DumTeeDum - A show about BBC Radio's 'The Archers'
Dum Tee Dum Episode 58 – Lucy is Sick
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The post Dum Tee Dum Episode 58 – Lucy is Sick appeared first on DumTeeDum.
- Duration:
- 1h 12m
- Broadcast on:
- 30 Jun 2015
- Audio Format:
- other
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Individual results may vary. It's a cold day here in Alaska, but there's one animal seemingly unaffected. Bright-eyed and determined enters the husky. Observe as they go up the mountain, guided by pure instinct. They are truly amazing masters of this wilderness. But even these amazing pets can't sign up for lemonade pet insurance. You can sign up now at lemonade.com/amazing. This podcast is a Royfield Brown production. Find others on iTunes. This episode of Dum-t-Dum is sponsored by easy fry oven chips for those days when cows are more important. Thank you. I hope you two are milly. It's at Kingberg area of Twitter here. I think that's about as good as it's going to get for me and the mandolin. This is far too hard and I'm just going to keep it as a piece of art, I think. Bye. Well, it's a good job. This is going to be a short one. Well, let's just start because then it all has started. Yeah. Oh, it's going to be a good one I can tell. This is done. We've done the show about the reality jockey drama that is centered on ambridge in the heart of Midlands. I'm the head sparrow that is Royfield Brown and with me I've done massive tit, that is. Lucy Freeman. But you do know that me saying that, people are going to think it's more misogynistic go inside. No, I wrote that. I wrote that bit. Everybody, it's not me being misogynistic about yourself, it's not Royfield. Good. Right, I'm glad we've got that cleared up. Right. Now, the most important part of our bird watching is you folks. Today's rendition of Barric Green was bought to you by the Yorkshire agent that is King back carrier on his 1943 mandolin. Oh, I thought we'd like to do that one again because he went to so much effort last week, didn't he? Yeah. Did you hear the person who said that their eye player kept conking out when they were trying to listen? So they said, well, whatever it is, they were listening to something, listening to it back again, dumped it up, and their phone kept freezing. So they heard the entire mandolin thing over the course of 45 minutes, like two notes, and then it would stop for five minutes of a break. And she said, I think it was like a modern art installation to sound installation. But have King back carrier on his mandolin? Yeah. Carry on. Oh, all right. Cool. Oh, well. Right. Now, Lucy. If somebody would like to be top of the shop, start the show, and not necessarily start it by playing a mandolin. But if somebody would just like to hum, or sing, or drum on a table to the sounds of Barric Green, how can they do that? If you would like to sing as a dumpty dum, or even tell us who you'd like to bang a crisp packet at, please get in touch via Speakpipe on the site, or ring 0-20-3-1-3-1-0-5. Thanks to Harriet at Chambridge for her amazing voices. And also to Derek for the load of the back bedroom, Derek is in a foul mood, as he was appointed the sole representative of UKIP in Borsicher, had a row with himself, resigned, persuaded himself to come back, and has now told himself he needs a two-week break to take stock. Oh, it's hilarious. They could start a fight in an empty room, couldn't they? Was it they've now divided the party and they've only got one MP? How'd you do that? I know that. That dogless car's well. I actually have a sneaking kind of like regard for him considering the E&L. I do. Because I've got a certain amount of time for true Mavericks, and it's definitely one of those. Definitely one of those. He's got politics, he's kind of libertarian, which I kind of have a little bit of an issue. It's a bit of a Maverick. I have a sneaking kind of regard for somebody that says, "You know what? I could have a whole load of researchers, a whole load of cash, I don't want them." I've got a certain amount of regard for that. I just wanted to do my own thing. I'm going to be the owner. Godless of how bonkers that is. How's he? Well, people are with me. Don't care. But do you remember his speech when he actually won the bar election? No, he was inkblow. No. Listen, it was a shocker in that he was very moderate, and he said, "We need to be inclusive," and he said, "A whole load of things are totally counterintuitive of, you know, a typical you-kipped person." It must have set alarm bells ringing in the you-kipped headquarters. And who the hell if they just elected to be empty? It was incredibly intuitive, but you know what, Lucy? What? Sorry, I'm going to have to take painkillers while you're talking. Keep going. You've got drama. Drama whilst we record the- Not a lot of painkillers. It's not a suicide attempt, I've just tried to stop my stomach from hurting. Well, we've got right-wing politics, we've got drug-taking. It's all on dummy-dumb problems. What a show we have for you today. Six o'clock in the sodding morning. And as well as a talk of you-kipped and taking drugs, we have calls from Jan from Cam, who can tell who's who. Yokel Bear, who knows all about culverts, so, right, you can break yourself for that, folks. And Andrew Horn, he's back, he wants a word with Kenton. And sneaking in, we have Jeremy Peake, who gets jiggy about puddings. The emergency pudding. Yes. Thread on Twitter. It was brilliant. Thank you so much. It was you. Started it with your mouth trifle, wasn't it? Well, listen. I didn't start mouth trifle. Was that- It was- Oh, I've forgotten her name. Mismentos. Mismentos. Yes. Mismentos, yeah, yeah, yeah. But she has a proper name. Let me just find her proper name on the book of Face. Yeah, that was good. And a lot of it seemed to be biscuits with some sort of dairy product and then something brightly coloured and sweet on top. So we had, from Sarah Johnson, we had digestive biscuits with butter, buttern digestive biscuits with currents on the top. We had Philadelphia and Jam on top of a biscuit, which is basically cheesecake, they said. Lots of people having Yorkshire pudding with syrup, but I remember that being in James Aeriot. Right. Daraby 385. Yes. And then somebody- Somebody did say that their grandma used to take the dumplings out of this juice, wash her mouth and then put a bit of sugar on them. Yep. But have you actually listened to Millie Bell's call? No. All right, because I think she's talking about this, so we might need to- Okay. To tell this. But just to, just in case she doesn't quite do this, the person who brought to our attention, the wonderful culinary delight that is mouth trifle, was Catherine Beijingt on the book of Face. Thank you very much. She said it's a student special. Ah! Student special. My mum wishes it to be known that it is not called a Jampa formula, it is called a Jampa souffle omelet and somebody who was it. Was it John Jeffree's somebody in America, tried it and sent me a picture of them? Jeremiah Smith. Jeremiah Smith. That's the very chap with his handsome boy. Yeah. Eating Jampa Fumlet. The boy looked a little perturbed, I have to say. I don't think he was convinced. His smile looks a little bit more forced than his father's. His father has a natural one, like I've actually really enjoyed this. But I noticed neither of them. I really showed the children that I am liking this. I noticed that neither of them had tried it, both it looked very intact when I saw them. But he did tweet me and say it was very nice, a little boy, so thank you for that. Yes. Fab. All right. Now, that's about puddings. In my present state, I don't wish to hear much about puddings, to be honest. Really? OK. Your tum-tums all a bit delicate, is it? Yeah. The world has fallen out of my bottom, I feel. Oh, Lord. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. No. Well, I'll tell you about that. Right. Whilst you... Whilst you... Mop up. Yeah. I was trying to find a delicate way of putting it, but you found it for me. You found it for me. Why don't you tell us about the last seven days in Ambridge? Ok. This week was the sort of week that you really hope people who were considering listening to the archers didn't, in fact, listen. The cliffhangers included a burst crisp packet, a new telescope and the sinister case of the missing bunting. There was an uncomfortable Sunday lunch of aceborn-like proportions, with Dr. Dick and confused Alistair. Alistair and Dr. Dick had a lovely chat about places they hadn't been to endorse it, but Alistair suddenly remembered that he had been to wear them. Hold home of the old joke, it's this the way to wear them. No, you've got them on back to front. Rob told Ed that Helen was donating a spectacular wheel of cheese to the wedding buffet, an exciting array of cheese. Not just Fortress to Blue, you know. Oh no, Fortress to Blue, some cathedral city and the dairy league triangle. Joe commented bewilderingly that Schuller smelled alright when she opened the kitchen door. He didn't specify off what, hoof oil maybe, or slap my rump by lava fell. Jimus considered calling his olefology team after team of man-eating birds but then realized the W.I. had already bagged it that. Linda seems to be more concerned about where she's going to have a whazz than what birds she's going to see, and bewilderingly William Grundy seems to have quite enjoyed it, which is astonishing as he never enjoys anything. There is no fafale in the shop. For the bulletins. Sorry, is that who? Fafale. Fafale. Fafale. Yes. Okay. There is no fafale in the shop for the bulletins as events warrant on that will keep you updated and check Twitter. Ed and Toby the sheep dog were horrified that the estate, a business, was behaving like a business and trying to get as much money as possible for the business. Honestly. Ed decided to take it up with Charlie. Ed's suicidal impulse is so strong I'm amazed he's made it to this age. A further example of this was his decision to buckle to his family's emotional blackmail and ask William to be his best man. The whole thing went as well as could be expected, i.e. not at all well, and they were reduced to throwing lumps of mud at each other like the Neanderthals they are within a second and a half. Bert has been very busy in Carole Tobogrom's garden to take his mind off the fact that Frieda's fried. He arrives first thing every morning, ploughs carrots and then peas up her wigwang. According to Piggy, Lillian is snowed under with work, slowed under, unsurprised as she's not been in the office for a month and a half. What with cosmetic surgery, sitting in bars on her toad, climbing in the wine fridge at home farm, but she managed to cheer herself up with a good tonguing by Febreze of Felpashamp. Over at the ball, Barry burst a crisp packet and David rang on the landline. The landline. Fancy. The empty crisp packet kept us going for free bloody episodes. Tony watched his new ball Hannibal Lecter Psycho the third, being unloaded. Cooper. Yes. Cooper. He wasn't able to help, but was happy to watch the Sausage King and Johnny unloading it in the vain hope that they would get trampled to death and Piggy would give her will a shake and start all over again. But that was nothing compared to the devastation felt by a jazza at discovering that all the doughnuts had gone and Helen was bringing over her three lentil bake at a side salad. She knows how to live. Over at Carry on Bird watching, Jim had his binoculars trained on Linda's tits in the Dowerhouse Garden, Linda announced that Roberts was simply enormous, but he said it was only as big as it needed to be, but Linda was still concerned it was going to wobble all over the place. However, he is going to prop it up on a tripod, the big show off. This is not just me being filthy minded by the way, Robert then went on to actually explain how his titanium barrel components were going to boost his flagging masculinity in a deeply moving, if baffling speech about losing his confidence in being able to tell one flappy thing from another, but men are weird and Linda was supportive, so it'll all be fine. The end. I love that. I was walking along Winchester Avenue when I heard that, so I listened to it on the podcast he was thinking, and I loved the way that he just bristled with indignation about Jim's kind of insults and his bars had thrown at him and the reason why he had to go and spend all that money. And then Linda was like, "It's just too much money." And he was just like, "I do need to do it because I'm a man and I'm on a twitcher." And then Linda was like, "No, no, no, it was too much money." And then Linda just came around and I thought, "Yes." And she says, "I understand and we're going to do it." And I thought that was just comedy gold. I loved every second of that, but you are right, right. If you just like said, "I'm going to give these arches to the world." That seems like that definitely are in a quiet taste. And millions of people listen to this, really? Okay. I know. And I fully appreciate the dilemma that the script writers are probably in. Do you know what I mean? There's people like me going, "Oh, just give us loads of that." People start talking about stuff which is fundamentally kind of meaningless. But that's because we understand what is cosmic to us because we understand the meaning behind it. We understand that that exchange about the bird watching tells us completely about Robert and Linda's marriage, which is great and one of the strongest marriages, if not the strongest in Ambridge. It tells us about the class war that goes on in Ambridge between the intellectuals, the not the retired wealthy, the people that still have to work. It just says such a lot and all it is is bird watching, except it's not just bird watching. No. It's also 50 millimeter, zoomy, gloomy, titanium, skid plate ladies as well. It's not often that scenes have such an impact on me that I can remember where I was. Yeah. You remember where you were when John Archer died. I don't remember that. But I remember where I was when I heard Robert Snell, who had his indignation and it's funny. The first time when I heard the bird, when they went twitching back in February, I was walking along Valencia Street, sun on my back in San Francisco. I remember I was crossing over a road, I nearly looked the wrong way, being all British nearly got run over. So the arches nearly got me killed and then I remember where I was, and then I remember where I was last week as well. Anyway, I loved it, loved it, loved it, and you know what, me and birds, you know, the federal variety anyway. It was a little kid, you know, wild like programs come on and you're like the lions and it's like elephants, oh yeah, great. As soon as the little birds came on, I was like dad switched that off, you know, let's go. That's just like, oh, but yeah, scenes about twitching, fantastic, actually twitching. No, not so much. No, I bet. I think you know, we're going to get letters because it's called birding. Really? When you're twitching is when you see a rare bird and people come from all over the country to go and see it. You know, when Lula ticks turn up at four o'clock in the morning and they've driven from hole or something and they... So there's been... You should try to tell me there's been some kind of schism in the birding world. No, no, no. It's just the people that do it every day and monitor, you know, migration patterns and ringbirds and all that kind of thing, they're called birders. Yes, not twitchers, but you know, they're always with this sort of stuff, isn't there? You know, people... Like you said, there's always schisms and there's always people going, you know, I've got this, I'm that. And now it's like when you call comics, graphic novels and all that. Oh, don't start. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. What? No. Me and Mr. Mabber on the twitters yesterday, we're talking about the vision because he's in the Avengers movie and I never thought I'd come to see the day myself because the vision is a proper B-list Marvel superhero character, but Paul Bettany plays him and plays him rather well, actually, in the movie. And we had a little bit of a backwards and forwards about the merits of the vision and his proper torture, do you know? Is he? He's got a pure heart, pure heart and so he's an android. I think I said this, a few, a few of you... You were apart from the android bit, unless you are an android and I have realised. But pure apart. Yes. But tortured. I'm tortured. A tortured soul. Well, he's tortured about his lack of humanity. You've got too much. I am. Right. I am all heart, aren't I? You are. Mmm. Anyway. Why don't we? Because we're, you know, we're going to have to feel manfully. Sorry. Oh my god, that was sexist, personally, right, in this show, we're going to get it anywhere near the hour mark because how many calls have got Lucy? Four. We've got some emails. Oh, fantastic. All right. It doesn't need to be an hour, does it? No. We can let people have a rest. Really? Great. Listen. Be sure to the bet as well. Oh, there we go. They said it in time. That's it. People don't call in. Yeah. No one ring. No. Let's not stop that. Or at least ration your calls in, please. All right. Let's hit that spell. Nice. Hello. Ambridge 3962. Hello, Roy Field and Lucy and hello to all the Dumty Dum listeners out there. It's Jan from Can Calling, a Mitch Muse on the Twitters. It's been a while since I called in, but I've just listened to the newest, wonderful installment of Dumty Dum, and I feel that I actually have something to contribute. I, like Mary, not contrary, do not have a problem distinguishing most of the voices on the archers, and I'm sure it must be due to the fact that I'm a musician and my area of specialty is the voice. I will agree with Lucy that the Fair Brothers Brothers, Fair Brothers Brothers, I love that, are difficult to tell apart, but I'm wondering if they were casted to sound related. I know it's not particularly helpful on the radio, but we've all had the experience of calling a friend and her sister answers, and we think it's her or him. So I do wonder if the casting people at the archers made that choice on purpose, and they may have even done it with a little bit of tongue-in-cheek. Anyway, it's going to prove interesting to see how the Fair Brothers Brothers get along. I must confess, though, that I would prefer more male voices on the archers with more character and more of a regional interest. I really love the many accents that were the archers when I first started to listen. I think I've been listening now maybe three years, and the reason that I kept on listening to the archers was because of the fabulous accents and the character in the many voices, but I must admit, it's starting to get a little bit drab with the new actors, no offense to the new actors, but we need a bit of color. Okay, that's all I have to say, except Royfield, I'm working on the cake. Bye! Jan from Cannes, who says, because she is a musician, she finds that she finds it easy to tell the voices apart, but she's missing the color of the voices. She said, when she started listening three years ago, she really enjoyed the different English accents and the different tones and the character that was evident through voice, and she is feeling that we are lacking this, and I think that you are right on many levels, Jan from Cannes, she said, were the fair brother brothers cast to sound similar because they are brothers, so obviously you couldn't have one from, you know, Tyne Mouthen, one from Devon, but I know what you mean, but she said she'd prefer the male voices to have more character, and I agree, yes, I mean, it can get a bit- This is your bag, isn't it? Yes. You really like to, like, spiel on about it? Yes, but I'm not going- Gosh, fourth. Yes, I've been doing quite too much of that, thank you very much. There will be no more gushing. Yes, so I don't know whether it's- it's interesting that the two people have said they find it really easy to distinguish the voices are living overseas. Either, I don't think Mary in Toronto is Canadian, I think she's just- No, she's a proper Brit. Yeah, but I think maybe your ear gets more tuned in to the English accent when you're not hearing it all the time, possibly. That could well be the key that unlocks the mystery to this. I don't think it's a mystery. I think it's just a thing. Is it just a thing? It's just a thing, yeah. Right, shall we move on? You've solved. Yes. Hurrah. Right. Excellent. And now the Middle East. Hello, Dunstum. Jokele Bear here calling from that nameless place in Wiltshire that I'm not allowed to mention any more. Swindon. I'm calling this week to show that there really is a yogurt in Jokele Bear because I've kind of got a bit of a raw background, so I know culverts, so I thought I'd phone in and bore everyone with an overview of culverts. Okay, there's two types of culverts. The first one is cross stream culvert and basically this is where, if you're building something like a road and you come across a very small stream or brook or something like that, it's not worth building a big bridge over it, so what you do is just put a big bloody pipe in under the road exactly where the stream flows. So basically the stream kind of goes temporarily underground under the road and emerges the other side. And that's as simple as that. Instead of the road going, being elevated in the form of a bridge, the road stays same level and you just make the stream go under the road. So that's the first one. Second one is a runoff management culvert. And this is basically to get water to go away from the road if there's big, you know, big rainfall and stuff like that, like Ambridge again we had recently. So for instance, where my folks live is in a village, it's on a fairly high hill and there's another village at the bottom of the hill, which we don't talk about, because you know, they're the people from the bottom of the hill, when it rains a lot, all the rain runs down the hill. And without culverts, in other words, channels and kind of tunnels and pipes that diverts the water away from the road, what happens is you just get flooding. So the roads will just fill up a water and then eventually it would, you know, reach the houses, which is exactly what happened in Ambridge. So if you were going to block a culvert, it depends on what kind of culvert that you're looking at, basically. But I'm guessing they're talking about a runoff management one in Ambridge. Whoever blocked it is either trying to flood the area where the water has come from, or it's trying to get the water to go down different culverts to end up in different places. Now, my geography of Ambridge and borsenshire is rubbish. So I've got no idea where the water was flowing. So I don't know, Meg Rob did it, who cares, I don't know. Probably, you know, I don't know, he's evil enough, isn't he? You know, and I think he's probably stuffed it with Helen's self-esteem, but there you go. So that's it, an overview of culverts. Really, I'm showing that I'm putting the yokelling yokele bear. Next week, I might phone in and I don't know, so I won't tell you about crop rotations and all that kind of stuff. You can get that from the archers. Okay, so until later, bye. Yokele bear, who knows culverts? He knows culverts. He says there are two types of culverts. I'm not going to do his entire call, because you've just heard it. But for those of you that didn't listen, there is the lesser spotted culvert and the woolly culvert. Yes. But he says, he needs someone to explain. Well, he takes sort of. He says you would block a culvert to make the water go somewhere else, which I still stand by my thing. That Rob blocked it on purpose to make sure that the cubicles didn't fill up and that the water is going to go. So the water went down the hill rather than being diverted round, barrow farm. And yes, and he did it all. So kill him. But I need to make a plot prediction. Can I make a plot prediction? It's your podcast, do what you want. It's our podcast. And you, you, you never do plot prediction. Oh, shut your face. You never do plot predictions, do you? Well, I do in that when I do them, right, I know what I'm talking about. I get, I get me ball hour and I rub it proper, right? Because didn't I say Rob was not the father of that child? Yes, you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I tend to do more random scattergun ones. Yeah, you just like make stuff up and get all a bit silly. Right. I just sit down quite sagely, listen to the drama unfold, right, and actually read in between the lines where the script writers are going with it. Right. That's what I do. All right, what do you reckon to this? I haven't written a step. This is unformed thought. So bear with that. That's a first for you, Lucy. I know. Right. I think that I can't talk about too much detail because of. Oh, come on, stop the preamble. No, no, no, people, people that haven't listened to Sundays. I don't want to give it all away. Well, can I just say what? And I don't often say this, but there was a little bit of some hammy actinism, hammy writing. What's there? Yesterday? Oh, yes. Which bits? The two agents who are about to come on the deep throat action. That was steady. That was none of that. That was all damage. Who wants to meet in a cafe? What is a cafe, David? I don't know. It's one of those town things. Oh, yes. Yes, that was a bit after I admit. But anyway, I think that, right. Here we go. It is going to be uncovered that Rob buggard up the culverts on purpose. Somehow, Ed is going to be involved. And Rob is going to physically threaten. Ed's going to be called to give evidence. David will take it to court or take it to the environmental agency or something. Ed will finish up having to give evidence to say what he found when he cleared the culverts. He is going to be put in an awful position. Rob is going to come around and physically threaten him and the person that rescues him will be will. I like all of that. And that is going to be the rapprochement de rapprochement, as Linda would say, which makes the brothers happy again. And makes all jolly in the Grundy world of Christmas. Yes. That's what's going to happen. Oh, Miss Grundy world of Christmas. I know. They'll do it again this year. When things are desperate and they've got much too much else to think about, that's where they have stupid ideas like, oh, ferret butter. That was good. That was another thing. Don't you imagine people listening to and going, what are they doing? They're putting butter on a ferret. Okay. Anyway, so what do you reckon? I like that. But I think it won't even get to, you said that Ed will get threatened after he has to go to court. I know before, before, as in he, Rob will try and say to a don't testify against him. Yes, it'll happen before, but I think if you rewind take back, Miss Freeman, you said after. Did I? Oh, sorry. I did mean before. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. Good. Yeah. No. No. I think you're right. It's being set up, isn't it? That Rob's giving him, you know, a bit of a threat. That's it. You know, oh, you got to keep your mouth shut. You know, what goes on on the estate stays on the estate type of thing. And he's like, what? What? So now Rob is trying to keep a lid on. Ed, Helen, Shuler, Jess, all the people who work at Barrow Farm, who's he's been encouraging to, you know, block up things and not do things properly. Who else? Well, God knows who else. But they're the ones we know about for crying out loud. It's just not sustainable. It's all going to start crumbling from now on. And it, yes. Well, you've sent out that spectacular tweet, didn't you? Did I? Yes, I did. Yes. Yeah, you did. That gut retweeted and all sorts. Yeah. Next call, Lucy. Next call is Hi there. Andrew Horn here with two points. Stop. Kenton, just stop. It is enough. It isn't mainly days fault. It is mainly your fault. Grow up, grow a pair. And let's have no more of this winching. On a much happier note, I laughed out loud and I want Roy Field to give a big clap to the script writers for the wonderful scene with Robert and Linda. Let's talk about something that's not always top of mind, but still really important. Life insurance. Why? Because it offers financial protection for your loved ones and can help them pay for things like a mortgage, credit card debt, it can even help fund an education. And guess what? 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Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous to your contracts, they said, "What the f*ck are you talking about? You insane Hollywood f*ck?" So to recap, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at Mint Mobile.com/Switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes of details. It was great. They are a really supportive, wonderfully rounded couple. I know part of his role is to keep back some of her excesses and keep her on the straight and narrow and keep her buoyed up and reined in. He's very much a supporting rock for her. But occasionally, when he needs it, she's there for him. And the whole thing with the lens and the way he actually just fessed up and said, "I didn't ask you because I was worried you'd say no." And then he's sort of either as in core speech and winning her over. It was just wonderful. And it made a rainy M1 a much better place. So that was fabulous. That's it for me. I probably won't call in next week because I'm off, but I will be listening. Bye! Andrew Horn, who said, "Kenton enough." He said, "It is not Dave's fault. It is primarily your fault for spending money. You didn't have your big idiot." Yes, he is getting a bit silly now, isn't he? But I mean, the thing is, it's kind of triggered a massive crisis, but Kenton hasn't it, because he's now... He's now, it's made him, could sort of assess what exactly have I done. You know, he's got a child he doesn't see, he's skint, he kind of relies on his wife for sort of motivation and business, um, for everything else. He doesn't own the place he lives, he doesn't, you know, he's... And then he looks at his brother, younger brother, who's kind of Lord of the Manner, hero of the village, pillar of the local community, and all Kenton does is muck around with a megaphone every time he gets a chance, you know, so... He's the court jester. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you know, you reach a certain age and you think what happens when everyone stops laughing, I guess, and that's where he is at the minute. There's an amazing jester who was at the court of King Charles II when they weren't called jesters back then, but he was spectacularly always taking the piss, and I wish I remembered the details of his life story, and a comedian, I can't forget which podcast it was, Andre something for another, who once a million moons ago actually sold him a big sheepskin coat, but that's another story. He told it, and he so tricked King Charles II, he was forever just like tricking him, and he liked him King Charles II, and then just had enough and says you just like, he's just like too much, you know, too much, too much, and he banished him from court, and then he heard some months, a couple years after, said he died, and so Charlie Boyd turns up at his funeral, and everybody's all really solemn, and there's like a vicar, and all sorts, it's like, he's dead, he only leaped out of the cover, he's like, you know, yeah you see that is exactly the kind of idiotic thing Kenton would do, fake his own funeral, roll off, is the Boris Johnson of Ambridge. I am going to have to find the name of this character, because it's just a ridiculously funny story, it was actually incredibly intelligent, but just misdirected his intelligence, just playing pranks all the time, all the time, but anyway. Well there's a lovely story about people like Kenton, which is in Italy, a man goes to see his doctor, and says, is this a joke? It's kind of an apocryphal story, and says, I am feeling, it's told by comedians everywhere, he says I'm feeling, I don't life's just flat, it's got no, it holds no charm for me anymore, I can't, I don't see why I'm getting up in the morning, I am just, you know, it's all just nothing, and the doctor says to him, right, well, yep it sounds, you need taking out of yourself, I would suggest that you went to go and see the great clown, Grimaldi, who is playing in the town at the moment, and the man says, I am the great clown, Grimaldi, and that's absolutely where Kenton is, Paul Kent, but at the same time, get a grip, stop blaming everyone else, you what? You've really injected a real nice bathed off there, I didn't, I didn't know where that was going at all, I was, I just, but you just read it, I'm really like, it looked deep within myself, now, now I was like, oh, thank you for that Lucy, you've really given me pause for thought, hmm, hmm, I don't look deep within myself, there's nothing there anymore, ah, talking of that, pudding, that's, and Andrew Horn also said that he loved the bit with Linda and Robert, a bit like you said, the, you know, he said, it's part of Robert's role is to stem Linda's excesses, and you know, he's normally there to kind of, you know, sort of catch her when she goes for a button, but it's lovely when it works the other way around, and she just got him, and she understood, and she wasn't going to say, you know, I do get fed up with that kind of, well, in our house we call it Silly Daddy Pig stuff, you know, Peppa Pig, I suppose it's a long time since you watch Peppa Pig, there's always, the father in Peppa Pig is always an absolute book, everything that he does goes wrong, and the whole family joins together and goes, ah, Silly Daddy Pig, and it's all lots of laughy laughy laughy, and you kind of think, you don't want children really to just think, oh, daddy's an idiot, do you know what I mean? It's got, and there is an element of that in the arches, it's just like, oh man, aren't they Silly Boo, and that does get a bit grating for me anyway, sometimes. Well, you know, we talked about this, about 50 podcasts ago, but the trope in soap operas, because soap operas were primarily written, the target orders of women, was that a crap, you know, and we talked about Coronation Street in, you know, Ina Sharples, and, you know, Hildrogging, whatever, but that was, you know, an arguably, it's still the case, but it definitely was 60, 70s, 80s, men are just kind of bit stupid. Yeah, and they're sort of the butt of the humor and all that kind of thing. Um, but yeah, so, so I got, so I quite liked the reversal of Silly Daddy Pig today, which, uh, uh, last week, which was kind of, um, Robert saying, no, this is, you know, this is not okay, this is something that is really important to me, and instead of laughing at him, or trying to sort of, uh, coerce him out of it without letting him know, which is what Jennifer would do, she went, yes, okay, yeah, no, I get that, absolutely. No, you're right, she did, she did actually say that, and, and she got it, and she says, I need to support my partner, right, in this, but didn't we, as the listeners, didn't we just say, hmm, you know, two sad men really? Um, I don't think I did, because once he explained it, I got it. Really? I think there is, there is, it's all, if sorry, I'm going to get very boring now, if you look at tribal societies, which is basically a source of what we are, anthropology, anthropology, okay, anthropology and um, when you hit sort of, is it like two tribes go to war, frankly goes to Hollywood? No, when you hit 50 as a man in this society, in, as a man in other, in tribal culture, remember that video, and it had cionenko and Regan boxing each other, remember two tribes got war. But men of 50 are supposed to be, you know, whether you like it or not, sort of, in terms of tribal culture, they're supposed to be, in, in, in most patriarchy's anyway, they're supposed to be the leader of the tribe, they're the ones that people go to for information, they know more than anybody else by being to the fan that they've been alive for longer, now, because culture is focused on the young, they're redundant, they don't have a role, women are incredibly good at making networks, at finding things to keep them busy, make, not keep them busy in a patroniser way, but actually to be busy, they, there is a lot more support for women when they hit the menopause than, that because men don't have that demarcation, really, and they kind of just slip into this role that is no longer there as the wise elder, and I can completely see why Robert particularly has, as his, you know, he doesn't have a sort of an important job in, in, in inverted commas, you know, he needs to find that status from somewhere else, he needs to be good at something, and so much of his life is about just propping Lindy up, and, you know, doing the flipping scenery and marching around with, with, with lights and all that sort of thing, being told to shut up while they're rehearsing, and you know, he wants something for himself that makes him feel successful, something he can do, something he can feel engaged in, and yeah, I think he explained that, that beautifully, and actually I didn't think you silly old sod, I did, I, I sort of went, yeah, that's quite good actually, and it was amazing that he has the kind of, he had the kind of relationship with, with Lindy, where he could just say, no, this is it, and, and, and take that risk that she wouldn't laugh at him, that she would get it. You might be onto something there, you know, about, about the, the, um, lessening influence of the over 50s, because remember Sid used to manage, yeah, and, uh, Captain the Cricket team. Yeah. Okay, and everybody's saying we need fresh blood, to be fair, they say that every solo, we need fresh blood. Yeah, they're saying about Alistair. Yes, now, Alistair is now too old, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. You know, and Tom, you know, it's all about Tom, and then, uh, Johnny, uh, there's not much middle ground, you kind of go from being, you know, the captain in, in, in, in, in very wide terms, you go from, from being the captain of the cricket team to Joe Grundy. There's, there's kind of, you know, Tom has segued, uh, uh, Tony has segued from, you know, uh, head of the farm to now old man propping up against a fence saying to, to, to Johnny, you be careful now, young one, and, you know, giving him advice about girlfriends and things. There aren't many that have kind of, that are in that halfway house. You might have a point there, I might need to go and revisit my thoughts on this, but you might, well, be honest on, think they're freeman. Hmm, hmm, jolly good. Well done. All right, so have we, have we done all the calls? We've done pudding, have we? No, we have, we're going to do pudding now, jolly pink. Oh, okay. Hmm. Not, yes. Hello, dumpty dum. Horse paintings. Sorry. I mean, emergency puddings. Um, my mum used to make an emergency tree club pudding in the microwave with two ounces of butter or margarine, two ounces of sugar, two ounces of self raising flour and an egg. Um, you put treacle in the bottom of a pyrex dish, one of the rounded ones. Um, plenty of treacle, mix everything else up with a whisk, shove it on top, cover it and put it in the microwave for about three and a half, four minutes, and you get the nice emergency treacle pudding. And it's just as good as the ones that, uh, raw field used to boil for hours in the tin. Okay. Bye. See now, that sounds much nicer than your boiling things up in a tin. But do you mean mine? Like, I was the only person in Britain. My, my immigrant West Indian family were the only ones that did this in the United Kingdom. But I think for you, it was all about the anticipation, wasn't it? It was the fact that you had to wait for it. Yes. Knowing you, that's what would have annoyed you. You know what I seem to remember is we seem to have those puddings, whenever rising damp was on. Really? I just, I had visions of the pot boiling, the label coming up and rising damp, you know, misty. I don't know what, I don't know what. Maybe it was, it was sort of psychological because when you steam a pudding, it is kind of rising damp. So I guess that's sort of, oh, no, I wouldn't, I was, I'd wait well to simply make that kind of leap. But, no, goodness. Yes. Oh, let me do the email as quickly. Okay, you do. This is from John in Landprow, Bangkok. Good. Good morning from Sunny Bangkok. Thank you for your message. I'm listening now to show number 56. On show 55, you refer to two other John's as John number three. Now Godess Deaver is accusing me, John number three, of being misogynistic when it was another John, four or five or something. Please, justice for John's best wishes. It was John, John the fourth, he, I got the ends, he ends best wishes, John Landprow, Bangkok, not wishing, now wishing not to be toxic, John three, but John 100 or something. Yes. Sorry, sorry, Mr. Bangkok, John. My mistake, it was actually John the fourth over in Minnesota, the librarian who needed it to take the ire of Godess Deaver et al. And I slipped up, so he took it in the neck, and actually, John the fourth got off top three. And Cosmo, he is in banks, and he says, I think Canada is absolutely wonderful, I love it, and I'm the fabulous people here. Has Ed checked his lease? He might well find that he can sublet, and the owner may not be able to refuse. Well, yes, he can, but the owner can put the price up like massively, which is what he has done. Does anyone understand the law? Also, what uses Charlie if he's not discussing the rents for the grand rider? As a former commercial property landlord, my directors took the decision on rents, not a property agent, awful editing, and lack of commercial knowledge. I see that Rob is behaving oddly. If he knows Ed has talked to David, he should tell Charlie, why not? Ed has got extra work. Does Rob know something about the culvert he has not told Charlie? And if I'll be farming her at any good, why is Charlie using Ed? After all, he was not impressed by Ed originally. I noted that my recent comment on Lillian must have been heard before I wrote it, as she was mentioned as being overstretched this week. Yes. And finally, can all birds in Andridge fly away? Robert and his new camera lens was the final straw. And Elizabeth Church on emergency puddings. This is lovely. I grew up on a dairy farm, lots of lovely Guernsey cream, and unlike the arches, we never had to go out and buy some. Our emergency pudding was mashed bananas and cream. That sounds so nice. I didn't eat bananas, from about the age of 8 to about the age of 28. We went on a trip to see the cutty sock, and my mum puts all your sarnies in a little plastic tub, and it got all hot, and all my bananas mushed up, went soft, and ran into my sarnies. And I wasn't happy. And I said, "I hate bananas." And I just took out that vendetta against bananas for, seriously, about 20 years. And I remember I was forced to eat banoffi pie. Some friend of a girlfriend's friend, who went around there, and she made a banoffi pie, and said, "Do you want some banoffi pie?" I had no idea what banoffi pie was. And I wolfed it down. I went, "It's all right. It's a bit peculiar. It's bananas." I don't eat bananas. I haven't eaten them since we're dancing the cutty sock. But then I said to myself, "It's ridiculous really, I'll just eat them." Because I wasn't allergic to or anything. That's my story about bananas. Roy, I'm really sorry, but I've now actually got to go and be sick. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'll be back in two seconds. I'm sorry. Fancy getting your mouth around something warm? Something comforting. You can really get a firm grip on. Why not buy a dumpty-dum mug from the shop at dumptydum.com? Those damn lovely. And my name is Kate. My name is Joe. My name is Nicola. My name is Suzanne Herke, me. My name is Mary Parkinson. I'm in Hope House as a client. I have had addiction issues for my parents. I'm a Hope House. I was a inclusion and eating disorder. Heroine crayon addiction. You're reading drugs. Methadone alcohol. I'm here because it got really bad. Hope House started off as an 8-bit unit. It made a veil and we're in all women units. I've read an article about a rape house some months before and when I read about it, what I read or what I took away from the article was that this was a place where women worked to help other women. Coming soon to iTunes, 1001 Conversations, a new podcast from Royfield Brown. Now you're back. Yes. Well, you've already taken five. I have. Mmm. So, let's not have an ad break now then. But let's swiftly go down under, let's hit Melbourne and speak to misspell about the last seven days on the World of the Book of Face. Good day, everyone. Mili Bowe here with our round round-up of Facebook. There's a lot to get through today so Ro, I feel, might have to do one of these clever edits. Judith Cook in the Artis Anonymous reminded us that the best line for the week was "Jazza, three lentil bake. One lentil was more than enough. Shouts of laughter," she said, "not good when trying to negotiate tricky roundabout in the rain." Hatter Smithian upstairs at the ball said, "I know William will get bad press for that, but would you be groom at your ex-wife's wedding, especially when you were the cock-hold?" Irrespective, if he is your brother. Brilliant use of the word "cock-hold." Noreen Greenacre in upstairs at the ball says, "If Kenton keeps up this behaviour, I shall have to shut down the Kenton Artis Appreciation Society, sad face." Francis Bull in Embridge edick said, "I'm sorry, but did Joe just say he was going to scrap ferret fur off the button, put it back in the fridge?" I'm not sure whether the ferret was going back in the fridge or the butter. John Richardson in the Artis Anonymous, in capital letters, so we all know he's shouting, says, "Aaaaggh! When more Kenton's family tell him to stop being such an arse, he is the architect of his own problems. Sorry to shout, but it really is getting that bad," he says. Tim Green has a brilliant middle post in Artis Appreciation. He said he happened across this. In 1955, the poet Philip Glarkin wrote in a letter to Monica Jones, "I lay in bed listening to the archers." Had dulatives. Wish I could have the writing a bit for a week. Carol Gray would seduce Christine who would turn into a prostitute in an effort to atone for the lapse. Jack Archer would be running for watering the beer, or to Gabriel be called to death by a ball. Tom Forrest will be caught in one of his traps all night. Dr. Cavendish would appear in the news of the world as running a high-class, brothel-come abortion clinic. The possibilities are endless. Now, I haven't been able to verify that code, but I hope it's real. Susan Haynes, in Anchorage Adix, said, "Two best remarks tonight. Joe, the archer women are only happy with an extra man running after them." And Ed, he's a complete idiot and I hate him, but he is my brother. Have a look on the BBC.co.uk vlogs, the archers, because Kerry Day, this has put up a really interesting article showing how he wrote those balls at your foghsongs. It is really interesting, especially if you've been to lyric writing. Sally and Russell in upstairs at the ball said, "It's about time. Jill went round to the ball. Spanked Kenton's bottom and sat him on the naughty stick." And I think I may be able to get through to the end of this. So I'm now on to the ones on our Facebook page. We are about to redesign the website, which is very, very exciting, and we ask you if you've had any suggestions. Valerie Bayless said, "Ackany on page by Witherspoon and Angus Haggis, bio's a bro, I filled in Lucy B, and maybe pits a core rhythm." What a great idea. Valerie Bayless said, "Okay, how about Kenton's corner?" Well, we can sound off about the things that's annoying us, and Susan Saloon, where we can gossip and speculate about everything else, and it would be nice to do it away from Facebook. Witherspoon said, "The website is designed as a pub that we enter into. Lucy and Rowa, I filled a behind the bar, kind of like Kenton and Jolene or Sam and Diane." "Hey, it's Cheers, and there's Fridge. I mean, some other psychiatry sitting with Angus Haggis, fond of his lap, but I have to say the overwhelming request is for tea towels." Oh, dear. "We want tea towels." And then emergency cootings, I've got one minute. "So, does coconut gelato smothered in fresh raspberries, counters pudding? Yes, Jen, and Mitchell, it does." And Catherine Pajaljan, oh, this is Pajaljan old agent, mouth triforce, a student special, bite of a jelly dodger, a swig of tinned custard, squirt of tinned cream, all directly administered into the mouth, no washing up required. Wah, camera and charm is Arctic roll or tin of cold rice pudding, and delir-y, I think the most popular one was banana custard. My father's when we were younger, and we didn't have a lot of money was to have Yorkshire pudding with golden zerapon, and there I must end because we're about to run out of time. Thank you, Miss Bell. Now, Lucy, why don't you give us your thoughts, musings, opinions, observations on the most spectacular tweets I've ever written in the last seven days that have the hashtag the archers backed at the end. Okay, so for both said, strong minds and iron bladders, birding ain't for whiny bitches. Susan Kasab said, "All this mention of, this is about the ferret butter. All this mention of ferret, all this, all this mention of butter that you wouldn't want to eat has made me think of last tango in Paris." Stik Bobblecart said, "Well, as long as Clarice Appa, you gives a fuck. I mean, it's not like it's someone else's wedding or out." Um, Huggsy said, "If you can't get your hands on a ferret, can a squirrel be substituted?" Probably yes, I would say yes. Yes. The ghost of Scruff Snell said, "I have started a mixtape for the reception. Friday night's all right for fighting, he's on any other contributions." And to each of the week, was John Reed, who said, "Oh, I like a bit of John Reed." Is that, "Hello Ed, would you like to unblock my culvert?" The Ned says, "You've never married, have you Charlie?" That's it. Um, we haven't talked about Alistair and his brain befodlement. Random outpourings. I know, well, it's either a sign of impending early dementia, but that's an ordinary dementia story. Exactly. I think he's distracted because something's going horribly wrong somewhere, i.e. he's going bankrupt or he's gambling or something. He is massively not being present, isn't he? Yeah. There's something very big going on, but it cannot be dementia. No. It can't be. No. Right. I think we're done. Okay. Which is good, actually, because I can get back and have 20 minutes more kip. Yeah, and I can go back to the laboratory. Lovely. I know, I'm sorry. There's something like 18, 1974 that I haven't thrown up yet, so I need to go and do that. So, if we're done, or near as damn it's done, almost, quasi, semi, almost finishedly done, we should talk about shock news, which is your favourite bit that's shown at least. It is. I love it. I live for it. Do you? Yeah. Well, why don't you read the bit in red then? Okay. Nothing to see here, folks. You've decided that you'd rather not buy stuff this week, though, to be fair, there is a clamour on Facebook for tea towels. Yes, we have heard tea towels. Yes, dog point, the old salty sea dog, is leading a dumbly dumb listener, quorum, you know, about tea towels, and everybody's lining up behind him saying, yes, tea towels, people, people are that indignant, they've been writing tea towels in caps on the book of face. So, yes, and I did actually look in the cafe press store, and I've got a sneaky feeling they actually don't do tea towels. They do a great line in aprons, which isn't quite the same thing, but I did look, and I'm going to keep looking. Okay. All right, so that's that's shock news. So, well done, dog, for getting people rolled up behind you for the tea towel clamour. Reviews, okay, one, two, three. Reviews, news, news, reviews. We have none. So, and the galling thing here here is, right, we're almost up to 200. And Lucy, what was the last time you asked me about my 10 American presidents podcast? I can't remember that. I'm starting to feel really sick again, so can we whizz through these things? Right. I've got loads of reviews on that. I've got like 15 America. I've got like 40 in the UK. I've seen it been up a few months. I've got like 16 Australia. You even got one in Japan, right? And all we want to do is get up to 200 in the UK. That's all. And then I'll just never mention it again, right? So, that's that. I choose. So, write some reviews. Please, thank you. Remember, oh, yes. Now, I love this bit. Remember the, remember, I'm going to slow down and catch myself because otherwise I'll make a pig's ear. Now, folks, remember, you can be awarded the order of John Archer by emailing us if your name is John, and you'll be knighted John the fifth. Now, we are thinking, should we loosen things up here? I think we should. Now, if you remember all the way back, Calvin Saxon on the book of Face, he said, my middle name is John. Does that count? And then Jenny Allen, who has a little boy called John. Well, she said, you know, can he join the order of John Archer? I think the answer is yes. So, we're going to loosen things up. So, Calvin Saxon, you are now officially John the fifth. And then little Johnny, you're actually John the sixth. There you go. We're loosening things up. So, tell you change your name to Rich or something else, completely, just a confusing one. So, that's the way we're doing things here. If you've got any tenuous, it doesn't matter how slight connection to a John, email us with a picture of that John, or some kind of evidence. You're not just making it up, right? And you'll all be stowed on you, the order of John Archer. And you will become John the seventh. There you go. So, just so Jenny, we need a little picture of your little cherub. You need to send it to us, and we'll whack on our new website, and we'll have, and they'll have the title, John the sixth. There you go. And if you want to give us the money, you can go to patreon.com, search for Dumpty Dum. And you can donate two dollars a show, which is about one pound, 30. Pounds getting very strong at the moment, which is a bit rubbish for us. You know, like global economics and stuff are having an adverse effect on the Dumpty Dum coffers. What we need is a weakening pound, because this patreon thing is all in dollars. But anyway, I suppose we should thank our new Tory government for that. Nice one. Nice one. Nice one Tory boys. But anyway, this week, we need to thank Morgan Johnson and D Leering, who joined the ranks of those that give us, because they joined Patreon, and that's going to great. Now, if you want to donate, if you just fed up with buying stuff, you're laden down with all your Dumpty Dum swag, and you've already done the Patreon thing, and you just think, oh, I've got more money than sense. What you can do is just donate, and just like, just randomly give us any sort of money, because that's a nice thing to do. And it will just kind of help us. And you just go to dumptydum.com and hit that donate button. Now, remember, you can also send us a voice message via the site. Now, not many of you've done it. Not many of you did it last week. And kind of do it next week. That'd be kind of quite nice, because we like your calls, and then we like talking about them and fitting a show around them. And you can do that by ringing otro 3 0 3 1 3 1 0 5 from your phone. And then it'll just leave us a message. If you haven't liked, click the voice message thing on the website, and I did that all art about it. But if you listen to 58, 57 episodes of the show beforehand, you know what I'm saying. So go onto the site, hit the red button, leave a message, if not, dial that number. You can also send us a regular kind of email via the said same site, which is dumptydum.com, or you can tweet me @royfield on the twitters. Me @looseyv freeman. Oh, oh, both of us @dumptydum. So please, please, please keep those reviews coming because you want to be top of podcast charts before Caroline Oliver go to Ajon Pravakute for Clarice Wedding Outfit. And Lucy now needs to sort herself out. So we're going to say goodbye. It's been a short but sweet dumpty dum. Bye. Bye-bye. Go and sort yourself out. Thank you. All right. See you later. Bye. Hey, this is Paige from Giggly Squad, and this episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. It's a season of wonder all the way at Nordstrom. You'll find the best gifts for everyone you love, including tons of ideas under $100 and gift experts to help. Wondering what to wear? They have everything from cozy styles to party perfect looks, along with free style help from their stylist. Plus, they'll make your shopping easy with services like in-store order pickup, gift wrap options, free shipping, and returns. Discover the wonder of the holidays today in stores and at Nordstrom.com. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save. 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