The Johnny Salami Podcast
Joe Nunnink
I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, well, I'm hurting. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] All right. Oh. You want to just make an orgasm sound real quick? Oh, god. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah, man. It's a little fun. Yeah, dude, it's nice to meet you, man. Yeah, you too, dude. Yeah, you're coming, bro. Where's the Celsius, dude? I can't polish it off. In fact, I think there might have been a little bit left. Fuck. Are you down in those, like, on the reg? Dude, a little bit more than I would prefer to, actually. Yeah. Yeah, people are always like, dude, that's too much for me. And I'm like, dude, I could have, like, three of those and take a nap. The first one I took, it felt like doing an eight ball of cocaine and it felt invincible. And it has been a game of diminishing returns. Yeah, yeah. So now I do one just to keep it up, really. Yeah, you think you could go on, like, a little break, like a little vacate, and then just rip it again so you can get that feeling back? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that's probably the plan for me. I think, you know, I'm just going to get through the next few weeks, and then that's where anybody, where would you rip it? Like, an important lot, empty parking lot. [LAUGHTER] After the break, where would I rip it again? Yeah. Yeah, that's what you just, you know, like, this is it. I'd probably go to the Best Buy and Sunnyside, the parking lot. Oh, fuck Best Buy, dude, I might shotgun one of those. Yeah, you should fucking shoot up the place afterwards. [LAUGHTER] Fuck Best Buy, man. How are they hanging on? I don't know, what the fuck they're hanging on by. I don't know. I can't even remember if I talked about this, dude, but I'm trying to fucking blow that place up, at least the one in Long Island City. Yeah, dude. What for, man? What do you do? They're just ripping vapes in there and, like, pointing people in the wrong direction. [LAUGHTER] That's the shit. Rippin. Yeah. Fuck it. The fucking mango kiwi plume cloud in your face. Dude, no joke. I literally, like, I ordered shit online to pick up there. So I just wanted to walk in and pick shit up. You did the whole job already. Yeah, yeah. This dude literally pointed me in, like, the wash or dryer section. I was like, dude, are you fucking-- like, what are you ripping out of that fucking vape? Like, are you fucking-- He's like, yeah, dude, I think it's over there, man. Maybe it's over there. That's all they do, man. They just rip the vape, and they're like, where am I pointing? You know? They're like, they get together at a team meeting in the morning, like, which direction do you guys want to point to that? Yeah. So it could be point. I wonder what those meetings are like, man. Yeah, dude. Did you ever have a job where you'd have a little, like, pre-work-- Yeah, we called it a huddle. Yeah, we'd be gay or shit, ever. This is a gay shit. Yeah, they would always have, like, a quote and stuff. You'd be, like, a quote of the day. Somebody would do-- We had a huddle morning huddle, my old job, on 9/11. Morning 9/11. How old were you? Well, not D9/11. It was, like, 9/11. Oh, it was like, fucking no. It was, like, it was, like, 9/11/2019, you know what I mean? But the guy conducting the huddle was like, yeah, by the way, guys, it's like, it's like 8.50 AM. He's like, probably like, guys, today is 9/11. So why don't we just-- I was thinking we could split off into pairs and just kind of rim it, like, you know, reflect. Wait, what job was this? Well, I worked at Lego Land. Really? Yeah. Lego Land Discovery Center in Kansas City. Holy shit. Yeah, it was a wild place to work. You get high on the job? I thought about it a lot. It would have been a good place to, you know, rip some fucking A, Celsius, but also make some trumies. What is Lego Land for people who don't know? Well, they have the Lego Land parks in Florida and California. They're like theme parks, you know, with rides on it. But then they have these smaller, shittier ones and smaller, shittier cities, like Kansas City, where I'm from. And it's like an indoor, tiny thing, and it's building focus. Do you go there and build with your toddlers? Wow. Yeah. How would you, like-- So there's different look, like when the other cities and the cities that are, like, better than-- [LAUGHS] Like, how were they? Yeah. Have you ever, like, seen what they're offering? Yeah, I went to one of those-- it's magical. Really? Yeah, it was really nice. I must feel like going to, like, an indoor mini golf place. That's exactly what it is. Really? Like a vibe. It's for, like, three to 10-year-olds. It's basically what it's geared after, but-- Yeah. But yeah. I feel like I have a good time. It is a good time. Yeah, they would do, like, adult nights. It's kind of a weird concept. But they would do no kids allowed, you know? They would bring, like, a bar, a little bar in. People would just kind of get trashed. And play with Legos. Yeah, you'd have orgies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There were sex workers. That'd be sick. And, yeah, a lot of people would fuck it there. No. I mean, dude, if you made a Lego land orgy, you had many views that would get on porn, huh? That would get a lot of views, dude. Yeah. You just, like, wrecking buildings. Right, dude. You could build some sex toys to add to it. I mean, that's the first thing I would make with Legos is, like, a dick. Yeah, I thought about it, but it's too sharp and angular. It's hard to find enough curved pieces to-- I mean, I think that's why I would do it, though, just for the challenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? It would be the ultimate test of your Lego building. Yeah, I feel like every thing that someone does high nowadays, like, I could do that just sober and have a good time, you know? Yeah. I never really enjoyed doing fucking things high, to be honest. Yeah, me and going to movies, getting high. Yeah. I freak out. I spiral, dude. Yeah, you're just, like, you don't even know what's going on, rarely. I went to get out high and almost had a heart attack. How was that cardiac arrest? Did you understand what was going on, or you were just, like-- Yeah, but I was just, like, it was just the emotion of it. It was so heightened, because I was just-- It was, like, already pretty intense. I saw that sobering. I think I cried, dude, when I saw that. Yeah, man. I was, like, this might be the best fucking porn I've ever. Well, in the night before, I got really drunk. And when I was watching the movie, I just had a Coke and popcorn. Until my heart was, like, we can't take any stress, dude. All you got is popcorn and fucking soda and a night of booze. Oh, man. Yeah, I remember, dude, I used to go to this gas station. Yeah, that's what's up. And then it opened up a gas station next to it. So there was, like, a little bit of competition going on. Dude, so I'm in the new gas station, and I'm fucking-- I'm in the new gas station. I'm fucking high as tits, dude. And I bought, like, so much food, so I, like, walk up to the counter, and this lady's, like, checking me out. And she literally just goes, shit. She's like, shit. And I was like, why did she say shit? I don't-- dude, she goes, shit. And I'm like, yeah, I'm stoned. So I'm like, dude, this isn't happening right now. Just drop everything. I'm like, dude, that's like all it would take, dude. I started having, like, crazy thoughts. I'm like, dude, is there, like, jizz on my shirt? Like, what's going on? Like, I'm starting to have these fucking wild thoughts. There's, like, wild thoughts. You know, she's like, dude, she just continues. She just keeps checking stuff, and she's going, shit. [LAUGHTER] I'm like, dude, just fucking check me out, and I left. And I was like-- Did she never say anything besides shit? Just shit. Just shit. Like, five times shit. Five or six times. Dude, I remember just being like-- I remember just being like, dude, let's just keep a straight face and get the fuck out of here, dude. And then the next time I went, because I went like the next day, and I was like, I got to see what's going on, you know? Like, did that really happen last night? And yeah, dude, she just had Tourette's. Oh, really? Yeah, people would go in there just to get Tourette's, but she-- dude, she was the coolest person ever. Yeah. Like, you'd be having the fucking dopest conversation where they're, and she would just be like, shit. [LAUGHTER] Dude, we had a girl in high school who had Tourette's. Really? And she would bark. She would bark. Yeah, dude. You were blessed. Yeah, yeah. You were excited to go to fucking school with a rock. And there was always quiet times, like, the Pledge of Allegiance every morning you had to do that. Yeah. And like, you could just hear barking down the hallway. Oh, man. During the Pledge of Allegiance-- What's happened to bark was like a deeper bark or more more like a chihuahua? No, it was like a cute-- yeah, it was like a roof, kind of-- OK. Higher pitched. Was it like accurate, though? Like, did it sound like an actual dog or just like-- Yeah, yeah, it was good. I mean, she was really-- I was really talented. [LAUGHTER] It was a voiceover work that was crazy. Yeah, dude, have you ever seen Tourette's guys go on vacation? You be Tourette's guy from YouTube, that Tourette's guy? No. So there's a video, though. I think it was-- I don't know if it was like Nat Geo or something. It was like one of the popular, like-- I don't know, you're like TLC and all that shit back in the day. It was one of those channels. They filmed like a docu-series of these guys. Literally, like, they're all friends. They all have Tourette's just going on vacation. Dude, it's legitimately the funniest. It's funnier than war, dude. So the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It's just a documentary. Yeah, dude, these guys fucking walk into like a fucking antique shop. I think it was like an antique shop. It was like really quiet. And they're like, gone. [LAUGHTER] They're like, we got a gun. And there was this one dude. I'll never forget this. Do I say this all the time? I can't remember what he was doing. I think he might have been playing catch with one of the other guys. And he's just like Kellogg's cornflakes. And it was just so fucking funny, dude. Just the way he said-- I forgot. I don't know where they're from. Dude, that's the thing. If there's one guy with Tourette's, you can pretty quickly figure out, they're like, oh, that guy's got Tourette's. But if you have a few of them, it's just chaos. It's the best, man. I feel like it's disoriented. Well, dude, it makes you cry. Because they're all like they talk about how much they struggle. Oh, yeah. But they have each other in the docu-series. So you start to get really emotional. Yeah, that's amazing. Because you just laughed for like an hour straight of the guy. Right. And then they're like, yeah, man, this is really-- You find out through it's having a hard time. Yeah, he screams fuck like 60 times in a row. And you're like, do this guy's really, really struggling, man. That would suck. If I had it, I mean, it would suck. But I would be grateful that it wasn't like a racial slur also. Yeah. Well, some of them have it, dude. Yeah, I know. I want to figure out where that comes from. You know. I think it's like your mind telling you to not do it. And then you have to do it or something. But it's got to come from somewhere, dude. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, like the first six months where you're a bit something guy. They always beat around the bush. They're like, no, there's no-- I think they might talk about it, actually. They're like, yeah, there's no like-- nobody's discovered where it comes from, you know? And it's like, dude, you guys know. [LAUGHTER] No one though. Are you born with it or are you like, pick it up? Are you asking me like, legit? Yeah. Like, are you born with it or is it like, developmental? Like, they just start-- I think it depends on like the level of it. But definitely-- Is it a choice like, like, sexuality? I mean, that would be-- yeah, I think that would be sick, but definitely not, dude. [LAUGHTER] Because that would be-- yeah. I mean, I think both of us would be like, yeah, we're in. Yeah, I would get in. Go to practice it. That is where nobody knows where it comes from. Yeah. Yeah, wow. But it's-- dude, it's literally-- if you watch-- just watch like an episode on YouTube, I think they have the best of Tourette's guys on vacation, dude. And just the things they say, it's like-- it's like comedian-style humor. Yeah. Like, it's like, it would have taken me three years to write that joke, you know what I mean? Like, they-- I think they sat down with a speech pathologist. And like, typically, those type of people don't laugh. Right. But they like legit made her laugh. Like, she broke out in like the middle of a meeting. Now, were they like funny people and head Tourette's? Were they just like normal people? That's a good question, man. With Tourette's. Yeah, yeah. Because it's kind of like, you know, do you want to-- like you said, like maybe they don't want to say those things. Right. So it's kind of hard to figure out who they are, you know? Right, right. But they were doing fucking fun shit, man. Like, exploring. They were hanging out in campers. Like fucking-- they were exploring. Yeah, they were doing like the funniest shit, dude. They were just like-- and you're just trying to figure out like, you know, where does it come from? And are these guys actually this cool? Dude, I know. I actually come to think of it. Every person I met with Tourette's has been pretty cool. Even the girl that barked was like, people liked her, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, sad, man. Like what they go through. Right. But the thing that confuses me is like, some people are like, yeah, man, you know, like after a certain point, it's like not funny anymore. Right. But it is. You know what I mean? Like, if you're screaming penis in church. Yeah. That like doesn't just stop getting funny, you know? Like, that's funny every time, you know? Yeah. Did you ever see the video of the guy who couldn't stop coming? Because this kind of reminds me of that. This is like a porno or just like an actual video. No, no, no, it's like a document. He's like talking about it. Oh, does he have like that syndrome where you're just like-- He like comes like 100 times a day. I saw one with a woman. Really? Yeah. That's crazy. I didn't know they could come at all so much. Yeah. A lot of times a day, dude. It's crazy. That's wild. Yeah. But yeah, this guy, I mean, yeah. It took the joy out of, you know, coming for him. He was talking about coming at its dad's funeral. He's like, you've got to bury your dad and come eight times. Oh, shit. Yeah, I have. Wow, you know. Wait, so is this like a documentary? I think it-- yeah, it's a real guy. And he can't stop coming. And he can't hold a relationship. It's too much cum. And, you know, that's-- Yeah, that's like a disease, dude. Yeah. You know? It's pretty common, actually. Really? Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ. More common than you would think. Yeah, I saw one with a woman, and she would just be like talking to you. And then she'd be like, oh. And you feel like, oh, shit. You know? Yeah, dude. But I feel like people like that probably don't want to get, like, filmed, you know? No. No. Who knows what makes-- I mean, who knows what makes women come, too? Like, imagine if, like, your driver's license ID, like, had to be, like, you coming. Like, they took a screenshot of your face. Right. When you came. Or, like, dating apps. You go into the DMV, like, so there's a new law and effect, and the policies changed a little bit. Yeah. So take this magazine, go back there. But it's like the most disturbing face, you know? I mean, I don't know what face you make when you come, dude. But I'm sure it's not like-- Have you ever seen your own face-- like, I don't think I've ever been in a position where I've seen my own face while I come, you know? Yeah, that'll be wild. Yeah. Going to, like, a mirrored room. Yeah, mirror. Just stare at yourself, point blank. Yeah, I think you'd have to come out as, like, fucking-- what is it when you, like, you only love yourself? A narcissist? I mean, that, too, but-- Oh, like, autorotic. Like, the sexuality. I think it was a sexuality. You only have to only attract it to myself. Right. I feel like you'd have to come out as that after you jerked off to yourself in, like, a mirrored room, you know? People would have-- no one would have any sympathy for you coming out of that. No one would be like-- Yeah, it's pretty selfish, man, honestly. Yeah, dude. You're not at the pride march with that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, man, I don't think I would want to see that, because I've seen my own asshole before. Yeah. And that was enough for me. Yeah, dude. That was when I hung up the cleats, and I was enough of this, you know? Enough of this inspection into my own life. Yeah, this is for other people to see, dude. When did you see your own asshole? What was the context of that? It was like before a Boys and Girls Club basketball game. And-- Yeah. How was that the answer? Where I grew up, like, I had, like, a-- fucking, like, the sink. You could, like, kind of stand on it. It's like a counter for the sink, you know what I mean? Where you grew up? You mean your house? Like a childhood? Yeah, my childhood, huh? [LAUGHTER] I thought you meant to town at first. You were talking about the woods, dude. Yeah, fucking Boise, Montana, dude. There's a sink there. Yeah. But you've never done that, dude. You've just, like, taken a look. Yeah, you know how you're a sphincter? Yeah, I have. I was trying to get, like, the 3D, like, Iron Axe, dude. So you just looked at it just to see what it looked like, right? I just wanted to get the IMAX, like, 360, little rotation view. Yeah. And so I got elevated, and I bent over, and, like, really spread my cheeks, dude. And I fucking legitimately think I, like, blacked out. So that's when I-- that was the first time I shaved my ass. Oh, you shaved it? Wow. That was why I shaved it. Dude, I've always thought about shaving my ass, because it's itchy in the summer, and shit, you know? Yeah. But, yeah, I've never done it, man. It's nothing better, though, than just, like, picking your ass, though, dude. Yeah, especially in the summer. I go to Best Buy and do it. I feel a good day. [LAUGHTER] It's really, yo, smell my fingers, brother. It's the best place to do that. Yeah. Yeah, no, I looked at my own asshole point blank. I mean, I took a picture of it, because I had a hemorrhoid, dude. And I was trying to see what was-- the fuck was going on in there. Is that from taking shits? Yeah, I guess so. Rubbing it too raw, pushing it too fast, like-- Yeah. Yeah. Wow, man. Dude, I get them. They flare up every once in a while. Fuck, man. Yeah, and you put a cream. They give you, like, a little finger condom to put the cream on. And you put a condom on your face, and you shove it up your ass. Holy fuck, man. Yeah, it's crazy. How often does this happen? Man, I'm good for, like, every couple of years. Flares back up. Is it, like, a moment you're looking forward to, or? No, it's really painful. Yeah. Yeah. Can't do anything, dude. Can't ride a bike. Yeah. I've been thinking about, yeah, man. I haven't really picked my ass to that much lately. I've been, like-- I've been, like, picking my gooch, though, dude, you know. Yeah, OK. What are you picking out of it? I'm just, like, plucking the hair and shit. Plucking the hair, dude. Yeah. Fucking-- I don't know, man. It's, like, like a majestic, like, run-through. Almost, like, I'm, like-- [LAUGHTER] Almost, like, I'm treating, like, a turf field. [LAUGHTER] OK, so you've got nothing, but then there's, like, somebody sprouts up. It feels like a little rake's going through it. And I just do that once, you know. But, back in the day, dude, we used to, like, pick our ass. [LAUGHTER] Where did you grow up? Rhode Island. Rhode Island. I mean, I don't think anyone else did it, but-- I would, like, pick my ass and be, like, yo, smell my finger. To just anybody? To just anybody. Do people go for that? Like, a lot? Oh, yeah, for sure. [LAUGHTER] That's what's up, man. Yeah. I heard you're, like, a legend. [LAUGHTER] I'm, like, I'm still doing it. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. I would get, like, deep in there, though, dude. You know? Really? Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how deep I've been, really. I guess with the hemorrhoid cream, that's probably a deepest, doggo. I feel like you can go pretty deep before it's gay. Yeah. Like, just now. I think you can go maybe a full inch before it gets gay. Really? Yeah, we-- [LAUGHTER] How deep do you think it is? I don't know, man. There's a line you cross where it is gay. Yeah. I would say maybe, like, this finger. Oh, the whole finger. All the way in. You know, now that I think about it. [LAUGHTER] I mean, that's, like, fucking-- there's a crazy distance. You can't see this. That's, like, touching your-- That's gotta be gay, dude. [LAUGHTER] I think the gay length is half the length of your cock. Yeah, I don't know who you are. So we could scale-- like, fully erect. Because, like, dude, I can't even imagine taking a full cock to the a-hole, dude. That's gotta be why-- My hat goes off to anybody who does it. Yeah, so maybe anything less than that is, like, not gay. Like, anything less than a cock. That's true. Maybe anything that's not a cock is just not gay. That's an interesting idea. [LAUGHTER] You know? How'd you come up with that? I just thought about it, dude. Just fucking hit me. Yeah, that might be it. It might be anything besides a cock. Yeah, there's nothing gay about fingering your ass, dude. I don't think so now. I really don't, man. Yeah. For pleasure with a blow gag in your mouth. That whole, like, smell my finger movement, though. That kind of died down pretty quick. Yeah, how was that for you? I'm just saying, I think that's kind of funny. Like, that's a funny phrase, like, smell my finger. It's about, yeah, right on it. But it's not what it was. It doesn't have the cultural poignancy that it used to. I feel like you need to say it in, like, a professional environment for it to really hit. It's really-- yeah, you need to be, like, in a suit now. Well, dude, imagine if, like, fucking kings said that? Like, if you were, like, fucking William Wallace and Braveheart, trying to get the boys riled up. [LAUGHTER] You know? You're just screaming at it. That's probably your last night. Yeah. Well, you don't even, like, preface it with that. Yeah, you're so-- You just scream it right off the bat. You're holding a sword. Your finger in the other hand? There's, like, two minutes of just straight silence. Is he walking through the line of troops with the finger? I think he would walk in silence for, like, two minutes. Just like a solemn, serious-- He could build up pre-battle silence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I think he would kind of, like, stop. And they would all be anticipating something beautiful. You know? Like, smell my fingers. [LAUGHTER] I mean, I think that would get the boys riled up, though. Yeah, I'm riled up. If you're going to war, dude, like, can you hear that? I'm like, dude, I'll fucking die for this guy. I'll kill my whole fucking family, dude, for this guy. Yeah, dude, I don't care who's on the side of that hill. I'm going to fucking bleed for this man, dude. And it's smelly, shitty finger. Yeah, I mean, I want to be surprised, man, back then, like, the shit they believed. Yeah, dude, yeah. You really just got to be, like, a good public speaker, and, like, they're just going to be, like, fuck it, man. I'll die for you. Oh, pretty much, dude. We didn't know what the fuck was going on. Yeah. The Earth was flat, and there's-- Do they thought-- Like, you think you could go to war? Like, you think anyone could convince you? Anyone, like, right now? Yeah, like, at this point in your life. I don't think so, man. Yeah. No, because I got planters, fasciitis in this foot. And I don't think I'm-- I can't run along with this. That would be like your excuse. Yeah, it might have been flat-footed, yeah. That's a good excuse, man, honestly. Yeah, would you go to war? Fuck, no, dude. Yeah. Maybe, like, back in the day, I might, you know? But with technology and everything, and, like, just seeing-- I don't really have anyone to fight for, dude. I'm not trying to fight for these chicks. Yeah. I don't have a wife or anything. Like, I don't have anything to fight for. Fight for these chicks. Yeah. Like, we're going to, what, fight for these chicks so they can make, like, only fans' content? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, dude, I'm fighting for these single chicks in Brooklyn who are only fans selling feet pics. Yeah. Fuck that. This is what I'm going to war for. Exactly, dude. They're air dropping me into Ukraine for this. Yeah. It's like a smell. I'm fighting for their cats. There's no babies. Yeah, you would have to 100% brainwash me, you know? I don't know what you could do, but-- I would have to be fully brainwashed, like, to the max. How long do you think it would take to brainwash you? A long time, like, a year maybe. [LAUGHTER] You would have to isolate me. It's actually not that long of time. Yeah, you'd have to isolate me, like, remove me from society, like, and then slowly. Whatever the process is, you know? I bet it's easily done. I bet it's pretty easy to brainwash somebody. If you give them a year. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You have a budget behind it, you know? Yeah, if you've got the resources, dude-- You've got to be. You can expense, like, your meals and everything, too, working on it. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of write-offs. I mean, a lot of people are brainwashed now, you know? Yeah. I think brainwashed is literally just like-- Is it just believing in anything, or are you brainwashed? I think brainwashing is just like believing something and not being able to explain why. Right. You know what I mean? Right. So like, I mean, nowadays, if you just ask someone why, they fucking lose their minds, dude. Yeah, they get defensive, dude. They freak out. So I just ask them like a basic question, you know? [LAUGHING] Just said the word "why." Yeah, God, you started threatening me. Yeah. I'm happy I can answer that for like most things I do, though. Right. I have, like, a pretty in-depth understanding of, like, of why you do everything that you do. Yeah, like, jerking off Xbox or all that good stuff, you know? Why Xbox? Why not PlayStation? Well, my friends have Xbox, so that's the big reason why they brainwash it. I will say, dude, PlayStation is actually probably better. I think it has more to offer, but-- If it takes a lot for you to admit that, dude. But like, the brotherhood, you can't leave the brotherhood, you know what I mean? No, no, you're going to go play with some 15-year-olds online on PlayStation? Yeah. You've never met? Yeah. It's a different squad. Is that what you're ripping right now? PlayStation? No, dude, I got a switch. A Nintendo switch? Yeah, I got an Nintendo. I'm, like, a 14-year-old girl, dude. You have to charge that? You plug it into the wall. Wow. But yeah, no charges, yeah, because it's portable to shit, man. What type of game do you play on? Dude, I got Zelda. I got Mario fucking golf in there. Oh, fuck. You're playing at home or just, like, wherever? Yeah, dude. Oh, I play on an airplane sometimes. Holy fuck, man. It's pretty tight, dude, and I like it. How much is that going for? Dude, they're, like, free. They're, like, fucking giving them away. That's nothing, dude. Holy shit. That's fucking sick, man. Yeah, dude. Yeah, you can get them on it. Almost have any bug in it, though. It's not, like, wireless. It is wireless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you can do both. You could plug it into the TV. So you can bring it anywhere. You can bring it anywhere, dude. Holy fuck, bring it anywhere. So it's just, like, the old days, man, like the Nintendo's. Yeah, like the Game Boys, dude. Yeah, you an nostalgic guy, dude. Are you getting-- Yeah, I think so. I'm not a big gamer, so if I'm going to game, I want, like, something that, yeah, that reminds me of the games I played when I was a kid, dude. What are you doing in your free time, then, besides, like, spanking and shit? It's just besides spanking it, is it? Yeah, it's a lot of that. I have to pick my ass a little bit, too. Yep. Yeah. There's Zelda. Let's see. I don't know, man. It's a good question. I mean, you're making sketches, obviously, but-- Making the sketches, yeah. Does it take a lot of time? Yeah, I mean, it depends on what it is. Some of them, the ones that take a lot of time and, like, energy, always tank. And then the ones that I make in, like, an afternoon. Like improv? Yeah, yeah, whatever that I just come up with the idea and just shoot it with my phone. You think it's because you feel, like, more natural? I don't know, man. I don't know. I think it's because the ones that I think about, it's, like, more of a-- it's more of, like, a concept or an idea. The ones that I just make spontaneously, it's, like, this is just, like, a parody of this guy or, like, a character. Yeah. It's not, like, a sketch, you know? It's got to be tough, though, overall. Just to make sure to do it. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, it takes time, but it's, like, I like making it. So, it's fun, dude. It's, like, throw up and run out. [LAUGHTER] It's been a perfect time to do it, dude. I'm talking about my fucking game. Dude, before you came, dude, I got fucking-- not before, like, you jerked off, but, like, before you fucking came here. Yeah. I was fucking-- I got the Celser Water, dude, and I took a-- Yeah, that's good. I buy, like, 100 packets of Gatorade Zero powder. Oh, OK. So I put one in with the Celser Water, dude, and it started-- it was about to explode. And then I fucking-- I capped it, dude, and saved it. But that's where I'm drinking right now, man. It was like a science experiment, and so I was seeing-- Yeah, I was seeing. Gone wrong. It was, like, back in the day, dude, where you used to make those fucking toilet bowl, like, bombs. Yeah, yeah. You could do that. Wait, toilet bowl bombs? Yeah, you'd buy this toilet cleaner at the Dollar Tree. You know, put it in a fucking two liter Coke bottle and put Mentos in it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then you would throw it, and it would be, like, a legitimate, like-- Wait, you put toilet cleaner in there? Yeah, that's what we would just explode. Oh, shit. Yeah, you probably just did Coke and Mentos. Dude, I was on that basis. Yeah, I'm talking about, like, fucking army reserve type shit, dude. Like, if shit hit the fan. Wow, that's incredible, dude. I didn't know what leveled up from Coke. Yeah. But-- So what happened is when you have Asian friends, man. When you used to do this one, you get a thing of Killsbury flour. OK. And then, well, you got to get, like, an M80 or something, like, a little heavy duty. Yeah. And you put it on top of it, or maybe, like, tape it to it. Yeah. And you light the M80, and that explodes. But then, something in the flour makes this, like, massive wall of fire after. Oh, shit. So you get an explosion followed by, like, a wall of fire. Wow, dude. Yeah, it was really sick. I wonder how that works, man. That's fucking crazy. It's like a wall of fire, and then it just goes out. Yeah. Like, a little queef? Yeah, it's a big, flashy queef of fire after a big-- That's sick, man. --giant fart of an explosion. Yeah. It's really tight. Wow. Yeah. That's fucking sick, man. The fact that it just, like, comes out and then disappears. Yeah, that's all good. A little fucking closeted homosexual. Exactly. You should have called it. That's what the bomb was called. Yeah. That's exactly what the bomb was called. Yeah, you yell that, like, before you let it rip outside your neighbor's house. We're going to light a closeted homosexual tonight. Come over, dude. Brinks it. What else? I used to have a potato launcher, man. That was pretty sick. That's pretty tight. Yeah. Yeah. My Asian friend taught me how to build one. I just went to Lowe's and-- OK. These things are-- if you got hit with a potato from a potato launcher, it would kill you. It would kill you. Yeah. I think I'm going to fucking trust you. Yeah, it would go through it. Break my fucking ribcage. That would be such a fucking sick death. Yeah, died by potato. Because it's like, dude, you don't want to get hit and then be like, yeah, you know, like half of my brain's missing. Right. Like, you want to go all the way out. You want to go all the way out, yeah. Yeah. You don't want to be like, yeah, I have a fucking one of your-- because of a potato launcher incident. It's like, no one's going to talk to you, man. You know? No, dude. Especially nowadays. Yeah, imagine going dumb from a potato hit to the head. Yeah. You got one lazy eye drooping down. You passed away, though, dude. You're a legend, man. You just have a fucking potato imprint in your chest. You fucking open casket, funeral. It's like, cum stains. Yeah, your pants are covered in cum and there's a potato-shaped hole in your chest. That's a good way. Did you guys have BB guns or airsoft guns or any of that shit? Yeah, I never got into that. We got into the paintball. Paintball stuff. You chew an ice on the fuck, dude. No, it's hot, man. Yeah. The audio's going to pick that up, dude. Some old guys are going to be like, turn that shit off, man. You know? OK, this guy's chewing ice on his podcast. You make it this far in just to get pissed off. Oh, yes, you guys. Dude, you are. Do some of this shit in the comments is like, correct. I mean, at least with my sketches and shit. Yeah. Do you read the comments? Some of them. Yeah, yeah. Do you not? You just do not-- I mean, when I started, I would. Yeah. And then I was like, this is fucking stupid. Yeah, it's crazy. I set my-- I've been fucking with the settings a little bit, man. You can set it to people you follow only and stuff like that. So that's not what I do. Anyone else can comment or you just don't see him? You just don't see him. So it's like, yeah, anyone can comment. But I just look at the people that follow me. Yeah. Because I don't want to leave one of my boys hanging or something. Yeah, that's a good way to do it. That's a good way to do it. Yeah, man, plus if it's so hard, like once you start reading them, you just kind of go down a rabbit hole and then you start to get sad and stuff and say, fuck, man, you know, like, what am I doing? Yeah. Yeah, dude, a lot of my content has caused massive political discourse, even though the thing is not political at all. Yeah, yeah. But somebody just fucking finds something. Yeah. Somebody gets in an argument, but dude, it's good. It's good for the algorithm, man. For sure, yeah. You're ripping the country from politics, dude. Yeah. Just watch the country rip apart in real time. I'm going viral. That's all it is, man. I got to figure out a way to, like, eliminate that from, like, discovering shit, like, any political shit, you know? I think that there's got to be a way, you know? Oh, so you don't have to, like, swipe past it, right? Just so I can see, like, titties and, like, shit that I'm actually interested in, you know, my feed. I just want to see, like, fucking someone throw a touchdown and then just, like, a pair of tits. That's all I want to see, man. Do you ever, like, let a video ride just to tell the algorithm that you want more? Like, you're not going to watch this, but I'm just going to let this ride. Yeah, but for some reason, it knows the truth. Yeah, it does know the truth. It's always titties and football, dude. It's all it is, man. Yeah, dude, nice. Chicks, like, doing, like, fucking hip thrusts. Yeah. What are your favorite kind of titties? They all, I mean... I think I saw a pair of titties when I was younger, dude. My friend, he dated this girl. It was, like, his first-ever girlfriend. Wow, nice. His locker was next to mine, dude. I remember. That's legendary. I didn't even know they were dating. Like, this kid was retarded, dude. He was like the dumbest fucking kid I've ever met in my life. And this chick with fucking cannons just walks up to him, dude, and just starts, like, legit licking his face. Like, dude, she was licking his eyes and like... Did he know her? Or they were going out all right? This is, like, how they met? (laughing) It was, like, a... It was, like, a Mortal Kombat-type shit. (laughing) But, dude, so, like, I, like, thought they were making out, dude. But she was actually, like, sexually, like, licking his face. Wow. And, dude, I laughed for, like, an hour straight. (laughing) And then he was like, I was like, dude. Like, dude, what the fuck was that, man? And he was like, we're going out, man. (laughing) It's like, holy shit. Yeah, dude, we're going steady, so... But he showed me a picture of our titties, dude. Really? And it was like, I was like, no way, dude. There's no way that's real. Like, there's no way that titties can be that nice, you know? Wow. 'Cause, like, for titties to be big, dude, and perked up. Yeah, yeah, it's tough to get involved. It's like, dude, you're literally, like, you know, you're going against everything. You're going against physics, man. Right. Like, if you showed Elon Musk that picture, he'd fucking kill himself, dude. (laughing) Like, can you imagine, like, Elon presenting that to, like, a group of his, you know, his peers? Right, dude. I feel like, listen, I think I thought gravity was real, but... (laughing) Physics, gravity, between this and the James Webb telescope, dude, everything's being rewritten all the time. (laughing) It's, dude. Throw it all out the window. Think about the projector he's got, too. Just throws up the parrotch, like, tits. Oh, yeah. Everyone's like, dude, my boy, you know? Dude. Yeah, he's probably got the nicest fucking projector. It's like fucking 20K. Yeah. Whatever that means. I don't even mean, like, the price. I mean, like, the resolution. Yeah, yeah, no, no. What does any of that shit mean? I don't know. Why is it fired? It's, like, 6K, yeah. Like 4,000 pixels, maybe, something like that. Dude, you're talking about that guy... No, that guy. That guy who had his locker next to you. And I had the guy whose locker was right next to me in high school. This guy with, like, anger issues. So he'd, like, come up to his locker in the middle of the day or whatever. I'd be at my locker doing the thing. And he'd come up to his right next to me and just, like, punch the locker over there. Like, fucking idiot! Like, do it himself. That was like, holy shit, dude. And then he'd just open his shit and just, like, throw shit in it and slam it and then walk away. Did you figure out what was going on? No, dude. I think his dad was beating his ass. Oh, man, no, it's tough. Yeah, no, what was going on? You laugh at, like, angry people? I laugh at, like, the absurdity of, like, the moment. Like, but not at, like, you know, it's sad whatever they're going through. Yeah. The outburst is very funny. Yeah, angry people are pretty funny. The moment is hilarious. I love laughing at angry people, dude. Anytime anybody gets mad, it's very funny. It is, dude. Yeah, chicks don't like that, but-- No. They don't get it, dude. It's like, it's just a joke. Like, chill out. It's the guy-- yeah, he's a violent man. It's fucking chill out. It's very funny. Yeah. It's cool and funny. Yeah, those were the days, though, dude. Yeah. What else, man? She's like, uh-- High school, it's just been, like, really downhill. Did you go to high school in Kansas? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Interesting, man. I know, dude. They didn't teach evolution. Yeah. So I noticed people I went to college in Kansas, dude. And they were just like, yeah, like, I left after, like, two weeks. There's just nothing down there. I mean, there's not. There's like, you know, there's bars and shit you can go to. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So there's nothing really there. But when you're making your sketches, like, are these people saying, like, fucked up shit to you? They're like, gets to you or no? In the comments? Yeah. No, not even. No one's really saying, like, fucked up shit. Like, no one's being like, this sucks, or this guy is not funny. Yeah. It's just more shit that it's like, they don't realize it's a joke or something. Yeah. And they'll be like, oh, actually, you know, skittles aren't-- they're not a product that would go. You know what I mean? They're just like, lost on some sidebar thing. I'm like, how can you sit here and like, type this? Yeah. And fire that off to the universe. Dude, it's insane. It's crazy, man. I really want to be that guy. He was just like, completely isolated from it all. Yeah, dude. You're like, what's going on? Yeah, yeah. Because that guy's always the coolest guy. He's always the chillest. He has no idea what's going on in the whole world. Yeah. Right. And he's still living a happy life. Yeah, he's still living a happy life. If you're that isolated, you've probably got like, you know, some George R. Martin level of fucking-- Yeah. --thing going on in your place. Paper is all over the floor. Oh, you think of horse? Man type shit. Yeah, dude. Or just those people like, how did he come up with that shit? He must have just sat in an apartment for 20 years. Yeah. Come up with your own language. You imagine coming up with language? I'm thinking about, you know. I'm thinking about dudes who like suck on titties, but like privately. You know what I'm saying? As opposed to publicly? Yeah, dude. Like-- Yeah, those guys are weird. You know? I don't know how to explain it. Maybe like that dude from old school. Like the dude that Will Ferrell played. Yeah. Like no one knows what's his name, Chet. Like his name's Chet. OK, the guy, the character in old school. Yeah. Yeah. Will Ferrell. Yeah, I actually forgot the character's name. Yeah, I think it's Chet. He's like, ma, the meatloaf. Yeah. Yeah. But like that guy, like, I feel like no one knows what he's doing ever. Right. And that's kind of like a mysterious vibe. Right. Because I feel like everyone-- It kind of feels like what you got going on up here. I hope so, man. I really do. You really have-- Yeah. I hope people think about me. And they're like, I wonder what that guy's doing. That's what I think about you. That's what I saw before I got here. That's fucking sick, man. Yeah, dude. I was like, man, giant salami. Who the fuck knows what he's doing out there? He's out there. Yeah. It's out there. I see him on the internet. Never seen him in real life. It's a shadow on the wall, dude. That means a lot, man, honestly, dude. Yeah. That's like my dream. He marches to the beat of his own drum. Yeah. Yeah, that's all I wanted out, dude. That's the word on the street is what people are saying, Johnny. Wow. You have to know that. That's fucking sick, man. Yeah, dude. Congrats, man. It's like, dude, privacy is like a big deal, man. You don't want-- I feel like everyone wants to publicly just announce what they're doing all the time. And it's just like, whatever happened to fucking privacy, man, you know? Right. Now, when you say announce what they're doing all the time, you just talking about people-- People share everything, dude. People tweeting, like, go into this restaurant, went to this restaurant. Yeah, I just think their whole life story and their political beliefs-- Oh, like, what they believe in, who they are. Nothing's a mystery anymore. Right, right. But I feel like that takes away from like hard-ons. Because that's all an erection really is. It's just like, yeah, who the fuck am I? Dude, the last thing you'd want to do is take away from hard-ons. Yeah, yeah. So you want to leave those there. Yeah, mystery. I wish I could get more on the way, man. I feel like you feel like you're pretty open. I feel like I'm pretty open, but that's like-- I envy that in people. If someone's like, I has a mysterious life, I'm like, man, what's that? I wish I could have some of that. But I just know that it's-- You think you're addicted to just being open? I don't think-- I'm not like that open. I'm not someone like broadcasting. You know what I mean? Yeah, I feel you, man. But it helps, though, dude. Like, it really does, man. If you don't read comments, man, like, you'll notice a huge difference. Yeah. And I know that sounds gay, man, but-- You'll be like a lone wolf out there. Yeah? People are like talking about comments, and you're like, I don't even fucking read comments. Yeah, dude. Don't even know what you're talking about. You know? Yeah. Damn. I was going to say, I forgot what it was. Oh. But like, just-- yeah, I don't feel like I'm overly open, but I feel like making content at all is like, you know, you're putting a lot of shit out there. For sure, man. So it's kind of like being open, right? Comparatively to, like, you know, my family living back in Kansas. They've never posted a Facebook status before. I've got, like, a fucking podcast and sketch and stand up close up there. So if they saw, like, your Pornhub history, they'd be like, no. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, dude. Because, like, anyone, if anyone saw my porn history, they'd be like, yep. Like, they wouldn't be, like, surprised. So I did. Which, I'm kind of proud of that. Yeah. You know, I just know, it's kind of like an open book, you know what I mean? They're like, oh, we get that, for sure. Wait, so you're an open book or you're a man, shrouded in mystery? I mean, which-- No, I just like know that they wouldn't be, based off of the interactions they have with me in person, not over, like, social media. They're like, oh, yeah, for sure. The dance, watch, and bang, boss. You know what I mean? [LAUGHTER] Dude, two girls, one cup every night. [LAUGHTER] That's crazy, dude, I think every other night. I thought, whatever, every other night, yeah. All right, man, well, we get some phone calls, dude. You don't know. Fuck yeah, dude. Let's do that. Johnny, my man, I'm going to try and make this shorter than I have to make it, but here's the thing. So I started seeing this chick. She's cool, and whatever. Super out of my league, super hot. But we've been having sex, and she goes, hey, this one, let you know, I'm a fucking sex worker. And I was like, OK, that's between you and God and whatever. And now, I'm going on the internet. And I went on Twitter and Pornhub, and I saw her on the internet. And I don't know how to feel. And she was like, hey, if you can't separate my business from my life, like, that's between you. It's usually an issue, but like, that's up to you. And I'm realizing, I don't know if I can-- should I be-- am I a cuck here? [LAUGHTER] That's what he's worried about. Are these real calls? You get people calling in? Yeah, it's real people that have real problems. Wow. Wow, dude. Yeah, that's a good problem to have, man. That is a good problem. That's crazy, bro. He's getting with a chick, and then, oh, my God. Yeah, if anything, it means that she's like a hot piece of ass that's hot after. Yeah, I mean, for sure, dude, he's living the dream, man. Right. Yeah. But he feels weird about it, and that's what I understand. I'm a pretty jealous guy. Like, I'm pretty-- if I saw a woman I was having sexual intercourse with on Pornhub, I mean, I would watch the videos and stuff. [LAUGHTER] But I would be, like, so upset. Yeah. Yeah, me, too. So she's getting fucked and porn doing mine. By, like, professionals. Yeah. So like, I feel like, I don't know how you feel, man, but I would feel pretty-- I feel like, dude. Pretty jealous, man. You know? You'd be jealous. Yeah. You wouldn't be able to date her, basically. Yeah, I mean, I'd be like, yo, like, yeah, that guy's got an eight-inch cock, but does he fucking-- does he listen? Yeah, does he rip ass in professional environments? Yeah, does he pick his ass the way I do? Yeah, I don't think I could do it, dude. I don't think I could do it. Yeah, I don't-- I think I'm too jealous, too. Now, what about this? What if she was just doing, like, tip picks and, like, not doing, like, sex acts, but was just, like, had her shit out there online-- Consistently showing titties or just, like, in the past? Yeah, and, like, texting clients who were, like, buying them and stuff, you know? Yeah, not from me, man. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Personally, I know people who could do that, but-- I mean, if it was in her past, maybe, I'd be able to-- she was, like, hey, that's the old, you know, Janine. Right. Janine is Janine. She's in the porn industry. But the new Janine, she's moved on. Like, she's more mature now. Right. I might be able to accept that, but if she's just constantly putting up titty picks and doing blow bangs, it's like-- I can't, you know? Like, dude, that's insane, bro. Like, imagine going on a date with a girl, like, having a great time. And then, like, the next day, you're on porn hub at night, and you just see her in, like, a blow bang. Yeah, dude. And then the next night, you're like, what are you up to tonight? She's like, oh, I'm busy tonight, but we should hang out tomorrow night. Yeah. And you're like, you just have to sit there that night. The idea of texting a woman who's in the middle of getting bangs by another dude. Yeah, texting you. Yeah, she's getting bangs. That's, like, the theme of the video she's in. She's like, oh, I have-- Yeah, he's like-- He's like, who is it? She's like-- She's like, it's my fucking boyfriend or whatever. And he's like, pounding the shit out of her, dude. That is the video, it's a video out there. She's like, oh, he thinks we're serious. [LAUGHTER] Tell him you're busy right now. Calm. You're like, you're jerking off to it. You're like, this is good. This is good acting. Well, here's the other thing, dude. She probably only has a three-year window in this business, right, before she ages out of porn. That is a thing, man, not a lot of people think about-- Maybe he could lie a little-- You either age out or you're just like, oh, dear, like a fucking Dairy Queen. Yeah, dude, fucking not off at a thank you forever. I mean, that's how it goes, man, you know? Yeah, I did this a bad situation for this guy. Yeah, it's a short-- he's lucky he has us, though. Dude, I can't believe this is the place he turned. Well, yeah, man, like, dude, just bust a few out, man, and just move on. Like, it's a short-term thing. Yeah, it's a good way to do that. Like, moderately think that it would be a good idea to do this in the long-term is insane, dude. It's like, dude, yeah, it feels like there's nothing to debate here. Get the fuck out, dude. Dude, hit and run, man, but, like, that's a good story to tell the boys. Great story for the boys. Give it four months to lick your wounds. Yeah, everything's short-term now, anyway, is, man, relationships, everything, you know? I mean, especially if you take a girl's fucking gang buster vids on porn op, dude. Yeah, everything's short-term now, man. Nothing's going to last, bro. Yeah. All right, man, those are probably one of the best questions you've ever gotten, dude. That was a good one, dude. Yeah. Hey, Johnny and guest. This is Cam. I'm going to need some life advice, guys. I've been to my girlfriend, you know, for about a year. And yesterday morning, I built, like, the Taj Mahal in her toilet with my poo and tried to flush it. And it wouldn't go down. And, you know, it took over an hour of me just fighting trench warfare with a, you know, the plunger and putting my heart and soul on the line. And, you know, eventually it kind of went down. But I think I ruined the toilet forever. So anyway, guys, do I need to buy her flowers? What do I do? I mean, I'm trying to make sure that she doesn't kill me. I think she's all right. But I mean, I put that thing through the ringer. And the worst part is I was laughing hysterically and she didn't think it was funny at all. So help. Man, dude. I've been in that situation so many times, dude. Yeah. He said it kind of went down. What does that mean? Well, he said he ruined the toilet. You ruined the toilet? Yeah. It's been a fucking hour plunging, dude. Said it was putting his heart and soul into it, though, dude. So at least he never gave up. I was saying, if you're man fucking the clogs of the toilet, it spends an hour pumping that shit. Yeah. That's a good thing to have the courage to even put it down. I would have given up, dude. Just walked out. Would you just take a hit on the relationship and just try to rebuild somewhere else? Yeah, because she's going to tell all her friends. And then they're going to tell everyone. What are you going to go double bait them? They have to fucking look you in the eye. You're going to try to fucking ruin his oil. It's crazy. You can't look at her friends in the eye after that. I mean, I would fucking show my face everywhere after that. I'd be like, dude. [LAUGHTER] Teach me how fucking legendary that is. I've got a guy removing the fucking toilet. The next day. Just be like, yo, remember that time I blew up your toilet and dipped? Yeah, the porcelain broke off on the floor. Especially she told all of her guy friends. Because they're definitely in a group chat. They're like, yo, this John guy is a fucking legend. Well, the thing is, she didn't find it funny, dude. So she wasn't telling anybody about it. Oh, for sure. If, dude, if you blew up a chick's toilet and left it, she's telling the group chat, for sure. [LAUGHTER] But she's pissed about it, right? She's like, she's like, I'm starting to think this guy's like not a great guy. She's like, there's a 30-pound shit with blood in this blood. It's got veins. It's pulsating. I'd be like, hey, can you send me that pick? Yeah. So he's thinking maybe buyer flowers. Yeah, dude. The fact-- no, dude, you fucking-- you take it like a man. I mean, in my opinion, you just-- I think you take it like a man, dude. I think you talk to her like you're talking to one of the boys. Right. And you go, yo, I fucking blew that shit up. Yeah. It's over now. Yeah, I think you're right. Because here's the other thing. If you buy her flowers now, and every time you take a fucking dump in her toilet, you're looking at a full bouquet of flowers. Yeah. And if she breaks up with you for blowing up a toilet, like, dude, you're a legend. Yeah, dude, you're a rock star for that, dude. You get to tell everyone that and like, you know? So you're like, why's your last relationship now we're got? You're Thanksgiving, you grandma and your family. [LAUGHING] You're like, yeah, actually, Rex, this girl's plumbing. Yeah, that's fine. I don't think he actually wrecked the plumbing, but if he did, that's pretty pricey. I mean, it sounds like it. If it took an hour to go down. Yeah, I don't know, man. Just like, if you're comfortable enough to take a dump at a girl's house, I feel like he's going to be all right. He's going to be all right. She'll get over it. Yeah, man. Because like, when I take a dump, dude, like, I don't have a girlfriend or anything. But if I was over a girl's house, like for the first-- It's a really funny combination of words. [LAUGHING] But if you-- if you were at a girl's house for the first time and you had to take a shit, like, you're holding it in for sure. Oh, yeah, absolutely, man. That's crazy to go in there the first time. Take a dump. You're like, I am. Dude, that's wild, man. But she might honestly get turned on by that. She's like, well, this guy's super godful. She won't, though. I love your heart attack. But it's telling you right now, it's not going to happen. He tried like, that's like deep inside all of us. We wish that that was the truth. Maybe she'll get turned on by that. [LAUGHING] You try to like-- you try to like plead with her. [LAUGHING] You're like, you're like, yo, did you not see me blow up your bathroom when we were together? First date, that's pretty impressive. Think about it. Think about how comfortable you made me that I was around you. I mean, that's actually the moment when I was blowing that fat shit in your toilet. That was the moment I knew I was in love with you. That's like part of the wedding vows. [LAUGHING] Oh, man. Yeah. Good calls, though, man. Yeah, dude. I think that, yeah, I think you're right. If you just levels with her, at least that's down at a table. Because like, dude, if she's going to use that against a man that's kind of fucked up, you know, I hate when chicks do that. Because if you get a chick mad, man, it's almost like a Rolex of like fucking memories. Right. Like, oh, I remember when you do this and you're like, that was fucking-- Hey, if you buy flowers and all that shit, you're like-- You're almost a knitting to like, you fucked up. You're going to look at it like that. You're going to be like, hey, you know what? I'm a great guy. [LAUGHING] I'm a great guy. Make you laugh. I spend money on you. Yeah. Once every few months, you're over in your toilet. Yeah. You know what I think you should do? I think you should run it back. [LAUGHING] Let's go, dude. Yeah. Yeah, run it back. Make it like twice as worse than like, don't even flush this time. What about this? Maybe get her the flowers and run it back the same day. Yeah. Just the flowers with no note, though. [LAUGHING] You buy flowers or like, do you want to buy the note, too? [LAUGHING] No, I'm not a big note guy. Yeah, he'll be all right, man. Yeah, man. I think he's going to make it through. Well, that's one more, dude. She was going on. [LAUGHING] Hi, Mr. Solami. So when I was younger, my stepmother took my Nintendo DS. This was probably about the year 2009. So I was looking for it in her room when she was at work one day. And I found a pleasure device. And so I-- in my anger, I went to the refrigerator. And I grabbed some spicy Dijon mustard and I put it on a paper towel and I lathered it on it. And when I was a kid, I felt pretty good about it. But not as an adult. Every year, I feel a little more and more weird about it. She-- about a week later, she wasn't at home. So I asked my pop, I said, where is she? And he said, oh, she's at the doctor. And she came back with vaginal antifungal medication. And I know I caused it, you know? So it feels-- you don't take my DS, you know? So part of me feels like it's justified. But the older I get, it's a little fucked up, no? So can you help? Was it justified? Thanks. The most emotional one yet? Yeah, that was-- that was in death. And that was wild. That was crazy. I mean, I don't even know where to begin. I'm back in this one. I mean, he was younger, dude. He's just asking if it was justified. Yeah, I don't think it was justified. But I do think he was younger. And I think that he shouldn't-- I don't think it was justified because of the Nintendo, dude. No. No. And, you know, I mean, listen, take this from a guy who-- I rock a switch, dude. I'm a switch guy. Yeah. It's a good device. Someone takes that from you, dude. I had a DS. Somebody took my switch. You know, there'd be a problem. But yeah, when you start messing with somebody's pussy and you mix mustard with pussy-- Yeah. You know. Yeah, I mean-- Yeah, this guy's messing with pussy, dude. He's messing with, like, what we respect as men. Yeah, I mean-- That's, like, shooting up, like, a fucking-- you know, like, what's that, like, shooting up? It's, like, shooting up, like a fucking-- Yeah, probably, like, a small-- not quite a McDonald's, but, like, maybe a small-- Yeah, maybe, like, a fucking Chick-fil-A, dude. Perhaps, like, a Chick-fil-A, or maybe I was thinking-- It's, like, dude, you're shooting down what you love, man. Like, yeah. Well, he's basically shooting what made him, dude. Right, right, right. You know, because he came out of that VJJ now, he's disrespecting it. Yeah, so it's, like, dude, you're basically, like-- Well, is it a stepmom's pussy, do you say, or a stepmom? I don't know. Yeah, but we're at this. If it was stepmom, it's fine. Still symbolic. If it's his mom, then it's fucked, but if it's stepmom-- It's his mom, that's really bad. I think he said it was a stepmom. OK, it's fine, then. I think it's justified, also. OK. Now, it kind of makes sense. Yeah, it does make more sense for this. Yeah, stepmom. But, yeah, spicy Dijon mustard, I don't know. The pussy juice is, like, a fine chemical cocktail balance that there's pH. pH level's got to be right. There's-- yeah, I don't believe there's any, like, naturally existing Dijon in there already. So I think bringing some in there changes the chemistry. Yeah, you're just bringing, like, an M60 to a fucking fistfight, dude. Exactly. Yeah. Now, so she had the vagin, whatever, the problem. But did that-- is there a long term? Can you just smell, like, a yeast infection problem? A yeast infection, yeah. Fuck, man. Yeah, I just feel like that's a tough one, man. He's just asking if it was justified. You know? I think it would have been justified if it was your stepmom, dude, and she did something, like, bad, you know? Yeah. But just taking the Nintendo. Taking the Nintendo-- I mean, you probably deserved to have it taken away, right? He was probably on it all the time. Wasn't getting any vitamin D. Yeah, I'm trying to think of a time where, like, something didn't go my way, and I took-- You took action. I took action, like, a fucking V for Vendetta movie? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, A-V for Vendetta movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, one of them. Yeah. This dude's, like, a V for Vendetta movie, dude. Yeah, he is. He's living his own. He is, dude. You should get one of those Guy Fox masks masks. The next time he puts mustard on his mom's delta. She shaves her head. She'd wear one of those. Remember, remember, remember, fifth of November. Yeah, dude. I could see, you know, I could see Mayo, or maybe even some ranch. What do you think of a new valley ranch on the dildo? Yeah, because then he's just hooking up his pops. Yeah, dude. Yeah, exactly. You know? Right. Yeah, man, I just-- I know there's probably been a few times in my life, man, where, like, things have gone my way. And I just kind of, like, took revenge. And then afterwards, I was, like, very-- I would think about it all the time. But the fact that he has to see her all the time now, and she doesn't, like, know. And he knew that he fucking blew up this poor lady. I honestly think, dude, like, if he's at, like, a family party or something, and he's, like, a little buzzed, it might not be a bad idea to bring it up at the dinner table. [LAUGHTER] You know? It's like, hey, you know, I know we've all been laughing and having a good time tonight, but there's something that I need to address. Yeah. Sharon. [LAUGHTER] 2009. Yeah. If he's feeling bored, you know, if he really wants to spice up, like, the family chemistry, and shit, dude. I think he spiced enough, thanks. [LAUGHTER] True, true, man. Yeah. Yeah, that's my input, dude. I'm thinking, if he wants that burden, if he wants that weight off his shoulders, he's got to let it out. Yeah. You got to confess your sins, man. Yeah, I think you're right. Catharsis, they call it. Because it's like, dude, you want to live with that? Every time you see her, all you think about is fucking Dijon mustard. Yeah. Or do you want to be able to look at Dijon mustard again? It's clearly eating them up. I mean, this was 15 years ago. Yeah, you're still thinking about it. Still thinking about it. It wasn't justified, but I think he should forgive himself for doing it. Yeah. But he should also maybe confess, yeah, maybe confess. Maybe you should go to a church, like a local church. Yeah, you don't have to confess to the stepmom. He could confess to, perhaps, a pastor of faith. Yeah. A man of God. A man of God. Sort of fine. Yeah, see what he says, see what his input is. [LAUGHTER] That would be funny if he did it at church, but in front of everyone during a mass. [LAUGHTER] He didn't know how confession worked at church. Middle of like a song. [LAUGHTER] I have confession. I have a confession I got to do. His stepmom is like right next to him. Bart, what is this? Yeah, damn it. Those were some good calls, man. Probably the best calls we ever got, to be honest, dude. Those are some amazing calls. Yeah. I can't believe it, man. But yeah, do you got your-- what's your special coming out, man? Like you said-- Yeah, thank you, man. Well, I'm taping it August 24th. OK, it's pretty soon. Pretty soon, man, yeah. Fuck it, man. Saturday, August 24th. Two shows, eight and 10.30. And it's at the gutter, which is a bowling alley. Fuck it, dude. Brooklyn, so-- No, the gutter's a nice place, man. Yeah. That'll be good. Nice, like intimate vibe, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's nice. It's nice. Yeah. You doing an hour? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck it, dude. It'd be like 48, 45, yeah. Say it, everybody says an hour. And it's going to be-- it's going to be 22. Yeah, 45 with, like, intro. 45 plus riff. Yeah. I'll go for you, man. That's fucking exciting, dude. But yeah, dude. So, yeah, thanks for having me on. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just come out tomorrow, man, so. Oh, really? Fuck it, dude. Yeah. It's got to be exciting, though, dude. This is like what you've been prepping for your life, dude. Yeah, I'm excited, man. Yeah. A lot of this shit I've just had for, like, a long time. And I'm like, I don't really view any of this material anymore. So, I'm like, I just want to put it out there. You're just going to put it on YouTube? Yeah, I'm just going to put it on YouTube. And then, you know-- It's a way to go, man. Throw it on the-- get it on fucking radio, if I can figure that out, too, so. Yeah. How does that work, man? Like, you obviously have to, like, put money into it, but is it pretty-- do you have trouble, like, finding, like, someone to record it and stuff? Is that, like, a stressful process? Yeah, no, so, like, there is this, like, guy that I met, who's, like, a director. He's done a lot of people's, like, specials. And he is, like, a fan of my sketches around the fuck. And then, great guy, super nice. And I just hit him up, and, yeah, he's giving me, like, a great deal on it, so. That's fucking sick, man. Just making it, like, very doable for me. Yeah. And then, I just got lucky to get to work with CYSK at the gutter to do it there. Yeah. And so that-- yeah, so that helps a lot, too, man. That's fucking sick, man. That's exciting, man. I'm fucking-- yeah, I'm really stoked. So, yeah, two shows. Next few weeks, man, just drinking Celsius. Dude, you're getting ready, bro. Yeah, dude, just pounding Celsius, dude. And then, after the taping, I'm going to quit. Yeah. And then, I'm going to relapse in that best book. Yeah, I put up, like, a fucking Facebook post. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm six weeks off, Celsius. And Zen. Yeah, well, good for you, man. That's fucking sick, dude. Thanks, man. Thanks for having me. Yeah, check that out when it comes out, man. And it was good to me, bro. Yeah, dude, you too, man. It was fun, man. I hope to have stuff to see you around. Good to see you, bro. Yeah, we've never met, dude, so it's hard to do this. Somebody who's never met, but-- Yeah. I feel like some time ago, dude. And we fucking-- we just did it, dude. We just fucking did it, did it, did it, did it. Yeah, man, thank you for coming. Thank you, guys, for listening. This episode will come out tomorrow. And then, I don't know if I'll be around next week, but we'll figure it out, man. Thank you, guys, as always, for listening.