understanding of connection, a recognition of our interconnectedness. So the nature of mind, of consciousness, is that it's always moving. Sure, you've noticed that. So staying still isn't an option, is it? What do we want to move towards? Connection or disconnection, love or hatred, whatever else, openness or contraction? What's our choice, what do we want to move towards? And as we know, the world is a very capricious, uncertain place. And our internal world is equally changeable and uncertain, unstable, at least often. So through empathy, and, yeah. Oh, is it? That's what it is. OK, it's just a little technical pitch. Yeah? So, yeah, through empathy and love and kindness, we can become really stable and strong. That certain sense of robustness and solidity that we long for, at least I long for, in this changeable world, in a way willing to experience anything with the confidence that it won't rock us or won't rock us too much anyway. So empathy is the imaginative identification with others. And it isn't just a feeling. So there is warm feeling, warm emotion with it. But it also includes intention. It includes our will. And it includes imagination. Imagination, I think, is a key one, which I haven't at first realized. And crucial to this whole attitude of empathy is this sense of connectedness, that we're all much more connected than we first realized. So even if we feel cut off or isolated, that base we're all relational beings. And we really affect each other. I'm sure you've all noticed that too. So empathy involves becoming aware of what others are truly experiencing. And embarrassing to admit that I used to think I was quite aware of what others were experiencing until I became aware of what an art empathy really is. A lot more subtle, a lot more to it than I first knew. So empathy is central to my work as a non-violent communication trainer. And I sometimes talk about empathy as going to the other person's mountain, going to their ground, leaving my own world and my own mountain of self preoccupation, all my own biases and concerns, prejudices, opinions, life. And going and inhabiting their world, seeing what it's like from their point of view. In a way being alongside them in their highs and lows. And I've seen again and again on NBC trainings how empathy is irresistible. It's just delicious and transformative. It's what enables us to approach a furious person and feel OK. Well, maybe a little daunted. But still manage. Because we can be having our imagination over there in their world, trying to inhabit their point of view. It's what enables me to walk into quite hot, intense mediation sessions in my work. And maybe a little quiet on, maybe a few butterflies. But actually to do that, to walk into the fire. And three things, I think, enable this. So there's being present, not easy in itself necessarily, using our imagination, as I've mentioned already, and listening openly without judgment. And curiously, I've learned that so long as there's empathy in the room, it doesn't really matter where it's come from. It doesn't matter whether it's mine, or his, or hers, or whoever's. In a way, that's not the point. So long as someone in there is inhabiting that loving consciousness will be all right. It'll all kind of do its work. They take time. And I think this imaginative identification is intrinsically kind. It takes us out, as I said, of self preoccupation. And another thing is that empathy creates the climate among you or between you, whereby more of our experience becomes available to us. We become more aware. More comes to light. So if someone is really listening to you, and pathetically, you become more aware of more aspects of yourself. Kind of bigger, more conscious. So the Buddha observed that our minds habitually see separation and otherness. And yet empathy can bridge that divide. We don't need to know, really, the details. We don't need to understand the other person. We don't need to like them. We don't need to share any of the history, or particularly understand the context. We just need to be mindful of the other and imagine intensely. So you have to put a bit of energy into it. Even Billy Connolly has an angle on empathy. He says, don't judge another person until he walked at least a mile in their shoes. And then after that, who cares, you're a mile away, and you've got their shoes. Recently, I was sharing a difficulty about women's hormones with a male friend of mine. And perhaps it was a foolish mistake in the first place. And he said, well, I can't emphasize with that, can I? And of course, as a man, he couldn't understand the particulars. But I rebuked him, of course, because he could relate to feeling stressed, feeling unconfident, wanting some sense of peace and stability. Of course, he could. We can understand and empathize with anything in human experience if we make the effort. So I heard a touching story of this imaginative leap. There was a tribe in South Kenya, which lives remote from Western technology. And they learned about the September 11 terrorist attacks many months later, maybe seven or eight months later after they happened. And the tribal elders apparently called a meeting together to discuss what to do about it, discuss the tragedy. And they decided that they would send their prized possessions. So they decided to send 16 cows to the people of New York. And so I see this as a triumph of imagination. We don't know what they imagined, actually, how it would be received, how useful it would be, or whatever. We don't know what they envisaged, but it seems to me a great response of human solidarity, literally magnanimous, which means a gesture of great soul. I found it very moving, little story. So in empathy, there's also respect. We see another person, and in seeing them, we actually give life. Our attention brings energy. I feel respected if I'm seeing for who I am. So our word "respect" comes from the Latin, "respicare", or however you pronounce it, and which means to regard or consider. And to me, that's an aspect of empathy. Careful, penetrating attention in looking or in listening. Changes, not only the receiver, but the giver. It's mutual. So what we perceive, or what we presume to see, which can vary, that creates who we are, that colors what we see. It colors our life. So if our view of other people is superficial, or stale, or boring, or whatever, well, we'll end up feeling that way. Whereas if we see people as intrinsically interesting and worthy of our notice, worthy of our respect, well, our world becomes much more open and enriched, doesn't it? The capacity for empathy seems to be innate in human beings. But I believe it's also evident in other species. I heard, for example, of a case of an adult elephant who tried to rescue a baby rhino that was stuck in the mud, despite being charged repeatedly by the mother rhino. So it seems like there's just this kind of response to protect, to save, despite the odds, you know? According to Tibetan Buddhist scriptures, during the era of the Buddha Kashepa, which was eons and eons ago, in the mind of a being in a hell realm, there arose a spark of empathy. And this hell being, he saw another person struggling with this huge load that he was trying to pull with some ropes. And this first guy, well, he had this response of empathy and went to hell. He took the ropes and started to pull it. And one of the guardians of hell, apparently, refused to death and beat him to death, for presuming, I suppose. And, well, in that moment, well, he died in a compassionate state, I suppose. And in that moment, he was reborn in a fortunate situation. Because from that time forward, according to the scriptures, his compassionate intention took root. And eventually, he became a Bodhisattva. And subsequently, the Buddha, the Buddha, Shaqimuni. So listening, moving on to listening. Listening is intrinsic to empathy. To listen requires us just to move beyond ourselves, just to move beyond where we currently are. There's a sensitivity and a liveness in it. And after all, if you don't take in the words or the music, well, it's gone forever, hasn't it? You can't really read it like a book unless it's taped. And listening to other people is intrinsically kind. If we listen fully, we're already moving away from ego-centricity, seems to me. So the early disciples of the Buddha were called Shravakas, which translates as hearers, hearers of the Buddha. And that word, hearers, never really grabbed me. Do I want to be a hearer? Doesn't sound too exciting. But listening seems to me more active, more receptive, more engaged in a way. It calls for more of us. It suggests really attending. Listening's been a conscious practice for me for the last seven or eight years. Listening to myself more in meditation, listening to other people, listening to my body. In non-violent communication, we talk about listening afresh, or trying to listen with fresh ears, or new ears. Everybody longs to be heard. And this comes up astonishingly often in workshops, if I run. Sometimes it's the key thing. People are asked one thing they'd like to change. They say, I'd really love to be heard by my family, my partner, my friends, whoever it is. Indeed, in NBC circles, there's a saying that goes, what people really need is a good listening to. So I can only listen if I silence the inner voices that distract me from another person. In the power of kindness, Pierre of Férucci described how reciprocal it is. Listening, he said, is a magnificent art. It regenerates and stimulates the speaker. And it brings mutual peace, because as the listener, you need to empty yourself of yourself. And so while you're listening, you're actually free. And of course, there's not just outer listening. There's inner listening, isn't there? Listening to our intuitions, our intentions, our imagination, and so on. In meditation, I sometimes think of it as listening to the silence, listening with every cell of my being. But it's a challenge in our high-speed lives to take the time, to pause long enough to listen. So different from that sort of glancing, one touch, just catch the headlines. Think we know it already, approach, that so many of us fall into. And it's vital as well to listen to the underlying motivations of other people, not just their words, perhaps listen to what's not said or what's revealed non-verbally. So in daily life, to be in perfect, we need to give time. And in our accelerated lifestyles, finding time can be hard, it can be a stretch, can't it? And yet, the more we hurry, usually, the more we're less willing to help. I remember working in a Buddhist restaurant some time ago when we were really up against deadlines, and I remember saying to one of my teammates, "I haven't got time to smile at the customers." I mean, this is ridiculous, it didn't take any more time, but I just had that feeling that I was so under pressure, I haven't got time to move my faith. Apparently, hurrying in impatience was supposedly fueled by a fear of death, kind of on a lower level. But when we free ourselves from that need to achieve, compete, or be too goal-orientated, task-orientated, actually, something softer emerges, certainly does in me. People no longer seem like obstacles to our hurry. The philosopher Martin Buber famously argued that mankind needs to go beyond this "I it" way of relating. Probably some of you have read what he says, and that we find meaning only in "I that" relationship, something much more equal. So it's a pure relating of person to person, not with any expectations, or hopes, or assumptions about the other. I think Shishan Gerechters says something similar about relating to people cleanly, without thinking about the use or the pleasure that they can bring us. And yet it's quite hard. So often we do want things for people, don't we? I also read that the cerebral activities of empathy occur in the same place as that of forgiving, the same area of the brain, so there's a neurological link. Indeed, in NBC, we say that where there's genuine empathy, for giving is unnecessary, it's already happened. So long as we're flexible enough to let go of past hurts, because we can be quite attached to being "I'm the one" to who is done to in some way. So if we can let go of that, anything can open up. Are we more concerned to understand or to judge? So empathy is a real root to understanding, and understanding is so much, just a little deep. There's an ancient Chinese proverb that goes, "Understand the opponent, and you can overcome them. Understand yourself, and there is no opponent." I saw the film Invictus lately, which probably some of you will have seen, which is about Nelson Mandela and the South African rugby team. Well, actually, it's really about racial reconciliation after apartheid. And Morgan Freeman, who is playing Nelson Mandela, now in power, says, "Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That's why it's such a powerful weapon." And Mandela urges his black companions, or his colleagues, not to retaliate for all the years of oppression. He says, "We've got to surprise the white Afrikaners with our compassion and generosity." I love that. We've got to surprise them with our compassion. It's great, isn't it? So he was really asking them to think big, or be big. So when it comes to being open and in-pathic with others, what is it that really helps in practice and what hinders? Are we aware of that? So I thought we could pause right now. Well, I could pause. I'll see you to do some work. And think, is there someone in your life who you think isn't listening to you or doesn't hear or understand you? Do you think, you know, why do you think that is? And give them the benefit of the doubt, just for the next minute. Have a think. Is there someone who you think isn't listening to you? Or why do you think that is? Pinpointed six key reasons why we often don't listen or feel open or able to hear other people or why they don't hear us. So first of all, and, you know, be interested to know if any of you have come up with the same sorts of reasons or guesses, first of all, we're uncomfortable, upset, annoyed or preoccupied because our own concerns or needs aren't met. We're kind of lost in our own world. Perhaps even overwhelmed by our own life. So it's very, very hard to hear the other person. So that's one thing. Secondly, we could be in this what I call the either/or mindset. So we're in the grip of a deep-seated view that is either me or you. And if it's going to be you, it'll probably be at my expense. Well, if that's the case, that's the case, why would you listen? So basically, when you're in that either/or mindset, you're very reluctant to listen because it feels like it comes at a price. And also, this can feel very oppositional to the other person, because it's very hard for them to understand what's going on in you. So thirdly, we're over responsible. We think that by listening to your concern and your pains and your preoccupations, I'm going to have to fix it. I don't want to do that. I've got enough to do. So yeah, for another reason, I just don't want to hear too much. Fourthly, we lose perspective. We lose the overview. We judge certain people or certain values. It's just not that important. Just need to focus on the big picture, the task or whatever it is. So why do we need to connect? We just need to get on with the job. Yeah, that's quite a common one. We can also bring this harsh attitude towards ourselves as well as towards other people. So fifthly, we believe that our judgments, our opinion, our point of view, are criticisms that they're deserved. They deserve to hear it. They behave badly, or whatever it was. So we're annoyed and basically believe the other person deserves to hear it. So we might generalise from a particular incident to make the person wrong in general. Not just, you don't like that behaviour on that last birthday, but just generally they're a wrong, bad, selfish person. So in this, we're losing sight of our own values for consideration, respect, whatever it is. And lastly, although there may be others, but in this list of six that I've thought of, we perceive listening to another person's needs or concerns as a threat. So we cut off from that person. We withdraw, probably, to protect ourselves. And there's little awareness of the impact that we're having on them. And interestingly, all of these things can happen under a kind of polite veneer of chit chat and everything. They're kind of more the underlying elements I'm talking about. And all of these things, obviously, prevent us from opening up from really connecting with other people. So as deluded human beings, of course, without disconnecting habits and emotions and everything, of course, we're in a struggle. But I really like the Tibetan Buddhist approach that Pema Chodron brings, which is very much about, hey, lighten up the big deal, so you can be mean and irritable and proud and all sorts of things, competitive. Welcome to the human race. I love it. And also, you're not alone. Again, empathy helps here. You're not alone. Humour and not taking myself so seriously has really punctured some low moments for me. So how do we develop empathy? How do we sort of move ourselves forward to really feeling with other people? Obviously, I'm sure we all manage it on a good day. And there'll be times when you just kind of can't get there, or with some people, it feels like a great gulf, doesn't it? So one traditional word for compassion is anoucampa, which translates as shaking or trembling with other people. And this suggests a very direct, unmediated experience, a resonance, you could say, or what I often think of as a long side-ness with other people. I quite like that. I'm just like being alongside them. And you can do that with people you don't even really know or like, but you can just be willing to be alongside them. And this whole sort of idea of shaking or trembling with, I can't really quite connect to. I'm frequently, sometimes rather embarrassingly, choked up by sad or noble stories I hear, that people share or whatever. And it happened the other day in the post office, now because everyone's got tears welling out for someone in front of me who's telling the story. And it's just that resonance with other human beings, really. It also helps to remember that the nature of empathy or loving-kindness is unconditional. We all have it, buried underneath or other have it, no external condition can prevent it. It's there, if we're in touch with it, and nobody can stop it. So the awakening of love isn't bound up with things being a certain way, or even how people receive it. You can be very loving and empathic to them, and it doesn't matter how it lands in a sense. We certainly know that from stories of amazing stories you hear of Tibetan monks being tortured or Burmese monks being tortured who still keep their hearts open. So it's not about how it's received, necessarily. Obviously we'd like it to be received graciously or whatever. But that's not the nature of it. So another way in is through the imaginal, through symbols and archetypes. And I like, like many people here I think, like to reflect on Bodhisattva figures. In particular there's one I'd like to introduce to you today called Kwan Yin. And I've got a picture of her here. She's tremendously popular in China and Japan and far East generally. And so there are lots of statues and pictures of her around. Plenty of people will have seen them. Yes, I say she's very popular. She represents compassionate energy informed by transcendental wisdom. Bit of a mouthful to say. Quite a big prospect. So she's both, at once she's serene and ready to act. She eases distress, she melts hardened hearts, and she brings balm to the fearful. Typically she sits in royal ease posture with one leg drawn up and one hanging down, usually with a hand down. Very mellow, real sense of openness, ease, balance and so on. And frequently the full moon precedes her appearance. Her robes are white and cascading over her body. Maybe she's quite often she's as well as in that royal ease posture that she's there. Quite often she's standing up. She might be surfing on the waves in the ocean. Yes, the sea is integral to her myth, if you like. Sometimes she's riding a sea serpent. So she's poised, but she's not precious. She's definitely engaged. She's said to perform numerous miracles on the sea, saving people from drowning or distress in the ocean. So a lot of fishermen around the Southeast Asia perform all sorts of rituals to her in the hope of a big catch and so on. One of her key qualities is accessibility. If you call on her sincerely, she'll come. Quite a thought. If you call on her sincerely, she'll come. And her appearance in people's lives is often very immediately evoking faith. So she appears in many forms, but usually as I said serene and gentle. Carrying a variety of emblems, a wish for filling gem, a rosary, a vase very often. She has a vase there. Two of the statues I have at home have a holding of vase, this vase of healing nectar. A lotus flower sometimes, a sprig of willow, various things. And there's also one that holds a magical fruit of abundance, because she's very much about abundance. So Buddhists around the world revere her as a realised being, the female version of Avila Catetra. And she's alive to the interconnected nature of all life. So her name means she who hears the cries of the world. She's also got her own Buddha field, her own pure land, which is called the potala. So it seems her benign, meltingly kind form that I first got to know her. And I was really attracted to her as having a heart that says, "Why does the ocean?" And unlike many Bodhisattvas, she's not a sort of perfect 16-year-old. She's a bit more weathered. She's a mature lady, queenly, with experience and authority. So sometimes just looking at her in this royal ease form, especially if I'm speedy or anxious, just really kind of speaks directly to lighten up. And her capacity to listen is really affecting me. I really aspire to be a more responsive listener. So when she listens to the cries of the world, she does so on every level. She does so on the practical level. She's empathic, she's quick to respond. She listens to the cries of the heart, as I said, brings solace and healing. And she helps us keep perspectives. So she's very much about the big picture. She gives the Dharma. She pours the compassion on unenlightened beings. Pouring it out, the elixir of truth from her vows, like moonlight, with sewing blessings. There's something very, very beautiful about her that, if we allow ourselves to enter the myth, if you like. And I was looking at, I've got a little statue of her on my shrine at home. And I was kind of looking at it the other morning, and she's holding the vows up like this, just pouring out this nectar indiscriminately. And it's not like most of us wear along. Give that to you, because I'm from the view lot. I'm not so sure about you lot. Just, you know, with her it's universal. It's equal. So it's none of this picking and choosing that we're so prone to most of us. And I really saw that, that particular morning. Can I hit me? I've also just recently been loaned another coinion statue. I've got about five at home. And this is on loan anyway. But it's in my bedroom. And it's a pale green pistachio colour. And I wasn't quite taken with it when this friend lent it. But what she didn't tell me, and I put it near my bed, is that it glows in the dark. And I sort of sat up. I just turned my light off that night. And I said, "What on earth is that? Is this sort of pillar of pale green light?" Anyway, I was really enjoying her the last ten days, this thing. It was a bit sturdy actually, because I hadn't been warned. But yeah, she's her presence is there in my bedroom at the moment. So just when we think we've got this handle on this mysterious being, she comes in various guises. So as I said, the compassionate, gentle one is the most common. But like all of these buddha figures, she can't be pinned down. She can't be fully known by most of us. So she's got various aspects that I think link to the four magical rites. They're known in pagan rituals and tantric circles, these four magical rites. So that's the right of calm, the right of abundance, the right of fascination, and that of destruction. So the first two I've already mentioned, so she definitely has a calming, pacifying, soothing effect, pouring balm on troubled waters. And she's definitely in the kind of meditative, non-doing mode, or can be. So secondly, she's got this sense of abundance, as I said, maturing. There's this one statue that's holding a magical fruit. And she's often associated with harvest and richness and pregnancy. A lot of pregnant women call on her if they want to conceive. And she's often associated with children. Quite often she has children hanging onto her robes. Thirdly, there's the aspect of attraction and fascination. So like many of these archetypal figures, Quanyan is very, very beautiful, made of moonlight. And she can appear very alluring, drawing us towards the ideal, that's the idea. And all she or whoever, whatever person, living person she's manifesting through can simply ravish folk. There are occasional tales of her being very promiscuous. And even as a prostitute, I don't know how much to believe some of these, but I'll tell you anyway. And she's in that mode. She's said to use sex as a method for awakening. So as a skillful means, it's called. So this unconventional method for awakening. So sometimes she attracts partners and then turns them down, helping them to see through their craving. Or sometimes she does have sex with them and after which they stop craving, their loss just fades forever apparently. And their energies are redirected towards waiting up. Who knows? And the fourth dimension that I was talking about, the fourth aspect is the warrior, or the right of destruction. And like a few of these archetypal figures, she occasionally comes in fierce form. Fierce figures are often misunderstood, but basically their anger is never directed towards living beings. It's directed towards greed, hatred and delusion, the causes of suffering. So sometimes Quanyin is stern, and she carries a sword. There's a popular Chinese myth in which Quanyin is protecting the pilgrim swan song, who's on a pilgrimage, you could say, accompanied by a mischievous trickster called monkey. Some of you may know this story, it's a famous story in Japan, China. And monkey seems to be an allegory for the either. So in this tale and others, Quanyin is a kind of fierce super heroine, fighting the forces of hatred and delusion, whisking across the sky with her sword. And swan song was a historical figure, who did in fact travel from China to India to get the teachings of the Buddha and take them back to China. So clearly, Quanyin in this myth is protecting the Dharma and its bearer. So what do we make of these various aspects? So we've got the elegant white Quanyin, this emanation of love. And she's much more mysterious and multifaceted than we first think. But all in the cause of helping living beings. And what we're trying to do in the sense is to find that quality, find those qualities within us. That wide, compassionate, fearless energy within ourselves, because where else would we find her? Where else could she be found? So she helps us realise that the separation that we so often feel from others and from the outside world is false, it just doesn't exist. And to notice that all the action we take has an effect on other beings. So if we evoke a force like Quanyin or any Bodhisattva, who knows where it'll lead? It might start as a simple way of calming the mind, a kind of talisman. So we can chant her mantra to help centre ourselves, as I did just before an operation not long ago. And it can really help, that's a very valid way of using it. A way of protecting the mind, you could say. But going further, if we reflect on the myths and the symbols involved, if we visualise her faithfully, then connecting with a figure like this can eventually draw us to the heart of wisdom. So you could say a journey that begins with very everyday qualities like friendliness, listening, empathy, can lead us to profound insights. But to do this we need to open up, we need, in a sense, a revolution of the heart, to open up to something infinitely bigger than ourselves. And we need a willingness to honour life's mystery, to realise that we can't know everything, and somehow kind of accept that, give up, in a sense. So we're trying to open to the love that flows through that web of connections, human empathy, and also on a deeper level to the supreme love of the Buddhas, for all enlightened beings. In a sense, we're trying to open up to the Buddha potential, the awakening potential that we all have within us. On a good day, we can just tune into that great love of the Buddhas and just drink it in like a blessing. So let's hope in our own lives that we can follow the Tibetan master Tuxa Rinpoche's deathbed advice that he gave to his disciples. And he said, "However many times your heart wants to close, coat it open." Thank you very much. [Applause] We hope you enjoyed this week's podcast. Please help us keep this free. Make a contribution at freebuddhas.io.com/donate. And thank you. [Music] [Applause]
