In this insightful episode, we speak with Kathryne (Kathy) Imabayashi, founder of Sonhood Coaching (SonhoodCoaching.com)and author of the recently published book "Raising Boys Who Become Remarkable Men." With over 45 years of experience in education and a deep commitment to understanding the unique needs of boys, Kathryne provides invaluable insights into parenting sons from birth to eight years old. Join us as Kathryne shares her journey, expertise, and practical strategies for nurturing boys to thrive in a world that often misunderstands them.
Key Topics:
- Understanding the 'Boy Code' and its impact on behavior
- Recognizing and navigating societal expectations and stereotypes
- Effective communication strategies tailored to boys' unique needs
- Discipline with empathy: setting boundaries while maintaining a loving connection
- Creating a nurturing environment free from shame and judgment
Guest Bio:
Kathryne Imabayashi has dedicated her career to positively impacting the lives of children, parents, and educators around the world. From her early days as an elementary teacher in Canada to leadership roles in Georgia, Qatar, Tokyo, and other locations, Kathryne has consistently strived to make a difference. She is the founder of Sonhood Coaching, where she empowers parents raising boys to understand their sons and the world they are living in, leading to deeper connections. Kathryne holds a Master of Education and has extensive experience in various educational and cultural settings. Her mission is to create a more empathetic and understanding world for boys, challenging societal norms and fostering respect for their unique journeys.
Links:
- Website: Sonhood Coaching
- Facebook: Sonhood Coaching on Facebook
- Instagram: @sonhoodcoaching
- Linktree: Sonhood Coaching Linktree
#SonhoodCoaching #RaisingBoys #ParentingBoys #KathryneImabayashi #EmpathyInParenting #BoysDevelopment #ParentingTips #TellUsAStoryPodcast
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So that could have been the end of the story, but it isn't. There was no logical reason for me to have that kind of a biased reaction, none. So in 10 years, or 15 years, or 20 years, is there going to be another mom, another woman, who is totally filled with fear? So the boy code itself, it has basically three messages, three myths. They're not truths. They are myths that boys are toxic, that they're dangerous to society. Boys constitute up to 67 percent of our special ed classes, and are twice as likely as girls to be labeled as learning disabled. Welcome to Tell Us A Story, the podcast by Belmont City Press, where entrepreneurs and sales professionals share their journeys, insights, and strategies for success. In each episode, our guests reveal how they've overcome challenges, establish their brands, and leverage their stories to promote their businesses so you can too. I'm Red Hilton, your host for this episode. Today I'm joined by Kathy, who is the founder of Sun Hood Coaching. So, Kathy, tell us a story. Thank you, Red. So I guide parents raising boys to understand their sons in the world that they are living in more clearly, and that leads to deeper connections and communication. Through Sun Hood Coaching, my business, I advocate for the protection of the inner emotional world of boys, and giving the adults in their lives, the knowledge and the tools that will impact how their son sees himself, and whether he thrives or merely survives in his earliest years. Parents often come to me when they're at their wits end. They've read the parenting books, joined online groups, tried all the things, and still they can't understand or get through to their little guy. Conflict at home seems endless, school becomes more challenging, and more days than not end up with Mum crying out her frustration in the privacy of her bedroom at night. Thank you for sharing that. It seems like very important work. And you know, Kathy, you and I have talked before, and I think something that our listeners could learn from is sort of understanding what is the boy code. Okay. Well, there are two important starting points in understanding boys better, and one of them is recognizing the boy code. And those are society's rules that say what a boy is and how he's supposed to behave. And the other is becoming aware of unconscious gender biases that are negatively impacting how you're parenting. So first, before I explain about the boy code, I'd like to share a story with you that had this incident not happened, I wouldn't be here today with you. So when my son was about three or four, we went fishing on a Saturday morning, and we were off the track a little bit down a little creek road, shaded trees on the way down, and just a little isolated, but nothing that I was worried about, I'm in Japan. So I felt very safe. A little bit after we had been down there and enjoying ourselves, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and I looked up and I saw a group of boys, five or six boys, coming down the path. And in that moment of seeing them come down, seeing this gang of boys come down, I had the strongest, most overwhelming feeling that was so instinctive and so guttural, and it was total fear. I was fearful of there's a gang of boys coming down, and how am I going to protect my little boy, and myself? So the boys came down and, you know, as stories like this often go, there was nothing to be afraid of, and they were wonderful boys, and we had a wonderful afternoon together. So that could have been the end of the story, but it isn't. That night when, after my son went to bed, I really, I'm very analytical, and I really wanted to understand why did I react that way, because I strongly believed I didn't stereotype people that way. I didn't have, there was no logical reason for me to have that kind of a biased reaction, none. And I simply could not find any logic to it, and then I had this image, and that image was, okay, my little guy is four. So in 10 years, or 15 years, or 20 years, is there going to be another mom, another woman, who is totally filled with fear, simply because my boy is male. And it just, it just, it was like this shark, and that someone would think that of my son. And then I thought, well, how can we judge our boys not on what they do, but simply on the gender that they were born with? And that's when I wanted to find the answers, and I wanted to make a difference. First from my boy in the world that he was growing up in, and then for all the other boys that I might be able to help to make their life a little bit better. So the boy code itself, it has basically three messages, three myths. They're not truths, they are myths. The first one is boys will be boys, and that talks to the idea that they are naturally aggressive because of the testosterone. The second myth is that boys should be boys, and that talks to the only real emotion that a male can show is anger. Any feelings of vulnerability or weakness are not acceptable. And the third myth is that boys are toxic, that they're dangerous to society. So boys start to get this message very early on in life, and they soon understand that if they don't conform, then they will be ostracized or shamed. So they learn to start putting on masks of what they feel others want to see in them. A little boy won't risk losing the connection to his father when his father tells him not to cry when he's hurt. Instead of crying, he'll put on a mask of stoicism, the strong male. He won't risk being ridiculed by family members or friends when he's called out for acting like a girl. Up goes the next mask. The problems that over time, more and more masks are required, and that little boy starts to lose the ability to get back to his real authentic self. He closes those doors and behaves like the man he's supposed to be, even if those feelings don't reflect what's in his deep inner emotional world. So when I gave birth to our son, a very interesting situation happened connected with biases and stereotyping, and I was lucky to have an experience like that. But what happened was that I'd had an emergency caesarean, and in Japan, the father is not allowed to be in the operating room, only the doctor, and there's a sheet between you and the rest of your body. So the baby was born. I had heard a cry and big smiles on the doctor, and he comes to my side of the sheet, and I'm waiting because we didn't want to know what the gender was. We had planned on a natural birth. My husband was going to be the one to tell me what the gender was. So this doctor is looking over the sheet, and he says a word three times, and I don't know that word in Japanese. And I'm laying there, and he's waiting like what's wrong with this woman that she is not excited and overjoyed with the birth of her child. And finally, the fourth time he said in English, boy, and that was the moment I understood what the gender was of my child. But in those few seconds between giving birth and understanding the gender, I could not attach pink or blue. And it was simply a child that's all I could not. There was nothing in there to have an image only of a beautiful, healthy child. So most people don't have that opportunity. But when you start thinking about like, there's lots of experiments out there that explain how quickly and how early we start to put stereotypes and images based on the gender. So it was a little bit further down the road after giving birth. It was that incident, the fishing incident, where the first light bulb turned on for me about unconscious gender bias. And the optimal word in that is unconscious. We don't know what we don't know. And if you don't become aware, then you can possibly be perpetuating what the problems are. It shows up in almost everything that we do. And the first thing is an awareness to that. So what I would suggest for people listening to this, if you, because I'm assuming people are interested, because they are listening. So go to my website. There's a free offering there called the three day challenge for parents of boys. And in that first day, and that's sunwoodcoaching.com and we'll put the link in the show notes for everybody. Exactly. Thank you. In that on the first day, you will have an aha moment about gender bias and where it might be showing up in your life. So I would suggest people get started in that kind of situation. Now, let me just ask you, because you said that you're in Japan, you are you've lived in the West, you've lived in the East, you've lived in many different places. Do you see any difference in cultures with the, you know, the unconscious, you know, gender bias? Very definitely. There are differences, but there are many more similarities than there are differences. Some cultures that we've lived in are more patriarchal than others. But in every society, I have never seen a society where the boy can be whoever he is, that there isn't a set rule and often for girls as well. But for the boys, definitely, that they're to follow the historical roots of what it means to be, you know, the head of a household, the man. So in your experience, what happens if we sort of ignore the boy code? What happens? What's the effect on the child? Well, there are a number of things that can happen. Maybe what I would do first is share a bit of the statistics and the implications. Yeah. Okay. So let us know, you know, why things are important to know and understand and what statistics you have that can kind of show what ends up happening. Absolutely. Yes. And then that flows very easily into what you're talking about now. So there are four or five statistics that are important to understand why this is an important situation. One of them is that boys' self-esteem is more fragile than girls and boys' confidence as learners is impaired. So a little boys start school and he's really excited. He's got lots of confidence, but it doesn't take very long for that to start to fade. The girls in his class are between one and two years developmentally advanced. The educational system is more geared for a little girl to succeed in. So boys begin to feel less than and their self-esteem starts to crash. Another statistic. Boys constitute up to 67% of our special ed classes and are twice as likely as girls to be labeled as learning disabled. They're up to 10 times more likely to be diagnosed with a serious emotional disorder like ADD. So many boys struggle in educational environments. Their fine motor skills are most often less developed. They need to be physically active. They need to explore. They need to touch things. And those behaviors are not often welcomed in the classroom. Although some children greatly benefit from diagnosis and support, I sometimes think we might do better to look at the environment that we're putting our boys in and adapting that to both learning styles of boys and girls. Another statistic. Boys are substantially more likely to endure disciplinary problems, be suspended from class, and eventually drop out of school entirely. So as the former principal of an elementary school, it was my office that these boys ended up in. They were frustrated, felt unheard, and misunderstood, and often came in very, very angry. I followed a very respectful and compassionate strategy that I describe in detail in my book that most often resulted in a boy feeling more connected and understood, and that leads to less misbehavior. Boys would often come into me for guidance after they'd gotten in trouble because they knew they had a safe space to be themselves and be heard in my office. And the last statistic that I'll share. Boys are up to three times more likely to be the victim of a violent crime other than sexual. And boys are four to six times more likely to commit suicide. So male mental health is complex. The way they show fear or depression is very different than it is for females. We know a girl is depressed because she'll cry and she'll talk about her feelings, but we don't get the same message from boys. They often become more aggressive, angrier, more hard shelled. These are all those masks that they need to put on. It covers the vulnerable heart that's inside them. So if you want to get a view of what could go wrong, if you ignore this, as you were asking about, then again, if people go back to the website, there is another free offering, and it's called the three-pillar guide to raising boys. It's only a 10-minute read. But afterwards, you'll have a clear image of what might happen if you're not aware and you stay unaware. And on the flip side, it gives you a view of how things can change for your son once you are aware of the complexities that are in the male world today. Tell me about your book. The name of it is Raising Boys Who Become Remarkable Men. Where can people find it first? They can find it at Amazon, Barnes & Nobles, all the ordinary places. On the website, there's a direct link that can take them there as well. The book is, as you said, Raising Boys Who Become Remarkable Men, intentionally parenting your son from birth to eight. So it's to support parents raising boys during those first critical years. My intent was to create something that busy parents could read in about three hours, because everyone has no time. But that they could take away knowledge, strategies, and practical skills that would change their perspective on how to raise their son. The book dives into the unique challenges that boys are facing today. It gives practical communication strategies that are tailored to a boy's unique needs. I cover the ins and outs of discipline and how we can guide our boys without punishment and shame. Each area of a boy's world and his parents is addressed with real-life stories and actionable advice that aims to shed a light on the inner emotional world of a boy rather than what we see in our world today. The book is kind of written for that person who wants to intentionally parent their son and is willing to open their eyes and their hearts to look below the surface. I always say that discipline is a gift you give your children so you don't have to punish them. You're sort of setting them up for success because within that there's sort of the guardrails that they know where they can explore to without pushing any buttons or going outside of what is accepted, I guess, is what it comes down to. With everything that we've talked about here and you have a tremendous amount of information on your website, in your book, the three pillars, all of that, can you give me an idea of sort of the one thing you wish everybody knew? I always like to ask people like what's sort of the misconception or the number one misconception that you often find yourself educating people on? What is sort of that one thing that you sort of feel you wish everybody knew about what you've learned so far? I think it's just I would like people to understand the power of curiosity and if that's not part of your world, then to start developing that skill, that interest, because once that is the way you're looking at the world, then you're very open-minded and almost like a detective all the time, no matter what you're seeing. So because that is part of my life, my world, I'm just curious about everything all the time and looking for answers and understanding things. If I weren't that way, I wouldn't have reacted to that fishing trip. I wouldn't have started to look deeper. There are so many things that can come out of simply being curious, not making assumptions. So you think that adults should be curious about their belief system, but we also should allow our sons, our children, to be curious about whatever they find interesting? Yeah, I think everybody. I think everyone would benefit from being more curious. What else would you like our listeners to know? If you could sort of wrap something up for them and say a piece of advice. I was like to ask my guests, what is your Monty? What is something that you can educate people on, a phrase perhaps that is inspirational. Monty is our mascot at Belmont City Press. So I always like to say, what is your Monty? What is something that our listeners can take away from our chat today? Something that I will ask parents to consider and keep at the forefront of their thinking when they are parenting, when they're parenting their son. And especially when there's misbehavior or disciplinary things going on, if a parent simply asks themselves, would I react the same way if this was my daughter? And sometimes just that one thought can change everything. Again, if you're curious, it will start something for you. But having that in the forefront, would I think the same thing? If this was my daughter and not my son, would I react the same? Would I use the same words? Would I have the same consequences? And that stems from that sort of unconscious gender bias that you were talking about earlier? Yes, it does. And if we ignore that in little boys, then they grow up to be men who don't know necessarily how to process their feelings if they're not allowed to feel them. Well, they find other ways to do it too. And often that shows up in risky behavior, in addictions, in well, misbehavior, there's lots of things that can happen when you're trying to prove that you're not what you really are inside, the bravado that has to go into being the person that you think will be acceptable, because that's what we all want. We want to stay connected. And do you think that we talk about unconscious gender bias, as far as discipline coming from moms versus dads? Do you think little boys react and receive it differently, depending upon which parent is sort of, you know, doling out the discipline? It's an interesting situation because boys and girls react and respond differently to discipline and mothers and fathers discipline based on their own gender. So a mother will respond to her daughter and her son the same way, disciplining. The father will react the same way that he thinks to a son and a daughter. But the son and the daughter respond differently. So for a little boy, it's like the evidence is clear. Both from research and from my own work with so many boys, they need things that are firm, fair, and consistent. They don't need a lot of words to talk about their feelings and, you know, all the things that go behind that. They need time after some kind of a big explosion, you know, some kind of really big misbehavior happening. A little boy needs to have a certain amount of time to process that, to be ready to talk about it, whereas a little girl can often talk immediately. And so if the mother is disciplining the little girl, she will get the response she expects, she will be able to have that conversation to work on the problem immediately and find solutions. With a little boy, if she doesn't give him that amount of time to process what the incident was, to be able to be in a position where he can talk about it, if she doesn't give him that time, usually one of two things happen. Either he will get really angry and make the situation a little bit worse or he'll shut down completely. But if she gave him that time that he needs, then when they do have the discussion, it can be quite fruitful. I'd say, do you feel, you know, we're talking a lot about moms and dads and two-parent households. That sort of gender role or having that male role model, I guess, with the assumption that it's a positive one, I think it would impact little boys differently than it would little girls if it was missing. Would you agree? I would agree that little boys really need to have the role models. I don't agree that it needs to be within the nuclear family. I've seen lots of strong independent young women who are raising children on their own and do it very successfully. And with the little boys, they have a support system of males in their life that provide that role model that that little boy is looking for. So he does need that. Right. That's what I was saying. It's sort of like a son or a boy without a strong male role model is very different than a girl without a strong male role model. I'm going to say so. And vice versa, I would say as well, I think you get something, you know, given the conversation we've had today, you get something from your mother that you don't from your dad, you know, and vice versa. So all of it sort of coming together, you know, understanding what it is your daughter needs versus what your son needs. And helping them grow into the people that they're supposed to be. Yeah, I agree. All right, Kathy, this is what we want to do. We're going to hit the rapid fire sort of section where we sort of get to know the Kathy behind the Kathy. I'm going to give you a couple of choices of some things that you get to choose. And you tell me, just blur it out there. Which one speaks to you better? Are you ready? I'm ready. All right. Are you introvert or extrovert? Introvert. Me too. Do you like texting or calling people? Texting. Does anyone call anymore? I hate the phone. What about a movie or a book? Book. Okay. All right. Are you an early bird or a night owl? Early bird. There you go. And then do you like, I'm going to say if sunrise or sunset, I'm going to assume that you prefer a sunrise. I do, but I love both. Yeah, I hear you. All right. And then do you prefer ice cream or cake? Ice cream. Really? I wax and wait. So when someone says cake, if it has frosting, I've gotten to that age where I don't want the frosting, but I love a good cake. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I do understand. I understand. But my weakness is an only chocolate ice cream. Other ice creams aren't tempting. No, but give me a good chocolate ice cream. I will throw that diet out the window. I'll eat anything with peanut butter on to be honest with you. I can't have vanilla ice cream, which is that, you know, sort of handicaps me in someplace. A very brief story. When I was younger, my younger sister for Christmas 300 years ago, she got some little like ice cream maker and she made vanilla. I'm assuming or whatever. And this taste of it and the smell of it brings me back to that. And I think she didn't make it correctly. And I was violently ill for like three days. So it, it doesn't work out. But luckily, I have managed to be able to eat other ice cream. I'm okay. I'm gonna make it. All right. Our guest to guest question. So the guest before you left behind a question for you to answer on the air. So I'm going to read that to you now. And what they asked was, if you were sitting face to face with someone who was struggling, what would you say to encourage them? And you can pick anybody. It could be a little boy. It could be a mom parenting her little boy, a dad. It could be you from, you know, 30 years ago. What would you say to someone who was sitting in front of you that was struggling? What would you say to encourage them? Honestly, the first thing that came to my head, there's two things that come into my head. But the first one is really the power of listening, which is a skill I don't think we're losing that ability to really listen. So if I had someone in front of me that was really struggling, I think the first most important thing is that I really listen deeply, both to their words, but also to, you know, what they're not saying and what their body is telling me, and just really try to get in tune with what it is that they're feeling. And the next thing is simply to be able to validate to them that whatever they're feeling is recognized, that I hear it, that I understand, and that I'm here for them. And I wouldn't assume that I have the answer to what they need. But if I have developed that relationship and I have listened well enough and they feel safe enough with me, then when I ask, "How can I help you?" Then whatever they say, that would be the direction I would move in. I think one of the words that you use was, you know, respond. And there's definitely a difference between responding to someone and replying. And, you know, responding requires so much more listening, and replying is just sort of running your own agenda often when you're talking to someone. So responding to what someone needs in the moment is a gift that we should probably start doing more for each other. Agreed. Yes. Fabulous. One more time. The website is sunhoodcoaching.com. The book is Raising Boys Who Become Remarkable Men. And there's a link on your website and it's available where you find books. And you have courses. There's stuff for you for people to download, the three pillars. There's a wealth of information for people who are raising sons, might be raising sons, know someone who's raising sons on your website. What is the final thought that you want to leave our listeners with today? Three things. Yeah. People need to acquire knowledge. Anyone who's raising a boy, in my opinion, anybody because males constitute half of our population. But the first thing is getting knowledge. Be curious, dig deep, find out what you don't know. And the second thing is once you have that knowledge, then start taking action, whatever it is, whether it's, you know, standing up for your boy, you know, at school and understanding that better if it's talking to other parents. But take some kind of action once you understand what's going on. And then the third and most important, in my opinion, after you have that under your belt is be your son's advocate. Like really help him understand what makes sense of the world that he's growing up in. And just be there for him all the time. And the more you understand, then the better you're going to be able to support him. And he's the most important person in this conversation. Absolutely. Well, Kathy, I appreciate everything. And you've given me pause to reflect on, you know, my own relationship with my son, who is a little bit older now, but also, you know, just generally parents and advice that I might be able to pass on to other people. So I appreciate your time today. It's extremely valuable. And I hope I honored that here today. You certainly did. Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity. Thank you to our listeners. If you have a story to share, visit tellusastorypodcast.com. If you're an aspiring author, a seasoned business owner, or looking to elevate your personal brand, visit bellmontsattypress.com for expert advice on writing your own success story. Trust the next chapter, because you are the author. Now, tell us a story.
