It may be sometimes, you may have to take some detours, but long as you take them together. - Well, absolutely. Mayors should be done together completely. And I totally agree with that. - Welcome to Mind Matters with Dr. J. A. Jones. Dr. Jones is the head pastor of the Faith Community Church of God in Orange Park, Florida. Relationships, finances, our spiritual life, whatever it is, our problems start within our minds. Dr. Jones explores mental wellness through the application of God's Word in our lives. It's just what the doctor ordered. Let's join him now and dig into Mind Matters because your mind matters to God. - Welcome to Mind Matters, the show where we get into the principles that help us to lead successful and fulfilling lives. Now, I'm glad you're back with us today. We have a special episode dedicated to those who are thinking about marriage and those who are already marriage. A topic is why marriage maintenance is important part three. Because we know marriage isn't always easy, but with the right person and you being the right person is definitely worth the work it takes. So we have talked about in the past other keys to why marriage maintenance is important and how to move your marriage forward. We mentioned the first key was it requires effort and patience. The second key, it continues growth together. That should be continuous growth together. You have to communicate openly. That was key three. Key four was embrace each other's imperfections. Wow, that was a powerful key. You can go back and listen to it. Support one another, the fifth key. The sixth key was prioritize quality time and handle conflicts with empathy. The seventh key, which is important as well, you have to keep the romance alive. Now, we're gonna pick up on this show today why marriage maintenance is important part three. I have my special person with me today. Cindy Marie Jones, thank you for being with me today again. - Thank you, Dr. Jones. It's good to be here with you. I'm glad I'm your special person. - Yeah, okay, anything else you want to share about being my special person? - Well, not at the moment. There's so much that I-- - We've been together 46 years. We have been blessed to be a blessing. We have traveled different parts of the states and recently out of the country. I mean, life is great. - Life is great. - Life is great. Marriage is-- - Getting better. Yes, it's a journey and it's always improving. All the time, so that's why it's so important for people to stay in it. Because, yeah, there's smooth rows, just like you traveling down regular rows, they're smooth surfaces, they're rough surfaces, there's terrain. - Right. - But-- - Yeah, there's potholes. There's big ones, there's small ones. There's unexpected potholes that shows up while you're driving. - Right, right. - There could be a deer in a row, there could be animals in a row, you gotta go around. - Yep, yep, and it may be sometimes, you may have to take some detours, but-- - Yeah, because it comes from-- - Long as you take 'em together. - Well, absolutely. Marriage should be done together completely and I totally agree with that. - Yes. - Because as we get in this particular show today, I'm so glad my audience has tuned in and dial in with what we have to say about marriage. You know, they tell me the divorce rate is high, so it is still high. You know, whether you're in the church or out of the church, I don't know the latest data on that, but we do know that people are separating, people are divorcing, people, I mean, are just going through, because I think they don't get in and get into the relationship the right way, with the right mindset. - Yeah. - It's all about the wedding, instead of it all being about the marriage. It should be mostly about the marriage versus the wedding. - Right. - People do a lot of preparation, a lot of planning for the wedding. They spend a lot of money, but then-- - Yeah. - Once the marriage begins after the officiant say, "You a husband and wife," now they got to really understand who they connected to for the rest of their lives. - And hopefully they didn't create any debt while they was preparing, going through the wedding, and then when the wedding is over and all those people you pay for to celebrate with is going home, now you left with the bag to pay for all of that. You know, and you start your marriage with stress. - Yeah, absolutely. So our eighth point, I like that what you just shared, the eighth key is be patient and kind and seek help when needed, because we got to recognize that there will be tough times and seeking help shows strength, not weaknesses. You know, the Bible says love suffers long, the first Corinthians, love is kind, love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up. It is so important, we were discussing something and we go through so many phases in life in marriage. We've been together 46 years. I would say the first 10 years, that's a phase. The second 10 years is another phase. The third 10 years is another phase. We call it new normals, you know, a different norm based on life, based on career choices, based on health, based on where you live, where you're moving to. So we have a different norm. So right now, me being the head of the home, the husband, I keep the house together, I know there's times when that your body is different than my body as it relates to temperature. - All the time. - You know, there are times when you're cold and I'm hot and I'm hot, you're cold. But for the most part, I cater to you. - Yes. - You know, to me, I have to sometimes wear extra clothing whether it's in the bed, whether it's in the living room because you're hot and I'm saying, why goodness, it is cold. - It's amazing. You know, in life, you know, we have to extend grace to one another because the ties will change. - The tides? What does that mean? - Yeah, the tides will change because for the first way, we'll say 20, 25 years, you've been the hot one and I've been the cold one. - Okay, if you want to say that. - As life has gone on and I've gone through changes, now I'm the hot one and you're the cold one. - Okay. - Amazing. - Okay, I don't know about all that. But hey, I'm talking about what's going on right now and I do appreciate you sharing that information. But either way, you know, the Bible says, husband loves your wife as Christ loved the church. That's the point here and Christ died for the church. So I have to die to self and I have to be self less instead of self-fish. There's so many husbands, so many spouses, whether it's the wife, their self is all about them. For example, if you are hot and you got to turn the AC down to 73 and it's normally at 76 or whatever it is, I just have to put on extra clothing and I'm all right with that because that's what you need at the moment. So, and it's important for marriages to understand that. It's not about you. It's about both of you coming together, compromising on certain situations and experiences so you can understand the power of why marriage maintenance is important. You know, the scripture says, listen to counsel and receive instruction that you may be wise in your latter days. That's Proverbs chapter 19, verse 20. You know, and it's so important because patience and kindness are the bedrock of a compassionate relationship. We must not hesitate to seek professional guidance if needed, right, or counseling if needed because marriages will face significant changes. It's so important. So, key aid is this, be patient and kind and seek help when needed. - Yes, love is patient, love is kind. - Yes. - You have to really meditate on those and think about those. - Right. - Patient and kind. We've talked before several times about extending grace to other people. - Right. - And so, definitely in the marriage, you gotta be patient with one another and kind. - 100%. - Yes, if you wanna have a peaceful household and get along with one another as well as with the children and set a good example for the children. - Well, not just the children, but people that we're in relationship with. It could be peers, it could be other marriages. It can be especially children. I like that point, especially the children. - Yeah, so the stories in the home. - Yes. - And then it goes outward. - Absolutely, absolutely. So, here's our ninth key. Always remember why you fell in love. It's so important to remember why. You know, our ninth key is so important because reflecting on the reasons that brought you together helps reignite the initial spark and strengthens your bond. It does it every time. You know, the Bible tells us in the book of Revelations. I think it's chapter two, verse four, nevertheless, I have this against you that you have left your first love. Remember, therefore, from where you have fallen, repent and do your first works or else, I will come to you quickly and remove you. You're actually and remove your lampstand from its place unless you repent. I think we forget why we came together because life is full of so many ups and downs, surprises, - Distractions. - Distractions because we have an intention. Anytime you have an intention, there will always be a distraction. - And you always mirror it for each other too, you know. You can see the other person's faults in their shortcomings, the ups and downs and how they act and react because when you're married, you are your, I'll say natural self with that person. You're comfortable, hopefully, being your real self with them. And so they see your faults, your shortcomings. And so the enemy, I'll say the enemy, always magnifies. Always magnifies that. Oh boy. The enemy always magnifies your shortcomings, your faults more than your good points. So you have to look for the good. The good is not just going to automatically show out you have to look for the good in people at all times. - As much as possible, I agree, one hundred five. - And that's why we should remember why we love them and why we merit them so you can stay together. - We know that love is not a feeling, right? Love is a commitment and it's important for people to understand that, it's a decision. - All the time, every day, all day long. - And because of that, when you decide to say, I love this person, whether the feelings are there or not, the feelings may go and the feeling is going to come back because that's part of life. The Bible says in Proverbs chapter five, verse 18, it says, "Let your fountain be blessed "and rejoice with the wife of your youth." My goodness, that's so important. So it's important to take time to reminisce about our earlier days, right? Or your earlier days, you know? Sometimes it's important to revisit memorable places and celebrate some milestones to keep the romance alive. And we talk about that a lot, whether we take a trip, we go back to how we met in Pensacola, Florida, how we met in high school. And we talk about those earlier days, the places where I took you to eat, the palace. Was it the palace? - It was the palace. - See, I got it right and that's important. So it brings the feeling back and how we got together. It's always important to do that because we must always remember why we fell in love. And it's a commitment. - And we didn't fall though. We didn't fail in love. We decided to love each other. - Okay, okay. - A lot of times I know a lot of times people use that terminology, falling in love, fell in love. But we grew to love each other as we got to know each other. - I like that because if you can fall in love, you can fall out, right? So it's about-- - It wasn't intentional. - It's about intentional, it's about making it right. It's about making a decision. And I thank God of our relationship today, after 46 years. And it's so important. And we talked about it earlier, the importance of being kind, being patient. And now we're addressing key number nine, always remember why you fall in love. You know, we kind of put it that way to get a person's attention, why you fell in love. But really, I like how you stated that, that particular point, which is important. - Yes. - See, I like to ride with my windows down. You like to ride with your windows up. - Oh, praise the Lord. - See, that's a compromise, right? - Yes, that's women. We like to keep our hair intact. - Absolutely. And nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. - Dr. Jones is the pastor of Faith Community Church of God in Orange Park, reaching a heart and world with the love of Jesus. We thank you for listening to Mind Matters, and we encourage you to show support for the many community outreach ministries that Dr. Jones and Faith Community Church tend to. You can give at Faith Communities website, faithccop.org, or just text money sign and the amount you want to give to 833-435-8022. That's 833-435-8022. We are blessed to be a blessing. Now, let's get back to the program. - Again, we're so grateful that you tuned in to Mind Matters with myself, Dr. Jones and Cindy Jones. We want to recap what we already talked about before we close this particular show today on why marriage maintenance is important, part three. We said, number one, it requires effort and patience. Number two, continuous growth together. Three, communicate openly. Four, embrace each other's imperfections. Number five, you have to support one another. Six, prioritize quality time and handle conflicts with empathy. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Number seven, keep the romance alive. And number eight was be patient and kind and seek help when needed. - Now, number nine, we just discuss. Always remember why you fail in love. We talked about that. It's important to make a decision. Is that correct? - Yes, and we're gonna change that. Remember, always why you decided to grow together in love. - I like that, why you decided to grow together in love. - Yes. - Right, oh yeah, absolutely. And we talked about reminiscing, going back to the day you first met because a lot of times people say they don't feel like they used to feel. And that's all right, feelings change because life changes. That doesn't mean you're gonna feel the same thing you felt when you said you want to be together the rest of your lives. - And a lot of times, feeling is based on what's going on at the moment. What type of atmosphere you in, what you eat. - Absolutely. - But you drink. - Absolutely. - You know, all of those things is based on the feeling and because you're not doing the same thing all the time, 24 hours a day, your feelings are going to change, feelings are fickle. - People don't get that, Cindy, but people don't get that. They want to feel the same vibe, the same energy, but marriage is giving more than receiving. It's a hundred and a hundred. You give a hundred, I give a hundred. And if I'm short, you're gonna make up the difference. It's not always come right in the middle. You gotta do more. You know, my parents taught me growing up, do more than expected. Go above and beyond the standard. - And you do that well. - No, my dad exemplified that. My mother exemplified that. And I took that in every area of my life. I do more than expected, you know? And I think it's so important, so important because we have to think of our relationship, you know, as relates to why we're together and we love one another like a classic movie. Sometimes you need to re-watch the highlights to remember why it became a favorite movie in the first place. - Yes, you reminded me of that, of a movie. Father of the Bride, the second. What, second episode of series, in the series. Where you was saying about the man has to sacrifice his life. And I remember Steve Martin in that movie. He was serving his daughter and his wife who was pregnant at the same time. - Yes. - And they were saying, oh, it's just stifling in here. You know, they're saying it was hot. - Okay. - And he had on his winter hat with the flaps down over his ears and a big overcoat and his gloves on 'cause he was freezing, but he was hot. - Right, right. - But he was serving the both of them. - Yes, he was. - He was laying down his life. - Yes, he did, and that's what a husband does. And that's so empowering and so important for a man to understand that in the marriage, you're the leader. So lead, understand, the 10th key is this. Let's move forward. The 10th key, you have to embrace the journey with all of its ups and down. Life and marriage comes with challenges, but we have to cherish the love you share makes it all worthwhile. You have to do that because the Bible tells us brethren, count it all joy when you fall in various trials and knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. You know, we gotta approach our marriage with a sense of adventure sometimes. Each challenge and triumph is part of the unique journey that you and your partner share. It's important, you do it together. Marriage is not done individually, but it's done more together, but you gotta do your part. As you embrace the journey with all of its ups and down. You know, Cindy, life is about the law of polarity. There will be an up, there must be a down. If there's an in, there's an out. That's polarity, right? There's good, there's evil. So we gotta know that in marriage, it's the same thing. There's gonna be some good times. There's gonna be some challenging times in a relationship because it's a struggle sometimes to learn how to relate to that person you care about, the person you love, because they come from different worlds. They come from different histories. They have a different story, even though you said I do a year ago or you're together now, it's important to understand going forward how important it is to embrace the journey with all of its ups and downs. And just like you said, relating. And then you gotta learn how each other are relating because you don't communicate the same. And you have to figure out what the person is saying to you and not only what they're saying to you because what they're saying may be meaning one thing to you, but what they meant is something completely different. - Right, and so as the word tells us in all our getting, get understanding. And so there's always, you have to always look to get that understanding because they could be saying one thing or doing one thing and meaning something totally different. And then you gotta get that, oh, that's what you meant. - Oh, absolutely. You know, what you quote it was a book of Proverbs where it says, "Where's the Mr. Principal thing?" But with all you're getting, get understanding. Proverbs chapter four, verse seven. One of my favorite books in the Bible, but one of my favorite verses as well. And that's so important what you're saying. So sometimes marriage can be like a rollercoaster. You know, a lot of thrills, a lot of highs, a lot of unexpected drops, but you got going through some tunnels, right? Like a rollercoaster, but you have to hold on tight. Yes, you're gonna scream, you're gonna laugh together, you're gonna have some unforgettable experiences. I remember when we were married in the beginning, we went to Six Flags over Texas. You know, we were stationed in Fort Cial, Oklahoma, which is Lawton, Oklahoma. And we went on a trip, you know, on the rollercoaster. I think we drove a couple of hours to get there, whatever it was, and we had a great time. You remember that? - Yes, I remember that. - Okay. - Bagley, but I remember that. - Okay, there was a lot of screams, a lot of you were squeezing my arm like a tourniquet. I felt like, you know, it was crazy. - I couldn't hardly stand rollercoasters at that time. Didn't wanna get on them, but now I just hold on and close my eyes. - Absolutely, absolutely. But we got in, just like that natural experience, this spiritual experience in a marriage, it's so important. We got to embrace the journey because it's a journey, not necessarily a destination. - Right. - We learn from the journey as we come together every day and do God's will in our relationship. Husband, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Why submit to your own husbands as, and to the Lord, the Bible says. So it's important for both to understand the journey as they come together. And that is why this topic is so important, Cindy, why marriage maintenance is important. - You know, and I just thought about something when you said that it's a journey. And what came to me was every day, we should be looking forward to an adventure. - Right. - Yeah, 'cause we don't know what's gonna happen. - Absolutely. - Every day is different because like we said, we in different moods, I may be tired, you may be energetic or vice versa. And like we said, each person is a mirror to the other 'cause they're gonna tell you how you are. - Right, right. - You know, what they see. - Absolutely. - If it's good, bad or ugly. - Right, yeah, or indifferent. - Or indifferent, and then you have to, sometimes they may not tell you, but they may react based on the action that you are giving them or the energy that you're giving them. - Yes. - So, grace has to be extended, and patience has to be extended. - Yes. - Highness has to be extended. - Absolutely. - And some self-control must take place. - Yes, yes. And that's so important in marriage, Cindy, is vital. There's so many issues that a couple goes through, we'll say individually before they come together, like childhood trauma. - Yeah. - You know, I call it at various childhood experiences. You know, they may have been neglected, they may have been abused, you know, they had some level of household dysfunction, domestic issues, they saw what their parents went through, a sibling, and a lot of times they don't get those issues resolved, and they get into a relationship, and they bring the trauma into the relationship of marriage. - So you're getting that energy from them based on their history? - Right, from the history. And people need to be healed as much as possible, or share with their future spouse what they've been through as a child, because it's gonna impact that relationship one way or another if they were neglected, if they, you know, went through a lot of latch key experiences, they were left home a lot, you know, because they was raised in a single parent home, nothing wrong with a single parent, they gotta do what they gotta do. But a lot of times, childhood trauma turns into adulthood drama. - Yes, and it's not known. - Right. - It's as you live, these things comes up. - Yeah, absolutely. - And they come out. - And over you get, it comes up, you know, Dr. Vincent Folletti that was one of the chief investigators of adverse childhood experiences, he said something like this, and this is many years ago, he said people don't get over things even 50 years later. - Wow. - People don't easily get over things from the past, even 50 years later. That's why pre-marital counseling, it's vital, it's vital. It is so important for people to understand marriage before it actually happens at the altar. It is key. - Right, and a lot of times, and pre-marital counseling. - Yes. - Well, just bring awareness to various subjects and situations, but it doesn't solve the issues. It's just kind of bring to the... - Yeah, like would you say an awareness? It brings to the forefront. - Right, some things that they may not have discussed. - Right, absolutely. - You know, but later on, they will face in their marriage. - Yes, oh absolutely. - Yeah. - It's gonna always rise. - So, pre-marital counseling will solve a lot of issues, but it does help you prepared, and it should kind of show you who you're about to say, "I do too." - I'm with you, 100%. - Like the introduction. - And I like that, and I like that, so important. You know, I'm thankful for the audience that is tuning in every Sunday at five o'clock. And whenever they listen to this particular Mind Matters radio show, it could be during the week. Some people can listen to it while they're driving. They can pull up the app, and they can go back over it. So, I'm so thankful that I know a few people that are listening to it. And thank you for tuning in to Mind Matters. I wanna give a special shout out to Ed and Michelle. They are a newly married couple, I believe less than a year. And I thank God for them listening to Mind Matters faithfully every Sunday at five o'clock p.m. Thank you, Ed. Thank you, Michelle. You are a powerful couple. And I thank you for tuning in and listening and supporting this Mind Matters radio show. Now, the rest of our audience, thank you for listening as well. Thank you, Cindy, for being with me today. - Yeah, good to be here, and I appreciate everyone that listens to us. So, thank you, everyone, for joining with me on Mind Matters. I hope that these 10 keys has been a help to you and a blessing to you, and it can help you to move your marriage forward, and you can be inspired and encouraged to remember God is with you. - Thanks for tuning into another episode of Mind Matters with Dr. J. A. Jones. Be sure to tune in next Sunday at five p.m. Right here on Praise 107.9. For more insightful discussion about how God's word can get our minds right. You can also hear Dr. Jones preach in person Sundays at 11 a.m. at Faith Community Church of God at 1268 Gano Avenue in Orange Park, Florida, 32073. Thanks again for listening. Stay mindful and keep striving for improvement because your mind matters to God. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
