Ambridge on the Couch

Susan's fastidious borders - a podcast for fans of #TheArchers

So very nearly in vino veritas for Georgie, and properly in the cart for Denise and Alastair...

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Duration:: 1h 3m
Broadcast on:: 28 Jul 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

Love this podcast? Support this show through the supporter feature for Maycast. It's up to you how much you give and there's no regular commitment. Just hit the link in the show description to support now. Hey I'm Ryan Reynolds. At Midmobile, we like to do the opposite of what Big Wireless does. They charge you a lot, we charge you a little. So naturally, when they announce they'd be raising their prices due to inflation, we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you. That's right, we're cutting the price of mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at midmobile.com/switch. $45 up front for three months plus taxes and fees, promoting for new customers for limited time, unlimited more than 40 gigabytes per month slows, full turns at mintmobile.com. Hey I'm gonna thank. Hey. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. And welcome to Ambridge on the couch, an in-depth look at the archers with me. Harriet Carmichael, Lucy Freeman, Jeff, just about. Jeff Thomas, Matt Rodriguez Payne and James Everett. Or did he get drunk, Lucy? Now, before we make a start on your emails, let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge. We can't because I've just pressed the wrong button. Oh no, no, no, we can, we can, we can, we can. We can, I've just got it back, okay. Honestly, shall I just explain to Ron? Yes, Finland, Finland. What a morning, what a drama. Do you want to explain what happened to your poor laptop? Well, I did say on Twitter that I booted a pint of water into it. I thought it was rescued and then I realized that actually, it wasn't rescued and that I couldn't charge it up. So, not so much rescued. So I'm now running this podcast of a completely alien laptop, which always makes you feel slightly discombobulated. You don't know what the buttons do. I know. And it's a foreign keyboard. Oh my God. Oh my God. Where's the A? And my mobile phone and Jeff who's had his head in his hand about 14 times this morning already. And I'm due to catch a flight in about two hours. So there we go. I'm so stressed. I'm so stressed. Hurry up. I'm so, I've got that, you know, that line of angst. Going up and down my chest. I just, at listeners, I just heard a bit of Jeff just now we did not sound happy. He sounded like he was right at the end of his tether. Well, it's because I have incredibly complicated passwords for everything. You know what I'm like? If in doubt, reset the password. Don't write it down anywhere. You know, that means you can never die because no one will ever be able to get into your bank account. Exactly. So he's just sort of said, do you have to have such complicated passwords? You're like my mother. He was like, no, darling. It's like, it's a rhyme and it's really easy to remember. Once there was a man, he was, oh, hang on. What was the fourth word? He's like, why does it matter if somebody hacks your clean feed? They can't take anything? No? The bank says you have to be very, very careful. So I am very, very careful. Look, what we do here is highly secure. Okay? That's a result. I think I'm dumped. And you'll miss your flight. And I'll miss my flight because Jeff's not going to drive me. He's just going to plunk me outside on the pavement with my suitcase. Lucking the door firmly behind me. Anyway, yes, right. We now have a monologue. What happened, Lucy? This week in Ambridge. This week was brought to you by Susan's Fastidious Borders. Natasha was forcing the tea rooms to make ice cream Sundays to celebrate World Ice Cream Day, which is, like all the other bullshit days, total bullshit. Tom immediately suggested that that was another add-on to this nightmarish sounding hen party, and Pip was concerned that it would indeed be a hen party she'd never forget because she'd still be paying it off when she was 73. After Pip's somewhat hysterical appeals, Fallon spoke to Natasha who said that she could basically have the whole thing for nothing. Vince continued to describe the bullying as horse play. Pig play, really. Elizabeth made some suggestions about mediation. Everyone needing to calm down. Shortly afterwards, Mintz flushed with engaging with the 21st century. Accidentally, Tolta Freddie was the snout recipient, and she predictably went bananas. As she said, had she known at the time it was Freddie, she was unwittingly discussing she would have suggested capital punishment and Freddie receiving her familiar quitting compensation. Pat and Tony have given two two-year-olds a vegetable patch. A vegetable patch. That will basically be a massive dust bath. They are not going to absolutely love it, Tom. They will hate being put in little boiler suits, embroidered or not. They will whack each other over the head with their shiny little baby spades, pour water everywhere and transform the whole thing into a sort of hippo-fever dream. Natasha and Tom will struggle down there twice, never do it again, and feel guilty every time they see it, as Pat and Tony make pointed remarks about it. Well done, Pat. I would expect nothing else of you. Ed, Emma and Georgie were called out urgently by Brian to remove a tree and did so with much drama, effort and groaning. They're going to have to get more blasey about this quite quickly as we, the audience, are still hearing the Michael Burke voice over every time the chainsaw revs. Emma is having a themed birthday party. Neil's first thought was rather oddly to come as big daddy in his sort of "mankini" arrangement, which conjured up quite the picture. To be fair, Emma had already had the birthday gift of a lifetime when she was presented with a smashing bit of scurrilous gossip that did not involve her own family. Paul took the news about his mum and Alistair terribly well and decided to tell everyone in the village via Susan and then immediately resign. Within two hours, the entire village was talking about it when I say the entire village, I mean Emma, whose ears were flapping so hard she was practically hovering six inches above the tea room floor. Paul had to treat Hilda and nobly resisted the temptation to relax his grip and let Hilda og to loosen Alistair's slice. Biggest bit of drama was cantering on and the fate being on the same day. Oh no! But surely, what are you doing? I was just drinking my water. But surely... Such a long morning. Let's do it. But surely you'd only be able to have half a day of either so people can spend the morning watching little girls coconutting about on coughing horses at the stables and the afternoon throwing mouldy sponges at Alan Frank's. Easy peasy. But of course, Linda reacted as if the Olympics and the World Cup were both happening at 10.30 on a Wednesday morning. And we ended the week with Paul preparing for payback at the surgery. His conditions are one. Mariah Carey to be played consistently through the surgery speakers. Two, Alistair to do all the dog anal gland squeezing. Three, he is entitled to take off all public holidays and religious holidays, including those of all the Catholic countries in the European Union. And four, Denise and Alistair are not to make any references to love, kissy kissy noises, innuendos or size. Thanks, Paul. We owe you the end. Oh, Alistair, I love cats. I mean, I regard them in a highway. If I was Alistair, I would have just said, "Do you know what, Paul? You bugger off. I don't want you here. You're such a pain in the bum. If you don't want to work here, then please call Lovell James." I mean, I know you can't because of Mummy. But you even kind of sign posted it with him saying, "Oh, she's such a diva. I sympathize about Hilda." And I thought, "Yes, if you know you're being a diva, stop being a diva, then you're being pain in the arse." And I really like Paul, but his tantrum-ness and childishness really got to me yesterday because I actually thought, "I don't think Alistair would stand for that." I mean, I know Denise would because she clearly has never set any boundaries with Paul, but Alistair, I think he just would have gone, "I think it's probably best if he goes to another surgery." But it is, isn't it, all round? It is. And they're not going to be able to work out. I mean, I can't see how this, you know, say even if he does accept that his mother and Denise, that Denise and Alistair are saying each other and that they're in a relationship and they love each other, blah, blah, blah, blah. Having a couple and one of their sons all working in the same practice is incredibly unhealthy anyway, isn't it? Exactly. Even if it was a, yes, as you said, yeah. Even if everyone was down with the relationship, it's still weird. I mean, it's sort of weird anyway having a mother and son because it's so personal. Yes, exactly. And you're not going to be making decisions. Every decision you make is going to be emotional because it's going to be, you know, every single decision you make as a business is going to have to be put through this emotional familial filter, which is going to get very wearing very quickly. And when you're at some point as the boss, you are going to have to say, yeah, I know you don't like it. I'm sorry. Yes, but you have. Yes, you're going to have your steps on. You know, that's going to, that's different. And we're talking life and death here, people. We're not just talking decorating. This is like, yeah, you have to be, you have to be relaxed, presumably when you're trying to resuscitate. Well, I don't know, actually, how relaxed would you be if you're resuscitating a cat? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Probably not relaxed. Relax is probably the wrong place to be if you're a top surgeon. Yes, nobody wants a lackadaisical, relax a bit, do they? I'll just, one, two. What's the rhyme you're supposed to do? Ha, ha, ha, stay in the left. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. We're poor when I haven't finished talking yet. Oh, I know. I thought, oh, God, no, please don't do this. I don't like you, Paul, and I'm going to find you really annoying. Stop being a dick. Yeah, don't be a dick. I mean, you're a grown man and she's a grown woman and unfortunately this is the way life is and you have to get over it, mate. You're not a child. Yes, exactly. I think he will, I think he will come round to, I think he will come round to it and realize he's being a prat. Yes. But it just would have been much easier for him to transfer somewhere. Yes. Presumably there's a bet, another vet, which is only 20 minutes away. So he could still live in his shared flat. Does he? Not everybody has to live in the village that their work places in. They're crying out for vets at the minute. I mean, whether or not they're crying out for vet nurses, I don't know. But I know that there's a mess because so many vets are leaving the industry. Yeah. You know, it's not paid about seven pounds an hour. What with all the overtime they do? I think, yeah, I think it's, yeah, it's the working conditions are tough, but yeah. Yeah. So, yes, boo to Paul, silly boy. Yeah. And what did you think about? Well, Georgie. You got it. I know. Go on, go on, go on. Oh, no. I was thinking, no, it's the first day. You're not going to say it on a Thursday, is it? And then, Neil, I couldn't, you're taking it out on a Friday, you idiot. Neil was suddenly like, I love the way he, the drama really changed, because George went. Alice and Neil went, oh, what about Alice? Yeah. And as if he immediately knew. Yes. Yes. You would have just thought George was bumbling. Yeah. Exactly. But Neil was like, haha, something is up. So that was quite exciting. And then Susan's going, aha, I think he's nervous about giving about. I think he's nervous about, um, about giving evidence. And yeah. But then it sounded like she, because we were led to believe she thought it was because he was guilty of something, but then clearly it wasn't. Clearly she was saying to Pat, I think he's feeling nervous and you can talk to him because you've been in that situation. I love all these people just saying to him, you'll be fine as long as you tell the truth. And he's kind of like, that's the last thing I could do that would mean it was fine. That is absolutely not fine. And he can't say it. Also, I always find it such a pleasure when Pat tries to be on a level with young people. Yes, yes. Or did anybody outside her own family? She just can't do it. She just, she can't ever talk. No. You can't ever believe that she's 100% comfortable when she was like, he's not ill. Is he Susan? Yes. And Susan, no, he is drunk because I have had 43 teenagers. Yes. Who have been drunk. Yes. I recognize the signs of alcoholic intoxication. But don't worry. I won't have a good him because he is a good worker and I will treat him thus. I also expected the fireman, fireman Sam theme tune to come on when now when Ed and Emma seem to get a call out, which seems to be every episode. Yep. I can hear a sort of bell ringing. Yep. Absolutely. And when Ed was sounding a bit tired and a bit distracted and she said, hurry up Ed. I thought this is it. This is it. This is where he's going. And then I thought, no, because even Jeff said yesterday, he wasn't even listening. And I went, oh, oh, it's standing tight with the chainsaw. And he said, he said, they can't stuff it up this quickly. They just can't set up that, you know, and within a fortnight, one of them is in casualty. They can't. But we're going to get to the end of our tether if there isn't an accident. Someone just lopping him off for God's sake. Or at least diaphoraging. Yeah. Come on. That just went away now. Yes. It went away. It went away. I think that there was a lot. I think that the French opening ceremony last night was very, very influenced by the archers. I didn't see it. Actually, I was out at a party. There was a lot of narratives that started and went nowhere. Oh, poor things. I felt so, because I know it was pouring with rain, wasn't it? It was pouring with rain, but there was a lot of strangeness. Which was, is it because of the, because they had to sort of scare it back, didn't they? So had they created something incredible? No. And then because of the last minute. Because the silly idiots had decided to do it outside along the river, which meant that things that started off as quite interesting at the start of the river were still going on 25 minutes later at the end of the river and they didn't cut away. So we had this robot horse, trundling through the waves and it went on and on and on. The music kept sort of building to something and then it just cut away to something else. And that was the act. That was the whole thing. That was the whole thing. That was an indie on appeared to be the big, the big thing. And she was very good, but by the time we got to her, everybody was so physically and mentally exhausted, plus all had trench foot and pneumonia, I should think. Nobody was that thrilled, really. She looked happy. The poor pianist had raindrops bouncing off his grand piano. Was she going down the river as well? No, she was on some sort of tent arrangement. Then there was a hot air balloon. There was everything. What? A laser show that went on again for some time. God, a bit like the New Year fireworks in London. A lot of men in beards and bikinis. One man's bollocks slipped out off his trunks. That would have been worth the words. Yes, it was very, very incomprehensible. Would you say it was unlike a Chinese type opening camera? I would say it was unlike anything I've ever seen. It was like a circus put on by a five-year-old. I see where there is no middle beginning and end. Yes, exactly, no end. And then we're going to do trampolining now. Oh. Very, and what, no, I haven't finished. Oh, OK, we're still not finished. There's fingers already, though, darling. Now I'm Celine Dion. So it was like Stella watching Rosie. Do you have performance? Absolutely. Oh, God. Somebody said this reminds me of when I took LSD for six days straight. Oh, I've got to watch the highlights. I'm not sure there were any highlights, actually. Oh, that is great. Oh, God. I love it. I love an opening ceremony. There was a lot of baffled-looking athletes on boats zipping through the waves. Not quite sure what they were doing, where they were going. There were people going zooming up and down the river, you know. Oh, I feel sorry for France, though. Yes, I do. I mean, like, they have the arts and attacks and the rain. Yes, no, that was awful. It was cruel and unusual punishment, I agree. Yes. Yes. But the plans were odd. Even if everything had gone swimmingly, it would still have been deeply peculiar. But it was going swimmingly, by the sound of this. Oh, yes. Very too swimmingly. Yes. They were all basically treading water by the end, yes. And then poor old Andrew Cotta trying to translate the speech. Oh, lovely. Was he doing the contrary? He was. He was. And he was great. Shades of Terry Wogan during Eurovision, not taking the race. He kept saying, "Ooh, the same. You don't realise how long the same is to you as a river." And things like that, just so does everyone know. Yes, we're all quite bored of this horse. And, yeah. And then he was trying to translate the speech of the French European Olympics head at the end. And he kept sort of losing it. He didn't really well. Then he sort of lose it and go blurb something about love and... [LAUGHTER] I loved it. It was brilliant. I'm going to watch one minute of the actual Olympics, but that was ace. [LAUGHTER] Oh, my God. I love it. [LAUGHTER] So this is what next week's sketch is, by the way. Oh, yeah. What? Is it Ambridge at the Olympics? Yeah. No, it's Ambridge's opening ceremony next week. They're going to the start limbering up relay. Well, if they have the cantering away, what's it called? The cantering with coconuts. Yes. What is it? Canteroff. Canteroff. It's a good name, actually. They will have an opening ceremony, weren't they? They will. Oh, my God. Brilliant, Lucy. I will look forward to it. But that was very funny. That was Linda's reaction. Because, I mean, no one is good. If you spend your rent, the only people that spend the entire day at a country fair or at a village fair are the people that are doing it. Poor people that are on a stool. Exactly. You can't leave because nobody will swap them for a Lou break. And they go, and then you go, please, I just want to go and have a look at the other stuff. No? No? Okay. All right. No, fine. All the people who said they would volunteer. Yes. Definitely haven't turned out. Yeah. Oh, no. I'll be back in 20. I promised Buddy that I'd take her on the trampoline. Yeah. Don't put me on a rotor. Don't put me on a rotor. I'll just turn up and help. We're needed. Yeah. I'll keep an eye out. And if it looks like you need a break, I'll be straight over. That's like me. Meanwhile, in your entry, they were locked with their feet up. Just text me, and I'll be straight there on my bike. I'm the worst. I'm really good, Nick, because what the trick is. Don't tell anyone on the PTA. But the trick is, you turn up right at the start so everyone can see that you are there and that you are visible. Yeah. And then you just swiftly disappear after 10 minutes, making sure everyone's clock G. Yes. Then you are like, "Oh, I've just got to go and pick up so-and-so." Yeah. And then I'll be back in 25 minutes. Yeah. And then you're never back. Yes. But they don't know. Because she was here. I saw her. I don't know where she is. Oh, and is it so good of her to have come early to help with the setup? Yeah. It's like a party that you don't want to go to where you just go around and find five really gossipy people. Say hello to them, give them all a little bit of information and then leave. And then they will just pass the information around and think that they've just seen you. And meanwhile, you can be at home with your feet up watching Telly. It's because we're both cancerous, Lucy. It's it. We like, we love our home so much. I love going to parties, but mostly I love coming home. I love leaving the parties. And I'm always happy if a party is cancelled. Who is it? Who was it? Garrison Keeler said, nothing. There is nothing in the world that there is no event in the world that gives so much pleasure as one being cancelled. Yes, that is right. Yes. Although I was genuinely disappointed when this party this morning was being cancelled. We almost couldn't do the show, could we? We almost couldn't. And I think you thought I was like, yeah, but I was sad. I was too stressed to care what you were thinking, to be honest. I was just frantically trying to remember 47,000 different passwords. And the trouble is you can't ever go back now. You can't change all your passwords. No. Happy one, two, three, because it's too late. How did you know? I'm going to use your mum's heart. That's not my part. Yeah. Yes. What did you do to date a minute or two? Was it the tea that comes first or the eggs? Oh. Yeah, go on. I have an elderly friend. I'm not giving away any things here because nobody knows who she is, who I was trying to log into her password, trying to log into her computer for her because she to her hand couldn't do it. And I said, do you want to put your password in or do you mind telling me? She said, no, but it's actually rather clever. You see, do you want to hear how it's clever? Do you see, what it is, it's the word password, but the O is a zero. And she just looked so glad with herself. I went, oh. She, you know, she was the K2B. But she was so pleased. Anyway, this hen party sounds appalling. Absolutely appalling. Natasha is basically, she's almost verging on kind of. Yes. Mad woman. No. What's the word? It's like fraud. She sort of. Oh. Yes. Yes. Yes. It should be illegal what she's doing, actually. Yes. No. No. No. She's sort of putting pressure on them. Yes. I don't believe that she's going to do all this for nothing just for some Instagram pictures. No. A pip really went up in my estimation, actually. I really, because when she was talking to Fallon and going, I really don't want to do this. And suddenly she sounded. Normal. Yes. Yeah. But I felt really sorry for her because it's that awful situation where you can't. Yeah. Yeah. That's a trouble, isn't it? It's like a terrible salesman. Well, no, no, a really good salesman. You can't say no, and then you're completely trapped. Yeah. And that probably is illegal these days, isn't it? Because there should always be a. It is a calling off period. That's the one. Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen Glenn, Gary, Glenn Ross? No. What's that? Yeah. Play and film. Oh, is that David Mame? Oh. Oh. Yeah. Everyone loved me at drama school when I said that. All right. It's French. I didn't have languages at you. Oh, David's Mame. Yeah. Sorry. And it's about these three salesmen who have to make certain targets. It's Al Pacino. Oh, right. And they are terrifying. They just do things like they get to people's houses and they won't leave until they've signed the contract or something. It's horrible. Well, that's basically what Natasha did. Yeah. She wouldn't, she would not back down. Yeah. But she had a little lovely lottie in the palm of her hands. Yes. Yes. Natasha. Oh, please, Natasha. Oh, I'd love that Natasha. It's fine. I'll just sell Pips Kidney. It's fine. Oh, God. It does sound absolutely awful though. Oh. Oh. And, and Fallon should have, I mean, I feel sorry for Fallon as well as she was cornered. But I think that really was her chance, say, I don't want anything to do with this. Yes. Yeah. Because this is pressurized selling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Natasha is vile. And Tom made my skin crawl when he was going, oh, yeah, these ice creams. That's another of Natasha's amazing ideas. Oh, God. And this is amazing. Would you like these at your head? And you're like, oh, God. If I was, I, I just wanted someone to punch him in the face at that moment. He is so blinded by his ego and his awfulness. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not just his, is it? It's, it's, it's hers. He, he, he just thinks that, but between them, he just thinks that they are, you know, business people of the world. Yeah. They're, you know, business people of the year. And, you know, it's not, she hasn't got fantastically creative ideas. She's just, she just doesn't take no for an answer and put pressure on people to. Yeah. Sorry. The laptop screens just come, gone black. So poor Jeff's had to come in and fix it. Oh, poor Jeff. Poor Jeff. Harriet's, um, Harriet's setting up a support group for you because. Yeah. Yeah. Jeff. Hashtag sent help. Just touch moves out. Oh, I got some prayers. Right. Just touch it occasionally Lucy. Thank you. Is he talking about the laptop? Okay. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Jeff. Didn't you know that? You're supposed to touch it occasionally. No. Because otherwise it does go black. Might just go black. Has it? Do you? Yeah. Because it's, it's a sneak, but it doesn't mean it's not working. No. Talk about my discussing fingernail again. Um, no, we had, we had emails about your disgusting fingernail. Oh, God. I feel terrible that I spoke about that. Somebody, somebody on Twitter said that they were eating their lunch and they did it. Oh, God. Then did the green face vomiting emoji. I am so sorry. It's like an old person who has to talk about their illness all the time. Yes. Because it's like you have to get it off your chest all the time. Yes. And I feel just, that was something that definitely did not need to be shared. And I apologize profusely. Pusely. Anyway, how is it? Well, I've taken the plaster off it today. Okay. It's, it's growing back, but very slowly. Oh. It's not, it's not for public view at the moment. Let's just say that. Okay. I've had a plaster on it for weeks and weeks because what is underneath is pretty grim. Right. Yeah. Michael Gorman said, I like cooking, but I'm certainly not a chef and would rather go to a gruesome hen party, something that was non-existent when I was young, then eat foraged food or cook with it. I'd rather attend a two hour illustrated PowerPoint presentation about Ms. Carmichael's infected thumb than do either. Fair enough. Robin Winning said, it's about the hen party. It's a little known fact that every time the arches features a hen party story line, a feminist loses her wings. Well, that's a thing, isn't it? Pat should have stepped in there. Yes. If she'd have, you know, with the whole hen party stuff. Yeah. Like, this is so hypocritical, isn't it? They're supposed to be this eco-friendly ethical company. Yeah. And then she's buying cheap. If she, if she got those towel robes. Pretty quick. Twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours. I mean, they're all prickly and dead thin and horrible. Yes. And made by kids the same age as Serena Nova. Yes. So there's something terrible going on here. Possibly made out of kids the same age as me. I did think that that veggie patch storyline was going to end up with Natasha going, "What? You bought them some soil!" I want your premium bonds. Yes. I can't believe it ended peacefully. It's just, well, she hasn't reacted yet, though, has she? No, true. No. But they've got it. I mean, I don't know how they were presented with it. Anyway, sorry. That's one of those things where the grandparent or the parent or whatever absolutely inflicts their own. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market. 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You know, it doesn't matter what you want, it doesn't matter what the child wants, it doesn't matter what's going to appeal to a two-year-old. I want to talk about me. So I'm going to give it something that I like because it's about me, you know. Well, I don't know, I think it's totally fine. It's like Granny and Grandpa's won a buy. I'm all in favor of not buying children that have everything toys. Yeah. So, you know, like Granny's and Grandpa's, they might adopt an elephant for a two-year-old. Yeah. That's going to mean nothing to the two-year-old. Yeah. But at least the money is going to charity. Yeah. But, and actually I think this is quite a sweet present, but for someone like Natasha who's so materialistic, it's, and I actually, I genuinely did think Pat, Pat was so happy about it that I, I thought that was quite moving actually. Yeah. She, she, you know, she, she was really excited to tell Tom about it and it was very sweet the way Tom reacted. Yeah. Much as I hate them, I thought this was a very sweet present, but of course, a mud kitchen would have been a better option for a two-year-old. Because basically that is what that is going to become. Yes. They can't belong to Carrot. No. I mean, maybe they can, but they don't know what it is. And also, the first- Give a bit of cotton wool and some crepes. Yes. Surely that's the first lesson. Because the first thing they're going to do is dig it up to see how it's doing or just dig it up and try and eat it or something. Yeah, they'll just dig it out and eat it. They're going to think, they're going to think they can plant it in the morning, come out and eat it in the afternoon. And then as soon as it does start to sprout, they're going to pull it out because that's what they do. It would have, a two-year-old loves a flower pot and soil, doesn't it? Yeah. Because it just wants to eat it, put its hands in it. Put soil in, take soil out, put soil in here. Yeah. Yeah. That would have been better. I would have hidden some packets of chocolate buttons in a pot of soil and let the two-year-old dig them out. Yes. That would have been a fun present, I think. Yeah, but it wouldn't have been chocolate buttons. Would it have bridged farm? It would have been hemp. We've hidden some tofu in the soil, but I thought that was, I thought it was a sweet present. I assumed it was all going to build up to a big Natasha hissy fit. But also, little embroidered boiler suits, they can't, they don't know their own names. They don't know. Oh God. Seren. Seren and over. It's really hard for everybody to say, how are Seren and over getting up? Every time people have to say their names, it's such an effort. That's why they just filled their mouth. The twins. Yes. Oh, looks below. Right, this is Chloe who needs to vent, she says. Yeah. Why do they think I would care less about the celebrity chef? His height, especially, was not interesting to me at all. Pip was highly annoying. I live in hope that Stella and Ruth have an affair which will finally shut her up. She acts like an actual child. Her mum does her shopping. She winds on about kittens and spends her time planning a party for someone we don't know or care about. What happened to Ian's sister? The romance with Lillian Ardell. That plot of land miles has. And that window. I keep waiting for these things to mean something, but maybe they never will. Bring back the alcoholic. Get Robert to look through some CCTV and get George found out. Oh, and most women in the arches looked like a version of Jill Halfpenny in my head. But just at various ages. And some more farmer like than others. Especially, Ruth, Oosh, Estella, Hannah, Joy, Fallon, Helen, Natasha, Emma, and Jolene. They are very Jill Halfpenny. From a slightly frustrated, if you didn't notice, Chloe in Stockholm. Thank you, Chloe. And that's everybody you said. Looks like Jill Halfpenny. I don't think there are any of your characters left. Yeah, she's a very attractive woman. Yes. I remember her from her bike or grave days, especially when she was so pretty, I wanted to be like her. Unfortunately, the only person you've missed off is Chloe and Susan, who don't look like Jill Halfpenny. I think Jill Halfpenny might have a problem being compared to them. She's very, very pretty lady. But she's got, I suppose she has got that girl next door kind of look. Oh. A bit, a pretty, very, very pretty every woman, I would say. OK. Um, what indeed happened to Ian's sister storyline? Yes. That was competitively fascinating, because we just didn't know where it was going, didn't it? Yes. I can't even remember what it was. What was it? They, she was coming over from Dublin or she didn't want Ian, no, what did, ah, what was it? There was something that made us go, she's not his real sister or she's a catfish. It was Adam's, Adam's sister, not Ian's sister, Adam's sister. Oh, that's right. Yes. Adam's sister. Yeah. Yeah. And she, yes. That's who was Ryan died. And we all thought she was getting in touch. She was a fake and wanted to a cut. Yeah. And I, sorry, sorry. Easy. Easy everybody. It's a bit of a shame. It's a bit of a shame. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. All right. All right. Uh, the other one, Jenny. She died. And we saw that she was getting in touch. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. John Wangle some money out of them. Yep. Oh, I just didn't go anywhere. Ah, for no one. Hmm. That's what I mean about the opening ceremony. You missed made sense because they didn't. So the bits that aren't there, they didn't make any more sense. Um, uh, Catherine Rowan Jones is listening to us, uh, and said she had to pause, um, pause the podcast because she first of all had a recruitment for the med, for the recruitment advert for the Met police followed by pepper pig on audible. Oh, which I think you'll find, you'll find I might be in. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Well, do download. Um, yes, more voice. This is from, um, uh, Red Agnes who says, uh, she says she is completely besotted with Febreze. Uh, she says, I was listening to Winifred Holtby's south riding on audible. Oh, lovely. And was delighted to hear Linda Snell feasting on a socialist diatribe. It was bizarre. I need to ask Harriet if she has ever met or heard Gildart Jackson, who has simply the best narrating voice ever on audio books. He could read me a telephone directory and I would melt. Gonna look, look him up. Do you remember the episode of black books when, uh, when, uh, Fran was going all gooey over Peter Serifinovich like that. Oh, I mean, he's a young, a young man. Well, I mean, young as in, it looks a bit like Dominic West. Gildart Jackson. Yeah. I've never heard of him even, but I should have done clearly. Oh, great. I will download some of his narrations then. Okay. I love a good narrator. Well, Rob Williams has found one. He says, just listening to another audio book and blow me down. And it is Sue Towne's Enzaedrin Mole narrated by Harriet Carmichael. Oh, yeah. I think I mean, I mean, I'm an Anna Benton. Yeah. I think, I think I'm playing a character in that. You Pandora. I can't remember. I think it's a long time ago. Okay. I'm something. But yeah, that was, that was really fun. Mm. Mm. And, and you know, Anna Benton, who she is. Tim Bentonk's daughter. Yes. Yes. Sister. Sister. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She's also an actress. Yeah. So more voiceovers. This one is headed. This is from Sarah headed Lizzie Pager to the pinball wizard. Did you know that Alice and Dowling was the singing voice of young Tommy in the film of The Who's Tommy? You know that creepy, see me, hear me, kid. I also used to be a politics teacher and talk citizenship to the younger students in the school. When learning about criminal justice, we used a DVD about a young boy called Jerome who was the victim of a crime and was scared about prosecuting a lovely caring lady from the CPS came to his house to explain what would happen if he did go to court and who was it? It was Lizzie. I taught that lesson to six classes of year eight students over the course of seven years so ended up having to watch it 42 times. It did get a little irritating in the end but it is fair to say Lizzie as a CPS worker gave much better legal advice than Lizzie as employer of the year suggesting just have a chat with workplace bullies and give them even more ammo to persecute their victims with. Just to add, as much as Paul gets on my nerves a bit, I did an audible gasp when he overheard Denise and Alistair this week. My son asked what was wrong, more worried I guess that I stopped making his breakfast in shock and I said the arches is really good today, cue a blank look from him. He is only five and relief that I have you lot who I know will share my excitement. Yes, I went, ooh, when you suddenly, I'm just going to tell him and then he said there's no need. But people are so stupid and I do this all the time because you're whispering in a room that someone else is not in, you just assume no one can hear you and then you realise that they've been listening outside the door, yes, and they've heard everything, yes, you should just never do it, make sure the person is not in the building, people, yes, they will find a way. Don't be over that other people, they weren't being horrible, they weren't being horrible were they, they were just, no, no, but it was just so obvious that eventually they were, you know, it's hard, isn't it, because what could they have done? They couldn't have told Paul any earlier, but who was it? We went from a phase, didn't we, where somebody was, it was a hat, was it Ed and Emma and George, where every time, oh no, it was, it was Helen, Helen and Lee kept having conversations saying, tell Helen and Lee and then he'd walk in and go, tell me what, and it happened about 14 times, I was thinking, just either wait until he's not there or go outside or, you know, text each other, it, whatever it is, there's a lot of ways to do it, I know they do don't work for political reasons, but for good sake, those whispered conversations when you get, when they get a bit more intense, the whisper becomes like this, and so actually you just end up with a normal sounding, you sound a bit like Kirsty, obviously, but you, but it's at a normal level, so people are going to hear it. So it gets so stressy, isn't it, when you, I did, I did think, well obviously he's going to end up, he's going to, of course he's going to find out because you cannot keep a secret like that. Yeah. Yeah. Although it turns out at my kids primary school that one of the guys, one of the teachers is getting married to another teacher, and they've been going out together for five years, and no one knew. So they've been parents didn't know which is pretty extraordinary. Yeah. Yeah. There is no body language that would sit between them that would suggest they are a Jesse Kissi item. Yeah. Yeah. Very, I think that's like all, all things. Same thing happened at our primary school and it was really annoying because they were two of our best teachers and they both handed their notice to go off on a gap year round the world together. We were like, no, don't both of you and their head teach was going, could we split them up before they go? Do you think there's any chance that they might fall out? So annoying. Oh, yes. Oh, so sweet. So sweet. My, my friend had a massive row with his husband. They have a very, very small cottage in East Sussex and they had people to stay and they had a huge row, but obviously they couldn't have a huge row because they're in a tiny little cottage where the walls are like paper. So he said we were shouting at this and he said, after 20 minutes to have to get this, we can have to talk about this tomorrow because my throat's killing me. Oh, thanks. Um, right. Hang on. I'm just, uh, now, ah, now this is, um, more real identities. This is from Laurie. She's been listening to the podcast and she said, I just heard Harriet ask Lucy, haven't you ever worn a bunny tail to which Lucy replied? Certainly not. Finally, it clicked. Lucy is Mary Poppins, bruce, but magical firm with a twinkle in her eye, hidden depths. I firmly believe that Lucy has a carpet bag full of hat stands, mirrors, tall lamps and large plants. Do you know what? You're not that wrong, actually. I can imagine you got one of those. Yes. Yes, absolutely. Um, yes. So, uh, that's one of the nicer things that people have called me, I have to say. Um, and now we have, this is, I love this message. This is from James Everett, who saw my tweet about having booted a pint of water into my laptop, uh, so decided to, to decided that there probably wasn't going to be a podcast. So talk, talk your face of action and said, uh, not sure if there is an episode this week, but they won't be a what the hell is happening here as I've had a few drinks and probably won't make sense. Also, justice for PIP. She deserves more than stellar, I think. I love the podcast. I hope the Mac gets fixed. I really appreciate you letting me have a segment. It means a lot. Oh, James. Oh, James, we appreciate you in more ways than you know. And we are not feeling too hung over this morning, but imagine that we are. And I hope that unlike Georgie, yours, what, your session, what did, what did Susan say? She said something like when, when Pat said, oh, George, George got drunk and she said, oh, what was the phrase? I thought it was really good. She said, like, oh, it wasn't by necessity or, okay, I don't remember. It wasn't. I can't remember what it was. Lucy. Sorry. I was trying to say James. Sorry. We are glad she was having fun. We would rather you were having fun. Absolutely. And forgetting about the podcast has been thinking, oh, God, I've got to find something to send them. So good. Good, good, good. Be drunk. Yes. Be drunk. Not all the time, but most of the time. I did, well, actually Matt Rodriguez-Paine has said this very well. He said, I am developing a perhaps irrational annoyance to Emma Grundy. It's bad enough that she spawned evil Georgie. Not her fault that he's in Roland, but her complete blindness to his worst traits and activities is. But to bitch about everything all the time and her delight at gossiping about Alistair and Denise, I agree that she gets a bad press and has diminished life chances, but she has a chip on her shoulder, the size of a cricket bat, rant over. I think when Emma's in a good mood as in the business is going well, she takes such delight in gossip that it actually, I find it quite- She is the queen of shouldn't you, isn't she? Exactly. That's a thing. Oh, that sounds awful for you. I'm doing quite well, actually. Yes. But that sounds awful for you. She's in such a buoyant mood. Yeah. Yeah. She's not, because she's not worrying about her woes anymore. Who was it? She said it's not enough that I succeed. My friends have to fail. That's what it is. That's Emma. I know. Isn't that, doesn't that feel true at some time? Yeah. Yeah. Actually in the world of actors. Yes. Yes. Oh, did you see the reviews? Oh, bless her. I'm sorry. I know. I mean, honestly, it is a good show, but I mean, there are a lot of flaws. It's not sheeted brilliantly, but I just think it was probably the direction. Really let them down. I mean, I'm not going to go back, because I just don't know what to say. I'll say she looked lovely. I'll say she looked fantastic. Because she did, she's lost all that weight, most of that weight. I mean, obviously, it'll go on when she's not doing 70 days a night, but for the moment, she looks incredible. I think it's a real girl. Well, say she really deserves it, because she hasn't worked for nine months. I hate people. Yes. You hate us. No, I love people. I love people. I love this cozy world that we live in in the archers, which is so nice and made of cotton wool and fields and hot air balloons. So do we think that Georgie is actually going to make it to the court or do we think Georgie is going to leg it? That is a good question. I'd say it's 50-50, because it would be really fun/horrible to hear him ground down by the court. Yeah. I don't think they will. I think it would be cheaper if they didn't have to take it to court. I was going to say, yeah. Yeah. For the program, I mean. Because it hasn't got that. I mean, with the Helen and Rob thing, they've built it up for three years and so it's worth investing in this great big special and they've got national coverage and that's totally not going to happen. I think he's going to confess to someone. Possibly. I wonder who it will be. Yeah. Maybe Alice. Yeah. Ah, be interesting. It will be interesting. Oh, Chris. I mean, Chris is his cousin. Uncle. What is that? Yeah. Chris is his uncle. Uncle. He calls him Uncle Chris. He's so weird. Yeah. So I think that, yeah, I think there will be a confession. I still can't get over him. In the calling Tracy. Auntie Tracy. I know. When I think about the same age. Yes. Yes. It's too weird, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like when they said this week, "Oh, well Denise is so much younger than Alice there." And I thought, "Oh, I thought they were pretty much the same age." So did I. I think not. Maybe there was, I thought maybe there was a 10-year difference or a eight-year difference, but somebody, I can't remember who it was, made it sound like she was 45 and he was 70. Oh. Do you remember? I can't remember who it was. Maybe Emma. Oh, there's, and then, no, no, no, no, who was it? And then they took a fair, oh, Lily. It was Lily. Oh, yes. Yeah. Um, uh, what's his face? Ben. Josh. Ben. Yeah. That one, that one. Why was Ben there this week, by the way? I don't know. I always, I still get the muddle dog. When you hear them, it's like when you see twins together and you think, "Well, it's obvious which one's which." And then you see one of them. Yeah, absolutely. No idea. No. So Josh and Ben. Yes, they are somewhat interchangeable at the moment, even though the characters are even emerging now is completely different. And they do, they sound completely different, but there's just something very, very similar about them. And I can't, my brain doesn't tell me which one it is. I think it's that archer's breeziness, they've both got the archer breeziness. Yeah. And the slight ladiness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, no, because Lily, Lily took offense, didn't she? Because there was an age gap between her and Ross, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I thought it was funny when she, you know that thing about, never ask a question that you don't know the answer to, only ask questions that you're already pretty sure you're going to know the answer to. So when she said to pull, so, I mean, Ross was married, so does that make me a bad person? And I thought, "Well, be careful," because he might just go, "Yes." And then where are you? You know? Yes, it does. Uh, sketch, now. Which one is it this week, because, um, this, what is the sketch area? It's encouraging. No, we've done that. It's not you this week. Um, uh, for breez? No. Oh. It is. Oh, it is. It's it. Oh, I know. Yes. So now we are crossing over to the abattoir, where Vince is getting a little update on modern HR practices. Mr Casey, I need to talk to you. Who the hell are you? I'm your head of HR, Stacey. Well, bugger me. Come in then. Come in. Let's have a look at you. Did I appoint you? No. My successor, Mr Harris. Oh, I thought he wasn't me. Never forget a face. So what do you do here then? HR. And that is human resources. People. Your staff. Brilliant. I did one day. They all kept turning up here. That's you then, is it? Finding them and firing them and all that. Well, I do the finding, yes, it's you, that mostly does the firing. That's partly what I need to talk to you about. I've been winching, have they? Have I called them the wrong pronouns or something? No, Mr Casey, you've just been firing them willy-nilly. I filled out forms. I remember doing it. Yes. But they're not really satisfactory. I mean, this one, for example, on reason for dismissal, you've put "looked at me funny." There's also "didn't like trousers" and "reminded me of man from little advert." Look, I can't bloody stand that bloke. The one who stands there with a can of dog food, hates him and his stupid beardy face. Every time I saw... what was the name again? Helen. Helen Marshall. She was our head of sales. She had been for 14 years. Well, every time I saw Helen Marshall, who had expression reminded me of the bloke from that advert, and he put me in a bad mood, it wasn't good for my mental health. I can make a note of that on the file, Mr Casey, but it's not going to look good in the tribunal. Tribunal? Yes. Helen is suing for constructive dismissal. So is Nigel Graham, both the Ivons, and Jason. Jason? He was bloody stealing from me. Yes, I am feeling slightly more hopeful about that one, Mr Casey. The problem is he says he was stealing from you because he felt bullied by you, and it was a passive-aggressive act because he felt disempowered. Passive-aggressive? Jason never wrote that. He's got some union, really helping him. Brilliant. I bet they all have. What a world. You can't get rid of someone because you don't like the trousers. No, you have to pay him forever and bankrupt yourself. I just think if we could lay off the firings for a week or two, Mr Casey, things might settle down. Do we have any HR challenges going on currently that you're aware of? I don't know why people don't come to me, as clearly coming straight to you is not the wisest course. It's because you're invisible. No one knows you there. Where's your office anyway? I back on to liver, Mr Casey. Well, there you go. You should be front and centre, fielding my calls, dealing with people who are trying to annoy me. No, that's a receptionist, Mr Casey. That's not what HR does. Well, whatever, if you'd been more prominent, that idiot Freddy would have gone to you and not me. Freddy Pargeter? What's happened? Oh, little Freddy's being bullied. Usual stuff knocked him into the corner and put a pig snout in his poor patrol lunchbox, came whinging to me. Can't you sort it out? A pig snout? Who did it? Friends of the bloke who's now trying to sue me? The world's gone mad, Stacey. Mad? I remember my first job. I got hung by my ankles and a meat hook for three days. Did me the power of good. Did you not tell your boss? Who'd you think hung me up there? So, can you sort out these tribunals or what? I hate tribunals. I get bored. You might have to pay people off, to be honest. Off a crying out loud. Tell him I can have a five minute rummage in the stationery cup and do all the trotters they can stomach. That's my final offer. I won't be bullied, Stacey. I'm not a coward. Right, oh, Mr. Casey. I'll see what I can do. Oh! Is that Mrs. Pargeter's car just pulled up in the car park? Oh, is it? Christ. Tell her I've got away. I'm not here. I'm in Portugal. Get out. Look the door. Go on. Thank you very much, Mintz and Mintz and Jeff. Well done for your HR advice. Is that finish that storyline, do you think? That can't be the end of it, that Freddy's shit can knows. We can't just keep saying. That can't be the end of it because we've now got so many. We've got more loose ends and we've got actual plot lines, haven't we? But it can't be, can it? What has Vince learned? Nothing, really. No, no. Apart from not to say out loud what he's thinking. Don't use your outside voice, Vince, when he said, "So?" And that said, "There's no more need for Freddy to help." Freddy. Honestly. He didn't say it was Pargeter. She wasn't that bothered, though, was she? No, not really. I was expecting it. No idea. Me too. My Freddy. One of the other seven Freddy's I've got working at the Abattoir. Fredericka. Of course. That's fine. Oh, just give them a cup of tea and let them have a cozy chat. That's what I do with my aged volunteers. I just let them crash each other, did they? They're walking frames. She's so patronizing. They're so patronizing. They're so patronizing. I know. I know. My aging volunteers, who I never pay, because they love it. They love me. They love it. They love to serve. They love to serve. And there's a lot of jealousy between about me, usually. So what I do is I peck them on the cheek and give them just the same amount of love. Yes. And then just give them a cup of tea. Yeah. So that's it. We're finished. I can't believe we've got true. Well done, Lucy. Show on a wing and a prayer just for a change. Yeah. You did brilliantly. Well done. God knows when it's going to go out. But it's no point me saying that because people already hear this when it's gone out. So there we go. Did you press record? I did press record. Yes. Oh, thank God for that. And we're ending. Well, I can't play it because it's on my mobile phone rather than the laptop, but we're ending with trance arches courtesy of Matt. Matt has to do that thing that the arches do sometimes. He gives us 90% is beauty. And then he has to just shake things up for the extra 10% doesn't he? Because you can't just, you can't have loveliness all the time. Well, he says it synopsizes my frustration, although it wasn't the impetus of style choice. I was thinking of the summer and its festivals, specifically trance. I had to research it as stylistically, it's not really in my ballpark. So, and also, to be honest, I don't really know what it is either. Yes. And nobody listening. James Everett, possibly if he's not too hungover to, but if he's still made it this time. If there's a new one called, I want to say it's called funk. And I think it is called something like that. It's a brand new genre of music. Is it? Did you know that? No. Someone told me that he's got an 18 year old son. Oh. And she thought they were taking the Mickey. Oh. And I love funk. No, no, no. Yes. No, Tilly likes it. Yes. What is it? I've forgotten, but Tilly likes it. Yes, I know. I don't know what it is. Matt, can you find out? Yes, it is. Because every time I use the correct term for something, they go, "Oh, cringe." So I can't say it anyway. And it probably isn't funk. I said something the other day, and Tilly just turned around on me and said, "Please don't ever say that again." I thought I was being down with the kids. I think I called my son, bro, the other day. Oh my God. I didn't ask my son to stop calling me "bruh." That's the... I don't think anyone is darling. I don't think anyone says "bruh." No. It's bleh. Bleh. Nurbra. Nurbra. No, they think I'm really cool because I know that thing. No, what is it? There's like a meme that's like, "Nurbra-thet. Nurbra-bruh. Nurbra-bruh." Do you know what I'm talking about? No. Of course I've been. Nothing about me. There's this thing, whatever it is, but it's like a cultural thing. No. And it's something like, "Nurbra-bruh. Nurbra." And I said it the other day, and they went, "Oh, how do you do that?" Their eyes looked up like I was an oracle after all I am. Yes. When I was listening to something particularly in the children's sort of minds... Contemporary. Contemporary and unsuitable for myself. Tilly would record me and send it to her friend, Cora, who would then reply with, "I see your mums live in it large again." Et cetera, et cetera. It's mortifying. You're a cool woman, Lucy. You know you are. Absolutely not. How many festivals have you been to this summer already? Oh, God. I've never been to one, ever. I haven't. I hated both of them. That's why we're not on the festival circuit. Yes, yes. That's a reason. That's why we turn it all down. Absolutely. Anyway, back to Trons. Yes. Thank you very much, Matt. Thank you, Matt. It's time to look forward to hearing it when it is in the thing, but I can't put it in there. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes, thanks. And you haven't got any docs today, have you? No, I've got nothing. But, if you enjoyed the show... It's a nice day. Oh, it's brilliant. Please give us a review on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you like. Please make it a good one. And you can find us on Facebook, on Twitter, @atonambridge. I found that so confusing. Fabriz is @fabulousfabriz, or you can email us with your thoughts, plot predictions, or what you think we all look like. Don't do that. @ambridgeonthecouch@gmail.com. That was in the docs. Yes. Well done, Harriet. Thank you for listening. Yes. And I'm sorry about the... I hope this hasn't been as long as the Senn. Yeah. Yes. And I'm sorry to France for being rude about your opening ceremony. If you can't be rude about an opening ceremony, what is that? What is that? Yes. What is that? Lovefronts. Hashtag lovefronts. Right. Goodbye, everybody. Have a lovely week. And we'll speak to you next week. Yes. On a brand new, shiny working laptop, hopefully. Oh, Lucy. Good luck with that. Thank you. If anyone has any tips for how Lucy could bring her old laptop back to life, that would also be a small thing. I think that ship sailed. I think it's all over. There will be a small ceremony in the garden. Thoughts go out, etc. I'm so sorry. Okay. Oh, God. Then you're going to do that thing of like... I know. Yeah. Putting everything on it. More passwords. More passwords. Oh, but at least it'll be clean. Yes. Yes. Exactly. No crisps caught under the cakey. That'll be nice. Oh, lovely. All right. Let's speak to you later, baby. Goodbye. [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] (bell ringing)