In this episode, we delve into the world of Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) and how it can help you unlock control in your life through radical acceptance. We explore the importance of committing to accepting things that are out of your control in order to live a more fulfilling and purposeful life.
Join us as we uncover the power of ACT and learn how it can positively impact your mental well-being and overall happiness.
Become a Patreon: www.patreon.com/thepositivityxperience
Need More? www.thepositivityxperience.com
Acceptance and the commitment to acceptance is one huge thing that's holding you back and ACT has been around since the 1980s and it's massively effective and it has saved me in many ways Let's talk about it right now Hey, hey, hey everybody and welcome back to the positivity experience It's your girl Lori and I am so excited to be here with you. It is August. Whoo. It is August We are on the tail end of summer up here in the northern hemisphere And I know you guys are reaching the end of winter in our southern hemisphere But you know what we got a little bit time left trying to stay present trying to really really enjoy the summer Except that the summer is still here for me and really enjoy it So I can't wait to talk to you about today's topic because man talk about a game changer This is really good if you have death anxiety health anxiety, especially death anxiety other things other relationships stuff like that where you're just like Paralyzed in this fear because you're having a hard time to accept it But I mean acceptance is the key. It is the key it is not resigning it and per missing it It is a key and over on patreon. It is going there are two actually two worksheets this week actually three in total But two of them one's gonna have a table and one is a kind of a deep dive into where your Resistance is for your acceptance and commitment really diving into it and then The other one is the patreon for the abundance tier and I say it's three because technically you still have this podcast, right? So you have two worksheets and you have two podcasts on why I said three I think it's for yeah for so you have two podcasts and two worksheets if you were over there We try to do that every month, but the weekly patreon Compliments what we're talking about today and it gives you an amazing starting point So if you're like, oh my god, this sounds great And I don't know where to start you may consider that you can enjoy that over at patreon.com forward slash the positivity Experience or you can have the link anywhere that you're getting the show right now in the description. So let's go deep diving So what is ACT what is accountability and commitment therapy? Well first and foremost it was created by a clinical psychologist in the 1980s So this is not new. This isn't something that somebody just created on tiktok This has been around in the 1980s where some of us who are telling you about this We were children and some of us may not have even been born, but this this has been around and dr Stephen C. Hayes created this in the 80s And it was him and a few other people they got together and they realized how effective this is and now people are using it so much They're adding this with cognitive behavioral or how adding it in with dialectical and actually I think dialectical Which is like it is what it is goes hand-in-hand with ACT I really do I feel like it's been very helpful. It was helpful for me through a lot of my stressors because a lot of times we We don't accept things as they are right so that it is what it is, which is a dialectical thought process It it's like you can say the words, but are you accepting that and then it goes into a lot of reasons and again That's on the worksheet over there, but we are definitely going to talk about it here. I feel like it's really important So acceptance is accepting and mindfulness strategies and with commitments and behavior changes and strategies If you don't make a change and you're not committed to making a change you're going to stay stuck in the loop in which you are in and Then acceptance is learning to accept and embrace thoughts your thoughts because they're not facts But they're thoughts and your feelings rather than fighting them and feeling guilty because oh my god You will fight these feelings and you will run from them And you do not like the pain associated with them You do not like the feelings of anxiety. So you are running versus accepting that they are just feelings Right, so see the concept is to get a back like sort of pull pull back from that Fear or from that feeling and not associate yourself as it identifying you Because that's really going to help you accept it kind of for as it is And sometimes you'll feel guilty about it. Why do I have these feelings? Why am I mad? Okay, it just is what it is Because again, you got to stop labeling your thoughts and your feelings as facts neither of them are And you have to stop adopting it is like I'm a bad person or I don't like this feeling. So I'm going to avoid this I'm going to run from it. That's the opposite of acceptance And last we are a couple weeks ago We talked about cognitive diffusion And this is like kind of what we're just saying This is changing the way that you interact with your feelings And your thoughts and trying not to change them When you are resisting something it is chasing you when you are not accepting things as they are You're adding to the stress. You are creating suffering that doesn't need to be there Because essentially pain is inevitable suffering is optional Okay, and this is when it comes to thoughts. Okay when it comes to your thoughts and your feelings Now, you know and sometimes the chronic illness is there's a level of acceptance that has to come in there And that helps you deal with some of the suffering that you've attached to it, right? But this what I'm talking about suffering. I'm talking about thoughts I'm talking about feelings and I'm talking about you trying to change them The more that you try to change something The more it has control over you I'm trying to change how somebody sees me. I'm trying to change the feeling I get when they judge me Well, they're gonna judge you people in life are gonna judge you regardless So if you're trying to fight that thought and that feeling and sometimes they're not even thinking about you The people that you're like, oh my god all these people are I'm like, I promise you they're hardly thinking of you at all And that's a good thing. That's not bad So all the things that you're walking around fearing and you're trying to fight and you're like, I don't want to feel that way Anymore, there's no shortcuts There are no shortcuts. You've got to feel the pain. You've got to feel it without Thinking that it is identifying you And I'm telling you as you do this, it's going to become better for you because you're going to get through those cycles a lot quicker Don't try to change the thoughts Of course being present mindfulness mindfulness is the key to just about everything self discipline mindset Reaction like how you react. No one can make you react other than yourself and staying present Because one of the biggest issues you have is you're in the back You're back your rumination of the past. This could have happened. This should have happened Why didn't this happen? How come okay? Or you're way in a in a head. Oh my god, if I do this and it doesn't work out. What am I gonna do? Okay Both of those things are not happening right here As you're listening to this podcast right now or you're watching it on youtube none of those things are happening in this present second And that's where you're working on the breath and that's where you work on, you know, you can do your EFT tapping Deep breath That brings you back breath work breath is something you carry with you every every day. Hopefully, right Just go ahead and take a deep breath. Just seriously before we go any further. Just take a real deep breath Exhale Let's do that again deep breath Exhale Okay, you're back here. See how that works when you were in your breath. That's what you were doing. You're being present And you and it's also self as a context Okay, because you have to recognize that you are not your thought You are not your thought you are not your emotions. You are not your experiences. You are not your experiences. They do not define you But there is a context in which that occurred But self is a context is going to be your key when you're sitting in acceptance And what values do you have have you identified what is meaningful to you? And before you say, oh my god, yeah I'm going to challenge you on that I'm going to challenge you because Are these values that you want to have because you're in insecurity? Are these values that you think that you should have because of something in the past? Are these values something that you have adopted on this journey from people before you Have you adopted these values based in that's how I was raised have you adopted these values because it feels safe Have you adopted these values based in uh, some kind of a deep rooted religion that you may have Why have you adopted these values specifically? So what I would encourage you to do Is write down your values, right? We've already talked about core values. It's also a very important thing. That's how you're going to have intentions Get a piece of paper. Don't do this in your head. Don't do this on your iPad pin to pad And I want you to write down what you think that your values are right now Pause this do it after or whatever, but kind of pause it come back to it And I want you to go. Okay. Why do I have these values? That's right. Why do I have these values? Maybe it's trust for you Well, what does trust actually mean to you? It's not a blanket thing And why do you have it? Is it trust based on a bad relationship? So is it trust based on an insecurity? Or is it a value that you're not attaching a motion to? It's just something that is not negotiable for you, but you're not doing it based in uh, a trauma You're doing it based on what feels and aligns with you. This is why it's a really deep dive Because a lot of times what we think our core values are is because we're told that is because we don't want to be different Is because we had bad experiences and we never want to have those experiences again That's cool and fine, but maybe one of your values is Really knowing myself. Maybe one of your values is getting clear with who I am So my values can be clearer Believe it or not. It could be that So write down the values that you have Are they your values know why you have them and some of them are going to be you're going to be like, yeah, those are really my values Like I love that You may find that some of those are not really your values So it's hard to accept something that you think is supposed to be something But you don't really believe it. You're not really sure So you're trying to accept it, but then it's hard to accept it because now You're challenging yourself and you're going is there something wrong with me because I don't accept it You're doing that sort of mind game. That's like the chicken and the egg chicken or the egg. You're on this like merry-go-round And it just becomes such a problem for you Now the commitment itself is a commitment to action You have got to commit so acceptance and commitment That's exactly what act is Acceptance and commitment. What commitment? Are you going to have to an action? what what what technical actionable item Is going to be guided by your values Even in the face of difficulty thoughts and feelings So you got to understand that You're not always going to feel like doing something. You're not always going to feel so like whoo I'm excited. I'm going to commit to this. You're not going to do that You're going to have feelings that aren't going to be productive Right talking about the habits that we did last week. You're going to have feelings that aren't productive You're going to have thoughts that aren't productive. You're not you're going to be times that you don't feel like doing it But what commitment level are you willing to do and you won't know that until you can identify your values And you won't know that until you have your intentions on why those values are so important because if your intentions are flimsy for Gratific quick quick gratification right instant gratification. So I have bad habits in the first place All right, if you're not taking an effective action Right, you've got to know you got to look at those values and then look at the intent behind those values Here's your values. What are the intentions and then what actions so this might be It doesn't always have to be like a goal This can be something that you're struggling with. Let me give you an example like You had a friend who you guys were solid and then the friend just you know friends Just moving on like has nothing really to do with you They just maybe they got kids or they've moved or they have new friends and they have a new job and I mean your feelings are hurt, but uh Those are your feelings your feelings are not like facts and you're allowed them Don't run from them and running from them would be trying to blame them Well, I don't understand why they are doing. I don't understand why blank That's trying to Justify and analyze why you have these feelings Just look at them and be like, okay. This is painful for me. Let me let me sit in that for a minute Let me accept That this relationship may not be What I need anymore this relationship may not be what they need anymore Let me accept that even if I do not like it even if I don't agree with it even if my feelings are hurt It is what it is. I have I have to accept that it is what it is Because if I don't accept it for what it is, I will constantly fight it to being something That I needed it to be. Why am I resisting this acceptance? What is my stress level to the acceptance? Why I don't like it. Okay. Cool. Fine That's a thought and a feeling So you're don't identify with them. Look at them I don't like it, but it is what it is And all total separate note Well, it not really you got to accept this too But total separate note is just because you like something just because you love something just because you love someone Doesn't mean that they have to feel the same way fact So sometimes you get caught up in like well, I don't understand I would do this. This is not expecting you out of people Except that everybody is not you except that their way Is their way and it's the right way for them When you get into the acceptance of it is what it is And you're looking at it and going okay This is how i'm feeling right now. I'm allowed to feel this way But let me not run from it and let me really understand that just because we're not close anymore It doesn't mean that i'm not valuable. It doesn't mean that i'm not lovable And the person this is where growth mindset and emotional maturity are going to come into play And that's when you say they are allowed to feel how they feel They're allowed to do what they need to do for themselves That means you just took your ego and put it in the corner And while you might have a hurt feeling and why you might not like it It is what it is And again like on that on the patreon on the worksheet that'll help you a little bit But in general, it's going to i'm it's going to tell you the same thing i'm telling you right now Is Why why is it that you're trying to outrun it and stop trying to make it somebody else's problem that you feel the way you feel Well, she they whatever She pulled back she pulled the okay. Yes, that's an actual action that happened You're attaching the emotion to it sit with it feel it and then accept that it is what it is Except that you have those hurt feelings, but then what commitment to action are you going to take Right that even though it's a difficult time or it's a difficult thought and feeling What action can you take to sit and acceptance? If you're insecure if you feel attached, then guess what you can do you can get help for that you can find So resources for this you can Are you willing to sit and say why am I so wrapped up in this person my goodness? Why am I so Like consumed by this why am I an obsessive thoughts right now? Well, maybe you have obsessive compulsive. Well, which is puree the oh part puree It pure. Oh, not puree pure. Oh two different things. Um Maybe it's because you have attachment disorder. Maybe it's because you've got some other things going on So instead of blaming and instead of running and instead of getting angry and trying to smear and do all of those things Sit with it and go. What is this teaching me? What is this teaching me right now? What is it that I need to do to work through this? What action plan and what action am I going to take to commit to this Right because it's going to happen so much and what act does what the accountability and commitment does it is effectively treats anxiety It effectively treats depression stress substance use even Chronic pain because there's things death because there's things that are going that are out largely out of your control Life is largely out of your control like 98.5 percent is completely out of your control And we heard ourselves when we go into a freeze response due to our traumas, which we know But we go into a freeze response We do all of that because we're overwhelmed and things aren't going as planned and now We're not adaptable because we couldn't control something and now we're upset And we feel that because something didn't work out. Somehow or another we're a failure Feeling it's not even like real. You're not a failure because failure is amazing. You got to have it But let's say you're in that space of failure You have to feel that without judgment of self. It's just a mere feeling Why do you feel that way? Well, because my mom said or my dad said that if I couldn't do this a hundred percent or if I couldn't do this right Don't do it at all. Okay, so we see the connection But don't adopt that value That's not yours in the first place A value will never and should never be and this is where a should statement does come into play Should never be something about perfection because it's not real other than I accept that perfection is not real That's a great one But at what commitment level are you willing to do that because this is what it treats And you know a big one. God. This happens a lot Acceptance is not resigning to permission Acceptance is not that I know I've talked to you guys a lot about my molestation in my childhood I accept that that experience was what it was Okay for me to accept that isn't like well, I guess that means that it was okay Nobody said it was okay But if I can't accept That that happened and that really was not a reflection of me then that would control my ever waking moment Well, if you accept it then you're per missing it No, first of all my dad's been dead since 2001 and second of all my entire life Would have been on hold because I wouldn't trust him and I'd be trying to hold him to some weird Sense of like I yeah, I can't let this go. I don't have to have a relationship I don't have to have the relationship if you can't accept That you know what your dad cheated on your mom and your dad divorced your mom It sucked. Yeah Yep, but if you can't accept that that situation happened and you're holding this ill will towards dad You ain't gonna have a relationship with them But if you're holding this against him you are not accepting this for what it is you not accepting it does not change the action You not accepting if if I didn't accept that that doesn't change the action That action is not me Now what great because it put a whole bunch of anxiety and a whole lot of stress and all these things on top of me that I had to work through That was an ideal But if I didn't accept it, I would have never worked on it And you're not resigning to per missing it. You don't have to have that in your life any further Just because somebody cheated on you or somebody did something really terrible to you Just because you accept that it happened doesn't mean well, I accept that it happened. So I can't wait for this to happen again That's you going deeper diving into some Control attachment ego Victimization that does go into that So when you can heal stuff and when you can move forward and stuff and when you you can let go of your fears And the situations in the past that you've allowed to define you When you accept that that has happened and it is what it is and it is not a reflection of you And you commit this is good the commitment part and you commit to working through any roadblocks that you have Oh my god, you're walking into your power and then you can utilize that and help other people Right. I mean, that's just how life works So stop thinking that you're per missing it by accepting it Because if you are constantly in resistance You are literally telling yourself that this situation that contextually has happened Has full control control over me today Yeah, shitty things have happened Yep Correct Those things were not ideal Those things have created trauma. Those things have created more work for you Correct. That is a fact But can you accept that? Can you accept that that's where it that's where you are today? Can you accept that you must take accountability? For that commitment to working through that That's how you take your power back Acceptance is the first step to growth Acceptance is the first step to allowing yourself to grow Right. I mean, I'm sure you've heard the statement. Oh, well To accept to admit to something or to own it is the first step of growth. That is acceptance To accept that you have attachment Isn't to accept that that's how it's going to be the rest of your life It's to accept that you know what? I see I see where I am right now I see what i'm struggling with today And i'm taking accountability To make sure that that I take the actions that are needed To get on the other side. So taking accountability Is accepting And it's also accepting that other people don't have to And when you can accept that the beautiful beautiful thing is You now start to walk into your own existence now this goes differently When it's something like death You're not outrunning it It's going to happen not might not go will without a doubt 100,000 going to happen. Yep It is And if you're constantly in a state of fear You're never going to accept it and without acceptance You are going to stay in such a frozen space of the nanophobia and fear What commitment can you take? Well, you're going to have to this is like you sit in there and you're going to have to resign This is where you have to resign to the fact that it's going to happen Regardless if you don't like it regardless if you want to run from it regardless if you fear it It's going to You don't have to like it. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't like it one iota But if I focus on that it's going to create anxiety. It's going to create stress It's going to create it just an impossible way of life And all of that stress that I put in there doesn't change it So if that's what you're struggling with you've got to be very very clear in that because You're just not going to live your life if you can't accept some of these things You know, I think that that's a big thing is is You're making your life so hard and for us who have anxiety and and Excessive anxiety and overthinking and fears. We need this more than most people Is it harder? Yes Yep Is it challenging? Sure We need it just like we need routine more than some people. I mean everybody needs a routine. So I mean there's that And sometimes you are resisting that fear of pain or feelings of overwhelm And you know, you're trying to change your internal experiences What you experience is what you experience what you felt is what you felt what you feel is what you feel But if you cannot sit in acceptance of that You are going to be running constantly in a state of high stress Your cortisol levels are going to be high Your I mean all of these things are going to happen that you think that you're avoiding instead you're you're embracing it So by lack of acceptance, it's not helping you at all Pain's going to happen. Yep. Your feelings are going to be hurt. Yes You're going to have your heart broken. Yep. It's going to happen Don't try to avoid it. Don't encourage it But just know that it's going to happen at some point in your life And it's how you're going to respond to it and that's why you want to feel your feelings. You're a human being Got to have compassion with yourself on this journey Because if you don't have compassion, you're going to constantly judge yourself and think I shouldn't feel that way and what's going on You feel how you feel Exactly feel how you feel But don't let that Kind of become your identity and don't let that be a factual to you about other people Okay, go deeper as to why you're feeling those feelings and then you can commit to taking an action step. That's acceptance and commitment Control You've got to accept that you cannot control your thoughts and your feelings and the more you try to control them the worse It's going to be for you Oh my god, why am I having that thought? Oh my god, that's such an intrusive thought guess what's going to happen You're going to have tons of intrusive thoughts Every human has intrusive thoughts just somewhat anxiety. Yeah, you're gonna have them a little bit more Oh my god, that's a terrible thought. Why would I have that thought? It's a thought It is a thought let's not give life to these thoughts and these feelings Right, you you cannot do that because When you were in there and you're trying to control and control and control You're running from it and when you're running from it, you'll never accept it And then somehow or another you're going to get on that weird merry-go-round that you don't need to be on Lack of skills. There's another reason you can't accept because you have lack of skills And let's insert our childhood here We were never given the skills to have emotional regulation Right now i'm 53. So even if you're 23 and you're in a different era, you're in a different generation You're still only going to have the tools that we're given to you And if you don't have the tools to learn how to regulate your emotions or to learn how to accept things And to know what the coping skills are when you have those bad thoughts or those fearful thoughts It you don't know what to do with them. How the hell are you supposed to accept them So you'd be generous and be kind and empathetic to yourself over the fact that you didn't have these skills That's a reason. However, not an excuse You don't you don't get to go. Well, I just never learned it. Okay. Well, accept that it's your responsibility to learn it now But give yourself empathy and compassion as to why that's a struggle for you Right because again Some of us and I see this a lot in my male clients not to sound gender biased here, but born born male Is it's even harder for them because a lot of men were told Don't cry. What the hell is that? No, you're the man. You're supposed to do this and like given them this this high level of stress And then the moment That they fall short in their mind or they didn't achieve something that they thought that they should achieve Well, now they're just such a failure that they can't accept that you know what you don't have to be perfect It's okay to ask for help. You're not weak Lack of skills Not everybody is in a healed space either You might have more skills now. Don't judge somebody for not Accept that they don't ever have to be but you do have to be So only way that you're going to grow Avoidance. Oh my god. This is a big one Avoidance you're avoiding your feelings. You're avoiding taking accountability of yourself. You're avoiding Avoiding is the biggest thing with acceptance because to Get yourself into acceptance and commitment means you have to make an effort if you have to make an effort that means you have to be uncomfortable If you're uncomfortable, that means now you have to face yourself if you have to face yourself You can't distract yourself by other people so you're going to avoid it That is avoidance People avoid acceptance on a regular basis and they well you avoid a lot of things on a regular basis It's also a threat to your identity To accept that maybe you made a mistake to accept that you know what you totally tanked on that one And you're like, oh my god, but I don't want them to judge me Like I I don't want them to think I'm not good at my job. Now. You're afraid of your insecurity You're afraid of failure. You're afraid of these things So you avoid the acceptance and often we blame somebody else Well, I would have done a great on that presentation But john never gave me the feedback that that I needed and I asked them to set up this presentation and they didn't do it What why are we doing all of that? Just own it. Uh, you know what? It is what it is this this is what happened Don't let it threaten your identity. You are not your Successes you are not your job. You are not being a parent. You are not I mean you're being apparent But that's not your identity. You are not the teacher. You are not this is what you do don't identify with things And never identify with this level of like I must be perfect like that's not real Don't let it Don't worry about how that looks To this identity that you've built in your head that you've thought that you've created Habit we talked about this last week What are your habits? What habits are you taking to avoid accepting? Are you defensive? Are you passive aggressive? Are you manipulative? Are you blamey? Are you? Are you just like oh my god? It's a habit if I just avoid What are your habits? What are the patterns that you see? Again life is so much easier if you just about it's not easier in your mind. You think it's easier if you just avoid the difficult It's actually quite the opposite Because you've created a habit and if you've created a habit You know that you can change that but what commitment are you going to do to breaking those habits? What commitment are you going to do to being uncomfortable? Your commitment to being uncomfortable Is where The acceptance will come Chicken and egg right do you accept or do you commit well you got to accept it to know But your commitment is going to help your acceptance And it's also going to help you live your life. It's going to help you see things differently. It's going to help you Embrace the things that you can't change and this isn't going to be fast You did not get here overnight. You're just now learning. You might still be trying to figure out your anxiety You might still be trying to get your medication correct. You might just now be on this journey This might be the first podcast you've ever listened to in your entire life that you're like oh my god I need to make a change. Maybe it's the 15th one you've listened to But what commitment are you going to make to do that? So you can sit in the acceptance your relationship with your mom may never be a good one Your marriage may never be the way you want it to be. What are you going to do? Well first you accept it Don't worry about trying to change it. Don't try to figure it out. Don't try to understand them Don't try to judge them. Don't try to be blaming on them. What are you going to do? Accept people in situations for what they are And by you not doing it, it doesn't do anything but harm you And the last one that we're going to talk about is fear of change If you are not ready To embrace the unfamiliar to embrace the unknown You're going to stay in a pattern of feeling stuck And in a chaotic comfort zone Because see what happens is is you commit now to the comfort zone You are in commitment to feeling comfortable with the discomfort of the comfortable See you're you're committing to a discomfort, but you're committing to the discomfort of the comfort Nothing grows there. Nothing will ever grow there Change is great Change is unfamiliar That's beautiful Because if you're in this point now where you're having a hard time accepting and you're having a hard time with habits You're having a hard time accepting these these things that that is time to change And if you're just in that comfort zone of the avoidance and in that comfort zone of the negative habits and in that comfort zone Of just wishing and dreaming because you can do that by the way, you can get into this Acceptance of just dreaming Well, these are the things I want Why because I'll be happy no, we're not going to do that because now we're saying if this then this That's never going to be it. You must accept that this is your journey You must accept that this is your responsibility You must accept that this is your responsibility to find the skills that other people did not give us This is your responsibility to accept that you know what the things that have happened in the past have happened And some of the things might have been really bad things that you did Maybe you caused trauma. That's oh, it is what it is To beat yourself up. No one I told you this before no one has ever beat themselves up into being a better person You can't bully yourself into being a better person It's so important that you accept this You're not your past actions. You're not defined by your past Walk into it. Own it. Hold your head up. Accept the fact that you said what you said and you did what you did Don't let people hold it against you Accept that some relationships and situations are never going to be how you fantasize them to be Accept that it's up to you to make a commitment to accept the things that you cannot control Accept that just because you accept it doesn't mean that you're per missing it Accept that the life is so much better on the other side even if you don't know what it looks like right now And accept that it's going to happen when it happens But take the plan make the actions I promise you that when you accept and commit your life becomes brighter clear and a hell of a lot happier than it is now [Music] [BLANK_AUDIO]
