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Dum Tee Dum Episode 60 – Calls Galore

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Duration:
1h 27m
Broadcast on:
30 Jun 2015
Audio Format:
other
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Individual results may vary. Forging ahead together drives Colorado's pioneering spirit at Chevron. We donate funding and volunteer thousands of hours in support of the community's WeCall home. We also employ our neighbors to deliver the energy needed as the state's largest oil and natural gas producer. All to help improve lives in our shared backyard. That's energy and progress. Visit Colorado dot chefron.com. This podcast is a Roy Field Brown production. Find others on iTunes. Hello, I'm Sarah Smith, proud sponsor of Dumb T-Dumb. If you want to polish up your Albion, give your optics a wipe or even mop up after your ferrets, Sarah Smith cloths are eco-friendly, usable and washable. And, you know, a bit posh. Sarah Smith, available from Sainsbury's for the posh-er washer. Proud sponsors of Dumb T-Dumb. Doug Faunt would like to dedicate this podcast to Oliver Hazard-Perry, the ocean-going full-rigged ship in Rhode Island, USA. They develop and teach sea-oriented educational programs for secondary and college-level students who want to sail the seas. Donate to them today at www.ohpri.org. This is Dumb T-Dumb, the show at Rowley's Ducky Drama that has centered an ambridge in Heart of the Midlands on the Winter's Trophy. That is Roy Field Brown and with me at the Googly, that is Lucy Freeman and the most important part of our single-wicked folks is you. Now, today's rendition of Barrick Green is brought to you by... Who's brought to you by? Let's see. Let's do Vicky Cole again. Vicks, you've got your second week. Right, so you're brought to you by Vicky Cole now, Lucy. Can you remind our listeners who have scattered across the four corners of the world? If they're not in Kenya, if they're in America, if they're in Australia, and if not there, is somewhere else between or besides, why don't you just tell folks how that with the wonderful, great brilliant accolade of Dumb T-Dumb of the Week? Yes, if you want to sing us a Dumb T-Dumb, or shove a mysterious foreign man up the culvert, please get in touch via SpeakPipe on the site or Ring 0203, 0313105. Thanks to Harriet at Shambridge for her amazing voices and lovely Sarah Smith for sponsoring us. Oh, can I just quickly say something? Yes. You need to watch that chesty or that's the first thing to say. The second thing to say is I had a little look as I do every Monday at the Merrick Hall Dumb T-Dumb for reviews, and we've got a couple of reviews, that's all kind of great. Then I realised that Harriet has now put on her Shambridge's on iTunes. Oh, has she? Guess how many reviews she's got? I don't know. She's got none, so I implore you, everybody, to go out and give us some reviews because they're bloody brilliant, they're so brilliant that I'm going to end our show by cheekily putting on her very last one, which is about the election. It was so good, so funny, she does so many accents, and she's just brilliant. This woman is just what she's doing on our show, Lucy. I don't know. I don't think she doesn't realise, one day she's going to realise, isn't she? We're just never going to hear from her again. Exactly. I don't know what we've said to Connor into being on for so long, but whatever it is, we just have to keep doing it. Yeah, exactly. Let's just keep doing it. But she is multi-multi-multi-talented, and as I say, at the end of our show, I'm going to put on her lately Shambridge's and please go on iTunes and give us some reviews because she deserves them. Now, we want you to see more Sarah Smith action, so send us pictures of yourself doing impressions of archers' characters with a Sarah Smith cloth, whether it's you dressed as Jennifer giving your Albion a quick once-over, or maybe turning it into a Brian-style Krabat, we want to see the photos, and your favourite one will win a dum-dee-dum mug. Yay! Thanks also to Derek for the load of the back bedroom. Derek's cross, as he tried to help Pip and Josh out, no he didn't. He tried to help three be and Josh out with clues for the treasure hunt. They rejected the only one he came up with, which is, "It's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out my trousers." And the answer was, of course, his wife, Pat. Is that an old one? It's very old. That's wrinkly. Yeah. Right. Now this week, we've got calls for plenty. We've got calls from everybody in the world. I don't think there's anyone left to happen. Right, now this week, we've got calls for plenty. We've got calls from everybody in the world. I don't think there's anyone left who hasn't run us. Right, we've got seven billion calls. Yeah. Really? Yeah. We've got calls from the Inuit in the middle. Like, he don't even have bones. You are such a pedant. You take pedantry to new levels, you really do. No, I don't. I'm just a foil to you, and you're with your comic wit. Yeah. I don't have your rapier style lexical longer than what you are. I don't have your teeth. Teeth. By the sound of it. Teeth. Yeah. I don't have your teeth. Only you have your teeth, Lucy. I don't have your charming wit and your fantastic wit. So, I just have to combat you in the middle. Fact. When I get carried away. Exactly. Yeah. There are seven billion calls this week. No. What we have had is a bloody locker. Yes. Right. And what people don't seem to realize is it means that it's bloody longer for me in the edit. This week we have calls by the bazillion, as we've just said. And the first one is from Dusty. Now, do you remember Dusty is with my A1 girl, Lucy. Mm-hmm. She ain't anymore. Right. She doesn't respond. She doesn't respond. She wants old fish. You know. A nicer up. I flirt. And she just doesn't respond. How do you want her to respond? Uh. That's a very good point, actually. I don't know. See, now you're being like Shula. She's not giving me enough attention. What do you want? I don't know. I don't know what it is. It's on. But I don't like it. So now I'm going to go off with someone else. No. Ooh. I did feel hard done by. Actually, do you know who you most remind me of? Who? Charlie Brown in the Peanuts castle. Oh, shut up. I'm going to start calling you Charlie. Why, is that because I'm lying top of the dog house? No, that Snoopy lies on top of the dog house. I thought they both did. What with him being a dog? No. Charlie Brown didn't dance. So, dogs that normally time lie on top of kennels? Well, they don't talk and be friends with a small bird either, do they? That's true. That's true. All right. I never really did find Peanuts, particularly that funny. It's not funny, really. It's just, it's pathos and human nature. It's very philosophical. Mmm. Well, it was all over my head as a little kid and I just thought this is rubbish. But anyway. My test was on. So, we've really delved into it and Dusty doesn't like me. Right. But this week, she's fascinated by Ricky with the pimples. Maybe that's what you need. You've got a few pimples. Andrew Horn. Now, he's someone who likes you. Actually, Andrew Horn, he sounds like a proper gentleman, doesn't he? He's taking me out, you know, for lunch. You keep, you've said this about two months. No, no, no, he is. We've got a date and everything now. But he's taking me to somewhere called... I forgot what it's called. But it sounds like boobs. Uh, bangers. That's why he's taking me. You can't take somebody down, didn't you? I know. I said to him. Hang on a minute. I don't like hooters or something. I don't want some knackered Eastern European breast dangling in her start. But he said, "I thought you would like the innuendo," he said. I like his style. Well done, Andrew Horn. Barry Green, who's worried about anti-cardboard turning into papier mache. Midmi City, who is our second world caller in a rare. Yoko Bev, who's back, who thinks a wedding is on the cards. Lady Garth Garth, who doesn't understand Shuler, and she's in good company there. Goddess Diva, who can't either. Pussies alone. Mrs Bentos... Actually, I've got a big thing for her. I really have. She's my new A1 Wonder Woman. Yes, she's proper funny. And she said lovely things about us, and she written lovely reviews. Mrs Bentos, who is after Barry's crisps, are T. Jean, who thinks Ed is missing out, and Lucy's sister, Charlotte, who says that Lucy has got some apologizing to do. You do, you know. You absolutely do. You do, absolutely do. And I said, "and too soon." Because, and, bringing up the rear, we have JoJo Sexy Hills, who is depressed about scruff. But first, before we get to the good stuff... (LAUGHS) We have to sit through this shit. No, as can say, here's some even better stuff. Ah, alright, sorry. Go for it, Lucy. (LAUGHS) This week on The Archers was mostly brought to you by powerful hallucinogenic drugs. I don't know what the flaming nor the script writers were smoking this week, but it was clearly locking their socks off. There were more out-of-character shifts this week than in any other I can remember. It was the WINGLE SICKET. Someone shouted, "shot Rob!" But for one joyous moment, I thought someone had actually shot Rob. But sadly, he remained well enough to win the damn thing, get pissed at the ball, and then throttle Stefan with his own artificial insulator and barium in the culvert, along with scruff, sugar, Elizabeth's self-respect and Kate's return instinct. (LAUGHS) Annister was away again, keeping up with his contacts and doing networking. Oh, yes. Naked networking with ladies in a casino that specialises in fleecing the prematurely senile ret. Kenton had a sulky-pouty fit when he realised that David and Ruth were not coming to the WINGLE SICKET because he was. Despite the fact that the week before, he had refused to go to an event because they were. He cheered up momentarily when he was allowed another go on the megaphone, and despite all his constant worries had been able to cobble together a mixtape to accompany the WINGLE SICKET, Priorities Kenton, he actually unveiled his true feelings and shouted when David made the dreadful gaff of trying to buy him a gigantic telly, "But you are my younger brother, and I am older than you, and that means I am taller than you and bigger than you and cleverer than you, and you will never ever be older than me, so I hate you, I hate you." Which completely bewildered David and the rest of us, as Kenton seems to have abruptly switched. From Mr. Happy Girl Lucky Jack Millad to a raving loon on a park bench, "Your boy's house is big, haven't you all of you?" Well, I don't. 'Cause Jesus wants me for a sunbeam. Eddie has got a new job. He is now a builder. Hey? As far as I knew, he was employed by the unwary to do a terrible job of their patios, and was never employed twice by the same client. He also sold badly made pornographic gnomes and worked at the cattle market. He has now been employed, apparently, to build an entire housing estate or something, which is only going to end badly. The fantastically dull Open Farm Sunday is here again, with all the joy and spontaneity of recurring syphilis. We listen to the writing posters, we listen to them planning nature trails. Honestly, it is a truer test that the die-hard archers span than the ruddy Christmas play. If you can cope with the run-up to Open Farm Sunday without slaughtering your nearest and dearest to the machete, you can say, "Right you are, I am indeed an archer's lunatic." Will's transition into semi-licable human being is continuing with his clearance of the old prams, pitbull terriers, rocking chairs, and toothless ark and saw grandfathers from Edward's back garden. And then Auntie Cardboard did what everyone had been telling her to do for weeks. It's funny, isn't it? We've all been there, your home gets completely flooded. You put a pump and stuff in it, like you're supposed to, and you take away a few bits that you might need, and then you just leave it. You just abandon it. Everyone tells you you should pop back and check up on it, but you say, "No, it would be too upsetting." So your home, and some of your prized possessions, like your jewelry, is just left. With an electrical pump going in the house, and no one there to keep an eye on it to make sure the pump hasn't burned the house down, and the people who keep telling you you should go and check on it, they don't go and check on it either for you. And then, then you do go, and the place has been burgled. Who knew burglar's targeted empty properties? [grunting] [laughing] Jenny Darling completely threw Raw Raw Raw into the wolves, and left him to mother-of-the-year madicarnes, ten administrations. I wonder what he's doing up there, Kate Mused, as Rory struggled to climb out of the air and cupboard. Pip has taken to jogging round the village in the hope of bumping into a fair breath ring, so she can trip him up and then hit the ground before he does. And then, a horrible heart-rending episode in which we thought Scruff was back for Lindy bottles birthday, but he was not back. She was very sad and served the dual purpose of highlighting Lindy Bottoms' love for him and how sodding useless Lillian is in a crisis. She began whittering on about Lassie come home or something, and then ended up sort of saying lamely, "Well, you can just probably get another one or something, Darling. Thanks, Lillian." Have you thought of a career in counselling? If so, I should specialise in Brothers in Crisis. There are a lot of them out there. The end. I thought that was a bit harsh on Lillian. Well, she was a bit useless. Really? Well... The thing is, not everybody's a natural, kind of doggy pet person, are they? No, but if, to some people, you know, using a dog is like losing, you know, we're not a child, but it's like losing, you know... It's like losing a dog. It is like losing a dog, yeah. And... No, you're right, actually. If you've never had that relationship with a dog, then you wouldn't understand that. There you go. Yeah. So, a bit harsh on Lillian, and she was there, and she did drive her around, but she couldn't quite empathise, I'll give you that. No. But she didn't leave, you didn't leave old Lindy, but they're hanging, they didn't. No, she didn't. She didn't. So, I think you need to rewrite your monologue and let it in. Okay. Take that bit out and then say it again. Okay. I'll deliver it again next week with that bit missing. Good, good, good. Now, I think, considering we've got 64 million billion calls, because we decided that's how many calls we have, didn't we? Mm-hmm. Everybody on the planet has ever been invented and created in the whole creation of humanity's called us this week. So, we should crack on with these calls because we got lots. [phone ringing] Hello, Ambridge 3962. Hello. It's Dusty Substances here, the wrong sort of listener. Um, I'm just wondering how much creepier teaching or past to get before Helen realises what a complete SH1T he is. When we're Schuller or Adam or Charlie or Ed or Jennifer or David. Have the bottle to say something to someone? Mm-hmm. I mean, it's a bit risky, of course. I mean, look what's happened to Stefan. He's almost certainly stuffed in a culvert somewhere, steadfastly refusing to answer his texts or calls due to being a bit dead. Our only hope is that he pisses off Carol Tribogen. Nobody gets away with that, so fingers crossed. Um, finally on New East Island, Ricky with the Pimples. This is promising, I think. Uh, well, we're treated to this graphic description to show that Rob is a big anti-pimple. He's got pimplist tendencies. Or is there another Ricky there who hasn't got pimples? And we have to know which one switch I wonder. I think we should be told. Anyway, very exciting. Perhaps he's going to be friends with the buttons we shall have to see. Anyway, that's it. Love to everyone. Bye. Dusty Substances says how much creepier does Rob have to get before Helen realises what a creep he is. A lot more, I think, Dusty. Um, and she says Stefan is steadfastly ignoring texts due to him being a bit dead. Um, yes, it would be good if Rob pissed off Carol Tribogen. I agree, Dusty. I can see Carol Tribogen taking him down. She would see through his manipulation in a trice, I think, uh, in the sort of way that you hope Pat would, but Pat doesn't because she's too frightened of alienating, uh, Helen. But, uh, old, um, old, old, old Toboggan would have absolutely no such compunction about, um, saying to him, boy, no. But isn't the kind of, uh, the genius thing about Rob is that, um, the man's obviously an arse in his evil and his kill Stefan. Yeah. Right. But his only revealed is, uh, is horribleness, uh, in little snippets to different people. Yeah. It's not, it's not enough to hang him, you know, though Charlie has got his measure. Yeah. And actually, Charlie's had his measure from, from, from quite some time, Charlie's never really liked him. Which takes a son neatly to Andrew Horn, who is presumably, he says he's ringing in for his holiday in Turkey. He's probably in a bar called massive knock arenas or something. Hi there. This is Andrew Horn doing a cosmo and dialing this in for my holiday in Turkey. I have a couple of points to make about Rob this week. I'm sure lots of others will. It's had a bit of a chill through, through me. When he suggested to Henning be the, uh, happy, uh, organic face of the Barrow farm PR push, but you have to admire his ingeniousness. Ooh, not sure. That's a word. Anyway, his ingenuity and his brilliance, because what's better as an advocate than someone who is preeminent in the organic movement in the area, he's sneaky and so and so. Anyway, on the plus side, I do believe that Charlie has rumbled him. That the demise of the teaching orb is not far off. And he will find a way of getting ahold of Stefan. I think he's seen through it. He's too, he's too wily as Charlie. So, um, that's just about it. Um, except I'm a bit confused. Um, I'm sending this on Thursday. Lost track of the days. Yes, Thursday. And in last night's episode, there was a comment by Tom about it being a busy period. Glad he's got Ed to help, especially with Eddy not being around for the next few weeks, or not being available for the next few weeks. And I wasn't sure what that was about. Anyway, I hope someone can let me know. Bye. He said that it sent a chill through him, that hell that Rob would ask Helen to be the happy, organic face of the Barrow farm, uh, Open Sunday thing. Yes, it was a very, very smart move on Rob's part. And, and just dreadful that he could make her, uh, just relinquish all her, you know, what she believes in. She doesn't want to upset him. And, and he just, it just overwhelms her. Um, he says Charlie's rumbled Rob. Uh, and he said the demise of the teaching orb is on its way. Who are? But, you know, I reckon it's going to happen here. And I'm a little bit loathe to make this prediction because a few shows ago you said, well, if all you don't do predictions and, and generally I don't. But I think when Rob gets rumbled and gets run out of town, you know, pitchforks and all sorts, right? Um, Helen's going to discover that she's preggus. Oh. That's where this is going. Oh. Oh, I like that. I mean, I don't like it. It is horrible, but I can, yes. Ooh, hello. Yes. Yes. So even though he's going to get run out of town. Yeah. Yeah. Get him over leave. No character. Yeah. There'd be absolutely bonkers. Oh, you know, I think you might be right. Mm. I've been thinking about this all week. I've been tossing and turning in my bed at night with this. I really have. I figured it all out. Ha! You heard it here first, folks. Yep. Mm. All right. You can copyright that prediction. Next caller in a row. Oh, by the way, Andrew Horn. This thing, when they mentioned at Brookers that Eddy wouldn't be available for the next month is because of this stupid thing of him going off to be a builder for a month. As if. As if he's going to jettison. Is regular milking and the job at the cattle market? For one month doing something he's no good at. It's just stupid. Wouldn't happen. Wouldn't happen. Ridiculous. Hello. Good morning. Dumb to dumbers. Barrick Green here. I was listening to anti-cardboards. Understandable. Sobbing last night and wondered whether we might have to rename her anti-papier mache. The real question, of course, is who's been visiting her in her absence? Is this the time at which we see the return of honest I'm a craftsman I am. Darryl. Who knows? If not, then I wonder who else it might be. Will the village of Ambrage's very own carpet burns be on the case? Or will he be too busy trying to track down the missing bunting? These and more mysteries will no doubt be revealed soon. In the meantime, enjoy listening. Barrick Green. Hello. I haven't spoken to Barrick Green since I went to his leaving duel, which was much fun. And yes, he sounds very sprightly, but he's got a cold. So my finger's binging. So retirement is clearly not agreeing with him very much because he's catching nasty bugs. He is concerned about anti-cardboard turning into papier mache. And he reckons that Darryl could be behind the missing jewelry and things. And he said has carpet burns got time to deal with this. What with his urgent FBI search for a sodding bunting? Hi, it's Miss Niv City here. Thanks for another great podcast. It's been one of those weeks where the podcasts have been far more entertaining than the actual episode, the arches themselves. Thanks for the great new website. It looks amazing and I can't wait for the launch. It's going to be fantastic. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm fed up already of this new animosity between David and Kenton. I've said it before. There's absolutely no justification for it. What I can't work out is why Jolene appears to be frustrated by it herself and not in favor of Kenton's behavior. And yet to David's face, she's very supportive of Kenton. Okay, I understand why she would be. He is her husband, but he's about to drag her into a whole 'nother mire of debt if she doesn't start being a bit more consistent and telling him that he's complete plonker. On the subject of emergency puddings, when I was a child, my older brother used to dice an eating apple, sprinkle it with granulated sugar and present it to my younger brother and I as a pudding, which I thought was fantastic at the time. But now my emergency pudding is tinned fruit. I absolutely love the graininess of tinned pears and I love tinned mandarins and tinned grapefruit. Lovely. And Royphill says that he's descended from royalty. And so am I. Ever since watching Roots in the 1970s, my mother has assured my siblings and I that her great-grandfather was African royalty, who was sold into slavery by an evil, older brother or something. Anyway, I'm not sure of the lineage exactly. Sadly, I can't claim to come from Scottish royalty, but still, African royalty is good enough for me. What I was going to say about Linda was that I'm genuinely sad that Scruff can't be found because I really like Linda and I got a lot of sympathy for her because we've had, when I was little, we had pets that would freak when you just go missing and cats who come back after weeks with only one eye or one leg and dogs that unfortunately never came back at all. So, and it's really heartbreaking to lose a pet like that. But I do feel like I'm being manipulated into the miraculous reappearance of Scruff. I feel a bit like I'm being softened up for that particular episode, but anyway, it's Linda, so I don't mind. Yes, Miss Mid City says her emergency pudding was a diced apple sprinkled with sugar. That was made up by her brother, and he sort of conned her into thinking it was a great treat, so she ate it and liked it. But she said now it's a tinned pear, tinned fruit, and tinned pears, which made me go, 'cause they make your teeth go furry, tinned pears. No, they do, but they're nice though. There's something about that slightly too sweet juice that they come, you know, tinned with. And she said that, yes, she's our second royal cholera, because ever since her mother watched Roots, she's told her that her family was African royalty. You know what? That programme, or crumbs. I tell you, as a kid, right, there are two programmes that knocked our family's sidewards. It was, uh, Jesus of Nazareth, it was Robert Powell. It was that slightly before you all time. Yeah. Alright. And I remember when it first came on, I don't know, this is like '77 or '78, one or the other. And they ran it over Easter, and it was just epic, and he had the most scary, intense blue eyes, and it was just Jesus. You know, and my dad said, oh, this is Jesus. You know, no, Dad, it's an act of plain Jesus. But like, it was just like so, just like, it was just that shows such a hit. And then the other one, if you were black, is just Roots. Roots, Roots, Roots, Roots, Roots, Roots, Roots, Roots, Roots. And... Well, because you didn't see black people on TV. Well, you did. But, you know, you had Hoggy Bear in Star skin notch, doing all the crap stuff. Yeah, but not normal, but you know, not sort of hero TV or not drama TV. Well, yeah, it did impartiate. But yeah, I'm slightly trying to pull your argument to pieces, but really, that was the whole point. It wasn't just that it wasn't, it was a black person, it was black people. Yeah. It was all about the black experience, that was the thing. And even though Alex Haley made three quarters of it up, it didn't really matter. You know, because he's subsequently been taken to task and proven that he nicked this from that, this story and this, but it doesn't really matter. It was the experience, which is kind of undocumented. And for the most part, could not have been because the records were never kept of these slaves. You know, and it was just, it was important because of the symbolism. And I tell you, no black person in the Western world did anything while Roots was on. That was it. You know, you just, it was like going to church. Really? Yeah, oh God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the phone didn't ring. You know, nothing happened. You were watching that. And because you're watching all part of your own history. Yeah. So, hmm. And, but so subsequently though, they kind of got a bit weaker because he did do another series and he took it right up to the modern day where I think he was in the Navy or something or another. But Chicken George, Kunta Kinte, Kizzi, you just remember all the names. It was such an amazing, an amazing series and an amazing set of books. But hey, I've forgotten what we're talking about. Well, we've done tinned pudding. Oh, that was it. That was it. I was just like, you know, high fiving with a fellow black person. It's really the podcast. We're talking about the artist. Hello, don't stomach choke or bear here. Yes. She missed me last week. I just had a really hellishly busy week and I just didn't get round to calling in. But also as well, I've got a new job, which is fantastic. The great thing about it is, is that I'm going to be working in the same place as God. Whatever what could possibly go wrong, eh, and the great thing about it is not wanting to be greatest or anything. But I'm going to be a couple of greats above her. I have suggested to God, Esteeva, that I think it would be very appropriate from this point forward if she referred to me as Sir. She responded by saying that she thought it would be appropriate if she just kicked me swiftly in the danglers. So we kind of left it at that, really. Okay, on to the archers. The whole thing about the voices, I'm beginning to get used to the voices a little. There are some, there are differences, but it takes a while to kind of acclimatise to them. I think it will over time, it will settle down and we'll get used to them. It's been a shame, really, because I've created this new game. You know, like, who done it? I was playing with the archers with, who said it? Basically, a scene would happen. About 10 minutes later, I'd sit there like a Uricov light bulb going on and going, "Oh, it was Tom!" So, you know, lost a bit of fun there. Rob, well, God, what can you say? Colvert gate. In my head, when I picture Rob blocking the Colvert, it's like a Frankenstein film. The rain lashing down, lightning, flocking through the sky. And Rob hunched over the Colvert laughing like a maniac. But that's probably just me. I've watched too many Hammer horror films, so, you know. But I mean, I don't know whether he's going to get his comeuppance. There's a part of me that really wants this to be the bit where Rob really gets his comeuppance, but he's so slippery. The whole thing with sending Stefan back home was, well, assuming he's not murdered Stefan, it just shows that he's thinking one step ahead of everybody. And I think that this is actually going to get to the point where Helen and Rob are going to get married. And I think it's going to be awful. Absolutely awful. So, but there you go. Okay, not much else say at the moment, but yes. Yokel Bear has had a very busy week and a new job, and he is going to be the boss of Goddess Dever. God help him, that's all I can say. Exactly. I didn't hate that woman managed. And he said that he started playing who said it's, rather than who done it's, because after the scene's finished, he sits there thinking, "Oh, it was Tom!" And yes, I also had the Frankenstein image of Rob being sort of with rain coming at him sort of diagonally cackled into the wind and wedged tree trunks into the culvert. He reckons that Helen and Rob are going to get married, and that's the big thing that's going to happen before he leaves. I do hope not, because it will take a lot more untangling than if poor Helen can just escape with what's left of her. Self-respect intact. Yes. And Lady Gascaf, I've got nothing to say about that in Mr Yokel Bear. Sorry, have you got that? No, I hadn't, but you just ran on Lucy. Sorry. You didn't even give me opportunity. They've got so many calls, I'm worried that this show's going to be about a fortnight long. Go on then. What? You don't like that? Lady Gascaf? No, I had nothing to talk to say. I don't like the opportunity to say. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Hi, Lady Gascaf. Here, first time called the really with us in and listened to the podcast about this month, and really enjoying it. Thank you very much. Nothing really prompted me to clean this all, but having just heard today's podcast of the arches from Sunday, and hearing the levels being played over any questionable friends being booked in their hotel room. I had to comment, my sisters are a bit older than me, and the massive level of spans in the late '80s, and the '90s used to stumble in the house with their DMs, and started our t-shirt, singing one way, really loudly, so I was a three-year-old. I kind of ignored that, and that, along with the arches, quickly became part of my cultural heritage, but really nice to hear the two things together. I also wanted to talk very briefly about Shuler. I agree with Lucy, that Shuler is setting Alice's service, totally in test, so that he hasn't done job the passing, because he doesn't know what's going on, but I don't agree that she's doing it consciously. I think it's completely sub-conscious. Firstly, because Shuler is so pious, and self-righteous, and moral, that I don't think she could, herself, to do that intentionally, and also because if she's been stinking with it, she will run off and confess that Alice's or Jill or Elizabeth or somebody. In any case, I don't think she'll go through with it. I think she'll get to the blink of individuality and then sort of capture herself and realise what she's doing and run off, because we've had too many arches in today, which I've done already in the past couple of years, so I think it'll be lady-riding if she did actually go through with it. I don't really see, I suppose. I've been married now for seven weeks and a day. I'm clearly an expert on the subject, not really. But what I don't understand is why they don't just communicate and tell each other how they're feeling. I don't know why Shuler can't tell Alice that she's feeling neglected and needs some love and attention, and I don't understand why Alice can't tell Shuler that he's struggling and is feeling quite threatened by the presence of dot-block, why he's just buckling it up and shouting horse-painting and things get out of the way too much for him. It's beyond me, but there we go. Maybe when I've been marrying for 20 years, I have a right to call on on it, but what do I know? Anyway, thanks very much for listening to me, see you in a fantastic job and hopefully meet you soon. Bye. Lady Gaff Gaff is a first-hand caller in a row. She thinks it would be lazy script-writing for Shuler to have an affair with Dr Dick. I don't think that's going to happen either. Yeah, she says there's too much infidelity already, and she thinks that she'll just get to the brink and then suddenly think, hang on, what am I doing? I don't even think it's going to come to the brink. I think he's going to slap her down very, very quickly. Really? You think he'll reject her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just going to say, you know what, it's a long time ago, Shuler. Don't be so silly. You've got a lovely family, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's really nice to see Daniel's got ovaries, arthritis, et cetera, et cetera. Don't be so silly. And Alistair will be sitting in the corner, he's rocking chair, shouting, "Horse pictures!" Nobody's called in saying "horse pictures" this week, haven't they? Oh, Mrs. Bentos. Mrs. Bentos mentioned horse pictures. Oh, she did. Okay. And this is very sweet. Lady Grothguff has been married for seven weeks and one day, not that she's counting or anything, but she says, "Why don't Shuler and Alistair just communicate and tell each other how they're feeling?" And I think there speaks to a woman who's only been married for seven weeks and one day. Ha ha! Yes, that would, in the ideal world, that is exactly what would happen. And this is why, yes, this is very, very ideal world and it does not generally happen. Usually you have to reach a crisis point and then you do that after you've both sulked and banged pans around for a bit. And you know this because how long have you been married for? I'm not married. Okay. But you better qualified to comment. I did. Do you know what? The amount of time I've been with him, I feel qualified for the sodding George Cross. Erm, right. Hello, you two. Got a stever here. Been in a bit of a strange mood all day. I think it's probably because I've got to go to work on you, but a too beautiful kitten, Sylvia, Perkhurst and Frieda Catlow on their own tomorrow while I go back to work. So yeah, I was really looking forward to hearing Titchin' Obgetes come up and say, "But it didn't happen." It's left me feeling kind of restless and kind of like, "Ugh!" and a bit, "Ugh!" You know what I mean. Pop my boyfriend. Probably doesn't know what I mean. He's so good, this is so lovely. He's probably skicking through a forest with blue birds who lighters upon his head every now and then and then. But speaking of the drill, don't I, Gress? Erm, yeah. Scruff. For God's sake, either. Bring him home or don't. But really, this torture has gone on long enough. We erm, enter Lindy's torture. What, Lindy? What about? See, I'm in a really weird mood today. *sigh* Well, anywho, I'm back. Who's- who's dog is Scruff? It is Lindy's, isn't it? No. No, she lives! She lives dog! Jesus. Seriously, I think my mind has been addled by kittens in this next week where I'm back at work. It's just going to be real hard times for me. Goddess Diva does not want to leave her kittens. Er, she's got to go back to work. She's very cross. Then she tries to talk about- I think she's- yes, she's had too much- too much pussy time. Er, because she kind of descends into incoherence. She starts- she talks about tit-shin-ob, then she starts making strange noises. Ahh, sort of noises. Erm, and then she said Scruff belongs to Shula. Shula. Which she didn't. He started off belonging to Shula, but then Linda took him on. And then her call just sort of trails off and stops. So. *laughs* It doesn't really- she doesn't say goodbye, but it just sort of disappears. So, erm, yes. I think we can just write that one off as- Goddess Diva having a hit too much of the floor polish or something. I don't know what she's been doing, but she's not with it. Er, would you like to say anything about that, Royfield? Or not? Erm, well, I've got one little tiny thing to say. What is that? It's that, erm, somebody on the Twitters did marvel about your encyclopedic, er, knowledge, er, most things, archers like. And then again, you just proved it by knowing that Scruff started off with Shula. Yeah, but I was just thinking I can't remember why. Why did Shula give him- he was a bit of a nightmare around the horses, wasn't he? He was too boisterous and she didn't have time to train him. You're right. Now you're saying it. Yes, I think you're right. I think that's it. But I didn't even make that connection at all. You know, fair play to you. Well done. Hmm, I don't like it when you're nice. I sit and look very suspicious. I'm waiting for the punch in the mush. Mrs. Bentos is next. Hello, it's Catherine Beijing here. Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. At Mint Mobile, we like to do the opposite of what Big Wireless does. They charge you a lot. We charge you a little. So naturally, when they announced they'd be raising their prices due to inflation, we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you. That's right. We're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month, new customers on first three-month plan only, taxes and fees extra, speeds lower above 40 gigabyte C details. When it comes to weight loss, no two people are the same. 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This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try it at progressive.com. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates, not available in all states or situations, prices vary based on how you buy. Why is known as Mrs. Bentos on the Twitters? Before I start ranting about this week's arches, I just wanted to defend my emergency pudding honour. I heard someone saying last week that mouth trifle was invented by a comedian in, I think it was 1993. I'm sure he did do this, but our invention of mouth trifle actually happened a little bit earlier than that. In the early 90s when I was at university, it sounds like great minds think alike, but I did not want you to think that I had plagiarized an obviously very good comedian. He must be great if he's into his mouth trifles. That aside, I just wanted to give you a quick call about the little plot holes. I think quite a few of us have noticed in the arches this week. Obviously the thorny question of scruff not being microchipped, notwithstanding, but also Schuller's open-mouthed horror at the possibility of an empty house being looted. I wasn't quite sure the point she was trying to make was she saying that it was a little bit more noble to burglarize or rob somebody when they're actually in the house. Very odd. I think Schuller's grip on reality seems to be waning by the day. She could probably provide you with the precise GPS location of Danbot at any given moment, but seems quite hazy about everything else. And it's got a very peculiar grasp on what constitutes a good idea. Obviously meeting her ex in her cafe is not brilliant. I was wondering if it was the same cafe that Inspector Gadget Darling and Penfold used to meet. The now conveniently disappeared Stefan, but who knows, I don't know if we'll ever work that one out. But also visiting an empty flood damaged house with a sort of aged relative, who currently sounds a bit feebler than a comedy act on Britain's Got Talent, is not the best plan in the world. I'm not quite sure what's going on with Schuller right now. But anyway, on to my obsession this week, which is the dating scene in Ambridge, which I can't believe what a seeding hotbed of talent it really is. Quite a few of the regular cast are currently single. I just think they've got an embarrassment of riches to choose from, frankly. My particular favourites being mulleted Barry from the Bull and Ricky in the Sky with the Pimples. Ricky seems to be a callow youth charmingly described by Rob Tichner, who is barely capable of stringing a sentence together. But I would have thought Tichinogg would have seen this as a desirable attribute, because if he can't speak then surely he can't answer back. But my particular fave is Barry Crisps. I was wondering if perhaps Kate and he could give it a go. And if not, perhaps you could pass in my number, as he sounds utterly delightful. Anyone that can make his own entertainment with a packet of salty snacks and his own breath would surely win the favour of any lonely heart in Bausageshire. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed we get quite a few more mentions of him as he sounds gorgeous. Cheerio. She wants to stake her claim on mouth trifle, which is a sentence I have never said before in my life. She said she did not nick it from Peter Bainham, Peter Bainham probably nicked it from her, or they all came up with it at the same time, I don't know. She says lots of inconsistencies, yes, quite right, Mrs Bentos. Why isn't Scruff microchipped? You know what, there's absolutely no reason, no way I should say that Linda would have a dog that wasn't microchipped. Absolutely, someone on the Twitter feed said he is microchipped. That they can remember that happening to him. God knows how, I don't remember that at all. But yes, I agree, there is no way that he would not be microchipped. Yes, fancy, fancy, anti-cardboards, house being robbed. What a surprise and how unbelievable that she would just leave a load of stuff in there. She says, and she quite affancies Barry Crisps, who can amuse himself with breath and an empty bag of savoury snacks, and she says that she would quite like Barry Crisps and Kate Madicarnay to get it together. Making her Kate Madicarnay Crisps, which I think is quite catchy, or Crisp Madicarnay, I don't know. Just before we go, go where we going, are we off? And leave this caller, Catherine Vajant. That seems to be spent on sis. Yes, I love her. I know, you keep saying. I know, I just wanted to say that again. Okay. All right, cool. Now we can go on to another caller. Hi there, Dom Tiedemos, it's JoJo Sexy Heels here. Well, what a wait. Britain's Got Talent. You probably didn't watch it. I only caught it by accident. Group of five middle-aged men called Old Men Grooving or OMG, and oh my God, they started the semi-final, dancing to Barwick Green. Yep, a bit of a shock, but, you know, they got my vote anyway after that. And then, listen to the omnibus today, and still no scruff. I don't think I can bear it much longer. I don't know how Lindy's holding it together. Please, please, please, can scruff be okay. We want him found. I think it's the next weekend that the dogs trust having an open day near where I live in Northwest London. I'm hoping I'm going to find scruff there if the swift riders haven't found in between now and then. Anybody out there who loves animals support your local dog charities. Oh, gosh, Lindy was in tears, Lillian was driving around, couldn't bear it. Anyway, that's enough for me. Jojo Sexyhill said that on Britain's Got Talent, there was a group of five middle-aged men called OMG, and they danced to Barwick Green. Well, they walked out to it. Oh. But no, it started their act. It's what? It started their act. Yes, that's what she said. What do you mean they walked out? I thought you meant walked out as in off. You mean they walked out on stage to it? Excellent. Were they good or not? Yeah, where there was a... What they did was actually, it was very clever and it's very funny. But when you've kind of seen it once, the shock of these kind of, I think there's five or six of them, five or six. Obviously, middle-aged guys. One of them was quite corkulent. A couple of them had severe cases of male pattern baldness. And they looked kind of out of shape and just properly middle-aged. And they were wearing beige slacks. And we sweaters. So they came on and they said, "We're going to dance." And you just thought, "It's just stupid." And of course, they could really bust a move, so to speak. But after you saw it the first time, that power's gone. Because you know that in all dance, one of them started break dancing. One of them was doing the robot and whatever the heck. And then popping and locking. They were very good. They were very good. But, you know, I did... After I heard Jojo say it was cool, I did go on to YouTube and have a little look. And you laughed the first time. Second time, I'm like... Third time, not so much. But no, well done. Especially the fat guy. Because he can really dance. And he's properly fat. You know, so, yeah. Okay. Yes, and she's also very worried about scruff. And said that it's not fair of the script writers to make us think that he was coming back. And then he was not scruff. And she says else. Mate, I feel very sad. I know you don't care. You're not an animal person, are you? Well, it's not that I'm not an animal person, but... This is very... I think we talked about this many, many, many podcasts ago. But I've come from, ultimately from a culture where animals... Yeah. They work. Yeah. You know, my father grew up with dogs and road, horses, etc., etc. But he didn't have, you know, a Western relationship with animals. They worked. You know, he was fond of his dog. I remember the... What's talked about is his dog Rex. But it wasn't like, you know, Rex elicked his face and came in and, you know, and... And he came into the house. That's very on Jamaica and very on West Indian. A dog is always outdoors and a specific dog to do. A specific job to do, sorry. Yeah. So, and I didn't kind of grow up with pets. So, I'm a bit... Hmm. You know. I mean, lots of my friends have pets and they seem to be pretty nice and they... And on the other occasion, you've got to stroke them and... On your lap and... And you scream and run away? Oh, no. But it's not nice when the sniff you crotch that. You shouldn't have a smelly crotch. If you watched it now and again, they wouldn't smell it. They sniff everyone's crotch. It's just a... You just get to know them, isn't it? But no, no, no. But I think, you know, I'm not going to say device opinion. It doesn't divide opinion at all. You know, this is a... We're in England. We're in Britain and most people in Britain absolutely love their pets. Hence, on Britain's Got Talent, a dog act won. Yet again. Yeah. It tells you everything you need to know about us, Brits and pets. But I'm slightly slightly... Yeah, it's all kind of lovely, but... You know. Hello, Lucian with you. It's Antonine here. Yet again, wrestling with the vagaries of technology and hoping, this time, that you get my message. Because I did want leave one last week, but I don't know where it went. It got lost in me either. Anyway, here I go. Point of order, I think. Read the Fair Brother Brothers. Life too short, frankly. We need to call them something else. So... Fair bro bros. FBBs. Or Fair Brethren. But never the Fair Brother Brothers, because, you know, we've got life to lead, frankly. So, you can decide on that one. I'm one of the only person who thinks Ed's missing out a little bit here, because surely he's got enough land at Grange Farm to let the Fair Brethren have 50 acres for their flipping geese, and then that would be 50 acres he didn't have to rent off all over. Of course, there may not be 50 acres at Grange Farm. I really have no idea. But anyway, you're just a thought. I still think, though, that Ed is in for a beating when Charlie discovered that it was him that told David that the culprit was blocked at one end and not the other. And he wasn't supposed to be anything off about it. He was supposed to be keeping quiet, because that's part of the deal. And therefore he'll lose all the work at the estate, and that, as it will, will be that. Typically, though, can't give you a nice shot. Canton on the other hand. Well, would somebody mind volunteering? I'm going to give Canton a good old slap around the chops, because, frankly, I've had enough of him now. He's just ridiculous. He's the one that went out and spent the money when he didn't have it. And yet, David's getting all the blame of it. Well, I'm sorry. But it's just nonsense. Absolutely nonsense. Lovely Auntie Jean thinks Ed is missing out and that he is heading for a fall again. That he is going to be pinned with the culvert problems. Somehow, it's going to land on his lap. You know, I was thinking about it. She said he can't keep his mouth shut. But he hasn't said anything. And Rob knows that it wasn't Ed that blabbed. It was Stefan. You know, Ed is going to get it in the next somehow, but I haven't quite worked out. How does Rob know it was Stefan? Well, he's worked out, hasn't he? The reason why he said Stefan had worked? But he said to Ed, you're practically staff now. Mm. Then in the next episode, Charlie was saying to him it was a staff member. But he knows it's Stefan. That's the reason why Stefan... Yeah. But he's lent on Stefan enough for Stefan to go, "Yeah, Rob, I did see you." But what Ed did do was tell David. He didn't tell... Well, he said... He tried not to tell David, didn't he? That's what he was... Mm. He sort of said it and then went into reverse hurriedly because he suddenly realised, "Oh, sugar, I shouldn't be saying this." Mm. Anyway. I must admit, I'm slightly finding the cool thing and a little bit tedious if I'm being honest with you. I mean, they are... There is an awful lot of dragged out storylines. I'm quite missing the days where people would get pregnant and give birth within a week and a half. That was quite good. Or, you know, build a house in a fortnight. Erm. Ah, now. Lauren... This, I love this. I don't know if you read it. It was a tweet from Laurence Carey, but it was a DM. He listened to... He was having problems downloading the podcast last week. Mm. So you told him what to do and fixed it and then he played it. And he said, "Yes, I listened while driving. I laughed so much I nearly drove off the road. I then walked into a customer's house, told him what his other needed and his response was, "Right, you are. I had to go to my van to laugh." LAUGHTER Erm. That was very peculiar last week. What was peculiar? Erm, so what happened? So you do, so I edit the show and then you export it and it kind of mixes it all together. So it's in little chunks when you edit it and then it says, "Export" and it makes it all together and then I just upload it. And for some strange reason, it didn't mix it correctly. Oh. So when I fixed it, I didn't do anything other than just export it again, but it seemed to correct it. And it was the end bit of you talking with the beginning bit of me. So we were completely not to be talking across purposes, but not in a deliberate way. I was going to say, you generally are. How could you possibly tell? And it was most bizarre. Most bizarre. But I say to fix it, all I did was just copy the whole thing and send it up again. It's very bizarre. But thank you for our eagle-eyed, er, eagle-eyed. Eagle-eared, er, or bat-eared listeners. That's not very nice. Oh, really? Well, you know what I'm trying to say. Who didn't only just spot that, but then sent us a couple of DMs to say, er, you show some shit. No, they're in a very helpful way. Yeah, but in a very helpful way. Very British way to go. Oh, you might want to have another look at this again. Yes. No, no. Thank you for that. And it was done so, so quickly that I could basically upload it again and most people didn't even notice. But thank you for that. We do appreciate it. And now we have my sister, who has rung in to embarrass me. Mm-hmm. Hi, it's Charlotte. I am Lucy's sister, and I work as a chef. But I wanted to phone in because Lucy laughing at Royfield embarrassingly, but suddenly. She neglected to mention Royfield, but we are actually very distantly related also. To the Scottish kings, I believe there was a chemist and a Malcolm possibly the second to whom we are related. And unfortunately, I think Malcolm possibly killed one of Royfield's ancestors. I'm really sorry. So I think her laughter is merely guilt. So really good show. Thank you very much. And I do enjoy listening to it in my kitchen while I'm at work making cakes and things. And people look at me very strangely because I'm smiling and chuckling to myself. Have a good show this week. Bye! So it looks like I'm going to have to apologise for murdering your ancestors, Royfield. I do fine. Listen. Shut up. I knew there was something going on that evil cackle. But I, you know what, I didn't quite get it, but, you know, half the listeners seem to think that was quite funny. I think it was just me completely and utterly losing it that what was making people laugh. I think I was incoherent. So no one knew what I was saying anyway. But anyway, yes. But apparently we did murder some of your doofuses. So I apologise for murdering doofuses. On behalf of my tribe, I apologise, Royfield. Royfield. And also for laughing like a... Drain. Drain. Yes. A demented, evil, regicidal drain. (laughter) Yes. I am sorry. Good. (laughter) I thank you Charlotte for ringing in. Yes. No, no. She's the preman that I like. Yes. Now, have we got any more calls? No. All right. Cool. Well, this show might not be 15 hours long when in the end. Right. So let's have a swift break. Let's have a little advert from our wondrous sponsor. And then come back to the other side. Touchy Millie. Then we can do hashtag #TheArchesTweets of the week. I always think when you say that you're saying touchy a millie, it sounds like a euphemism for something and I'm thinking, what? No, Lucy. I'm not saying that. Touchy Millie. (laughter) A little bit of millie, a little touchy millie. Yes. There's something about the way you say it that always comes out slightly. Yes. All right. Fine. Yes, we'll do that. We'll do that. (buzzer) Fancy getting your mouth around something warm. If there's something comforting, you can really get a firm grip on. Why not buy a dumpty-dum mug from the shop at dumpty-dum.com? Those damn lovely. (buzzer) My name is Kate. My name's Joe. My name's Nicola. My name is Suzanne Herkemy. My name is Mary Parkinson. I'm in Hope House as a client. I have had addiction issues. I'm at Hope House. I was in the community meeting this on heroin and drugs. I'm addiction drugs. I'm at the refugee in Elkhar. I'm here because it got really bad. Hope House started off as an 8-bed unit in Maydavale. And we're in all women units. I know it's red and I'm not going to be at Hope House some months before. And when I read about it, what I read or what I took away from the article was that this was a place where women worked to help other women. Coming soon to iTunes, 1001 Conversations, a new podcast from Royfield Brown. Do you have a national trust sticker on your car? Do you think you could be best friends with Kath Kitson? Do you spend hours wandering around the airport looking for an organic quinoa cafe because you refuse to go to Burger King? Then Sarah Smith cloths offer you, available from Sainsbury's, for the posher, washer. Proud sponsors of Dumpty Dum. Right. We're back smashing super now. Let's go down under and have a little touch of Millie Bell. Good day, everyone. Millie Bell here. It's been a huge week on the book of Face, so I'm going to speed through these because it's been great fun. In Ambridge Adix, Peter Hayes-Forps said, "Who would have thought that Rob would have such control over Helen that he might even persuade her to ditch her organic principles and speak on behalf of a huge agriant prize about an open day that is in direct competition with David and Ruth? The man's talent knows no limits." Rob McCain, Ambridge Adix said, "Clearly, Charlie doesn't believe a word Rob is saying and doesn't seem to like him much either. And why would he?" Steffan's rapid return home on compassionate grounds for some dubious, unprovable reason solely sanctioned by Rob. Don't try and contact him, Charlie. Loney, speak to me, would be enough to set anyone's alarm bells ringing. Charlie seems to be playing this very coolly. Well acted and well written. Rob seems to think that he's dealing with all his problems. CSA, the sad, but now the flood, and sounding rather smart, he's even generously going to join the cricket team. The ride comes before aid. Tanya Stevens in the artist's anonymous says, "I never want to hear about sodding, bonding ever again." Audrey Coons in Ambridge Adix says, "Steffan will turn out to be the brother of Pavel. Pavel will tell Steffan about his fling with Adam. Rob will attack Steffan who begs him to stop by promising him a bit of juicy information he can use. He tells Rob about the affair and Rob blackmails Adam who uses Charlie's soft spot for him to persuade him to back off from investigating Rob's parting culvert gate, job done, or something like that. Sharon Evans has been busy in the Tony Archer Appreciation Society. She says, "I've got to hear Tony back to himself, moaning about being forced. First I tell you, on a cruise and missing silaging." And in upstairs at the ball, she said, "I'd like to tip Kenton's pint in his lap and say, 'Overcome that, you're a petulant baby.'" Susan Jones in the artist's anonymous said, "Would someone please pop Kenton in the bale and shut him up? He doesn't need to die. He could just be bailed, gagged, and made to stand in a field for three days while his mother and siblings take it in turn to telling what an absolute, ungrateful idiot child he is." Fiona Weir in Archer's Appreciation House, honestly, is everyone in Ambridge stupid, leaving valuables in an unsecured empty house, telling the main suspect in floodgate to assemble over the potential witnesses, not informing the police that there was a credible witness alleging that the culvert was blocked deliberately, buying a TV for someone who hates you, turning down a free TV and buying one yourself, although you have no money, forgetting you have a mother in Northumberland who was almost at death's door five minutes ago, believing Rob. I give up. If they were my kids, I'd be holding my heads in my hands and weeping by now. Nicky Smith said in Archer's Appreciation, "Kate's unbalanced yang is my new favourite character. Her yin is rubbish, though. It doesn't have the rod training." Peter Hayes-Frips in Ambridge Alyx also said, "I'm sure you didn't come here to compliment me on my soft fruit." The dialogue between Adam and Charlie gets more like Carrie on every day. Brian Entwistle in Ambridge Alyx says, "I think David should forget about helping the Kenton financially and turn to helping Lillian, who also has financial problems. David could buy Lillian's share of the bull and go in and say to Kenton, 'I am your partner. I love that.'" Jenny Harrison in Archer's Anonymous says, "If every cast scruff with a different dog with a final straw for me, Jane Wilson in the David Archer Appreciation Group says, 'Dear David, Kenton is beyond help, so just stop feeling guilty, stop trying to offer help, tell the rest of the family why, including Janeine, and get on with your life.' That Kenton finally fallen into the pit of bankruptcy, which he has been rescued from at least twice before by his adoringly stupid and short-sighted family and letting him come groveling for help again. One from Ben, the Ambridge cat, who says, 'Not quite in mourning for scruff, but getting pretty damn close.' Poor Linda. Incidentally, I was once considered for the most important role in a remake of The Incredible Journey. I was robbed." Lisa Gibbs in The Artist Anonymous says, "Not only was it cruel to Linda and us when the dog turned out not to be scruff. I have sustained injuries in listening to last night's episode There I was this morning, I'm in bed, enjoying a couple, listening to the podcast when Linda squeaked Scruff's favourite toy. Now, whilst one of my dogs, George is virtually deaf, the other, Tilly, is hugely noise-reactive. She was also rescued from a pound, so the noise of barking dogs also trickles lunacy. Lunacy in a book area is not retaken lightly, they are built like house bricks and a bat as agile. As soon as the squeaky toy went off, I had 21 kilograms of built area on my head bouncing. I just got her calm again and the noise of the other dogs kicked her off again. So I now have a very poorly-head, my coffee is all over me, and I have to change the bedding. And it wasn't even scruff." I wouldn't have minded so much if it was. I wonder if I can sue. On our page, it says, "We asked the question, Ed and Emma have just got back from their honeymoon. Where did you spend yours? And did you have to forego listening to the arches? As a penance." Catherine Beijing says, "Sisly and yes, because it was pre-I player. I missed the grumbies moving into Willow Farm in a caravan. Ruth coming back to milking after her illness, and this shocker. What has George done to his onions?" Now I'll never know. Chris Sunderland said, "We had a week in Chester 30 years ago. One day we went for a walk along the D, where we encountered the police dragging a body out of the river." Very romantic. I wasn't an arches listening back then, by the way. Kiara Mangan says, "Belise, just back two weeks ago. With Wi-Fi, even in the rainforest, I didn't miss an episode. You've got to have a bit of downtime." Robin Wilson Proctor says Hawaii, but that was long before I knew about the arches. Heidi Griffith says, "Didn't have one. About 25 years on. I'm going to make up for it." Jacqueline Berthos said, "Canyon, I missed two whole weeks. It was terrible as I was away when Phil died. This can never happen again." No, I guess Phil can only die once. Joe Jackson says, "Macanudo in the Maldives in 2000. I don't think there was podcasting or listening again then." Kevin Slattery? He went to Zac Infus for a fortnight over 20 years ago. He missed the arches and stopped listening for a few years. Shame on him. Diane Telford had a week in Dorset with her then toddler. And the arches was on most afternoons in the car. And Deborah Boney faces, "I was in Honduras, but managed to strain Kirsty and Tom's non-wedding. I think we can work out who they are, can't we?" Who ruined everybody? And I'll talk to you next week. Thank you for that. Now, I think we should do some tweet stuff. What do you reckon, Lucy? Akideki. Tell us about the best tweets you've encountered in the last seven days which have the ending #TheArches. The vintage year said Jolene sounds like a woman who's finally facing up to the reality of accidentally marrying a feckless book. I think the words feckless book are perfect for Kenton. Absolutely perfect. Cormac 70. There was a big, big, big discussion going on involving lots of people on Twitter about the new voices and how difficult it was to tell them apart. And Cormac 70 said, "Yes, evidenced by the constant, 'Hello, new Tom. Oh, hello, Rex and Toby. How are you? I, Toby. I'm fine.'" Now, the Archers Twitter account, the proper one, tweeted that "a quarter of parents admitted that they got all their farm acknowledge from the archers." Hinge Zandal responded immediately by saying, "More worryingly, 34% of farmers get all their parenting knowledge from the archers." [laughs] "Tabby Whisperer?" She was just quite a sweet little tweet because it was such a peculiar week on the archers. She said, "I thought fat Paul might be called that because he's skinny. Turns out he is actually fat. I've learnt lots from this episode." [laughs] And my tweet of the week was from Paul Morris, who said, "Sound of clanking as Stefan runs across the field with a sack of Christine's loots slung over his shoulder and scuff scruff under his arm." [laughs] Wouldn't it be good if they tied it together and when we were ever nicked, the stuff actually did have scruff? Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's slightly less impressive than your excellent prediction about Helen getting up the clanger when Rob gets run out of town. Exactly. Exactly. But it could happen? It could happen. But it'd be somewhat convoluted, though, wouldn't it? It would, really. Yes. Really, really could come. I just want scruff to come back. I don't like it. But what are the chances of that pooch is going to turn up again now? Well, no, I know. Was it three months now? Which means that the grundies have been at, um, uh, gay gravels for three months. And someone said, "on Twitter today, who is their insurance company?" "And can I join?" Three months in gay gravels. Unbelievable. Mm-hmm. Joe is, you know, eating his own body weight in kippers and god knows what every morning. Very true. You know what? I hadn't even thought of that. They haven't been there way too long, haven't they? Yeah. Then why would you even want to leave? There is something funny. I don't know what the, what is going on, but there is something funny going on with Eddie and Clary at the minute. Eddie's all of a sudden got this, so I've got to go off and build a house job, which never ever happens. And Clary had one sentence in that wedding. Everything that's happening with Clary is happening third hand. It's happening off mic kind of thing. And I don't like it. It's making me feel very uneasy because they are as big a part of the archers as the archers. And if they start messing around with them, I will, they will be a reckoning. Don't do what? You're much down to broad classing house with a placard. Yes. Like with all the other lunatics that parts down to, I'll drive a tank. Like that person did when Jeremy Clarkson got the boot. Mm-hmm. It's all about Eddie Grundy. Mm-hmm. I was chatting to somebody two, three weeks ago and they were talking about the world of archers fandom pre the internet. Yeah. And the fact that they used to be a big Eddie Grundy fan club. Yeah. And the great and the good of the establishment used to meet at some club in London once a month or one to be two, three months and drink to good health. And this was a serious thing for a long time. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you like your engrams and your, you know, your private I people and all sorts. And it's a real kind of who's who. The upper echelons are broadcast, BBC, et cetera, et cetera. Who were. As opposed to ASHA, which is more of a who's that, but anyway. You're slagging up our listeners. No, I'm not slagging off us. No. Well, listen. Not at all. We just provide a platform. We do. Yeah. For people to, you know, expressive use on the arches. Not about us. Not about us. Not about us. Not about us. Not about us. Not about us. Not about us. And relatives. Anything else that we fancy talking about. True. Now. Shall we just like get to the end of this show? Okay. All right. Smashing. Shop news. All right. All right. So yes, folks. This is the section where we tell you which Dummy Dumber has bought. What? It's shop news. Jacqueline Bertot has brought a large pet bowl. Which is somewhat apt with all this scrub talk. And then she followed it up with a. Junior spaghetti tank top. And women's v-neck t-shirt. Woo hoo. You go Jacqueline Bertot. Oh. And actually she went to Birmingham this weekend. Did she? Yeah. She went on some knitting thing. Graffiti. Knitting in whole green. Wow. Yeah. We had a little bit of tweet action with each other. A lot more Jacqueline Bertot. Now. Special props also need to go out too. Suzanne Hardy at Glitter Girl. Who wore her Dummy Dummy t-shirt to the product pilgrimage this weekend and tweeted all about it. So if you go on to our Twitter feed you can actually see her in all of her glory talking about Prudder and doing stuff there. Now. Ah. Reviews news. We're not going to sing it together. Sorry. Reviews. Reviews news. Reviews. Reviews. Now we are so close to the big 200. But we, well, I was going to say we only had one, but we had two. But I suppose the 200 are counting from the UK iTunes store. But actually I've got some iTunes news actually to come actually. Yeah. But anyway. Lucy. Yeah. Why don't you tell us which person in the UK wrote us a review? Lisa JT. And from the colony that got away. Morgan and white and white. Now. Here's a little bit of reviews news. I didn't realize that in April we got into the iTunes top 100. Did we? In the UK. Yeah. Wow. So we're going to do a 10th episode. Ah. Yeah. I bumped into this fact by when I was doing some Googling a few days ago. I was like, holy comeoly. I know we're like number 50 or something or another. So there we go. Cool. Caught indeed. Remember, you can be awarded the Order of John Archer by emailing us if your name is John. Or you can prove that you have a real link to a gentleman who goes by the name of John. And you will be knighted John the seventh. So this week I got my sword out and little Johnny Fryberg in the colony that got away. Has knelt before me to become John the sixth. Because he's nanocent through this email. This is from Maureen Fryberg. You are dubbing people named John. I just want to add my little John to the mix. He is our first grandchild born May the 25th. Congratulations Maureen. My son and his wife named him John. Even though he live in Iowa USA. My grandson John is worthy of your sir honor. Thanks for your consideration. Of course he is worthy of it. Absolutely. Little John the seventh. No? The sixth. Sixth. You can also go to patreon.com. Search for Dumpty Dum and you can donate two dollars a show which is about £1.30. Now if you're done doing your patreon you don't know by anything from the shop. You've written a review on iTunes. Why don't you just click the donate button on www.dumdum.com. And this week we have donations from. Felicity. And Maureen Fryberga. Just proud grandma Maureen Fryberga. Yeah. And also proud grandma to a night. Yes. I know. It is very rare that you are born into night hood. Remember, remember, remember. You can also send us a voicemail message via the site because that's the meat and grister the show or whatever the expression is. Or you can call us on 0203.0313105 from an ordinary phone that just like rings people up. And you can leave us a message. You can also ping us an email if you like or you can tweet me @Royfield. Me @lucyvfreamen. Or the both of us @dumptydum. Or Sarah Smith @ Sarah_Smith. So please, please, please keep those reviews coming because you want to be top of the podcast charts before Will Grundy is nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, that actually might have happened the way things are going. Who knows. I just don't know what to expect from next week. I don't either other than I think I've cracked it with the whole Robin Helen. Yeah. I think you're probably irritatingly right. Why irritatingly right? Because I don't like it when you're right. It upsets the natural order of things. Because I'm not normally right. Yes. That's not true. I was right when I said I needed a sidekick like you to do dumpty dum. And everyone else had turned you down. That's not true. Only one person did. Well, I'm very glad they did turn you down anyway. Me too, actually. No. Yeah, you're much better than him. All right, listen, I'm going to go now because I need to get some stuff done. Okay. And I've been a bit rubbish this week, but you were your consistent, normal, fantastic self. So well, don't you? Thank you. Well done, Lucy. Still making me very suspicious, this nice must be- Oh, shut up. Shut up. Just take a compliment and one is- Okay. All right, goodbye. Oh, goodbye. Bye-bye. Ah! Is he in here today, darling? Isn't it, Chloe? Vicky. Oh, yeah. Hello to campaign buses. All got stuck in what's left of the flood on the way to Birmingham. We're putting them up here tonight. Oh, is he Mr Cameron? He's ever so well-spoken. Oh, the other one can't help if he sounds a bit like one of Eddie's turkeys. Submit to do with them big lips, I suppose. Oh, she's only got a soft spot for him because him and his brother had that big bust up. Luckily, it's neither of them. It's them three women. You know, the Scots won, the Welsh won and the green won. Oh, yeah. Well, all we won't be voting for any of them. I'm not having whales taken away from us. Scotland's, well, I don't want that. But I've been on some lovely holidays in Abrogovine. And if I need to start re-knowing my passport every time I want to wake in to Caravan Park, Oh, will you, Linda? Oh, Susan, Clary, Vicki, Jolene, might I introduce you to Miss Bennett? Call me, Natalie. Oh, Natalie, we've been having a fascinating chat about Ruby. Yeah, well, we definitely wouldn't let that happen if we were in charge around here. Oh, yeah, you're like that noise, Mr. Farridge. A's very keen on keeping things rural. No, no, we're nothing like that. Here, Rose. Oh, hey, I've just been talking to Nicola here. I'd vote for you if I could, Nicola. I love the idea of a unification between Scotland and the Northeast. That was strictly between me and you, Ruth. Oh, yeah, I couldn't help over here. Oh, well, we had played Cumbria, thinking of unifying whales and borsacha. And in this way, I can guarantee no more floods. Yeah, well, we would guarantee no more roads. Well, I can guarantee no more austerity. Drinks on me, everyone. Well, I can guarantee loads more Welsh male choirs on Britain's Got Talent. Well, I can guarantee scrapping Britain's Got Talent. Well, I'm more of a celebrity jungle fan myself. Really? I'm strictly all the way. Oh, yeah. Why are you a de-rejected Alex Salmon from becoming a strictly contestant this year? Well, let's face it. It's never been the same since Bruce E.Lift. Did you get Carol Smiley to present her? No, she's available. Well, I think Claudia and Tess make a natural coalition. You might have a point there. Ah, that's more like it, isn't it, Clara? Talking about the issues that really make a difference. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about something that's not always top of mind, but still really important. Life insurance. Why? Because it offers financial protection for your loved ones and can help them pay for things like a mortgage, credit card debt, it can even help fund an education. And guess what? Life insurance is probably a lot more affordable than you think. In fact, most people think life insurance is three times more expensive than it is. So with state farm life insurance, you can protect your loved ones without breaking the bank. Not sure where to start? State Farm has over 19,000 local agents that can help you choose an option to fit your needs and budget. Get started today and contact a state farm agent or go to statefarm.com. If you're looking for an easy workout, you're in the wrong place. Peloton Tread has what you need to challenge yourself to be greater. Need to be pushed to your limit? Their elite coaches will keep you on track to breaking past your goals. Whether you're looking to get stronger or faster, Peloton Tread has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit 1peloton.com. .com. [BLANK_AUDIO]
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