DumTeeDum - A show about BBC Radio's 'The Archers'

Dumteedum - 90 - Merry Xmas to all

A bumper Christmas present arrives out of the ether, just about midnight, in Abu Dhabi whilst waiting to board the Dreamliner home. Huge Christmas good wishes are present throughout the podcast to listeners, workers, shirkers & callerinerers.Oddly no-one expressed any real surprise that the wedding went ahead. Less surprising is the way many of the sufferings of the last year have been magically "kissed better". The Grundies are home with the turkeys all sold, Pip and Dan have pulled crackers, the happy Snell family are all home, Susan is no longer over exposed and we think Route B has been cancelled, but is Roy divorced?I agree with Roifield, many businesses have December year ends. Other businesses make decisions in December as they take 3 months to implement. So there Lucy; although we are pleased that you will emerge from behind your massive teapots. And if you thought David's decision was big wait until you hear this week's big decision!I remain unsure if Roifield ought to be called out for allegedly using a pervy voice; he does however respond very robustly to Lucy although I thought this was a family listening podcast. Particularly as Roifield left in the time nickers which probably belong to Clara Oswald.KosmoSadly returned from Thailand. Etihad business class is very comfortable though. Off to Aus and NZ soon.On this week’s episode we have calls from Harry Clarke, captain of the Dumteediddlers, Amy Gilbert, Andrew Horn, Catherine Baigent, Aunty Jean and Nosila who bring Christmas greetings!Yokelbear who says it’s the Rob showDusty Substances who doesn’t think it’s going to be a happy ChristmasMoiness who has a poemSara Browne who is waiting for Richard Locke to blow things apartAnd we get a special angle on Ian, Charlie and Adam from Becky Black Books.

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Duration:: 1h 33m
Broadcast on:: 24 Dec 2015
Audio Format:: other

Hey I'm Ryan Reynolds, recently I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation, they said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous to your contracts, they said what the f*ck are you talking about? You insane Hollywood f*ck. So to recap we're cutting the price of Mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month, new customers on first three month plan only, taxes and fees extra, speed slower above 40 gigabytes of details. Kenny's family healthcare benefits kicked in the day he started his hourly job at Amazon. But two kids, he was a big fan of that. Then he took advantage of Amazon's on-the-job skills training program that helped him launch a new career in software development. Kenny liked that too. That led to a bigger paycheck, so he was able to get his youngest son a drum roll please. Drum set. Next up, drum lessons. Learn more at about amazon.com. Amazon. Everyday Better. This podcast is a Royfield Brown production. Find others on iTunes. Alright, yeah I know. At Bridge Farm Cafe, we always use Sarah Smith cloths. When I was at Brookfield, I only had those nasty blue and white ones. But these are vintage, like our furniture. Balance sets, I have to call our cakes vintage, not style. Sarah Smith for the pusher washer. I'm Harry Clarke. Age 7. I've just started listening to the archers. Greetings to all Dumpty Dummers, Royfield, Lucy and everyone involved with the show, listeners, lurkers, shurkers, whoever you are. Andrew Horn here. It's been a wonderful year, I think, to have such a group of people making such erudite comments, not falling out, differences of views, but one big family without resorting to food fights. Brilliant stuff. Roll on 2016 and the demise of teaching up. Happy Christmas. This is Dummy Dumpty show about the reality of drama that has sent it an ambridge in the heart of the Midlands on the Christmas cracker that is Royfield Brown. With me out of the Christmas pudding that is Lucy Freeman and the last part of our very Merry Christmas to all Dunby Dummers is you. Now Lucy, before we start with the show, can we just applaud Chris Lewis for his Christmas tale on the best best bit show? Chris, that was awesome. All levels are fantastic. And thank you to everybody who's kind of like tweeted and have Facebook and said how much they enjoyed that show. You know, we put all the funny bits together, didn't we? Yes, all the good bits, so it only was quite short, wasn't it really? It was long enough. Do you know what I laughed all over again at Doofus? I'll shut up. I had completely forgotten about Herbal Lake. I'd completely forgotten. Oh, I loved Herbal Lake. And I'd forgotten how good Mary not Contreary's voice was. Yes, it was good. Yes. Anyway, lots of fun. And because of a bit of an editing oversight or an editing snafu, today's Dummy Dumpty Dumpty is from Harry Clark, Chief Dummy Diddler. Because Harry and Hannah, Anna, his mum, he should have been in the best of bits because I absolutely adored that Dummy Dum. And somehow, things got snafu'd. So we put you on this one. So well done, Harry Clark, age seven. And we've got some tip-top Dummy Diddle and news later on, don't we Lucy? We do, apparently. News to me, but yes, I'm sure we have. But Lucy, before we get to the Dummy Diddle and news, can you remind our wonderful, wondrous, growing each week band of Dummy Dum listeners how that when they are played of Dummy Dumpty of the week? Yes, if you would like to sing us a Dummy Dumpty Dum, give us a plot prediction or take a picture of your genitals and then cover it with small silver stars. And why wouldn't you at Christmas? Then ring us on 0-2-0-3-0-3-1-3-1-0-5, we'll leave us a message on Speakpipe. Thanks to lovely Shambu, which is for her amazing voices. Thank you. To Cosmo for his podcast roundups and Sarah Smith for sponsoring us, who you say? Thank you, too. I say thank you to them. Oh, okay. You don't normally. But it's like the Christmas show. Okay. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you also to Derek for learning the back bedroom. Not so thank you to him. Okay. Derek has done all his Christmas cards and posted both of them. Want a Nigel Farage and want a Prince Philip? Neither of them sent him one, but he did get one from Virgin Media saying, "Dear homeowner, so that's a 100% increase in cards over last Christmas." Well done, Derek. His charm offensive is working. Less charm, more offensive, basically. I got one Christmas card this year. Did you? Only one? From you? From me? Yes. I got one. I got one. It's on my mantelpiece. With my one birthday card. Which wasn't from me because I forgot. On this week's episode, we have calls from Harry Clark, Captain of the Dumb Diddlers, Amy Gilbert, Andrew Horn, Catherine Beigeon, Aunty Jean, and Nozilla, who bring Christmas greetings. Yoko Bear, who says, "It's the Rob Show." Dusty Substances, who doesn't think it's going to be a happy Christmas. Moineness, who has a poem, Sarah Brown, who is waiting for Richard Luck to blow things apart, and we have a special angle on Ian, Charlie and Adam from Becky Black Books. But first, before all of that, it's Lucy Ducey Freeman and her week in Ambridge. Rob appeared to glory over the disaster that was going to be the wedding, but happily Ian wasn't going to let a little thing like infidelity, inviting himself a life to a faithless, spineless, selfish book, stopping from pissing Rob right off by going ahead and getting married just to spite him. So Rob cheered himself up by telling Helen she was fat instead. It was the world's most half-hearted widow. I know they wanted Loki, but honestly, I have had smear tests that had more of a party atmosphere. Ian made his vows through gritted teeth, Charlie. After he realized no one was going to go berserk, arrive on a motorbike, and carry him away, had half of olive on and left, Rob sulked, Jenny got pissed and remembered what she'd said last time she was pissed and who to. But thankfully the whole thing was saved by Alison Christopher, who with a life and soul of a party, just never stopped talking. Brian is getting quite antsy now about Lillian's continued presence at home farm. Although his agitation could have been centred around whatever was making that humming noise during his conversation with Lillian over breakfast. It'll rude of her to leave her appliance in while talking to Brian, but she's a busy woman. Anyway, there is no way she is going to leave home farm just before Christmas, not when there is the exciting prospect of Jenny having half of Bailey's and describing Brian's sexual technique and bank account details and graphic detail. Plus, she can't remember where she lives now, it's all got so confusing. Burt's living at the archers, Docky Locky's living at the Grundy's, the Grundy's are living at Carolines, Kirsty's living at Roy's, Andbridge is full of people wandering around with all their belongings in suitcases, knocking on doors and saying, "Is it this one?" You just pop to the shop, come back and a different family's moved in. Pip now seems to be keeping Rex, Toby and Matthew on a running rotor system. Good for her! Jill sounded delighted that romance was only offing with Matthew, but then she'd be ecstatic if Pip settled down with Fred West rather than one of the fair brothers. Pip and Matthew went off to find a car for the Nativity. They were looking for one with the stage presence of a young Julie Christie, coupled with the brooding intensity of Mark Reilance, along with a low likelihood of it crapping all the way up the aisle. Shula was tasked with finding the Nativity donkey. Being a thorough woman, she decided to do her research and googled young donkey with star quality, and spent the rest of her afternoon quite glued to her computer. After Alice Derrard come home and ruined the mood by shouting horse paintings, she potted off to see Dr. Lock, who is going to have to invest in a couple of rock vilers and some electrified fence to keep the woman out. He's tried hiding and pretending to be out when she comes round, but she just clambes over the fence and smashes a window. Anyway, this visit prompted one of the most bizarre cuts I've ever heard in the archers. One minute we were listening to Henry being a sheep, and the next second we cut to a scene where Rich was telling Shula a story about a top coming off and getting stuff all over him. "Anyway," said Shula, fanning herself, "I want you to have a party as I was going to go to Carol Tobogans, but it got cancelled as soon as they realized I was coming. So you have it instead, as now I have a gap in my diary, and I'll invite all the people I know. That'll be nice for you, won't it? What kind of universe does this happen in? Not one I live in, thank God." And now, Adam and Ian have tied the knot. Charlie has kept true to his promise of not interfering and genuinely wishing them the best, not. Does the phrase "give up gracefully" mean nothing to you, Charlie? He's hanging round the village, staring mournfully at Adam like a dog looking at a turkey drumstick, and occasionally sidling up to him, saying, "I meant it, you know, I meant it, that I wanted you to be happy. I'm going to leave you alone now. Goodbye. I said stop leaving. I'm gone. We're up and down." Linda is decorating the house ready for little mango when he comes down, because one year olds love spiky poise and the sparrows, they just love them. And the calendars are done. Susan is showing something she shouldn't have done. Her pin number? Her fillings? God knows. I'm guessing nipple. Anyway, Paul Linda is trying to cope with nip slips and gene Harvey, who sounds a bigger tit than Susan is showing. Lillian told Jean she was a prima donor, Elizabeth agreed, and Linda said, "Did anyone ever wonder why she put herself through this every year? We all ask that every sodding year, Linda." Hooty-jill invited Elizabeth and all the lower Locksleys to Brookers, as now we can have a proper family Christmas, she said tactlessly. "Now we've got these invading people from other families out of the way, just people who are definitely archers. Not big funny, but we'll be taking blood tests at the door." Meanwhile, you know, last week when I said David Mobi might like to think about not making any massive decisions while Ruth was away? Like maybe not giving up the dairy and sacking his daughter? Why on earth makes such a colossal decision four days before Christmas? Oh well, hey ho, let's hope Jill keeps him in enough of a carbohydrate coma to stop him before he decides the only sensible thing to do is sacrifice Josh to appease the gods of the New Year. The end. Oh, I quite liked it this week. I think, you know, what do you think? I think this is stupid. Stupid, it is stupid. What? You don't, nobody makes any massive business decisions around Christmas. April is when you make big decisions because that's the end of the fucking, excuse the language, financial year. No, why would you, why would he suddenly decide? After a year of kind of emotion, a bit of economic turmoil, Ruth B selling the house, getting the money, Ruth, da, da, da, da, that, you know, the week before Christmas when his wife is on the other side of the world, his co-manager, that is the time he's suddenly going to decide to get out of dairy. All triggered by a family, we're also giving up dairy, who for all we know could be completely incompetent financial managers. April is the time you decide you don't even have your end of year figures at Christmas. Well, to be fair to David Archer, I'm going to, I'm going to take the slight, under slight task with the fact you never make any important financial decisions just for Christmas. I'll have, you know, Key's House charity have decided to take me on for three months in your consultancy and marketing two days ago. So that's just before Christmas, and that's a big financial decision because it means that Christmas can now happen in the brown household because Christmas has been put on hold on. Number one, number two, that Ruth Archer. And I know that Cosmo has got a somewhat much more thought out and reasoned, and crusser, nobody's crusser than Cosmo. But Ruth has obviously been removed to New Zealand so that David can make this decision. And it had just been removed to New Zealand, he says some kind of plot device, because actually it makes no sense. It makes no sense that she just lost her mother, her one, the one remaining person of her family other than her children, because she has no family, does she? No. She keeps on saying, I have no family. So to get over the loss of your mother and of your family, you're going to absent yourself from your own children at Christmas. Yeah. It makes no sense. How old is a little one now, Ben? It's about 14, 15, 14. It's not old, is it? It could even be 13, because he's quite literally, he's still a bit charged. There is absolutely nowhere in high heaven. If all the times to think about family and loss, it's going to be, excuse the French, bloody Christmas, and you're going to want to spend it with your own children. Yes. You know, under my dad died, I just wanted to get as far away from everybody and everything as I possibly could. And if somebody had given me a ticket to New Zealand, I would have been off like a setting shot. But I would have not gone because of my children, or I would have taken them with, I mean, you know, it's all sort of academic, but you know, leaving your children is a huge thing. Exactly. Now, I was going to say exactly, literally the same thing, that yes, a mother has died, it's been traumatic, she's been up and down the motorway to Prudha for months, so she's exhausted. And then, on top of that was this whole nonsense, well, you understood it. And I thought this was a great bit of writing, and that is why we are absolutely blessed when we come to listen to the arches, because you understood the reason why David and Pip were making decisions in absence of Ruth. You understood it. Whether it was right or wrong, you understood it and it made sense. You understood as well. And Claire from Scotland said that maybe what Ruth needed was actually to be included in the decision, so she could help to get over the loss of a mother and to put this in perspective, et cetera, and to help her with her grief. You understood it completely from both angles. So, a mother has just died, it's a few weeks before Christmas, does it make sense to go off and have a break? Yes, but you wouldn't then extend it over Christmas. You can't then say you are not including me or on decisions to do with the farm and forget your anniversary. You can't have it both ways. No. And this bit doesn't quite ring true for me. It doesn't ring true at all. I don't because whether we think that she's too earnest and boring and whatever we want to think about Ruth, she actually feels like a regular person who you can believe in. This, I don't believe. No. I do not believe. No, I agree. Yeah. I mean, she's not leaving, is she? The actress, do we know? I've no idea. I've no idea. I was trying to work out. Is this something that... Oh, I'll tell you what they do. On The Walking Dead, that, you know, popular zombie show, right? There's quite a few podcasts with people kind of analyzing it. And what they do to tell whether an actor is being killed off, they basically analyze pictures of them in the last week and what their hair's like. Because if their hair is changed, they go, "Ha, ha." That actor is going to be eaten by a zombie. Okay. Not so helpful on the radio, really. No. Not so helpful. But I just thought I'd throw that one in there. Yeah. That's a very, very helpful, Ruth. Thanks so much. So if anybody knows what her hair is like, it will make absolutely bugger all difference to anything. But thanks. Because I was thinking, what would happen? Say she leaves. Yeah. Then... Yeah, I was just thinking, you know at the moment, he's yacking on about getting rid of Pip. What about if Pip, if Ruth leaves, if they get, if they split up, Ruth decides to stay in New Zealand, sells her half of the farm and Pip takes it on and they run it as father and daughter? It's all too bonkers for me. It's too bonkers. I don't just mean what you've just said. Right. But the setup is bonkers. I need to absent myself from this because he just don't make no sense to me. I'm still in the, but she just wouldn't let alone then to go on, you know, what you're doing is a logical kind of progression of thought from that. But it's just a crazy place to start. She would have come back full stop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just full stop. And if they are going to somehow write her out, I'd be massively surprised because we have it on good authority that David and Ruth are supposed to be the moral center. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. Everything else kind of revolves around that. And you can, you can clearly see, or at least we were led to believe that in the last year, you can see the line that Pip is being groomed to succeed from, from Maron Parr eventually. And so she's being painted at this competent farmer. Though, you know, you kind of understand in wiser kind of farming heads have seen that she has made some mistakes, which doesn't quite know everything. She still needs help, but she's competent. She's kind of into it. And then we've got introduced into it even, you know, another, you've got a herd man. So she's going to have the repeated pattern of a mother, because a mother came as the herd person and then, you know, then got with David. Yeah. So it was going to, you know, echoes of the past, et cetera, et cetera. But still, they dare say the needs to be a Ruth. And I just do not believe that there is any other way that this story can go other than she will come back at some point. There will be some level of friction, which we've gone for some time. It'll bore us all to high heaven. And then she'll just, like, you know, David and Ruth will just shuffle back to their kind of normal, normal position. Yeah. Yeah. You know, as I've, as I've said before, I've got immense respect for Mr, Mr. Ben Tink as an actor, and he's a thoroughly nice decent chap, but... He's shocking at general knowledge, though. Why'd you say that? Did you not see an university challenge yesterday? No. Anyway, I didn't see it, but it was all over the twitters. He was on university challenge. He was represented at the University of East Anglia, and he ended up with minus 95 points. Well, the team that they were opposite got something like 398 million or something. Oh, wow. You know what? To be fair to the man. It's one thing to answer questions of general knowledge, and nothing completely when there's studio lights beamed down on you. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. You know, and, you know, the pressure of the moment, you know. I'm sure if he's asked, you know, what is your name? You're probably at that point, say, David Archer. So, shall we? Lucy. Crack on with some festive dum-dee-dum calls. Yes. Hello, Ambridge 3962. Right, then, who's first up? Yokele Bear. Hello, Gumpstom, it's Yokele Bear here. I've actually got something to say that I need to get off my chest, and it's about the storyline that shall not be named. I think we've tipped over a big edge, and I think it's becoming clear amongst the Twitter's followers and, you know, an online that I think a lot of the listeners are struggling with this. In that, the archers has recently become not what it was, and a story of everyday rural folk, etc. It's now a drama based around a gaslighting sociopath and some people that happen to be around him. It's essentially the Rob show now. It's just permeating everything, and to be honest with you, I think Blythe Spirit was right last week. I've gone through kind of a bit of a process over the storyline. First of all, I was kind of, you know, always a bit of a comedy villain until we found out about the gaslighting, and then it got really uncomfortable, and then I got really bored, and now I've gone into anger, because every time Rob's on, every time this storyline's there, I'm sat there thinking, "Yeah, this is not what it's about," and also as well, there are so many characters that have been squeezed out by this story. Where's Alice? Where's Chris? Where's Josh? Where's Ben? Where's, you know, we've no longer got Mike and Vicki. You know, there was all these brilliant characters, well, maybe not brilliant in some cases, but characters that made up the whole of the kind of community. It was kind of like dipping in to this big kind of community of people, and it's just shrunk down and down and down and down until it's pretty much just about a couple of, you know, a couple of characters, not even a few families, just a couple of characters, and what I'm struggling with is this, is that as it stands, I'm not sure I want to carry on listening to the archers whilst this plot line's going on, because every episode's just making me angry now. Don't go Yoko Bear. Is this the same Yoko Bear that's putting out on the Twitter some kind of poll about, you know, you've had enough of this storyline? Probably, I don't know, I haven't looked. I've seen Yoko Bear in kind of a state of some undress. I have it. Yes. Why? It's a whole lot of man. That's all I'm saying. How have you seen that? Well, he sent it through for the Dumb B Dumb calendar. Yes. He's draped in like someone's curtain. Okay. Yeah, he kind of looks like Rodan's the thinker. And yeah, he's got like his Auntie Mabel's curtain wrapped around him. You know, he kind of looks almost like a super duper Marvel baddie. And all I can say, boys is hubber, hubber, hubber. Oh, no, whatever sends me naked, don't anyone send me naked pictures. But why don't, why don't you get them all? Because you pretended you were going to do a calendar as a ruse to get people to send pictures of themselves in the nip. I've got more pictures that I don't know what to do with. So this thing, which Dumb B Dumb listener, I thought was actually just never going to happen in a million years. I think we're like maybe one short of a full calendar. Really? It's been an observation. Is that like one picnic, one sandwich short of a picnic? Well, yes. I don't. One picture short of a calendar. We're one month short of a calendar. Yeah. Can we just skip February? February shit. Nobody likes February. That's very true. A dreadful month. I know it is. I don't know if I said this last week. And it's only short. No one would miss it. You know, calendar isn't fit for purpose if it's missing 28 days, Lucy. We could just have 29 next week. We could just knock two days off all the others. I tell you, we have some very tasteful. Really? Tasteful listeners. Yes. Are we going to have to get the little sticky stars out for anybody? No. Well, unfortunately, no. Have you not got little sticky stars out? All I can say is Jacqueline Bertow. Beautifully composed, beautifully lit. Yes. Yes. You know, behind a sewing machine. And then Artie Jean goes full agricultural with a spade. You know, I was going to do one. I said to Simon, what should I do? He said, I'll take the picture. So I said, what should I do? And he said, this was a text conversation. He said, two massive teapots. And I said, what should I, what should I hide them behind? You have to do it, Lucy. You know, it's the stage. The men in Midlingeland demand it. They don't. They demand. Yes, they'd pay good money not to see it. I think anyway. Well, let's, let's threaten them with it. Yeah, we raise more money by threatening. So is that answered Yoko Beres' call? I don't know. Sorry, Yoko Beres. Well, he's saying what everyone's saying that it's, you know, it's all about, um, it's all about, uh, Robbie Rob Rob Rob and no one else is getting a look in. But he did say something that, that really resonated with me. He said, it used to be about dipping into a community of characters. And now it's, it's dipping into a very small pool of not even families, but just, you know, five or six characters. I do hope they widen it out again, because I don't like, I don't like it. But anyway, there we go. And we're not going to talk about that again, because, uh, it's due depressing, quite frankly, uh, listening to that, that storyline, capital T, capital S, um, which is why Sarah Brown's call comes as rare and refreshing fruit. Oh, you know what? I tell you what, it's rare and refreshing fruit. Sarah Brown calling in. Exactly. First time all year. Do you remember when she first called? Speech pipe. It took us six goes or something. I don't know what was going on. Hello, Dunty Dun, it's Sarah Brown here. Happy Christmas and everything to everybody. I am suffocating and icing sugar and drowning in brandy, just a little bit like Jill Archer, I dare say at the moment. I'm thrilled to bits with the arches at the moment, and I'm thrilled to bits with you carrying out your nefarious activities in the background there too. I love the Robin Helen story. I'm sure that it's going to be blown apart by Richard Locke very shortly. In some kind of pillow talk, post-coital event, with only luck, that will be a laugh. I think that Joe will pop his clogs in the Ingle look. I think that will be rather sweet. I think that Ruth will start a lesbian affair if she hasn't already down under. And I also think that really next year, Linda should bite the bullet and do a production of the vagina monologues. I think that would be fantastic. Anyway, other than that, I think because I'm ringing up on this machine rather than on the usual more glamorous speech-pipe thing or whatever it's called, which seems to have popped its own clogs for me this morning, just wishing you all the best everything and all the festive what fits and tons of love to all of you. Okay, bye. But remember when she first called in, she was a revelation, wasn't she? I know. With her husky tones. She hasn't said to picture is she? Oh, I'll tell you what, right? That'd be pinned up right next to my pen. And don't like it when you use your pervy voice. It's very disconcerting. Pervy voice. When you go, "Oh, I'll tell you what, I'll move." I'd just prefer that one with my little boy Shkiigal. What, you're Alan Carl voice? Fuck off. And it's a Christmas fuck off from Russia. Oh, what did Sarah Brown said, Sarah Brown speaking? What'd she say? She said that she is nothing, a storyline, and the thing I love about Sarah Brown is that she doesn't take any of this remotely seriously. I don't know how she does it, but she seems to be able to just completely divorce herself, probably because she is a bit of a director herself. And I think in the same way that Catherine Bajan can when she looks at story arcs and things like that, I think that she can divorce herself from what is actually, she can divorce herself from the emotional tugs that the rest of us just get sort of, you know, have our sort of, our senses appeal to kind of thing. And we feel anxious or we feel completely in the mercy of the script writers, because we don't have the sort of dramatic resilience to resist worrying about Helen, and despite all my big talk about imagining the studio and then recording it and all that kind of thing, which I do try and do. But we do get sort of tossed around on this sea of emotion, but Sarah Brown just doesn't, she said it's brilliant, it's so good, it's, you know, Rob is a fantastic character, it's been written really well, it's really exciting, and I can't wait to see what happens, and you know, there is no hand-ringing in there as well, it's Sarah Brown speaking here now. He has been written fantastically well, and as I think it was Glenn Fuller Love said many, many, many moons ago, if you look at every kind of plot point in terms of her, his reaction to Helen, not maybe not everyone, but a lot of them, his reaction could actually be viewed as quite plausible. Yeah. Now, you know what, he's a controlled and evil bastard, he's the Dark Lord, but Helen is actually having a rough pregnancy. So viewed from the outside, you know, him saying, well, why don't you just lie in bed, could seem as big, quite wise. Yeah, yeah. But the thing that has been given, but here's my point now, but here's my point, and it's only what I've been saying for the last three podcasts, Kenton, The Grundes, all the other characters who've had trauma this year, we're not getting the ins and the outs and the subtleties and the reflect writing in them. No. That's, that's my problem with all of this. He's written fantastically well, and it shows you what a wealth of incredibly talented script writers we have. They've just devoted too much resource towards it. And that's the reason why we're fatigued, because in terms of the length of the story arc, I think in terms of maybe doggy dramas, it probably is a bit long, but it feels three times longer. Yeah, because it's so awful to listen to. Yeah. It's the detail that's gone through. Whereas, you know, I've said this before, Kenton touches of alcoholism, touches of mental breakdown, touches of bankruptcy, arguably three times more of the material that has gone into potential material than the Robin Helen storyline. And we haven't heard of him literally for months. That's my problem with it. Yep. Yep. Agreed. Sarah is also quite excited at the prospect of Ruth going lesbian down under. Oh, do you think she's going to go lesbian with a Samantha to have the echoes of the Sam? Yeah. Um, yes. So there we are. Um, next. Hi, Dante, Dan. It's good. It's Steve. I've snuggled up in bed after another bloody night shift, wanting to wish all my Dante dramas a very happy Christmas and a very happy new year. And even some of the arches people though, I would say Tim Bentink, lovely as you are not choosing me for my public quiz now. You are on the team, but not now after. The appallingness of university challenge. Um, holiday year is yet to come. It'll be the bit where Robert Titchinob gets killed by his mother for producing an heir that is actually female because it will turn out that it wasn't a little penis on the scan. It was a horn. I was like, I was like, okay, this is what I sound like when I'm totally sleep deprived because I've been working. So I beg her back to bed because I am working, working tonight as well. And there are only so many times I can ask somebody if they've got so many stuck in their back passage without laughing if I haven't had any sleep. All right. Thank you so much for the podcast, you lot. Thank you so much for your company. And most importantly, you know, who you are. We've the Sam Mary Dee, G Gita, Gita. I can't remember. I'll just pronounce it. All of you. Mrs. Benton, Dante, Gene, everybody. Thank you so much for being just amazing. And such a support to each other and to yourselves and everybody else all year, especially around the Robin Helen line. And thank you so much, Roy Field and Lucy, for bringing this past of misfits together so we can we can be a family. So from my family to your family and to our family. Happy Christmas. That is deep throughout. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to everybody. We'll probably say this at the end, but thank you to all the caller in us. I'm saying Merry Christmas to everybody that doesn't live in Swindon because I ate the place. Okay. Right. Well, I'm saying, Merry Christmas to everybody. I don't care where they're from, but that doesn't come from Dummy Dum. That comes from you. That's just me. Yeah, obviously speaking on behalf. Views, views only represent myself. Hello. It's dusty substances here. They're wrong sorts of listed with a bit of a head cold. So I'm sorry if I sound a bit muffled. I'd like to wish everyone a happy Christmas, but I don't think from an arches point of view, it's likely to be unalloyed joy. I fear very much for Helen. While I'm desperate for this storyline to conclude desperate convinced I'm going to hate the finale as much as I've hated every second of the build up to it. I think it's going to be violent. Oh, hate it. I've also got a premonition that Joe is going to die poignantly in his own bedroom or in his own chair back at Grange Farm now over the festive period. He might hang on until the anniversary episode, I suppose, but horrible. Anyway, on the plus side, I'm very much looking forward to calendar girls. I think it's going to be a hoot. And I'm still fostering a tiny little hope that Ruth will make a new life for herself in New Zealand. There was that hint of Sam, wasn't there? So let's cross everything for that, but I'm not holding my breath. I think that's probably it. So I'd like to wish a very happy Christmas to Lucy, Royfield, all the cholera inners, and everyone who just listens have a wonderful time. And thank you for a lovely year of listening. Dusty substances does not think this is going to be a good Christmas for Helen. What? Can I just say something about Dusty? What? All right. Now people have to picture this, but she wrote this. Before people go, Royfield, you're just a perv, as you just kind of insinuated, right? I didn't insinuate. I think I said it. Well, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I'm not. Well, I suppose pervness is in the eye of the beholder, isn't it? Of the pervedover. Mmm. Very much so. I'm going to read this direct from the book of Face. Dusty substances responding my call to get people to call in for the show, right? I've just done this in the knickers, as it were. So just as that, have that as a picture, everybody. So she means in the nick of time. That's what you say in the knickers of time. Oh. Oh, you know what? You're right. There's not a K there. No. That's what you got. That's what you get if you dyslexic. No, that's what you get if you're a pervert and you see knickers everywhere. Oh, damn it. I've fallen into that one. Yeah. All right. Fair dues. Hoist by your own. Patard there. I'll just edit that bit out. Hey, I've discovered two things. Yes. Today's revelations. Oh. One. Well, actually both. One, two. We have been saying two people's names wrong for the entire flipping year. You have. How do you say moinus? You don't say it. Moinus. You say it. Moinus. Oh. And nozilla is nozilla. As well. So we're crap. Sorry, everybody. But if you will have these clever, clever, flipping Twitter names, what do you expect? Quite frankly. Anyway, dusty substances with or without her, knickers, says that the the deni was a very good ability to go down. So is that jokes fallen flat loosing? Yeah. Well, there'll be a lot of people sitting at home baffled as to why I've suddenly brought dusty substances knickers into it. Um, uh, the daily moral of Robin Helen is going to be Christmas. She reckons and she thinks it's going to be violent and horrible for Helen. I don't know. I don't care. I do care. I just hope it's quick. And oh, can I do my plot prediction? Go on. I had this plot prediction, right? Idea that suddenly struck me in the middle of Berlin. And I was supposed to be concentrating on other things. And I was not sophisticated, aren't you? No. And I had to rush off. Yeah, you are. No, look, when you're supposed to be concentrating on a museum about the fall of the Eastern block, you should not be suddenly having a plot prediction about the archers. That is not sophisticated. That is moronic, quite frankly. Anyway, I had to dash off and write it on my notebook because I suddenly, I think that the end is going to come for, uh, Robington. Does he work for the Starsy? But no, via Richard Locke, Docky Locky, and Elizabeth, because Elizabeth has got history, I've got, has got domestic violence history, because of horrible Cameron. Yes. And I think she is going to, yeah, no, he wasn't. Scottish Scottish. No, the Canadian was the other fella. The Canadian was Debbie's. Um, this was Cameron Fraser and he got a bit pandy, didn't he? Yeah, he did. He lamped her. But no, yes, he did. And then he lamped Debbie and then Debbie called the police and all that stuff. Anyway, um, I think that, uh, that some that, um, her Helen is going to do something that Rob will perceive as contrary to Rob's wishes that Rob will perceive as jeopardizing the health of the baby. Rob will lash out at Helen and hurt her. Elizabeth will recognize the signs, whatever those signs are, or she'll walk in on it, or she'll go into check on, go and check on Helen and find her crying or something, something, something, something. And it will be Dr. Lock that, uh, recognizes, um, uh, that, that he's called in to deal with it, to look at the evidence kind of thing, the physical evidence. That's what I think. And, you know, this, this, oh, does he recognize how does, you know, how does Dr. Lock recognize, um, Rob, because he clearly did, didn't he? There is a, there was something that made me go, ooh, debons on the Twitter said, has Dr. Lock ever been the medical officer at a police station? And I thought, ooh, that's very good. Yes. So, so lots of options there. For ultimately all of the same goal, who are, he gets stiffed. Good. Let's hope he does, because I've had it, I've, I've had it with this story, not with him as a character, just that, just had it with this. I don't say we have to do, I think that for Timothy Watson, who is done, has done a parking job. And despite the lunatics who can't distinguish between fact and fiction who have been, uh, having to go at him, um, it, uh, yeah, he has done a fabulous job. That's a really, really amazing. And he's, you know, should get huge, um, drama, BBC drama roles based on, on his performance, because I'm showing himself to be, I reckon he should get a call from, from Walt Disney Studios. He should play the new Darth Vader. Yeah. He needs to play, or the child capture, something like that. You haven't seen that new Star Wars, have you? No. Are you going to see the kids? Uh, no. Uh, okay. Is Simon going to see it? Yes. Had, he saw he hasn't seen it. No. All right. I'll be very interested to hear what he thinks about it. Is he into all that malarkey? Oh, god yeah. I'm not. But, um, I've seen it. But all I can say is, yes, uh, Rob Titchin needs a lightsaber. He's definitely, you know, on the dark side. And, uh, he needs to be one of those commanders on the desk. Yes. How do I have your father? Exactly. Oh, right. Whoop. Yes. He needs to be dressed in black and just, yeah. Anyway, I won't tell you what I think of the new Star Wars other than if you see in the very first Star Wars, you've seen it. Oh, let's go to this planet. I've got a lightsaber. Have you really let, oh, let's go to rocket to that planet. Oh, there's some baddies. They look like Nazis. They really are. They're evil. You know. I've decided I don't like them. Whoever they are. Yes. Hi there, Dr. Dom. It's JoJo Sexyheels here. Just phoning in with my Christmas thoughts around Elizabeth. It does seem to me like she can't make a new relationship of her own. Originally, when she met Nigel, he was one of Schuler's cast off boyfriends. And she was sounding extremely enthusiastic this week at discovering that Dr. Locke was moving into the village. Far too excited for my personal peace of mind. Does sound to me like we're going to have a Lizzie, Dr. Locke relationship. Picture this. You're halfway through a DIY car fix, tall scattered everywhere and boom. You realize you're missing a part. It's okay, because you know whatever it is. It's on eBay. They've got everything breaks, headlights, cold air intakes, whatever you need. And it's guaranteed to fit, which means no more crossing your fingers and hoping you ordered the right thing. All the parts you need at prices you'll love. Guarantee to fit every time. eBay, things people love. The holidays are coming and everything's a glow. Give your loved one a reason to sparkle with jewelry from Blue Nile. Right now, Blue Nile is offering special Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals. Save up to 50% on the season's most stunning trends. Or keep it classic with an endless selection of bold gold styles, gemstone jewelry, and eternally stylish diamond pieces. Shop now for up to 50% off jewelry at Blue Nile dot com. The original online jeweler. That's Blue Nile dot com. Blue Nile dot com. Kenny's family health care benefits kicked in the day he started his hourly job at Amazon. With two kids, he was a big fan of that. Then he took advantage of Amazon's on-the-job skills training program that helped him launch a new career in software development. Kenny liked that too. That led to a bigger paycheck, so he was able to get his youngest son a drum. Oh, please drum set. Next up drum lessons. Learn more at about Amazon dot com Amazon every day better. Yeah, I do hope that he's not going to be the husband number two. I do hope it goes dreadfully wrong and that Shuler gets very upset and that Lizzie and and Shuler fall out permanently over it, even though Shuler is supposedly happily married to the disappearing Alistair. But you could see it coming. It's flagged up. Just thought I'd bring that into the mix. And I do love Oliver Sterling. It's out there. I did put it on the Twitter's yesterday. He saved the Grundiz. Well done, Oliver. I hope we never see or hear from you ever again and that you just leave the Grundiz in situ. So Merry Christmas to everybody and speak to you all soon. Bye. Hello, dumb to dumbers everywhere. This is Amy just wishing everybody a very Merry Christmas and let's all hope that Rob gets a short sharp shove off a building, preferably the roof of Lower Lopsley. Anyway, have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year and see you all next year. Bye. Right. Oh, we've got another call. No, that's it. I think. Well, I guess it's going to give us her poem. Hmm. Oh, okay. Good morning, you two. Diane here, Moana's on the Twitter's. And I would just like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year and to all of you ever dumb to dumbers around the planet. I've written a quick little poem this morning to sum up the year. Dumb to dumb comes just once a week. Big excitement kept at bay. A voice is from far distant lands, discuss what's her ballet, the village flooded like a biblical threat. Scruff and freedom are dearly departed. But what's that smell from Grange Farm's range? Oh, God, Joe 94 has farted. Merry Christmas. That was lovely. I like, I like a poem that has a rhyme for fart in it. That's always very good. Mm hmm. So, so, uh, let's have. Well, we've had some emailer in her. Oh, gosh. Yes. Sorry. I was, I was going to go straight on to, I tell you what, no, because we've got no Millie this week, right? Because she came on Mundie's Little Missive. Why don't we take five right here and now and come back the other side with some emailer in it. It's the story of a cultural superpower that danced and sprinted its way to success. It brought the world reggae, compound, rasters, hip hop, bob molly much more. Its story is told to you in full color for your podcasting years. It's the story of how Jamaica conquered the world. Search for it on iTunes. How Jamaica conquered the world. It's probably the best least known podcast and podcast on. Search for it today. I'm not going to fight. That's, uh, right? Who is going? Right? 1914, June, Sarajevo, the heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, assassinated, killed by a Serbian nationalist. About six weeks later, World War breaks out. Germany, Austria-Hungary, Russia, France, Britain. Everyone is drawn into its starting in August. And then, well, America be drawn in. From Washington to Obama, 10 American presidents, the new podcast from Royfield Brown. Hello, just a quickie. Sarah Smith Claws are really useful. If you soak them in gin and make a marvellous molotov cocktail, if you ever get the desire to burn down a yurt, Sarah Smith for the posher washer. Fancy getting your mouth around something warm? Something comforting, you can really get a firm grip on. Why not buy a dumpty-dum mug from the shop at dumpty-dum.com. Go all's damn lovely. Hi, I'm Harry Clark from the dumpty tiddlers, and I want to wish Lucy and Royfield and all the dumpty-dum is a very Merry Christmas. Lucy, emails, hit me with them. Peter Stark says, following on from the comment from Colonel Beeching, it's interesting that Helen has mentioned pre-eclampsia a number of times now, so my prediction is that they will come a time in the pregnancy that unless she has a termination her life will be at risk. Rob will clearly want the unborn baby to live at the expense of Helen. It will only be at that point that Pat will come to her senses. That is harsh, is Rob some like Roman Emperor. He's like that, isn't he? But then all those, but Napoleon had narcissistic personality disorder. Well, he had Napoleon complex, which was handy. Yeah, well, I don't know if they're going to take it that far, actually. I mean, that is really bleak, isn't it? Yeah. And, you know, I mean, they do do that. I mean, you do get situations like that, obviously, but I don't know. Bless you. I don't know at what point they would I've kind of, when's the baby do you? I've kind of lost track now. I don't know. She was- She had a, she had a, wasn't 20 weeks scan. She had one, didn't she? It was earlier, and she had that what two weeks ago. Yeah. So she's only about four or five months then. Barely pregnant. Don't still reverse it. Oh, god, they don't want to go there, are they? Right. Hello, it's Monty Jean here. I'm sorry if you can't use this. I didn't realise over the such an early deadline. I just wanted to say a happy Christmas and a wonderful new year to all Dumty Demeras, and especially Roy Field, Lucy, Harriet, and everybody who makes Dumty Dum possible and cheers up my week every single time. So have a lovely one, everybody. Speak to you soon. Bye. This is Cosmo. Cross Cosmo. Oh, gosh. I am fed up with the latest travesty of the story. Whatever the provocation Ruth would not send an email without apparently a proper explanation of her need to stay through Christmas. Can I just say something? Yeah. I couldn't agree more. Yeah. The editor is not doing his job. Stories need to fit the character Ruth would throw herself into her work, be in amongst the herd morning, noon and night. She simply would not absent herself. And we all know that Lillian is a bit hard up. Will she sell the Dower House just in Eliot? Regards Cosmo in Thailand, which is recommended for some sun in winter time. Thank you Cosmo. It's not a case of the fact that we don't know that Thailand is nice for some sun in the winter time love. It's just not all of us can do that. But anyway, thanks for the tip. And Dot Stereo, aka Claire. She did email me earlier on today to say I was slightly hysterical on the train back from Oxford or something. When I wrote all that. So anyway, here we go. She says she is a baby listener because her first episode was the one where David had his little toy farm. But I want my toy farm back. Let me melt down. Can I just interject? And I'm putting this out to the Great Dunby Dunne universe. We need a proper kind of gradation system as to what type of listener you are. Yes. Right. And so can people call in a tweet in a speedpiper or Facebook in as to what that is. So, you know, if you've been listening as one or two dumbed dumbers have since episode one, I think that makes you a fully fledged archers listener. Have you been listening for argument sake, let's say, since Jenny's so we have novice intermediate and advanced. Yeah, but we need much cleverer than that. And then but what is at what point are you novice? I think you're novice if you've been listening since the 1990s onwards. Yeah. You know, because for me, if you don't know Walter Gabriel, yeah, you're not really an archers listener. You just you just playing at it, aren't you? You're one of those lunatics to carry Davis. But then again, somebody would say, Royfield, you don't know, you don't remember Dan Archer. So you're just playing at it too. But also that's quite ageist. I mean, we can't because we have a lot of younger listeners, we can't kind of say, you know, it's it's your fault that you weren't born until 1980. Yes, yes, we can't. We won. Anyway, so no, but let's I throw this out. Should we do it like the flyer and produce show? So you have highly commended bronze. Lucy, I don't think you're listening to me. We're throwing this out. Oh, sorry. It's nice for us to come up with the answer right now. So so there's two elements here. Number one. Can't you carry it out to me as well? Am I not allowed? No. Yeah, but you can't say on the show on, you know, as I'm saying it, what you think, because that defeats the whole purpose of being inclusive. We're inclusive podcast, Lucy. Okay. Not a dictatorship. No, well, we kind of are, they won't be. Well, yeah. But like all good dictatorships, we won't admit it. Exactly. Exactly. So number one, what is the time span? So we need to, we need to, you know, work that out, you know, if you've been listening since, I don't know, the 1950s or the 1960s, '70s, '80s, whatever. And then we need Pithy, Ambridge-like, Bautica-like titles for the different gradation of listener. Now, now we've got that sorted. Can you please carry on with dot stereo's email? Because I quite like this one. Okay. Uh, she says... And not Trump, Lucy. Yeah. Okay, quite. Um, she says, uh, I don't think you can compare a year round, almost daily BBC radio show with a multi-million-dollar American TV show, 24 episodes a year, Homeland. Anyway, the one we should be comparing it to, she says. Well, I was fighting to... No, I know, I know. That's why she emailed in. She didn't leave a speak pipe thing, you see. Um, Friday Night Lights, she says, which is, uh, much more like, uh, the arch is complete with occasionally ridiculous and unexplained plot twists and progressions. Yep. Um, what are the rules for dramatic license, she says? Um, there are calls for hard, straight, facts-only plot lines when it comes to Ruth's NZ trip, the grundies, et cetera. But a tidy, no-loose NZ to Helen Rob is what we all want. Can't we have a bit of tolerance for shortcuts and flourishes here and there, when there are still plenty of sweet, funny and thoughtful extensions in the characters every week? No, there aren't. The... That's not truly sweet. That would be the dictatorship. There aren't any bloody sweet, funny and thoughtful extensions in the characters every week, because it is all taken up with Helen Rob. And that is because you have only been listening, my love, since, uh, earlier on this year. You don't remember what it was like when we had Nelson Gabriel and proper characters who made jokes and Nigel Pudge to playing irritating practical pranks on people and, you know, Susan being snobby and all that, instead of all this... emotional psychodrama. Yes. Three. Pip is a recent 21-year-old graduate who has barely left the rural West Midlands. Of course, she's an overly confident, irritating dot with zero game. I say this as a not-so-recent graduate from the Irish Midlands with zero game. Uh, yes, I completely agree. Um, four, finally, I always think it's really sweet when Jenny Darling gets so excited when her family are around her. Brian says, "Where are people supposed to take a crap in this yurt?" And Jenny says, "Is it lovely the family are all here?" It could be just me, but I wanted to end on a positive. Um, yes, Jenny Darling is the, Jenny and, um, Jill Archer between them are like the triumph of hope over experience. Every single family party they have ends in near death or disaster, and they still insist on having the bloody things and are still convinced that this time it's going to be a lovely family get together. Um, should you read this out? I am reading it out. Please say hello to my best friend. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I thought- Morran. Mm-hmm. Who got me into both, I don't know, Dunty Dum and the Archers, because I can't see her this Christmas for the first time in nearly ten years. Oh, that's what he said. And because it's funny when Lucy says her name. Ha, ha, ha, Claire. Yes. Well, I don't know how to say her name. She did tell me once actually. Morran. Morran. She's also, she's gone. But you did remember. It wasn't important enough to you. She's also gotten equally losing what? If she said it to you once, surely you'd have remembered. I know, but I read out a lot of people's names, don't I? Every week, I can't remember. Everybody's- Well, we've been saying one is wrong for twelve months. She's also coiled, called Moir Irving. Moir Irving? Oh, god's sake. Anyway, Claire's friend. That's what we call her, Claire's friend. But it's a shame that you're not going to see your friend for the first Christmas in ten years. That's very sad. Right. That's it. End of the heme lerenaress. Oh, well done. All right. Why don't we have some hashtag artists action? What do you reckon? Yeah. All right, cool. I'll queue it up. Lucy. Yep. What are your top five hashtag? The arches, tweets of the last seven days. I've lost track of how many there are because there's quite a few of them because it's funny, but there we go. Twelve furniture said- We got to learn to edit Lucy. I know. With Ruth now away from- You know, it's our 90th show. Is it? 90. 90 and I still- And we still- sloppy. Sloppy after 90. It's not good. Many people are sloppy after 90. Twelve furniture says with Ruth now away for a few months, it would be nice to see David and Pips eat a full romance develop further. Or is that weird? Yes. Twelve furniture. It is extremely weird. I love this one. Paul Solotti said, "I'm beginning to think that there's actually only one fair brother, brother, who talks to himself like Gollum." Emily Thomas in Paris said, "Say, bro, again, Toby, and I swear by Apollo's shiny locks, I will remove your urethra with a cake slice." And Dawn Oliver had this very funny conversation with Kipper Kate about where all Caroline and Oliver's stuff is. Because she said, "Nobody takes all their knickers on holiday." That was a kind of opening gambit, so I know I shouldn't be worrying about this, but I am. So she said, "I just like loose ends to be tied up. Plus, I wouldn't like anyone making free with my knicker draw in my absence." Was that tweet in the week? No, it wasn't. Archilina said, "What is wrong with Richard Locke that he needs his hand held by Schuller just to have a housewarming? Has he hit his head?" Yes, she was treating him as if he was a sort of a small, slightly deficient child. And if we had any ham, this was said, Justin Elliott meets Dr. Locke, "Hello, I'm Oliver standing. I do post and party." And Dr. Ella applies, "Oh yeah, I'm covering from both the vicar and the policeman. I do north." Yes. That's very good. And this involves me singing, so I apologize in advance. This is Fifi Farture, are we still on to tweet the week now? No, this is tweet of the week now. Fifi Farture, who is the archers poet laureate, said, "Yurts today, all my troubles seem so far away." Which made me laugh a lot. I was in a year this week. Oh yes, you were, weren't you? Yeah. With Uncle God, Kerry Davis. Yes. We yurted together. Did you? And he played his bongos. And he shook something. He really did. And that's, actually, that sounds like I'm doing a weak impression of you, with what you do, but on Tondras. But actually, he did knock his bongos because of a percussionist, as well as a bit of a vocalist. And he had this maraca type thing, and he shook that. And yeah, the spirit of Kate Maticani was definitely there around that yurt, around that campfire. It was lovely. Oh, and we've had one more tweet. This isn't a thing to tweet. No, this isn't, it's all right. It's not a tweet of the week tweet. It's a request from Alison Hartley, who says she is trying to find fellow fans of the archers in Sonoma County in California. Would love to... Oh, he answered it on the Twitters. What do you mean? No, I told her that I'd read it out. So if anybody was listening that wasn't on the Twitters. Robin Winnin, I lengthy Rosa. I know, yeah, I know, but there might be other people that listen and don't tweet. Okay, that, you know, that's a very fair point. And if you do, you've got to start tweeting because I'm going to be over there in the Bay Area in the next three weeks, two weeks. Right, I'll start again. Alison Hartley, Alison FM 1985 said she's trying to find fellow fans of the archers in Sonoma County in California. She would love to start or join a local fan group, and I've asked the BBC the archers Twitter feed to retweet it. So hopefully you might meet up with some nice other archers nuts in California. Fab. Hi Dunty Dunne, it's Nossala here. I just wanted to phone in and wish everybody a very happy Christmas and a calm, peaceful and fantastic 2016. It's been a tough year for us. And this time last year, I wasn't looking forward to Christmas. But I am this year. I'm really wishing everybody else a fabulous time. Enjoy being with the people that you enjoy being with. And part with those people that you don't, because let's face it, there's always a few of those about at Christmas. And I just wanted to say a particular thank you to Lucy and to Roy Field. Anybody who can make us laugh and smile is worth their weight in gold, in my opinion. And I'm about to say you to a priceless. But I know that if I say that, that's going to be taken the wrong way. I don't mean it to, but you are. Have a fabulous time, everybody. And I look forward to catching up with you all, laughing, crying, and enjoying all your posts, tweets, texts, and cool in nose in 2016. Lots of love, everybody. See you soon. Bye. Oh, we just about done. We are. I really need a wee as well. All right. Then let's crack on then quickly. Shop news. I don't think this next line is now applicable. No, you have to be pretty disorganized. Eximus is coming to get your stuff. If that's Eximus 2016, well, then it's probably correct. Yeah, because I've got a sneaky feeling. If you go on to our shop to try and get a teacher among a coaster, a kite. Yeah, a kite with a dumb, dumb logo on it will not be delivered before December 25th. So, but just we have a shop. So just remember that for future reference, everybody. Now, also in dumb, dumb.com, you can go on there and you can add articles. And I know, we said, I've said this once or twice now, but Chris Lewis, he's actually a real kind of silent contributor to all things dumb. He writes articles and he does very funny, very clever Christmas carols or Christmas towels, doesn't he? So it's awesome. And you also can do that by going on to dumb, dumb.com. And you can comment on the shows, you can message all the listeners directly, or you can even go on to the forum, which is a place of considered and reasoned debate. I'll have, you know, and our boy Andrew Horn started a really lovely thread reflecting on Rob not ranting. And yet again, the reasonableness of our listeners is there just lay bare. Especially when compared with other social media sites, what will remain nameless? Yes. People'd buy nut jobs and fascists, I think. So go and hang out and wm.com with other listeners and call her Enerys. Hello, it's Catherine Beijing here wishing all damn two dumplings a smashing festive season. I was going to come prepared with a branch of mistletoe, but according to the lovely Susie Dent, mistletoe actually means a stick of poo. So I've given that a miss. Instead, we're going to adopt the Dutch five step method of celebration here, which in essence involves trimming ones who's using a black and deca workmate, and then liberally dowsing oneself with advocacy while mainlining quality street. It is complicated, but it does offer surprisingly good results. Happy Christmas to one and all. Dummy Diddlers News. Right. What's the Dummy Diddlers News, Lucy? The Dummy Diddlers News is that we have two Dummy Diddlers who are small people who are compelled to listen to the archers by their parents. I think it's probably the key to it here. But then they end up loving it, don't they? They do. We have Annie Brown. Hello, Annie. Happy Christmas, Annie, who takes the role of Tilly Button when we do meetups. And we have Harry Clark, who has got the cutest voice in the world. And we've had one down under. Gem Bay. Yay! Yes, I forgot Gem Bay. You've got three Dummy Diddlers. Now, if you want to join the Dummy Diddlers, I think you've got to be, is it 13 and under? Yes. That would be 13 and under. Keep moving it up because of Annie. Yes. 13 and under. And then you've got to email in and say you'd like to join the Dummy Diddlers. And then what do they get? A crackerjack pencil and pen or something. Yes. Right. Smashing. You won't get much from it other than the glow that you are a Dummy Diddler. And your name will be read out on the role call of Dummy Diddlers. Yes. Awesome. Right. In other news. Dogpoint. Tom Bodger. And the others who did some fat checking. Royfield, your numbers for the NASA budget are way off at the maximum. It got to a bit under 5%. Well, yes. The article that I read definitely did say 15%. I don't know where I got 25 from. I apologize. And I'm somewhat chastened. And the next time I read something, which I then think, Oh, I might just mention that in Dummy Dummy. To give me my credit, I didn't think I was going to mention it. But it's just when you said the eagle has landed. Yes. I just made made that link. And then I did like that in a script for a podcast about the archers where I read to talk about the NASA budget. Anyway, never mind. Yes. Oh, sorry. Mm. So, so, so thank you everybody for correcting me. And I stand suitably chastened. And I will email the author of the article and say, Oh, you, it was 4.5%, not 15%. And lastly, on biscuits as history from Jed White. A, while you're doing history forward slash biscuits, don't forget the Anzac. And B, Jaffa cake is a cake. It goes hard when stale. Okay. Right. I still think, you know, in kind of culturally, it's a biscuit, though, isn't it? It is. Yeah, if you can dip it in your tea, it's a biscuit. That's the rule. That is a very good rule. I just made that up. I like it. Yeah. Well done. Yeah, smart. All right. If you would like to help keep our show on the road, there are two ways this can be done. You can go to patreon.com/dumptydem and find us to support the show for two dollars. Or if you want to simply donate, you can royford, you have to put some full stops in this. Or if you want to simply donate, you can go to dumptydem.com and hit the donate button on the site. And we would like to thank the following for their support over the last year. Alison Jones, Sheila Snowden, Jenny Allen, Linda Lloyd, Lonnie J. Baha, Susan Hardy, Alison Johnson, and Chloe Sastry. You have all ultimately contributed in the last 12 months via hitting that donate button. We love you. Love you. Love you. Remember, you can also get in contact with us by sending us a voice message via Speakpipe on our site. Or you can call us on 020 3 0 3 1 3 1 0 5 2 leave us a message via a phone type implement. You can find us on the twitters where we are at dumdydem. We can tweet me when I'm at royfield as r o i for India F I E L D. Me @ Lucy V Freeman or Sarah Smith @ Sarah_ Smith. Remember, we're also on the book of face. Oh yes, we are. And we now we've put on I think 27 new uh like a lurkers on our Facebook page just this week. It's going great guns like a lurkers. Tell tell the people tell the ladies and gentlemen royfield. Yes. How many? What am I to tell? How many of their wonderful people? Can I talk to them Lucy? I can you know. Supporting the family of dumdydem across the international community. How many listeners do we have every month? Oh yes. Across the globe, which once spanned the British Empire. Well, being a person of a certain age, I like to still refer to it as the Empire. Okay. So across the globe of which once a quarter of it was spanned by pink, yes, royal British pink of the British Empire. Um, we have some 15,000 plus monthly listeners. That is that is one five comma zero zero zero zero listeners across the the Empire and other bits of the globe, which are soon to be conquered by the Empire. Yes. So we have listeners in China, in Ulan Bataa. We have listeners all over the globe and we love you and we wish you all a very, very, merry, merry Christmas from Borsicher, Lucy, Royfield and Skype. And I don't, when I'm going with this stop, stop. He's starting to hurt. It's starting to go a bit darlicky now because of a posh darlick. Sorry. Bearing in mind with your propensity to figures, as has just been showed, it could well be just actually 15 listeners. No, it's definitely 15,000 plus and because we're on this new A cast thing and there's stats galore, stats, but all looks like it like a stat, don't we? Mm hmm. Racious me, 15,000. Yes. Well, on that note, right, I think we should end with a little bit of erotica. Well, that's a bit of a leap. Okay. Made sense in my head. The Ian, Adam, Charlie, love triangle almost reads like a plot from one of Archer's Super Fam, Becky Black Booksees, books. Becky Black is not only a fan of the archers, a list of Lucy and I's prattlings, but by day, Becky is also a bank teller or something like that. Becky? Hi. Am I missing anything out? That's your full resume, isn't it? There's a couple of things you've missed there. What's that then? You're a you're a you're a candy lass. I'm a candy lass. Yes. Anything else. I'm a writer as well. Ah. That's what you've discovered on Twitter about me, isn't it? Well, Lucy made some outrageous allegation about you last week, was it the week before? But first, before we come onto that, how did you discover the world of Borsetcher? Well, I think I started listening to it accidentally, because I used to, I would listen to some of the half six comedy slots on Radio 4. Yeah, especially things like cabin pressure on the news quiz. And sometimes you just don't get around to turning the radio off seven o'clock and start listening to the archers. And then for, you know, it's, you know, I just got hooked on it. I think the first storyline I remember was when the Duchess of Court, Duchess of Cornwall, is that right? Came to visit. Linda was obviously social climbing and just trying to get to meet the Duchess and didn't quite manage it. And I really, I really enjoyed that. She was like a Lucia. I don't know. Yes. Yes. I could tell. I know Lucy's poovelier with that. Absolutely. That's. Yeah. And Miss Map and everything. And it just, it just remained a million of that. I've been a fan of those books for years. But I'm mostly sort of post Nigel falling off the roof listener. Oh God. The era I'm in. So you say you still, there's still very much a newbie. Yes. I've got five years or so. Oh God. You did. You practically don't know anything then. I reckon if you haven't been listening since the mid 60s, you're a newbie. Yes. Yes. Definitely. You know, if you can't talk confidently about Walter Gabriel, you know, well, I think we need to curtail this, this interview. Yeah. So I've seen, not worth talking to him. But look, things up on the internet. If something comes up on the arches, nothing. What are they talking about there? Who is that person they're talking about? I'll go and look it up and try to figure it out. Here's the thing. Right. Because what I like to do is to ask our listeners for, you know, any kind of insights into the stories that are doing the rounds at the moment in the arches. Now, I, you probably don't know this Becky, but I am a great fan of your work. And I found myself reading higher ground the other day. And I highly recommended read to anybody. And I noticed a bit of a, I'll notice something. I had an echo in the arches, a bit of a love triangle. And you have a cat called Adam. Yes. Now, is that some kind of foreshadowing there? Do you think the writers of the arches, you know, picked up a copy by a ground and said, I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I think Kerry Davis has been buying your books on Amazon. And, but so, but it's a classic. I love trying to, anyway, people have been writing about those for hundreds of years. But what, but what is the unique angle that you have with your, with your fiction? And, and, and how does it kind of echo the Adam, Charlie and Ian storyline? Well, most of what I write, although I'm branching out a bit is gay romance. So it's, it's romance, you know, the classical, but it's boy meets boy rather than boy meets girl. Uh huh. It's quite a, quite a lively little niche within the huge romance genre. And so I've been, I've been published for five years now, just gone five years. And that's what most of my stories have been. Well, congratulations. Now, who out of Adam, Ian and Charlie, do you reckon, read your books? I would, I would expect more Charlie. Yeah, why Charlie? I don't know. I think he's more, he's more sort of modern away, adamantly, and it just, it more old-fashioned. So tell me how you get into this specific genre of, of writing. And do you do lesbians? Was it primarily male? You know, how do you fall into that? I have started doing a couple of um, sort of lesbian stories. Yes, I've got a couple of those published. It was a few years ago, just a friend online started reviewing a couple of a couple of historical romances, sort of like gay romances. And I thought, well, I didn't know these even existed in obviously there's plenty of gay literary fiction about, but this was a different kind of thing. And say it's within the romance genre. And it's, well, a lot of the literary fiction, it's sort of, it's generally, it's about you know, how difficult it is being gay and most in a lot of societies. It often has unhappy endings, people committing suicide or things like that, where we read romance is obviously, we don't, listen, we don't none of that with Adam in and Charlie. Yeah, though. Oh, see, the main thing about romance is you get a happy ending. Oh, good. Something new. And so, so I'd like, I'd like to say, um, the characters of the arches get happy endings too. What type of happy endings are you referring to? Sorry. What type of happy endings are you referring to? Let's lean down, roll them in together now. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. Nothing out of that port. But this, there's a specific scene within higher ground, where your Adam finds himself, you know, sat by some rocks. It's a dark evening. And then, was it Glyn? Glyn that comes along? Crumbs, that didn't take me back to that ball, do, um, New Year's Eve last year. Yeah, it definitely has echoes of it. Yeah. Absolutely. So, how exactly did your scene kind of end up with, were they spotted by a nascent cousin? No, nothing like that. Adam just does reject him, my Adam, and suppose the author's Adam, eventually does the same as well with Charlie. Let's say, um, you know, as the scene, obviously, in the last week or so, essentially, he's rejected him by his saying, you know, right, I am going ahead with the marriage with Ian and, and that, that's it. You know, so what does Charlie do now? And then what did your Glyn do? He's, well, he didn't get him. He didn't do any things really terrible, nor kind of revenge or anything. But, uh, trouble with his herd. Or was he not even a farmer? Okay, sorry. Actually, a paramedic. Okay. And at one point, Adam's, uh, fella, Adam's partner gets injured and Glyn doesn't want to stick, because they're in danger. They claim in the mountain, they're in danger. Glyn doesn't want to hang around and help him. He, because, you know, he wants to keep on claiming out of danger. And so Adam ends up pointing a gun at him. Oh, crumbs. So I do, I don't imagine that we're Adam and Linda pointing a gun at anybody unless it's wrong, which, you know, obviously we don't know. He's got that coming. Yeah, he's got that coming, as any. So your Zach, does he have a Northern Irish accent? He doesn't know. But surely his accent should be in the mind of the reader. So as far as I'm concerned, he does. Unless he've expressed, expressed, he said that he doesn't. So we've gone on to Rob very slightly. You know, the person whose name that shouldn't be mentioned, but, you know, he's absolutely dominating all things kind of arches wise at the moment. Absolutely. Yes. All right. Let's keep a Star Wars theme going. Yes, he's absolutely, he's a Sith Lord or something, isn't he? When are we going to get rid of him? And how? I don't say any reason why they'd get rid of him soon. Even if something comes to a head, even if they end up breaking up with Helen, that just starts a new phase and the thing, because I can imagine him being the type who won't just go away quietly. He'll be stalking Helen for years to come. And obviously with Helen having the baby, there'll be some kind of custody battle over that. Sure, you know, should it come to that? So I don't say any reason why they would get rid of Rob, you know, barring actually dropping him into the slurry tank or something, anytime soon. Do you think Rob might then get his revenge on everybody, but even when he's dead, by having a perceptic pelvis or something other, which then poisons... perm, revenge from beyond the grave would definitely be Rob's hairstyle, yes? I've got a sneaky feeling that Rob is just too good of a catch for them to permanently write him out. I think he will hopefully disappear. So, you know, just like the force needs balance in the Star Wars, you know, the archers need needs balance. And there's just, I've said it so often recently, it feels incredibly unbalanced to me at the moment. So we need to take him off somewhere, but he's just too good of a character not to be, you know, a returning, vengeful, angry man, you know, wanting to see, you know, his child, you know, on occasion. But I've got a sneaky feeling Helen is not going to give birth to this child. I don't think it's going to happen. Yeah, something seems to be brewing, especially now, which is, you know, pressure started not eating. You know, after that crack he made about eating too much at the precept. And obviously she's got that history of the eating disorders. So, you know, could things happen with that? Because she hasn't taken care of herself enough? The home wars. So Anna Rex here and kind of body dysmorphia are issues that classically women have suffered with, but in an age where men are increasingly interested and bothered and worried about their own kind of body image, a lot of young men are kind of suffering from Anna Rexia. Is that a topic which you've touched on in any of your books at all? It's not a topic I've touched on. No, I know it is an issue with the moment with so many images in the media. People, you know, feel a lot of pressure to conform to the way they think they're supposed to look. And obviously, as you say, that's affecting men as much as women these days. But it isn't something I've tackled in my books, because I think, while some people do tackle all those kind of issues in romance, very serious issues, it's not something I really do myself. I find it a bit too heavy for romance, and you can't sometimes feel like, if you're just using it as a kind of, you know, cheap drama kind of thing, a way to sort of add angst to the person's background, something like that. But it's obviously something people do handle, and as long as it's well researched, and that they really understand the issues, as long as it's treated respectfully, then that's great, that people will include those issues in their books. Have you had any handsome podcasters? I haven't had that, no, but you never know. I could always think of including... I can really, your next book, I can really see it now, handsome podcaster from Birmingham. That's all, what do you even just call it, handsome podcaster from Birmingham? Well, I've got to write a story about, say, for a call, what call a call, where a publisher puts her and say, "I like some stories like this," to be published in an anthology or a series, and so about men at work, and me having romance through work, so you never know, could be a podcaster who meets up with a very sick guest. You're a flirty one, you, aren't you? You can give me ideas, you know, as soon as somebody gives me an idea, I start running with it in my head, figuring out the storyline sprint. Well, when you say somebody's giving you ideas, and then you just run with it, you know, I think we need to take this conversation off air, Becky. But listen, if anybody wants to read any of their books, where can they purchase them from? Certainly from Amazon, obviously that's a lot of people use. All the sites for other kind of a readers, like Cobo, Bonds and Noble, for people who have a nuke, the publishers themselves. And what are you working on at the moment, other than the handsome podcaster from Birmingham Book? I'm working on editing a sequel to a previous book, which is all about the lives of some characters after a zombie apocalypse, so that's quite a fun one to work on. Is that that patient said? That's right, yes, so I'm working on a... I tell you, I know your canon. You see, you do, yes. I should write a zombie apocalypse, orch's fan fiction, I think sometimes. That would go down really well. You could bring back Nelson, bring back Nelson, Walter, Doris, Dan. You should really do that, but yeah, excellent. Listen, Becky, Black, it's been absolutely excellent speaking to you. We should catch up again in the new year. Yes, that'd be great. Fantastic. You have a wonderful Christmas. Hopefully there'll be some kind of resolution with the Robin Helen thing happening over Christmas. Well, listen, let's try and get him killed off, and then we definitely can do your zombie book, and maybe he will have his revenge. Okay, well, it's great to talk to you. And you? Thank you, Becky. Bye-bye. Would you like to say goodbye? I would like to say a genuine and very heartfelt and not messing around. Happy Christmas to all our listeners, and we love you very much. And I would just like to say, season's greetings to everybody, and it's been lovely, and we've done 90 of these, and what we're going to do for a hundredth. Read everyone's names outright? Yes, I'll do. It is an idea, a live show. Oh my gosh. Well, that'll be tricky with you in California, or where is it going to be? Oh, yeah, we'll be. Yeah. One of us is going to have to get up very early or stay up very late. Banksy, that's you for both. Goodbye, dear listener. Bye, happy Christmas. 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