That woman married that man because she wants to change him. She didn't like everything about him in the beginning, but now they're together, I can change him. 'Cause I can be like his mama. - Welcome to Mind Matters with Dr. J. A. Jones. Dr. Jones is the head pastor of the Faith Community Church of God in Orange Park, Florida. Relationships, finances, our spiritual life, whatever it is, our problems start within in our minds. Dr. Jones explores mental wellness through the application of God's word in our life. It's just what the doctor ordered. Let's join him now and dig into Mind Matters because your mind matters to God. - Thank you for joining us on Mind Matters Today. I am Dr. Jones, your host. And we're gonna be talking about things that matter, right? Things that matter as relates to how we think, how we live, how we act or react in life. Wow, today's topic is powerful. It's important, it's meaningful. I'm gonna be sharing with you today why marriage maintenance is important. Let me say that one more time. Why the reason marriage maintenance is important? So we're gonna dive into the principles of God's word to help us as God's people in whatever relationship you are in to understand why marriage maintenance is important. Now, you obviously may be married, but we're talking about to those that are listening today, I wanna address you as well, if you wanna be married or you're thinking about being married or you just recently, within a few months, got engaged. This is applicable to you, future wife, future husband, current wife, current husband, however you wanna look at it because marriage isn't always easy. But guess what, you can be the right person. It's definitely worth the work in what it takes to make your marriage work and to make it move forward. We're gonna talk about 10 keys today. I have with me also sending Marie Jones, all the way from Kentwood, Louisiana. And she is a blessing to me. The Bible said, "Whose have a finest a wife have a good thing." I love that part, right? - Right. - Because I found you, you didn't find me. I prayed about this relationship and God brought you to me and I had that awareness. Then it says, the second part of that scripture attains favor from the Lord. I thank God for favor. Thank you, whatever you wanna share. What do you wanna say? Thank you for being with us today. - Oh, good to be here, Dr. Jones. And from what you just said, I would say that a wife is a rare thing to find. - Why is that? - It's not a common possession or a common thing. - Okay. - You may find many women, but do you find a wife? - Absolutely, because the Bible said who's so fine as a wife. So there are many women that are not wife material. - Correct. - They're not wife ready, right? They may be attractive, they may be charming. They may even have a big bank account or they may have a successful career. They may be known in the community. They may be a CEO, they may be a president of something. They may have their own business. They may just be working at a nine to five and doing great for their lives. But they-- - Are they a life? - Are they a wife, right? - And a lot of women, including men, prematurely get into a relationship and receive a ring, become engaged, and they still are not a wife and don't have a clue what it is and what it really entails. - Right. - So today we're gonna talk about 10 keys. Yeah, I said 10. 10 keys to move your marriage forward. The first key is this. It requires effort and patience. It does. Now, before I get there, I gotta hit her myself because I'm looking at my wife and I'm getting excited. She's looking great today as she does normally. But I want you to think about this. What defines a true relationship? Emotional and intellectual connection because true relationship or true love involves a deep emotional and intellectual connection that goes beyond physical attraction. - Yes, it does. - It's all about common values, goals, your faith, and a genuine understanding of each other. Now, to me, that's part of a definition of defining a true relationship. - That's good 'cause there's a lot that goes into that compatibility, you know, being a wife. - Yes. - And that's why I said he who find it a wife. - Yes. - Because when you find a wife. - Okay. - And you will obtain favor from the Lord 'cause she is going to add to your life. - Oh, she's gonna be an asset and not a liability. - Correct. - Come on, somebody. I like that. She's gonna add value. - Yeah. - Because a wife and a husband in a relationship or if you wanna be married or thinking about it, they should compliment one another. - Yes. - It should not be a competition. - No. - You know, it should be a compliment between one another because one has strengths and other may have weaknesses whether one has strengths. - Right. - And so it's all complimentary between that in that relationship which is vital. So what is relationship as relates to the Bible? The Bible teaches that love is the foundation of all relationships and that love should be characterized by selflessness, kindness and forgiveness. The Bible commands us to love your neighbor as yourself and love one another as he has loved us. Action scriptures as I have loved you. So as we talk about relationships today which is so important and I know you like the word maintenance. - Yes. - Why is that? - Everything takes maintenance. - Okay. - Everything needs maintenance. - Yes. - That's your things of value. What is valuable to you? You're gonna have to maintain it. - Yes. - To keep it luster or it's functioning. - Absolutely. - Keep it operating. It takes maintenance and that includes a marriage. - Right. - Or a good relationship just like your refrigerator, your house. - Your AC unit? - Your yard. (laughs) Yes, your AC unit. - We had to get our AC fixed the other day because my cupcake, the wife of my youth. - He's going into the Adams syndrome. - I'm going to join in the Adams syndrome. - Yes, you are. - Don't blame me. - Well, I'm gonna put you out there because you can put me out there too. Your responsibility was to pour what in the AC thing? - The vinegar. - Vineaker and water. - Hot water. - And my responsibility. - And I did what I was instructed to do. - Right. You did. You were. By what that AC guy said, which was not correct. - And the other people that told the same thing. - Yeah. - You know, the builder or whoever. - Yeah, well the AC stopped the other day and it's only two years old. And my responsibility is to change the AC filter. So we got that responsibility between one another. But really what, yeah, vinegar and steel can be poured in the AC inside the house. So it can flow. - The drain pipe. - The drain pipe so it can flow well. But according to the latest AC mechanic or guy, he said, well, you can do that, but you need to flush it all the way to the end. So you see it coming out at the drain at the back of the house. So it's gonna take some pressure. - Right. - It's gonna take a lot of water versus just pouring a cup of vinegar and a cup of water. You gotta do more than that because it's not gonna go through that long tunnel, that long pipe or that long PVC pipe, right? Because it's so far. But the point is this, it still takes maintenance. We're talking about maintenance. Today, I'm so glad you tune in. We're talking about why marriage maintenance is important. So the first thing we did mention is that it requires effort and patience because marriage requires efforts and patience from both partners. Just like a garden needs regular care. So does your relationship. The Bible said in Ephesians chapter four, verse two, with all loneliness and gentleness with long suffering bear with one another in love. That is so key. And one thing you talked about recently in Galatians chapter nine, verse six, and let us not grow weary in doing good for in due season, we shall reap if we do not lose heart or if we don't faint. - Yeah, keep it going. - You gotta, what now? - You gotta keep it going. - Keep it going, right? You gotta keep the effort. - Yes. - And you gotta have the patience. - Right. - Absolutely. And it's done. No, no, it's not a one and done thing. See, marriage is not one and done. Marriage, yeah, the wedding happened, but now what? - Here comes the marriage. - Here come the work. - Yes. - 'Cause people plan a lot about the wedding. They spend exorbitant amount of money and invite so many guests. They got a nice cake. They got a nice dress and a nice tuxedo. And I mean, all of that is all right. - And when the thrill is gone. - Yes, and absolutely. But the work should be more in the marriage. - Correct. - Than the wedding. - The focus, yes. - What's that, I like that? - The focus should be more on the marriage than the wedding, because the wedding is just a celebration of the beginning, supposedly, of a life together. - Absolutely. Because we gotta treat our marriage like a prized plant that needs daily nurturing, you know, one of our favorite plants. But it has to be consistent effort, no matter how small it will lead to growth, right? - Right. - And it's so important as we go forward. So that's the first point, right? Marriage requires effort and patience. - Yes it does. - My goodness, yes it does, yes it does, right? All right, the second point is this. We can move forward now. Number two, what is number two? - Number two is continual continuous growth together. - Okay, why? Because continually growing together is crucial. When you continue to grow, not just individually, we do believe in that, but together. Because you have one, right? - Right. - You leave father, you leave mother. - Right. - And you cleave to your wife. - Yes, you're becoming one, you know. It's a process, it just doesn't happen overnight. Just like you, yeah. - Absolutely, because marriage is one where both partners are committed. I like the word committed. - Yes. - That's a word that people don't wanna use in any area of life. You gotta be committed at work. You gotta be committed at church, committed to your job. But more importantly, committed to your marriage. You gotta be committed to growing individually and as a couple. The Bible said in Colossians chapter three, verse 16, let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. We have to be committed to grow, right? To commit it to be a part of each other's lives as we're growing individually, and we will grow collectively. And here's another powerful scripture in second Peter, chapter three, verse 18. What does it say? - It said, but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever, amen. Now, when we talk about growing individually and as a couple. - Yes. - That means that each one is allowed to be themselves and pursue their dreams with the encouragement of the other. They are not trying to change them, but they accept them as they are. - Wow, wow. That's a lot, that's a lot. Come on now, come on, sending. Now, you know that's not reality because that woman married that man because she wants to change him. She didn't like everything about him in the beginning, but now they're together, I can change him. 'Cause I can be like his mama. (laughing) People go into relationships just like that and venture the man feel like a child. No, you're not my mama. I only got one mama. You can't change men. And I've been told that they thought they were going to change their spouse after three years, it didn't work. After six years, it didn't work. After 10 years and they realized they cannot change their spouse that they said, I do too, you know, at the altar. - And that's vice versa too. You're not my daddy. - Okay. - You can't control me, you know. And so, no, I'm not your mama. And I don't cook like your mama. And I, you know, I cook like me and all of this kind of thing. So all of that, you know, comes into play but you gotta accept each other as you are. - Right. Well, if you tried to build a bookshelf together, if you ever tried to do that, I don't know. But if you try to build a bookshelf together without reading the instructions, it might be first chaotic. But with patience and teamwork, you'll have a sturdy bookshelf and a stronger relationship. Life is about building it together. It can be chaotic at first because you have two worlds coming together. But it can last. - Dr. Jones is the pastor of Faith Community Church of God in Orange Park, reaching a hurting world with the love of Jesus. We thank you for listening to Mind Matters and we encourage you to show support for the many community outreach ministries that Dr. Jones and Faith Community Church tend to. You can give at Faith Communities website, faithccop.org or just text money sign and the amount you want to give to 833-435-8022. That's 833-435-8022. We are blessed to be a blessing. Now let's get back to the program. - So we have already addressed. Thank you for what you just shared. Cindy, you gave me some good thoughts on that because thank you for tuning in to Mind Matters on this particular radio show with myself Dr. Jones and Cindy, my wife, which is my nickname and half of her is Cupcake. We talked about key number one because there are so many keys to understanding why marriage maintenance is important, why marriage maintenance in your relationship is vital. It takes effort. It requires effort and patience. Number two, that was number one. We talked about continuous growth together. It's so important to know in a relationship that you two are in it together. You may think you're by yourself. Yes, you're gonna clash sometimes. Yes, it's gonna be chaotic sometimes. Yes, if that person made mature more than you thought they would mature, but you gotta know marriage is done together continuously. The third thing is so vital. What's the third thing? - Communicate openly. - Right, because open communication is the backbone. It is the backbone to any successful marriage. You gotta share thoughts. You gotta be able to share feelings. You gotta be able to share concerns honestly and respectfully. And that is the key. The sharing of thoughts and feelings and concerns. You gotta be honest. If you can't be honest with your spouse, come on, right? I don't know why you got married. Who can you be honest with? But you gotta do it with respect. - Yes. - Because respectfully is the key. You can't be downing on person. You can't be putting a person in a bad place by what you say. And it's so important. What do you think about communicate? It's so important to do it openly, honestly. - Yes. You know, some people say keep it lit. Live intentionally, transparently. - Okay, okay. - But it is important to learn each other's communication skill. And you don't attack the other person when they don't get it right. - Okay. - Or get it the way that you want it, okay? - Go ahead. - Or condemn them. - Yes. - Seek to understand. - Right. - It will eventually improve with practice. - Let me say this before you continue. I love that because I read a book on that and it has blessed me ever since. Seek to understand before you are understood. - Correct. - All right, keep going. I like that point. - I know you did. - I know. (laughs) It will eventually improve. The communication skill will eventually improve with practice and acceptance. - Yes. - Or the person will shut down. - Yes, absolutely. - 'Cause if every time they communicate to you and they're not saying things the way that you want to hear it. - Right, right. - Because it's based on their knowledge or where they are or how they feel at the moment. - Right. - You know, they may be emotional and express something but they're doing the best they can in the moment. - Yes. - You know, but if you criticize them and condemn them based on what they said or how they said, then they will shut down and hold in because they see that you're not receiving what they are saying. - Because what you're saying is so important because people can be defensive, right? - Oh, yes. - Now, this is what the Bible says about that. In Proverbs, chapter 18, verse 13. He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him. Because a lot of times people are waiting for you to stop so they can say what they need to say but they really are not listening. I think when you listen, it's so important, right? So even the scripture is so important in this particular point, communicate openly. You gotta have that, that must be a safe space. It must be safe. It must not be just mental because people got trauma in their lives. People marry to histories of levels of trauma and childhood issues and adversity. And a lot of times things don't come out until they get married or a month later or three years later, after they have said, I do. What I believe, pre-marital counseling? - Yes. - It's not like an option. It should be mandatory. It is vital. It is important because you really have to have a third party, somebody in between you two, to discuss so many areas. And this is one of those areas that they should be discussing and they should listen to as relates to communicating openly. - Yes. - And if a spouse cannot communicate to their spouse, guess where they're gonna go, somewhere else. They may go outside of the relationship and talk to somebody else more than that they would talk to somebody or that person that they say they love in their relationship because they always feeling judge or condemned or saying, why did you do that? Why would you say that? No, let the person share their thoughts, their feelings and their concerns honestly. It's key. - And sometimes people don't know to communicate. I mean, they will maybe used to holding their thoughts in instead of letting the other person know what they're thinking or how they feel. They may be used to holding it in because childhood or other experiences they may have had previously did not allow them to express themselves. And so now being a relationship and they don't know how to express themselves or too. - Right. - Express themselves to let the other person know how they feel or what they think because they have been suppressed so much. - Absolutely. And if I was says, my beloved brother in the book of James, you read a scripture earlier, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to rap. So we gotta practice active listening and empathetic responses because this can build trust and understanding in a relationship and also it can make it easier to navigate challenges together. And that is so key. I hope everybody is listening. Thank you for tuning in to My Matters with Myself because think about it. It's so important for us to be active listener. We should listen more than what we say. - Yes, listening. - God gave us two years, right? And one mouth. - Right. And so listening is a skill that has to be cultivated or developed 'cause as you said earlier, many times we're listening to respond to say what we're going to say instead of listening to get an understanding of what a person is really saying. - No, absolutely. - Not to give a response, but to understand, seek to understand. - Before you are understood, picture a conversation where one partner is explaining their day and the other is only have listening. They're nodding along while thinking about something else. They're thinking about work, they're thinking about dinner, they're thinking about what happened yesterday, they're thinking about what they're gonna do. It's like watching a comedy sketch, funny in hindsight, but a reminder to truly pay attention. It is so important. Now, we've talked about three things in this show, right? The first thing was what it requires effort and patience. We're talking about marriage maintenance and how important it is. It has to have effort because when people get married, they stop the effort. They stop taking care of themselves. They just lose it, right? The second thing it causes and it should have continuous growth together. And the third thing we're addressing is communicate openly, open communication to me. And we're gonna say any one of these 10 things are the most important. I do believe communication is right at the top. - Oh, yeah. - Right. - All the time. - And all the time. - And ongoing. - And ongoing, why is that? - Because you're changing. - You're changing. - You're going through various stages in life and you need to communicate that to the person that you're married to. - It could be physical changes. It could be emotional changes. Your body is changing, right? You gotta communicate that. - Yes. - They may have a level of expectation, but you can't do it. Your stamina is different. It could be financial changes. A lot of times, spouses don't disclose what they make and you had a change. You could have had an increase or decrease. You know, changes in relationship are ongoing, like you say. That's why sharing it with feelings and thoughts and concern and being respectful is key as you're talking about. - Yes, because the spouse does notice. - Okay. - Unless they are caught up into themselves and in their own world. - Right. - And they don't notice the person in the house. - What do you mean by notice? What do you mean? - They're not paying attention to their spouse at all. - What do they notice? Which of me and their spouse notice? - They notice change in your behavior. - Okay, behavior. - They should be noticing when there's something on your mind. - Okay. - They should know you so well when your behavior changes or they see something unusual that they're not, they didn't see before. - Okay. - And ask you what's going on. And so that's where that communication openly takes place because they know something is going on with you. - Okay. - But you gotta let them know what it is. - Just this change, for example, in our relationship. I remember when. Now I ain't gonna throw you under the bus. Nobody's listening but me and you. All right. When you would look at a paper-- - Really? - And you'd be squinching your eyes. - Oh Lord. - I said, "Send it." You need to go to the optometrist. You need to get your eyes checked. I'm good, I'm good. I was saying, okay. I said, "Send it." And eventually you, you did it. And you're wearing glasses because you need your glasses. So I noticed, think about it, that little chain. - Yes. - Now you probably knew it but didn't think it was necessary to get some eyeglasses for the first time in your life, right? You know, I've been there as well. I've wear glasses to see from a distance. I don't need it up close. You need it up close and you may not need it with a distance but that's what I'm saying. We have to notice the subtle changes. - Yes. - Not just major changes but you have to notice that with your spouse, your covenant partner for life. - Right. - Because marriage should be for a lifetime. Shouldn't it? - Yes it should. - Anything else you want to share before we end this particular show today. Because we coming back for part two. - Oh my goodness. Yes, yeah. Notice, pay attention to your spouse. - Okay. - Keep the communication line open. - Yes. - Accept them where they are. Listen. - Yes. - Listen. - Yes, I like that. - Listen. Listen is a major part of communication. It's not just doing all the talking and verbal or non-verbal words. But listen. - Yes, wow. We're trying to help our audience today. Thank you, Cupcake. Thank you for sharing today because what you said was very valuable. We want to bring value to your life if you listen to this particular show as relates to why marriage maintenance is important. We talked about number one, it requires effort and patience. Number two, it must have an understanding of continuous growth together. You grow individually but you got to grow together. Three is communicate openly. And I love what you said, listen, listen, listen. - Yeah, you like to listen to that song. Say, listen from, what is it, dream girls? - Okay. I don't know. - Yeah, Beyonce's song. - I don't know. - Yeah. If you just listen. - Okay. Yeah, because people don't listen. They look at you but they're not listening to your language. Whether it's non-verbal or this verbal. Right. We must listen to our spouse because we're in it for life. Remember, you've already said I do. Thank you for being with us today. We will see you next week as we pick up on part two on why marriage maintenance is important in your life. - Thanks for tuning into another episode of Mind Matters with Dr. J. A. Jones. Be sure to tune in next Sunday at 5 p.m. Right here on Praise 107.9. For more insightful discussion about how God's word can get our minds right. You can also hear Dr. Jones preach in person Sundays at 11 a.m. at Faith Community Church of God at 1268 Gaino Avenue in Orange Park, Florida, 32073. Thanks again for listening. Stay mindful and keep striving for improvement because your mind matters to God. (upbeat music) [MUSIC PLAYING]
