DumTeeDum - A show about BBC Radio's 'The Archers'

DTD 99 Almost a Hundred

This week is Lucy's week as she follows up Rottweiler like on the now poor handling of events at Blossom Hill Cottage. As my gran used to say, least said; soonest mended. It is very sad that having been handled so well in the build up, the denouement is being handled so crassly.Mooving on, Lucy says Toby sent Kirsty her Valentine's card and that Phoebe probably one to Roy; definitely not Hayley or Lizzie. Lucy also says that Lilian should not be running herself down. And so long as men do not get in Lucy's way she likes having them round. And no-one has told us what breed the new cows actually are - they are cross-breeds. The Holstein Friesians have gone - and now we have something which is cross. Which made New York Nigel cross as well as agreeing with Roifield. Josh is the 'teens version of Tom with eggs in place of sausages. Meanwhile Johnny has taken on the Phil (originally, later John) role of being the ladies man.And finally there were several mentions of work for Kosmo but it never appeared unless I went to sleep!KosmoOn this week’s episode we have calls from:Titian 73 who thinks the button girls are to blame,Julie who thinks someone should Call the MidwifeSam is worried about the Titchysprog Witherspoon who thinks we’ve jumped the sharkBlithe Spirit who agrees with me,New York Nigel who’s had enough of cowsand Vicky from Kenya who’s thinks the plot device is rubbish.

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Duration:: 1h 22m
Broadcast on:: 29 Feb 2016
Audio Format:: other

So good, so good, so good. What's better than Black Friday deals? Rack Friday deals and Nordstrom Rack. For a limited time, take an extra 40% off red tag clearance. All sales, final, and restrictions apply. So bring your gift list and your wish list to your nearest Nordstrom Rack today. To remind you that 60% of sales on Amazon come from independent sellers, farmer Bob of Princeton popcorn. Howdy. We'll read 60% of this ad. Fire away, Bob. Small business owners like myself are growing their businesses faster on Amazon. By getting help with things like shipping. Chop small business on Amazon. Especially Princeton popcorn. Amazon, every day better. This podcast is a Roy Field Brown production. Find others on iTunes. All right, here I know. Hi, I'm Sarah Smith. If you're the type of person that goes to Liberty as other people would go on Safari and the fact that John Lewis doesn't have a funeral service makes you fret, Sarah Smith cleaning products offer you. Sarah Smith, available from Sainsbury's for the Porsche washer. Proud sponsors of Dumpty Dum. (humming) (humming) This is Dumpty Dum, the show about the reality of ducky drama that is centered on Ambridge in the heart of the Midlands. On the Mother's Day feast that is Roy Field Brown and with me of the heap of stale bread rolls that is. Lucy Freeman. And the last part of pathetic effort by the bull is you. Now today's Dumpty Dum is from a Dumpty Diddler. Ooh, Lucy and we've got some Dumpty Diddler news. - I saw the picture. - Ooh, and she cute. - Hello. - Now, today's Dumpty Dum is from Dumpty Diddler Dan, son of Polly Barker on a swanny whistle. Thank you very much, Dan. It made us so happy. That was most awesome. Lucy? - Yes. - Can you remind our listeners and Dumpty Diddler and even Dumpty Dogs? Maybe a Dumpty Dog wants to try and do a, you know, a barret green for us. How they're going to act like a Dumpty Dumber of the week. - Yes, if you would like to sing us a Dumpty Dum, give us a plot prediction or give up coffee for Lent to ensure you're a twitching wreck by Easter. Then ring us on O2-0-3-0-3-1-3-1-0-5 or leave us a message on speak pipe. Thank you to lovely chambrages for her amazing voices. To Cosmo for his podcast round, that's more Cosmo news shortly. And to Sarah Smith for sponsoring us. And thank you also to Derek for loading the back bedroom. Derek has been very busy. He's been sorting out our 100th episode next week. And he's also got a volunteer job working in a charity shop in Boychester. He told them that he wanted them to find him something that allowed him to use his relevant skills and experience. So they've got him rinsing out the thongs. (laughing) - Oh, I do think thongs aren't they? (laughing) Well, if you like dental floss, they're fine. (laughing) - On this week's episode, we have calls from Titian73, who thinks that the button girls are to blame. Julie, who thinks someone should call the midwife Sam, who's worried about the titchy sprog, with a spoon who thinks we've jumped the shark, blind spirit who agrees with me. Well, hey, lovely, blind spirit. New York Nigel, who's had enough of cows and Vicky from Kenya, who thinks the plot device is rubbish. But first, before all the good stuff, it's Lucy V Freeman and a week in Ambridge. (upbeat music) - But is moving back to his house to kick up his heels. Everyone keeps saying poor old, but we must keep him busy. So the poor old bug is about to drop dead of exhaustion. He's working at Brooker's digging carol tobogans hemp patch, dry-stowed wall in the village hall, making a bloody remote controlled chicken hut for the fair buggers. He's 146, and it's past his bedtime. He should be at home with his feet up, watching cash in the attic without his teeth in. The Broca's cows have arrived. There are millions of them. It's like when you do in a condo order, when you're a bit drunk and you order seven kilos of bananas instead of seven bananas. Let's just get lots and lots of cows, lots and lots and lots of cows. Pippin' Ruth went all squealy about them. Ooh, look at that brown one, and look at that brown one. Then Josh came out to help shove them through the milking parlour and recognised one of the cows as a group leader. I think it was probably the clipboard of the name badge that gave her away. Toby had a dubious shenanigans with some lucky lady/man/sheep and turned up late for his meeting to scoff at Josh, the millionaire schoolboy. He keeps pestering Bert with pictures he's got off the internet. Actually, that's probably not a bad idea, but single man and he probably needs some sort of outlet. Anyway, Toby was his usual oafish self and wants some sort of mechanism that opens and shut stores, blow, dries the hens and pulls the eggs out of their bottoms. He's probably already got a machine that shoves things up people's bottoms. Now, here's a shocker. The Grundy Enterprise's Shepherd's Hut is going wrong and is wonky and unstable. Who'd have thought it's basically a sort of compost bin on a skateboard? I think it'll fit in terribly well with Linda's peculiar statuary. Llam is wandering around. Dog with half a pelvis and hypoallergenic grass. Anyway, it's another clear return to form for the Grundy's, clary moaning about the state of her floor, eddy conning people and edge the smooth tongue to devil, asking his mother if she'd like to go for brunch for mothering Sunday and then adding that it's fine as it's on special offer, so he wouldn't have to pay for her anyway. All we need now is for William to be mean-spirited about something and Joe to get a flare up of his farm as long and it would be quite like the old days. Johnny passed his exams, am exams brilliant and now has a diploma in overalls. Good for you, Johnny. He went pondering off to home farm to watch Adam Chuckie's muck. He then made a mistake of wandering aloud if Adam didn't get bored, just driving down the field in a tractor. My God, Johnny, don't start putting on that thread. If you go around the village asking people of their ball, they might all realise they're practically catatonic and will be listening to a deserted village. Lillian hired the fair bottoms to hump her funcher around and said they were both very well endowed. She'd like to ask Kate about that and she'd scrub the rattle powder off. Anyway, I have a horrible feeling that Toby has identified Lillian as a potential sugar mummy. We had an unseasonal recurrence of Christmas Linda. She is banging on about this ruddy pageant, which is called England's Pleasant Land. Brian's only interested because he thought it said England's peasant hand. Anyway, Linda also wants everyone in Ambridge to help clean for the queen. Why the queen can't clean for herself, I can't imagine. If it was clean with the queen, I could get behind it. You pass the detox, you imagine, and I'll crack home with the skirting. Whatever flipping mailing list Linda is on, I really think she should think hard about unsubscribing. She seems to be endlessly notified about things to be celebrated, sponsored, supported. I think she's the only person, well, no, actually maybe her and Ketton, who actually believe all these daft, national dandelion weak things. Yes, it's Dipper Hedgehog in Mustard Day. Support your local chump leading new discs. Well, yes, they'd need all the support they could get. And the gloves are off with Robin Krusty. He chucked her out while Helen went all Victorian heroin again. And now he's trying to oust Johnny as well. How? You can feel threatened by someone who's 16 and wears up the bubble hat, God only knows. And by the way, Ursula, joyful experience, childbirth, my arse, the end. Oh, I enjoy that this week, that was good. Well done, Lucy Freeman. You were rattling through stuff there, and it occurred to me, and I've been wanting to say this for weeks, right? But the whole lender asking Eddie to make that thing makes no sense. No. Because why wouldn't she ask Robert? Robert's handy. Yes, of course, yeah. Well, I think it's because Joe said he used to live in a shepherd's hut. He actually used to have one, and he used to stay in it with no lambo. It's just doing nonsense. And as everyone else seems to be asking Bert to do absolutely everything, why wouldn't she ask Bert? Who is a lot more reliable than Eddie? Hmm. Yeah, I know. Well, we'll just add that to the list of the, what the fuck plot holds. We've got Dom Diddler's listening to this. Sorry. So you can't say words like that. Sorry. But what the goodness me is going on? Yes. With the plot hold. Anyway, so before we go on to calls of the week, we don't call them calls of the week. Call arenas. Yes. We don't even know the titles of our own segments. Before we've gone to the call of the rows, right? Anything else you'd like to just ponder on, and pontificate on in the last seven days in Ambridge, because I haven't really got too much to be honest with you. I would not like to pontificate a ponder. I would like to shout. Ooh. I'm not going to though. I'll tell you what, I'll just recline back. Yeah. Right. 'Cause the floor is yours, Freeman. You need to cross your hands over the back of your neck, head between your knees. You've grown knees, Royal. Basically, I know we said last week that this Robin Ursula, they've now wrecked it. They've built up an edifice that was bigger than them, and it's now started to topple over on top of them, because now they're trying to work out how they can end it without the whole lot clashing down on top of them. And it has, quite frankly. And I completely agree, we've got a lot of calls about this, but I'm going to add my voice to the Maryth wrong. It is insane that A, Ursula should reappear as world's most influential mother on Rob when he's done nothing but slag it off for the last year. And the most stupid thing, the stupidest, stupidest, stupid thing ever, was Rob and Ursula coercing Helen, or Ursula in particular, to have a home birth and pat to not say a word. When she nearly died. However, drawn in, however coerced, however convinced you may be by this man who appears to only have the best interests of your daughter at heart, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As a mother, and I'm not saying this, I'm a mother, it's sodding obvious. Your first concern would be for your daughter's well-being, not whether or not she had a joyful birth experience, just not to die. That, you know, it's a really serious, she's got a series of very serious conditions. She hasn't had any follow-ups, mental health follow-ups, she hasn't had any proper nutrition. If she's had one nutrition follow-up, they're not going to anti-natal classes. If they are, we never hear about them, which she would be surprising. It's just stupid now. It's gone beyond, you know, pat is not blind. She's not stupid, or blind, or that kind of fragile around Helen, that she'd actually sacrifice that much of her own care for her daughter. It's just, it makes no sense. They have sacrificed sense for a, they have sacrificed sense for a press-driven storyline now. They've now, and it's so, such a stupid waste, because they've done this so subtly and so beautifully, up until now. And now, it's just, Ursula may as well have a cloak and, you know, an evil laugh. They may, you know, it's just ridiculous. It's not even, it's not even soap ridiculous in that overly dramatic. It just, there's actual logic holes in it. And that's unforgivable, really. Logic holes. You know, you can forgive a bit of nonsense. You can forgive a bit of drama. You can forgive a bit of, you know, overblown sentiment or an overly dramatic daily more. But actually, to just to have a character like Pat, who just suddenly becomes mute, and just seemingly doesn't care, just, you know, and to go from that scene, I don't know whether to have a home birth or not, then we're all, yay, happy birthday to Tom, blah, blah, blah, and Pat sitting there without anyone saying, you're going to have a home birth? What? You know, just ridiculous, stupid, stupid and patronizing. And we're not that thick. So, just stop it. I've finished now. - Good hair, at least. - It's all there. Happy, turn me off. - No, no, no, no. (laughing) I did just go make a part of coffee. - I'm scared. (laughing) - I answered a couple of emails. (laughing) Said out a couple of tweets. (laughing) Said to God, "It's Steve and Lucy's on one." (laughing) Well, that's a past me of last week. Well done. I wasn't as cross last week as you were. But this thing, this having the baby at home thing, that's what, last week it was for you, it was Ursula suddenly being, you know, Rob saying, "Oh, well, I trust my mother and all this stuff." But for me, it was that, it's just ridiculous. - Well, you know, I suppose Pat did say, "Are you sure, Helen?" - Yeah. (laughing) - So it's all all right then. - Are you sure are you person in significant mental health disorders, having all your decisions made to be by someone else? Are you sure? That's a good idea. Oh, all right. Then if you say so. - Well, anyway. Shall we move on to the quarter inras? - Yes. I'll have a lie down. (phone ringing) - Hello, Ambridge 3962. - Who's first Freeman? - Um, Titian 73. - Hello Lucy and Royfield. This is Titian 73. I am a first-time caller-winner. I work in employee communications and engagement in civil engineering. I live in a watery village 15 miles north of Yoko Bear. See if you know where that is. I think I'm a Rory listener. I think I've listened full-time since he appeared and they took him to live with him. I'm calling in this time with a plot prediction. I think that someone silly like the Button Girls or Toby sent all these pointless anonymous Valentine's as a plot device just to get a bit of romance going. But I think it's a bit daft, but the story arc could actually last quite a long time if it kicks off a bit of love. Anyway, that's all for now. Looking forward to seeing everyone on the seventh. Goodbye. - The Valentine's. That all seems to have gone quiet, doesn't it? But I think that Toby sent the Valentine to Kirsty because he met her at the health club, didn't he? And was all sleazy and well, well I better change to your gym then. Oh God, the worst thing was when she said, "I'm the manager of the health club." And he went, "Oh, well done you." (laughing) - Live in the house. Really? God knows who sent Roy his. Phoebe, I think, probably. Let's cheer him up, possibly. - Good shout that. - Yeah, not Hailey. No, too sensitive. I'm certainly not Elizabeth. Yeah, it's much more likely to be Toby chipped stirring than the button girls, I think. But yes, I miss story lines like who sent who were Valentine's and, you know, Jolie giving up coffee and everything else. Talk about reaching that one, the lent. I'm going to give a, why would you give up coffee? Because as Kenton said, well, you're only gonna save about £2.50, now that's not gonna make any difference to the blooming curtain fund or whatever it was. - So... - It's not like she'd nip up costa coffee, is it? She's making it herself anyway. - Hmm, but the whole point of lent, right, is this from back in the day when the early months, he's like travel out into the desert and then like flail themselves and stuff and, you know, self-flagellate and all that malarkey. Is this kind of what we're supposed to do, which is a watered down version of all of that? - Well, yeah, it's just sacrificing yourself, isn't it, sacrificing something, yeah. - Ah, just, yeah, as you've quite expertly said before, it's the only bit of the United Kingdom, which routinely celebrates lent, yeah. So it just goes all over my head, all this lent stuff, 'cause it is the most dreary characters, generally, that, you know, participate in it, so, yeah. Anyway, what else did Titian say? - That was it, really, she was mostly concerned with valentines. - And mostly concerned with getting all the protocols right being a first-time quarter in a row? - Yes, he was. - Well done. - He was, he was. This next lot, we're going to squish together three calls. - Ooh, that sounds exciting. - Can we do that? - Er, yes. - Okay. - Hello, Dunty Dumblardsbrick, calling. Well, Ryfield, I could not possibly echo your sentiments about the storyline that shall not be mentioned more eloquently or more fully. I, there can't possibly be anyone left amongst us archers listeners who doesn't want this blasted thing to be over and done with now, can they? I mean, really? Is there anyone who just wants this to go on and on and on, descending into fast? I don't think so. I'll tell you what really ticks me off, and that is the personality transplant that Pat has been given over the course of the last few months. We know that Helen has a very traumatic past, we know about their disordered eating, and previously, Pat was hyper-vigilant around her daughter. You know, she'd only need to have so much of it as a tiny frown on her face and Pat was like, "Oh, you all right, are you okay?" And she would be really looking after her. Now, she just seems to be completely blithely indifferent to that abject horror going on under her nose. And no, I don't think the fact that Rob appears to have bamboozled her has any truck in this argument whatsoever, it just doesn't ring true, it's a crock. Also, apart from the fact that Pat never speaks to her daughter about anything particularly important these days, how could she possibly stand there with Rob basically lecturing her daughter and saying, "We are gonna have a home birth, aren't we, darling?" Because that's what you wanted before, isn't it, darling? And that's what we decided to do, isn't it, darling? If she can't possibly see that, then someone please give her a guide dog. I think that what's gonna happen now is that Kirsty will go to either Tom or Pat and she will say, "Look, there's something not right here. "Have you noticed anything? "Have you seen anything?" You know, I really think that we should do something about it. I'm worried about her. And hopefully some kind of intervention will be staged against Rob and Ursula. Personally, I would prefer it to involve some knives, a distinct lack of police presence, and an open grave up, Lakey Hill. But, you know, that's just my personal preference. Hello, Lucy Royfield, and all of them. She's done with everyone. This is Vicki from Kenya. I haven't called lately 'cause I've been really busy and I've never quite caught up with the arches and the podcasts to be able to call in in time. I just wanna say, probably along with everybody else, there's nonsense about the home birth business. I'm amazed by this. I'm hoping that it is a really clumsy plot device so that people realize, 'cause it's so bonkers, but people realize exactly what sort of situation Helen is in and how much she's missing to the control of Rob and now Ursula. But I'm really hoping that it isn't gonna be a thing that comes true because it can only end badly. So let's see what happens. But as I say, I hope it is just a rubbish plot device. Also, do we know where Ursula comes from? Because either she or the actor playing her has a very strange accent and I can't work it out. And I don't know whether we've got any back history on where she's from. Okay, that's everything today. Looking forward to the podcast. - Hi, Roy Field and Lucy. It's Julie from Pickering here. Just being to the gym and pedaling away on the stepper, as you do, and I had the most awful premonition. Really last night's episode where Helen, AKA Rob and Ursula have decided she'll have the baby at home and she's told Pat, Pat, please, please step in. I have an awful, awful premonition where she goes into labor. Ursula has stayed because obviously she needs to stay to look after Helen and the baby when it arrives. Helen goes into labor and Rob and Ursula don't call the midwife and they decide to deliver the baby themselves. And it becomes some kind of grotesque rosemary's baby scene with, oh, I can't even think about the carnage that would ensue. Also thinking, could this be the demise of Helen? Might she die in childbirth? And will Pat, for goodness sake, finally intervene if that does happen? I hope it doesn't happen, but just had to put this down on speak pipe to let you know the crazy things I think about when I'm stepping away at the gym. Toodles. So that was Julia Atkinson from Pickering, Vicky from Kenya and Blind Spirit. Who agrees with you, as you said? Yes, exactly, as I've just rounded Ellen. Pat was, as you said, Blind Spirit, hyper-vigilant with Helen, all of a sudden she doesn't seem able to, you know, if Helen went cartwheeling past with her, Nick is on her head, Pat would say, oh, you're right. You look well, Helen. Yes, I was telling her sounds a bit Scottish. Now, I don't think she sounded Scottish before. There is this great conspiracy theory on the Twitters that that's not Rob's mother, that he's hired some sort of woman to come in and derail Helen, which I think even for Rob, that's a bit reached too far, honestly. And yes, where is the midwife? Julia Atkinson says that we're gonna end up with some sort of Rosemary's baby situation, where Rob and Ursula try and deliver the baby themselves. Well, I can't even comment, Liz, I can't-- I know, it's just too distressing, isn't it? Well, it's just batshit crazy bollocks, basically. Yeah. (laughing) Batchhit crazy bollocks, yes. I'm sorry, the two, to try and stress the positives and to hope that we, you know, we are on the final stretch of this story line. At least phase of the Rob's storyline anyway. At least Tom, oh God, that was, yesterday's, wasn't it? We're Tom, okay. Yeah. Yeah, God, I can't even say that, Liz. All right, well, yeah. I know, it's-- (laughing) I know. (laughing) I'll just move on. Next call. (laughing) Well, this is gonna be a short show, isn't it? Nothing's happened, we can't talk about anything, the end. No, what I will say though, is the blind spirit, she's my favourite caller in her, because-- Please, please, please, with you. Well, but I like her Brio, though. You know, she's got a certain kind of gusto about her. She's, you know, very, you know, clear thought. And, you know, and yeah, generally, she comes always to the right conclusions. Yeah. About agreeing with me. Yeah. (laughing) Right's conclusions being your conclusions, clearly. Yes, yes. My way, and then there is wrong. Oh, and it was lovely to hear from Kenya. Kenya, yeah. There were no sound effects. No, no, none whatsoever. Maybe I'll put some on there in first production. Yeah, I'll put some guerilla moops or something on there. She sounds like Diane Fossey in the middle of the jungle. I don't think guerilla's living, Kenya. Don't they? And they got that mountain in the Congo. Oh. Yeah. No, they're in the mist. That's the one thing I know about them. They're always in the mist. I love a bit of mist, guerillas. And now, Sam, very deep. Hello, lovely, dumpty-dum people. It's Sam here. I'm on the Twitters at Sam, very deep. I'm a bit of a fraud, actually. I shouldn't really be ringing in because I'm not listening at the moment. I have stopped listening because of the story of which we do not speak. Just a few, too many things that strike chords with me. But one thing that I have been thinking about reading the tweets go past and listening to dumpty-dum is what will happen when this baby is born because I can't begin to imagine that Helen is going to feel any kind of automatic bond with it. It was conceived not exactly in an act of love from what we understand. She's been bullied and, well, frankly tortured all the way through her pregnancy. And I just wonder if she's really going to be able to bond with this child when it actually turns up, especially if Rob is still around. And it's treated infinitely more favourable than Henry will be. I don't know. I'm not a parent, perhaps something magical happens. The second the baby is born, and it's all just good and wonderful. But I do wonder if that's really going to happen. Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing many of you on the 7th of March. See you soon, bye. - So what she's saying about the teachers - Will Helen be able to bond with this baby? Well, my personal view is... These are for Rob and Helen, that. And sorry if this is distressing for anybody. I think the baby will die. Sorry, dead babies on a Monday morning. But that's what I think. I think this child is not going to actually come into the world at all. And however, if it does, I think Rob and Ursula's treatment of Helen and/or Henry during that period will either be the thing that pulls Helen together and helps her see clearly and think I have to get out of it and sort of forces an ultimatum on her foot, forces a situation of ultimatum on her. Or she will have some form of postnatal depression. And Rob will then get power of attorney over the child. And the child will be brought up by Ursula and Rob. - I thought you said the baby is going to die. - If it doesn't die. - Oh, if, okay, right. - But I think there is going to be, there's clearly going to be some sort of health crisis and it's going to be exacerbated by their behavior. But I think that I think when you have a baby... - I can't, I, I think when you have a baby you can't, I'm trying to think how to wear this. When you have a baby, you develop a ferocity, that you, a ferocity of care that you don't... I remember having to go into hospital with William when he was newborn. He had to go back in again. And we were put on a ward. I had like an MRSA thing. And I was put on a ward in a private room because I had a... - This is when you had that. Oh, you didn't have the Jamaican midwife this time. - No. - Thank heavens for that. (laughing) - Oh, do you know what? I was talking to my friend and she's a midwife round here. And she's been a midwife in the USend for 20 years. And she said, she was, a woman was in labor and she was kneeling by the side of the bed. And she tried to sort of, the midwife tried to sort of kneel differently to sort of move her position to help the woman. And her knee knocked into something. And she glanced briefly under the bed and it was a full house-breaking kit under the bed. - What? - At, yeah. And then she said to the woman, when they were feeling, and she remembered that when she was filling out the forms earlier, she said to the lady, what's your husband's occupation? And the woman had looked a bit, went a bit quiet and then said, "Removals." (laughing) Susan said, "Oh, we must be busy at the minute "because there's no end of property being sold around here." And she went, "Not that sort of removal's love." (laughing) And then when she delivered the baby, the husband was delighted and said, "We want to give you a little prison. "Come in the back room." And Susan thought, "Blimey." Well, you know, 'cause she's used to, I mean, people often give her sort of, you know, jumpers or cakes or chocolates or whatever. And there was an entire room full of fur coats, still with all their labels on. And he said, "Which one do you want? "Tire you pick." (laughing) And she said, "Can't walk out of here with a mink." (laughing) And she said, "Do I just want to go? "Where did they?" And then just thought, "No, not now. "Shush, shush." (laughing) You know, her lips are left. Anyway, yes, midwifery. How the hell did I get onto this? Yes, so I was in, I was on this ward with William when he was very, very tiny newborn. And there was a lady who was clearly in the very, very advanced stages of dementia and she wasn't very well at all. And she was wandering around the ward, shouting. And I was in this private room. And then all of a sudden, and she was off absolutely, you know, away with the fairies. And quite nasty. And all of a sudden, the door rattled and she came in. And it was the middle of the night and there's this crazy haired old lady standing, moving towards the baby. And I growled. I'm not kidding. I made a noise. That was the fiercest noise I could think of to make. And it was like, it was an absolutely primal. I will kill you reaction if you take one more step towards this baby. Hmm. So that's what I mean about you have this ferocity. But you know, whether you have that ferocity when you've had all the self-confidence knocked out of you for the last two years, I don't know. I'm hoping she will have. But anyway, little segue there into a strange little portrait of me. Anyway, I really like your East End gangster villain for its most excellent. (laughing) - Ray Winston. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Stunning that. - Uh, with a spoon. (upbeat music) ♪ Hey baby, I hear the blues are callin' ♪ ♪ To salads and scrambled eggs ♪ ♪ Massive ♪ (record scratch) Greetings Lucy, Roy Field, Millie Bell, and all dumpty-divers around the world. It's with a spoon and Angus Haggis here. First, the good news. Jolene is giving up coffee for Lent. The new cows arrived at Brookfield. Burt Potobian is placed, and we had two whole days free of the story that dare not be named. But now we must address the latter. In response to last week's podcast questions about whether the archers demonstrated the best practice of medicine when an undernourished an anemic Helen with a history of an eating disorder and previously term pregnancy difficulties was hospitalized, obviously, and shockingly not. Oh, there was a brief mention of a mental health consultation, but what of it? She should have had an evaluation by a psychiatrist, needless to say, with no one else in the room. Close and I emphasize close follow-up with a nutritionist and mental health professional would have been arranged. Calorie intakes, not too little, but not too much, and weight gain would be monitored. Family members would be educated around how to interact with her at meal times, and that would include no fourth feeding of pastries. I could go on and on, but just to say that eating disorders are among the most challenging of all psychiatric illnesses to treat, and I think the show in its inaccurate portrayal of it is doing a disservice to the public. As we know, much has happened since Helen has arrived back home. I, in agreement with everyone else, can't figure out how Ursula went from being the worst mother in all of England to the all-knowing best things since sliced bread in Rob's mind, and how could Pat not put up more of a protest when Rob announced that Helen was going to give birth at home? As I mentioned on the Twitters, it's not 1920, and this ain't down to Navi. Have the writers planned Helen's demise, or maybe just the babies? Will Kirsty march over to Tom, Pat, and Tony, and shake them into reality so that they can rescue Helen? Is this all compelling modern drama, or has the story just jumped the shark? As will we stare at our radios in disbelief that all save for one person in a small village where everyone knows each other's business could not figure out what's going on? Hey, did the writers plan all this good stuff to occur at the same time as Dum T. Dum's 100th episode? Wish we could be there in person, but we're preparing a loving Valentine, and Angus is buying a new bow tie for the occasion. Talk to you then. (upbeat music) - Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling toss salads and scrambled eggs. Mercy. - Here's his crosses, everyone else. And where the spoon doesn't generally get crossed, 'cause he's fused in, is so cross today. And he says, "The story has jumped the shark." With a spoon, not only has the story jumped the shark, the shark has jumped the story, the story's jumped the shark, there are sharks and stories everywhere. The ocean is a frothing mass of shark and jumping, yes. And that's it, really? But yes, it was, I did like the bits with Bert, really. I quite liked that. And I just liked anything that wasn't Robin Helen. And poor old Lillian, when she said, "I'm a bit too old to start again." She's not though, is she? - No, of course not. - 'Cause she's 70, but you know, she's a game old bird, and she looks good? - What do you mean by that? - What? - Game old bird, exactly. - Well she's not, she's referring to. - Some people decide, "I'm 70, so I'm going to act 70." From now on, I'm 70. And I'm going to just give up sort of thing. But she doesn't, she's very young at heart, she's engaged with things, she's running a business, she's still working, she's still active, she still does all her hobbies, she's still up for a laugh. And she still likes men, and you know, whatever. - Still like men. - Still like men. - Oh, I don't know. (laughs) Yes, I do, boy, feel. - Do you? - Yeah, on the whole, they don't get in the way too much. - Yes. (laughs) - Define a man getting in your way. - Stopping me doing what I want to do. Making me look at- - How is that, how would that even be possible? - I think I'd book in peace, what? - How would that even be possible? Because you're, you know, you're very clear about what you want to do. - Yes, I suppose I am, aren't I? - Yeah. - But you know, when, when, (sighs) - Well, most of my clients are men, and they get on my wick sometimes, but not in a particularly, not in a way that they are- - Not the gentleman at Sarah Smith, I hope. - No, no, actually I do love Clive, he's lovely, but Clive is the most un-alpha male in the world. - Okay. - He's a poet, he's a, he's a socialist poet. You can't really be obnoxious of your socialist poet. - Lucy, don't- - You work in PR. - No. - You do a bit. - Less and less, but yes, I've got one client that I still do PR writing for, yeah. - I really admire your honesty, you know, to broadcast out that mostly clients piss you off. (both laughing) - Maybe that's the reason why you're not doing much PR anymore, Lucy, I don't know. - Oh, I do like you, you know. - Oh. - The worst thing they do is when you're about to go on holiday and they say, oh, you're going, oh. And then something that they've quite happily been left on the back burner for the last six months, they suddenly want it in the Friday before you leave because they're suddenly panicked that you're not going to be there. That really irritates me. I think men have a particular form, my man anyway, for imposing their agenda upon you, their timing upon you. And I don't like it. - But isn't that just clients in general? - I think, yeah, maybe. The women don't do it though. - Yeah, you don't have many female clients. - My female editors just say, don't worry about it, leave it till you come back. And the men say, if you could just get it done before you go, that'd be great. (both laughing) - Seriously. - Well, that's very interesting. - No, it's not. - Can we get back to the arches? - Yes, we you started it. - I know. - I'm a tinker like that. - It is all out. And now, New York Nigel. - Hello, Lucy. Hello, Roy Field. It's a New York Nigel here with a rather irritated call, I have to say, I'm normally very enthusiastic about the farmer type storylines in the archers. But this week, it looked like cows were playing in major roles. And I thought, okay, I've been listening to this program for a long time. Maybe I should make an effort. So I looked up these famous cows and they gave up the hair efforts. I remember the hair efforts, but cute. For the life of me, I couldn't remember what new cows they got. So I looked them all up online and looked at the archers website and everything, supposed to be a program to help people and all of the rest of it to do their farming. What do you get from the archers website? A whole load of nonsense about hyper-rotting Joe Grundy's vowels and what have you, who's giving up what for lent. I mean, it's just a whole load of stuff that doesn't really help you understand the farmers. Storyline, at all. There's just nothing there. So you're looking and you're trying to sort of follow along with the storyline, give it all the enthusiasm in the world that you've got. And you don't know how, what so ever, from the archers websites in any direction, what so ever. So I really sympathize with Royfield because the one reference I could find to them getting rid of the hair efforts and getting some other new cow was in the Tory graph ages ago and Royfield was quoted as in there, saying that he was fed up with these cow-y type story lines, which I totally sympathize with. And it just said that they gave up the hair efforts for a grass-fed breed, but it didn't say anything about the grass-fed breed. So I just felt really annoyed by it. That and the fact that they discovered nothing underneath Lillian's wardrobe. I mean, not even an empty gin bottle or just nothing, and it was all set up so fabulously well. Anyway, that's about all for this week. And once again, good luck for the 100th episode and hope to call the game soon, bye now. - I'm with you, Nigel. Don't give a toss about the cows. They're small and brown, apparently. But yeah, he looked up the cows online and everything. And there was nothing to explain what the hell these cows were. But what worries me is that they say, this is they're a grass-fed breed. They're cows, they should all be. (laughing) It's only because we started feeding the mashed up turkey twizzlers that they all got mad cow disease in the first place. I should be the new BBC science correspondent. I should, yes, absolutely bonkers. That was, you know, all this, oh, they're all brown and they're smaller than the other ones, aren't they? And they've got, they look leaner than the other one. You think, don't, I don't care. I really don't care. If you're not going to tell me what they are, or if there's not a particular reason for me knowing what they are, shut up about them, don't care. Anyway. Can I just say, he's my favourite caller in order this week. - New York Nigel? - Yeah. - Why? Oh, 'cause he said he agreed with you, didn't he? (laughing) You're so transparent, folks. - You reckon? (laughing) - We should have a special mailbox. If you agree with Royfield, ring this number, then you will be put, you'll be top of the show and you will be lauded and probably receive some kind of award. - I think New York Nigel and Blyce bit, both deserve their own theme tunes. - Yeah, go on then. - I think for New York Nigel would be like a peel of bells, 'cause he's some kind of vicarizany or something or another. Blyce, spirit, I don't know. What's that, when the boot comes in, that one or something or another. 'Cause she's from that neck of the woods, isn't she? From North East land or something or another, isn't she? Jordy land. - No. - She is, isn't she? Why do I think that she's from the North East? - I don't know. I'm not saying she's got a big North East accent, but I think she's mentioned it at some point. Yeah, I think she mentioned it at some point. Blyce, spirit, tell us where you're from. - I think she should have more of a Noel Coward theme tune as she's Blyce, spirit. - Mm, there is that as well. - Which is not when the boot comes in. - But I think she's from the North East, but I'm sure, I'm positive she is. I'm positive, that's weird. But she's obviously like, you know, from the posh end of the North East, you know, speaking about that she speaks. But anyway, she's going to clear it up for us next week. So we'll know. - Okay. - All right. Now, I suppose-- - Hang on a minute, I was also surprised New York Nigel that Lillian didn't leave any extras in her bedroom, the Toby. - Oh yes. - Found, I thought she might have left an Xbox controller behind. (laughing) Lillian, you've left your, oh, there's all right, no nothing. (laughing) - Oh, I see what you did there. I finally caught up. Well done. - I think, yes, that would have been, as you kind of alluded to in your mon luge, they should try and get them together kind of like a May to December type of cougar thing. I don't think most excellent. It, you know-- - No. - Listen, they like bonkers storylines at the moment. Why not have that as well? - Oh. - Let's just go for it. Make it full on soap. But when you think about what happened last night, which we're not going to talk about, Lillian, there's no way Lillian's falling for him, is there? She thinks he's, talks shit. - Don't she? - Yeah. - I don't know. I think she might see a bit of-- - Oh, Lillian deserves better than him. - I think she might look at him and see, you know, what bit of a young Mac Crawford in him. - Oh. Have you had a bit of Mac Crawford in you? (laughing) Are you going to do some emails now? - Oh, yes, I am. Sorry, I've got a horrible, horrible mental image. - I'm just trying to, you know, you know, do anything's along here. - Sorry. Cosmo, Cosmo do not be cross that you are, you are not coming on the show because you are, but we've got a special job for you, which we're going to give you soon. So stop being cross. We do not like it when we have cross Cosmo. Crossmo, you are. Why have the farming experts failed to actually identify the new cows at Brookfield? We keep told, we keep being told they are crosses and the herd was freezing the Holsteins. These apparently do different, but what are they? They mention the short horns, which Dan ditched, so why don't tell us what has been crossed with what? And he said, I heard Lillian say this week, they raised me with Justin has no strings attached. I know I'm gullible, after all, I can still see what Robbie's saying. But does Lillian really mean what I think she means? And if so, does she really believe it? And if she really believes it, well, she was surprised when Justin asks if she might not stay in the darra house one weekend, or am I looking for a story where none exists? No, I think that's absolutely on the cards. Did you show a bit of a burp type thing? I did, I'm sorry, I just struck my tea really, really fast. Sorry, excuse me. But did you, I mean, she is going to end up with Justin, isn't she? And I just wanted to meet a man who hasn't already got another woman somewhere. You know, there's just all secrecy and, you know, ooh, it was bad enough with bloody mat and ex-half brothers popping up all over the place and lots of secrety secrets of borsettia land and all that. And now she's got another, you know, one who's got people just falling in love nice and simply doesn't make for the drama though, does it? That's the thing, that's the thing. A correction from Izzy who rang in last week. She said, "Hi, Dumpty Dum, I ended my last email with Mu, "judging by today's episode, however I was incorrect. "Please find the correction below. "But, thank you very much, you see." I love Alice's, Robin Yorkshire, the fair brothers. What is the point of, there's no hello or anything, he just launched you straight into it. What is the point of the fair brothers? Originally, I thought they were there to be the breeders for Pip and the future battlers for control of Robin and Josh and Ben. Pip appears to be disinterested and is now uninterested, you mean? And is now with a much more realistic matching Matthew who in any a few weeks, more likable than a lot of male characters of English, especially Rex and Toby. Josh is already making fools of them and seems to be able to run circles around with her likely power battle is unlikely. Disagree, Rob, I think that Matthew is on his way out and it's all gonna be about Rob. Nothing about them makes sense. No, Rob, I met Rex. No, I didn't, I meant Toby. No, I didn't. No, you meant Rex. No, you mean Rex. Nothing about them makes sense. See, I can't tell them about them, you've got no. Nothing about them makes sense. They must have made about £2,000 on the Christmas birds but they seem to be able to go out most nights. No, you mean they lost £2,000 on those birds. Because remember, Jojo's sexy has put the maths on it. Yeah, but he says they still seem able to go out most nights by what they want and not worry about money in the slightest. They are bent to live in the crowd. But we know they're getting money from their dad. Yet it is made out to be as big as home farm. Entertaining people for breakfast. Yes, sleeping over in this week, a power shower for Toby. Yet a few weeks ago, they were hosing each other down in the yard, some caravan that. If they're now meant to be a bit of light relief then we already have Jazza, Jim, the Grundy's Linder, Kenton and Lillian, all of whom are more popular and loved characters. They're in just about every episode, they don't do anything of worth. What is the point? Send them back to Brighton, Rob. He's a feisty man now. He is, he is. Now, you're just a long way away. I thought occurred to me this week whilst listening to Josh run rings round the Fair Brothers. Yeah. Josh is a young old Tom. That's exactly what Tom was like, you know. Little snotty nose, little kid. I'm an entrepreneur, I'm really smart. Really cocky as well. Yeah. Annoyingly successful. And it's kind of, but without the ladies appeal. John Archer as well. Yeah. And basically there's reprising this, you know, every what, 10 years. Yeah. You get the young entrepreneur, rural Giza. And I thought to myself, hmm, because yes, Josh went into the egg business what a year ago, but you didn't hear him. Didn't he says, oh, I'm going to do something with eggs? Yeah. And they just, they just disappeared. And he's come back and he's like, J.R. you in. Yeah. It's like some regging. It's like some super duper business. It's like happened overnight. Yeah, Richard Brampton of eggs. Yeah. Mm. Anyway, I just thought, he was just talking. I just thought this is just Tom. This is Tom circa 10, 12 years ago. He even sounds like like him, but then of course he does, because they all sound like, yeah. Yes. I know he is. There is something quite infuriating about that, I find. But you know, he's supposed to be, what, 18, 17? And he's talking about, you know, my reputation. Yeah. You know, with all these suppliers. Well, all these suppliers are just going to think he's an irritating little tick, aren't they, really? Exactly. But, you know. You know, I presume he's delivered the eggs. So, you know, that's all they care about, isn't it? That he's, you know, he does the job. But he is chucking his weight around a bit. But to be honest, the way that Toby treats him, you know, we can be late. It's only him, you know, what I get. So then that made me, I just keep swinging. They're all irritating at the moment. But whoever is being the most irritating in the scene, I am swinging away from them. So I'm like a pendulum of annoyance. So in a scene with him and Rex. I was just saying to him, Toby, I hate more. You don't really see pendulums anymore, do you? Well, what? Will you do on clocks, obviously? No, you don't. Think about it. It's only old grandfather clocks have pendulums. Well, I've got one, so I see a pendulum every day. Good for me. How old's your clock? I don't know, it's my grandma's. There you go. You don't really see them anymore. Clocks aren't made with pendulums anymore. No. No. Anyway, next call, Lorelai. Oh, no, let's let's let's let's think about that. What does that mean, Lucy? What? That clocks in a pendulum anymore. Sorry, I'm just sorry. I'm going off my own sleep-doll version here. Yes, let's go on to the next email, Lorelai. Lorelai is a dog walker. You know what it is, it's batteries. What? Oh, yes. That's exactly what it is. Yes. Good, can we shut up about it? Now, we've solved the mystery. Sure, lock. OK, great. Done? Yes. Lorelai is a dog walker. And all the dogs I walk are dumpedy dogs, as I listen to Dum to Dum and the arches while I'm out walking. And she is writing from Leafy Surrey via California. She started listening to the arches in 2012 around when James Bellamy broke his leg. So on a complete noob in arches listening terms. She was thinking about the divide and attitudes towards Rob. She said, I really just like the idea that the arches women roll over and show their bellies to Rob. Yet Tony and Tom seem to be able to hold their own against him. A lot of people have mentioned how out of character Patti's hand in the whole thing. And maybe they've written Pat this way to show how manipulative and convincing he is. But I really don't like the implications of gender divide, exactly. And as a mother myself, I really don't understand how anyone could allow their child to be treated as condescendingly as Rob treats Helen. Even before the anorexia took hold, Rob convinced Pat to see pregnancy as an illness and Helen like a child. And no one else is questioning it. Who in the world stops driving just because they're pregnant? No one thought that was odd. I worked to 40 hours a week when I was pregnant the first time and I would have eaten ahead of who questioned my ability to. Pat has been pregnant before, so surely she knows life does not stop. The whole delicate flower thing is absurd. Why can only curse to see how ridiculous it is? Love the podcast, blah, blah, blah, lorally. And Roy Fauci says, you've been killing me with your San Francisco podcast, making me terribly homesick. I'm going back from visit for the first time in 11 years, but it's when you guys are doing your hundreds of podcasts. Oh, otherwise she would have been there in a heartbeat. She says, I think, lorally, I think if you came in when James Bellamy broke his leg, then you would not have been there when Helen was suffering with anorexia, suffering very, after having an extreme episode of her anorexia. And it was very, very horrible. She became very, very skinny and ill. And she was really sort of self-harming quite badly. And she sort of had a breakdown. And Pat then became, as Blind Spirit said, hyper-vigilant around Helen and very, very anxious. And it was from then on that Helen has kind of been a combination of sort of hot-housed and indulged, really. It's very, the whole family find it very, very difficult to criticise Helen or any of her choices or question anything she wants to do because they're terrified that they're going to trigger another episode. Would you agree with that, Royce? - I think that's pretty much spot on. You are right. They don't know how to confront her. Tony did around the, surrogate pregnancy. - And Pat really took him down, didn't she? - Yeah, yeah. - Pat Berserk. - But you're completely right. Tom will do and say something. At least old Tom did. You know, I'm going to do this with bridge-farm sausages. I'm going to call him Tom after sausages. You know, it's all about my brand, whatever, et cetera, et cetera. And they would say, Tom, what are you doing? And Tom and Tony would have Rox Galore. Pat would throw her hands up. But with Helen, it is completely different. And this is where-- - Everybody tips those around her. - Yes. And this is where having brilliant listeners who can remember way back when, how brilliant listeners are Mr. Horn, who can go back and say, actually, this is the seed of this was from when she was born because she was a sickly child and always has been wrapped up in cotton wool. - And that's what Rob has identified in her as well. So that's what's allowed him to exploit her and the family in the way that he has them. - Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. So, hey, Helen. - And also, there was the, she had her boyfriend who was a gamekeeper who was very depressed. - Yeah, Greg. - He killed himself. She was trying to keep his family together by looking after his step-daughters. She then started hitting the bottle after he died. She then started hitting the bottle a bit. Then she had a series of unsuitable dates. Then she had Henry, which nearly sort of wrecked her relationship with her father. She had, there is a lot of, there are many, many reasons why they would treat Helen as a delicate flower, absolutely. But I agree with you that it would be very unlike Pat to just back off. - No, no, no, it would, it would. - And abandoned her to Rob as she has done. - You know, she's collapsed publicly. She has a breakdown at Tom's birthday. She's collapsed in the shop. Pat would be stepping up. You know, way back when, months ago, I said, well, if you, this from Pat's point of view, her daughter's now got married. And from the outside, he looks incredibly caring. And I think that stood three, four, five months ago. Not now. Not when the daughter has been admitted to hospital, he's falling down all over the place, having, you know, emotional outbursts and running away from the family table. Pat would be absolutely stepping up and saying what is going on. Forget Pat, any mother. - Yeah. - Doesn't have to be militant, you know, strident, feminist Pat, just any mother would. - Yeah. - And you're completely right. And I'll just keep stum, literally this whole episode because I'm just fed up of this. And I think (laughs) can you sort that out, Lucy? - You're gonna get the entire message. Just turn them off at wherever they are. Yes, they've gone. - Thank you. Right. - Don't people know that we podcast at this time? - No, they don't. They throw, they're just willy-nilly ringing me up all hours a day and night at the swine. - Pat makes no sense to me. - Right. - And I'm sorry. - The litany, the catalogue of health issues her daughter has, Pat would be saying, you have a home birth over my dead body. - I think actually they'd have kept her in. I don't think they'd have let her home. I think if she's anemic, she's got mental health issues, which means she's going to be an unreliable. - Well, no, the health, you know, but that hasn't actually been diagnosed as such, has she? - She's been, she was going to be referred for an assessment, but either way, I just, I've said this, I said this many, many, many moons ago, but this has been the "Hell and Archer" show for a few years now. And complex character, but it isn't just this storyline I want to go now. I kind of want her just to fade into the background. I don't want her to die or anything, not mean-spirited about it, but again, this whole thing's just so incredibly lopsided because we can absolutely plot every nuance of the reason why she is, because the amount of detail she's thrown on her. What about Kenton? What about, you know, we've started saying that David is actually a boring character. Tim Benton, great actor. He actually is the fulcrum of the whole show, but he's not painted in anything like the detail that Helen is, he isn't. And the same goes with just about every other bloody character on there, and that's before you start talking about all the missing characters. You know, I have, I'm not a great Will Grundy fan, but Will Grundy in and of himself is, you know, he's had his brother take his wife, he's had all manner of ups and downs and travails, where the hell is he? I just want there to be more balance. I just want less of Helen. I just want this rob thing to end, and I just want the whole thing to be more balanced. And again, just repeating things that we said before, it shows you how unbalanced this whole thing is, where she isn't the character, she doesn't appear in the most episodes, neither actually does rob, but it's the slow pace of this whole, excuse the, I know we've got done we did a list of listening, so sorry, sorry, don't do this. - But it is, but it is. - Fucking storyline, right. That it could, it's so slow paced. And I, you know, and I don't care that in real life it would be like this. It's not real life. You know, if I want real life, I wouldn't be listening to Radio 4. (laughing) - You would have a life. - Yeah. - Wouldn't involve Radio 4. - Exactly. I don't want real life, right? I want this to ape bits of real life, to tell me, to give me lessons on how to be a better human being and how to understand from yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all of that. However, it's not real life, it's not. So, get it over with, expedite it. I don't care how you do, just do it. And then to remember there's a whole village of other characters as well, please. There you go, I wasn't gonna rant this week. I'd be so quiet. - I think we both needed it. - Yes. Right. - Oh, all right then, whew, well, I'll tell you. - It took a lifetime to find the person you wanna marry. Finding the perfect engagement ring is a lot easier. At blunile.com, you can find or design the ring you've always dreamed of with help from Blunile's jewelry experts who are on hand 24/7 to answer questions and the ease and convenience of shopping online. For a limited time, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code listen@blunile.com. That's $50 off with code listen@blunile.com. - Forging ahead together drives Colorado's pioneering spirit at Chevron, we donate funding and volunteer thousands of hours in support of the communities we call home. We also employ our neighbors to deliver the energy needed as the state's largest oil and natural gas producer. All to help improve lives in our shared backyard. That's Energy in Progress. Visit Colorado.chefron.com. - It's a cold day here in Alaska, but there's one animal seemingly unaffected. Bright-eyed and determined enters the husky. Observe as they go up the mountain guided by pure instinct. They are truly amazing masters of this wilderness. But even these amazing pets can't sign up for lemonade pet insurance. You can sign up now at lemonade.com/amazing. - But I work myself into a right lather. So I'm on the nick damn stairs, put the kettle on and I see you at the other side in five. (upbeat music) - Hello, as you know, I love Fran. It's annoying out with the twinning of Mary Ellen Ambridge. So it's with great pleasure that I can tell you about another on Todd Cordial. On Friday, March the 25th, until Monday the 28th, you can visit St. Guyain in Britain. He character saved empty dumber Jacqueline Bertho. The ordinary includes a trip to Denon, the local farmer's market, a visit to the mayor, a bake of another shenanigans. The cost is 110 pounds and this includes your accommodation dinner and breakfast. Go to www.demptydom.com to book and to view the trip. For further info, contact Jacqueline for your email, Jacqueline.bertho@yahoo.fr. It's the story of a cultural superpower that danced and sprinted its way to success. It brought the world reggie, calm power, rasters, hip hop, bob molly, much more. It's story is told to you in full color for your podcasting years. It's the story of how Jamaica conquered the world. Search for it on iTunes. How Jamaica conquered the world. It's probably the best least known podcast and podcast on. Search for it today. - I'm not going too far. - That's right. I'm just going to go with it. All right. - 1914, June, Sarajevo. The heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Assassinate, killed by a Serbian nationalist. About six weeks later, World War breaks out. Germany, Austria-Hungary, Russia, France, Britain. Everyone is drawn into its starting in August and then, well, America be drawn in. - Listen to the first show exclusively on Mixcloud Today and subscribe to us on iTunes beginning January the 18th from Washington to Obama, 10 American presidents. The new podcast from Royfield Brown. - Do you have a national trust sticker on your car? Do you think you could be best friends with Calf Kitson? Do you spend hours wandering around the airport looking for an organic quinoa cafe because you refuse to go to Burger King? Then Sarah Smith Cloths offer you, available from Sainsbury's for the posher washer. Proud sponsors of Dumty Dum. I've just had a look at the Dumty Dum shop. They've got no track suits, but they do do t-shirts, which are very flattering. Nice if you want to show off your figure a little bit. Nick couldn't carry one off, of course, but I can. - G'day, everyone. And I am absolutely shattered after a full week of Legally Blonde. I've done 44 hours over and above my normal working hours, which is full-time. But it was a great, boring success and it's all over now. And when I have finished this podcast, I'm going to have a Lillian GNT to celebrate. So first of all, I just want to start with something that's not from our page, just because I thought it was really interesting. So Linda Smith on Archer's Appreciation said, "Now, I always look at things from the veterinary perspective. "Firstly, assembling a herd from multiple disparate locations "and chucking them in together is a recipe for disaster. "All thoughts of disease problems are possible together "with a load of fighting to agree position in the herd." Secondly, the comment that half of them will be carving in the next few weeks. It is illegal to transport pregnant animals in the fur in the last 10% of their gestational period. And for cows, this is 0.9 months, which is more than three weeks. Maybe also trading standards should get involved. Local authorities are the ones that enforce this legislation. I thought that was interesting. And once again, is testimony to the intelligence of the listeners of the archers. Now, I am actually obviously very excited about Legally Blonde, but uber, uber excited because we now have 1,000 likes on our page. And I'm happy to say that as I got excited and was publishing on there that I was getting excited when we were there there, you joined in. And Jacqueline Bertos says, "Yes, I agree. "1,000, do not know where they've been "for the last 97 weeks, "but welcome to our lovely friendly archers "who now lead the world with no more 1,000." And I think that our 1,000th was Veronica Townley and she says, "Oh la, just a Mexican introduce to the archers "by my husband." And then there was a couple of other words that were not in English, which only speak English. So get on there and have a look because they all sounded rather welcoming. She's obviously pleased to be there. And yeah, so if you get onto the page, everybody is celebrating with us. So just in time for our 100th episode. So congratulations to everybody. We are a community and we achieved it. I did also ask this week about Tim Kirsty. And I think rather than read it out, you really need to go to the page. Dee Leary has put an extremely thoughtful response onto our Facebook page. So get on there and read it and maybe respond to her. She's obviously someone with a lot of experience and wisdom in this area. But others such as Rachel Hannah said loved that scene. Really powerful, still can't see a way of the storyline ending well for Helen, Henry and the new baby though. She's so resistant to help. What does everyone else think? And everyone agrees such as Jan Mitchell that she is an excellent role model. Lots of people saying they felt physically sick as Helen was manipulated into choosing a home birth by Asula and Rob, that from Carla Wood Poirier. And yep, nearly everybody either saying that they responded to it emotionally or that they angrily to Asula. So that was on our Facebook page. And on Dunte-Dum itself a nice little thread that just said hello, I'm you. Started a nice little conversation which I wish to alert you to. So that's on Dunte-Dum.com. And somebody has suggested it was Sarah Sarri. I hope I said that correctly. She says she's a huge fan of Nancy Banks-Smith and those of us who read Nancy Banks-Smith will agree with you. Am I allowed to mention her here? Absolutely, you're allowed to mention anyone who's a fan. Do hope others enjoy her wonderful writing. Her analysis of Rob as the bow constrictor hypnotizing the female characters is spot on. And her opening salvo of Ambridge shooting backwards to the good old days as if its braces were caught on the doorknob was a glory to read. And that woman has a way with words. She's suggesting when Nancy finally retires from journalism she hopes that she reappears as a member of the artist cast. What a great idea. I wonder who else we should have on. There's also a nice little talk on there about Ursula. So choose which is your communication device. Do you want to go onto our Facebook page or would you like to get onto our forum? You're welcome to be on both. I look forward very much to speaking with you next week. But until then let's pop open the shampers. Oh, the gin and tonic. You have a beer, you have a cup of cocoa. We don't mind, but we are celebrating. Congratulations. One and all. Who knew? Hey, I'm probably refreshed Lucy. And what's your tea of choice? English breakfast. Yeah, but what type of English breakfast? Yorkshire tea, hard water. Oh. How different does the hard water Yorkshire tea taste from just like the Yorkshire tea? Well, when you make normal tea with hard water, you get like a scummy thing on top. Oh, yes. And when you use the hard water tea banks, you don't. Hmm. So basically that's just lovely water, isn't it? Yes. OK. Oh, smashing. I tell you, there's a little kiddly wink when we used to come down to London, go around to me auntie vowels. She used to live in Wembley. We still does, actually. I was always horrified looking at her kettle. What? Because we didn't have a life scare. Yeah, yeah, you don't get that in Birmingham. We don't get it anywhere else in the UK. It's just kind of London. In the southeast, I think. Oh, a strange little boy looking at your auntie vowels kettle, weren't you? No, but it's one of the things you always notice when you came down to London. Everybody's kettle was just like, ooh. And black's not when you bloody knows, black's not. What? Black's not from the tube when you went on the tube. In the old days, before it was all clean, which isn't still. Black's not. Yeah. I've never heard that before. You're one of the days of steam power, or something. How old are you? What did you think I had? It's been in top half, it's walking before the past. No, when you used to go up to London, it's because I lived in the country, probably, when you used to go up to London and came home. But he knows. It was black. And it was from all the pollution. Well, I suppose I lived in a metropolis anyway. So I may be able to use the black's not. Yeah. Anyway, goodness, we were such an interesting pair of broadcasters, aren't we? [LAUGHS] I'll tell you what. Anyway, Millie, well done on the "1000th Listener." Well done, Millie Bell. Most excellent. And as always, an amazing roundup of all things to do with "Dumbly Dumb" on social media. But now it's time for-- I think your house is taking off. Oh, yes. [LAUGHS] Hold on, I'm always behind you then. Private. Lucy, do we just go to the end of the show now? No, we've got top five hashtag arches tweets of the week. Have you really? Yes. Funny that, because when we started the show, you hadn't got any. I know, I'd forgotten that, no. Ah. Maybe we had to delay the start of the show. For you to find your hashtag the arches tweets of the week. Go, go, go. Now, candida-beaching. Plot prediction. Not the first I know, but Helen is going to die from pre-it clampsia from the home bath. Hashtag #killrobb, hashtag killer-sula. [LAUGHS] She's a very good firstie. Candida, kill everybody. Angela Funkarooni said Dusty's substances was said she was fed up with feeling upset about the arches. And that she didn't cry at. But she didn't cry. Dusty's substance refuses to cry at any of the things that other people cry at. And Angela said, I cried when the Fergie went-- [LAUGHS] Mrs. Trellis said to encourage Rob to think again about a home birth, I shall be performing a home vasectomy and a little home root canal work. [LAUGHS] Ah, home vasectomy. I like the sound of that Paul Truman 74, hero of Dunty Dun, said Tom knows. Deep down, way down there inside, below his sausages and his secret burning love for Jazza, he knows. Oh. Always in the times today. Is he? Yeah. Yeah. Good. Bob Hawkins said, Roy Tucker is the night manager. [LAUGHS] Have you been watching that? I saw a bit of it. It's very good. Tom Hiddleston, I love him. Yeah. And Andrew Michael, money and media, said, the only way Tom is going to tweak what is wrong is if Helen describes recent goings on through the medium of sausage. [LAUGHS] He's been rather restrained about sausage talk recently, hasn't he? He has. Yeah, as you go, you go, keep credit where credit's due. Is that just about it? It is just about it. All right, smashing. I'm going to crack on and get to the end of this show. OK. I'm saving up all my-- I'm saving all my firepower for the hundreds next week, Lucy. Are you feeling nervous yet? No. No, you never are, are you, your kid? I'm nervous for both of you. Wasn't my kid. Because I have-- I've got a week to look forward to. I'm turning stomach adrenaline spasm, doesn't it? That's because you're the talent, Lucy. No, it is not. It's because I react really badly to nerves. And you just sail through blithely, teflon boy. No, no, no. It's because you're the talent, right? And part of your creative process is to be a bundle of nerves and that kind of-- and then have that energy, then create the genius that is your monologues. Huh. Everyone's only coming out to see you anyway. Rush. Anyway, crack on. No, I'd like to explore this a little bit more. No, don't, because it might be go all funny again. All right, then. Remember, you can add articles to our site, which is dumbydum.com. You can comment on the shows. You can message other listeners. And go on to our forum and you can do stuff. Go on to dumbydum.com today. Sign up and log in. Now, this week we've had no iTunes reviews. None from Australia, none from Canada, none from the US, and none from Japan, none from anywhere on Planet Earth. And I don't think that's just a little bit sad, considering next week is going to be a hundredth. People should be saying-- Maybe everyone in the world has done one now. There's no one in the world. Now, there's 7 billion people on Planet Earth, of which-- let's say half of those have access to the internet. Right. OK, so there is no way that everyone on Planet Earth has done a dumbydum review. There's probably at least seven, though, that haven't listened to dumbydum. We have all over Planet Earth on the different iTunes stores, 237 reviews. Now, good people. You don't have to give us anything other than a little bit of your time. Please, in the next seven days, if you haven't done one already, just write a review to say happy 100th. That'd be lovely. Go into iTunes, go do that. Now, remember. Remember, remember, remember. It is 100th episode next week. And we record it in front of a live studio audience. [GASPS] That's you at the BBC bar next to the podcasting house in central London. Sorry, I had a momentary spasm again. Tickets are free and they're available from eventbrights.com. There are 10 left. But once we reach that 10, we cannot let anyone else in because they won't let us. So sign up now to avoid disappointment, or possibly revel in disappointment when you actually get there. On Monday, the 7th of March, the 16th from 7 to 10. Yes, there are drinks, by the way. It is a bar, so there are drinks. And there is also food. And message from Derek, please get your calls in by Sunday because he doesn't want-- if he's going to be man handling his unfeasibly large equipment all day on Monday, he can't be doing calls as well. So we have to get them all over to him on Sunday. And then we will play the calls out on the-- we'll play them out to the audience so everyone can hear what we're hearing when we respond. Awesome. Oh, yes. And we have some hot, dumb tiddler news. Sophie, who's at Violet_Kite on the twitches, thanked us for helping get her through the last few weeks awaiting the birth of her new dumb tiddler, Rosa Olivia. She's very sweet. She's very sweet. God's worth who is at LucyD121 on the twitters, posted. Podcast and breastfeeding don't mix poor infant, literally propelled off of the boob as I was laughing so much. So remember, if you have a kiddo who is forced to listen to dummy dumb, tell us and they can join the ranks of the dumb diddlers. And also, if you'd like to help keep our show on the road, there are two ways that this can be done, Lucy. You can go to patreon.com/dumptydome and find us to support the show for $2, or if you want to simply donate, you can go to dumptydum.com and hit the donate button on the site. And this week, we'd like to thank Rachel Tolhurst, who joined the ranks of the Patreons. Remember to get in contact with us. You can send us a voice message via Speakpipe. We can do that by going on to dumptydum.com, or you can call us on 03031 3105 to leave us a telephonic message. You can find us on social media, specifically Twitter, where we're @dumptydum. I'm also @royfield, who's spelled R-O-I for India-F-I-E-L-D. Me, I'm at Lucy B. Freeman, or Ansera Smith, is @sera_smith. And finally, you can join us on the book of Face, where we are dumptydum, and we have 1,003 like our lurkers. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Well done, Millie Bell, for that. Yes, she has just done an amazing job. And welcome to all you new likeers on Facebook. Looking forward to chatting with you all soon. Yeah, absolutely. A little Rosa Olivia, who is so good. Do you think she's on Facebook? Probably. No, you've got to be 13 before you're on Facebook. She's like 13 hours old or something, but not Lucy. They wouldn't have her on. Okay. But no, that's absolutely lovely picture. You've got so many little retweets. So good, so good, so good. Just in and so good. Thousands of winter deals are in Nordstrom Rack stores now. And that means thousands of fresh reasons to rack. Because we get the latest trends for way less. Because I've been looking for these. Because the best deals go fast. Save big with up to 60% off. Sam Edelman, Sorrell, Free People, Colhan, and more cold weather finds. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. Forging ahead together drives Colorado's pioneering spirit. At Chevron, we donate funding and volunteer thousands of hours in support of the community's we call home. We also employ our neighbors to deliver the energy needed as the state's largest oil and natural gas producer. All to help improve lives in our shared backyard. That's energy and progress. Visit colorado.chephron.com. How many retweets and likes of that? All right, so that's I think I'm done. Because I just want to get down and edit this mama jammer. Okay. All right. Toodaloo. Bye. [ Silence ]

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