DumTeeDum - A show about BBC Radio's 'The Archers'
Dum Tee Dum Episode 82 – Rob revisionism and Amy Gilbert
This week Peter Stirk sponsored the podcast on behalf of WaterAid – please support them. During Lucy’s monologue I think she implied that Miranda is not funny – so I am not the only one. Ed needs luck and some financial collateral. Lucy has forgotten that Helen saw Ian a few weeks ago when the coven were meeting at Gay Grables, although he has vanished since.
The South Kensington Lycee always had the best looking girls when I lived in the area – and Roifield confirmed that little has changed! Roifield also highlighted (thank you) the way Kenton suddenly recovered his mental health – an unbalanced approach by not treating the story with equal handedness. Can the New Year bring more equal treatment to all stories please?
Lucy has promised to arrive at the DTD meal in Lady Godiva style having confirmed her assets are in good order.
Meanwhile Millie Belle has discovered boffing.
The last 20 minutes is the story of Amy Gilbert: http://readingagency.org.uk/news/media/hoz-announce-winner-of-your-story-her-words-competition.html
I am sure we all wish her well in her quest.
Kosmo
On this week’s episode we have calls from:
Yokelbear wants to go on Joe’s ghost tour
Emily Thomas who wants Ian back
Jo Jo Sexy heels who wants humble pie eaten.
Witherspoon who wants to know how the entire village knows Calendar Girls off by heart
The post Dum Tee Dum Episode 82 – Rob revisionism and Amy Gilbert appeared first on DumTeeDum.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
- Duration:
- 1h 28m
- Broadcast on:
- 03 Nov 2015
- Audio Format:
- other
Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my hundredth mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Honestly, when I started this, I thought only I'd have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at midmobile.com/switch, whatever you're ready. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes of CDTails. Kenny's family healthcare benefits kicked in the day he started his hourly job at Amazon. With two kids, he was a big fan of that. Then he took advantage of Amazon's on-the-job skills training program that helped him launch a new career in software development. Kenny liked that, too. That led to a bigger paycheck, so he was able to get his youngest son a, drum roll, please, drum set. Next up, drum lessons. Learn more at about Amazon.com. Amazon. Every day better. This podcast is a Royfield Brown production. Find others on iTunes. All right. Yeah, I know. At Bridge Farm Cafe, we always use Sarah Smith cloths. When I was at Brookfield, they only had those nasty blue and white ones. But these are vintage, like our furniture. Balance sets, I have to call our cakes vintage, not style. Sarah Smith, for the posture washer. This program is brought to you by a kind donation by Peter Stirk, who'd like to promote the good works of water aid. Since retiring, Peter's joined their speaker network, giving talks in schools and community groups such as the WY about the charity. He's passionate about its aim to provide clean, safe drinking water and sanitation to all the world by 2030. It's incredible that in the 21st century, 650 million people do not have access to clean water. That's one in 10 of the world's population, and that 2.3 billion, one in three, do not have access to adequate sanitation. Over 1,400 children die each day from diarrhea caused by unsafe water and poor sanitation. Water aid works with local partners in some of the poorest parts of the world to provide the necessary services. You can find out how you can help by going to wateraid.org.uk. Hello, you might recognize my voice as the long departed and rather missed Nigel in the archers. Well, I, Grand Seed, will be joining Roy-Little Lucy and hopefully you. For dinner and drinks at the Portland Pub, 51 Upper Berkeley Street, Madeleine, London W1H 7 QW, from 8pm on Saturday, November the 14th. But dinner is priced at an excellent 35 pounds for three courses plus a £2 booking fee. So, if you would like to meet other archer fans and me, head over to www.duntydun.com and book you place now. Oh, I'll be the one in the gorilla suit. This is "duntydun" the show out, the reality stuff you come to that has entered an average in the heart of the Midlands. I'm Gail Archer's apple pie that is Roy-Fold Brown and with me I have Andy cardboard's pair, plan, aka Lucy Freeman. And the last part of our village supper folks is you. Now, today's most excellent dumpto was bought in by Shirley Sanderson that was amazing. When I first started playing it, I just stopped dead and thought, "What the hell is this?" And then it was just like... You saw a Louis Armstrong, didn't you? I did. I did. It was fantastic. That will be making a reappearance on frequent dumpty-dums. It will. I'd say, "I just, that floored me." Absolutely floored me. Brilliant. Curly, we salute you. We salute you. But Lucy, if somebody would like to do a somewhat of a second grade impersonation of Curly Sanderson doing a dumpty-dum, or try and top it somehow, how can they do that? And when the accurate of "dumpty-dum" of the week? If you would like to sing as a dumpty-dum, give us a plot prediction, or hide your muffins behind a lukewarm baking tray, ring us on 0-20-3-0-3-1-3-1-0-5, or leave us a message on Speakpipe. Thank you to lovely sandwiches for her amazing voices, to Cosmo for his podcast roundups, and to Sarah Smith for sponsoring us. By the way, Sarah Smith has seen an increase in, um, figures. You know, more people have bought it, whatever the marketing term is, you know. What's the word, "myfield"? Uh, I think you don't really. They've seen an increase in people that are- Yeah, more people are buying it than what was buying it before. So that's good. So keep doing whatever it is you're doing, i.e. buying things. I tell you what's rather nice as well. There was a tweet type thing from somebody which I saw on the Twitter's this week, when they went, um, I've discovered "dumpty-dum", I'm obsessed by this nonsense. I even bought some Sarah Smith for what? I know, I know, I've forgotten who that was. Yes, no, I saw that as well, it was very sweet. Uh, and thank you also to Derek for the loan of the back bedroom. Uh, Derek has been enthused by rugby, having watched the World Cup, and he's been playing with Charlie. He did well, went for a try, and came from behind after ten minutes. Oh, I tell you what, you know. I could tell you something about coming from behind. No! There's a study, an academic study which he's doing the rounds at the moment, about the sexual habits of young Brits. Right. Good. But anyway. Yes. Anyway, problems with Speakpipe Update. Leicester City have been coming from behind quite a lot this season. Claudia Renieri, I don't know what he does with his half-time team talks, but Leicester always seemed to come from behind. Good old Leicester. Good old Leicester. Yeah. Anyway, the problems are the Speakpipe Update. Speakpipe? They don't come from behind. Oh, this has started well. Four minutes in. Bloody hell. It's going to be one of those, folks. Yes, there are problems galore with Speakpipe. I don't think we need to tell people that. I'm not sure that's going to come as news to anybody. Well, hmm, but we have a couple of slight solutions. So two tips. Number one. We think the issue is to do the new iOS update on your phones and tablets. So if you have a device or laptop that you've never used before to make a call, it should work if you use it. So if you've been using your phone or your tablet to do it, use your laptop and it should be fine. Second tip, Lucy. Use the number 0203 031 3105. We know it's not as good as Speakpipe. It's old school. It's tradition. Just think of it as vintage. Vintage. Exactly. Exactly. Think of Fallon's T-Shop. You can be the calf kiddston of callerinners by actually using a phone. Enough. You can even pick it up and say "DaraB389" if you like. We don't like it. Oh, that'd be lovely. Yeah. Please, please, please persevere, but I will get on the blower with Vladimir yet again well. I'll communicate with him. I didn't actually call him the first time, but I'm getting on there with Vladimir and I'm going to go out with the Russian because it's not good enough. We pay good money for this service and it's not bloody working. Right. On this week's episode, we have calls from Yoko Bech who wants to go on Joe's, ghost tour, Emily Thomas who wants Ian back, Joe Joe, sexy hills who wants a humble pie to be eaten and with a spoon. Who wants to know how the entire village knows calendar girls are by heart. Can I just quickly say, I've always thought that and I've said to myself, is it because I'm not a literary middle class type that I don't know every play produced in the last 100 years? I've actually thought this. I mean, when they do things like, you know, the importance of being honest or whatever, then you're more likely to know that. But calendar girls was a kind of a, it's a very niche thing, really. And it's not surprising, no one knows. But he's very surprising that apparently the entire village knows it off by heart. The narrative arc of every character. It's ridiculous. The importance of being honest, where's it set? Which town? Well, he goes, I don't know, because he starts off in London. I thought he said everybody knows everything about it. And then how many goes off Bunbury, doesn't he? But I'm not sure. Is it, no Hampshire, he goes down to, doesn't he? I don't know. Yeah. I just know the general outline. He goes off Bunbury, and I think it's Hampshire, but I'm not sure. So you can't even remember where it is set, but everybody knows every line of it. No, I didn't say everyone knew every line. Everyone knows sort of, if somebody said to you, do you want to play earnest in the importance of being honest, you would know pretty much what the role entailed. If someone said, do you want to play Chris in calendar girls? Apparently you would also go, oh thank goodness that means I get that lovely speech where she says, blah blah blah. Anyway, they're a different breed apart, aren't they? Those residents of Ambridge. But I tell you, Susan Carter, if we're going to continue this, Susan Carter shouldn't know, shouldn't she? She shouldn't have the kind of same literary references that Lynne Snell's going to have. No, but, and it's not literary, calendar girls. It really doesn't count as history. No, no, but no, but I'm on about all the other stuff, all the other places. But what Susan would do is the second, even if she hadn't, she didn't know. All she'd know about it was that they got the kit off. But what she would do, the second she heard, that was what Linda was doing. She'd go rushing off to Tintanet and get on it and find out who was the main character, wouldn't she, or who she would like to play. But in that scene, she just knew, didn't she? Yeah, as she's now apparently reinvented herself as Dame Judy Dench. More on all of that nonsense later. And at the end of the show, we have a very special conversation with Amy Gilbert, her listener, who was inspired to make a live-changing decision by Helen. But first, before the call to dinner is that a brave, the vagaries of technology got through, and before we have Amy Gilbert, it's Lucy V Freeman and a week in Ambridge. Charlie has decided to repair his reputation in the village by auditioning for calendar girls. He will be taking the part of a huge cucumber that Susan Carter can hide behind. Charlie has given up, trying to get Linda to talk to him, and has so far avoided telling her that it is her dog that has run around giving all the cows mumps. And there's going to be a second wave of it, so that something to look forward to, maybe strike the geese, or Peggy. Adam spoke to David about the Fair Brethren's crackpot scheme to put cows in the same playpen, they've got their 342,000 gigantic geese in, egged on by Pip, who is still leaping up and down, shouting, 'Play with me, play with me, play with me!' They then produced a business plan. Well, Pip wrote it, and the Fair Brethren coloured it in after it had a play fight over who was going to use the green pen. The egg decided that the role of farmer is not for him. He cannot afford to replace the cows that got shop-lifted, and he uses the tractor to do work to pay for the tractor that he bought to do the work with excellent sound. Business sense there! The day was saved by Oliver Sterling, gentleman farmer with his spotless Wellington boots. He rang Ed from the mud-spattered fields of Tuscany to tell him that with all his years of experience at running a hotel, he knew a good farmer when he saw one, and Ed was not to give up. So based on this one-man commendation, Ed is still a farmer, just one with no cows, land, and someone else's tractor. Just one thing though, Oliver, it was not just bad luck what happened to Ed. It was being poor. Being poor, not being able to afford insurance, which means when bad luck does happen, it completely obliterates you. That is the bit you don't get. Anyway, Eddie and Joe said much the same thing, but they said it pissed and crossed, Charlie, who was sitting rocking in the corner of the ball, sucking his thumb while Adam patted his back and offered him his blankie. We heard Joe's ghost walk, which was mostly Joe going "ugh" and the audience replying "woo" and a good time was had by all. The ghost of Nigel Parditor has apparently decided to start cross-dressing and dancing around the minstrels gallery, which presumably makes him, according to Joe, a transvestite. Elizabeth says she sometimes glimpses him just at the corner of her eye, and not bloody surprised a six foot hooray in a basket and tight spelting out my heart belongs to Daddy, would certainly be difficult to ignore. Jill, meanwhile, is being haunted by the ghost of Julia Parditor, rattling wine bottles and refusing to share her home with a woman that says pardon and toilet. Carol Toboggan tried to subtly tell her to shut up moaning, but Jill is convinced that her knickknacks are getting up Julia's nose, so I suggest you move out, Jill. Kirsty is in situ at the health club, waving her loofah about and slapping around in her flip-flops. She's being coerced into the Christmas play by Linda. Everyone knows perfectly well that Linda asks everyone that doesn't move fast enough if they'll be in her blasted performance, regardless of gender, age or suitability. And yet, whenever Linda asks anyone to be in the play, they always say 'me' in utter incredulity, as if they were expecting her to ask them to go yachting around Bermuda. All except Susan, who now believes she is a BAFTA award-winning actress, she's less than chuffed about the choice of play. However, Linda preyed on her rampant snobbery, and she eventually agreed to unveil her discounted items because Elizabeth was going to to. Susan reminded Linda that Tristan Hawkeshaw said it was unusual to find someone of her particular talents. The ability to wear a nylon tabard and not catch fire, rub chili into a pigman, and be prayerant and judgemental about her friends and neighbours. Uh, Usha, who only appears when someone needs something soliciting, or when someone needs to meet in a cafe and cry, had a heart to heart with Elizabeth. Elizabeth talked about her disastrous relationship with Roy. "I just wanted to feel something." Well, she did that alright. Then Usha had a heart to heart with Ruth, which was jolly. They listened to Radiohead while they talked about her dead mother. So that was very, very, very fun that episode. I've not laughed so much since Miranda. And in the meantime, for the sake of a spurious storyline, Brookfield is going to hell in a hand cart. Everyone is expecting Ruth to conjure up meals while continuing denying that that's what they're doing. The whole family is now reduced to shaking bits out of the toaster for supper, and the boys are all wearing PE kit and onesies as they're too lazy to put the sodding washing machine on. For goodness sake, Josh has just passed his driving test and can drive to Northumberland and back, and yet goes running to Granny to tell her that he's starving to death rather than getting in his car and driving to Sainsbury's. Surely making a cheese toasty for the family is not beyond his capabilities. Brookfield sells meat. There is internet shopping for crying out loud. Seize this storyline at once they live in the country, not in the 16th century. Yours irritated me east London. The end. Oh, I like that. There are some funny bits in it this week. There was, there was, there was, there was, there was a bit about displaying your, your discounted wares, which I wish I'd, that's made me titter. I am going to, I am going to, after, when you produce this, when you edit it, I am going to, to text you afterwards and say, I quite liked it this week, Brookfield. There was some quite good producing bits. Feel free. Feel free to steal my lines, why don't you? I have a confession to make. What? I missed the show this week and I thought I had, but I wasn't quite sure. But when you talked about Oliver, I thought, oh, I didn't hear that. Oh, it was ridiculous. You didn't miss anything. Believe me. Are you sure? Yes, I was putting laundry away listening and shouting while it went on. Yeah, it's just, it was genuinely. But the Russia's white is normal. Well, it was genuinely Oliver saying to, to Ed. Um, I believe in you, Ed. Don't you dare let me down. I know a good farmer when I see one. You know, it's just ridiculous. It's, you know, yes, carry on doing the disastrous job that you're doing, Ed, that just continually goes wrong. Don't think about making a new start. Just keep fucking up over and over and over again. And, um... Is Ed incompetent? Or is he just unlucky? No, he's not incompetent, is he? But you need a certain, you know, it's like, it's sadly true that you can't, you have to have a certain amount of bounce money behind you. To be a farmer because it is so unpredictable. And when you're operating down to the wire the whole time, like Ed, you can't, you know, if something goes wrong, you are wiped out and you have to start again from the beginning. And you can't, you can only do that sort of twice. You can't, you can't just keep doing it. That's what, that's what, um, Oliver doesn't understand, you know, he can always just, you know, sell a couple of shares and start again or something like that. Or, you know, the fair brethren saying, "Oh, we'll just go and ask our friends in the city for more money." You know, that's how it works. That's why there are not so many farmers now that don't live on inherited money because it's too unpredictable to do it unless you've got land behind you at the collateral, you know. Now, uh, completely and utterly agree. And I remember when I started my shop all those years ago, I started it with 500 quid and I thought I was being incredibly clever and incredibly thrifty, but you put your finger in it, I didn't have any bounce money. So as soon as my first big bill came, even though my sales were increasing all the time, I was in major problems. Yeah. Yeah, you're completely right. You're completely right. Um, however, um, bit of a funny and truncated show this week. Um, so is it fill time again? No, why? We've got calls? I haven't got that many, don't I? Got enough? Have we? Yeah. All right, then. Well, why don't we listen to for you then? All right. Hello, Ambridge 3962. It was first. Yoko ba. Hello, it's Shokobear here calling from Spooky Yoko, she'll cut it to Halloween. And I love Halloween. And, you know, what's going to go on in Ambridge in on Halloween? Will there be a ghostly gooseing at, um, at Grey Gables? Who knows, mind you, that's probably Toby getting a bit hangsy. Um, you know, I absolutely love this week. Joe's ghost tour was just comedy genius. I mean, it's just, I mean, Joe 94, um, was, it absolutely born to do that. Um, he was just making a shit up, basically, wasn't he? And I kind of, I kind of respect that carrying on with the Halloween scene, um, on Friday night's episode, when, um, Rob said, oh, look at the scan. He's perfect. In my head, I added the sentence on the end from his horns on his head right down to his clothing feet, um, because you just know it, you know, it's the empty crisis, isn't it? Kiss the seas and all that. So, um, but yeah, kind of enjoyed this week. Right. I'm going to get off now because what would it be in Halloween? I'm just going to throw myself into it and hope at some point at the weekend. You know, I have the willingness to butt up me. Okay, then. Bye. Ooh, I like a bit of Yoko Bear. We've missed you, Yoko Bear. We have, and I do hope that you, as you said, that you got the willies up you at some point over Halloween. Yoko Bear. Um, yes, that was a lovely bit of Round the Horn in Uendo and made me laugh. Um, he loved Jo's ghost stories. I liked Jo's ghost stories as well. It was nice to hear Jo kind of getting carried away and, you know, having a bit of creativity and fun and just being the old soul that he is, you know? 'Cause sometimes he kind of, you kind of feel like Jo is forever being, uh, forced into this sort of elder wise man role that he's, you know, profoundly unsuited for, really. Um, and, you know, occasionally as a word with, with, with Edward and, and so, with Edward and sort of says the right thing and jolly's him along. But, you know, I quite like it when Jo's just an old bugger. You know, I quite like that. Uh, so, and he was being an old bugger again, telling a load of nonsense stories about nanny's tuck. That would have scared the bejesus out of me if I was a little child. You're about the ghost nanny coming in and tucking you in. Um, you know what, as Elizabeth said, there is a bit of a fine line, isn't there? You know, he's scaring the bejes out little kids and then, you know, your teenage is liking things a little bit kind of gothic and whatever. There is completely, utterly a fine line. Uh, but yes, now we're glad you're back here, Quebec. It's very nice to hear you again. Well, it's according to him. It was there last week, but we just didn't seem to find his call. Oh. Oh dear. Next, we have Emily Thomas in France. Oh, I like Emily Thomas. Hello, Dante Dum. It's Emily, the au pair from Paris. It's been two weeks of school holidays here in France, and I've been going crazy with 13-hour shifts of childcare. But the kids have been carted off to their grandparents, and I've had a chance to catch up on the archers. And I've just got one question. Where's Ian? Aside from brief appearance buying geese from the interchangeable fair brothers, he hasn't been seen anywhere. This is strange, as he was once so close with Helen, that we were almost all convinced that he was the donor that contributed to Henry's existence. Lovely Ian would have noticed Helen's increasingly strange behaviour. He hasn't even congratulated her on her pregnancy. And do you remember when he punched Rob? Can we all remember that wonderful moment? And now Adam is back to flirting with Charlie, inviting him to stay overnight, waiting for him to come to the party, getting cozy in the pub. That scene in the rain was a little bit too the notebook for me, although with a little bit more botulism than the film. And weren't Adam and Ian meant to be getting married? Didn't that impulsive decision come about from snogging in the bushes on New Year's Eve? Ed and Emma got it and were engaged at the same time, and they've since got married. And when Ian back, he's lovely, and all he wants is to cook delicious food and make his loved ones go on holiday to exotic locations. Oh, and if he could come back to punch Rob again, I'd be over the moon. Be Zoos. Ian, now, I don't think that Helen is allowed to see Ian, because if she saw Ian she would have to lie about where she was because I don't think Rob wants her to see Ian after Ian punched Rob. That's right, we're around, isn't it? Yes, so I think that because she has, well, maybe two weeks ago she would not have seen Ian because she would have felt as if Ian was being disloyal. That Ian was disloyal to Rob, or Ian didn't like Rob, therefore she would have seen it as disloyal if she'd spent any time with Ian. Because she gets cross-questioned if she bloody goes to the shop by herself, doesn't she? But now the tide slightly, possibly, seems to be turning a little bit, so she's more likely now to hook back up with Ian again. But she'd be, as soon as she mentioned, as soon as Ian questioned anything to do with Rob and said, you know, what do you mean you weren't there when Rob told your parents about being pregnant or whatever, then she would back off again completely because she'd be too scared of what Rob was going to do if you found out. But yes, it would be nice to hear him, wouldn't it? Being as he now appears to be completely invisible to the extent that, you know, Adam is inviting Charlie over for bloody sleepovers and things like that and we just don't, we presume Ian is working and, you know, that's it. We never hear him, we never know what he's doing. Yes, no, it is all rather peculiar. Maybe he's still at Edgebast and watching the cricket or something. We haven't heard him since, have we? No, because he came back from that, didn't he? Because he told, he said, did I, you know, did I, did I, did I say anything stupid? I bet he did. I bet he talked about cricket rackets or something. Emily Thomas, where is she? Paris, or on the outside to Paris? Tell you what, if you want to go to France and you don't leave the UK, guess where you go? We're Britain. And you don't want to leave the UK? Oh, sorry, I don't know. South Kent, the most French bit of London. I was there yesterday, it's bonkers. I swear to high heaven, everybody by everybody was speaking French. There's all these petitaries and also, it's rather nice round there as well, you know. It's just, it's really nice. You know, you'll see like somebody you go, well, they can't be French because, and dare I say, it says the black person who's English because they're black or they got, you know, all got, you know. And all of a sudden, it's like, push your, it's everybody's French and people in shops are just, you know, there's a walk up to buy something at the counter and they just speak French. It really has been overrun by our cousins across the channel. It really has, it's bonkers. It was very lovely and it's all very pavement. Oh, I had a lovely time there. I bought. You know, everybody's out, sorry. Oh, I see. Yeah, you know, it was like kind of pavement culture. That is because they are all fresh and they're smooch. Yes. Well, there wasn't much smoking going on. Right? There wasn't much kind of goo-wah and she's tan smoking or whatever heck you call it. But it was just, oh, it was, it was, I felt like I was abroad. And do you want to know the reason why there's loads of French people there? Yes. Do you really want to know? Not really, but you're going to tell me anyway. I am, I am, I am. Emperor Napoleon III. When he was booted off the, off the throne in 1870. Art of Two's defeated the Battle of Sidan. S.C. where he came. He came to Britain and he set up shop. Well, they all came with him or what? Well, then you got all these boner parties that kind of came with him too. And that's the reason why you have Emperor's Gate in South Kensington because Emperor Napoleon III. And he died only about a year after being deposed as Emperor of the French. And his son, who's also another little Napoleon, fought for the British Army in the Zulu Wars and actually died about 10 years afterwards. And just around the corner from where I live in Notting Hill is a pub called the Prince Bonaparte. Because one of his cousins lived just around the corner in West Bonaparte. Hmm. Yeah, so that is the reason why the French streamed to South Kensington about 140 odd years ago. Because it was a French émigré hotspot of Bonapartist action in Londonium. There you go. And that's the reason why there's a French Célise and that's where Madonna sent her daughter. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, oh, it's lovely. It was such a lovely day yesterday to have a baguette and a croissant and all things French. There you go. More bulletins as events warrant. Yes. Very good. Excellent. Okay. Do we have Witherspoon now? Where's he from? America. Do you know the reason why there's loads of Americans in St. John's Wood? No. I don't either. Good! Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling toss salads and scrambled eggs. Massive. It's Witherspoon and Angus Haggis here wishing you a happy Halloween and Angus is wishing me a happy birthday. A tip of my astronaut costume helmet this day to Joe Grundy. At least there is one average resident in the Halloween spirit this week. I have been thoroughly enjoying his ghost tales. Why are the Archer family members taking him so seriously? And why is Jill begrudging him the ability to receive a tip? Of course I would tip Joe if he were so entertainingly recounting the tales of Julia Pargeter's Crypt. My other favorite moments of the week? Linda's annual casting call. The Christmas show is one of the main reasons I became so fond of the residents of Ambridge many a year ago. But one comment. While I did enjoy calendar girls back in 2003, it must have been a much more popular film on your side of the pond than it was here. The villagers seem to be as familiar with its characters as they are with those of a Shakespearean drama. You'd think the casting of Annie, Chris, and Lady Cravincher was as serious as deciding upon a Hamlet, Claudius, and Gertrude. Meanwhile, we had to wait until Friday to get back to Ambridge's own and our favorite Hitchcock thriller. Rob is turning up the control valve. Again, I think to create a stepford wife and to remove any authority and sense of self-confidence and confidence that Helen has in running a business. He was using the father's suntime with Henry as an excuse so that she doesn't see what's going on with the building. I don't think he was doing so to isolate her from Henry. He wants her as both a wife and mother. I know some think he's gaslighting her. I used to think that, but now I don't. Although we know he does want to prematurely increase Henry's level of testosterone and make him and any future male offspring into mini-robs. In any case, we have seen the first cracks in Helen's facade. And as many of us have predicted, Kirsty is the one to get her to open up and Kirsty will be crucial in the unmasking of Rob. In the meantime, Pip, if you wanted to write business plans, then you should have taken that job. So stop helping the fab brother and commit fraud with your cousin Adam as the pigeon. And if you need a hobby to keep you busy, I would suggest taking cooking lessons. Your brothers could use a decent meal. Well, time for Angus and me to walk around Greenwich Village in our costumes. I'll post a photo or two. I'll be celebrating what a friend calls the catch-up birthday. See who can figure that one out. Until next week, it's Witherspoon and Angus Haggis signing off. Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling, toss salads and scrambled eggs. Mercy. He thinks that Rob isn't gaslighting. He is just overcompensating. Trying to, well, I don't, I think that's kind of academic, really. He's being an absolute, this week was unbearable. I'm actually getting to the stage where when I listen to it again, I'm fast forwarding through the Robin Helen bits because I just can't bear it. It's just horrible. And I think a lot of people are reaching that point. Do you need to listen live? Very rarely. Okay. I think we're now seeing people saying I'm not listening anymore until this is over. So I think possibly they've pushed it a little bit in terms of spinning the storyline out. But we did get Kirsty back and Kirsty did seem to kind of, at least Helen has somebody now that she feels she can collapse in front of, particularly as in Helen's twisted little universe of perfection that she's created. In her eyes, Kirsty has already made a dramatic and public bugger-up of everything, although it wasn't even Kirsty. You know what I mean? She would feel less embarrassed about telling Kirsty that she was unhappy than she would about telling anybody else, I think, about admitting that things are not perfect. With a spoon, you, when the unlikely accolade have been the first person to ever call in dressed as a space man. I do like the fact that Angus joins in at the end and starts whining when he feels that your call should end. He starts going in the background. Excuse me. Yes. No, we don't get quite so carried away with Halloween as you not do. Oh, we get in that way though. Because we're not children. Some of us are adults and don't feel the need to dress up anyway. No, it's going that way. And do you bet that Halloween riot in Lambeth yesterday? No, no, don't care. Yeah, no, me either. But in the last 15 years, we've become very guard, you know, Halloween. You know what I'm really sad about? What? Well, after saying that though, the kind of, you know, the undertones I'm not up for. But I quite like a good bonfire night. And all this Halloween stuff is, you know, kicking that well into touch. Yeah. However, I quite like Catholics. I don't want them all to be burnt at the stake. You know, because it did have, you know, big kind of Protestant undertones that. Which, you know, it took you so many years, gets somebody said to me, "You know, as a Catholic, I'm not quite up for it." Because it was a use as a way of saying that we're setting class citizens and blah, blah, blah. I hadn't thought about it like that. However, you know, throw in an effigy on a big bonfire and it'd be some Tory minister. I'm well up for it. Sorry, Tory fans that listen to "Don't be dumb." That's what they want to do in Louis this year. Rob Tichner. Yeah. They weren't there to be Jeremy Hunt or something, won't they? And also, with a spoon, I need to take issue with you, my love. He said he ended his call by saying, "Why to Pip? Why don't, if you want something to do, why don't you learn to cook because your brothers could use a decent meal? Why can't they take cooking lessons? Why is it Pip that has to take a cooking lesson?" There are five people in that family, only two of whom are female. Nobody suggested that the men actually learn to cook or drive to get some food or, you know, it's just like, "Oh no, you've got ovaries. Therefore, the other only works for you." So, dickiness, it's like this idea that the uterus is some sort of satellite navigation system, and if anyone shouts out, "Where is my? You will always know because you have, you know, female equipment for God's sake." There is absolutely no reason why Ben, Josh, or David cannot eat it. It is pathetic, this storyline, just bloody finish it. Yes, we're going to have some sort of nonsense emotional reconciliation with Jill and Ruth and Ruth saying, "Well, I didn't know if you wanted to come back and Jill saying, "Well, I didn't know if you wanted me. I didn't want to feel it. Who loved?" Getting a little more hooty than normal, and then just move back in and shut up and get on with it. I don't care what happens to the writing desk. I don't care what happens to the lower locks. I don't care who is starving to death. It is their own bloody fault. You do care. You will be doing a podcast if you didn't care. You are proffing at the mouth as I am now. Can I just say, though, and I might be slightly jumping forward, but I was left somewhat disappointed. By what? By the fact that there was a scene on yesterday's episode, yesterday's been Sundays, and there might have been a little hint on one in the week. I really can't remember. Whereby, there is definitely been a reproshment between David and his brother. This slightly still a little bit kind of uncomfortable. There's a little bit of frostiness, wasn't there? Yeah. But basically, they can have conversations now mediated by other people being in the ball at that time. But wait a minute. We had this massive spectacular fallout mentally from Kenton. And then it disappears for what? Six weeks? Or four weeks? Gets the cash. And basically, things are fine. And I just throw that up just to show the level of detail, clever writing, the long drawn out process of this gas lighting storyline compared to that. Yeah. You know, Robin Helen are sucking up all of the oxygen on this thing. And it's a very powerful storyline. Yes. But come on. It's so unbalanced. Yeah. No, that was so unbalanced. I completely agree. That was like, right. That's done. Next. That, you know, the storyline between David and Kenton. It was ridiculous. You know, it's, and I keep, I flick between saying this is brilliant. And it is really, really good. But just saying it's just really unfair to all the other characters. Because Robin Helen are getting all the best lines. All of the, they're getting all of the new ones. They're getting everything is just devoted to that. And I said, many, many, many months ago, really, this has been the Helen Archer show for nine, three years now. Yeah. Arguably since the birth of, before the birth of Henry. Yeah. It's been the Helen Archer show. Yeah. It really has. Yeah. You know, and she's a great character. You know, we kind of, even though she's the victim in all of this. You know, it's not as if people actually like her. And I, or identify with, with her as a character. Even though she's so obviously the victim. Because she's this kind of complex character and you nailed her a few months ago. In terms of her motivations and stuff. But come on. You know, just, all I'm saying is. Sharing out a bit. Yes. Yes. Please. Mr. O'Connor. Come on. New year. Let's start with a blank, clean slate. And let's have other characters having, you know. Well, hopefully by New Year, this bloody storyline will be resolved one way or the other. Because either Fallon and Kirsty will have, you know, something will have happened, either something will happen with the baby or Rob's true colors will be revealed one way or another, won't they? I can't see this. This has got to be the big Christmas day new more and then we'll have a bit of, you know, people hiding their bits behind a droopy spider plant for light relief, won't they? Which reminds me, I've got stuff to say about people hiding their bits behind droopy spider plants. Have you? Cranky. Yes. That'll be at the end of the show, folks. Okay. We've had an email from Ricky Cole in Kenya. The archers is so gripping at the moment and not in a good way. I can't bear Rob with that nasty little chuckle saying things like I've never been any good at lying and telling Helen she's rambling and telling everyone their business like the pregnancy and the stepparental order when Helen is killing so uncomfortable and stuff about barrow farm. And if the cows have botulism, does the dairy have to stop selling or lay milk immediately? Good question. I do not know. I must have. Yes, it must be. They'd just be put on stock, wouldn't they? No, I don't know. But the great line to Sue from Susan, no, the great line to Susan from Linda, your audience wants to see more of you made her laugh out loud. I liked it when Susan said, I only take, Neil's the only one who gets to be with my top off and not even, and not even that very often or something. Poor Susan. Such a great character. Are you confident with your body, Lucy? Am I confident with my body? Well, I wouldn't do calendar girls. But no. Yes. I don't really care. I think there are more interesting things to think about, really. I think we've developed a society now, which is upset that it's kind of, sorry, I'm going to go off on a rant now, but. Oh, please do. That's lost its ability to just be grateful to your body that it's healthy and it gets your places and it does what you want it to do. And instead, we kind of put strictures on it in the same way that we do everything else. And it's just this narcissism, this obsessive, people have stopped looking out. They look in and this continual self-improvement thing, which just stops them engaging with other people, really, and all the selfies and all that. You don't judge yourself by what you feel about it. You put yourself up for judgment by a jury of strangers. Hello? You surprised me with the depth and the nuance of your critique on our self-image there, Lucy. Yeah. Well, I think because I have a teenage daughter or just about to be teenage daughter, I do think about this stuff quite a lot. And you hear, you know, you hear mother's despairing, oh, she wants to go on a diet and she's 12. And you think, but that's all you talk about, you know, oh, no, I'll be naughty and have another piece of toast and you think, oh, shut up. If you want to be naughty, shoplift, that is not being naughty. God. You know, and then they wonder why they're daughter, sir. But I suppose though, I came at this by asking you about, are you confident with your body? And then you've talked about self-image, which isn't exactly really the same thing, is it? I don't really care, I think, it's probably, I wear what I want to and I don't really feel much pressure to do what, yeah, yes, so I suppose I am. Picture this, you're halfway through a DIY car fix, tools scattered everywhere and boom, you realise you're missing a part. It's OK, because you know whatever it is, it's on eBay. They've got everything, brakes, headlights, cold air intakes, whatever you need, and it's guaranteed to fit, which means no more crossing your fingers and hoping you've ordered the right thing. All the parts you need at prices you'll love, guaranteed to fit every time. eBay, things people love. Nah, not quite. What's up? Ah, sell my car and carvana, it's just not quite the right time. Crazy coincidence, I just sold my car to carvana. What? I told you about it two days ago. When you know, you know, you know, I've even been dropping it off at one of those sweet car vending machines and getting paid today. That's a good deal. Oh, great deal. Come on, what's your heart saying? You're right, when you know? You know. Sold. Whether you're looking to sell your car right now, or just whenever feels right, go to carvana.com and sell your car the convenient way, terms and conditions apply. The holidays are all about sharing with family, meals, couches, stories, grandma's secret pecan pie recipe, and now, you can also share a cart with Instacart's family carts. Everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are, so you don't have to go from room to room to find out who wants cranberry sauce, or whether you should get mini marshmallows for the yams or collecting votes for sugar cookies versus shortbread. Just share a cart and then share the meals and the moments. Put the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus enjoy free delivery on your first three orders, service fees and terms apply. Yeah, I don't care. Hmmm. Okay. Why? I was just asking for a friend, that's all. What do you mean asking for a friend? A friend wanted to know if you were confident getting your kit off. Why? For the for the dumb, I'm calling. Oh my god. And you took this a whole other intellectual level, if you thought your bosoms were perky enough to be on this. Yes, they are. I am looking down at them now and it is looking like an aerial shot of the M3, so yes they are. I'm asking for a friend. It's Andrew Horn. I mean tell you a podcast which I was pointing the direction of which is rather good. My dad has written a porno because it's genius on so many levels. Yeah. And this guy's dad has written a porno and he's trying to put it on Amazon self-publish. And I forget how he discovers this, this guy and he says oh my god, you know, my dad's written a porno and it's just incredibly shit. It's so bad. Right. That would kind of be better though, wouldn't it? Yeah, it's just it's genius because you know now because this thing has rocketed into like the top 10 of the iPhone's chat because him and three friends just read it out and just piss themselves laughing. It's absolute genius. Every line that dissect it and then as you know and it's like, so she took off her bra and her breast plummeted to the ground. It's laugh out loud funny and of course now his dad's going to get loads of people buying his book. Who's next? Are we done with the spoon? I don't know what I said. I can't even remember what the call said. I just know that Angus had this kind of kind of wine, but we've done with the spoon. Oh, okay. Then we did an email. We got another email. Kenya. Yes. Yeah, darling. Janice Lynch wanted to say that she started listening to the archers 33 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter who is now a vet because we said last week we don't have any pets. Oh yes. And so is our husband. We do check Vettie story lines with my son-in-law Lawrence who is helpfully a specialist from farm animals. And he says the cow death business is totally authentic and mirrors an actual case where hundreds of cows were lost very quickly in similar circumstances, blimey. And just because we always want to know what he would do, she was a family law solicitor. She's like, "Usha!" But she had to give up due to stress after 25 years, too many cases like Robin Helen. Yes. And now she works in a library. That sounds much nicer. Um, and my other daughter went to Oxford from a comprehensive school here in the north. So go, Pip. Go, Pip indeed. Not Pip. Go. Phoebe. Yes. Yes. And I'm talking about Robin Helen and having a slight leap of the imagination. Not quite the same relationship, but a few episodes ago I did say to people, "What should I be watching?" And many people said, "Dr. Foster." And I actually caught up with it all yesterday. It's rather good. Rather good. I love Sir Anne Jones. Oh. Love her, love her, love her. Love to from Corry Days. She's most awesome. And did you watch it? No. Well, she just plays the line between bright bonkers, obsessive, crazy on the edge just so well. And you don't kind of know, you know, kind of how to take her. But it was very good. Very good. So thank you. All those people that said Royfield, "Watch Dr. Foster," because it was very good. I've been watching Mr. Robot. Ooh. What's that about then? Ooh. It's about hackers. It's really good. I'm very interested. It's very good. Yeah. It's Amazon. It's on Amazon. Oh gosh. I'll give that a what. It's really good. Jacqueline Beto, "I want to express my absolute relief." She is confident with her body. Is she? Good. Yeah. Well, I think it's just that Brookefield has been headed off. Jill was always going to go back. It was a long and painful journey. Ruth has always irritated me that these last few months she has totally got on my wick. Someone on Twitter said, "Can't any of them put on a supermarket order to be delivered to them?" So true. Frankly, I thought it was lazy script writing. Here, here, Jacqueline, I completely agree. It was. And it was just ridiculous. And it was sort of demeaning as well to the whole family that we're expected to believe that none of them, who can run a successful business, can not organise getting, you know. Even if they decide ready meals, at least they'd be, you know, just get 20 ready meals and then at least you've got something and their bloody freeze up, which is already full of meat, has it hills, meat anyway. You know, there's a farm shop. It's just ridiculous. It is so stupid and so patronising that we're expected to swallow this shite. Anyway. You are right. If nothing else would be a whole load of ready meals, it wouldn't have been a word. But yeah, I don't know because I just thought, well, they lived on a farm. If you just don't agree, you just rung the neck of a chicken or something. I don't know. Isn't that how it works? Ooh, they're all out of beef for the slaughter of cows. It's not cold comfort, well, I have been rastaging the meadows. Yes. Anyway. Hi. Hi, very good. Thank you. There's two dirty sets of hills here. Just a couple of quick things, really. The family of them will need to buy some extra grain to start full-feeding their geese next weekend. So any sign of the grain shows that they've got a bit more of an idea of selling geese livers, a high premium dress. And the second thing is, I really weren't used to be eating a handle pile once you asked just to come back. I'm sure you'll give her an abstracted play or something to make up for it. But come on those. You keep the poor old deer out. She was 85. So, here's hoping that you'll be back under the loose, very, very quick, maybe bad weekend. Okay. Let's see if we can get him in 14th. So, enjoy your 60-year-old sonning it. Bye. Loosey, loosey, loosey. What are you going to be doing in approximately two weeks' time? I'm going to be appearing topless at the Dumpty Dum dinner. Ooh. Can't play that. Shoot a calendar or something. Are you going to turn up Lady Gudiver-like? Yep. Really? Yep. You're going to ride through the streets of London on a horse in the buff. Yep. Or you're just going to wear a Mac. Or in Scout Hut if raining. Uh, yeah, I'll just wear a Mac. Think. PVC Mac. Wonky. Very hot, you know. It's horrible. You need it off. You need to wear something that will breathe, loosey, because it'll, ooh, it'll be. It's not quite the same, is it? So, um, you're going to be at the dinner, don't I? I am. Well, um, some of your pals are going to be there, too. Good, good, good. And you, dear listener, can be there, also. Now, we only have limited tickets, uh, they are going like hotcakes, and, um, you need to get, like, pronto. Because we can't, we have to tell the restaurant before nobody can turn up. Exactly. They need numbers, folks. Yeah. From this West Indian style to the last minute, because you're all good British people who might be organized, not like my rabble that I've come from. Right? So you, seriously, though, because we need, we need the numbers. So if you want to go, you need to get on to dumb to dumb.com, and then you'll see the little graham seed tab over on the right, hit that, and, um, and then book your question. I wish Yoko Bear was coming. Me too. And goddess diva. Yeah. Yoko Bear is my, is my... What do you mean? Yoko Bear. No, Yoko Bear is my twin soul, because everything he says, I agree with, and everything that makes him laugh makes me laugh. And I want to meet him. What? Do you fancy Charlie as well? No. Apart from that. You don't. That's that statement's incorrect thing. Sorry. You don't agree with Yoko. He says. No, I don't. Do you agree that Swindon is the epicenter of the universe? Of course. What... You... As any fool. No. Swindon is the epicenter of the universe. Mm. Yoko Bear, if there's any way you can make it, you've got like about 13 days to, to find that way and sort it. And Brinkon is diva with you. And hopefully, the rest of the other listeners of the Dummy Dummy Universe, because you've got to come, because we're not going to see you before 2016, because that's the last Dummy Dummy event of the year. Oh. Mm. Other than the calendar, of course. So, so we've done emails and calls. Yep. All right. It's smashing. Right. I tell you what, I'm going to have a little sit down and a little, sit down with a little bit of coffee and you're probably going to have something a little bit stiffer, aren't you? As my dad would say, you're going to have a hard drink. You can buy it in some alcohol, Lucy. No, I'm not. We normally do. It's our last 10 on a Monday morning. It doesn't normally stop you. Anyway, let's come back to the other side and we'll find out what your hashtag #TheArches tweets of the week are after we speak to Millie Bell. It's the story of a cultural superpower that danced and sprinted its way to success. It brought the world reggae, calm power, rasters, hip hop, bob molly, much more. Its story is told to you in full color for your podcasting years, it's the story of how Jamaica conquered the world. Search for it on iTunes, how Jamaica conquered the world, it's probably the best least known podcast and podcast on. Search for it today. My name is Kate. My name is Jo. My name is Nicola. My name is Suzanne Herkemi. My name is Mary Parkinson. I am in Hope House as a client. I have had addiction issues through my podcast. I was literally needing to sort of heroin and addiction drugs and methadone. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. So, I'm going to talk about it. Hello. Just a quickie. Sarah Smith's cloths are really useful. If you soak them in gin, they make a marvellous Molotov cocktail if you ever get the desire to burn down a yurt. Sarah Smith for the posher washer. Fancy getting your mouth around something warm. Something comforting you can really get a firm grip on. Why not buy a dumb dum dum mug from the shop at dumdum.com. That was damn lovely. Good day everyone. Millie Bell here. Just as I went to start recording, we had the most extraordinary storm here, thunder and lightning and torrential rain, and I've had to mop up the veranda to stop the water getting under the house, which we don't want. And I've also had to mop up one of the gold bedrooms because the rain came so fast the gutters couldn't cope. Anyway, part of the fact that I'm now completely sodden, we're all fine here. Thank you for asking. This week, as usual, has been very busy on all of her Facebook pages and Elaine McGlone on Ambridge Addix said, "Just heard the repeat of last night's episode and noted Eddie shouting at Charlie. He has bought a diseased ambridge and it occurred to me that is what Clary did when she released e.coline to bridge farm products, glasshouses, Eddie, glasshouses." Sandra McCarthy on Ambridge Addix says, "Dear Ruth, out in the real world, will women get up? Do pack lunches, commute an hour to work, standing because there are no seats, put in a full day's work, commute for an hour home, get the dinner, do the housework and so on, and still manage to whiz around the supermarket once a week for food to stop bloody whining and get on with it." That was a very popular thing during the week. Cheryl McCulloch says, "I love Oliver. I love him. Oliver is that bit of good love for Ed needs. Ed sounds better and I hope he comes up with something viable. I cannot believe anyone would take their brother seriously and if they get anywhere on the back of Pittsburgh, I will be cross. I can't believe David was so relaxed about her doing all the work for the business plan." Cheryl was saying this on the artist's anonymous and on Ambridge Addix Jackie Brown said, "Well, now interesting. Rob's utter selfishness and controlling behaviour played right into Helen's hands because she was able to go back and see Kirstie again." No wonder the continuity announcer called it Nemesis. It's so lovely to have Kirstie back and this was another really good episode, I think. Kellen is on the edge of spilling all the beans." Angela Williams on artist's appreciation said, "So Rob has taken over Helen's life, he's taken over her body, he's taken over her son and decides what's good for him. He's taken over the shop project and now her parents are his parents and she's not invited. Kirstie, now you're back, do something to stop this obnoxious bastard. I have to say that my current partner was smart enough during all four of my pregnancies not to tell me how I should be feeling because if he had said that, he would have been feeling something and it would have been a little bit more physical. That's just to buy the buy. Mark Hens in artist's appreciation said, "Amazing how all the characters in Ambridge seem to be able to recall every character and calendar goals instantly. Not only that, Mark, but can I let you know that you actually currently cannot use account goals for amateur productions? It's not available. As far as I know, unless of course the Ambridge Fairies involved, which she may well be, he or she, Alison Abel Mabel in the artist and none of us said, "I didn't expect it to look so much like a baby," says Rob or neither did I. Something with a pitchfork, cloven hooves and horns would be more on the mark. Oh dear, that's really not going to go away, is it? On our site this week, we were asking whether it mattered if Pete did the business plan for their brothers. Andrew Horn says, "It only matters if they pass it off as their own work." Susanna Taylor said she found the opportunity to develop the business plan. Their bread phone may have the capital to invest, but without Pete, they have no business. Adam has any sense he will demand that Pete is the director of their business, and if Pete bit has any sense, she'll get a decent profit share, though personally I would say if Pete has any sense, she won't go anywhere near it. So, Susanna Taylor says, "Don't look for free people, especially not for superficially charming fly-by-nights, whose father has "boffed" you wrong to. I've never heard it called boffing before. Bob Taylor said, "I am waiting for Nancy Banks Smith's verdict on this, aren't we all?" And Nancy Dicky says, "Will matter to Adam if he's deppy enough to go into business with them on the strength of it?" So lots to keep us talking this week, it's always utterly charming to be talking with you, and we'll have lots more for next week, so until then, and here's something we have no more rain today, otherwise I will be struggling. Hooray! Thank you, Miss Bell, Lucy, what don't you tell us what your #TheArches tweets of the last seven days are? M. of Johnson said, "Hashtag Scruff is trending 8th on Twitter, shorter than #PutrifyDogPelvis I guess." And Rocino Conner, this interesting lot of people... I Irish name. Rocino Conner said, "Fictional dead dog in a radio show trending on Twitter, well done, Britain." I had the little thing with a Roshin, a clafferty, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I went to Ireland once, she had flame red hair, yeah, she'd lovely." In the exchange between Kirstie and Helen, Claire with an eye said, "I felt a great disturbance as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, tell Kirstie Helen." There are shed loads of these this week, Gareth, who is G.J. Mark Hugh said, "Next week on #TheArches, when Linda realises that the photographer and calendar girls get his kit off, people remember, Chris Carter exists, yes, that's probably very true, Caroline Lloyd said after the tweet along, "Thank you all for being as marvellous as ever. We can get through calendar girls and defeat Volderob #StrongerAsOne, yes, we do sometimes feel as if we are a bit under siege at the minute, I do anyway." And this is the truest thing about male/female relationships I have ever heard from Claire Doherty, who's at Dot Stereo on the Twitters. We should fancy PC Burns, we would actually fancy Charlie, but we've all ended up with a Toby after six pints. Oh, Claire, that is so depressing. Do you think we'll be able to confirm that statement? I think he probably would. Oh, that's it. Yeah. Can I just quickly say, and I forgot to say this before, all those people that says Kirstie's going to come back and save the day, it looks like they're going to be proved to be correct, aren't they? And even Fallon's getting kind of, not even Fallon, because it should be Fallon really, but her sort of, she's saying, oh, it's really strange that they just left the party without saying goodbye or, you know, it's strange that Helen's got pregnant so quickly and all this sort of stuff. There is stirrings afoot, which is great as Helen appears to have been completely abandoned by her own mother, who never goes to see her in her own house, rings are up, makes any inquiries as to her well-being, whatsoever, and is happy to take entirely the word for her well-being from a man that, up until three months ago, she detested. So that's good. Yes, fair do's, right? Now, if any of that rings any kind of bells with you, you can whack it on our forum. You can get to www.dumbdumb.com, wait and go on to the forum, you can read stuff and commune with fellow Dumby Dumbers. Now Lucy. Yep. And that was the reason I asked you about, you know, are you confident in your body? Yes. Nobody wants to see me, Auntie Jean and Madame Bertot in the bus. Can you believe that? I don't know, I can't answer that in any way at all. Now, we somewhat jokingly were saying we should do a homage to calendar girls. We should do a Dumby Dumb calendar. You know, who's up for it, so to speak. And Auntie Jean, you know, and Madame Bertot said they'd do it and I went where I suppose I would too. Now, we've got you, haven't we? So that's, you know, it's January, February, March, April. Yeah. Yeah. Are you going to do it? Yeah. Oh, I love you. You're awesome. Right. So we just need eight more months, but I don't know how we're actually going to do this. No, I don't either, which is why I'm entirely confident saying, yeah, I'll do it. Because I don't know what happened. Oh, well, I don't think it'll happen either, but it's somewhat of a jokey forum, but that's the whole point of it. You know, you just go on there and you just like talk about crap, basically. Yeah. Awesome. Right. Now, the next bit's in red. It's basically the back seat of the bus on the school trip, isn't it? You snogging then. It's like your own paper. You know your beeswigs? What it reminded? The rugby was awesome at the weekend, but anyway, oh, remember, sorry, you can add your own articles to the site like Mike Hatton with his monthly character tallies and Chris Lois and his weekly omnibus round up. Now, it was Kate Unwin. That was lovely Kate Unwin, who said I'm even buying the flipping cloth. Yes, it was. Well done, Kate. Sorry, Kate. It's a new dummy dumber. She is. You'll have to do a call or anything and tell us all about yourself. Now, the next bit's not in red, but should be after I say we had a review in the iTunes store. Five stars. A support group, she's headed it by Kate Unwin, she of the cloths. The rotting dog's pelvis. Now, this is not often that one starts a iTunes review with the words the rotting dog's pelvis. The rotting dog's pelvis and ongoing abuse of Helen left me needing some kind of support group to continue listening to the archers. I found one. I am completely addicted and it has got me really thinking about a lot of the storylines. It is so good to know that I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings about the characters and the more ridiculous storylines. Keep it up, loving your work. Thank you, Kate. Love you, too. Yes, we love your work, too, Kate. And if you'd like to write a review, that would be like, gratefully received, because we need reviews like sheep need grass to chew on. There you go. There's my agricultural storey correspondent there, Boyfield Brown. Come from the city, I don't know this stuff. Anyway, so write this review on any of the iTunes stores that are the most excellent. Thank you very much. Please. Now, if you would like to help us out in another way, you can throw us the odd little shackle, now it's Christmas, so we're not expecting you to throw too much money our way. But if you want to, you can do this by going by following two of the following tips or one of them even. One. Go to patreon.com/dumptydum and find Dumptydum to support the show for $2. Two. If you want to simply donate, you can go to dumptydum.com and hit the donate button on the site. Now remember, you can get in contact with us. You can send us a voice message via Speakpipe. And as I said before, we know there are problems and I will speak to Vladimir and try and get it sorted. But if you're just still struggling, why don't you call us at 020313105 to leave us a message via your telephone apparatus and it will definitely get through. On social media, you can find us via @dumptydum on the Twitter, or you can tweet me when I'm @royfield. Me @lucivyfreeman or Sarah Smith @ Sarah_Smith. Also on Facebook, we are obviously dumptydum, so go on to Facebook, type in "dumptydum" and then you'll be able to find us and join in our merry-goings on there. What are you laughing at? Merry-goings on. It's funny. Well, they're not sad-goings on- No, I don't, no they aren't merry-goings on, they're just sad. They just sounded quite sweet. You see goings on. Merry-goings on. Well, they are. People kind of crap jokes and it's all, you know, full of bonnermin camaraderie. My grandma used to say that, you know, not bonnermin camaraderie, I don't think she ever said that. She used to talk about if somebody had a nice home or a nice lifestyle or whatever, she'd say, "Oh, she had a lovely going on." I've never heard anyone else say that. I don't know whether she made it or something like that. That's a lovely turn of phrase. Yeah. She had a lovely going on. Or that camaraderie and Bonner, me as reminding me of South Kensington again, a friend. But anyway, just before you go, I'd say, "Taraa." Me? Do you mean, or the lovely listeners? No, no, no, the listeners have still got about another 10 minutes to get through. Yeah. Soldier on listeners, hang in there. Chin up. You won't be ever seen. You got anything you'd like to say at the end of the show? Bear in your mind that I know there's going to be many a man in middle England who is hot under the collar about the fact that you're going to be on the dumbly-dumb calendar that you are April. The non-existent, the non-existent, dumbly-dumb calendar. Yes, I am. I am greased and ready for the dumbly-dumb calendar. I have that, yes, I have highlighted and strobe, but all the bits of me that need highlighting and strobing, and I shall pose in between my Christmas cactus and my microphone. Smashing. You're greased with goose fat. Of course, fair brethren, organic, vintage, free-range goose fat. Smashing. Failing that, Joe Grundy will give me a rub down with Bartleby's cloth. Ooh, what a lovely picture. Now, folks, we have a rather special conversation which we recorded last week with listener Amy Gilbert who, for her Helen's storyline, meant so much that she decided to kind of act on it. Here is Amy. Amy Gilbert. Hello, Amy. Hi. Amy, you told me that you were, you've been inspired by an archer's character and specifically a storyline which is involved in. Who's a character and why? The character is Helen, and I was inspired because she underwent IUI fertility treatment about five years ago to give birth to the lovely Henry, who some listeners aren't sick enough. It's lovely. And back then, I didn't really take much notice because I was quite young and I thought, oh, this is interesting, but I wasn't in a position to sort of do anything about it. It wasn't until a few years later, I've always wanted a child and it was a really big thing for me, and my friend said, well, Helen and the archers did it, so why can't you? And I was like, okay, so I went back and listened to the story in its entirety almost. Are you an archer's listener at the time? Oh, yes. I've sort of dipped in and out over the past 15 years. I've found the archers is kind of like God, if you like. It's always there when you need it. Whatever's going on, the archers is always there, it always goes on. I started listening actually in a very good year in 2000, and ever since I've just dipped in and out over the years, but I started listening regularly again after Nigel died. It was, why did you feel that you needed, are you I or IVF? I didn't have an easy childhood. I was in and out of care for seven years, and my mother was in a violent relationship. And when you're a child, all this stuff goes in. And unfortunately, in my case, it hasn't gone away. I can't trust men. And I wish I could because I've tried, but it was either I wait for years and years for something to come along, or I seize the day. And like Helen did really, you know, sort of take the opportunity. Because one of the things about this Helen story was that Helen did the IVF, what some people would say is that relatively young age, you know, she was maybe 30, you know, possibly in her late 20s. So this story was about five years ago, and you said you're quite young. So don't you feel that really you're a little bit young yourself to want to go down this track right now, and I understand what you're saying about the fact that you've not been able to to trust men, but you're knight in shining an arbor is just around the corner, surely. I wish. I think it goes a lot deeper than that. I wish that was the case, but as I say, I've tried over the past sort of few years. I'm very mature for my age because I'm 25, I've done a lot of growing up. I have had to grow up since the age of eight. So I had a childhood, but it wasn't what a proper childhood should be. And that's why above anything else, well, obviously I want a baby because I would like a baby, but I want to give my child everything that I didn't have, stability, proper, you know, a mother's love, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, I'm a lot older in my head because, you know, some people my age is still going out and getting drunk every weekend, you know, but I've never been in 20 of that. As I say, I have to grow up very quickly. Well, you've been into the arches. Yes, since I was 10. So you, I think a couple of, couple of months ago, Lucy, I think really quite accurately described Helen in terms of the fact that she sees herself as not being perfect and she strives to be perfect. And that's part of the reason why she decided to go for IVF and why she's had these relationships with men which haven't exactly been fulfilling. That wanted to paint too, too dark a picture. You paint a much darker picture of your childhood than Helen had, but do you see a lot of yourself in Helen? Sort of. I mean, I suppose I sort of sympathize with her a little bit because I went through problems with eating as well. And that was all about being in control. And I think at the time, I think, apart from Helen thinking of being a perfectionist, I think she also used that as a method of controlling parts of her life that hadn't exactly gone particularly well. So the eating disorder was a way to control that. I'm like that. I don't like being out of control. And I suppose I do really in some ways, I feel quite sorry for her sometimes. I mean, it's very interesting. If you want to be in control, the last thing you want to do is become a parent. You're going to have this new little life running around and they've got a mind of their own. How are you going to be able to cope with that, do you reckon? I think, well, being a parent is the whole brand new ball game, I think I'll just have to deal with that as it comes along, I suppose, as like when Helen had Henry, that completely changed her. Because I remember, actually, just after she brought Henry home, I think Pat said something like, oh, this is not like Helen at all, she hasn't slept, she's exhausted. Normally she'd be trying to make sure that she looked right and everything like that, but being a mother has changed her. Something on those lines, as I remember rightly, I've got to realise that some things are out of my control. And that's a very steep learning curve for me, so yeah. So how exactly does it work? Have you started the treatment, how does it all work, without going into the absolute uniform? No, it's absolutely fine. I'm happy to talk about the process. Obviously, when you've done all the paperwork and everything like that and you have to sign a lot of consent forms, which is very interesting. And then you select your sperm donor from either the European sperm bank, which is like Amazon for sperm, or the way I chose one of the in-house donors at the clinic in Glasgow. And then after you've done that, you pay for everything, you pay for your treatment. So let me just stop you there. With this sperm. So what did you say you wanted, like, podcaster, or what, you know, fireman, what's a criteria? Well, if it's from the in-house clinic, the clinic ones, you don't get much of a choice, unfortunately. It's about seven or eight, or however many they have at the time. But the one I did want, he didn't have any slots left, which is a real shame, because he was a tree surgeon. Just imagine telling you a kid that, by the way, that's a tree surgeon. So I ended up with James, the taxi driver, obviously that's not his real name, but yeah, you get his eye color, his hair color, his height, and he also puts a nice little message for the child as well. Oh, no, those are future parents and the child. I haven't, I won't see obviously that one for the child until they're 18, but yeah, it's a very anonymous, obviously, for good reason. They will only be identifiable if they've, you know, given out, if they've left their address and stuff at the clinic. The child has to find them when they're 18, you can't do it for them, it's got to be their choice. Yeah. Okay. So you picked your donor. And then obviously you pay for the pregnancy slot, which means that until you get pregnant, you can buy as much sperm as you want from that particular donor, if he's got any. Goodness. This sounds very agricultural, you know. It is a bit, isn't it? The way IUI works compared to IVF is that it all goes on naturally inside the body. Basically, it's the most natural way apart from sex. So first of all, I had to go for three blood tests in a week, and it took them a long time to get blood out of me. And then after that, when your hormone levels have reached a certain point, you have to inject yourself with a hormone called, I can't think. And that was interesting because obviously somebody had to show me how to do that. Why did somebody have to show you how to inject yourself? Because I'm totally blind and it's interesting trying to show a blind person, if somebody that's never worked with a blind person, I mean, the clinic has just been fantastic about all that. How have people been? How was the clinic? And then how have your friends and family been with the fact that you are blind and you want to be a single mother? Firstly, the clinic. Absolutely fine. They've never worked with a blind person before, so I kind of shook things up a bit. My friends and family, well, I got some of the same reactions that Helen did, really. Why do you want to be a single mum? I remember obviously Tony taking Umbridge to it the first for a very long time. My nan is kind of Tony, bless her. It's one of those things I suppose in their generation that you just don't do, you know, that they did never would have done that, you know. So she's still, I think, coming to terms with it, it's not talked about, really. It's more sort of... How much of your Nan's reaction is the social stigma of being a single mother and how much of it is she might be worried about you being a mother with a disability for one of her, you know. That's okay. A bit of both I think. I think obviously it is a worry for her, though she wouldn't say it because she's like that, bless her. You know, but I think it is a worry for her that, you know, she's worried, I think, deep down that I might not be able to cope, that, you know, I'm going to prove her wrong. And I will be able to. So when we spoke before, you said that this hasn't gone unnoticed. So tell us about some of the kind of publicity that you, going through, RUI, is generated. Well, I entered a competition by one of my favourite authors, Amanda Prowse, a few months ago, and didn't think much of it. The thing, what the tagline was, it was called your story, her words, basically, you enter this competition and if you win, Amanda writes a novel inspired by you, so she creates a character inspired by you. And she, the tagline was, "What would you do for love?" And I also put that, I was going to have a baby, the way, you know, by IUI and things. And then that I was blind, but that wasn't obviously the main point, it was the IUI bit. And then I didn't think anything of it, and a few months later I won, so I was very shocked. And then Amanda came up to Edinburgh a few weeks ago, and we met, and yeah, she's writing the book as we speak, and it's going to be out in February, February the 2nd, I think. And it's all, it's about my quest for motherhood. We did an interview with the Sunday Mail, the Scottish Sunday Mail, which was, which turned out OK. So you've got, the nation of Scotland behind you, your story's going to be part of a best selling book, no doubt. I hope. You've got, all the leases are done behind you, how much longer do you think, or is advisable for you to, you know, keep going through treatment if it's unsuccessful? Well, they've said that one in six cycles, maybe, I've had two already, and they also haven't worked. So I've just put it down to the fact that it's not my time yet. So I'm giving it a break for a year, a year and a bit, or maybe two, just to see, you know, where I am. I'm just taking it, sort of, going with the flow, really. But the next step is to put me on a drug induced cycle. I have no idea how that works, all I know is I have to take tablets, which is fine. So it's, it's a more invasive, it's sort of way of, because they have to check other things, and I don't know. But yeah, they've said that because I've had the two natural cycles, that they want to do the drug induced one next whenever I decide to. So the old romantic in me still says it's still enough time for your knight in shining armour to trot into your life, just to be on the safe side. Well, obviously you never know, but I, you know, it's like with Helen, again, she obviously didn't believe that was going to happen. I mean, obviously, no, there's still time, there's still time. Of course, yes, there is, absolutely. But maybe in my mind, maybe I was meant to do this. Maybe this was what was meant to happen. I mean, obviously we don't live in ideals, and this is not ideal, you know, but we'll see what happens. I mean, obviously I'm just going to go with the flow, really, and see what, what comes out of it. Thinking about going with the flow, how the hell are we going to get rid of Rob? I don't know, but he's got to come unstuck soon, really. I'm getting annoyed with Rob at the moment, really. Everyone is, I mean, that, obviously, that episode where, well, we think that she was raped, or, you know, that was, whoa, I wasn't expecting that, but Sean O'Connor has a habit of doing this, doesn't he? He sort of puts these EastEnders-style things in, like with the flood nobody was expecting that either. That's brilliant. What a brilliant week of radio that was. It was definitely a soggy week of radio, it definitely was, it definitely was. Scruff? Well, at least we've had a return of scruff, at least part of scruff, haven't we? Well, we think. We think. But no, I'd love to go to BBC Birmingham and have a look around, you know, in the Archer studio, and so with my friend Louise Blessa, absolutely avid fan of the Archer she is. Listen, you know what we're going to have to do? We're going to have to meet up you and I, and we'll go down there together because I've never been. Yeah, that'd be fab, because I travel everywhere, and it's such a shame I can't come to the meal because I'm in the nest that weekend, I would absolutely love to meet Graham, because I'd love to meet any of them really. Well, next time what I'm going to do is I'm going to coordinate it with your diary in name. All right. Listen, Amy Gilbert, it's been lovely speaking to you. Thank you very much for having me. No worries. You've been waiting all year, and the moment is finally here. Bolin Branch is the betting brand for better sleep, and their best sale of the year is happening now. Right now you can get 25% off the organic cotton sheets loved by millions of sleepers. They feel breathable, luxuriously soft, and get softer with every wash. Shop Bolin Branch's cyber event with extended returns for the holiday season. Hurry to Bolin Branch dot com and use code buttery for 25% off everything. Limited time only, exclusions apply. See site for details. 25% off fine jewelry. 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This week Peter Stirk sponsored the podcast on behalf of WaterAid – please support them. During Lucy’s monologue I think she implied that Miranda is not funny – so I am not the only one. Ed needs luck and some financial collateral. Lucy has forgotten that Helen saw Ian a few weeks ago when the coven were meeting at Gay Grables, although he has vanished since.
The South Kensington Lycee always had the best looking girls when I lived in the area – and Roifield confirmed that little has changed! Roifield also highlighted (thank you) the way Kenton suddenly recovered his mental health – an unbalanced approach by not treating the story with equal handedness. Can the New Year bring more equal treatment to all stories please?
Lucy has promised to arrive at the DTD meal in Lady Godiva style having confirmed her assets are in good order.
Meanwhile Millie Belle has discovered boffing.
The last 20 minutes is the story of Amy Gilbert: http://readingagency.org.uk/news/media/hoz-announce-winner-of-your-story-her-words-competition.html
I am sure we all wish her well in her quest.
Kosmo
On this week’s episode we have calls from:
Yokelbear wants to go on Joe’s ghost tour
Emily Thomas who wants Ian back
Jo Jo Sexy heels who wants humble pie eaten.
Witherspoon who wants to know how the entire village knows Calendar Girls off by heart
The post Dum Tee Dum Episode 82 – Rob revisionism and Amy Gilbert appeared first on DumTeeDum.
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